All right Jim. Your quarterlies look very good. How are things at the library?
So youve come to the master for guidance? Is this what youre saying
All right. Well
Yes
Ive
If you think shes cute now
Any messages?
Oh! Pam
Its called the wastepaper basket! Look at that! Look at that face.
People say I am the best boss. They go
Whassup!
Whassup!
Whass...up!
Strains
OK. All right. See you later.
Back to work.
Corporate really doesnt really interfere with me at all. Jan Levinson Gould.   Jan
Um... Me no get an agenda.
I didnt get any agenda.
Really? I didnt...   Did we get a fax this morning?
Why isnt it in my hand? A company runs on efficiency of communication
Yeah
Yeah
OK...
No
All the alarm bells are kind of going... ringie-dingie-ding!
OK. No problem.
Me no wanna hear that
Question. How long do we have to...   Oh uh
Oh
Uh
Oh
No
Am I going to tell them? No
Hey.
Guilty! Guilty as charged!
Howard
Watch this. This is Moe. Nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck. Mee!   Ah
Relax. Everythings under control. Uh
Come on. Six-Million Dollar Man! Steve Austin! Actually
Im sorry?
If youre unhappy with your compensation
I think Im a role model here. I think I garner peoples respect.   Attention all Dunder Mifflin employees
People I respect
Now I know theres some rumors out there and I just kind of want to set the record straight.
Assistant to the Regional Manager.
Im about to tell everybody. Im just about to tell everybody.
You dont know what it is.
I dont need your permission.
Corporate has deemed it appropriate to enforce an ultimatum upon me. And Jan is thinking about downsizing either the Stamford branch or this branch.
Not gonna happen.
It wont be out of my hands Stanley
No.
Well
I know. Hold on a second. I think Pam wanted to say something. Pam
Well
No
Watch out for this guy. Dwight Schrute in the building. This is Ryan
Introduce yourself. Be polite.
Assistant to the Regional Manager. So
Thats his profit.
OK. Hold on
What is that?
No
Discipline. Kinky!   All right
And yeah
Nice. Thats the way it is around here. It just kind of goes round and round.
Hey! Yes! New guy! He scores.
Pudding. Pudding... Im trying to think of another dessert to do.
So have you felt the vibe yet? We work hard
You are gonna be my accomplice. Just go along with it
Just follow my lead. Dont pimp me
Oh
Why? Well
Post-it Notes.
50 cents
Yeah. I am.
But the best thing about it is that were not going to have to give you any severance pay. Because that is gross misconduct and... Just clean out your desk. Im sorry.
You been Xd punk!   Surprise! Its a joke. We were joking around. See? OK. He was in on it. He was my accomplice. And it was kind of a morale booster thing. And we were showing the new guy around
I dont know about that.
What is the most important thing for a company? Is it the cash flow? Is it the inventory? Nuh-uh. Its the people. The people. My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17% or when I cut expenses without losing a single employee. No
Hey
Gotcha. Good. Id go with the rows. Thats a good idea.
Today is diversity day and someones going to come in and talk to us about diversity. Its something that Ive been pushing
Hey
Did you have a good weekend going there?
Oh yeah
Right. See? I dont even know
Oh hey
Its diversity day
Come on people
You know what? This is a color-free-zone here. Stanley
Exactly
With tolerance.
Ignorance.
Lets celebrate.
Celebrate good times. Come on! Lets celebrate diversity. Right?
You know what? Heres what were going to do. Why dont we go around and everybody... everybody say a race that you are attracted to sexually. I will go last. Go.
Yes.
OK.
Hey
OK. Why dont we just defer to Mr...
Ah. Oh
How come Chris Rock can do a routine and everybody finds it hilarious and ground-breaking and then I go and do the exact same routine
I will play the Chris Rock guy. I would like to see someone else pull this off.
OK
OK.
Kevin is a great guy. Hes a great accountant. He is not much of an entertainer.
OK. Im sorry. Im sorry. Hes ruin... Hes butchering it. Could you just let me...   Every time... Every time black people want to have a good time
They always want credit for something they supPOSED to do!
What you want a cookie?
I dont think I can sign this.
Well
Sure.
Heres the thing. This office
OK
OK.
Well
I wont.
Yeah
I regret my actions. I regret offending my coworkers. I pledge to bring my best spirit of honesty
I pledge to always keep an open mind and an open heart. I do believe... in that part of the pledge I that just read. But a pledge? Come on. I mean who are we
All right? Everybody pretty? Come on. Here we go. Its time. Lets do some good.
Get out.
No
Hi. Im Michael Scott. Im in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton
OK. Questions? Comments? Anybody? Jim?
Yes. I only had an hour to put it together but Im going to add on to it later on.
Uh
Yeah
Two fifteenths.
Well
Oh
Wow.
Wow. That is... That is a great story. Thats the American Dream right there
Um
Well
Like... I dont... I dont know.
No. Now
...empathy
I have something here. I want you to take a card. Put it on your fore... Dont look at the card. I want you to take the card and put it on your forehead and... Take a card
Why? Because Martin Luther King is a hero of mine. Theres this great Chris Rock bit about how streets named after Martin Luther King tend to be more violent. Im not going to do it but its...
Oh this is a good one.
Push it.
Good. Bom bom bom-bom bom. Come on Olympics of Suffering right here. Slavery versus the Holocaust. Come on.
No
Pam
Youll notice I didnt have anybody be an Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. No pun intended. But I just though. Too soon for Arabs. Maybe next year. Um... You know
OK. All right. No. Its good. You just need to push it. You need to go a little bit further. All right. OK.
Voice raised
Oh! Welcome to my convenience store. Would you like some googi googi? I have some very delicious googi
All right! All right! Yes! That was great
I just hated it when that guy was in here. Mr. Brown
Okay
What?
That doesnt really make sense. Because you dont call them collared people
Pam. Pamela. Pam-elama-ding-dong. Making copies.
Lets go. Messages. Stat. Lots to do
Lay them on me. What?
Thats not what you said earlier.
The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers
I am going to go with the best
I think it was you who didnt look closely enough at the Gold Plan.
Well
You gotta crack these things open.
Well
Well
There
When have you ever done that?
Jimbo! Ha haaaaa. Ah.
Theres a decision that needs to be made
Yeah!
Really?
Ah
You can use the conference room as a temporary workspace.
Nope
Temporary workspace. You can use it.
If Dwight fails
Pam
Oh
Pam! Whoa
I have to make a call after I finish... my work. You know what? Uh
Thank you
Ah
Ah
Is it a good plan?
Cuts? What? Wow
No
OK? All right. Do we feel good? All right. Good. Plus
Do I know what the surprise is? Hell no! It doesnt matter. The point is
You know what? Come with me. We are going on a little mission. Operation Surprise.
Um
So
Yeah
Calling you to ask you a little favoroonie my friend. Um
Its says here that its a 300ft drop.
So its not a free fall?
Uh
OK
Hey
Why dont you just eat it
There you go.
Uh
Oh
Well
Uh
Oh come on! Thats horrible! Aaah... Thanks
Oh... Yes. Exactly. Thank you Angela
All right
When I am backed into a corner
God
Robin Williams. Oh
Oh! God. Dwight
Theres no downsizing.
Assistant to the regional manager Dwight.
Look
But theres no downsizing
Mmm
It looks like theres gonna be downsizing. And its part of my job
Get set for Operation Morale Improvement starring Michael Scott. Now
Who is it? Whos the birthday?
Next person on the...
...calendar.
Yes! All right
Um... uh
Yeah
Brrrp! Uh
These are my party-planning beeyatches. Pulled off an amazing 80s party last year. Off the hook!
So I was thinking
Shes not the only one thats going to be eating it
Mint chocolate chip! Thatd be good
Can you get her? Shes right there.   That is Meredith
Meredith
Hey
Oh
What?
Oh
No
Oh
Meredith
Yeah. What do you know about Meredith?
Theres not going to be downsizing Dwight
I know all that. I know all that. I just
Which one is that again?
Oh God! Dwight
You know what
Almost there. Just a sec. Just a second. It is perfect
Its surprise Meredith. One
Find a key.
And many more!
You were surprised
You looked freaked
Come on. A little bit.
Oh
You know what? If I were allergic to dairy
Jim
Well
Is Oscar around?
I just thought it was kind of a flat
I know...
Right. Got it. Yes. So it does. Um...
No
How many miles did he do last year?
Son of a bitch. That is impressive.
Read it out loud. And say who wrote everything so we know whose is the best.
I dont know about that.
Huh! Thanks
Because of the downsizing. Rumors. And because youre gettin old.
You didnt get the joke. So
Divorce. Um... OK
Everybody? If... could do it? Meredith is so old...
Shes so old
That wasnt even mine. I got that off the Internet. Website. Um
This isnt my fault. Ladies
OK
Per mile
When I retire
A check for the kids
I want it to be like... Hey
Come here.   Dont cash that till Friday
Hey
All right
Today at lunchtime were going to be playing the warehouse staff at a friendly little game of basketball. My idea. Last time I was down there
Pam
No. And thats not me being mean
When I let him come to my pick-up game...
I vouched for you.
I vouched for you in front of Todd Packer
Good. Excellent
Yes it is. Assistant to the regional manager.
No
All right
And here we have Mister Rogers Neighborhood. Come on over here. Hey
And this is the foreman. Mista Ra-jahs.
No
And that is Lonny. And this is Roy. Roy dates Pam. You know
You still getting it regular man? Huh? I mean
So
Oh
Oh
All right
Are we ready for the game?
I... yeah
Nerd. That is why youre not on the team.
Uh
OK
Um
Uh...
Uh
Well
Um... Yeah. Who else? We have Jim. We have Ryan
Yes.
Yes
I will use your talents come baseball season
No.
No
Close. All right
Sorry Phyllis.
No
No
No.
Jim
Threat neutralized.
Off the backboard!
Oh
Yeah
Oh
Oh
Oh-oh. Oh-oh. A spy from the warehouse. Trying to figure out our plays
Oh ho
Whoa-ho. I like the way you think. You know what
What?
OK. Cool
Classic beginners mistake
Hey
All right
OK.
OK
Actually
Aw
On. Just put it on.
Yes. Uh
Stanley! What? You gotta be kidding me! !?!  Roy steals the ball
Yeah
Whos got Roy?
Aw
OK
OK
When I am playing hoops all of the stress and responsibility of my job here just melts away. Its gone
What is wrong with me today?!
Who am I? Am I Michael Scott? I dont know... I might just be a basketball machine. Whats Dunder Mifflin? Ive never heard of it. Filing? Paperwork? Who cares? Possible downsizing? Um... well
Jim! Jim! Jim
That is cool. Is that like the Robot?
Nice! Come here!
Come on! Hey
You know what? Dwight
Football is like rock and roll
Du-du-du-du-dupee-do
All right
Whats going on? Whats going on? Youre playing like a bunch of girls.
All right
Shoot
Ouch! Oh
Yes!
Watch the long passes
Dwight!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! In
Yeah
Jim! Jim! Right here!   Ow! God! Hold it!
Foul! Foul!
Oh
Whats your problem man? Gah
No
Yes
Game over. Game over. That is it! Im sorry
Thanks Dwight.
Well
It was us? Really? I didnt
Um... well
Hey
You guys believed me? Come on. Dogs
Hey
Come on. Lets not be gloomy here man. Were all in this together. Were a team. You know what? Screw corporate
The great thing about sports is that it is all about character. And you can learn lessons about life even if you dont win. But we did because we were ahead.
Affirmative.
You just said
Hey
Okay
Uh
Whoa. Howdy-ho. Wow
Um
I didnt mean me!
Well
Its illegal. Cant do that. Next best thing.
Tah
Pam!
Burger with cheese!
And fries!
And shake! What? Go ahead.
No
Pam. Pam. Come on
exhales loudly
All right girls break it up
Dont say cocks. Oh
Ah
Oh
Nobody cares what you think.
So uh
Well
I do. I read Small Business man. I also uh
This is my conference room. So please
So if you need anything else
Wait a second. I should have spotted another addict. Uh
Its like a slang for Starbucks. Theyre all over the place. Oh
Nah
No
Oh. Woo
There ya go. Nice steaming cup ojoe.
I have an idea. Why dont I introduce you around
Oh
Yeah
You should sell a lot here because this branch made over a million dollars last year. Not that were all millionaires. Im probably closest. So heres Oscar. Oscar
Oooh-ooh. Oscar the grouch. Right? I thought of that.
I know. I know. I made the connection. Can you believe hed never heard that before he worked here?
I know
Here is Toby from Human Resources. Katy
Toby
Tobys divorced. He uh
You and your wife
Oh that so - that was really messy. He slept one night in your car too?
Okay. Alright. Cool. See ya in a bit.   Oh
I live by one rule. No office romances. No way. Very messy. Inappropriate. No. But
Giggle-giggle
Ah
Busted.
Oh hey
Yes. This is a Starbucks digital barista. This is the mack daddy of espresso makers.
Oh
Coffee is the great incentivizer in the office. Its a drug. It is quite literally a drug that speeds people up. Its not the only drug that speeds people up. You hear stories about Dunder Mifflin in the eighties before everybody knew how bad cocaine was. Guh. Man
Oh the rotating um
Oh
Where you going? Nearby? Because I can give you a ride.
Seriously. No
God! No
I can go earlier. Cause Im the boss. You know
What?
Okay. Sounds good. Sounds good. Five oclock sharp. I will give you and your purses a ride home.
Excellent.
Great. Cool. Cool.   Yeah
I should have never let the Temp touch this thing. I had all these great icons and now I have four folders. So..
No its not. Because I could just click on the icon and then Im onto---
No
But I think you should just know that I am going to be giving her a ride home later.
She asked me for a ride and so I am going to give her a ride home.
Well
No. I cannot promise you that.
Listen
Dwight
Espresso?
Youre welcome. Thank you. Hmmm-hmm-hmm.
Ummm-hmmm...
Very easy to clean.
Okay. Like hes going to win anyway
Did we get any mail?
Yes you did. Yes
Yeah
Ryan.
Would you like to help me with a special project?
Alright.
Okay
Um
No.
Uh
Blues not a flavor.
Oh
What
No
Not its not
Thats over several months
I think in order to be a ladies man
Sure you dont want me to help you with that? Cause I can grab that no problem.
See you later. Goodnight. Goodnight
Where you going?
With us?
Okay. Great. Off the hook. Excellent. Okay
Alright
Dont drink and drive.
Take it easy.
You too
Do I have a special someone? Uh well
Tonight is the Dundies
Hey hey hey! Its Fat Halpert.
Fat Halpert.   Jim Halpert.
So why dont I take you on a tour of past Dundie winners. We got Fat Jim Halpert here. Jim
Oh
Gyaaah. T.M.I. T.M.I my friends.
T.M.I.? Too much information. Ah
And here we have Stanley the Manly. Now Stanley is a Dundie all-star
Oh
W-why did you...
Yes we should. I... you know what? I wanted one of those skillets of cheese
To Oscar Martinez its the Show Me the Money award! Yeah!
He has the award-ah! ...its a type of song that we are going to play for the ladies. Hit it
A little bit of Paaam
...a little bit of Phyllis everywhere...
...a little bit of Roooy eating chicken crispers... ...a little bit of Jim with some ribs
Will her highness
Well
Wuh... Come on
Um...
Could you...?
Yeah
Um
...come on
Youre dropping an A-Bomb on me here.
Well
No reason?! It was the 05 05 05 party...
...it happens once every billion years.
Okay
Well
This is a little character I like to do
The Dundie award for Longest Engagement goes to Pam Beesley.
Pam
Whoooo! When is that girl gonna get married? Thats what I have to say. Ah
Thank you Roy. Are there any words youd like to say
Yeah
Im not changing that
Thats why its funny. Every year that Roy and Pam dont get married
Oh
Yes.
Okay
Just dont
Dont talk-
Just STAP IT YAP IT!!!!
Okay
Yeah
The Dundies
You down with The Dundies? You down with the Dundie-
Alright
Nope
I did. And why didnt ya Stanley?
Well
to Dwight
No
And I was about to take her bra off...
...when she made me fill out six hours of paperwork-
No!   God.
Alright
Um
And now... to someone who quietly goes about their job
...the Busiest Beaver award goes to Phyllis Lapin.
Yeah
What? I told them busiest...idiots.
Well
Herro everybodeeee. Im gonna cwall Jan Revinson-Gould.
Oh
Right? You know wat Im talking bout.
This next award goes to somebody
Somebody
Yeah.   Hidy ho
And the Tight Ass award goes to Angela. Not only because she is everybodys favorite stickler
The Spicy Curry award goes to our very own Kelly Kapoor! Get on up here. Here you go.
Um
I dont know
I know. Its ju- they didnt have any more businessmen. So...
Just sit down Kelly.
Its so freakin hot in there. Now I know what Bob Hope was going through when he performed in Saudi Arabia. Man! I got Dwight sucking the funny out of the room
You have won a tiny Dundie.
Hey
Oh
Uh
Hey
Lets cut it.
I had a few more Dundies to
There you go.
Alright
You know you did.
And this next award is going out to our own little Pam Beesley...
...I think we all know what award Pam is going to be getting this year.
It is the Whitest Sneakers award! Because she always has the whitest tennis shoes on!
Get on down here! Pam Beesley ladies and gentlemen!   Oh
Pam Beesley ladies and gentleman.   Oh! Thank you.
Was this years Dundies a success? Well
Great work tonight.
Excellent.
Yes
Hey
Any emails today?
No? Um... Check your spam folder.
What?

Kay.
I am king of forwards. Its how I like to do business
Thats funny! Thats funny. Not offensive. Uh... because its nature. Educational.
Um
Yeah... maybe. Maybe. Well
Kay! Oh
Oh
Uh oh.
Uh oh! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-o!
Todd Packer and I are total BFF. Best Friends Forever. He and I came up together as salesmen. One time
Oh-whoa-oh! Oh! Okay. Grade A gossip for you
Really? Here we go! Buckle up. Its going to be a bumpy one!
Oh
Well
Oh! Wow! I didnt say it! I didnt say it!
Oh
Oh. Bad boy.   Um... Ryan?
Ah! Man. That Todd Packer can do anything.
Hey
Forward it like its hot. Forward it like its hot. Old School.
Yes
Um... literally two seconds?
Toby is in HR which technically means he works for Corporate. So hes really not a part of our family. Also hes divorced so hes really not a part of his family.
No
It is a big deal. Its a big deal! What are we supposed to do? Scrutinize every little thing we say and do all day? I mean
What?
NO!
What? He! No! Okay
There is no such thing as an appropriate joke. Thats why its a joke.
Everyone! Hello! Everyone. Hi! Sorry to interrupt. I know youre all busy and the last thing you want is for a major interruption. But Toby has an announcement that he insists on making right now in the middle of the day.   So
I wish you luck
A guy goes to a five dollar... lady of the night and he gets crabs. So
Time to bring out the big guns. Im heading down to the warehouse where jokes are born. Find a killer joke thatll just blow everybody away at the seminar later. And remind them what is great about this place. So... ah! Here they are.   Guys! Wondering if I could
Um
Alright
Oooh
What?
I dont feel bad.
No
Okay.
Well
Thank you.
Hi
No.
I know
Did he tell you everything? Obviously
Exactly! Mmwwah  ! Can we afford to lose email forwards? Do we want that?
Give me a break. Umm... Stanley
I think the old honor system was just fine. For example
No! No! Catherine. Remember her? Remember how hot she was?
She would have definitely slept with me.
Yes
What if Pam was a lesbian? What if she brought her partner in to work?   Would that be crossing the line?
What if they made out? In front of everybody?
At home? And I told everybody everything about it.
Okay. Well
I wish Todd Packer was here because he would love this. I wonder if anybody else would like to do this. Hey! Um... we have to watch
Thats what she said. Pam?
Thats what she sai   Nope
Whoa
Okay
So you are the lawyer
Well
When I said before that I was king of forwards
The problem is that I am the boss and apparently I cant say anything.
Wheres the line? Wheres the line
No
No
Attention
Mmmhmm. Yes.
THATS WHAT SHE SAID!
Come on.
Mwah!
You would have done the same. You just didnt think of it first.
Its... Thats...
Okay.   Hello.   Jan. Mr. OMalley. This is my lawyer
I believe you may recognize his face from the billboards. He specializes in Free Speech issues.
This guy does it all.
What?
So Im not in trouble?
I am so used to being the bad boy. I am so used to fighting Corporate that I forget that I am Corporate. Upper management. They hooked me up with an attorney. To protect me. You cant be too careful about what you say. Mo money
Okay. Well
I know. Well talk about it later. Thanks for coming in.
No. No
Not you. Kevin. Just unwarranted. Hostile work environment
No. You said it. He pointed. A point is not a say. Look. Kevin
I dont know about that.
Well
Yes
Mmmhmmm.
They didnt get to me. I got to them. I am still the same old Michael Scott. New and improved. You know what? I love Phyllis. You know what else? I think she is gorgeous. I think she is incredibly
Oooh!
Im not worried.
You know what? The only thing Im worried about... is getting a boner. Good work today
Times have changed a little. And even though were still a family here at Dunder-Mifflin
Im an early bird
Yummy
Um. The sausage
Ok.  Removes biscuit
Today
Yes it is. Yes it is. It is very important to own property. Back in olden days
Maybe.
Yes. Yes. Final walkthrough.
Sign the papers at the condo.
Uh
I dont need a representative.
No
No. Dwight. Im fine.
Well
Except that
Ok. Fine. Yes
As my associate.
No it is not.
Oh
We are. Dwight and I are going to the big thing. So why dont you have everybody work on their expense reports and Id like them in by the end of the day.
Very good.
We will. Um
Good. The Small Business Man?
Maxim? American Way? Cracked?
How about
NO
Ok. See you soon.
I dont know
What? No
I... Just... Would you put it up?   Ok. Fine. Just leave it down. Whiner.
I do not understand what you spend your money on.
Home
Right there. My sanctuary. My party pad. Someday I can just see my grandkids learning how to walk out here. Hang a swing from this tree. Push them back... wait...   no
Oh
Nice to meet you too.
Yeah
Oh. Good. Thats good. Its good to be accommodating of that.
This
Im putting my bed right over here.
Well
Well then I wont get a warrantee.
So thats the problem
Uh... Ten year.
What? Wha? You said ten.
Ok
Alright.
Ok. Alright. Oh boy.
Um. Oh.   Oh
Um. Im going to take a little breather for a second. Excuse me.
Oh
Uh.  breathes deeply
The ceilings are lower than they were last week. That
...know if you showed me this same unit or not.
Where are all the hot people? I was told that there would be all these attractive singles.
As far as I can tell
Theres a basic principle in real estate
No
I am not going to rent the third bedroom. I want a price reduction or I am a-walkin.
Ehhhh....
I made the right decision. Im glad I signed. Im a homeowner. Right? Good to be a homeowner. Diversifying. This is good. This is fun. Were having fun.
Theres something else Dwight wanted to talk to you about. I have a surprise for you
No
Why did I do it? Because I believe in rewarding people for their efforts. Ah. I rewarded Dwight with the room
Im thinking
What the hell is a terrarium?
Oh
We take separate cars.
Why would we do that?
No.
EHHHHNT. Game over. Offer revoked. Dwight. Im sorry
Yeah
Nobody likes beets.
Nobody likes beets
Stop it!
Yeah. Jim. Slim Jim. Whats going... Whats going on?
Oh. Thanks. Thanks. Its very cool. Its a three bedroom
You know.
Really?
Whats this?
I dont really know what to say. Um
Get up here
Yep
Oh.   What the hell is that?
Howard
Shall we? Let us proceed. First up
Five years from now
Oh! Good. Ambitious. Excellent. Want to be a manager?
That is ridiculous.
Ryans about to attend the Michael Scott School of Business. Im like Mr. Miyagi and Yoda rolled into one.
Much advice you seek.   Do you know who that is?
Mmm... No. That was Yoda.
There are ten rules of business that you need to learn. Number one : You need to play to win. But... you also have to win to play.
And I will give you the rest of the ten at lunch.
Hey!
Yes
Another rule of business is being able to adapt to different situations.
Adapt. React. Re-adapt. Act. All right? Thats rule number two.
So what was rule two?
Okay
Okay
Well
Um
Rule number four. In business
Wow
Hello
...for Phone. What?
Um
Really?
So you think you know a lot about business?
Uh huh.
Yeah. Quiz me.
Come on
Quiz me up.
Uh...
When I was Ryans age
Shut
Okay. Yes! It was a trick question.
Okay
You know what
For instance
Stop. Dwight. You know what? Youre acting like a dork. Would you cool it? Please. Okay. Hey! Hes not your five year old brother
I did not go to business school. You know who else didnt go to business school? LeBron James
Look at this stuff. Market fragments. What is that supposed to be?
You are so smart. You are so eff-in smart. You should be teaching me.
I became a salesman... because of people
Nah
Oh
Oh
Aaaall right. Whos next
Well
Whos
Wish I had my cell phone
Whats that?
Yeah.
Dwight. Hey!
Dwight
I didnt say it to him. I said it about him.
How long does it take to find a cell phone? I dont know either.
Seriously
I gave it to you in the car.
I saw you program it in.
Okay. Alright.
Uh
Dwight!? Great goin. God
Wow. Okay. Well
Hey
Toaster Oven 101?
Hey! I know whatll impress everybody
...since the world was turning.
Okay. Rule five - safety first
Oh... look! Ryan is book smart. And I am street smart. And book smart.
