Shall I play for you? Pa rum pump um pum   I have no gifts for you. Pa rum pump um pum
Whassup!
Whassup.
What?
Just clearing my desk. I cant concentrate.
Its overlapping. Its all spilling over the edge. One word
You cant do that.
Safety violation. I could fall and pierce an organ.
Downsizing?
Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say
Im Assistant Regional Manager. I should know first.
OK
Please
OK. You tell em. With my permission. Permission granted.
Go ahead.
On his mothers grave.
Pam
Dwight Schrute
Uh... yeah I got a 78 280Z. Bought it for $1
New engine
Damn it! Jim!
He put my stuff in Jell-O again.
Thats real professional thanks. Thats the third time and it wasnt funny the first two times either Jim.
Its OK here
That is my stapler.
OK you know what
Its always you. Are you going to discipline him or not?
Yeah.
OK
Yes I do. I should have done it weeks ago actually.
Retaliation. Tit for tit.
Well
I have two. White and Indian.
A few of the ground rules?
OK
Im sorry. Its an orientation. Its not a race. Plus a lot of other races are intolerant of gays
I figured it would save time.
Excuse me
A hero kills people
A hero is part-human and part-supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma
We all have a hero in our heart.
Lots of cultures eat rice
Um... Shalom. Id like to apply for a loan.
OK
Outback steakhouse.   Im Australian
Oh
Yes. I can do it. Im your man.
OK
OK
Yes
OK
Thank you.
What did I do? I did my job. I slashed benefits to the bone. I saved this company money. Was I too harsh? Maybe. I dont believe in coddling people.
In the wild
Uh
Same thing.
Just knock
Oh gee
Yes. And my decision in final.
Aww
Sure.
Dont need it. Never been sick. Perfect immune system.
I dont need them. Superior genes. Im a Schrute. And superior brain power. Through concentration
So I can lower it.
Its a great plan. It saves the company a fortune.
Yeah
I can handle that.
OK
OK
Damnit! Damnit Jim!
All right
Uh
Uh
You did this
Yes you did.
I know it was you. Fine. You know what? Ill have to interview each and every one of you until the perpetrator makes him or herself known. And until that time
The problem
Why did you write that down Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
I think you need to confess...
...the fact...
What are you doing? Those are my keys.
Jim! Damnit! No! Jim! Let me out! Jim! Let...  Without looking
Let me out.
Let me out or youre fired.
Yes I can. Im manager for the day. Clean out your desk.
Jim! Open the door!
Jim!
Jim!
Jim!
Jim!
Uh
Hi. Dwight Schrute calling
Dwight Schrute.
Well...
He is not here right now. He put me in charge of the office.
Thats not entirely true
Yeah.
Call you immediately. Good. Oh
Oh
Michael. Michael?
I tried being rational
Im now going to read out loud your submitted medical conditions. When you hear yours read
You know what? You have forfeited that privilege. I have tried to treat you all as adults
I thought your v*g1n* was removed during your hysterectomy?
OK
Yeah
I most certainly did not.
Oh
Michael!?
I wanted to talk to you about the downsizing?
I
Yeah
Bottom line. Do I need to be worried?
Its a real shame
I didnt do it. What do you mean? Oh
Hey
Do you want to form
Good
Did you get your tickets?
The gun show.
Theres one other thing and this is important. Lets keep this alliance totally a secret. Dont tell anyone.
Jim! Hey. Hi
Did you tell Pam about the alliance?
Just now.
Right
Mmm hmm.
Done.
They seem awfully chummy
Only one way to find out.
What? I believe it.
I could tell
Good
Oh
Damn it. God!
God... Damn it! Why us?
Jackpot.
Hey
I dont think shed be missed.
Name
She had a hysterectomy.
Thats where they remove the uterus.
It could be kind of funny.
Oh my God
No no
I know. I know exactly what to do.
Im a deer hunter. I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer
This is going to be perfect
So tape it down.
Look
No
Can I trust Jim? I dont know. Do I have a choice? No
Oh.
I have absolutely no idea.
Do I feel bad about betraying Jim? Not at all. Thats the game. Convince him were in an alliance
Thats politics baby. Get what you can out of someone
Michael!
Michael
Oh
I apologized for that.
Michael
I can handle that.
And thats why you have an assistant regional manager.
Same thing.
Its close.
So we need someone to work this Saturday and I think that
Gimli.
Just trying to be helpful.
Michael
Yes!
Can I be team captain?
Can I be team manager?
Assistant team manager?
OK
OK
What? Shirts on or off?
You sure?
De-fense!  clap
Yeah!   In your face!
Yes!
Here
s*x.
Torture.
Cocks in the henhouse.
So am I.
Doesnt matter.
The purse girl hits everything on my checklist. Creamy skin. Straight teeth. Curly hair. Amazing breasts. Not for me
Hmmm... shes been talking to Michael a lot.
Assistant to the Regional Manager.
Thats true.
True. Plus I can talk to her about the origins of my last name.
Whats that?
I dont want a purse. Purses are for girls.
No.
Like those?
Okay
Its actually better this way.
Michael could I ask you something? I wanted to ask your permission to ask out Katy. I know its against the rules and everything. Because...
Thank you
What?
Is that all it is? Just a ride home? Like a taxicab?
Please. Please
You cannot promise me
Do you love her?
Hey
It will just take a second.
Just for a minute.
Please? I wanted to talk to you in private because I wanted to ask you out on a date.
Ok was that no to talking to me in private
Mine are at home in a display case above my bed.
So
So who are we laughing at?
Who? Dave Barry?
What is it? Who wrote it?
That is defacement of company property. So you better tell me. Kelly
No
...no
No
What were you doing in there?
I am not.
Excuse me
We are going to have two mens rooms.
Be prepared to hold folks   From 9 am to...
Nnnnno
...for peoples behavior.
And its-
Yes!
Best Dundies ever.
Welcome to the eighth annual Dundies awards.
Before we get started
The waitress tripped on the cord.
Really? We dont have any girls from HR.
Yeah?
Yeah!
Like an AIDS test?
Quick
Dont get into that now. We need something to cushion her head. Throw pillow? A cush-
Its okay
Ahh! I cant-
Watch your step.
Thanks
So the monkey does the s*x thing right here!
Do you want the link because then you could forward it around?
Consider it?
Yes!
Yeah
Yes.
Hey
You said that we could come to you if we had any questions.
Where is the clitoris? On a website
Good. Good. And...
Okay.
Diversifying. Smart.
And it worked. They should bring the stocks back. Peopled obey the law
You should go.
Uh huh.
You have your lawyer there?
Can I be your representative?
I think I should be there.
Im good. I can make sure things are up to code.
Please
So youre taking a personal day?
Please
Yes! As your representative?
Same thing.
I have been Michaels #2 guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. Were like one of those classic famous teams. Hes like Mozart
What kind of shocks you got on this baby?
I want to put the top down.
But then no one can see us.
Check it out.   Terminator.
Which ones yours?
This is smaller than your old place.
Actually
Actually
Lets go check out the master bedroom.
Oh. Terrible idea.
No
Warrantees dont cover it
Shh Shh.
Listen.   Can you hear that? Oh man. These babies are thin.
What kind of mortgage did you get?
Ho
Wow
Forget about retiring when youre 65. Hey
Well
Hey
Well be here waiting for you.
A thirty year mortgage at Michaels age essentially means that hes buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin
Totally having fun. Can you imagine those poor saps stuck at the office today?
You didnt have to...
I dont even know what to say.
Question. Where can I put my terrarium?
Its a fish tank for snakes and lizards.
Question. My grandparents left me a large number of armoires.
Question. What about carpooling
Question. Can sometimes I drive your car and you drive mine?
Just for fun?
Question. Who is the primary on the fire insurance?
Thank god. It was nice of him to offer
You know you can always refinance your mortgage. We had a 15 year on our beet farm. We paid it off early.
People love beets.
Everybody loves beets.
Lets get this roof going.
Ow.
What is going on?
Thats my stopwatch.
Silver medal.
Michaels in there right now evaluating the temp. He hasnt evaluated me in years.
Michael and I have a very special connection. Hes like Batman
People!
This is not a test! Move to the exits!
Head towards the exits.
Get up off your desks!
No
This is not at drill!
Please
This whole place is a tinder box
This is not a test! Can you leave?!
DO YOU WANT TO DIE?
Do you want to die? OUT!!
STANLEY! Have you ever seen a burn victim?
Move to the exits!
Weve got smoke! Weve got smoke! Smoke! Gah!   Oh
Cover your nose and mouth. Breathe through your nose.
Breathe through your nose. Remove your stockings. Okay? Theyll melt right into your flesh! Stay below the smoke line. Lets go! Clear out
Okay
Hey
NO!
Okay
Oh
Thats funny
Hey guys
Okay. Great
Then I would bring an axe
Fine. Physicians Desk Reference.
...hollowed out
Is this your car
Good shocks.
Do it.
Keep an existing...
Yeah
Self taught. You didnt even go to college.
Come on. Im studying with the master
You should learn from him
Right?
Stupid!
The Crow.
Why didnt I go to business school?
The temp.
Yeah
He doesnt even know that I do that.
Oh yeah
Im sorry I said that
Oh Jim
Thanks you guys. I just need some alone time.
Would that make you happy?
If you had your cell phone
Im on it.

Everyone
Thats exactly what I said.
Were you absent?
You failed?
I have a song. Attention
Everybody!
... Marilyn Monroe!
Eat it! You gotta eat it. You have to eat it!
Answer me this
Was it worth it? Was it worth it temp?
Really?
The fire guy! The fire guy!
Joe McCarthy
What is that?! What are you supposed to be?
Yeah
I am a Sith Lord.   Oh big deal. Three round pieces of paper taped to a shirt. This cost me 129 dollars.
Wait
Jim. Definitely.
Phyllis.
Stanley. Pam. Oscar. Meredith. Kevin. Angela.
One of the warehouse guys.
Who is he saying?
No
No
Not Dwight.
I know thats what he said.
Tell him
Tell him to stop.
Quiet
Make him be quiet.
Stanley
As Assistant Regional Manager...
Look! Ive got some bad news. Youre fired. You need to pack up your things and go.   Im serious
He wouldnt listen to me
If you want to fire him
Cumberland Mills?! And how did you get my resume? Oh no
Would I ever leave this company? Look
So you got the fax? So why didnt you add it to the res... ? What do you mean? Of course martial arts training is relevant. Oh
This is called leveraging an offer.   Michael
I just thought you should know that I was just offered a job with better pay
And I turned it down.
Out of loyalty to this company...
... so I was hoping to be made Assistant Regional Manager officially.
But then you wouldnt have me here.
Its in Maryland.
I cant. I... I suppose I coul... no. They never really made me an offer anyway.
Where is my desk?
This is not funny. This is totally unprofessional.
I didnt lose my desk.
Okay
Ok
In bathroom
Jim
Its by the ream?
...now
Wash your hands
Sensei
Dwight...
Yes
No
I am now Sempai
Assistant Sensei.
I am a practitioner of Goju Ru Karate
Impossible. The way theyre programmed... Youre mocking me.
Look
Ok
No. That is not a toy.
Please?
Arigatou. This is not a toy. This is a message to the entire office so they can see that I am capable of physically dominating them.
No women or children
Warehouse guy. Doesnt count.
Because were friends.
Argggg!
What belt are they?
No!
Michael
Ok
Kiyah!
Did I want to harm Michael? The one man Ive been hired to protect? No
I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran. Killed 20 men then spent the rest of the war in an Allied Prison Camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.
to Kevin
Good.
Now watch
I didnt sucker punch you
In case you remember
Ok
No
Yeah.
No
Ive got the key.
Yes
Hiii!
Yes!
Eat it!
Two more.
No.
It was my pants.
No holding.
No
No
I need to change my emergency contact information from Michael Scott.
Just put The Hospital. Contact number : just put 9-1-1.
Im busy.
Of course.
Michael
I can handle it. I can. Wow. So I guess this will just be my office.
Ill have Pam send out a memo.
Just a formality.
Michael
Thank you
Good luck
Ok
You took something that doesnt belong to you.
Brought it in here-
Made copies of it-
Not now!
Ok
Not in a thousand years
Yes
If it isnt my old partner
Thank you for noticing. Now keep me company for one more mission.
Pow! Pow! Pow!
Yes
Samuel
D-W-I-G-H-T.
Ok
Uh
Michael? Michael?   Michael?   His cars not in the parking lot. I should check the accident reports.   Whos this? Jan?
Did you do her?
Jan Levinson-Gould.
Did you do her?
And she is your boss.
You should get one of these.
Do you even know what this is? It is a fitness orb and it has completely changed my life. Forget everything you thought you knew about ab workouts.
This ab workout is specifically designed to strengthen your core.   Sorry.
Numerous health benefits
Plus
Its only twenty-five bucks.
Oh
Tell Michael that we should be stocking more of the double-tabbed manila file folders.
Oh
Yeah
Uh
Ugh
Uh
Saturday.
Who? Who was it? Who did he fire?
No
What should we do to prepare for Y2K?
It happens occasionally.
Tom?
Next suggestion.
You need to do something about your B.O.
You need-
To do something about-
Yeah
Next suggestion.
Dont sleep with your boss? Do you think this is referring to you boning Jan?
You are giving me this raise! I deserve this raise!   Yes!   Yes! Yes! Hiya! The least you can do is keep my salary consistent with inflation! Keeya eyah! Yes! Why are you gonna give me this raise? Why? Because... Im awesome! I am awesome!
Michael?
Im sorry
Great.
I am ready for my performance review.
Uh
That is an excellent question. Thank you for asking. Let me bring up one word : dedication.   I have never been late. Also
I have a copy of your key.
Id also further like to talk about my merits in the workplace.
For instance
You liked it!
Jan
Its a delicacy. And you know what? Its an aphrodisiac. So when were done here
And in conclusion
Smallville. And that is why
Im here! Im here! Im here! Its ok!
Mi-
Sorry.
Ok
You have to tell me.
Look
Yeah
Or get hit by a car-
Or a bus or a train. Get poisoned
So its true? You have access to our e-mails?
Oh hey
Good.
Nice.
Does he have access to their medical records?
I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer sheriff
Question : on the Internet there are several different options to get to your house for the party tonight-
I was wondering-
Why?
Like who? Who doesnt know?
Why just Michael?
Is it?
Oh
I wont.
Battlestar Galatica.
I cant-
Tonight.
Unfortunately
Clarinet.
Have fun tonight! Whatever it is that youre doing
Jim! You really think this is a good idea
You dont work with us.
Thanks. Yeah
When is the guest of honor coming?
Hes gonna love it!
Surprise!   Everybody!
Go. Get the door.
Go. Push!
Push!
Really shove it.
Shove it through! Break it!
I got a splinter.
Ive got it leveraged. Push. Straight up.
One
You guys should use a hand truck.
No.
Michael
Okay
Gather round. Secret Santa
I want to do it.
Hey
First present
Okay. Okay. Thats enough. Lets keep it moving on. Jim.
Pam.
All right
Michael.
We dont do anything until Michael gives us further instructions.
Yes
Angela
Okay
Its already been stolen this round. Pick something else.
You and me
I never said it was better than an iPod.
Michael keeps bragging about his iPod
Take that
Pam
Yes! There you go. I want the teapot. Gracias.
Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets ... Christmas.
No trades.
A real man makes his own luck. Billy Zane. Titanic.
No. I want it. Im going to use it.
True. But I get sinus infections
.. and pouring it directly into your nose
This is so awesome.
Thank you.
Oh
You shouldnt do things like that. The man is supposed to do that.
Yes.
Hello. Jim?
This is not funny. Why is my stuff in here?
Yeah
Yeah
No
Uh
Okay
But I dont have any...
Five
Good morning
Aye aye
Cool.
Limbo
Me! Me
Im stronger.
I was the youngest pilot in Pan Am history. When I was four
What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?
I cant. Do you want us to run aground
Wow. You should be the motivational speaker.
Yeah. He gives me real responsibility
Seasick? Captain Jack says you should look at the Moon.
Dont worry
silence
Im coming Michael!
Im gonna save you!
Hold on Michael! I am coming! Wait there!
Your foot?
It slipped.
Sorry.
Hey
What?
No
What is wrong with you?
Aw
Yeah
Oh
Yeah
Why would they all be...? Ok
These covers are totally indestructible.
Yeah. Throw it. I promise it wont break. Chuck it.
Oh no
No
Yep.
Huh. Do you like candy?
Cause youre sweeter than candy.
Dad?
Uh
I want Michael to take me...
Choo choo choo choo choo choo...
Vietnam sounds.
Tired...
Want to take a rake... .
Ahh!
Ok
Youre the best.
It smells like chicken soup.
I have to go to the hospital.
Where we going?
Ill be back
Why?
Aw

Oh
Where are we going?
Where are we going?
I found it under the seat.
Im thirsty.
No!
Im thirsty!
No.
You cant fire me
No.
Mmmmm...
My eyes!
My eyes!
Danger.
Hi Michael!
Ahhh. Mweehaa
What is that?
Thats what she said.
I dont want to do this.
Oh.
Whats up-dog?
Good. How are you doing?
Empty mind.
Meredith
Thats unacceptable.
Michael.
Oscar is out sick.
Can I do some of the talking?
Ok
And Dwight.
Ask him his symptoms. Im on Web M.D.
Checks out.
Ok. First impressions?
Which is exactly how youd wanna sound like if you wanted someone to think you were sick.
Question? May I investigate?
Listen Temp. I am conducting a little investigation so Im no longer going to be able to head up spring cleaning. Do you think you can handle it?
Do you think? Or do you know?
Oh God
Hey Oscar how ya doin? Dwight Schrute calling. Listen a little question for you
There are several different ways to tell if a perp is lying. The liar will avoid direct eye contact. The liar will cover part of his or her face with his hands
Ok
Oh
Ok. So what is the secret Michael?
Is that true?
Thank you Michael. I know your telling the truth.
I can tell. I wont let you down.
Who took all the black ones?
So
Sniffling how?
Three.
Ok
Quick Oscar update. I have conducted interviews with everyone in the office.
Including prep time?
As a volunteer Sheriffs Deputy I have been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me. So I tailed her for six straight nights. Turns out she was
Stay low... This is it... There he is. Hes been gone for at least two hours. Who is that? Come to Papa... Oh yes. Lets roll. I knew it! You are so busted. Ice skates
This is Dwight Schrute. Who is this?
How bout this. I dont tell Michael and in exchange you owe me one great big giant favor. Redeemable by me at a time and place of my choosing.
Guess what I found out about Oscar tonight? He was lying about being sick. Should I have reported Oscars malfeasance. Hmm
Its still stinky.
She probably scrubbed it into the fibers of the carpet. Total permeation.
Ha ha ha... the old bullpen.
Okay.
Yeah!
Mm.
No way!
And who had your office?
That guy Miles who quit to form his own company?
No!
I thought he was out on the road.
Ah.
Michael.
What?
Yeah!
Should we help em pick up their stuff?
Okay.
Hello
Jethro Tull...
I need to make a sales call. Please?
on phone
Yeah!
It is so on!
Michael is gonna wipe the floor with us!
But youre the one who picked today.
Its a terrible idea.
Them in there all together. If they stay in there too long theyre going to get on the same cycle. Wreak havoc on our plumbing.
Yeah!
We could do it in the warehouse.
Remember on Lost when they met the Others?
Okay. Lets go. Step up.
Michael wants us to bond so we need topics for conversation.
No.
No.
Yeah and then they make you drive them to Church the next morning. Like Gas aint free!
Not literally.
Word.
And you want me to come with you.
I will stay here and run things on this end.
Question. Will you be seeing Jan when youre in New York?
Well... Its Valentines Day
Screwed.
Whats this? What is this?
Yeah
Happy Valentines Day.   Its me. Im the bobble head. Yes!   Ahh!
Hello Angela. Did you hear
Oh I did. I did.
Oh
Pam. Hi
No
Girlfriend. Yes
(smirking) Exactly.
You mean
Ok
Ok
Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf
They are either going to say yes... or no.
Think it through.
Fumble! Yaaah!
Hut! Hut! Hut! Hike!
Ryan.
Ooh. Theyre having a sale on TiVo. Maybe I should get a TiVo. Oh. DVD Burner! Maybe I should get one of those. You are so lucky
Oh
Ha! I dont get it.
Well
What if I give a really long
When I was in the sixth grade
I cant do this.
Oh
Okay
Ill try and think of one. When...
Is that an insult or is that part of the public speaking advice?
Saleswoman has a v*g1n*.
But Im right?
Hey. Do you remember the speeches that you gave?
Could I have a copy of one of them?
Yeah!
That is so great about the bonus!
Excuse me! May I have your attention please? There has been an accident on 84 West. Cars have skidded off the road into the safety railing. Several cars have flipped. There is broken glass everywhere. Several people are injured.
Brad Pitt. Also there will be no bonuses.
They are unrelated.
He will never act again. Also
Yes.
Good morning
Uh
Michael
I can travel anywhere except Cuba. And I will travel to New Zealand. And walk the Lord of the Rings trail to Mordor. And then I will hike Mount Doom. So... no... just leave me alone.
Oh please! Youre not taking any trip.
You did?
Yes. I am.
Which is?
Ill glance at it.
Thank you
No
Blood alone moves the wheels of history! Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation
WE ARE WARRIORS!
Salesman of Northeastern Pennsylvania
Yeah. Yes!
No revolution is worth anything unless it can defend itself.
Some people will tell you salesman is a bad word. Theyll conjure up images of used car dealers and door to door charlatans. This is our duty - to change their perception. I say salesmen... and women of the world unite! We must never acquiesce for it is together
Ok
It was amazing. I wish you would have been there.
What? Something happened?
Weird.
Con artist.
Mmm... hello tiny one.
You are the future!
There is no way that hurt.
Little girl. Come over here. Shake my hand. Come on
No
You call your mom Meredith? Thats very disrespectful.
You can refer to me as Mister Schrute.
Schrute. Mister Schrute.
... Schrute.  Jim and Abby snicker
That was Greensleeves. A traditional English Ballad about the beheaded Anne Boleyn. And now
Theres a photo...
These are cautionary tales for kids
Nazi was a fascist movement...
...from the 1930s...
I was gonna teach the children how to make corn-husk dolls.
...Okay.
We have better service than they do!
Is that a real fun shooting windmill?
And he is on TV now!
Uh
Well at least Im not a horrible little latchkey kid who got suspended from school. So...
And they do
The Schrutes consider children very valuable. In the olden days
Yes. There he is
Birthday hug!
That suit is amazing.
Mmm. Maybe I should get one.
Ebay. Hm. Question! May I be in charge of the party planning festivities?
Excellent. On my part
Lets get the party started.
Party planning committee
Not my problem. Here is a list of things that Michael would like to be surprised by.
Yes
Its For the Longest Time
I probably care more than she does.
Uh
Listen up everyone! It is 11:23 exactly
There is a tradition that the Hebrews have of hoisting the birthday boy up on a chair.
So come help me celebrate Michaels birth moment. Kevin!
Creed! Come on. Stanley!
On three
Happy birth moment
One. Two. Three!
Oscar...
Okay
F. Alright
Thirty nine... sixty.
Why tip someone for a job Im capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can
Here they come.
Come and get it!
Uh
Hey temp
Hell
Oh. I got it.
This is the most important day of the year. I cant risk anything.
What about that meeting... later... to discuss finances?
But what if im hungry?
Here we go. Make a wish.
Yaoo yay!
Pam was supposed to get em.
Where have you been? And dont say the bathroom
Please
Ill get someone to take it down.
YEAH!
Turn it around. Turn it around.
Number one!!
Kevin Malone
Thanks
Lets go over some of the symptoms of marijuana use
I like the people I work with generally
Stop! This is not Kelly Kapoor story hour. Illegal drugs were consumed on company property
I didnt know that you were at a party on Saturday night.
Okay
Dont make me do this the hard way.
I go down to the police station on my lunch break. I tell a police officer
I cant stop this investigation. It is my job.
I volunteered for this job.
It is my duty...
...to investigate the crime scene. I have six more interviews to go and then I will reveal what I know.
If you are attempting to compliment me then you have done a very good job.
Well
...because being a narc is one of the hardest jobs that you can have...
...and I am very proud of being a narc.
Oscar visited Mexico when he was five to attend his great-grandmothers funeral. What does that mean to a United States law enforcement officer? Hes a potential drug mule.
Have you ever taken any illegal drugs?
Do you think its possible that maybe you could have had some drugs in your system without you knowing about it?
Have you ever... pooped... a balloon?
He sure left in a hurry.
I dont want to blow this. This is what all good law enforcement officers dream of. The chance to solve an actual crime.
Do you know what this is?
How do you know that?
Dammit.
No
Thats ridiculous
I would remember.
Thats not how it works.
Knock it off

I know youre innocent
Where were you yesterday after work?
Attention everyone. Drug testers are coming in a couple of hours to test everyones urine.
Company policy. If drugs are found on the premises there is automatic drug testing conducted within twenty-four hours.
No you cant do that.
No you cannot. It has to be official
Kevin
Angela
Youre not on anything?
Good.
Thank you
No
You will be. That is the law according to the rules.
Hi
Mine was green.
Im all better.
What kind of filing?
That goes directly to the tester.
Like in a cup?
For what purpose?
Then I refuse.
Are you serious?
But thats illegal.
Not my urine.
Were you forced to do drugs at this concert?
I want him to have all the urine he needs.
I know that. Dont you think I know that?
My fathers name was Dwight Schrute. My grandfathers name was Dwight Schrute. His fathers name Dwide Schrude. Amish. I loved my father very much. Every morning hed wake up at dawn and make us biscuits with gravy. When I was little my dad and I played a lot of games together. My dad cheated a lot but I never busted him on it. I would have
Thats great.
Its a uniform and I turned it in today when I tendered my resignation.
I took an oath when I was sworn in and I broke that oath today.
Really?
Thats fantastic because Ive always felt that the security here sucked .
Thank you
Okay
Thank you
I need to go over some details with you.
First of all
Oh
Oh! What is on your face? Is that a disguise?
Clown paint.
I.D. badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year
Oh
Whoa.. wha... wait. If someone has a problem with me
That is not true. Redact it. Redact it!
Okay
That doesnt make any sense.
No.
I never smile if I can help it. Showing ones teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me
This is humongous. I am not a security threat...
And my middle name is Kurt
I have another complaint for Jims permanent file.
What box?!
Ah... agh... dgh... Ahh! No
No! You calm down! Whos side is Toby on? Whos side are you on?
Him or me?
Him or me? I cannot work with Jim anymore.
Either he goes
You choose!
One of us is out of here by the end of today!
I am not bluffing!
Okay?
Do the right thing here
I deserve this. You know I do!
You have till five.
Oh
Its a good market. Higher volume.
I have a girlfriend...
So
I want an answer by tomorrow.
Fine.
Come on
I would never
I know. It belonged to my grandfather. He was buried in it
Impossible. Roulette is not a game of skill
Oh
How would you do that?
You cant be serious. Are you serious?
I dont believe you. Continue.
Thats ridiculous. You know what? Uh... Why dont you move that coat rack? Excuse me
Oh
Yes!
Wait
Actually
When Darryl was coming
Code name Re/Max is here. No sign of Lan Jevinson.
Im Michaels wingman. Ive got his back. Two dates. Hes got two dates tonight. My job is to keep Jan away from Carol and vice versa. Michael said
I expect to do very well tonight. I have an acute ability to read people. Jim
Hey
Jans here.
Give me the dice.
Lets go.
Evening
Thank you
Yeah! Yeah!  Kisses Angela
Give me the dice!
Come on
Come on.   So where you staying? Radisson?
Super 8?
Motel 6? Best Western?
Holiday Inn? The Hyatt in Wilkes-Barre? You staying with Michael?
Nice
Oh
Youre saying Michael stole money from his own company?
No! No
Which is exactly what youd say if you did do it. Oh
No.
There has to be a better explanation.
He charged it. Discover. Made a little cash back on the deal. Smart. If he were a general in the Army
Okay
Jim is gone. Hes gone. I miss him so much. Ooooh I cry myself to sleep
Of course.
Absolutely not.
Well
You could assume everyone is
I really dont think so.

