Hey
Shes pretty hot huh?   Shes completely crazy. Steer clear Big Tuna. Head for open waters.
OooOK.
Big Tuna is a super ambitious guy
OK. Who put my calculator in Jello? Good one. But uh
Why did you do that?!
Were on the German team. Shoot the Brittish.
Now?
Put the game on hold everyone.
Its the new guy.
See what I mean?
WHAT?
Are you playing for the other team?!
Saboteur!
Saboteur! Im going to kill you for real. This game--- the game is over. Im really going to shoot you.
Suck up! Josh
Hey. What are we doing? Whats the game? I want in.
Did you check the vending machine?
Did you check your... butt?
Hey
Can you stand up? And talk to me over there?
Im acting my heart out here.
Yeah
I dont care bout anything but you... what ever happened to those guys?
We have such a roller coaster thing
Roller-coastery friendship. Hot. Cold. On again. Off again. Sexual tension filled type of deal. Its very Sam and Diane.
From Cheers.
You guys ready to party?
I said are you ready TO PARTY!
Hey
One. Two. Three. Shot!
Oh
One. Two. Three. Shot!
I went to the doctor. I went to the mountains. I looked to the children...
I looked to the children
Wait
TUNA! Are you kidding me!!
No way
Um
Mmmm.. suck-ah!
Stamford
Whats up
Thanks
Thats the other thing you got to watch out...   Yo! Tuna! I wanna talk to you about this new boss
So whats he like? Likes? Dislikes? Favorite sports? Favorite movies? Favorite mens magazines?
Playing your cards close to the vest. I get it. Good luck over there
What?
Ill be the Number Two guy here in Scranton in six weeks. How? Name repetition
Hello.
And you must be Michael Scott. Aloha and... hello.
Michael
Nifty!
Michael Scott. Thank you. I appreciate it
Andy Bernard. Regional Director in Charge of Sales.
Umm
And Im a director.
Which on a film set is the highest title there is. Do you know anything about film?
Congratulations.
Hey
Sure thing
Am I trying to get under his skin? Yes. Because the angrier he gets
Hey
Do you like it?
Thank you. You have such a pretty smile by the way.
Youre welcome.

What is love?
Baby
Baby
Whoa-oh-oh-oh
Whoa-oh-oh-oh.
Oh
Dwight may have won the battle. But I will win... the next battle.
Michael
Saw your dorkmobile in the parking lot. What does it get
Yeah
Actually
Yeah.
Yeah
Oh
Oh
If I were an idiot
Idiot!
Nice comeback!
I am so horny.
Oh
Oh
Next. How about...  . Blondes are more fun. Cmon
Okay fine. Um. Pam
Jackpot.
All... righty
Are you kidding?
I started the main Frisbee golf club at Cornell. Where I went to college. I live to frolf.
Pam-a-lama-ding-dong. Listen
Shh. Think about it. Ill hit you back.
Yeah.
I play the banjo.
You know I can
Im gonna go get my banjo out of my car.
Wow. Prison sounds horrible.
So weve been told
Yo
Michael
If I may say. Shes even prettier that you described her.
Hey
Umm... Im number three.
Yeah
Hey. I cant concentrate when I know youre in pain
Thats my boy. I know the perfect place
No. Benihana. Much classier. But dont worry
So she looks really hot
So she looks at me right
No.
Put that away. Put that away. S.O.S. We... I... May day. Haha. Man down over here
I think well start with a round of noga-sakes.
One part eggnog
Wait for the onion. Trust me. Hey Cindy
You made her laugh. Yes! She totally digs us.   Watch
This drink...
Cindy
I want you to close your eyes and imagine your dream house.   Cmon
This is great.
Now open your eyes and describe it to me.
They have been checking us out
What?
Now
My new girlfriend.
Your hands.
Ill use my hands on it.
I am now chopping off Phyllis head with a chainsaw! ... Rin-in-in-in-in-in!
Boring. Call me if she rolls over.
Ole ole - ole ole... Ole ole - ole ole. People in the party - hot hot hot
Five of us transferred from Stamford. There are two of us left. Me and Karen. Its like we are touring Willy Wonkas Chocolate Factory and dropping off one by one. Well
Hey Dwight
Hmmm
Ph. D. Doctor of Sales.
Well
Sebring by Chrysler. Heck of a... motor... carriage.
He does your laundry?
Bueno.
In order to take down Dwight
Whats the deal with Dwight doing your laundry?
Wow
I think you have assembled an amazing team at Scranton. Its really a pleasure to be a part of it. Its like
My plan is taking longer than I thought but I dont give up easily. I have walked two marathons.
Caught an eighty-pound shark off of Montauk. Its in the Hamptons. My dads got a 42-ft Bayliner. Sniped it with a rifle from the crows nest. Also shot a deer once.
Ok
Oh
I swear
Ow.
Oh man. Talk about your classic Lame dash O. Do we even want that guy buying our paper?
I... Im so sorry man. I really screwed that up.
I really Schruted it.
Schruted it. Its just this thing that people say around your office all the time. Like
Hey boss. Got a minute?
I forget
Thats weird. Because I was just walking past his desk and I saw this
Oh
It sure seems like he is lying.
Oompa-Loompa Doompity-Dawesome
Um
Big Turkey.
All four parts. Recorded it on my computer. It took me forever.
Thank you muchly.
I called it myself. I just thought youd get a kick out of the new ring.
Side note. Id just like to say Im thrilled to be working directly beneath you.
I feel I have a lot to learn from you
The cost of doing business.
Was the top salesman...
Addition by subtraction.
Mmmm. Yeah youre right.
Hey
Noooothin. Ehrrrrrrrrr. Heh. Man. TGI-Wednesday. Am I right?
Gonna go home. Get my beer on. Get my Lost on. What are you doing later
Well
Oh
Yeah
Feel ya
Absolutely.
You said...
Which is like
Oh
I think I could go for some tuna fish right about now. Oh
185 pounder. Check it out. Whew!
In your he-ead
Oh. Good move
Large Tuna. Have you seen my cell phone device?
Cause someone is calling right now. There is a call.
Whats going on?
Where is my FREAKING phone?!
Maybe youre in the ceiling!
trying to look in Phylliss desk
Wait up. Where are you going? Do you want me to come with?
Just listen
Duh. Which is why I was just joking about doing that.
Fine. Ill just sit at my desk and be quiet. Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship.   Excuse me. And Im also sorry that a lot of people here for some reason think its funny to steal someones personal property and hide it from them. Heres a little newsflash! Its not funny! In fact
Sure? Okay.
So Michael had a little chat with corporate and they decided to send me to management training. Anger management
Oh
Its so good to meet you!
Yeah.
I graduated from anger management the same way I graduated from Cornell. On time. Now Im back. Got a second chance
Hey guys! Guess whos back!   AHHH!   OH
Good morning
Drew. Im Drew now.
Apology not... accepted. Because it wasnt even necessary in the first place.
Several weeks ago
Mornin Jim.
Good. Drew.
Dr--- You can call me Drew.
Cool. I cant control what you do. I can only control what I do.
Drew.   Dwight. Hows it goin man?
You guys...
Its on!
Thank you.
Anything.
You mean a moon bounce.
Im gonna need... Im gonna need petty cash.
Do you
Whoa! Whats the situation?
Ok
William Dolittle at your service. A.K.A.
Beer me!
Hand me that water. I always say Beer me. Gets a laugh like a quarter of the time. So hows whats-her-name?
Who
Nice. Check out this sunshine
Uh
Your call
So
Well not everything a guy says needs to be said. Sometimes its just about the music of the conversation.
Whoa! What the--- Why is my girlfriend here?
No
The one in the green hoodie.
I wonder if shes
Shes like
She probably a t--
Sh---
Jamie!
What are you doing here?
Are you a student here?
You never told me you were in high-school!
OH MY GOD!
I had no idea.
Huh... We didnt do anything illegal. Except knock over a mailbox with her friends.
Who was that guy she was talking to? At her locker.
But who was that guy?
Pfft. You dont teach it well enough. One of your students is a bitch.
I want to take out an ad
Thats not what I had in mind.
I dont care.
Yeah.
You know what--- I dont---
Oooo-oo-oooo-ooo-oo-oooo-oo-ooo-ooo a-wi-imbube!
Oooo-oo-oooo-ooo-oo-oooo-oo-ooo-ooo a-wi-imbube!
Sweet.
What happened? What can I do to help?
Ill check the web.
If it were up to me
I really appreciate your letting me work alongside you so closely today.
This guy looks like a real deviant.
Aye
Think well find him?
Halvsies?
Listen
Yep. If you dont mind
We will be team U.S.A.
Phyllis is out. Yes!   Follow my voice. Follow my voice. Yeah
Dont worry. Youre not...
No where near the big rock.
Whatre you doing? No! See
I am okay if I lose every single contest today. Honestly. Because I see these contests as an opportunity for me to demonstrate what a good sport I am. Mallard!
Great job everyone
I am so hungry!
One came up.
I didnt win. But the only reason I didnt win is because I recently learned that its better to work thing out with words.
Yeah it is. I totally could have kicked your butt so bad.
Yeah
Trying to wet bandana
Go tell them Im floating away
Angela
Angela!
lying in water
Nice!
Blup-dup-do. Whats up
What is it
Sorry
What?
I will see you at the inter-view.
Saving the best for first!
White
You make a chair
The capital of Maine is Montpelier
Should not be a problem. I minored in history in the Ivy League school which I attended.
I agree. But in another way
I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has: my brain. Which I use to my advantage
Damn it!
Hail to the chief!
My first order of business: accept.
Three months ago
Thats it!
Class is canceled
Im punishing them.
Its like staring into my soul
This is gonna look so awesome!
Totally!
Did you see who did it?
Isnt that your money?
Im petrified of nipple chafing. Once it starts it is a vicious circle. If you have sensitive nipples
Hey Angela. Hey
Ive walked 2 marathons. Pretty sure I can handle a 5k. Key is drafting
Oh God! My nipples
Ah
Tuna!
Jim Halperts off the market. Guess who just became the best looking single guy in the office?
Fire guy
Here for what?
We should call it Dunder Mifflinfinity. You know
Mmhmm
Ill go with you Stanley.
What about cash? With cash you can buy anything you want
Yes! Cash basket! Nice work Tuna.
Dude
Later man.
Ha! Tuna...   Tuna Tuna Tuna.
He has a killer job
So
Dah! Come on!
And this is where I will record your sales.
And then I will say something positive
I cant tell if hes mocking me.
Ehh
Thank you.
Yes like a chime or a bell...
Yes!
Twenty seconds to go time.
Yeah!
Website check please.
Three-oh-five. You my friend are winning handsomely.
You my friend are in a very close second.
Okay
No !
Four! Three! Two! One!
Woo!
After numerous projections that the computer would crush all salesmen in its path
Fifty-two reams!
Dwight has defeated the computer.
He beat the computer.
What do you think of Angela?
No
You hadnt noticed shes a woman?
I hear shes single and ready to mingle. Im thinking about making a play for her. What do you think? Crazy
Isnt that part of the fun?
She works here too
Okay.
Are you looking for dinner and a movie? Because youre not going to find it in that box.
Just so happens that I know where you can find it
Angela
Hello.
They say you should never mix business with pleasure. Really? Well then
Here you are my dear
Yes I will.
Excuse me.
I stole it!
You said your upper back itched.
Look Angela
So
But do I like her or not
Hello
If you change your mind
I dont know yet
Ill call you back.
No. Actually
So.
Me. All night. Dreaming about Angelas smoking hot body.
Not from a male perspective. You need to set me up with her
I have moon-walked past accounting like ten times.
Yeah.
Really? Well
Okay
Yeah
Yeah.
I left a little present for Angela. I think shes going to like it
Best ad ever.   Gimme a break
What? No
Break me off a piece of that... huh huh huh... br- applesauce.
Break me off a piece of that Chrysler car.
Football cream. Grr!
Hoo hoo hoo-hoo!
Its true
I need some advice. Ive been spending a lot of time making out with Angela lately. But weve been necking
Well use code names.
Thats not different enough.
Does anyone actually know what Sue Grafton looks like? I mean
Well then maybe we should just use Angela and say shes Sue Grafton. Would anyone notice?
News flash. I got some juicy updates on Operation Fallen Angel. Remind me to tell you later.
Break me off a piece of that lumber tar. Snickers bar.
Break me off a piece of that Grey Poupon.
Let me pour you some bubbly because somebody got to a whole new level last night.
No
Yeah. D for Andy.
Oh D.
Oh D!
Claude Van Damme
Totally
Just came to discuss my favorite E.M. Forester novel. Pam
The Finer Things Club is the most exclusive club in this office. Naturally
Fine. Ill just sit here
Why cant I be in the club?
So
Im gonna miss you man
Oh-oh
Tuna.
Me likey the ice cream cake
Well
Wow
Loud and clear.
Pizza rolls.
Mushroom caps.
Hey-o!
Tuna! Whats up Tuna
Except for one flower
No its a... hump. Theres a hump.
Okay yes
Yes! Yes.
Michael
Time!
Thought about it
Yeah it does.
I lost a penny out of my loafers
I left my cell phone in my car.
Because of the construction at W.B. Jones
Its like a ten minute walk.
Yes.
OK.
...So help us out.
We wont let you down.
Uh Michael Scott could not make it today due to an unforeseen prior engagement.
Gentleman please. We called this meeting. Andrew Bernard is the name of me. And this is my associate
Well first of all
I did it.
Yeah
Did I do this for me? No
Oh yes! Count me in dudes. I am in some serious need of some bro time. Old ball and chains been a lot more chain than ball lately if you know what Im saying.
Yes
By a show of hands
Yeah
Here it is
Cause that says
So much more than words...
Okay
Good one. Okay
The tall man entered the nice building to visit a very nice man. Sit down
What about a cat eating man food?
What if we changed our outgoing answering machine message
You meet a lot of ladies driving an Xterra
Thats a racing stripe.
Mmm
How next to?
I have to pick one of those?
Can you go over those options again?
Well I have the
Can I think about it?
Let me think about it--
Let me think about it--
Im thinking about it--
Thinking--
Yeah. All right!
What the hell is this all about?   Youre flipping my car for profit.
I gave you a deal... based on what you said to me.
Oh no! No
Oop
Hit about 1200 balls last night
Giddy up
People assume Im great at golf. But like everybody
Dammit!
AH! Come on
All right
Shortcut! Shortcut!  drives cart off course
trying to pick up a beer bottle with blistered hands
Count me in!
All right!
Right on.