Ill give you the rest of the ten tomorrow.
Happy Halloween
Ohh... OK.
I know why shes calling. Its the end of the month
Hey
Well
I dont know... yet. I will have to call her back.
Okay... Sherri?
If you were getting fired
Thanks.
Ill call her back.  talks softy
Okay! Im sorry.
No?
Bye.
I mean you hear about layoffs in the news
Yes.
Yes.
Yeeesh.
Um
Because its very scary stuff.
Youre worried about the party? Theres a mans life at stake here.
No. Or a woman. A human life. If you had to guess
And... sometimes you just let it go to voicemail.
I know. I sent away for it in July from a catalog.  bobs his head around
Oh
Hey.
You guys excited about the party?
Its gonna be fun.
Oh
All good. Happy Halloween. What happened to all those spooky decorations that we had? The cobwebs and such?
Well
Good. Oh
Well
Mmm-hm-hmm. Interesting take on Dorothy. I love it. Hey
Bend It Like Beckham.
Yeah. That would be perfect.
Well
Who do you think it should be?
No
Eh.
Its not a popularity contest. Although it does make sense to fire the least popular because it has the least effect on morale.
turns to the fake head
Youre right
Yeah
Yeah... I could.
Im not saying thats what he said.
What?
That is not a very nice thing to say about him.
Are you kidding?
I agree. Hed land on his feet.
So. How did it go with Stanley? How... howd he take it?
Ahh
I dont wanna fire Stanley. I never said that. Im certainly not going to do it myself. Get those big
Oh
Fantastic!
What?! That wouldve solved all my problems.
Oh
If you left
Big deal. Oh
You can call. Can you call em?
Wohahah! Why are you torturing me?! God.
Can I speak to you a minute?
Help. Me.
I want you to role play firing me. I want you to fire me
Yes.
I want you to be me
No
Yes
Aaaahh! Im gonna kill myself!
Im going to kill myself
Corporate is really breathing down my neck. And theyre saying this has to be done by the end of the month.
I... this is Creed.
Im improvising
And Im very angry
Im gonna kill you. Im going to kill you for firing me.
Get off
Uh
Could I talk to you for a second?
You are great. Very ambitious. And I feel like you want more than this little office has to offer. And I understand that youd wanna just spread your wings
I... were gonna have to... You... you want something better.
No
Why... why are you making this so hard?
I think youre right.
No
Hmm?
What old days? What are you talking about?
Its right here on the desk
I cant
I cant change anything. This is the way...
I dont... okay
Dont...
Yeah
I have to fire someone today
Okay
Dont...
Devon
Well
Well
Huh. No! I cant
No.
No. It was all the stuff that I said. It was the business downturn
I just hope that you and I can remain friends.
Devon
Look
I love Halloween. You know
He... Hey
You look great! And youre a princess?
A fairy princess. Youre very... .
Youre a lion.   Wow
I dont want to work
Uhh
Hello
Yes
Last year they were out of order
Chillax
Is it a priority? Oh I dont know
Catch-22. Yes. Why dont you give me your contact information to start with
in his office on his cell phone
This is Tito.
Calling from...
Pick up.
This is Mike Tyson.
And this is more a ying-yang thing. The Michael all cursive
Yeah
Because I would kick his ass.
So? Ive beaten up black belts.
They told me. After. You see
And after that
You were a Jet?
Yes
Im friends with everybody in this office. Were all best friends - I love everybody here. But sometimes your best friends start coming into work late
Just hit me. Youll see.
Oh
Oh yeah
Look
... he cried at the end of it. He did.
Oh
Ok
Fuuuaaaahhhhh... oohhhhh!
Yeah.   Thank you.
Go away.
I havent signed them
Come in. Um
Oh
Oh
Ok
Ok.
Watch out Kelly
No
Really? Well
Look
Really?
You know what? Youre just lucky that we are at work right now.
No
Look...
Hey
Ive got an idea : why dont you leave right now. Why dont you walk away from the room
I recognize that. That is Japanese for California Roll.
I think it is. A guy told me about that.
Oh.
Alotta rules. Alotta rules. On the street we didnt have any rules. Maybe one - no kicks to the groin
Hey!
What the hell was that?
No.
Alright
Play dirty
Im comin atcha man. Ok
I got his pants.
Dwight
Go on
You cant see. You cant see. Good boy. Good boy. Great boy. Two points
Open your mouth.
You talkin to me? You talkin to me? Raging Bull. Pacino. Oh
My emergency contact is Todd Packer. Todd F. Packer. Do you know what the F. stands for?
Yeah... uh
He is such a sore loser. You heard
Yeah.
Yeah
If youre doing anything crazy
Alright
Dwight?
This close. Dwight
Well
Well
I know
I have been testing you the entire day. Did you know that?
And I am happy to say that you have passed. So effective immediately I am promoting you from Assistant to the Regional Manager to Assistant Regional Manager.
I know
No
No
Absolutely but not really.
Yes you do.
And
I told Dwight that there is honor in losing. Which
Wow
I changed it. To Chilis.
Radisson just gives out this vibe
Heres the thing. Chilis is the new golf course. Its where business happens. Small Businessman Magazine.
It will. I sent it in. Letter to the editor.
Uh huh
Ok
Kiss ass. Ok
Well...
No
Uh
Its just a couple blocks away
At all!
You ever been to Scranton
Dar de dar.
Jan Levinson-Gould. Jan is cold. If she was sitting across from you on a train and she wasnt moving
We should come up with a signal of some sort.
Well
Well
Yeees.
Hello? Christian?
Thought that was you. Hi. Michael Scott. This is Jan Levinson-Gould.
No Gould?
Uh
Is Gould dead? What uh-
Wow
When did this happen?
Ok.
Alright

Awesome blossom.
I think we should share an Awesome Blossom
Ok
I heard a-
Very very funny joke the other day. Wanna hear it?
Ok.
Just one joke. Ok. Well
Pam
Yes.
No.
Nope. Told it. Not as good as you think. Pick another one.
Oh ho ho
First guy says Well
Yum! Yum yum yum!   Thats delicious! I love it!
Bop! Be blah bop
Thats why I wanted a signal
Did somebody say baby back ribs? Hmmm? Hmmmmm?
I want my baby back
Chilis baby back ribs...
Woo
Oh
Shes not playing the game.
Check please.
No
You know?
Its true.
Uh huh
Its bad.
It
Well
See ya.
We did it!
Nailed it. Nailed it! Come here.
What!?
Goin. Ok. Where we goin? Doesnt matter. Goin to the go go.   Oh-ok.
Morning
No
Hello
Who.
Uh
This is none of your affair because she is your boss-
And she is a woman. She is a strong
I know we have to register as a consensual sexual relationship with HR. My question : do I do it as the man? Does she do it as my superior? I dont know. That leads to other issues that we may have in our relationship. Its
Pam
Pam
And a woman-
And I want you to listen to a voicemail from my boss.   Michael
My boss is coming in today
I guess I missed you. I guess I missed you. So
But then she goes on to say that will be our only topic of discussion. That doesnt mean anything
Ok. Yeah
Ohhh
Ah
Oh
Really?
God
No kidding.
Good work
Yeah?
Oh  Angela
Interesting. Jan is calling me. Maybe it wasnt so mutual after all.   Yeah?
Jan! To what do I owe this pleasure?
Well
Well
Oh.
Been thinking about you.
Um
Yep.
No.
They are not. Yes
Pam
Thats unfortunate. How bout the suggestion box? Theres tons of ideas in there.
The suggestion box that I put out
Why dont you find it and tell people to get theirs... never mind
What did I say?
Well
Hi
Good to see you.
Ok.   Ok
Yep
Alright  .
Its nice to see you.
Really?
Oh
Alright.
Yep.
Absolutely.
Im a little confused. Cause first its all like kissy-kissy. And then its like all regret. Because Oh
No
This is a business question. Its nothing personal
Are you wearing a new perfume today?
Well
I dont understand-   Hold on. Sorry.   Yes
Im kind of in the middle of something. I wish you wouldnt interrupt.
I did not
No
Why are we here? Because I value your opinions. Now
Well
And
Oh
Tom. Then it is a joke because there is nobody in here named Tom.
Oh
Arrr
Ok
Well
Was I
Ok.
Shut up
Yeah
Ill work on that-
Lets keep going. Keep it going. Yep. What do we have here? We have somebodys piece of gum. Somebody put a piece of gum in there. This is not a
Yeah
Dont sl-
I dont understand why youre so upset.
Let me ask you-
Ok
Let me ask you something.
Where did you get your outfit?
I just dont understand why you have to pretend like nothing happened.
Look-
Oh my God...
What do you want Dwight?
Ok
You wanna talk now
Why on earth would we give you a raise?
You do? How do you get in?
That is a serious offense. Very serious. As is toying with a mans heart.
Ok
That was deer!? Gross
Oh
What do you say
Ok. You just
Thats from Superman?
Wait.
Wait
Ok
Well
I just want to know
Am I too short?
Really?
I appreciate that
No
So my looks have nothing to do with it?
Jan is not in a place where she feels she can have a relationship right now. And it doesnt matter how great a guy I am. And that is all I needed  Im good. I can go home now.
Hey
Never missed a day
It is Friday morning and it is another beautiful day in Scranton
Theres no time to think about if this is real. Just
The IT tech guy and me did not get off to a great start.
Yeah
Oh...
Oh
Yes.
AH! Guh-oood.
Please dont do that.
I cant tell you.
I dont have to tell you anything.
Dwight
Im not going get a brain-
Stop it.
Uh
There are certain things a boss does not share with his employees. His salary
So how do you search?
Try profits. No! Try Michael Scott. Michael boss and funny.   Oh my God
Oh
Beep! Bop!
Bommmm. Bop! Onk onk.   Oil can. Oil can.
Oh
You know what the problem is?
The problem is that when people hear the term big brother
Meredith has an E-vite from Jim. Barbeque at Jims tonight. Tonight? Wonder where my e-vitation is. Click on guest list. Angela
Theres always a distance between a boss and the employees. It is just natures rule. Its intimidation mostly
Of course. Hangin with my crew
Hot
Yeah! They were the most fun. We always invited them.
Hey there.
Almost quittin time.
One more hour. Take care of anything you forgot to do. Hey
You have plans.
I do
I do
Tonight
Yeah.
Its the best. Its the best. I would not miss it for the world. But if something else came up
It is. Ok.
What?
Hey
Alright. Oscar
Kevin
Ok
Hey
Yeah
Liar!
You are a liar.
Dwight
Thats
To watch tonight
Were watching it.
I didnt know you played soccer
You
In Horshack voice from Welcome Back
Boom! Detective Michael Scarn. Im with the FBI.
Think about this  what is the most exciting thing that can happen
Boom! Freeze! Michael Scoon
Boom! Boom!
Boom! Boom!
Why
Well
Boring.
I could of-
Ok.
Yehhhehh.
Im in.
No
What are you...
Nothing.
Good
So Bernies
Right
Ok
Wow! Who opened the morgue for this thing? Im just driving by
Ok
Were making love!
Talk! Just talk!
Shut up!
Funny story : the way that I got into improv was
Here we are.
Oh god.
No
Youll break it.
You shove it. Shove it back! Here we go. Dont break the branches
All right.
Well
On three. Ready? Big
Merry Christmas!
Did it work?
A
Well
Merry Christmas! Ho
Double it. Double everything. Double ice cream. Double napkins. Double it. On me.
It was a tough year. I had to fire somebody this year. This party has to really rock. Check it out. Christmas bonus. 3
I want people to cut loose. I want people making out in closets. I want people hanging from the ceilings
Yeah
No! No way! It... no.
You wanna be Santa?
Have you ever seen Santa?
Okay.
Well
That makes sense because he has elfish features.
You get something good this year?
Yeah? Who did you have?
I think I got something pretty nice for my guy.
I spent a lot of dough. Lot of dough. Wow.
Yeah. I wanted this party to be really special so I sorta went above and beyond.
It was Ryan. Yeah. I have Ryan.
All right
Not great.
No
Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. Its like this tangible thing that you can point to and say
No
Whoa. Wow. Jeez. Somebody really got carried away with the spirit of Christmas. That was me
You dont know that.
I did?
What? Oh
Oh hey
An oven mitt? Okay.
So Phyllis is basically saying
I got it! We are going to turn Secret Santa into Yankee Swap.
One person chooses a gift. The next person can either choose a gift or steal that persons gift. If your gift gets stolen
Well
Because its better. Because its more special.
Shut it. No
Okay
Yankee Swap! Thats what makes it fun. Pam
I think this is going great.
Everyone wants the iPod. Its a huge hit. It is almost a Christmas miracle.
Oh
I hope nobody takes this baby
Sucker! See
Reverse psychology is an awesome tool. I dont know if you guys know about it
In addition to these paintball pellets
Who wants to take paintball lessons? How is that better than an iPod?
Last gift. Kevin.
What is she so upset about?
Come on! I think that Yankee Swap was a big hit! I think its a success and Im the one who ended up with Dwights stupid paintball pellets.
Well
It wasnt. It wasnt that much. It was $3
Unbelievable. I do the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for these people and they freak out. Well
All right
Cool
Uh-oh. Looks like Santa was a little naughty.
This is Christmas spirit
Zip it
Go
Anybody making out in here?   Not yet
No
Kudos to Ryan
Yeah
Oh
Not bad. And if it couldnt go to Ryan
Youre welcome.
No way. Oh
Oh
Oh
Darryl. There you go.   You earned it.
No
Hey
Lampshade on head! Its happening!
Yeah
Christmas is awesome. First of all
Hey
Cool
Okay!
Hello
Ah! Ha ha ha!
Yeah?
Stanley! Bo banley.
Banana fana fo fanley.
Be my mo manley.
Stanley.
Maybe. The suspense is just so exciting
Maybe
Well
Its cheaper.
This is not just another party. This is a leadership training exercise. Right? Im going to combine elements of fun and motivation and education into a single mind-blowing experience.
It is now time to unveil the destination of this years retreat. We are going on a harbor cruise of Lake Wallenpaupack. Its a booze cruise!
No. This is mandatory. But dont worry
Well
Yeah?
To throw you off the scent.
Well
Well
I am a great motivational speaker. I attended a Tony Robbins event by the airport last year
Leader... ship. The word ship is hidden inside the word leadership
Now
Yes
All right
Titanic?
No
No! Thank you
The... no
A three-hour tour
Pam
Id rather die. Hi
Okay.
In an office
Hey
And I am the regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin
Okay! So...
Right.
But dont worry
Im your party captain too! And you are gonna put on your dancing shoes later on! So we are gonna...
Rock it!
If the boats a-rockin
Yep.
Were all gonna have a good time tonight!
Hm? Okay. Yep.
Having fun?
Good. Well
Well
So
But before that
All right
Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss thats always trying to teach people things. Sometimes you have to just be the boss of dancing.
Ah! See
No
Okay
Okay.
Not what I was looking for
I dont want to take credit for this
Well... could have been either one of us
Yes! I can marry you as regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin!
Then Ill give you away!
Captain Jack is a fart face. Im on medication.
Vomicillin. Okay. All right. Its time to be boss. Its time to motivate. Lets blow some minds here. Okay
Its a predicament
Im in the brig. See? The boats not as corporate-friendly as advertised. What was the deal with the guy jumping overboard? What was... if he had just waited and heard what I had to say
Is somebody there?
Captain Jack has a problem with authority.
He just totally lost it. If you ask me
Well
Roy said the first one didnt count.
Really? Youre kidding me. You and Pam? Wow. I would have never have put you two together. You really hid it well. God! I usually have a radar for stuff like that. You know
Yeah? Yep. Well
Well
BFD. Engaged aint married.
Never
Its a fake wheel
Pam! Its Michael. Help me! I need help right now.
Im hurt
Ungh
No
I am hurt. I hurt my foot.
I want to come to work. But I need you to come and pick me up.
OH GOD!
Oh God!
OK
I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon
Pam
Ok
Theres no toilet paper here. Could Ryan... tell Ryan to bring toilet paper. Could you tell em that?
I tried hopping
No one wants to pick me up!?
Im not sick! Im burned!
Dont... is that Dwight? I do not want Dwight.
I dont want Dwight!
I dont have a girlfriend.
It was all made up. Just someone come
Hellooo? ... Please dont send Dwight!
Morning everyone. Dont freak out. I forbid anybody to freak out. Clearly
Did you explain why?
Burned my foot
Please stop popping my cast. Thank you.
Ha ha ha. So where are you shipping...
Thank you. Pam
Really
No
What?
I dont want any special treatment
No
What? Part of your duties are to what?
You just said part of your duties are to something.
Yes
Where is my cornbread?
Thank you. Did you get all dark meat like I like?
Where are the yams?
Did you go to the one in Stroudsburg?
And they had no yams?
How strange. Because they always have yams.
Pam... PAAAM!?
Come here please.
I want you to rub butter on my foot.
Pam
Uh
No
No! Guh! OW! Awww
I fell off the toilet. Im caught between the toilet and the wall.
Ugh
Get Ryan. He needs to lift me.   and he needs to clean me up a little bit. Bring a wet towel.
No
I just saw him.
Ugh
Can I have everyones attention please? Phyllis
No
Wuh
Ok
Shuuut it
I burned my foot!!! Ok
While we are waiting for our special guest to arrive
Good question. Forrest Gump: mentally challenged
I dont think so
He grew into a man overnight. Rare disability
What you mean uh hmmm... ?
Ok.
Yes
This
You are so brave. You are so brave.
But its hard for you! Right? Because youre in a wheelchair.
Let me ask you something
Oh my God
How did you get in your wheelchair?
Hey
Well
Well they notice it. Dont you? You notice it. Its the first thing you saw when he rolled in here
Ok...
Ignore him. You know what? Were not that different
Yeah...
Ok.
Did you see Born on the Fourth of July? I was under the impression that Billy would be more like that guy.
Hey!
You did it! Look at you
Did you get the yams?
Ok
Yeh.
You know what? I feel better. Ryan brought me some chocolate pudding and his kindness healed my foot.
Yeah
Uh
Oh
Why dont you go with him?
I cant take you
Oh
Well go. Im still recovering. So lets just
Shotgun!
The rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear. The first person to shout shotgun when youre within the sight of the car gets the front seat. Thats how the games played. There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion.
Oh
Well
Chuck E. Cheese? Oh
I know
Dwight
Give it to me.
Dwight...   You just keep your eyes on the road.   Give me the bottle or youre fired.
Give it to me Dwight.
Give me the bottle!!
Gimme the bottle
Just give it!
Stop
Stop spraying me! Gimme the bottle!
Dwight
Something with a K.
What do I write under reason for visit?
Nothing. I wrote bringing someone to the hospital.
No... you know what Jim
Hi Dwight.
Doctor
Well
Look since you have the machine up and running
Ok
Thats my joke
Its ok
Alright
Uh
Fine. Fine.
Ah
Whats up-dog?
Oh
Hey
Mmm
I dont know
No
What does what mean?
Just forget it.
Dwight! Hey is it me or does this place smell like up-dog?
Gotcha!   Oh
Damn it.
Today is spring cleaning day here at Dunder Mifflin. And yes I know its January. I am not an idiot. But
No
Yes.
On a Friday?
I will do all the talking.
What difference does it make whether your here?
Hi
Yechh
Really? Oh
What are your symptoms?
Umm
I need you to go back to bed. I need you to get better. See you Monday. Unless youre still sick. So have a great long weekend.
He sounded sick.
Thats exactly what I was thinking.
Yeah. Drop what youre doing. Make this a priority. Because an office cant function efficiently unless people are at their desks doing their jobs.
Wowweee. Mikey likey. Why dont you wear your hair like that all the time. Its much sexier.     Man
Hey Jim-bag.
Really?
Who else knows?
Wow!
Jim and I are great friends. We hang out a ton
My lips are sealed.   My lips are sealed... Bangles.
Can you hear me
Hey
Ah
Any of em? So
P-A-M. P-A
No its okay
Listen Stanley. How long does it take you to pick out a soda?
Alright
Peach iced tea. Youre going to hate it.
Its Grrrrrrape! Soda.
Not so much.
Nothing.
Fact: I love grape soda. I always have. Fact: Jim and I talk all the time. We tell each other secrets.
Um
Ok.
Good.
Whooo
Oh nonsense
Hey you know what we could do? We could spread out a blanket in the break room. Have a little picnic order some za. Talk about you know who.
I know just he place.
Oh man
Why do I like Hooters? Well I will give you two reasons
Oh
Were not worthy. Were not worthy. Hello Dana
Im his boss actually. And I treat him well. Im taking him out to lunch cause I can afford it and he can have whatever he wants.
Tell me Dana
Mmmm
No
What do you like best about Pam?
Is it her boobs
Really?
Never gets any of my jokes.
Her boobs
Oh
Ohhh happy birthday Jim!
Woo! Yeah!
Thank you very much.
Hilarious. Hey.
Just go to his house and see if hes sick. I could have done this Investigation in like twenty minutes.
Just do it.
Expenses.
No. Its... I wear it like that sometimes. Is that a wig?
Yeah
No he did not. I dont need his permission.
Uhhh its ridiculous. They took my card away because I spent $80 bucks at a magic shop. What they dont understand is that I bought the stuff to impress potential clients. So business related
I put a cigarette through a freakin quarter. And you know what Toby? They almost bought from us.
Look Jim needed a relaxing lunch
Youre not his friend
You know what Kevin? Jim is a friend of mine
I know
I
Ok
Yeah Im good.
Yeah Im fine. Look
No
It wasnt that long ago. It was on the booze cruise.
Yehhh
People are always coming to me. Michael
Spamster!
Hamster.
Welcome back! How was your vacation?
Yeah?
Did you get lucky? Oh! Boink!
I am Pam. Spicoli guy. Oh
Wow! What happened in there?
There is stink in there
Is it a bird?
Oh
Um
Check it out.
Check it out. Dont be a wuss
What is it?
What is it? No
I cannot believe a pipe burst and left that in there.
How do you know that? What is it
Here she comes. All cleaned? Great.
That is worse.
I am a big Fear Factor fan. Im a big fan of anything Joe Rogan does
Hey Jim. I thought that we would be desk buddies while they changed my carpet.
Oh... Its ...
Yeah ...
No
Yeah
Dont ape me.
This is great.
The pressures of my office are insane.
I just... you couldnt understand
Yeah.
Ed Truck.   Ed Truck was the manager before me. Horrible. He hated fun. It was like
You know who used to sit at that desk?
Mm-mm. Todd Packer.
Yeah.
He was
When I was in training
I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.
Oh
Another time
Charley horse!
Charley horse!
Oh
Once
Dwight.
Lets send up Accounting.
Old fashioned raid. Sales on Accounting. Yeah. Follow my lead.
Hey guys.
Ahem. Whats up?
Yeah! Oh ho ho
No
Watch out
Maybe!
Why would somebody ruin a perfectly good carpet? I dont know. It could be done out of hate. It could be done out of love. It could be completely neutral. Maybe somebody hates the cleaning lady. And
You know what? I am beginning to think that what happened to my carpet was an act of terrorism against the office. The only thing that makes any sense.
Stop.
Stop it.   Stop. It.   Dont. Dont.
All right.
Hi
Im just walking around.
Well
Oh
Seventy
Oh
God
So you have 40 boxes going out
Nothing.
No. Just ...
You know what
Yeah
Extreme Home Makeover puts together a house in an hour. If you were on that crew
This was no act of God. A person did this. A person who works in this office. Maybe all of them.
You know what? Today is not a good day for a sales contest. Were... were not... were not doin this today.
You wanna talk about fair? Does anyone need to smell my old carpet? You explain to me how that was fair
I am a victim of a hate crime. Stanley knows what Im talkin about.
Well I hated it! A lot! Okay
Youre all on a time out. Just sit there quietly.  phone rings
Do you remember Ed Truck?
How would I know?
My biggest fear is turning into him.
I wasnt talking literally
Ed? Hi. Thanks for meeting me. Must be kinda neat comin back.
Uh
Oh
I didnt get a good look at... it
Really?
Well
Well... s-sure I can.
Not necessarily. You can love a boss like you do a father.
Well
Last week I would have given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would have reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them. But now
Yes.
Who is this? How did you get this number?
Oh my God. Packer. Packster. Whacky Pack. How you doin?
Uh... no. Did anybody see a package here today? No. How big was it?
Really?
Did you see a big package? Where did you leave it?
Really? Guys
Are you kidding me? Oh!
That was Packer! Oh
Oh.   Yeah
It takes an advanced sense of humor. I dont expect everybody to understand. It was done out of love
Hey
Yeah... I... You know what... I... I... I just thought about it. I just have a few things I want to say.
Hold... Just hear me out. What is more important than Quality? E-Quality. Now studies show that todays woman
No
They did this up in Albany...
And they ended up turning the break room into a lactation room which is disgusting so...
Well
Anybody want any coffee or...
Women in the workplace... yeah
Everyone. Guys. Circle up
Well
Lets just clap. Ready?   Yeah! Yeah!
Thats what Im talking about!
Just having a little guys in the workplace thing.
Why cant boys play with dolls? Why does society force us to use urinals when sitting down is far more comfortable?
We have nowhere else Jan. This...
OK
Oh
So lets meet the warehouse! Lets get some shots. Pan around there. This is Darryl
You know
Brangelina is the Brad Pitt and Angelina... Roy...
Roy and Pam. Its a Ram. Its a Ram thing.