Jim told me you could buy gay-dar online.
Yeah probably. He didnt tell the truth a lot.
Definitely.
Damn.   Ill try Brookstone.
Uh
Ah damn pop-ups.
I think all the other office gays should identify themselves
What about Phyllis? She makes absolutely no attempt to be feminine!
Michael appears to be gay too. And yet he is my friend. I guess I do have a gay friend.
Hope this helps. -Jim Nice!
Shhh. Dont be scared.  gay-dar beeps over Oscars belt buckle
Dont be mad
Monkey
Yes
And your veil.
Um.
I got it.
I got it.
Um.
Can I have my neck pillow back? Michael! Can I have my neck pillow back?
Oh
Shut up. Thats impossible.
Well
So what kind of commissions you get up there?
Youre so immature!
Hey
This party is going to be awesome.
Check it out.
Wow.
Ill do a shot
Dwight Schrute
Im a huge fan.
Why do they call him The Bus?
Smile!
You dont have email on your phone.
No one just called you.
Yes. Anything.
Ill talk to my buddy down at the station
So I called my buddy down at the station today. Had them run a background check on Josh Porter. See if theres any known aliases
He wasnt volunteering today.
Whoa. Michael.
Was that your per diem?
Hey
Keep the wing flaps.
Come on. Nice try
Yes! Ha!
Ha
Blood
Take a seat down there. Second from the end.
Why him?
Not everyone approves of Movie Monday. I wont say who.
Thats not going to happen.
Thats not his fault! He had to follow his heart!
Ever since Michael dumped Jan for Carol
Michael would never let me...
I could never do that!
outside in the parking lot
Is this Jan?
This is Dwight Schrute. I am calling about an extremely sensitive matter.
Its about Michael.
I cant talk here. Its too sensitive.
No
Pull over at exit 40. There is a Liz Claiborne outlet. I know you like that store. Go inside and shop
Many of your blouses are Claibornes.
Part of my job.
...noted.
Im going... to the dentist.
I have to have an emergency crown put in.
Yes. Its a new dentist. Hes far. I might be gone... three hours.
Did you get anything good?
New blouse? Halter top? Camisole? Teddy?
I can save the branch.
If you let me run it.
Ok I can run it?
Mostly get rid of waste. Which is half the people there. And clean house.   Right here. Its all for me. Thank you.
The decision to turn on Michael was difficult.   But once I did it
Oh
Hey.
No thanks Im stuffed.
...ok.
...so good.
They have this new kind of quick drying bonding
Oh
Crentist.
Yep.
Maybe thats why he became a dentist.
Ahh. Aaaah.
I know...
What?
What is it?
No.
Gahh!
I cant believe this news. That--- wow.
You said that?
Well... Gosh
All right.
Assistant to the regional manager. Thank you Michael
Hey... I cant imagine this place without you.
Yeah
Thank you Angela.
Thank you Michael. I just want to say
Yes.
I
Oh please
No thank you.
No thanks.
Not my style.
Well that was before. Im thinking about getting something German
No.
What did you---
Yes.
You know what?
No!
I think the Sebrings cool. Its cool. The Seabrings cool. It has a cassette and it has a CD.
Dont fire me. Please.
I HAVE EXCELLENT SALES NUMBERS!
Ill do anything! Anything! Ill do your laundry for a month! For a year!
Im sorry! Ill do anything
You cant. You cant. But I promise Ill never betray you again. What can I do
Whoo!
Awesome!
Michael
Okay.   Whoo!
Really?
That is the way to go. Instant death. Very smart.
Youre thinking of a chicken.
Ed was decapitated.
You said you didnt know how to say it.
Hey.
If my head ever comes off
When I die
That is not a statue
And how big do you want this robot?
Mm
Look   I gave him a six foot extension cord so he cant chase us.
I got it. When my mother was pregnant with me
Michael!   Michael. Michael ...
Oh...
Poor little fella.
He is a goner.
Yeah.
Michael
You want me to flush him?
Argh... gah!
What? No
Im sorry
I need a box. I need a box. A small box... not too confining.
Yeah.
Oh
Yes
Excellent.
Always.
Hes not a songbird.

Lets get back to work.
Brain teaser. I have two coins totaling 15 cents and one of them is not a nickel. What are they?
No
Ok. A man and his son get into a car accident. They are rushed to the hospital. The doctor says
A man is found hanging from the ceiling...
A hunter.
Damn it!
So you excited?
Very excited?
Extremely excited? ... Just very? Thats cool.
I am very excited. Ryan hasnt made a sale yet
When you are ready to see the sales office
Do you know where we are
I hold in my hand
And just as you have planted your seed in the ground
Smells pretty bad
Its called bull crap and a client can smell it from a mile away.
Oh hey
Congratulations resourceful salesman. You have passed the second challenge. Welcome to Schrute Farm.
It is time for your next test. You have planted the beet seed. You have walked the long lonely walk of loneliness.
You know what your problem is? You know why you havent made any sales? Cause you think you know everything. You have to trust that maybe there are other people that can teach you things. Are you ready to learn? Are you ready for the final test?
Come on!
Please be seated.
Pay no attention to the spirits that haunt this hallowed ground.
Yes.
Mose is my cousin and he lives here. He will always be my best friend. Unless things go well with Ryan today in which case
What is the greatest danger facing Dunder Mifflin?
Wrong. Flash floods. What is the true cause of Robert Mifflins suicide?
Wrong. He hated himself. What is the DHARMA initiative?
Final question
Wrong. Hes not afraid of anything. Also
Wrestle him to the ground.
Ryan. Dont. Ryan! You dont have to wrestle him. Just get in the coffin. Ryan?
Where are all the animals?
Ryan
You still mad? Its just Jim and I didnt get along
Screwgun. The sales call!
Establish time frames. Keep the phrase real dollars in their head. And always keep the power in the conversation. Thats why youre losing them on the cold calls. Cause you say the word please too much.
Michael always said
Good.
Right.
Uh huh.
Exactly. Yes.
They did not. They didnt have to say it to your face.
Not everythings a lesson
Temp! Temp! Temp! Temp! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Yes! Just think
Maybe youve got mono.
Yeah
Pam wishes.   Kelly
I see dead people.
He was dead the whole time.
Temp! Temp! Pflut! Pflut!
No!  Youll thank me later.
Hey stranger.
Sorry. I just feel like we havent talked in awhile.
Yes!
Whats the plan?
Can I drive?
Shotgun!
Still.
Thank you very much.   Okay
But
Christmas card list.
But when I do
So
No. Bad idea. You need an attack plan. Here
Dum
Yes? What is the meaning of this?
Well
Listen
Whoa hey
Okay.
Dum
Uh!
Ah.   Here
who is it?
Gonna get it?
Nothing.
Then it was an honor to have worked with you.
My first day when you hazed me by spraying me with a fire extinguisher.
Uh
What were your favorite moments?
What about when Jan said the branch was closing?
Well

Oh my God!
: Stranford is closed! Michael
We did it!
In your face!
Oh
I dont ... have no idea.
Psh
What was your mile time?
I could beat that on a skateboard.
Yeah
Lets just put it this way. Last weekend I outran a black pepper snake.
I am fast. To give you a reference point. Im somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther.
Man
And youll compare the times?
No
...is really tight.
I cant...
Aaaaah!
Nametag?
Karen Filippelli.
Probably Italian. Possibly Filipino.
Thats Andy Bernard.
If I were you...
...I would fire Anthony Gardner...
...before noon...
...to consolidate power.
No
The Japanese camp guards of World War II always chose one man to kill whenever a batch of new prisoners arrived. I always wondered how they chose the man who was to die. I think I would have been good at choosing the person.
Hannah Smoterich-Barr.
Well
Fact - I am older. I am wiser. Do not mess with me.
What are you doing?
I have a smudge on my forehead?
Why are you looking at my forehead?
Meet my eye line
Stop acting like an idiot!
Hello. I dont believe weve been introduced. Dwight Schrute. Assistant Regional Manager.
So youll be reporting to me
My title has Manager in it.
Oh.
I know everything about film. Ive seen over 240 of them.
We need to talk!
Which is higher? Assistant Regional Manager or Regional Director in Charge of Sales?
Okay. So who gets paid more? Me or Andy?
Ok. Who reports to who?
And then if I want...
I...
I...
One...
Yo Mike
What?
What?
But check that its covered by your health care provider!
But the little cars go in the compact spot
Do you mean to me? From you? Cause thats how it works.
Do you have batteries?
Very funny
Really funny
Do this. Come on. Ready?
On three. One... two... three.
Hey
That was my advice. Remember? Im the one who suggested that you fire him.
And what advice has Andy given to you today that you have acted on? Would none be an accurate estimate? None advice?   Fire Andy. Fire. Andy.
What!
YEAH!
If he even wants it. It doesnt come with a pay raise.
So who will be your new Number Three?
And I have to say your leadership...
has brought...
Uh
Xterras not even a real word.
Oh
That makes sense. Id rather drive a classic TransAm than an XEarth.
Well I hope 1985 has a time machine cause I drive an 87.
Speaking of funerals
Idiot!
If you were driving a TransAm
Youre the idiot!
I was making fun of your comeback! Thats why it worked.   Totally got the best of that interchange.
I am cool.
Im cool
I am greatly concerned about having a convict in the office. And I do not care if that convict is white
Prison Mike. Whats the very very worst thing about prison?
Merry Christmas!
Dont worry
I accidentally ran over it. Its a Christmas miracle!
Relax
Jim.
What does it look like?
And circle gets the square.
So can you watch this? Im gonna get my carving knife out of the trunk.
No
Once I brought in a duck. To prepare for lunch. And people got upset. Apparently
He was already dead. And we Schrutes use every part of the goose. The meat has a delicious
Exactly. Thank you
Ok
Its Christmas Toby.
Toby...
Please? Please?
Oh Pam. Take a chill pill.
Oh
Are we gonna cancel Hanukah as well?
Michael. Sorry to interrupt. Uh
Copy.
We are getting rid of everything that reminds you of Carol.
Oh
Why dont you just buy the whole song?
Oh
Pam and Karen. I am ordering you to cease and desist all party planning. Immediately.
As ranking number three in this office
Youre number four.
Ah
Ok
OK
No no
Damn it!
Get out Jim.   Actually
I cant... I cant here what youre saying.
Whatre you talking about?
Carol had a mustache?
What are you guys talking about?
Michael! Repeat what you said louder!
It is my job to be there for Michael. How can I be there for Michael if Im here for Michael?
Who are you calling?
Looks like youve got a little Nakiri knife action going there.
Yeah
Nah
Michael! Hey! Over here
Start the party.
Jim! Jim! What... Whats happening?
Oh... Narcolepsy.
Oh my gosh
Oh
Hey! Its Angela!  Angela slams door shut
No. It was awful. I couldnt hear anything.
No... way! Yeah!
Oh.
Walkie-talkies.
Yes!
Monkey
Lady
pum pum pum pum pum pum pum
Bye Pam.
What the?   You have been compromised. Abort mission. Destroy phone. Destroy phone?
Tape recorder.
For recording. Michael is on vacation and hes asked me to record all meetings and to type up the transcripts.
What?
Im not.
I do not have a knife!
Let the record show that Jim Halpert is a liar!
Give me it. I am not.
Jim Carrey did not just walk in
You cant see... You cant see my stomach.
Whos the target?
Whats it of?
Unless youre willing to tell me everything
OK
Michael hit a deer?
Michael! Michael!   Theres an emergency in the warehouse.
No
I have disconnected the office T1 line. I have ordered that that   be taken down and destroyed all print outs from the bathroom.
There were. A lot of them.
Who did this to you?   Where is he?
Its hot in here.
Yeah.
I know.   So youre PMSing pretty bad
Everything is fine. You are in the clear.
Ok
Yup?
Yeah! You want shirts on hangers?
Come on!!
Uh
Leave the keys.
Leave the keys!
No thank you
Uh
Can I use your phone?
Thanks.
One...
Three...
Seven...
Sure.
Erm
Here is my card. Its got my Cell number
I like Karen. Shes pretty and appears intelligent.
My girlfriend is also beautiful and smart. She could be a model or a college professor which is intimidating to a lot of guys.
No thank you.
Hey
I overslept. Damn rooster didnt crow.
I am not a liar.
Stay out of this
Michael
Thats what she said.
Its going to be ok.
Thats not the worst thing in the world. Ill just stand up in front of the office and reveal our true love. It wont be that bad. Look at Kelly and Ryan.
Well
Ahem-hem-hem. May I have your attention please? This will only take a moment of your time. Although I love this company more than almost anything in the world
I would like to give the rest of my belongings to Michael Scott. Just take them. Except this.
One of my life goals was to die right here in my desk chair. And today
I have left Dunder-Mifflin after many record-breaking years and am officially on the job market. And its very exciting.
For your convenience
I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me.
How would I describe myself? Three words. Hard-working
There is nothing on my horizon except everything. Everything is on my horizon.
I got this job to make some money while I continue my employment search. And uh
Childs play. Give me something hard to sell.
Need any help?
Great. I will literally be standing right here if you need anything at all.
I have snow tires and chains. Plus exceptional hand-eye coordination.
Dunder-Mifflin.
Paper company. Theyre only one of Staples top competitors in the area.
Whoa. Really? Have you heard of paper?
Well
Hey.
Same old.
Oh my God
Accepted.
The boss isnt funny.
I dont get to wear my ties.
So?
I dont want to do your laundry anymore.
Thank you.
You did this for me?
Oh
How do you know its going to be a boy?

Ow.
What if hes a murderer?
Maybe thats how you die.
I want to do this.
Action.
Alright! Uh!
What?
Im on it.
Ruddy cheeks
Leave me alone and get the male stripper.
I knew you would
No preference
Nice. Do you have any blonde women?
Yes. Jennifer Garner portrayed one on Alias. It was one of her many aliases.
Okay
Oh
Is she hot? Text back
I do! I want some man meat!
Elizabeth
We hired you for three hours work and were going to get it.
Care for a piece of chocolate?
Who is the king of Austria?
Who is the king of Prussia?
Who is the king of England?
I dont care what Jim says
Are you near sighted or far sighted?
GAH!!!
What do you think?
Okay.
Sure
Inbwit? Yes.
Dwight holds out his hand
I...
I dont know. My mouth tastes so bad all of a sudden.  nasty
Hello
You look as beautiful as the Queen of England.
The Shrutes have their own traditions. We usually marry standing in our own graves. Makes the funerals very romantic
Why are all these people here? There are too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague. Who are all these people?
No way.
Of course I saw it.
I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally. I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man and went into the wrong theatre. After an hour
Once again
Its a miracle.
Best of luck
Dammit
Scuse me
The bride and groom? What are their names?
Oh I get it
Got to find yourself another wedding to crash
I cant let you in
No
You are a real life wedding crasher and I must bounce you. Im sorry
Dont be an idiot. Changed my life.
Whenever Im about to do something
...Oh my God. Animal stool.
Solving a mystery
BAAAAT! BAT! NO! EVERYONE REMAIN CALM! There it goes!
We have... a bat... in the office.
At Six?! No
What? Whats so wierd?
This is your job
No... no. One crisis at a time.
If a vampire bat was in the U.S.
I dont have a lot of experience with vampires
Extraordinary events call for extraordinary actions. We form an allegiance--
--to use sudden violence.
Do you have the tools to turn a wooden mop handle into a stake?
Flush him towards the door. On my go... NOW!
Animal control? Ive been controlling animals since I was six.
Goodbye Jim. And good luck.
Jim is on a path now. An eternal journey
Magic time. Gyeeeaahhh!
Hold still
...  ... Youre welcome.
Yes. But this   seems to be...
I know how. Dislocate his shoulder and slip his arm out from underneath.

Its early bird gets the worm.
Let me smell.   Good
Thanks for inviting me along.
Hello
Talk to you later
Salad.
You dressed exactly like the servants.
Wait. I dont think yours will fit me.
That would have been really embarrassing.
Crisis averted.
Its from both of us.
Oh
Do you ever watch Battlestar Galactica?
No? Then you are an idiot.
Whats the square footage?
Does that include the garage?
Im just...
Its a common question.
These old colonials are great
Cool
Huh.   Yeah
Just the one window?
Are those real pearls?
Good.
Oh good
I want one. Its got good solid construction. Comfortable. What is this? Oak?
What do you know?
The chimney is in decent shape. Not great. I found some termite damage in a crawl space and some structural flaws in the foundation so all in all
Dont break up you guys
Pam
Everyday
Thank you not necessary and thus
Dont want it.
Dont want it. Wont open it. Dont need it. Wont take it. Citizens do not accept prizes for being citizens.
No
I saw the perpetrator advance toward the victim at a high rate of speed. His head was thrown back
Irrelevant. Discharged it at a distance of a little over a meter into the perpetrators eyes
When Han Solo returns to the Death Star in the Millennium Falcon
No. And why are you so interested in buying me something Jim
Whats this?
Certificate of Bravery
Please. They hand these out to little kids. Look. Theres a teddy bear in a policemans cap.
Really?
Mm
Sounds... fun.  they kiss
No need to thank me.
I am not a hero. I am a mere defender of the office. You know whos a real hero? Hiro
Yes
Jim
Ok
Ok
Damn you.
Yeah!
Idiots! God
Wolves.
Visual aids.
A quilt. Depression quilt?
Okay
We measured it once...
Seedless?
Ready?
drops watermelon
Okay.
Got it.
Were not allowed to use the baler.
Im on it!
Im temporarily lifting the shun.
It means nothing. I need you to do something for me.
Okay
What do you think? Youve got an hour.
Shunning resumed.
Un-shun. Yeah that sounds good. Re-shun.
Oh yeah
When you land
Do you wanna do another test? I got plenty of watermelons in my trunk!
Thats right! Doing! Totally doing! Its rock n roll!
Yeah!
Near near near near near!
Michael is awesome! Jumpin off the roof!
Bouncin on the bouncy bounce! Show em whos boss!
Rip a hole in the suuuuuuun!
Guys! Listen up! Michael is up on the roof
Un-shun. I think hes suffering from depression. Re-shun.
Un-shun. Never. Re-shun. I think he wants you all to come out to the parking lot and watch him die!
Its gorgeous. Lets go!
No really
Everybodys gonna be fine in exactly what theyre wearing
Come on
Michael
Depression? Isnt that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?
Is that the last year the data was available?
Dont do anything rash!
I didnt...   I didnt think you needed them for this part.
you said to just...
Okay
Attention blue collar workers!
Michaels up on the roof and hes acting strange!
Michael! Whats wrong?
Depressed? Isnt that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?
No
Okay
Oh... Its uh
Thats a ridiculous question.
Well thats debatable. There are basically two schools of thought---
Bears do not--- What is going on--- What are you doing?!
You know what? Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery
Oh
Cri-Man-Squa?
Yes! You are entering the No Spin Zone!
Not!
On it. OK
First rule in road-side beet sales: Put the most attractive beets on top. The ones that make you pull the car over and go
Hey!   Look sharp!   Hey! Uh
And you must be uh
And Breaking Corporate News.
Oh
Dont get too excited
Great.
Emergency dentist appointment.
You look good in this.
May I point out that the s*x appeared to be consensual? Both animals were smiling.
I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having s*x in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doin a goat
Its non-transferable...
Uh
Im just saying...
They would flank you. Throw in a concussion grenade.
You would be on the ground
Cut.
Pam.
Pssssh. I look like an idiot. Hey Karen.
Yeah
Im Jim Halpert.
Ah-luh-luh
That is a demerit.
Youve gotta learn
Lets put it this way. You do not want to receive three of those.
Three demerits and youll receive a citation.
Oh
That is correct.
Whats a dis... whats that?
Move!
Employees of this office are very small and delicate. Deserve protection from local pervs. Better 1
Agreed. Let me show you what Ive been working on.
There are several penises there Id love Phyllis to run her eyes over. You know
Look at that one.
Due to a recent incident involving Phyllis
Answer: No
Phyllis
Attention. I am removing all bananas from the kitchen.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Yes. Did you hear that
Mm
You know what? Why doesnt Oscar run the meeting? Hes a homosexual.
Those are collectible action figures and theyre worth more than your car.
Alien. Blagh!
I wish I could menstruate.
If I could menstruate
Have you finished with the sketch?
Hmm
Hmm.
Pams sketch looks like Dwight with a mustache
Of course you do
No
More like
This is what we know.
Yeah
No. Wholesies.
Natch.
You know
Dunder-Mifflin paper/s*x predator hotline
Jim
Ugh. Im hanging up.
You have information about the s*x predator?
Where?
Anti-flashing task force! Above the sink. Above the sink. Hmm.  sees himself in the mirror with two black marks on the mirror making a mustache
OK
No
Abdomen. Menses.
The uterus contracts after your egg passes through it.
Oh
Yes! Funtivities! I knew it wasnt just a trip to the beach.
I hope there will be management parables.
Yes!
I choose Michael!
OK
We will be called Gryffindor.
Slytherin are the bad guys
He-who-must-not-be-named? I wouldnt do that.
OK
Come on! Come on! Andale! Arriba! Arriba!
What are you saying?
OK
I am trying to bring team spirit.
Lets go! Lets go! Come on! Mush! Mush! Come on you b*st*rd!   What the? Damn it temp!
Its very good for you.
Youre leaving?
Damn it!
Sabotage.
No. I was saying that before. Not now. Now I am saying sabotage. The ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team.
If Michael organizes some kind of group hug
Gaaaaa....
Yaaaaa! Yaaaaa!
Gryffindor! Gryffindor!
Thats not why you lost.
Yeah
Aaaagh! Uggggh! How do you like that?
No! Its okay. I will do this Michael.
I will walk and stand on these coals until you award me the position of regional manager!
standing still
falling on his knees
Aggggh
The Aristocrats. A man and his wife and his children go into the offices of a talent agency. And the talent agent says
I mean truly repulsive acts.
You wanted to see me?
But thats my name.   Dwight
Thank you
sobbing
Thank you.
How would you like to spend the night with the Regional Manager of Dunder-Mifflin
No
Jim
I am gonna be your new boss.   Its my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check in time is now. Check out time is never.
No. And the sheets are made of fire.
Sorry
Ill have to talk to the manager.
Im the owner. The co-owner. With Satan!
Yeah
Eighty thousand dollars a year.
Once Im officially Regional Manager my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.
Yes you will.
Okay
No! Hey
What did I say!?
I am going to begin this process with a simple test of intelligence and mental dexterity. What is the best color?
Wrong. Black. It is the most dominant. How do you make a table?
What is the capital of Maine?
Okay
Youre not off to a very good start
Andy and Dwight arm-wrestle
This interview is over. Ill let you know.
Whos ready to work?
Michael is gone.
My first order of business: make Andrew Bernard my number two.
As if you had a choice.   Duh.   Opportunity of a lifetime.
You showed great leadership potential at the coal walk. Even if you did follow it with that embarrassing personal confession.
I had to make Andy my number two. Its political
Well
Correct
Mmmmmm
Do you accept?
Listen up! Come to the center of the room
Excellent question
Just... zip your lid! Another announcement. Michael wasted an enormous amount of the groups time and patience with non-work related ethnic celebrations and parades of soft-minded dogoodedness. No longer. No more meetings!
Instead
Yes! Michael is gone. Theres a new sheriff here in these offices
Listen up. Lets start... from the ground up. Where does paper come from?
Trees! And where do trees grow?
Soil. Right. We have
Very good! You have earned one Schrute Buck.
Then you have been deducted 50 Schrute Bucks!
We--- Dont you wanna earn Schrute Bucks?
Whats the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute Bucks?
Okay---
What---
No wait
No
Zip your lid!
Its like outerspace without the stars
Its so intimidating! Anyone who comes in here... is gonna have to take me seriously. Abandon all hope
To intimidate my subordinates.
It was Andys idea.
Pam
I wanted to thank you... for helping me
Where?
No need we can just check the security tapes.
Its only Meredith.
Hey... Why did you do it?
Was she talkin back?
Did you get sick of that face? Did she owe you money? Uh-oh. Is this downsizing? Did she spurn your advances?
Hey monkey
Sure.
Check to see if shes faking. If a car hit me
So what do you need me to do?
Mm-hmm.
Hey monkey.
Well you left the TV on
Sparkles
That was the sick one
No.
Really dead. Like a... just a dead cat.
So... Hey come on
Actually the place that shes in is the freezer
Shes only a cat.
Cats do not provide milk or wool or meat.
No
I do not respect her
As a farmer
Blink once if you want me to pull the plug.
Are you a doctor
Pfft... Her chart doesnt indicate that she had a hysterectomy but she did
Just doing my job.
So
Mm-hmm.
No
Actually the doctor said it was lucky she came in to the hospital
Oww!
Youre taking this out on me
Youll feel better after the 5k. Exercise is good for depression.
Well I dont know
Wait
Maybe we should just skip the ceremony and setup a college fund for Merediths son.
Mm-hmm.
On your marks
Youve got nothing to worry about
How ya feeling
Well you look cute as a button. Youve worked up quite a sweat.
I am a farmer Angela.
OK
I... I sang her
It was beautiful and gentle and respectful. I fed her antihistamines and she gradually fell asleep.
Well Im not responsible for that!
Hey
Its nothing
Its fine. What?
I thought I was helping you. I expected a hug. I took care of that cat
I know a great taxidermist. Ill pay to have her stuffed. Well hes not great
Or we can have her buried out at the east field
What?
I dont see it. I think they both could do better.
To give you this  .
Its a feral barn cat. I trapped him last night and Im giving him to you as a replacement cat for the one I destroyed.
And his name is... Garbage. Mose calls him Garbage because he likes to eat garbage.   Dont you Garbage?
You havent buried her yet?
Garbage can be very helpful. OK
What if we dont want to use a Blackberry because they are stupid and pointless?
Got it.
Hello.
Really?
Ill make a reservation. No
Oh
Im gonna live for a very long time. My grandma Schrute lived to be 101. My grandpa Manheim is 103
Are you enjoying your vegetarian noodles?
Dry. Delicious.
Oh
Are you enjoying your mineral water?
Then dont look in my eyes. Look right here
No
Dry rot?
Excuse me
Youre welcome.
Yes...   I miss you.
Fine.   Then I just want to be friends.
Plus a little extra. Also
Michael
Please
Yeah.
Thank you.
Sweet ride
Ah
Larry Myers. Left us six months ago for Office Depot.
Why do you use that thing? Lets them know where you are at all times.
The government
Yes
And we are dedicated to providing you with the very best customer service
Please
Remember what we had Larry?
I dont know. Sometimes people are just impossible and they make you miserable.
Like Angela in accounting.
Ugh... no
You dont know?
Hes not coming back
Accept it
Thats not gonna change his mind. Hes moving on. We had our chance and we killed it.
Well were O for six. Last chance is the Elmhurst country club. Other side of the lake
Thats how it goes sometimes
Wait wait wait! No no no! It means bear right
No no no
It cant mean that! Theres a lake there!
This is the lake!
No
Remain calm! I have trained for this!   Okay
I got you
Fine.
Did you get the rental insurance? Because that is pretty important too at a time like this.
Ill call a cab.
Look at that
Yes
Yes!
Take a stand!
Its real simple. If you dont appreciate what we do
Can you call us a cab please
Nice leather
Excuse me I have an announcement to make. We seem to be missing a box of chocolate turtles with peacons
Well bill you.
Thats ridiculous. Im not going to be beaten by a website.
Really? Cause Ryan says so?
I can make more sales than a computer. In fact
You believe a computer can beat me?
Well I will prove you wrong.
Well see.
Hmm. Very nice. Very nice.
Just ignore him.
I just feel like we need something more to acknowledge when I make a sale.
Go to my car. Open the trunk. Inside you will see many pelts. Under the smallest one is a case. Inside that case is a bear horn. Bring it to me.
Got it. Carb up.
Hey
Uhyeaahhh! Hello
Today Im prepared to give you 15% off our normal prices.
Three reams! Yoohoo... in your face
What if I told you I could offer free shipping? Sure. Ill hold.
It appears that the website has become alive. This happens to computers and robots sometimes. Am I scared of a stupid computer? Please. The computer should be scared of me! I have been salesman of the month for 13 out of the last 12 months. You heard me right. I did so well last February that Corporate gave me 2 plaques in lieu of a pay raise.
Ohhhhhh!
No
Fine. Good.
Yeah.
I do not look worried.
What are you doing? I am in the fight of my life against this computer and every sale counts.
Damnit Kelly! It knows! It knows what you did!
Return it! Return it now!
Y... You dont understand. If... okay
I am not a bad person. When I left Staples
Yes
Perfect. So let me just get some basic information from you. Mmmhmm.
Im sorry. Am
Yesss! Ten reams for the US District Court! Did I happen to mention the forty reams for the battered womens shelter?
Huh?!
Did you see the board?
Yes!
Woo!
Reams. Wait. Say it. Say it again. Announce it again.
No no no the first part.
Hey. So. What do you think? I did it for you.
You didnt have to.
I think shes efficient.
I hadnt noticed.