Can I have your attention please?   I was waiting for the right time to do this
Angela
Into the mic
She said yes!   And the crowd goes wild! Woo!
Ive been carrying that ring around in my wallet for six years. Because you dont know when youre gonna meet the right girl and the moments gonna be right. And tonight
Tuna!   Im engaged!
Mr. Andrew Bernard... its got a nice ring to it.
Ay-o!
Then... what are you saying?
So
What do you think of Angela? Theres just something about her. All that strength and steeliness and righteousness all wrapped up tight and shoved into a tiny little delicate frame.
No. I will not be playing it cool   with Angela. Let me tell you a little story. When I was seventeen
Gentlemen
And as such
I am dying of lovesickness and horny-sickness.
Im talking about Angela
No can do. I am itching all over with Angela-pox.
Hey
Thats not why I came over. I mean its a week late
Angela
Scranton U. Varsitys gonna scrimmage the J.V. squad. Should be pretty interesting. J.V. gets really amped.
Yeah.
You wanna go?
Because we could get some food...
Afterwards at the...
Still waiting on that check.
And let me just add
Mmmhmm.
Dear Andrew Bernard
I got into Cornell off the Wait List. A lot of people were like
I played a lot of pong growing up. I spent a lot of time on cruise ships. Im also a monster snorkler.
Okay
Do you know anything about physics?
Just serve. Lets go.   Dammit! These balls are weighted weird
Yeah. Get another one.  throws the offending ball at Jim
I dont know! No
I believe it means mouth pleaser.
Its French. I studied some French during my semester at sea. Or
Mm-hmm
Mmm.
Ow! Ow!   Owooh!
It was down for a couple hours yesterday
Um
But I dont think its a disaster. I think its fun
Is that what that is?
You know what
Im excited to lose weight for the wedding
Im totally gonna slaughter at the weigh-in today.
Really? Cause I havent eaten anything since noon on Friday.
Ang. Ela.   Ella
Hey
Every little boy fantasizes about his fairy-tale wedding.
This is where my parents decided not to get divorced.
OK. How do you feel about Maine?   Im on it. Ill see you later
Hey. So
I dont know if theres any one place that has all these things.
Thousand-year-old church in the continental United States. There has to be a rainbow. 24-hour veterinarian on call.
Sweetheart.   Just so you know
Hey-oh!
Why not
Damnit
NO! I want names!
This is the hardest thing Ive ever had to do in my entire life. I havent had a very hard life.
Leave it to me
Andy Bernard does not lose contests. He wins them... or he quits them because they are unfair.
Your wish is my command.
Of course!
Yeah! I mean its a great song. I always thought it was bigger than Christmas anyway. You know?
And you know what? The guys already know it so its easy breezy.
I didnt tell you.
Here Comes Treble
And
Ok
Mm-wah!  Angela walks away
Wet Tuna!
A little close to my engagement there Tuna
Hey-oh!
Ill drop an ethics bomb on you. Would you steal bread to feed your family? ... Boom!
Yeah
No thats... not how it works.
Yo.
No
Is that anything like the original Battlestar Galactica?
Really?  Dwight closes his eyes
Really? That doesnt sound right.
No way
Wait a second
Yes! Yeah.   Aaaaaaaa! Aaaaaaaa! Aaaaaaaa!
Yo. I got the Nard-puppy for ya. Whats going on here?
Awww. Check it out - who would have thought that this little baby would be marrying that little baby?
Well -
Why would that make me a pervert
Thats not you.
Thats mean
So Jan
OK. Yeah. Look at my finger. Look. Looook!
Look up here!
What? Sorry.
Were taking a picture.
Shes natures bounty.
Thats for you. And
J-Money. Or should it be T-Money
Youre always safe with me. Im a very good screamer. And one day
Yeah?
Consider yourself... at home!
250.
I need a hug
Meow. Sweet stume
Cool.
We were looking for kitten.
Ha ha ha. Thats funny.   Take that sweatshirt off! Hey buddy.
Remember when I jokingly yelled at you to take your sweatshirt off? Totally joking. But
Come on
Well hes had a pretty good season so far--- Stop saying we. You did not go to Cornell. Okay
I know its an excellent school
Take that down.
Take. That down.
I seriously doubt that anyone from Cornell dated you.
Its pronounced Corn-ell! Its the highest rank in the Ivy League!
Fine.
Yeah
You might be interested-
Dwight!
Hm. Assuming you had the voice to be in any of them
Yeah. Big one. So
Excellent. When the hourglass strikes three
The conference room!
Who are your role models?
If I had to put Dwights chances into a percentage
So
Lets see how well you know your Big Red history.
Who was Cornells eighth president?
Mm
What are you writing? Cant even give Cornell your full attention?
Nobody wants ...that
Applicant is attempting to blackmail interviewer
Applicant is wasting everyones time with stupid and inane accusations.
Applicant has a head shaped like a trapezoid.
I have everything I need-
And you will be hearing from -
which I will not be a part of-
And YOU will not be pleased with the result!
And your affiliation with Cornell -
Will end completely!
Whistling
What
Well you will. Soon as you visit
Big idea: double wedding. Me
Speakerphone!
Yo
I got mine. They were really good.
Yeah
Right
It is a great mug. But its not my mug. That is my mug. So give it back.
It has my face on it.
Dude
Yeah
I found the best tentist on the east coast. He personally tented Giulianis first and third weddings. And I got him.   I got him!
Would you be able to do the same design
So its called the Shangri-La Tent. Its two stories
Hobos live in trains.
Well
Done and done-er.
Do you have a specific place in mind?
On it!
at computer
I found it. I found the perfect place. A local bed-and-breakfast on a 60-acre beet farm. And even better
We havent decided on anything yet. Were still reviewing some options
Oh. Hmm.
Thats very generous.
Oh
Um
Cant argue with that. Dwight ...   You are going to make us so happy.
Monsieur.
Im just bidding a bon voyage a La Mon Petit fiancee. Translation : Goodbye my petite fiancee.
I will try.
Meaning I will try to get other dudes laid.
Ah... sweet!
Michael Gary Scott rolling like a pimp!
Mmmhmmm...
Mmmm...
Thats really good.
Oh...
Oh boy.
Harry and the Hendersons
Very cool.
We are going to find out where the action is
Wheres the concierge?
Mmm... bingo!   Follow moi
What about a nice sushi place? Maybe a place with a view?
One final question. Where might you find yourself on a Winnipeg night like tonight?
The Huntsman.
Engaging wings
Yeah with a hot slab of Canadian bacon in your hand.
For Madame et monsieur.
Youre welcome.
Let me get a picture of you guys.
Alright
Come on! Its Dandy Dale and Foppy McGee over there.   Mademoiselle! Beer me dos Long Island iced teas sill vous plait.   Bad decision in a glass.
I dont care if youre gay
Youll thank me when they spank thee.
Do you guys like apples?
Do you like apples?
Well
No
Gentleman.
Dude
Anything. You can ask me anything.
Im your wingman.
Right-o.
What?
What do I see in Angela?
I see through a hard exterior to a little jelly in the middle. She is teaching me to be a better person. And shes working really hard on that. And she has the softest skin Ive ever seen and I cant wait to have s*x with her.
No.
Honestly
What is wrong with her?
I should call her and ask her. What is wrong with her?
Too late
What is wrong with you?
That was Oscar and he wants to know why you wont do me and I think its a valid question.
This is Andy Bernard!
I wanna take you to s*x school.
Is somebody there?
I have needs.
Naked.
Well discuss it later naked. I want to see you naked.
Oscar
That was fun last night.
You know
You kidding me? Its what I do. Get the whole nine nards.
Totally.   What--- Who?
We called Angela?
That was real?! I thought I dreamed that. Oh
Oh
So bad!
Oh man
Shes taking us back to first base.
I get to kiss her forehead.   I had a good time hanging out this weekend.
Wingman for life. W.M.F.L
You up for a chest bump?
Bro hug?   Back to basics. I like it.
I had to go all the way to Canada to get to know a guy who sits 20 feet away from me. And hes delightful!
So
Ehhh no
Kaaw!
Whoa
That is just obnoxious.
No
Dwight
I mean
Walk until you hear the beehive.
Lets three-way this little issue
Were getting married at Schrute Farms
Hmm... mm
Uh
See? Thats how you do it! Makin progress here.  steps in manure
Okay.
Okay
What is this? All right
Hey-o!

Im Andy.
What?
Are we
Hey Tuna
Was that hot or what?
Hey
Theres a hole in the wall where the men can see it all.
Sorry.
When I was in college I used to get wicked hammered. My nickname was puke. I would chug a fifth of socos
Whats up?
Sure.
All right
Sure. Dooo. Tough room.   Come on. I just learned it. Just so you know protocol is a little round of applause. But
Excuse me
Hmm?
No
That cannot be true!   Youre going to charge me a fee to cut my own cake? Uh
When what?   When what?
What cant go on?
Seems like...
You guys should... be hearing what Im saying.
Yeah.
Will do
Youre not making any sense.
All righty.
Have a good meeting!
Kick Wallaces ass!
I cant hear you through the glass
What?
Are you serious?
I need to talk to you.
I need to talk to you in private.
Lets go to the conference room.
Is it true?
That youre sleeping with Dwight.
Is it true?
Just answer the question. Are you sleeping with Dwight?
How long has it been going on?
Who else knows about it?
Who else?
Oh God. Come on!
So like
Do you love him?
Why should I believe that?
Who says that?
Wheres Dwight?
No. Not at all
Dwight.
Its over.
No. Its over between you two.
You have to.
She doesnt love you. Shes marrying me.
Angela Bernard.
It will be her name. And you will have to call her that!
Im telling you to back down.
Then Ill make you.
Through the use of force.
I will fight you.
Fine!
Guess what? Not happening at work.
Were gonna do it outside.
None of your business.
My bare hands.
Then Ill get something too.
I will be taking my break at 4:00 in the parking lot.
What a coincidence.
Yeah.
You give up?
I am a man! Im a bigger man than youll ever be! I would never sleep with another mans fiance!
Protect her from what? Bears
Go away
What did you say? Im sorry
What? You stupid idiot!   Youre like
I dont get it! How can she be sleeping with you this whole time and only sleep with me twice?
What!
Im her fiance.
enters
Thank you.
What are you guys talking about?
Who is the gal in question?
Each side will have three minutes to prepare opening arguments. Topic : Hillary Swank is attractive.
Okay
Okay
Whoa
It-- its warm.
Aah! This ones hot too!
Get out of the way!
Move it!
The fires shooting at us!
Yes!   Yes
Go
Youre choking him!
A throne for your highness.
Oh you can tell by the way I use my walk Im a womans man
Da
Stanley.
Hope you brought your appetitos. My lady. My tuna. A little movie popcorn.  dumps popcorn in bowl
Hmm? Who? Sam?
Hmm.
Jim and Pam are
I know it man. You know
Yeah... but... eh... breakfast? You mean when they were eating soup? I dont think that was breakfast. Unless soup
You guys
What I hate about you
Sam! Sam!
I am not insightful enough to be a movie critic. Mm... maybe I could be a food critic. These muffins taste bad. Hmm
Um Phyllis
For your information
This conversation is over.
I am single now. What we have here
Trying to see what CDs she got. Its good to know the deets about the girl youre wooing. Eh
Brought you guys some coffees. Stanley
Well
Are you out of your damn mind? You bring an angel like that into this office
We are friends. Stanley
Yeah. I really like her with all my heart.
So Julia
Oh Okay
Really? Is that... wow
Guys
Yeah. Yeah. I mean
Okay
Wait
Oh
I am about to die.   Will you wait here while I go get my jacket?
Okay
This is the Nard-Dog.
Oh
Yeah
Sure
Take care Julia.
Sorry I tried to kiss y...
We lost the account.
Golden Girls. Thats a golden ticket idea
No! No! No!
Youre making it too easy for her. Youre just conveying
Well thats not what we agreed on.
Huh?
No.
Youre asking him to give up all of his power.
You cant let a girl feel good about herself. It will backfire on you. Every compliment has to be backhanded. Oh I like your dress
Thats low
Dont touch her. Dont talk to her. Dont look at her.
Jim
Well
Hey-o!
Duuudes
Stop doing that!
Cool.
For four more days.
Hey Michael...
Can I talk to you a minute?
I just wanted to tell you that... Oh What?   Whats that?
Um
I hope I get to work with you someday again.
Ah... busted. Yes
Oh.
No way!?
In this climate?
Ehh...   well its a very intriguing concept
What is he doing? It looks like hes saying something.
The whole office feels darker
I know.
It is 1-3-4
You are murdering the Nard-dog!
Hey-o!
My maid died.
How are operations of the company? Just

Oh. Oh my God. Im so embarrassed. You werent supposed to see this. This is like my secret obsession.
No way!
I hate soccer. But guess who doesnt hate soccer? Charles Miner.
Ahhh. You b*st*rd! That shoulda been me!
Cool!
Whoa! And he just goes
You know your soccer
I mean
Im in it to win.
Get im
What do you think?
Thank you!
Oh
Uh oh! Oh! Oh!
Um
Pffft.
The last thing I want to do
No
Look youve been here longer
That was great
What? Oh my God you heard that Im so embarrassed. Im like so rusty.
Really?
Literally every song is better a cappella. Name a song.
Better a cappella!
Yeah. Name another.
Better a cappella.
Aw!! Way better a cappella
Yeah.
This is my solo.  stereo plays Andy imitating bass guitar
Trust me. You will not be walking. You will be boogie-ing.
Well
Did you even hear the music I just played for you?
What was up with Pam being all pushy and negative in there?
It scares me to see you going down a road that I went down.
When I see her bossing you around like that
I know a few things about love. Horrible
Noishe.
Thats interesting
And you know what? I am here for you. Let me be your traveling pants.   Ah
Totally.
Hey
Bro
Tuna
Well
Jim.
Okay
Okay
Hello.
Excuse me
Oh
Yeah
Uh
Oh man
Hey
I just think the bar should be lower for a newbie.
I dont want to have said that. But I think its important that you know it.
I call foul
Andrew Bernard.
What are you still doing not at your desk?
All my files are now in reverse alphabetical order--
Oh
We could write a strong-worded letter.
I had a salmon salad. With water
Dijonnaise.
Me too.
Thats completely backwards.
You dont understand clothing
Youre running from the problem.
Wittle Andy is afwaid.
Yes.
Its like a haunted disco.
Everybody Dance Now
Yeah! I love the vibe down here.
Im not sure
This dance competition is not over.
Yeah. No. Well
Well
I
Are you sure thats not the gay ear?