Uhhuhhuh. Just in case theres someone down here who shouldnt be. A little Good Will Hunting situation. All right. Troops. This is an important day. Big day. Now you may look around and see two groups here. White collar. Blue collar. But I dont see it that way. And you know why not? Because I am collar-blind.
Oh... well... okay... yeah
Guys! Want to start unloading the truck?
Check this out! Look at that! Look at that   bwup-bwa!   Hello! How are...   Oh! Kay. That is great. That is good stuff.
Hey
Stand clear.
Im fine
Oh
We ought to have this thing serviced.
So! Guys gripe session. Here we are. Now
No
Stay or...
Lets start with the Warehouse. What bothers you as guys
OK.
OK
I... That was just...
I was breathing.
I hate shushing. You know
OK. Alright. Good. Guys ragging on each other. Thats what guys do... and we love it.
I feel you.
Yes.
Ah
I know. God! What is that?
It blows. It blows
No. Whoa
You know what? Is that necessary? Because you already sorta have a union... of guys.
Dockworkers?
Yeah. You know what? I think the problem is the chicks.
The problem is the chicks. And you gotta blame them.
Yeah-es.
This is important. Ladies
Dont get hysterical.
Part of my job is knowing how to talk to women.
Lets... be... rational... here. What are the pros? What are the cons?
Dont talk to me that way please. Just... theyre going to want to hear this from you.
But were bonding down there!
I mean I just dont want to have to tell them something theyre not going to want to hear.
Ok. Come on Jan. After all weve been through...
We have a history...
...between us.
I wont
Im just saying we have something... Ok. Whatever.
Cold front coming into the Warehouse. Uh oh! Better put on your ski boots! Woohoohoowoo. Waaaah! Happy New Year
Hi.
Yuh
I have essentially. Yes. Ive taken some...
Im just going to put this over there.
You did uh... okay.
Pizza. Great equalizer. Rich people love pizza. Poor people love pizza. White people love pizza. Black people love pizza. Do black people like pizza?
Hey. Um... look guys
Hey
Thank you to our hosts.
Ahhh! Excellent.
Is it good to be back. Yeah. I mean I love the guy stuff but to run an office you need men and women. You know why? Because you need to have that crazy sexual tension to keep things interesting.
Alright Dwight
Nope. The opposite of that.
Ok
I probably will
Yeah.
What is your problem?
This is a business trip. I would have to be a raving lunatic to try to talk to Jan about what happened between us. Her words
Hey
Alright.
Dude
Well here we go. On our way to New York. New York
The meeting isnt til three
Here it is
Everybody takes the subway in New York. Its fast
This is the world famous Rockefeller Center. Founded
I would love to live in New York someday. Its a big dream of mine. Work for corporate
There they are. Whats up? Hey hey.
Josh Porter
Yeah
You have been kicked out of every strip club in Albany
So whats going on? What I miss?
Cool. Good
Ay
Maybe because shes my girlfriend.   Was
You know
Yeah
Ditto.   How are you Jan?
What is a business? Is it a collection of numbers and sales reports? Sure. But as you know
Life moves a little slower in Scranton
Yeah
And finally
Questions?
Yes
Yes
Oh
No youre not.
Technically
Yes. Im sorry. I will fix this. Ill talk to him. Ill talk to David.
I am serious. And dont call me Shirley. Airplane.
No no no no no
I did
I know. It was borderline at best and... And Jan is a fantastic executive and has all the integrity in the world and um
Oh
Yeah
Oy vey... schmear.
Lets think this through. If we ask Corporate for that then...
Could go either way. We dont know what they are going to say.
Have to think it through. Because if they say no...
No! Yes
Give it to me. Phyllis
Hey
You all right Ryan?
Pam!
Thats what she said!
Grapes. Seductive. So you ready for the big speech this afternoon?
Oh! Abso-fruit-ly. Fruit. Grapes. Nailed the joke. Matter of time. Um... And yes
Speaker at the Sales Convention. Been there
That would look terrible. These are mostly salesmen and salesmen expect to be entertained and you are the main act.
Thats because youre incapable of doing it because you dont know how. Because you have no skills. Dwight
But I can teach you enough so that you dont embarrass me or the company.
Well
Dont. Dont try and think of a question to humor me. Just... try not to be such an idiot.
Insult.
But seriously
Its a joke
Yeah
I do. Both of them.
No
Attention everybody! Attention please! I have some very great news from Corporate. We had a wonderful quarter and as a result all of you are getting bonuses for 1000 dollars!
Congratulations.
You see that? You see how they responded to me? In that moment
No
Hes kidding. Dwight was kidding and I dont know why because it wasnt funny... and it was just horrible.
Yeah.
All right. Everybody in the conference room now. Lets go. Lets do it.
As your leader and your friend
Pam! Im public speaking. Stop public interrupting me. Actually
Yes. Good. Jim taking the initiative.
Oh ho hokay. You know what? Thats not a toast. Youre not standing up.
Okay
Well
Dwight is not going to do a job. Its sad. And theyre expecting excellence because I did do such a good job. Two years in a row. I killed. It was amazing.
Confidence
Its time
All right. You ready? Here we go! Wow. Its a little bit bigger than I remember. Come on. Were down here. Right.
Dwight
All right. You know what? Okay. No. No problem. You are lucky you have me here. Im going to cover for you.   All right!
Gooood morning
Im very sorry. I did not know you were wearing a hearing aid and I just thought you were speaking abnormally. ...And now the black guy from the Police Academy movies. A robot.   Michael Winslow
Car starting.   All right
Good luck. That is a tough crowd.
I got thirsty. Howd it go?
You would not believe what happened here.
Oh! This woman came in
Yeah
She might have been. So she says Fine. I will go to my room. I will get my purse. I will come back. Ill show you my ID. She hasnt come back yet. Shes probably in her room drinking from the mini-bar! Right?
Dwight gave a great speech. Thats the word on the street anyway. And I entertained Dwight to no end with my bar stories. So
Pam. Ms. Beasley if yer nastay! Janet Jackson. Hey! You having a wardrobe malfunction there? Or w---
... Oh
Listen
Well
Theyre cool.
Fine
Okay
I work with a bunch of nerds.
Oh
Oh.
Yeah
Its not that children make me uncomfortable
They want how many spiral pads?
Okay.
Just compare last years order to this years. Uh-huh. Yeah
Yes. Well... we can...  Sasha walks in
Nice to meet you.
Oh
All aboard for sales! Next stop
Dwight! Dwight!
What the hell are you reading to them?
Yeah
Whats a Nazi?
Dont!
Dont! Dont! Dont talk about Nazis in front of--- you know what? Theyre going to have nightmares
Why dont you just leave? Okay?
Alright. There goes Mister Poop. Now
Children cannot lie. They are innocent
This is where the magic happens! Right over here
No
Yes it is
Im not just a middle... man...
You are describing Office Depot
...Theres Creed! Lets take a look at what hes doing
Say hi to the kids.
Yaaaaay.
What are you doing? N--stop it! Stop it! Just--no
No no no
You know
Its true. I did.
I am totally serious. There was a show called Fundle Bundle and I was the star.
Its true! I can prove it! I can prove it
I want you to get the tambourine. Do you know how to play the tambourine?
Oka--
Okay! Thank you Ryan. Good attitude
Alright
I dont get why parents are always complaining about how tough it is to raise kids. You joke around with them
I am going to give you a little blast from the past of Michael Gary Scott when he was a child star
That... is Miss Trudy. Cant tell from the costume
Stop! Stop! Stop!   Yes! That is
Yeah.
Uhh
Can everyone please shut up
Oh! Thats me. Shh. Shh.
Coulda sworn there was...
...uh
Uh
Uh
I do okay.
Yes.
Okay! Alright
...I guess not... you know
Yeah?
Oh
Thank you.
You have to ask me that because you work for human resources.
Well
Tell me something honestly
What about...
...Jan. Kay.
...Or biologically.
Thanks
Oh... kay.
Yes
Hey
You... who are on the road... must have a code... that you can live by...   and so... become yourself... because the past... is just a goodbye... and teach... your children well...
One more time.   You...
So
Dont worry about Phil. He drives a corvette. He is doing just fine. Okay. Calling cards are... the wave of the future. These things sell themselves.
You know what? Thats a nice attitude
Yes! Thank you! You will get rich quick. We all will!
You know what
Alright
Oh ho ho! What?
Thank you! Thats really nice.
Today is my B-day
Whats up?
Ah
Yeah.
Ohh
No no no
Thank you very much. It is from Italy.   Actually--- no
Good luck. One of a kind.
Not necessary
Dont! Nope! Please
Lets get the party started. Not the way I taught you!
Yeah?
Oh
Hey
It is urgent
Really? Cause
Thanks.
Nope. Totally private. You can say whatever is in your heart.
to Ryan
Somebody brought in donuts for my birthday!
Thanks.
Somebody got donuts for my birthday!
You didnt know it was my birthday.
Well
Mmm.
Here we go. Ohhhkay
Okay. Im so nervous.
When I was seven
Stop it. Stop! What is that?
Yeah
Youre making it worse. I bet Luke Perrys friends dont treat him like this  .
What?
Ohhh
Ohhh
Ohh
Okay.
Thank you.
Whoa whoa! Alright. Alright. Watch it... please.
Get in here... everybody.
Birthday party subs! My gift to you.
The best.
Yes.
Well
Just the bread
Mm-kay. Get whatever you want.   And choke on it.
When I was sixteen
Kevin? Respect the birthday please.
Are you done? ...Good. Okay.
Uhhh... blow out the candle. Okay. Mmmm...
... I asked for trick candles.
Okay. Well
... Aww
There you are. Good news. Did some research. It turns out that 98% of people with skin cancer fully recover.
Yeah
And laughter... also.
Why are you here? I didnt even invite you to my birthday party.
Nyeh
Well
Excuse me
How dare you sir. You are gross.
That should not be there.
No
Yeah
Hey Pam
Kevin. You heard anything yet?
Okay. Well. Live strong.
Alright.
Yeah. Carol? She sold me my condo! Hey! What
Oh
Oh
Cool. Alright. Grab on. Here we go. Ready? Hang on tight. Alright. We are moving. We are reaaallly mooovin now!
Push. Good! Thats great. You got it.   Excuse me.
Oh... God...   God!   Were gonna beat this
Well
Okay
Cool. Ohh. Great. From Dwight.
Thank you... Dwight. Thats great. Thanks.
Yeah.
Oh! You didnt need to do that. ...Nightswept. This is... really amazing. Thank you. I love it.
Ry
Narc!
I wasnt attempting to compliment you.
Uuf
Okay...
Why dont you just cool it
Thanks. M-m-munchies. Who wants some munchies?
Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Whos he calling? Ratting somebody out. Narc! Narc! Kevin?
Remember the narc bit?   Uh-oh
Waa... what? What are you talking about?
Two nights ago
Okay
I can do that
Hmmm. Ha.   Alright. Great.
It has come to my attention that some people here think that the use of drugs is something to laugh about.
No
I am ridiculously anti-drug. So anti-drug that I am above suspicion in any way that involves suspicion
Drugs ruin lives people. Drugs destroy careers. Take Cheech and Chong everybody knows that Cheech and Chong are funny
Are these facts scaring you
Do you think that smoking drugs is cool? Do you think that doing alcohol is cool?
Okay
Yes it is.
Okay
I can test anyone randomly
Okay
Really?
Jim its okay. You can t...  Jim looks at Pam and shakes his head
The point Im trying to make with all of this people is that I hate drugs. I hate them
Yes
Okay
So I need you to do some work on the St. Andrews account. I need your urine. I need some filing done.
Just forget it. Just the urine.
Just. I need your urine.
Yes in a cup
Its none of your business.
Okay. Alright. Just
I need clean urine for the lady.
Dont think of it that way. Its like
A cup could find its way under the urine. It might be an accident. It happens.
No
Dwight. Well
Whats wrong? Wheres your costume?
Why? Wha...
Since you did such a good job with the investigation
Yes
So you wanna? Thanks.
Okay.
Good.
No. Oh. Uh...
Alright.   Well
Yes
Thats a nice tie.
That is... who makes that?
Do you mind if I wear that for the photo?
Whats the dealio?
Whats the problem?
So what
Yes.
Yeah?
Okay.
What do you know about conflict resolution? Your answer to everything is to get divorced. So...
Okay... what?
Yeah
A mediators tool chest. Okay
No. Okay
Just hold on
Win/Win is number four and number five is win/win/win. The important difference here is with win/win/win
Okay
Come on
Okay
Yes. Thank you
Okay... well
Okay
It is done!
Yes.
Are those all the other complains?
I would like to see those please.
You cant do that
Okay.  yanks the file away
Ohh... God. Alright. Why do I have to do everything?
This is from Kevin. He says Stanley uses his Miracle Whip without asking. Meredith complains that everyone talks too loud in the morning and the lights are too bright. Creed... huh. Duh
You will notice that not one of these complaints is against me.
How many of you have at one time gone to Toby to complain about another employee?  looks at all the employees
Thats what she said.   The thing is
Oh
All right
Uh...  Does she have to plan her wedding on office time? Couldnt she do that at home?   Who else? Why dont we just warm up first? Warm up emotionally
Here is a Kelly complaint: Ryan never returns my calls. Ugh
Makin progress.   Yes?
What?!
Stanley.
You got a lot of anger under there buddy. Come on start us out. Unleash it.
Someone complained that the mens room is whites only. Stanley
Okay
And... also
Oh... ok.
Okay
OK
All right
Uh. Dwight.
Okay! Calm down.
Hey
Stop.
Okay...
Dwight...
Stop...
Oh... kay...
Okay.
Yes.
Mm-hmm.
You know your I.D. says youre a security threat?
Okay... you two
Cage matches? Yeah
Okay
This morning
Every time I typed my name
By the end of the day
The Japanese have this thing called shiatsu massage
Hey
Maybe
Okay. Oh... actually
Good. Okay.
Hey! Wait. How about a group picture while youre here?
Well... thats... what
Itll take like two seconds.
Ugh... All right. Everybody
Come on
We resolved a lot today
Good
What?
You just press the button.
Okay
Thats terrible.
Lets pay Mr. Price Gouger.  rejoins the group
It was really hard getting a good picture of fifteen people. He would not give me a good discount. And eight tries added up.
One
But
And that is why the idea of a cage match is so universally appealing. But heres the thing about cage matches: sometimes you have to open the cage. And that is something Toby will never understand.
Tonight the Scranton Business Park is having Casino Night and we are converting our warehouse into a full-blown gambling hall. And I know its illegal in Pennsylvania
I try not to think of it as lagging behind. Its more of a David-and-Goliath thing.
Top 80 percent!
Yeah?
Jan
Emeril. Oh
I am
Oh
You know
Jan and I understand each other. The romance thing is sort of on hold for the time being
Okay
Well
Well
So get your charities in to Pam. I
Comedy is very much alive
Well
Oh
Why are you the way that you are? Honestly
No
What?
Thats a dog.
Thats a shawl.
No. Humans with AIDS.
Okay
There are certain topics that are off-limits to comedians
I have already put down the deposit. Do you understand how a deposit works?
Its Casino Night like Las Vegas. There are fire-eaters all over the place.
Well
Why are you here?
Not. I said
Thats ironic.
That you are afraid.
Dinkin flicka.
Give me some.
Yes
Who?
Do I know a Carol Stills?
Oh
Hi
Oh
Great. It has a little bit of a weird smell. Its okay. At Christmas
Actually
Yeah
Yeah. Itll be fun. What do you...  What do you...
Oh
Okay
Hey
I am?
Oh
AIDS.
Okay
Bye Hello
Right.
Yeah?
What?
Okay.
Problem. Good.
Good
Bye.
Two queens on Casino Night. I am going to drop a deuce on everybody.
Hey
Hey
You look great.
Oh
Can I get you a drink? The food is from Hooters.
Okay.
Billy
Your nurse became your girlfriend? Sweet.
Chilis is great.
Welkommen
Shut it
All-in.
Bluffing is a key part of poker
What are... Thats insane.
Well
Okay
You really screwed that up.
Yeah
Jan.
Look
After you said you werent coming
Um...
Hey. What...
All right!
Four!   Blow. Blow for luck! Yeah! Also
Yeah!
So close. So close.
Hey
Thank you.
Okay. Thanks for coming.
Okay. Talk to you Monday.
Good night. Shes a good boss.
Oh
Love triangle. Drama. All worked out in the end
No! That is the fun of this place. I call everybody faggie. Why would anybody find that offensive?
Thats what faggie means!
It wasnt just an action movie
Exactly!
Yeah
OK
I would have never called him that if I knew. You dont... You dont call retarded people retards. Its bad taste. You call your friends retards when theyre acting retarded. And I consider Oscar a friend.
Listen man
No. No its not. I feel terrible about it. I have been calling people faggie since I was in junior high
Can you tell whos gay and whos not?
What about Oscar?
Well
There could be others... I need to know. I dont want to offend anybody else.
Yeah
Hey
I dont know
Do some research. Find out if theres a way to tell by just looking at them.
Thats ridiculous.
Lets call him and get the website.
Well
I watch the L Word. I watch
What? What does that even...
Well
I think Angela might be gay. Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair? Maybe! Is that what this is about?
I dont kn--
Anythings possible.
Well
The company has made it my responsibility today to put an end to 100
Trick question! Cause you cant always tell
Nothing wrong with this stuff. At all. This is fine. You know what. Gay p0rn
All right
Did you know that gay used to mean happy? When I was growing up it meant lame. And now it means a man
Were all homos! Homosapiens. Gays arent necessarily who you think they are
Who should be the judges and juries of our society?
Yes
Thats great. Congratulations Phyllis. That is great
But still
Right!   And I take that as a compliment.
Well
No
No no no. The only signal that I am sending is : Gay
Look
You misunderstand-- OK. You know what
...and I just dont care who sees it
All right
Im sorry I called you faggie. Youre not faggie. Youre a a good guy.
You know what
Oh come on! Dwight! Come on
We are not in the playground anymore. There are new rules. We have to be mature. But we cant lose the spirit of child like wonder. What is love... anyway? Maybe its supposed to break all the rules. Like me and Jan. Or Oscar... and some guy. Life is short. When two people find each other
I am glad that today spurred social change. Thats part of my job as regional manager. But you know what? Even if it didnt
Oh
Pam?
Did you see Oprah yesterday?
I
Angelina Jolie was on. And she adopted a baby from Asia
I know.
Well...
Just do it
Um... find out if theres a cheaper
Eight months?
I dont even know if Ill want a baby in eight months.
You know what
Twenty years.
Thirty.
Its a deal.
Yesh.
Right there. Ah.
Per diem.
Guess where I am going. I will give you a hint. It is a booze-fueled s*x romp
Sleep with who? Whom
Oh
Yeah
Really? Okay. Well
Um. Okay
You got that?
Write it down.
Um.
Hey
Good to see you. There he is! Theres the traitor! Traitor! Traitor! Come here
I was shocked when he told me he was transferring to Stamford. Its like the firemen. You dont leave your brothers behind
Yeah! Wow
Hey!
Ah.
Jan? Look
The eight-hundred pound gorilla in the room. Carol. Im still dating her
Thank you for being so brave with all of this. Thank you.
I know! That is specifically why I chose a room close to the elevator. More foot traffic.
That is crooked on that side.
Hey hey!
Yeah.
Well
Hey
Wish I was. I love inside jokes. Id love to be a part of one someday.
All right
Ugh
SWAG! Stuff we all get. I basically decorated my condo for free with all of my SWAG.
Check it out. Hi
You know what? Im having a huge blowout tonight
Well
So maybe. See ya.
Because hes afraid to fly.
Do you remember me from last year? Theres a party in my room
Yep. Yeah
I dont have to
See you in a bit. Bye-bye.   May I have a moment of your time please?
I need you to do something for me.
I want you to dig up some dirt on Josh. Find out if there are any skeletons in his attic.
And?
Business has been pretty crazy around the office.
Yeah. Moved Ryan over to your desk.
I will call him later with that message.
Toby Flenderson is everything that is wrong with the paper industry. Is he why you left?
Opportunity
Hey
Youre welcome.
No
I have generated a lot of interest in my party this evening.
The party Im having tonight in 308. Obviously
Any messages for 308? All right.
Hey hey
Whats up?
Hey
Oh
Okay! Excellent. Oh...
Shut it.   Hey
Yes. That is Josh and Dwight and Jim.   Pam says hi.   Have fun on your date! Very good
You first.
Not. It hit the rim. Okay
Well
Come on!
Come on!
Fine.
Jim and I have different definitions of friendship. I think its talking and being friends
Okay
Sorry
Yes
Used to be. Evan will call you in the morning to work out the details. We can now sell HammerMill products.
Yeah
Hey
This is the party.
Party central! So
People have been filtering in and out.
What?
Sure. You like Cosmos?
Sure
I get it! No
Im not better than Josh.
Oh my God. You dont even know. Shes single now.
Im sorry
Yeah.
I will. Ill talk to her. You should at least talk to Roy. I mean
Hey! No
Evan
Hey
Best friends.
Some people need dozens of friends to say
Now
Whoa. What are those stains?
Oh
Ahhhhhhhhh.   Im hungry.
Movie Monday! The only cure I know for the Monday blues is... Varsity Blues!
Lets gooooo! Lets go
Alright
Yes pleeeeease! Thank yooouuu!
Entourage!
Kevin
Dont whine. Get the window.
Previously on Varsity Blues...
Hi Jan! Hope you brought the Milk Duds!
People work faster after...
No... they have to... to make up for the time they lost watching the movie.
Ok.
Ouchy.
Three hours
Hi.
Oh. Thats nice.
...what?
...you were at the dentist?
Ok.
What was Dwight thinking? That he could turn Jan against me? Shes my ex-lover! ...ish.
Hey Dwight.
Do you want an M&M?
No seriously. You should have an M&M
Theyre good
Hey. I thought you werent supposed to eat anything for a couple hours after youve had a crown put in.
Sounds like a good dentist.
Whats his name?
Your dentists name is Crentist.
Huh. Sounds a lot like dentist.
Let me see your teeth. Let me see em. Let me see em.
You should... floss.
Well then... I am glad youre ok.
Business is like a jungle. And I... am like a tiger. And Dwight
Dwight
Wow
Ohhhh. Arrrgggh!
Well
Yeah. You know what the craziest part of this is? She demoted me to your job!
And she said that you should be expecting a call later from corporate
I know. I told her I didnt know whether youd wanna do it... because youve always been so loyal to me. Youve been my most trusted ally.
Yep
Perfect
All right. Well then
Ohh..
Cant you? Thats so nice.
Well... I guess we should go tell the troops.
Hey
You might think that I am kidding
Because
Because thats all it takes.
Ok
Oh
No
I... wont. I wont.
Well
Its a corporate lease Dwight
What?
But you said you liked it. Youve always admired it.
Take it back.
Thats my car.
THATS MY CAR.
I know
Jan called me about your little meeting!
I know
Oh do you? Do you like the Sebring--- HOW DARE YOU?! How dare you
Give me one good reason why I should fire you RIGHT HERE ON THE SPOT?!
Not. Good. Enough!
I have a laundry machine!
I dont know if I can trust you anymore.
You can get up. Get up.   And you can hug it out
Hug it out
Yep. Yeah
Hey Ryan
Oh
All right
There you go.
Youre welcome.
Dont mind if I do. See you in a minute.
There you go
Theres coffee in the kitchen
All right. Okay.  goes back down pretend stairs
I am like Bette Midler in For the Boys. Gotta keep the troops entertained.
All right.
Oookay. Let me see if I have his cell. Is this the only reason you are calling
Oh
Attention
Yes
Thats right
So did you hear the news?
Yeah.
Oh

Yeah. Mmmmmm.
Yeah. Must really have you thinkin.
The older you get
What?
Oh my God.
That is just not the way a Dunder Mifflin manager should go
So
What are you doing?
I didnt... he was driving on the road and he went under a truck. And thats when his head was separated from the rest of him. And I will let you know more as soon as I find out.
I dont understand. We have a day honoring Martin Luther King
You really dont get it
A statue.
Yeah.
Well
We could have his eyes light up
I think that is a great way to honor Ed.
Life-size.
Well
Mm hm.
Oh do you? You know who wished they could get back to work is Ed Truck.
But Ed truck cant because he is---
DEAD.
Thats perfect.
Oohh... can you imagine how much blood there was? If it happened right here
What?
Well
Well
There are five stages to grief
I am going to throw you this ball. When you catch the ball
Okay
Okay
Yeah. Pam
Okay
Oh
Okay... Im going to toss the ball to Pam.
Wow. If you wanna cry
Do you want to talk about it anymore?
Wait a second. Thats Weekend at Bernies.   Do you think that this is a game?
All right
You are not leaving. No! We are not done.
Yeah. Well
How do you know?
That that bird was dead? Did you check its breathing?
Was its heart beating
Oh
Oh my God! Oh my God
Oh shhhh--oot!
No
No
Well
We dont know if its dead.
Attention everybody. This will only take a second of your time. Today at 4 p.m. we will be meeting in the parking lot to have a funeral service for this bird.
Well
No
Its okay. Its okay.   Shh... yes
What are... What are you doing?
No
Glad you could all make it.
Dwight
You made this? Wow.   Thats... thats very nice.
Yes.
Shhh.
Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well
Uhhh... nothing.
Yeah
Wow. Well. Ok. I dont care how your day was either
I worked. And then I went home to my condo. And Carol came over. And then we had s*x. Is that what you want to hear?
