All right Jim. Your quarterlies look very good. How are things at the library?
So youve come to the master for guidance? Is this what youre saying
All right. Well
Yes
Ive
If you think shes cute now
Any messages?
Oh! Pam
Its called the wastepaper basket! Look at that! Look at that face.
People say I am the best boss. They go
Whassup!
Whassup!
Whass...up!
Strains
OK. All right. See you later.
Back to work.
Corporate really doesnt really interfere with me at all. Jan Levinson Gould.   Jan
Um... Me no get an agenda.
I didnt get any agenda.
Really? I didnt...   Did we get a fax this morning?
Why isnt it in my hand? A company runs on efficiency of communication
Yeah
Yeah
OK...
No
All the alarm bells are kind of going... ringie-dingie-ding!
OK. No problem.
Me no wanna hear that
Question. How long do we have to...   Oh uh
Oh
Uh
Oh
No
Am I going to tell them? No
Hey.
Guilty! Guilty as charged!
Howard
Watch this. This is Moe. Nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck. Mee!   Ah
Relax. Everythings under control. Uh
Come on. Six-Million Dollar Man! Steve Austin! Actually
Im sorry?
If youre unhappy with your compensation
I think Im a role model here. I think I garner peoples respect.   Attention all Dunder Mifflin employees
People I respect
Now I know theres some rumors out there and I just kind of want to set the record straight.
Assistant to the Regional Manager.
Im about to tell everybody. Im just about to tell everybody.
You dont know what it is.
I dont need your permission.
Corporate has deemed it appropriate to enforce an ultimatum upon me. And Jan is thinking about downsizing either the Stamford branch or this branch.
Not gonna happen.
It wont be out of my hands Stanley
No.
Well
I know. Hold on a second. I think Pam wanted to say something. Pam
Well
No
Watch out for this guy. Dwight Schrute in the building. This is Ryan
Introduce yourself. Be polite.
Assistant to the Regional Manager. So
Thats his profit.
OK. Hold on
What is that?
No
Discipline. Kinky!   All right
And yeah
Nice. Thats the way it is around here. It just kind of goes round and round.
Hey! Yes! New guy! He scores.
Pudding. Pudding... Im trying to think of another dessert to do.
So have you felt the vibe yet? We work hard
You are gonna be my accomplice. Just go along with it
Just follow my lead. Dont pimp me
Oh
Why? Well
Post-it Notes.
50 cents
Yeah. I am.
But the best thing about it is that were not going to have to give you any severance pay. Because that is gross misconduct and... Just clean out your desk. Im sorry.
You been Xd punk!   Surprise! Its a joke. We were joking around. See? OK. He was in on it. He was my accomplice. And it was kind of a morale booster thing. And we were showing the new guy around
I dont know about that.
What is the most important thing for a company? Is it the cash flow? Is it the inventory? Nuh-uh. Its the people. The people. My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17% or when I cut expenses without losing a single employee. No
Hey
Gotcha. Good. Id go with the rows. Thats a good idea.
Today is diversity day and someones going to come in and talk to us about diversity. Its something that Ive been pushing
Hey
Did you have a good weekend going there?
Oh yeah
Right. See? I dont even know
Oh hey
Its diversity day
Come on people
You know what? This is a color-free-zone here. Stanley
Exactly
With tolerance.
Ignorance.
Lets celebrate.
Celebrate good times. Come on! Lets celebrate diversity. Right?
You know what? Heres what were going to do. Why dont we go around and everybody... everybody say a race that you are attracted to sexually. I will go last. Go.
Yes.
OK.
Hey
OK. Why dont we just defer to Mr...
Ah. Oh
How come Chris Rock can do a routine and everybody finds it hilarious and ground-breaking and then I go and do the exact same routine
I will play the Chris Rock guy. I would like to see someone else pull this off.
OK
OK.
Kevin is a great guy. Hes a great accountant. He is not much of an entertainer.
OK. Im sorry. Im sorry. Hes ruin... Hes butchering it. Could you just let me...   Every time... Every time black people want to have a good time
They always want credit for something they supPOSED to do!
What you want a cookie?
I dont think I can sign this.
Well
Sure.
Heres the thing. This office
OK
OK.
Well
I wont.
Yeah
I regret my actions. I regret offending my coworkers. I pledge to bring my best spirit of honesty
I pledge to always keep an open mind and an open heart. I do believe... in that part of the pledge I that just read. But a pledge? Come on. I mean who are we
All right? Everybody pretty? Come on. Here we go. Its time. Lets do some good.
Get out.
No
Hi. Im Michael Scott. Im in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton
OK. Questions? Comments? Anybody? Jim?
Yes. I only had an hour to put it together but Im going to add on to it later on.
Uh
Yeah
Two fifteenths.
Well
Oh
Wow.
Wow. That is... That is a great story. Thats the American Dream right there
Um
Well
Like... I dont... I dont know.
No. Now
...empathy
I have something here. I want you to take a card. Put it on your fore... Dont look at the card. I want you to take the card and put it on your forehead and... Take a card
Why? Because Martin Luther King is a hero of mine. Theres this great Chris Rock bit about how streets named after Martin Luther King tend to be more violent. Im not going to do it but its...
Oh this is a good one.
Push it.
Good. Bom bom bom-bom bom. Come on Olympics of Suffering right here. Slavery versus the Holocaust. Come on.
No
Pam
Youll notice I didnt have anybody be an Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. No pun intended. But I just though. Too soon for Arabs. Maybe next year. Um... You know
OK. All right. No. Its good. You just need to push it. You need to go a little bit further. All right. OK.
Voice raised
Oh! Welcome to my convenience store. Would you like some googi googi? I have some very delicious googi
All right! All right! Yes! That was great
I just hated it when that guy was in here. Mr. Brown
Okay
What?
That doesnt really make sense. Because you dont call them collared people
Pam. Pamela. Pam-elama-ding-dong. Making copies.
Lets go. Messages. Stat. Lots to do
Lay them on me. What?
Thats not what you said earlier.
The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers
I am going to go with the best
I think it was you who didnt look closely enough at the Gold Plan.
Well
You gotta crack these things open.
Well
Well
There
When have you ever done that?
Jimbo! Ha haaaaa. Ah.
Theres a decision that needs to be made
Yeah!
Really?
Ah
You can use the conference room as a temporary workspace.
Nope
Temporary workspace. You can use it.
If Dwight fails
Pam
Oh
Pam! Whoa
I have to make a call after I finish... my work. You know what? Uh
Thank you
Ah
Ah
Is it a good plan?
Cuts? What? Wow
No
OK? All right. Do we feel good? All right. Good. Plus
Do I know what the surprise is? Hell no! It doesnt matter. The point is
You know what? Come with me. We are going on a little mission. Operation Surprise.
Um
So
Yeah
Calling you to ask you a little favoroonie my friend. Um
Its says here that its a 300ft drop.
So its not a free fall?
Uh
OK
Hey
Why dont you just eat it
There you go.
Uh
Oh
Well
Uh
Oh come on! Thats horrible! Aaah... Thanks
Oh... Yes. Exactly. Thank you Angela
All right
When I am backed into a corner
God
Robin Williams. Oh
Oh! God. Dwight
Theres no downsizing.
Assistant to the regional manager Dwight.
Look
But theres no downsizing
Mmm
It looks like theres gonna be downsizing. And its part of my job
Get set for Operation Morale Improvement starring Michael Scott. Now
Who is it? Whos the birthday?
Next person on the...
...calendar.
Yes! All right
Um... uh
Yeah
Brrrp! Uh
These are my party-planning beeyatches. Pulled off an amazing 80s party last year. Off the hook!
So I was thinking
Shes not the only one thats going to be eating it
Mint chocolate chip! Thatd be good
Can you get her? Shes right there.   That is Meredith
Meredith
Hey
Oh
What?
Oh
No
Oh
Meredith
Yeah. What do you know about Meredith?
Theres not going to be downsizing Dwight
I know all that. I know all that. I just
Which one is that again?
Oh God! Dwight
You know what
Almost there. Just a sec. Just a second. It is perfect
Its surprise Meredith. One
Find a key.
And many more!
You were surprised
You looked freaked
Come on. A little bit.
Oh
You know what? If I were allergic to dairy
Jim
Well
Is Oscar around?
I just thought it was kind of a flat
I know...
Right. Got it. Yes. So it does. Um...
No
How many miles did he do last year?
Son of a bitch. That is impressive.
Read it out loud. And say who wrote everything so we know whose is the best.
I dont know about that.
Huh! Thanks
Because of the downsizing. Rumors. And because youre gettin old.
You didnt get the joke. So
Divorce. Um... OK
Everybody? If... could do it? Meredith is so old...
Shes so old
That wasnt even mine. I got that off the Internet. Website. Um
This isnt my fault. Ladies
OK
Per mile
When I retire
A check for the kids
I want it to be like... Hey
Come here.   Dont cash that till Friday
Hey
All right
Today at lunchtime were going to be playing the warehouse staff at a friendly little game of basketball. My idea. Last time I was down there
Pam
No. And thats not me being mean
When I let him come to my pick-up game...
I vouched for you.
I vouched for you in front of Todd Packer
Good. Excellent
Yes it is. Assistant to the regional manager.
No
All right
And here we have Mister Rogers Neighborhood. Come on over here. Hey
And this is the foreman. Mista Ra-jahs.
No
And that is Lonny. And this is Roy. Roy dates Pam. You know
You still getting it regular man? Huh? I mean
So
Oh
Oh
All right
Are we ready for the game?
I... yeah
Nerd. That is why youre not on the team.
Uh
OK
Um
Uh...
Uh
Well
Um... Yeah. Who else? We have Jim. We have Ryan
Yes.
Yes
I will use your talents come baseball season
No.
No
Close. All right
Sorry Phyllis.
No
No
No.
Jim
Threat neutralized.
Off the backboard!
Oh
Yeah
Oh
Oh
Oh-oh. Oh-oh. A spy from the warehouse. Trying to figure out our plays
Oh ho
Whoa-ho. I like the way you think. You know what
What?
OK. Cool
Classic beginners mistake
Hey
All right
OK.
OK
Actually
Aw
On. Just put it on.
Yes. Uh
Stanley! What? You gotta be kidding me! !?!  Roy steals the ball
Yeah
Whos got Roy?
Aw
OK
OK
When I am playing hoops all of the stress and responsibility of my job here just melts away. Its gone
What is wrong with me today?!
Who am I? Am I Michael Scott? I dont know... I might just be a basketball machine. Whats Dunder Mifflin? Ive never heard of it. Filing? Paperwork? Who cares? Possible downsizing? Um... well
Jim! Jim! Jim
That is cool. Is that like the Robot?
Nice! Come here!
Come on! Hey
You know what? Dwight
Football is like rock and roll
Du-du-du-du-dupee-do
All right
Whats going on? Whats going on? Youre playing like a bunch of girls.
All right
Shoot
Ouch! Oh
Yes!
Watch the long passes
Dwight!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! In
Yeah
Jim! Jim! Right here!   Ow! God! Hold it!
Foul! Foul!
Oh
Whats your problem man? Gah
No
Yes
Game over. Game over. That is it! Im sorry
Thanks Dwight.
Well
It was us? Really? I didnt
Um... well
Hey
You guys believed me? Come on. Dogs
Hey
Come on. Lets not be gloomy here man. Were all in this together. Were a team. You know what? Screw corporate
The great thing about sports is that it is all about character. And you can learn lessons about life even if you dont win. But we did because we were ahead.
Affirmative.
You just said
Hey
Okay
Uh
Whoa. Howdy-ho. Wow
Um
I didnt mean me!
Well
Its illegal. Cant do that. Next best thing.
Tah
Pam!
Burger with cheese!
And fries!
And shake! What? Go ahead.
No
Pam. Pam. Come on
exhales loudly
All right girls break it up
Dont say cocks. Oh
Ah
Oh
Nobody cares what you think.
So uh
Well
I do. I read Small Business man. I also uh
This is my conference room. So please
So if you need anything else
Wait a second. I should have spotted another addict. Uh
Its like a slang for Starbucks. Theyre all over the place. Oh
Nah
No
Oh. Woo
There ya go. Nice steaming cup ojoe.
I have an idea. Why dont I introduce you around
Oh
Yeah
You should sell a lot here because this branch made over a million dollars last year. Not that were all millionaires. Im probably closest. So heres Oscar. Oscar
Oooh-ooh. Oscar the grouch. Right? I thought of that.
I know. I know. I made the connection. Can you believe hed never heard that before he worked here?
I know
Here is Toby from Human Resources. Katy
Toby
Tobys divorced. He uh
You and your wife
Oh that so - that was really messy. He slept one night in your car too?
Okay. Alright. Cool. See ya in a bit.   Oh
I live by one rule. No office romances. No way. Very messy. Inappropriate. No. But
Giggle-giggle
Ah
Busted.
Oh hey
Yes. This is a Starbucks digital barista. This is the mack daddy of espresso makers.
Oh
Coffee is the great incentivizer in the office. Its a drug. It is quite literally a drug that speeds people up. Its not the only drug that speeds people up. You hear stories about Dunder Mifflin in the eighties before everybody knew how bad cocaine was. Guh. Man
Oh the rotating um
Oh
Where you going? Nearby? Because I can give you a ride.
Seriously. No
God! No
I can go earlier. Cause Im the boss. You know
What?
Okay. Sounds good. Sounds good. Five oclock sharp. I will give you and your purses a ride home.
Excellent.
Great. Cool. Cool.   Yeah
I should have never let the Temp touch this thing. I had all these great icons and now I have four folders. So..
No its not. Because I could just click on the icon and then Im onto---
No
But I think you should just know that I am going to be giving her a ride home later.
She asked me for a ride and so I am going to give her a ride home.
Well
No. I cannot promise you that.
Listen
Dwight
Espresso?
Youre welcome. Thank you. Hmmm-hmm-hmm.
Ummm-hmmm...
Very easy to clean.
Okay. Like hes going to win anyway
Did we get any mail?
Yes you did. Yes
Yeah
Ryan.
Would you like to help me with a special project?
Alright.
Okay
Um
No.
Uh
Blues not a flavor.
Oh
What
No
Not its not
Thats over several months
I think in order to be a ladies man
Sure you dont want me to help you with that? Cause I can grab that no problem.
See you later. Goodnight. Goodnight
Where you going?
With us?
Okay. Great. Off the hook. Excellent. Okay
Alright
Dont drink and drive.
Take it easy.
You too
Do I have a special someone? Uh well
Tonight is the Dundies
Hey hey hey! Its Fat Halpert.
Fat Halpert.   Jim Halpert.
So why dont I take you on a tour of past Dundie winners. We got Fat Jim Halpert here. Jim
Oh
Gyaaah. T.M.I. T.M.I my friends.
T.M.I.? Too much information. Ah
And here we have Stanley the Manly. Now Stanley is a Dundie all-star
Oh
W-why did you...
Yes we should. I... you know what? I wanted one of those skillets of cheese
To Oscar Martinez its the Show Me the Money award! Yeah!
He has the award-ah! ...its a type of song that we are going to play for the ladies. Hit it
A little bit of Paaam
...a little bit of Phyllis everywhere...
...a little bit of Roooy eating chicken crispers... ...a little bit of Jim with some ribs
Will her highness
Well
Wuh... Come on
Um...
Could you...?
Yeah
Um
...come on
Youre dropping an A-Bomb on me here.
Well
No reason?! It was the 05 05 05 party...
...it happens once every billion years.
Okay
Well
This is a little character I like to do
The Dundie award for Longest Engagement goes to Pam Beesley.
Pam
Whoooo! When is that girl gonna get married? Thats what I have to say. Ah
Thank you Roy. Are there any words youd like to say
Yeah
Im not changing that
Thats why its funny. Every year that Roy and Pam dont get married
Oh
Yes.
Okay
Just dont
Dont talk-
Just STAP IT YAP IT!!!!
Okay
Yeah
The Dundies
You down with The Dundies? You down with the Dundie-
Alright
Nope
I did. And why didnt ya Stanley?
Well
to Dwight
No
And I was about to take her bra off...
...when she made me fill out six hours of paperwork-
No!   God.
Alright
Um
And now... to someone who quietly goes about their job
...the Busiest Beaver award goes to Phyllis Lapin.
Yeah
What? I told them busiest...idiots.
Well
Herro everybodeeee. Im gonna cwall Jan Revinson-Gould.
Oh
Right? You know wat Im talking bout.
This next award goes to somebody
Somebody
Yeah.   Hidy ho
And the Tight Ass award goes to Angela. Not only because she is everybodys favorite stickler
The Spicy Curry award goes to our very own Kelly Kapoor! Get on up here. Here you go.
Um
I dont know
I know. Its ju- they didnt have any more businessmen. So...
Just sit down Kelly.
Its so freakin hot in there. Now I know what Bob Hope was going through when he performed in Saudi Arabia. Man! I got Dwight sucking the funny out of the room
You have won a tiny Dundie.
Hey
Oh
Uh
Hey
Lets cut it.
I had a few more Dundies to
There you go.
Alright
You know you did.
And this next award is going out to our own little Pam Beesley...
...I think we all know what award Pam is going to be getting this year.
It is the Whitest Sneakers award! Because she always has the whitest tennis shoes on!
Get on down here! Pam Beesley ladies and gentlemen!   Oh
Pam Beesley ladies and gentleman.   Oh! Thank you.
Was this years Dundies a success? Well
Great work tonight.
Excellent.
Yes
Hey
Any emails today?
No? Um... Check your spam folder.
What?

Kay.
I am king of forwards. Its how I like to do business
Thats funny! Thats funny. Not offensive. Uh... because its nature. Educational.
Um
Yeah... maybe. Maybe. Well
Kay! Oh
Oh
Uh oh.
Uh oh! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-o!
Todd Packer and I are total BFF. Best Friends Forever. He and I came up together as salesmen. One time
Oh-whoa-oh! Oh! Okay. Grade A gossip for you
Really? Here we go! Buckle up. Its going to be a bumpy one!
Oh
Well
Oh! Wow! I didnt say it! I didnt say it!
Oh
Oh. Bad boy.   Um... Ryan?
Ah! Man. That Todd Packer can do anything.
Hey
Forward it like its hot. Forward it like its hot. Old School.
Yes
Um... literally two seconds?
Toby is in HR which technically means he works for Corporate. So hes really not a part of our family. Also hes divorced so hes really not a part of his family.
No
It is a big deal. Its a big deal! What are we supposed to do? Scrutinize every little thing we say and do all day? I mean
What?
NO!
What? He! No! Okay
There is no such thing as an appropriate joke. Thats why its a joke.
Everyone! Hello! Everyone. Hi! Sorry to interrupt. I know youre all busy and the last thing you want is for a major interruption. But Toby has an announcement that he insists on making right now in the middle of the day.   So
I wish you luck
A guy goes to a five dollar... lady of the night and he gets crabs. So
Time to bring out the big guns. Im heading down to the warehouse where jokes are born. Find a killer joke thatll just blow everybody away at the seminar later. And remind them what is great about this place. So... ah! Here they are.   Guys! Wondering if I could
Um
Alright
Oooh
What?
I dont feel bad.
No
Okay.
Well
Thank you.
Hi
No.
I know
Did he tell you everything? Obviously
Exactly! Mmwwah  ! Can we afford to lose email forwards? Do we want that?
Give me a break. Umm... Stanley
I think the old honor system was just fine. For example
No! No! Catherine. Remember her? Remember how hot she was?
She would have definitely slept with me.
Yes
What if Pam was a lesbian? What if she brought her partner in to work?   Would that be crossing the line?
What if they made out? In front of everybody?
At home? And I told everybody everything about it.
Okay. Well
I wish Todd Packer was here because he would love this. I wonder if anybody else would like to do this. Hey! Um... we have to watch
Thats what she said. Pam?
Thats what she sai   Nope
Whoa
Okay
So you are the lawyer
Well
When I said before that I was king of forwards
The problem is that I am the boss and apparently I cant say anything.
Wheres the line? Wheres the line
No
No
Attention
Mmmhmm. Yes.
THATS WHAT SHE SAID!
Come on.
Mwah!
You would have done the same. You just didnt think of it first.
Its... Thats...
Okay.   Hello.   Jan. Mr. OMalley. This is my lawyer
I believe you may recognize his face from the billboards. He specializes in Free Speech issues.
This guy does it all.
What?
So Im not in trouble?
I am so used to being the bad boy. I am so used to fighting Corporate that I forget that I am Corporate. Upper management. They hooked me up with an attorney. To protect me. You cant be too careful about what you say. Mo money
Okay. Well
I know. Well talk about it later. Thanks for coming in.
No. No
Not you. Kevin. Just unwarranted. Hostile work environment
No. You said it. He pointed. A point is not a say. Look. Kevin
I dont know about that.
Well
Yes
Mmmhmmm.
They didnt get to me. I got to them. I am still the same old Michael Scott. New and improved. You know what? I love Phyllis. You know what else? I think she is gorgeous. I think she is incredibly
Oooh!
Im not worried.
You know what? The only thing Im worried about... is getting a boner. Good work today
Times have changed a little. And even though were still a family here at Dunder-Mifflin
Im an early bird
Yummy
Um. The sausage
Ok.  Removes biscuit
Today
Yes it is. Yes it is. It is very important to own property. Back in olden days
Maybe.
Yes. Yes. Final walkthrough.
Sign the papers at the condo.
Uh
I dont need a representative.
No
No. Dwight. Im fine.
Well
Except that
Ok. Fine. Yes
As my associate.
No it is not.
Oh
We are. Dwight and I are going to the big thing. So why dont you have everybody work on their expense reports and Id like them in by the end of the day.
Very good.
We will. Um
Good. The Small Business Man?
Maxim? American Way? Cracked?
How about
NO
Ok. See you soon.
I dont know
What? No
I... Just... Would you put it up?   Ok. Fine. Just leave it down. Whiner.
I do not understand what you spend your money on.
Home
Right there. My sanctuary. My party pad. Someday I can just see my grandkids learning how to walk out here. Hang a swing from this tree. Push them back... wait...   no
Oh
Nice to meet you too.
Yeah
Oh. Good. Thats good. Its good to be accommodating of that.
This
Im putting my bed right over here.
Well
Well then I wont get a warrantee.
So thats the problem
Uh... Ten year.
What? Wha? You said ten.
Ok
Alright.
Ok. Alright. Oh boy.
Um. Oh.   Oh
Um. Im going to take a little breather for a second. Excuse me.
Oh
Uh.  breathes deeply
The ceilings are lower than they were last week. That
...know if you showed me this same unit or not.
Where are all the hot people? I was told that there would be all these attractive singles.
As far as I can tell
Theres a basic principle in real estate
No
I am not going to rent the third bedroom. I want a price reduction or I am a-walkin.
Ehhhh....
I made the right decision. Im glad I signed. Im a homeowner. Right? Good to be a homeowner. Diversifying. This is good. This is fun. Were having fun.
Theres something else Dwight wanted to talk to you about. I have a surprise for you
No
Why did I do it? Because I believe in rewarding people for their efforts. Ah. I rewarded Dwight with the room
Im thinking
What the hell is a terrarium?
Oh
We take separate cars.
Why would we do that?
No.
EHHHHNT. Game over. Offer revoked. Dwight. Im sorry
Yeah
Nobody likes beets.
Nobody likes beets
Stop it!
Yeah. Jim. Slim Jim. Whats going... Whats going on?
Oh. Thanks. Thanks. Its very cool. Its a three bedroom
You know.
Really?
Whats this?
I dont really know what to say. Um
Get up here
Yep
Oh.   What the hell is that?
Howard
Shall we? Let us proceed. First up
Five years from now
Oh! Good. Ambitious. Excellent. Want to be a manager?
That is ridiculous.
Ryans about to attend the Michael Scott School of Business. Im like Mr. Miyagi and Yoda rolled into one.
Much advice you seek.   Do you know who that is?
Mmm... No. That was Yoda.
There are ten rules of business that you need to learn. Number one : You need to play to win. But... you also have to win to play.
And I will give you the rest of the ten at lunch.
Hey!
Yes
Another rule of business is being able to adapt to different situations.
Adapt. React. Re-adapt. Act. All right? Thats rule number two.
So what was rule two?
Okay
Okay
Well
Um
Rule number four. In business
Wow
Hello
...for Phone. What?
Um
Really?
So you think you know a lot about business?
Uh huh.
Yeah. Quiz me.
Come on
Quiz me up.
Uh...
When I was Ryans age
Shut
Okay. Yes! It was a trick question.
Okay
You know what
For instance
Stop. Dwight. You know what? Youre acting like a dork. Would you cool it? Please. Okay. Hey! Hes not your five year old brother
I did not go to business school. You know who else didnt go to business school? LeBron James
Look at this stuff. Market fragments. What is that supposed to be?
You are so smart. You are so eff-in smart. You should be teaching me.
I became a salesman... because of people
Nah
Oh
Oh
Aaaall right. Whos next
Well
Whos
Wish I had my cell phone
Whats that?
Yeah.
Dwight. Hey!
Dwight
I didnt say it to him. I said it about him.
How long does it take to find a cell phone? I dont know either.
Seriously
I gave it to you in the car.
I saw you program it in.
Okay. Alright.
Uh
Dwight!? Great goin. God
Wow. Okay. Well
Hey
Toaster Oven 101?
Hey! I know whatll impress everybody
...since the world was turning.
Okay. Rule five - safety first
Oh... look! Ryan is book smart. And I am street smart. And book smart.
Ill give you the rest of the ten tomorrow.
Happy Halloween
Ohh... OK.
I know why shes calling. Its the end of the month
Hey
Well
I dont know... yet. I will have to call her back.
Okay... Sherri?
If you were getting fired
Thanks.
Ill call her back.  talks softy
Okay! Im sorry.
No?
Bye.
I mean you hear about layoffs in the news
Yes.
Yes.
Yeeesh.
Um
Because its very scary stuff.
Youre worried about the party? Theres a mans life at stake here.
No. Or a woman. A human life. If you had to guess
And... sometimes you just let it go to voicemail.
I know. I sent away for it in July from a catalog.  bobs his head around
Oh
Hey.
You guys excited about the party?
Its gonna be fun.
Oh
All good. Happy Halloween. What happened to all those spooky decorations that we had? The cobwebs and such?
Well
Good. Oh
Well
Mmm-hm-hmm. Interesting take on Dorothy. I love it. Hey
Bend It Like Beckham.
Yeah. That would be perfect.
Well
Who do you think it should be?
No
Eh.
Its not a popularity contest. Although it does make sense to fire the least popular because it has the least effect on morale.
turns to the fake head
Youre right
Yeah
Yeah... I could.
Im not saying thats what he said.
What?
That is not a very nice thing to say about him.
Are you kidding?
I agree. Hed land on his feet.
So. How did it go with Stanley? How... howd he take it?
Ahh
I dont wanna fire Stanley. I never said that. Im certainly not going to do it myself. Get those big
Oh
Fantastic!
What?! That wouldve solved all my problems.
Oh
If you left
Big deal. Oh
You can call. Can you call em?
Wohahah! Why are you torturing me?! God.
Can I speak to you a minute?
Help. Me.
I want you to role play firing me. I want you to fire me
Yes.
I want you to be me
No
Yes
Aaaahh! Im gonna kill myself!
Im going to kill myself
Corporate is really breathing down my neck. And theyre saying this has to be done by the end of the month.
I... this is Creed.
Im improvising
And Im very angry
Im gonna kill you. Im going to kill you for firing me.
Get off
Uh
Could I talk to you for a second?
You are great. Very ambitious. And I feel like you want more than this little office has to offer. And I understand that youd wanna just spread your wings
I... were gonna have to... You... you want something better.
No
Why... why are you making this so hard?
I think youre right.
No
Hmm?
What old days? What are you talking about?
Its right here on the desk
I cant
I cant change anything. This is the way...
I dont... okay
Dont...
Yeah
I have to fire someone today
Okay
Dont...
Devon
Well
Well
Huh. No! I cant
No.
No. It was all the stuff that I said. It was the business downturn
I just hope that you and I can remain friends.
Devon
Look
I love Halloween. You know
He... Hey
You look great! And youre a princess?
A fairy princess. Youre very... .
Youre a lion.   Wow
I dont want to work
Uhh
Hello
Yes
Last year they were out of order
Chillax
Is it a priority? Oh I dont know
Catch-22. Yes. Why dont you give me your contact information to start with
in his office on his cell phone
This is Tito.
Calling from...
Pick up.
This is Mike Tyson.
And this is more a ying-yang thing. The Michael all cursive
Yeah
Because I would kick his ass.
So? Ive beaten up black belts.
They told me. After. You see
And after that
You were a Jet?
Yes
Im friends with everybody in this office. Were all best friends - I love everybody here. But sometimes your best friends start coming into work late
Just hit me. Youll see.
Oh
Oh yeah
Look
... he cried at the end of it. He did.
Oh
Ok
Fuuuaaaahhhhh... oohhhhh!
Yeah.   Thank you.
Go away.
I havent signed them
Come in. Um
Oh
Oh
Ok
Ok.
Watch out Kelly
No
Really? Well
Look
Really?
You know what? Youre just lucky that we are at work right now.
No
Look...
Hey
Ive got an idea : why dont you leave right now. Why dont you walk away from the room
I recognize that. That is Japanese for California Roll.
I think it is. A guy told me about that.
Oh.
Alotta rules. Alotta rules. On the street we didnt have any rules. Maybe one - no kicks to the groin
Hey!
What the hell was that?
No.
Alright
Play dirty
Im comin atcha man. Ok
I got his pants.
Dwight
Go on
You cant see. You cant see. Good boy. Good boy. Great boy. Two points
Open your mouth.
You talkin to me? You talkin to me? Raging Bull. Pacino. Oh
My emergency contact is Todd Packer. Todd F. Packer. Do you know what the F. stands for?
Yeah... uh
He is such a sore loser. You heard
Yeah.
Yeah
If youre doing anything crazy
Alright
Dwight?
This close. Dwight
Well
Well
I know
I have been testing you the entire day. Did you know that?
And I am happy to say that you have passed. So effective immediately I am promoting you from Assistant to the Regional Manager to Assistant Regional Manager.
I know
No
No
Absolutely but not really.
Yes you do.
And
I told Dwight that there is honor in losing. Which
Wow
I changed it. To Chilis.
Radisson just gives out this vibe
Heres the thing. Chilis is the new golf course. Its where business happens. Small Businessman Magazine.
It will. I sent it in. Letter to the editor.
Uh huh
Ok
Kiss ass. Ok
Well...
No
Uh
Its just a couple blocks away
At all!
You ever been to Scranton
Dar de dar.
Jan Levinson-Gould. Jan is cold. If she was sitting across from you on a train and she wasnt moving
We should come up with a signal of some sort.
Well
Well
Yeees.
Hello? Christian?
Thought that was you. Hi. Michael Scott. This is Jan Levinson-Gould.
No Gould?
Uh
Is Gould dead? What uh-
Wow
When did this happen?
Ok.
Alright

