Oh. Okay. And to you.
Um
We are very impressed with this branch and we are so excited about this merger.
Um
Most of our business comes from selling printers. So dont think of yourselves as paper salesmen anymore
At Sabre
We have a policy here at Sabre where we are
Actually
Ok
Little cups? Like paper or plastic or... ?
Ok
Oh
Which ones?
Well
You know what? Let me see what I can do.
First let me say that I told them everything you wanted me to say
Ok
I dont - its just...
This is Michael Scott
This is Accounting.
Over here is Meredith Palmer and Creed Bratton.
That is Jim Halpert
Oh
Um. I set my stuff up in there. So... just give me a few minutes to clean that out for you.
You never know with Jo. Sometimes were here til midnight. Sometimes she doesnt show up for three days.
Yeah
Michael
Michael
But you do. You are in charge -
- of supporting the sales staff. You are required to hand out those leads
Okay
Good.
Why do you keep repeating -
This is violent and offensive.
Its awful.  reaches for tissue box
You have some food on your face.
The beginning here has been a little bit of a fiasco. Either they dont respect me or they respect me too much. And some of them still think that Im the I.T. guy. This Cookie Monster thing is an opportunity to show people that Im an authority figure.
Hello
And thats straight from corporate. So not to be scary
Guys
Ok.
I should probably get involved in this
Ok. Ok there. I heard that. So Im sorry
Yeah
I dont want to hear it. Suspended.
So I can reprimand them but I cant suspend them. Oh I cant do either. Uh huh. Fair enough.
Hey everyone. Hi. Quite an afternoon
Great.
Guys
Guys
That was ugly. Im sorry you had to see that.
Its tacky to discuss finances. Its best to pretend that this never happened.
Can I buy everyone coffees?     Or cookies.
Alright.
You got to be able to laugh at yourself. Im one of the gang.
Why dont we say ciao to the impressions?
You would have weekly conference calls with executives in corporate. A two-week training program at the Yale school of management
Oh
You have to be a minority.
Those dont really count. Were thinking more ethnic and racial minorities.
Hmm?
Well...
What?
Yeah
Darryl withdrew his application. He said the Yale program interfered with his softball league
Yeah
Thats very nice.   I never noticed that before.
Yeah. I dont want to be offensive but
Well
Everyone
Theyre going to be pretty pleased in Tallahassee that I snagged an Indian for the program. Shell be the first. The programs mostly black. Its almost too black. That didnt sound right.
Theres no way that you guys have any almond butter
Thats weird. I havent heard of that happening. I would even settle for apricot preserves.
I dont know. Call HQ
I talked to corporate. Turns out there have been 12 reports of faulty printers. Out of 400
Guys?
Can you two please join me in my office? Now.
I dont wanna be the heavy here
Good. Okay. End of the dressing down. I just hate that part of the job
Okay. Thats great
Im sure you got my email about the printer fires. The one with the branching decision tree? I actually designed that chart. Kinda hoping it catches on.   Anyway
Are you leaving? Oh
All right. Uh
What a rich timbre your voice has. Okay
Uh
Uh
I know you want to make your movie
But it does say that you can not bring weapons into work...

Where? Theres nowhere to run!   Okay...
You can not sneak up on people wielding weapons anymore. Its petrifying and frankly
Look
Really?
People usually say my voice is really nasally. Stepdad says I sound like Truman Capote
I would love to.
Um
Huuh.
She assumed it was just another typical day at work.
You cant bring weapons into work

Third Floors the harm!
Hey
Sorry
Im gonna head back to Siberia there. Ciao.
I started dating Erin this summer. It has been
Thatd be hilarious. Uh
Those overnight packages needed to go out
Michael
Legal says the best way to protect us from a lawsuit is to call this a stress-induced outburst. You will have to undergo six sessions of counseling.
Good. Well
And
The alternative is termination.  Michael stares off
Yeah.
Right
Thank you so much.
Oh boy. Can you get every department heads signature on this so I can back this up to corporate?
So
That is not how it seems to me.
You marked severe in all the categories
Im back! Ha ha. Pam
Great.
The problem
At all.
Pam
I dont want to say it.
Mm-hmm.
Statements of such nature
Will do... Can I get one of those name plates... that says Gabe Lewis?
Nope.
This wasnt really about Meredith was it. You and Erin are broken up.
I asked you if it was ok if I asked her out. You said
Ill let this slide
In case you cant read m-m-my Poker Face...   we will be reviewing our sales policies.  accepts note from Michael
When our warehouse workers make deliveries
That is correct.
Not here.
Okay
Uh uh. Corporate stole nothing
Okay...
In the future
Okay
Ohh. Dropping bombs
Yeah.
Youre right
Okay. Were going to table the hat question. The best ideas are going to come to me
Okay
Michael
Well
Okay
So these are your cheeses
You dont really toss the dough.
Welcome to my Man Cave! I did my senior year in prog in Japan. Best year of my life.
Oh! I like to play soundscapes. I imagine one instant of a song
Its a little loud...
Some of us are trying to have a conversation.