Never ever
Hey Koselli
Productivity is important but how can I be productive if I have this one little thing in my brain? That I cannot get out. And that one little thing is a soft pretzel. So Im just going to have my soft pretzel
Oh
Uh huh.
Hey
No
No
Get in the back please.
Boooooo. Thank you.  . Thats right.
No cuts. Oh
I thought that maybe you could wait in line for me while I go to the bathroom. Youre an angel.
Because I like them a certain way
Pam
Hi. Please tell me that you have a sweet pretzel left.
Thank God.
Is there anyway that you could do all
All right! Thank you!
Mr. Kosseli. Hey hey hey
Oh! Hey! Everyone
Yes
And I will be taking questions.
Carmel Dip. But
Hey
AM or PM?
Oh
Oh. Koselli. With the Jello.
Yes. Right. Good.
Goodnight!
Nice dress
OK.
Tonight
How come you didnt get me one?
Hey. Hey. Stop that. That is offensive. Indians do not eat monkey brains. And if they do... sign me up... because I am sure that they are very tasty and nutritional.
Its important that this company celebrates its diversity. And you know what
Wha? Really? You should! Its fun.
I love the people here. And if there was one thing I di... dont really care for is that they can be terribly
Diwali is a very important holiday for the Hindus. But
Kelly?
Um... why dont you tell us a little bit about the origins of the holiday.
All right
Now
Okay. Spoiler... alert.
Just stop it.   Whats the... oh
And another thing about the Indian people... they love s*x positions. I present to you the Kama Sutra. I mean look at that. Whos seen that before?
Thank you
Well
No...
No
No. This is delightful
My Indian Culture Seminar was going great until Toby decided that he was too immature to deal with culturally explicit images. Its just s*x. People... everybody does it. Im doing it... with Carol! Probably tonight.
What does that look like to you?
No ones even going to notice.
Hey
Ill have one of those as well. Thank you very much. Now these are limes
Oh
No. These smores are disgusting.
Do you think they have any smores?
All they are is chocolate
Wow
Wow.
Oh! Shes not a cheerleader. She thought this was a costume party! Um... no
She is. Very fair and very kind. So... um... tell me
Im going to be.   Hi
What do you say?
I didnt hear you.
Oh
No. I get it. I get it. Youre not ready. Well wait. This is a classic...
Yeah
Yes.
Ok. Okay. Good night.   Hey
All right. Good night.
Oh
Thats so spicy.
Oh. You waiting for a call?
Wow. Pam. When Carol said No. tonight
I was in that marriage arena
Yeah. Uuuuh... well.
Were so alike. So alike.
What are you doing?
Im... what? I didnt
Can I have a ride home?
These are not my shoes. This is just like that show Taxi Cab Confessions.
Sorry.
This is going out to Indians everywhere. Its a tribute to one of the greats... Mr. Adam Sandler.   Diwali is a festival of lights. Let me tell you something. Tonight has been one crazy night. So put on your saris
There she is - Jan Levinson. First...
...thing in the morning. Love to start my morning with a hearty bowl of Jan.
Just call me Levinson in the morning
Yes.
I dont understand.
On whoms authority?
What?
Youre welcome.
Am I a small number person or a severance package person?
Oh...   Oh
Well...
Oh
Oh really
It is an outrage
Pictures. Memories.   Look at that. They grow up so fast.
Dont say that. That just sounds weird. Please.
Well... we have nothin to talk about
Yeah
Nothing. Just checking in. I cant tell you
Nothing
What?
Do I have any messages?
Ok
Listen up
You knew about this all along
Traitor. You are a traitor.
I dont know. Probably not. This is the worst.
Darryl. Noble Darryl.
I know
So
Awesome.
This is my house. The CFO is taking away my house and giving it to Josh. And Josh is giving the garage to Bob Vance.
All right
Yes. This might get ugly. I need backup.
Go to New York
No... way.
No. Theres no one else.
Okay
Why?
You sent him cards? You never met him.
Okay
I will improvise. I will speak from the heart.
All right.
Yes
Stop... stop it! Just
Because hed be intimidated and I
Dont touch me this time.
Excuse me

The office.
No
Anything?
What if this doesnt work? What is the office actually goes under?
All right
That was hilarious. The foam ...
Oh
Oh
God
What are we still doing here? Its over. Lets go home. Get the car.
Oh
What?!
We did it? We did it.
Right here! Right here!
Yeah
We did it!
How did we do it?
I dont understand.
Here... Whos here?
Yes
Karen Filip...   Ka-ren Fili-pell-li.
Okay.
My branch is absorbing the Stamford branch. Or
Whos next?
Andy Bernard.
Saint Bernard.
What?
Im not...
Im not firing somebody on the first day.
Got the food? Good! Looky-looky-looky. What I want you to do... set it up in the conference room
Ah! Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding. Our first arrival. Welcome to Scranton. This is Hannah Smoterich-Barr.
Welcome to our humble abode. Follow me to your desk. Your ball and chain is right over here.
You know for a lot of these people this is the only family they have. So... As far as Im concerned
Ah! There he is Tony... whats your last name?
Gardner! I knew that. There you go. Gift bag... for you.   Okay.
Well
Wh..and coupons... to various hot spots around Scranton.   All right! Let me show you to your area
Welcome.
Welcome
Mmm... dah. I am actually your boss
Ah! You must be Andy Bernard. Aloha and welcome!
A-ha-ha-ho. Very good! Welcome to our little kingdom. Ah
Oh.
They are nifty! Theyre nifty gifties.
You know who I really like? Is this guy Andy Bernard. He has got this very likable way about him.
No way. Get him out of here. We dont want any of this kind in here. Good to see you
How are you? Martin Nash
Free of charge. Follow me
Right.
I present the orientation video.
Not now.
I told you the titles are irrelevant. They just relate to pay scale.
It is not a matter of more or less. Your pay is just different. Okay? All right! Show time
I dont care! Dwight! You all report to me! Thats all that matters! The rest of it just work out amongst yourselves
Work it out amongst your selves!
Please! I have a company to run. Well
Will you?
Please?
Okay. Everybody settled in? Good. Why dont we all proceed in to the conference room? Or
Yoko shack.
Nope
Nope. Um... for the guests it is. For you
Well
No
Wrong. Toby
Lets face it. Moving to a new job can be very stressful. So I have made an orientation video especially for you newcomers. But its not like any orientation video that any of you have ever seen. Its funny. Its got a little bit of a zing to it and I hope that it gives you a flavor of what were all about here at Dunder Mifflin. And what were all about here in Scranton. So lets just all laugh together and watch Lazy Scranton.
Sittin in my office with a plate of grilled bacon
So check out how we live
They call it Scranton.
The Electric City. Scranton.
The Electric City. Call poison control if youre bit by a spider.
I am so scared... when people dont label their personal food.
You like coal mines and you wanna see em
Spot. Scranton. What? The Electric City. Scranton.What? The Electric City. Scranton. What?
Well
Oh-kay. Sorry to interrupt. I...
All right.
Okay.
What is that? A squids eye or...
How did you...
People hate people that are different from them. Thats natural. But you know what makes people forget their differences? A great show. That is why I created the Integration Celebration. This is the moment when Scranton and Stamford come together as one. United in applause.
I know what a lot of you must be thinking. Wow! What a day! Feels more like a night at a party than a day at work. Well
Ssshh stupid! Um...
Thats it!
Yes
Okay
Oh!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Scuse me! Scuse me!
You me? You me? Me you? You! You! You me! Bow Bow Bow!
You me? You me? Me you me! You! You! You me you! You! Oh my nose so itchy
Okay
Okay! Okay!
All right
Why are the new people on the table? To show them that we are not above them.
Not today. No. Tony! Please join your cohorts on the table if you would.
I understand. Were all friends.
Oh
You know what? Ill help. I will...
Dont be shy! Dwight! Lets do this!
Come on. Were doing this thing! Lets get up.
Bend at the knees. Okay
Weve almost got it. Push it! Push it!
Im right in your crack!
Up and over.
Up and over.
Youve got it.
Youve got it
Whoa Whoa Whoa! Okay.
Easy.
Dont...
What...
I dont understand.
Well
You cant quit! On the first day. Thats   heresy
My management style? So... didnt you think Lazy Scranton was funny?
Okay. Well
You are fired! Im sorry
Dont try to apologize to me
Probably the best advice you ever gave me
Whoa
No. We do have to get along. Cant we all just get along? Or have we forgotten the words of the Reverend King.
The word merger comes from the word marriage. And that was what today was supposed to be. The loving union between people. Instead
Hey! Hey
Yeah! They punkd us! They punkd us good! Come on. Come on!
Man
Yeah.
Go home
Why? I will tell you why. Because they saved the worst for me. They put a hate note under my windshield wiper. Check this out. Its so hateful.   You guys SUCK! You can never pull together as one and revenge us. That is why you SUCK!
No. No
THIS IS EGREGIOUS! This is egregious!
See that? Mission accomplished. Like a bunch of fourth graders. Sometimes
Hi
I did. Major personnel crises averted. Compliment accepted.
Yes.
But do you realize that that was actually Dwights idea? Bad advice from my Number Two.
What?
Yes
So after a great deal of thought and introspective-shun
Uh... that I have not decided yet.
Thank you
Shut it...
Shut it! Thats...   suck up!
Ohhh
Ohh. May I?
Hey
Yeah
I didnt hire an ex-convict. Unless they mean Toby. Convicted rapist.   ... Im just kidding.
Hey Jan
Hannah?
Kuhhhh... you are such a racist.
Because you think hes black.
Stop it. Stop it right-stop it right now.
Why did the convict have to be a black guy? It is such a stereotype. I just wish that Josh had made a more progressive choice. Like a white guy... who went to prison for... polluting a black guys lake.
In our society
Sssssso
Good. All right.
Just... try to be cool.
Okay
Um... Martin
Hey Martin
Ah. Good good. Good. Just a second. Everybody? May I have your attention please? I realize that a lot of you have already heard that Martin here has had some trouble with the law
...Danny Glover.   Yeah.
Who?
Oh. Please. Colin Powell.
Yup.
Apollo Creed.
Close your eyes. Picture a convict. Whats he wearing? Nothing special
No. Thats not cool. You dont have to tell them.
That is awesome.
Well
Ah. Well. Thats not true.
No you would not.
This place is not prison. Its... way better than prison.
Okay! Listen up everybody! Um
Why dont we... pump some iron? Anyone wanna... pump up?
Its uh... two and a half. Im not going for bulk
Yeah
Oh heyyy. Martiiin. You have TV in the joint?
Ah. A ten inch black and white?
These people dont realize how lucky they are. This office is the American Dream. And they would rather be in the hole.
All right everybody
Do you really expect me to not push you up against the wall
Internet.
And prison. Eh
I stole. ... And I robbed. And I kidnapped... the... presidents son. And held him for ransom.
And I nevah got caught
Gruel. Sandwiches. Gruel omelettes. Nothing but gruel. Plus
Yeah. Yeah. Well
The worst thing about prison was the... was the Dementors. They... were flying all over the place
No
Okay. Okay
No! If you think is prison is so wonderful
They were very disrespectful to me
Okay. You know what Toby? I am teaching them a lesson
Okay nutcases
Martin went from being a new guy from Stamford... to a convict
Deck the halls with boughs of holly. Fa la la la la la la la la.   Tis the ... ack.   Hey!   I would like a nice slice of Christmas Pam. Side of candied Pams. And perhaps
Im looking for the toy drive box.
OK... Well
Umm... I dont know? Average kind?
Well
No.
Oh
Yes?   Oh Pam
OK. Did everybody get one of these?
Terrific. Good.
This is going to be the best Christmas ever. My girlfriend Carol is coming to our party tonight
There she is. A Christmas Carol. Hello   Youre about five hours early to the party. Youre such a blonde.
Hey
Turn around
No
Yes.
Thank you.
Not as much as I need a moment alone with you.   Berp.
That is my Christmas card. Its a picture of you and me and your kids on a ski trip
I know.
Right.
Yes
And next to your kids. What?
I dont understand?
OK
No
I got us tickets to Sandals
And its all inclusive.
Yes.
No
Id like everybodys attention. Christmas is canceled.
Keep it up Stanley and you will lose New Years.
Jim
Carol and I split up. Amicably. And I just dont think it would be appropriate to celebrate under the circumstances.
Fine!   Have your party. Just no guests.
Well
Oh
It hurts my heart. It hurts my stomach. It hurts my arms.
Thanks. How did you push away the bad thoughts?
Like maybe
And not that you didnt want to try them. Some wine may have helped. Do you know what Im referring to?
Take it from Toby.
Hey
Its all...   OK.
What are you doing?
Carol?
I dont have to buy it. I just want to taste it. I just... I just want a little taste of it.
Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend.
This is an old adage
All right. Nothing here to distract myself with anyway.
Hooters?
Ah
Why not?
Ok
Cmon Jim
Bros before hos. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They have got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you were nothing but great to your ho and you told her she was the only ho for you. And that she was better than all the other hos in the world. And then ... and then suddenly shes not yo ho no mo.
Dwight
Carol used to drink lattes.
She would get this little foam mustache...
And I used to say Hey
She totally got me. She understood that we didnt have to laugh to enjoy ---
Im already starting to forget what color eyes she had. I cant
Im just gonna call her.
Nothing hes doing is cheering me up.
Oh
Youre right. Thats good.
I dont know. No one can hear me. You know what? Start the party.
Ahh
Excuse me   Ah
I dont think... I love it!
I dont know what hes doing.
You know what we should do?
We should invite them to the Christmas party.
Oh
OK
The least I could do was give some poor sick kid a bike.
Nah
Oh.   Thats what she said.
Hello? I would like everybody to meet my new girlfriend.
The giant baby. Wow
Oh
Shhh... Shut it! Cmon! Party.
Were going to ...
I just think there are two
Do you agree about what?   Wow. Youre lucky youre so darn cute.
Whatre you talking about?
When you know
Check her out. My little gal over there. Babe-alectable.
Its... its one of those two.
Yeah... well
I honestly dont see what the big deal is. Stevie Wonder is married. Are you going to tell me that Stevie Wonder doesnt love his wife just because hes not sure what she looks like?
Hey. Wheres my girl? Is she in the fridge? Where is she hiding? I dont know where she is. Cause Im drunk
Haha
Oh
Hey
No
Where do you wanna go?
I... you know what? I
You want help? OK... Merry Christmas.
That waitress was the one.
How can you be sure?
Dont make fun... Youre making fun of me.
I guess
I
Oh
I had rebound? Yeah.
I totally rebounded. Someone else shoots and I take the ball and I score. Well
Yes
Hey
Blah
Just relax
Arent you going to ask me how Jamaica was? Say it. Ask me.
It was so good. Oh
Stanley. You know what? It is really good to see you
OK
Well
You are not as much fun as your Jamaican brothers... mon.
Feelin hot
You know
Got to see how Jamaicans live. It is great
Yeah... Gosh. Great. You know what
Inventorys at the end of December.
I specifically went on vacation so I would miss it.
Inventory is boring. In the islands
Tonight
The Jamaicans dont have a word for impossible.
How hard is a luau? All you need are some grass skirts
Come on in. Settle in. Settling. Settling... and settled. Good
No
Jan told me to play it cool and not tell anybody because it can get us both in trouble. So officially
Hey dude. I just got back from Jamaica.
Yeah
Well Im looking at a photo
Oh no?
OK. Well
Check it again. Hit refresh.
OK
Darryl?! Hey. Hi. Wheres Darryl?
OK
Thats great
OK. Well
OK. Um
And you sent that out to everyone?
I have a special assignment for you.
A sensitive email has been released to the office. It contains a file
Not important.
OK
Not now
Aww
That photo is my personal property and if you are telling me you went on my computer and stole that photo
This is probably the icebreaker you need.
I bet you would love all the details
No
OK.
Oh
She bought it?   OK. OK.
There an accident? Somebody hurt?
Oh. God. No
All right.
Hello. Hi. Attention everyone. Um
No
My point is that
Feelin... feelin hot
Hey.
Island living. You know?
Did she say what its about?
There are copies in the bathroom?
All right.
Guh.
OK
I...
I... I... Yes.
OK
Who is Dr. Perry? I...
And I
So
Well thanks for coming over
Jan
Jim
Sorry
You know what? Get Pam.
Pam.
Oh
Damn it.
Dwight
Yes. Ok
Oh.
Well
Well
Good. Next up
You cant pass. Youve got to pick somebody.
So that just leaves Dwight and Jim.
Dwight?
Here ya go.
Please.
Long story. All right everybody
No
Just bragging rights.
Its just... brrrrrr... Its Amazing Race
Whoah
Here we go.
Ugh... that is a long story. Um
Hawkman.
Lets go. The mens room was disgusting.
Hey
You know
You know what? Lets get right down to it. Dunder-Mifflin may be just two rooms and a warehouse
I think what Andy is trying to express is that while we have the resources of a large company
No.
Stop it.   Stop it.
Yes.
Ah
What?
I dont know. Who knows how words are formed.
Yes
He didnt say.
No
Dwight betrayed me once before. So this is his strike two. You know what they say? Fool me once
I knew it.
Where were you this morning?
Why do you lie
You are lying right now.
I know that you went to corporate this morning
Ok
Dont. Dont you dare. I want to know what you were doing this morning by the end of the day.
Good luck.
Yes
Yes
I said was.
What does that even mean? That is impossible.
But
Hey
Yep.
I dont know. Maybe.
Bathroom.
Wow.   What is wrong with this thing? It looks terrible.
Yeah. And you know what? Ask them about the toys on my desk too. They always used to arrange them in a very pleasing way. It used to brighten my morning.
Really? That was very nice of him. We need more attitude like that around the office.
Yeah
What did I say?
Huh.
Oh
No
No
Ah
Whos that sportscaster that bit that lady? Marv something? Andy is like Marv Something. Great sportscaster. Big weirdo creep.
Hey guys. Hows the workload on all of Dwights old accounts? Handling it okay?
Yes
Really?
Dont - dont do that. Thats not nice. What about you
Nice to have Oscar back.
Why would Dwight do that for you? I think I know why. Because Dwight loves this company.
Do you think that anyone else out there would have driven to corporate for you?
Pam
Um.
No. I dont want to do any of that.
No
Hey.
Whats up?
Um. It takes a big man to admit his mistake. And I am that big man. Angela from accounting told me what you did.
Yes
Hows this place treating you?
Oh
No. Im sure.
So
We can talk about that.   All right.
Ladies and gentlemen! May I present... Mr. Dwight Schrute!
Okay
Guilty.
Pam. I will shake mine and then you will shake yours.
So does this remind you of your childhood right now?
Wow. Thank you. Wow
And now
It takes a big man to admit his mistake and thats what I did. The important thing is I learned something. I dont want somebody sucking up to me because they think Im going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me. Hmm.
Hello son. If youre watching this
How
Yesterday I was scraping some gunk off my wall sockets with a metal fork and I gave myself the nastiest shock. And when I came to
Here are some things that I want to teach you that your mother wont be able to.
To jump start a car
Number eight
We will demonstrate on Pam.
Come on.
You just twist your hand until something breaks.
Well you get the picture. Thanks Pam.
And remember no matter what
Hes not going to be a murderer.
You know what
Okay. From the top. Ready? Three-
Hello everyone! As you know
Im sorry. I had a very different understanding as to what prima nocta meant.
Im trying to get everyone excited about Phyllis wedding because I want her to get people excited about my wedding when the time comes. Which wont be hard
Whats up spinsters?
No problem. The guys are having a little shindig of their own in the warehouse. From 2:30 to 3:15. It is the only time that Bob was available. Sort of a guys night out. A G-N-O if you will. A Gah-No. Actually
Yes. Yes! Oh! There-oh!
Oh God-
No
I cant believe youre not going to be there. Its going to be good
You should get out of them.
Its the only time he can do it. 2:30 to 3:15. Its going to be great. Were going to be doing some darts
I did not order a stripper.
Um
I cant get a stripper here. Sexual Harassment.
So thats what that means.
Okay everybody
Gay.
Okay. Co-ed naked strippers in this office. For realsies.
Okay. We are off. Ryan and I are going to go get some supplies and I need you to handle hiring the strippers.
Well get on it. And make it happen.

Gotcha
Im in the
Squarepants?
And you think thatd be sexy?
Oh.
Oh. Hello!
You wearing a thong?
Hello ladies. Who here is a history buff? Whos a fan of buff naked? Without further ado
Half pants
Hes in his knickers. Mr. Franklin
Yes
And when they came over on the Mayflower. Bow chicka bow.
Yeah
Look at that. Nothing like grilling in the great outdoors.
No. Yes.
But I got all the foot off of it.
Guys
Well then my man meat
I call shuffle. Here we go.
Ah
Nice outfit.
Hes right there. There he is.
Okay. Alright
Alright.
Okay.
Here we go. Alright!
Not bad! Not bad! You smell nice. Like Tide.
You smell like Tide detergent. Do you use Tide detergent? Ha ha ha! I have a girlfriend so...
Yeah she probably
On one hand I want to be honest with Jan and tell her the truth but on the other hand Im afraid shes going to dump me.
Really.
Well
Stripper? Could I ask you a question about women? Um
Wow. Thank you.
Not really
I went to a bachelor party and things got a little out of hand.
No
Yes. I kind of arranged it.
So you dont want to end our relationship?
That is so sweet. You are the best GD girlfriend in the world. Do you know that?
You are. You are.
So you know who turned out to be kind of a creep? Ben Franklin. And Elizabeth the stripper gave me great advice. Which rhymed. Really makes you wonder how Ben Franklin can become president
Always the bridesmaids
Phyllis is getting married. And I am in the wedding party. She has asked me to push her fathers wheelchair down the aisle. So
There she is. I swear Phyllis you are as beautiful as the first day you started work at Dunder Mifflin.
How you doin? You excited.
Me
Youre probably worried about pleasing Bob. A lot of pressure. Phyllis
Okay... umm... Im sure that Bob... Wow. That is... that is pungent. I lost my train of thought. Aaah... Are you set on that hairstyle?
Here
Just cover up that bald patch.
Okay.
You might be surprised to learn that Ive only been to one other wedding. Its actually a very cute story. My Mom was marrying Jeff. And they asked me to be ring bearer. I was understandably emotional and somehow my pants became wet.
I hate you!
Long story short: Jeffs dog ended up as ring bearer. And the irony is that after the ceremony that dog peed on everything and nobody said boo.
This strappy young lad sitting here is Phyllis father
Thats ok.
This is bull****!
Me walking Phyllis down the aisle was supposed to be the highlight of the wedding. And now... the wedding has no highlight.
I cant believe I pushed that... that guys lazy ass around all day... until he was ready to stand up and steal the show. Thats... well... I got news for you
Ladies and Gentlemen
Oh
Ladies and Gentleman
Congratulations
Agreed. No fingers will be laid on Phyllis.   Oh
Phyllis! Are you happy with everything? What can I do to make it more perfecter?
Im already on it. The chicken? Totally undercooked. I sent it back.
I will take care of that.
I do. I know a fair amount about fine food... and drink. This is a white.
Thank you
The most important part of a speech is the opening line. When time is not a factor
Phyllis and Bob: their celebrity couple name would be Phlob. You look at her... and shes kind of matronly today
is a guy that...
he works... Okay hold
No. Im not going to...
Ok. All right.
Oh. Yeah. Youre out of here! Youre... Yeah. I hate you!
Come... Come on!
Dwight
Look
OK.
ee... I was meant for you... buppity du bom bu.
I just want Phyllis to have a great day.
We are great together. We are a great team.
Yes. Yes. They were. Robert Parrish! I should talk to her. I dont want this to ruin her honeymoon.
Dude
Phyllis. Phyllis! Wait! Please. Im sorry. I just... I just wanted to make this a day to remember.
Yeah. Yeah. Hes kind of a weirdo.
Youre... Youre welcome.
They say that your wedding day goes by in such a flash that your lucky if you even get a piece of your own cake. I say thats crazy. I say let them eat cake. Margaret Thatcher said that about marriage. Smart broad.
Be careful. Oh no!!   Oh wow! Phyllis! Phyllis! You look like a clown! Here. Get me! Get me!
Oh hey
Huh?
Pop quiz.
Why is today a special day?
Todays a special day
In business school
A boss is like a teacher. And I am like the cool teacher. Like Mr. Handell. Mr. Handell would hang out with us
Here we go. College Roadshow. Gotta bring our... A game. What was the most inspiring thing Ive ever said to you?
Will they throw their hats
A lot of times
Yeah
I understand! Wow. Relax
We have fun.
Campus. Brings back so many memories. ... That I would have made. Hey. Frisbee. Check that out. Aww! What do you say we get our Fris on before class?  runs over
Okay
I cant hear what hes saying
Hello everyone
So
Okay
...And products!
Well... okay
We cant overestimate the value of computers. Yes
...I say you will miss our service
...We dont want them back
Nice try
Thanks
...Wait
Yeah sure
David will always beat Goliath.
Yeah
Dunder-Mifflin is the big picture! Cant you understand that? No
Business is always personal. Its the most personal thing in the world. When we get back to the office
You heard me
Fire you? No
A good manager doesnt fire people. He hires people and inspires people. ... People
Pam-casso! Sorry Im late
Wow! You did these... freehand?
My God
I dont see a... price.
Well
That is our building... and we sell paper. ... I am really proud of you.
What?
...Chunky. Do you want half?
Okay.
It is... a message. It is an inspiration
Can you confirm that the straps are tight?
