Michael. Michael
Could you mean v*g1n*? Because if you do
A uterus is different from a v*g1n*. I still have a v*g1n*.
Oh! Surprise.
Yes.
Uh
I cant eat dairy.
Yeah
Happy Bird-day Um... Meredith
That was Stanley. Meredith
This is from Michael. Meredith
No
Youre right. Youre right. Yes.
Um... what about office romance?
Wow!
Legends of the Fall
...and Ghost. But
...Jim.
Is there anybody else.
Ill take the teapot.
Damn it.
I really want the iPod.
Ill take the oven mitt.
We can drink?
Me. Please.
The deal is that this is my last hurrah
Yeah.
Yep.
Yeah.
All right!
Me.
Wow!
You can take my van!
Hi. Im Meredith and Im an alch... good at supplier relations.
In five years
Four and a half.
Oh
Slip.
Happy Valentines Day darling. Love Bob Vance
Yeah. Wow.
Um
I got permission to bring Jake into work
Did you hear anything yet?
Wow.
Gosh
You think I stole $3
Please. If I stole $3
Yeah. We should go out and get a beer after work. Or
Yeah. So
Yes. Im a single mom. I would never do anything to jeopardize my kid.
My ex-husband took Wendy
Sure.
You guys want to get that beer?
That town smells like cheese steaks.
I have a lot of work to do.
Do you want to make Appletinis and watch s*x and the City at my place?
Oh
Hey
Whered you get that salad?
What was your cell like?
Yes.
Is that a threat?
No thanks. Theyre too sweet.
Gertys.
I dont remember.
SHUT UP ANGELA!
Wait
I thought youre not supposed to wear white to a wedding.
I really want to come out!
Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Get off! Get off me! Get off me!
Get off me! Get it off! Ahhhh!
I dont remember doing that.
Thanks. I know how to drive.
My car
Its a little too tight. Im gonna find another spot.
Crap.
Oh Im excited. Today is Beach Day! And Michael is taking the whole office to the beach. So Im wearing my bathing suit underneath my shirt  lifts up shirt
What is it?
You got a haircut. Its sexy
Turn around.
Yes.
Do it!
You know what? Dont even worry about it. Everyone was so drunk
I would never do that. Waste of money. In my experience
At the same time.
This is weird.
No dont bother the nurse
Thanks.
No
I have no idea.
Well it was really great of all of you to come and visit me at the same time. Ill see you guys at the office.
Michael
You cracked my pelvis
Youre not forgiven.

Dont pull any plugs.
Better.
Yes. Dwight here
And a rat. Separate occasions.
Hey Michael.
Better.
Im in because you hit me with your car. But I wanted to say
Sure.
Hey... there he is.
I never thanked you for coming to the hospital.
Well
Anyway
And I was wondering if you could sign my cast?
Can you write where I can read it?
Ill read this when I get home.
Three hundred and five.
Oop. It just made another sale. Three eighty.
Four-oh-two.
What do you want me to do
I think it looks good.
I cant believe he has a second job.
Im excited about doing the ad
You comin?
Piss or get off the pot!
I love camping.   Anything can happen.
Hey
I really prefer devils food cake.
Yes!
What is Jim thinking? Its a birthday
Dont patronize me.
Owww!
Guys
Almost.
Thanks for bringing that up.
Okay. One two three-   Oh lets do it again. Pam your smile is weird.
One
Drunk? No! You cant get drunk off Kahlua. Its just a kind of coffee.
See you guys.  chorus of goodbyes
Oh please
Youre gonna be here a long time.
Nurse! I just need some water. And my pills. Thank you.
Theres nothing in here.
Angela
How am I supposed to know what that is?
I dont know why Im not in The Finer Arts Club  . Its bullcrap.  throws her cup on the floor
Hi
Its a couple streets over.
Sure! That sounds fun!
I hate that bitch. I wanna cut her face.
Pretend? Or really make one?
Make your own  in sandwich.
What should we do with all these leftovers?
I like her nails.
I like her fingernails.
Nothing.
Ill smoke with you. I got a bag of cigars in my purse.
Ill go. Have you guys ever met Bruce Meyers
Well for the past six years I have been sleeping with him in exchange for discounts on our supplies and Outback Steakhouse gift certificates.