Awesome blossom.
I think we should share an Awesome Blossom
Ok
I heard a-
Very very funny joke the other day. Wanna hear it?
Ok.
Just one joke. Ok. Well
Pam
Yes.
No.
Nope. Told it. Not as good as you think. Pick another one.
Oh ho ho
First guy says Well
Yum! Yum yum yum!   Thats delicious! I love it!
Bop! Be blah bop
Thats why I wanted a signal
Did somebody say baby back ribs? Hmmm? Hmmmmm?
I want my baby back
Chilis baby back ribs...
Woo
Oh
Shes not playing the game.
Check please.
No
You know?
Its true.
Uh huh
Its bad.
It
Well
See ya.
We did it!
Nailed it. Nailed it! Come here.
What!?
Goin. Ok. Where we goin? Doesnt matter. Goin to the go go.   Oh-ok.
Morning
No
Hello
Who.
Uh
This is none of your affair because she is your boss-
And she is a woman. She is a strong
I know we have to register as a consensual sexual relationship with HR. My question : do I do it as the man? Does she do it as my superior? I dont know. That leads to other issues that we may have in our relationship. Its
Pam
Pam
And a woman-
And I want you to listen to a voicemail from my boss.   Michael
My boss is coming in today
I guess I missed you. I guess I missed you. So
But then she goes on to say that will be our only topic of discussion. That doesnt mean anything
Ok. Yeah
Ohhh
Ah
Oh
Really?
God
No kidding.
Good work
Yeah?
Oh  Angela
Interesting. Jan is calling me. Maybe it wasnt so mutual after all.   Yeah?
Jan! To what do I owe this pleasure?
Well
Well
Oh.
Been thinking about you.
Um
Yep.
No.
They are not. Yes
Pam
Thats unfortunate. How bout the suggestion box? Theres tons of ideas in there.
The suggestion box that I put out
Why dont you find it and tell people to get theirs... never mind
What did I say?
Well
Hi
Good to see you.
Ok.   Ok
Yep
Alright  .
Its nice to see you.
Really?
Oh
Alright.
Yep.
Absolutely.
Im a little confused. Cause first its all like kissy-kissy. And then its like all regret. Because Oh
No
This is a business question. Its nothing personal
Are you wearing a new perfume today?
Well
I dont understand-   Hold on. Sorry.   Yes
Im kind of in the middle of something. I wish you wouldnt interrupt.
I did not
No
Why are we here? Because I value your opinions. Now
Well
And
Oh
Tom. Then it is a joke because there is nobody in here named Tom.
Oh
Arrr
Ok
Well
Was I
Ok.
Shut up
Yeah
Ill work on that-
Lets keep going. Keep it going. Yep. What do we have here? We have somebodys piece of gum. Somebody put a piece of gum in there. This is not a
Yeah
Dont sl-
I dont understand why youre so upset.
Let me ask you-
Ok
Let me ask you something.
Where did you get your outfit?
I just dont understand why you have to pretend like nothing happened.
Look-
Oh my God...
What do you want Dwight?
Ok
You wanna talk now
Why on earth would we give you a raise?
You do? How do you get in?
That is a serious offense. Very serious. As is toying with a mans heart.
Ok
That was deer!? Gross
Oh
What do you say
Ok. You just
Thats from Superman?
Wait.
Wait
Ok
Well
I just want to know
Am I too short?
Really?
I appreciate that
No
So my looks have nothing to do with it?
Jan is not in a place where she feels she can have a relationship right now. And it doesnt matter how great a guy I am. And that is all I needed  Im good. I can go home now.
Hey
Never missed a day
It is Friday morning and it is another beautiful day in Scranton
Theres no time to think about if this is real. Just
The IT tech guy and me did not get off to a great start.
Yeah
Oh...
Oh
Yes.
AH! Guh-oood.
Please dont do that.
I cant tell you.
I dont have to tell you anything.
Dwight
Im not going get a brain-
Stop it.
Uh
There are certain things a boss does not share with his employees. His salary
So how do you search?
Try profits. No! Try Michael Scott. Michael boss and funny.   Oh my God
Oh
Beep! Bop!
Bommmm. Bop! Onk onk.   Oil can. Oil can.
Oh
You know what the problem is?
The problem is that when people hear the term big brother
Meredith has an E-vite from Jim. Barbeque at Jims tonight. Tonight? Wonder where my e-vitation is. Click on guest list. Angela
Theres always a distance between a boss and the employees. It is just natures rule. Its intimidation mostly
Of course. Hangin with my crew
Hot
Yeah! They were the most fun. We always invited them.
Hey there.
Almost quittin time.
One more hour. Take care of anything you forgot to do. Hey
You have plans.
I do
I do
Tonight
Yeah.
Its the best. Its the best. I would not miss it for the world. But if something else came up
It is. Ok.
What?
Hey
Alright. Oscar
Kevin
Ok
Hey
Yeah
Liar!
You are a liar.
Dwight
Thats
To watch tonight
Were watching it.
I didnt know you played soccer
You
In Horshack voice from Welcome Back
Boom! Detective Michael Scarn. Im with the FBI.
Think about this  what is the most exciting thing that can happen
Boom! Freeze! Michael Scoon
Boom! Boom!
Boom! Boom!
Why
Well
Boring.
I could of-
Ok.
Yehhhehh.
Im in.
No
What are you...
Nothing.
Good
So Bernies
Right
Ok
Wow! Who opened the morgue for this thing? Im just driving by
Ok
Were making love!
Talk! Just talk!
Shut up!
Funny story : the way that I got into improv was
Here we are.
Oh god.
No
Youll break it.
You shove it. Shove it back! Here we go. Dont break the branches
All right.
Well
On three. Ready? Big
Merry Christmas!
Did it work?
A
Well
Merry Christmas! Ho
Double it. Double everything. Double ice cream. Double napkins. Double it. On me.
It was a tough year. I had to fire somebody this year. This party has to really rock. Check it out. Christmas bonus. 3
I want people to cut loose. I want people making out in closets. I want people hanging from the ceilings
Yeah
No! No way! It... no.
You wanna be Santa?
Have you ever seen Santa?
Okay.
Well
That makes sense because he has elfish features.
You get something good this year?
Yeah? Who did you have?
I think I got something pretty nice for my guy.
I spent a lot of dough. Lot of dough. Wow.
Yeah. I wanted this party to be really special so I sorta went above and beyond.
It was Ryan. Yeah. I have Ryan.
All right
Not great.
No
Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. Its like this tangible thing that you can point to and say
No
Whoa. Wow. Jeez. Somebody really got carried away with the spirit of Christmas. That was me
You dont know that.
I did?
What? Oh
Oh hey
An oven mitt? Okay.
So Phyllis is basically saying
I got it! We are going to turn Secret Santa into Yankee Swap.
One person chooses a gift. The next person can either choose a gift or steal that persons gift. If your gift gets stolen
Well
Because its better. Because its more special.
Shut it. No
Okay
Yankee Swap! Thats what makes it fun. Pam
I think this is going great.
Everyone wants the iPod. Its a huge hit. It is almost a Christmas miracle.
Oh
I hope nobody takes this baby
Sucker! See
Reverse psychology is an awesome tool. I dont know if you guys know about it
In addition to these paintball pellets
Who wants to take paintball lessons? How is that better than an iPod?
Last gift. Kevin.
What is she so upset about?
Come on! I think that Yankee Swap was a big hit! I think its a success and Im the one who ended up with Dwights stupid paintball pellets.
Well
It wasnt. It wasnt that much. It was $3
Unbelievable. I do the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for these people and they freak out. Well
All right
Cool
Uh-oh. Looks like Santa was a little naughty.
This is Christmas spirit
Zip it
Go
Anybody making out in here?   Not yet
No
Kudos to Ryan
Yeah
Oh
Not bad. And if it couldnt go to Ryan
Youre welcome.
No way. Oh
Oh
Oh
Darryl. There you go.   You earned it.
No
Hey
Lampshade on head! Its happening!
Yeah
Christmas is awesome. First of all
Hey
Cool
Okay!
Hello
Ah! Ha ha ha!
Yeah?
Stanley! Bo banley.
Banana fana fo fanley.
Be my mo manley.
Stanley.
Maybe. The suspense is just so exciting
Maybe
Well
Its cheaper.
This is not just another party. This is a leadership training exercise. Right? Im going to combine elements of fun and motivation and education into a single mind-blowing experience.
It is now time to unveil the destination of this years retreat. We are going on a harbor cruise of Lake Wallenpaupack. Its a booze cruise!
No. This is mandatory. But dont worry
Well
Yeah?
To throw you off the scent.
Well
Well
I am a great motivational speaker. I attended a Tony Robbins event by the airport last year
Leader... ship. The word ship is hidden inside the word leadership
Now
Yes
All right
Titanic?
No
No! Thank you
The... no
A three-hour tour
Pam
Id rather die. Hi
Okay.
In an office
Hey
And I am the regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin
Okay! So...
Right.
But dont worry
Im your party captain too! And you are gonna put on your dancing shoes later on! So we are gonna...
Rock it!
If the boats a-rockin
Yep.
Were all gonna have a good time tonight!
Hm? Okay. Yep.
Having fun?
Good. Well
Well
So
But before that
All right
Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss thats always trying to teach people things. Sometimes you have to just be the boss of dancing.
Ah! See
No
Okay
Okay.
Not what I was looking for
I dont want to take credit for this
Well... could have been either one of us
Yes! I can marry you as regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin!
Then Ill give you away!
Captain Jack is a fart face. Im on medication.
Vomicillin. Okay. All right. Its time to be boss. Its time to motivate. Lets blow some minds here. Okay
Its a predicament
Im in the brig. See? The boats not as corporate-friendly as advertised. What was the deal with the guy jumping overboard? What was... if he had just waited and heard what I had to say
Is somebody there?
Captain Jack has a problem with authority.
He just totally lost it. If you ask me
Well
Roy said the first one didnt count.
Really? Youre kidding me. You and Pam? Wow. I would have never have put you two together. You really hid it well. God! I usually have a radar for stuff like that. You know
Yeah? Yep. Well
Well
BFD. Engaged aint married.
Never
Its a fake wheel
Pam! Its Michael. Help me! I need help right now.
Im hurt
Ungh
No
I am hurt. I hurt my foot.
I want to come to work. But I need you to come and pick me up.
OH GOD!
Oh God!
OK
I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon
Pam
Ok
Theres no toilet paper here. Could Ryan... tell Ryan to bring toilet paper. Could you tell em that?
I tried hopping
No one wants to pick me up!?
Im not sick! Im burned!
Dont... is that Dwight? I do not want Dwight.
I dont want Dwight!
I dont have a girlfriend.
It was all made up. Just someone come
Hellooo? ... Please dont send Dwight!
Morning everyone. Dont freak out. I forbid anybody to freak out. Clearly
Did you explain why?
Burned my foot
Please stop popping my cast. Thank you.
Ha ha ha. So where are you shipping...
Thank you. Pam
Really
No
What?
I dont want any special treatment
No
What? Part of your duties are to what?
You just said part of your duties are to something.
Yes
Where is my cornbread?
Thank you. Did you get all dark meat like I like?
Where are the yams?
Did you go to the one in Stroudsburg?
And they had no yams?
How strange. Because they always have yams.
Pam... PAAAM!?
Come here please.
I want you to rub butter on my foot.
Pam
Uh
No
No! Guh! OW! Awww
I fell off the toilet. Im caught between the toilet and the wall.
Ugh
Get Ryan. He needs to lift me.   and he needs to clean me up a little bit. Bring a wet towel.
No
I just saw him.
Ugh
Can I have everyones attention please? Phyllis
No
Wuh
Ok
Shuuut it
I burned my foot!!! Ok
While we are waiting for our special guest to arrive
Good question. Forrest Gump: mentally challenged
I dont think so
He grew into a man overnight. Rare disability
What you mean uh hmmm... ?
Ok.
Yes
This
You are so brave. You are so brave.
But its hard for you! Right? Because youre in a wheelchair.
Let me ask you something
Oh my God
How did you get in your wheelchair?
Hey
Well
Well they notice it. Dont you? You notice it. Its the first thing you saw when he rolled in here
Ok...
Ignore him. You know what? Were not that different
Yeah...
Ok.
Did you see Born on the Fourth of July? I was under the impression that Billy would be more like that guy.
Hey!
You did it! Look at you
Did you get the yams?
Ok
Yeh.
You know what? I feel better. Ryan brought me some chocolate pudding and his kindness healed my foot.
Yeah
Uh
Oh
Why dont you go with him?
I cant take you
Oh
Well go. Im still recovering. So lets just
Shotgun!
The rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear. The first person to shout shotgun when youre within the sight of the car gets the front seat. Thats how the games played. There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion.
Oh
Well
Chuck E. Cheese? Oh
I know
Dwight
Give it to me.
Dwight...   You just keep your eyes on the road.   Give me the bottle or youre fired.
Give it to me Dwight.
Give me the bottle!!
Gimme the bottle
Just give it!
Stop
Stop spraying me! Gimme the bottle!
Dwight
Something with a K.
What do I write under reason for visit?
Nothing. I wrote bringing someone to the hospital.
No... you know what Jim
Hi Dwight.
Doctor
Well
Look since you have the machine up and running
Ok
Thats my joke
Its ok
Alright
Uh
Fine. Fine.
Ah
Whats up-dog?
Oh
Hey
Mmm
I dont know
No
What does what mean?
Just forget it.
Dwight! Hey is it me or does this place smell like up-dog?
Gotcha!   Oh
Damn it.
Today is spring cleaning day here at Dunder Mifflin. And yes I know its January. I am not an idiot. But
No
Yes.
On a Friday?
I will do all the talking.
What difference does it make whether your here?
Hi
Yechh
Really? Oh
What are your symptoms?
Umm
I need you to go back to bed. I need you to get better. See you Monday. Unless youre still sick. So have a great long weekend.
He sounded sick.
Thats exactly what I was thinking.
Yeah. Drop what youre doing. Make this a priority. Because an office cant function efficiently unless people are at their desks doing their jobs.
Wowweee. Mikey likey. Why dont you wear your hair like that all the time. Its much sexier.     Man
Hey Jim-bag.
Really?
Who else knows?
Wow!
Jim and I are great friends. We hang out a ton
My lips are sealed.   My lips are sealed... Bangles.
Can you hear me
Hey
Ah
Any of em? So
P-A-M. P-A
No its okay
Listen Stanley. How long does it take you to pick out a soda?
Alright
Peach iced tea. Youre going to hate it.
Its Grrrrrrape! Soda.
Not so much.
Nothing.
Fact: I love grape soda. I always have. Fact: Jim and I talk all the time. We tell each other secrets.
Um
Ok.
Good.
Whooo
Oh nonsense
Hey you know what we could do? We could spread out a blanket in the break room. Have a little picnic order some za. Talk about you know who.
I know just he place.
Oh man
Why do I like Hooters? Well I will give you two reasons
Oh
Were not worthy. Were not worthy. Hello Dana
Im his boss actually. And I treat him well. Im taking him out to lunch cause I can afford it and he can have whatever he wants.
Tell me Dana
Mmmm
No
What do you like best about Pam?
Is it her boobs
Really?
Never gets any of my jokes.
Her boobs
Oh
Ohhh happy birthday Jim!
Woo! Yeah!
Thank you very much.
Hilarious. Hey.
Just go to his house and see if hes sick. I could have done this Investigation in like twenty minutes.
Just do it.
Expenses.
No. Its... I wear it like that sometimes. Is that a wig?
Yeah
No he did not. I dont need his permission.
Uhhh its ridiculous. They took my card away because I spent $80 bucks at a magic shop. What they dont understand is that I bought the stuff to impress potential clients. So business related
I put a cigarette through a freakin quarter. And you know what Toby? They almost bought from us.
Look Jim needed a relaxing lunch
Youre not his friend
You know what Kevin? Jim is a friend of mine
I know
I
Ok
Yeah Im good.
Yeah Im fine. Look
No
It wasnt that long ago. It was on the booze cruise.
Yehhh
People are always coming to me. Michael
Spamster!
Hamster.
Welcome back! How was your vacation?
Yeah?
Did you get lucky? Oh! Boink!
I am Pam. Spicoli guy. Oh
Wow! What happened in there?
There is stink in there
Is it a bird?
Oh
Um
Check it out.
Check it out. Dont be a wuss
What is it?
What is it? No
I cannot believe a pipe burst and left that in there.
How do you know that? What is it
Here she comes. All cleaned? Great.
That is worse.
I am a big Fear Factor fan. Im a big fan of anything Joe Rogan does
Hey Jim. I thought that we would be desk buddies while they changed my carpet.
Oh... Its ...
Yeah ...
No
Yeah
Dont ape me.
This is great.
The pressures of my office are insane.
I just... you couldnt understand
Yeah.
Ed Truck.   Ed Truck was the manager before me. Horrible. He hated fun. It was like
You know who used to sit at that desk?
Mm-mm. Todd Packer.
Yeah.
He was
When I was in training
I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.
Oh
Another time
Charley horse!
Charley horse!
Oh
Once
Dwight.
Lets send up Accounting.
Old fashioned raid. Sales on Accounting. Yeah. Follow my lead.
Hey guys.
Ahem. Whats up?
Yeah! Oh ho ho
No
Watch out
Maybe!
Why would somebody ruin a perfectly good carpet? I dont know. It could be done out of hate. It could be done out of love. It could be completely neutral. Maybe somebody hates the cleaning lady. And
You know what? I am beginning to think that what happened to my carpet was an act of terrorism against the office. The only thing that makes any sense.
Stop.
Stop it.   Stop. It.   Dont. Dont.
All right.
Hi
Im just walking around.
Well
Oh
Seventy
Oh
God
So you have 40 boxes going out
Nothing.
No. Just ...
You know what
Yeah
Extreme Home Makeover puts together a house in an hour. If you were on that crew
This was no act of God. A person did this. A person who works in this office. Maybe all of them.
You know what? Today is not a good day for a sales contest. Were... were not... were not doin this today.
You wanna talk about fair? Does anyone need to smell my old carpet? You explain to me how that was fair
I am a victim of a hate crime. Stanley knows what Im talkin about.
Well I hated it! A lot! Okay
Youre all on a time out. Just sit there quietly.  phone rings
Do you remember Ed Truck?
How would I know?
My biggest fear is turning into him.
I wasnt talking literally
Ed? Hi. Thanks for meeting me. Must be kinda neat comin back.
Uh
Oh
I didnt get a good look at... it
Really?
Well
Well... s-sure I can.
Not necessarily. You can love a boss like you do a father.
Well
Last week I would have given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would have reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them. But now
Yes.
Who is this? How did you get this number?
Oh my God. Packer. Packster. Whacky Pack. How you doin?
Uh... no. Did anybody see a package here today? No. How big was it?
Really?
Did you see a big package? Where did you leave it?
Really? Guys
Are you kidding me? Oh!
That was Packer! Oh
Oh.   Yeah
It takes an advanced sense of humor. I dont expect everybody to understand. It was done out of love
Hey
Yeah... I... You know what... I... I... I just thought about it. I just have a few things I want to say.
Hold... Just hear me out. What is more important than Quality? E-Quality. Now studies show that todays woman
No
They did this up in Albany...
And they ended up turning the break room into a lactation room which is disgusting so...
Well
Anybody want any coffee or...
Women in the workplace... yeah
Everyone. Guys. Circle up
Well
Lets just clap. Ready?   Yeah! Yeah!
Thats what Im talking about!
Just having a little guys in the workplace thing.
Why cant boys play with dolls? Why does society force us to use urinals when sitting down is far more comfortable?
We have nowhere else Jan. This...
OK
Oh
So lets meet the warehouse! Lets get some shots. Pan around there. This is Darryl
You know
Brangelina is the Brad Pitt and Angelina... Roy...
Roy and Pam. Its a Ram. Its a Ram thing.
Uhhuhhuh. Just in case theres someone down here who shouldnt be. A little Good Will Hunting situation. All right. Troops. This is an important day. Big day. Now you may look around and see two groups here. White collar. Blue collar. But I dont see it that way. And you know why not? Because I am collar-blind.
Oh... well... okay... yeah
Guys! Want to start unloading the truck?
Check this out! Look at that! Look at that   bwup-bwa!   Hello! How are...   Oh! Kay. That is great. That is good stuff.
Hey
Stand clear.
Im fine
Oh
We ought to have this thing serviced.
So! Guys gripe session. Here we are. Now
No
Stay or...
Lets start with the Warehouse. What bothers you as guys
OK.
OK
I... That was just...
I was breathing.
I hate shushing. You know
OK. Alright. Good. Guys ragging on each other. Thats what guys do... and we love it.
I feel you.
Yes.
Ah
I know. God! What is that?
It blows. It blows
No. Whoa
You know what? Is that necessary? Because you already sorta have a union... of guys.
Dockworkers?
Yeah. You know what? I think the problem is the chicks.
The problem is the chicks. And you gotta blame them.
Yeah-es.
This is important. Ladies
Dont get hysterical.
Part of my job is knowing how to talk to women.
Lets... be... rational... here. What are the pros? What are the cons?
Dont talk to me that way please. Just... theyre going to want to hear this from you.
But were bonding down there!
I mean I just dont want to have to tell them something theyre not going to want to hear.
Ok. Come on Jan. After all weve been through...
We have a history...
...between us.
I wont
Im just saying we have something... Ok. Whatever.
Cold front coming into the Warehouse. Uh oh! Better put on your ski boots! Woohoohoowoo. Waaaah! Happy New Year
Hi.
Yuh
I have essentially. Yes. Ive taken some...
Im just going to put this over there.
You did uh... okay.
Pizza. Great equalizer. Rich people love pizza. Poor people love pizza. White people love pizza. Black people love pizza. Do black people like pizza?
Hey. Um... look guys
Hey
Thank you to our hosts.
Ahhh! Excellent.
Is it good to be back. Yeah. I mean I love the guy stuff but to run an office you need men and women. You know why? Because you need to have that crazy sexual tension to keep things interesting.
Alright Dwight
Nope. The opposite of that.
Ok
I probably will
Yeah.
What is your problem?
This is a business trip. I would have to be a raving lunatic to try to talk to Jan about what happened between us. Her words
Hey
Alright.
Dude
Well here we go. On our way to New York. New York
The meeting isnt til three
Here it is
Everybody takes the subway in New York. Its fast
This is the world famous Rockefeller Center. Founded
I would love to live in New York someday. Its a big dream of mine. Work for corporate
There they are. Whats up? Hey hey.
Josh Porter
Yeah
You have been kicked out of every strip club in Albany
So whats going on? What I miss?
Cool. Good
Ay
Maybe because shes my girlfriend.   Was
You know
Yeah
Ditto.   How are you Jan?
What is a business? Is it a collection of numbers and sales reports? Sure. But as you know
Life moves a little slower in Scranton
Yeah
And finally
Questions?
Yes
Yes
Oh
No youre not.
Technically
Yes. Im sorry. I will fix this. Ill talk to him. Ill talk to David.
I am serious. And dont call me Shirley. Airplane.
No no no no no
I did
I know. It was borderline at best and... And Jan is a fantastic executive and has all the integrity in the world and um
Oh
Yeah
Oy vey... schmear.
Lets think this through. If we ask Corporate for that then...
Could go either way. We dont know what they are going to say.
Have to think it through. Because if they say no...
No! Yes
Give it to me. Phyllis
Hey
You all right Ryan?
Pam!
Thats what she said!
Grapes. Seductive. So you ready for the big speech this afternoon?
Oh! Abso-fruit-ly. Fruit. Grapes. Nailed the joke. Matter of time. Um... And yes
Speaker at the Sales Convention. Been there
That would look terrible. These are mostly salesmen and salesmen expect to be entertained and you are the main act.
Thats because youre incapable of doing it because you dont know how. Because you have no skills. Dwight
But I can teach you enough so that you dont embarrass me or the company.
Well
Dont. Dont try and think of a question to humor me. Just... try not to be such an idiot.
Insult.
But seriously
Its a joke
Yeah
I do. Both of them.
No
Attention everybody! Attention please! I have some very great news from Corporate. We had a wonderful quarter and as a result all of you are getting bonuses for 1000 dollars!
Congratulations.
You see that? You see how they responded to me? In that moment
No
Hes kidding. Dwight was kidding and I dont know why because it wasnt funny... and it was just horrible.
Yeah.
All right. Everybody in the conference room now. Lets go. Lets do it.
As your leader and your friend
Pam! Im public speaking. Stop public interrupting me. Actually
Yes. Good. Jim taking the initiative.
Oh ho hokay. You know what? Thats not a toast. Youre not standing up.
Okay
Well
Dwight is not going to do a job. Its sad. And theyre expecting excellence because I did do such a good job. Two years in a row. I killed. It was amazing.
Confidence
Its time
All right. You ready? Here we go! Wow. Its a little bit bigger than I remember. Come on. Were down here. Right.
Dwight
All right. You know what? Okay. No. No problem. You are lucky you have me here. Im going to cover for you.   All right!
Gooood morning
Im very sorry. I did not know you were wearing a hearing aid and I just thought you were speaking abnormally. ...And now the black guy from the Police Academy movies. A robot.   Michael Winslow
Car starting.   All right
Good luck. That is a tough crowd.
I got thirsty. Howd it go?
You would not believe what happened here.
Oh! This woman came in
Yeah
She might have been. So she says Fine. I will go to my room. I will get my purse. I will come back. Ill show you my ID. She hasnt come back yet. Shes probably in her room drinking from the mini-bar! Right?
Dwight gave a great speech. Thats the word on the street anyway. And I entertained Dwight to no end with my bar stories. So
Pam. Ms. Beasley if yer nastay! Janet Jackson. Hey! You having a wardrobe malfunction there? Or w---
... Oh
Listen
Well
Theyre cool.
Fine
Okay
I work with a bunch of nerds.
Oh
Oh.
Yeah
Its not that children make me uncomfortable
They want how many spiral pads?
Okay.
Just compare last years order to this years. Uh-huh. Yeah
Yes. Well... we can...  Sasha walks in
Nice to meet you.
Oh
All aboard for sales! Next stop
Dwight! Dwight!
What the hell are you reading to them?
Yeah
Whats a Nazi?
Dont!
Dont! Dont! Dont talk about Nazis in front of--- you know what? Theyre going to have nightmares
Why dont you just leave? Okay?
Alright. There goes Mister Poop. Now
Children cannot lie. They are innocent
This is where the magic happens! Right over here
No
Yes it is
Im not just a middle... man...
You are describing Office Depot
...Theres Creed! Lets take a look at what hes doing
Say hi to the kids.
Yaaaaay.
What are you doing? N--stop it! Stop it! Just--no
No no no
You know
Its true. I did.
I am totally serious. There was a show called Fundle Bundle and I was the star.
Its true! I can prove it! I can prove it
I want you to get the tambourine. Do you know how to play the tambourine?
Oka--
Okay! Thank you Ryan. Good attitude
Alright
I dont get why parents are always complaining about how tough it is to raise kids. You joke around with them
I am going to give you a little blast from the past of Michael Gary Scott when he was a child star
That... is Miss Trudy. Cant tell from the costume
Stop! Stop! Stop!   Yes! That is
Yeah.
Uhh
Can everyone please shut up
Oh! Thats me. Shh. Shh.
Coulda sworn there was...
...uh
Uh
Uh
I do okay.
Yes.
Okay! Alright
...I guess not... you know
Yeah?
Oh
Thank you.
You have to ask me that because you work for human resources.
Well
Tell me something honestly
What about...
...Jan. Kay.
...Or biologically.
Thanks
Oh... kay.
Yes
Hey
You... who are on the road... must have a code... that you can live by...   and so... become yourself... because the past... is just a goodbye... and teach... your children well...
One more time.   You...
So
Dont worry about Phil. He drives a corvette. He is doing just fine. Okay. Calling cards are... the wave of the future. These things sell themselves.
You know what? Thats a nice attitude
Yes! Thank you! You will get rich quick. We all will!
You know what
Alright
Oh ho ho! What?
Thank you! Thats really nice.
Today is my B-day
Whats up?
Ah
Yeah.
Ohh
No no no
Thank you very much. It is from Italy.   Actually--- no
Good luck. One of a kind.
Not necessary
Dont! Nope! Please
Lets get the party started. Not the way I taught you!
Yeah?
Oh
Hey
It is urgent
Really? Cause
Thanks.
Nope. Totally private. You can say whatever is in your heart.
to Ryan
Somebody brought in donuts for my birthday!
Thanks.
Somebody got donuts for my birthday!
You didnt know it was my birthday.
Well
Mmm.
Here we go. Ohhhkay
Okay. Im so nervous.
When I was seven
Stop it. Stop! What is that?
Yeah
Youre making it worse. I bet Luke Perrys friends dont treat him like this  .
What?
Ohhh
Ohhh
Ohh
Okay.
Thank you.
Whoa whoa! Alright. Alright. Watch it... please.
Get in here... everybody.
Birthday party subs! My gift to you.
The best.
Yes.
Well
Just the bread
Mm-kay. Get whatever you want.   And choke on it.
When I was sixteen
Kevin? Respect the birthday please.
Are you done? ...Good. Okay.
Uhhh... blow out the candle. Okay. Mmmm...
... I asked for trick candles.
Okay. Well
... Aww
There you are. Good news. Did some research. It turns out that 98% of people with skin cancer fully recover.
Yeah
And laughter... also.
Why are you here? I didnt even invite you to my birthday party.
Nyeh
Well
Excuse me
How dare you sir. You are gross.
That should not be there.
No
Yeah
Hey Pam
Kevin. You heard anything yet?
Okay. Well. Live strong.
Alright.
Yeah. Carol? She sold me my condo! Hey! What
Oh
Oh
Cool. Alright. Grab on. Here we go. Ready? Hang on tight. Alright. We are moving. We are reaaallly mooovin now!
Push. Good! Thats great. You got it.   Excuse me.
Oh... God...   God!   Were gonna beat this
Well
Okay
Cool. Ohh. Great. From Dwight.
Thank you... Dwight. Thats great. Thanks.
Yeah.
Oh! You didnt need to do that. ...Nightswept. This is... really amazing. Thank you. I love it.
Ry
Narc!
I wasnt attempting to compliment you.
Uuf
Okay...
Why dont you just cool it
Thanks. M-m-munchies. Who wants some munchies?
Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Whos he calling? Ratting somebody out. Narc! Narc! Kevin?
Remember the narc bit?   Uh-oh
Waa... what? What are you talking about?
Two nights ago
Okay
I can do that
Hmmm. Ha.   Alright. Great.
It has come to my attention that some people here think that the use of drugs is something to laugh about.
No
I am ridiculously anti-drug. So anti-drug that I am above suspicion in any way that involves suspicion
Drugs ruin lives people. Drugs destroy careers. Take Cheech and Chong everybody knows that Cheech and Chong are funny
Are these facts scaring you
Do you think that smoking drugs is cool? Do you think that doing alcohol is cool?
Okay
Yes it is.
Okay
I can test anyone randomly
Okay
Really?
Jim its okay. You can t...  Jim looks at Pam and shakes his head
The point Im trying to make with all of this people is that I hate drugs. I hate them
Yes
Okay
So I need you to do some work on the St. Andrews account. I need your urine. I need some filing done.
Just forget it. Just the urine.
Just. I need your urine.
Yes in a cup
Its none of your business.
Okay. Alright. Just
I need clean urine for the lady.
Dont think of it that way. Its like
A cup could find its way under the urine. It might be an accident. It happens.
No
Dwight. Well
Whats wrong? Wheres your costume?
Why? Wha...
Since you did such a good job with the investigation
Yes
So you wanna? Thanks.
Okay.
Good.
No. Oh. Uh...
Alright.   Well
Yes
Thats a nice tie.
That is... who makes that?
Do you mind if I wear that for the photo?
Whats the dealio?
Whats the problem?
So what
Yes.
Yeah?
Okay.
What do you know about conflict resolution? Your answer to everything is to get divorced. So...
Okay... what?
Yeah
A mediators tool chest. Okay
No. Okay
Just hold on
Win/Win is number four and number five is win/win/win. The important difference here is with win/win/win
Okay
Come on
Okay
Yes. Thank you
Okay... well
Okay
It is done!
Yes.
Are those all the other complains?
I would like to see those please.
You cant do that
Okay.  yanks the file away
Ohh... God. Alright. Why do I have to do everything?
This is from Kevin. He says Stanley uses his Miracle Whip without asking. Meredith complains that everyone talks too loud in the morning and the lights are too bright. Creed... huh. Duh
You will notice that not one of these complaints is against me.
How many of you have at one time gone to Toby to complain about another employee?  looks at all the employees
Thats what she said.   The thing is
Oh
All right
Uh...  Does she have to plan her wedding on office time? Couldnt she do that at home?   Who else? Why dont we just warm up first? Warm up emotionally
Here is a Kelly complaint: Ryan never returns my calls. Ugh
Makin progress.   Yes?
What?!
Stanley.
You got a lot of anger under there buddy. Come on start us out. Unleash it.
Someone complained that the mens room is whites only. Stanley
Okay
And... also
Oh... ok.
Okay
OK
All right
Uh. Dwight.
Okay! Calm down.
Hey
Stop.
Okay...
Dwight...
Stop...
Oh... kay...
Okay.
Yes.
Mm-hmm.
You know your I.D. says youre a security threat?
Okay... you two
Cage matches? Yeah
Okay
This morning
Every time I typed my name
By the end of the day
The Japanese have this thing called shiatsu massage
Hey
Maybe
Okay. Oh... actually
Good. Okay.
Hey! Wait. How about a group picture while youre here?
Well... thats... what
Itll take like two seconds.
Ugh... All right. Everybody
Come on
We resolved a lot today
Good
What?
You just press the button.
Okay
Thats terrible.
Lets pay Mr. Price Gouger.  rejoins the group
It was really hard getting a good picture of fifteen people. He would not give me a good discount. And eight tries added up.
One
But
And that is why the idea of a cage match is so universally appealing. But heres the thing about cage matches: sometimes you have to open the cage. And that is something Toby will never understand.
Tonight the Scranton Business Park is having Casino Night and we are converting our warehouse into a full-blown gambling hall. And I know its illegal in Pennsylvania
I try not to think of it as lagging behind. Its more of a David-and-Goliath thing.
Top 80 percent!
Yeah?
Jan
Emeril. Oh
I am
Oh
You know
Jan and I understand each other. The romance thing is sort of on hold for the time being
Okay
Well
Well
So get your charities in to Pam. I
Comedy is very much alive
Well
Oh
Why are you the way that you are? Honestly
No
What?
Thats a dog.
Thats a shawl.
No. Humans with AIDS.
Okay
There are certain topics that are off-limits to comedians
I have already put down the deposit. Do you understand how a deposit works?
Its Casino Night like Las Vegas. There are fire-eaters all over the place.
Well
Why are you here?
Not. I said
Thats ironic.
That you are afraid.
Dinkin flicka.
Give me some.
Yes
Who?
Do I know a Carol Stills?
Oh
Hi
Oh
Great. It has a little bit of a weird smell. Its okay. At Christmas
Actually
Yeah
Yeah. Itll be fun. What do you...  What do you...
Oh
Okay
Hey
I am?
Oh
AIDS.
Okay
Bye Hello
Right.
Yeah?
What?
Okay.
Problem. Good.
Good
Bye.
Two queens on Casino Night. I am going to drop a deuce on everybody.
Hey
Hey
You look great.
Oh
Can I get you a drink? The food is from Hooters.
Okay.
Billy
Your nurse became your girlfriend? Sweet.
Chilis is great.
Welkommen
Shut it
All-in.
Bluffing is a key part of poker
What are... Thats insane.
Well
Okay
You really screwed that up.
Yeah
Jan.
Look
After you said you werent coming
Um...
Hey. What...
All right!
Four!   Blow. Blow for luck! Yeah! Also
Yeah!
So close. So close.
Hey
Thank you.
Okay. Thanks for coming.
Okay. Talk to you Monday.
Good night. Shes a good boss.
Oh
Love triangle. Drama. All worked out in the end
No! That is the fun of this place. I call everybody faggie. Why would anybody find that offensive?
Thats what faggie means!
It wasnt just an action movie
Exactly!
Yeah
OK
I would have never called him that if I knew. You dont... You dont call retarded people retards. Its bad taste. You call your friends retards when theyre acting retarded. And I consider Oscar a friend.
Listen man
No. No its not. I feel terrible about it. I have been calling people faggie since I was in junior high
Can you tell whos gay and whos not?
What about Oscar?
Well
There could be others... I need to know. I dont want to offend anybody else.
Yeah
Hey
I dont know
Do some research. Find out if theres a way to tell by just looking at them.
Thats ridiculous.
Lets call him and get the website.
Well
I watch the L Word. I watch
What? What does that even...
Well
I think Angela might be gay. Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair? Maybe! Is that what this is about?
I dont kn--
Anythings possible.
Well
The company has made it my responsibility today to put an end to 100
Trick question! Cause you cant always tell
Nothing wrong with this stuff. At all. This is fine. You know what. Gay p0rn
All right
Did you know that gay used to mean happy? When I was growing up it meant lame. And now it means a man
Were all homos! Homosapiens. Gays arent necessarily who you think they are
Who should be the judges and juries of our society?
Yes
Thats great. Congratulations Phyllis. That is great
But still
Right!   And I take that as a compliment.
Well
No
No no no. The only signal that I am sending is : Gay
Look
You misunderstand-- OK. You know what
...and I just dont care who sees it
All right
Im sorry I called you faggie. Youre not faggie. Youre a a good guy.
You know what
Oh come on! Dwight! Come on
We are not in the playground anymore. There are new rules. We have to be mature. But we cant lose the spirit of child like wonder. What is love... anyway? Maybe its supposed to break all the rules. Like me and Jan. Or Oscar... and some guy. Life is short. When two people find each other
I am glad that today spurred social change. Thats part of my job as regional manager. But you know what? Even if it didnt
Oh
Pam?
Did you see Oprah yesterday?
I
Angelina Jolie was on. And she adopted a baby from Asia
I know.
Well...
Just do it
Um... find out if theres a cheaper
Eight months?
I dont even know if Ill want a baby in eight months.
You know what
Twenty years.
Thirty.
Its a deal.
Yesh.
Right there. Ah.
Per diem.
Guess where I am going. I will give you a hint. It is a booze-fueled s*x romp
Sleep with who? Whom
Oh
Yeah
Really? Okay. Well
Um. Okay
You got that?
Write it down.
Um.
Hey
Good to see you. There he is! Theres the traitor! Traitor! Traitor! Come here
I was shocked when he told me he was transferring to Stamford. Its like the firemen. You dont leave your brothers behind
Yeah! Wow
Hey!
Ah.
Jan? Look
The eight-hundred pound gorilla in the room. Carol. Im still dating her
Thank you for being so brave with all of this. Thank you.
I know! That is specifically why I chose a room close to the elevator. More foot traffic.
That is crooked on that side.
Hey hey!
Yeah.
Well
Hey
Wish I was. I love inside jokes. Id love to be a part of one someday.
All right
Ugh
SWAG! Stuff we all get. I basically decorated my condo for free with all of my SWAG.
Check it out. Hi
You know what? Im having a huge blowout tonight
Well
So maybe. See ya.
Because hes afraid to fly.
Do you remember me from last year? Theres a party in my room
Yep. Yeah
I dont have to
See you in a bit. Bye-bye.   May I have a moment of your time please?
I need you to do something for me.
I want you to dig up some dirt on Josh. Find out if there are any skeletons in his attic.
And?
Business has been pretty crazy around the office.
Yeah. Moved Ryan over to your desk.
I will call him later with that message.
Toby Flenderson is everything that is wrong with the paper industry. Is he why you left?
Opportunity
Hey
Youre welcome.
No
I have generated a lot of interest in my party this evening.
The party Im having tonight in 308. Obviously
Any messages for 308? All right.
Hey hey
Whats up?
Hey
Oh
Okay! Excellent. Oh...
Shut it.   Hey
Yes. That is Josh and Dwight and Jim.   Pam says hi.   Have fun on your date! Very good
You first.
Not. It hit the rim. Okay
Well
Come on!
Come on!
Fine.
Jim and I have different definitions of friendship. I think its talking and being friends
Okay
Sorry
Yes
Used to be. Evan will call you in the morning to work out the details. We can now sell HammerMill products.
Yeah
Hey
This is the party.
Party central! So
People have been filtering in and out.
What?
Sure. You like Cosmos?
Sure
I get it! No
Im not better than Josh.
Oh my God. You dont even know. Shes single now.
Im sorry
Yeah.
I will. Ill talk to her. You should at least talk to Roy. I mean
Hey! No
Evan
Hey
Best friends.
Some people need dozens of friends to say
Now
Whoa. What are those stains?
Oh
Ahhhhhhhhh.   Im hungry.
Movie Monday! The only cure I know for the Monday blues is... Varsity Blues!
Lets gooooo! Lets go
Alright
Yes pleeeeease! Thank yooouuu!
Entourage!
Kevin
Dont whine. Get the window.
Previously on Varsity Blues...
Hi Jan! Hope you brought the Milk Duds!
People work faster after...
No... they have to... to make up for the time they lost watching the movie.
Ok.
Ouchy.
Three hours
Hi.
Oh. Thats nice.
...what?
...you were at the dentist?
Ok.
What was Dwight thinking? That he could turn Jan against me? Shes my ex-lover! ...ish.
Hey Dwight.
Do you want an M&M?
No seriously. You should have an M&M
Theyre good
Hey. I thought you werent supposed to eat anything for a couple hours after youve had a crown put in.
Sounds like a good dentist.
Whats his name?
Your dentists name is Crentist.
Huh. Sounds a lot like dentist.
Let me see your teeth. Let me see em. Let me see em.
You should... floss.
Well then... I am glad youre ok.
Business is like a jungle. And I... am like a tiger. And Dwight
Dwight
Wow
Ohhhh. Arrrgggh!
Well
Yeah. You know what the craziest part of this is? She demoted me to your job!
And she said that you should be expecting a call later from corporate
I know. I told her I didnt know whether youd wanna do it... because youve always been so loyal to me. Youve been my most trusted ally.
Yep
Perfect
All right. Well then
Ohh..
Cant you? Thats so nice.
Well... I guess we should go tell the troops.
Hey
You might think that I am kidding
Because
Because thats all it takes.
Ok
Oh
No
I... wont. I wont.
Well
Its a corporate lease Dwight
What?
But you said you liked it. Youve always admired it.
Take it back.
Thats my car.
THATS MY CAR.
I know
Jan called me about your little meeting!
I know
Oh do you? Do you like the Sebring--- HOW DARE YOU?! How dare you
Give me one good reason why I should fire you RIGHT HERE ON THE SPOT?!
Not. Good. Enough!
I have a laundry machine!
I dont know if I can trust you anymore.
You can get up. Get up.   And you can hug it out
Hug it out
Yep. Yeah
Hey Ryan
Oh
All right
There you go.
Youre welcome.
Dont mind if I do. See you in a minute.
There you go
Theres coffee in the kitchen
All right. Okay.  goes back down pretend stairs
I am like Bette Midler in For the Boys. Gotta keep the troops entertained.
All right.
Oookay. Let me see if I have his cell. Is this the only reason you are calling
Oh
Attention
Yes
Thats right
So did you hear the news?
Yeah.
Oh

Yeah. Mmmmmm.
Yeah. Must really have you thinkin.
The older you get
What?
Oh my God.
That is just not the way a Dunder Mifflin manager should go
So
What are you doing?
I didnt... he was driving on the road and he went under a truck. And thats when his head was separated from the rest of him. And I will let you know more as soon as I find out.
I dont understand. We have a day honoring Martin Luther King
You really dont get it
A statue.
Yeah.
Well
We could have his eyes light up
I think that is a great way to honor Ed.
Life-size.
Well
Mm hm.
Oh do you? You know who wished they could get back to work is Ed Truck.
But Ed truck cant because he is---
DEAD.
Thats perfect.
Oohh... can you imagine how much blood there was? If it happened right here
What?
Well
Well
There are five stages to grief
I am going to throw you this ball. When you catch the ball
Okay
Okay
Yeah. Pam
Okay
Oh
Okay... Im going to toss the ball to Pam.
Wow. If you wanna cry
Do you want to talk about it anymore?
Wait a second. Thats Weekend at Bernies.   Do you think that this is a game?
All right
You are not leaving. No! We are not done.
Yeah. Well
How do you know?
That that bird was dead? Did you check its breathing?
Was its heart beating
Oh
Oh my God! Oh my God
Oh shhhh--oot!
No
No
Well
We dont know if its dead.
Attention everybody. This will only take a second of your time. Today at 4 p.m. we will be meeting in the parking lot to have a funeral service for this bird.
Well
No
Its okay. Its okay.   Shh... yes
What are... What are you doing?
No
Glad you could all make it.
Dwight
You made this? Wow.   Thats... thats very nice.
Yes.
Shhh.
Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well
Uhhh... nothing.
Yeah
Wow. Well. Ok. I dont care how your day was either
I worked. And then I went home to my condo. And Carol came over. And then we had s*x. Is that what you want to hear?
Never ever
Hey Koselli
Productivity is important but how can I be productive if I have this one little thing in my brain? That I cannot get out. And that one little thing is a soft pretzel. So Im just going to have my soft pretzel
Oh
Uh huh.
Hey
No
No
Get in the back please.
Boooooo. Thank you.  . Thats right.
No cuts. Oh
I thought that maybe you could wait in line for me while I go to the bathroom. Youre an angel.
Because I like them a certain way
Pam
Hi. Please tell me that you have a sweet pretzel left.
Thank God.
Is there anyway that you could do all
All right! Thank you!
Mr. Kosseli. Hey hey hey
Oh! Hey! Everyone
Yes
And I will be taking questions.
Carmel Dip. But
Hey
AM or PM?
Oh
Oh. Koselli. With the Jello.
Yes. Right. Good.
Goodnight!
Nice dress
OK.
Tonight
How come you didnt get me one?
Hey. Hey. Stop that. That is offensive. Indians do not eat monkey brains. And if they do... sign me up... because I am sure that they are very tasty and nutritional.
Its important that this company celebrates its diversity. And you know what
Wha? Really? You should! Its fun.
I love the people here. And if there was one thing I di... dont really care for is that they can be terribly
Diwali is a very important holiday for the Hindus. But
Kelly?
Um... why dont you tell us a little bit about the origins of the holiday.
All right
Now
Okay. Spoiler... alert.
Just stop it.   Whats the... oh
And another thing about the Indian people... they love s*x positions. I present to you the Kama Sutra. I mean look at that. Whos seen that before?
Thank you
Well
No...
No
No. This is delightful
My Indian Culture Seminar was going great until Toby decided that he was too immature to deal with culturally explicit images. Its just s*x. People... everybody does it. Im doing it... with Carol! Probably tonight.
What does that look like to you?
No ones even going to notice.
Hey
Ill have one of those as well. Thank you very much. Now these are limes
Oh
No. These smores are disgusting.
Do you think they have any smores?
All they are is chocolate
Wow
Wow.
Oh! Shes not a cheerleader. She thought this was a costume party! Um... no
She is. Very fair and very kind. So... um... tell me
Im going to be.   Hi
What do you say?
I didnt hear you.
Oh
No. I get it. I get it. Youre not ready. Well wait. This is a classic...
Yeah
Yes.
Ok. Okay. Good night.   Hey
All right. Good night.
Oh
Thats so spicy.
Oh. You waiting for a call?
Wow. Pam. When Carol said No. tonight
I was in that marriage arena
Yeah. Uuuuh... well.
Were so alike. So alike.
What are you doing?
Im... what? I didnt
Can I have a ride home?
These are not my shoes. This is just like that show Taxi Cab Confessions.
Sorry.
This is going out to Indians everywhere. Its a tribute to one of the greats... Mr. Adam Sandler.   Diwali is a festival of lights. Let me tell you something. Tonight has been one crazy night. So put on your saris
There she is - Jan Levinson. First...
...thing in the morning. Love to start my morning with a hearty bowl of Jan.
Just call me Levinson in the morning
Yes.
I dont understand.
On whoms authority?
What?
Youre welcome.
Am I a small number person or a severance package person?
Oh...   Oh
Well...
Oh
Oh really
It is an outrage
Pictures. Memories.   Look at that. They grow up so fast.
Dont say that. That just sounds weird. Please.
Well... we have nothin to talk about
Yeah
Nothing. Just checking in. I cant tell you
Nothing
What?
Do I have any messages?
Ok
Listen up
You knew about this all along
Traitor. You are a traitor.
I dont know. Probably not. This is the worst.
Darryl. Noble Darryl.
I know
So
Awesome.
This is my house. The CFO is taking away my house and giving it to Josh. And Josh is giving the garage to Bob Vance.
All right
Yes. This might get ugly. I need backup.
Go to New York
No... way.
No. Theres no one else.
Okay
Why?
You sent him cards? You never met him.
Okay
I will improvise. I will speak from the heart.
All right.
Yes
Stop... stop it! Just
Because hed be intimidated and I
Dont touch me this time.
Excuse me