Well
Count to twen - count to twenty.
K
Agh! Son of a bitch!
It was?
Bro-migo
If-
Uh...
Thats...
... not what I meant.
playing volleyball
Okay
Are you blind?!
Can you see things with your eyeballs?!
Bump! I bumped it!
Jim
Dwight.
Vending machine. Vending machine. I want a treat. Something to eat. I want a treat. A little sweet. But not too sweet. What do I eat? Vending machine. Tell me what to eat now.
So they asked me to audition for Subtle Sexuality so I gave them a little  . Followed by some  . And
Weve met before...
Can I still be in the video?
You guys. DVD. Finished.

Parkour!
Do me! Do me!
Ow! Get off! Get off!
Here it is
Hardcore Parkour!
leaps from trailer
inside refrigerator box

What?
So?
I like tea!
Hahaha! I like it a lot! I love tea!
WHAT??
Who told you that? Was it Broccoli Rob? Someone from Chi Psi? Or did you run into someone from my high school?
This is not the first time rumors about me being gay have come up. Twice before
Did you hear the rumor about me? That Im gay?
And?
Do you think its true? Do you think that Im... gay?
No! But
Would I push him away? How hard? Like
Its not real Brad Pitt
Tuna
Women friends?
Not guy friends?
No. I mean
But off the record
Yeah
Yeah
How?
Right-o.
Ohh...
Alright.   Well hey...
Congratulations to you.
Come on... little baby Tuna. Little junior toro.
I heard it from Erin.
Even the fact that Im gay?
Yes!
Michael... am I gay?
What can I do for ya Hoss?
How are my sales doin? Busted. My numbers are down a little bit and its cause of the economy. Youre not buying it
Oh
You got it.
Oh
Dit
Oui
Thats not how that goes.
Theres no way that Stanley gets more beans than me.  starts to take Stanleys beans
Thank you! That is exactly-- by the way
Dwight peels a hard-boiled egg at his desk
What happens in Niagara
No... I didnt steal your joke.
in Andys car
Mmm-hmm. Erin?
Not only is Erin really sweet and cute... she smells like my mom.
Hey. I got the room the night before you guys. Ill break in the bed.
How did Meredith get put at the young peoples table?
What? Youre kid-- Thats-- Youre--
Partay. Room 639.
Chicks are gonna be off the hook. Guys
Nothing. Except $40 for beer and any hot chicks you know. Cause that would help me deliver on some promises I made. Woo!
No one from the office has been to a real Bernard throw down.
If I was girl
You call that a robot? Try being more robotic
How about a little bit of this.
Did someone change my name to Baskin Robbin? Because I feel like a banana split. Woo!
I was dancing and I did a split and I landed on my car keys in my pocket.
I tore my scrotum. I need you to take me to the hospital.
Everyone else is too drunk. Just dont let me die here.
Are you sure this is the right way?
Well
I was trying to liven things up a little bit. I was kinda doing your job so--
Well its also to make sure that we have a great time at your stupid wedding
Ow
I spent the night with the bride the night before the wedding. Ah yeah. She stepped on my hand on her way to the bathroom.
No. No that was real.
Oh cause of last night? No way. Reports have been exaggerated. Weddings make me very emotional. I um--I just have that side to me.
Well thats not--
I wasnt telling you.
Excuse me?
No
It was my scrotum. Um
Golf.
Stock market.
Dave Matthews.
What do you think?
What happened in there?
Mobsters are!
He drives an SUV!
All mobsters have a front
Yeah
Its John Gotti
Yeah. Its pretty close.
Already? This
Yeah right! You heard him! Hes gonna burn down the warehouse or run one of our trucks off the road.
hangs up
Not only that
Thats how it works!
When somebody threatens you
Dwight...
Wait lets hear him out
Okay.
I like this plan. Id like to officially withdraw my plan.
No
Well youre gonna have to.   Dwight : Well be right beside you.
What?
Well if Im gonna back you up
To change tires
Should I change?
Well then I cant use it. Im just gonna hide it.
Oh! God!
Hi.
Hmm. Very true.
You know
Maybe we have a plan for you?
Yeeeeah.
Yes I can.
Okay!
Black goes on the red. With the... If we... Positive... Mo- it being a motor drive
You want to do this junior? I didnt think so. Sorry. Its kind of a long day at the... mechanic store.  Andy places connections wrong
So your cars totaled. Uh
Yeah. Just thinking about how
It was before
Do it.
Just do it.
You were man enough to back down Michael
Hes alive. So youre welcome.
Yeah
Youre right
Well I dont see that happening.
Are you saying-
That we surgically remove the fear center from Michaels brain?
That seems a little far-fetched.
No
Class act. Boy scout.
Hes trying to intimidate you to close sales. Hes just a pushy salesman.
Whoa. Okay.
Next time you look in the mirror
You made the mafia apologize to you! You made the mafia be polite!
Sure thing
How may I be of service to you?
both look at Dwight
What are you thinking?
Let me tell you something
I know
Trust me it would only make you mad.  opera continues
Is this because of the 60 Minutes segment about working conditions in our Peruvian paper mill?
That is not okay dude.
WB!
Industrial P.! Makin cold calls.
Where are you? Dean Trophies. Suite 100. Sherman Blinds and Rugs. Suite 202.
Yeah. I was gonna sing that part.
Except it was going to resolve the melody
Were kind of a dynamic duo. Or trio.
Looks like somebodys got a case of the definitelies.
Sha-bow.
Oh
Nuh. Actually
Pams carrying our surrogate. Because my girlfriend needed to keep her figure for fashion week. So
No I wasnt. Ok. The very idea of us together made you burst out laughing like you just bit into an Adam Sandler and jelly sandwich.
Let me tell you something. I was never gonna make that sale.
That is our sales pitch and we are stickin to it.
Well-
Yeah. You know. Two peas in a pod. We complete each other. What can I say? She loves to cook-
I love to dance-
Right. Sometimes Ill just dance for hours in the living room-
Yeah. We are thrilled.
In fact
Yeah. On Clearview Avenue.
Yeah.
One of the baby books suggets the best birthing posture is on all fours
Oh
Oh
Message received
Well
We got a maybe. It was our first maybe. Going by the Nard Dog curve
You know what? Im sorry. Cause in that moment I knew I was kissing your belly too much.
Yeah.
What the heck was that?
Agh- try almost cried
No. I know Im gonna go with Miss Janet. I just- I dont know. It was fun to role play
I mean
What do you think of Erin? I mean- shes- I- Shes kinda cool.
You think I can do better?
Gotta get my goin out on.
Wow. H & H. You went all the way to New York City to get us bagels?
Thanks.
Oh
Yes!   And I wanted to return the favor. I was polishing my loafers and I happened to look over and noticed that your brief case was a little worse for the wear
Feel it against your cheek.
You give me a gift-- Bam! Thank you note. You invite me somewhere-- Pow! RSVP. You do me a favor-- Wham! Favor returned. Do not test my politeness.
Whoa--
Thank you very much. Now Ive got it for you.
Is that right?
Huh.
That really works.
Hey-- oh
Whoa-- thank you very much.   Oh boy.
You are very welcome.
Have a seat yourself.
Not necessary.
You didnt have to do that.
Aye-yi-yi!
Yep
You bought breakfast for everyone
Whoa
No
Ok
Ahh.
Stupid things wedged up there. No one in this office will help me.
What if Dwight dies and I still owe him something? That is a recipe for a ghost.
Its like a little envelope-- there you go.
Surprise!   Its from everybody. $15 value.
I did stand up comedy once.
Yeah
It was hilarious.
I got it
I like Erin. There
Whod you get?
Oooooo
Nathaniel Nutmeg
Thats clever
Well
Uh
I reckon I got something to say to Miss Beatrix Bourbon
Hey there young lady.
I would be remiss if I did not ask the pretty young lady out on a date for this weekend.
Alright
Im a little worried I might have asked out Naughty Nellie and not Erin. Which would be a whole lot less appealing
Just thinking about Weekend at Bernies. Its funny
Speaking of weekends
Yeah
Well
Did you mean a real date?
Totally... not.
Andy
I am calm.
Thats aerosol spray. Its terrible for the environment.
Ladies and gentlemen from Scranton
Hate the twirl!
Im so jealous right now.
Hey
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Michael
Make it a softball. Something he can
This is your big day. Come on.
Kay.
Yeah. Well
Look
You should get up and say something. Youve got to be true to whats in there.   Dont be a wuss.
Ive always been the guy who can rally other people to rebel. In high school I organized a walk out over standardized testing. Got over 500 students to just skip the SATs. At the last second I chickened out
You wanted to see me?
Is it serious?   Wow. Andys a wittle scared.
Why would people say that?
Andy have a boo-boo tummy.
Would you rather me say Hey guys
Crazy diarrhea happening right now? Cause things can get real adult real fast.
Do I sometimes replace Rs with Ws? Yes. Do I sometimes repeat a word to get my point across? Well if I do
Well if I were complaining
I dont-just people. For the record
Tank you Mr. Elwis.
Dr. Tuna
The entire office has come down with a pernicious case of the Mondays.
0%
Dont worry. There is a surefire cure. Employee of the Month. Every awesome place Ive worked has had one.
Bear Stearns
Great!
Nope!
Jims talking to Michael right now. They totally went for our idea!
Number nine
Correction. It was my idea.
That would be employee number three
Oh
Why would you wrap it in a sheet
I begged Dwight and Jim to give me Erin for Secret Santa. And I decided to give Erin the Twelve days of Christmas. Is it my fault that the first eight days is basically thirty birds?
Does it hurt?
Hmm.
I know
Huh!
Yeah! Totally! I admit it! Its me.
Seriously? Are you serious?
Yeah! Totally serious! Im your Secret Santa! Busted!
Hey Phyllis
Okay.
Nnnnya.
I
Well its the thought that counts.
I suppose a gentlemen might... throw in the towel
Merry Christmas Erin! Take it away boys!
Great news
Ok.
Saber.   Dunder Mifflin and Saber. So yeah
You sure its saber?
I am telling you
Well maybe they ran away
The balls totally in Erins court. After the whole drum line thing.
Hey
Uh
Okay.
Thats as hard as I can hint.
These sure are pretty dogs...
They sure do.
Oh
Got some Valentines cards for my coworkers and my bro-workers.
Valentines Day
throwing a card at Meredith
Whoa-oh
Beep-beep! Beeooop-beep!
Theres blood everywhere! Um
Yeah
Uh
Oh
Yeah! Its Roger Federer for men
Its got pheromones in it.
Its not cause of the smell. Im just expecting a nosebleed.
Im sorry
Cool
...That was weird.
I dont even know what that card said.
Excuse me? Everyone? Please check your emails
Phyllis
Please dont read into this card. Yours in professionalism
Its n-- that wasnt... I like someone else.
Its not... Whether or not
Yeah
Guys. Word of advice. Speaking as a former baby. Dont get too hung up on baby names. I was named Walter Jr. after my father until I was about six or so
My brother was born
Can we do sleight of hand tricks?
Yes! Can anyone do those?
I can do the evolution of dance-dance.
Nope
A little frazzled.
Hey
What? God damn it. She was supposed to come out yesterday.
I decided to give baby Halpert a newspaper from the day she was born. This frame set me back fifty five bones. But she decided to take her sweet time
This man has a gift!
Torn scrotum. Still on the mend
Yes
Why was I hiding behind the plant? Ha
Ow.
Erin
The fax says Erin
Sorry
Oh
Im... Im asking you out.
So
Yeah
Well
Okay. Lets do it.
Welcome back Tuna!
Erin go braugh!
Thanks. Its actually my sisters old field hockey skirt.
Erin and I have our first date tonight
The cats in the cradle and the silver spoon
She should go home. Its not the end of the world. Well go on our date next week. Shes still gonna like me in a week. Right?
I was just working at my desk and I wanted to run some new leads by you.
No
I have some good ideas...
You sure?
Hi!
Thats okay
It is? Im sorry.
Okay
Whoa!
I didnt know you had a brother.
Well
Are we rotating seats
So
All right. Formative years.
Yeah
Ooh. Its coming down out there.
No
Ah. Oh great
Well then no Andy Bernard per se.
Very nice. Let me just
Give me that  wrestles with Darryl
Me likey!
Hey. I guess you probably wont give me your leads since Im a jerk salesman.
Where?
Are you...
Are you sure?
Yeah.
All those who agree
And Ill text Erin. Shes really good at this stuff too.
Erin just texted me back. People love shells from far-away beaches.
Yeah. We wanted to bring you in and make a peace offering.
Its freezing out here.
Oh wow
A bunch of us are talking about happy hour.
Oh
Ring her up.
Ha! Knew it!
Erin
Yes.
Whoa.
We recently struck up a romantic relationship. And
Yeah
Hey
A bunch of us are going to get some drinks
Im sorry
For happy hour?
Trying to get a head count.
All right
Whoa! What is crackin?
Yeah
Wow
Theyd be like
Did we miss the wedding? Um
No drama. Ok.
Did you tell them?
This is exactly what I dont want
We just have to throw everyone off the scent a little
Hi.
I dont normally do this
Just sit down next to a beautiful woman and start talking to myself to confuse other people.
What are you doing?
We didnt say we were gonna
Get in here.   Where did you learn to talk like that?
Well
This is not what I want my relationship to look like.
Hi
You know
I know
This is awesome!
Its Secretarys Day. And it is Erins and my three-week anniversary. So perfect storm for a romantic gesture.  Andy unfurling a giant Happy Secretarys Day banner by reception
I do.
If it wasnt for secretaries
I was just wondering what you had planned for Secretarys Day.
Yeah. She really looks up to you. And theres only so much we can do as her coworkers. Secretarys Day is really kind of a boss-secretary thing.  Michael glances over at Erin in reception
Thats my girlfriend youre talking about.
Shes gonna be so psyched.
So... how was lunch?
Was it everything that you hoped and dreamed it might be?
Well
Hey. Can I have your attention please? First of all
I am saying the exact opposite. Angela is fantastic.
Specific shout-out..
Ok. As some of you may know
Can we talk about this in private?
Yes.
Why would that be something to talk about on Secretarys Day?
I was going to tell her
Who cares? I mean its not like I killed someone. Big deal right? This can blow over in two seconds. She never asked me. So
Will you stop walking for one second? Thats it. Theres no other secrets. Ok? I mean yeah
A year.
Yeah but thats it. Now you know everything about me. I promise. And if I think of anything else...
I didnt see that movie.
Sometimes telling someone something is hard. Well
Well
Ehh.
You know
Walk around apple orchards.