I think its inappropriate to date someone you work with.
No. I think you should date Kelly.
Uh
Ive seen this kid before. Hes one the kids who sneaks on my farm and steals my hemp.
Were a paper company. The best paper company in the whole wide world.
What did you just call him?
What did you say?
I can make him talk
Listen up kid.   I dont like you
Hey!
Its just ice

If youre going number one youve got ten more seconds!
Ahh-chaa!
Im just scaring him. The trick is to make him think youre going to do something to him.
Shut up
You had to
Well
What will you do?
Yeah.
So
Here we go
Now what?
Alright. Oh
Blah.
Uhh.
What?
Coopers has calamari.
Tokyo?
Yes.
Okay.
Nice.
Woo-hoo.
Yum.
Later on.
And I spent so much time in Scranton and I never sold any paper.
I started a fire with my cheese pita.
I date Indian girls.
Now Ive got a beard
I dont get that
Yeah
Dunder Mifflin
None of your business
It is not a B and B.
Agrotourism is a lot more than a bed and breakfest. It consists of tourists coming to a farm
Im not telling you anything.   Permits are pending.   Dwight Schrute
Okay
Where did you read that?
Trip Advisor is the life blood of the Agrotourism industry. A couple of bad reviews there
How many in your party?
We offer tours of the fields
One cardigan
You took that with you.
You are incorrect. I was recently scrubbing my room of memories
My girlfriend and I broke up recently. And I must say
We have three rooms
American
Ill put you down for Irrigation. Well then
No.
No. Jim
Mose
Here we are
Mose
reading to Jim
Jim knocks on Dwights door
Oh
Is everything satisfactory with your stay?
Great.
Oh. Well Ill look into that in the morning. Thank you for bringing that to the attention of the staff.
Pam.
I am better than you have ever been or ever will be.
Stupid.
No.
Maybe you should. Whatever.
Im glad you enjoyed your stay.
Uhh-mmm
No you didnt.
Mmm-uh-mm
sobbing
takes a ruler and shoves it between his desk and Jims
Second Life is not a game. It is a multi-user virtual environment. It doesnt have points or scores
I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. In my Second Life I was also a paper salesman and I was also named Dwight. Absolutely everything was the same. Except I could fly.
We cannot talk about this... because
Angela can stay the same
Dwike?
Yes.
Andy
She called you D?
Oh D.
Oh D.
He looks like your twin.
I will know.
I wont need to because well be together playing hooky. Yeah.
Found him!
Egg dripping
Well
Yow!
Hes lying.
Gah-ah-hah-ha!
No communication with the outside world Jim.
Oh no
Or real bombs.
Yeah
Come on
Im peeing in this empty can.
Well you said that we couldnt make anymore stops
Hey
I think I cut my pen1s on the lid!
Believe it.
And if we have to defend ourselves
Then Ill grind up the jumbo chalk and blow it in his eyes.
Okay
Lets move! Move
We are climbing some stairs.
Im breathing heavily.
Well...
Theres a security guard coming by. Hello
I can see the security guards eyes.
I have to do something to his eyes.
The eyes are the groin of the head.
My hip bone!
Dont leave us!
Dont leave us
Im losing control of my bladder.
Did you say Karen?
Do not tell Karen about the industrial copier.
Listen lady
Then we will burn Utica to the ground.
Im on it.
Lets see if any of these will work.
I keep various weaponries strategically placed around the office. I saved Jims life with a can of pepper spray I had velcroed under my desk. People say
Do I believe that Michael possesses the skills to survive in a hostile environment? Lets put it this way : no
No
I would make sure that you were dead.
First
And they would call me the Overkill Killer.
What are you doing?
It would be better if you were unconscious.
Do you want to do this right or not?
Were here.
Here we go. Just the two of us
Here we go
Keep going
Good a spot as any.
Im just --
Spin. Im trying to confuse your sense of direction.   Behold.
Heres your knife. Heres your duct tape.
Good luck
I lied to Michael. I said that I would leave him alone
Michael is a man of great depth and passion. I dont know what hes searching for out here.   I hope he finds it.   Lunch.
About two more minutes  .
Nothing to worry about. Just using the scope. Safety is...   on.
Stop! No
All right! What is going on here?
I told you.
All of my heroes are table tennis players. Zoran Primorac
Well
Wait a minute
Thank you Michael.
Michael
Does it bother me that I wasnt invited to Michaels dinner party?
Hello.
We came here to eat dinner and to party
So can we come in?
Hmmm... Mmm... great turkey leg.
Angela
Hey hey hey hey.   I know you love beet salad. Ive seen you eat it many times.
Purely carnal and thats all you need to know.
Fine. Get outta here.
Get out of my way
Michael can come home with me.
You people.   Come on. Youre sleeping with me.
Im gonna take you home Michael.
Alright.
Write legibly people.
OK
I wrote that. Michael
That is fantastic. Thank you
The furniture company gave me the name of the advertising agency. They gave me the name of the photographer. The photographer
She was so young and now she is dead. As dead as every dead animal who has ever died.
Why dont you sit down? Michael... come on.   Here we go. Yeah.
Jim
You know what you need? Closure.
There was a woman in your life who affected you very deeply
Come on. Ill drive.
I guess you could say she died of blunt force trauma and blood loss. She got in a car accident and plowed into the side of an airplane hanger.
Yeah.
She was stoned apparently.
You wait until next years chair catalog comes out and you find someone whos still alive.
Yeah.
Rhythm and blues...
Youve got a ton of dandruff.
Taste good too.
Wow! Lot of calories.
Hey Michael
Question.
Why am I being forced to come in tomorrow and pretend that a website made sales that I made?
I dont understand why our website has to have social networking at all.
Yeah!
No
With s*x!
Fire hazard.
Women look like white slaves.
Hey
No
Do you live in a regular sized house?
Good.
Well its weevil season but we were prepared.
They lay their eggs inside the unripe beet root
Youve already been several times.
Maybe you have some kinda bladder infection.
Ill order you some cranberry juice.
Do you have powers?
to tall woman in front of him
How did you all find each other?
Amazons.
Ok
OK. You know what
Wait
Oh.
Its not safe. Anything could have been in there.   Nice try.
I do
No
Uh huh.   Im not gonna call her.
Wow.
All right.
Nice.
I got sofa. I got sofa.
I got floor.
Do you want me to sing you a song my mother used to sing me
Its a lullaby.
I think his species might have a higher tolerance than ours.
OK. Good night Ryan.
Come on!
Can you breathe?
Hold your breath.
Ready?
And... go.   Force it in as deep as you can.
Andy and Angela seem very happy... I hope nothing horrible ever happens to them.
Unh! Scratch.
Uh
This cars crap. I will buy it for next to nothing.
Well
Yes.
You know what? You knock $1500 of the price right now
Seal the deal. Lets do it. Lets do this thing. Three
Five
Now. Now. Now.
Say it. Do it. Now.
Do it now.
Do it. Shake my hand. You will sell me this car. Shake my hand.
Jim is in charge of Stanley only in sales-related matters
There is this yellow zigzag that does give Ryan the authority to discipline Stanley...
However
Menstrual cycles.
You.
Well
All you have to do it say it.
Just say it.
Say it. Just do it. Dont think
So... All right
Rocka doopa deepa do POW! Shacka do DO! Oh! Whats Dwight up to? Oh probably nothing. Racka do do dee do-do do-do! Sha-KA!
Its my car now.
Yeah
Ive got a Madlib for you : a stupid
Maybe hes going to church. Or court.
Excuse me
I will tell on you.
Thank you.  hangs up phone
Michael
So... what else is up?   Mich-
hums at copier
Ah-choo!
Thank you.
Youre welcome.
Hello
Hello? Hello?
Jim
Uh
This man is an imposter! Do not do business with him! This is not Dwight Schrute!
K
Woah
Pam! You are not talking to Dwight right now. You are talking to Jim.
No!   Pam
Disconnect that right now. You give me your earpiece.
Ugh! Okay
Argh! Ahh!!
So what do we know about her?
I hate her too.
Because she... stinks... with her... ways... and her... head.
Would that be such a bad thing?
What?
But our
Have you been introduced to Kevin?
Hes here on a special work program. Hes slow
Yeah.
Hazing is a fun way to show a new employee that she is not welcome or liked.
Accounting department
You did.
You made me wrap it. I thought it was over the line. I just-
Oh my gosh.
Yes.
You have it?
Okay
Mose!
N-nothing you need to know the details of.
N-no theres not.
It was playful hazing.
Its not rabid.
Get it out. Come on
Well... its my own fault.
What?
Question: Has anyone recently offended a Gypsy?
Mmm.
My cousin Moses best friend was a dog. One day
Yes
Printing press. Tractor. Mechanical thresher. Telephone. Airplane. The only inventions that matter.
They fall under the category of airplanes.
Correct.
Thats an excellent analogy.
Vaccines are for chumps!
My mom didnt believe in vaccines. I got my smallpox the old-fashioned way. And I survived. So... jokes on you hospitals.
What?
Its called being a man. You should try it sometime.
I was born a man
I stopped shaving because my girlfriend broke up with me. Am I in pain? Hell
Hey. The way I see it
No
What?
What...
I was aware that you were speaking.
What is the matter with... me?
Im... discombobulated.
I need help.
State your business!
That is impossible. Unless you mean gonorrhea.
Yes
Stay out of this
Yeah
Okay
Arr
We had already applauded.
Wait! I wanted to sit next to you.
Okay
Woohoo!
Scranton rules!
Pam is down for anything.
Yeah. We shoulda brought Andy. I cut a chunk out of my pen1s for nothing.
You wanted to see me?
Im on it.
Jim
Now
And this... is a Hassenfass. Case-hardened steel. One side
Look at that. Perfectly balanced. This is a fine precision instrument.
Dont you want a sheath for that?
Anything else? Flint...
Parka...
Tent
Mmmnnnnmmm...
Ill tell you about my ideal dinner party. John Wilkes Booth. Lee Harvey Oswald. Osama Bin Laden. John Wayne Gacy. Jeffrey Lionel Dahmer. Oh hey guys
Michaels dinner party is for couples only
Okay
Your bill
You occupied the America room for six weeks. Thats our most popular room.
Right. Because you were in the America room. In an election year.
We dont take debit cards
Ohhh
I am so sorry. Im so sorry
Thatll come out of the upholstery. Oh
Its dehydration. He went to the bathroom at the club like fifteen times.
Friends with a hobbit.
Hazel. Theyre hazel.
Stop! Dont look at me. On the counter you will find bread
Really make one.
Will you please? Make a sandwich. Now
The website is hiding
Yes
Troy! What are you doing here?
Where is Ryan?
Welcome to our land.
Can I get you a tankard of mead?
Looks serious.
Troy
Maybe I do. Enough of your magical riddles!
From this point forward
No
There. Take those home to your wife.
Michael
Hit the scales
Wait a minute. One more bite of eclair each. Hold it in your mouth if you cant swallow.
Wait a minute. Pam is on the scale.
Family only.

Fax this for me.
Its not gonna take her 10 minutes to fax it
Ahh. We done good in there
Monkey.
Lets do this thing.
OK
Come on
All right
Shotgun weddings.
Obesity-caused illnesses.
Michael
They should not be in that room.
Yeah!
Not that guy who murdered his mother. He was not so handsome. Also Kevin.
Partys over. You are so busted!
Happy Birthday
Attention! Attention! We only have a few weeks left.   And most of you are just as fat as the day we began.
I am hardly the problem
This is what Im gonna do. Im gonna randomly select three names and these three people will get liposuction. Uhhhhh Stanley
Hello Phyllis. Do you have a minute? Listen. Im really sorry... about what I said before. Ok? I was way out of line.
But you know what
Sixty - forty. Hm?   Ill drive.
Hey
And you burned over a thousand calories walking home. And this branch just got a little bit closer to winning the contest. Phyllis Vance
Yeah
No
Vamping.
Eh
She should thank me.
I apologize for creating a ruse which forced you to exercise.
We better.
Yes
I do not! I do not say Hi Pam!
What are you writing about me?
Im gonna write you both up for not working.
Ok

God. Where is Jim?
What are you smiling about there smiley pants? Youre late.
Dripping on me.
Shes not a virgin
trying to assist Michael
Yes.
What should we be working on while you guys are talking?
Its a trick question. The bread is poisoned. Also
Time thief. Time thief! Fire him!
Never!
What are you doing?
Oh
There is no way that that was---
Ok.  Dwight turns around
None of your business.
Dwight stares at Angela
Yes
Hey Michael?
Contractions are coming every ten minutes.
My cervix is ripening.
Michael! My waters breaking!
Aaaaaaaa! What do you do? What do you do?
Right. Highways or surface roads?
No
Its about adapting to the circumstances.
No. OK
The pressure! The pressure!
Aaaaaaaa!
Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up
Hold me!
Cradle my head!
Im screaming
Numb me up. I want anesthesia!
No! I dont want natural!
OK!
Aaaaaaaa!
Do you have the Sharpie?!
Do you have the Sharpie?!
OK! When the baby emerges
Ready?!
Aaaaaaaa!
Butter. Newborns are slippery.
Whos Sarah Kayacombsen?
Oh no...
Jan had the baby and Michael wasnt there to mark it. So the baby could be anybodys. Except Michaels.
Huh. Twelve hundred dollars for a stroller? Phhhbt.
Twelve hundred dollars is what I spent on my whole bomb shelter. For that kind of money
Dont hit the fence. Oh no
Dont get stuck on the barbed wire!
Playtime is over!
I like to call this... the bumper test.
Oh. I took the liberty of putting it in your trunk.
You set a date?
A knife.
You got a better way?
About what?
I know none of that. If I did
She introduced me to so many things. Pasteurized milk
I was talking to myself.
I just dont get it.
Why is she marrying Andy?
Thats really fattening.
Bravo
Ugh.
Get in.
I know she loves me
Are you sure thats going to work?
Wait
Listen to me close. Cause Im only gonna say this once. You either break off your engagement with that singing buffoon
I said I was only gonna say this once. You have until 6:14 PM. 6:14!
Hey Phyllis
I had to get your attention. This is an emergency.
Listen
Okay
Wait
Oh. I get it. Youre trying to secure your place as head of the party-planning committee. Youre just being selfish.   And you slap like a girl.
What did Phyllis do wrong? Ill tell you what Phyllis did wrong. She stuck her nose into my business and tried to help me.
300 and one penny.
350 and one penny.
400 and one penny.
500 and one penny.
700 and one penny.
Eh
Hm mm mm mm. Want to see a magic trick? Heh heh heh! Im gonna make a pencil disapp-- oh!  elevator doors close
Good morning temp.
Thought Id go casual today. Morning everyone. Good morning. Hello. How are you Phyllis?
Andy.
No I get it. I totally understand. And uh
Well if somebody who barely out-sells Phyllis
I meant that as a compliment to you Phyllis
Cornell is a good school
Hey there. So uh
Not so. Cornell is an excellent school. Without its agricultural program
Someday
Excuse me?
Andy
What do you say?
Andy
Thats a conflict of interest.
Interview.
What?
Okay.
Bring it.
Dale Raymond Corson!
Hmm
On the contrary
Well
Interviewer is threatening applicant with an arbitrary review process.
Interviewer has suspect motives.
Interviewer has turned off applicants interest in Cornell
And you will be hearing from the -
-Cornell Application Department
And you will not be pleased with the result.
And your affiliation with Cornell -
Will end completely!
That is all sir
Where did you get those?
I see what you are doing. But I do not know where you are going with this.
Cornell.
I heard someone got engaged
Oh
Bring it on.
Sorry.
What does it say?
Thats impossible.
I sell more paper than anyone.
Wait
No
Impossible to say. I cant see myself.
What are you mumbling about?
None of your business.
Those cant be my scores
Im being sabotaged.
And Im going to find that person and punish them.
Youre an idiot.
No way.
I didnt say anything
What do you think I am saying to you?!
Ive caught Jim talking to himself several times today. What a loser. Get a friend
All right
Hello
Excellent
What is your name
Really
Yes
What? No
Oh
Sorry
OK
OK
...never been lower!
Buttlicker! Our prices have never been lower!
He --
Please
Please give me another chance. Mr. Buttlicker.
I have to put you on with my boss.
shakes fist
You are the master.
Dont do it
Get in!
Get in!
Shh.  turns radio up loud
They might be listening to us
You never know. Better safe than sorry.
Who stands to benefit from our downfall?
Could be the mob. But then Dunder-Mifflin would need to be a front for money laundering
I dont know. Two
Who are you talking to?
Shes not here
Wait
Shh. Do you hear that?
Breathing. Is that you?
Well
Ha!
Hear anything interesting?
I think you know.
What are you up to
Of course I am. I know youre the mastermind
Ah!
OK.
The reason that I got bad customer reviews is because I didnt! There is a massive conspiracy going on here
No.
No. Why? No.
Oh
Obviously. I knew it.
Yeah. What?
I was -- I was right.
I was right.
I knew it.
I knew it the whole time
Yeah! Woo-hoo!
I knew it! Yeah! Ha-ha! Woo!   Boom! Kelly the whole time. Lets get her.
Let me paint you a picture of a little girl from southern India
Oh
We have our confession. Im calling security.
I want to be here when you fire her ass.
Is that the Matsuhashi B-400? The worlds tiniest Bluetooth?   May I?
Congratulations on choosing Schrute Farms for your wedding.
Well
While I describe to you the Excalibur package. In addition to the breathtaking natural beauty and smell of Schrute Farms
While you
OK.
You already said deal.
Wait
Do you have your money belt?
No
Here
Do you want to get robbed in a foreign country? I wash my hands of this.

Who is that monkey?
Know what?
Oh
Have you seen her painting
What? Are there two suns?
Last I checked
Its totally unrealistic. There are no lines in the parking lot.
Youre back.
Good. I need you to make five copies of these.
Alright. First thing in the morning then.
Brownies is it? Hm. Pastry cubes made of sugar and fat? No thank you
To socialize. And inform.
He looks great.
Well rested.
Also
Okay
I love catching people in the act. Thats why I always whip open doors.
Okay
I am the bait.
Men find me desirable.
Oh
Mmhmm.
Men find me desirable.
Those are fighting words.
I hope he doesnt haul off and just hit you.
Hmmm?
Come on.   Baaah!
Hit him! Hit him
Ryan. Come on
Punch him as hard as you possibly can in the face.
Are you really not going to punch him?
I thought you were going to parcel those out through the day
Theres still one thing we could do to get Toby fired.
Frame him
Yeah
Oh Ive framed animals before. I framed a raccoon for opening a Christmas present. And I framed a bear for eating out of the garbage.
Yes
Hey
Officers
Search his things.
They dont need your permission
Save your whining for the jury there
No! Michael
So wait a minute
Gahh
Wait
You have laws that protect you in any kind of interrogation. Why dont you use them?
What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffanys at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No
Yeah
Mmhmm.
How could it be more clear?
Okay.
Well dig a trench. As long as its downhill from the well
Well were not gonna put out stumps
This is where youll have your receiving line. Of course well clear out all the livestock and hay and such.
Youre gonna need to be more specific.
Manure covers up the small of the slaughterhouse.
You wanna eat
...Ill consider it.
Theres a hose out back.
Have you made a decision on the butter sculpture?
Okay. Cow
Cats dont make butter.
It doesnt make any sense.
Cow
Heres another place.
So... why dont we try this out
He doesnt understand a word youre saying.
Although born just minutes from here
And there we go. Okay
I know you did. And thats why I have taken care of everything.
Well Monkey
Yes
It does in the state of Pennsylvania.
Haha
Wha...
My... Its not my fault you dont understand German  Ive been telling you to take it for years!
What is this?
Youre so pathetic. How long did this take you? Three hours?
Yeah
Really? If I can skin a mule deer in less than ten minutes
These are not dolls
Every year I do research to determine which toy will be the most popular of the Christmas season. This year its a doll. Half girl
I am simply punishing those parents that would wait till the last minute to get their child a gift. And such a genetically improbable one. Look at that. How does that happen? King has s*x with a unicorn? Man with a horn has s*x with a royal horse?
They are now.
All right.
Oh
Merry Christmas.
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-ka-ching.
We got a live one! On fire!!
Aye.
No
Actually
I stab her in the brain with a wooden stick.
There are several ways to kill a zombie
Oh
She is a hazard to the other people of the office.
I suppose I could do it if it was a controlled burn in a well ventilated area.
Oh right
Really?
$200.
Oh
Not my problem.
Well dont look so surprised.
Aah!
Yes!
I was just jogging.
Wait
No. You cant do that. It shouldnt come from you.
Seems like you already know where.
Trade seats with me.
Ive got a better angle on Pam. I can see everything.
I need a soup spoon.
Rule 17 : dont turn your back on bears

Youve got to tell Andy about us.
Get it over with. Then we dont have to hide anymore.
Do you love me or not?
Because youre engaged to Andy.
Not yet.
Angela said she was going to tell him. Shes just not ready.
I dont know.
Yes.
Eager.
And flexible.
Michael
Might get ugly.
to Michael
If Im sitting
If Im sitting
Andy.
Oh good. She broke up with you.
Uh
No I dont.
Well I dont know about that
Will never be her name.
I dont think so.
And Im telling you that I will never back down.
Oh really? How are you gonna do that?
That is very general
Okay
Fine!
What is your weapon?
Hey
Yes!
Outside of work.
None of your business then.   Good. So what weapon?
That is stupid. I will use a sword and I will cut off your bare hands.
I will also be talking my break at the exact same time and in the same location.
Mm.
Howd that get there?
Come on! Where are you? Lets do this thing! Come on! Come on out!
Come on!
Where are you?
Come on
Alas
Whoa! What are you! Hey! Hey!
Come on! Ow! Ah! Aah!
Never!   Get out and face me like a man!
Youre not a man! You dont know how to take care of her!   All you do is dress fancy and sing.   La la la la la la la la la la! What does that mean? You cant even protect her!
Last year
No. My right ones falling asleep a little bit.
Yeah
I sa-
Sasquatches are the strongest animal on the planet! So fine
What?
Shes sleeping with you?
She said she was only sleeping with me.

as Jim is collecting weapons
Whats this?
Hmm. It wasnt here before.
Yours doesnt.
No
What if the owner of Prince Family Paper has a beautiful daughter and we have to seduce her in order to get their secrets?
No
Please Michael
Youll fall in love with her.
Okay
Your fictitious name?
I am a paper salesman looking for a new job. I find out everything about their expenses and salaries.
Then we meet at the Dennys...
...and then we compare notes.
No!
You know how I feel about IHOP.
Are you socialist?
Ill have a cup of a coffee.
Store only has three employees.
It means they are not expanding.
No.
No because their sign is centered perfectly above their store. No sign of the sign being moved.
Its lunch time
Which Means theyre not acquiring new business. So once again no growth.
Oh
Get your clouds right.
So you go in now
Yeah.
Hello
Why dont you just get rid of this guy?
Im your son now  you can visit him on holidays. Dwight Schrute
Pshaw
Me too.
My boss
Its going very well.
Excuse me sir
Thank you very much.
Thank you for your time I look forward to getting your calls.
Cmon.
All their top clients I cant believe it.
Someones looking out the window. Go go
You drove over that. Go back  car hits divider
Thats not good.
Oh my God.
Oh man
Not good.
Yeah.
Youve done more then you can possibly know.
He drove over the divider and then backed over it and caused the..
How much longer is this going to take?
This is disgusting
I look forward to hearing from you about that job application.
Goodbye prince family
punches Michael on the arm
Its simple
They could do better.
What?
Im not familiar with that expression
It doesnt make sense
Michael
Your heart is a wonderful thing
Yes.
Yeah.
Yeah
There was a terrible war
Yeah.
Good
Where are you taking the client list?
Michael
Freeze
No no no
Its business
Its over
Guess whose stock just went up
Last week I gave a fire safety talk.   And nobody paid any attention. Its my own fault for using PowerPoint. PowerPoint is boring. People learn in a lot of different ways
Does anyone smell anything smoky?

