Its nice. I know.
Hi.
Oscar. A pleasure.
Thank you so much.
Im just so touched that shes so interested in my work.
You see
Do I look like someone who would waste my own time?
Will you be heard? Will you have a voice? Will I steamroll over you? Do you feel heard right now
That was your choice
Yes. You do.  nods at the Search Committee
Ohh
That business cant attract anyone. Its awful up there. Those people seem like theyre in prison
I just did.
Its done.
I know you now
I saw an episode of how they make paper on Sesame Street.
I will get offered the job. Thats a... call Ive received many times. The slight hopefulness in their voice
Hello.
Describe your day so far.
And when you recount your day
What are your thoughts.
Yes
Great. Thank you.
What is this?
You read my notebook? And photocopied it. And distributed it.
Ah
Some people doodle at work when they let their mind run. They draw houses
Might as well have been sketching a cube.
enters room
Jim
Sesame street.
Elmo
Sesame Street was created to reflect the environment of the children watching it. Complete self-absorption of Elmo is brilliantly reflective of our time. Ours is a cultural ghetto. Wouldnt you agree.
I just think you guys are winners and I wanted to have lunch with you.
No.
I dont- I dont wanna say-
No
Ha
Probably shouldnt have said that.
I never said that.
Let me tell you some things I find productive. Positive reinforcement. Negative reinforcement. Honesty. Ill tell you some things I find unproductive. Constantly worrying about where you stand based on inscrutable social clues. And then
Im not gonna change my list
I did not know about the sales figures.
Are we done?
You want a three and half day weekend for Columbus Day?
And you are aware that Columbus and his legions committed genocide against an entire civilization of Native Americans.
Hello
Id love some coffee.
I was looking over your projections
Andy
Vanilla? No no no no. Youll never guess in a million billion years youll never guess.
Andy
Oh! Thank you. Uh....
You can just put it down.
That is very cold.
Why would I.....?
You like her.
She likes you.
Im afraid youve lost my interest.
If the office superstore was supposed to put us little suppliers out of business
Ah...
Oh
Its a wrong answer.
Take a look at where you are
Let me tell you how I buy something these days. I know what I want I go on the internet
Double.
Im not kidding.
Double.
Why did I choose Andy to run the office? Because hes all surface
Theres something about an underdog that really inspires...the unexceptional.
Andrew
Well
You dont want to hear the other one. You love marmalade.
Its a basil plant.
I also mentioned the marmalade to my sister and shes very interested.
Well
Hello Andy.
Thank you.
Yes
Andy
No
Ill say a few words if thats alright with you
You people say I led you
Forget the beets. Concentrate on the hosting. I could spend a considerable amount of money having my birthday party here.
Of course I am not interested in goats. Why would you spend so much time going over the goats with me?
Well talk.
Are you sure?
My body has somehow become acclimated to southern Italy. Isnt that strange? Ive never been there! Oh
Yes
Everyone
Here
Oh
Well
Extraordinary. Did you plan this?
Delightful.
Now then
Just fine
You feeling fulfilled in your life?
You guess? So
Because its too terrifying to imagine. Now were cooking. What is it
Yes. Dying alone
What are we talking about?
You seem unimpressed. Ghosts dont scare you?
Its true. Theyve been preserved for thousands of years. Theyre all over.
Why didnt you simply ask Andy to clarify? Asking is a very easy thing to do. Youre obviously very close.  . Oh I see. This no longer seems like my business  .
You were going to talk at the end of the... Im not here.
Im never uncomfortable.
I should go.
Looks terribly real
Are you scared of snakes?
What am I up to?
When I was a boy
The crib was full of dirt. Baby struggled to free itself from underneath
Amongst them was a man
Almost instinctively
Fear plays an interesting role in our lives. How dare we let it motivate us. How dare we let it into our decision making
This is atrocious.
The ticketing software paints a picture of a sloppy
Did you need something from us?
Last week an accounting mistake resulted in a client getting their order for free.
Who are they?
Andrew sometimes I feel like you dont know me at all.
Simply...end the mistakes
When I come back next week and this report shows me no mistakes
End the mistakes. That is all I ask.   And you cant have a favorite Iron Chef. It depends entirely on the secret ingredient. Sometimes I feel you dont know food at all.
Ill see you next week Will.  at the club
Jim what are you...What a surprise.
Yeah.
A game or a match?
In the box.
Sounded like mine.
Well
Can I have it?
Yep.
Whoa
ha
Nah
Yeah.
Its the standard one. The one everyone has.
It depends Jim. Do you find one-day only Jet Blue sales to Buffalo interesting?
My serve!
Take it easy. Nice and easy.
Oo!
You alright?
Skinned knee.
Oo
Okay. My serve.
Just taking a stroll. What exactly have I stumbled upon here?
Youre a band.