Super romantic.
How many dates have you been on?
Mm.
Of course. Yeah
Hey
Yeah
What are we gonna do about this?
Let me know what they say.
What do you mean?
I dont know.
Whats up? I got your e-mail.
Okay.
Such as?
What? You dont know what it meant? How about Andy is a problem and we must eliminate him?
Yeah. Hah. Hoo.
Creeds head of quality assurance. So hed definitely be wrapped up in this.
Your text said 911.
Whats bad?
Oh
I might have to go public here
Yeah.
There what is?
Were printing on 24-pound premium stock paper
Right. My name is Andrew Baines Bernard
Higher? Okay.   Recently certain events have come to my attention...
Make it higher? Okay.
I have come to the conclusion that the Sabre corporation...
May be overlooking certain safety regulations. At the danger...   ah!   Its working.   Its... I knew it!
We are blowin the roof off! Blowin the roof off!   Nice. Nice. This is my partner
No secret crying. Hasnt even opened the tissue box in there.
Well
How does he feel about it?
Did Donna tell you that?
So youre just making a giant assumption. You dont even know the guy.
My name is Andy Bernard and I am a cuckold. For those of you unfamiliar with William Shakespeare
So... heres the thing about infidelity.
How does that work?
In any cheating movie
Not this time.
This guys a high school baseball coach
Yeah. Those teams have games and practices every day. Lets go check it out.
Oh
Bum bum BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM bum bum
Baseball!
Where?
Stage right or stage left? I played batboy in damn yankees!
And Now
Whatever. Im the one blending in.
Chase Dixon is up. Could be a big play.
I know its like cricket.
And its--theres-- well
Seems pretty well liked by the team.
You do know that high school coaches dont pay their players.
Great game
You guys are awesome! Best game Ive ever seen in my life.
Ha. The other guys can go die.
Baseball! Go talk to him.
Shane. Great game man!
No. Uh
Ha. No. No. But were gay for baseball.
But I have a wife
Yeah. I am so into the institution of marriage.
I mean
I get it
Of course.
But real quick
Come on
Get- Get over here. Sheldon
I just wanna go on record as saying that I do not condone this affair
Do you want someone to stop you? Cause no ones going to.
If you say anything
So unfair. Even if I thought that our printers killed baby seals
Uh...
I
Okay? I
I swear on the graves of my parents who arent even dead yet.
I dont care
I dont know whos giving Darryl any crap. He was more bothered about it than me.
What? Based on what?
Yeah. You know
Gabe
Youre going to believe that guy?
Hey Phyllis
Look
Well
Hey.
Uh
Go
Toby
Whoo! We did it!
Brocolli Rob
And JC. We call him Blorville
Hey!
Not at all.
Am I angry that Gabe stole my girlfriend over the summer? No. Ive been through anger-management
New guy sucks. Calls me the Nard-Man. Im the Nard-Dog
That kid is the worst. Needs to be fired
Clutch cream run
You get that kid to open this car
This kids costing us sales
Oh
No
Whoa! Whoa! Hey. Whoa. Dwight! Stop!
Well
Dwight?
Did you call all of my clients at the mall and cancel all my business while using the F word?
No
Did you assume that I would automatically side with the rich snobby shop owner?   How about now?   How about now?   How about now?
Pretty Woman.
Julia Roberts goes into the store
I was telling that... I was telling that.
A gentleman who is a rich snob who will go into shopping malls and drop huge amounts of cash on clothes.
If someone offers you a cocktail
I think hes got it!

After you.
No.
Steven Sondheim.
Were the cast of Sweeney Todd : The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. We open in a couple weeks at the Loose Screw Playhouse here in Scranton and today just doing a wee bit of viral marketing.
Like a month ago.
Two comps. For my lady and her Gabe. Its closing night. Tomorrow we have to give the theater over to the Scrantons Miss Fitness pageant.
What? Thats awful. Everyones gonna miss that guy.
Gabe is not coming
Everyone.
What kind of terrible rumor monger is Gabe? He is woefully misinformed
8pm sharp.
Hour forty-five.
Jim
Dwight?
It would mean so much to me if you came to my show tonight.
If it makes you feel any better
This guys like world-class. You should not feel bad. Im asking you thespian to thespian. Will you please be the bigger man and come to my show?
Noishe!
Hey
My parents used to scramble to find babysitters so they could take my younger brother to do stuff. I understand how hard it can be. I just-tonight
Yes!
Oh my gosh
Yeah
Guys?
You all made it
Shes babysitting?
I understand. This is
Just checking my e-mails. See if I got any last-minute break a legs or I still love you type texts. Doesnt look like I got anything. Maybe on my Facebook wall.
Mr. Todd! Mr. Todd! I found her!
That monster of a judge has locked her- . Locked her away.
Oh
You know what? Let me just double check
A madhouse.
Yes
Do you think...   so you think...  bottle rolling
Thats really irresponsible of Erin. Shes a terrible babysitter.
Are you ready?
Ah! Blood everywhere.
Yeah
Okay.
These would have been your seats. Best seats in the house. Lots of people think it would be the front row
Awesome.
See you later.
Yeah
It was like amateur hour.
Stop just saying that.
Thank you. That feels good.
Thanks
Okay

Uhh
Very very smart.
Oh its stinging him! Ow! Ow!
Michael
You know what guys
Excuse me everyone
What do you mean again?
Maybe like a year ago...
No
Everyone
Its the worlds only international sport!
Ba na na na na. Hot pizza
So
What
Perfectly normal genitalia Tuna. Now Im going to show you another picture of perfectly normal genitalia.
Its normal! Big deal! Yeah sure it has some herpes on it
Herpes
Ok I guess I can make a pros column. Feels...
Express love
Umm
Then I will write it down.
I actually had that down in the cons column
Ok
Yes! Thank you! Such as?
Yes
Ok
Who can tell me what the safest form of s*x is?
Incorrect
I just thought Id bring it up in case someone in here was practicing abstinence. Thats all. Anybody?
Well someone could answer if they want to.   Ok
What?
Well Im not gonna use my pen1s
Im doing this for you Meredith!
Well did you h- di- GAH! Does no one appreciate what Im doing right now?!
I dont know
How is that relevant to anything?
The only reason I said that is because you asked me so politely! It was very difficult for me to say no.
No Im just sweating.
Im not crying Im just sweating.
Ok.
Whoa. Libby Dirketts got married. Big Red mazel tov to the Libster. Ooh
No
Some Vermont-based alums can hear Broccoli Rob Blatt
Yeah
I was the artsy
Knockity-knock
Not to go all Sherlock Holmes on you
Im starting a band and I need you on keyboards.
This is for pleasure.
Im willing to pay you.
Yeah.
Sixty bucks a session.
Yes!
Please Mr. President-
Yeah.
Yeah
Yeah
Thats a lie.
I just was hoping to maybe save your voice in case we did a novelty song about frogs.
Okay
Okay. Honest feedback time. Oscar?
But do you think it could be famous? Like in a car commercial or something?
I feel like I can see someone ice skating to it. You know
Rude. And not helpful.
Well
Thanks
Reverse snobbery.
Sometimes I feel like life has passed me by.
Holy crap. Are you kidding me? You just made that-thats amazing!
Which me am I gonna be today?
I gotta closet full of mes. Am I gonna be the happy me?
Oh
Wait. Seriously?
So were just
Closet full of mes-
Ill be your croak madame.
Croak
Ribbit!
What about this one? Its kinda badass
shirtless
Shh! Shhh!
Tuna! Tuna! Do you want us to skip this party?
You know what else?   The-this... this sucks for Jim. Right? But it also sucks for us. Because we dont get invited to a ton of Halloween parties.
Creeds going?!
Screw corporate! They probably stole the idea anyway.
Hey
Im really sorry
You were?
Were just like
Well Jim and Pam basically begged us not to go...
Sookehhh.   Bill Compton
Whats up
When I was a freshman in college
I started to ask myself
And a top of the day to you too
looking at Cece
Does the Nard-dog want Nard-pups? Yeah. I want a big ol litter of Nard-pups. All jumping around
What if the moon was your car and Jupiter was your hair brush?
Michael
Save me an aisle seat
I will not stand idly by while these Mexican villagers are sick.
Whatever. I wont-I wont stand for it.
Were one in a million.
Just a heads up. Probably gonna be borrowing a few things. Uh
Good-bye
Well
I dont know
They dont know how.
Well
Do you smell like a weird
And the Christmas party.
Nah
I can make myself cry.
Should I-I got it. I got it.   Um
Well
Just make him stop the freaking bus!
It doesnt matter.
If we went to Mexico
Stop the bus!
I bet hes wishing he had a hybrid
Youre having a party at Gabes apartment?
You would?
Try and keep me from coming!
Try and hide it
No what?
Yeah.
Oh thanks.
Why does Erin like Gabe?
Thats really nice

enters room where Phyllis is pouring wine
My nanny used to wear that.
I just ate powdered seahorse! I have to admit I did not think it was gonna work
muttering going on all around
What does this say?
confused
Did you wear my favorite outfit on purpose?
Youre four seasons in a day.   You... got the Autumn thing going on. But if you put on ba-   Put if you put on a blue...  stops
No!
Puts pillow in front of the puke.
Erin likes Gabe.
Do you think that theyve ever...
Well girls tell each other things right?
I accidentally ate some seahorses.
I didnt know its powdered
Thats so beautiful.
I got it
Im sorry
Anyone can just throw numbes up on a chart. What are you doing to make it happen?
You have his email?
That sounds weird.
Yeah
Your doing the wrong thing. Youre gonna lose Michaels investment. Youre gonna lose ours.
If you tell Michael to sell
All those in favor of selling
Youre gonna lose all of our money.
Whats the occasion?
I would like a muffa du blueberry por favor.
Eight dollars?
Yeah
Hey Darryl.
But I wanted you to know that Michael and I are wearing the same tie today. Its insane.
Got it. Then I will call you.
Well are you?
Oh my gosh she is so cute. She looks like both of you.
Oh
Megan Fox! Come on!
Yes
Oh
It is not just coffee.
And then he will smugly pay the cheque and make you feel so small.
Damn it. Michael
Michael
This guy doesnt just wanna win. Yknow
Im like a quarter of the way through.
No.
Yeah.
Shhh. Youre gonna scare em away.
Yeah. Right.
Lets just jump in the air!
Well
Yea?
All good
Hello Kittys for girls.
That sounds awesome. Can we all do it?
Is it criminal?
Have we heard of it?
Oh
I bought these.
These cookies are fine.
I will help. Although my brid
I do
You know Darryl?
I should come along
Its cool
Come on
Christmas tree
Ehh
I dont have kids or anything
Yes.
Nobody hug me
Why would anyone frame you for that?
I am the mean old grinch. The little girl who wishes to win back the Christmas star must first succeed at these challenges.
Wahhh...
No. You must answer topical political questions. How many congressmen is the state of Pennsylvania guaranteed? And what other state has the equal number?
Do you know the other state?
The star has been hidden. Is the little girl hot or cold? Well
Drink less caffeine. Thats a good one
Yeah. I love cooking
No
Thats a good one.
You know what
The bookstore?
All right! We should divide up by section. I will take romance and travel.
Hi.
Let us know if you need anything.
Why did we pretend like we work here?
Good!
We kinda nailed it.
Hey
I dont know. Single moms at a skating party. Sweet sixteen
Roller derby practice!
Um... Dave Matthews Band. No hits! Deep tracks only.
I said no hits!
Hey! Where did you go?
Oh
Yeah
And where did you go?
Thats actually Master of Ceremonies Bernard.
Last year
Thank you so much Tuna Turner. You are simply the best.
Go higher. I get super flexible when Im nervous.
No. What? You cant do that. You are a critical part of this seminar. Youre the charming warm-up guy
If the seminar was a meal
You cant. You cant.
I cant have this go badly. Im a terrible salesman
Theyre not worms
Stanley
What? I already lost Jim. Salesmen are suppose to help each other out. Were suppose to be a team.
Kevin
Hey
Hi
I need somebody to talk to this seminar about business.
Can you do it?
So no?
What do I put you down for
All right!
Okay
What?
Kevin
Ryan
Welcome everybody. Awesome to see you guys. My name is Andy Bernard but you can call me The Nard Dog.
Lets get things started
Are you okay?
Here...
Im really excited to introduce you guys to Ryan Howard. He has achieved a great deal in the last...
What are you...
That brilliant little bitch.
Ladies and gentlemen
Okay. All right
Thank you.
Really?
Excuse me.
Hey
What?
to Dwight
Hi. Hope you enjoyed your lunch. Welcome back.   Ooh. Well
Maybe. Only maybe.
Wow! What a day
Yeah
Yeah
This is hard for me. Im a nice guy.
Okay
Yes! Awesome! All right
Good choice. The rest of you are dead to me. You made the stupidest decision of your life.
But it was a pleasure meeting you
Well
Hey
Oh
Divorced?
Sorry
And you didnt invite any of us?
Yeah
Boo-yea!
You?
Oh it is on like Genghis Khan wearing Sean Jean in Buton.
Woo-hoo.
Yeah
Phyllis!
Oooohhh.
Do the next one.
Oh!

Birthday punches!   One two three four five sice seven eight!
...thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen seventeen eighteen nineteen twenty twenty-one twenty-two twenty-three twenty-four twenty-five twenty-six!...
...So I got an early res at Blue Wasabi and Im taking Rachel. Shes picking me up after work.
Oh
Whats up?
Are you kidding me? Its all I did every summer when my brothers were out sailing.
But if there is a romantic thing with Gabe
Well
At least until Stanley calms down.
D...d...d...d...dont look. I accidentally did his Sudoku.
Shes neat. Uh
Hey
I wish you well on your quest.
Aww
Okay.
Whoa.
We should actually probably talk about it outside or we might make Darryl mad.
I think he can hear us.
That makes sense
Darryl is a jerk.
No
Oh. Okay.
The temp at night?
Pi...
Okay.
Right. Okay.
Okay
Oh
How romantic is this?
Right. Do you see a clue or...
Oh
No time to chat.
Hey.
B-9.
Maybe its just more like
Mm.
Hmm.
Some people are really popping on screen!
Whoa Whoa Whoa! Isnt the president evil?
looking at his computer
Where did you get this?!
This is a sick computer! Gwen Stefani has this computer!  to Pam
Yeah
Well Andys desk needs a computer. And
Im not asking for one
Phyllis
What are you gonna play mange on faster?
Its crazy
Pam
-take a few breaths
Thats interesting. So you also think my computer is crappy.
Seriously?