Oh
Oh
No
Whats the procedure
Wait
No! No
Not a viable option.
Okay
Oh! Heres a door. Check that one out. Hows the handle?
Well
Back to our options. Jeez! Ok! settle down everyone. No bunching!
Things can be replaced
Okay
Calm
Have you ever seen a burn victim?
Okay! Procedure
A what? A rag. A damp rag
Whats next?
How about 911? Anyone? 911.  Michael throws a chair at the window
Use the surge of fear and adrenaline to sharpen your decision-making.
Attention everyone! Employees of Dunder Mifflin! This has been a test of our emergency preparedness. There is no fire. It was only a simulation.
Fire not real. This was merely a training exercise.   So
A lot of ideas were not appreciated in their time.
Shampoo.
I just want to say for the record
Yes I shouted fire!. I shouted many things! I also shouted instructions on how to get out of the building
When no one hedded--
N-no one would take hedded of my instructions.
So
And
Hee-heeding this right now.
No.
PETA.
Well... I guess we papered over that pretty nicely.   It always amuses me when corporate thinks they can make some big change with a twenty minute meeting in some fancy high-rise. Whats the matter? You hungry?
Dont you worry about that. I got it covered. Okay?
I am planning a bomb scare that should really get the blood pumping.
What? You?
Come on.
Thats preposterous.
This is a farce. I should be teaching this course.
Absolutely I would not.
Okay
Anyone else?
Wrong. Ehh. Check for an organ donor card. If he has one
He is.
Get me some ice and a styrofoam bucket.   Here we go.
We search for the organs. Wheres the heart? The precious heart.
Clarice?
I didnt think it was very realistic in the movie and it turns out
Wow.
I have.
I state my regret.
I could not
Yeah
Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors.
Speaking of which...
May I have your attention please? Sign in
That was the last signature I needed.
How dare you all attack him like this.
Michael is your superior.
Okay
Ok
Youre interrupting me. Im trying to get your back.
Are you calling me an idiot?
Dont you ever talk to me that way. You pathetic
Its very unusual for Michael not to show up to work. My guess? Hes either deeply depressed
Attention everyone I just got a text from Michael. He says personnel day. Are we hiring?
Oh
Got it.
Hey. Why are you wearing a turtleneck?
Excuse me
Go ahead
I insist.
What he said was...
...there was a problem with having one head of the party planning committee. She becomes too powerful
I am a paper salesman
If you say screw you one more time...
Hey
Oh God.
What kind of cake do you want imbecile.
Well
They match the carpet
Its a statement of fact.
This is more professional. Its not like she discovered a cure for cancer.
Are you trying to hurt my feeling? Because if so
Have you collected the money from everyone?
How much do you have?
Thats how much you and I contributed! I... Damn it Jim!

Damn it!   Dwight Schrute.
Who is this?
Mose doesnt know how to use a phone. So jokes on you.
Uh
Ill call you back.
I have here Kelly Kapoors personal and confidental file. Allow me to share.   Kelly Kapoor spent April 1995 to December 1996 at Berks County Youth Center. Juvie. According to past employers
What did you do?
What did you do?
What did you learn in there? I bet you learned things
Why dont you tell Jim where you were from ages 14 to 15.
In juvie.
Juvie... nile... Detention Center. Where they send teenagers!
For reha-
What did you do? Huh?
Yeah
I thought you said yesterday was your birthday!
Frosting.
Nice job on the cake
Busy!
Oh
You know what? Im a little busy.
Its not effeminate. Its festive.
blowing up balloon
Its in the name.
Youre right
Heres one. It was dark
Schrutes dont celebrate birthdays
Thats cool. Hey
Hey
Told you.
Our theme
Thats our theme.
Oh
No.
Okay
Move it! Lets go
Okay
Mm
opens door to wake Kelly
Ayyyy!
So sexy it becomes hostile.
Yeah
Having trouble finding a vein?
How about now?
I train my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also
Youre right. OK everyone
A net? a giant net?
What do you have in mind?
Oh God
No.
Lonely people mixing with one another? Breeding? Creating an even lonelier generation? Ha
Hey. No movement.
Eh
Im ok. Feel a little lopsided because of all the blood they took out of my right side.
Oh. Meh.
Eh.
Hello.
Dwight K. Schrute. Why dont you introduce me to your little friend?   Hi
I can untie any knot. Im serious. Name a knot
You shouldnt believe everything you hear. In fact
You must use a lot of paper.
...and the kind of discounts were talking about are not... hold on - Michael
Is somebody after you?
Hey
Oh
So basically
OK
Oh-oh-oh before you go
OK. Well
Thanks
I got a knock-knock joke.
OK
Knock
KGB.
We will ask the questions!
What are you doing?
Hey! Hey! Stop it! Stop it!
Cmon. What are you doing? Mine was a part of my hilarious joke.
Im not answering it.
No way
Im not answering that. You answer it.
Im not gonna answer it
Its true.
That was your idea.
You did. Several times. Over and over again.
You were dressed as Willy Wonka so...
Wasnt my idea. Loved - but I cant.
You dont keep a diary.
Hold that thought.     March... 4th. Michael Scott came up with golden ticket idea to give five customers ten perfect off for one year.
To keep secrets from my computer.
Impossible.
I wasnt given candy as a child
Had conversation with Michael about taking credit for an idea that wasnt mine. Discussed movies.
With all my heart.
OK
No... How skin is the largest organ of the body.
Oh
I did fall on my sword once. I was running with it in my belt. Wont happen again.
What about Shoe La La?
I love working here and I do not want to leave.
Well...
We discussed the fact that Im cooped up here instead of experiencing the whole wide world.
No plowing my own acres. Going around shirtless all day. You know experiencing freedom.
Try me.
I havent made a decision yet.
No.
He said he would do the same for me.
Im gonna go back to work. After I write you up for insubordination.
David... youre welcome.
Thats what she said!
Inspiration.
You never know when its gonna strike. Just... boom.
Apology rejected.
Oh Pam.
Thanks old man.
Yeah.
Cause Ive got this idea...
Alright.
OK guys
So I love Willy Wonka. That golden ticket scene is so inspiring to me that thats where I cam up with that idea  .
Pam...
That is my idea.
It is my idea.
It is my idea. Im filled with good ideas. Thousands of good ideas.
Horse Boat.
A canoe built around your horse so you can go from riding to water travel without slowing down. Horse Boat!
Oh give me a break.
Thats because theyre easy!
Womens urinals... uh...
Yes
Oh I am. In my own words.
No.
No
No!
Ding dong.
KGB.
When you are done
We have more houses to visit.
We will come back at... how is   4:45?
How about 5:15?
Very well
Michael
Followed by a fifteen minute moment of silence.
Jim! Enough with the classy
Michael
Oh
Mr. Peanut is not classy.
He is a regular peanut. He just happens to have a cane
Ok
Well
I said that!  storms out
Originally founded in 1866
Well finish it up later
What about your party?
Ask him about the party.
No the other thing.
He hung up?
Oh
Hey there
Hows it hanging?
Good. Listen
Excellent.
Any really good headhunter would storm your village at sunset with overwhelming force and cut off your head with a ceremonial knife
Do you want me to translate the German instructions for you?
Typical American ignorance that got us involved in a war we never should have been in. World War II.
Deutsch... let me see here. That is either an incense dispenser
My German is pre-industrial and mostly religious.
Your own paper company.
Right...
What a courageous venture.
Location is hard for me
Okay. So yeah.
You know
No.
Hustle!
Way to go.
What?
This is how I breathe.
If you want to tell me -
Oh no! The new boss does not find Jim adorable! Ohhhh!
Really
Wow.
You can be so modest sometimes.
Maybe you and Charles should kick the soccer ball around.
Maybe you will tonight after work. What do you say?
Great ideas are just part of what I bring to the table.
I dont try and be anything that Im not.
Jim
Game on!
Wing.
Yeah
Let me check.   Oh nope! Clearly a hunter. Who knows how to throw an outfit together.
Yes
You know theres a ghost in this office
A woman was murdered on this very floor in 1816. Haddie McGonagle. She was a prostitute.
Oh
Yeah isnt it? She was bludgeoned to death by the business end of a riding crop.
It was gruesome. They say she walks these hallways. If you ever feel a tapping on your shoulder?
That could be Haddie. Begging for her life. And it could mean
Just kidding. You finding everything okay?
Yeah?
Erin   Erin...
Hey buddy.
Hey buddy
Listen
Well
And I
No no no.
Look I just want you and I to hang out so
Youre good.
Oh its good
Hey you want to sing with me? Almost heaven...
In German! Leben ist dort alt
Take it Andy! Take me home
Cherry Pie
No! Really?
Enter Sandman
Rebel Yell
Really?
These sleeves are cutting off my circulation. Not enough blood getting to my hands.
Doesnt Charles know hes compromising my attack readiness? Its not a dress code. Its a death sentence.
Kay
When Michael was in charge
Hey. Eds Tires is thinking of making a change.
They have some great kitchen ideas.
Its small
Thanks
Wh- I dont need $6 to help a friend.
Michael
But dont forget you owe me $10.
Michael.
You needed to speak to me?
I prefer to stand. Less blood clots.
Do you mean compared to the ways things ran with other bosses? Comparisons are hard.
Your concern is noted.
Like a wolf. Thank you.
Really?
Its firm.
I dont know that I can do that now. You know
No
Imagine... Someone has a personal hero they really wanna help. But then theres this new guy. Very cool
Good
No.
No.
It is possible that I could be talking about us.
It is the situation that we are in now.
Im not a barbarian.
I will.
Yes?
Ive said too much.
Im sorry
I did
Dwight Schrute.
I think you have the wrong number
Mr. Schofield
Dammit!
I have a long term relationship with Harper Collins publishers and Mr. Schofield. Im not worried.
And you have bad skin. Oh
And no
Michael has been talking to my biggest client. Master and apprentice pitted against one another for the fate of the greater Scranton area paper market. So its not exactly like Highlander
I would like to arrange a truce.
Meet me in our spot in four minutes.
Michael.
In which direction?
At what time?
That-
Michael.   Sorry.
Michael.
You were making me do things that were not all right.
And not come through for you?
I want a truce.
Let me take you and your whole company out for lunch at Alfredos.
I had fish yesterday.
Oh
I hit a bear.
Hes technically fine. I imagine the true horror will be when he wakes up in a zoo.   Hey
Ok
Did you enjoy your lunch?
No
Me.
I broke it.
Yes.
You think this is some kind of game? No
And I knew that you would do that. The meatball parm is their worst sandwich!
Hi there. Dwight Schrute here. I was just calling to see if Michael Scott Paper was meeting all of your paper needs
Schrute comma Dwight. And on the back he wrote
And say hello to Cheri
Sure. Thatd be fine.
This is war and that is what happens.
Oh
Michael! Michael!
Dont let him in! Hes a traitor! Michael!
Are you saying you invented paper?
Its not the soil! Its the manure! Paper is the manure! On-time delivery is the soil! Aah!
Spin move.
Ha ha! April 13th
I barge because I care. April 13th
La la la! Continuing. Notice my persistence and recall. Continuing! You called Dunder Mifflin
Come on.
What hes not telling you is that he will abandon you.
Thank you
How is Tom
Shame
Its not your fault. Some people just dont want to be inspired.
Been there
David Wallace! Hello
Come along
Stupid. Yeah
I say we fill Michaels office with bees. My apiarist owes me a favor.
No
Five minutes exactly.
Sure thing.
Idiot
Let me float something out there
There is a hive of bees outside the front door. We kidnap the queen
Oh
You know what? Why dont I do it
Well
May I have your attention? The Michael Scott Paper Company is broke.
Theyve been calling all of their clients and begging them to pay more money. That can only mean one thing. Theyre desperate. Which can only mean one thing. Theyre total failures.
Quiet you.
You dont crack a case. That has pejorative connotation. Thats like calling a policeman a cop. You solve a case
Im gonna answer Charles first.
Okay
Done.
Im not-- Im not following you.
Wh--
Wh--what are you doing?
Wait
Yeah
You were bought out. So the company then bought out all of the stolen clients.
Fresh hot ink.
Trust me
No
When held over heat the invisible ink will reveal that everyone should meet at the warehouse immediately. Do not ask me where I got the invisible ink. Urine. It was urine.
Okay
Did you even read the memo?
No
Stop doing rhyming poetry. Just tell them
Were in crisis mode here
No
Stanley
He doesnt like it.
Her face is okay
Get out! We need to do something. Im thinking maybe a coup or we take Ryan hostage.
No
Excellent question.
Words will never be enough.
No
Oh. Well
Cmon.   Guys. Psst
Lunch.
Its pony.
Whoa
Thats my client.
Give me the phone.
Give me the phone. Tell him Dwight Schrute wants to talk to him.
Hi
Hey
Dwight Schrute here. Hey
I know times are tough right now
Ah! Mr. Bart! Ugh!  slams phone down  I cannot believe you lost that account. He was my client for ten years!
Youre a secretary! What do you know?
And youre a temp and Im taking your phone. Im confiscating this.
We want our clients back or we quit
No
Right.
Gasp. Are you talking about a secret meeting?
I dont know that first things about secret meetings.
Ill do--
Ill do the best I can.
Deceit does not come easy to me.
Thats fair.
Listen up
No.
Thats debatable.
Shut up.
I got her!
I do.
Erin
Now
Attention
It is a big deal. Cause theres only a handful of reasons why someone would ever go to a courthouse in Ohio and not be charged with a crime. To claim an inheritance from a deceased relative. To obtain a learners permit at age 14 and a half instead of 15. Erin
No.
All work and no play makes Michael a dull boy.
Hey! Hey
Who tipped you over? Was it Phillip?
Yeah. Back injuries are common. Not as common as knee injuries but more common than wrist injuries.
What do you think history is?
Out of the way! Move it or lose it!
You want to get sick you go to the hospital.
Im gonna need two able bodied men.
You comfy? Alright? Alright. Relax. Relax
Come on. Relax. The shirt wasnt doing you any favors. If my assessment in correct
No kidding! She sits three feet from me. Its the most annoying thing.   Its like children singing Christmas carols.
Tell me where it hurts.
Oh yeah. youve got a knot in your crest. This remedy has been passed down in my family for generations. and it always works. My grandfather was told that Diamond Dancer would never race again. they were wrong. He came in 9th in the Apple Creek Derby and his jerky came in 3rd the following year. A majestic beast. So fast. So tender.
This is oil from the gland of an otter. It keeps their fur water resistant
Whoa! Whoa
Im gonna with the python.
No. Please. I find the rattle soothing. It puts me to sleep.
Whats so funny?
Ordinarily I would say no but you need to move to reduce lactic acid build-up. Also
You cant steal what is legally your property.
What do you need from me?
Normally I dont condone leaving early
Like clockwork.
Bye Michael!  all applaud and cheer
Im gonna say 30.
Good point
Of course. You think the EPA would ever allow that much DEET?
Rolph is my best friend. We met in a shoe store. I heard him asking for a shoe that could increase his speed and not leave any tracks.
Listen up everyone! Ive gone over this lineup very carefully. We cannot forget the humiliation we suffered last year at the softball game with Jims whole spider-in-the-mitt incident. Right?
Erin
Why? I dont understand.
Woah
Ill tell you what
Sly dog.
Come on
Ohh! Oh
I couldve gotten that
Its not a sledgehammer! Come on