I miss being in a band.
Tambourine? You know Im the CEO
I play harmonica. I think I have one in the car.
to the keyboardist
Darryl
You guys mind if they join us?
What should we play?
Midnight Rambler?
Oh
Where is everyone? Where is Andy?
Well
So
I am so eager to hear your game-changers. Lets dig in
Absolutely.
This idea hasnt gripped me. What else did you come up with?
That was bad.
The situation you described
No.
I am not.
Kevin
Cookies. Cookie placement.
Who else agrees with Kevin
Interesting. So what is Dunder Mifflins oatmeal cookie? What is the product that no one wants?
Thats the oatmeal cookie. Fantastic
And why is Black Rock suddenly the paragon by which all hedge funds must now be compared?
Right. I mean youre an accountant. Those bogus prospectuses must drive you insane.
Kevin!
Big Mac idea. That sounds encouraging.
Well what is the idea?
Oh my. It was just actually cookies the whole time?
In four seconds my wife is going to be coming through that door. I told her she could work here. Under no circumstances can that be allowed to happen.   There you are! Honey how on earth could you miss the elevator?
Everyone. Id like to introduce my wife Mrs. Robert California. Mrs. California this is everyone.
Last night at dinner Susan and I were talking about her returning to work. So shes here today to see if theres a good fit. Something tells me it just might work out. This is Andy Bernard the regional manager.
Andy would you be so kind as to show Susan around the office. Show her the various departments. Find a place where shell shine.
Andy. Lets see if theres a good fit first. Then well talk.
Two secretaries could convey a sense of importance and success to our clients. Certainly worth exploring  wouldnt you agree Andy?
Good. It seems like you have this under control. So Ill just duck out and run the company for a while.
Are you telling me that theres no one in this entire office that could use an extra pair of hands?
I am the CEO and I am telling an employee of mine what to do.
No. Absolutely not. Andrew there must be something you can do. Think.
I would be eternally grateful. Its not a bad thing to have the CEO owe you one.
Say hello grandma.
Hold one finger up to Susan. Youll just be a second. You numbskull. You were given a very simple task. I could not have been more clear with you. Now say
Why can you not say exactly what I tell you? Undo this. Undo it.
Andy! Andy
Please. Andrew
Oh
Well thats a shame.
Where did this come from? Did Andy say that?
Whats the struggle? He made a great call
Absolutely.
No games.
Okay
Andy
No games.
You lying son of a bitch!
Tell my wife youre lying.
This is preposterous.
Lets get Jim in here.  Jim shoves out of fram in his chair
Can you call security
Thats weird. Well
Hello Jim.
So I think you know what we want to know.
Yes.
No.
All right. Thanks.
Yeah.
Heh.
Hello
The five day Hindu celebration in December honoring the god Ganesh
Hey!   Oh!
I actually appreciate the human intimacy. Feel like a kitten being cradled by a gorilla.
Its been ten days since I had sexual intercourse.
I hope so. The corporate party was wretched. I am so tired of the Black Eyed Peas. Its rock-n-roll for people who dont like rock-n-roll. Its rap for people who dont like rap. Its pop for people who dont like pop.....ah
Erin
Now why would you come to a bar and ask for a cola when you can get some from the kitchen? Did some small part of you want something a little stronger? Ryan
The fifth one is for you
Mmm. Wow.
Jiminey Christmas indeed.
Oh.
She
Lets you and I take a walk. Oscar
Your heart is broken. So is mine.
And what?
No   my god.
Ive been married thrice and each has ended in an acrimonious divorce
Erin
Dwight.
You made it.
Impressive initiative. I dont know whats worse
Dwight. Today is not my day at all
No
Gabe
Its a command.
Dwight! How nice of Gabe to show you where I live. Come around. 102.
Shalom.   Give us just a minute. Stu and I are just finishing up our lesson. Trust me. One nine-minute bout is a cardiovascular equivalent of running uphill for three hours.   I could go to the gym three times a week or I can wrestle Stu once a month.  slaps the mat
Guys
They havent really improved on the Oreo
Sit down
You were dining alone? All those people are you?
Ah-ah-ah- your drive
This medal was my grandfathers. He received it for acts of courage. For excellence. Its a tribute one man gives another. I could give you a job
Dwight
Im selling the house
Its mid-recession in a depressed area of a faltering state and Ive got the most expensive house on the market. The one percent are suffering too
What could you possibly have found funny in what I said? What was the joke you thought you heard?
Oh yes. How hilarious it is to laugh at clowns
A beautiful monster cost me my forties and my dream home. I think Im entitled to the occasional bad day.
What
You know I suppose someone should enjoy the place before I hand it over to the staging experts at Remax tomorrow. Lets try this: everyone
You should see the whole thing.
Im just about to give the tour.
Join us. You must see what you were laughing about.