Pam! Come on!
Fine!   Please make sure no one is humping me!
Pam. Can I talk to you in private?
Well they put a sign-up sheet on the conference room and I signed us up for three mods. A mod is five minutes. And it started two minutes ago.
Can we talk about this in the meeting? Because were a little late.
Mind if I close the door?   What you did out there
You humiliated me in front of every body!
I mean
Pretty sneaky sis.
Andy is seen clicking random things and warning boxes pop up. He pours coffee on his keyboard
No no no no no! We can say that the previous owner was a neat-freak. Or an elegant old lady and she just kept it around in case her grand-kids came to visit
Thats probably good. Thats enough.
Lets not go crazy.
plugging in new computer
Whered you even find this thing
All right
Close it.
Close it.
Close it.
Just close it.
Oh my gosh
Really?
Well... theres no instructions.
Im pretty good at board games.
Sure.
Hmm
And call a proxy meeting to take control of you and oil once and for all.
Why not. Seems to me were just making up rules cause somebody forgot to staple the rules to the inside of the game like a normal human being.
Oooh.
Well played.
We must honorably adhere to the rules we are making up on the spot.
Well thats Dallas.
You cant go
That exact situation is why I always carry around some of these.  holds up Hello
I wasnt even trying to make a joke. But I guess Ive always been sorta quirky
Here we go... ok... what do African Americans call...
I... dont know. Help me.
I dont mean to go into a rant here
I wrote the perfect joke. Topical
...I saw this thing on the news. Democrats want electric cars. Republicans dont. Im thinking
I wasnt taking a position. Its just one of those things where-
Yeah
Lets see if they have my favorite teas in here...  throws tea packets into air

I guess this is my life now.
Why dont you think of hosting the Dundies like youre just running a meeting.
A lot of people Id like to thank
I mean
Nine million
Hey!
Why dont you
Okay! Thats so weird! Just go away!
Hi Tuna.
Wow.
You know Im the worst salesman here right?
Im gonna lose em.
I promise you that I will.
No.
I just lost Porter Hardware! I just
walking into the kitchen
Im going to be dropping out on one of our biggest clients this afternoon and I could use some back up.
I thought wed just talk about our customer service and exceptional paper quality.
What do I know?
Yeah.
Yeah!
Alright.
No. I dont.
Awwhh
Oh
Mmhmmm.
Uh DeAngelo
Sir
Hey!   Good job boss!
Hey!
Oh
I gotcha covered
Whoa
How could I not see it? Youre so right.
And if he doesnt listen
Yes! Im in.
Im going in
Okay
In fairness
I know
Yeah?
Sure. Whats going on?
What?
No
Were just friends
Yeah
Pam
Dwight
Aah! Aah! Its so loud!
Eeeeeeee... Theres like this crazy ringing going on. I cant - eeeeeee... I cant find perfect C.
Somethings definitely wrong.
I think I should go the hospital.
Thank you
Its my ear.
Okay
Hey.   Were back.
Well
Yeah.
Temporary deafness in one ear. It was both ears. I couldnt hear a thing Darryl was saying while we were in the waiting room.
We have to clean this up now!
No!
Uh...
Did I say that earlier? Yes
And sobbing uncontrollably. Yes. Uh-huh. You were in hysterics. And my maternal instincts kicked in. Is it actually how I feel? Yes. Or no. That is... between me and my diary.

The manager job? Nah
Dont even...   EEEHHHH!!!!
EEEHHH!! No. Hehe.
In my family
Good luck
Okay
Augh.
For starters
I wasnt acc-
Right! I really wasnt trying to insult any
What?
Okay. Let me think... are you counting car windows?
Uh
Yeah! And the diameter of the Sun is 870
I am unhappy with the confusing and
Hey
Whered you learn how to puppet like that?
Listen
Erins my best friend in this office
Tuna... Youre completely sane.
Who do you like for the job? Is there anyone who maybe was a little underwhelming at first
Whoever it is
She may have a point there... would a small pen1s work? Small-to-moderate.
Uh
Sometimes you hear about people failing upwards. I think Im about to do that.
After you my good sir.
I insist.
I... its unbelievable. True
Uh
Thank you
Hey
First item on the agenda: can I get everyone an extra long Columbus Day weekend. Item number two
The Friday before Columbus Day. Thoughts?
Just making chit-chat. Kind of a medium year for womens soccer
Really great list of names guys. Thank you so much. Good work.
Oh
I gotta say. Kinda seems like the left sides the side to be on. Me
We couldnt crack it.
Hell know that we looked at his private notebook.
Im already working on this Columbus Day thing for you guys and its starting to stack up. Feels like a lot. One thing at a time.
Whats up? Weird thing. Totally awkward
And it was open. And people saw this. And theyre just kinda going nuts and like wondering what it is.
Its a photocopy from your notebook.
No. They did. And they asked me to ask about it.
What?
That is fascinating. And
Okay. Roberts in the annex
Stanley
Thank you. A little much needed comic relief
Dwight!
Well
Great group! Pizza party!
Well
Okay. You guys ever had Margarita pizza?
Fresh tomato with a dollop of mozzarella cheese.
Ah hah! Their interpretation of Margarita pizza. Fans of classic pizza will be psyched.
Cmon Pam. Chins up
Yeah?
When I was a salesman I could just be like Not my job
Hi
Thank you. Great. Robert. I said winners and losers. Is that what youre talking about?
Oh
No. No
Im going in there.
I know that every time I talk to you things just seem to get worse. But
Well
Meredith Palmer... Supplier relations. The word no not even in her vocabulary. And just to show you that Im being fair. You had Gabe in the loser column. I think that is astute. Good call. Pam
Erin Hannon
Yes. No! The Friday before Columbus Day
Yes
I dont care.
Hey guys. So Columbus Day
Well
Night.
Night.
Kevin
Here
What are you gonna do with all this time?
Oh
I just wanted to pop in and get your opinions on ties...and tie clips. Which combo do you think Robert is going to like more?   What do you think
Yeah. C-SPAN
I am still forming a first impression with Robert. Once it is formed
Hi Dad!...... Ahhh....oh boy.
Are you factoring in the... whole national ...economy.... declining and all that?
I think I can sum it up with what I think is your favorite ice cream flavor....vanilla?
You were saying you chose me.... There was a reason?
Can I inspire?   I dont know!.....I dont know.
Why dont we get Robert a nice hot fresh cup and I will have this.
Ive been craving a freezing cup of old coffee.   Mmm....
I do.
You know
You got it.
Done.
Neither am I
Whats up
If no one else wants to? I was just thinking about Robert...man. What a boss. Just throws down goals
OF course not. Theres no magic button. You have to summon that.
Dwight
You know what? We need to get our heads out of the box. If we did have something
Fart..... good Sesh.   That legs asleep.
D-Bone. There you are.
No
I know
Yeah...um
Must be a tough time to be a family farm.
Oof. What are you gonna do about that?
Theres gotta be some way you can double your beet sales...
Thanks for coming in guys.
Well I never got thanked for coming into a meeting and I always wanted to be so Im gonna thank people.
This is whats under the blanket.
These are incentives. Its how were gonna double growth. Now
Youre exactly right and you get a point.
Twenty points.
Ive outlined the exact parameters in an email
Theres lots of stuff. John Irving
I cant.
Ooh I didnt mean to offend you
Thats a crazy amount of points.
Well
Alright. For five hundred points
Ill run naked through the parking lot with a donut on my ding-dong.   Yeah? You like that? Alright! For five thousand points
Swear to God
T-bag bone...
Have you noticed a little bit of a mood shift around here?
Really? Because I sat next to Stanley for years....and this is nap time. Open eye nap time. He balances the phone on his shoulder and just powers down. Now look at him.
You think it has something to do with that incentive program?
Bah...I think people thought I was kidding when I said that.
Hundred and twenty points.
Hey Kevin
Hi
Took ‘em one day.
OK
We should think about this...does anyone have any better ideas?
Just need a second outside.
Yeah.
Tunes..what am I doing here? Why did Robert pick me? ....Confession: I dont know what Im doing.
My ass is only so big
No one expects me to go through with this
Lets ink...my stink!
My heart belongs to music. But my ass belongs to these people.
Do your worst!
They are already off
Well
This is where I grin and be-YOW OW!
Invest in softer cotton
AHHHHH!!!!!!!
Its a Nard Dog!   Thats my nickity-name! I love it
Oscar
Well
Were losing cloud cover.
The warehouse crew won the lottery yesterday. Nine hundred and fifty thousand dollars. And then they quit!...and no one else can focus.   This is it. This is all on my shoulders. Im the one who has to tell everyone to get back to work
Are you kidding me?! Guys if I have to ask you to get back to work one more time
What d-? What..what? Wuh
Are they on their way over?
This is kinda time sensitive.
Alright
Are you volunteering?
Jim! How bout you?
Great. And Kevin.
You look awesome.
Where are we in the process?
Did you go out celebrating with the guys last night?
You do have a fantastic basement.
Right. Um
That is not Darryl. I dont know where Darryl is. I suspect probably our Darryl is inside of fat Darryl.
Welcome
Does anyone have experience? Shelving
Well-
Um
You sure? Cause you keep talking about it
Good. Great. Then can you say things that arent like a huge bummer to everybody? Cause the more I talk
We need you
OK?
Alright.
Alright! Thank you for coming back in
Good. Keepin em honest.
Are we scaring them straight....?
Is everyone licensed?
No. Warehouse license....Masters in warehouse sciences?...I
No. Not joking. This is real....painfully real
Does anyone get distracted easily by bubble wrap?   Youll be dealing with lots of bubble wrap obviously. Um...
No. Because they all left.
I mean
What are you talking about? Im not gonna fire you.
.....OK
So Darryl says to me fire me. But what he really means is Im gonna say something really weird
Attention! Does anyone know anyone who could work in the warehouse? We can pay. Come on Oscar
Definition.
Are those just show muscles? Or is he really strong?
Gideon. You are a PhD candidate studying Americas diminishing blue-collar workforce?
Great....Well
Eh
Got it. Dually noted. You!   Coolest tank top I have ever seen. Where did you get that?
So cool! What a cross-section we have here. Thats what I love about interviewing. I get to meet all these people I wouldnt ordinarily meet or know or even talk to.
Surprise! Your new crew.
Why? Because you didnt win the lottery? How am I supposed to make you happy?
Yeah.
Haha
Im not gonna give you my job! Its my job! I earned it! And heres the thing
Nate! Please....thank you. You have no business education
He didnt die
None
Oh
Hey. Heres the thing. Jo saw something in you. She loved you! She gave you a shot and then you stopped pushing. She noticed.
OK what?
Ah
Yeah.   That makes sense. OK. Good
What is goin on?!
Why is the truck empty?
No
Yeah? Pretty cool
What better way to announce our new slightly lower prices than with an ad campaign? And what better face for an ad campaign than our new regional manager?
Howd it look?
No.
What?   Morning
Erin
Oh
Which one did you see?
Yeah
Now
Its just a garden party. Sheesh.
You dont need a reason to throw a garden party anymore than you need a reason to throw a birthday party. Its a garden party. You dont need a reason.
Few other super simple reminders – no burping
I get it
This is not a picnic
Aw
Im glad you asked – Connecticut Casual.
Guys
Its my dad and my brother. I would have joined in but this melody doesnt really support another harmony part
Yeah
See you all there at 3 p.m.
Ooh
Sure.
Uh
You know
Then the basil will be fine.
Hows it going over here
Didnt mean to bother you
Well
I dont know how you got there.
This branch
Did I throw this party to impress my parents? Thats crazy. Now
Can I introduce you around now?
What are you going to see?
What??
I didnt know you were going to be here.
Welcome.
Hey
Oh
So pretty today.
Yeah
Toasts are great. I mean
Lets hear from you guys
You cant triple toast somebody! At least not until we get everyone once.
Yeah
Some of you know that we have an internet star in our midst. Mr. Walter Baynes Bernard Sr.
Ah
Yes!
Well
Saying I love you is not the words...
Yeah?
Right
Saying I love... Saying I love you...
Is anyone filming this? Seriously! Erin!
Cheers! Alright! Cheers
Hello
I dont know
I know
Hey everybody
Um
Thanks
Approved!
Chef from South Park
Ive decided to pre-screen all the Halloween costumes this year. I have three simple rules - dont be offensive
Whoa! Aw
Costume vetoed.
Ah
Kevin has a gorilla suit you could borrow.
Guys
I thought you were at your sisters funeral.
Um
There you go. Thank you.
Everybody looking good
I just got a text from Broccoli Rob - Boo! Scared me. And then I got this text from Robert California - Looking forward to Halloween party. Expectations are high. Scared the s**t out of me.
Gday
Australian accent...
Hey! Uh-oh
Yes.
Wow
Hey. Whats up?
Yeah...
Um
Can we talk about it at the end of the day? I gotta call
Yes.   I dont know. Mmhmm.
It really looks great. You did a great job.
We should still have that talk. Maybe you can come by my office at like 4:45?   Cool.
Whats the story?
I think weve seen enough. You can turn it off now.   Yeah turn it off now.
That was awful. Robert I apologize.
What we have here is a classic misunderstanding.
Did you think I was going to fire you? No I wasnt.   Im sorry this must be really uncomfortable for you.
Ok. Erin I think you know Ive been dating someone.
And its getting a little more serious. Shes never come by.
No I didnt want her to call because I thought it would be weird. But now its weird that shes not calling.
Thirty-one.
Hey everybody its closing time. You dont got to go home but you cant stay here.
Closing time.
Every office needs an end of the day tradition. Something to tell you the day is over. Otherwise
Closing time
One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey and beer.
Come on pam!
I know who I want to take me home. I know who I want to take me home.   I know who I want to take me home.   Take me hooo...hooome! You know what fine! I try to start fun traditions for you guys
Whose your favorite iron chef?
You go first.
Well the monitoring software is a double edged sword. Sometimes...
Umpf...thats not good. Chalk that one up to Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb out there.
Theyre both Kevin. Oscar is the s*x and the City gang and Angela
I would agree with that.
End the mistakes
I would like that.
What do you got?
Sounds controversial.
Do not go there! Youre the deuce I never want to drop.
Go do the voodoo that you do so well.
Mmhmmm.
Hi guys. I just wanted to say that
And Id like to add that your work has been a little sloppy. So
If we as a group make five mistakes in a day
Are you sure this is a good idea? I mean the thing about this office is
Alright everybody
Dwights our co-worker and he worked really hard on this doomsday device so I...
Alright everybody
Gahhh. Thats five strikes.
Dwight we got five strikes.