playing volleyball
Rule violation. Ball is ours. Give it to me. Our point. Okay. Hey
Yes! We advance to the next round!
Hit it Andy!
Dont set it to yourself!
What happened?
You werent even moving.   Okay
Okay
Listen guys
Hey
Because if we dont play
Okay
Rolph
Rolph
Pam!
Tell you what. I spotted a small hospital a few kilometers south of here. Get her back as soon as possible. Ill stall em.
Oh man
Okay. Fine.
Except
No
Seven? Can I finish please?
Eight?
walking on Pams desk
stands on his hands kicking open bathroom doors as Andy films
Andy! Leapfrog!
Yeah!  Dwight jumps on Andys back
Okay.
Jump over the camera! Jump over the camera!  Michael feebly attempts to jump off car
Lets do it!
Good. Excellent. Thank you.
chugs water
Go put them all in random order.
Then come back here for your next assignment concerning their order.
Okay
He most definitely does. Hes been asking her out repeatedly for weeks. She finally said yes. They went out on a group date the other night  apparently it went very well.
People tell me things. I guess I have a face you can trust. I think its because of my low cheekbones. And... boom.  finishes typing
Stanleys way past the middle of his life. Especially considering his height to weight ratio.
Present these to the dean for credit. And
grabs card from Eric
Look at the intern to your left. Now to your right.   One of you will do exceedingly well in business
Michael...  leads Michael to corner of vestibule
Whos the father?
Hmmm
Oh really
Nnnnn
Im talking about... hmmm.
So long Darryl
Oh? From who
Since when have you known Darryl to rush to do anything other than to come up here for birthday cake?   Yall having birthday cake?
Please... and how many foremen do you know that pull boxes?
It just doesnt add up.
Nah
I have been my whole life.
Im rebuilding a turn of the century steam engine in my slaughter house.
Yeah.
Yeah
Wa... wa... wait
Here
Oh
Toby...
Ooohhh...   Oh man! You okay?
I need to see your pupils. I need to see if theyre dilated.
We thought that she was you.
Are you... are you serious? Be... cause you look exactly alike. Am I the only one? Are you getting this?
Aww
Wait! Theyre using the lift as their own personal elevator.
He broke his ankle climbing over the railing and he lied about it because it was a misuse of company equipment
Really? Then why is there new wood only on one railing? Hmmm? We should check the security tapes Toby.
Yes!
Now
Phhhht. No judge is gonna believe that...
Okay people
Im... I was making it.
AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Could you please sign my expense report?
Sign this.
Sign it.
Idiot.
I have a complaint about Jim.
I would like to file a huge
Jim wont sign my expense report.
No
This has to do--
Id like to lodge a complaint.
You!
One minute ago.
Angry.
No.
No.
No.
Wait
Im not cr-- uhh!
I deserved that promotion
This is ridiculous! How could he do this to us?!
What about all these people
Her kid needs shoes
And Jim!
I think it was Creed.
People are starting to notice how terrible Jim is. Its great. Eventually
Come on in.   Thats right. Come in
Things were not this bad when just Michael was manager.
Are we idiots?  gets up
No
Pam is constantly throwing up because of the pregnancy. If she eats something the fetus doesnt like she is screwed. Its amazing. A three ounce fetus is calling the shots. Its so bad ass.
Oh
Come on. Youve got to be kidding me.
Well see.
But you can say that about anything.
What happens in accounting
Its easy. Thats what Im saying.
I stole the guest list from Jims desk and I search engined every female on both sides of the family.
Yes.
For instance
Two years ago she was selling a mountain bike.
Well... she was really into mountain biking but not so much lately.
She had a couple hundred dollars to spend
Well
What? No way!
Oh. God.
You know what? I made you a cd...
Mmm-hmm.
This is to play when you bring a woman back to your hotel room.
Youre gonna like this.   Hello. This is Dwight Schrute. If you are listening to this you are a lucky woman Michael has seduced. Ah to be in your shoes. Whats next?
Yeah. Its practical.
The proximity to the falls makes everything smell like a basement.
Dwight Schrute. I have a reservation. Confirmation number: Romeo. Tango. G7745.
And I had spoken to Teresa about a room with two safes?
Ok.
No way. What if I meet someone?
No. No.
You would?
Really?
Wait a second. Oh. No
Oh no. Now that I dont have a room
Please?
Mmm-hmm.
Ok. Ok. A-ha-ha!   That was a test. You have failed. For this is my room. You would not share with me.
No you do not.
It worked.
From quarter three to quarter four up 17 percent
Excellent question. Because while I was busy trying to improve the company and make it a success
Thats right. It is ew. It is very ew.
Its just for family.
Isabel Poreba. Oh
Thats a very good record.
Knight Rider.
No.
Very smart.
What? Its a casual
No. Theyre howling at the moon. Its suggestive to women because of the howling during s*x.
Im just worried about the farm
Nine and three-quarters.
I invented a device called Burger on the Go. It allows you to obtain 6 regular size hamburgers
Michael.
Drop this one. Abort.
I found twins.
Arent they magnificent?
I love finding a good set of twins.
Hey-O!
Congratulations.
Oh my goodness.
Youll have Pam to answer to.
Jim... hey why dont you braid my hair. I want to watch TV.
You have everything?
Cell phone? Charger?
It really is. Im not hungry. I ate a whole bunch of sunflower seeds after you went to sleep. And besides
You know it.
Okay
Okay.
Really? I hadnt noticed. Too busy knocking boots.
Im ravenous after a night of love making. You?
Hey
Brides side or grooms side? Or townie?
No kidding.
I bet she had hairy armpits.
Isabel was nice
No.
Oh please. Put a gun in my mouth.
Look. Shes a dental hygienist from Carbondale and she makes love like one. Shes a bumpkin. Pass.
You should ask her out.
I got them a set of turtle boiling pots
That was an intelligent comment.
Oh. Fine. Isabel
So
Toby.
Id like to lodge a formal complaint against Jim for making us wait for over an hour.
Crap.  sees turtle on the ground
I think youre right. It definitely looks suspicious. And his southern Italian heritage raises some flags.
Did he threaten you?
I knew it! More trunk space. Or should I say
No
Exactly.
No I disagree. R is among the most menacing of sounds. Thats why they call it murder. And not muck-duck.
Lock your door!
Thats bad.
Thats bad.
Hes right. Cops cant do anything until a crime has been reported.
You know what?
Thats an exaggeration.
No
The only way to defeat a bully is to stand up to him. Trust me
Heres what we do. We meet him in a public place. Ask him to lunch or something like that
Let him know youre not the typical kind of guy that he can shake down. That youre stubborn. That you might even be a little bit dangerous.
Do you know how to use it?
Youre wearing loafers!
Hey. Bathroom checks out clean. Nothing behind the toilet except for this roach motel.
Youll never kill it that way. You want to separate the head from the thorax-
Hello.
Oh hes not that nice.
What hes trying to say is
Bring him the gabba-gool!
He was trying to force you to decide on a policy.
So were choosing...
Check out Dental?
Dont do it!
Dont.
Yes.
I dont understand
It wasnt a snap decision
Do you know what snap decision means?
It means like this.
We have let Michael down
Not on the inside hes not. Look at his life! Broke! Living in fear! No friends
Not the living in fear
Yes. Hes got to stand up to this mafia guy.
Me neither. Not the way things are now. But what if Michael felt no fear toward the mafia guy?
Yeah...
What is wrong with you? I am talking about convincing Michael that the guys not mafia!
Well more far-fetched than a mobster walking into a paper company for a low-level shakedown? And that happened.
Michael. Incredible news. Grotti is clean.
Its true
And he made us all look like chumps!
Okay thats-
Thats good
We just told you he wasnt mafia
You successfully backed down the mob!
Very close.
Yeah!
Its Jim and Pam
Yeah...
This conversation has two items on the agenda.
Number one
Youre welcome!  quacks
I inserted a listening device into the belly of the mallard. Now I can observe Jim
Im sorry to have been bugging you all these years.
Mallard. Okay
You seem tense. Hey
Theres an egg on your head and the yolk is running down
Theres a knife in your back and the blood is gushing down...
...the blood is gushing down
The Nard Dog... what was that all about?
What were you talking about in there?
Volunteerism is important. Every weekend I volunteer at the local animal shelter and they need a lot of help down there. Last Sunday I had to put down over 150 pets all by myself.
I dont think theres a whole lot of sleeping going on.
Shh!
Where did you get that mallard?
That!
Okay
Ill give you five bucks for it.
Ten.
Well
Im sorry.
Mallard. I put it in your office in order to surveil you. I was jealous that you got the promotion over me.
Oh
Dont tell Michael...
Punishment fits the crime
walks into Jims office
Im Jigsaw
Michael
Michael?
A carp is both a fish and a term for complaing. Theyre mocking you with wordplay.
Michael
I dont want people making fun of my nose.
Its too small.
Just
Hey! Its on the list
Thank you.
Michael
Play it again.   He purposefully leaned away and let you fall in.
Judas.
Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So
Good morning everybody. Who would like an authentic New York bagel? Hmmm? Stanley?
No
Oh
Oh
Good morning Michael.
Hungry?
Fish sticks are not an aphrodisiac.
Youre thinking of deer pen1s.
Regardless. That was over two hours ago and it is now a scientific fact that you are hungry.   Bagel?
K. I brought cheese too.
Excellent.
Okay.   You owe me.
Cant a guy just buy some bagels for his friends so theyll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore? Geez. When did everyone get so cynical?
Pam
Thats right. Youre a woman and you need to refuse food the first time. Ill try again. Please Pam
Let me guess-- you ate the bagel I gave you and loved it.
Wow--
I will.
Let me get that door for you--
There you go!
Oh... goodness... thanks. You know
Observe.
Right?
Yeah
And that needs to be straight as an arrow.
Thank you very much for that.
Have a seat. Allow me.
You know what? I am going to preemptively change the batteries in your wireless mouse.
No
Andy is complicating things. But Im not worried. This will only up my game.
Whats going on in here?
Oh... no... really?
There is no book. Theres only a survival guide.
Okay
Hey
No
Dont worry about it. You can just owe me.
Whats going on?
Alright
Oh yeah
Got it.   To Dwight. Wha--   Starbucks gift card.
Dammit. I am no closer to taking Jim down. What a waste of a day. I could of grown poisoned mushrooms that would have been this high by now.   Theyre mushrooms. They dont get that high.
Wait
Lets get some raw meat on that face. I got a chicken in the freezer upstairs.
Good
Fire Jim.
Im cashing in the favor. Fire him.
Do it. Promote me. Tri-managers.
Can I have an office?
You know what you can keep your stupid favor. Its worthless. And this is my dinner on your face. Im keeping it.
screaming
How can I pose this to you in a relatable way? You are all members of the Yakuza and you happen to be visiting the Lackawanna trolley museum... and you are attacked by triads... how can you hold them off until your clan arrives? You cannot go wrong with a throat punch  screams
No
False. I did choke you with your shoelace. Now come at me!
That is correct. Unless there happened to be measles present.
Easy. Allow me to demonstrate. I am attacking myself with a throat punch. Here it comes.   Block. Grasp wrist as such.
Good point. Second
He really is
The important thing to remember Jim... we always have what is called the element of surprise.
Michael?
What is the meaning of this email that everyone got?
This one
Hello everyone I am sure you have seen the item in the Journal. I just want to stress that its all conjecture. If theres any concrete news you will know ASAP.
You know what? You can all have jobs at Schrute Farms as human scarecrows. It doesnt pay much and you cant unionize.
He needs me. Seat saved infinity.
Wait a minute
I will poison your food.
Voodoo Mama Juju
I know you did it!
I know she didnt do it. Its never the person you most suspect. Its also never the person you least suspect
Frankly
Youre sure it was water
Stop playing games with me
Answer me.
You are out of order.
Hey shut up. Youre dead.
Oh
OK
I have crossbows.
OK
Bow down before Recyclops.
Happy Earth Day
Who has put a number seven plastic in a number four bin?
Recylops will drown you in your over-watered lawns.
Recyclops will have his revenge.
Recyclops destroys!
Yes.
Polluticorn wishes.
Humans are terrible for the environment.
The twirl sucks.
What kind of mileage does this baby get?
Calves. Calves all the way.
Smells like it.
Word.
Ill ask you a question.
Michael Scott you run the most profitable branch of Dunder Mifflin. How do you do it?
Good luck
Coming through. Che
I was hoping to lob Michael his softball question early. I wanted to swing by the garment district
How is he gonna have grandkids?
No. You will not.
Oh
Oh. If onlys and justs were candies and nuts then every day would be Erntedankfest.
Yes.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah.
Yeah! Your idea.
My idea. I just need Andy to think its his idea. So it wont get traced back to me. In approximately six hours
Hey Jimmy
Cool. Very cool. I bet if you tried
That laugh is so infectious.
I didnt mean any of those things I just said. And you can expect the same from everyone in this office if you dont nip this whole Employee of the Month situation in the bud. Make it about the work.
This encompasses all available data. Hours
In an ideal world
Im going to run this by Toby and Accounting and have him assemble the data.
Hey
So Jim thought it would be ideal if we all pitched in a 20 for this whole Employee of the Month thing.
He thought you were doing an incredible job last month.
You seem suprised.
Hey buddy
Five minutes ahead of schedule. Right on schedule.
Oh
Yeah
My idea!
Excellent idea
There must be some reasonable explanation for this.
He knew all along!
This is Kevin Malone
Tell him Im mad at Jim
This is Stanley Hudson. Jim Halpert is a menace.
Its Toby Flenderson. Listen
I know how it happened.
No!
What?
No.
What?
Oh
Damn it!
Apparently.
Not now
What? Diabolical plan? I wouldnt even know how to begin a diabol...
So what do you want?
Attention everyone! Jim and I
--the party planning committee...
But effective
Merry Christmas. Good.
My diabolical plot is on hold for Christmas. My heart just melts with the sound of children singing. Hmmph!   Not really! Im just tired. The days are short. I dont know. Maybe Im depressed.
It is time to unveil the tree.
It is warm feelings.
Thirty! Twenty-nine! Twenty-eight!
Twenty- seven! Twenty-six! ...
Exactly.
Everyone.
Yes
Like the spirit of Christmas!
This was a successful unveiling! Go back to work! Merry Christmas!
Hey Santa!
For several weeks
Excuse me. Whoever has been sending me the parts to this gun
What else does it look like?
Well I dont have all the pieces yet.
Not a gun.
We dont have a North Pole branch. Idiot.
Yes!
Whats your pin number?
Where? Holiday Inn? I dont ...
You are kidding me!
When? When did he tell you? Today?
Awww!
Aaaarrhh!
Hey David.
Yeah!
I walk a lonely road
Its true. We all walk alone.
My shadows the only one that walks beside me. My shallow hearts the only thing thats beating...
I have no idea.
Michael? Please! Come on!
Oh man!   I can use this for so many nuts! Macadamias
Its real slippery out here.
Oh
He has more character in a single flake of his dandruff then you have in that entire snow bank on your shoulder. Wait
Ignore him. Hes the local lunatic.
Dwight? Who is this Dwight? Oh! You mean Dwight Schrute
Thank you
Hope to see you soon.
Yo
What?
What?
But check that its covered by your
But the little cars go in the compact spot!
Dont lose your head.
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
Here we go.   Oh! Wow.
Impulsivity and inattention to detail.
Terrible mistake.
Undistributable.
Impossible. He opened it like an ape.
Welcome. Scranton hot dog from Scranton?
So excited.
Oh. Of course.
Theyre 2 ounce paper cups dipped in plastic. He goes through 20 a day.
Im not seeing anything under confirmation.
Could it be under affirmation? Cause you have thousands of those.
You did get the e-vite to my barbeque!
Michael...
Wait
Thank you.
Hello.
I am treating you the same as a man
I
Bobcat
Youre twenty minutes late!
Just admit you lost track of time.
Ryan and I have been meeting up to work on our diabolical plot against Jim. Ryan is always late for our meetings. I wish I had a lair.
Of course I seesaw. Mose and I seesaw all the time.
Oh
I like where youre going with this. Continue.
I have an old barn!
Its kinda smelly
Okay
Hes supposed to cut his leg off? Think!
Think!
The new IT guy. Nick.
I think he is the key. Hes very trusting
Why dont you just let me handle the Tolkien references
Smeagol was corrupted and became Gollum.
I might start a diabolical plot against him after this one.
You know
Its not really 1992 anymore.
Ho-ho. There he is
I imagine one of the best things about being an IT guy is
Listen
No
Michael
She sent an email
Well
I cant help but think that something we did made this possible.
Oh temp
Because! Martini bars are pretentious. No thank you.
It is not farm boy swill
Wait a minute! You cant do that. You cannot exploit your baby for sales.
No
Hey there. Dwight Schrute here. Listen
I need a baby. Ill never outsell Jim and Pam without one. Also
Ha
Bare my child.
I want to have a child for business reasons and I want you to be the mother. If you agree
Have a seat.
Before we conceive a child
Its been a long time since weve come down here separately.
Now
Acceptable names include and are limited to : Ebenezer.
Jonas.
Warf.
Okay. Fine.
Irrelevant question. Section 5A
Yes you can.
Its as simple as keeping the womb extremely warm for two days after s*x
No
Has anyone checked how dilated she is? This is ridiculous!
We dont.
Doesnt matter. Ill escort you!
Lets go!
Michael!
This is where I saw that deer last week.
Right over by that fence.
Lets go!
I love escorting people. In fact
Ugh
Are you kidding me?
Dwight Schrute.
Why didnt you ask me to do it yesterday? I kept IMing you how bored I was.
I dont need a key.
No
Yesterday
Hey
Nothing left to do except dot the Is
Very well.
Isabelle. Hello... Yeah
Yup.
Oh
Hey
Are they now? Ha ha
Alright. Ill call you
Two forms of ID
Nothing.
Just pour yourself a cup of apple juice. I feel sick...   I couldnt find the iPod... Give me a couple days. Ill be out of your hair.
Very good. Okay. Will get back to you right away on that
Mega-Desk.
Command central.
Surveillance
Okay. Come on! Jim!
Dweedle Dee and Dweedle Dumb-ass have been away on maternity leave. Now Dweedle Dumb-ass is back
Great.
Thank you.
Oh come on. Come on. Five more minutes? Five more minutes of Mega-Desk? Please?
They say that no man is an island. False! I am an island and this island is volcanic. And it is about to erupt. With the molten hot lava of strategy!
Must be amazing being a father right
Ah
What up is
I mean
Ill tell you what happened to me. I didnt see my father for the first two years of my life. I thought my mother was my father
Turned out fine for me. But Mose? Oh. Same story
Oh Jim
My headphones are broken.
Can I listen to my music at a low volume?
Okay?  Unplugs cord
-But well be together then-
-Dad
Ah. Got a little client meeting at Shanny OGannigans tonight. It shouldnt go all night long
Hi there Jo. Sorry to interrupt. Um
Well
What the hell is this?
This is not Mega-Desk.
Thats ridiculous
Hello
Yeah
Sorry
You couldnt handle my undivided attention.
Listen
When I was asking about the leads.
... is there any news on the leads?
Yeah. You got any news on the leads? ... Okay
Salesman is king. As the best salesman
What are you doing
Scavenger hunt? Here. I can solve it. Give it.   The treasure you seek is in the parking lot under the first president.
The prankster is getting pranked. Ha ha.
The leads are in?
Michael? Michael
Kevin! Damnit   Kevin
Really.
Gimme the leads. Where are my leads?
Where are they?
Turn the trash   Its code. Alright
dashes to kitchen
dives into dumpster
Ill go
This place has gone to hell.
Yeah
Oh
Hey. There is nothing I can do about my wide-set eyes.
When I first met you
Oh
Okay? Because they promote from within. Instead I had to follow you - you
I hitched my wagon to a horse with no legs.
Kung-fu movies!
Nice babies youre making with the floozies at the bars.
Your made-up wife? Who doesnt exist?  Michael picks up a piece of metal and hurls it at Dwight
Dont do it
No!
Stop it
Oh
Wow. Amazing
Hey   You know whod like this? Phyllis. Purple
Yeah
Hope - grows.
drives into office parking lot
We have an awesome bean bag chair thats perfect for the break room.
Yeah
Breathe. Work your core. Come on.
Not counting the last one
Ok
Okay.
And one girl push-up.
25. Yeah! Come on
Hold that thought. Well
Whats a girl like you doing in a place like this?
Ooh
Usually means theres a battle scene coming.
Any brothers or sisters?
Really?
Vegetarian?
Whats your blood type?
Universal donor.  startled by Angela
Angela versus Isabel. Height
Whacking moles. Hit em on the head. Whack. Say it with me.
Extend the fingers more.
Good.
Hey
Listen
Look
Its just that we both-we want different things. You know
No
Dissolved. Dont worry
With this move
Oh
Sh-what?
No
What are you-
Angela...
Youre really putting me in an awkward position here.
Angela
You are an impressive specimen.
Why is everyone clumped around accounting? Break it up
Is that the program where all those puppets live in the barrio?
I love that show.
That is an amusing link. Id like it sent to me

Well
Her milk is coming in. Shes getting uncomfortable.
Same thing happens with my cows if I dont tend them frequently enough. You gotta milk them
removes jacket
Really? Fine. Let your breasts explode. Three squeezes and I would drain you.
Yeah pretty much.
Wait
Prideful idiots. Watch how its done.   Gabriel
I kneel before you.
Humbly taking your hand upon which I kiss to show my contrition.
What was that? Are you kidding me? Was that an impression?
I have to go back to the zoo to the stick insect exhibit.
Guten tag
I dont understand why Michael is wasting his time with Spanish. I have it on very good authority that within 20 years
You know what? I should be getting this client
If you want people to put the best face on something
What is this?
It doesnt just sound aight
How do I apply?
Uh
Come here. Come here.
Ten seconds ago
One minority from this branch is going to get into this program. Who would I refer? Hmm... the competent
Oh
Well
I bet you get pulled over by the cops a lot
I think you should consider applying for the executive minority training program.
I know
You could be the Indian Bill Gates. You could be the Indian Ted Turner.
Thats not... shes... okay. Yes.
How as being a minority affected you?
Oh
Oh
Hey... what are you guys doing?
You know
Ryan? What does he know?
We?
Kelly will be even worse than Darryl. If youd have told me this morning that today Id be creating a monster capable f my own destruction
Kelly is disqualified!
You said the program is not open to Caucasians. Well... anthropologically
Well
Kelly is the only applicant.
Oh
How would one of you feel if I told you I could put you on a fast track to an executive position at this company?
I wasnt talking to you
What Im offering is a ticket on a bullet train straight to middle management.
Yes.
Speaking of rainbows
I can protect you from Kelly.   Will you get out of here? Seriously.
Whoa
Helping heal America in a dramatic fashion in the 11th hour.
Caucasians
You dont know what you need. Just...
Hey
Oh.
Gosh. He he.
Just once
Stop it!
Youre talking about me in Morse Code. Well
Very well. I must have imagined it. I apologize.   Detonator. Detonator where? Michael!
Michael
Fine.   Hey. Tap away.
Eel fishing.
Are you nuts?
Oh
Oh
I think Ive got one for you.
$100 a day
Im just gonna warn you... and I say this to all my clients... you might not like what I find.
And you might not like how I find it.  slides over table
Hi stranger.
I work with Michael.
Dwight Schrute.
All cases are solved with logic. The only logical way to find out if Donna Is a cheater is to seduce her
at gym
Its all yours.   Ah!  after first rep
Yeah
Tractor pulling. Too bad theres not a tractor here.
Oh. Oh. Oh.   One thing you need to know about me. I dont quit until something tears or pops.   You look like youre getting a good workout. Can I feel your pulse?
Really? Hey
Get out of my way. Huh!
Tomorrows fertilizer
Donna. Donna
Donna
Oh
Yeah
Put your fingers here.
Im positive. Yeah
People who dont trust egg whites.
Oh
Youre right. I was paraphrasing. What she actually said was
Okay
You know what? You had your chance. Youre no leader. Out of your seat
No! The hills a trap. Lets take the dirt road off to the side.
If they catch us
You were being really funny
No
Come on
Toby
Ready
Leave
Right now!
Michael
No.
Alleged contract.
Just try. I will do legal jujitsu on you. Gyah!   See
So much of this is just impossible to verify. Item five
How do we know this? Id like to see a stool sample.
Eughh.
Same page. Just keep moving.
Which we cant know.
Unless were unplugged.
And wake up in the future.
What?
What?
I dont have $30
$30
Look
Intercourse to completion. Five individual times rendered at my discretion?
Agreed.
Five times for $30
But not in your bed. Its lumpy.
Fine. Five times.
No.
Do you understand how rare is that in nature?
I am an honorable man
I could have stopped him.
Are you warmed up?
God
Never mind. Just never mind.
Oh
Michael
Hey
Oh
Apache persuasion hold
Youre with Big Brother? Okay
Hold that thought. I dont want to waste your time
Why would I disparage a company that has made me rich beyond my wildest dreams?
Are you referring to alchemy?
Im not dumb. Im smart.
Let me give you a hand.
Ready?   Got it? Oh shoot. Got it?  walks away
Basement office? You mean like a lair?
Okay.
Cancel it. I want you to make an offer at seventeen twenty-five Slough Avenue. Make em an offer they cant refuse. No
All right. Sounds good.
Oh
Hey
Im about to buy this building
Well
Hiya! Ha!  climbs on Phyllis desk and starts kicking things off
From now on
Like youd ever be cold
Jim
Dwight Schrute
The bigger the key chain
Where?
Give me that.
Yes.
Jim quietly takes Dwights keychain and starts adding keys to it
Whos gonna tell on us? Gabe?
How close?
Yes. Of course.
Hey
Okay
Is this elevator going up? Hey
Pam
Use your talons! Pry em open!
Well
Ive got 56 ounces of fluid in my bladder! And we have to establish a pee corner!
How ya doin?
Wow. Late every day this week.
Why didnt I think of this before? Did you know that there is a daycare center opening right here in this building?
Now that I own the building
Welcome to the Sesame Avenue Daycare Center for infants and toddlers.
You remember my cousin Mose.
Oh no. I like to think of it as a kids place. Would you like a tour?
Come on. Here is the language skills and cognitive development area. These are English... uh... letters.   I see you found out magical toy box Jim.
Jim! To you and me
Oh! That shouldnt have been in there. Im embarrassed.
We come fully equipped with a restroom. Feeding trough
No one. The door locks from the outside. Escape is impossible.
What?
Oh no
I promise you
Boycott the Steamtown Mall! Everyone
All of it! The mall
Yeah
You dont want to know.
What?
Yes I did. And Im going to do the same with all of your clients.
Oh yes I will! That mall is corrupt
You guys know me. You know that Im not one for fancy things
I went to the store and I pressed the buzzer
Ok
Apparently there is a famous Hollywood movie from the 1980s
Apparently
Ok
Really?
Wait. Less matching to appear more rich?
I cant see.
Wait
Copy. Thank you.
Please.
Thank you.
What?
Do you have your card?
It is a pewter wizard holding a crystal.
Because Im here for one thing. Revenge.
Excuse me sir.
I was here yesterday
You work on commission
Good Morning!
What?
It was beet juice! I am a beet farmer idi...
Good sir. I happen to have been working a very long day. When I came to you fine establishment. You are such a... Im gonna... Ok. Listen. You cant treat... Thank you! Good morning sir!
You made a big mistake. Huge!
Aaah!
Ill take the wizard!
Uh
Please
Angela? Dont like her anymore. Not attracted to her anymore. Just contractually obligated to make a baby with her.
Give me the punch card.
That is not in the contract.
Alright
I work with that guy.
Too bad Im not gonna explain anything that you miss.
His names Andy. Hes a terrible salesman.
Why are you dressed like a seed catalogue model?
Lets go.
All that singing got in the way of some perfectly good murders.
All right
Its okay
No
I will tell. I will tell the mediator. What-what are you...   Ok. Oh
Good night.
Hola
I pick up day laborers and tell them theyll get paid at six p.m. At five forty five
Hola
Y el accento
You speak English?
Ok

That is my new maintenance worker
Poor hornet.
I left him all the tools he needs. This is do or die. If he chooses correctly hell conquer the hornets...
Hell die.
When did the phrase do or die become so corrupted?
Interesting choice...
A bat! Impressive...
Some eggs can rely dormant in a woman for years
What port? The Jan port. The Holly Por...
You may have...
You need to contact Holly! You need to notify her
You need to contact every woman youve been with
Then I will.
No
So long Donna!
He forgot to mention the herpes.
I dont understand the reference.
We had to come over right away
Ok Im gonna head outta here
Next stop is Helene. Youre gonna wanna make a left on Willow
Jan knows paper.
Wait
Forget it Michael! Today is about herpes.
Who gave it to you
TO answer your question about Jan
Come on old lady. Lets go.
Come on.
Michael!
Excuse me
It was probably just an ingrown mustache hair but we have to be exhaustive.
Im gonna need a list of every man youve ever had s*x with. Im talking train stations
Fence with a hole in it..
The woods behind the liquor store
The democratic primaries
Cant beat a horse. A horse is a bike that peddles itself.
Yeah!
How do I look?
Normal. Ugly.
Alright. Wait
We have a big meeting with the chief buyer for Frames Select
Will you stop trying to put it in terms you think theyll understand? Its condescending.
And who is this the Steve Nash?
No.
No
Go tell her were here. Youre good with receptionists.
Crap.
Danny Cordray is the worst.
The best salesman ever. He works for Osprey Paper over in Throop
Also
Im gonna intimidate him. Okay?
Watch this.
So anyway
What are you doing?
Like hell you are.
Hes not just here for the coffee
Whatd he say? What did he say?
There he is.
Ive been in showtime mode since breakfast.
Hes not kidding.
Oh.
Jim talked too much.
Yes
I know how we can learn his tricks.
What I am about to show you is of the utmost secrecy.
Yes
The Sting. The Sting.
Van Helsing was a respected professor before he was a vampire killer.
People cant keep their true natures hidden for long
Hes very
Oh...
Oh
I told you! Youre an exec at Stark Industries
Then make him pitch to you.
We gotta see what hes got.
Okay
Okay. Youre a young hotshot from Stark Industries. Youve just bought this company. Meredith is fired. Its a whole new regime. Hes gotta pitch to you now.
Michael! No
No!
Michael?
Can I talk to you about something?
Its about this very announcement you just made.
Michael-
Wheres he gonna sit? Theres no more seats.
Wheres he gonna park? Theres no more reserved parking spots.
You snubbed her.
Let me handle this
Oh
Welcome aboard.
Its after 5:00
Pleasure.
So long
Too late! If I was the real Scranton Strangler
To my chickens Im the Scranton Strangler.   Oh-ho! Thats very funny. Looks like someone decided to dress up as old Dwight Schrutes mom.
Youre only one third as beautiful and only half her height.
Lake Erie.
Pam is gonna choose whoever has a scent most like that of her father. Does anyone remember what her dad smelled like?
He went to Gabe behind your back.
He went over your head to go behind your back.
No. Shh. Michael
Yeah. Heres another good idea. Corporate chain of command. We need to strangle Darryls idea.
Garbage magnet.   Garbage magnet
Hmm
Lets just say I saw exactly what the two of you wanted me to see.
I know how to sit on a fence. Hell
Uh-huh. Right. And ruin their cloaks? Do you have any idea how expensive wool is in Transylvania?   Cause of the euro.
Uh...
NO
The worst thing you can do for your immune system is to coddle it. They need to fight their own battles. If Sabre really cared about our well-being
Exposing yourself to germs is the best way to make yourself stronger.
Yes. I would welcome it.
The principle is sound. To avoid illness
For all your paper and printer needs. For all your paper and printer needs. For all your paper and printer needs.
Good morning. Dwight Schrute. Thank you all for your prayers and your remembrances. Like Justin and his disfigurement
Opus dei.
Shh
Greg
I am ready to love thy neighbor with these kind of discounts.
Ill call you back.
Michael
Gah!
They shouldnt televise any of this
Not because I want to. With all the feeling to base a show around. Glee? Thirst. Now thats a show Id watch.
Tonight might be a convenient night for us to have some intercourse.
Michael
Kelly. Kev-   Are you gonna quiet that baby? Or do I have to?  Dwight grabs Cece and makes noises
That would be nice wouldnt it?
You know its not really necessary for me to sit here holding her all night. Just go into Gabes refrigerator
Really? Oh... Then here we are.
She loves me.
Well somethings come up
I have something to do.
I do. But you married my worst enemy.
Enough. I will require beer and pizza to think this over.
From Jim.
Surprise me. No! Pepperoni.
Insert it in my mouth.
No
Id prefer for him to think of it as degrading.
No. Crust first.   Okay
I have a legal obligation to Angela. Okay
Oh come on
Yeah sure
You ever been with the blondes before? Its the big leagues.
Shes in heat. She will eat your face off!
A single piece of pepperoni please.
What are you doing?
Uh-Oh. Okay
Try zero
Okay
Try Big Boobs with a Z.
All Right
Yes.
Ah
Every fall
Hello! Welcome to Hay Place! A place for hay.
Oh
Roll in the hay
Oh
Yes
So
Hey kids
All Right!
Oh
Wow! This brings back memories. Hay stacking
Uh
Hey
Nothing. Life Lesson? Some tasks are not worth doing.
And now
Did I truck 300 bales of hay to a parking lot to rectify some childhood disappointment? Yes.
Angela?   Angela!  sees a note on the door

Twenty minutes a day Jim
Im sorry Pam
D-E-A. Oop

Uhh

Owning a building is a war between the landlord and the tenant. Not a literal war
China is on the move?
Im sorry
Stanley
Which is you is not a sentence.
Pam
Well then youre not going to talk to the new building owner. Which is a shame
Dwight Schrute. Mhm. Tell her Im busy. I dont know
You know what Pam? Youre right. This isnt just a business. This is a home
I say we bomb em. By 2020