The office.
No
Anything?
What if this doesnt work? What is the office actually goes under?
All right
That was hilarious. The foam ...
Oh
Oh
God
What are we still doing here? Its over. Lets go home. Get the car.
Oh
What?!
We did it? We did it.
Right here! Right here!
Yeah
We did it!
How did we do it?
I dont understand.
Here... Whos here?
Yes
Karen Filip...   Ka-ren Fili-pell-li.
Okay.
My branch is absorbing the Stamford branch. Or
Whos next?
Andy Bernard.
Saint Bernard.
What?
Im not...
Im not firing somebody on the first day.
Got the food? Good! Looky-looky-looky. What I want you to do... set it up in the conference room
Ah! Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding. Our first arrival. Welcome to Scranton. This is Hannah Smoterich-Barr.
Welcome to our humble abode. Follow me to your desk. Your ball and chain is right over here.
You know for a lot of these people this is the only family they have. So... As far as Im concerned
Ah! There he is Tony... whats your last name?
Gardner! I knew that. There you go. Gift bag... for you.   Okay.
Well
Wh..and coupons... to various hot spots around Scranton.   All right! Let me show you to your area
Welcome.
Welcome
Mmm... dah. I am actually your boss
Ah! You must be Andy Bernard. Aloha and welcome!
A-ha-ha-ho. Very good! Welcome to our little kingdom. Ah
Oh.
They are nifty! Theyre nifty gifties.
You know who I really like? Is this guy Andy Bernard. He has got this very likable way about him.
No way. Get him out of here. We dont want any of this kind in here. Good to see you
How are you? Martin Nash
Free of charge. Follow me
Right.
I present the orientation video.
Not now.
I told you the titles are irrelevant. They just relate to pay scale.
It is not a matter of more or less. Your pay is just different. Okay? All right! Show time
I dont care! Dwight! You all report to me! Thats all that matters! The rest of it just work out amongst yourselves
Work it out amongst your selves!
Please! I have a company to run. Well
Will you?
Please?
Okay. Everybody settled in? Good. Why dont we all proceed in to the conference room? Or
Yoko shack.
Nope
Nope. Um... for the guests it is. For you
Well
No
Wrong. Toby
Lets face it. Moving to a new job can be very stressful. So I have made an orientation video especially for you newcomers. But its not like any orientation video that any of you have ever seen. Its funny. Its got a little bit of a zing to it and I hope that it gives you a flavor of what were all about here at Dunder Mifflin. And what were all about here in Scranton. So lets just all laugh together and watch Lazy Scranton.
Sittin in my office with a plate of grilled bacon
So check out how we live
They call it Scranton.
The Electric City. Scranton.
The Electric City. Call poison control if youre bit by a spider.
I am so scared... when people dont label their personal food.
You like coal mines and you wanna see em
Spot. Scranton. What? The Electric City. Scranton.What? The Electric City. Scranton. What?
Well
Oh-kay. Sorry to interrupt. I...
All right.
Okay.
What is that? A squids eye or...
How did you...
People hate people that are different from them. Thats natural. But you know what makes people forget their differences? A great show. That is why I created the Integration Celebration. This is the moment when Scranton and Stamford come together as one. United in applause.
I know what a lot of you must be thinking. Wow! What a day! Feels more like a night at a party than a day at work. Well
Ssshh stupid! Um...
Thats it!
Yes
Okay
Oh!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Scuse me! Scuse me!
You me? You me? Me you? You! You! You me! Bow Bow Bow!
You me? You me? Me you me! You! You! You me you! You! Oh my nose so itchy
Okay
Okay! Okay!
All right
Why are the new people on the table? To show them that we are not above them.
Not today. No. Tony! Please join your cohorts on the table if you would.
I understand. Were all friends.
Oh
You know what? Ill help. I will...
Dont be shy! Dwight! Lets do this!
Come on. Were doing this thing! Lets get up.
Bend at the knees. Okay
Weve almost got it. Push it! Push it!
Im right in your crack!
Up and over.
Up and over.
Youve got it.
Youve got it
Whoa Whoa Whoa! Okay.
Easy.
Dont...
What...
I dont understand.
Well
You cant quit! On the first day. Thats   heresy
My management style? So... didnt you think Lazy Scranton was funny?
Okay. Well
You are fired! Im sorry
Dont try to apologize to me
Probably the best advice you ever gave me
Whoa
No. We do have to get along. Cant we all just get along? Or have we forgotten the words of the Reverend King.
The word merger comes from the word marriage. And that was what today was supposed to be. The loving union between people. Instead
Hey! Hey
Yeah! They punkd us! They punkd us good! Come on. Come on!
Man
Yeah.
Go home
Why? I will tell you why. Because they saved the worst for me. They put a hate note under my windshield wiper. Check this out. Its so hateful.   You guys SUCK! You can never pull together as one and revenge us. That is why you SUCK!
No. No
THIS IS EGREGIOUS! This is egregious!
See that? Mission accomplished. Like a bunch of fourth graders. Sometimes
Hi
I did. Major personnel crises averted. Compliment accepted.
Yes.
But do you realize that that was actually Dwights idea? Bad advice from my Number Two.
What?
Yes
So after a great deal of thought and introspective-shun
Uh... that I have not decided yet.
Thank you
Shut it...
Shut it! Thats...   suck up!
Ohhh
Ohh. May I?
Hey
Yeah
I didnt hire an ex-convict. Unless they mean Toby. Convicted rapist.   ... Im just kidding.
Hey Jan
Hannah?
Kuhhhh... you are such a racist.
Because you think hes black.
Stop it. Stop it right-stop it right now.
Why did the convict have to be a black guy? It is such a stereotype. I just wish that Josh had made a more progressive choice. Like a white guy... who went to prison for... polluting a black guys lake.
In our society
Sssssso
Good. All right.
Just... try to be cool.
Okay
Um... Martin
Hey Martin
Ah. Good good. Good. Just a second. Everybody? May I have your attention please? I realize that a lot of you have already heard that Martin here has had some trouble with the law
...Danny Glover.   Yeah.
Who?
Oh. Please. Colin Powell.
Yup.
Apollo Creed.
Close your eyes. Picture a convict. Whats he wearing? Nothing special
No. Thats not cool. You dont have to tell them.
That is awesome.
Well
Ah. Well. Thats not true.
No you would not.
This place is not prison. Its... way better than prison.
Okay! Listen up everybody! Um
Why dont we... pump some iron? Anyone wanna... pump up?
Its uh... two and a half. Im not going for bulk
Yeah
Oh heyyy. Martiiin. You have TV in the joint?
Ah. A ten inch black and white?
These people dont realize how lucky they are. This office is the American Dream. And they would rather be in the hole.
All right everybody
Do you really expect me to not push you up against the wall
Internet.
And prison. Eh
I stole. ... And I robbed. And I kidnapped... the... presidents son. And held him for ransom.
And I nevah got caught
Gruel. Sandwiches. Gruel omelettes. Nothing but gruel. Plus
Yeah. Yeah. Well
The worst thing about prison was the... was the Dementors. They... were flying all over the place
No
Okay. Okay
No! If you think is prison is so wonderful
They were very disrespectful to me
Okay. You know what Toby? I am teaching them a lesson
Okay nutcases
Martin went from being a new guy from Stamford... to a convict
Deck the halls with boughs of holly. Fa la la la la la la la la.   Tis the ... ack.   Hey!   I would like a nice slice of Christmas Pam. Side of candied Pams. And perhaps
Im looking for the toy drive box.
OK... Well
Umm... I dont know? Average kind?
Well
No.
Oh
Yes?   Oh Pam
OK. Did everybody get one of these?
Terrific. Good.
This is going to be the best Christmas ever. My girlfriend Carol is coming to our party tonight
There she is. A Christmas Carol. Hello   Youre about five hours early to the party. Youre such a blonde.
Hey
Turn around
No
Yes.
Thank you.
Not as much as I need a moment alone with you.   Berp.
That is my Christmas card. Its a picture of you and me and your kids on a ski trip
I know.
Right.
Yes
And next to your kids. What?
I dont understand?
OK
No
I got us tickets to Sandals
And its all inclusive.
Yes.
No
Id like everybodys attention. Christmas is canceled.
Keep it up Stanley and you will lose New Years.
Jim
Carol and I split up. Amicably. And I just dont think it would be appropriate to celebrate under the circumstances.
Fine!   Have your party. Just no guests.
Well
Oh
It hurts my heart. It hurts my stomach. It hurts my arms.
Thanks. How did you push away the bad thoughts?
Like maybe
And not that you didnt want to try them. Some wine may have helped. Do you know what Im referring to?
Take it from Toby.
Hey
Its all...   OK.
What are you doing?
Carol?
I dont have to buy it. I just want to taste it. I just... I just want a little taste of it.
Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend.
This is an old adage
All right. Nothing here to distract myself with anyway.
Hooters?
Ah
Why not?
Ok
Cmon Jim
Bros before hos. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They have got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you were nothing but great to your ho and you told her she was the only ho for you. And that she was better than all the other hos in the world. And then ... and then suddenly shes not yo ho no mo.
Dwight
Carol used to drink lattes.
She would get this little foam mustache...
And I used to say Hey
She totally got me. She understood that we didnt have to laugh to enjoy ---
Im already starting to forget what color eyes she had. I cant
Im just gonna call her.
Nothing hes doing is cheering me up.
Oh
Youre right. Thats good.
I dont know. No one can hear me. You know what? Start the party.
Ahh
Excuse me   Ah
I dont think... I love it!
I dont know what hes doing.
You know what we should do?
We should invite them to the Christmas party.
Oh
OK
The least I could do was give some poor sick kid a bike.
Nah
Oh.   Thats what she said.
Hello? I would like everybody to meet my new girlfriend.
The giant baby. Wow
Oh
Shhh... Shut it! Cmon! Party.
Were going to ...
I just think there are two
Do you agree about what?   Wow. Youre lucky youre so darn cute.
Whatre you talking about?
When you know
Check her out. My little gal over there. Babe-alectable.
Its... its one of those two.
Yeah... well
I honestly dont see what the big deal is. Stevie Wonder is married. Are you going to tell me that Stevie Wonder doesnt love his wife just because hes not sure what she looks like?
Hey. Wheres my girl? Is she in the fridge? Where is she hiding? I dont know where she is. Cause Im drunk
Haha
Oh
Hey
No
Where do you wanna go?
I... you know what? I
You want help? OK... Merry Christmas.
That waitress was the one.
How can you be sure?
Dont make fun... Youre making fun of me.
I guess
I
Oh
I had rebound? Yeah.
I totally rebounded. Someone else shoots and I take the ball and I score. Well
Yes
Hey
Blah
Just relax
Arent you going to ask me how Jamaica was? Say it. Ask me.
It was so good. Oh
Stanley. You know what? It is really good to see you
OK
Well
You are not as much fun as your Jamaican brothers... mon.
Feelin hot
You know
Got to see how Jamaicans live. It is great
Yeah... Gosh. Great. You know what
Inventorys at the end of December.
I specifically went on vacation so I would miss it.
Inventory is boring. In the islands
Tonight
The Jamaicans dont have a word for impossible.
How hard is a luau? All you need are some grass skirts
Come on in. Settle in. Settling. Settling... and settled. Good
No
Jan told me to play it cool and not tell anybody because it can get us both in trouble. So officially
Hey dude. I just got back from Jamaica.
Yeah
Well Im looking at a photo
Oh no?
OK. Well
Check it again. Hit refresh.
OK
Darryl?! Hey. Hi. Wheres Darryl?
OK
Thats great
OK. Well
OK. Um
And you sent that out to everyone?
I have a special assignment for you.
A sensitive email has been released to the office. It contains a file
Not important.
OK
Not now
Aww
That photo is my personal property and if you are telling me you went on my computer and stole that photo
This is probably the icebreaker you need.
I bet you would love all the details
No
OK.
Oh
She bought it?   OK. OK.
There an accident? Somebody hurt?
Oh. God. No
All right.
Hello. Hi. Attention everyone. Um
No
My point is that
Feelin... feelin hot
Hey.
Island living. You know?
Did she say what its about?
There are copies in the bathroom?
All right.
Guh.
OK
I...
I... I... Yes.
OK
Who is Dr. Perry? I...
And I
So
Well thanks for coming over
Jan
Jim
Sorry
You know what? Get Pam.
Pam.
Oh
Damn it.
Dwight
Yes. Ok
Oh.
Well
Well
Good. Next up
You cant pass. Youve got to pick somebody.
So that just leaves Dwight and Jim.
Dwight?
Here ya go.
Please.
Long story. All right everybody
No
Just bragging rights.
Its just... brrrrrr... Its Amazing Race
Whoah
Here we go.
Ugh... that is a long story. Um
Hawkman.
Lets go. The mens room was disgusting.
Hey
You know
You know what? Lets get right down to it. Dunder-Mifflin may be just two rooms and a warehouse
I think what Andy is trying to express is that while we have the resources of a large company
No.
Stop it.   Stop it.
Yes.
Ah
What?
I dont know. Who knows how words are formed.
Yes
He didnt say.
No
Dwight betrayed me once before. So this is his strike two. You know what they say? Fool me once
I knew it.
Where were you this morning?
Why do you lie
You are lying right now.
I know that you went to corporate this morning
Ok
Dont. Dont you dare. I want to know what you were doing this morning by the end of the day.
Good luck.
Yes
Yes
I said was.
What does that even mean? That is impossible.
But
Hey
Yep.
I dont know. Maybe.
Bathroom.
Wow.   What is wrong with this thing? It looks terrible.
Yeah. And you know what? Ask them about the toys on my desk too. They always used to arrange them in a very pleasing way. It used to brighten my morning.
Really? That was very nice of him. We need more attitude like that around the office.
Yeah
What did I say?
Huh.
Oh
No
No
Ah
Whos that sportscaster that bit that lady? Marv something? Andy is like Marv Something. Great sportscaster. Big weirdo creep.
Hey guys. Hows the workload on all of Dwights old accounts? Handling it okay?
Yes
Really?
Dont - dont do that. Thats not nice. What about you
Nice to have Oscar back.
Why would Dwight do that for you? I think I know why. Because Dwight loves this company.
Do you think that anyone else out there would have driven to corporate for you?
Pam
Um.
No. I dont want to do any of that.
No
Hey.
Whats up?
Um. It takes a big man to admit his mistake. And I am that big man. Angela from accounting told me what you did.
Yes
Hows this place treating you?
Oh
No. Im sure.
So
We can talk about that.   All right.
Ladies and gentlemen! May I present... Mr. Dwight Schrute!
Okay
Guilty.
Pam. I will shake mine and then you will shake yours.
So does this remind you of your childhood right now?
Wow. Thank you. Wow
And now
It takes a big man to admit his mistake and thats what I did. The important thing is I learned something. I dont want somebody sucking up to me because they think Im going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me. Hmm.
Hello son. If youre watching this
How
Yesterday I was scraping some gunk off my wall sockets with a metal fork and I gave myself the nastiest shock. And when I came to
Here are some things that I want to teach you that your mother wont be able to.
To jump start a car
Number eight
We will demonstrate on Pam.
Come on.
You just twist your hand until something breaks.
Well you get the picture. Thanks Pam.
And remember no matter what
Hes not going to be a murderer.
You know what
Okay. From the top. Ready? Three-
Hello everyone! As you know
Im sorry. I had a very different understanding as to what prima nocta meant.
Im trying to get everyone excited about Phyllis wedding because I want her to get people excited about my wedding when the time comes. Which wont be hard
Whats up spinsters?
No problem. The guys are having a little shindig of their own in the warehouse. From 2:30 to 3:15. It is the only time that Bob was available. Sort of a guys night out. A G-N-O if you will. A Gah-No. Actually
Yes. Yes! Oh! There-oh!
Oh God-
No
I cant believe youre not going to be there. Its going to be good
You should get out of them.
Its the only time he can do it. 2:30 to 3:15. Its going to be great. Were going to be doing some darts
I did not order a stripper.
Um
I cant get a stripper here. Sexual Harassment.
So thats what that means.
Okay everybody
Gay.
Okay. Co-ed naked strippers in this office. For realsies.
Okay. We are off. Ryan and I are going to go get some supplies and I need you to handle hiring the strippers.
Well get on it. And make it happen.

Gotcha
Im in the
Squarepants?
And you think thatd be sexy?
Oh.
Oh. Hello!
You wearing a thong?
Hello ladies. Who here is a history buff? Whos a fan of buff naked? Without further ado
Half pants
Hes in his knickers. Mr. Franklin
Yes
And when they came over on the Mayflower. Bow chicka bow.
Yeah
Look at that. Nothing like grilling in the great outdoors.
No. Yes.
But I got all the foot off of it.
Guys
Well then my man meat
I call shuffle. Here we go.
Ah
Nice outfit.
Hes right there. There he is.
Okay. Alright
Alright.
Okay.
Here we go. Alright!
Not bad! Not bad! You smell nice. Like Tide.
You smell like Tide detergent. Do you use Tide detergent? Ha ha ha! I have a girlfriend so...
Yeah she probably
On one hand I want to be honest with Jan and tell her the truth but on the other hand Im afraid shes going to dump me.
Really.
Well
Stripper? Could I ask you a question about women? Um
Wow. Thank you.
Not really
I went to a bachelor party and things got a little out of hand.
No
Yes. I kind of arranged it.
So you dont want to end our relationship?
That is so sweet. You are the best GD girlfriend in the world. Do you know that?
You are. You are.
So you know who turned out to be kind of a creep? Ben Franklin. And Elizabeth the stripper gave me great advice. Which rhymed. Really makes you wonder how Ben Franklin can become president
Always the bridesmaids
Phyllis is getting married. And I am in the wedding party. She has asked me to push her fathers wheelchair down the aisle. So
There she is. I swear Phyllis you are as beautiful as the first day you started work at Dunder Mifflin.
How you doin? You excited.
Me
Youre probably worried about pleasing Bob. A lot of pressure. Phyllis
Okay... umm... Im sure that Bob... Wow. That is... that is pungent. I lost my train of thought. Aaah... Are you set on that hairstyle?
Here
Just cover up that bald patch.
Okay.
You might be surprised to learn that Ive only been to one other wedding. Its actually a very cute story. My Mom was marrying Jeff. And they asked me to be ring bearer. I was understandably emotional and somehow my pants became wet.
I hate you!
Long story short: Jeffs dog ended up as ring bearer. And the irony is that after the ceremony that dog peed on everything and nobody said boo.
This strappy young lad sitting here is Phyllis father
Thats ok.
This is bull****!
Me walking Phyllis down the aisle was supposed to be the highlight of the wedding. And now... the wedding has no highlight.
I cant believe I pushed that... that guys lazy ass around all day... until he was ready to stand up and steal the show. Thats... well... I got news for you
Ladies and Gentlemen
Oh
Ladies and Gentleman
Congratulations
Agreed. No fingers will be laid on Phyllis.   Oh
Phyllis! Are you happy with everything? What can I do to make it more perfecter?
Im already on it. The chicken? Totally undercooked. I sent it back.
I will take care of that.
I do. I know a fair amount about fine food... and drink. This is a white.
Thank you
The most important part of a speech is the opening line. When time is not a factor
Phyllis and Bob: their celebrity couple name would be Phlob. You look at her... and shes kind of matronly today
is a guy that...
he works... Okay hold
No. Im not going to...
Ok. All right.
Oh. Yeah. Youre out of here! Youre... Yeah. I hate you!
Come... Come on!
Dwight
Look
OK.
ee... I was meant for you... buppity du bom bu.
I just want Phyllis to have a great day.
We are great together. We are a great team.
Yes. Yes. They were. Robert Parrish! I should talk to her. I dont want this to ruin her honeymoon.
Dude
Phyllis. Phyllis! Wait! Please. Im sorry. I just... I just wanted to make this a day to remember.
Yeah. Yeah. Hes kind of a weirdo.
Youre... Youre welcome.
They say that your wedding day goes by in such a flash that your lucky if you even get a piece of your own cake. I say thats crazy. I say let them eat cake. Margaret Thatcher said that about marriage. Smart broad.
Be careful. Oh no!!   Oh wow! Phyllis! Phyllis! You look like a clown! Here. Get me! Get me!
Oh hey
Huh?
Pop quiz.
Why is today a special day?
Todays a special day
In business school
A boss is like a teacher. And I am like the cool teacher. Like Mr. Handell. Mr. Handell would hang out with us
Here we go. College Roadshow. Gotta bring our... A game. What was the most inspiring thing Ive ever said to you?
Will they throw their hats
A lot of times
Yeah
I understand! Wow. Relax
We have fun.
Campus. Brings back so many memories. ... That I would have made. Hey. Frisbee. Check that out. Aww! What do you say we get our Fris on before class?  runs over
Okay
I cant hear what hes saying
Hello everyone
So
Okay
...And products!
Well... okay
We cant overestimate the value of computers. Yes
...I say you will miss our service
...We dont want them back
Nice try
Thanks
...Wait
Yeah sure
David will always beat Goliath.
Yeah
Dunder-Mifflin is the big picture! Cant you understand that? No
Business is always personal. Its the most personal thing in the world. When we get back to the office
You heard me
Fire you? No
A good manager doesnt fire people. He hires people and inspires people. ... People
Pam-casso! Sorry Im late
Wow! You did these... freehand?
My God
I dont see a... price.
Well
That is our building... and we sell paper. ... I am really proud of you.
What?
...Chunky. Do you want half?
Okay.
It is... a message. It is an inspiration
Can you confirm that the straps are tight?
And now
A lot of people think that magic camp is just for kids. And thats why so many other people in my class were kids. Self fulfilling prophecy. Its um
MAGIC MAGIC Magic Magic magic magic... And now
No. No. Everyone
I will get out. Oh yes
No. Alright
AHHHH!
Yes.
I cannot tell you how I plan to escape. Other than by using magic. That is the magicians code. Separately
Alright.
Ready? Come on guys. Early worm gets the worm.
Pam
Michael
Jimbo
Sure? Might be a good idea.
Go in together
Play some games?
I spy?
Oh
Hey
I am on my way. I should be there in about 15...
Thats what she said.
Uh
No problem.
Ok.
Ok. Jan. Jan? This party is actually a really big step for us. So
Ummm... I dont know.
Maybe.
Ok.
Alright. Bye.
Beauty. Thank you sir!
Thank you.
Shut up. Ok
I dont care. Oh
Yes.
Ok.
Hi.
Actually
Oh
No
Oh
Its been sitting in my car all day. Sun beating down on the mayonnaise. Just
What are you looking for? You bring dip?
Awesome. Im going to frame mine. I could frame yours too.
Over our love.
You dont have to
Its a heart.
I love this woman!
Rachel. Boy
Jan and I are lovers. It feels so good to finally say that out loud.
Ok.
It did. Like butter. Mike Myers
Yeah
I could go for an appeteaser.
Bagel bites or something.
Dwight
David
Here is to Mr. Iacocca and his failed experiment
Yeah. Do you have any ice?
How about some Splenda?
This one really smells like vanilla. Check that out.
You and the misses should join us at Sandals Jamaica next Christmas.
Oh yeah
Crazy.
Ok. Excuse me. Whats going on? What is it?
What are you doing?
Yes
What has gotten into you?
No
Come on
Dont take that dress. Stop it
No
Im not going to slam you up against the wall.
Youre acting inappropriate. Jan.
Rachel thinks that I brought homemade potato salad and I just picked it up at the supermarket. Its funny. I wish I could make potato salad that good. Its just potatoes and mayonnaise. There is something wrong with Jan.
Our first fight. If this is about what happened in the bathroom
You didnt have any of the potato salad did you?
Well
Im not going to cry. I feel like it but I am not going to. Why dont you just take your stupid love contract and tear it up into a million little pieces.
I want the house
Whatever.
Thats all
I love you
No need for consternation
It was a crime of passion
No...
No
Yeppers.
I dont... remember.
Yeesh...
Ok I want you to be Darryl and ask me for a raise
Wikipedia.
Wikipedia... is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject
Ok
Hmm
What Im saying is that
Ok
By leaning back
Ok
Walking out of the room unexpectedly.
Its a surprise.
Go ahead

What?
No
Oh it... sounded interesting... what you were gonna...
Yeah.
Yes
You know what? Actually
No
Tactic number six. Change the location of the meeting at the last second. Totally throws em off.
Number 14
I am declining to speak first.
Hmm. Ohh
What?
No
I do not buy womans clothes. I would not make that mistake again.
Ohh... kay.
All right.
Alright
No
There were these huge bins of clothes
Uh
Okay.
Would you stop it
Its European
No
Italians dont wear pockets.
No
Um
Negotiations are all about controlling things. About being in the drivers seat. And make one tiny mistake
Lets get down to business. Why dont you tell me why you think you deserve a raise.