And now
A lot of people think that magic camp is just for kids. And thats why so many other people in my class were kids. Self fulfilling prophecy. Its um
MAGIC MAGIC Magic Magic magic magic... And now
No. No. Everyone
I will get out. Oh yes
No. Alright
AHHHH!
Yes.
I cannot tell you how I plan to escape. Other than by using magic. That is the magicians code. Separately
Alright.
Ready? Come on guys. Early worm gets the worm.
Pam
Michael
Jimbo
Sure? Might be a good idea.
Go in together
Play some games?
I spy?
Oh
Hey
I am on my way. I should be there in about 15...
Thats what she said.
Uh
No problem.
Ok.
Ok. Jan. Jan? This party is actually a really big step for us. So
Ummm... I dont know.
Maybe.
Ok.
Alright. Bye.
Beauty. Thank you sir!
Thank you.
Shut up. Ok
I dont care. Oh
Yes.
Ok.
Hi.
Actually
Oh
No
Oh
Its been sitting in my car all day. Sun beating down on the mayonnaise. Just
What are you looking for? You bring dip?
Awesome. Im going to frame mine. I could frame yours too.
Over our love.
You dont have to
Its a heart.
I love this woman!
Rachel. Boy
Jan and I are lovers. It feels so good to finally say that out loud.
Ok.
It did. Like butter. Mike Myers
Yeah
I could go for an appeteaser.
Bagel bites or something.
Dwight
David
Here is to Mr. Iacocca and his failed experiment
Yeah. Do you have any ice?
How about some Splenda?
This one really smells like vanilla. Check that out.
You and the misses should join us at Sandals Jamaica next Christmas.
Oh yeah
Crazy.
Ok. Excuse me. Whats going on? What is it?
What are you doing?
Yes
What has gotten into you?
No
Come on
Dont take that dress. Stop it
No
Im not going to slam you up against the wall.
Youre acting inappropriate. Jan.
Rachel thinks that I brought homemade potato salad and I just picked it up at the supermarket. Its funny. I wish I could make potato salad that good. Its just potatoes and mayonnaise. There is something wrong with Jan.
Our first fight. If this is about what happened in the bathroom
You didnt have any of the potato salad did you?
Well
Im not going to cry. I feel like it but I am not going to. Why dont you just take your stupid love contract and tear it up into a million little pieces.
I want the house
Whatever.
Thats all
I love you
No need for consternation
It was a crime of passion
No...
No
Yeppers.
I dont... remember.
Yeesh...
Ok I want you to be Darryl and ask me for a raise
Wikipedia.
Wikipedia... is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject
Ok
Hmm
What Im saying is that
Ok
By leaning back
Ok
Walking out of the room unexpectedly.
Its a surprise.
Go ahead

What?
No
Oh it... sounded interesting... what you were gonna...
Yeah.
Yes
You know what? Actually
No
Tactic number six. Change the location of the meeting at the last second. Totally throws em off.
Number 14
I am declining to speak first.
Hmm. Ohh
What?
No
I do not buy womans clothes. I would not make that mistake again.
Ohh... kay.
All right.
Alright
No
There were these huge bins of clothes
Uh
Okay.
Would you stop it
Its European
No
Italians dont wear pockets.
No
Um
Negotiations are all about controlling things. About being in the drivers seat. And make one tiny mistake
Lets get down to business. Why dont you tell me why you think you deserve a raise.

That was a very good point.
You make a very compelling argument.
I am going to give you a piece of paper. I want you to write down how much you want
Because
Oh.   Come on. Be serious.
I... I cant give you that
I dont. Want me to prove it to you? There is... a pay stub.
Plus perks
Fourteen years.
No
Ok
A bosss salary isnt just about money
Oh
I didnt give you $40.
Okay. Okay
I talked to corporate
Well what am I supposed to do?
Im not gonna go out and ask for a raise right now. That is ridiculous.
Thats true.
You know what? I should.
I have been a loyal employee for a long time.
You know what? I deserve a bump.
I am makin it happen
No
Yshhyah. Um
Yes
Mm-hm.
Hey
No
Fine.
Toby
Where? Im gonna smack you in the head with a hammer. Come on
Yeah. Fine.
Dont ever touch a black mans radio! ...Chris Tucker. Rush Hour. I wont touch yours
Well...
Mm
Maybe Ill stay.
Well...
Oh
Pippity poppity
All right.
Whos the boy toy?
Were you going to tell me that you hired James Van Der Beek?
Be nice to get a memo
Pippity poppity.
Six percent? After all weve been through?
I got you... jade earrings.
No!
No. You gonna play it like this? You give me a good raise
Why dont you just take that pen and stab me in the heart. This is me
Okay
Ohh. It was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed. And then Darryl made me feel bad for not making any money. And then I had to ride up here with stupid Toby. And then
Well thats ridiculous Im not gonna make---
Ah
But you just said 15.
Negotiation is an art. Back and forth. Give and take. And today
Today is Safety Training Day. Toby is leading ours upstairs. Yeauck. But
Hmm.
I can
Guys
I thought your name was Pudge?
Okay. Um
Ah
Yeeesh.
Hey Darryl
Bailer? I hardly know her.
Yes
Its a big red trash compactor!
Okay
...would I go near---
Toby now has the floor... and he is going to try not to screw this up
Yes
Wow
Ok
Ok
Ok guys
Yes. Okay
Yes. Which can contribute to heart disease. Heart disease kills more people that balers.
Mmmm
No.
Darryl
Okay. ... What
Darryl thinks he is such a man because he works in a warehouse. I worked in a warehouse. Mens Warehouse. I was a greeter. Id like to see Darryl greet people. Probably make em feel like wimps. Not me
Pam
Working in an office can lead to depression. Which can lead to suicide. I mean this is really serious stuff.
I--- I--- Nobody commits suicide because they work with a baler
Yeah... you are... ah
Indubitably.
They use props. They use visual aids
I dont know
Nn--- Depression.
Yes.
You may be asking yourself
Maybe we should test it first. Letterman-style. Throw a TV over
Go buy some watermelons.
Just...
Lets do it! Drop that sucker.
BINGO! WHOA WHOA WHOA! Oh... crap. Deactivate the car alarm. Clean up the mess.
Find out whose car that is. If its Stanleys
Also
Have Pa--adge do it
Yes
I dont know if I wanna do this.
No. No more. The tests are going terrible. If we keep doing it
Rock n roll!
Thats right! I am not thinking.
Yes! Yeah!
Woo!
Woo!
I am ready to do this! I am ready to make a point!
My life! Oh
Everythings wrong. The stress of my modern office
Dwight
Yes! My head is in such pain! And turmoil!
Wait
Okay... thats...
Thats the whole point
Okay.
Oooooh
Everything is wrong
Dwight
And that is why
Damn it.
What is it?
Dwight
Dwight
You told me
What do I have to live for?
Its complicated with Jan. And I dont know where I stand
Do you really mean that?
Im braver than you?
I Braveheart. I am.
Okay. Pam
An office... is as safe as the people in it. And sometimes those people can drive you to do crazy things to show the dangers of the office. Thats the danger I found myself in today. I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? I really cant say. But
It is disgusting. I totally agree. Well
We have a crisis. Apparently
Everybody in here. STAT. No time to lose. Cri-Man-Squa. F and C
Crisis Management Squad.
Front and Center. Twice as fast as you would normally go. Any other questions?
To save time
You know what? Bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh! Forget it. Where is Creed?
Creed. Quality assurance. Your job. I really think you screwed the pooch on one
We have a lot of angry customers out there. This puts us at threat level midnight. Accounting
Midnight
Jim
No
I want you to bring a partner.
No
No
No
Heres the thing. When a company screws up
I have invited Barbara Allen
Here is your headline. Scranton Area Paper Company
OK
Mrs. Allen is our most important client... because every client is our most important client. Even though shes a pretty unimportant client
And so
So
I know
Well
We... are going to do everything humanly possible
The watermark... its a one time thing.
OK...
What... can I do
Well...   OK
The guys at the papermill--- No no no!
Im the head of the company?!
No
No--- my--- OK
Thats insane. Well give this to somebody who will appreciate it.
Doesnt matter. Out please!
Yeah
We gotta do something.   This is spinning out of control
No
Youre right. It will blow over. But its not... going to take... a week or two.   Do you know what this is for?
OK
Hello. I am Michael Scott
Thats how devoted I am to this job.
I know.
I understand that
Do you think youre taking it a little... literally
So Ill know where---
Im asking Pam to do it
OK
Five
Thats... they always give an ultimatum.
Good
Thought so too.
Whats happening?
Really? Is she OK?
OK.   Phyllis
Um... I mean did he even see Pam? Or
Im sorry. Its pretty funny when you think about it.
Oh
What? Oh.
Oh
Oh
Incidentally
Uh-huh. Prove it. Lets see your pen1s.    I... you know
In all the excitement
Huh?
I dont know. I feel... I drive a lot. Im spending a fortune on gas and tolls -
Um
I... uh
I am sick over this thing. Those people out there are clearly afraid. And that cant happen. Not in my house.
OK.
This is the last thing that Phyllis needs to see right now
Dwight
Attention
OK
See? Thats what were talking about. Did you hear that
No
Oh
That is not current.
You know what? I am the expert. I will conduct it. I know the crap out of women.
I
Nobody likes to be flashed. When Meredith flashed me at that Christmas party
OK
What are...? Shut it. Shut. Up. OK
Yes. Thank you. That was not necessary
No. Im being misogynistic. That is insane. I am not being sexist.
Yes.
Because wha... that was one possible explanation as to why you got that haircut.
I have to know whether youre serious or not.
Ye - OK
Youre right. Youre right
OK
I dont think shes gonna make it. Dont think shes gonna make it -
Many women are competent drivers.   OK. Come on.
All right. Hope nobodys on a diet.
Youre welcome. Youre welcome
Anything you guys want. This is your time.  everyone is silent or continues to eat
What
Yeah? Well
I just... I feel uncomfortable wearing the dress.
Jan says anything that doesnt scare us is not worth doing. I dont know. Maybe were different people. I like cuddling and spooning and she likes videotaping us during s*x.
And then watching it back right afterward to improve my form.
No
No
No... No
OK. Jan is smart. Uh
Cons. Wears too much makeup. Breasts : not anything to write home about. Insecure about body. Im unhappy when Im with her. Flat-chested.
Shes totally flat. Shrunken chesticles.
Im unhappy when Im with her.
Im happy sometimes. Um... when we scrapbook or right towards the end of having s*x.
Yeah
That sounds good too. I dont know whos right. I just dont - I dont know. I dont know.
I wanna break up with Jan. Wow. I wanna break up with Jan.
Wow
Oh
Lets face it
Mm. You dont want anything? My treat. Some panties or... pick a thong or... G-string. T-back. Get a nice bra. Padded bra. See-through
Oh. Oh
OK
Uh
Yeah
Do you have a... a crescent? A crescent Allan?
Uh... you know what? Im going to... you take care of that. Im gonna do traffic... detail.
OK
You know what? I need my girls with me. Pam
I love you guys. Now Im getting her voicemail.
Hey
Thank you.
Abso-fruit-ly.
No... No...
Yeah.
Maybe some Italian.   ... to remain friends. Or at least business associates -   Chinese?   who get along. Oh
Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable. Theres a wishing fountain at the mall. And I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. I wished for Jan to get over me. I wished for Phyllis
Ughh... Blech.
Just... all over. I dont want to do anything... Im dying...
Right there.
Maybe.
Not it. I dont have eggs.
Thats possible.
Uh-huh?
The CFO? Ohh...
OK
To what do I owe this great honor
And Gromit.   Jan? Is Jan there?
Oh
...you just gots to get your freak on.
Yeah.
Hmmm.
Really?
Wow. I wish I had prepared something to say.
May God guide you in your quest.
OK
Oscar
Well
Oh
Yeah
I want today to be a beautiful memory... that the staff and I share after I have passed on to New York. And if Toby is a part of it... then itll suck.
Hey Pam
We are. We are. But
What happens to a company if somebody takes their boss away? I will answer your question with a question. Its like what happens to a chicken when you take its head away. It dies. Unless you find a new head. I need to see which one of these people have the skills to be a chicken head.
I want you to write down everything that people are doing all day. And then type it up
This way to the partay bus.
Everybody
If you dont like it
Or the front of the bus. Or drive the bus. Just
Okay
Well
Like everything I said and everything they did and... Just dont...
Well write it down before you forget it. Thats... Youve just been drawing pictures.   Rrrr. I cant stay mad at you.
Here we are ladies and gentlemen. Everybody ready? Last one down is a rotten egg.   Watch out for snakes!
Alright
Just words. Inspiring words.   Not a contender.   For the competitions
Choose your tribes. Except for Pam. Not Pam.
Jim Halpert. Pros: smart
Im not playing.
Dwight is an obvious candidate for my job. He has the best sales record in the office. He loves the work. He is
We are going to choose team names. Dwight?
Hey
Then I will name your team the Red team.
I am also considering Stanley because of all the good that black people have done. For America.
Very good. Pam
Andy Bernard. Pros: Hes classy. He gets me. He went to Cornell. I trust him. Cons: I dont really trust him.
It is time for the great spoon and egg race. This one is with a little twist.
Shh... The person carrying the egg will be blindfolded. Please put on your blindfolds. That person carrying the egg will go down
Pam...youre missing things.
Okay Pam
Smart as a whip! Yes!   These are pre-cooked
Like umm...  ten minutes?
Thanks a bunch.
A good manager has got to be hungry. Hungry for success.
OK
No
Guys
No mustard
Come on
I cant say.
The winner gets a regional managers salary for a year
The winner of today gets my job. Ok? Im interviewing for a job at corporate. And theyre only interviewing a handful of people and Im the most qualified and Ill probably get it. Alright?
I didnt want to tell anyway. I didnt want to cast a pall over our fun beach day. But you know what? I dont know who to recommend because frankly nobody is stepping up.
Word.   There we go. Lets see it.
Four. Three. Two. One. Stop your eating! And the winner is Andy Bernard
13 hot dogs
Its very simple. There are only three rules. You must not touch the ground. You must not step outside of the ring. And you must always wear the safety mittens.
Probably left them in the trunk of my car. Its alright. Its alright. Here we go.
Aaaaaand
Nice
One. Two. Three.
Excellent!
I knew that finding a successor would be difficult. I did not know that it would be impossible. Thus far the candidates have been wildly disappointing. Uh
Check to see if there is a conversion chart in that notebook.
Please just check.
What does a great manager need most of all? Courage.
Your loss
Who among you has the guts to replace me? Let him walk across these coals.
No. No
Pointless.
Blah
Ji.. why not? Cmon.
You do not have what it takes to be a regional manager.
Whos next? Andy? Wheres Andy? Andy is never here today.
Because I already did. Remember? I burned my foot on a George Foreman grill.
Alright. Okay. Alright. Fine. kay.  clears throat
Yes. Count to three
Count the other way. Count... no
Wait! Am I going on go? Or am I going on three?
Okay.
Dont
Im not going to give it to you.
Being the boss is also about image. Ive never looked like that. That was gross. I just
Yeah. Ummm
God! Hes a comedian.
Whos Amanda Bynes?
Oh
You are being too modest.
Hhhh... okay. That is not funny. I am deducting sixty points from Voldemort for false pretenses. Okay
That is a very
Pam
WWWWIIIILLLLMMMMAAAA!
David!
Are we all set?
Yes. I just happened to be in the neighborhood
Thought Id catch a show.
Naaah. You know what? Since Im here
Um
Ah
Great. One more... question. When you merged those branches who did you put in charge?
Ah
Okay.
And Im really looking forward to working with you.
I got it made in the shade. I know this company. The other branch managers are total morons.   Hey
Yeah.
Yes
Okay. Uh...
Uh
Stop crying.
Ohhhhh...
Why so you can do it?
No
Moon each other.
All right.
Your loss.
Cruise control.
There they are
No. Not at all. I havent talked to Jan since we broke up
No
Yes
I have to buy another place.
I sold it on eBay. The buyer was very motivated
Who is D. Abramson?
Why... are you here?
Im good. How are you
Why privately?
Okay
Okay.
Pam
Uh
No. Shes an alternate.
So
Good.
Yeah.
Weird. Yeah
Hmm.
Sound good. Sounds fun.
Hmm..
Would you excuse me for a second?
Defcon twenty. She wants to get back together.
I dont know
No
What if she makes me?
She made me do a lot of things I didnt wanna do.
I wasnt.
Youre right. Youre absolutely right. Im gonna go in there and tell her that we cant be together.
Wow.
Im in a very good place right now. Thank you.
Okay.   Jan
Jan is in a different place right now
Yeah.
First got priorities.
Lets get back together.
No. No
Remarkable.
Wait
Very good
Yes
So
Your advice was good
Heres the sitch. Two weeks ago
Hey
How are you guys doing? Need anything?
I have been here a bunch of times
That is Beardy.
Mm-hmm.
No
I am by far the most qualified person theyre interviewing. Jim and Karen are here
Hey! Hunter! Whas up my brutha? This is Hunter
Jan in yet?
Could you give her a message for me
Just say
Oh
Hello
Good to see you. Here are the post-merger performance stats that you asked for.
Why dont I tell you what my greatest weaknesses are? I work too hard. I care too much. And sometimes I can be too invested in my job.
Well
Thank you.
Ive never been a big fan of the name Dunder Mifflin. I was thinking we could name the company something like
Okay.
Thank you.
It is always a treat when our paths cross. So
Yes. And I am very excited about the prospect of working under her... or on top of her.   Mm
I dont understand. So
Hey.
Pretty good.
Could have gone better I guess.
Cool. Maybe you should do it sooner rather than later.
Daaah
I cant tell you.
Wuuuoooh
Hey! Youre unstable!
No--- Were all unstable.
David
So
Good
You know what? That... is actually good... because
Good. Very good. Im glad we are finally on the same page. Still have my job in Scranton
Good. Thats all I ever wanted. These two.   Either one of them... excellent candidates.
I know. I know
Well
I dont know.   Well I guess... you could come and stay at my condo. I think I could back out of the sale.   Probably get some negative feedback on my eBay profile.
in the office
No. No
Everybody
Thats stupid.
You shouldnt have taken it. Bad management! Good thing Im baaaaaack.   Ryan
No
So Im back. And I am never
Back to work.   Still waitin on that coffee.
Ok
This is going to be a very good year. Very good. Jan is at home. Jim is back. My protege Ryan is at corporate. Good stuff. Um... Andy and Dwight are rockin the sales team. I feel very blessed.  slams on breaks
Ladies and Gentlemen. I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car.
It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital
Yes. She has a slight pelvical fracture
Yeah.
Gah. Kind of a good news bad news there. I was able to be on the scene so quickly because I was in the car that hit her.
Yeah
It was an accident.
No.
My lord my liege.
So Ryan got promoted to corporate
So I need a little treat for the gang. Something to win their affections back.
Well
No
Yes. It was on company property
Oh
Ok
No.
No! That is not funny
So
Pam.
Pam.
Ok
Excellent!
Good work Pam.
Yaaaaaay
Everyone inside the car was fine
Guess what
Eww. I hate hospitals. In my mind they are associated with sickness. Oh... She looks like an angel.
No... OK
No... Shes in a coma.
OK... Meredith
Yeah.
Brought you some balloons. Why dont we... here you go.   Tie these up
Nurse.
I am going to be sick... Im gonna puke.
Oh
Cause you know what they say in the Bible about forgiveness? Forgiveness is next to Godliness.
Well
Look
Come on.  starts to climb onto the bed with meredith.
Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But its not like a compulsive need to be liked. Like my need to be praised.
OK
Sprinkles?
Oh
Well
Did anyone do anything involving an Indian burial ground?
Like park on it. Or dig up a body... Toby? Anything you want to tell us?
Perfect. So our tragedy is your good luck. Satan.
Dwight
Well
Alright
Satan is a master of lies. Everything he says is the opposite.
Thank you for the permission. Psych! Alright lets just go around the room
OK.
Alright.
Kelly
Are you sure?
What are you?
OK
You spend your whole life trying to get people to like you
Maybe believing in God was the mistake. What did people believe in before? The sun? Maybe theres some sort of animal
Oh God
I was in the hospital room with her. How contagious is that
This place is so cursed.
I know a lot of you are upset with me for endangering Merediths life by hitting her
Turns out Meredith has been exposed to rabies. Which is like 10 times worse than a little crack in your pelvis. Thanks to me she went to the hospital and I saved her life. Curse is broken. Curse is broken people!   Oh... there is a God
Is there a God? If not
Pro-Am.
A woman shouldnt have to be hit by a car
Hi Stanley
Come on man
That... is for a good cause. Phyllis
Oh
Yes.
OK.
Alright
Shhh...
I know that youre probably scared of people seeing your fat legs in shorts.
OK
Well
We have raised
Hmm... Thats a tough decision. Um... I always imagined it with a giant check. So...
Yep.
You didnt contribute very much. I was also hoping to hand the giant check to a rabies doctor. And hows that been going?
What about a rabies nurse?
Thats possible. Look into that.
Have you met that kid? Hes not going to college.
Come in.
Hey
What are you doing?
No I didnt
May I enter the room?
See how I did that. Thats the way you should enter a room. You knock and then you wait for the all clear.
Yes
European offices are naked all the time.
Besides my shirt tail covered most of it so...
Thats not gross
Check that out.   Look at me
OK everybody
No
Hes happy because hes insane. You know what
Oh hey
Right? Wow
You got it?
OK
Just remember folks
Beow!
On your left!
I am fast! Im very fast! Im like Forrest Gump
No
Rabies victims... have to live with an irrational hatred of water their entire lives. So... least I could do.
That fettuccine is sitting in my stomach like a rock.
Excellent! ...Simpsons. Wait
Oh God
Take bat bites seriously. Dont get bit.
I am not going to finish. I cant beat rabies. Nobody can beat rabies
I cant finish. I feel so weak
What do you want me to do Jim?
No
Thats a good deal.
Pam
You just dont think I am capable
You dont
Finishing that 5k
Hey Mer. How ya doing?
Its ironic isnt it? I mean Im in the hospital for not getting enough water
Thanks
Im not really sick.   Nah
Hey Toby. Whats this?
I just want to remind everyone about the company rules involving PDA or public displays of affection.
Oh really.
Is this about me and Jan? In my office? Because I will have you know that that was consensual. What we did has nothing to do with you or anyone here. I dont think. I dont think anyone heard anything. We were very discreet and
No way.
Woooah! Wow!
Awesome!
You guys! Yes! Yes!
Oh kay
I love you guys
No
Hey. Can you make that straighter? Thats what she said.
No.  tries to hide piece of paper
Blowing up balloons I thought.
Pam and Jim are together. Ryan is visiting. Only thing that could make this day better is ice cream.
Hey!
There he is! There he is! Hes back! And hes with a beard.   He... He has facial hair. Look at him! All grown up and no place to go. Hello
Ohh
...business meeting --
Thats right! Thats right!
Fire guy. Dont start any fires
Look how big he is. Look at you
Beard.
Oh
Thats a little kinky. I dont swing that way.
Woooo!  I think Ryan has a gay crush on me.
Yes
Sounds good. OK
Yeah
OOhh. Gimmme
Ryan Howard everybody.   Good job.
Who is?
I am not old. You are old. You are like a hundred.
Yeah
Yeah
Good
We had a foreign exchange student live with us when I was young. And we called him my brother. And thats who I thought he was. Um
Hey.
Hey
I dont want to grow weird sperm in case we ever want to have kids.
Oh
Well...
What is that... word?
So older people have just as many rights as younger people?
Good
Have a seat.
Have a seat. Like everybody else.
Still my office
Hey
No
I was going to put up some new pictures
That is me. Come on in.   Who is this old fart? Did you just stagger off the street? Out of a box or something? Whos this worthless bag of bones? Well
Sure thing.   Scuse me.
Fine. Then I will call David Wallace and you can explain to him why you threw the founder of the company out on his ancient butt.
Bob
Eighty-seven years young. And still active. That is great. Did you know
Ah
Wow.
Oh
Great.
Great.
Thats great. Thank you for coming in.   Robert Dunder everybody.   Thank you. That was wonderful. Do you have a ride?
Perfect.
Inspirational. What have we learned? Well
No
Good night guys.
I disagree
I happen to think the old ways of doing business are better. And I can prove it.
Smell that. Do you smell that?
No
Yes
Ryan wants everything in our company to be about emails and IMs
Hey boss
I am glad that you asked
With peanut brittle
Ever since I was a kid people have been telling me I cant do things. You cant be on the team
OK. Were gonna split up into teams. Jim
Why dont we just go as teams to demonstrate our teamsmanship?
Yes?
OK
Gift baskets are amazing
Fine
No
Fine. Then God speed. To both of us.
We dont need luck.
But thank you
Business to business. The old fasioned way. No Blackberrys
It is in the body shop. Had to have the dent taken out of the hood where I hit Meredith.
I know. So whos next?
Who?
Wow
Yes we do.
Well...
Mmhmm.
OK
Well just
Alright.
That guy was so... how can they not know how much better we are?
That is true.
Yes
How do they know? How does this know where to turn? Thats very impressive.
And the last guy says No
Ah
Shes gonna be like eleven this winter? Wow
OK
Ah... .is that all you have to say?
Look
Well
No its not.
Why would he come back? I will tell you
Look... were also coming out with a website soon. Its a state of the art thing
Great
OK
I dont get it
That is a very good point
No
Maybe its a shortcut Dwight. It said go to the right.
The machine knows where it is going!