Or else? Or else what? Theres nothing you can do.
Waste of time.
Let me see.
You cant just move out.
In your perfect would
Yeah
You cant possibly be serious.
Parley
Pam
Why do you even need soap? Are you that bad at going to the bathroom?
You dont wanna move. Moving is one of the most stressful things you can do in life. Youll probably just take it out on your kid. Jim will turn to the drink. The family will fall apart
Here it is
Theres no building. This could only mean one thing.
She was lying. Oh
What?
Oh.
Im sorry. We have a colleague with the same name.
So
Damn it
I cant wait to do to Pam
Hey Pam.
Yknow what
Yeah
Whats the exact square footage.
How many offices are there? Oh Ill just look at the one sheet myself.
Youre a funny guy Pam. Whats the first thing you guys are gonna do when you move in to the new office? Im going to walk down the hall and say Wow
Impossible
I see Ive underestimated you
Reply it!
They say the best vampires dont bleed their victims dry
Ill tell you who. Darryl
You are?
Let me see you jump.   Oh
Oh come on.
Oh
Damn it
Look at that. Theres a pebble in there. You coulda killed me.
You apologize to me right now.
You apologize right now.
Very well
No
Pam?
Death to Toby!
Is it the middle school teacher who tried to turn her foreign exchange student into a s*x slave?
Okay.
Youve reached the voice mail of Dwight Kurt Schrute. Please leave...
Ahhhhhhh!!!! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
Ahh!
grunting
I have no feeling in my fingers or pen1s. But I think it was worth it.
dumps the remainder of the snow in his bag on Jim

Oh
Oh
Huh? You like that?
Huh?
Yes
I could not agree more. And just want to state for the record that I am intending to sue Jim for acute psychological distress.
With snowballs
Wait
I find that unlikely. You email me when you get a new zit.
Dear God in heaven.
Okay
Didnt think your affectionate nicknames would be your undoing
I do not accept your surrender. Theres only one way that I would ever relent.
You hit Pam in the face with a snowball while I watch.
Ill take that as a no.
In the end
Minutes from previous meeting of Knights of the Night. No
This meeting is for Knights of the Night only.
Knights of the Night are volunteer crime patrollers. Were often compared to the Guardian Angels
No
What are you going to do now? Are you going to make fun of our leaders weird voice? Huh?   Dwight
Fine. Minutes from previous meeting of Knights of the Night. Thats our official name
Reflective strips were glued to patrol jackets. Knights went outside with flashlights to test them.
And the rest was just  stuff.
Okay. Knights stayed outside to play flashlight tag.
It was pretty awesome.
Wow. Did your baby draw that?
Hey
Not doing that.
Ive achieved plenty and theres no better than the best.
Wait
Yeah.
Awesome.
Its that easy?
Okay
Ill take the entirety of the second floor.
Welcome.
Is that what we were doing?
Good. Real good.
Yeah
Yeah
Okay. Whatd you get?
Oh
I am not going back until I fulfill my resolution.
Come on
Well
Chicks fall down
Gentlemen.
Strip club. I was looking at the strippers at the strip club.
Yeah!
Hey.
How are the marks?
What are some of your small business ideas?
Thats great. Theres a big
Um
Uh-huh.
Wow!
Right. Okay? Great.
You promised us whales. These are worms.
Were no more a team than the people staying in the same hotel are a team.
So whats your crazy business pipe dream?
Really?
Phyllis?
Some of these people are for real.
Hey
Hey
I got it. I got it.
Youre gonna blow it.
Andy. I didnt think you had it in ya.
Problem solved everyone. Space Orphan and Princess Nincompoop are off to rescue Michael. Unbelievable. Im going. You drive
Male. Caucasian. Forties. Black hair. Facial type : marsupial.
Hey hey hey. Let me answer this. Stupid question. He went back to the office
Alright. Dont get a swelled head. Youre no tracker.   Lets ride.
Has Michael checked in?
I asked you a question.
Goodbye.
Pam
This is a man-hunt slash rescue mission.
Pam
No word from Michael.
Hey.
Theres too many brands. Wheres Holly?
Hey!
What are you doing?
Tootenbacher.
Of course. He was here. Shes the key. Amazing. Holly. Hey
Excuse me Do you speak English? We are looking for a man. Michael
Uncanny. Put a pin in that.   Which way did he go? That guy! When he leave here
Hes heading downtown.
Do you see a little clown that you want to follow
Okay
All right then. Someone propose a plan.
Not you
That is the stupidest idea Ive ever heard. No. Tap into your common mind and tell us what he would do next.
Right. I can do this on my own. I can think like Michael. All right... Im deep below the oceans surface in a submarine. A torpedos coming right at me. No. Damn it
Okay
Youre just filling that out right now. That wasnt meant for me. I will not be your Valentine.
Michael. Confession : I have done PDA in the office.
Ive had intercourse in the office.
As has Angela!
As has Ryan. As has Kelly. As has Meredith. As has Phyllis. As has Darryl. As has Creed.   As has Michael and as has Holly.
Michael
And what is the hook-up zone policy on masturbation?
Yes!
Hey. Hey. Come on. Youre hurting him.
Shh.
Just hush.
Just rock. Shh.
Movie idea?
Okay. Shh. Have you talked to her about your feelings? Women really go for that crap.
Kevin! Do more stupid faces.
I dont know.
Do the monkey face!
Good. He loves it. Good. Jump. Jump up and down.
Go back to the monkey!
Hurl your feces.
Good.
They really do that.
My perfect Valentines Day? Im at home
I play Samuel
Its Goldenface.
He cut the part where my circuit board malfunctioned! What was the point of spilling the drink on me?
No no
I have the best survival stock shelter in north eastern Pennsylvania. But everything has a shelf-life. So I must eat and replace everything thats about to expire. Its nice not to have to plan my meals.
Theyre still good for another week.
Hardy har har. Okay picture this : Snowy ash drizzles from the sky. A ravenous pack of dogs surrounds you as the flame at the end of your stick dies out. Theres only one hope left for you. The door to my shelter. You pound
No. Because you laughed at me. Kevin will be eaten! Pam will be taken slave! Jim will be made a warlords gesture. Meredith will do ok. Be assured this day will come. Its just a matter of time. Could be one month
Could be.
I can see that happening
Thats a realistic time line.
Perhaps.
I can see that as a very real possibility.
I can see that happening.
Whys he talking to Holly?
Holly
I didnt order anything.
Well theres a lot of seats in the annex.
I have been sitting here for ten years
No it is not.
I dont wanna move desks!
in the annex
What do you grow in here
Kevin
Hey Packer
Cause I wanna let bygones be bygones. Show you Im cool. Youre the new guy. Its cold out. I made too much. I got this awesome hot chocolate recipe from my wife.
Drink it!
None of your business.
It wasnt poison Jim
Really.
I know.
Pepto-Bismol
Ooh does Edgar Allan Poe know about that one? So sinister! That wouldnt annoy a person at all! Where do you come up with this stuff?
Who is Justice Beaver?
Why dont you write up your best forty ideas and e-mail them to me. Can you do that?
Yeah
to Jim
Theyre all good. So good! Number three : eat a frog. That sounds promising. Number four : eat a dog. I dont know
Eat a brog. Maybe its because I didnt understand it. I just had a couple of notes
And you make sure to get down there and check out that Harry Potter World.
Harry Potter World is supposed to be faaantastic!
Check it out and have a free butterbeer on us. Keep the receipt and well get ya back!
He took my desk.
It wasnt my first choice
No
People! Look alive. Its showtime. Doors open in 3...2...1.
Its good that its cold it will drive business inside.
The warmth will lure people inside.
This is how business...
Im not closing the door.
Stop it.
Uh oh
Not so fast.
Schrutes are farmers by hobby
I will trade you for the used candle.
Come on
Thats how its done.
Oh
People like Ryan? Let me tell you about men like him. He comes over and youre like Hey baby let me light a candle then you pull out this one half used and hes like Uh! Who else is she seeing? I better lock her down fast.
And the Jennifer Weiner collection.
What is this?
Professor Copperfields Miracle Legumes?
Thats a common swindlers trick.
So you wanna sell me magic beans.
Nice try. No. Correction. Terrible try.
You got this kosher certified?
Ryan
Oh
things are going very well. I traded a thumb tack for Merediths junk for Kellys crap for Phyllis garbage for Oscars trash for Stanleys garbage for Ryans junk for Creeds garbage for a very cute squid that Erin happened to have.
Jim
just out of curiosity
I know right...  what the?
That... thats impossible.
All right
Probably.
I started with a thumb tack and traded my way to a telescope. But in a way the most valuable thing here wasnt the telescope at all. No
Did I want to be made manager? Sure. A great opportunity squandered? Absolutely. A crushing blow? Yes. Will I get over it? No. But life goes on. Not for me.
Thanks for meeting me.
Theres no turtle
Thats because Im your right-hand man
I want to be manager. I just dont understand why I wasnt even interviewed for the job. Whats wrong? I was totally qualified
How do I become a manger at Sabre?
I left a message at corporate.
Cant you just use the recommendation you already have on file?
From when he recommended me to replace him.
Correction. Just you. Alright
Just a little announcement folks
Every day is black tie optional!
Always the padawan

Appalling.   Eye sore.   Surprisingly adequate! Okay everyone! The activities commence in four seconds!
Ladies and gentlemen
Excuse me
Big smiles folks! There they are.
We should just wait here and not get good seats in the conference room?
I thought it was the worst Dundies Ive ever been to.
Gladly! Id accept that award
I just dont see a point in the Dundies! Okay? The jokes are terrible
And next time
Michael?
Ive got a treat for you!
Colorado specialty
Thats because theyre Not oysters
What is wrong with you? Im the sick freak? After what you did? You expect to be buttled? You didnt recommend me?!
Where did you hear that? Obvious XM Radio?
Great idea.
Especially if you think that life would be better without Legs!
Black Bears can smell a salami at five miles Michael
Any kind of meat that you can possibly name!
Ive given up expecting Michael to do the right thing. Or the decent thing. Or even the comprehensible thing.
Yes.
This is gonna be good.   To whom it may concern.   Good
opening his trunk excitedly and gets out his paintball gear

Uh oh...  Jim
Oh
Its just that I own the coffee shop. So
I think youll find what youre looking for   over there.
Congratulations on your one cousin. I have seventy. Each one better than the last.
Im just not a suck-up like everyone else around here. Okay? I do my job well
What?
No youre not.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
Whats the argument here? NBA
No!
So
Really? Anything.
Deangelo
Pass. If I wanted to see a pissing contest
Okay
No
Wait
Dwight Schrute. Yes
Excellent. Morning announcements! Theres been a problem with some people sharing copier codes. Your copier code is a distinct 21-digit number that is unique to you
Thats on a need-to-know basis.
General meet-and-greet. So I expect you to be on your best behavior
Define foment.
Please take note of the new color-coding system.
Aha!
Gotcha! Why are you late?
All right. You stop me when I reach the diseased area.  Dwight points to her legs and slowly moves his finger up
Hey
You expect me to believe that youre starting a rebellion?
Okay
I will never be happier than I am right now. I will also never be less happy. I will be at my current maximum happiness for the rest of my life. Because I am manager of the Scranton Branch of Dunder Mifflin. Acting Manager.
Ah
The desk is a replica of Uday Husseins desk. I saw a picture in Newsweek. Listen
Jo is coming later today. I cannot have a subordinate trying to make me look stupid. Okay? I need you to promise me that youll be on your best behavior.
Dont make me fire you.
Dont make me pre-fire you.
Watch this. Youre pre-fired. And when Im promoted
What?
How you doing
Everyone here thinks that youre a joke. They think that you were hired because of your good looks
Now I want you to find out what people are saying about me
Yep. Yep
The holster was a gift from my great-uncle Honk. Um
The gun is just an accessory to the holster
Why do you need to keep wearing those booby shirts all the time?
Uh... hello!
Why would I put a banana in my holster?
Okay. All right. Fine. Everyone calm down. Someone get me a banana. Sorry I freaked you guys out - aah!  Dwight goes to flip the gun and it fires near Andys ear
No
Okay
Okay
enters with a cowboy hat
Really? You did? What hand was I holding the gun in? What did Andys tie look like?
I have no way of knowing if thats true.
Okay
Come on.
I just really
Because you guys are my best friends
There he is! Our hero!   You look fantastic. How you doing? Here
Did they say what caused it? Because I know you like putting Q-tips deep into your ear canal.
American Idol? What? No.
No.
Okay
I put everything back in the vending machine.
Okay.
Thank God.
Whats jazz hands?
Fine.