That was a very good point.
You make a very compelling argument.
I am going to give you a piece of paper. I want you to write down how much you want
Because
Oh.   Come on. Be serious.
I... I cant give you that
I dont. Want me to prove it to you? There is... a pay stub.
Plus perks
Fourteen years.
No
Ok
A bosss salary isnt just about money
Oh
I didnt give you $40.
Okay. Okay
I talked to corporate
Well what am I supposed to do?
Im not gonna go out and ask for a raise right now. That is ridiculous.
Thats true.
You know what? I should.
I have been a loyal employee for a long time.
You know what? I deserve a bump.
I am makin it happen
No
Yshhyah. Um
Yes
Mm-hm.
Hey
No
Fine.
Toby
Where? Im gonna smack you in the head with a hammer. Come on
Yeah. Fine.
Dont ever touch a black mans radio! ...Chris Tucker. Rush Hour. I wont touch yours
Well...
Mm
Maybe Ill stay.
Well...
Oh
Pippity poppity
All right.
Whos the boy toy?
Were you going to tell me that you hired James Van Der Beek?
Be nice to get a memo
Pippity poppity.
Six percent? After all weve been through?
I got you... jade earrings.
No!
No. You gonna play it like this? You give me a good raise
Why dont you just take that pen and stab me in the heart. This is me
Okay
Ohh. It was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed. And then Darryl made me feel bad for not making any money. And then I had to ride up here with stupid Toby. And then
Well thats ridiculous Im not gonna make---
Ah
But you just said 15.
Negotiation is an art. Back and forth. Give and take. And today
Today is Safety Training Day. Toby is leading ours upstairs. Yeauck. But
Hmm.
I can
Guys
I thought your name was Pudge?
Okay. Um
Ah
Yeeesh.
Hey Darryl
Bailer? I hardly know her.
Yes
Its a big red trash compactor!
Okay
...would I go near---
Toby now has the floor... and he is going to try not to screw this up
Yes
Wow
Ok
Ok
Ok guys
Yes. Okay
Yes. Which can contribute to heart disease. Heart disease kills more people that balers.
Mmmm
No.
Darryl
Okay. ... What
Darryl thinks he is such a man because he works in a warehouse. I worked in a warehouse. Mens Warehouse. I was a greeter. Id like to see Darryl greet people. Probably make em feel like wimps. Not me
Pam
Working in an office can lead to depression. Which can lead to suicide. I mean this is really serious stuff.
I--- I--- Nobody commits suicide because they work with a baler
Yeah... you are... ah
Indubitably.
They use props. They use visual aids
I dont know
Nn--- Depression.
Yes.
You may be asking yourself
Maybe we should test it first. Letterman-style. Throw a TV over
Go buy some watermelons.
Just...
Lets do it! Drop that sucker.
BINGO! WHOA WHOA WHOA! Oh... crap. Deactivate the car alarm. Clean up the mess.
Find out whose car that is. If its Stanleys
Also
Have Pa--adge do it
Yes
I dont know if I wanna do this.
No. No more. The tests are going terrible. If we keep doing it
Rock n roll!
Thats right! I am not thinking.
Yes! Yeah!
Woo!
Woo!
I am ready to do this! I am ready to make a point!
My life! Oh
Everythings wrong. The stress of my modern office
Dwight
Yes! My head is in such pain! And turmoil!
Wait
Okay... thats...
Thats the whole point
Okay.
Oooooh
Everything is wrong
Dwight
And that is why
Damn it.
What is it?
Dwight
Dwight
You told me
What do I have to live for?
Its complicated with Jan. And I dont know where I stand
Do you really mean that?
Im braver than you?
I Braveheart. I am.
Okay. Pam
An office... is as safe as the people in it. And sometimes those people can drive you to do crazy things to show the dangers of the office. Thats the danger I found myself in today. I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? I really cant say. But
It is disgusting. I totally agree. Well
We have a crisis. Apparently
Everybody in here. STAT. No time to lose. Cri-Man-Squa. F and C
Crisis Management Squad.
Front and Center. Twice as fast as you would normally go. Any other questions?
To save time
You know what? Bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh! Forget it. Where is Creed?
Creed. Quality assurance. Your job. I really think you screwed the pooch on one
We have a lot of angry customers out there. This puts us at threat level midnight. Accounting
Midnight
Jim
No
I want you to bring a partner.
No
No
No
Heres the thing. When a company screws up
I have invited Barbara Allen
Here is your headline. Scranton Area Paper Company
OK
Mrs. Allen is our most important client... because every client is our most important client. Even though shes a pretty unimportant client
And so
So
I know
Well
We... are going to do everything humanly possible
The watermark... its a one time thing.
OK...
What... can I do
Well...   OK
The guys at the papermill--- No no no!
Im the head of the company?!
No
No--- my--- OK
Thats insane. Well give this to somebody who will appreciate it.
Doesnt matter. Out please!
Yeah
We gotta do something.   This is spinning out of control
No
Youre right. It will blow over. But its not... going to take... a week or two.   Do you know what this is for?
OK
Hello. I am Michael Scott
Thats how devoted I am to this job.
I know.
I understand that
Do you think youre taking it a little... literally
So Ill know where---
Im asking Pam to do it
OK
Five
Thats... they always give an ultimatum.
Good
Thought so too.
Whats happening?
Really? Is she OK?
OK.   Phyllis
Um... I mean did he even see Pam? Or
Im sorry. Its pretty funny when you think about it.
Oh
What? Oh.
Oh
Oh
Incidentally
Uh-huh. Prove it. Lets see your pen1s.    I... you know
In all the excitement
Huh?
I dont know. I feel... I drive a lot. Im spending a fortune on gas and tolls -
Um
I... uh
I am sick over this thing. Those people out there are clearly afraid. And that cant happen. Not in my house.
OK.
This is the last thing that Phyllis needs to see right now
Dwight
Attention
OK
See? Thats what were talking about. Did you hear that
No
Oh
That is not current.
You know what? I am the expert. I will conduct it. I know the crap out of women.
I
Nobody likes to be flashed. When Meredith flashed me at that Christmas party
OK
What are...? Shut it. Shut. Up. OK
Yes. Thank you. That was not necessary
No. Im being misogynistic. That is insane. I am not being sexist.
Yes.
Because wha... that was one possible explanation as to why you got that haircut.
I have to know whether youre serious or not.
Ye - OK
Youre right. Youre right
OK
I dont think shes gonna make it. Dont think shes gonna make it -
Many women are competent drivers.   OK. Come on.
All right. Hope nobodys on a diet.
Youre welcome. Youre welcome
Anything you guys want. This is your time.  everyone is silent or continues to eat
What
Yeah? Well
I just... I feel uncomfortable wearing the dress.
Jan says anything that doesnt scare us is not worth doing. I dont know. Maybe were different people. I like cuddling and spooning and she likes videotaping us during s*x.
And then watching it back right afterward to improve my form.
No
No
No... No
OK. Jan is smart. Uh
Cons. Wears too much makeup. Breasts : not anything to write home about. Insecure about body. Im unhappy when Im with her. Flat-chested.
Shes totally flat. Shrunken chesticles.
Im unhappy when Im with her.
Im happy sometimes. Um... when we scrapbook or right towards the end of having s*x.
Yeah
That sounds good too. I dont know whos right. I just dont - I dont know. I dont know.
I wanna break up with Jan. Wow. I wanna break up with Jan.
Wow
Oh
Lets face it
Mm. You dont want anything? My treat. Some panties or... pick a thong or... G-string. T-back. Get a nice bra. Padded bra. See-through
Oh. Oh
OK
Uh
Yeah
Do you have a... a crescent? A crescent Allan?
Uh... you know what? Im going to... you take care of that. Im gonna do traffic... detail.
OK
You know what? I need my girls with me. Pam
I love you guys. Now Im getting her voicemail.
Hey
Thank you.
Abso-fruit-ly.
No... No...
Yeah.
Maybe some Italian.   ... to remain friends. Or at least business associates -   Chinese?   who get along. Oh
Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable. Theres a wishing fountain at the mall. And I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. I wished for Jan to get over me. I wished for Phyllis
Ughh... Blech.
Just... all over. I dont want to do anything... Im dying...
Right there.
Maybe.
Not it. I dont have eggs.
Thats possible.
Uh-huh?
The CFO? Ohh...
OK
To what do I owe this great honor
And Gromit.   Jan? Is Jan there?
Oh
...you just gots to get your freak on.
Yeah.
Hmmm.
Really?
Wow. I wish I had prepared something to say.
May God guide you in your quest.
OK
Oscar
Well
Oh
Yeah
I want today to be a beautiful memory... that the staff and I share after I have passed on to New York. And if Toby is a part of it... then itll suck.
Hey Pam
We are. We are. But
What happens to a company if somebody takes their boss away? I will answer your question with a question. Its like what happens to a chicken when you take its head away. It dies. Unless you find a new head. I need to see which one of these people have the skills to be a chicken head.
I want you to write down everything that people are doing all day. And then type it up
This way to the partay bus.
Everybody
If you dont like it
Or the front of the bus. Or drive the bus. Just
Okay
Well
Like everything I said and everything they did and... Just dont...
Well write it down before you forget it. Thats... Youve just been drawing pictures.   Rrrr. I cant stay mad at you.
Here we are ladies and gentlemen. Everybody ready? Last one down is a rotten egg.   Watch out for snakes!
Alright
Just words. Inspiring words.   Not a contender.   For the competitions
Choose your tribes. Except for Pam. Not Pam.
Jim Halpert. Pros: smart
Im not playing.
Dwight is an obvious candidate for my job. He has the best sales record in the office. He loves the work. He is
We are going to choose team names. Dwight?
Hey
Then I will name your team the Red team.
I am also considering Stanley because of all the good that black people have done. For America.
Very good. Pam
Andy Bernard. Pros: Hes classy. He gets me. He went to Cornell. I trust him. Cons: I dont really trust him.
It is time for the great spoon and egg race. This one is with a little twist.
Shh... The person carrying the egg will be blindfolded. Please put on your blindfolds. That person carrying the egg will go down
Pam...youre missing things.
Okay Pam
Smart as a whip! Yes!   These are pre-cooked
Like umm...  ten minutes?
Thanks a bunch.
A good manager has got to be hungry. Hungry for success.
OK
No
Guys
No mustard
Come on
I cant say.
The winner gets a regional managers salary for a year
The winner of today gets my job. Ok? Im interviewing for a job at corporate. And theyre only interviewing a handful of people and Im the most qualified and Ill probably get it. Alright?
I didnt want to tell anyway. I didnt want to cast a pall over our fun beach day. But you know what? I dont know who to recommend because frankly nobody is stepping up.
Word.   There we go. Lets see it.
Four. Three. Two. One. Stop your eating! And the winner is Andy Bernard
13 hot dogs
Its very simple. There are only three rules. You must not touch the ground. You must not step outside of the ring. And you must always wear the safety mittens.
Probably left them in the trunk of my car. Its alright. Its alright. Here we go.
Aaaaaand
Nice
One. Two. Three.
Excellent!
I knew that finding a successor would be difficult. I did not know that it would be impossible. Thus far the candidates have been wildly disappointing. Uh
Check to see if there is a conversion chart in that notebook.
Please just check.
What does a great manager need most of all? Courage.
Your loss
Who among you has the guts to replace me? Let him walk across these coals.
No. No
Pointless.
Blah
Ji.. why not? Cmon.
You do not have what it takes to be a regional manager.
Whos next? Andy? Wheres Andy? Andy is never here today.
Because I already did. Remember? I burned my foot on a George Foreman grill.
Alright. Okay. Alright. Fine. kay.  clears throat
Yes. Count to three
Count the other way. Count... no
Wait! Am I going on go? Or am I going on three?
Okay.
Dont
Im not going to give it to you.
Being the boss is also about image. Ive never looked like that. That was gross. I just
Yeah. Ummm
God! Hes a comedian.
Whos Amanda Bynes?
Oh
You are being too modest.
Hhhh... okay. That is not funny. I am deducting sixty points from Voldemort for false pretenses. Okay
That is a very
Pam
WWWWIIIILLLLMMMMAAAA!
David!
Are we all set?
Yes. I just happened to be in the neighborhood
Thought Id catch a show.
Naaah. You know what? Since Im here
Um
Ah
Great. One more... question. When you merged those branches who did you put in charge?
Ah
Okay.
And Im really looking forward to working with you.
I got it made in the shade. I know this company. The other branch managers are total morons.   Hey
Yeah.
Yes
Okay. Uh...
Uh
Stop crying.
Ohhhhh...
Why so you can do it?
No
Moon each other.
All right.
Your loss.
Cruise control.
There they are
No. Not at all. I havent talked to Jan since we broke up
No
Yes
I have to buy another place.
I sold it on eBay. The buyer was very motivated
Who is D. Abramson?
Why... are you here?
Im good. How are you
Why privately?
Okay
Okay.
Pam
Uh
No. Shes an alternate.
So
Good.
Yeah.
Weird. Yeah
Hmm.
Sound good. Sounds fun.
Hmm..
Would you excuse me for a second?
Defcon twenty. She wants to get back together.
I dont know
No
What if she makes me?
She made me do a lot of things I didnt wanna do.
I wasnt.
Youre right. Youre absolutely right. Im gonna go in there and tell her that we cant be together.
Wow.
Im in a very good place right now. Thank you.
Okay.   Jan
Jan is in a different place right now
Yeah.
First got priorities.
Lets get back together.
No. No
Remarkable.
Wait
Very good
Yes
So
Your advice was good
Heres the sitch. Two weeks ago
Hey
How are you guys doing? Need anything?
I have been here a bunch of times
That is Beardy.
Mm-hmm.
No
I am by far the most qualified person theyre interviewing. Jim and Karen are here
Hey! Hunter! Whas up my brutha? This is Hunter
Jan in yet?
Could you give her a message for me
Just say
Oh
Hello
Good to see you. Here are the post-merger performance stats that you asked for.
Why dont I tell you what my greatest weaknesses are? I work too hard. I care too much. And sometimes I can be too invested in my job.
Well
Thank you.
Ive never been a big fan of the name Dunder Mifflin. I was thinking we could name the company something like
Okay.
Thank you.
It is always a treat when our paths cross. So
Yes. And I am very excited about the prospect of working under her... or on top of her.   Mm
I dont understand. So
Hey.
Pretty good.
Could have gone better I guess.
Cool. Maybe you should do it sooner rather than later.
Daaah
I cant tell you.
Wuuuoooh
Hey! Youre unstable!
No--- Were all unstable.
David
So
Good
You know what? That... is actually good... because
Good. Very good. Im glad we are finally on the same page. Still have my job in Scranton
Good. Thats all I ever wanted. These two.   Either one of them... excellent candidates.
I know. I know
Well
I dont know.   Well I guess... you could come and stay at my condo. I think I could back out of the sale.   Probably get some negative feedback on my eBay profile.
in the office
No. No
Everybody
Thats stupid.
You shouldnt have taken it. Bad management! Good thing Im baaaaaack.   Ryan
No
So Im back. And I am never
Back to work.   Still waitin on that coffee.
Ok
This is going to be a very good year. Very good. Jan is at home. Jim is back. My protege Ryan is at corporate. Good stuff. Um... Andy and Dwight are rockin the sales team. I feel very blessed.  slams on breaks
Ladies and Gentlemen. I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car.
It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital
Yes. She has a slight pelvical fracture
Yeah.
Gah. Kind of a good news bad news there. I was able to be on the scene so quickly because I was in the car that hit her.
Yeah
It was an accident.
No.
My lord my liege.
So Ryan got promoted to corporate
So I need a little treat for the gang. Something to win their affections back.
Well
No
Yes. It was on company property
Oh
Ok
No.
No! That is not funny
So
Pam.
Pam.
Ok
Excellent!
Good work Pam.
Yaaaaaay
Everyone inside the car was fine
Guess what
Eww. I hate hospitals. In my mind they are associated with sickness. Oh... She looks like an angel.
No... OK
No... Shes in a coma.
OK... Meredith
Yeah.
Brought you some balloons. Why dont we... here you go.   Tie these up
Nurse.
I am going to be sick... Im gonna puke.
Oh
Cause you know what they say in the Bible about forgiveness? Forgiveness is next to Godliness.
Well
Look
Come on.  starts to climb onto the bed with meredith.
Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But its not like a compulsive need to be liked. Like my need to be praised.
OK
Sprinkles?
Oh
Well
Did anyone do anything involving an Indian burial ground?
Like park on it. Or dig up a body... Toby? Anything you want to tell us?
Perfect. So our tragedy is your good luck. Satan.
Dwight
Well
Alright
Satan is a master of lies. Everything he says is the opposite.
Thank you for the permission. Psych! Alright lets just go around the room
OK.
Alright.
Kelly
Are you sure?
What are you?
OK
You spend your whole life trying to get people to like you
Maybe believing in God was the mistake. What did people believe in before? The sun? Maybe theres some sort of animal
Oh God
I was in the hospital room with her. How contagious is that
This place is so cursed.
I know a lot of you are upset with me for endangering Merediths life by hitting her
Turns out Meredith has been exposed to rabies. Which is like 10 times worse than a little crack in your pelvis. Thanks to me she went to the hospital and I saved her life. Curse is broken. Curse is broken people!   Oh... there is a God
Is there a God? If not
Pro-Am.
A woman shouldnt have to be hit by a car
Hi Stanley
Come on man
That... is for a good cause. Phyllis
Oh
Yes.
OK.
Alright
Shhh...
I know that youre probably scared of people seeing your fat legs in shorts.
OK
Well
We have raised
Hmm... Thats a tough decision. Um... I always imagined it with a giant check. So...
Yep.
You didnt contribute very much. I was also hoping to hand the giant check to a rabies doctor. And hows that been going?
What about a rabies nurse?
Thats possible. Look into that.
Have you met that kid? Hes not going to college.
Come in.
Hey
What are you doing?
No I didnt
May I enter the room?
See how I did that. Thats the way you should enter a room. You knock and then you wait for the all clear.
Yes
European offices are naked all the time.
Besides my shirt tail covered most of it so...
Thats not gross
Check that out.   Look at me
OK everybody
No
Hes happy because hes insane. You know what
Oh hey
Right? Wow
You got it?
OK
Just remember folks
Beow!
On your left!
I am fast! Im very fast! Im like Forrest Gump
No
Rabies victims... have to live with an irrational hatred of water their entire lives. So... least I could do.
That fettuccine is sitting in my stomach like a rock.
Excellent! ...Simpsons. Wait
Oh God
Take bat bites seriously. Dont get bit.
I am not going to finish. I cant beat rabies. Nobody can beat rabies
I cant finish. I feel so weak
What do you want me to do Jim?
No
Thats a good deal.
Pam
You just dont think I am capable
You dont
Finishing that 5k
Hey Mer. How ya doing?
Its ironic isnt it? I mean Im in the hospital for not getting enough water
Thanks
Im not really sick.   Nah
Hey Toby. Whats this?
I just want to remind everyone about the company rules involving PDA or public displays of affection.
Oh really.
Is this about me and Jan? In my office? Because I will have you know that that was consensual. What we did has nothing to do with you or anyone here. I dont think. I dont think anyone heard anything. We were very discreet and
No way.
Woooah! Wow!
Awesome!
You guys! Yes! Yes!
Oh kay
I love you guys
No
Hey. Can you make that straighter? Thats what she said.
No.  tries to hide piece of paper
Blowing up balloons I thought.
Pam and Jim are together. Ryan is visiting. Only thing that could make this day better is ice cream.
Hey!
There he is! There he is! Hes back! And hes with a beard.   He... He has facial hair. Look at him! All grown up and no place to go. Hello
Ohh
...business meeting --
Thats right! Thats right!
Fire guy. Dont start any fires
Look how big he is. Look at you
Beard.
Oh
Thats a little kinky. I dont swing that way.
Woooo!  I think Ryan has a gay crush on me.
Yes
Sounds good. OK
Yeah
OOhh. Gimmme
Ryan Howard everybody.   Good job.
Who is?
I am not old. You are old. You are like a hundred.
Yeah
Yeah
Good
We had a foreign exchange student live with us when I was young. And we called him my brother. And thats who I thought he was. Um
Hey.
Hey
I dont want to grow weird sperm in case we ever want to have kids.
Oh
Well...
What is that... word?
So older people have just as many rights as younger people?
Good
Have a seat.
Have a seat. Like everybody else.
Still my office
Hey
No
I was going to put up some new pictures
That is me. Come on in.   Who is this old fart? Did you just stagger off the street? Out of a box or something? Whos this worthless bag of bones? Well
Sure thing.   Scuse me.
Fine. Then I will call David Wallace and you can explain to him why you threw the founder of the company out on his ancient butt.
Bob
Eighty-seven years young. And still active. That is great. Did you know
Ah
Wow.
Oh
Great.
Great.
Thats great. Thank you for coming in.   Robert Dunder everybody.   Thank you. That was wonderful. Do you have a ride?
Perfect.
Inspirational. What have we learned? Well
No
Good night guys.
I disagree
I happen to think the old ways of doing business are better. And I can prove it.
Smell that. Do you smell that?
No
Yes
Ryan wants everything in our company to be about emails and IMs
Hey boss
I am glad that you asked
With peanut brittle
Ever since I was a kid people have been telling me I cant do things. You cant be on the team
OK. Were gonna split up into teams. Jim
Why dont we just go as teams to demonstrate our teamsmanship?
Yes?
OK
Gift baskets are amazing
Fine
No
Fine. Then God speed. To both of us.
We dont need luck.
But thank you
Business to business. The old fasioned way. No Blackberrys
It is in the body shop. Had to have the dent taken out of the hood where I hit Meredith.
I know. So whos next?
Who?
Wow
Yes we do.
Well...
Mmhmm.
OK
Well just
Alright.
That guy was so... how can they not know how much better we are?
That is true.
Yes
How do they know? How does this know where to turn? Thats very impressive.
And the last guy says No
Ah
Shes gonna be like eleven this winter? Wow
OK
Ah... .is that all you have to say?
Look
Well
No its not.
Why would he come back? I will tell you
Look... were also coming out with a website soon. Its a state of the art thing
Great
OK
I dont get it
That is a very good point
No
Maybe its a shortcut Dwight. It said go to the right.
The machine knows where it is going!
The machine knows--- stop yelling at me!
Let go
You sure youre OK?
Good
What a disaster
These people just dont realize what a gift basket means
What about that last guy
Hang up.   You know what were gonna do? Were walking back. Were walking back to that office and were gonna reclaim our gift basket!
Were gonna take whats rightfully ours! Were gonna take a stand
Give it back. The gift basket
Yeah
Look
Its been opened.
Whats missing... the turtles. Where are the turtles? Where are the turtles?
WHERE ARE THE TURTLES? WHERE ARE THEY?
May I have your attention please? This office will not be using any new technology ever
Ryan thinks that technology is the answer. Well guess what? I just drove my car into a lake.
I drove my car into a   lake. Why you may ask did I do this? Well
Exactly!
Maybe
Everyone always wants new things. Everybody likes new inventions
And the same thing goes for quarterly reports. They are unreadable. Theyre just numbers and boring and blech. So what I was thinking is that maybe we should have some sort of graphic
We have a lot of colored paper here... why oh why do we keep printing this on white?
Yeah! I know. I know. Its bland.
Maybe
Like
Alright. Alright. Lets quit while were ahead.
That was awesome. Thank you.
Some days I am just on fire. What can I say?
Oh
Mmmmmm. Okay. Attention. Earthlings. I have some news. Beep beep beep beep
And... today the Dunder-Mifflin Infinity website officially launches.
Well the website is the brain-child of my brain-child
The company is projecting record high sales
No. It doesnt. Ill find out tonight.
Whats that
Ohh
Okay
Okay.
Really?
Its the European cut.
Umm... hey. Ah
Oh good. Okay cool. How many pounds do you think I could lose by 7?
I had um
Why dont you wanna go tonight? What... all your friends are gonna be there. Itll be fun.
Just...
Yeah.
Thank you.
Na... no. No. If I go by myself everybody will think Im a big loser.
Do I have your permission to invite Carol?
Im sorry. Im sorry. Its just the first... girl that popped into my head. Ill find somebody I havent slept with.
So. This is the dealio. God has smiled upon me and given me two tickets to the big party in New York tonight. What are you doing this evening? Look at that. They have their own little language now. Like twins.
Alright. Well fight it out amongst yourselves. I was thinking Pammy but boys night out is also good.
Just let me know who the winner is.
Alright. Im ready to go and Im callin shotgun.
Yes. Thank you.
Oh yeah
If you are not this tall
You ever read this?
Got it for Ryan. Wanted to get him Oh The Places Youll Go
Same sort of stuff in here.
Mmwa. Mmwa.
Leaving Pennsylvania.
One for me one for Jan.
You guys should come over for dinner. You and Pam. Thatd be fun. Friday?
Wanna come over Friday?
After work you guys...
Yes. Actually I will tell you right now. Its a club called Chatroom
What are you doing?
No.
No
Yes.
Well the invitation says VIPs only. Is this how you treat your VIPs
You know what this is like? Ill tell you what this is like. This is like when the Freshmen would throw a party and wouldnt let any of the Seniors go.
Doesnt it just piss you off sometimes that that little twerp got the promotion over us?
Yeah. I withdrew too.
Alright who wants to party?
Ohhh
I think I faked Stanley out too. Who else thought that I was leaving? And they could all go home early? Gotcha. Gotcha. Gotcha. Well who needs New York? Right? We can have a killer party right here in Scranton.
Nope nope nope no. This is going to be nothing like the party youve been planning. This is going to be good and everybodys gonna come. Whats wrong with Dwight?
Oh hey! Good for you. Good for you. Scranton power. Alright you know what? Angela Id like you to come into my office in ten minutes. Bring something to write with and something to write on. Good.
This was a pretty disappointing day. It was kind of a slap in the face to realize that I wasnt as important as I thought I was to a certain young executive who I cared about. But
How we doing on time?
Good. These are some things that I would like to have happen.
Mmmhmm.
Those are just things. This is how I want it to feel.
I would like this party to be sexier
Yes
Uh...
I want it...
I want it to embarrass all other parties. I want it to be a party that the guys in New York watch on the web-cam and say
Yes you can.
Yes you can. I know you can. I wouldnt say that if I didnt hundred percent believe it. Who else could do this?
No seriously. Is there anyone else who could do it better? Because we dont have a lot of time. Ill get the pizza!
Good news.
Guess who just ordered from your favorite pizza place
Same thing.
You know what? I dont understand when you all talk at the same time.
Pizza by Alfredo.
Okay
sighs
Yup.
You dont have to say it like that.
Hey
Right
Yeah
You didnt actually think I was going to spend sixty bucks on pizza?
Okay
What do you mean hmm-um?
It is your problem. Thats no way to do business
Im not giving that to you.
No
You know what? This young man needs to learn thats not how you treat people. I dont care if its pizza. Good business is about respect and accountability and follow through. You dont just make promises and pull the rug out from under somebody
Yes you are
No
You ready to give me my discount now?
Okay
Alright
No! Im an adult
Yeah sales
Alright stop
Stop talking all at once!
Let go of the little jerk boy before he has learned his lesson?
You know what Jim
Im not kidnapping him
I think youre over-thinking it.
Yes
Trouble. Okay
He said no.
No
Mister Overdramatic
Ill just wave and introduce myself.
Hey
Hey
Whoa
Hey
I could have paid for the pizza.
Oh my God
This is Michael.
Youre breaking up. I cant hear you.
Mmm-kay. I want you to go in there
I will open the door.
And hopefully he will walk out
Yes.
See ya
Okay.
Now we wait
Not now Dwight
What a horrible day.
Bluh.
Well
Im going to get it.
Uh-uh
New York. Wanna go?
Alright
Here we go.
Mmm.
Hey
Guilty.
Oh
Yeah.
Im Ryan
I never sold any paper
I made it with my cheese pita.
I started a fire
And Im hot
Well
Wanna head back?
Coat!
Steak! Wheres my steeaaak?
Get me Armani.
On the phone.
Wheres Armani? Hes on the phone. Too slow. You are not going to Paris. Im so much better than you are.
I owe you an apology.
Yeah. It was awesome. Big surprise ending. Wont ruin it for you.
Meryl Streep is the bad guy. Never see it coming. Anyways
I havent heard the same about you. So lets just go with mine.
We already have a sofa. So why do---
It... folds up. Youve only seen it flat.
I--- Ok. How much is this going to cost?
Yes. Money has been a little tight lately. But
Its just that you say its gonna cost what it costs---
Put him through. Yes. Ryan
Yes
Okay
Wait
Oh! Um
Use to have two cars
You can not
What?
Oh no
How about this weekend?
Dammit to hell. I-I-ugh
You wouldnt understand. Its a secret.
Im sorry Mr. OBrian
I just love sales. I love it to death. Its as simple as that. And I dont get to do it enough as a manager
Hey
No
These meetings are useless.
Very inspirational.
Or a trained seal.
Yes
Im just calling because you responded positively to the---
...Stanley?
Senor
Have you--- Have you considered satellite television?
Well your son sounds like hes really motivated. I think its crazy the coach wont play him frankly.
You bet.
Look
It is not a waste of our time.
Vikram doesnt have my people skills.
Well
What did you get tonight?
Oh
I am going with the vanilla crisp this evening.
Thank you.
Really?
Wonder what I wouldve been back home?
I know
I wouldve been chief of surgery... Or a cowboy.
You know what
I actually wrote a movie.
Im writing one
Um
Thanks
Okay
Okay. Hows yoga?
Wh-Why not?
Okay.
Good night Vikram.
Hey
Im gonna have it one of these nights.
Good night.
Um... that wasnt much of an introduction.
Ahh
Yes I forgot about Ryans presentation. And yes
And the best way to start is to hit start. And up comes the toolbar
Why?
No
My other boss
What I do between 5:30 pm and 1 am is no ones business but mine and my other business.
It wont.
Okay
Why dont you do the presentation
Huh
Its whoever
No
Not a native speaker.
Well it sounds right
Thank you.
No one
Ive never done this before. Ive never quit anything in my life. So
Nick
And the other I was a Regional Manager of a small paper supply company called Dunder Mifflin.
In this dream I did both of these jobs beautifully
I am.
I was never in this for the money. But it turns out that the money was an absolute necessity for me. I tried to live the dream. I tried to have a job
Hey Kevin
Yeah
Do you know anybody in the mob?
Okay
Hey guys.
Whatcha talking about?   Okay
Hey
Monkey problem? No
Oh
I dont have a second job. Maybe Im having an affair with Suzanne Summers.
I dont talk to my girlfriend about money. It is rude
I totally agree with you. But I dont have money problems
Yeah
No you didnt.
How would that help Creed? In Monopoly when you go bankrupt
That is a good point.
Like the witness protection program.
Ive always wanted to be in the witness protection program. Fresh start
I... DECLARE... BANKRUPTCY!
I didnt say it
Yeah
You know
Oh
That is by far the best way to strengthen your core. This machine
Mm-hm. That is so cool how you have my name at the top.
Right.
How do they do this so fast? Is this power-point?
No
We will find another way
Youre a presentation tool if you think Im gonna tell Jan about this.
No youre not! Ok
She poses.
Um
What am I doing? I am blowing dodge. Im getting out of town. Whatever you call it
Runaway train
Hey Jan.
Not much
Im out of answers Jan.
I told you
I dont know that.
Ill stay off the grid.
Yeah it is
Thats really nice of you to say.
I think the engineer left.
Dont sell your implants please.
Thats nice though.
It looks cute though.
Yeah! Everything! Oh its all good
Dancing babies! I love it! I love it!
We are making a commercial for Dunder Mifflin today. Our first ad ever. Corporate purchased some air time in local markets to spread the word about Dunder Mifflin Infinity and they are even sending up a professional ad company to help us make it later so... its uh
Okay
Look at that. Even the receptionist is getting in on the creativity. Very good
Hello hello!
Michael Scott.
Regional manager.
Excited to talk ideas.
You know
All right
I would like you to meet Andrew Bernard. The Nard Dog. Who let the Nard Dog out?
He gives the best back rubs in the office.
Now this gentleman right here is the key to our urban vibe.
Stanley is hilarious. Phyllis is like our Mrs. Butterworth. Kind of a less urban Aunt Jemima.
These are our accountants. And as you can see they are very different sizes. What you might want to do is kind of a Papa Bear
Who else?
Little girl in a field holding a flower
Actually I dont get paid by the hour anymore
Yeah
Mmm. Okay.  commercial plays on laptop
Thats what Nassau came up with? That sucks!   Whoa.
Well we can do better than that.
The waving?
on speakerphone
Okay
Yeah
Im creative
Well actually I cant cook
Yeah!
Are you? I dont think youre doing such a good job here
All right
Hey guys
How about never hundred hours
Hey thanks. Thank you.
Yeah
Whats up my brotha? Listen
Im willing to stake my entire reputation on it.
Okay.   And thus
Has anyone ever come up to you and said
Well theyre wrong. You are creative. You are damn creative. Each and every one of you. You are so much more creative than all of the other dry
We have three scenes to film
Okay
Line it up Phyllis.
Time out
Okay
Stop. Stop stop stop stop stop stop. This is not me. This is not my music.
No
Okay
No. I said I hate the
Okay
Andy
Thata girl.
Did you
Ugh
Im about to send the ad to corporate... and it is sent. Theyll probably watch it right away. I know I would. Okay.
Pam
They could call at any second now.   Oh God...I better call.
Well
No
That was fun. Next round of drinks is on me
This is perfect.
This is a dummy
But
Well
Just go out
What?
Hey everyone
No
Okay
That could not possibly be it.
You cannot take the hilarious black guy from the office. Stanley is part of what makes this branch so extraordinary. The bluesy wisdom
How can I get you to stay?
Yeah we all want money. But there is none in the budget
Mo money mo problems
Pssh
Fillipellers
To the left?
To the right?
Okay
Yes
No
You can train him. Hes very very smart
Okay
Hi Ben
Im going to cut right to the chase here. Do you like magic? Because Im a genie in a bottle
Get out.   Uh
No
What is that guy talking about? Scranton is not lame. Scranton is the cool
Jim
What are we going to do? We are going to make a monster sale
Yes they did
Thats the problem
What? What? We did?
Look at his face! Look at his face!
What are we doing
We are going on a panty raid to Utica
Uh-huh.
Yes you are. Oh
We are going to make Karen wish that she had never been dumped by you.
In your face
Are you calling Karen?
Yep
It had to be done
Hey Dwight
Alright
Do you really wanna know?
Follow me
No
Uh
It could be badass. Yeah
Teach her to offer Stanley more money.
So
I cant imagine the s*x being bad
...awesome.
Okay
Im trying to think of what we could sell.
Ah
What is that? Dwight
Come on man
Ill kill you man!
That is just so disgusting!
Afro wig
Yeah
You and I are going to sneak inside and pretend that we are warehouse workers. And then we will silly string the beejeezus out of the place.
We are in a stairwell.
Theres a guy
Oh my God
We found something far better
Its enormous
Aha!
Were wedged between the copier and the railing. Ah! Ow! Ow
Save yourself!
Dwight
Dwight
Take her to a motel
Just say you wanna get back together.
It doesnt have to mean anything. Just
Dwight. Granted
We tried and we failed. Stanley
Um
Of course.
Really?
Morning.
Hey
Hypothetically
So if I were to hypothetically ask you to go camping with me
Really?
Oh
How often can you actually donate blood?
Your body only has a certain amount.
Yeah
A bunch of guys
Hello
In the wilderness. Its not with a group of guys frolicking around in tents. Its one guy
I wanna do it myself. You know
Im sick of it Jim. Im sick of this place.
When Jan and I had satellite
OK
OK. Thirty minutes or less
Hey
Dwight and I are going out. He will return later
No.
Dwight will be driving me deep into the Pennsylvania wilderness.
Where he will then leave me to either die or to survive. The choice is yours.
Yes
This is a very personal
When I return
This is what a true survivor man does. You simulate a disaster
Well
Well...
You...
You... you are as creepy as a real serial killer. For real.   OK.
I am putting this on so I have no familiarity with my surroundings. Now this way
No! Gosh! Dwight.   Stop it
Just
Look at those wrinkles. Blacks do crack! Not crack the drug.
flashback to Kellys birthday
flashback to Oscars birthday
flashback to Phyllis birthday
Dwight will take my blindfold off when we are deep in the forest. Just the two of us from this point out.
What are you doing? Stop. Dwight
Stop.
Alright
Alright
Thanks for the ride. OK. Leave me be
Day One. Im in the interior of the vast Pennsylvania wilderness. Ive brought with me only the bare essentials. A knife
There we go.   Much better. Now everything I brought with me can be used. My sport coat here
Im going to wear what was once one of my pant legs.
See
Some sort of kerchief to keep my neck nice and comfortable.
I am totally alone right now
Well it is a little chillier than I had thought
I have made this spear
Well if you take a look at this
Under this tree
Yeah!   Alright
Man became civilized for a reason. He decided that he liked to have warmth
Hey
What up?
You are relieved.
So what did I miss?
Oh.
Yeah
Uh huh. Yeah
Thats what I said. Thats what she said.
I never know. I just say it. I say stuff like that
Hey! Nice. Really good. Bravo
Ill call back.
Yeah
You cant always work 200 days though.
Oh
Yep.
Oh. Ah
N-No
I refuse. My house
Uh
Yeah
So
Yes
Well-
Disray .My friend Disray got news specs. Disray spect. My friend Inappro drives a Prius with his behind neighbor.
Yep. Tell them how much youre gonna get if you win.
Million dollars!
Four million dollars! Man that is a lot of guacamole. A lot of the green. Lot of green. That is why I have memorized Jans answers
Perfect crime.
Could we please pull over and pull down the top
Im getting car sick! Ugh
Hey
Yeah
Hey hey.
I would love that.
Abso-fruitley. Yeah. Ill-Ill do anything for the company.
It is.
Hi.   No
Are you renewing your divorce vows
Never. I want him gone. I dont talk until he leaves.
Okay. All right.
Yessh.
Well
I havent actually seen it. But I have seen the firm
Six years and two months.
Thats what she said.
Thats what she said.
Uh
Come again? Thats what she said? I dont know what youre talking about.
Well
She thought it had to do with the twins. Thats what I call them.
Um
Yes.
Yes
Well
Because before we started dating
I will allow it.
Uh...
Uh-huh.
Ugh. Well
If it was the first time we kissed sober
Line.
Jan and I had an off again
Whoa whoa whoa whoa! What are you doing with my diary?
Irie.
I dont think anyone in this room has the right to read my diary.
looking for a place to sit
How can you give up my diary like that?
Howd you even find it?
I dont like lump. Im really upset about this.
Fine. I love you.
Not a woman
Alright
Thank you very much. You didnt have to say that.
That was before our relationship. She was going through a divorce
March 17th.
Yes.
I am out of carrots. I am out of sticks. Mr. Scott has time and again proven himself to be an unmanageable employee
stares at Diane
How can you do that to me?
Dunder Mifflin has always treated me with the utmost respect
See? I was his number 1 contender. I was being groomed.
...Absolutely not.
Oh
Hey
I think youre a nice guy too.
Why did I do it? I dont know. Jan said that it was because of the photo that she revealed the diary. But she already brought the diary with her to New York
What do you want to do for dinner?
Sure trying to save some money... get something cheap.
Do you fast food?
Nobody likes to work late
Yes I remember. Mmm
All right
I think we should celebrate. How about you
You said you didnt have plans. Thats what you said.
Dwight
Hello.
Come on in. Good to see you.
Yes I would. So
Yeah.
Well we have been doing pretty much the same thing.
Except driving.
Well have a seat
Okay.
Totally your call babe.
Oh
Well
Yep
No.
This is it
As you can smell theres a lot of different odors going on in here.
Bond.
James Bond Fire. I am Bond fire
Guess what
Well
Thanks
Its actually a lot bigger than it seems. Look at this.
I finally broke down and bought myself a plasma TV. Check it out.   I actually hung this on the wall myself. I want to show you something . A lot of people in the room
Sometimes I will just stand here and watch television for hours. I love it
No
If you ever need any help
Oh honey
Ill get it.
Okay.
Very nice.
When in Rome.
Whatever you say babe.
All right.
How bout a toast. Shall I? Heres to good friends.
Kinda sorta an oaky afterbirth.
Yeah that sounds good.
You know what
All right
Yes
And he was laughing.
Look at him
Well you dont need two of you to do that.
Thats true
All right here we go
All right
No
No! It has to be a real person Jim
Okay
No!
God
Youre welcome.
I dont like that story babe.
Stop
Ha ha
So I spend most of my time right here. Have a hand  . So Jim I noticed you checking out Jans candles.
Yeah
Im sorry.   What now?
Dwight is my friend.
You said that I could not invite Dwight because he was not part of a couple
Whatever I want? Its never whatever I want. When I wanted to see Stomp
When I said that I wanted to have kids
Do you mean it? You want to have a kid?
Pam... I hope she didnt do anything to the food.
I cant prove it but I think she might be trying to poison me.   Hey
You know I have soft teeth
Excuse me for a second.
Ok... alright... here we go.   There.   Oooookay.
Everybody enjoying their meal?
Yeah?
No. No. Im gonna leave it up. I think it ties the whole room together.
Jan thinks Hunter is very talented. You know what? I dont think hes that good.
BFD. Im a screenwriter.
NO ALL YOU DO IS YOU GET ME TO TRY TO WORK ON MY RICH FRIENDS!
MAN! I WOULD LOVE TO BURN YOUR CANDLES!
OH GOOD. ILL BE YOUR FIRST CUSTOMER!
THATS WHAT SHE SAID!   THAT IS A 200 DOLLAR PLASMA SCREEN TV YOU JUST KILLED! Good luck paying me back on your zero dollars a year salary plus benefits
You know what guys
Nope. Nope. Nothing disturbing here. Just a couple of friends having an awesome dinner party.
Oh... yes. There was some screaming but... um... my girlfriend... threw a dundie at my TV. Plasma.
Would she get into trouble?
I will take the fall. I did it.
Jim? Pam?
No.
Nope.
Pam
Have you ever seen this woman?
Hmm...
Look at her smile. Those eyes
Oh
I think what I meant was that I was completely swearing off one woman.   Jan. I think that fate put this catalog in my hands.
What is it like being single? I like it. I like starting each day with a sense of possibility. And Im optimistic because every day I get a little more desperate and desperate situations yield the quickest results.
Ladies and gentleman
I am ready to start dating again. Getting back on the market. So
Listen man
I thought that you were engaged?
Whaaaat? God
Oh...
Yeah... ugh. Shes...   you dont deserve her. Alright.
Oh hello Oscar Mayer Weiner lover. I bet that you have a bunch of very liberal girl type friends that trust you implicitly because they know youd never touch em
What?
Oh.
Hmm
Oooo. Catcher or in field?
Is she a dress wearer or a pants wearer? Could we share a row boat? Could
I think Im being very clear what Im asking. Would an average size row boat support her without capsizing?   It bothers me that youre not answering the question.
Damn it
What is wrong with these people? I would do anything for them and theyre just hanging me out to dry.
Dating shouldnt be hard for somebody like me
Well
Hmm..
Well
That would be bad.
Wish I could
What part of shornt dont you understand
Oh you cant because I dont care. Listen
Ok
Hello Wendy
Oh
Damn it Kevin. OK
Well
Well put it aside.     Umm... yeah.
Good. Good because this batch was awful. Umm... this one says chair model...
That sounds good.   Go get her. Wa-Wait
Shes dead?   Shes so young.
Oh
Try not to be so hurtful Jim.
Please
Oh really? Whats her name? Burger King?
I dont
No question about it
No
Sorry
Thank you very much. Our suspect has straight brown hair. She is wearing blue jeans and a black top. So... behold our bachelorette  . Give her ten for looks and a three for her ability to describe herself. Hello
Ugh.
Is who a Michael what?
Oh
So you get the rent checks every month and what happens next? What...
Just making conversation.
Why is it so hard to meet people? I... you know... its uh... All I want is somebody nice and sweet and someone I can talk to and share an experience with
You wanna see what I walked out on? This is gonna blow your mind.   Look at that.
Yeah. Yeah
Oh
Now you ruined it.
Margaret the land lady? Really Pam
Oh
I dont know man. I was with Jan for so long. I was excited about meeting somebody new. Put my heart out there. Its just...
Youre right. What do you mean though?
Hmm.
How did she die?
God.
She was so innocent.
You know I used to think that I had this perfect person out there waiting for me
Oh
Bye
Return.
Thisll be   the day that I died.
I got gum in my hair.
This just stinks. Dont touch it
OK
I was walking in and I noticed something shinny under Stanleys car and I got under to see what it was and I messed up my hair
Kill me... right now.
I dont feel like peanut butter. Get me an ice cream sandwich.
Hey
Smells good.
Oh dont. Thats disgusting.
Well just dont leave it on too long. Keep massaging please. Ah yeah

I will be honest  the dating has not been going well. Look
Ladies and Gentlemen
Yeah.
Ryan has done a very good job
Well it has been nice seeing you again my friend.
Oh Ryan
Argh. Alright. Do you know any girls in New York you might want to hook me up with? Some that might be interested in a guy like me.
Na?
Well you tried.
Yeah.
They sound great.
Would you have s*x with Meredith?
Do you think shed keep it quiet?
Jim
Lets go to New York. Well go clubbing with Ryan.
Yes you can
Who you dating?
Thats still going on?
Ok
Sorry Andy. Cannot take any chances on curses
I am going to go get laid. Goodbye.
Thats... I
Ryans assistant told us that he would be at this club this evening. It is called Prerogative.
Place is packed.
Packed with beautiful babies. Swingers. Classic. John Favreau
No
Hey.
Hey!
Well you know
Alright!
Yeah.
Ryan
Ok.
Well.
Alright!
Lets do it!
Hey
Oh ok
Oh ok
I umm
Back to the Future?   Oh
Forty... Im in my forties.
Nuhh...
Oh
You are welcome.
This place is like sexy pre-school.
I would love a place where we could meet older girls.
Ahh
Youre kidding.
Ive never met anyone who does that. You wash dogs? Very cool.
I am a bank teller.
Ryan told me to always tell women you work in finance.
I think so.
Yeah
All right.
Very perfect.  girl walks away
She washes dogs.
I know. I dont wanna get ahead of myself
Yeah
Hmm...
I am. I am getting out there. Well
Those girls really wailed on you bad.
Well...
Pretty weird.
Lets go.
I know
This is it.
This is where the magic happens.
Very nice.
Dwight
Case anyone needs to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night
Dwight
Shh. Ryan
Shh
Best night ever.
Like I said
Everybody! Everybody! Listen up
Wet cement
M.G.S.? No. Some idiot named Mark Greg Sputnik will claim credit for it. I dont...
Once in a lifetime opportunity people! Come on
Here we go!
Lets
Okay... Okay
Its drying
Alright
Ahh come on!
No!
No!
No!! Come on
Pam
I love it!
I love it more!
I... love it!! Haha
Hurry
Thats what she said.
Today is a very special day for me. And its really not about me
All right
Ub
Ener-gize...
Everybody
Zing and pep
Now were cooking. I like this. Maybe a whole theme
An urban
Yes you. Come on
Stanley
Were havin a little brainstorm session...
...Good
Ugh
What are you blabbering about? Nothing happened.
That? In the conference room?
We were joshin around
Well you dont get it
Mmhmm.
Okay
Well sometimes my stomach hurts when you come into my office
I
Well
Uh huh...
Great
Whats the pink?
Ok... Is there anybody up here
Other than me.
I never said you could do that.
I...
Okay
No.
Hey.
Darryl
Its an advice question
I know
I knew it. Okay
God.
Okay.
Okay
Yeah
What is that?
Really?
I wouldve never thought that gangs would be tickling each other.
Okay
Its like a mock execution.
Yes it is a good idea. Its the only possible solution I have left.
No
Because I want you to behave as if Im actually firing him
Im not firing him. Im not
Stanley Hudson
I am serious
Hmm.
Alright alright
Thats it. And uh... do you have anything to say to me?
Okay...
Yes.
Thats not-
All right
Okay.
Hey
Everybody
I dont understand why you keep picking on me.
You just
Well Stanley
All right
I am good person
So Im thinking
Dammit
Hey. Ready? Come on
Yeah
Today Im heading over to the job fair at Valley View High School
Yup.
Why are you dressed like that?
Like youre applying for a loan.
Okay
Lets go!
A little over the top
This is all we need.
Yes we will see Oscar
Hello. Hi.   Can I talk to you for a sec? Excuse me.
Hey
Hes totally wrong
How you doing? Listen
Oh
Are you mental?
I... dont.
And that. Is why. I need a smart intern.
Hello there.
Well its funny that you should ask
Dammit
Yeah
What do you want?
Who cares? Im not there
Thank you!   What
This isnt Dunder Mifflin paper. Some sort of Pendleton crap.
Pam-Pam-Pam-Pam-PamPamPamPam! Were dying here. I want you to go back to the office and I want you to get the real stuff. I want you to get ultra white card stock.
Yes. And dont call me Shirley.
All of these jobs? Suck. I would rather live jobless
Hey!  walks up to Oscar and Darryl tossing basketballs
Just-in time.
Just-in case. Whats your last name?
This... just in. Justin Polznik! Huh?
Justin is the ugly girl in the movie
I want you to meet my family. Come on. Oscar Martinez. Accountant extraordinaire. This is Justin.
This is Darryl Philbin. Isnt he big? And you already met her
Come here. I would never say this to her face
So
No
I
Why dont... hey.
Hold down the fort
Today I did something stupid. I questioned myself. And I will never do that again. Because I look at somebody like Jim Halpert and I think
Yeah
Today is Toby Flendersons last day. I couldnt sleep last night. I came extra-early. So much energy... There are certain days you know you know you will remember for the rest of your life
Mornin.   So here we go
First thing on the agenda-actually
Okay.
Okay
If the Devil were to explode
Like a beach blowout? Or a toga
Toga!
I thought that you might say that.
Every year
I want a party that makes me feel like I am flying through the air without this... ugly weight holding me down
Phyllis
Tobys replacement. Ugh. Wow.
Well
Why do you hate her?
You know
Yeah! It would! Just have a thought. Have an original thought. Although
We need to sell her an elevator pass.
Exactly. A little old-fashioned hazing.
Yeah.
Oh
Nah.
No. I think I will pass.
Hi. Yeah. Right. Okay
Yeah.
T-No. He tortured me... with his awfulness.
Y-You can-Michael.
Thanks to Toby
Here she is! Holly... You know
I bet.
I bet. Are these guys boring your ears off?
Oh... What
You know
All right.
Yep.
Hmm... Jim?   I am downloading some N3P...
Music...
For a CD mix tape...
For Holly.
And Im looking for perfect songs that work on two levels.
The two levels being
And I... love you.
Hey
I think I do.
Well
Well
Oh really?
Like
Pam?
Yeah
This thing with Holly feels a lot like love to me.
I dont want her to get away.
Hello
And the sequel
Sit on floor and put together chair we will.   Yo-da. Um...
So are you in down this weekend? Cause
Kidding.   Acting!
Acting!
Yeah.
I did it!
I talked to her-Holly. Just pleasantries
It was hard. I wanted to kiss her.
Whew
Yeah...
Oh
Yes we do.
Ill let you in on a little secret : Ive been very much looking forward to this moment. Very
Can I just say that
Hey! Hi
Im just having a little exit interview.
Um
Okay.
Um... Alright
Yeah. Correct. Um... What gives-what-what gives you the right?
Sure. You know what? That sounds good. Ill take a little look-see.
Thank you.   What would you improve about Dunder Mifflin?
Well
No no no no no. Im not asking it. Im just reading it out loud.
Ill kill you.
Oh
What the hell is that?
Thats... What do you mean
No!
Okay
My gift is forthcoming
I am going to give Toby...
...Yes
How did you know?
Well... Thats my watch.
Hey
Oh my God. Ryan... Oh my God.
Im just worried about my friend.
Just
Im cool.
Holly is sweet and simple
No antigravity machine
Ferris wheels pretty cool though.
Thats what she... a lot of places are like that.
Thanks.
I like
Hey. What are you doing?
What the hell is going on here?!
There is a raccoon in the car
Why did you do that?
No. There is no such thing as playful hazing. Dwight
Shh...
Im really sorry.
Yeah...
Did you see that! Did you see it? Did you see what... wow-wee! Uh
Alright! Lets hear it for Darryl and his band.   You know what? Lets also give a shout-out to Phyllis for this awesome party
Probably the best one that we have ever had
I have done things like um
Or
I love to sing them
It was early morning yesterday... I was up before the dawn... and I really have enjoyed my stay... Toby must be movin on.
Goodbye Toby
singing
Oh
Oh
Just pay for it and well reimburse you when you get back.
What is it?
Yeah. Hes at the supermarket and he needs me.
Yeah
O-kay. Hello Jan.
Wow
Oh
Thanks
Wow. I cant believe it! Look at you!   Are you nauseous?
Do you-do you have cravings? You never touched my Propecea
Good. Good. Thank God.
Cause thats...
Wow
Because youre pregnant
... proud.
Um...
You cheated on me... when I specifically asked you not to?
Well
So its mine
You did?
When we were going out?
W-I dont understand. You always used to be very cautious... Id wear two condoms.
Youd rather have somebody elses sperm than my sperm?
IHop.
Im glad you told me.
Um
My whole life
Hey.
Yeah?
Oh
Well
Oh
Have a good night.
Bye.
Well this is it. I am here to see you off.
Sorry. Corporate policy.
You might take something.
Okay
Okay.
on phone
Did you ever think of this? Would a sober person walk in front of a car?
Well...
Thats not...
Thats not what...no
I am saying... that... maybe I was drunk. Did you ever think of that?
Okay.
Maybe she hit me. You ever think of that? She hit me? I dont know whose fault it was. I wasnt exactly looking at the road.
You know what
Hey! Okay
Lets just... Why cant you just forgive... Why
Im not going to leave until you forgive me.
standing for a while
This office is cursed.   And we need to do something about it.
Maybe the conference room
On the one hand
We have to have done something wrong.
That was the curse
Oscar
Oh. Great. We have a secular humanist here
Yes. It is a philosophy which says people can improve their lives by using reason instead of religion or superstition.
Stupid.
Yeah
Whoa
Oh
Come on
Oh
Okay!  Bob Vance and Michael in an all-out sprint
Thanks.
Well
Hey
Yes. My old friend Ryan Howard is coming back today for some big presentation. Very
Oh
You dont want me to help?
Yes?
Um... yes
I think I know whats going on. Ryan believes that there is some sort of special boss water that he gets to drink now. And there isnt. But
Ryan is causing some problems. And you were always good at handling him. What should I do to control him?
I know
Uh-huh.
Good.
My generations all about hard work and accomplishment. Like... the moon landing. Or Vietnam. Rolling Stones. Greatest band ever.
And still rockin
No
Im not. Its solitaire. See?
BlackBerry. Why would anyone name something like this after a fruit? You wouldnt name an iPod after a fruit.   Excuse me while I type on my Banana. Im gonna go to the Orange store and buy an Apricot computer.   Apple.
This is going on the outside. The pipe cleaner needs to go through the corner. Do not tape those on.
Mmhmm.
Im a little busy right now. Could you BlackBerry me a message?
Creed is using the toaster as a mirror
Whats wrong with me?
I want you to look at me and tell me what is wrong with me.   Dont avoid this. I know youre dying to say it
What
The big
Yes. I have bags under my eyes
Really?
Thats it?
All right! Martha Stewart! You can be Martha Stewarts receptionist! Very good! I will be tea baggin it. Nn... no.
Do I feel badly
I used to get offers in the mail for credit cards all the time. They would say things like dont pay for six months or you can transfer your account from another card...
Do you think Ill get any new ones? I could...  pause
What do you mean
Were you listening to what I was saying?
What is the matter with you?
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right
Yeah. What?
Um
I do.
My CDs are in a portfolio
And
Ive been putting money into CDs for years. I bought music that I didnt even like. No.
I cant.
I cant go back to that.
I dont know if I can do that. I cant see myself spending the next six years digging myself out of that kind of hole.
We will? I cant. I dont have an idea in my head.
I have...
Okay. What? Um...
Tell me.
Well
Yeah
All right! So
There are no bad ideas but for an idea
And that is probably why most ads suck.   Oh
About dressing your best today?
Cool. Cool
Okay
This is Pam Beesly
And if not we can just make him disappear.   This is Jim! Halpert. Jim has a very expressive face
So do
No
Thats
And anybody else
All right
You are my producer
Now
...and we need to be done by 9 A.M. tomorrow.
We start on a single blank sheet of paper.
And we widen to reveal ancient Rome.
Okay
Bull  man!
This is bull !
Ahhhh!
If you dont let me pursue my artistic vision
No! No! Jim
No
I can do it good. I can do it good. Please
Do you want this open or closed?
Hey
I cant hear you!   Heard you a little bit less that time. Must be...
Okay
Actually
Utica is snoozeville
Woo! Shotgun!
Yes
No
Im sorry. Im sorry. Dwight
Dwight! Stop it!   Can you help me please
Would it have killed you to spend the afternoon making love to her in a motel room? Like I begged you to? Pam would have understood. Heck
You embarrassed us.
Come in!
Pam
We have been friends forever
Hypothetically... would you go camping with me
Do you understand that Jim is like a brother to me
So
Thank you for your honesty.
Split the difference. Hey... mint chocolate chip
Can you send Dwight in here?
Mmhmm. I had something very personal I would like to discuss.  Dwight closes door
Okay.
All right
No
MmMmm. All I need...
No
Im telling you
What is this called again?
I have some
Yes. My testimony was actually very important
Before we continue
Ladies and gentlemen of... the... table. I would just like to say what a joy it is for me to be here today
Na
Ye-ohh. Ye-no.
Very nice!
High five!
Cant stop.
Forgot normal talk.
My ideals at a party? Easy. Jim. Pam. Ryan. The Mayor. Barack Obama. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. Because at the end of the night
Yes
They need to be presented... royally... anyone?
Good stuff. All right. Lets get down to some wine drinking.
Its been a rough couple of weeks.
Little trouble. Yes. Well
Yes.
So shes passed out
And the neighbors blamed Jan.
Its like
So...
Well.
It is moving day. I have spent the last month here at Dwights lovely farm
Oh. What is this?
You were charging me? Im your friend.
There was no other guest the entire time I was here.
Okay. All right
Thank you
Dwight
So
A cute little religious type
No
Love. Marriage. Baby carriage. Those have been my goals ever since I heard that song. Jan and I had love. We did not have marriage. We did have a baby carriage
Hey
Nothing. Just hangin. Chillin. No agenda. Would you consider hookin me up with one of your friends?
Yeah?
Thats hilarious. Whats her number?
Mmm... nah
Oh.
All right
Pammy?
You dont have one single girlfriend?
Im not looking for a perfect 10 here
A kindergarten teacher
How bout a professional volleyball player who models on the side?
You know
Really?
No
Send me a picture.
So far
Youre gonna be okay
Ahh
Come on
Here we go
All right
You had a rough night tonight. But your life is very good
Frien..sss...yes
No
Well
Ryan?
Do you ever miss us?
Ryan?
Do you remember what color my eyes are?
Dwight
Really?
Not just because he said it?
Ryan?
You know
Everybody. He just
Like that people are stupid
Because hes mean. Hes
And that Angelas a midget
I know
Well
Its complicated
Okay.
I put Stanley on a pedestal
Pam
Pretty disgusting.
Well
Hey
That is a very firm handshake. Ow
So
Sales is and could be very
Right here. We have a lot of fun.
This is one of our staff. This is Pam Beesly
Check that out
Pretty nice.
She sits there all day.
You get to look at her. Why dont you hold out your hand.   Tell me what you feel.
Thats called card stock. Thats what youre feeling. Now what youre feeling inside is confusion
Mmm
Dont fold it
We have the Dundies
Hey
Yeah
Okay
And do your worst.
Hey.
So
One other thing I wanted to...
Ohh...Nah.
Hey
Wait
Time out. You think this kid could be a fighter pilot?
Okay.
Have you given any more thought to Dunder Mifflin?
Well
I think you are smart
Im right.
Oh
Toby Flenderson
Come on
Toby!
Toby has written a fantastic speech for you
Ach
Blah
...blah
All right
This summer
Dwight
No
OK everybody. Get used to this because we are going to be standing here briefly every Monday for the next seven Mondays.
Oh
Jimbo.
Did you see Hollys butt?
Why?
I know.
I learned that she broke her left leg twice in one year. I learned that shes allergic to sesame seeds. I learned that she has read Lonesome Dove three times.
And that her butt refuses to quit!
You have to agree with me.   Thats insane.
I thought you had to pee.
sees Pam and Jim through office window
I wrote you a goodbye poem. Its really long. I left it up in my office. Could you just please wait till I go get it?
No. OK. Um
I took a lot from other poems.
All right
OK
Yes
All right.
All right!
Im MC Mike Scott
Hi
No way. No way. Pam Beesley. Hello.   Hey
Pam
Oh
Lets go. We are following Pam to the supply shelf. Let us go.
OK
Damn it. Come on.
Here we go. Everybody on.
Hows it going?
Good.
Cake? Who suggested cake?
Are you kidding me? We only lost one pound
What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I went -- I once went 28 years without having s*x. And then again for seven years.
Does anyone have any idea what the number one cause of death is in this country?
No.
Thank you. Holly is right. People
Yes
If you gain weight
This is how were gonna do it. Five pounds. Im asking each of you to lose five pounds. That plus Jims 65 will give us a very good chance at winning this thing.
Booty call.
Here.
Wait a second.  removes condom from wallet
You want more?
Its a pretty lame party.
You know what we should do? We should have a party and not invite them.
Lets go mini-golfing.
Uh...
Um
You know what? Were pretty much done here today. Why dont you just take off early?
Yeah.
Good luck.
Oh
OK
And what is that?
You know
Ronnie was bleh. Things were at an all time sad here. But then I got an e-mail from Ryan
I did!
Yes. Gooooo-tee!
Hey