Exchange of steak. Have you ever had sirloin steak
Liaisons
Am I in trouble here or something?
Nah
Well its funny. Maybe its a girl thing
Well... Im not quitting.
Dont sign anything.
Am I getting fired?
Hey
I got some in my minivan somewhere.
Ass...turd.
You know I once dated a couple of guys from Cornell. They were really nice. They gave me a ride home.
Hello.
Its just a van.
Look
Pam failed art school.
Come on.
Sincerely
Yeh
Jim
Oh... my... GOD!!!   Hit me again.
Ahh yeah!!
continuing to dance
Im all right. Im all right.
A little better. I threw up.
Im not an alcoholic.
I dont care what everyone thinks. I know I am not an alcoholic.
Sure.
Obviously.
Youre welcome.
I am fine.
I know I drink. I like to party
I am not an alcoholic!
I dont mind telling you that I have an addiction. I do. To p0rn.
We just missed Poor Richards.
Yeah
The Bog? Coopers
...Brixxs
...The Fort
Well
Yeah... all right.
Enough of this Christmas crap. Lets get some party music.   Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah thats better.
Sunrise Rehab? No! No! No! I told you no! There is no way!
No way! There is no way! No way!
No way! No way! There is no way!
No! No way! I told you. We talked about this. There is absolutely no way. No! No! There is no way! No! No! I am not going in there! I am not going in there!
I am not going in there! NO!!
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Just wait! Just wait!
Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! No! No!
No! No! No! There is no way! There is no way!
There is no way! There is no way! No! No!
This man is crazy! This man is crazy!
No! No! No! No! No!
NO!!!
I knew something bad was gonna happen today.
Yeah
Ive had two men fight over me before. Usually its over which one gets to hold the camcorder.
I call loser!
Theres a star-shaped thing taped under the kitchen table.
Hey
Shes got mean eyes.
She is an amazing actress.
Chunky monkey.
Michael? You ran over me with your car. You posted a picture of my bare boobs on the bulletin board with a caption that said Gross...
Michael
How much?
Seven grand?
I gotta see that little bitch.
Shes right. I had my second kid just for the vacation.
Awesome!
Yeah
Surprise!
Take a nap!
Surprise.
What are you doing?
Ill help.   Now its just a stupid baby.
She could be your soul mate.
Did you spit in his face?
Little Ms. Thing wants attention.
Ill take them for my kid.
Dont fall in love with me
I dont know. I saw a crowd. I thought there might be a dogfight or something--
About what?
What? Whats wrong with my outfit?
A bunch of prudes. You know
Fine.  pulls dress up
Its casual day. Happy?  bends over to get a file
Ooh
This is like a haunted coffeehouse thing?
Yeah! Man in!
Maybe we shouldnt play due to the circumstances.
to Oscar
Really?
Shes gonna hate being a mom.
A few months
Niagara Falls in October? Pfft
Nah
Ill just have whatevers fanciest
Uh huh.
Right...
Unless theres ribs.
We have.
Wait. Seriously?!
My kid needs shoes! You want to tell him he doesnt get shoes?!
What the hell?!
Youre not saying anything. At least Jim was being direct...
...when he was telling us his dumbass plan.
I am so pissed at this company!
Yeah. Who said that?
Why cant you? My time is just as valuable as yours.
All morning I look forward to my afternoon cigars and Im not stopping for anyone.
More recently
Crotch injuries are the worst. You dont need to tell me.
Is there still something there?
It didnt get torn off?
Whoa
The weekend!
Well I caught my son taking a dump on the upper part of the toilet.
He calls it an upper decker.
So whatd you bring us?
What else?
Oh
Paint a mural of Chicano leaders.
Im a hobo.
I dont think it rained. My hip would be throbbing.
Uh
I dont want to say it out loud.
I really didnt want to put it on the board but I thought maybe it was gonna come out somehow so... what are you gonna do?
Hey
Shh. Its on.
Hey
Hey everybody
Belles
Nice accent. You sound like Forrest Gump.
How about a threesome?
Im the dead body and these are my brain chunks.
And it looks like youre taking a dump.
Why dont we talk more about it instead of doing it?
No
How bout us? Its Meredith. By the way
Talk about vacation days!
Hey
Ow! Geez
Yeah
No it aint. We all saw the Valentine you gave her.