The machine knows--- stop yelling at me!
Let go
You sure youre OK?
Good
What a disaster
These people just dont realize what a gift basket means
What about that last guy
Hang up.   You know what were gonna do? Were walking back. Were walking back to that office and were gonna reclaim our gift basket!
Were gonna take whats rightfully ours! Were gonna take a stand
Give it back. The gift basket
Yeah
Look
Its been opened.
Whats missing... the turtles. Where are the turtles? Where are the turtles?
WHERE ARE THE TURTLES? WHERE ARE THEY?
May I have your attention please? This office will not be using any new technology ever
Ryan thinks that technology is the answer. Well guess what? I just drove my car into a lake.
I drove my car into a   lake. Why you may ask did I do this? Well
Exactly!
Maybe
Everyone always wants new things. Everybody likes new inventions
And the same thing goes for quarterly reports. They are unreadable. Theyre just numbers and boring and blech. So what I was thinking is that maybe we should have some sort of graphic
We have a lot of colored paper here... why oh why do we keep printing this on white?
Yeah! I know. I know. Its bland.
Maybe
Like
Alright. Alright. Lets quit while were ahead.
That was awesome. Thank you.
Some days I am just on fire. What can I say?
Oh
Mmmmmm. Okay. Attention. Earthlings. I have some news. Beep beep beep beep
And... today the Dunder-Mifflin Infinity website officially launches.
Well the website is the brain-child of my brain-child
The company is projecting record high sales
No. It doesnt. Ill find out tonight.
Whats that
Ohh
Okay
Okay.
Really?
Its the European cut.
Umm... hey. Ah
Oh good. Okay cool. How many pounds do you think I could lose by 7?
I had um
Why dont you wanna go tonight? What... all your friends are gonna be there. Itll be fun.
Just...
Yeah.
Thank you.
Na... no. No. If I go by myself everybody will think Im a big loser.
Do I have your permission to invite Carol?
Im sorry. Im sorry. Its just the first... girl that popped into my head. Ill find somebody I havent slept with.
So. This is the dealio. God has smiled upon me and given me two tickets to the big party in New York tonight. What are you doing this evening? Look at that. They have their own little language now. Like twins.
Alright. Well fight it out amongst yourselves. I was thinking Pammy but boys night out is also good.
Just let me know who the winner is.
Alright. Im ready to go and Im callin shotgun.
Yes. Thank you.
Oh yeah
If you are not this tall
You ever read this?
Got it for Ryan. Wanted to get him Oh The Places Youll Go
Same sort of stuff in here.
Mmwa. Mmwa.
Leaving Pennsylvania.
One for me one for Jan.
You guys should come over for dinner. You and Pam. Thatd be fun. Friday?
Wanna come over Friday?
After work you guys...
Yes. Actually I will tell you right now. Its a club called Chatroom
What are you doing?
No.
No
Yes.
Well the invitation says VIPs only. Is this how you treat your VIPs
You know what this is like? Ill tell you what this is like. This is like when the Freshmen would throw a party and wouldnt let any of the Seniors go.
Doesnt it just piss you off sometimes that that little twerp got the promotion over us?
Yeah. I withdrew too.
Alright who wants to party?
Ohhh
I think I faked Stanley out too. Who else thought that I was leaving? And they could all go home early? Gotcha. Gotcha. Gotcha. Well who needs New York? Right? We can have a killer party right here in Scranton.
Nope nope nope no. This is going to be nothing like the party youve been planning. This is going to be good and everybodys gonna come. Whats wrong with Dwight?
Oh hey! Good for you. Good for you. Scranton power. Alright you know what? Angela Id like you to come into my office in ten minutes. Bring something to write with and something to write on. Good.
This was a pretty disappointing day. It was kind of a slap in the face to realize that I wasnt as important as I thought I was to a certain young executive who I cared about. But
How we doing on time?
Good. These are some things that I would like to have happen.
Mmmhmm.
Those are just things. This is how I want it to feel.
I would like this party to be sexier
Yes
Uh...
I want it...
I want it to embarrass all other parties. I want it to be a party that the guys in New York watch on the web-cam and say
Yes you can.
Yes you can. I know you can. I wouldnt say that if I didnt hundred percent believe it. Who else could do this?
No seriously. Is there anyone else who could do it better? Because we dont have a lot of time. Ill get the pizza!
Good news.
Guess who just ordered from your favorite pizza place
Same thing.
You know what? I dont understand when you all talk at the same time.
Pizza by Alfredo.
Okay
sighs
Yup.
You dont have to say it like that.
Hey
Right
Yeah
You didnt actually think I was going to spend sixty bucks on pizza?
Okay
What do you mean hmm-um?
It is your problem. Thats no way to do business
Im not giving that to you.
No
You know what? This young man needs to learn thats not how you treat people. I dont care if its pizza. Good business is about respect and accountability and follow through. You dont just make promises and pull the rug out from under somebody
Yes you are
No
You ready to give me my discount now?
Okay
Alright
No! Im an adult
Yeah sales
Alright stop
Stop talking all at once!
Let go of the little jerk boy before he has learned his lesson?
You know what Jim
Im not kidnapping him
I think youre over-thinking it.
Yes
Trouble. Okay
He said no.
No
Mister Overdramatic
Ill just wave and introduce myself.
Hey
Hey
Whoa
Hey
I could have paid for the pizza.
Oh my God
This is Michael.
Youre breaking up. I cant hear you.
Mmm-kay. I want you to go in there
I will open the door.
And hopefully he will walk out
Yes.
See ya
Okay.
Now we wait
Not now Dwight
What a horrible day.
Bluh.
Well
Im going to get it.
Uh-uh
New York. Wanna go?
Alright
Here we go.
Mmm.
Hey
Guilty.
Oh
Yeah.
Im Ryan
I never sold any paper
I made it with my cheese pita.
I started a fire
And Im hot
Well
Wanna head back?
Coat!
Steak! Wheres my steeaaak?
Get me Armani.
On the phone.
Wheres Armani? Hes on the phone. Too slow. You are not going to Paris. Im so much better than you are.
I owe you an apology.
Yeah. It was awesome. Big surprise ending. Wont ruin it for you.
Meryl Streep is the bad guy. Never see it coming. Anyways
I havent heard the same about you. So lets just go with mine.
We already have a sofa. So why do---
It... folds up. Youve only seen it flat.
I--- Ok. How much is this going to cost?
Yes. Money has been a little tight lately. But
Its just that you say its gonna cost what it costs---
Put him through. Yes. Ryan
Yes
Okay
Wait
Oh! Um
Use to have two cars
You can not
What?
Oh no
How about this weekend?
Dammit to hell. I-I-ugh
You wouldnt understand. Its a secret.
Im sorry Mr. OBrian
I just love sales. I love it to death. Its as simple as that. And I dont get to do it enough as a manager
Hey
No
These meetings are useless.
Very inspirational.
Or a trained seal.
Yes
Im just calling because you responded positively to the---
...Stanley?
Senor
Have you--- Have you considered satellite television?
Well your son sounds like hes really motivated. I think its crazy the coach wont play him frankly.
You bet.
Look
It is not a waste of our time.
Vikram doesnt have my people skills.
Well
What did you get tonight?
Oh
I am going with the vanilla crisp this evening.
Thank you.
Really?
Wonder what I wouldve been back home?
I know
I wouldve been chief of surgery... Or a cowboy.
You know what
I actually wrote a movie.
Im writing one
Um
Thanks
Okay
Okay. Hows yoga?
Wh-Why not?
Okay.
Good night Vikram.
Hey
Im gonna have it one of these nights.
Good night.
Um... that wasnt much of an introduction.
Ahh
Yes I forgot about Ryans presentation. And yes
And the best way to start is to hit start. And up comes the toolbar
Why?
No
My other boss
What I do between 5:30 pm and 1 am is no ones business but mine and my other business.
It wont.
Okay
Why dont you do the presentation
Huh
Its whoever
No
Not a native speaker.
Well it sounds right
Thank you.
No one
Ive never done this before. Ive never quit anything in my life. So
Nick
And the other I was a Regional Manager of a small paper supply company called Dunder Mifflin.
In this dream I did both of these jobs beautifully
I am.
I was never in this for the money. But it turns out that the money was an absolute necessity for me. I tried to live the dream. I tried to have a job
Hey Kevin
Yeah
Do you know anybody in the mob?
Okay
Hey guys.
Whatcha talking about?   Okay
Hey
Monkey problem? No
Oh
I dont have a second job. Maybe Im having an affair with Suzanne Summers.
I dont talk to my girlfriend about money. It is rude
I totally agree with you. But I dont have money problems
Yeah
No you didnt.
How would that help Creed? In Monopoly when you go bankrupt
That is a good point.
Like the witness protection program.
Ive always wanted to be in the witness protection program. Fresh start
I... DECLARE... BANKRUPTCY!
I didnt say it
Yeah
You know
Oh
That is by far the best way to strengthen your core. This machine
Mm-hm. That is so cool how you have my name at the top.
Right.
How do they do this so fast? Is this power-point?
No
We will find another way
Youre a presentation tool if you think Im gonna tell Jan about this.
No youre not! Ok
She poses.
Um
What am I doing? I am blowing dodge. Im getting out of town. Whatever you call it
Runaway train
Hey Jan.
Not much
Im out of answers Jan.
I told you
I dont know that.
Ill stay off the grid.
Yeah it is
Thats really nice of you to say.
I think the engineer left.
Dont sell your implants please.
Thats nice though.
It looks cute though.
Yeah! Everything! Oh its all good
Dancing babies! I love it! I love it!
We are making a commercial for Dunder Mifflin today. Our first ad ever. Corporate purchased some air time in local markets to spread the word about Dunder Mifflin Infinity and they are even sending up a professional ad company to help us make it later so... its uh
Okay
Look at that. Even the receptionist is getting in on the creativity. Very good
Hello hello!
Michael Scott.
Regional manager.
Excited to talk ideas.
You know
All right
I would like you to meet Andrew Bernard. The Nard Dog. Who let the Nard Dog out?
He gives the best back rubs in the office.
Now this gentleman right here is the key to our urban vibe.
Stanley is hilarious. Phyllis is like our Mrs. Butterworth. Kind of a less urban Aunt Jemima.
These are our accountants. And as you can see they are very different sizes. What you might want to do is kind of a Papa Bear
Who else?
Little girl in a field holding a flower
Actually I dont get paid by the hour anymore
Yeah
Mmm. Okay.  commercial plays on laptop
Thats what Nassau came up with? That sucks!   Whoa.
Well we can do better than that.
The waving?
on speakerphone
Okay
Yeah
Im creative
Well actually I cant cook
Yeah!
Are you? I dont think youre doing such a good job here
All right
Hey guys
How about never hundred hours
Hey thanks. Thank you.
Yeah
Whats up my brotha? Listen
Im willing to stake my entire reputation on it.
Okay.   And thus
Has anyone ever come up to you and said
Well theyre wrong. You are creative. You are damn creative. Each and every one of you. You are so much more creative than all of the other dry
We have three scenes to film
Okay
Line it up Phyllis.
Time out
Okay
Stop. Stop stop stop stop stop stop. This is not me. This is not my music.
No
Okay
No. I said I hate the
Okay
Andy
Thata girl.
Did you
Ugh
Im about to send the ad to corporate... and it is sent. Theyll probably watch it right away. I know I would. Okay.
Pam
They could call at any second now.   Oh God...I better call.
Well
No
That was fun. Next round of drinks is on me
This is perfect.
This is a dummy
But
Well
Just go out
What?
Hey everyone
No
Okay
That could not possibly be it.
You cannot take the hilarious black guy from the office. Stanley is part of what makes this branch so extraordinary. The bluesy wisdom
How can I get you to stay?
Yeah we all want money. But there is none in the budget
Mo money mo problems
Pssh
Fillipellers
To the left?
To the right?
Okay
Yes
No
You can train him. Hes very very smart
Okay
Hi Ben
Im going to cut right to the chase here. Do you like magic? Because Im a genie in a bottle
Get out.   Uh
No
What is that guy talking about? Scranton is not lame. Scranton is the cool
Jim
What are we going to do? We are going to make a monster sale
Yes they did
Thats the problem
What? What? We did?
Look at his face! Look at his face!
What are we doing
We are going on a panty raid to Utica
Uh-huh.
Yes you are. Oh
We are going to make Karen wish that she had never been dumped by you.
In your face
Are you calling Karen?
Yep
It had to be done
Hey Dwight
Alright
Do you really wanna know?
Follow me
No
Uh
It could be badass. Yeah
Teach her to offer Stanley more money.
So
I cant imagine the s*x being bad
...awesome.
Okay
Im trying to think of what we could sell.
Ah
What is that? Dwight
Come on man
Ill kill you man!
That is just so disgusting!
Afro wig
Yeah
You and I are going to sneak inside and pretend that we are warehouse workers. And then we will silly string the beejeezus out of the place.
We are in a stairwell.
Theres a guy
Oh my God
We found something far better
Its enormous
Aha!
Were wedged between the copier and the railing. Ah! Ow! Ow
Save yourself!
Dwight
Dwight
Take her to a motel
Just say you wanna get back together.
It doesnt have to mean anything. Just
Dwight. Granted
We tried and we failed. Stanley
Um
Of course.
Really?
Morning.
Hey
Hypothetically
So if I were to hypothetically ask you to go camping with me
Really?
Oh
How often can you actually donate blood?
Your body only has a certain amount.
Yeah
A bunch of guys
Hello
In the wilderness. Its not with a group of guys frolicking around in tents. Its one guy
I wanna do it myself. You know
Im sick of it Jim. Im sick of this place.
When Jan and I had satellite
OK
OK. Thirty minutes or less
Hey
Dwight and I are going out. He will return later
No.
Dwight will be driving me deep into the Pennsylvania wilderness.
Where he will then leave me to either die or to survive. The choice is yours.
Yes
This is a very personal
When I return
This is what a true survivor man does. You simulate a disaster
Well
Well...
You...
You... you are as creepy as a real serial killer. For real.   OK.
I am putting this on so I have no familiarity with my surroundings. Now this way
No! Gosh! Dwight.   Stop it
Just
Look at those wrinkles. Blacks do crack! Not crack the drug.
flashback to Kellys birthday
flashback to Oscars birthday
flashback to Phyllis birthday
Dwight will take my blindfold off when we are deep in the forest. Just the two of us from this point out.
What are you doing? Stop. Dwight
Stop.
Alright
Alright
Thanks for the ride. OK. Leave me be
Day One. Im in the interior of the vast Pennsylvania wilderness. Ive brought with me only the bare essentials. A knife
There we go.   Much better. Now everything I brought with me can be used. My sport coat here
Im going to wear what was once one of my pant legs.
See
Some sort of kerchief to keep my neck nice and comfortable.
I am totally alone right now
Well it is a little chillier than I had thought
I have made this spear
Well if you take a look at this
Under this tree
Yeah!   Alright
Man became civilized for a reason. He decided that he liked to have warmth
Hey
What up?
You are relieved.
So what did I miss?
Oh.
Yeah
Uh huh. Yeah
Thats what I said. Thats what she said.
I never know. I just say it. I say stuff like that
Hey! Nice. Really good. Bravo
Ill call back.
Yeah
You cant always work 200 days though.
Oh
Yep.
Oh. Ah
N-No
I refuse. My house
Uh
Yeah
So
Yes
Well-
Disray .My friend Disray got news specs. Disray spect. My friend Inappro drives a Prius with his behind neighbor.
Yep. Tell them how much youre gonna get if you win.
Million dollars!
Four million dollars! Man that is a lot of guacamole. A lot of the green. Lot of green. That is why I have memorized Jans answers
Perfect crime.
Could we please pull over and pull down the top
Im getting car sick! Ugh
Hey
Yeah
Hey hey.
I would love that.
Abso-fruitley. Yeah. Ill-Ill do anything for the company.
It is.
Hi.   No
Are you renewing your divorce vows
Never. I want him gone. I dont talk until he leaves.
Okay. All right.
Yessh.
Well
I havent actually seen it. But I have seen the firm
Six years and two months.
Thats what she said.
Thats what she said.
Uh
Come again? Thats what she said? I dont know what youre talking about.
Well
She thought it had to do with the twins. Thats what I call them.
Um
Yes.
Yes
Well
Because before we started dating
I will allow it.
Uh...
Uh-huh.
Ugh. Well
If it was the first time we kissed sober
Line.
Jan and I had an off again
Whoa whoa whoa whoa! What are you doing with my diary?
Irie.
I dont think anyone in this room has the right to read my diary.
looking for a place to sit
How can you give up my diary like that?
Howd you even find it?
I dont like lump. Im really upset about this.
Fine. I love you.
Not a woman
Alright
Thank you very much. You didnt have to say that.
That was before our relationship. She was going through a divorce
March 17th.
Yes.
I am out of carrots. I am out of sticks. Mr. Scott has time and again proven himself to be an unmanageable employee
stares at Diane
How can you do that to me?
Dunder Mifflin has always treated me with the utmost respect
See? I was his number 1 contender. I was being groomed.
...Absolutely not.
Oh
Hey
I think youre a nice guy too.
Why did I do it? I dont know. Jan said that it was because of the photo that she revealed the diary. But she already brought the diary with her to New York
What do you want to do for dinner?
Sure trying to save some money... get something cheap.
Do you fast food?
Nobody likes to work late
Yes I remember. Mmm
All right
I think we should celebrate. How about you
You said you didnt have plans. Thats what you said.
Dwight
Hello.
Come on in. Good to see you.
Yes I would. So
Yeah.
Well we have been doing pretty much the same thing.
Except driving.
Well have a seat
Okay.
Totally your call babe.
Oh
Well
Yep
No.
This is it
As you can smell theres a lot of different odors going on in here.
Bond.
James Bond Fire. I am Bond fire
Guess what
Well
Thanks
Its actually a lot bigger than it seems. Look at this.
I finally broke down and bought myself a plasma TV. Check it out.   I actually hung this on the wall myself. I want to show you something . A lot of people in the room
Sometimes I will just stand here and watch television for hours. I love it
No
If you ever need any help
Oh honey
Ill get it.
Okay.
Very nice.
When in Rome.
Whatever you say babe.
All right.
How bout a toast. Shall I? Heres to good friends.
Kinda sorta an oaky afterbirth.
Yeah that sounds good.
You know what
All right
Yes
And he was laughing.
Look at him
Well you dont need two of you to do that.
Thats true
All right here we go
All right
No
No! It has to be a real person Jim
Okay
No!
God
Youre welcome.
I dont like that story babe.
Stop
Ha ha
So I spend most of my time right here. Have a hand  . So Jim I noticed you checking out Jans candles.
Yeah
Im sorry.   What now?
Dwight is my friend.
You said that I could not invite Dwight because he was not part of a couple
Whatever I want? Its never whatever I want. When I wanted to see Stomp
When I said that I wanted to have kids
Do you mean it? You want to have a kid?
Pam... I hope she didnt do anything to the food.
I cant prove it but I think she might be trying to poison me.   Hey
You know I have soft teeth
Excuse me for a second.
Ok... alright... here we go.   There.   Oooookay.
Everybody enjoying their meal?
Yeah?
No. No. Im gonna leave it up. I think it ties the whole room together.
Jan thinks Hunter is very talented. You know what? I dont think hes that good.
BFD. Im a screenwriter.
NO ALL YOU DO IS YOU GET ME TO TRY TO WORK ON MY RICH FRIENDS!
MAN! I WOULD LOVE TO BURN YOUR CANDLES!
OH GOOD. ILL BE YOUR FIRST CUSTOMER!
THATS WHAT SHE SAID!   THAT IS A 200 DOLLAR PLASMA SCREEN TV YOU JUST KILLED! Good luck paying me back on your zero dollars a year salary plus benefits
You know what guys
Nope. Nope. Nothing disturbing here. Just a couple of friends having an awesome dinner party.
Oh... yes. There was some screaming but... um... my girlfriend... threw a dundie at my TV. Plasma.
Would she get into trouble?
I will take the fall. I did it.
Jim? Pam?
No.
Nope.
Pam
Have you ever seen this woman?
Hmm...
Look at her smile. Those eyes
Oh
I think what I meant was that I was completely swearing off one woman.   Jan. I think that fate put this catalog in my hands.
What is it like being single? I like it. I like starting each day with a sense of possibility. And Im optimistic because every day I get a little more desperate and desperate situations yield the quickest results.
Ladies and gentleman
I am ready to start dating again. Getting back on the market. So
Listen man
I thought that you were engaged?
Whaaaat? God
Oh...
Yeah... ugh. Shes...   you dont deserve her. Alright.
Oh hello Oscar Mayer Weiner lover. I bet that you have a bunch of very liberal girl type friends that trust you implicitly because they know youd never touch em
What?
Oh.
Hmm
Oooo. Catcher or in field?
Is she a dress wearer or a pants wearer? Could we share a row boat? Could
I think Im being very clear what Im asking. Would an average size row boat support her without capsizing?   It bothers me that youre not answering the question.
Damn it
What is wrong with these people? I would do anything for them and theyre just hanging me out to dry.
Dating shouldnt be hard for somebody like me
Well
Hmm..
Well
That would be bad.
Wish I could
What part of shornt dont you understand
Oh you cant because I dont care. Listen
Ok
Hello Wendy
Oh
Damn it Kevin. OK
Well
Well put it aside.     Umm... yeah.
Good. Good because this batch was awful. Umm... this one says chair model...
That sounds good.   Go get her. Wa-Wait
Shes dead?   Shes so young.
Oh
Try not to be so hurtful Jim.
Please
Oh really? Whats her name? Burger King?
I dont
No question about it
No
Sorry
Thank you very much. Our suspect has straight brown hair. She is wearing blue jeans and a black top. So... behold our bachelorette  . Give her ten for looks and a three for her ability to describe herself. Hello
Ugh.
Is who a Michael what?
Oh
So you get the rent checks every month and what happens next? What...
Just making conversation.
Why is it so hard to meet people? I... you know... its uh... All I want is somebody nice and sweet and someone I can talk to and share an experience with
You wanna see what I walked out on? This is gonna blow your mind.   Look at that.
Yeah. Yeah
Oh
Now you ruined it.
Margaret the land lady? Really Pam
Oh
I dont know man. I was with Jan for so long. I was excited about meeting somebody new. Put my heart out there. Its just...
Youre right. What do you mean though?
Hmm.
How did she die?
God.
She was so innocent.
You know I used to think that I had this perfect person out there waiting for me
Oh
Bye
Return.
Thisll be   the day that I died.
I got gum in my hair.
This just stinks. Dont touch it
OK
I was walking in and I noticed something shinny under Stanleys car and I got under to see what it was and I messed up my hair
Kill me... right now.
I dont feel like peanut butter. Get me an ice cream sandwich.
Hey
Smells good.
Oh dont. Thats disgusting.
Well just dont leave it on too long. Keep massaging please. Ah yeah

I will be honest  the dating has not been going well. Look
Ladies and Gentlemen
Yeah.
Ryan has done a very good job
Well it has been nice seeing you again my friend.
Oh Ryan
Argh. Alright. Do you know any girls in New York you might want to hook me up with? Some that might be interested in a guy like me.
Na?
Well you tried.
Yeah.
They sound great.
Would you have s*x with Meredith?
Do you think shed keep it quiet?
Jim
Lets go to New York. Well go clubbing with Ryan.
Yes you can
Who you dating?
Thats still going on?
Ok
Sorry Andy. Cannot take any chances on curses
I am going to go get laid. Goodbye.
Thats... I
Ryans assistant told us that he would be at this club this evening. It is called Prerogative.
Place is packed.
Packed with beautiful babies. Swingers. Classic. John Favreau
No
Hey.
Hey!
Well you know
Alright!
Yeah.
Ryan
Ok.
Well.
Alright!
Lets do it!
Hey
Oh ok
Oh ok
I umm
Back to the Future?   Oh
Forty... Im in my forties.
Nuhh...
Oh
You are welcome.
This place is like sexy pre-school.
I would love a place where we could meet older girls.
Ahh
Youre kidding.
Ive never met anyone who does that. You wash dogs? Very cool.
I am a bank teller.
Ryan told me to always tell women you work in finance.
I think so.
Yeah
All right.
Very perfect.  girl walks away
She washes dogs.
I know. I dont wanna get ahead of myself
Yeah
Hmm...
I am. I am getting out there. Well
Those girls really wailed on you bad.
Well...
Pretty weird.
Lets go.
I know
This is it.
This is where the magic happens.
Very nice.
Dwight
Case anyone needs to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night
Dwight
Shh. Ryan
Shh
Best night ever.
Like I said
Everybody! Everybody! Listen up
Wet cement
M.G.S.? No. Some idiot named Mark Greg Sputnik will claim credit for it. I dont...
Once in a lifetime opportunity people! Come on
Here we go!
Lets
Okay... Okay
Its drying
Alright
Ahh come on!
No!
No!
No!! Come on
Pam
I love it!
I love it more!
I... love it!! Haha
Hurry
Thats what she said.
Today is a very special day for me. And its really not about me
All right
Ub
Ener-gize...
Everybody
Zing and pep
Now were cooking. I like this. Maybe a whole theme
An urban
Yes you. Come on
Stanley
Were havin a little brainstorm session...
...Good
Ugh
What are you blabbering about? Nothing happened.
That? In the conference room?
We were joshin around
Well you dont get it
Mmhmm.
Okay
Well sometimes my stomach hurts when you come into my office
I
Well
Uh huh...
Great
Whats the pink?