Mmm--- mmm... Um...
Close the door. This is your fault.
Your stupid friend zone.
I should have been lovers with her first and then friends. That was terrible advice. Terrible advice! You know my seduction method. I like to get in there and get my hands dirty! Wh--- You sabotaged me. You sabotaged me
Mmm-hmm. Saunas.
Gah
in a fat suit
I say
Its my sumo suit. I just didnt inflate it all the way. I am so glad that I bought instead of rented.
Body image. We are here because there is something wrong with society.
If its me
How do you know Michael Clump?
How dare you! Michael Clump is a celebration of fat people.
No
Hey! Why dont you just sit down
Were doing this because of you. So why dont you just go stand somewhere else.   Hey. Hey. You shaved?
Why?
Dwight
Ok Phyllis
Youre right
Finally. Right? Ok
Ok
What about her looks?
Kelly
I want you to know. Kelly
Hey Ryan
Ahaha
Oscar
Hey!
Excellent! Good job.
Yeah
No no
I dunno. I always call everybody back right away. Hell call back though. Give him until the end of the day
Ugh.
Wait
Hey
Were trying to win a contest here
Ok
Aww
I have to say
...was that he was a complete stupid idiot.
I know. I love Counting Crows.
Wow
Thats a shame. A shame to waste these. I want to buy them from you.
I do. No. I do. I
Ok?
Alright. Alright!   Just
Is that good?
OK.
Darryl
Nonono
Whats going on?
To be married?
WOO! Alright!
Why are you helping her? Youre not even dating. Shes my friend... and... ultimately my strategy is to merge this into a relationship... without her even knowing. Uh...
Ok
Ok. Well done. Good speech Ryan
Well
Cant set em up like that.
Can we have a moment?   Can I talk to you for a sec? Lot of good stuff. And you look... you look fantastic.
Yeah.
Do some... do some work.   People expect a lot from these meetings. Laughter
Do you... just... youre kind of losing them.
Lauren
I would not... steal the bread. And I would not let my family go hungry.
Anybody? This is a chance for you to say something without any repercussions. Stanley? Oscar
I will go first. When I discovered YouTube I didnt work for five days. I did nothing. I viewed Cookie Monster sings Chocolate Rain about a thousand times.
To tell you or not. And Im glad I did. I feel very very good. Cathartic. I promise you that you are not going to get into trouble. You can say anything you want with total and complete immunity.
Yeah
A siesta!
You are a thief of joy. Anybody else. Yeah?
Who hasnt? Good. Good! What else?
Mmm...
Well
Bruuuuuuuuuce.
Ach! Wuh---
Thats crazy. Thats crazy talk! Meredith! The Merenator
Oh...
Meredith
No... no
Well
Hoo-ooh! Reaching! Youll get there. Anyway
Good. Would you care to bang it out over lunch?
Oh no
What do you think? What do you think of this place?
Istnt it? Yeah
Wow
Here too. You know what my favorite season is?
Yeah
Wow
Yeah.
I just dont want my employees thinking that their jobs depend on performance. I mean
Ok
Mmhmm
I dont know. I saw this thing
No
I am just saying that I dont think that you understand what I am saying.
Yes.
Well... bleh busted. I dont...
Well
I will be honest with you. That car ride did not go well and that was not my fault. The only reason I am standing out here right now is because I dont want to take the elevator with her. And I am holding on to her leftovers.
Whats the only thing worse than one HR rep?
You get me.
I dont know. Can you? Kendall
Let the record show that it was during the immunity part of the seminar.
How do you tell somebody that you care about deeply
Ok
Get in there right now or Im gonna lose it!
Now is really not the time
Yeah.
OK
OK
Oh
I get a call from Jan and I meet her at the hospital.
I take Quincy Ave to Gibson.
I checked the route - there are no potholes. Come on
Andy
All right
Do it! Do it! Scream! Scream it out
Aaaaaaaa!
Just keep pushing...
Im right here.
Im right here
All right. Dwight. Just push and breathe.
Shhh. No
No. You have to just push it out!
Keep simulating.
OK!
Keep simulating.
Yes
OK.
Yes.
Aaaaaaaa! Its coming! Here we go!   Oh! God! Wow! What was on that?
Nice touch. Good. Lets try that again.
It is going to be the happiest day of my life.
Hello ladies
Damnit
She said it is the name of a Viking princess. So...
I know. I know. It is beautiful. No. Thank you. Is this it? I mean
It does not matter to me at all whether this baby is biologically mine. I am going to love it. Its like when the dog nurses the tiger cub. Have you seen that video? It is... its so bizarre and unnatural
Hey
Make the party. Dont - make the party
Ahoy
Ahoy. So
Um
So this is Astird.
Oh
I could have helped.
Oh
No
Can I hold her?
All right
I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. I try to pick up and hold a baby every day
Ladies and gentlemen
...trid Levinson. Hi! Astrid
Well
OK
Im fine
Ready to play some games? Lets do it!
Uh
No
All right
Whatta we got?
Oh!
She already has a stroller.
OK
Hey! Hey
I could have helped.
Uh
I usually love babies
Phyllis? Could you take-.
Hey guys.
Uh
Yeah
I just saw this baby daddy-
Why
Well-
Its- thats different.
Thats not a baby.
Could I?
I was just going to... I was going to talk to Holly
Sure you cant stay a little longer?
All right. All right
OK?
Wha - thats
All right.
just hugs her
I didnt feel much when I held Astrid
Hey.
That was really fun last night.
Im actually thinking about getting my own set of putt-putt golf clubs.
Yeah?
Oh really?
Well...
I
So
No.
Okay. Oh
Why?
Wow... Oh
Tonights so...
Too many times. Its all good
Youre welcome.
In my opinion
Yeah.
Some of what we order depends on whether were having s*x after.   Oh
Okay
Probably get soup or something light.
No. No. Reservations are at 8:00
Do you need em?
All right.
Thank vous.   What? Oh!
Not if we turn these dials   all the way down.   Now they cant hear us at all.
Were totally alone.
Oh
Yeah. Oh... oh!
No
Oh
Oh my God!
So much for s*x without consequences.
Were gonna make everything all right. Alright? Conference room
To recoup their losses
Thank you.
Okay
Okay. Okay! Well
I dont know
Do I?
Yeah
Whoa!
Twice. ... Right?
Mm-hmm.
Pump it up! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!   Pump up the volume. Thank you very much
Okay
It squeaks when you bang it
Oh
Okay. Okay
Lets hear an opening bid
Federal and State.
Okay
We are getting there folks. Slow and steady.   Well
Hey!
100 dollars
Keep it going. Hey batter batter batter.
160.
Uh
All right
No. I think they were stolen. I think they were stolen and theyre gone forever. So... oh
Yeah
Shes your wife
Uh
300
300 and one penny
325
350.
350 and one penny.
400
400 and one penny.
500.
500 and one penny. One million dollar!
700.
Humuna-humuna-humuna-humuna-humuna-
1
Hey
Okay
When Corporate found out that we were dating
Road trip! Right?
Oh
Were not.
Were not doing anything.
All right everybody. Im out of here. Jim
Ah
You can let people go a couple of minutes early if you want.
Cool!
Were gonna switch back and forth
Ah! Ah! Ahhhh!   Hey. Whew. Ow. I was having a nightmare.
Was I? Really? Was I saying anything interesting?
All right. Whats the scoop
Halfway! Okay
Yeah. I dont know I just- I imagined a hotel right here. Pool
Here we go
Allergies?
Did Darryl touch you?
Whats the matter?
Sure it is.
Oh no no no.. Its gonna work
Listen to me. I like you so much.
And Ive dated four women in the last--
Not last - no. In like the last ten years.
Ive dated almost four women
Thats what she said.
Holly thinks that this relationship is over. Well
Yeah.
Okay
Ill tell you everything that I see. Everything that I pass by
Maybe Ill see an accident one weekend?
Years!
Yeah.
Heres my wish. I want you to meet a great guy
My wish has come true
You know what? I think were a great couple. I think were a classic couple. I think were like Romeo and Juliet. I think we... go together so well. Were like peanut butter and jelly
Then dont do it. Please dont do this. Please dont do this.
I dont know what Im gonna do!
Please?
Im not gonna be okay.
No I wont! Im not strong! And Ill go back to Jan
Oh thats mine actually. Um
You know I have some things I need to do this weekend. I just remembered
Ill be down in just a second.   Holly?
So um... I think Im gonna go back with Darryl   Okay.   Goodbye.
We didnt break up.
Okay.
Thats a really pretty song.
Okay.
Okay.
Da na na na na.
Da na na na na.
Da na na na na.
Da na na na na.
Da na na na na!!
Da na na na na.
Da na na na na.
Da na na na na...
Hey
Ow! God!
No
Yeah
Oh
Nope. Nope. Not yet.
Ill call her later.
I dont want to do that.   All right.   She is going to freak out!
Thats -- thanks.
Mom
Why do you always do that? Whenever Im getting married
No.
Im not
And Im out a fiancee. Are those the customer surveys?
Ill take care of that for you.   Thanks.
Kelly Kapoor is our dusky
Alrighty
No.
Wow.
Dwight
A number of your clients found your personal style abrasive and distasteful.
No
Do I look like I am joking?
If I were joking
Youre not.
Jimbo
Oh
You too?
Jim
No.   Yes
I agree.
So lets see what we can find out from reading.   Jim Halpert is smudge and arrogant.
Arrogance.
And theres our smudgeness.
Heres whats going to happen. I am going to have to fix you
Boom! Yes. Now
Ask him his name.
Be respectful
Its up to you to change his mind.
Boundaries
Hes hard of -- hes an old man. Lets go.
Stop it! Stop it!
That is totally inappropriate. You never yell at the client. You never yell at the client.
Here we go.
Give me the phone.
Give me the phone.
Give me the phone. Give me the phone.
Hello
Hello
covers phone
Yes.
...   Its a million-dollar sale.
Why dont you tell us?
Dwight.   I was informed by these gentlemen that the reports that you filed may not entirely be accurate.
Whats going on?
looks momentarily flattered
You cannot say I was raped and expect all of your problems to go away
Dont. Dont. Get away from that
You were lying.
Yes. Jim
I will call you when it is time.
I have an enormous amount of trouble trying to get people to come to my place. And I hate it. I cant tell you how much leftover guacamole I have ended up eating over the years. I dont even know why I make it in such great quantities. Heres what were gonna do. We are going to sit here for a while
I think you should do that.  Kelly starts fake-crying
Did you know that in Morocco it is common to exchange a small gift when meeting somebody for the first time? In Japan you must always commit suicide to avoid embarrassment. In Italy you must always wash your hands after going to the bathroom. This is considered to be polite.
I am jetting off on an international business trip.
To Can-A-da.
Canada.
My boss is sending me abroad to do a presentation to an international client and I have always been intrigued by all things international. The women
Meredith
I am ashamed at your naked face. I must cover it with my jacket.   You are now sexy in your culture.
I have my passport.
I have my per diem.   I already know what I am going to spend this on. I am going to buy a sweater.
Well Ill just... Ill use different money for that.
And business class air
Well that is all in the past.
They have one of those?
Lets do this!
Two are for souvenirs.
I do. Its right here.
No
Stop it! Stop it!
Okay. Where is my translator?
There he is.
Yeah baby! Thats what Im talking about. That could be you   if you hadnt forgotten French. Where is my numbers man?
There we go. Our town car awaits.
Its not just a van.
Dwight
Welcome to Cribs-the business class edition. Check this out. Mimosa.
Handed to me as I sat down. This was my hot towel. It is still wet.
Take a sip of that.
That good?
Dont drink all of it. Give some to Oscar.
You want one of your own? I can hook you up.
Yes
Yes...
Get back
Hey... guys
Shhhh! Keep it down.
Could you have picked something stinkier to bring on a plane?   My God
Hi.
Um. Id like to see a menu please.
Oh... okay.   Doesnt matter
This is nice. This is nice. Move in here. Very sweet... ah.
Alright.
Very cool.
Okay.
Yes! Wallace said there would be one of those.
Wow!
Wow! Wow
A concierge is like the Winnipeg equivalent of a geisha. This is a woman who has been trained in the fine art of fanciness and pleasure. And when you meet one
Guys
Lets do this.
Excuse me
Um
Works in accounting. This is uh
...who works at our hotel. You look
And it is
Shes foreign. I am--
Oh
Thank you
Everyone is going to end up dying someday. And I think its better to die with people you like... like Oscar
How about this one? Its Christmas eve---
---and everythings closed and you need to get some dry cleaning done. 12:00 midnight. Where do you go? What do you do? What do you do? Come on! What do you do?
Unbelievable! Unbelievable.
Do you want to get some breakfast or something?
Okay.
Slept like a baby.
Look
Yes.
Yeah
No. Actually the trip sucked.
The trip sucked
I did not like the trip. Well
And business class which was basically just coach. And the hotel which sucked big time.
It was not
Oh and thanks for the tip on the concerige. That was great. That was great. That was--- that was a---
That was a really good choice.
No
That was a really sucky thing to do.
Why have I stayed at Dunder Mifflin for so long? Certainly not because of the paycheck. Cause I could be making more money as a doctor or a professional athlete. I think its because they respect me. A boss that will not fire you
Oh brownies! Im taking two so I can parcel them up and eat them at my leisure later on
Yeah why dont you send that to him in Costa Rica?
Heh
She said she was going to give it to him right now.
Yeah
Oh
Uhhgh.
I dont know. What?
Hmmm
NOOOO! GOD! No
Look at him. With his stupid face. Stupid... tan. No.
No.
He looks worse.
Uh
Not on the surface
Yes.
I learned a while back that if I dont text 911 people will not return my calls. Um
I did not want to go back to the annex because that is where Holly worked whom I loved.
Thats true. People say its icky.
David
Is there no way we can get rid of him?
I have cause. It is be-cause I hate him.
No.
I dont.
Dwight comes over
You want to see some really high caliber acting? Well
Youre welcome. Missed you. Missed you as part of our family.
So Costa Rica that was - did you have fun? That must have been fun.
Nice beaches
Whyd you come back? Why didnt you stay?
I bet
Shhh hot
Yeah
I tried
Okay
Thats it
Mm. Me too. Okay
What are you doing?
For what?
No
Youre the bait for Toby?
No
Yes
Pamtown lady sing this song
Oh
Okay
Good.   N-no no no
Pam. Pam
Um
Toby can I see those? Ooh.   Whats the matter? Whats the matter? You scared?
You mad? You mad at me?
Do you want to do that? You want to hit me
Huh? He might do it...
I dare you to. Come on.
Whats the matter... haaaww!
Hey hey! Come on
No do it
Not
Son of a bitch.
Just stop it. You havent done anything helpful all day.
Whats that?
Frame him?
Ive never framed a man before
Just seems awfully mean. But sometimes the ends justify the mean.
Hello. Ive seen you guys around. Im Michael Scott
No. Uh
Grass
I heard you drug--- I heard you dealt.
Im not wearing a wire
How much? How many pounds is it?
Hey
Those are real cops
Uh
Yeah
No
No
Oh God!
No
God! No
Ahh
Yes
Are you kidding me? Thats my salad.
You must feel pretty good about yourself right now.
Hmm.
Since when is it illegal to put caprese salad... anywhere.
Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me
You said you were leaving and you made liars out of all of us. So...
Yes
Do you want to hear a lie?
I think youre great. Youre my best friend.
Mmm... okay.
Yes. Yes
Yes.
Theres the x-ax...icks.
Mmhmm
Why dont you explain this to me like Im five.
Ho-oh!
Yeah.
Ill be six.
So the dollars a surplus. This is a surplus.
Whoo.
Okay
Guess what
No
So... we all agree to get new chairs then. Good?
Okay. Okay
Alright
You are the silent killer. Go back to the annex.
Yes.
Why me?
Wow
Yes.
I dont know. I havent decided yet.
Really? Absolutely! Yeah
Yes.
Ohh
Yeah!
Best lunch ever! Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
All right! Cool!
I have no idea.
Oh
Yeah.
Yeah?
Oh
I do.
it was fun. We had a good time.
Oh
Um
You think thats good? Check out these pants. Nine dollars.
Nine dollars. The boys department.
Look at the ass. Check out the ass.
Look at that.   Unh. Unh-unh.
Yes they were.
They were.
Mmhmm.
Sits on a copier.
Yeah.
Very valid.
All right.
See ya.
Hahaha!... well...
Okay.
Oh
Oh
There he is! Hello
Hello! Good to see you! Good to see you.
Mm!   Yeah!
Hey hey! Yeah! Unh!
Oh... ah
Hank
Yes. I need your sage advice. And everyone
Yes.
Okay. Well
Oh
It is
What?
Okay.
Oh
Now everyone
So
All right
Well
All right
Hey David-   Im sorry. Im sorry. Im eating tiramisu. Some of the chocolate powder just went down my throat. Im stopping now.
No
Mm. Im calling because
No
The what now?
...Like a tip?   $645?!
I hate disappointing just one person. And I really hate disappointing everyone. But I love Burlington Coat Factory. You go in there with $645
All right
I have made my decision. We do not need a new copier. We do not need new chairs. This copier... is...  puts paper on glass and makes a copy
Pam
Do I know what?
Mm
$645.
Right.
Because that is how my mind works.
Lets see...
I dont need $645  I already have $645
This is so stupid.
This is so
To be continued!
No
You think its easy?
Okay
It is a classic management tactic. You have two sides
What?
Good work. Im proud of you.   Mother-
What did we learn this week? Well
Hey
Awesome. I think this is going to be the best Christmas party ever.
Oh
Cool.   My horn can pierce the sky.
This is equal parts scotch
Alright... One more time around the block.
Jim
That is vodka and I mixed it with orange juice. I call it an orange-vod-juice...ka.
Yeah.
I know.
Oh
Can not do it then. Monthly dental appointment
No
Why dont we just do it now? Well do it quickly.
Well do it quickly.
What if we cant do it quickly? What if we cant do it--
Hey
An intervention. Its sort of hard to describe
Okay
Uck... T.M.I.
Okay
I am not asking her to stop drinking. I am imploring her to quit being an alcoholic.
Yeah
The ayes have it.
Alright
Meredith
Do you sometimes have a drink to celebrate a special occasion or mark a holiday?
Have you ever under the influence of alcohol questioned the teachings of the Mormon church?
I got it on a website
Okay
Alcohol is a drag. Yes. Heres what Id like to do. Id like to go around the room and have us each express to Meredith how her alcoholism has affected us. Ill begin. This Christmas party is perhaps the best Christmas party I have ever been to
Thats-- you didnt-- you werent hurt by that.
Okay
Who is going to tell us the latest dirty joke? Who is going to tell us what you watched on television last night?
Was John Belushi fine? Was Bob Hope fine? Hey-- come here. If anything ever happened to you
I want you to say Im an alcoholic.
You can say it as loudly as you want
Alright
Everyone in this room loves you
Dwight--
...okay.
Enabler! Enabler
You know what the only thing I want for Christmas? I want Meredith to get better. Thats my only wish. But you know what? My wishes never come true
Ill be down in a minute.   Could you write down the number of that rehabilitation center that you mentioned?
We did?
Oh
We could go there
Yes
I have a new place.
It-- yep
All right.
Yeah
Thats good.
Were party girls.
Its okay. Its all right.
Meredith
Here we go. This is gonna be good.
Yes you are.
Shhh... just calm down.
Come on. Shh...
Heres the door. Heres the door.
Lets start meeting-- Hello. How are you?
I have a deposit. Alcoholic.
So do I sign?
As it turns out you cant just check someone into rehab against their will. They have to do it voluntarily. They have to hit rock bottom. So I think I know what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. Um... I think I can do it. I did it with Jan.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah
No. No
Dwight
I want another try. Here we go!   Thirty-one! Thirty-one!
I was ahead of the car. Thirty-one is my new number.
Go
Beat it!
Todays a big day. My presence has been requested by   Chief Financial Officer
Wait
You still dont know.
What are you doing?
Andy.
No
No
How can he still not know?
I cant take it anymore.
I am telling Andy.
Who should it come from
Are you still having intercourse with her?
Did you ever have intercourse in this office?
Well?
You know this cant go on.
We have to put an end to this.
Come on.
When will she be ready?
Is she crazy in bed?
How so
Really?
Its too late.
I am already walking.
Okay
Jim
Thanks.   Andy?
Walk with me.
Ohh
Well... no
Which will be fine. I am off!
Thank you!
Okay. I will... Dwight and Angela are having an affair
Dwight and Angela are having an affair. Theyve been sleeping together for some time. That was the news. I wanted to let you know.
All right. See you later.   Ahh.
Yep.
Right what?
David
Sometimes Ill start a sentence
This is going to sound sort of high-maintenance
Hey
So I was in the office
Oh
I have to say
Okay.
Wow
What you talking bout
Hi
Oh
Yeah.
Okay.
Fax
Oh
I will seduce her.
No
No
Yeah
Alright
Michael Scarn.
Okay.
No.
No
Oh
You know what? I dont want to get into this debate again. I enjoy IHOP.
You will have pancakes and youll like it.
So what?
Maybe they are shrinking.
They could be shrinking.
Ah ha   Yup.
Mm hmm .
And there are clouds. There are clouds in the sky
Argh
Shut up.
Ready to do this?
Good. Here come the sharks.
In nature
Hello.
My name is Michael Scarn. I am a local business owner and I would like to find out about your company.
Thank you.
We are a law firm.
You know
Really? That many? This doesnt seem like a very big operation.
Ah
Oh Vietnam
So
Well that is... because... I am a genius.
Yes
Try 80.
Hey
Dont blow it. Hey Linda
I would
Whats going on? Little homework over here? Lets see if I can help. Huh
Why is this little 2 so small? Its
Excellent! Way to go! Nice!
Oh
I... Okay
Of course. Thank you very much. Thanks for your time.
I cannot wait to contact your clients.
Haha
Wallace is going to freak.
Hes going to absolutely freak.
Oh shoot.
Oh God
Aw
Aw
No no
Just
No
You know let me give you some money for this.
Oh coffee
Thank you.
Ok
Dwight
Ok. You know
Why dont we just
Live and let live.
Its from James Bond.
Im not going to make this call.
My heart says...
That is true.
That is true. We have gone down the wrong path many many times.
Jan... Ryan.
Youre right.
You are right. I will call David and give him the customer list and I will give him all my info.
Just something I have to do first.
Somewhere safe
Oh shoot!
Those people will be ruined.
Give it
Im not a shark.
Mpfh.
Thank you.
Okay
I guess this is what they call a bittersweet moment. It is bitter because I slightly destroyed a wonderful little family. But sweet because David Wallace thought I did a good job. Thats what I hate bittersweet chocolate. I dont even... whats the point of that? Why not just sweet? Who are you helping?
Oh
Oh
Oh my God! Okay
Stay   calm!
Everyone
What does warm mean?
Dont run.
Get out of the way! Go
Okay
Help!! Help!!
No
Hes going to swallow is tongue.
Open your mouth. Come on. Dont swallow it.
Leave me al--
Saving him!
Electricity.
Hed. Hedded
Take hedded of.
Heed. Heed.
Take heed of.
Take heed of.
Okay.  walks to the window
Yes. We are. We are livid. But we are going to let this one slide.
I am not a mind reader
And we should take a part of his pay and donate it the charity of your choice. Something that Dwight doesnt like.
Do you?
You talking to me?
What?
No
Yeah.
Thats not gonna happen. Im taking over as safety man.
Yes.
Im a smart guy. Ill figure it out.
No
Nobody should have to go to work thinking
Shhh! Dont excite him. Dont make him excitable.   Welcome back
Andy.
No
Okay
Shut it. Shut it.
We found ourselves on the less prepared side of things when Stanley had his... when his heart went berserk. And I knew exactly what to do
You know who I really think should go? Stanley.
Come on.
No rest for the sick. We are not always going to be there to coddle your heart back when it disappears to be working. What are you gonna do if youre by yourself and your heart stops?
And youre okay with that?
Uh-uh. No
Come on Stanley. Youre losing you. Youre losing you. Do it!
This is you were talking about.
Okay
No
Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs do we bother resuscitating them? I mean
How about no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now
okay
I will divide and then count to it.
Yes
Okay
Ah
Ah
He is an organ donor.
Yeah.
Hey
Are you okay?
Five thousand three hundred dollars for a dummy?
Okay
Hi
Lets hear it.
Ohmmm... Ohmmm... Everybody sit on the floor Indian style like me.   Ohmmm my God if youre wearing a dress please keep your knees together nobody wants to see that ohmmm... ohmmm...
My goal is to make this office as peaceful a place for Stanley Hudson as I can. I think sounds have a lot to do with that. Here are some downloaded peaceful sounds.   That one makes me think... of death. Its kinda nice...
everyone is lying on the floor in the conference room with the light off
And you walk up toward the castle
Too expensive.
Racism is dead Stanley
Oh
You have stress?
During our relaxation exercise?
No no
Let me getcha.
Ok
Ok.
Ok... I think that thing is on the fritz. Ahh... Oscar
Hellloo...
So... it wasnt Dwight after all. Looks like I am the killer. You never expect that youre the killer... its uh... great twist. Great twist.
I dont get it. Do I stress you out?
Oh...
Remember when people used to say boss
Ok everybody
What? No. No
Si senor.
Its not! Its not offensive during a roast! Anything goes! I want you guys to really get crackin on this. I want you to take me down. Dont hold back. I want you to really make fun of anything about me. It could be my race
I can already feel peoples stress starting to melt. I think theyre very excited about paying their respects this way. I have got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this.
Whoo!! Welcome welcome welcome welcome welcome. You are all jerks. Just kidding
Hey Hey
Youre so lucky! Good one...
Well...
Pow pow pow...  hands making gunshot impression
NO! No
I know where this is goin.
No...
No.
Spite her - ok
Oh
No no no no no no!
Dwight youre supposed to do it this way.
That is the way youre supposed to do it
Idiot. Idiot! Idiot. Idiot.
Idiot.
Hey
Can I make just a little announcement. In a professional roast
We are
Oh very funny.
Uhh... hehe hah! Im thinking Roy?
I dont believe I have had the pleasure.
Jefferson.
Haha ha. Thank you very much
Caw... caw... caw caw... caw...
You know sometimes
I um
Well I wrote them down so I wouldnt forget. Jim
Andy
They say that laughter is the best medicine so Stanley
breathing heavy over intercom
This is your captain speaking
Could I stick it with a pin?
Toby Flenderson to the principals office. Your mother called
You
What?
You find it?
All right.
Would you like fries with that? Please drive around.
Hello
You ready? And were off
Well
No! That is a toboggan
Yeah
Well that goes without saying.
Hey! Look at what youre wearing again
...kind of   Maybe you could tie it around your waist or lose the shirt underneath or something.
No. Oh
No. I need silence or Sam Kinison to prepare.
Then listen to your iPod
Well then... hey you know what then lets just talk.
You nervous about seeing Karen again
Is that why your wearing makeup today?
Hello
Rolando
Okay
Thats what I do
Oh my God. Is that Jims?
Okay. Wow. Oh man! My head just exploded. Whoo! Thank God
Okay
NO! Oh
I am talking about
Would a liar bring mini Mounds bars?
I am a theatrical person. Growing up
I dont know you. But I need to know you in order to sell to you. That is why I have asked you to go around and tell me you names. I have an amazing mnemonic device
Got it. It works.
But it works. I would like you all to give this a shot. What do you say?
Well
Oh
She is pregnant. She is knocked up. K Karen. Pam
I grab this
No
Emails not scary. This is an opportunity. Dont
Its really amazing. Congratulations Karen. So is there a guy or
Oh
No
Old hatreds dissolve into new friendships. Its a really wonderful moment.
I would give that lecture a solid B+. Although
Really? No
Why?
No. Im just thinking about what you said
Blonde hair
She was the love of my life. What you and Jim have times 100. Just she... she just left. And I didnt... I never got closure
Ill just blow off the lecture at Rochester.
Okay.
I am on a lecture circuit. Im goin around to all the branches
I have now memorized all of your names. Shirty
And I turn it on and I say Prepare yourself for the Utica Chainsaw Massacre.
You remember Holly? She used to work for HR? Shes the love of my life. She just left... and I never got closure. And I feel like I need to go to Nashua and get closure.
Do I look okay?
Hi.
Yes
Thank you. ... Um... is
Oh- Shes not here?
A.J.
She has a boyfriend.
How could she do this to me
I cant do the presentation
I know
And then shell move back to Scranton. And her boyfriend will die.


I can do this.
Goooood morning
A.J. What kind of name is A.J.?
What do you race cars?
Ooh. Ouch. Okay
Yep
Huh-   Does she ever talk about me?
Its all connected. Shut up.   Does she ever mention Michael Scott?
Does it feel good?
Your life.  sits down
Yeah
No
sighs
Want some pie?
I went through Hollys things.
I stole a sleeve of her sweater.
I also stole something off of her computer. A document called Dear Michael.
I shouldnt have done it. It just- I couldnt help it.
No
Yes.
How?
I know
No
No
Okay.
Well?
She said that? Is that what it said? What did it say?
Youre sure?
smiles
I feel great. So good to have closure. Ah! We should go apologize to Roy or something.
Who have I wronged? Who have I wronged? Oh
Jabba the hut
Man
Hello
...Jim.
Ayyyy!
Ayyyy!
What was that?
That was funny. Lets go do it to somebody else. Ayyyy!
Oh
Yeah
Oh
Just about everyone in this office is single right now. Including me. And everyone is experiencing an incredible amount of emotional pain. Especially me
Pam
Can I have a word with you
Yes
Yeah. And the sexy looks between you and Pam
Mm-hmm.
Well
--that none of us can be a part of--
--then
So suck it. Hey everybody
So we may not have someone in our lives that we love
I am about to give blood. The gift of everlasting life
Okay. Hello.
Oh
Yeah
Oh
Yeah
Youre actually talking a lot.
Okay
Oh
Yup
Type O-Ocean Spray.
Yick.
I looked at the bag.
I looked straight at the bag.
Could you distract me for a second
That was mean.
A hat.
That is full of soup.
What?
Oh
Whew
Oh my God
Excuse me
OK. Oh
Well here we all are. Alone but together. No flowers for us.   Relationships
Yeah
Come on
If you wanna just
Moron
Really sad.
Oh my God.
Well then its a happy ending
Alright whos next? Wheres Andy?
What?
You know what guys? I dont think we need to do this.
No
No. Not a giant net.
I was thinking maybe like a mixer.
Old fashioned meet market --
-- I dont think it is.
These people need love and I am going to get it for them Who cares if we sell a little bit less paper today? A great boss cares more about the happiness of his employees then anything else. I am going to be cupid
Hey.
Ah
So how you holding up?
No. No
Meh
Oh
Hello.  two women
Babe alert!   Hello
Lynn
So run with the ball! Run with it
Yeah
So
Meredith recently had a total hysterectomy
Its going very well. People are mixing
No reason.
Nobodys after me
Its not a big deal really
Believe me its nothing. I hardly even talked to her we just
Nah.  everyone groans and Girl turns around and walks away.
Hey
Hey
Really?  everybody signifies their agreement
You know what
OK.
Four months ago
Pam?
Pam? Knock
I know you are. Knock
4-9-1-7-4-5-1
They would never know it was me doing it. Here we go
Buddha.
Buddha this bread for me
I
That was helping. It was classic.
No... God.
Alright.
Whos there?
KGB -
What the hell was that?
What are you doing?
You
Mine was retribution. What are you doing? No more knock-knock jokes. Thats it.
Whos there?
Dwight
Answer the door.
Im not gonna answer it
Oh
Why thank you very much.   Oh
No
The Willy Wonka Golden Ticket promotional idea is probably the best idea I have ever had. Its probably the best idea anybody has ever had. Three days ago
Ive written these things because it is my responsibility
Too many words. Good ideas are simple. Golden ticket.
No. Jim. Were a business. Post-its. That is a golden ticket idea. NASA took five or six golden ticket ideas to get man on the moon.
No
Woo hoo.
Tell me  was it a spoiled little girl with big lips...
...or an odd little boy with a cowboy obsession?
Invite them on the tour.
Really? Thats kind of a big client.   Hey
Yeah?
Yeah.
I thought I did. So...
Well no harm no foul.
You didnt
Hey. Hey. Hey. You idiot.
Sir. I placed a bunch of golden tickets into five separate boxes and some how they all ended up with Blue Cross. How does this happen?
Irrelevant.
OK
My golden ticket idea? OK. Why would anyone think that this is my golden ticket idea? There is a one in 13 chance that this could be anybodys golden ticket idea.   That...
Nobody panic. The good news is... they cant fire all of us
No
Oscar
Alright
Thank you
Well you know what Jim? It is not my fault that you bought a house to impress Pam. That is why carnations exist.
OK
OK
That is not constructive.
Hello David. I just got back from my procedure
How are you doing?
My colonoscopy was an examination of my large colon and the distal part of my small bowel with a camera.
Well
I think we might have hired an outside marketing consultant.
Youre breaking up.
OK
Yes.
No.
Yes.
Come on in. Good to see ya
Woah
No
Im not taking... Im not taking...
Wait a second
Yes I do. Youve just never seen it.   March 4th. Dwight came up with the best idea today about golden tickets.
Why do you have a diary?
OK
Yes
What are you writing?
Would you like to go to lunch with me? Just the two of us?
We think a lot alike. Sometimes you will think something and I will say what youre thinking--
Umm
Oh
Why do you even want to stay at Dunder Mifflin? I mean whats the point? Youre cooped up in there all day. You dont get to do your farming. Youre not dating Angela anymore. It doesnt matter if you get fired for taking credit for the gold ticket idea. It doesnt matter. Me on the other hand
Its not ready yet.
I have an idea for a fancy mens shoe store called Shoe La La. And its just mens shoes for the special occasions in a mans life
May I have your attention please. I have an announcement. Mr. Dwight Schrute and I just returned from a wonderful stroll together and although I probably will never do it again
Yes they are
He doesnt love it that much. Wouldnt be such a bad thing for him to be fired.
I mean
Right.
Thats it. Thats it. You cant put a price on freedom.
Thats why you made the decision. Thats why you made...
You kind of have.
Yes.
Oh my God. Dwight! Dwight! Get in--- whats it gonna be
Yes it is
Hey
Really? How did-- how are you inspired? How did it pop into your head Dwight?
Give me the details of how that happened.
What?
David? David?
David?
Could I be a part of the meeting also?
There is no movie called Willy Wonka. Its called Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
I cant... vouch for that. But I do know this. He is a liar. He has taken my idea.
OK
Oh how dare you.
You are? Good ideas
Oh please.
Toilet sponge. Its a hollowed out sponge...
...that is more absorbent
Theyre not easy. Everybody has to go to the bathroom.
Thank You!
Well David
When they look back on this day in the history books all that will be remembered is that I had a good idea. And thats what I am going to write down in my diary. That is what I want you to write down in yours.
I want to see it.
I want to see it.
Give me... Give me the diary.
I like it.
I think youre right. This party has to have all the excitement
And classy
watches Jim grimace
Yes.
He is.
Thats what makes him classy.
Strawberries?
Not classy at all.
French. Classy.
Yes?
Miner? I hardly know her!... Hello?
Uh-huh.   Well
Wow! Hold that thought. I want everybody to go into the break room. I have a little surprise for you. Go ahead. You too. Dwight
Yes.
What? No
You look dynamite. What are you talking about? Very slick. Ok
Surprise
Surprise!   As you can see
Took me all night.
I met this guy at corporate last week and we were just digging each others vibe. I was totally grooving on him and vice-versa. And besides
All right
Oh
This is Oscar Martinez. He is Latino. And he just got out of a long-term relationship with a man
This little hell-raiser is Angela. She has slept with a bunch of different guys in the office. One over there
There you go! Wheres the other?
Well
Good. Good
Oh! Well...
Above and beyond.
Thats true.
No. Absolutely not.
Well
Well
Charles is going to tell you.
Well
Such as salary
Well-
Ok
Oh no
I am thrilled that the new boss has taken such an active interest in all of the responsibilities that Im supposed to have. Thrilled.
David
It was my understanding.
Listen
But the branch is still mine?
Oh
Oh
I just got off the horn with David Wallace
Come on. Whats your wifes name? Where did you work before you came here?
Beautiful. See
Youre not from paper?
Does David know this?
Well that
And that- I-I dont need to be managed
Ok
Whatever David wants.
Michael Scott calling for David. Well
No! You idiot!   Idiot
Hi Stephanie
And I really really need to talk to David.
I was never given a name.  hangs up
Are you kidding me with this? On the day that I bring in breakfast?
I wish you had told us sooner
Nobody thanked me.
For breakfast. Except Charles. You say no more parties
Damn it
Yep.
Do some overtime? You want to do some overtime this weekend? You know what
Kevin? This is my branch. You dont ask Charles. You ask me. I say
Yes it is!
No
Ok
Ok
No
How old are you?
Five years old?
Im gonna walk away.
Im kidding around
What is that smaller stripper holding?
Ok.
Party Planning Committee. Not your concern
Really? Well then how would we come up with great ideas like Jims? Go ahead.
Its a great idea. And we have a cake in the shape of a bale of hay.
But its cool
Whoa. Youre talking about my anniversary party
Yeah
Yeah
What?
Newsflash : Ive been here for fifteen years. Headline : You have been here one day. End of story. You have no right to cancel my fifteenth anniversary party. End of story. End of story. End of story!
Ok
Hello
So is this the meeting youve been in all day?
I drove.
Cancelled my fifteenth anniversary party. Just pulled the rug out from under me. And he said no figs. Ive already bought em. And I dont have a place to store them. So
Do you talk to him about this? Youve talked to him all day
Ok. Then I dont get it. It doesnt make any sense to me. Because I thought in the new system I was supposed to talk to Charles
Clearly thats what you wanted.
Fifteen years I have been here. And I have sacrificed a lot.
Ive put having a family on hold.
And Ive never gone hang-gliding. And Ive never driven my car to the top of Mount Washington.
I dont understand that after fifteen years of service here
Ok.
I quit.
You have no idea how high I can fly.
I had no idea when I got in that car and headed to New York I was going to quit. I got on that ramp and I thought two hours
Okay
No
I looked at Wallace and I said I quit! and as I turned to leave I looked back and I said You have no idea how high I can fly.
Why would I do that?
You guys have thought about this a lot more than I have. I just winged it.
Scotch with Splenda. Tastes like Splenda
What am I gonna do? Ill tell ya what Im gonna do. I gonna do a little bit of this
I have a job.
Pam
Any good headhunter knows I am available.
Youre I need you to is my command.
Hey.
You can talk to me for as long as you want. I have all the time in the world.   Oh God! Blech! Phyllis!
Oh! Hey. What is this about?
Oh.
Me too
I already have wine.
Hmm?
For?
Yes I am.
Where you from?
Thats a drive!