Hello
does jazz hands
Oscar
No
Kevin
Okay
Youre kidding me.   Oh God
Oh
I cant. I cant push harder!
Okay
Im kneading it!
Jo... I accidentally fired a gun in the office today.
I am telling you this because I care too much about this job to be blackmailed into doing it poorly. All Ive ever wanted was to be manager here. And if you feel that you cannot promote me over this one accident
It was a Beaumont-Adams
I take full responsibility.
Pam made me put a banana in my holster.
Okay. Did I make a mistake? Yes. Do I regret the decision that I made? Yes.
Got it.
Jo
Shut up.
They wont make me manager
Bread is the paper of the food industry. You write your sandwich on it.
What makes you feel qualified to judge a place after a mere interview?   What are you doing..?   Stop trying to figure me out.
You cant.
No
Stop trying to figure me out.   Do you even know anything about paper? How its made?
Get out.
Im gonna prevent inferior men from sullying my place of work with their weak
comes in
Hows the family?
Good. They good?
Whats your daughters name again? Peepee?
Peepa
Great! Oh
Now
Okay
Im going to make you an offer. Okay? You even do so little as grant me an interview
Erin will eat garbage for your entertainment.
Ha ha!
Fine. Ill do it without you
Let me get that for you.
Okay.
Jo
Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ohh
Okay.
Its complicated.
Assistant Regional Manager.
Assistant Regional Manager.
Assistant Regional Manager.
Uhh. Wait. Wait! No. Stop! Stop. Jo...   Its me. Im Dwight.
Yeah.
I would have dressed this way every day
Yes.
Silence?
Dwight Schrute.
You have to interview me...
I demand more questions!
Okay! If youre not going to interview me
What will be your first priority? I will have seven first priorities. Safety
Thank you.   Youll be hearing from us shortly
Well
What a surprise! Minorities sticking together.
Were gonna miss you
I will run this branch
No
K... Kevin!
Yeah
K
Hoist him aloft. Cmon Darryl. Lift
Say no more.
Kids
What are you looking at?
It cant be nothing.
throws hard
Phyllis! Phyllis! You okay? You okay?
... 2
Okay
Yes!
This is if we were all on a cruise ship and had to divide into lifeboats. This is if we were on a cruise ship and had to divide into life rafts. Heres something. Who would eat who in an ‘Alive situation. No... that cant be it.
Shhh
No
Thats great. Lets do this guys.
You know
Okay!
Losers.
Cmon.
Cmon
Cmon.
Ha ha
Oh
Jim
Good night.
This week we are rolling out the brand new Sabre tablet....the Pyramid.
So
Oh no no no. Without the battery pack and optional memory booster
Fifty L.
Youre really going to want the booster.
Thank you.
Is this really the best use of our collective time?
OK
Heres how Im going to help out from now on. Im going to not care
Your friend Neil Patrick Harris really made me laugh the other night.
We could talk about how fast children grow up
Let me guess
Is this about the profits? Because if it is I just dont see the point. Its so Wall Street.
Right?
Good. Really really good.
Oh
I dont know
You wanted the job
Yeah!
Obviously you can go the ass tattoo route and obviously
DRAW SOME BLOOD!
....back orders and you never called them.
OK
There you go! Here doggy! Hes not even trying. Come here doggy
Whoa
Nein. Sits.   Goot.
Yeah
Bye poochie!
Before taxes.
I know what youd do with all that money.   Hey Pam
I think well be fine.
Hey...OK no. No. That. You are so not...oh god.   False. Andy
Negative! Three hundred boxes for me
Yup.
Whats the problem? Grunting is scientifically proven to add more power. Ask any female tennis player. Or her husband.
Well
No
Like baboons or elephants.
Kevin! Doesnt apply.
Hey
Message in a Bottle
Kevin Costner.
Its not the greatest one either...
And its clear were not going to carry them.
Exactly.
Yep. Hell be fine.
Uh
OK
I dont know.
OK. You know what? Its been a real busy day
Its uh
Get the thing
Whats going on?
Oh
No. No. No! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!   No
Schrute Farms is very easy to find
Its simpler this way.
And please refer to the map
They dont warn you when the cameras are driving by.
Theres so much more to it than that.
Ive been wanting Schrute Farms to break into the high-end event hosting industry for some time
MR. RYAN HOWARD!
STANLEY HUDSON AND HIS MISTRESS CYNTHIA! JAMES
MR. AND MRS. WALTER AND ELLEN BERNARD!
Set that down.   Present yourself.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
Ladies and gentlemen! The last supper.
My first love is beet farming
Oh really? Well
I can get you exotic meats – hippo steaks
Itll all be goat.
Who cares.
MR. JAMES HALPERT!
Stop forgetting things.
MR. JAMES HALPERT!
What? Idiot.
MIS... MI... What are you doing?
Thats a stupid question
Its called a costume.
Ryan
Has no one here heard of Kerrigan
Yeah
Im a Jamaican zombie woman
Damnit. I AM Kerrigan from Starcraft! Ive been censored.
Kerrigan is ruler of the Zerg swarm!
Yeah
Its a root you idiot.
Thats really rude. I dont tell you hurricanes suck even though its true.
Try influenza.
Open up a newspaper. Oh look a hurricanes coming. I suppose youre going to tell me the scariest animal is a shark?
Yeah Im serious.
Loser.
Go
You wanna attack or let them come to us? Your call
Nice.
Got em. Go!
Sorry
Wha...Yes. Your attention. Uh because... No that is all.
Last night I dreamed that the number two was the most valued number in the world. The vice president had all the power. Athletes fought for silver medals. Women were considered the best gender. And stadiums of fans shouted Were number two!. As with all my dreams
I may have a little solution to our mistakes problem. This is a project Ive been working on for quite some time and today
Allow me. Youre going to love this.   Ugh...shouldve used a shorter string. Never mind
Have I not been worthy of your trust? Have I not been a reliable number two?
Well
I will do my voodoo.
The accountability booster. It registers every time a mistake has been made in the office. From a late delivery to an accounting error. Five strikes in a day equals a home run. One home run and youre out.
Or in this case an email gets sent to Robert California containing the consultants report from last year. Remember the one that recommended the branch be shutdown? And as a fail-safe also every negative email youve ever written about him to the group will also be forwarded to him.
Roberts favorite songs: Creep by TLC
P.S. We should should kill him.
No
Jim
Smile...nod. Smile and nod.
They are making me out to be a Bond villian. I like to think of myself as a brilliant scientist who will stop at nothing to remake the world. Like...not Doctor Moreau someone good. Doctor Frankenstein
But the device will change that. Without a safety net
Oh
Its not a doomsday device
Well
No questions.
Accountability booster.
I havent even considered it. Thats how sure I am that this accountability booster is going to work.
How about Scrantonstrangler666.
No. Oh shoot. Ha ha ha...You guys are never gonna shut down the machine
Really?
It goes out automatically at five P.M.
Well
No.
You dont deserve to have this branch. Five mistakes in less than a day.
No you didnt
Hey
Ha. Ok
What?
Good luck finding a new job idiots. Ill make sure to write you a glowing reference. Glowingly negative.
Oh. Come to reason with me?
Get lost.
What does it look like Im doing? Digging a grave for a horse.
If you hit another horse
In. Im hungry.
Okay. Take off your shoes. Except you Kevin
This is the new addition
Did you just have a stroke
I hadnt heard that before
Any specific animal?
Dont say cow- Ugh.
Sive drafely.  Pam points back at him
Theyre not my favorite people in the world. I wouldnt even call them friends. They come over here
Andy Im really sorry about your mother. My deepest condolences.
Oh we know.
Ok ok ok no no no. This is disgusting. You realize what youre saying? The hottest thing ever would be a 66 year old pregnant woman.
No! There are universal biological standards of beauty and attraction. And you are purposefully celebrating the opposite of them to mollycoddle a pregnant woman.
Yes you are. And another thing. Helen Mirren was born Helen Mironov. Thats right. Youre fake salivating over a Soviet era Russian.
Thats just absurd.
Her breasts are large
Why would I or anyone else think that youre hot right now? I cant impregnate you
Meh... you were at your most attractive when you were 24 with a slight
You think Jims lying?   Thats so cute. I know hes lying.
Done.   I never touch a pregnant woman.
If were going to work together
Rule one: our only loyalty is to the truth.
Rule two: we stop at nothing.
Rule three: Dont fall in love.
Were gonna bust this guy.
So important. And then we will destroy the man himself.
None taken. What do you got?
I dont see whats so ugly about him. Hes got the broad face of a brewer.
Hmm?
Just ugly enough to have deniability.
Well
The male reveals attraction through unconscious and involuntary physical signs. The puffing of the chest
With the crotch.
Psst. Were not here.
Exactly.
Okay
I cant tell. Its unnaturally sunken.   Busted. He just was mirroring. Did you see that?
Jim has no discernible sense of humor
Time for me to find out.
Just going to walk over here-   whoa
Im fine
Yes?   Wha- Jim.
Aw
Im sorry
Does your husband have very soft erections? Because if not
She called it crazy? Aw
And she called it nuts?
Come on.
Stop shoving me. Stop grabbing my pen1s. Grow up. Take off your jacket and take a seat. When it lies
Why dont you go check out the sympathy cards
We have to start with a baseline question to establish what the truth is.
Well
Jim
Okay
Do you really
Do you find Cathy Simms attractive?
Yep
I would listen to my homemade test
Look at the numbers. Every single time
Oh
Its important to go every month and get your prostate checked. You can do it at home by yourself with your finger. You just stick it-
Its not really your choice
Doesnt it worry you in the slightest that Jim is not his real name?
But... hey
Gettysburg? Hmm. Could be interesting. Second-most northern battle in the Civil War.
Ha!
The Civil War history industry has conveniently forgotten about the battle of Schrute Farms.   Whatever. Im over it. Its just grossly irresponsible.
Guess Im a sucker for historical fiction.
Total deaths belongs to Gettysburg but when youre talking about D.P.A.
...nothing beats the battle of Schrute Farms.
Oh
The truth.
No
Yes
Okay
Gettysburg was very important. Credit where credit is due
Not by a long shot!
No
No
Sure! I will cede it was the second-most northernmost battle!
Was it the northernmost? No. Get out of here
Excuse me
Can you tell us about the battle of Schrute Farms?
Really. Okay
You said you werent going to look back.
Really?
Well. Anyone employed by the Gettysburg Industrial Complex is certainly going to want to keep quiet about the Battle of Schrute Farms.
YES! Ha! Prepare to be refuted! Go on.
Hallowed ground.
Ive seen enough.
Oh
Standing is proven to be healthier
Every second you sit there is an hour off your life. Look at all of you. I feel like youre in a suicide cult.
Oh yeah?
Thats right Jim.
Hey.
No. Putting a load on more like it.
Last thing I need is luck.
Thank you so much.
What are you doing? Give that back. Come on!
Oh thats real creative.
I could
Standing.
Dont!
Standing.
I know.  Jim pushes him over
Knock
Remember how you said that you were looking in the office to do calisthenics and aerobics?
Well todays your lucky day. I have opened in this very office building Dwight Schrutes Gym for Muscles. You wanna take a look?
Your path from obesity begins right here!
Obese people in my office are a drain on resources. Chairs wear out faster
Maybe you do. Hi. Im Dwight. Sales is really not so hard ok? Its paper. We have it and they want it so bad they are willing to pay for it.
Its the second easiest job in the world.   Being a mom.
That is true.
Thats me.
Maybe over a beer after shes closed her first sale  .
Ready? What do you think?
You havent even looked around yet. Look. Gravel bucket squat yoke  squats
Darryl...
Attention! I am now accepting memberships for Dwight Schrutes Gym for Muscles. The first 20 members can take advantage of the pay what you weigh promotion.
Kelly?
Thats okay. I know how to build a business. You gotta get the black people to do it to get the white people to do it. Then you gotta get the black people to stop doing it. One step at a time.
What do you think youre doing?
I build you this temple to the human body
I was watching you. You want to know how long it really was?
Eight minutes!
Is that the same philosophy you apply to buffalo wings?   I want you to bring that same buffalo wing passion to this gym! Im gonna make you look like Lebron James!
Thats what I said.
I know.
This is my gym
First thing
Really? Too embarrassing for you? Huh? You wish that every exercise was strutting around the gym like the Fonz? Well how do you think the Fonz got so cool? He stretched his pelvic bowl!
Youre nothing! Youre so weak
Okay
All right
No! Because if that was the case
What do you want!?!
Val Kilmer? I dont buy it. That doesnt make any sense. Wow... I figured out your goal. I am going to make you the buffest dude Val Kilmer has ever seen.
What about my wish that we dont have to attend meetings that degrade our sense of adulthood?
Where? Dark side or light side?
Is it by the Sea of Tranquility?
Thank you
Fine with me. Jim can leave anytime he wants. Goodbye.
I just wanna say
What is it?
No
Boom!
Ah! Ive been attacked! Oh my god! Oh! Someone put a porcupine in my drawer!
Yeah
Or who in this office knows that I have access and is trying to set me up?
Hello? Lacerated hand here folks.
Oh is it really? Two separate times you have set me up to believe I was being recruited by the CIA.
You see?
Might wanna run that by Angela cause its so cute.
Come down right away!
Yes
Henrietta.
Enough of this garbage.   This is Christmas.   Hi-yah!!!!!  gabe
laughs while spray painting Jim is Awesome on his own car
yawns
Took a little nap right next to Jims desk. I feel so good right now. Mmm
Knew it! I knew it! Soon as I heard that wrapper.
You need to stop banging your pen on your desk or its going to drive me insane.
Animals
Dwight Schrute for Robert California!
Im not here to be given anything. Im here to take what is mine.
Gabe? You dont know?
Hmm. Impressive office you have here. Surrounded by shrubbery
Robert.
Yes.
Very good.
Gabe
Meat grinder.
You know
But I can give you this pitch in one minute-
Still an important position. Still a chief.
Theres no fires within eight miles of here.
What? No
So its a very simple argument of why I should be put in charge of southeast printer sales. Nobody has sold more printers in the northeast than me. Bottom line
Oh my God.
Most of all
Whats with the smile?
And my character is one that will never give up until greatness is on the horizon
Take me to Robert.
Take me to his house.
You know where it is. Lead me there.
Listen
Which one is it?
Robert! Robert California! Robert!
No thank you.
Let me tell you why I should be the next manager with a riddle: A manager
Yes
N... its complicated.
Its a job interview
Yes.
Oh
Jim
Ugh.
Aw
Really Jim? Really? Very funny.
Thirty-two meatballs.
That idiots been feeding us for a week.
Big. Stupid. Pure chump bait.
What-
Im relaxing. Scram.
Oh really?
Yeah
You regret attacking me now
Im not going to help you. Why would you choose me? Because Im mighty? Because Im the manliest man in the office? Ill do it.
You stop.
No
Okay
No
Ah
Damn it.
We can get some chicken fights going in the pool.
Chicken fight!
Hey
Yeah- oh!
Woohoo! Yes!
I know. I could just bang you right now.
Maybe we should take a little break.
Okay.
Go!
Erin
Youre lying. We didnt win.
Ugh. Same old party
I know.   But boy
So I just want to make sure that you are completely
Not what I asked.
So then you wont mind if tonight I just go crazy on her
Youre an idiot.
Cant believe they let someone like you serve on a jury. Makes me question the whole judicial system.
Of course you found him not guilty.   Oh
Not coming
I was in Los Angeles last year. Jim tricked me into thinking Id won a walk-on part on NCIS
So this whole hit and run thing
And the victim rode his bicycle into the left hand turn lane but the perp was already in the left-hand turn lane?
See
Yes! Andy
I am making a citizens arrest. You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to beg for mercy. You have the right to request judgment by combat. Dwights rights.
Jim was lying about jury duty. He was lying the whole time so he could go do yoga or go canoeing. I dont know what this pervert likes. Fire him!
I have Jim on the record saying that the vic-
I dont- I dont need to take a chill pill.
I really dont want to take the chill pill.
Okay
Thats good enough for me.
Okay
Okay- oh
No
He says
Okay
Great. And while were enjoying these delicious empanadas
Walk us through it. What time would you get there every morning?
Wait
Youre screwed! Oh
Your clients. Theyre all mine.
All right
No
Thats it? This is crap!
Gabe
Im gonna find Gabe
Oh
Okay.
Psh! Why? I know what Angela and the senator look like. I can mash that up in my head right now.
So dont.
What?
How long before?
Yes I did.
I want to see the baby.
Oh
That baby is a Schrute. And unless somebody taught Mose s*x
Angela
Need I remind you that we were together a month before the wedding?
Completely true. Remember? Angela. No.
You said that Robert was not fulfilling you-
-and I said
And then I inserted my penis-
Into your-
v*g1n* and-
Admit that there is a chance.
Admit it. Admit it.
Yeah.
Before I go
Nurse
I just might be his father.
Oh
Oh
Jim? Oh
What are you doing here? You just had our baby. Our collective Dunder Mifflin...family baby. Four days ago.
What?
You cant tantalize me.
OK.
If you make me head of sales one more time
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes
The Shrutes have a word for when everything comes together in a mans life perfectly: Perfectinschlag. Hmm. Right now
Pam
Mm hm.
Eh! No plus ones. This is for competent workers only. And dont worry about the cost
God
My first task as special project manager Dwight Shrute? Assembling a crack team. I need people who are loyal. People wholl help me get an inroad with the gay Hispanic community. People who wont be missed. We dont need idiots
Kathy.
Yes.
Oh my god.
Are you kidding me?! Im supposed to get in an airplane with those nincompoops? Wed never get off the runway.
Oh god.
Kevin!? Kelly!? Kathy!? Andy just gave me a chain with three weak links. Have you ever tried to use a chain with three weak links? I have. And now I no longer own an arctic wolf.
May I have your attention please? Could Kathy
Oh
Oh
I can understand your pain and your rage
I know
Good point. But were gonna be working pretty hard until five PM. After that its gonna be beach volleyball
It might be innate goodness versus innate badness? But theres an easy way to find out.   Oh Andy
Uh
Hey. Be proud of your enormous monster baby. I was once an enormous monster baby.
OK hey. I specifically remember there were a lot of other people I thought should be considered.
Great idea! So why doesnt everyone just take the next five to six hours
Three to four hours.
Two to three hours...
Come up with a statement in the next hour....
I have already picked my team: Darryl
Mm-hm. Powerpoints are the peacocks of the business world. All show
Ok. Thank you Kevin
Wow. Seasonal effective disorder
Maybe its what she does here...
You know I dont think its a good idea for you to clear your head any more than it has been already. I think you need a workplace where the burdens of everyday life keep you tethered to reality.
Well
I wouldnt say that...its a bit much.
Jim is essential to th-
Andy
This is stupid! Cut.
He doesnt even want to go.
Oh my god.
What?
No.
No!
(Bleep)
Youve gotta be (bleep)-ing kidding me. Ok. Ok
Lets go
Hot? What are you talking about? This is a nice temperate Florida morning. Eighty-five degrees
But? Theres not buts. Thats it. Youll wish you were dead. You seem a little disturbed
Cause if any of you would prefer to stay here
SHUT UP MAGGOT! YOU DONT WANT TO GO
How many of you have seen the documentary Deliverance?
I released three hundred mosquitoes in the conference room
Yes
Orientation is over.
Ok
So Sabre has set up a conference room for our use while were at corporate.
Basically Sabre has tasked us with helping them branch into the retail marketplace. They want to set up their own version of an Apple store.
It did
Oh
No. We sell business tools and the stores need to reflect that. They need to be all business. Let all the other stores look like a toy store.
Yes. What are my expectations for the group?
I have been given the responsibility to manage Stanley
Today is the first day of Sabres new project to develop a chain of retail stores. I am meeting my new boss
Wake up!
Hey
Stanley! Wake up! Youve got to wake up
Good morning.
Heeeeres Dwi- what the-?   Oh man.
Looks like Jim got mixed up with some bad apples.   Oh no
Attention
I need to make Nellie see me as a leader today. First impressions get locked in forever. When I first met Pam
Ill have a bottle of the antacid. Also
Power.
Okay
Im fine
Very funny
Im gonna set your face on fire.
Packer.
Uh.
You didnt poison me
What is the antidote?
Ill do it! I always say
Mmm!  screams
Yes
Yeah
Send it to the frickin moon
You talking about hunting? I love hunting. Im a master hunter.
Im a decent baiter. My cousin Mose
Why is everyone else standing up? Okay team
Ill be on top. Its the most important position.
Ahh!
Everyone stop moving! Everyone stop wiggling! Oh
Stop moving!
Oh!
Arrest Jim. He poisoned me.
Dont remember me like this. Remember me as the man who pulled down the screen.
Phillip
I just got out of surgery. Whats going on? Fill me in.
Whos doing the presentations?
Damn it!
Yeah Todd
Im great. How are you?
Whats our presentation about?
I got the surgery
No
I want that vice-presidency.
Youre too slow
All right
What is our topic? Oh
Really? Okay. Retail consumer habits is...   The only thing you need to know about retail consumer habits is that consumers are mindless lemmings. They just want to be told what to do.   Fast forward to today
Shopping habits are both seasonal and cyclical. What does this mean?
No
Andersons three pillars of retail. Crucial. So important. Next. Are there any questions?
Ingredients.
Burgers.
Killing royalty. The truth be told
Thank you very much. Any other questions? Jim?
Oops. Thats embarrassing. Egg on my face.   Ah.
Amazing. Just lost four ounces of appendix
Oh God.
Youre not paying me to heal
Thats right.
Ah! Not so fast.
Ill go ahead and cancel my post-op check-up right now.
I had two goals today. The first was to make myself the clear candidate for vice president. I achieved that
Pretty good.
Thats not what I was going to ask. Gosh
Can we at least eliminate those that are not in the running? Free them up to focus more completely on the menial. Like stacking or sorting
Thats a hobby
Waste of time.
Thats just a verb.
Yes
English peoples main use today is judging American talent.   Youre crap. Youre wonderful.   Theyre mean
Genghis Khan could take em both down cause hes not afraid to kill children ... What? its true. He- He would- he would eviscerate babies and hang them from poles outside of the villages. (Jim taps Dwight on the shoulder)
Thats a stupid game. I got a great drinking game. Okay
Oh
(takes out bag) 40. Always.
Sure. (Hands bag to Cathy)
No
Aah!
Hey. I see what youre doing. Its futile. the VP position is mine.
Well
If anyones having s*x with Nellie for personal gain
Seagull.
Oh please
You wanna see a picture of me trapped under a tree?   ...ahhmmm... excuse me... What?! Not now
Wait wait wait wait
I gotta be gone for a few minutes. You make sure that Packer does NOT sleep with Nellie.
You really want Packer as your boss?
If Jim has bedbugs
Where did you see it?
We gotta find it before it eggs.
Describe it.
Could be a bat weevil... Describe its mood. Did it seen sleepy?
Fair enough
Pshh. Thats a bedbug.
Everythings a joke.
Check your hair!
God
You are clean. Okay... One thing a bedbug thrives on is heat and carbon dioxide   I am going to generate myself into a human trap.   When I jump into the bed
Yeah.   Cover me!
Let the bedbugs bite!
We wait.   Come to papa.
Nope
Oh
If there were any in here
No
No
Such a chorus girl.
Euughh... Pathetic
Okay... Seven
No
Try again... Ugh
Wait
oh...
There you go.
Seven minutes.  ... Nellie
Win at all costs
Wheres the bug?
Stand back!
Its a compound of chemicals I pulled off the maids cart!
I think I saw it!
You cant stay here
Second best Bananas Foster Ive ever had.
Dont let-shh!
Today is the test launch day for the inaugural Sabre store. Brr brr brr BRR   and I
Yes.
Yes. Yes.
We went over this
Loam
Okay. Nellie
Today is press day and press is gonna make or break this store. And for a tech company
Okay.
Cathy
Packer
Perfect casting
Speaking of pimples
Open the gates! Theres plenty for everyone. No need to panic. Theres plenty for everyone!
Theres plenty. Dont stampede. No need to stampede
Okay
Oh
Are you trying to sabotage this entire event?
You could have pretended to be Chuck. I begged you to pretend to be Chuck
Point it towards the store
You know what I mean? One of these buttons is -- damn it. Take over.
Oh hey
Cathy
But you still work for Wired
Good! Okay. Flirt away.
Okay. I know
You just need to realize that so much rides on this. You have no idea.
Im trying to make him feel important.
Um...   Oh
Whats a book?
Jim
Why are you just standing there? Go to a nearby store and get him a yellow or green sports drink!
Have you seen Erin?
Oh God...  Hey no! Where do you think youre going? Youve gotta stay for the big presentation weve got this young wiz kid -- Ryan. Hes like an even more handsome Bill Gates.
Its moments away. Just stay here!
How long has he been in the bathroom?
Jeez! Whats he doing in there?
Are there any bloggers around?
I had to send him home. As brilliant and creative as he is
Thats right. Will you just give us a second?
Jim --
Look at me. Look at me! Look... at... this... face. This is not the face of a performer. This is the face of a scary apparition you see before you die. Im telling you... if you dont do this
Oh
Of course theres a costume!    Oh
Did you pass out in there? What is taking so long?
Hurry up. Let me in. I wanna watch you get dressed. Did you find the eyeliner?
You are wearing eyeliner
Its true.
Yep.
Psst.
Okay
Ha
Okay! Come on!
Hah! Yah!   Boom!
A dart? Are you kidding me? Who would put a poison dart
Well
Ah!
You think youre excited? You should feel my nipples.
Oh my gosh
Dont even care!
Well
Robert
Robert! Im gonna win
The math is simple folks. Deeper market penetration
I told you.
You know what? That is a great idea. Cathy
What are you doing here? I thought I got rid of you?
What
You want to do something for my own good? Turn around
Silence.
I know what youre trying to do
Different guy.
That you look like the worlds tallest hobbit.
Showtime.
You again? Gosh
Yes
Jim
Uh-huh.
Wait.   Hes gonna kill the store? And hes gonna fire me?
Thats two things.
Nice try
You know what? You might want to get to the airport. Its gonna take you a long time to get through security with all those beauty products. Bye.
Nothing is gonna stop me. That is the mark of a great man. Unstoppability. Dunder-Mifflin
Help! Help!
AlI had to do was think about pie and my salivary glands did the rest.
Ah!
Oh
My wound hasnt healed yet.
Oh
Rrrah!
Huh
I was trying to go-
Ok
Then you know what? Im just gonna have to run right through you.
Jackie Chan!
This. Ends. Now.
Rrahh!
Anything else you need to talk about?
Once again
My warcraft clan was still on speaking terms.
Well this has been fun
Right here.
What?
How could Robert transfer Nellie here after the Sabre store debacle? She stinks of failure. The fact that she could show her face around here is an embarrassment. I should know. Im in an identical situation.
I wouldnt let her manage a celery farm.
Those who cant farm
I refuse to be judged by someone that I do not respect. I lost respect for you in Florida. If it was up to me
What?
Theres no limit to what I think I deserve.
Five percent. No less.
Six percent
Money isnt real ever since we got off the gold standard.
No
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes. Yes
Darryl grabbing him by his hair
Well fought. I accept the outcome.
Neither of those looks like any person that has ever existed or been dreamt of in the history of human insanity. That said
Yep.
Yes!
Okay
Why Jim?
Ugh! Ow.
Dont listen to Jim. Have you ever seen him play Tetris? Oh
I will get the chair in. Watch the Great Schrutini work his magic.
Haulin cube!
I wonder if king-sized sheets are called presidential-sized in England. I really should have a Tweeter account.
Ooh.
I have to see these shoes.
Oh!
Heres the two of them taking a hike. Im guessing hes some kind of friend.
Heres the two of them kissing at a beach and kissing at the Eiffel Tower. Im guessing hes some kind of close romantic friend.
You read my mind.
Hmm. Maybe someone threw a pie in his face. New theory- hes a hated Italian politician.
Why not call...
Thats awful. What kind of restaurant.
If it would help you to forget
Okay scram
You heard me!
Nellie let me bobble-ize him. His name is now Captain Mutato.
Ive written quite a bit of X-Men fan fiction. Captain Mutato is half man
Yes?
How?
Erin
Okay?
Washington Monument.
Eiffel Tower.
One of Tobys eyes is getting smaller. So theres that. Gabe bragged about having an extra ticket to the air show this weekend and Meredith said she was interested and then Gabe said immediately that his friend might be taking the ticket. So Ill keep you posted on that.
Every day I brief Nellie on whats going on in the office. Most of its irrelevant. But a good informer doesnt judge whats worth passing on.
Oh
Erin made it clear to me that he was unable to perform sexually last night. By contrast
Its not just a human problem. Flounders frequently experience impotence
No
Yeah Jim.
You know
You dont like the Beatles?
Eleanor Rigby? Paperback writer?
I dont want to alarm people
There is a disgruntled ex-employee sitting in his car in the parking lot.
Thats how workplace tragedies always begin. A middle aged white male hanging out. Call the cops!
I dont even know what kind of weapon he has. Could be a knife
Wait
You guess the price
How much do you guys charge for a one full year gym membership? Thank you!
Its $475! Like candy from a baby!
Yes! Thank you!
Oh yes! Yeah!
Oh
Thank you very much! All I had to do was look at the prices
Thank you. Wow
Protein powder
Oh
Oh
Feast on this
Oh
Very funny Jim.
I dont need your help.
Here
Good
Thanks so much Earl.
And they said it couldnt be done. Boom!
Yeah
No
And you are...
Lloyd Gross is a fictional salesman we invented to – how do I put this – steal from the company. Embezzle. To commit fraud.
Yes.
There he is. Thats Lloyd.
Thats true.
Wait
Chair
Okay
Dont listen to him.
Nope.
Prestige is ours. Okay
Make a decision.
Jim
Damn it!
Wha – what is this supposed to be?
Jim
What?
Its him! Do something! Get out!
Go slash his tires! Go dent his hood.   Thats it? Oh
Come on
Yeah.
Hit the nos.
Yes.
Got it. Go.
Ready? Go! Go
Ahhh!
Yeah.  Doors about to close
Go
Just run! Take the stairs!
Ill stall him. Go!
Im gonna activate the seismic failsafe. Well be stuck between floors for hours.   Oh.   My pants fell down.
My pants fell down! I dont have a belt!
Hello
Well –
I was here first.
I already made an appointment... with your secretary.
Wait
Me too. Or do you also have a monopoly on thirst?
No. Let him get his own. Its Syracuse money.
Jim couldnt land me in a thousand years.
Shut up.
What?
How have we never talked about this before? Wait. You dont even care about nationals.
Hes searching out younger gays.
...with you.
You okay
Put some ice on it.
I wanted to give a nice gift to the tenants in the building. At first I thought
...their own children.
Hey everybody
Jim
Wha-?   Damn it
Great
Up here.
Jim
Thats it.
Cute kids
Well
Nice to see you. May I hold him?
Okay
Really?
Okay
Okay
He defecated
Is this what you were looking for? Huh? Huh?
Operation Phoenix is a go. Just get the car ready.
Hello.
Theyre testing it now.
Seventy-two hours.
Yes.
How was my summer? It was pretty mixed. I invented a new power drink made out of beet runoff. Mmm
I dont see it.
Yes
In a way its like I have a son. And who knows? Maybe someday theyll hire someone who looks like a younger version of him. And then Ill have a grandson.
Good boy
Ah
Well
Just how this going to be
So what kind of farming you into
Spoken like a true root man.
My calls?
You want a list of my clients? You want my leads?
Ok
With my leads and stuff like that?
Cause youre interested in going into sales?
Wow
Youre not getting my clients! Nice try.
Paranoid? Im not familiar with the word. And I really dont have time to learn new words right now
Jim
The new guys. Dwight Jr is after my job. Yeah. There is a shark hiding inside that adorable little cherub.
Wait
The new guys called a sales meeting?
Theres no belt above black. Is there a belt above black?
Boo
Ok
Thats not true. Just give me another chance.
What?
This is a stupid activity. I would be embarrassed to be good at it.   Idiots.
Slack lining
Pam? Hey come up here
Come here
Do you see how the trapeze completely surrounds the wire? That means its literally impossible for anyone to fall off. So you will merely sit below and be my counterweight as I pedal across the parking lot to that telephone pole.
You will. Yeah we weigh about the same
So youll do it?
Come on
Come on.
No
Please? Please
I cant use Phyllis. Are you kidding me? The moment she steps off this bar Ill be launched into space. God
Ok.  Oh
Attention
Woo!  starts pedaling out until trapeze bike flips over
I will not be participating as there is no evidence that charity works.
No thank you.
Fine
Which was recently discovered to be a front for the Taliban.
Yeah. The Taliban in Afa-ghanistan.
Well
Anything else would be inconsistent.
Absolutely
I feared Nellie had some sort of a plan but she used a ridiculous font. Huh.   You dont have a plan.
What the?
Gimme that.
Youre insane.
Oh
This cleaver appears to need sharpening. I suggest you spend some quality time together just you and your hand. Tie a shoe
Sounds like a plan.
This is it. Any questions?
No. Its gonna be over before you know it.
Heh! Ha!    Darryl enters
Ha!   This is for real this time.
No
No.
Oh god.
Yeah.
Yes.
If you like James Franco
Whoopty doo. That doesnt make you a genius.
Yeah
No
Youre the stupid one.
Youre the stupid one.
You
Who are you?
Youre not Jim. Jims not Asian
Alright then Jim. Ahhh
How did you know? No! No
You dont work here! Youre not Jim!
I dont know who you are
Oh my—! Oh d—! Oh
Ah
You wanna learn a really impressive second language? Try dothraki. Win over any man in my guild.
Dothraki is the native tongue of the nomadic war-mongering horse lords of Essos as featured in the superb Home Box Office series
I could teach you if you want. Its a lot easier than French.
Atherozar!
It means excellent. And we have begun.
I throat-rip.
You throat-rip.
He/she/it throat rips.
More of a
Louder! Youre shouting it from the back of a horse!
Daraas!
Daraas!   Does anyone here have fermented mares milk?
People laughed at Klingon at first
Was a member of the Bund. Which is not technically the same thing as the Nazi party. So...
Oh. I was joking about that whole Bund thing. Oh ho
Yeah
Fail!
Oh
Nothing! Nothing is going on. Keep moving please.
OK
OK
Oh
Statistical correlations exist between EMF radiation and various health hazards. But mainstream studies are inconclusive! That means you cant make me do squat.
You people dont realize what youre asking. Id have to rip open the walls. Wed have to shut this place down for a week.
What? Come on.
I know what Jim is trying to do. Hes trying to get big bad Dwight to shell out for a huge repair job while lucky Jimbo gets a paid vacation. Well sorry
Had em all my life.
No nobbies
Yeah right.
Psh. Keep your snacks on your side
Some of these kernels have crowned.
Andy!
So
In my contract
Bring it in!
Roll into the future with Work Bus. Say goodbye to wasteful buildings. These days a mobile office isnt just for hotshot politicians. Now anyone can rent a work bus.   If youve got a parking lot
What can I say? I love justice. You forced me to spend money on needless repairs
Its not my responsibility to solve your marriage problems by spending my money on gas.
No. No! This is a work bus. The wheels are for transporting the work space to and from the work site.
Get your foot behind the yellow line.
Im sorry to spoil Jims fantastic voyage everyone
That name brand place? Nope forget about it
Stop ordering me around
OK
Im barren
My trouser hives are void of honey. I had congress with Angela and the child that she bore did not issue from my loins. I thought I would be a father and instead I am a eunuch. Neutered by my own building.
You mean you flooded my building with dangerous electromagnetic radiation as a prank?
Thats genius. Thats the best prank youve ever done.
Really? How long did it take you and Pam to conceive?
What position did you use to conceive?
Regular? Or lady on her back? You used lady on her back
You know theres a phrase about that in German. Bildenkinder. Used almost exclusively by childless landlords to console themselves. But now? I really understand it.
Bildenkinder.
When you dont get out of the way! Out of the way!
Oh
Everybody! Hang on!
This year I decided to really get into the spirit of Halloween.
It may have been the costliest decision Ive ever made.
My greased up head went into the pumpkin no problem
I cant get it out. Try again!
I mean
Jim
But as Jim and I discovered... No! ... any blow to the pumpkin itself could prove fatal to me.
At first I drove myself crazy thinking about the things I should have done differently. I never should have played that joke on Erin. I never should have hollowed out this damn pumpkin in the first place. Then I realized that I was being silly. I mean the pumpkin should rot off of my head in a month or two. Right?
What lab did these little clones escape from?
Jim. Look Im eating you.
Ha ha. Hey Erin
Must eat more Jims. Oink oink oink oink.
Oh no
Hello little pill. What do you do?
Dumatril is licensed to treat anxiety symptoms
Dumatril!
Dumatril.
This is a pill that I found here in the office. But its not for worms or eczema like any normal pill. Its not for any disorder of the body.   Its for a disorder of the mind.
Okay
Why are you trying so hard to bury this thing
Ill get my apprehension kit.
Hi Daryl. Im just here to smear some peanut butter on my forehead.
That makes sense to you
So this makes sense then. Or is it crazy?
Is that where the nanobots like to come in?
Is that how they like to get in?
I dont know. I just dont know.
Hey.
All right. All right
You think I dont have anxiety? I have anxiety all the time. Every waking moment of my life is sheer torture. I have land disputes Ive got to settle and idiot cousins to protect. And neer- do- well siblings to take care of. But I dont need some stupid pill to get me through all this.
Ah ha! Ha!!! The jig is up
Gotcha! Yeah! Lets see ya get out of this web
What?
Oh.
I agree. Yes
I want some of those pills.
Oh
Which one? Mose or the real Mose?
He says Thank you.
I do! I do. I do. I do. I do.
The media can make you famous. And do you have any idea how easy it is to sell something when youre famous?   Uh
blah blah blah
...In a bitter battle..Hey
Tricky siskel spat a bit of wicked biscuit....
Vroom! Dunder Mifflin. Dunder Mifflin. Good. Sounds-  phone rings in break room
Iris
Iris
Entirely is the perfect way to describe it
Yes..?
Now then
Thats impossible.
OK
This is gotcha journalism. You know what? Theyre not gonna gotch me.
This is slander
Thank you Sandra!
Do not listen to her! This employee is obviously disgruntled!
Get out of here moron!
uhhhh....no one.
No

Thats what Im saying! No of course not!
My resignation? What are you talking about? No! I was just following orders! Listen
Please sir! Spare him. Please.
Ok
David
Oh
Oh
Youre welcome
Walk out of the house...
...with your hands on top of your head
enters main office
Shrute! Shrute!
Overall
Dwight Schrute.   Well
And you didnt call Jim - that seems significant.
No
Okay
The White Pages.
The White Pages: Do you want it? No. Do you use it? No. Does it inexplicably show up on your doorstep three times a year? Yes
Im gonna need to put you on hold for a second.   Hah! Yah! Woooo! Eat it Jim! Eat it Phyllis! Eat... wheres Stanley?
Will you run into the bathroom and tell him to eat it?
Yeah! Okay.   Hey David
So uh
Her name?
Shhh!   Thanks David! Thank you so much for calling me!
Good luck to you.
That is a damnable lie. I love women.
‘Gy-na said that?
Okay. With pleasure. Get ready to learn a few new tricks
Hello.
May I please speak to your boss?
Okay