Here we have the parlor. I imagined people would set down their coats and symbolically their inhibitions. This was the gateway. You enter this room a lawyer
Wine collection.
About twelve hundred. What the hell
Oh.
Jim
I dont know. Maybe not. Just come.
I pictured myself here every night eating a leg of mutton
To the kitchen. Onward!
I had two bears sewn together to make this king-size. Total waste of two bears.
When I put in the screening room
And of course
Gentlemen
Yes
Nellie.
How are you adjusting to life in Scranton so far?
Good.
Ah
Now. Lets find you something fun to do here
We have a manager.
Excuse me
Andy
I dont care
He just hung up on me mid-sentence.
Not much we can do about this until he gets here.
Sometimes the flowers arrange themselves
This is an odd situation. But its very interesting how its playing out.
We live in this world of routines and rhythms. Kevin ate someones lunch. Phyllis has a new necklace. Who is this woman?
I am not. Huh.
Let me guess
Jim
Jim
When two animals are having s*x
... is communicating a message to the other. Nothing is mutua-- this isnt very helpful. Youre gonna want to hear the sexual metaphor.
All life is s*x. And all s*x is competition.
And there are no rules to that game. That wasnt so perverted
My point is
Look at this wonderful recognition of Nellies leadership. I believe.
Good morning
Is this a video conference youre having with Drake
People
Nellie
Ah.
Ive never believed willpower was very important in a woman.
I dont think you would have shown up to work nearly an hour late for no reason.
No
Nellie?
Youre clearly under a lot of... stress with the moving and the work situation youve found yourself in.
Lets help her out
The rest of you
This humble but sincere effort is all for our valued new colleague. Excellent.
Cheers.
no
Oh
Why is Jim treating the magician poorly?
Well Nellie
Interesting. Yes. No
Nellie! Youve been terrific in your interim capacity. But
Im sorry?
Im not accustomed to people saying no to me.
Youre both adults. Im sure you can figure this out between yourselves.
I never allow sexual desire to influence a business decision. So I find it best to excuse myself temporarily until Ive had a chance to make love and then go back and analyze the situation rationally. Buffett operates the same way.
Andrew
It seems Andy is the only one with this problem. Fascinating.
Jim
No
Andy
I almost didnt come in today.
Andy
Andy
Andy
Excuse me?
Well you cant say no.
Look
Andrew
Ugh
Andrew.
I stepped in right away and start--
Well...
So
and the hero
Andrew
Andy you should leave. Now.
Thank you. Why do we love dogs? Want me to tell you why? There is no answer. Our love for them confounds reason!
The state senator
Bella here was a therapy dog for ten years. when her owner passed away she came to this organization for placement. But people dont often adopt older dogs
Andy
Andy why dont we discuss this at a--
Everyone
Shh... shh...
Can everyone just
Closing the Binghamton branch never occurred to me before today. Or
Wonderful.
Pam
Apparently
Yes
Lets do it now. Whats number one?
There we go.
Wheres the Advil
Andrew
Oh
Harry...
How do you mean?
Harry there is a time for every decision
I have decided. Neither of you are to have any contact with either Prestige or any other Binghamton client until I have figured out how to divide things up. As Solomon once said...
Shaping a company is
Hmm.
Excellent. Excellent. Though troubling that your first instinct is thievery.
Now we get to the bottom of Nellies yes
Oh yes it can.
Shopaholic.
Yeah.
Ah.
Pam
No
Pam
Erin.
Who is it?
Yeah
Youre blackmailing me.
Ah
No
-pep talk. Sexuality is a spectrum. Its a paradox to think of any sexual activity as normal. It gets better but it also gets vastly more complicated.
Ow! Damn it
Fine.
Andrew
Everyones better than this
Oof.   Wouldnt wanna be a Sabre employee right about now.   Im actually the CEO.
Hey
Likewise
Id love to give you a little rundown on what Ive learned about this place.
Please.
David has generously offered to donate one million dollars in matching funds to a cause thats very dear to me. So
Oprah Winfreys leadership academy and other schools like it
Yeah
Its been a great year.
Dont worry. Ive scheduled a press conference for later today. We just need to face the camera together. A beloved public servant and his devoted wife. And move on.
I would just to start by saying that there have been some rumors about my personal life that I would like to settle once and for all. As my long-suffering wife can attest... I am gay.
Ill say it again for mis amigos latinos. Yo soy homosexual.
I once believed that a gay person could be somewhat straight. It wasnt until my marriage to Angela that I realized how...charmless I find the female body.
Theres someone else I need to thank. His name is Oscar Martinez.
Oscar is the one who opened my eyes to who I really am. For the first time—
--with this new self-awareness
Whos pumped for the quarter finals
Alright. Sounds like somebody wants to walk away with this.  holds up large check for $2