Thank you.
You work in paper long enough
What am I gong to do? Uh...  .
PSST! PSST!
Okay
Just close your eyes. Im going to start my own paper company.
yeah!
Can you believe... cause I know paper. I know everything there is to know about paper.
Yeah! Oh God. I practically invented decline.
Right
Close them.
Alright
Obviously.
Oh
Hey hey... whats up Chuck?
No Im staying.
Pam
You... oh. Somebody has been talking in bed. Pillow talk.
This is a dream that I have had since lunch
Before you got here
Cant I take some paper and just tape over it with transparent tape?
Thank you very much.
Im starting my own paper company.
Yeah.
Yeah. In all climates. Its going to be worldwide. And Im looking for some talented salesmen to join me. Thats where you come in.
Can you believe it? Well
Potential
Its... its very courageous
Thats what I was thinking
So think about it. Lets put a pin in it for now.
I made it sterile.
I am offering you the opportunity of a lifetime
No
Okay.
Okay
Stanley?
Listen
Just... I want you to think about it
Oh-okay
You know what. I had a great time at prom. And no one said Yes to that either.
Hmm?
Okay
Hank? You really think Hank is going to be loyal to you? Hank
Well here we are... I would just like to...
Alright then everybody
... and I feel free!
Shh shh shh... dont look down
Angela Kevin
I was going to
No
So which way are you leaning?
Thanks Jim.
Okay
Oh God... okay alright. Its time to go its time to go. Jim
I think maybe Hank should be here.
Youre going to mess with me
You are?
Okay. Its going to be great.
Right... Executive assistant.
Alright
Well
Are people watching?
Jim Jim Jim... were having a company meeting here.
Bye.
Oh
Yes I was. Yes I was.
That is inappropriate
Thank you. Would you like some french toast?
What shape?
Alright.
After breakfast.
So how you feeling about the new company?
You excited? About the new company?
After breakfast.
No
Just let go.
Let go
I cant do this! This is pathetic
I feel weak today. Felt much stronger yesterday. Like Benjamin Button in reverse.
Im not overwhelmed
Dont patronize me
Im not getting dressed. Im not getting dressed. I have too many things to do before I get dressed. I need to find a hundred clients.
Its totally impossible!
Assemble a sales team. A dream team.
Okay
Hes everything Im not and everything I am. Hes the whole package.
Umm... Oh! Vikram! Best salesman Ive ever met.
He worked at that telemarketing place.
Okay. Oh also
Yeah.
Maybe. Barbara Keebis. She invests in local businesses. And I am putting together a little presentation for her.
Yeah
Alright.
Oh. Wow. Michael Scott Paper Company. Okay. Very official. Dear Mr. Scott. Please be advised that it is in violation of your condominium agreement to conduct a business headquartered in your residence. The penalty
How are we gonna find an office? How can we pay for an office?
Okay. Okay. Achey Breaky Fart.
No! No No. No. My Stumps. Like My Humps but a guy with no legs.
We can do this.
Yes we do. So
Hey. I would like a pair of size nine
Okay
Well
Im...
Excuse me. Yes?
Yes
Yes.
It is.
Pam. Everyone deserves a second second chance.   Ryan
Would you like to come to work for the Michael Scott Paper Company?
Uh
Look what hes doing.
Hes stealing them. Okay
Hes already paying for himself.
Right here.
Oh yeah.
Sounds awesome.
People turn to their families all the time when they need help starting out and if my Nanas investment club can help the Michael Scott Paper Company become a reality
Well Im sure that you must all have very
Okay. I have spent the last 15 years learning the ins and outs of the paper industry. With a lean
By wanting it more. By working hard-
Mmmm-My mission is stated as follows : I will not be beat. I will never give up. I am on a mission. That is the Michael Scott guarantee.
And I offer same day
Nana.   I really think that Papa would want you to do this.
Well what is it exactly? I mean
Well... this might not be the right time
Okay.
Okay.
Yeah. I have cable and satellite as a backup.   Yeah
Whats that?
Blech.
Well you know what? My mom always used to say that average people are the most special people in the world. And thats why God made so many.
Well we should make a list. Lists are good. Lists are good. Lists are good. First on the list
I want you to listen to me. Because I want to tell you the situation that we are both in right now
So what are our options? Well
You gotta have some extra space. Philly
I did what I had to do. I stepped in. I took charge. Thats what being a man is. And earlier today
Okay.
Its right in the middle of the paper belt.
Yeah
You know what they say
Yes
Except this time
Its Britney bitch. And I am back
Hello! They took away my parking space but they cant take away my pride!
I would like to invite you all to come away with me
We are in the heart of it.   And the surge of water carries our business out to the sea.
We wait
I dont know I think weve done absolutely everything you can do to prepare for the day. Ive updated our contacts
I am going to need 800 of these
Hey you said you were gonna be out of town this weekend.
Hey Ryan?   Could you get to that copy from before?
Listen. Listen listen listen listen listen listen. I need someone to make a copy of this. Because I dont make copies
Stop it stop it! Bickering! Stop it!
Would someone just make the copy?
Just make that copy okay?
Theyre getting on my nerves Mom. Both of them. R thinks hes too good to be here
Im on the phone
They always say that it is a mistake to hire your friends and they are right! So
Listen up. It has come to my attention that some people in this office are not getting along with other people in this office. And I think I have come up with the reason why. This office space is too small.
Okay. There are ... 4 corners in this room. Each corner is to be a personal space for each one of you. Whichever corner you want. And make it your own.
Okay guys
No
Thats my corner.
No
Pam
Oh hey! Stanley
Thank you. You remember Ryan   And Pam is around here somewhere.
What for?
Yes.
Maybe the Michael Scott Paper Company was a huge mistake. I should leave. I should go
Get your free pancakes. They are delicious. They are nutritious. They are complimentary.   Young sir
Ryan
Hey Pam.
You sorta disappeared there for a while. Where ya been?
Yeah?
Well
These are shaped like paper.
I once had a dream. That I was eating a peanut butter and tuna fish sandwich. And
Dont tell them we have free delivery!
They dont know that!
Give him a guarantee.
Just say the word.
Yes!
You did!
Oh yeah!
She did it!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Who would have thought
Hup!
Hup!
Hey.
Is this good?
Oh. Okay. Eds Tires
I really appreciate it.
Its for your trouble.
No
Yes
That was four years ago. Why dont you let it go?
Eds Tires. Why dont you tell them that we have fewer clients
That is smart. That would not seem genuine. Ryan?
Good
Bring it in. Morning cheer.
I need you to get me the prices that youre charging Eds tires so I can undercut Dunder Mifflin.
Oh n- Is it Mose? Did you put the cover on that well?
Im not following you.
Personal hero
Crystal clear. So is this for a movie that youre writing?
Can I use it?
Michael dismisses note
Someone could say that it is like the situation that we are in now?
So I would say that the old boss has always been good to Dwight
Good. Will you meet me in 20 minutes at the spot?
Dwight?
Is the cool new guy Charles?
Is it Stanley?
Hello
Oh my God! Run! Run! Its a setup. Setup!
Dwight
You be cool.
Just-whats going on?
Mm-do... Dwight would not-
I. Understand. Nothing.
Wow.
It was a setup. Dwight told Charles. He told him.
Its like
I got hit in the face with a pee-filled water balloon
Hello
I want you to listen to me
Im just getting hardcore with him.
Yes
Is Mr. Schofield there?
Well
Wow. High score?
Hello
So you heard Schofield is considering a switch
No. No. You think I am going to fall for that? Theres no-
Meet- Ok
Toward the sun.
Noon.
You have two seconds.
Dwight.
I hope youre not recording this conversation.   Good. I cannot believe that you sided with Charles.
So you just rat me out? You could have said no.
If you want a truce
I do too.
Coopers.
Damn it.
Michael
Really? Thats weird. We didnt see any.
What?
Yeah
Okay
Yeah.
Dwight
No
What about our truce?
On purpose?
Why?
Be that as it may
Oh.  bites into sandwich
Dwight
If you keep coming after us
Oh
Oh
You can hear me
Oh
Walking in the door...
Mr. Schofield
Now
Yes. He does not have the authority to say that. I
What is that thing that Dwight always says? Paper is the soil in which the seeds of business grow?
Thats very rude.
Im going to pull a date out of the air right now. April 13th
Are going to fall by the wayside. Two of their branches have closed within the last year. The Michael Scott Paper Company
That sounds like a fantastic idea. I will see you this weekend for the Penguins. Box seats as usual.
Good
I color code all my info. I wrote gay son in green. Green means go
I wanted to start a company
Its 4:30 in the morning. Do you know where your kids are? If you are Ryans parents or Pams parents or my parents
Time to make the donuts.   Come on. Whoa! No
Hello! Time to make the donuts! Oh
Milk and sugar.
Thats what I said.
Every morning.
Were
You know what we need? We need some couches in here.
Oh
Like in a dorm room. You put your desk underneath
Most do in the magazines.
We should look into that. Or we just go for the loft.
How much can we afford to pay a delivery guy?
They are correct
Okay. A lame attempt at humor. Swing and a miss.
Lowest in town.
Okay
Explain that.
Well
Whatever
Our prices are the only thing keeping us in business.
Okay
Just crunch em. Just crunch em please.
Hi
Did I ever tell you about the day that Steve Martin died?
I know. But I always thought that the day that he died would be the worst day of my life. I was wrong. Its this.
I would love that.
Was it nice?
I love Pad Thai.
No. Theres a lot I havent done.
Hmm?
Were not hiring
Listen
Jim
No-- We dont have--
Uh... Yes.
Yes
Thats a pun.
Yep. Oh... wow.
Of course not.
Nope
Right
Oh
Ah...
Im good
It is. Im good.
Hello.
Michael Scott Paper Company to see Mr. David Wallace. I believe were expected.   Well
And we are prepared to reject that offer.
Never accept their first offer. What is your second offer?
Are you kidding me? That is insultingly low. I dont even want to hear what your first offer was.
Ill see your situation and Ill raise you a situation. Your company is losing clients left and right. You have a stockholder meeting coming up and youre going to have to explain to them why your most profitable branch is bleeding. So they may be looking for a little change in the CFO. So I dont think I need to wait out Dunder Mifflin. I think I just have to wait out you.
Well have to talk--
Just amongst ourselves.
Oh
We are so rich.
No.
Its a lot of money
Agreed?
Shut up
I want my old job back. I want my old parking space back. I want a Sebring.
And I want Charles gone.
I need him gone.
Okay
Sales.
Yes
And Ryan.
You know
And dental this time.
These are our demands.
Our company is worth nothing. Thats the difference between you and I. Business isnt about money to me
Thats one of em! Yes. These are our demands. This is what we want. Our balls are in your court.
Can we have the room please?
Yes! Can you believe it? Thats what Im talking about!
There are certain defining moments in a persons life. The day he is born. The day he grows hair. The day he starts a business. And the day he sells that business back to Dunder Mifflin. What have I learned from all of this? It is far too early to tell. I just know that I am flying high and I dont even want to think about it. I just want to enjoy it.
No
Someone is returning! He started his own company
Its Michael Scott.   Hold it up. Conference room
Well
If there is something that you would like to say as a group
Yes.
Take it up with Toby. What I want you to do
When I needed salespeople for my new paper company
Oscar
All right.
Not important.   Okay
Its going to work very smoothly
No
Okay.
Okay
There you are
Pamela.
Yep.
I know.
I do? Well--Where is that bowl?
Michael Scott Paper Company only.
Okay
I will--no
Against who?
The old Michael Scott might have taken this
Six weeks ago
That was us
Mm-hmm.
Yeah
Yeah
Hey gang. Where you been?
Whered you eat?
Whatd you have
So since you guys already ate
Dwight
Im going to o have some of this meat sandwich.
Mom. What kind of sauce is on your salmon?
Mmm. Thanks for going out
Hey
Who quits?
You guys gotta be kidding.
I love it. I love this idea
Yes I do.
Its frontwards.
No matter how I look at this
I need you to arrange a meeting between me and the sales staff without Ryan and Pam knowing.
Whatever you guys did earlier.
Just do it
Get em there. Get em there.
Are you kidding me?
Okay
So from the bottom of my heart to the top of my heart
If we could just focus and go down the line
They wouldnt make it unless people liked it.
Okay. If I give you your clients back there wont be enough clients for Ryan and Pam
Fine
You are not reacting at all as I had hoped.
Jim. Can I talk to you for a minute?
And Bingo was his name. Lets go.
I need your help. This whole Pam/Ryan debate is screwing with my head.
Youre close with Pam too.
Pro for Ryan
I like his hair.
Okay.
That sounds pretty biased.
Okay. Pam
I like her. I think that she is a fast learner. Cons
I dont need to tell you that.
I dont think you are being totally impartial though
Okay. So be it
Oh
Ho-ho
I have a very difficult decision to make. Its like last week I was at the video store. Do I rent Devil Wears Prada again? Or do I finally get around to seeing Sophies Choice? It is what you would call a classic difficult decision.
Pam
I gave Ryan the sales job. There just werent enough clients for the two of you. So I had to--
Im sorry
Yes
Yep.
No
No
Oh
You should have seen your face. Oh man! Oh
Oh
Oh
I dont know
I dont appreciate you telling me what to do. So clean out your desk
Oh! Whats our receptionists name?
Could you send her in?
Hello.
Have a seat.
This is very difficult to say
He will be ushering you out.
Oh
No
Oh...
I dont know
caught by camera crew dancing to At the Car Wash
Guys
Okay. How about a woman? Pam?
Oh
What about the rest of you?
At Dunder-Mifflin there is a very strict no lunch with the boss policy and I dont know who instituted it. I think it started right after my predecessor stepped down
Who else? Who else? Ryan?
Ok. Anyone? Anyone? At all? Accounting? I am accounting on you to go to lunch with me.
What?
Ugh! God! What happened to you people?   We are just office drones. We are office drones. All we do is work... is work.
I... was just learning... to... love.
No work. No work. No work. I come in here to release frustration. Ooh. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ooh.
Thats good.
If you ever want to come down here
Come on in. Hey
Now you got it.
Now you got it. Hey
You gotta keep yourself dehydrated.
Ok. I love it. I love it.
I love it.
Guys
Charles really did a number on these guys. They are way too focused on work. When I was in charge
Daddys here and daddy is going to take care of you.
I am your big daddy and I am gonna kiss da boo boo.
Andys afwaid?
Are you all afwaid?
Daddys here for you. My wittle angels. Ok. I think that I have figured a way to get you guys out of your funk.
Funk is the problem and the solution.
Ive taken my downstairs office and I have turned it into a place to hang out. A place where unattractive and attractive people can get together. To meet. To greet. To see the ones that you love. To love the ones that you see.
Why dont you get over lunch
No. Dwight is confusing you. That - its
... with coffee but without the haunted.
Its a daytime disco on the ground floor of and industrial office building.
Exactly.
Wha - No. No. Not even close. I cant force you to go down but I can entice you. Im gonna be down there. Erin will be down there from time to time... and all-you-can-eat espresso.
Well
Holdin down the fort.
Thank you.
This is a no work zone. Please respect the lei.
Kevin
Kevin
Stay
Cookie. Kevin
Mmm-hmm.
Come on.
Now I know what the founders of Phillip-Morris felt like. you just want to give people a smooth
Phyllis?
Hey!
Alright. Back. There you are. There you go. Good. Good. Ooh. Show me some attitude.
Oh
Oh
You didnt do that. Youre ok. Youre ok. Lets lie down. You want to go down? Alright.
Ok. Thats ok. Thats not a problem. Ok
No. No. No.
Its her back. We just - We need - Lets - You know what?
Were going to take care of you. Were gonna get you help. Lets - come on.
Oh
I dont need you to give me a history lesson. Ok?
Its just
Alright. Here we go.
You having fun?
What? Oh
Ok
Oh
Ok. Phyllis did injure herself. But she injured herself having fun and I dont think she would trade that memory for anything.
You all took a life here today. you did. The life of the party. Erin?
I want you to go downstairs and I want you to shut it down.
I dont care. Bury it. I hope youre happy.
I guess they got what they want. I am eating alone. Might as well be dinner.
Cafe Disco is dead but I can still hear the music in my head.
Its better than I imagined it!
Welcome
Angela. Angela. Angela. May I interest you in a triple espresso or perhaps a dance?
Oh. Alright. There you go.
No. No. No. Here is the deal - one signature for every song.
I know. I know
Hey
Hey! Hey! Angela
No... cleaning... up.
Hey! Hey! Jim and Pam! Can you believe this? Its really happening.
You guys are the best for coming. You dont have to stay if you dont want to. I understand.
Really?
Oh
Would you like to dance?

wakes up
Oh yay! Geography joke.  still laughing
See you later!
Were just friends.   Hey
Mmhmm. Yeah
All right. Mmhmm.   Hey.
A little bit. Uh
Hey.   Arrggh. So would you guys like some lemonade? Or one of you? Or both of you? Either or. The combinations are endless.
Okay.
You can go to hell.   Im kidding. Um
I lied to Kevin. Holly and I can never be just friends. I wrote down a list of bullet points why Holly and I should be together
What is up with you two
Cool. For who?
Wow... Im designing a chair. Its part of your pants. You sit down
All right
You bet your fat ass we are.
Well
Thats right.
Newspapers for sale!
I brought some snacky snacks
What?
Um
We could do a movie... sort of thing.
Oh!
Could we get a Delorean?
Oh!   Dun-der. Dun-der...
Dun-der. Dun-der. Dun-der. Dun-der. Blooo!!
No. No.
Were circling it.
Uh
And now

Yes
Ohh
Ahhhh!! Ohhh!! Ahhh!! I was there! Ahhh!! I was a tour guide at Dartmouth College!! Noooo!!!
Yeah
Im Robert Mifflin.   Ah
Two hundred and fifty dollars is more money than Ive ever seen in my life. I will say
Yes!
I will say B
David Wallace told me!!
I guess not.
Well... I didnt know they didnt know.
Thank you.
Well
Probably shouldnt have mentioned Buffalo.
Shouldve had hindsight.
I think it went well. I think it was good.
No
Believe me
Me too.   We have a lot of good material for next years sketch.
Well you guys should hit the road before... I close down another branch.
Good to see you.   AJ.
I didnt find a perfect moment
enters office
standing on tractor trailer with Dwight and Andy
Parkoooooour!
Whos getting married?
If somebody doesnt tell me
Oh! Hey
Did everybody know about this but me?
Okay... okay.
Youll never guess what I know.
Eric likes Megan.
How do you know this?
I hate
to Maurie
Im talking about your group date with Megan and Eric.
Yes
Well...
Stanley was on your group date?
Does anybody else know about this?
laughs
There he goes. There he goes.  Stanley gets up from his desk
So
Nothing? Well I got a little somethin somethin. I dont know if I should say...
Stanly is having a midlife crisis.
Well apparently
Who?
starts to speak
entering break room
Stanleys wife is out of town.
Oh
I dont get it!
Drugs?
Mmm... okay. Uhh... hmm... okay. Never mind. Carry on.
approaching Kellys desk
I am very happy right now. Thrilled perhaps
motioning to pad of paper with hangman game
No... no. Hes holding a pencil. He could be doing a crossword puzzle with that pencil. Whats that letter
T! Yes! Yes! That is a T
Hey
No
Pays five million dollars. Nudity required.
giddy
Oh
stares at Jim silently
in parking lot
So Its not true. Okay
So stupid!
I know
Oh
Wait
Oh my God! Wait a second
Im not saying... a damn thing.
You can count on me.
Oh
Did you hear about Angela? Thats pretty weird.
Well
Uh huh.   Alright?
How do you un-tell something? You cant. You cant put words back in your mouth. What you can do is spread false gossip so that people think that everything thats been said is untrue
Yeah.
Anorexia. Shes an anorexatic.
Nothing can be done
Im worried about Erin
Yeah. So... and Andy is gay.
Mm hmm.
Did you hear Pam is pregnant?
Yeah!
Guys
Okay everybody
Yeah
Thats not important

Nowhere.

to everyone
Yes.
But guys
Jim? No
Because a lot of people think that models
Okay
The one true rumor
Alright
Yes. Jim...
Look at that!   That is the inside of your v*g1n*!
How long have you known about the pregnancy?
A week? A month? A year?
Did you pee on a stick?
You shouldve told me.
phone rings

Oh
No
No
Yes
Hey
Hold on a second
Well
Yeah?
Yes
Im going in for a procedure today.
Yeah
It is a colonoscopy.
In your experience
My main concern
Abso... you know what? Ill do you one better
Ho
Oh right
Its okay with me but hes gonna want me in there.
Really?
Alright
Am I worried that Jim and David are having a meeting without me? No
Hey let me escort you to your desk.
You and Jim are close
Hey
Well
If you are lying to me right now Pam
I just dont want you to lie to me. I dont want you to ever lie to me. Have I ever lied to you?
I just dont want you to.
walks into conference room on his cell phone
Sorry about that. Whatd I miss?
Do not mind! Yes
Yeah.
Nope.
No
What is Jim telling him? That I cant handle this job? That s bull crap. That is bull crap. Although
How are your sales doin?
Shhh
Wallace had to show up on the one four month period that Im completely overwhelmed.
You know when they say its so crazy it just might work? Well
Be my eyes.
Hey
Yes
Look who youre talking to.
Well I would say that my greatest talent is being the best man
Permission to speak on the record?
Jim is like Big Bird. He is tall and yellow and very nice. But would I put him in charge? No
Very much
Its not very well written
I can just continue to run it myself.
This was Jims idea?
Wow. Ummm
after talking to David
Little pick me up?   Oh those are the best. Little sugar rush.
Well we did talk about how handsome you are.
Oh what a week
Hmmm
Tell you what
Yes!
Yes.
Hey David
Just wanted to talk to you about Jim Halpert. I understand that he did not receive the promotion. And I wanted to see what I could do to nudge you in the right direction.
Wha... heres the thing
Well
Hey
I never recommended you because I didnt want to lose you and I didnt want to lose Pam
Thats what she...
Kind of in the middle of something here.
I
Hello.
No
Oh
Well just as long as it means Jim becomes a manager.
I like that
Well that might be a little confusing for people because they know me as manager.
Okay everybody
Everybody
Of your butt
Whats happening to me? I am also being promoted to co-manager
No way
That is not big picture.
... Okay.
That is not-- okay-- that is day-to-day.
Youre trying to trick me.
Get out
Everyone
Yes?
Mmm
Welcome.
Mm-hmm.
Disruptive.
No
Lets do.
N-- well
Alright. Jim
At first
Because its a big universe
You know what eats a large amount of the day are naps. You go to sleep
Yes.
Alright. No more meetings this week.
I can be very suprising.
Mm-hmm?
Yeah
Stanley
What do you mean by these people?
Oh
Listen
What do you guys think?
No
That is not what Wallace told us.
That is not the way I heard it.
It is one thing
No
Or David Wallace will call us on line two. Why dont we just--
Hey David
Got it
Which is it more of?
I thought maybe we could talk after this is over.
No
Talk to you later--   Okay
I hate the fact that we have to do this together. I think we work better separately. When I am irritated and I look at you
All I can see is how big and gross the pores on your nose are.
You know
No
Jim
You use your brain too much.
Sometimes the smartest people dont think at all.
As I was saying it.
Con-- you look like a nerd.
Pro-- you get to share your pros and cons list with the other nerds.
Con-- you unzip your pants
That will not go over well.
Oh
No! I could not do that
And then another--
Oh
Ha! That-- I am not known for that!
Yes! You went over my head to Wallace!
Okay. Well
Ah.
Okay
Okay
This had better be terrible.
That was good! That was good! Okay
My plan-- a man-- panama.
Alright! Let me get this clear! Does everybody want a raise?   Alright
What about a raise based on merit?
Mm-hmm. Piece of cake. Ryan
Are you making a--
Toby.
Just wanted to draw a picture of him.
Alright! Who to pick?   Who to pick?
I... will skip a turn.
I need more time.
Hey
leaving his office
How you doing?
Oh
Usually a ten
I know
Yes
Um
Youre welcome.
Gin.  toast
Just pretend were not here.
What do you think? I spent all morning on it.
Its just a really important day for me.
Thanks.
Yes she does. Yes she does. Were all gonna go and were gonna have a good time.
No.
And
Dont. Dont. Dont. You stole my joke. Dont steal my joke.
Yes. I said that yesterday.
Dwight...
No. No. No. Please
This is what Im talking about. When we leave here and go up to Niagara Falls we are representing Dunder Mifflin
Pam and Jims wedding will be the single best pick up destination in the history of the universe.
Get out of here.
Oh
Theres... a name.
Oh. Well
Is that all you have on her?
Youre an idiot.
in car
Those glasses are super dark.
Alright. We need some tunes
You did?
That was nice of you.
Oh
Are you serious? You want me to play that for a woman coming to my room?
No. No. Thats not how it works.
Hello. Reservation for Michael Scott.
Mmm-hmm.
I dont have a reservation but I want a room in the Halpert-Beesly block of rooms.
Dwight. Dwight
Im staying in your-- Come on
I would do the same for you.
Yes.
Yes... just go--
Oh. Thank God.
Um... no. And you know what? I would say yes but you cant. And Ill tell you why.
If I have a woman up there and things are getting amorous
Ok.
I dont have a room?
Ok. Oooh. You must pass the dungeon wisdom test.
Jerk.
When Mary was denied a room at the inn... Jesus was born. When Michael was denied a room at the inn
Hey. Stanley? Can I stay in your room tonight?
Not in the same bed. In the other bed.
You... are... kidding me.
Im not a physics major
Thats rude.
You are going to be slepping by yourself for the rest of your life
Yeah
How ya doin?
Nice to meet you.
Whos doing a toast? I would like to go third. Sort of bat clean up and--
talking quietly
Didnt move my lips.
Head table
Well
What am I supposed to do with that
They have hilarious material and they are going to totally deliver it wrong. I would kill with the brother stuff. It should be me... up there. It should be me and Pete
Thats not appropriate. Hello. Hi
Thats a car that can talk. Can Smart Car talk? Nope.
Thats not smart. And also
And... you... everybody can laugh. It doesnt have to just be the idiots. Everybody can laugh.
Yeah. Go ahead.
Ok. Ok. Hey. What I think Jim is trying to say is that... they had an accident and you know what? These two people
Yes. Yes they were living together. Yes and you know what? You cant expect them to be careful every time. Because
When you c-- well? Am I wrong? They say its not different
When you use something to block-- I think everybody knows what I am talking about. Its not necessarily different for the woman--
...but its different for the-- ok. Ok.
Alright. My point is I said what I wanted to say and Mema
Jim.
That was a little touch and go at first but I think we saved it.
I know. I cant believe it was you
I have not found that to be the case.
Can you believe it? He screwed up
Theres gonna be a free room?
Hi
Yes. Yep. One in the same. May I?
I am actually great with old women. In fact
Oh. Ok. Well... hook you up
Youre welcome.
Oh. Isnt he terrible? May I? Heres the thing. Umm... Mema
Exactly.
I know.
Theyre gonna name the baby after you
Yes
What are you wearing?
Looks like youre going to a fish fry
Ok.   Thats not appropriate.   Uncool. Uncool
Dwight
Toy Story
Yes.
Why?
Oh
Theyre men
Something is wrong with you.
Is that Pam? Hey
I love you!
Mmm! Its after midnight.
Oh my God. Youre not going to be able to talk back.
Shell be sitting home saying
Now you sound like Kermit.
folding his pants on top of the ice machine
Hey
How can you eat like that?
Yeah
She was cute. You know? She was hot. She was very hot. She made love like a tiger.
She was from Europe.
Uh-huh.
No.
Wait a second. Youre not into her? Are you kidding me?
Shes Pams best friend. You guys could double date. Swap maybe?
No... youre crazy.
Shes-- okay. Do you know how hard it is to be a hygienist? You have to take x-rays. You have to scrape the plaque off of peoples teeth. You have to tell kids when to spit and make sure theyre not scared when the dentist comes in. It-- it--
I already have my European girlfriend.
Oh
Hey
Oh
Hey. Hi. Do you--would you have a snack in your purse? Youre a mom. I just figured you might have--
Oh! Eww... apricot. Do you have any of the Very Berry or Ocean Splash or--
Oh... okay. Were you saving it?
Im sorry.   Ugh. Apricot. Made of real apes.
my weekend was bad so far.
I came here hoping to meet somebody. You know
And... and the love of my life is dating somebody else.
It is a terrible year for love.
Im thinking about having my sperm frozen.
Oh
Yes! Yes! I have so much joy... in my heart... right now. How do I look?
Hey Pam
The fundamentals of business. The funda-mentals of business. Mental is part of the word
Get out.
Yes. So
Mmhm.
Mmhm.
Yes
No.
Yeah! Thats good! Come on up! Meredith
All right...
Okay
What?
The fundamentals of business by Michael Scott. Over one billion sold. More than the Bible
Oh hi. Im sorry
Do you know how creative space works? Okay I just cancelled my afternoon.
Push free play til tomorrow morning.   Hi. Sorry. Crazy day. Youre seeing how the sausage gets made.
Come in the conference room and I will show you a finished sausage.
Mmhm.
Yep.
Okay.
There is nothing more insulting to a great salesman
Oh yup. Yeah
Mmhm
Okay
Do your worst.
Oh
Mmhm.
Nothing
No Dwight
There is no such things as monsters.
Wait
I think
He did talk about a fire in the warehouse... and he also vaguely threatened me with testicular cancer.
Hey
Okay.
Um it is
Okay too many different words coming at me from too many different sentences.
Im not gonna lock my door.
Its Grotti. Hes following up.
I feel that you will regret missing this great opportunity to be in business.
Yeah.
Yeah. What are my options here? Do I just ignore it
Okay
All right.
Shh!
Thats not gonna happen.
What am I supposed to do here?
I was thinking exactly the same thing.
I dont know
Hold on
All right. I will meet with him
Andy dressed as a mechanic
Lets go
Forget it! Forget it!
Take that thing off the table! Please!
Oh my God!
Guys
Hello.
Mr. Grotti we meet again. These are my associates.
Yes.
Well.
Okay.
Thats not true.
Okay shut up.
I will have the gabba-gool.
The gabba-gool.
I dont
Guys
Thats okay.
Shh. I will have the spaghetti
If the salad is on top
I dont think our company actually needs any more insurance. So I am out.
No
Hey
Hes a good mechanic.
I dont...
Okay
Yep
Put it down.
Okay.
Okay.
Its just the cost of a cup of coffee an hour.
I had to make a snap decision Dwight.
It was a lot of snap decisions.
Yes!
Just get in the car.
Jim?
Oh thank God.
It wasnt easy. I had to tell the hotel it was a medical emergency. I chose massive coronary
Yeah
Okay!
Jim? Are you?
What? Wait
No! God! I missed
No! Oh my God!
No
Jim?!?   Oh my God.
Hey uh
Oh no. Um. What about this Cash For Clunkers thing?
All right. Well
No. Hes not. Hes just good. Nothing sticks to him. You still dont understand how this works.
But Grotti acts like hes mafia though.

If there is one thing I hate more than the mafia it is a liar. I wish the mafia would go out and kill all the liars. Bury them in my yard. And I wouldnt tell the cops a thing. Not that I would be lying per se. But I would just get really quiet
This is Scott.
Oh really? Is that supposed to scare me?
Well you thought wrong. Because I am not pleased. Im actually kind of POd.
I think you know exactly why
I think you knew exactly what you were doing. And frankly I think you were being a total and utter jerk.
You suck!
And Im not gonna buy your stupid insurance.
How about that? The only person that actually needs insurance is you
Doubt it.
What a tool.   What?
No. What do you mean?
What?
Oh man. I should be mad at you guys. But Im not.
So I looked him in the eye and I said
Erin?
Coffee?
Not from the kitchen. Stop and Shop. If its not Stop and Shop
Large. If its a medium I send it back. If its an extra large I send it back.
Go. Any questions?
Is there someone there? Who is there? I hear voices
Is someone there? I cant see you because Im blind.
It is?
Theyre back? Oh! Oh! Oh
And oh
Oh
Blind-guy McSqueezy. How do I describe it? It is a character Ive been workshopping whose lack of vision gets him into all sorts of trouble. The women in my improve class absolutely hate him.
behind Pam
I have recently taken a lover.
Pams mom.
Pams mom
About what?
Oh
She drives a green camry.
And the seats go all the way down. All the way down.
What?
Okay
Get the hell out of here
I think youre underestimating Pam. I think more than anything
Okay
Shes right on my way home from work.
I di- alright
Yeah.
Can you change my dinner reservations from four people to two?
Sure. Thanks for asking.
Oh
That is amazing. I feel like a real Puerto Rican.
Erin
Yeah.
Yeah
Hmm... no.
I dont.
I dont deserve this
No