Did the email go out or...
Well
Ok! Dwight you may now enter your password.
What?!
Nn no.
No!
Some of us should go there and talk some sense into him. Get him to stop that email.
Pam
Kevin has that lovability.
Jim
Gotcha something.  gives Dwight cap
Well now hold on it
Where you going?
Dwight
What are you doing? Its 5 to 5.
Thats insane!
Trust you
Enngh-
Oh!
Erin.
In two minutes I want you to come into this meeting and tell me I have a really important phone call. Im not going to take it because I want him to know how important the meeting is to me.
Nobody. Just say that Im- Just make it up that I have a phone call. And then Im going to refuse to take it.
Just make up a phone call. Its not a real call. Make it up.
And come and tell me. Doesnt matter what it is.
Im not going to take it. And then hes going to be like whoa this is a really important meeting.
Okay.
Ok
Yeah.
Im sorry – Im with a very important client. Itll have to wait.
There is nothing more important to me right now than this meeting.
I dont think shes dead.
Shes not dead. This is exactly the kind of thing my mom pulls.
Yeah. Um line 1?
Hi.
Ooh
Officer.
Did she have any last words or?
Oh make sure that your client gets the best deal possible.
That is so mom.
Alright thank you officer. Erin please hold all my other calls. Where were we?
Im delivering it from the fridge. Its like a porno. Hey did anyone order a pizza?
Yeah and were not about to make love. I just thought maybe youd want to eat lunch at your desk today so that during lunch we could go down to the warehouse and bang out a few tunes.
Uh you tell me
Ske-be-do-bah-bap-bah-de
Thank you. I think I said doop instead of boop at one point.
Hey Robert
Well were all musicians and we play together sometimes.
Thank you.
Miss no more! What do you play? Join us!
CEOs dont play tambourines. Tambourines are for girlfriends.
Great!
I had totally given up on hanging out with Robert California and now he wants to be in our band! And when youre in a rock and roll band with somebody
Yeah
Yeah
Midnight what?
Did you know that Lisa toured with Chaka Khan?
Well
Maybe we could switch instruments.
Cause
We had to leave because of creative differences.
Well-
Rudit-do-do-do-di-do.
Hey! All right
Hey guys
Never cry wolf.
What?! They took another client from us? Okay
I am a leader. But you can only inspire people so much in a place like this. So today Im turning the inspire-factor up to ten with a little help from my friend Americas bloodiest battle.
Why even read business books? We should be studying war. Going to places like Gettysburg. Where is that?
gags
That sounds super inspiring! Im in!
Charge!
Yeah
Dates
You know
Anyone whos not going
One for you.
And one for you.
And- oh. You missed your head.   There you go. Phyllis
All right
Its just not appropri- I mean
All right
You guys...
Get excited!
All right! Were here. Limitless can wait.
Woo-hoo! Ladies and gentlemen the eighteen hundreds await you. We can watch Limitless on the way back.
Woo!
Whoa
Yeah
Unless youre going on the very specially-created and meticulously-researched Andy Bernard tour.
After Chancellorsville
We dont need to bother this poor gentleman. I know exactly where were going. Giddy up! Tallyho!
Lets talk about food for a second. Food for thought.
Hunger! Hunger for victory! Hunger for honor. Hunger for pride.
Exactly. Now do you know the Civil War soldiers were hungry for? Pride! Now
We are all branches on this tree. And from the tree comes paper. Were all part of a business. But business is war. Whats that I hear? Uh
Get the flag! Get the flag! Come on
Spangler Springs is a mile this way.
Its... I mean come on.
Alright fine. You know what – I guess this place just hasnt rubbed off on you the way I hoped it would. Im still going. And Im not going to ask anymore. Im not even going to look back. Im just going to assume that youre with me.
Dammit.
You guys came. Wheres everyone else?
Yeah I asked the bus driver to lock it because our stuff was in there. I guess he follows orders.
Even without an audience youre still at it.
Our office has a disease. And it goes by many names. Sarcasm. Snark. Wisecracks. You take things people care about and you make them feel lame about it with your jokes. Thats what you did with this trip.
You dont like the hats?
They just didnt turn out how I wanted. In my head they were cooler
The world will little note
Andrew... Baines... Bernard.
Andrew Baines Bernard. I love filling these out. Because its like taking a test
What was that?
Hey there. Its a pleasure.
I would love to. But I have to be completely honest with you guys. Were 100 percent staffed up.
Alright.
Alright! The DM Express is pulling out.
We will start here at Erinville.
Reception. Your classic one-man operation.
I was watching a movie and a bunch of apes took over San Francisco. Just saying.
Ill explore exploring it.
Ok uh next stop on the tour sales. Here we go. Station stop Jim Halpert. Oh boy our resident truth teller.   Alright have at it. Let ‘er rip. What do you hate about this place?
Jim?
You know if you joined our sales department you would be working very closely with our department head Mr. Dwight Schrute.
Dwight why dont you tell Susan about some of your hobbies. Survival skills. Ranking of animals.
Oh how am I supposed to pull this off?  . The entire office is being nice to her than theyve ever been to me. What I wouldnt give for one of Phyllis classic room clearing farts right now.
But we already have a surplus of accountants as it is.
Those are fully staffed as well.
Yes.
Let me beat around the bush for a second. Our chairman of the board has some very strong feelings about-
There are lots of considerations.
Alright. Well then welcome aboard.
We get you over to HR and then we get you set up with accounting.   Hang on. Hello?
Hi gam-gam.
Are you taking your med-meds?
We promised wed never say goodbye.
Hey
I am not asking
It would be great if she were gone by lunch. Erin
What is going on?
Okey-dokey
Why would you say that?
Its not that
Lets just say that if you dont want to work here
I dont know.
Yes! The dude is an enigma.
Ah...
Cameras...
It just was one of those things-
Yes?
No games?
Okay. I mean
I am lying. I am a compulsive liar.
No
No
Jim
I think weve got ourselves an answer.
That makes complete sense. Thank you all for a wonderful day.
Uh...
Yep.
Hey
You know
Yeah.
Yeah.
Who knows?
Totally.
Hmm?
Christmas tiiiime is heeeere!   Wow. Thanks guys
Whos excited to get their holiday wishes?
Whats that
It is important to be mindful of all belief systems at our holiday party.
Fulfilled! Brought my bicycle
That
Light side.
As a matter of fact
So
Ugh! Gam-gams name is Ruth
Jessica is my super serious girlfriend
Totally out of your league. So in summation
Well you came to the right place....Ah
Oh
Well
It wasnt either of you.
Sh sh sh sh! Dont look. Who it was is not important...but she did say that your constant pranking and one-upsmanship is driving her crazy. She or he.
Hey! Hey! Respect the hat!
Alright. Im gonna speak in a language you both understand....Mo-nay.
Money....You both have sizable Christmas bonuses coming your way. If I catch either of you messing with the other
You need consequences. OK? I want you both walking on eggshells.
My ex is meeting my s*x....which is always scary
Hey! Jess
Hey everyone! I want you to meet Jessica
Erin
What?
Oh no.
Ut oh
Edgy impressions.
How many drinks have you had tonight? I cant be driving everybody home.
Whoa! Maybe you should take a break.
Jim
What? ...Alright
OK!
Um
Yeah
Yep.   Hey!
Have you had anything to eat besides candy canes?
OK...maybe I should make you some oatmeal or something.
Ah
Thats not what it should be
You you
Hey
I swear...
I was too embarrassed!
Um.
Cici is Jims daughter.
I know who did this....Dwight.
Dwight.
Yeah. He is gonna pay. This is fire-able.
Its
You know those movies where two friends are sleeping together and its like
Do you think two friends who are not sleeping together can stay friends?
No...I dont
By the way
Alright
Christmas miracles do happen.
OK great.
Perfect.
I would
OK
You bet.
Thank god Erins getting a ride home with Robert because she is trashed.   and who better to drive her home than Robert
Lets go
Hang on.
What?
What is all that?
Its junk!
Youre a hoarder. My god!
Ah! My Santa suits stuck.
Sh
Oh my god.
Meredith
Im sure I am not. Lets get you home.
Whoo.
It was a raccoon! Eating a hamburger like a person!
Love letters
Books! Excellent
Shh! Did you hear that? Infinity! There is an infinity of things that you can do with paper! Now
Im talking about you guys! Who in this room
Yes!
Robert said that we needed to double our sales growth to eight percent by the end of the quarter. Thats today. And were eight hundred and thirty dollars short. And I cant afford to keep buying paper from us. So today
Hey C-span. So my dad says an accountant can really help you out
So make that error!
Well
Its just
Oh.
What?
You know what? Go. Have fun.
Theres a trivia contest at a bar in Philadelphia.
I didnt even say what it is.
But heres the best part. The prize is a thousand dollars
Yeah? You like it?
All right.
Im so psyched you guys are into it because I thought- I was like
There is one problem with this plan.
Wed have to leave work
You left us no choice
Ive got a quota to hit. I dont care how I hit it.
Wait
It says that I believe that my staffs intelligence and that Im willing to try anything.   Not anything.
Uh
A-team.
All right
Oh
Jim
Youre my sports guys! Youre ESPN
So the best chance of hitting our mark is now in the hands
Whoo! Yeah!
Go Einsteins!
Oh
Jessica! I love you! Thats a message from my mom.
My parents met Jessica and they completely flipped for her so they gave me this old family ring to use on her. I know
Um
Well
Oh.
Yeah
Hmm? Flicking a bug off my wiener.
No
Hi.
Its great. You know. Reliable. Great mileage.
Well
No. What?
All right
Okay.
In a minute. In a minute.
A minute would be cool.
Hey
Where...  finds pants
No thanks.
Kelly
I cant believe youre wearing it. Are you not superstitious at all?
The ring of a failed marriage might have some sinister energy
You know what
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yay!   Whoa!
I cannot believe youre still up!
Dwight are you okay? Hey
Ooh
Mmm.
Last I checked
Were done. Erin and I are over.
Have at it. Or take it slow. Whatever you guys work out.
Wow.
Yeah. Oh wow. How did you know it was mine?
Duh.
Oh
Honestly Erin
Val
Everybody out.
I cant promise what Im going to do or not do.
Obviously Im going to clean up.
Stress is like the uptight mayor or a town whos saying
Hey! Tuna! Hes back.
Oh
Hand roll.
Come on
Whats up
Dwight
No. Dwight! I have me on the record
Here
Attaboy. Good. Now
Yeah
I feel terrible getting lied to. No ones ever lied to me before.
No
Do you know why you never heard of it?
Covered it up.
They used to call me King Tut because Im so good at keeping things under wraps.
My nickname was actually King Butt
Yeah but who remembers all their customers? I mean
Why? Everybodys heard it.
Hey
Why? Why?
His car broke down. So he called me
Thirty minutes out
Were getting buried out there. What was that stuff about the car breaking down?
Im not Rumpelstiltskin
I dont even know what the truth is anymore.
Uh
Dwight
I know what I said. Jim
Aw! You guys. Hes licking on my finger
Oh!
Wow
Theres cross-hatching in some of these. Thats kind of advanced for a two-year-old.
Hey
Hey
Oh
Dwight
Pam! Ahh! Look what I can do now that shes no longer pregnant.   Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!
Dwight
I think youre going to like it.
Oooh
That...  you got a promotion!   Right? I mean thats not the kinda thing you wanna read quietly at your desk.
No
And heres some facts for you. Did you know frogs can hear with their lungs? And that flamingos can have orgasms that last 30 minutes.
Yeah
Uh yeah
Pin twins! This is a gift from Jessica
You wanna take Darryl
Can I interest you in someone less essential? Like uh a Creed or a Meredith perhaps?
Theyre not expendable exactly
Alright
You have your team.
Mooshie mooshie.
Well uh...well the deliberations were confidential so...I feel like we should respect that.
Guys. Guys. Guys. Come on
I use the word guys a lot when Im nervous...guys.
Guys! Guys! Guys!
Guys..
Dudes...the dudes who are going to Florida were picked by Dwight and me.
Wha-
OK
No. That is a ridiculous waste of time.
Five to six hours?
No no no no.
Nope.
Thirty minutes!
Or both?
Very impressive. He put a lot of work into that.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah
Well...
Erin
Well it wouldnt be hard to find someone to fill in..
Tuns
OK
....Stanley..
...Ryan...
...Erin...
...And
Safe travels.
Oh
Ahh!   Sorry I couldnt resist. Its so quiet.
Its so quiet
Of course
Yes
Oh! There we go! Pam?
Can you get the phone?
Mm
Phones ringing.
Fine. Hello
Yeah
Hey Darryl
Up high.
Dunder Mifflin
Im acting like I like reception and Im a really good actor
Mail call!   His name is Oscar
Yes I am
I found my calling.
Ugh! Fine. Did you see this?
I mean...
Dunder Mifflin
Oh
I miss her too.
Check this out. My brother just got a new sailboat. He has NO idea what he just got himself into. Theres nothing harder than taking care of a boat...am i right?
Okay
Say what?
Say what?
Say-
Tonight were staying late to service the accounts of the people who went on the Florida trip.
...ball droppings can be beautiful. For example
Who is ready for dinner? oh
Additional trivia factoid
Heyyy... lets get back to the food. Brandon
Goat...
Thornwood Wholesalers.
Im pretty sure if Darryl sent Val a text
... yeah...
Thank you.
Kelly
Play it cool
Yeah
Cool-down fiesta begins right now. I got decaf coffee...
I got Romy and Micheles High School Reunion...
Morning
Dont care. Tell me later.
What do you got?
Yes
What?
Heres what happened. Pam and I were arriving for the day. And there was a gang in the parking lot on bikes
They had
I just stepped in to talk some sense into them.
Punches were going
I didnt do anything any of you wouldnt have done.
No.
No
And my eye will heal. But if the police come
Because I have neighborhood Pride. 1-8-5-0-5.
Exactly. We need to feel safe
Right Toby? Will you teach us self defense?
Great.
What if youre being attacked by a ... smallish man who happens to not have a groin?
What if youre being attacked by a 411 man who is penisless?
Why dont we start with the basics? Show us how to defend ourselves against a baby
So in that scenario
Take that
I think you guys might have the wrong Office.
Listen
Oh...
Hey
You know why I got hit by girls? Because I stood up for others. Pam and for Toby.  I stepped in and I didnt care that I was standing up to girls. You may wanna ask yourselves
Tough day. Yes. But I feel good. I put the office in their place
Everyone stop what youre doing
Hes gone
Yeah. That was him on the phone. He sounds wonderful.