Ill just turn the captions on.
Thats for the other box.
Lets go ahead and wash our hands.
Yep! Waste not right?
Erin you dont have to...
Michael! You are making this harder than it has to be.
Its still on upstairs.
See ya Oscar!
What happened?
How much?
Ive got just the thing!  leaves
Is this job really about the money for you
When youre dealing with a large organization
Nudity makes me uncomfortable.
My gym allows it. I wish they didnt
Hey
Can you at least try to look busy?
Gabe Lewis.
Well
Oh my God
We just want to say how grateful we are.
Kelly
Erin and I make great use of ours.
Yes
Im not sure the temporary replacement of an H.R. rep really warrants a party.
Yet another opportunity where a blanket would have come in handy.
Intercepted!
Whoops.
I picked out our movie. Its called Suspiria. It pushes all the boundaries. All your preconceived notions about what horror can be come crashing down.
Ooh.
It is hard to explain why Erin is doing so well today. The only thing I can think is Erin is living out some Slumdog Millionaire scenario
So
Well
So I got us a compromise. This movies called Hardware. It tells the story of a killer combat robot
Nice guy.
No no. No no no.
Ok.   No no no.
Ok
Unless we can all agree to some ground rules. Its either that or I can fax this to Joe and let her decide how to proceed.
Number one
Number two : no pop culture references.
I think we can all agree that they tend to alienate those who dont get the reference
Ok final thing
Sticky Quips are fun. They are safe. They are handy. I like to use Sticky Quips as regular Post-It notes when I am in a fun mood.   Not every day.
Go get em. Start quipin.
So what
Oh
Hey...
Too late! Oh. Ha. An IM chat. Very clever. Ill just print that out. Come on guys. Grow up. I dont want to be your babysitter.
Darn it Bob. I told you not to buy a Sabre brand lifeboat.
No
Wake up
Uh
Umm... You dont have to sniff my rear end anymore
Tasteless?
More tasteless than this...is that a palm tree or did Gabe get skinnier? Either way
Uh
Oh
I know what it smells like but I didnt roll in anything. Its from listening to all of Gabes bull .   Isnt this the perfect romantic getaway
Gabes mom... hmm... Gabes mom? Wait. Tall woman? Looks like Gabe? Yeah
And what do we have here?
Come on.
I dominate Valentines Day. I practically make romance into a science.
Oh
Well
The puzzle is the clue.
I hear them kissing all the time. Its this horrible plipping sound. You know
Thank you all for meeting on such sort notice.
Yes?
Seeing as its Valentines Day
First things first. An office romance is permissible. Not something youd expect to hear from corporate. Well
I get it. Andys slamming my girlfriend. Very funny. What I do not approve of
They dont touch. They dont kiss. You would hardly even know that they were husband and wife.
Okay. So
Yeah
Butt honking. Yeah
Sure. Basically
Maybe you find your own chair.
You have to cut it out.
No one is a bigger fan of sexual touching than me. But with you two
Number two : Youre desperately trying to fit in a whole relationship before Toby comes back from jury duty and Holly has to go back to Nashua. Or three : Youre at an age where your sexual climaxes arent as powerful so you need to overcompensate with foreplay
Im such a klutz!
Will you marry me?
First things first
Ahh. There you go. Get a recommendation from Michael. Thatll put you right on the shortlist for next time theres an opening.
What recommendation?
...Im sorry
What?
stands up and walks to stage
Stay away from Erin!
Im your boss!
No
No! You go away!  storms out
Andy walks by with DeAngelo
I need to talk to you!
Someday
Just read the letter under your windshield wiper
Okay...
Im either going to quit today
Oh
320. Just freeballin it.
Give or take.
Umm
Was it Pam?
Well
Total brain burp.
Droswip
Hey
Can I talk to you a second about these client memos?
Are you still in love with Erin?
Because I am. I need to get her back.   I cant be alone anymore. Andy
No. I dont like being alone with me either
Do you promise that?
No
Im sorry. This cant wait.
Erin
Or maybe theres a God. I dont know. I mean
Well... its just...   it messes up my rhythm.
I cant reach Jo. She must already be on the plane.
No! We really shouldnt be without a receptionist. Now more than ever.
Im gonna keep trying Jo.
Hey
Hope Im not interrupting anything.
Hey
I just thought that it was so interesting that you promised that.
No
Yep.
Well... its an interview
How would we know that
Okay
No.
Oh? Uh... we havent started the interview yet. Were you--were you joking?
Whoa! Thats a very heavy accusation to level against Toby.
Well
I have two relationships with Andy. I have a personal relationship
How many windows are there in New York City?
Critical thinking. Common
No... How far away is the Sun?
Shut up about the Sun! SHUT UP about the SUN!  slams fist
Great!   Um
We just have a lot of serious candidates to get through today
What do you want me to say? I mean
A little un-specific.
How would you compare
Okay.
Okay
All right.
I have no idea.
Very unprofessional
How much time do you have? Sales ability? None. Integrity? See sales ability.
Yes
Oh
That sounds like a promotion!