I was probably going to break up with her anyway.
Pam
It is.
You want me to be happy?
Part of the problem is
More than a friend
Its okay.
That could have gone one of two ways
Okay.
Feels good.
Im sleeping with Pams mom. Sometimes
Due to a certain recent incident
That was a hit job. If you read the Dunder Mifflin press release it clearly states that they had absolutely nothing to do with that particular cancer cluster. So if there is a lesson to be learned here and Im not sure that there is
Who wants to help the world one step at a time?   Alright
Alright
Alright...
Okay
Ok
Anybody else? Who else has an idea?
Can you hold down the fort?   Hey boo!
Whats it... why are you crying?
No
Pamela Morgan Beesly
For trying to find happiness in the arms of a lover?
Alright
Shut up Oscar. Hey
Lets get back to the matter at hand.
No
I dont like the tone here... this is a place of business
Do not talk to me that way! I am your boss and I may someday be your father
I hope that you are willing to die in this office
Hey Toby
Um
Can I sit down for a second?
This is gonna sound weird
She brought it into the work place so I feel like it has to be dealt with here.
Really? Would you do that?
hugs Toby
No... thats...
I dont... um... I cant hear your conversation.
Yeah
You were right Jim
Okay
Well
Because I assumed that you want me to be happy because I want you to be happy.
You know what? Im gonna start dating her even harder.
You know what it means.
I dont need to be friends with Pam. I have plenty of female friends. My mom
Night everyone. Night Pam
Night Erin.
Welcome children of the Scranton Industrial Park Community.
Join your gangsta pumpkin on his palette truck of doom. Dont worry about a thing. Rest assured you will see me later. Bwah ha ha...   ... ha ha ha.
I am going to scare these kids so bad.
Kids
Why is Christmas the only holiday that can have a message?
It is the easy way out. You are not alone.
Who wants candy?
...and then I think Im going to go to the Garlic Festival.
Sounds like fun. You guys would love it.
They have a TCBY booth.
The same stuff you get downtown.
Do you like TCBY?
I cant believe its- I cant believe its yogurt. Uh... itll be fun
You should give them a call. Check that out.
Jims a good kid. He can handle a lot but sometimes you have to call in a master. I
Wha- what?
Why dont they just want you to go by yourself? Why do they want me to come
I dont want you to feel like Im baby-sitting you
Let me get your stroller.
What are you gonna call him?
No. What is his name?
Mr. Bourchard. Theyre very formal.
Yeah
...and that is the watch that you are going to wear? No. It is not. You should wear this watch. I will loan it to you. It is a Tankard. I highly recommend you wear that.
They are into style.
They are into appearance. We are selling success.
Thats sorta secondary.
Alright. Hi. Any messages?
Uh
It was. It was. And then in an instant it wasnt.
It rained.
Nothing. Cocoa.
Good. Yep.
Ok. Thank you.
Yeah?
Ok. Put them on speaker. Hey guys
Uh... I cant really hear you. I think we have sort of a bad connection.
It was- Ok. This is what it was. It was these bunch of idiots who had put a fish tank in the ground with no cover and no railing.
No. Maybe I was trying to save a child that had fallen in.
Not yet!
No it is- dont! Im not gonna bump. Im not gonna bump. And it was not hilarious. It was very
Erin
Oh. He did? What did he say?
Ok.
Thank you
Ok.
Yes.
I can name Pixar movies
I know what a flounder is.
Im not usually the butt of the joke. Im usually the face of the joke. I wish Jim had fallen into that pond and hed have to put on my suit and itd be too short and hed look... Damn it! Hed still look good.
The most fundamental thing about sensitivity training is that you cannot make fun of a person for something or some action that they have done that they regret. Show of hands- who has been Koi-ponded? Who heres been the butt of a joke that has gone too far? Phyllis?
Uh...
You never said anything.
Well
We are going to make a Do Not Mock list. Ok? Anything that we think might be out of bounds
Your nose?
Alright.
No. I havent finished writing. Did you sneeze it off? Thats it. No more. Ok. Who else? Who else? Everybodys getting their chance.
Ok. Thats to broad. Its gotta be something else. How bout your stomach? Yeah?   Meredith?
Ok. Fine. Come on up here. Write it yourself. And dont sign your name to it. And nobody look. Everybody look away. Look away.
Ok.
Its a fish.
It couldve died of natural causes. So...
Do not mock
What? No. I could get a fish for a 5 cent worm.
No
No. We are not done here. This-
No
Yes
I want to make fun of you right now.
No. Dont do that. Youre not. Youre not stupid.
Oh
Hey. I- I just wanna say that I cannot believe that I walked into a Koi pond. I mean
Well
Its ok. Were having fun. Its not actually the first time Ive been embarrassed by a pond. In high school
Hey. Who wants to watch Michaels pond dive? My roommates friend is the night janitor over there. He swiped the security tape for me and hes bringing it over.
Is this the tape of me falling?
No. Its ok. Watch it. He cant fire all of you.
Its alright. I can handle it.
I am a grown-up
I dont think you froze.
Jim is jealous of me? Jim is jealous of me.
Oscars a douche.
No. Hes a- yeah
Youre welcome. Whoa!   Almost fell.
Morning Dwight.
No. I had a fish stick sandwich. Actually I had two fish stick sandwiches. My girlfriend didnt want hers. Because I guess Im the only aphrodisiac she needs.
Well
It worked.
I dont mind if I do.
Im taking one for my lady friend.
Brain food. Thank you very much.
My girls. There they are.
Birthday lunch. Birthday lunch-- there is no better medicine than birthday lunch. Itll cure all of your Gee I dont know if Michael should be dating my mother and fixes all occurrences of I dont really see them together. So
Yeah--
I think everyone has meet Helene. Shall we?
No
Yeah. The rest of the story has been censored due to-- inappropriosity.
Hey--
Please
Just want you to succeed Pammy. You know what
Today is about family.
Hello. Scott. Table for four.
What table should we take? So many to choose from.
What? All I see are boring old tables with no birthday decorations. Oh
Not about taking credit. Lets just say we all did it.
Well
Oh. Thank you. Thanks for lending me the books.
Thats funny.
Youre 54 years old.
Youre 58 years old?
Congratulations.
The only time you should care about a womans age is if she is too young for you and I am not robbing the cradle. If anything I am robbing the grave.
That--
Hey
Helene?
I am. Im definitely going to do it. Ive already got the run and the bike thing down. Just need to learn how to swim. Come on
So its a matter of interest. Good
Well theres no jumping in a triathlon.
Youre thinking of the broad jump. Would you try-- bungee jumping?
Snowboarding?
I might.
Nothing. Just life-- and doing things-- before you die. I dont know.
Do I really want to go snowboarding? No. But I would like to if I wanted to.
So we should get the check?
Oh
Yes you will.
I literally-- I put no thought into the wrapping at all. Might as well of been toilet paper.
Thats just an arbitrary title.
Its not amazing... at all. Its sort of weird that I went and did that. And now your wish wont come true
Oh that I plagiarized I think.
Well
That was a bunt.
Oh
I got thirsty.
Honestly
Finish your cake
I want you to enjoy that cake because I have something terrible I need to tell you. I want you to enjoy your cake before I tell you this terrible
Helene I think youre a wonderful person and I-- God-- Ive enjoyed dating you and being your boyfriend so much. But I have to consider Pams feelings as a friend and a co-worker I can not in good conscience continue to date you
No its not.
Wow. That just-- youve really grown.
Thank you Pam. And I hope you are as gracious during this next part. Helene
And I want kids. And you... unfortunately
Its not my decision. Its mother nature. And mother has very strict rules about fer--   -- tility.
Well
Pamela Beesly Halpert--
May I have a word with you in my office please?
Well
Yes.
Yes. Join me please
Because of all the good work youve done.
Thats-- no
Do you want the raise or what?
Hey
No! No-- no I am not. Unless you want me to. DO you want me to? Cause I will. I will bribe you. No. Your face is saying dont-- unless I havent offered you enough... your face isnt changing. What is it? Talk to me face. Tell me what Pams brain is thinking. Come on! What do you want? What do you want? Do you want a million dollars? Do you want to hit me? Want me to get down on one knee and beg you or--
What?
Oh-- okay
Ye-- No. Alright. Ill take off my jacket and tense my stomach and you can just--
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
See you.
Hey.
Never. About what? A little-- what are you talking--
What punch?
Im pretty sure we said slap.
I-- mmm-- Im good.
Hey.
Do you and Pam ever get frisky?
I mean-- do you ever wrestle with each other?
Really?
She strong?
Can you stop this?
Okay.
I dont either.
Mmm-hmm. I know.
You gotta do something--
How much time do you think youll need?
Come on
Am I scared of getting hit in the face? No. Everyday weirdos pay dominatrixs hundreds of dollars for that very privilege. Im scared Im gonna love it.   Lets do this.
Its okay guys... I can handle this. Everybody can go home.
Youre just a bunch of voyeurs. Are you eating popcorn?
Yes.
I know.   Okay. Alright.   Oh-- God!
Okay!   Pam
So many things. I dont know. Its hard to choose.
Maybe that--
Yes.
Okay. I promise.   For the record your mom came on to me.
No!
I dont know.
As I watched Pams big
Ahh...
Oh thank you. Thanks. I owe you one Dwight.
No.
What are you talking about--
Forget that.
No.
Oh that feels better.
But I would say my favorite art form is a tie between sculpting and stand up comedy.
You did?
That sounds like it was hilarious.
Yes?
Youll have to be more specific Dwight
Woo hoo
Erin
Did you?
Oh
Its $1.99 to finish the article. I wonder what it was going to say?
No
Oh
Oh God. Well
Ah
OK
No
Crazy world. Lotta smells.
OK
Monkey see
Monkey pee all over you.
We have a monthly staff meeting
walks back in
Games have the power to distract people from stressful situations. Battleship got me through my parents divorce. Operation got me through my vasectomy
It is so much fun. Everybody plays a character
This is my call Jim
Tube City
There will be food. You leave
Sandwich platters.
Baby carrots.
OK
OK
Its not scary.
Well how do you think I feel? I mean I have to play Caleb Crawdad
looks at Oscar who is using his phone
Whos Michael? Im Caleb Crawdad
That is the way Southern people talk.
Delta Burke
No
Oooooo
I do believe that the game is a big hit. People are really diving into their characters.
Sir
Very good
Whoa. Whats this strange Yankee accent coming out of your mouth
No no no no no no no.   Im going to skip forward to a relevant clue. Here we go.
Are you going to believe that? That is a mis- thats a misdirection. We still dont know who the murderer is.   Nellie Nutmeg
I do believe you have me mistaken
No it aint.
I already declared you
This is not a game
You are out of order.
You are-
Deb
Cant wait
To Mama Juju Boo Boo.
Because this is the recreation of a crime scene.
No Michael here
No
Oh
Detective Wallace?
Aw
No
A murder
Get in there!
There has been a lot of murder and a lot of intrigue. My little heart can barely take it no more.   Today is the hardest I have worked in a long
On the count of three were all going to put down our guns.
Well put down our weaponry on the count of three
One
Ok. Ok. How bout this?  rises
I want it to be better than Great
Nope. Then my face is down. They cant see my face.
Alan Brand is the CEO of the company
Ok. Obviously Im not going to do the twirl. I only did it because I nailed the wave.
I am not going to do the twirl. Alright? Its not even a twirl
Ok
Well
Its not a limo. Its a town car. Town cars are actually better
They sent a limo.
Town cars suck. Town car is something that a company sends when theyre in trouble. A limousine is something that a company sends when they have cause for celebration. And in this case I think we are celebrating me.
Oh
Hate to break it to you Oscar but some of us like boobs.
Hey
What?
The limo seats eight. Ok. Then Jim and Pam and Ryan plus a guest.
Mmm... whoa.
in the limo with Dwight
Definitely.
Definitely. Look they got pillows. That. Thats bigger than my bed.
Whos playing with the button?
I will have to answer.
No
Oh
Yes.
Oh
Well
Well
See you later.
Officers. Thank you.
Thank you.
Hello.
Thank you.
Oh. It was awesome. Very
Its nice to meet you
Ah.   Your eminence.
You guys ever protect the president?
What about Madonna? Or Obama twins? Anybody famous?
Rock and roll.
This is not as much fun as I thought it would be.
Were going bankrupt
Hey
Yes.
Yeah
Ok. Alright. We are gonna - were gonna go out there during this break and we are gonna come back with a plan. Were gonna come back with a plan for you. Its a 45 day plan. 45 days to get us back on track.   45 points. Its a 45 day/45 point. One point per day. We get the 45 points we are back in business.   And you can take that to the bank.   And Limo Lady
Wow. Things are really picking up.
What?
I did wave. I did a lot more than wave.
We tell them the plan
Heres what were gonna do. The 45 day thing that I outlined
Just whatever comes to mind. Shout it out.
I am the guy who roused that crowd.
Got them on their feet.
They were so happy down there.
Ok. Alright. Well
Well
Its done.  Oscar
Oh. There he is. Come on in. Come on in. Gentleman
Tell them what you told me. This is genius.
Tell them about the cash flow and the dumping of properties and - this is all -
Its all good. Its all good stuff. Lay it on them.
That wasnt what you were saying to me. He was much more articulate and that was better. Much better.
O-kay. Oh... hey
Wow
That was embarrassing.
For me
Well
Uh

Yes it is a thrill to be honored by ones company. To have the people that you work for stop for a minute and say
running out of the building with Oscar
Yeah
Okay
I have it on good authority that you said the following.   Can you read that back to me?
Mmm-hmm.
Okay.
You are also on record as saying wittle-ittle
You cant be a baby in the office. It makes me look like I hire babies.
Okay
Well
Youre welcome
Keep.
I want to keep those so I can see what I sent.
Keep.
For what?
Oh okay. I dont know how those got on there...
Must be hackers.
What if I told you I had done the worst thing ever
Worse than that.
Lurk much?   I miss Pam.
Is that what were going for now? okay? We used to go for pretty good.
Yeah
Well
It would look good
There you are. I dont think we have finished with my Inbox.
To change lives.
Yeah
Well...
No.
I just
Just tell me it is going to be okay
Im not a bad person
Would you come with me? You know
Agh
Hey
Good to see you. Wheres your saxaphone?
Eigth grade graduation
Well
Oh
Sure.
Oh
No
Oh
Oh.
Wow!
Oh
All right. Wow. Um
Ah. All right. I came here today because I promised you tuition and tuition is very valuable. But you know whats invaluable is intuition. You know what that is? That is the ability to know when something is about to happen. Does anybody out there have intuition? Know whats gonna happen next? Nobody? Okay
Well Zion
Im sorry. Im sorry. Im so sorry.
I lied to myself too. Im not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was 30
Okay
Hey
Erin
Yeah. Yeah. I know
What can I do?
I can give you an extra laptop battery. Not everyone took one. How about this? If you can find a way to pay for your college tuition
Yeah
Really? Wow. Thats over $200 a year.
For-okay
Thats a lot of zeroes.
Please stop. 15 lives. I destroyed 15 young lives today.
Yes.
Youre what
I think youre doing a great job.
What do you want from this job
Really?
You know
Yeah. I just sortve had a feeling about him. I have a feeling about you too.
Heeeeeeres Santa! Hey little girl
What the hell is going on?
Phyllis
Phyllis?
Take it back. That is absurd.
No? No! Jim! Come on!
Its insane! A woman Santa
Fine! Then do it anonymously. Ransom note style. You can- I -you know what
If this were Russia
Ho ho ho! Why pay more to sit next to old Tranny Claus over there
No its not
Oh! I am so sorry that Phyllis hates you. And hates your body. But
Right now! Come on over here
What would you like for Christmas little boy?
What did you think was going to happen?
All right
Damn it Kevin
Okay get off
Okay you know what you get? You get a thousand helium balloons attached to you so Santa doesnt have to go through this again.
Ryan come here!
Come on
Ahhh... Ho ho ho!   Come on I need this. Come over here!
Just sit down!
Yup. Ryan and I are just having some fun!
Whoop! Okay
Okay. You know what Jim
Do you understand
Oh
Hey! Okay! Everybody! The office is being pulled apart! I realize that. There are traditions at stake. And there are--
No no no wait! No! There are other choices
Ill get some punch. That looks delicious.
I dont ask for much for Christmas
Behold!   Jesus Christ. And I bring to you glad Christmas tidings. I want to remind everyone the true meaning of Christmas.   Those of you who wish to join me
Oh the Anti-Christ!
Oh but I can push drugs in here? Is that what youre saying?
Well you have to pick one or the other. Your choice. Pick your poison. Get back to me. In the meantime
Uh oh
Oh yes. Its space garbage. Dwights gonna be able to build himself a friend!   Deck the halls with crappy gifts...
Yeah
Oh
I cant see from here people. Somebody shout it out
Thats fantastic. You can make another dress that goes past your feet.
No!
Andy had Erin.
What? Was I not supposed to say it?   What? Turn it back on.
David
Ill give you a hint. His last name is Christ. He has the power of flight. He can heal leopards.
Im Jesus
What?
Really? Whats going on?
What the hell? How rude! Does she do that all the time?
Hey! Get off! Get off the phone!
What does that mean?
Well
All of us?
Oh my God.
Earlier today this office needed a Santa. And then it needed a second Santa. And then it needed a Jesus. And now
Hey. Hows everybody doing?
That was a different guy. That was Jesus. Jesus sort of ruined the party. Hurt petulant Jesus.
You know whats even more offensive
I dont want to say. But
Its fun to stay at the -
Mmm
You know what
Its not... Nevermind. Nothing.
I didnt say anything!
Were going out of business!
David told me on the phone. David told me.
Earlier today.
He said
Dwight! Jesus!
Davids gone. Alans gone. Were all gone.
Its hard for me to imagine a scenario
Ill call him. Ill call David.
Yes
He told me where his kids go to school. I call the school
Its not sweetie
Stephanie could you hop off please?
David!
David
David
Well I think were past that now.
Were not fired?
Yeah!   Its a Christmas miracle!
Woo hoo!  climbs on desk
Oh! You got it? What is that?
Huh. Well
Hi Santa.
Id like to make a wish.
I would like an Xbox
You called Bob?
Come on! Phyllis!
Okay.
Oh God. Get a room Santas!
Thank you Santa. Happy Holidays.
Dunder Mifflin is about to be sold. But first an investment banker has to drop by and sign off on our branch. And... Im... pretty nervous about it. And... Im... making some cosmetic tweaks to help create a more appealing environment. Is that dishonest? Well
I see youve met Computron
What is the worlds largest ocean?
Pacific Ocean. Pretty cool
That is fantastic. Its good
Hello
Ok. Well
- since you made the trip out. And I got us reservations at Coopers Seafood. You like lobster? Youve had lobster before
They make the best Maine lobster in the world. Youll love it.
No
Oh
Alright. Excuse me.   If you will -
- follow me this way. Ill introduce you to the crack HR rep that you requested. I give you Toby Flenderson. Have fun
I left a copy of Best American Mystery Stories 1999 in Tobys favorite stall. So
Hey
Stuff. I love stuff.
HR stuff?   HR Pufnstuf. Right up my alley.   What is that? What kind of stuff is that?
Ah.
Talkin bout
Waste? What does that even mean? Like garbage?
Oh
No. No. No. No. No. No. Respectfully
This is a building where friends become lovers and lovers become sexually interactive.   Right? Would you agree with that?
Thats
I feel very sorry for that banker because he has to evaluate what we are worth. He has to decide what we are capable of and how do you do that? What is Jim capable of... or Pam... or Kevin?
I dont care if he goes and files a report and says that were nothing special because I think our future is very bright. We have only just begun.
Computron
Just - sh -
Shut -
Shut up. Shut up.
Sittin in my office with a plate of grilled bacon. Called my man
So check out how we live
They call it Scranton!
The Electric City. Scranton!
The Electric City. Lazy Scranton
Plenty of space in the parking lot.
Snack attack time.
We like Cuginos
They call it Scranton!
The Electric City. Scranton!
The Electric City. Scranton!
The Electric City. Scranton!
The Electric City. Scranton!
Ugh.
Oh
Its from Sob-ray
Dunder Mifflin was recently bought by an electronics company named Sabre.   They stepped in at the 11th hour
Oh!   Wow. Awesome.   For accounting
Cool. What next?
Okay
Hey
And distributed things which should not have been distributed.
And -  Jim seals box with tape
Alright
Thank you. Oh! Got it. Ok.
Alright
Why do I have to explain everything?
Okay.
Gabe seems tall. Hope we get along. Had a very good thing going with David Wallace. He was a good guy. He was somebody I could trust. Here he is.   You can really see that he is ok taking a picture with me. Even though I was there for disciplinary reasons.
You know what
Hello
In training.
Were very excited too
We have a little song prepared for you.
Sabre. Say-ber. Sabre.
Yes
Saber.
Wow. Really terrific.
Perfect.
No. Dont like that.
Mm
Well still get to use the little cups
I dont know what theyre made of.
You know what cant fit in a bottle
There is a small part of me that is actually very excited about this new company. But 70 percent of me is water
Really? You dont have enough water in there? Your stomach?
What?
I miss the old Dunder Mifflin. Too much change is not a good thing. Ask the climate.
I dont want to appear ungrateful for everything Sabres doing for us.
Well
All of them.
So maybe we should call. We should call someone. I could help. Im good with bosses. Call one of the higher-ups?
Hello. No. My names Michael Scott. Hello.
Nice to meet you. We are very excited about the merger with Sabre. I think you have a great accent.
Well
Ok. I feel very strongly that you cant just come in here and change everything that people have been doing forever. Is Christian Slater back there? Because... he knows. Hed know what to do.
I have already told him
I have come here today to talk to Mr. David Wallace about this whole thing going on with Sabre.   He will know exactly what to do. He is not a big fan of me dropping by announced. But then again
I hope youre not busy doing something.
You sure?
You look great too.
Oh
Hey. Wow.
Really loud.
Wow. Oh
Can I just stay here and never go back?
Oh
Yeah.
Hi. Sorry
I dont know.
Sabre is changing everything.   Site blockers. They dont let us use cups. So I started thinking
Exactly. What are you thinking?
It is a tough one.
Yeah. But one would be good.
Okay.
Okay.
So the kids making the noise to pick it up.
Oh
No
Yep.
The what?
Oh
Like it.
There are very few things that would make me not want to team up with David Wallace. And Suck It is one of em.
See you later.
Bye now.
Thanks for having me.
Well
Hello.   Is anybody home? Oh
You know when people say getting fired was the best thing that ever happened to them? I feel sorry for those people. Thats the best thing? Really? Ugh.
Well
But I feel pretty good right now. I really do. A lot better than I did earlier. Let me tell you.
No. This is my toast. I think this whole thing with Sabre is going to work out. I have a very good feeling about it.
Heres my toast. Orange juice is in here. And
Heres the toast. Im gonna do it now. Raise your container to us and to Sabre.
Mm. Wow. That is metallicy. Ugh. Thats like drinking a battery. Ah
Hello Vancouver
Okey doke.
What?
No.
No.   Were trying to look it up right now.
Um
Well
Oh.
Thats it!
Alright
Okay
Today
Jo Bennett enters with two humongous dogs
Pleasure to meet you
Jo
Whoa
And sometimes I can hardly handle that!
Forget the question...
I humbly accept the management position.
Because
Yes.
No
I could manage my way around that.
I will try to manage my excitement!
I have been saying the word manager a lot
Sure. You here to tell me that you think I would be a better manager and that you are sorry for being such a jerk?
What?
What? Really?
Wow!
La la la
What are you reading?
Oh
Why
...Where did you get that information.
Manuel who?
Well
Son of a bitch.   Pardon me.
Okay.
Really? Aw
Yeah. You can take the man out of the salesman
No
Im turning myself in right now!
Thank you.
Great! Thats great. Congratulations. Have fun signing my commission checks
How is that possible?
No excuses Erin
Oh
It will be a pleasure doing business with you. Thanks
Why not? Its part of the sales experience.
Well
What is that smell? Do you smell that? What is that? Like a sulfur deposit under here?
No
You know what
No
Are you kidding me?
And you guys are okay with this?
Oh my God.
Hey.
You know
Yeah. Except theres no grass out there. Its just a farty dirt patch.
I really need my job back. We made a terrible mistake here.
We make a poster that says Happy Opposite Day! and she sees it on the way out... Nah
Lethal Weapon?
What? What Im saying...
And weirdly Im a good dog person
Alright!
Oh
Erin
Oh
Actually
Happy to do it. Also
Well
Oh
Shut up
No
Distractions are good! That means conference room
Um
The purpose for this meeting is to take Pams mind off of whats going on inside of her body.
I will allow that.
Okay.
Does anybody have anything? Anything interesting
Yes
Nope
That sounds good! Do you need some music
Where are we? We have every six minutes
Yeah
Jim
Okay
Okay
Okay
Ooh
I think he is.
Pam
4:35. Alright
We can do...
Oh. What? You want to eat cat food with Kevin and not go to the hospital?
What is October feast?
Okay
Thats right
Lets go
Are you kidding?
You can do this. You can do this.
Im scared
Yeah.
Were going to have a baby.
Lets do that.
Two minutes apart.
Its okay.
I know
Were okay
Youre not going to. You know where youre going?
Yes
Yes! Were going to the hospital and were going to have a baby.
I got it! I got it! Everybody its go time! At your stations. Stanley
No
Yes.
Go bag! Wheres my go bag? Wheres my go bag?
You are telling me now that there is nothing in it. Okay
No
Thank you! Wish me luck!
Here we go! Here we go! On our way!
Come on
No
Dwight
Alright.
Geesh
What!?
Where?
By the bushes?
Okay
Okay
Yeah?
Im texting about you
Guys
Hello
Okay.
Okay.
Do you have everything
Okay
Dunder-Mifflin. Its okay.   I just did.
Where is my little nibblet? Halpert
Okay
That kids going to have a lot of hair.
I think its going to be any minute now.
Phyllis
Oh
Guys? Hello? Um
Youre starting
Yeah
Okay. You cant smoke anywhere these days.
Guys
Eleven pounds...
Thank you! Thank you!
Wheres the baby? I want to see the baby. Oh! Oh
Hello. Oh
Love you
Ooh
Alright.
Oh
Mm-hmm. Oh. Ooh
There she sat. Her name was Pam. She was a receptionist. She was engaged to an animal. There sat Jim. He was a gawky
Who else here is single?
I am offering up my services to you all. You saw what I did with Pam and Jim. I can help you
Okay
Ha ha
Andrew
Well
What would you say
I would like you to meet your new boyfriend.
Okay
Good!
Sure. Kevin
Bye.
Okay. This is going to kill Kevin.
Im not so sure. Kevin has an enormous heart. Literally
No
Just dont let him sit on you... Im kidding. Youll have fun. Itll be good. Itll be good. There he is. Go to him.
Kevin. Erin would like a few words with you.
Oh
Okay
No.
Lynn was as hot as Erin.
This isnt about me
Kev... Nice. Going.
There is no greater feeling than when two people who are perfect for each other overcome all obstacles
Hello hello. Top of the morning to you! Ooh ooh! Green M&Ms! Natures Viagra!   Two of my favorite joke areas combined. Itll be a good day.
It is St. Patricks Day
Morning
It is. This is a little something for you to remember your time here in Scranton by.
Yes it is!
No
Mm
When you work for Sabre
That is a great idea JB.
Oscar
Daryl. Mellow
Okay.
Look at that picture that you drew. Nice job! Were very proud of you. You know what
Oh no! Say its not so
Well
How about July 4th weekend?
I did!
You know what
All right
Lets follow the chain of events. Jo likes Michael. Jo invites Michael to house. Jo doesnt like Michael anymore. Hmmm.
Hello. I want you to stop what youre doing right now. You are stressed
No is not an option.
All right. Well if you need me
Ill be over there.
Very nice.
A real Hoop Dreams story you got there. Oh man
Hm mm. Seriously
How do I put this delicately? Does her family owe your family something
Okay. All right.
Hey there. So I think Im done. Gonna head out. Unless you want to chat. Like we were doing earlier.
Mm? Well
Right. What?
Mm. mm. Oh well.
No
Hey Pack-man.
How you doing stud? You already there?
Hows the lady situation?
Ah damn. That sounds great. Unfortunately I am stuck here
Yeah. Maybe next year.
How late do we have to work tonight?
Why does she do that? Why doesnt she just tell you what your schedule is?
Do I really want to turn out like Gabe? Twenty-six. Single. Tied to my desk. No life
Hello Jo.
There is
Im thrilled with the work theyve done today
Okay. Happy St. Patricks Day.   And also
Yes.
Excuse me
Drinks are on me!
Oh -hoh! All right.
Did I mess up my career today? My future prospects at Sabre? I dont know. There is a chance. Yes. I tell you I love my job. But Jo wants me to put on a show for her
Okay. Okay
Hey Jim
Look at him. Look at him - t-shirt
I am flattered. Thats Johnny Depp.
In my condo complex.
I am flipping out
Hey
Captain Jack Sparrow. Captain Jack Sparrow
No. Im Captain Jack Sparrow.
Okay
Yeah. Well
I know
I know! It also explains why the name on his mailbox was M Shulman.
First up
Ah
No sales topic per se.
Dwight?
I would like your undivided attention
Over the last few weeks
Yeah.
M-hmm.
Is that all you have to say to me?
Wow
Stop sexting Pam. Im trying to congratulate you.
You writing your memoirs over there?
Well
Okay. Dont gloat. Heres the thing. This kind of money can corrupt people.
Im just saying
Honey and jelly sandwich time.
Oh
You saw who did this and you didnt stop them?
The sales department smashed my sandwich.
You dont get it.
Thats what she said.
Yeah.
Thank you very much.
Ah
Alright. Then I guess I should give them out. Hold on. You know what Im thinking? Im thinking that I have something that you want. You guys are acting like you own this place. And you dont. Not even Sabre owns this place. Its a rental. Im kind of sick of the attitude around here. Im sick of the cocky walk
Then we are just rewarding their bad behaviour. Okay. Just - imagine that instead of going to jail for murdering someone
They act like I have no power.
Hmm. Well
Exactly that.
Exactly that.
Hello. May I have everyones attention
- and to King Meredith!
And to King Angela!   Because today we are all kings. And queens  .
Im giving them the leads
Hey.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Alright.
Oh
I do understand it.
Or is it?
Today I turned an office crisis into a teachable moment.   A lesser manager would have screwed this day up royally  : Now thats Italian! Some yokel sitting behind his desk saying take a lead
Well
Wait. What day is today?
Oh my god. Oh my god   oh my god
Okay. You know what
Why? Because I am not going to call Sabre and say
Well
Really?
Okay
You can.
Okay fine
You know
Yeah. Sometimes the acorn just stays the acorn. If you dont believe me
Youve changed
Since when do you care about money? When I first met you
No
Assistant to the managed him -
Yeah.
You think you would have done better without me? Really?
Wow. Ohhhkay. Man. When I think about all the time I wasted being your friend - I shouldnt have been hanging out watching karate movies with you -
You know what
Thats my wife youre talking about
If I wanted to hit you
No no. You just made an enemy with the wrong guy
Dont even think about that  Dwight begins rolling it towards Michael
Okay
Were never going to find those leads
This   Why would somebody throw that out?
Yeah
Know what would be a great picture here? Just this whole dump
In the dump.
No! Better!
How many is that?
Count the last one.
Oh
Oh
Oh
My respect.   Okay
Gets to go home.   Ooh! I say dance
What do we got? Creed
Oh
Yeah
Good.
Alright
Well
Yes?
Ladies and gentleman
Ok
No
I am in.
Its a deal.
Oh
Its not a birthday
Sucks to be you.
That would be sublime.
Yes.
Hello
What is a nice girl like you hanging out with these bums for?
Oh
No. No
So
Really?
See
Yes. I feel like an idiot. Awesome.
About what?
Shes nice.
Yeah.
Uh
About what?
Well
Guys
Hi
Hey
Im tying a knot in the stem with my tongue.
Wow. Oh
I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk
Hello.
Hi.
Yeah
Hey
Really? You told on me. Thats lame.
Yes. Homelessness. What?
Where?
Okay
She cant talk to us that way.
You let somebody talk to you like that
Well
Hey
I am here with my employees. I am here on a date. Hello.
Well
Yes it is. I am writing a book about it.
Ive written all of it... in my head.
If youre really interested
Read it? I own it. But no
I own a Chrysler.
No
Grenadine.
I manage a paper company-Dunder Mifflin/Sabre.
I did. I actually put it in your bowl.
No
No
He is I.
Oh
Hey
Halperts
I think I did. But I cant take all of the credit. Some of the credit is due
Im going to give Erin $15.
A one-on-one lunch with Erin?
Shes kind of a rube.
Okay. All right. All right. Okay. Ill take her to lunch.
Hi
I wanted to know what your plans for lunch were because I was hoping to ask you to...  lunch.
Ugh.
Well
Okay
looks at Andy who is urging he agree with her
All right.
Would you mind if I listen to my book on tape? Im kind of a bookworm. This is the novelization of the movie Precious based on the book Push by Sapphire.
shakes head
Ahhh.
Right.
An age or month?
Ive been trying. Ive been trying to keep it going. Erin is just weird.
So how are things going with Andy?
Well
Other than the fact that he dated Angela
I dont think he is the best dresser. Reminds me of Easter.
Mm-hmm. You didnt know that? Oh.
Okay.
I dont know. Probably didnt want you to have a mental image of him having s*x with somebody else.
They were engaged
Yeah
Thank you.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Well...
What are you doing? What are you doing?
Okay
Ill have what shes having!
Did you have a... did you like your lunch? Did you have a good lunch? Did you like that? Did you enjoy your food? It was good. I liked my lunch.
You know what
No. No. No.
Stop talking.
Oh God.
Andy
You know what
Erin?
No
Oh. Yep. Im sorry about that. I feel... Im sorry I caused that thing.
Well
You said butt.
Ahh! You said it! You know who you would love? Oh
Oh
Buenos dias
No
I believe that every man
Buenos dias
Ha ha! Buenos dias
La telefona.
Oh. Eso es lo que dice
Damn it.   Ah
Yo soy Cancun.
Can you smell the power of the Halperts? Power couple.
I went with the people I thought would put the best face on the company.
Did somebody order a hooker over here?
Hi. How are you?
Theres this woman I met a few weeks ago. Her name is Donna
Right here
Hi.
Sorry to interrupt. Sorry to interrupt. Do you
Because I keep getting these magazines sent to me via the address of the woman who used to live in my condo before me.
Uh
Okay
I took the liberty to scan a few things earlier
And that would be a display   of the crisp
Its subtle. Thats how it works. I show her an image that turns her on. And then she looks at me
This is a place that I like to go to be alone with my thoughts. Ive never taken anybody there before.
Ryan.
And thats it. Thats me. Thats who I am.
Oh
Hmm.
Jim! Could you come in here for a sec? What was that printer we were looking at?
You didnt see it
Oh really
Look
So maybe we could find a little wiggle room
Maybe wee find some wiggle room?
I think we could.
Okay
Why dont you run them again?
If she is
So corporate approval of this contract is contingent upon buyer and seller...
Operating blahdy blahdy blah. Boilerplate. Pound of fish.   Just kidding. Do you like mints?
I carry mints with me sometimes. You ever tried those?
Theyre good
Sure.
I cant stop myself from kissing her.
Okay
Okay. What do you think?
Andy?
Okay
Pam?
Im going with Pams group.
Here we go.
Okay.
No
What sort of movie would Rudy have been if he had just stopped
We should have your contract done by Thursday.
Okay.
Yeah it was nice to do business with you
I dont know. I think so.
Okay. So... Oh
Thank you so much.
Mmm.
Ahem. So
All right. All right. Bye.
And have a good elevator ride.
Oh
I dont know. I dont know. Cant really trust my feelings anymore.
She suckered you too.
Was it the cleavage?
Yep.
God. She left this here?
Okay. Maybe she wants me to return this to her at her work.
Yeah. This could be a signal. People dont just take barrettes off.
Well...
Yeah
I know. Youre right. Thank you. Thanks everybody.  waves
runs down to parking lot
Oh. Youre still here. I have your baguette.
You know what? Everybody told me that you werent interested. Everybody. And I didnt believe em. And they were right. So... theres your barrette.
Who?
About what?
No
No...
What happened?
Really?! Oh
No
You know what? It doesnt matter. Because I know it happened. And that is all that counts.   I did do it!
Jim. Are you clicking a detonator?
Get back to work
Ooh! Things with Donna are so... oh-ho-ho! Theyre going great. I
Who enjoys the weekends?   Of course. Now the weekend is always great if you have someone
Okay.
Okay
Yeah
Oh!
Thats fun.
All right.
We actually went to the Poconos last Tuesday. We headed up there
Because when your super-hot girlfriend says
You know what
You guys think Donnas cheating on me?
... and... we had s*x
How?
How do I not make any more of it?
All right.   And she wont say
Nine dates. I said it on the second date.
Yeah
No
Run what?
Why didnt you just say that
Well
Yes
Thats what makes it so wrong.
Ever since I found out that Donna might be cheating on me
I want someone to follow Donna. I want her tailed. I need the name of a good private investigator.
This is you. How much do you charge?
Ill give you $50. Moneys no object.
Okay.
Its never too early for ice cream
Its comfort food
I know. Well
Because I have him investigating her. Im waiting for a text update.
Its too late to undo it. I need to know. Otherwise this thing is going to spiral out of amok.
God
I know.
Thats not true.   Youre right
Helene?
Oh.
Oh
All right.
Youre back. What happened?
No
Ugh!
No. No! Are you sure?
Who eats eight protein bars?
Okay. Well
What? No
I am not paying for that membership.
sitting on the floor behind Erins desk
No
Thats her?
Mm-hmm. Right. Right. Right.   Okay
I didnt. Everybody else here did. Everybody convinced me that something was up. They poisoned my mind.
Ye... pfff. Well
If you wanna dump me
Well
...poop my pants.
Oh
We are?
Wow.   Thats exciting.
Hey.
Well it can wait. It can wait.
Jim is her husband.
And they are having problems
Good in bed.
Oh
Okay
Yeah
Who the hell is this? Who is this guy?
God! Lowest of the low. That guy. Just a notch above Toby. You know what?
Im gonna kill him. No
I have to hear it from her.
I need to have her tell me herself. Right?
I need to have her say...
I need to say
No
Okay. Okay. Okay.
You know what? We should really do something fun this week.
Wouldnt that be fun?
How about Thursday?
I cant do Thursday. Book club. How about Friday?
Oh
Oh okay. Well
Nope
Youre cheating. Youre cheating on me.
Pam told me.  looks up at 2nd floor windows and so does Donna  Jim
Who is he?
The other man. Whos the guy? Who is it?
Im the mistress?
Toby has been leaving radon kits everywhere
Pfffffttt.
Youre kidding me? God! You say radon is silent
You know what? Were not gonna die of radon
Right? And if I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler
Okay
I would kill Bin Laden and then Toby.
Okay geniuses
I dont know.
Yes
Toby
Good work.
Morning everyone.
Hello!
Oh
Oh! Oh wow
Okay. Well... thats random. I will dig into those later.
No
Hey.
Oh
That... exists?
Okay
Okay
Since when is this an office where we delve into each others personal lives?
I like Donna. Is it wrong to keep seeing her? Depends on who you ask. I mean
Well
People
I will have you know that I asked Donna about this and she is fine with it. And just to be sure
He is never gonna find out. He is a high school baseball coach. He wakes up early. He goes to bed early. Look at how long it took for him to find out.   It was right under his nose. I had to tell him.
Im sorry
On her diet! Hes a sports guy. Hes scummy. Dogfighting. Drugs. They spit.
Real sports with Bryant Gumble.
You know what? You know what? I am declaring a moment of silence right now. Ten minutes of silence honoring Michael Jackson. just sit there and think about Michael jackson.
Mm
Do you think this husband is a super sweet nice guy? Do you think hes an angel? I dont think so. Why is his wife going off and having a little something-something with me? There has to be a problem with him.
I am Beyonce always.
Yes
I would love that.
I have work to do.
Lets go.   I cant wait to see this jerk who is making me cheat on his wife. I should punch him in the nose for what hes making me do to her.
All right
Shh! Try not to draw attention
Right there. The coach!
Right there. Look
All right. Can you just-- can you just act normal for a second
You have no idea what youre talking about.
You dont. No
You dont know. You dont-- you dont know anything. Look at him. Look at him over there. High-fiving? He didnt even do anything. Kid did all the work. I bet he does that at home. I bet its like
Okay
I know
Shh! Okay
Okay.
No. God. You go talk to him.
No
Im good. Oh
Sorry. I got some stomach cramps.
Well
Okay
Dont thank me. Thank Dylans mom. Here you go! Oh! Ooh Hoo Hoo Hoo hoo!
You love it. There ya go.
Uh
Well
I did.
No. We just talked. Hes very nice.
It did not.
Isnt it?
Im awful
Im an awful guy! Ooh!
I am what I am
I dont care. I have an appetite for life!   Mmm. Mmm! Oh
Youll learn
Yeah
Nope.
I have got big balls.
Okay.   Phyllis. Okay. Look at me.   Phyllis
Because a motel is dirty and it is sexy. Like me. And like Donna. And frankly
Okay
Nobody better try to stop me. Good.
How do I feel about breaking up with Donna? Good. Moral. I feel proud.   Like a grownup.  That was not easy because I really liked her a lot. And Im a little bit emotional right now because I know that I absolutely made the right decision.   At the end of the day
Yes?
Umm... I have done some very bad things
Oh. Okay. I was talking about... what do-- what? Whats going on?
There is nothing wrong
OH! Pack Man
Apparently
Everybody
Oh
Yes.
Yes. Come on! Get it up! Thats what... lets do it!
Please.
Really? A baby otter? Okay
Jo! We were not expecting you!
Jo
Absolutely. Anyone who talked to the press
There is no reason for anyone here to sign this
Yes
Okay.
We should give him a one-way ticket to Montego Bay
Yes. You put them in jail for a long time
I want these people to really pay
Okay.
Ridiculous
Is there something that you would like to say to me?
About talking to the press?
Mmhmm.
I dont believe you.
Thats a little much. All right
Okay
Did you tell anyone outside of this office that the printers were catching on fire?
Oh
Oh my god. Was she cute?
Oh
I basically swore up and down that none of my employees did it
You leaked it?
I dont know what the best plan is
Oh.
Two whistleblowers... two! I always thought Darryl and Pam might get me fired for something I said.
So see you in Merediths van in five minutes.
No
What do we got?
Its okay
Hey
Okay
No. Okay
Just dont say no.
Thats just what we need
Okay. You can count on me.
Hey Jo.
I was thinking about our little leak problem. I was up all lunch thinking about what we should do to this individual. You know what I think we should do? We make em come to work
What?
It doesnt matter what I know.
Why?
Well
What?
Are you going to kill me?
Are we going some place far away? I know you said no questions
I have rights.
I am not going to tell you anything.
Well
Whole year
And my new favorite restaurant sucks... I bought a video camera last year
Holly Flax from the Nashua branch. Best HR rep that Dunder Mifflin has ever seen. Its not been a blockbuster year for me financially. My Blockbuster stock is down.
Hmm
You know
I
We at Sabre have betrayed the trust that we have built with our customers. We regret our slow response and our lapse in candor and judgment. At this time
That was fun.
Thanks. Today helped.
Okay. Hey

I suppose summer had to end sometime. Its sad
Hes not the worst
Its just coffee
Okay
To get some ice cream for everybody. Its national ice cream afternoon. Great.
And another thing I did this summer
Having Luke here is a pretty big deal for me
Dont bother Luke.
That means dont. Havent you seen Ghostbusters
No
Come on. Okay
Because I dont want it getting back to Sabre that were yelling at assistants. I think it would reflect poorly on us.
Nope
Well
No. No
Luke is my nephew.
Yes
Do you think they should have had open auditions for the band Hanson? What if no one named Hanson showed up? That wouldnt even make sense. Or what if they just hired the littlest kid and a 50-year-old guy who was a murderer? Really safe.
God
Thank you.
No! No. Im just saying
Well
Because I wanted you to come to me and say
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Ok
All right
Ok
Im reconsidering sending them back anyway.
Wait a minute.
Dont-all right. Well
No
Because Gabe tattled. I was perfectly happy to just hide it from you.
You dont have all the facts.
I love him.
No. No. Hes my nephew.
Well
I will cover his ass like moss on a Mississippi tree stump.
Luke and I have been working side-by-side as master and commander. Me as master
Luke is going to use his laser pointer to point to account setup. You click on that first
Give me the pointer.
No
Okay.
All right. Okay. Good job. Okay
Okay
Ok
Im not kidding.
Give-okay. Alright
bending Luke over desk
Thats what youre going to do
I had to do that.
All right. Are we good?   Youre okay. Hes okay. There are many different schools of thought on capital punishment.
Yes
Would have been nice to work with my family. It would have been nice if Luke had been able to stay here. But he couldnt. These things seldom work out. I dont know how Ringling Brothers do it. Night after night
Thats it? Really? Thats nothing. All right. Thats highway robbery.
I can do that.
Okay. Wait
Is there another option?
This is the worst! You are the worst! I hate looking at your face! I wanna smash it!
Ok
I know what you want to ask me. Did your mom ever see you naked?
So you can molest me? Oh
One hour.
One hour. Weve done one hour. Lets just speed this up
No
You know
Yes
Toby
Well
And I was raised by wolves. I was 25 years old before I saw my first human being. Wait
Yes
This is plenty complicated.
Ive played it once or twice with Jeff.
Jeff was my mothers boyfriend
Yeah
Yeah. You know what? He took me to a baseball game once
I was afraid I would find him in the park
I guess thats why I thought he ran away in the first place. To find a kid he liked better.
Right. Why would a dog do that? Thats silly.
When I hear myself say it
Well
You. Bitch. God! Youre very helpful arent you? You try to help everybody. Do you want to play another game?
You are good. But you know what? You cant help people. You couldnt help your marriage. You lose. I dont need your help. Nobody needs your help. Nobody wants it! You cant help anybody. I dont need your help! Am I going to make you cry?
Ok.
Youll do. . . ok. Filled out. Good. Thank you doctor. Take two of these   and call me in the morning.
You forged them! You forged the forms!
Yes.
Yes
You dont make a mistake on purpose
That was amazing! That was awesome! I auditioned for this. When did the cast list go up?
Really? They didnt call me. Who am I playing? ...Andy?
Andy
How long is it?
Nope
They say that no one can take your pride
I cant Andy
Wow.
I wish I could
And scene.
Oh
I did
Yes.
Nope.
This is ridiculous. Youd think theyd discourage people from bringing in balloons.
No
Are you kidding me?
All right
Hello.
Okay.
Okay.
Yes.
Good.
You enjoy the second act.
Thank you. You
How is that funny?
Boo! Boo!
Mmm! Fruit is so much better when its dried. Ive already eaten
Yeah
Hmm? No
Get your eyes checked
Well
That would never happen.
Okay. I appreciate the feedback.
I dont like that at all.
Hey
Yeah
Oscar. Enough with the sass
I am not just saying that. You can trust that I am telling you the truth. I booed someone tonight. I have no filter. And if I thought you were terrible
I did not say that to make you feel good. I just said it. Total integrity.
Come on
In the criminal justice system
No
There are many reasons a man would wear a fake mustache to work.   He is a fan of the outrageous. He loves to surprise! He loves... other things as well.
Look
You mean cancer?
It is?
Just a cold sore
How?
What?
Yeah! My last physical when I was forty.
No! It was like four years ago!
Why at least? If youre guessing forty six just say forty six.  later in his office
How did this happen
You know what
Dont even! Holly was clean! Okay? If anything I gave it to her.
Oh my God! What if I did?
Okay! You know what? Might! Might be crawling with herpes. I might have gotten it after her.
Theres no way Im gonna do that.