Ok... Is there anybody up here
Other than me.
I never said you could do that.
I...
Okay
No.
Hey.
Darryl
Its an advice question
I know
I knew it. Okay
God.
Okay.
Okay
Yeah
What is that?
Really?
I wouldve never thought that gangs would be tickling each other.
Okay
Its like a mock execution.
Yes it is a good idea. Its the only possible solution I have left.
No
Because I want you to behave as if Im actually firing him
Im not firing him. Im not
Stanley Hudson
I am serious
Hmm.
Alright alright
Thats it. And uh... do you have anything to say to me?
Okay...
Yes.
Thats not-
All right
Okay.
Hey
Everybody
I dont understand why you keep picking on me.
You just
Well Stanley
All right
I am good person
So Im thinking
Dammit
Hey. Ready? Come on
Yeah
Today Im heading over to the job fair at Valley View High School
Yup.
Why are you dressed like that?
Like youre applying for a loan.
Okay
Lets go!
A little over the top
This is all we need.
Yes we will see Oscar
Hello. Hi.   Can I talk to you for a sec? Excuse me.
Hey
Hes totally wrong
How you doing? Listen
Oh
Are you mental?
I... dont.
And that. Is why. I need a smart intern.
Hello there.
Well its funny that you should ask
Dammit
Yeah
What do you want?
Who cares? Im not there
Thank you!   What
This isnt Dunder Mifflin paper. Some sort of Pendleton crap.
Pam-Pam-Pam-Pam-PamPamPamPam! Were dying here. I want you to go back to the office and I want you to get the real stuff. I want you to get ultra white card stock.
Yes. And dont call me Shirley.
All of these jobs? Suck. I would rather live jobless
Hey!  walks up to Oscar and Darryl tossing basketballs
Just-in time.
Just-in case. Whats your last name?
This... just in. Justin Polznik! Huh?
Justin is the ugly girl in the movie
I want you to meet my family. Come on. Oscar Martinez. Accountant extraordinaire. This is Justin.
This is Darryl Philbin. Isnt he big? And you already met her
Come here. I would never say this to her face
So
No
I
Why dont... hey.
Hold down the fort
Today I did something stupid. I questioned myself. And I will never do that again. Because I look at somebody like Jim Halpert and I think
Yeah
Today is Toby Flendersons last day. I couldnt sleep last night. I came extra-early. So much energy... There are certain days you know you know you will remember for the rest of your life
Mornin.   So here we go
First thing on the agenda-actually
Okay.
Okay
If the Devil were to explode
Like a beach blowout? Or a toga
Toga!
I thought that you might say that.
Every year
I want a party that makes me feel like I am flying through the air without this... ugly weight holding me down
Phyllis
Tobys replacement. Ugh. Wow.
Well
Why do you hate her?
You know
Yeah! It would! Just have a thought. Have an original thought. Although
We need to sell her an elevator pass.
Exactly. A little old-fashioned hazing.
Yeah.
Oh
Nah.
No. I think I will pass.
Hi. Yeah. Right. Okay
Yeah.
T-No. He tortured me... with his awfulness.
Y-You can-Michael.
Thanks to Toby
Here she is! Holly... You know
I bet.
I bet. Are these guys boring your ears off?
Oh... What
You know
All right.
Yep.
Hmm... Jim?   I am downloading some N3P...
Music...
For a CD mix tape...
For Holly.
And Im looking for perfect songs that work on two levels.
The two levels being
And I... love you.
Hey
I think I do.
Well
Well
Oh really?
Like
Pam?
Yeah
This thing with Holly feels a lot like love to me.
I dont want her to get away.
Hello
And the sequel
Sit on floor and put together chair we will.   Yo-da. Um...
So are you in down this weekend? Cause
Kidding.   Acting!
Acting!
Yeah.
I did it!
I talked to her-Holly. Just pleasantries
It was hard. I wanted to kiss her.
Whew
Yeah...
Oh
Yes we do.
Ill let you in on a little secret : Ive been very much looking forward to this moment. Very
Can I just say that
Hey! Hi
Im just having a little exit interview.
Um
Okay.
Um... Alright
Yeah. Correct. Um... What gives-what-what gives you the right?
Sure. You know what? That sounds good. Ill take a little look-see.
Thank you.   What would you improve about Dunder Mifflin?
Well
No no no no no. Im not asking it. Im just reading it out loud.
Ill kill you.
Oh
What the hell is that?
Thats... What do you mean
No!
Okay
My gift is forthcoming
I am going to give Toby...
...Yes
How did you know?
Well... Thats my watch.
Hey
Oh my God. Ryan... Oh my God.
Im just worried about my friend.
Just
Im cool.
Holly is sweet and simple
No antigravity machine
Ferris wheels pretty cool though.
Thats what she... a lot of places are like that.
Thanks.
I like
Hey. What are you doing?
What the hell is going on here?!
There is a raccoon in the car
Why did you do that?
No. There is no such thing as playful hazing. Dwight
Shh...
Im really sorry.
Yeah...
Did you see that! Did you see it? Did you see what... wow-wee! Uh
Alright! Lets hear it for Darryl and his band.   You know what? Lets also give a shout-out to Phyllis for this awesome party
Probably the best one that we have ever had
I have done things like um
Or
I love to sing them
It was early morning yesterday... I was up before the dawn... and I really have enjoyed my stay... Toby must be movin on.
Goodbye Toby
singing
Oh
Oh
Just pay for it and well reimburse you when you get back.
What is it?
Yeah. Hes at the supermarket and he needs me.
Yeah
O-kay. Hello Jan.
Wow
Oh
Thanks
Wow. I cant believe it! Look at you!   Are you nauseous?
Do you-do you have cravings? You never touched my Propecea
Good. Good. Thank God.
Cause thats...
Wow
Because youre pregnant
... proud.
Um...
You cheated on me... when I specifically asked you not to?
Well
So its mine
You did?
When we were going out?
W-I dont understand. You always used to be very cautious... Id wear two condoms.
Youd rather have somebody elses sperm than my sperm?
IHop.
Im glad you told me.
Um
My whole life
Hey.
Yeah?
Oh
Well
Oh
Have a good night.
Bye.
Well this is it. I am here to see you off.
Sorry. Corporate policy.
You might take something.
Okay
Okay.
on phone
Did you ever think of this? Would a sober person walk in front of a car?
Well...
Thats not...
Thats not what...no
I am saying... that... maybe I was drunk. Did you ever think of that?
Okay.
Maybe she hit me. You ever think of that? She hit me? I dont know whose fault it was. I wasnt exactly looking at the road.
You know what
Hey! Okay
Lets just... Why cant you just forgive... Why
Im not going to leave until you forgive me.
standing for a while
This office is cursed.   And we need to do something about it.
Maybe the conference room
On the one hand
We have to have done something wrong.
That was the curse
Oscar
Oh. Great. We have a secular humanist here
Yes. It is a philosophy which says people can improve their lives by using reason instead of religion or superstition.
Stupid.
Yeah
Whoa
Oh
Come on
Oh
Okay!  Bob Vance and Michael in an all-out sprint
Thanks.
Well
Hey
Yes. My old friend Ryan Howard is coming back today for some big presentation. Very
Oh
You dont want me to help?
Yes?
Um... yes
I think I know whats going on. Ryan believes that there is some sort of special boss water that he gets to drink now. And there isnt. But
Ryan is causing some problems. And you were always good at handling him. What should I do to control him?
I know
Uh-huh.
Good.
My generations all about hard work and accomplishment. Like... the moon landing. Or Vietnam. Rolling Stones. Greatest band ever.
And still rockin
No
Im not. Its solitaire. See?
BlackBerry. Why would anyone name something like this after a fruit? You wouldnt name an iPod after a fruit.   Excuse me while I type on my Banana. Im gonna go to the Orange store and buy an Apricot computer.   Apple.
This is going on the outside. The pipe cleaner needs to go through the corner. Do not tape those on.
Mmhmm.
Im a little busy right now. Could you BlackBerry me a message?
Creed is using the toaster as a mirror
Whats wrong with me?
I want you to look at me and tell me what is wrong with me.   Dont avoid this. I know youre dying to say it
What
The big
Yes. I have bags under my eyes
Really?
Thats it?
All right! Martha Stewart! You can be Martha Stewarts receptionist! Very good! I will be tea baggin it. Nn... no.
Do I feel badly
I used to get offers in the mail for credit cards all the time. They would say things like dont pay for six months or you can transfer your account from another card...
Do you think Ill get any new ones? I could...  pause
What do you mean
Were you listening to what I was saying?
What is the matter with you?
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right
Yeah. What?
Um
I do.
My CDs are in a portfolio
And
Ive been putting money into CDs for years. I bought music that I didnt even like. No.
I cant.
I cant go back to that.
I dont know if I can do that. I cant see myself spending the next six years digging myself out of that kind of hole.
We will? I cant. I dont have an idea in my head.
I have...
Okay. What? Um...
Tell me.
Well
Yeah
All right! So
There are no bad ideas but for an idea
And that is probably why most ads suck.   Oh
About dressing your best today?
Cool. Cool
Okay
This is Pam Beesly
And if not we can just make him disappear.   This is Jim! Halpert. Jim has a very expressive face
So do
No
Thats
And anybody else
All right
You are my producer
Now
...and we need to be done by 9 A.M. tomorrow.
We start on a single blank sheet of paper.
And we widen to reveal ancient Rome.
Okay
Bull  man!
This is bull !
Ahhhh!
If you dont let me pursue my artistic vision
No! No! Jim
No
I can do it good. I can do it good. Please
Do you want this open or closed?
Hey
I cant hear you!   Heard you a little bit less that time. Must be...
Okay
Actually
Utica is snoozeville
Woo! Shotgun!
Yes
No
Im sorry. Im sorry. Dwight
Dwight! Stop it!   Can you help me please
Would it have killed you to spend the afternoon making love to her in a motel room? Like I begged you to? Pam would have understood. Heck
You embarrassed us.
Come in!
Pam
We have been friends forever
Hypothetically... would you go camping with me
Do you understand that Jim is like a brother to me
So
Thank you for your honesty.
Split the difference. Hey... mint chocolate chip
Can you send Dwight in here?
Mmhmm. I had something very personal I would like to discuss.  Dwight closes door
Okay.
All right
No
MmMmm. All I need...
No
Im telling you
What is this called again?
I have some
Yes. My testimony was actually very important
Before we continue
Ladies and gentlemen of... the... table. I would just like to say what a joy it is for me to be here today
Na
Ye-ohh. Ye-no.
Very nice!
High five!
Cant stop.
Forgot normal talk.
My ideals at a party? Easy. Jim. Pam. Ryan. The Mayor. Barack Obama. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. Because at the end of the night
Yes
They need to be presented... royally... anyone?
Good stuff. All right. Lets get down to some wine drinking.
Its been a rough couple of weeks.
Little trouble. Yes. Well
Yes.
So shes passed out
And the neighbors blamed Jan.
Its like
So...
Well.
It is moving day. I have spent the last month here at Dwights lovely farm
Oh. What is this?
You were charging me? Im your friend.
There was no other guest the entire time I was here.
Okay. All right
Thank you
Dwight
So
A cute little religious type
No
Love. Marriage. Baby carriage. Those have been my goals ever since I heard that song. Jan and I had love. We did not have marriage. We did have a baby carriage
Hey
Nothing. Just hangin. Chillin. No agenda. Would you consider hookin me up with one of your friends?
Yeah?
Thats hilarious. Whats her number?
Mmm... nah
Oh.
All right
Pammy?
You dont have one single girlfriend?
Im not looking for a perfect 10 here
A kindergarten teacher
How bout a professional volleyball player who models on the side?
You know
Really?
No
Send me a picture.
So far
Youre gonna be okay
Ahh
Come on
Here we go
All right
You had a rough night tonight. But your life is very good
Frien..sss...yes
No
Well
Ryan?
Do you ever miss us?
Ryan?
Do you remember what color my eyes are?
Dwight
Really?
Not just because he said it?
Ryan?
You know
Everybody. He just
Like that people are stupid
Because hes mean. Hes
And that Angelas a midget
I know
Well
Its complicated
Okay.
I put Stanley on a pedestal
Pam
Pretty disgusting.
Well
Hey
That is a very firm handshake. Ow
So
Sales is and could be very
Right here. We have a lot of fun.
This is one of our staff. This is Pam Beesly
Check that out
Pretty nice.
She sits there all day.
You get to look at her. Why dont you hold out your hand.   Tell me what you feel.
Thats called card stock. Thats what youre feeling. Now what youre feeling inside is confusion
Mmm
Dont fold it
We have the Dundies
Hey
Yeah
Okay
And do your worst.
Hey.
So
One other thing I wanted to...
Ohh...Nah.
Hey
Wait
Time out. You think this kid could be a fighter pilot?
Okay.
Have you given any more thought to Dunder Mifflin?
Well
I think you are smart
Im right.
Oh
Toby Flenderson
Come on
Toby!
Toby has written a fantastic speech for you
Ach
Blah
...blah
All right
This summer
Dwight
No
OK everybody. Get used to this because we are going to be standing here briefly every Monday for the next seven Mondays.
Oh
Jimbo.
Did you see Hollys butt?
Why?
I know.
I learned that she broke her left leg twice in one year. I learned that shes allergic to sesame seeds. I learned that she has read Lonesome Dove three times.
And that her butt refuses to quit!
You have to agree with me.   Thats insane.
I thought you had to pee.
sees Pam and Jim through office window
I wrote you a goodbye poem. Its really long. I left it up in my office. Could you just please wait till I go get it?
No. OK. Um
I took a lot from other poems.
All right
OK
Yes
All right.
All right!
Im MC Mike Scott
Hi
No way. No way. Pam Beesley. Hello.   Hey
Pam
Oh
Lets go. We are following Pam to the supply shelf. Let us go.
OK
Damn it. Come on.
Here we go. Everybody on.
Hows it going?
Good.
Cake? Who suggested cake?
Are you kidding me? We only lost one pound
What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I went -- I once went 28 years without having s*x. And then again for seven years.
Does anyone have any idea what the number one cause of death is in this country?
No.
Thank you. Holly is right. People
Yes
If you gain weight
This is how were gonna do it. Five pounds. Im asking each of you to lose five pounds. That plus Jims 65 will give us a very good chance at winning this thing.
Booty call.
Here.
Wait a second.  removes condom from wallet
You want more?
Its a pretty lame party.
You know what we should do? We should have a party and not invite them.
Lets go mini-golfing.
Uh...
Um
You know what? Were pretty much done here today. Why dont you just take off early?
Yeah.
Good luck.
Oh
OK
And what is that?
You know
Ronnie was bleh. Things were at an all time sad here. But then I got an e-mail from Ryan
I did!
Yes. Gooooo-tee!
Hey

Mmm--- mmm... Um...
Close the door. This is your fault.
Your stupid friend zone.
I should have been lovers with her first and then friends. That was terrible advice. Terrible advice! You know my seduction method. I like to get in there and get my hands dirty! Wh--- You sabotaged me. You sabotaged me
Mmm-hmm. Saunas.
Gah
in a fat suit
I say
Its my sumo suit. I just didnt inflate it all the way. I am so glad that I bought instead of rented.
Body image. We are here because there is something wrong with society.
If its me
How do you know Michael Clump?
How dare you! Michael Clump is a celebration of fat people.
No
Hey! Why dont you just sit down
Were doing this because of you. So why dont you just go stand somewhere else.   Hey. Hey. You shaved?
Why?
Dwight
Ok Phyllis
Youre right
Finally. Right? Ok
Ok
What about her looks?
Kelly
I want you to know. Kelly
Hey Ryan
Ahaha
Oscar
Hey!
Excellent! Good job.
Yeah
No no
I dunno. I always call everybody back right away. Hell call back though. Give him until the end of the day
Ugh.
Wait
Hey
Were trying to win a contest here
Ok
Aww
I have to say
...was that he was a complete stupid idiot.
I know. I love Counting Crows.
Wow
Thats a shame. A shame to waste these. I want to buy them from you.
I do. No. I do. I
Ok?
Alright. Alright!   Just
Is that good?
OK.
Darryl
Nonono
Whats going on?
To be married?
WOO! Alright!
Why are you helping her? Youre not even dating. Shes my friend... and... ultimately my strategy is to merge this into a relationship... without her even knowing. Uh...
Ok
Ok. Well done. Good speech Ryan
Well
Cant set em up like that.
Can we have a moment?   Can I talk to you for a sec? Lot of good stuff. And you look... you look fantastic.
Yeah.
Do some... do some work.   People expect a lot from these meetings. Laughter
Do you... just... youre kind of losing them.
Lauren
I would not... steal the bread. And I would not let my family go hungry.
Anybody? This is a chance for you to say something without any repercussions. Stanley? Oscar
I will go first. When I discovered YouTube I didnt work for five days. I did nothing. I viewed Cookie Monster sings Chocolate Rain about a thousand times.
To tell you or not. And Im glad I did. I feel very very good. Cathartic. I promise you that you are not going to get into trouble. You can say anything you want with total and complete immunity.
Yeah
A siesta!
You are a thief of joy. Anybody else. Yeah?
Who hasnt? Good. Good! What else?
Mmm...
Well
Bruuuuuuuuuce.
Ach! Wuh---
Thats crazy. Thats crazy talk! Meredith! The Merenator
Oh...
Meredith
No... no
Well
Hoo-ooh! Reaching! Youll get there. Anyway
Good. Would you care to bang it out over lunch?
Oh no
What do you think? What do you think of this place?
Istnt it? Yeah
Wow
Here too. You know what my favorite season is?
Yeah
Wow
Yeah.
I just dont want my employees thinking that their jobs depend on performance. I mean
Ok
Mmhmm
I dont know. I saw this thing
No
I am just saying that I dont think that you understand what I am saying.
Yes.
Well... bleh busted. I dont...
Well
I will be honest with you. That car ride did not go well and that was not my fault. The only reason I am standing out here right now is because I dont want to take the elevator with her. And I am holding on to her leftovers.
Whats the only thing worse than one HR rep?
You get me.
I dont know. Can you? Kendall
Let the record show that it was during the immunity part of the seminar.
How do you tell somebody that you care about deeply
Ok
Get in there right now or Im gonna lose it!
Now is really not the time
Yeah.
OK
OK
Oh
I get a call from Jan and I meet her at the hospital.
I take Quincy Ave to Gibson.
I checked the route - there are no potholes. Come on
Andy
All right
Do it! Do it! Scream! Scream it out
Aaaaaaaa!
Just keep pushing...
Im right here.
Im right here
All right. Dwight. Just push and breathe.
Shhh. No
No. You have to just push it out!
Keep simulating.
OK!
Keep simulating.
Yes
OK.
Yes.
Aaaaaaaa! Its coming! Here we go!   Oh! God! Wow! What was on that?
Nice touch. Good. Lets try that again.
It is going to be the happiest day of my life.
Hello ladies
Damnit
She said it is the name of a Viking princess. So...
I know. I know. It is beautiful. No. Thank you. Is this it? I mean
It does not matter to me at all whether this baby is biologically mine. I am going to love it. Its like when the dog nurses the tiger cub. Have you seen that video? It is... its so bizarre and unnatural
Hey
Make the party. Dont - make the party
Ahoy
Ahoy. So
Um
So this is Astird.
Oh
I could have helped.
Oh
No
Can I hold her?
All right
I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. I try to pick up and hold a baby every day
Ladies and gentlemen
...trid Levinson. Hi! Astrid
Well
OK
Im fine
Ready to play some games? Lets do it!
Uh
No
All right
Whatta we got?
Oh!
She already has a stroller.
OK
Hey! Hey
I could have helped.
Uh
I usually love babies
Phyllis? Could you take-.
Hey guys.
Uh
Yeah
I just saw this baby daddy-
Why
Well-
Its- thats different.
Thats not a baby.
Could I?
I was just going to... I was going to talk to Holly
Sure you cant stay a little longer?
All right. All right
OK?
Wha - thats
All right.
just hugs her
I didnt feel much when I held Astrid
Hey.
That was really fun last night.
Im actually thinking about getting my own set of putt-putt golf clubs.
Yeah?
Oh really?
Well...
I
So
No.
Okay. Oh
Why?
Wow... Oh
Tonights so...
Too many times. Its all good
Youre welcome.
In my opinion
Yeah.
Some of what we order depends on whether were having s*x after.   Oh
Okay
Probably get soup or something light.
No. No. Reservations are at 8:00
Do you need em?
All right.
Thank vous.   What? Oh!
Not if we turn these dials   all the way down.   Now they cant hear us at all.
Were totally alone.
Oh
Yeah. Oh... oh!
No
Oh
Oh my God!
So much for s*x without consequences.
Were gonna make everything all right. Alright? Conference room
To recoup their losses
Thank you.
Okay
Okay. Okay! Well
I dont know
Do I?
Yeah
Whoa!
Twice. ... Right?
Mm-hmm.
Pump it up! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!   Pump up the volume. Thank you very much
Okay
It squeaks when you bang it
Oh
Okay. Okay
Lets hear an opening bid
Federal and State.
Okay
We are getting there folks. Slow and steady.   Well
Hey!
100 dollars
Keep it going. Hey batter batter batter.
160.
Uh
All right
No. I think they were stolen. I think they were stolen and theyre gone forever. So... oh
Yeah
Shes your wife
Uh
300
300 and one penny
325
350.
350 and one penny.
400
400 and one penny.
500.
500 and one penny. One million dollar!
700.
Humuna-humuna-humuna-humuna-humuna-
1
Hey
Okay
When Corporate found out that we were dating
Road trip! Right?
Oh
Were not.
Were not doing anything.
All right everybody. Im out of here. Jim
Ah
You can let people go a couple of minutes early if you want.
Cool!
Were gonna switch back and forth
Ah! Ah! Ahhhh!   Hey. Whew. Ow. I was having a nightmare.
Was I? Really? Was I saying anything interesting?
All right. Whats the scoop
Halfway! Okay
Yeah. I dont know I just- I imagined a hotel right here. Pool
Here we go
Allergies?
Did Darryl touch you?
Whats the matter?
Sure it is.
Oh no no no.. Its gonna work
Listen to me. I like you so much.
And Ive dated four women in the last--
Not last - no. In like the last ten years.
Ive dated almost four women
Thats what she said.
Holly thinks that this relationship is over. Well
Yeah.
Okay
Ill tell you everything that I see. Everything that I pass by
Maybe Ill see an accident one weekend?
Years!
Yeah.
Heres my wish. I want you to meet a great guy
My wish has come true
You know what? I think were a great couple. I think were a classic couple. I think were like Romeo and Juliet. I think we... go together so well. Were like peanut butter and jelly
Then dont do it. Please dont do this. Please dont do this.
I dont know what Im gonna do!
Please?
Im not gonna be okay.
No I wont! Im not strong! And Ill go back to Jan
Oh thats mine actually. Um
You know I have some things I need to do this weekend. I just remembered
Ill be down in just a second.   Holly?
So um... I think Im gonna go back with Darryl   Okay.   Goodbye.
We didnt break up.
Okay.
Thats a really pretty song.
Okay.
Okay.
Da na na na na.
Da na na na na.
Da na na na na.
Da na na na na.
Da na na na na!!
Da na na na na.
Da na na na na.
Da na na na na...
Hey
Ow! God!
No
Yeah
Oh
Nope. Nope. Not yet.
Ill call her later.
I dont want to do that.   All right.   She is going to freak out!
Thats -- thanks.
Mom
Why do you always do that? Whenever Im getting married
No.
Im not
And Im out a fiancee. Are those the customer surveys?
Ill take care of that for you.   Thanks.
Kelly Kapoor is our dusky
Alrighty
No.
Wow.
Dwight
A number of your clients found your personal style abrasive and distasteful.
No
Do I look like I am joking?
If I were joking
Youre not.
Jimbo
Oh
You too?
Jim
No.   Yes
I agree.
So lets see what we can find out from reading.   Jim Halpert is smudge and arrogant.
Arrogance.
And theres our smudgeness.
Heres whats going to happen. I am going to have to fix you
Boom! Yes. Now
Ask him his name.
Be respectful
Its up to you to change his mind.
Boundaries
Hes hard of -- hes an old man. Lets go.
Stop it! Stop it!
That is totally inappropriate. You never yell at the client. You never yell at the client.
Here we go.
Give me the phone.
Give me the phone.
Give me the phone. Give me the phone.
Hello
Hello
covers phone
Yes.
...   Its a million-dollar sale.
Why dont you tell us?
Dwight.   I was informed by these gentlemen that the reports that you filed may not entirely be accurate.
Whats going on?
looks momentarily flattered
You cannot say I was raped and expect all of your problems to go away
Dont. Dont. Get away from that
You were lying.
Yes. Jim
I will call you when it is time.
I have an enormous amount of trouble trying to get people to come to my place. And I hate it. I cant tell you how much leftover guacamole I have ended up eating over the years. I dont even know why I make it in such great quantities. Heres what were gonna do. We are going to sit here for a while
I think you should do that.  Kelly starts fake-crying
Did you know that in Morocco it is common to exchange a small gift when meeting somebody for the first time? In Japan you must always commit suicide to avoid embarrassment. In Italy you must always wash your hands after going to the bathroom. This is considered to be polite.
I am jetting off on an international business trip.
To Can-A-da.
Canada.
My boss is sending me abroad to do a presentation to an international client and I have always been intrigued by all things international. The women
Meredith
I am ashamed at your naked face. I must cover it with my jacket.   You are now sexy in your culture.