How could I have been more clear? He had a massive stroke   of good fortune and he is now in a better place.
I think that Dwight wanted us to realize that this conversation among friends is the true treasure.
Yeah
Now
Would if I could. And I can so I will. Put me down for one box. Dont care what it is
Damn it.
video chat begins
Oh
No.
I dont buy it. It
What?
Yeah
Im just dealing with Erins stuff since apparently shes not coming back. And she didnt bother to tell anyone.
Ryan
You never update it.
Does anyone else think this is weird? And like
Im going to Florida to get Erin.  grabs coat
Hello.
Hey
Okay
...Florida Flu.
Im in Florida to get Erin. As soon as I heard she wasnt coming back to Scranton
Here I am  Signed
Uh
Hm?
Well
All right. Technically
on phone message
Nope. Its just work. Not important. You know
I dont know.   Just let it vibrate. Its fine.
I dont think it does that.
Jim?
I- Im home in bed. Ive been in bed all day. I got the-- I got the serious poops
What do you mean
Okay... Jim
Yeah
--sorry
Well
You broke my heart too.
Im so sorry that we have not loved each other at the same time.

That did not go how I wanted it to. Ugh. I have a whole ton of Erins favorite food for the drive back
Erin!
Okay.
Wait
Like your toothbrush and stuff.
You dont have a toothbrush?
How do you not have a toothbrush?
You just use whichever one is sitting there?
Of course. I own my toothbrush.
Two crazy kids on the journey of life.
On the road with my new girlfriend. But first
Mm-hmm. Its a beautiful place. Great place to let her down easy.
Oh. Hmm.
Time to have a little kiss!
Mm. Sorry. Right. No kisses till the breakup is official.
I believe in that.
I think thats important. That is important. Bummer
Mm-hmm.
...and Jessica
Consider it nailed.
Okay
I just need you to know-
Wow. Theres a lot of cars here. This is just weird.
Hey
I was just on my way back from this business trip
Why is Erin with me? Thats a great question. She is my coworker
Yep. This is Erin.
Yeah. Uh
Itll be fine. Just act natural. Do you want a gummy pen1s?
These are delicious.
Ew! Aww! That seems gross at first blush
Hey.
Oh! Ah
Aww.
Oh
Well
By yon bonnie banks and by yon bonnie braes...
No. I gotta do this. Hey Jessica
Uh
Well
Uh
Whoa! That? No. Okay. You want honesty? Super-honesty time. Im gay.
I am gay
You did not
I like hanging out with you. Youre a cool guy. Which proves my point. That Im gay.
Well
Well... I mean
Understandable. And Im really sorry. I really am.  hugs Jessica
Right? Rough scene.
Oh... at least we can kiss now.
You know
Yeah.
Oh yeah.
I just gotta do one thing.  leaves car
Hi. Super-duper honesty time. Im not gay. In fact
Okay.
Bye guys.
My girlfriends back and theres gonna be trouble-
...my girlfriends back!
Anyway
Hey
Nice sweater.
What happened to old salty?
Okey dokey.
Whoa. Well
I just want to thank you for jumping in and minding the store during my temporary absence.
Anyway
Obviously
Get back to normalcy.
This is what I was trying to tell you.
Okay.
You cant dock my pay-
Great. Five
Angela?
Ooh
Oh
Seriously
I got a little bit of an anger problem. Got me in some trouble a couple years ago.
Youre just saying numbers. Its meaningless.
Its literally like-
Oh
Whoa. No. Are you kidding? You were so sexy. Just the thought of you last night
Yeah. I know its not... a big deal.
You cant call a meeting.   But I would like to have a meeting in the conference room right now! So lets get in the conference room. Thank you. Good. Thank you for coming to my meeting.
Oh! Cant do it cause I gotta run a meeting. So.
Wanted to talk to all of you guys about   importance... and know that each and every one of you is vitally important.
Fine
I had a lot on my mind last night. And I didnt perform. Okay? It happens to plenty of guys. Its usually not followed by a giant workplace discussion and an interview.
Every guy in this room has been touched by this affliction. Tuna? T-dog?
Fascinating.
Okay
Yeah Jim
Dad
Oh
Stop protecting me! Im a man- I can protect myself! This is misdirected anger and Im sorry! I dont mean to lash out at you! Theres a lot coming up right now
You are not the manager. I earned that job. I was personally chosen after Robert was chosen and quit.
Why dont you take a seat
And your stupid face!   And your stupid office!   Ah!
That would actually be cool. Id love for you to meet some of the guys.
No.
Im saying no.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
I cant describe it. I just
Ah- da
I... Got... It.
Yes.
Hey!
What?
guys
Why would that be weird?
Hello! Did anyone order a blast from the past
Oh
Where do I look? Its been so long since I did one of these things? Okay
What havent I been doing? Gosh
The hero lives in this dystopian future and he flies around in a spaceship thats shaped like a treble clef. And he has to sing his heart out to destroy all evil.
Ehh
Bobby! Bobbo! Youre a rock opera guy
You gotta check out this thing Im working on
Evil!   although hes humanized in the end because he weeps uncontrolably and pees in his pants.
Me
Youre being a Thomas Oregon!
Dont need you to pay for me. Im doing just fine
Excuse me. I would like to purchase two seats at another table
then Ill take a table!
And a high five!  Raises hand
Oh
Hey... David Wallace!
Hey
No
No
Yikes!
can you believe this guy?
Not a joke. That was not even a joke.
I will! I will take all of those dogs!
No
No
Okay! Hope you all learned something!
Im so ready to love all of these animals. This ones even bonding with me already.
Stupid dog.
so it just goes on under here like this?
Ugh
I am so great!
This is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me
Youre right. hes right
Yes! And also
Yeah
Yes
Morning.
Somebody left in such a hurry this morning that she forgot... these.
You know the only thing more delicious than your feet is the feast that I am going to prepare for everyone.
Whats this?
Is this Roberts attempt to embarrass me?
Why is it when other people spend all their time at the office
Lot going on guys. Whats happening?
That was a fine branch. Things are really bad under Robert California
Uh
Sorry
Message received loud and clear. Just have to get the caramelized sugar off the pan before it dries.
I forgot
Some bizarre energy in this place today. Robert is going off the rails
Hello. Andy Bernard to see the C.E.O.
No
Seriously? ‘Cause I could just be anyone. I mean
Im a former paper executive. I know the product. I know the margins. I can save you 25% on your costs.
No. Im a rogue.
Which is the best part. That means you will be my first customer and your business will get 100% of my attention. Now...   I have written down my personal phone number. You call this anytime.
Of course they have. Which is why Im giving you a key to my house.   Whatever you need – anytime
Maybe you just want someone to talk to. Maybe... you need a place to crash for a couple of days. My wireless password is eat pray love. Easy to remember.
Yes
You once put me on a list of the losers in the office. Well
Its just business.
Whoa. Well I gave him a chance.  gets out of car
You got a minute?
I wanted to see if I could interest you in an investment. Dunder Mifflin.
Exactly. And you know better than anyone that with the right management it could be worth twice what you would pay for it today.
Hi guys.
Im- Im good
Look
Clean the toilets.
Pull the poop out of the toilets.
Just
Please!
Give me something!
Thank you.
Thank you.
I have a delicious secret.
Yeah
Mmm
This is getting more and more delicious by the minute.  gargles alcohol
Hey Nellie
But its really good-   Oh!
A delicious moment.
Well
I just want you guys not to worry. Cause old Andys gonna be just fine.
No. That is not the deal. Calibrate.
Thats not true either! Thats also total- Everyone
Huh? Hold on.
I just gonna- quick-   Hello? Hey
Im not crazy. I convinced David Wallace to give me my job back.
Okay
I- I- Okay
Stop saying my name.
Thank you
Erin
Yeah
What? Thought I heard my name. What? Im the new manager?
But its- it is- it is me? Right?
What?
Oh my God!
Wow. From janitor to manager?
Thats quite a Cinderella story. From M-O-P to M-V-P.
From total loss to total boss
I was so looking forward to that and it did not... go as I thought it would.
Guess Id better take off these dirty rags. Figure out how to be a manager of this place.
Gosh
Looks like I might get my delicious moment after all.
It would be rude of me not to let you say whatevers on your mind.
No.
Do not bring Shakespeare into this. How dare you play the bard card?
I just want one mother  delicious moment. Is that too much to ask?
If I were to hire you back. If. What do you think you would do well?
All right
Gymnasts? Youre going to seek out uneducated gymnasts?
Mm. Mm-hmm.  they hug
Hey! Wow
Whatre you still doing here?
You know I had this really funny dream during Outward Bound that you died.
See me in my office later. The new guys
In Outward Bound it was all about nicknames. They called me Iceman. You will be called Plop.
Cause youre always taking dumps.
Come on
No
Whoa! Mind blown. Its like father and son! Dwight
Dwight
David
Yeah
Mm
Then forget I just told you that.
Now I know why Michael hated you so much.
I wanted to talk to you about our working relationship this year. Its going to be terrible.
No Im going to make sure that it is. And if it isnt
Now this is called slack lining.
I set up the old slack line to teach the office the skills of focus and discipline. Or in the case of certain individuals
If you make it all the way across
Thats me. The powder is for your protection
All right
Nonsense. Get up here.
Come on. Uh
Ok
Dwight Jr? This looks like your speed.
Yeah
Focus on the horizon.   Whoa! Look at this guy.
Hey
Alright. Let me show you how a real man walks across a flaccid cord.
Ooh! Who ordered the hot apple fail?
Well its official. Old Dwight is lame and New Dwight is cool.
There are two things that I am passionate about. Recycling and revenge.
Bugh
Uh
Im not doing it for you. Im doing it for the preservation of nautical flag signaling.
Clark wants to film you in different outfits inside his apartment?
Clark
Really?
Thank god someone here knows what their talking about. I want you to take this credit card
Awesome.   Plop!
Her body. Were gonna talk about her body.   Good. Great job.
Erin has an audition to be a newscaster.
Uh-huh. And I want her to feel very comfortable in her very sexy skin. So
Yeah
Yeah.
News flash everyone. The human race finds attractive people more trustworthy.
Shes gonna be amazing. Look at her. Shes gonna light up the screen.
I love it. Its fantastic. Now
Pause after news.
No
Pause
Wha
OK. All right. Great. Some great stuff in there.
Yeah.
All right!
Nice.
Wow. You know what they say Erin. If you cant take the heat
He sure did.
Just
No
I dont think we did get it. I could do
All right.
Uh
OK.   Ill call you later.
So this is a single.
Nellie! Get your wrinkly old balls in here.
Executive-summary me. Hit the highlights.
As in...
Wow!
This is super-flattering. Shes the most popular person in America. This is a big day for both of us.
My fellow Americans
Alright! We gotta get rid of all this junk food. Get fit
There he is!
Ahhhthathathathathta. Right now I need canned tuna
Its me!   I am related to Michelle Obama.
I mean
Right?
Darryl said
Whats going on here? Im related to the first lady
Why? Is it employees day or something? I cannot keep track of these BS holidays.
Does anyone else think its possible that I come from slave owners?
Hey mom
Great. Ooo! Spreadsheets! Yum
Huh huh huh. Look
Right on
. Heyyy
So
Not my slaves
That youre learning a made-up language from HBOs Game of Thrones? I have a lot going on today...but this was a great nerd-out!
Hi guys.
Yeah. You dont have to ask me.
Ha ha! Okay. Great. Very funny. I get it. Just because my ancestors happen to be— . Very funny
Ive done a little genealogy research of my own. Turn out Im not the only one with a few skeletons in the ol family closet. For example
Kevin is related to both John Wayne Gacy and John Wayne Bobbitt.
No. Not that I see here.
You mean Dwayne? And no. What about Jim Halpert? Uh oh! Turns out
Dwights grandfather was a— .
I was gonna say he was a tax evader.
And Meredith is a blood relative of Lizzie Borden.
No
Mightve done. And how... do you figure?
You know
We merely transported them. Which at worst
Yo
Exactly. Help me po mouth
What if I said that my dad beat me. And
You now
Okay.
I like that guy. We should hook him up with Meredith.
Alright everybody
Andy Bernard presents: Summer Softball Epic Fails!  Kevin swings bat on screen
Fail.
A blooper reel? What is this
Do do do do do do do.
Cant take the fail? Get out of the fail video!
Id like to take a solemn moment to remember Jerry in the warehouse who passed away this year.  Screen flashes FAIL over Jerrys face
Well
Oh that wasnt...that didnt work. That was not the right..
That was not a fail.
That was actually a serious accident that could have resulted in severe bodily harm.   Youre all failing right now.   Congratulations on your epic fail of the use of the word fail!
Um
I was just asking a question
Fine. I will give you one minute.
You have one minute and your minute has begun and no time will be added at the end
A baby what? A human?!
Oh.
Oh
And I happen to notice youre down to about thirty seconds here.
And those sand grains are tumbling..
With fury...
Down the sides..
Of the hourglass..
Times up!
Sure. Ill read her letter. And if she tells the truth about how evil and unfit to be a mother she is
Ladies and gentlemen
Whoa!
Yo. Dudeces.
Alright! The fat people have spoken! Dwight
Dunder Mifflin road trip twenty twelve!   Ah OK
Banana cream is the first to go. Well be lucky to get pumpkin at this point!
Who is it?
Yeah. Perfect time. Im right in the middle of a rooftop crisis.   Fine
Its inaccurate
Heres the thing
British women. Famously overemotional. Am I right?
What?
I changed my mind.
Yeah. Not as is
My name is Andy!
I dont do drugs!
Now check the style!
Of Flatt & Scruggs!
A jitterbug.   You guys look great! Just a reminder. The party is right after lunch
Not a question.
Excellent. That reminds me
Oh
Aaah!   So good!
My Cornell a capella group.
Yah! ah. Okay. Ha ha ha ha. But you have no idea how lucky you are because HCT is doing a set at our halloween party.
Atta boy Clark!
No. Nope. Nope nope nope. Stay away.
You know what I just realized? They might actually call me up to solo on George Michaels Faith. That was one of my signature songs. Oh
Ruh duh duh da dudes! Whats up?
I know that its pathetic to re-live your college years
You didnt come here to sit in a room
No
You dont have any-- Any questions about the old days?   You at least want to know why they call me Boner Champ?
Im sorry
Broccoli Rob was Broccoli Rob. Andy Bernard is the Boner Champ.
I was just talking to some of the actives
Did you maybe tell them that or...?
Could you just call them and tell them the truth? Cause I know its really stupid
Love you too.
Yo! Bad boys of a capella.