I never sit down during sales meetings. I want to appear aggressive and imposing. I am going to sell to you in twelve minutes
I will tell her what her needs are and then fill them. So this is going to work out best for you if you just relax and do nothing. And once Im finished
I thought it went great.
Yes.
Thats impossible. Listening happens in the ear and in the brain. I mean
What are you doing?
Kind of.
I am a person.
Thats a bit extreme.
Okay
Hello.
Thank you. Im so proud of them. I carried each one of them for nine months inside of my torso and then pushed them out of my v*g1n*.
Look
I had a barber once who used to comb my hair gently.
Okay
He used to fight dogs.
Little of this
Just a little off the top and then a nice combing. Yeah
Oh
Hey. Your daughter could be a bubble bath model. I could just bite her head off.
Listening.
Sorry.
Okay.
Yes
Jan... You thought I had no more cards left to play. Well Ive got one. Man-boy! The Ace of Babes.
Youre the Quiznos.   Jan
Hmm?
Hes been growing that mustache for weeks. Best he can do... So young.
Very good.
Oh and uh
Oh
Thats all you need. And when I have curried favor with her
Because you are my friend and you are a woman... And women love gossip. Its like air to you people. Ugh
Well
Come on in
I know. Thats not why Im naked. I always work out without my clothes.
Oh
All right
Yeah
I can try. Im gonna use SMS text.
Text went through.
All we can do is sit and wait.
Oh
Get in the van.
Well
Does he own a gun? Show her.
Do you have any idea how many guns Trevors had stolen from him?
Mm-hmm. Good safe?
Wow!
You get half now and half upon completion of said job.
You cant have someone murdered.
What did they do to you
Oh
Yes. Crazy. Thank you.
No! No!
Absolutely not. There are a lot of different ways to get revenge. Ive had great success by defecating in a paper bag
No! Youre not helping
No. Angela! What are you saying?
Im trying
Okay. But its cruel
The target-- its Oscar
Your nostrils tell a different story. They flare like that every time youre engaging in deception. Hello again
Well I could understand you wanting to get a strangers knees whacked. But a co-worker-- Dare I say
I cant even imagine how painful this must be for you. But the first ones to break your marriage vows were you and me.
What do you mean?
No! No
Oscar? Oscar. Oscar
Come -- come with me.
There are a bunch of construction workers in the warehouse without their trousers
Theres no time to explain.   Okay
What is wrong with you? There are a million gorgeous guys in the Scranton Wilkes-Barre area
Oh
Aah! Actually
No
Disarm!
Dont move. And disarm now!
No! No
No.
See ya later
I just saved your life. Youre welcome!
Oscar.
Youre not stupid. Jazz is stupid.
I know. Youre gonna be okay
I dont like him either.  And yet I really like him.
Where does gayness come from? And how is it transmitted?
Is it called red-vining?
We heard it was called red-vining.
Where are gay mens vaginas?
What?
When two gay men have s*x
Uh
Philadelphia. From the greek phila meaning Love
What about an authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? Drink some gluhwein
Or
This is me and my family celebrating Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas in 1982 on the farm. Theres me and my brother Jeb breaking the ceremonial pig rib. He doesnt come back for Christmas anymore. The sepia tint is from an app on my phone. This is the same photo
Yes! Yeah!   Yeah! Okay! Yes! Its a Christmas Miracle!   Yeah! Whoo-Hoo!
Uh-huh.
Uh
You have never been cooler.
And Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas has officially begun.
That is gluhwein
Somebodys found the hog maw.
What? Its a Pennsylvania Dutch specialty. Hog maw. Thats a beauty
It is stuffed pig stomach. And
This is austere
Have you ever tasted a Shepherds Crook?
Wait
Ohh...  Judgment is nigh
I am nigh!
Every year
Ooh
No
Yes
No.
Okay
Oh
Take a bowl and pass it down.
No
No
I decided earlier.
Of course I checked it.
I checked it more than once.
Impish or admirable.
Phyllis Vance! Cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here! I judge your year as...admirable.   There you are.
Its a set of rubber gaskets for canning jars.
You cant have the bowl! Oscar Martinez
No
In a head-to-head contest
Stop giggling.
Its a punishment.   Hey
But you work tomorrow.
But we were gonna break the pig rib.
Remember?
No matter! Belsnickel cares not about this--off with you!
Wait
Jim Halpert. Cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here!   I judge your year as impish.
I judge you impish!
Theyre not abandoning the party.
Impish!
Partys over. You quit on Christmas
Everyone thought the food was gross
Jim couldnt even stay till the end of the party.
I dont care. Guess how much I care on a scale of one to ten.
Damn It!
No
Shh. Lets not speak of that. The Pig Rib! We could totally break the pig rib! Im gonna dig it out of the trash!
Comes back in
Oh!  Pig rib breaks and Jim wins
Very impish.
What? Lice? Oh my god. Lock the doors
Just lice Pam?
Of all of the vermin in Gods great green kingdom
Make way
Should be. I use lice shampoo every morning.
Its a Hazmat suit. That stands for hazaderous materials mens suit wearing. If you rent more than four times a year
Renters. Ok
Scalp leeches
To be burned!
Im not gonna lie. Lye!
Lets talk pubes
Oh sure
swings the scissors around and puts them into his pocket
Shes right Pam.
Yeah theres a volume knob on that thing.
Attention
Whoa. Hypertoxide has a mild hallucigenic effect
I had a pretty good day today. Not everything went exactly according to plan
Stone and Son Suit Warehouse recently lost their paper provider. Theyre a family owned business  . Jim and I used to clean up at those. Wed go in pretending to be family – brothers. We did it at a family owned law firm
I hope youve been paying your wig storage bills Jimbo
Oh
Phyllis
Oh
How is that my problem? Get in your car and drive down here. You can make it in 30 minutes if you drive 240 miles per hour.
Mmm. Thats a good... question. 300 times...   180... Um that comes to 25 minutes.   Yes. Oh
There he is!   We are all so proud of you for the small part that you played in landing the white pages. Prouder of me
Gosh
How would you like to pretend to by my son in order to land a sale?
Then looks like we have a deal... Son
You know
Oh! Youre a hunter I see. Spend your early mornings out in the blinds
Guilty!
It was his birthday
...But I think that all of your concerns will be answered when you see the brochure that Clarks getting out of my car. Hes a good boy
Oh... really.
Well
What took you so long? Were you loitering out there like a hooligan
Youre being disrespectful!
We dont get along.
Terrible!
Yes! Genius. Stupid
I bet you have. He knows nothing about what people have heard before
Maybe if you listened a little bit
His last girlfriend was a transvestite. I knew it right away. Adams apple like the prow of a ship
Yeah? Like what?
That never happened. Hes always been a liar. Ever since he was a little kid. He got caught saving treats from the kitty litter box.
Glistening brown morsels tumbling from every pouch in his trousers.
Following the cat around on his knees with his hands cupped beneath its tail
Got cat turd collector written all over him.
Do you mind? The men are talking.
Us old timers need to stick together. And how better than by signing a contract?
Wait
Yeah
That place doesnt exist. Its not a documented island. Ha ha
Actually... You look great. They steered you right. I guess it does make sense buying from a father son team. You know what? Ill take one too.
Yes! We did it!
And you closed it. The boys are back in town.   High fives! Ha ha!
You got me!   I used to collect them!
Each one is very different
Gotta clear out these file cabinets people
Aha! A lightbulb.
A lightbulb. Okay. Okay.   Invisible ink.
Higher than numbers go. The ceiling above accounting!
An X.
Oh.
Sedes introiti. Seat of entrance.

Lets just forget it. Forget it.
Pfft
Youre working for Stumpany too?
What?
Hey
You wont stop until youve poached us all.
No. Ill be damned if Im gonna let us lose me.
Hey
Youre welcome.
This -- uh
Yeah
Bust out your complaint files. I need everything youve got on Darryl since he started working for Jim in the last few weeks. Break it down by keyword
Okay
Customer Loyalty. What is it? Can you hold it in your hand? Can you nudge it with your finger? Can you dump it on a woman? No. Why? Because its an idea. But what does it mean?
Not even close. Mr. Romanko has been a client for 20 years. He came in today in a rage. Why? Because of Darryl. Because Darryl was focusing on outside projects and needs to remember his first priority-- the client.
No
Loyalty.
Thank you.
Yes.
Yeah.
Thank you so much for coming. Darryl and I will be here to serve you for years and years and years and years.   So
It cant be more fun than selling paper and paper products.
Are you pretending to be crazy
You looking for fun? It just found you! Woo!   Here we go! Yeah!
Yes
Uh
Yes. Fast food. Ill take a burger over a gross Philly cheese-steak any day.
Not like this.
Thank you.
Nope.   Fire in the hole!   Oh
Wait
Its a youtube thing! Lets go. Lets go. Come on
It barely even feels like a prank anymore.
Ha ha! Yeah

What? What was that? Did I just hear you laughing with glee?
Thats right
Oh
Wallace is letting me hire a junior sales associate to sit at Jims desk while hes away in Philly. Finally Ill have someone at my desk clump who gets me. Its like
Mm-hmm.
You know what? Youre gonna get your interview
Clark has no chance. I mean
Big changes coming to the old desk clump. No longer a Pam-Jim alliance against Dwight. Now it is Dwight and a friend axis against Pam.
I chose my words very carefully.
Hey. Come on
Rolf is my best friend
And this chairs gonna be yours. And this desk. Ha!
No doy!
No earbuds!
So Ive got your resume here
Well
Ive worked here for 12 years. I won salesman of the year. Im an Assistant to the Regional Manager.
Wait
Well
What makes you think youd be an effective paper salesman?
Well
All right. Do you see yourself as more of a team player or a self-starter?
There were only two options.
This is a bus transfer.
I cant hire Clark. Yeah
Okay
Thank you.
Damn it! Perfect answer
Think Dwight
And anoth—
No.
It does
Oh
Next up
What quality would make you a good sales associate?
It says here on your resume that you spent the last 15 years as a sales rep for Dow Chemical.
You know we live together
And Ive never seen you go to work
So why is this on your resume?
When I was young
This is Dwight Schrute. Who am I speaking to? And dont lie. I can tell if youre lying.
David.
Really? Thats interesting. ‘Cause I was thinking that since Jim is only here part time
Sounds fair to me
No. Why not do it now?
Id love to be in the loop
Id love to invest.
Id like to give you $100 million.
Im not. These people are the best of the best. I find talent an attractive quality in a friend.
You know who else was a freak? Spider-man. And he was also a hero.
Mandatory paintball. Uh
Wolf is hilarious. He has executed me over 100 times at point-blank range. Half of ‘em
Sell me this piece of paper. Watch this.
I sure do.
I will pay you whatever it takes.
No
Okay. Good. That was great. So. Wow. Youre still at the 570 number?
Okay. Good
This isnt gonna work out.
Nate is a proven entity
No
I do that myself now.
No
Or none of you
I wish I could hire all of you.
Psst. Jim Jim?   Jim
Just act natural.
And I was thinking its only fair that you help make this decision since theyll be sitting at your desk next to your wife.
Aah! God
I guess I just have higher standards for my work colleagues than for my friends. I just couldnt picture any of them in the old gold and gray.
Summer. Winter. Jungle. Formal.
Yes. Thank you. Amazed.
What? This is such bullcrap!
Wow. So much crap. Its just a load of B.C. How could you do this to them?
Okay.
Okay
Guys
Oh
Okay.
They say that everyone outgrows their friends at some point in their lives. Well I just outgrew them all in the span of three hours.
Oh

Who
Absolutely
Okay
Aah!
Welcome to the club
Aah!
You dont have the clearance to call a conference room meeting.
Youre telling me
Lets go everyone. Super secret
Pam
If theres anything I hate worse than art
You need my pitchfork?
What is it? I have vengeance to exact.
Ah
If I get the deicing gig
I am handing out pieces of paper. On which
Incorrect. It is my fetish. Oh
Yes. Or nipplous breasts. Perhaps.
Or melons. Like cantaloups. With the halves are cut off. And then
We just need a pretense to talk to him. We could tell him that his mother is dying. That usually works on him.   Nate. Your mother is dying.
Its all right. Its all right.
No. She needs her rest again.
You know who the vandal is. Now
Theres no gum. There never was any gum.
Oh
Wait. Are you saying...
Normally
He messed with something that was important to you. We need to mess with something thats important to him.
A little eye for an eye action.
Go all Hammurabi on this clown.
I know just the man for the job.
He even looks like a mole.
I never want to see you working in the upstairs office again. Do you hear me?
Silence. Youll now be working in the warehouse with the untouchables. Now
Go move some paper!
Great. Get the plate number.
So we know which truck to van...
Yeah. Frank draws a butt on your mural
Lets see yours.
This is amazing! Frank! And hes leaving a trail of poops?
I saw that. Thats great!
Good. Im glad you feel better. This has been a wonderful day. I have to say
Ugh! Dont sympathize. Youre ruining the mood. Back to work. Draw his pen1s.
knocks on Andys door
Andy
I would be happy to. It would be my pleasure
I really like Andy these days. Hes pretend and he does exactly as I tell him to. All that will change when real Andy comes back tomorrow.   Unless he comes back as pretend Dwight. In which case
I have yet another sales order for you to sign.
Why thank you Mr. Schrute. I dont know how you do it. Youre a god. Rick-a-dick-dick-doo.
Youre back.   And youre disgusting.
Hey
No. Please. Come on
Thank you.
Yes!
Yeah!
You were on a boat.
On a boat.
In the ocean.
Im not gonna say it.
Not a word.
No!   What do you think youre doing?
Dont you dare! Andy!
Coolio.
Coolio. Coolio.
Coolio.
No
Please Ja
Two seconds of the turd dog and he loses the biggest sale this branch has ever seen.
God! I just dont know what wed do. I mean
Id like to rat out Andy. Unfortunately
Fine! The state hes in
Well
... lit the whole thing on fire. It was crazy.
Yeah.
The whole thing is in ashes. Fire department was here. It was in all the papers.
No
I need you.
And you should take breaks more often
Its my aunt Shirley
You have no idea. I mean her hair
Probably nothing
Thank you.
Angela. You owe me one
And theres parts of her I dont even recognize.
Theres this one hanging part in particular
Its like a prehensile wing or something
Its a divet...
..where it was and it needs
How dare you?
Aunt Shirley
This is Angela
OK
You know what? Before you put the new clothes on
Ok
Ok.
Yeah
It keeps her docile. Go to the kitchen
In her prime
Now all it takes is half a liter. Shes dreaming. Alright
No
Its hosing time Aunt Shirley
Youll see. Here we go.
Lets do it! Ready? Heres a box cutter to get her clothes off.
Lets get to it.
Give it a whirl.
I need you to hose my aunt.
OK you are useless.
Give me the hose!
Ahh! OK!
Yes maam.
And you look like one too. Thank you Angela.
By all means. And I will carve the roast skunk. Angela?
Would you like the stink sack?
No
Ok. Well
Right. Not outside. The horseflies. You know what? My farm is only a few acres East of here. Or
Leave him. He probably wont even notice that youre gone. Be with me
Im not talking about some frisky romp in the warehouse. We have wasted too much of our lives ignoring the fact that we belong together. The eighty or ninety years that I have left in this life...I want to spend with you.
Stand by your man. Its what I would want if you were mine.
Hold it!
I am dressed according to the Schrute codes of mourning. My aunt Shirley has died.
I would say that she raised me
My actual mother was very cold and distant. Id say she was the closest thing I had to an aunt.
Keep them.
In keeping with Schrute custom
Excuse me?
OK. Thats not...
I really hope so.
I miss her so much.
You know?
Zeke.
Are you going?
Get in the sidecar. Get in the sidecar.
Get...
at the grave site
Oh
Jeb
Uh-huh.
Doesnt matter. Its a cemetery.
Well
Well
You had black hair and then gray hair.
You were late. So
Hello
I see Esthers back in town.
Hi Esther. Nice of you to come today.
Well
OK.
So
We Schrutes dont need some Harvard doctor to tell us whos alive and whos dead. But
Thank you.
I cant stand the fact that Jeb is a pot farmer. He couldve grown anything. Anything in the world. He used to talk about growing a peanut-grape hybrid. One plant
Lets do this. Lets run Aunt Shirleys farm. Im in. Boom.
Of course you are.
Oh my god.
You know what? Lets take a couple of nights and stay here and think about Aunt Shirleys offer.
You will say yes on one. Five
OK.

Oui.
People underestimate the power of nostalgia. If baseball can use it to get people to care about that worthless sport
Yes
Which is fine. And
If you want.
This? No. Thatd be cool
Did you just ask me if this was a cow?
Come here. Come on. Grab a teat with each hand. Sit down. There you go. Squeeze from top to bottom. Really pull. Use some muscle. Draw the milk out. All right. Going all right?
Well
OK
It.   That kid doesnt put in some farm time
Seriously. Ugh. Ok
Phyllis is m*st*rb*t*ng. In the office right now as we speak.
OK
Its OK guys
Clark
Esther Ruger.
Lives on the neighboring farm. 85 acres.
Well
What do you think?
A long term tractor lease is going to put pressure on a relationship.
Esthers on her way up. I wonder if she wants a snack. Lets see
Did I tell you about her teeth?
Ah
Yes. Esther
Mr. Ruger
Ok ok ok
Security deposit. Thats been-
Right
No.
No.
I am closing a deal on a tractor with the father of a woman I plan to inseminate.
What? Dont you cap that pen. Do not cap that pen! Do not! Ugh! You capped it. Wow. You are serious. Ok
Go on.
No.
What? Has the warranty expired on the auger you have now?
No woman would ever want a man who doesnt know what an auger is.
I just need a moment to consider your offer. Excuse me.
Maybe youre right. Esthers a ten and the best Ive ever done is Angela whos a nine and she rejected me.
Who needs a new tractor anyway? Maybe were the kinda guys who end up with a tractor thats already been rode hard and put away muddy.
By hand.
I dont know that theres anything left for us to talk about
No.
That snake!
That shady grove out by Willards pond.
So
No!
Post hole digging.
Well
What does Josh McAuliffe know about the paper business? He works for a news...thing.
Well
The buyer is your sisters friend. This is the printing paper for the entire school district of Lackawanna. You are coming
Andy—  I need to talk to you.
Stanley is refusing to go out on a sales call.
So what Im hearing you say is
Mm-hmm. Good luck.
For five years Ive held my instincts in check because I wanted to be made manager. Maybe its time for me to just let that thought go. Its kind of painful
Stanley
Dont worry


Its all right. Andy approved it.
Okay
Shh. Got about 45 minutes to get him to the client before he comes to.   Grab his feet.   Lets go!
Move it! One
Hes like a manatee. Ready? Lets go again. Come on. We can do this. One
Yes.
Okay
I might see a movie.
What about you?
Lets take him—
Lets go right to the top of the stairs
Okay
Thank you. I mean
I know. Evel Knievel.

Okay
Yeah.
You use your hands and just blunt his descent
Its 15 feet down
Okay. Good call. He would have put a hole in your chest same as he put a hole in that wall.
You okay?
Almost there. Almost there.   Okay. Were running late. Lets get him inside.
Are you kidding me? The bubble wrap is the only thing thats stopping his suit from getting wrinkled. These meetings are all about presentation.
Thank you.
Lets get him inside.
Well
Fine
Hoist his shank on three.
Its by the tenderloin.
Roll him
Got it?
Get in the back.
Get in the back.
Get in.
Okay
Oh
New plan
And for—oh
Hes fine. He gets carsick really easily.
Its a long drive. He was in the backseat. But right now were talking to Mrs. Davis about the full range of the products that we offer and our competitive rates
Stanley.
Look at him. Ive never seen such a beautiful child.
Like this? Watch.
Right? Come on!
Yeah
You earned yourself a nice
Well—no
We need a winch and a hoist.
Yesterday was the first round of a branch wide paper airplane contest. It was being sponsored by Weyer-Hammer Paper in an effort to get us to sell more of their new product Airstream Deluxe A4
Im pumped!
I offered myself to Angela and she turned me down. If she changes her mind
Hey
Well
I call for a refold!
Its a piece of paper. You fold it into an airplane.
Whoo!
Come on Clark!
Whoa!
Watch and learn.
Yes!
Oh
What are you-   Youre here early.
I like a little feather in my nuggets.
Yes. I pity her. She was recently in a situation where she could have had it all
In a way. But not in a stand up and cheer kind of way
Yeah! Ok! Beat that!  Erin throws plane
After you.
Oh! Oh man! It slipped out of my hand
Alright.
Attention
Smasher? No
I had to find a new dojo after sensei Ira and I parted ways. My new sensei
I would like to invite you all to my black belt ceremony
Ah!   Thats how its done.
He will now perform the ceremonial changing of the belts!
Take my belt
Just slip it off my—Slip it off my hips.
He will now perform the ceremonial cutting-off-of-the-belt.
There it is.
We did it
Thanks. I will now perform my final kata forms. Youre gonna watch me right?
Sensei
Watching?
Watch this part
You did not just say that! You dont know Pam. She is really cool.
Yeah
You wanna get rid of a headache
Thank you. So I saw you talking to Wallace earlier. Is he going to offer you the managers job?
Yeah
Hello.
Big day for you.
Thank you.
Oh
This is exciting! Youre finally gonna get to go out and flap your wings.
Oh
Andy
Youre bad.
Say it again.
Where?
What branch?
Im sorry. Ive just waited for this moment my entire life. I mean
But this isnt interim manager. No. Its Dwight K. Schrute...   Manager.
In case Michael or Andy ever got killed in a traffic accident and there was a trade show on the same day. You will not regret this decision
I will never
David. Can I just do one thing while youre making this announcement and then Ill never
Its just one thing. Just let me—let me do this—
Just wait and send it to voicemail.
Come on. Come on.
Dwight Schrute is manager!
Pam.
Thank you
Get out of Jims seat.
Youre an annex kid. You might be bullpen
So...
I wanted to offer you a new position.
Assistant regional manager.
Jim.
Shake on it? Done. Way to negotiate
So
Thank you.
Yes
You okay?
Yesterday I was just your average
Last week I finally became permanent manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. My first project: increase security. I got these doors from a jewelry store that had recently gone out of business. Now theyre protecting Americas real treasure
But the coffee in Peru is far hotter.
This is Tuesday
The coffee in Paraguay is colder?
Ah
No
Its just harmless steam to panic intruders. Id like to get harmful steam
Break protocol! Break protocol! Break protocol!
Oh
Manager of Dunder Mifflin? Check. Owner of a 1600-acre beet farm? Check. Engaged to be married to an actual milkmaid? Check... on that later today. This is my grandmothers ring. It was made from a bullet I took out of her left buttock. She was a moonshiner shot by Adolph Coors. This is my grandmothers buttock bullet ring.
You know what to do.  waits for Jim to put form in inbox
Behind every great regional manager is a great assistant to the regional manager
Once upon a time we were natural enemies
Good call. Together we run a no-nonsense office.
Welcome.
Please take an agenda item.
Have a seat
What is going on?
Ok. Um
Im letting you all off half an hour early to view the documentary. So you can make it up to me by working an extra half an hour tomorrow
Not now! Private time!
Hey
Which is
Yes
The power source.
A loyal
Someone to whisper in the ear of the consigliore.
Id have to get some more wire and string
I like the sound of that. Who do you have in mind?
That doesnt sound crazy
That means ye
We owe Andy that much. Am I right people?
Youll always have the upper hand
Wow
You dont need to repeat right now
Not even close
Wait
No
A thousand times more.
No
Oh
I know.
Jim
Me.
Yes!   Thank you.
Okay
Smart baby. Thats the most flavorful bond.
Oink the pigs
The way that boy looks at the Galactica is precisely the way I look at the Galactica. And he eats the same kind of paper I do. Hmm.
Thank you
I need you to perform a test.
On an innocent baby.
Damn straight.
Hey
Hey
Okay.   You ever been in a managers office before?
Phillip
Yeah. Any ordinary child would have taken the money
That is because this baby is of superior intelligence. He can tell when hes being tricked out of the experience of a real human breast.
Door. Chair. Its about Phillip.
I believe that boy may be a Schrute. And if he is
Then the two of you would move to my 1
Very well.
Yes.
Jim! I need my assistant to the regional manager. Code red.
Now.
Jim. Im not kidding. I need you.
I was thinking of proposing to Esther today.
Shes got a ton of great qualities. Shes young
Plus her dowry contains a walk-in freezer full of frozen
And did I mention that she weaves? Colorful
Angela.
Some sort of virus?
Oh.
Youre a good assistant
Thats very true. Get the hell outta here.
Pull over!
Move to the side of the road!
Pull over!
Shut up
Listen to me! I love you! And I dont care that Phillips not my son. I will raise 100 children with 100 of your lovers if it means that I can be with you!
This expresses how loudly I love you.
This is a ring
I love you!
What?
What? Why would you say that—
Get out! Im a dad!
The documentary series finished airing ages ago. Why is PBS sending another crew?
pff
PBS. The propaganda wing of Bill and Melinda Gates and viewers like you.
In the past year
Today marks several important milestones. Stanley
No! And our next and most thickly frosted cake is...for...Kevin.
Go ahead and just read the frosting.
Uh-huh.
Its a colloquial way of saying youre fired
The cake has spoken Pam. Sorry.
Well if anyone here can make a case for Kevin staying.
Based...on his merit.
Toby
That is all. Have a good morning.
What was that for?
Ah. I know. It just feels so empty with so many of the old gang gone.
Oh
I brought in some new faces
Oh hey
Ever since Angela moved in and Mose had to stop sleeping at the foot of my bed
What? Ooh!
I thought you guys couldnt come.
Uh
Wait
Jim...wha... Come on! What...what are you gonna whack me
A bazooka. You remembered.
. Get out of my way.
Woo! Okay!
Amazing.
Man
Oh
No
Oh
Yes
Okay
Now
Youre telling me!
What for? We havent even gotten bread yet. Does anyone wanna split a twice baked potato?   Do you have those? Those arent deep fried
Oh
Good old Mose.
Oh
A ceremonial bridal kidnapping. He will take the bride and hide her at a local pub and when I find the place
Right. Which one is that?
Yes
Very well! Drinks on me! Bartender!   Oh.
I heard you bought a bar
Why did you pick this place?
You? You did this as a prank. My own Bestich Mensch.
Waste of a good hatchet.
I heard you say well the first time.
It was nothing personal. Its just that you were terrible at your job.
No really. You were terrible at math and organization
Thats it.
I missed you Kevin.
Ohh.
Youve had your drink. Now where is my bride?
Mose! What..ooh
No. We cant see each other on our wedding day. And her legs are still numb from being in the trunk.
With todays modern surveillance technology we are in a constant state of being watched weather its our government or the government of other countries a.k.a. Google. You guys are being filmed way more than we ever were.
You kidding? I was born ready.
Oh
Oh
Not... significant is a big word...
I think youre only a teeny...
Jim.
Michael. I cant believe you came.
Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much for coming. Now
Everybody!
Good night.
Good evening.
Hey guys.
Aww
No
Dont be an idiot. Its for the severance. The best I can do one month for every year youve been here. Thats the max.
Woah. Right. For what
Do I get along with my co-workers? Well