Gotta catch a plane.
Oh
Okay
There are plenty of people who love touching me.  camera zooms to Ryan
I cannot believe that Andy is throwing a party like this just to impress the CEO. Classic Gabe move. Hey Andy
I cant believe I didnt think of toasting Robert. Get in the game
I would also like to toast Robert California. Mr. California
To Robert California
And I overheard
Sweetheart.
Ok where does Gabe factor in?
Yes. Lars and Decoccos
I will make this sexier than you could ever imagine.
laughs
Ok let me go get it.
The cinema of the unsettling is a growing film movement. The most well known film in the genre is an hour long shot of a squirrel with diarrhea.
Yeah it seems like there isnt a narrative.   Maybe the filmmaker realized that even narrative is comforting.
Hey.
Mondays suck.
Hey. I need you to get the paperwork rolling on a new workplace relationship.
Yes. For Gabe.
Whom Im seeing is Val from down in the warehouse.
Im not technically seeing her
Ok
Yeah we had a whole conversation about Mondays...
Toby Im going to tell you her last name tomorrow because shes going to be screaming it tonight.
Hey! Watch it.
Its for protecting my ass. When you suckers lift more than you can handle. Sup
Look at this
I get the sense that Val enjoys a good putdown. Considering thats the only thing I know about her. I will be milking that hard.
Its like a hula hoop. Right. Mele Kalikimaka is the wise way.
The Michelin man called
Hey Darryl
Uh.
Decaf frap-
Hey. Youre welcome.
So
Yes
I could quit. Problem solved.
Well hes probably a drug dealer. Thats the best way to land a hot girlfriend. You just uh get her hooked on blow.
Its one of the most common fetishes.
The Sabre Code of Conduct outlines the governing principles key to establishing and maintaining trust with our employees
Oh
And trustworthy in all your business activities and relationships. Treat one another-
Fun fact. In France
No
Apparently
Okay
Oh
I just dont understand. Its 1865
Abe and Mary are seated watching the show.   Oh Mary this is wonderful... Ok Mary stop your scolding. Ill be quiet.   I need her like I need a hole in the head!     BANG! Ooh  Gabe falls to the ground and the crowd claps
I didnt know Darryl joined.
Nice pelvic bowl. Deep.
Dwight? What are you doing here?
Course I know.
Corporate says to me
You can reduce your prices by ten percent or were going to be finding a new source for our morning bagels. All right.
Yeah. But not just bagels. All unwanted problems. Question: Whats the most important appliance in your house?
Too slow. Its the toilet. And I am the toilet of this office. I flush away annoying problems so others can keep their hands clean. And
CEO to COO. What a difference a letter makes.
Youre really going to like Bill. He
Your wish is my command.
Hey man
Well
I can see you in the jungle now.
I know.
What?
Youre doing great. You know
Dwight
Ow! He went home.
Uh
Ow! Ow! Stephanie
I dont know. All I know is the building.
Yay Robert!
Im feeling eighty-two
Well
Too kind doesnt begin to cover it.
And Gabe-y makes three.
Yup. We could watch some right now if you want. I got a Korean film on my iPod if you want to just- if you have the cables.
And that goes double for me. Ill stay even later than youd like.
So leave.
Everyone
Oh
I love maternity wards. Its the perfect blend of love and horror. Things can go so wrong or so right.
Youve reached Gabe Lewis
You had something important to tell me?
Wait
What happens if youre the hunchback?
Well
Whats in it for GSL?
Got it.
They dont make these cords in boot cut anymore!
Im not just saying this
Guys
Ah! Ha ha ha!
I dont really see what the problem is. Erin doesnt even like s*x
Ive read- and I dont know anything about this personally- but they say prostate stimulation can help.
This is just
I know
Ugh
I remember when people thought biceps were all that. Theyd flex them all night at the discotheque.
Yeah.
Cores critical. There are four tenets of pilates that I live my life by. One – lengthen. Two – elongate.
I love the burn. The burn is where I live.
Speed set. One. Two.
Five. Six.
We got it?
Yeah
Did someone say girl talk?
Sometimes I wonder if I have ovaries in my scrotum
Have you guys been watching any good Korean soap operas? Im pretty deep into Hee-Jungcinderella girl. Although
Uh
Oh
Happy birthday to Gabe!
Hello beautiful.
We absolutely did. Thank you for remembering that.
You know
Yeah. He told me you two broke up.
You must be pretty horny.
Honestly
I still wear Erins button-downs around the condo sometimes. So it feels to me like were still in a relationship-
...a lot of the time.
Oh no no no no no no. She wouldnt even let me say it. It was adorable. She would plug her ears and scream her heat out.
I got a tattoo for you.
Just do it. You were the it that I was just doing.
I technically cannot. I dont have the lung capacity to blow a whistle.
What kind of music are you into
Really? All kinds? So you like songs of hate written by the white knights of the Ku Klux Klan?
Erin
Erin
Give me one night with you...
I have shaved everything...
I am as smooth as a porpoise. {Erin argues
Shove his sashimi!