Believe me
Oh
I have a shirt like that in my car.
Hey
She hasnt popped yet.
You know it. I am never getting married.
Like Clooney.
Stop fighting. Just on St Patricks Day
Nope. Nuh -uh. Not today!
Hey! Me and Creed are in. Are you guys in?
All right.  The four of them get out of chairs to run out
Okey-dokey.
Its coming off anyway.
Nice spread. We get it. You eat like royalty.
What do we get if we do em?
Here you go.
Have a cookie
I just like the way it feels.
Just relax. Okay.
This is like the Cadillac of pumps.
Okay
Its not a big deal.
Were both girls. Who cares?
Pathetic.
You and Donna should hit the Poconos. They have heart-shaped Jacuzzis. Room enough for three.
That is something I would never do.
Hey
I ask... everyone in the room
I would like to buy some paper
I give you curse! May the spirits of the serial killers of the past combine forces and haunt the third floor for all eternity! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Hey
Im in.
Sack up
Michael!  bottle gets passed around by Darryl
Wait
Yup
I know tons and tons of people who have herpes. I have it myself. Thats what it is.
Because its on my genitals
Hey guys!  Angela leaves the table
Come on
I didnt want you it!
His ass was on that seat? All right!
Thanks
Meredith Van Helsing. Pleased to meet you.
Hel-lo!
Thats a great set of shoulders you got there. What is that...Genetics? Creatine?   Sorry. Yeah?
Im sorry.   Youre here to sell me some paper.
What do you mean?
Real well. Uh...feels more like a third date to me.
Shut up and let me do this!   You know
So
Oh
Uh
You smell like a Scorpio.   This is...Esteban...another cleaning man. He doesnt speak English either. Esteban
Danny
Please to meet you-
Wait
Suck it Oscar.
Wow
Not yet!
Wow.
Was it the post office guy who rubbed his pen1s all over the mail?
What does the strangler look like? Is he gorgeous? He looks gorgeous in the drawings.
That scowl.
Maybe your senator boyfriend has a blanket in his car... for screwing Americans.
Thank you.
The real problem is the teachers union.
No. You tell me why my kid is 17 and still cant read.
Annoying.
Well
Sweet! Free Ring!
Why?
Maybe it wasnt.
Uh
You know
Dont whats up us! You think youre so cute
Thats how he gets you to take off his panties.
Sure.
Forget you.
Fine
That apple looks delic!
Im so busted! Walk of shame!
Ahh
No no no! You guys stay! No no no! I have Vienna Sausages and I have napkins.   Let me fix you breakfast!
jogs up and makes out with Michael
That is bull!
You hit me with your car!
Hey! What are you saying?!
We decided on the ice cream. Mint chocolate chip
Erotic.
I know these Ethiopians that run a cake shop.
They make these cakes
I know what youre thinking
Okay
looks at ring
Tell us the freaking story!
You pick a crappy boss
Yeah
I just want
Okay
Maybe were sposed to do it with people in our group.
People in the other group.
Hey!
Suck it losers.
on the phone
I gotta go.
Hi.
Whats with the blanket?
How does one get a point?
Looks good.
Whoa!
Bye!  Kevins horn honks twice shortly
Were lookin at at least one suicide and one weird s*x thing.
get a divorce...get a divorce...
Great billboard! Funny
Washington Street
Yeah
Hell no. She wishes.
Get up there and sing or I will cut your larynx and youll never be able to sing again. Woo!
Because I was there.   Your the peoples princess! Diana was nothing!
What I said was
Why is it such a shock that I follow the royal story? Warms my heart
Honestly
Jim.
Its stupid.
What is the status on my wish?
Either he drives or I drive. Now Im drunk and mad.
Thank you Santa.
I know
Alright.  Andy opens back of her van
Whoa! My stuff!
Its my valuables!
This is my treasures
No Im not
Where are we? This aint my street.
Ah
Wonder what a studio condo would cost in this neighborhood?
What are you smiling for? You thinkin what Im thinkin?
Ow! Take it easy.
Good-timers follow me.
What?
What?
Princess Ding-Dong
Wrong. The answer is dyslexia!
Are you sure?
You going tonight
Its no problem. You live right near me.
Andy followed you home after the Christmas party.
He wanted to make sure California didnt put it in you.
The main stones missing.