Hi Donna. Its Michael.
I have a disease
I cant even say it. H-I...
...R-P-E-E-S
No
Does your stupid husband have it?
Yes I am telling you you have to get tested for herpes. Good-bye!
No this is Holly.
No this is Holly.
Busted. So what can I do for you Holly.
Oh really? Was anyone killed?
Any nuns?
Were they in the missionary position?
Do you ever wonder what life would have been like if you hadnt been transferred?
We would have twins.  Dwight points towards the corner of his lip
Mmhmm!
Mhhmm! We would be married.
Do what?
I dont romanticize th-   No...
He had no arms or legs
We were more than we were.
Ok
It didnt come up organically.
Its nice to see you doing so well.
Bringing home the bacon.
after long wait
He hasnt changed.
Am I the kind of person to misremember our relationship as more than it ever was?
What?
Well
Because we work together.
Am I the princess?
Ok
I have herpes.
I used to think that she was the one. Or at least A the one. And if I called that one so wrong...
You know
No
Yes
I know
Got it.
IM TRYING! GOD!
Hi stranger! Long time!
Im Michael. We dated for a while.
Oh hey! Dwight
Did I make more of what we had then what was really there?
Just a quirky indie movie weird sort of thing
Jerk.
Real entertainers
Carroll
Im great! I saw your-your sign outside. And I decided
No.
Weird...
He sounds like a nice guy.
Oh wow another living room!
You put the TV here
Someone told me that I romanticize relationships
I have herpes.
I just found out today. Its
Mmhmm
Im between specialists right now.
Well I believe in love at first sight.
I knew what I was thinking at the time
Hi Holly its Michael
Oscar
You may have given me a sexually transmitted disease.
Herpes duplex.
I have already contacted all of my ex-lovers except for you.
Flower shops
Moolit Gandala
An electric car dealership.
Oscar! Think abou- Think!
Look at that.
Nice!
She is a beaut!
Oh
Oh
Yes
I did
Oh
Ow!  grunts
Brainstorming session is now open. Anyone has an idea-  Hold on. Sorry
Oh
Its Jim
You need the big guns
I will see you in ten. Bye! Hold tight.   Well
No
No! Okay.   All right.
Oh
That...hello. Michael Scott
Nice to meet you.
Yeah
All right.
Buh-bye. I could swear that guy was a male model.
Oh
Okay
Its showtime! Oh...never mind. Lets go.
When I knock on your door
You know what? You are having some problems with your loading dock
And you know what else were gonna do? I cant believe Im gonna say this...we are going to offer you our paper at cost. I know. I could get in a lotta trouble for this
Shake it
Okay. Thank you.
Thanks
Stop it. Just stop it. We did what we should have done
How do I feel about losing the sale? Its like if Michael Phelps came out of retirement
You know who we always lose out to? Staples
Okay. You know what? You clearly dont care
Why dont you go outside and...take a shot of insulin and have a nap
I dont know
Oh
You know what this is? This is a stinger.
Like the movie.
Paul Newman
Shhh! Hey! Thats my mug.
Yes.
Oh
Testify.
Yeah
Okay.
Pull it together
Oh...my god! Hes making her sell to him.
Stay-
Oh!
Dont let us down.
No
Im goin in!
Stop
I said stop. Okay
Dont! Get away from him. Please
I owe you...a most sincere and humble apology. We were trying to watch you to see your sales technique
A surveillance room next to this one.
Yes. And its the sincerest form of flattery.
Well-
Okay. You know what
No
You are
So
Hold it
Answer the question. Do you want a better life
I know
Do you want more freedom
I can give you more money-theres your better life. I can let you come and go as you please-theres your freedom. And you already know Dunder-Mifflin has the best service and the best prices
Everyone
O-kay. You know what? No. No. This is not some sort of construction site...or all of Italy
No. No. No. Somebody in this office.
No
Yes.
No
I said no.
Were not-
Okay. Lets-all right
Guys
Okay. Well...get ready
No
He doesnt need to sit
Good-bye!
This morning
standing outside the conference room
A lot of people are really getting into Halloween this year!  puts head down over fake bomb made from cardboard
MACGRUBER!
Oh
OH! Who likes to water ski on Lake Erie? No wai-where does Dracula like to water ski?
So
Blackula!
Oh
Yeah. Im sorry. I blew this. You should have gotten credit for that
Really? Were good?
Okay.   Okay.
Oh. Its a ream of paper. Thought you might hit me.
Darryl Philbin is the greatest guy in the world. And you know what Id like? I would like to have all the racists brought together and take Darryl Philbin out to lunch. Just to see what theyre missing.
Erin! Would you please do me a solid and get Darryl Philbin on the speakerphone?
Hi
You need to stop being so shy
Yeah
This whole delivery slash sales idea? You know whose idea that was? That was Darryl Philbins. He thought of that way before the corporate fat suits.
I got in the way. I said no. And it just stopped. But then corporate comes up with this idea
And we are going to straighten this out.
Mmhm!
Im a little peeved at Darryl right now.
No
What is taking someone from behind?
It was a good idea
What the hell are they talking about?
Do you think that Kevin is going over my head? I dont-  Oh my GOD. Okay. All right. All right. You know what? Thats inappropriate
Oh
What did you just thought?
All right.
Okay.
Well
I-
Okay
You went over my head. And then you lied to my face. So my head and my face have taken a beating.
Okay
In front of me.
So thats it.
Is it?
Yeah
Still dont know who I am? Ill give you a hint. I go over other peoples heads.
Whats a bad idea?
NEVER!   Okay
Hey
Aaah! Darryl moved it. You moved it.
Dwight
If you had one word you would use to describe Darryl what would that word be?
Thank you.
If theyre good ideas
That was-okay
Oh...
Well...
Stop it! Stop
You dont have to point to the fact that were thinking about it. Stop it! Just let us think. Okay
I am not budging on the hat issue.
Okay. We both reserve the right to go to Jo if we disagree with Gabe.
Unless you and I decide we want to talk to Jo
Sorry I was a jerk.
Friends fight. Friends fight.
Thats true
Um... kay. Uh
Top of the Sunday morning to you.
Oh
I invited everyone in the office because its not a day for just Jim or Pam or the baby or me. It is about us all. And I thought we should all celebrate... my joy. And our
Hey. Hey. I got an offer that you cant refuse. Scooch over.
But Im the Godfather.
Are you talking to me?
Scooch. Before I shoot you in the head.
Yeah.
Im not the godfather.
So who is the godfather?
Okay. Old friend
No
I dont even know how to say this
Good morning.
Jim and Pam and Cece really seem to be clicking. They are totally gelling. Its as if they leave my office and they go to another office that sells happiness. And good for them. Thats great
Good morning.
Good morning.
How are you? Good morning. Good morning.
I am feeling this. Call it the Holy Spirit or the passion of the Christ. I am loving these people.
Oh
No
Thank you. You too.
You know what
Shh.
No.
Hey
Are you kidding me? Stop it.
Shh.
Look at that. Look at that. Thats fun. We need to do stuff together outside of work. Lets go help Africa. Lets go build an airport. Well start small. Well have a car wash. Well send some cheerleaders to regionals.
Yeah
Look at these people. These are church-going people. And they know how to party.
Well
No. Okay
Bye. Good luck. Good luck to you. Bye. Do good. Do good. Bye. Have fun. Were proud of you.   Bye. Okay.
Hey. Hey. Is this the bus to Mexico?
Ill take a shirt.
If youll have me
Really?  cheers
No
It is not irresponsible! I have never been more confident about a decision in my life.
You know what
Hey
Tell them that I died
Tell them that Im in a meeting.
No
Thank you.
See you in a few months.
Mm. Thats not gonna happen.
Well
How long till we get to Mexico?
Ooh. What are we building down there again? Like
Why arent they building it themselves?
Do we know how? I dont know how. You know how?
Carla knows. Oh
What is happening? Oh
Oh
And Cinco de Mayo.
No
Can you fake a seizure or a heart attack or something?
Do that. Do it.
Okay
Yeah
Stop the bus
I didnt sign up for this. You guys are young
Blah-di-blah!
We could go back and forth all day. Its not gonna solve anything.
Do you want that for little Jessica? No
Okay
Why quick?
Is anyone still at the church?
What? Shut up.
It is so nice to be back in a country that has movies.
They have him surrounded. Its the SWAT. The SWATs arriving.
Ok
There it is! I saw it! I saw it! He went right by! You missed it!
Grandpa
Walk with me.
Glee? What is Glee
Dwight! Sign please. I dont have time for parties I dont have time for TV shows. Stanley! What time is that thing I have to do?
Cancel it! Are you still here?
MMM MMM MM MM MM! Did you hear what I said? Im a very busy man. I dont have time for your TV show.
Im joking.
Im joking. Im kidding around! Im not actually angry.   Im not busy at all
You know who my favorite character is? The invalid.   I am coming to your party.
Kevin!
Yes
What? No Gabe is... Gabe is not the boss.
Why did you just say he was the boss?
Yeeee... Guys! Do you consider Gabe to be the boss?
Uh huh...
Big...
All right!
Okay okay okay.
Gabe likes to entertain a lot

Try and destroy the old ways
Wheres Michael? Wheres Michael? We cant start without Michael! Oh here he is! Ohhhh. Yayyy
Actually I think its not loud enough. May I? Thank you sah!  takes remote
Well some of us are trying to have a...
Well I will turn up the volume.
Okay... Heeeeres what were gonna do! Right down the hall is a bed room. All the real Glee fans are gonna go down the hall to the real Glee party in the bedroom
Pam I have a loaded gun in my desk at work. If I ever start acting like that weenie Gabe I want you to take that gun
Better men than Gabe have tried to be my boss. David got fired. Charles got fired. Jan went crazy. Ed Truck
Yeah
Is this the same dough you used for the pizza crust?
So these are pizza dogs
Well...
Hes the longest baby in this room.
You know what Erin you do have to.
Thats what she said.
Okay... Alright.
I just went out for a walk.
What? Really? That stinks!
What does that mean? Partys over? Everybody leaves? Are you sure?
Are you kidding me?
Now thats going on?
Boy I wish I could see that. You know what? I have an idea. I dont know if its gonna work
No I was just check- Yeah. Yes I did
What is there to like? Hes just
Why? Im not your father.   All right.
Go to your room.
Go to your room young lady!
You listen to me. You listen good. You are are not
As long as you are living under this roof you are going to do what I say.
Oh do not raise your voice to me!
Gahh
enters
Gabe
My Bad. Space Heater and Fan were both on high
Uh... try password.
Uh... it was like eight years ago?
Okay
You know what? It made me laugh when I heard it
The important thing is... this kept us secure people.
Morning.
Im Facebook.
I sent you a Facebook message yesterday
A what?
Dot com!
I think an investors ski trip is the best idea. It will be a bonding experience.
I was looking at a trail map
Your kidding?!
You and me.
Dont you work here full-time?
Mm-Hmm.
That does sound fun to me.
Excuse me
MONEY!
Pervert.
Thats good to know.
Wuphf! All right
Whoo!
We already have a buyer.
At least.
Thats right!
Wait
No
Look at that. Triple your investment by January.
There you go.
Do not talk like that
Here we go.
Its Ryan the WUPHF guy!
Hes up there.
Look at that! He threw em on the ground!
No
I wont sell. And you know what? Ryan and I have the majority of shares. Isnt that right?
I--yes. Were not selling. I will not sell.
Cant talk
We Dont? Well
Eight Years.
No
Right
I think you are wrong.
You may be right. I may be crazy.
Im just saying that I think I agree with your point.
I thought it might make me feel better.
But it just may be a lunatic...   No.
Good
Always have your back. So
Nine days
Yes
Maybe I could take a second mortgage on my condo.
So you would think thats a good idea for me to do?
Mm-Hmm.
Yeah
Tonight?
Oh right. What am I saying? Rain Check.
Hello.
I. Do not agree to sell
Im not blind! I know exactly who he is. He is selfish and lazy and image-obsessed
Only if he fails. And you know what? Ryan
You cant have it.
The world sends people your way... Ryan came to me through a temp agency. Andy was transferred here. No idea where Creed came from. The point is you just have to play with the cards that youre dealt.   Jim
Thank God.
Mmhmm
It was great. China.
Everything here was made in China
They used to make stuff in America
Yeah
I found that in the waiting room at the dentists office. This kid had the magazine I wanted to read
My whole life I believed that America was number one
What?
So much for keeping our secrets up high.
I know what were going to do. Were going to put our best minds on it.
Everybody stop working. I want you all to imagine a world in which America is not the number one superpower
Welcome to your future.
How do we stop it? With a big idea. Thats what America is built on
Yes
Once a week antacid is the idea to beat. Anyone else? Nobody? Okay then we are... yes.
I dont know.
Alright.
I dont know what the   that was.
No hes not right. Were not. Where would we even drop it
No
In terms of land
No
I got it from NewYorkTimes.com
So I happen to know more than the smartest guy in the office. So what?   I dont care.
Okay
Absolutely
Very comedically humorous Jim.
Try Control P.
Not if the printer isnt hooked up. You are making some very dangerous assumptions Oscar.
Hey.
Mmm.
Yeah.
Sure.
Coffee Jim.
Yes.
Alright
Im pretty good on politics. California is bankrupt
Pass.
Pass.
Lifeline.
I could talk about boobs. I bet he knows nothing about boobs.
Wait
Is it going to be worth it?
I dont need to cheat.
Did you know
Did you also know that China has secretly been expanding its nuclear arsenal. But what do I know
China has been loaning us billions upon billions of dollars. We are going to be owing them for the rest of our lives. And they will control us.
How then do you explain that in the past year manufacturing in China has risen by 17% and in the US it has only risen by 8%?
Dont... I...
Yeah
Wait. You forgetting something?
This chat. Two men
Here we are.
My point is... that as long as people like you and me dont stop talking
I am talking about freedom
Raise your cups on high. Case closed.
People
Thats it! Thats a picture! Yes! Jump in the air. Were gonna jump in the air. Here we go.
Okay
Dont answer that. People
I believe in us. We can do this. Here we go.
We didnt get it.
Oh
Hows everybody doing today?
Hows the party coming along?
Are we over budget?
No? Good. Did anyone get drunk already?
Good for you. Angela
So Stanley
Alright. Well
Whatcha got?
Well
My kids are growin up. As a boss
Yeah!
Pam? Pam?
Hi.
Uh
Yes
You know what you
That was the worst joke ever.
Okay. Okay goodbye
What? What?
Hold on
That is a great question
Hollys coming back
You know what
Cancel. Were canceling it.
No
No
I know.
Its not. Theyre not. Fresh and new. Please let go. Please let go.
Well then everybodyll chip in
You know what
Man
We have always had good Christmas parties here
Well
Okay. Sure.
You never know about the press.
Could he help us with some parking tickets?
Well
Okay.
Okay...   Oh
Pam
Yes
Theres nothing classier than boring Jazz music. I am here to tell ya. And I made a bit of a judgment call. I hired one musician
When Holly gets here
She doesnt need an internet presence
What the hell are you doing here? Youre supposed to be in the courthouse.
And then he will come back here and replace Holly
There she is. Hey. Erin
Hello.
Well
Why
Nyuk
Doh!
Hi. Hi. Oh...
Oh no
Thats adorable.
Well
Isnt it wonderful? We love it here. Dont you love it? All right
What kind of guns do you have? Six-shooter?
This is weird. I cant believe youre here. This feels like you never left. Doesnt it?
Oh...
Oh
Well
You know who my favorite character in Toy Story is? Andys mom.
Because without Andys mom
Youre kidding me. Ahh!
What a douche bag!
Get a... yeah! Good riddance.
Mmhmm.
Good for him.
Really? Thats creepy. How did AJ get in your house?
Oh
Yeah
Me too.
Hey.
Hey there
Its a sophisticated take.
Yeah
Nora Ephron
I guess there are just some people who you stay together with when you transfer
What if Meredith was taking her smoking break below that window? You know what would have happened? The shards of glass would have shaved her face right off. And
All this arguing reminds me of a very funny story. You see this on my desk?   Know who gave me this? My girlfriend Tara
I havent told you about her.
Im a man in my mid-40s and I still get zits. I think thats pretty interesting. But you know what? I am not on trial here. The Scranton strangler is. So
I do. She is.
Did you see her face? Well it seems to me that there is a person sitting out there in the annex that still has feelings for Michael G. Scott. And it aint Tara.
What happened? What happened? Toby
Oh
It is Christmas.
Mmhmm. Mmhmm. Well
Ahhhhhh!   Surprise! It was part of the party. Pretty funny
I dont. But someday I think we will laugh about this... when we tell our kids...
All right. Shh. Okay
Oh
When you got transferred
And we did this whole stupid party for you.
Mmm. Erin
Hey
Nice to see you again
Good trip down?
Good
I am dead inside.
Oh
Yup. I read this story about a woman who slipped on some black ice
Yeah
No
Really?
No.
Yeah. I mean
I was in the mall
No
From the mall. That...
Well
Hey.
Oh.
Thank you. A Hostess apple pie! This is my favorite breakfast. How did you know that? Thank you very much.
Oh
I think I know where he is.
Mmhmm.
Video games.
A DSi?
A horse.
You
All right. You have to pick up after them.
January three
Today will either be the best or the worst day of my life. Holly gave AJ an ultimatum. He either proposes by New Years or they break up. Now
Michael
Okay
Happy.
Sad. To soak up my tears.
Bears sad
Sad
For you
Both sad.
I did! I did
Shaaa-shut up. Hello.
So... high five me. Were back. To a happy...   look at those! Mittens. Are those a present?
Theyre so fuzzy and warm! Let me feel those. Let me feel that. Put er there. Give me a good firm... ooh! Thats a good firm handshake. Youre hired! Yes
Yes
Oh my God! Thats it! Thats it!
Happy! Happy
Im trying!
Im trying!
What?
Im not listening to music!
Go! Oh
Me? Okay.
Im good.
Oh my God!
Hello! Oh
That is neat.
E.T. phone Holly. Holly like phone?
Why?
Bummer.
Reeses Pieces.
I still have my old phone. This thing... indestructible.  slams phone on desk
Holly doesnt seem to be engaged
When you broke it off with Roy
But you did still love him.
Do you love him now?
No. Shed just resent me. Or worse! She would think of me as her friend.   Oh
You think shed talk to you?
Thats true. Shes really nice. Shed talk to anybody. Why dont you bring Erin to balance you out?
Or sooner.
Thats not a joke.
Is it?
Next year? Come-I mean
What is wrong with you people? Cant you stick to anything? Erin
Youre just gonna somersault around for the rest of your life and you know whats going to be on your tombstone? Loser.
Just do a cartwheel!
Eat it.
No. No cheese whiz
Eat it. Put it in your mouth
I dont care whether you hate it! You said youd do it!
Eat it!
All right
Let me see if you swallowed it
No! You cant have any candy!
Holly Flax.
Not Michael
Well
Holly
And I wanted to apologize. These resolutions should be about you
It was insensitive and I am sorry.
I really wanted you to follow through on your resolutions. The cartwheel
Youre right. And I hope that we can still be friends.
Okay
Okay.
No.
Yup.
You can toss them.
My resolution? I never want to make Holly cry again. Unless its from laughing too hard. Or making love too beautifully.
Look at where youre going to be doing the cartwheel. So look at where youre going to be placing your hands. So pick a spot.
You ready to do this?
You know what? Im going to stay here as long as it takes.
Its about you. Its about you. Go!
You did?
Okay.
Congratulations. All right. Well
Oh
English?
Oh no no
Im working on an English character. Would you mind gi... Its called Reginald Pooftah.
Michael Scott.

I do Ping. Herrow. I Ping!
No
Thats good. Pleasure to meet you.
Dunder Mifflin.
No
All right. See you around.
Bye-bye. What a nice guy.
Hello
Nein! Im greek! My name is Mikanos.
Okay.
I am the plant. Every great seminar has one. My job is to make the speaker look good
You know what might be kind of fun? I was thinking
Okay.
Holly broke up with A.J last week
If-a you change-a you mind
Ugh. Youre the fifth person to tell me that today.
Okay
Practice Olympics.
I like the musical Grease
Hello.
She will have a greekaccino.
It...
I cant believe-ee. Its a miracle. She can talk!
No more brain damage!
Dah
No
Andy
You
No
Almost as good as the first day when we first met. You are the love of my life. Come to me
What? Come on. Its time for grapes.   Real fun day.
Just a minute. How long do we have to wait?
You broke up with AJ weeks ago.
I dont understand. I really dont. I mean
Sure we do.
Why does the sun rise in the morning? Why do magnets stick together? Because everybody says so. Everybody.
Yeah
Yes I do.
Yes I do.
I have my own opinion and my opinion is to disagree with you.
Lets go.
Lets go!
Just drive faster. I want to get back.
Okay
No Im not. Im not in a bad mood. Im not
I need to pee.
Yeah
What part of I need to pee do you not understand? Im upset. My bladder is full. There is no telling what I might do right now all over the inside of your precious little car.
Well I hope I make it.
I know
There is no way he ditched me. There is no way that happened. Hes my... Ok. May I please just use your phone? Please!
Ok. I will make it quick. I will make it very quick.   And you dont have my numbers on speed dial. Ah
You know what
Actually this is good. I am going to take this opportunity to go walk-about. Good. Good.   Nope
Hey you guys. Listen to me. Dont get hung up on just one girl because there are a whole lot of other girls out there. Look over there. See? They look cute.   Hello! You guys are so beautiful. Youre so colorful. I wish I could understand you. Thats a metaphor I guess.   You are disgusting. Youll never find love. Yekkk.   Do you think she needs more time or is it never going to happen?   Im being serious. Seriously.
Hello. I would like a hot dog please. Now
Well I understand that but this is a $45 watch.
With that I can buy... half the menu.
All right. What do you do with the hog dogs that you dont sell?
Well
Okay. Youve just lost my business.
Oh
Okay. Ill be right back.  . Okay. You know what? Im sorry. Im sorry. I dont have my wallet and I was gonna try to dine and dash and that was stupid and I realize I cant do that to you fine people.
Well I can
Well the number three is not such a giant feast.
I am not. I just have had a bad day. And I... okay. Ill be back later with the money. Im just gonna leave right now.
Well
Hi.   How did you know I was up here?
I got turned around. I thought I could see Dunder Mifflin.
Yeah.   Wow. I just miss you so much.
Really?
Can I kiss you?
Okay.
Miss you. Okay. Ill be in my office if you need me.
Okay
Dont go. I dont want you to go. Oh dont go. Dont go.
Holly and I are dating. Its been a week
Are these numbers correct?
Okay.
Are you... are you sick
Sit. Okay
Oh

Yes. Michael Scott
Perfect. Yes. It is quite apro-propriate. Carry on.
What
Whispering and tickling have their place in business.
I... Okay
Thank you.
All right.
Okay. Fine. No more PDA.
You win. But heres what we are going to do. We are going to designate one of our closets as a hook-up zone.
Anything goes.
Okay
Pro.
What? Problem solved.
No
Ah
Since when is comfort the most important thing? I mean
Oh. Okay. Well
Holly and I are like Romeo and Juliet. And this office is like the dragon that kept them apart.
Hey
I love you.
I love you-love you.
I am really disappointed in the offices policy on PDA at this moment. I love you.
Yeah
Hello
Here
No
No touching. Ah
Oh.
Oh
I dont know what your body feels like cause I cant touch it.
Grab you here.
I will grab you here anyway.
Never.
I did say I would
Yes
Were not supposed to PDA.
I havent thought about you having to go back to Nashua.
Thats what we said last time. Remember? We broke up on the drive. Hows this gonna be any different?
I was in love with you.
chuckles
Its like a time bomb...
...is ticking down. When it goes off
Sexual time bomb.
Boner Bomb starring Jason Statham. Or we go against type with an Eisenberg or a Michael Cera.
No.   Saving the world has never been this hard.
No
Do the monkey face.
I love that. I love that face.
No. The monkey!
Dont do the squirrel. Throw your poop.
Thats good.
Thats good. Hes throwing it.
I know.
Holly. Hey.
Holly
Actually
Youre gonna go back to Nashua eventually
Who?
Okay. Okay.
Ladies and gentlemen
Well
I do.
What are our plans for tonight? Umm...
Leave it at reception.
Clean up on aisle five.  : Midnight titlescreen appears
After three years of writing
Erin... what are you doing?
Thats... Thats. Well
Sweet
Mhmm! Its got action
Its got a lot of me.
Ladies and gentleman
Dwight does not play a robot.
Im up.
Tell him Im retired.
Goldenface
Heads I do it
Im not here to learn how to mop
What am I supposed to do with this?
Michael and Goldenface skate around the rink
No!
Yeah?

Congratulations.
I am sorry that I have to do this...
Im so sorry. Im so sorry.
Not who
Bingo.

Jack Blaise.
By far and away
The jokes on you Goldenface
He said
Why are you telling me this?
Hey Goldenface.
Go puck yourself!
That was not scripted.
More Tylenol.
Itll take a lot more than a bullet to the brain
For the insurance money! I knew it all along!  the President
Where had I gone wrong? All I wanted was to start a family with my beautiful wife. But somewhere along the way
Beer me Billy.
I got problems Billy. Big problems...
Dont ever change Billy. Goldenface is going to blow up the NHL All Star Game tomorrow.
Im too depressed to save the big game Billy.
No Billy
Well my names Michael Scarn and Im here to say
turns off the movie from the remote
Well thats a... pretty good reaction.   Pretty cool
Okay.   No
Hey.
Mmmm
Did you? What did you love about it?
No
Is it
It was eleven years
I talk about a lot of things
Because
I have my book on business
Yeah
I am a huge Woody Allen fan. Although Ive only seen Antz
Who likes Threat Level : Midnight?   Okay then who wants to watch the rest?!
I know
This ones for you Cherokee Jack.
We filmed this during an actual Scranton High School Hockey Game
No
Hey...
No its not.   Its not. But
Cherokee Jack.

skates forward
Some breakfast for me   and some breakfast for you.
Oh yeah
Ill get it! Man I love being retired! Scarn here!
Hello sir.
Ugh...   Im in.
Oh yeah!   Yes he is!
No
Still not seeing the problem here.
It was the best of times
Hi.
Oh
Oh
And it also helps if youve had five shots.
Whoa!
Is Packer here?
Dont know
Yes! The Pack is back! Ladies and gentlemen
You did! You got burned
Special delivery for Dwight K. Schrute.
And I dont have anything for you. But I do wanna talk to you about something. We have been thinking about where Packer should sit... And we cant just sit around and wait for Creed to die.
So you wouldnt mind permanently relocating
Lets look at this.
Dont be a baby! Okay! There it is. Packer was here and so was your mom!  Todd starts humping Dwight and Michael who are still under the desk.
No!
Best day ever. Best day ever!
Question
Please.
Yeah
No. Not me
Whoa! Look
Hes funnier than me.
So Im less funny than not funny at all?
Uhm...
Thats insane!
And you made Hank smile
I dont know
Yeah.
I guess you said something weird about your daughter?
Youve been on the road a long time. And youve been an outdoor cat. And now you have to be an indoor cat
No it isnt.
Yeah
I wont.
Okay
Kevin
Okay
Kevin
Okay
That-That was maybe too much. Packer is a survivor of divorce Stanley. Packer doesnt speak with his child
I was going to say dogs! Okay
What are you doing?
I cannot believe this
Okay
You have to tell him. You have to tell him what you did.
He is my oldest friend
Yes
Well... I dont know if thats a good idea.
No
Sorry?
Sounds great.
That is.   Its gonna be awesome. I think youre really going to enjoy it down there.
Nah
You ahh.
No you ahh.
You ahh.
I uh... I actually dont know why I brought that because Its kind of priceless.
Mhmm
500.
Get lost.
That is how you do it.
You know its really more for a bachelor pad. I just want to get a fair price.
In case... in case of what?
I dont have an in case. Do you have an in case?
Get lost.
Yes
Hi.
Oh
Well
Im asking Holly a question in fire.
Maybe.
Hey you know what? Ive got gas all over my hands and my shoes. Would you light it? Would you do the honors please?
Pam.
I am not in the mood for riddles pam.
No
Why?
I did?
Ok. Thank you all for coming. I would like to talk to you all today about... recycling.
Yes.
I could not have agreed with you more.
Yes. Thank you.
No
I had a great idea until you ruined it.
How about this I throw a corpse dressed like me off of the roof
Its easy enough to get a corpse
Heres the ring.
Yeah. I saved 3 years salary.
Is she not going to like that?
At a gas station?
That mush have been a surprise when... at the gas station you proposed.
Oh yea you didnt say that the weather was bad that sounds perfect. I want this to be an event that everyone talks about always and forever.
I just... its terrifying.
I know but Im still scared I dont know why.
Get this... Kevin thought I was gonna sell my Bowflex for 200 dollars and I told him Dude this was a prop in my movie.
Ok its because we havent sold anything. You know what? We just wait until the end of the day
Oh ok. For how long?
Is he alright?
You ok?
Yeah
Ok.
No
No. I am not going to be proposed to in the break room. That is not going to be our story. Mhm hm. Should have burned this place down when I had the chance.
Hey
Thats great and we still have most of our stuff. Good.
No
Shhhh. Lets go on a little walk. You know what? I wanna show you some stuff.
So this is one of my favorite places in the world.
This is where Toby announced that he was going to Costa Rica. Happiest day of my life. Until the day you came to replace him. Lets go in here.
This is where we first kissed.
And this is where we first made love. Remember what I tried there?
Through these blinds is where I first saw you
In-grown hair.
Right in here... this is where we first co-ran our meeting. Remember
We saved a lot of lives that day. Thats where you first met Michael Klump.
And right over there is where you found out that Meredith was prostituting herself for Outback steak. And I will never forget that you had the cutest look on your face because you couldnt believe it
And over here..
Well
Lets go in here.
This is where our love faces its toughest test. After this
That guys got more than he can handle as it is.
That marriage would be a sham.
Easy no.
That would be hot. I would pay to see that.
Only one that I was kind of worried about.
This is where I fell in love with you. And this is where I ask you to marry me. It started with..   Holly Flax
Thank you. So guys
Yep.
Holly has to go back to Colorado. Im going with her. Im leaving.
Kahlua Sombrero
Actually
Oh
And to middles
Do not tell my fiance Im drinking on a Wednesday.
Im moving out to the burbs... actually
Yep. Dont mess with Colorado.
No
You know
Thats what Ive heard.
Oh yeah? Me too. Summer or winter?
Really? What happened?
Oh... wow. The mountains. Where things are.
Man
No
You are? What bar?
I... do not see you.
Im been here about... gosh
Whatre you wearing?
Are we both at the right place?
I hear your voice.
I see your voice in the phone. Oh
Wow... that is insane!
Here we go! Are you ready?
Alright! Here we go!
This is it. What do you think?
pops up from below camera
Ok
Come on out!
I am well
And we talk for like 20 minutes
I happen to like the hilarious hijinx I get myself into. There he is! Deangelo
Oh yeah... I know... thats what I was just saying... thats what...
This is Jim and Pam
Yes it was.
Are you kidding? Id come anywhere to see a turtle? Whered you find him.
You know me very well
Now Im gonna have to go online and look at turtles or Ill be off all day.
So you decided to have an orgy and not invite me? I call the middle!
I sorta like the old way.
I know
Is that good?
Well
You can do the old way or whatever you think would work.
Shave me.   This is going to be funny! Looks like we are going to be shaving buddies!
And this is Erin and she is going to shave my face. Here we go.  Erin puts too much shaving cream on Michaels face
It really does. This is luxery. Here we go. Ah
Well
Thats-
You know what
Ok
Dont shave my lips.
You know
I still have to look at this stuff
Deangelos great. I love the guy. But Im not sure hes a great fit for the office. And also
Snack time! Its the witching hour! Its the sandwitching hour!
PB and J
I think Kevin wants one. Kevin
What?
Oscar
No one had a problem with the air here until you came around.
No
No
Well
I start with some chit-chat and a maybe a couple of jokes. And you might want to develop a couple of characters. You know what
Ok.   Why did you have to be so damn good?
No
Youll figure it out.
It is six a.m.   and we are about to go house to house to give everyone their Dundie Nomination Certificates. Just like the Oscars!
Every year! This happens
Why do you always say that? Youre gonna love it.
Alright lets go!   This way
Surprise!
You and Pam have both been nominated for Dundie Awards!
Here we go! Have Pam come down.
Congratulations!
We got it.
Yeah thats fine.
Hey Toby! You suck!
Go go go go go go!
arriving at a dumpy looking
Here we go
Yes you did. Thats right! Congratulations Meredith. We should head out.
Go.
Good morning Erin.
You have big plans for tonight?
You are getting so funny!   Very good.
The Dundies are my baby
Anything can happen at the Dundies!   Theyre like the Golden Globes but less mean. And I just want all of us to have a good time!
Black tie optional.
A la
Shh
So as you know
Think of it as part of your training.
Okay
You are doing it.
Guys! I want you to help us work on some banter.
Here we go! So
Okay
Mmmmkay. There needs to be what you call a rat-a-tat. And right now its all rat and no tat. Ryan come on up here. Tap DeAngelo out. Just watch this. Okay.   Ryan how are you today?
There you go! Lovely! Regis and Kelly! Nice! Use that as an inspiration. Just be funny.
No! God!
No
Jim
This is my last Dundies ever
Good. Good. Good!
Now
Too personal. I dont wanna hear about it.   Lets try this. Put these on.   I am going to turn this on
Say it with an accent!
The Dundies!
Im here.   In a good way! Ive been here the whole time.
DeAngelo
No
Listen to me
Youre doing this for all those kids out there
Say it.
You can do it
Now hit me.   One
Alright
Okay! Okay! Sorry about the delay everybody! But we were at the DMV waiting in line.
There are a lot of great salesmen in this office
Well done.
Which moves us to
Year after year
Stanley Hudson is a grump
You know
There you go.
It is difficult to recognize the person who will be replacing you. But he is a good guy
DeAngelo is expressing himself.  manager pulls the microphone cable
Okay
Were done. Were done!
Outside of the restaurant
What?
No
So what youre saying is you kinda like it?   Ive fallen and I cant get up!   That Phyllis bit
That got a big laugh.
to Stanley
Were really close.
Thats true
You know
Man! Maybe you should have won the Kind of a Bitch Award.
What is your problem?!
Okay! That
He is in an all-out sprint.
Here...   Okay! By his own omission
Oh
Oh my God
Yeah
No its not.
Here he comes! Alright! You deserve it!
Well
Yes?
Ahh
Oh
Sick freak! What is wrong with you?
I dont own Dunder Mifflin
Well
...in order to feed the bears.
How do you mean?
Okay
Okay.
Hm?
Well I have interviews.
Yes. Yes
Oh you dont
That sounds good. Thank you.
Sad? No
There they are! Party Planning Committee together again!
Mmm!
You know what
Tomorrow I want everyone to have a good time. No drama. And as for today
What do you like Pam?
What kind of toppings would you like?
Sounds good. Fudge it up!
I bought this for myself. And yesterday
pulls out a list of everyone in the office
When Phyllis was in high school
Ahh.
Sounds great
Stanley
Well
But youre the best salesman
You sold us all on Andy
Youre not gonna lose them.
Just do your best! I have faith in you.
Kevin
You know who that is?
Dont be a caricature Kevin
Good
You will find love.
Dont be. You should never settle for who you are.   Oscar
Okay
It looks like a   It looks like it was made by a two year old monkey on a farm! He just accepted
Was it just me
How would you have wanted to do it? Okay
Mmhmm
Sure!
Whos that? Whos that guy?
I guess this could be the one
My last pay check?
No.
Im not sure
Nah
Yeah.
I cant do this. All the channels are gonna be different there. Im not gonna be able to find my shows. Im not going to start improv at level one
Hi. What is the name of our town?
No
Yes.   Yes my hero!
Ohh
Okay. Ill see you tonight. I love you.
Yes
grimaces and nods
Kelly! Kelly? Kelly.
If I just went away right now
in Ryans office
Yeah.
Youre not prone to seizures?
Um
Okay...
Darryl!
I would like to give you
Mmmhmmm. Its true. Darryl
No problem. Worth a try.
Darryl said I could use the bailer because Im leaving.
Alright guys
Catch you guys-   Catch you guys on the filippity flip.   Flippity flip!   Flippity flip!  makes it in
Kevin?
Ahhhh...
Maybe neither.
Erin
N-
Okay.  both chuckling. Michael leaves Erin
Phyllis. Phyllis
Listen to me. Its two p.m. From now until four
Dwight
So I wanted to give you that.   Its a letter of recommendation.
in the office
You should see the other guy.
Jim where is Pam?
But it is already three oclock!  Michael leaves
in his office talking to Creed
Yeah I was tripling up. Theres not enough time in the day to have a special moment with everybody.
And you
No
standing in front of his office
What is this meeting about?
Okay
Well power through the arthritis Phyllis you can do it!
Umm
Ummm... Hm... No.   No. Theres a special guest that I would like to invite to say one last goodbye. So here he comes
Sure.   Be right out!
Ohh...
Okay...
Maybe.
Why am I so sad? Am I doing the wrong thing?
T-Shirt idea
Oh
Oh shoot! Thats my cab.
Alright.
I know
I am looking forward to lunch. And hearing about what a great boss I am.
Okay...   Phyllis.
No no no
Later guys.
Got almost everybody. So... Hollys my family now.  you see video of Michael getting into the cab
putting his shoes back on
Thats what she said.
I feel like all my kids grew up and then they married each other. Its every parents dream.