Heard any good stories lately? Or new twists on old stories?
Did he tell you how I got the name?
Spring sing ‘95. Got completely ripped on Bud Dries. I had s*x with a snowman. I just went at that thing. Cold would have stopped most people but I stayed locked in
They didnt know about the snowman story
Right?
Ladies and gentlemen
Oh Man!
No. Do not sing that. Do not... Oh man...
Whoa! Whoa! What the hell is Broccoli Rob doing here?
Thats my signature song.
Russell
Wha...?
Shut up
You thought I wanted to sit in the audience like some slutty Treb rat? A mans signature solo is his for life
Just dont do the song anymore.
Fine
I knew you would go there
OK
Doesnt mean youre the best singer ever. Dick.
This is all so silly right? What am I gonna do? Move back to Cornell?
I mean
Duh. I know. That would be insane.
It could totally work though. I dont know why we wouldnt. Oh my god are we doing this?
If I am not Boner Champ
Make a donation.
Yes. I am gonna make a donation. And it just so happens that I know someone who works at the Bernard Family Foundation. Her name is mom.
Mom
My parents are broke.
Alright
White
Are the Nards hurting? Yeah
Yeah. Hes in rehab actually.
No
Were done Meredith.
Alright
Totally
Alright
Guys
Alright
Yes the boat means everything to my family
Uh
Ok.   thanks.
Look
All I ever wanted to do was sail the damn thing. But dad wouldnt let me. Said You cant be a skipper until youre a man. You know
Tonight.
Yeah right. Its in Stamford
Yeah
Seriously?
Alright.
Lets do it.
Thats the family boat!
Right?
Sorry?
Sure
Ok.
Geez
It raises the main sail. That was my job when we went sailing.
Really?
Up she goes!
Oh
You got it. You know what then
You know what? Chill
Ok
Yeah
Good stuff. Nice stuff.  begins raising sail again when guy leaves
Ive had a thousand picnics on this boat. The point was for me to sail it.
Fine. But I could have.
I am the captain.
Right?
Im the captain.   Hey
Im taking it over from here.
Yeah
Fine. Good. Keep it. Just leave the supplies
Yeah. Yeah I know how to hoist the mail sail
I thought you were in rehab.
I didnt. I
Same thing.   Come on. I need a crew. You should be my crew. Three weeks
Alright guys
Good? Come on. Above and beyond. Worlds Greatest. You did this! Dammit Im happy!
Ill see you in three weeks!
No way!
Erin I gotta go!  Thems my chords!
Ah
That Swayze sure can dance dirty.
No
Check this out. Keeps my hair out of my stare
What else can I show you? Oh
Yeah
Ah! Thats not good. I better sign off. I hate to get going. I mean these skype sessions are
I will leave you with this. The image of a man and his boat. Burn this into your brains.
No. No! Nooo!
in his office doorway
Well
I guess I can cancel my order from Zappos.com because
Hey! Sweetheart!   I have missed you so much.
I have been dreaming of this moment.
Well
Obviously
I have no idea. I dont know what he knows or doesnt know. But weve been in touch the whole time. I mean
Question. Wheres Jim?
For two hours? Really?
If the shoe fits.  plays güiro and sings
I noticed that you landed the Scranton White Pages account. That is tremendous.
And you sold it to Jan too.
I mean... Im impressed.
Well
I was...
That...
OK. The issue is that you need to run this stuff by me. Coolio? Are we coolio?   Just say the word coolio.
Say it.
Coolio.
Just gonna call the Scranton White Pages and clear this right up.
Hey
I was just looking over the paperwork. I found a little hiccup.
Yeah. It appears my employee offered you a price that he was not authorized to.
No. No
It
Jan
Well
Aw! That was not how I had hoped that would go.
Hey
All right. Thank you very much.   Looking good.   Whos that little fella?
Wow
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh...   Uh-huh.   Thank you. Great. Well
appears approaching group
I need you guys to tell me all the highlights from the last three months in case David asks. Just a few things I could sprinkle into conversation. Any big sales or office gossip.
Not helpful. Lets stay positive
Hey! David! How are ya? Ah
Thank you.
Great!
We had to let a warehouse guy go?!
What?!
There was a fire in the warehouse?
This is what Im talking about! This would be good to know. All right
What?!
No kidding?
Wow. Go Kathy. Shes like 50.
Good
Who knew the balloon game would be so lucrative? And thank god
The warehouse fire. Werent you just down there? Its like burnt to ashes.
I am speaking metaphorically
I think youll agree I explained that pretty well.
Thank you.
Yeah
Yeah
What?
OK
On your side. But theres tons on my side. Its gushing. Were just out of sync right now. But thats just timing
I mean
Im gonna be a prune in like
I know you may not be feeling love for me right now but
Yes.   Come on. Totally.
I resent that. I
And all was good in Scranton PA that day.
Oscar says hi all the time. He says all kinds of greetings. Hi Hello Hola Youre telling me youve never heard Oscar say hi?
But youre calling me a liar.
By the way
Oh
This has been a really tough time.
Yeah.
Erin just dumped me and I cant remember any of the aha moments I had on the boat
It was like a security blan-
-ket
Youre not?
Thats awesome.
David
Crystal.
Vanilla.   Vanilla Ice. It was a band.
Good morning.
And how are you on this fine-  chokes up
Ok
Ahhh! Oooooh! ahh
Where are you going?
Wha? Oh
Im still the boss!
The answer is yes.
Are they from you?
Well then
Nope
I dont want to talk about work right now.
Then I want my big blue sweater back.
She got rid of it. My blue sweater. What is that about?
Stay! We are in the bro-zone layer. Ok? Nard dog
Survey says: ENH! Doesnt make me feel better at all. Zero Clark Thirty
Last night I ordered a pizza by myself and I ate it over the sink like a rat.
No.
May not seem like it
Why doesnt Erin seem sad? Has she found someone new or something? And if so
Im not snooping
Uh
Everyone please
Oh my god.
Darryl
Too late. I found out shes been texting a guy named Pete. Does anybody know a Pete?
Come on in. Have a seat. Uh
I knew it!
You and Erin are fuhhhhhhherraaaaa!
No overlap? Great. Good. Wow. This is suddenly so easy. Guess what? Youre fired!
Yeah. You. Are. Fired! One of the perks of being boss. I can fire anyone who steals my girlfriend. And wow
..The camera dont lie!
Youre being an idiot get..
Out of my office
Because you suck.
And youre fired...
So you had a bad day...
Rut ti doh doh...
Rut tit doh doh...
Rut ti doh doo doh
No.
Nellie was a professional grudge. This is a purely personal grudge.
They already have a contract?   Mutually agree to- Ah
Well
Ok
Thank you! Thanks
Ugh.
That doesnt matter. Ok? What matters is that I am hurt! Deep hurt inside of me. I dont care if theyre Romeo and freaking Juliet! I feel like the guy that Juliet dated before Romeo. Probably her boss. And guess what? Juliets boss also had feelings.
What?!
Sorry.
My whole life is a booger bubble!
Kinda painful to chat with you Pete. Ever since the old one-two punch to my scrotum pole. Translation: pen1s. Translation? My manhood.
Great advice. Thank you
Awesome perspective. Thanks for butting in.
Yeah
Hi.
Hi
Wow this sure is intense. Having to share a workspace with someone you used to get it on with?
Awkward.
Really uncomfortable situation.
Its alright Pete
Hey
Thank you all for coming in. Just wanted to check in. How is everyones day?
Really? Hmm. Thats interesting. Because Erin and Pete thought it wouldnt be weird at all. Why do you think it was weird
And Alice
Well get to that. Gabe
Alright
Wow
exits office
Last night? Oh
Im not
Yeah. I didnt see you last night at all.
What?
Whoa
Well there you go. Thats muy caliente.
Excuse me
You can have this back at the end of the day.  cut to Andy listening to the iPod and looking aroused
Guys
Of course there are!
People
Oh! Seven new comments. The guy at 0:19 is hawt!   Hi Bongripper
Hey! TexasPoonTappa and JasonJasonJason and all the rest of you haters out there! Check this out.  plays banjo
Huh? Yeah
Red alert! Red alert! The reviews are in! I repeat
I just got a text from my brother. Scranton Times Tribune.com. Theres a review of the documentary!
I dont know
I think we should.
Its okay.   The hell does he know?
I want you to print that out for me.
Now that this documentary is coming out
Hello
Yeah
I hate people! Why do they never do what you need them to do? Stanley has to go. Thats final.
Yes! Im sorry Im being curt
Directory? Movie Star department. Back. Directory.
Huh
Yeah
Come on!
Carla Fern is not just an actors agent. She does writers
Actor?
Yeah
Does anything go on top of the mouse?
Aw
Whats the mouses name?
Well
At the risk of sounding arrogant
My exact age is 28 to 34
: Yes. And yes.
Whereas that is not why I have entered show business
Well
You are? Yes! Yes. Are you being for real right now? Oh
Most talent agents take 10% of whatever jobs they get you
It doesnt include headshots.
Well
Be careful of that beaker
Well Im just trying to bring some life to it.
Last week I got an agent and uh
Go away
Oh yeah. Alright
Yeah
And remember: Do not attempt to extinguish a chemical fire with water. You will only exacerbate the flame. The dangerous flame.
W-w-w-wait. Stop stop stop. Dont go anywhere. I just need to find more colors. Lets do it six more times.
Heads up everyone. If you really need something from me today
Yeah.
Who is Carla Fern? Well
Little raw. Not cool Oscar.
Not cool.
No. Hes- I mean
Thats the cleaky clacker! He clicks that and then the guy says action.
I guess its starting. Um
Got it.  lowers head to show hair
Sorry.
This video is to demonstrate the HPRDC chemical handling protocols. These protocols could save you from severe injury
Just made a character choice to be a scientist who really likes what he does and enjoys his job.
So how do you want
This video is to demonstrate the HPRDC chemical handling protocols.
Its Tom Brokaw
Tom Brokaw!
Which is insanely painful.
And Ive already picked a few childhood memories to tap in to
So I just lean over this thing and then youll add the water special effect later?
Im not comfortable doing my own stunts. Ill get nude if you want me to
Darryl
They want me to use real water in the eye wash scene.
I cant squirt stuff in my eyeball. Ive never even used an eye dropper.
Carla! Carla!
She yelled at me. I cant wash my eyeball. I cant do that. I cant.
Do you believe in me?
AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH!!
I can do a better one.
I said I can do a better one. Darryl...
AHH! AHH! AHH!
Yeah! Yeah.
Hey. Which tie makes me look like a guy who likes sofas? My agents putting me up for a furniture commercial.
Totally
Thin-sliced tuna. Carpaccio. Go on.
Tell me about it
David Walrus
Yeah.
Im gonna stop you right there. David
Every minute that I spend here is time not spent making audition videos for reality dating
At my last head shot sitting
Well
Thank you
Nope. I have made up my mind. Im really sorry.
Thank you. Not gonna need it.
Everyone
I wasnt fired. What are you talking about? Im fired up
Yeah
Im 38
All right. I get it.
The male is a funny species. We dont just tell each other how we feel
Im gonna miss you too. Mmm!
Its now or never.
Yeah
Well
Nah. I like my plan better.
What?
Well
Big day for you.
Love the belt.
You know
Thank you
No
Nothing is impossible to him who will try.   Alexander the Great
Im gonna make it. Every person that has been on Conan has a crazy story about how they made it. Every person.
Erin. Honest Erin
Will you tell me bluntly
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hey
Okay.
Death of a salesman.
Sure
Got any hot leads?
Brava
How did I just abandon my dreams so quickly? Its cause I had a fallback. Thats the problem. When you have fallbacks
Everyone! Changed my mind again.
Uh
All in! Whoo!
Toby! Hey
Yeah
Seriously?
Come on
All right
God
This is your—you brought this on.
Okay
David. I lost the Scranton White Pages account. Do you have any idea how much paper that is? And Id just like to point out
What if I told you that I hate you and I hate this company?
Just stop forgiving me
Eleanor Roosevelt once said ‘the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.   I think shes right.   I feel calm now.   I feel
Yeah.
Uh
Wow. Angela. What we had was great
But I just—its in the past. And I feel like we shouldnt...
Rehash—
Exactly.
Thanks
A-bridge
Tuna
Hello
Yes!
Well
This is really huge. This is like the March on Washington but for a singing show. Can you imagine if Martin Luther King were here? And sang I Dreamed a Dream from Les Mis? With that baritone? That would be historic.
No!
No
Casey Dean!
Yeah.
Andy. Whats yours?
Hmm? Um
A cappella is all about pitch
Theres a mole?
What mole? What are you talking about? I already forgot about it.
Yeah! Pour some Sugar Ray on me!
I dont know where it came from.
Yeah. Yeah
I did
Great
What?
Is this a show about the resiliency of the human spirit? Or is it a show about singing?
Me too. Hold my place in line.
They want feel-good stories? Wait until they get a good feel of me.
Hey
No
No
Oh
Yeah
Whoa
Whoa
I am going in there! Dont—
Dont—dont—
Dont touch me.
Hi. Youre still here. Oh
Sweetheart
Busted. Yes
Nope! Cant end like this. Slept in my car last night
Thats—thats what—yeah. Okay
Are you insane? Its the Cornell fight song.
You didnt let me finish. Thats not fair.
Wow
Hey
Oh I can so just sit here and cry!
One more for the doc.
Oh. Eh
Yeah
Oh
Two million hits in the first week and then the parodies started. One from the Philippines got 12 million hits. And the late night comedy guys had a field day with it.
After my clip blew up
Hey-OH!
Yeah.
Thank you. Yeah
Hey! Aw! A bear hug from my favorite mama grizzly.
A little warm.
Okay. Aw. Thank you Phyllis.
Hey!
Didnt I just see you at the airport jumping in a limo?
Hmm.
No I didnt change the number. All good though. Phone never rings.
Surprise!
Hey! Pam!
Mm-hmm.
Aw!
Jim
Yeah
Thats how I got my new job in the admissions office.
No. Its a job. Things are going great.
Yes.
Im sorry guys. This is probably on me. I got hated on pretty hard when that auto-tune went viral.
Ill go talk to the manager. Maybe we should just go home.
Ree-De-De-De-Doo!
Its only 6:00. Come on
Youre probably sitting there wondering what will be your mark. What will you be known for? It might surprise you to learn...
You might feel sorry for me but I actually feel sorry for you. Because youre about to leave Cornell. So say it with me:  : Oh
Thanks Dad...Darryl.
I spent so much of my time here at Dunder Mifflin thinking about my old pals