You guys got to try this pool. No top scum
Shut it
To madness.
Oh
How could it be boring? You were there for five days. Titillate us.
Toby
Wait. Kathy gets to go? Uh
I am...
Hey
Youre the closest one to it.
Hey
Ow.
What the hell
Make them kiss me.
My kid didnt have a face tattoo.
I already spent the money.
Tell me about it.
Hey jabroni. Show some class.
Thank you!
I dont want to!
Ouch. Thats gotta hurt!
Hey
Crap. Sorry
Cronkite was hot. If I could go back in time
Cool! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
You better fix this. I already ditched my uterus and I aint losing any more good parts.
Im not gonna grow a third arm!
Nice job.
Lose weight.
Oh my!
Dwight
What?
Where you boys stayin? How does it work in the rooms? Do you get a privacy partition?
Cool. Free upper.
Dont dog catch me!
Let me out!
Stop baggin my head!
Hey
Which place? The one right near Philly? I could be there in an hour.
Oh...So..- how are you holding up?
Hey remember that week in the 90s when we got bagels?
Hes screwed. Theyre meeting in less than an hour.
Booo! Weird.
Who was messing with my van?
Sure you dont want to put another coat of primer on that Pam?Queen of the primer
Sweet.
Oh OOOH!
Boom!
Thats cheating.
You? Little Miss Priss? You wouldnt fart on a butterfly.
Yahtzee.
Wow.
Were out there sweating our balls off every day
Topless Christmas.
Ugh. What is this stuff
Weird. Where are the sugar cookies? Wheres the karaoke machine?
Belsnickel
Jeez H. in the morning. Will you stop your nagging already? No wonder Jim left you.
Yes.
Hurry up already.
Hey
Yes
Baking a cake
Oh
Shaboom! How do you like me now!?
Take a picture. It will last longer.
Yeah
Thanks Pam! Ill take a pack of Nicorette gum and a pack of Kools.
Youre getting a bargain. I aint got no hair no more.
Shave her head. Shave her head!
Yeah yeah
Just? Just what? Just forgot?
Whos the one who didnt bring lice into the office? Meredith. Sure I gave everybody pink eye once
Hey
Let her stay another hour. Lets go get a beer.
No duh. Lets go. Youre buying.
Forget about it.
Right. I got the bartenders phone number when you were in the john. Im gonna take that freak to bone town before the night is over.
I come...
Hey!
Nothing wrong with being a gentleman. Like my mom used to say
What
Always with the friends Oscar. Cant we just enjoy the new espresso machine?
Frickin A!
Tear up the carpet!
Yeah right. With slammin bods like that
Good night.
Hey
When are you gonna boom me?
Got it.
If I ever get that bad
Walked right into that one.
Yeah
Yeah
Meredith Palmer aint never been called no nark. Floozy? Yes. Alkie? Check. Einstein sarcastically? You bet. But never no nark. Vomit mop? Sure. Floor meat? Thats me. Flesh hoover?
Ah
Tell us!
Whats it say?
Boo.
Hey boss
Kid doesnt have a romantic bone in his body.
Fresh meat! Fresh meat!
OK.
Im not sorry about it.
Did you get diarrhea or were you stoned?
Just ignore her. Sooner or later shell finish.
I am a very private person. I show em when I wanna show em. Who wants a taste?   Boob sauce!
Wow.
Man
Oof. Always hurts to hear that one.
Hey
Id better come out of this smelling like a rose. Ive been on my best behavior for nine years. If it wasnt for the cameras
Uh
Hey! No way!
Yeah!
Are you gonna come to Poor Richards and watch with us tonight?
Question for Darryl. Did we ever get loaded and listen to Zeppelin in my van?
Nah
You have to!
See you guys at Poor Richards
Speech!
Thank you.
Andy?
Darryl!
Whoo-hoo. Lets get this party started!
Shut up. Jakey?
No
Give the good show
Take it off.  . Yeah! Good song choice
Be gentle Jakey. Gentle. One second. Just one second. Look.
Fine. My bad. Go ahead Jakey.
I got a beef with that. Um
You have to go
Hey
I just feel lucky that I got a chance to share my crummy story with anyone out there who thinks theyre the only one to take a dump in a paper shredder. Youre not alone sister. Lets get a beer sometime.