I have my passport.
I have my per diem.   I already know what I am going to spend this on. I am going to buy a sweater.
Well Ill just... Ill use different money for that.
And business class air
Well that is all in the past.
They have one of those?
Lets do this!
Two are for souvenirs.
I do. Its right here.
No
Stop it! Stop it!
Okay. Where is my translator?
There he is.
Yeah baby! Thats what Im talking about. That could be you   if you hadnt forgotten French. Where is my numbers man?
There we go. Our town car awaits.
Its not just a van.
Dwight
Welcome to Cribs-the business class edition. Check this out. Mimosa.
Handed to me as I sat down. This was my hot towel. It is still wet.
Take a sip of that.
That good?
Dont drink all of it. Give some to Oscar.
You want one of your own? I can hook you up.
Yes
Yes...
Get back
Hey... guys
Shhhh! Keep it down.
Could you have picked something stinkier to bring on a plane?   My God
Hi.
Um. Id like to see a menu please.
Oh... okay.   Doesnt matter
This is nice. This is nice. Move in here. Very sweet... ah.
Alright.
Very cool.
Okay.
Yes! Wallace said there would be one of those.
Wow!
Wow! Wow
A concierge is like the Winnipeg equivalent of a geisha. This is a woman who has been trained in the fine art of fanciness and pleasure. And when you meet one
Guys
Lets do this.
Excuse me
Um
Works in accounting. This is uh
...who works at our hotel. You look
And it is
Shes foreign. I am--
Oh
Thank you
Everyone is going to end up dying someday. And I think its better to die with people you like... like Oscar
How about this one? Its Christmas eve---
---and everythings closed and you need to get some dry cleaning done. 12:00 midnight. Where do you go? What do you do? What do you do? Come on! What do you do?
Unbelievable! Unbelievable.
Do you want to get some breakfast or something?
Okay.
Slept like a baby.
Look
Yes.
Yeah
No. Actually the trip sucked.
The trip sucked
I did not like the trip. Well
And business class which was basically just coach. And the hotel which sucked big time.
It was not
Oh and thanks for the tip on the concerige. That was great. That was great. That was--- that was a---
That was a really good choice.
No
That was a really sucky thing to do.
Why have I stayed at Dunder Mifflin for so long? Certainly not because of the paycheck. Cause I could be making more money as a doctor or a professional athlete. I think its because they respect me. A boss that will not fire you
Oh brownies! Im taking two so I can parcel them up and eat them at my leisure later on
Yeah why dont you send that to him in Costa Rica?
Heh
She said she was going to give it to him right now.
Yeah
Oh
Uhhgh.
I dont know. What?
Hmmm
NOOOO! GOD! No
Look at him. With his stupid face. Stupid... tan. No.
No.
He looks worse.
Uh
Not on the surface
Yes.
I learned a while back that if I dont text 911 people will not return my calls. Um
I did not want to go back to the annex because that is where Holly worked whom I loved.
Thats true. People say its icky.
David
Is there no way we can get rid of him?
I have cause. It is be-cause I hate him.
No.
I dont.
Dwight comes over
You want to see some really high caliber acting? Well
Youre welcome. Missed you. Missed you as part of our family.
So Costa Rica that was - did you have fun? That must have been fun.
Nice beaches
Whyd you come back? Why didnt you stay?
I bet
Shhh hot
Yeah
I tried
Okay
Thats it
Mm. Me too. Okay
What are you doing?
For what?
No
Youre the bait for Toby?
No
Yes
Pamtown lady sing this song
Oh
Okay
Good.   N-no no no
Pam. Pam
Um
Toby can I see those? Ooh.   Whats the matter? Whats the matter? You scared?
You mad? You mad at me?
Do you want to do that? You want to hit me
Huh? He might do it...
I dare you to. Come on.
Whats the matter... haaaww!
Hey hey! Come on
No do it
Not
Son of a bitch.
Just stop it. You havent done anything helpful all day.
Whats that?
Frame him?
Ive never framed a man before
Just seems awfully mean. But sometimes the ends justify the mean.
Hello. Ive seen you guys around. Im Michael Scott
No. Uh
Grass
I heard you drug--- I heard you dealt.
Im not wearing a wire
How much? How many pounds is it?
Hey
Those are real cops
Uh
Yeah
No
No
Oh God!
No
God! No
Ahh
Yes
Are you kidding me? Thats my salad.
You must feel pretty good about yourself right now.
Hmm.
Since when is it illegal to put caprese salad... anywhere.
Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me
You said you were leaving and you made liars out of all of us. So...
Yes
Do you want to hear a lie?
I think youre great. Youre my best friend.
Mmm... okay.
Yes. Yes
Yes.
Theres the x-ax...icks.
Mmhmm
Why dont you explain this to me like Im five.
Ho-oh!
Yeah.
Ill be six.
So the dollars a surplus. This is a surplus.
Whoo.
Okay
Guess what
No
So... we all agree to get new chairs then. Good?
Okay. Okay
Alright
You are the silent killer. Go back to the annex.
Yes.
Why me?
Wow
Yes.
I dont know. I havent decided yet.
Really? Absolutely! Yeah
Yes.
Ohh
Yeah!
Best lunch ever! Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
All right! Cool!
I have no idea.
Oh
Yeah.
Yeah?
Oh
I do.
it was fun. We had a good time.
Oh
Um
You think thats good? Check out these pants. Nine dollars.
Nine dollars. The boys department.
Look at the ass. Check out the ass.
Look at that.   Unh. Unh-unh.
Yes they were.
They were.
Mmhmm.
Sits on a copier.
Yeah.
Very valid.
All right.
See ya.
Hahaha!... well...
Okay.
Oh
Oh
There he is! Hello
Hello! Good to see you! Good to see you.
Mm!   Yeah!
Hey hey! Yeah! Unh!
Oh... ah
Hank
Yes. I need your sage advice. And everyone
Yes.
Okay. Well
Oh
It is
What?
Okay.
Oh
Now everyone
So
All right
Well
All right
Hey David-   Im sorry. Im sorry. Im eating tiramisu. Some of the chocolate powder just went down my throat. Im stopping now.
No
Mm. Im calling because
No
The what now?
...Like a tip?   $645?!
I hate disappointing just one person. And I really hate disappointing everyone. But I love Burlington Coat Factory. You go in there with $645
All right
I have made my decision. We do not need a new copier. We do not need new chairs. This copier... is...  puts paper on glass and makes a copy
Pam
Do I know what?
Mm
$645.
Right.
Because that is how my mind works.
Lets see...
I dont need $645  I already have $645
This is so stupid.
This is so
To be continued!
No
You think its easy?
Okay
It is a classic management tactic. You have two sides
What?
Good work. Im proud of you.   Mother-
What did we learn this week? Well
Hey
Awesome. I think this is going to be the best Christmas party ever.
Oh
Cool.   My horn can pierce the sky.
This is equal parts scotch
Alright... One more time around the block.
Jim
That is vodka and I mixed it with orange juice. I call it an orange-vod-juice...ka.
Yeah.
I know.
Oh
Can not do it then. Monthly dental appointment
No
Why dont we just do it now? Well do it quickly.
Well do it quickly.
What if we cant do it quickly? What if we cant do it--
Hey
An intervention. Its sort of hard to describe
Okay
Uck... T.M.I.
Okay
I am not asking her to stop drinking. I am imploring her to quit being an alcoholic.
Yeah
The ayes have it.
Alright
Meredith
Do you sometimes have a drink to celebrate a special occasion or mark a holiday?
Have you ever under the influence of alcohol questioned the teachings of the Mormon church?
I got it on a website
Okay
Alcohol is a drag. Yes. Heres what Id like to do. Id like to go around the room and have us each express to Meredith how her alcoholism has affected us. Ill begin. This Christmas party is perhaps the best Christmas party I have ever been to
Thats-- you didnt-- you werent hurt by that.
Okay
Who is going to tell us the latest dirty joke? Who is going to tell us what you watched on television last night?
Was John Belushi fine? Was Bob Hope fine? Hey-- come here. If anything ever happened to you
I want you to say Im an alcoholic.
You can say it as loudly as you want
Alright
Everyone in this room loves you
Dwight--
...okay.
Enabler! Enabler
You know what the only thing I want for Christmas? I want Meredith to get better. Thats my only wish. But you know what? My wishes never come true
Ill be down in a minute.   Could you write down the number of that rehabilitation center that you mentioned?
We did?
Oh
We could go there
Yes
I have a new place.
It-- yep
All right.
Yeah
Thats good.
Were party girls.
Its okay. Its all right.
Meredith
Here we go. This is gonna be good.
Yes you are.
Shhh... just calm down.
Come on. Shh...
Heres the door. Heres the door.
Lets start meeting-- Hello. How are you?
I have a deposit. Alcoholic.
So do I sign?
As it turns out you cant just check someone into rehab against their will. They have to do it voluntarily. They have to hit rock bottom. So I think I know what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. Um... I think I can do it. I did it with Jan.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah
No. No
Dwight
I want another try. Here we go!   Thirty-one! Thirty-one!
I was ahead of the car. Thirty-one is my new number.
Go
Beat it!
Todays a big day. My presence has been requested by   Chief Financial Officer
Wait
You still dont know.
What are you doing?
Andy.
No
No
How can he still not know?
I cant take it anymore.
I am telling Andy.
Who should it come from
Are you still having intercourse with her?
Did you ever have intercourse in this office?
Well?
You know this cant go on.
We have to put an end to this.
Come on.
When will she be ready?
Is she crazy in bed?
How so
Really?
Its too late.
I am already walking.
Okay
Jim
Thanks.   Andy?
Walk with me.
Ohh
Well... no
Which will be fine. I am off!
Thank you!
Okay. I will... Dwight and Angela are having an affair
Dwight and Angela are having an affair. Theyve been sleeping together for some time. That was the news. I wanted to let you know.
All right. See you later.   Ahh.
Yep.
Right what?
David
Sometimes Ill start a sentence
This is going to sound sort of high-maintenance
Hey
So I was in the office
Oh
I have to say
Okay.
Wow
What you talking bout
Hi
Oh
Yeah.
Okay.
Fax
Oh
I will seduce her.
No
No
Yeah
Alright
Michael Scarn.
Okay.
No.
No
Oh
You know what? I dont want to get into this debate again. I enjoy IHOP.
You will have pancakes and youll like it.
So what?
Maybe they are shrinking.
They could be shrinking.
Ah ha   Yup.
Mm hmm .
And there are clouds. There are clouds in the sky
Argh
Shut up.
Ready to do this?
Good. Here come the sharks.
In nature
Hello.
My name is Michael Scarn. I am a local business owner and I would like to find out about your company.
Thank you.
We are a law firm.
You know
Really? That many? This doesnt seem like a very big operation.
Ah
Oh Vietnam
So
Well that is... because... I am a genius.
Yes
Try 80.
Hey
Dont blow it. Hey Linda
I would
Whats going on? Little homework over here? Lets see if I can help. Huh
Why is this little 2 so small? Its
Excellent! Way to go! Nice!
Oh
I... Okay
Of course. Thank you very much. Thanks for your time.
I cannot wait to contact your clients.
Haha
Wallace is going to freak.
Hes going to absolutely freak.
Oh shoot.
Oh God
Aw
Aw
No no
Just
No
You know let me give you some money for this.
Oh coffee
Thank you.
Ok
Dwight
Ok. You know
Why dont we just
Live and let live.
Its from James Bond.
Im not going to make this call.
My heart says...
That is true.
That is true. We have gone down the wrong path many many times.
Jan... Ryan.
Youre right.
You are right. I will call David and give him the customer list and I will give him all my info.
Just something I have to do first.
Somewhere safe
Oh shoot!
Those people will be ruined.
Give it
Im not a shark.
Mpfh.
Thank you.
Okay
I guess this is what they call a bittersweet moment. It is bitter because I slightly destroyed a wonderful little family. But sweet because David Wallace thought I did a good job. Thats what I hate bittersweet chocolate. I dont even... whats the point of that? Why not just sweet? Who are you helping?
Oh
Oh
Oh my God! Okay
Stay   calm!
Everyone
What does warm mean?
Dont run.
Get out of the way! Go
Okay
Help!! Help!!
No
Hes going to swallow is tongue.
Open your mouth. Come on. Dont swallow it.
Leave me al--
Saving him!
Electricity.
Hed. Hedded
Take hedded of.
Heed. Heed.
Take heed of.
Take heed of.
Okay.  walks to the window
Yes. We are. We are livid. But we are going to let this one slide.
I am not a mind reader
And we should take a part of his pay and donate it the charity of your choice. Something that Dwight doesnt like.
Do you?
You talking to me?
What?
No
Yeah.
Thats not gonna happen. Im taking over as safety man.
Yes.
Im a smart guy. Ill figure it out.
No
Nobody should have to go to work thinking
Shhh! Dont excite him. Dont make him excitable.   Welcome back
Andy.
No
Okay
Shut it. Shut it.
We found ourselves on the less prepared side of things when Stanley had his... when his heart went berserk. And I knew exactly what to do
You know who I really think should go? Stanley.
Come on.
No rest for the sick. We are not always going to be there to coddle your heart back when it disappears to be working. What are you gonna do if youre by yourself and your heart stops?
And youre okay with that?
Uh-uh. No
Come on Stanley. Youre losing you. Youre losing you. Do it!
This is you were talking about.
Okay
No
Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs do we bother resuscitating them? I mean
How about no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now
okay
I will divide and then count to it.
Yes
Okay
Ah
Ah
He is an organ donor.
Yeah.
Hey
Are you okay?
Five thousand three hundred dollars for a dummy?
Okay
Hi
Lets hear it.
Ohmmm... Ohmmm... Everybody sit on the floor Indian style like me.   Ohmmm my God if youre wearing a dress please keep your knees together nobody wants to see that ohmmm... ohmmm...
My goal is to make this office as peaceful a place for Stanley Hudson as I can. I think sounds have a lot to do with that. Here are some downloaded peaceful sounds.   That one makes me think... of death. Its kinda nice...
everyone is lying on the floor in the conference room with the light off
And you walk up toward the castle
Too expensive.
Racism is dead Stanley
Oh
You have stress?
During our relaxation exercise?
No no
Let me getcha.
Ok
Ok.
Ok... I think that thing is on the fritz. Ahh... Oscar
Hellloo...
So... it wasnt Dwight after all. Looks like I am the killer. You never expect that youre the killer... its uh... great twist. Great twist.
I dont get it. Do I stress you out?
Oh...
Remember when people used to say boss
Ok everybody
What? No. No
Si senor.
Its not! Its not offensive during a roast! Anything goes! I want you guys to really get crackin on this. I want you to take me down. Dont hold back. I want you to really make fun of anything about me. It could be my race
I can already feel peoples stress starting to melt. I think theyre very excited about paying their respects this way. I have got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this.
Whoo!! Welcome welcome welcome welcome welcome. You are all jerks. Just kidding
Hey Hey
Youre so lucky! Good one...
Well...
Pow pow pow...  hands making gunshot impression
NO! No
I know where this is goin.
No...
No.
Spite her - ok
Oh
No no no no no no!
Dwight youre supposed to do it this way.
That is the way youre supposed to do it
Idiot. Idiot! Idiot. Idiot.
Idiot.
Hey
Can I make just a little announcement. In a professional roast
We are
Oh very funny.
Uhh... hehe hah! Im thinking Roy?
I dont believe I have had the pleasure.
Jefferson.
Haha ha. Thank you very much
Caw... caw... caw caw... caw...
You know sometimes
I um
Well I wrote them down so I wouldnt forget. Jim
Andy
They say that laughter is the best medicine so Stanley
breathing heavy over intercom
This is your captain speaking
Could I stick it with a pin?
Toby Flenderson to the principals office. Your mother called
You
What?
You find it?
All right.
Would you like fries with that? Please drive around.
Hello
You ready? And were off
Well
No! That is a toboggan
Yeah
Well that goes without saying.
Hey! Look at what youre wearing again
...kind of   Maybe you could tie it around your waist or lose the shirt underneath or something.
No. Oh
No. I need silence or Sam Kinison to prepare.
Then listen to your iPod
Well then... hey you know what then lets just talk.
You nervous about seeing Karen again
Is that why your wearing makeup today?
Hello
Rolando
Okay
Thats what I do
Oh my God. Is that Jims?
Okay. Wow. Oh man! My head just exploded. Whoo! Thank God
Okay
NO! Oh
I am talking about
Would a liar bring mini Mounds bars?
I am a theatrical person. Growing up
I dont know you. But I need to know you in order to sell to you. That is why I have asked you to go around and tell me you names. I have an amazing mnemonic device
Got it. It works.
But it works. I would like you all to give this a shot. What do you say?
Well
Oh
She is pregnant. She is knocked up. K Karen. Pam
I grab this
No
Emails not scary. This is an opportunity. Dont
Its really amazing. Congratulations Karen. So is there a guy or
Oh
No
Old hatreds dissolve into new friendships. Its a really wonderful moment.
I would give that lecture a solid B+. Although
Really? No
Why?
No. Im just thinking about what you said
Blonde hair
She was the love of my life. What you and Jim have times 100. Just she... she just left. And I didnt... I never got closure
Ill just blow off the lecture at Rochester.
Okay.
I am on a lecture circuit. Im goin around to all the branches
I have now memorized all of your names. Shirty
And I turn it on and I say Prepare yourself for the Utica Chainsaw Massacre.
You remember Holly? She used to work for HR? Shes the love of my life. She just left... and I never got closure. And I feel like I need to go to Nashua and get closure.
Do I look okay?
Hi.
Yes
Thank you. ... Um... is
Oh- Shes not here?
A.J.
She has a boyfriend.
How could she do this to me
I cant do the presentation
I know
And then shell move back to Scranton. And her boyfriend will die.


I can do this.
Goooood morning
A.J. What kind of name is A.J.?
What do you race cars?
Ooh. Ouch. Okay
Yep
Huh-   Does she ever talk about me?
Its all connected. Shut up.   Does she ever mention Michael Scott?
Does it feel good?
Your life.  sits down
Yeah
No
sighs
Want some pie?
I went through Hollys things.
I stole a sleeve of her sweater.
I also stole something off of her computer. A document called Dear Michael.
I shouldnt have done it. It just- I couldnt help it.
No
Yes.
How?
I know
No
No
Okay.
Well?
She said that? Is that what it said? What did it say?
Youre sure?
smiles
I feel great. So good to have closure. Ah! We should go apologize to Roy or something.
Who have I wronged? Who have I wronged? Oh
Jabba the hut
Man
Hello
...Jim.
Ayyyy!
Ayyyy!
What was that?
That was funny. Lets go do it to somebody else. Ayyyy!
Oh
Yeah
Oh
Just about everyone in this office is single right now. Including me. And everyone is experiencing an incredible amount of emotional pain. Especially me
Pam
Can I have a word with you
Yes
Yeah. And the sexy looks between you and Pam
Mm-hmm.
Well
--that none of us can be a part of--
--then
So suck it. Hey everybody
So we may not have someone in our lives that we love
I am about to give blood. The gift of everlasting life
Okay. Hello.
Oh
Yeah
Oh
Yeah
Youre actually talking a lot.
Okay
Oh
Yup
Type O-Ocean Spray.
Yick.
I looked at the bag.
I looked straight at the bag.
Could you distract me for a second
That was mean.
A hat.
That is full of soup.
What?
Oh
Whew
Oh my God
Excuse me
OK. Oh
Well here we all are. Alone but together. No flowers for us.   Relationships
Yeah
Come on
If you wanna just
Moron
Really sad.
Oh my God.
Well then its a happy ending
Alright whos next? Wheres Andy?
What?
You know what guys? I dont think we need to do this.
No
No. Not a giant net.
I was thinking maybe like a mixer.
Old fashioned meet market --
-- I dont think it is.
These people need love and I am going to get it for them Who cares if we sell a little bit less paper today? A great boss cares more about the happiness of his employees then anything else. I am going to be cupid
Hey.
Ah
So how you holding up?
No. No
Meh
Oh
Hello.  two women
Babe alert!   Hello
Lynn
So run with the ball! Run with it
Yeah
So
Meredith recently had a total hysterectomy
Its going very well. People are mixing
No reason.
Nobodys after me
Its not a big deal really
Believe me its nothing. I hardly even talked to her we just
Nah.  everyone groans and Girl turns around and walks away.
Hey
Hey
Really?  everybody signifies their agreement
You know what
OK.
Four months ago
Pam?
Pam? Knock
I know you are. Knock
4-9-1-7-4-5-1
They would never know it was me doing it. Here we go
Buddha.
Buddha this bread for me
I
That was helping. It was classic.
No... God.
Alright.
Whos there?
KGB -
What the hell was that?
What are you doing?
You
Mine was retribution. What are you doing? No more knock-knock jokes. Thats it.
Whos there?
Dwight
Answer the door.
Im not gonna answer it
Oh
Why thank you very much.   Oh
No
The Willy Wonka Golden Ticket promotional idea is probably the best idea I have ever had. Its probably the best idea anybody has ever had. Three days ago
Ive written these things because it is my responsibility
Too many words. Good ideas are simple. Golden ticket.
No. Jim. Were a business. Post-its. That is a golden ticket idea. NASA took five or six golden ticket ideas to get man on the moon.
No
Woo hoo.
Tell me  was it a spoiled little girl with big lips...
...or an odd little boy with a cowboy obsession?
Invite them on the tour.
Really? Thats kind of a big client.   Hey
Yeah?
Yeah.
I thought I did. So...
Well no harm no foul.
You didnt
Hey. Hey. Hey. You idiot.
Sir. I placed a bunch of golden tickets into five separate boxes and some how they all ended up with Blue Cross. How does this happen?
Irrelevant.
OK
My golden ticket idea? OK. Why would anyone think that this is my golden ticket idea? There is a one in 13 chance that this could be anybodys golden ticket idea.   That...
Nobody panic. The good news is... they cant fire all of us
No
Oscar
Alright
Thank you
Well you know what Jim? It is not my fault that you bought a house to impress Pam. That is why carnations exist.
OK
OK
That is not constructive.
Hello David. I just got back from my procedure
How are you doing?
My colonoscopy was an examination of my large colon and the distal part of my small bowel with a camera.
Well
I think we might have hired an outside marketing consultant.
Youre breaking up.
OK
Yes.
No.
Yes.
Come on in. Good to see ya
Woah
No
Im not taking... Im not taking...
Wait a second
Yes I do. Youve just never seen it.   March 4th. Dwight came up with the best idea today about golden tickets.
Why do you have a diary?
OK
Yes
What are you writing?
Would you like to go to lunch with me? Just the two of us?
We think a lot alike. Sometimes you will think something and I will say what youre thinking--
Umm
Oh
Why do you even want to stay at Dunder Mifflin? I mean whats the point? Youre cooped up in there all day. You dont get to do your farming. Youre not dating Angela anymore. It doesnt matter if you get fired for taking credit for the gold ticket idea. It doesnt matter. Me on the other hand
Its not ready yet.
I have an idea for a fancy mens shoe store called Shoe La La. And its just mens shoes for the special occasions in a mans life
May I have your attention please. I have an announcement. Mr. Dwight Schrute and I just returned from a wonderful stroll together and although I probably will never do it again
Yes they are
He doesnt love it that much. Wouldnt be such a bad thing for him to be fired.
I mean
Right.
Thats it. Thats it. You cant put a price on freedom.
Thats why you made the decision. Thats why you made...
You kind of have.
Yes.
Oh my God. Dwight! Dwight! Get in--- whats it gonna be
Yes it is
Hey
Really? How did-- how are you inspired? How did it pop into your head Dwight?
Give me the details of how that happened.
What?
David? David?
David?
Could I be a part of the meeting also?
There is no movie called Willy Wonka. Its called Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
I cant... vouch for that. But I do know this. He is a liar. He has taken my idea.
OK
Oh how dare you.
You are? Good ideas
Oh please.
Toilet sponge. Its a hollowed out sponge...
...that is more absorbent
Theyre not easy. Everybody has to go to the bathroom.
Thank You!
Well David
When they look back on this day in the history books all that will be remembered is that I had a good idea. And thats what I am going to write down in my diary. That is what I want you to write down in yours.
I want to see it.
I want to see it.
Give me... Give me the diary.
I like it.
I think youre right. This party has to have all the excitement
And classy
watches Jim grimace
Yes.
He is.
Thats what makes him classy.
Strawberries?
Not classy at all.
French. Classy.
Yes?
Miner? I hardly know her!... Hello?
Uh-huh.   Well
Wow! Hold that thought. I want everybody to go into the break room. I have a little surprise for you. Go ahead. You too. Dwight
Yes.
What? No
You look dynamite. What are you talking about? Very slick. Ok
Surprise
Surprise!   As you can see
Took me all night.
I met this guy at corporate last week and we were just digging each others vibe. I was totally grooving on him and vice-versa. And besides
All right
Oh
This is Oscar Martinez. He is Latino. And he just got out of a long-term relationship with a man
This little hell-raiser is Angela. She has slept with a bunch of different guys in the office. One over there
There you go! Wheres the other?
Well
Good. Good
Oh! Well...
Above and beyond.
Thats true.
No. Absolutely not.
Well
Well
Charles is going to tell you.
Well
Such as salary
Well-
Ok
Oh no
I am thrilled that the new boss has taken such an active interest in all of the responsibilities that Im supposed to have. Thrilled.
David
It was my understanding.
Listen
But the branch is still mine?
Oh
Oh
I just got off the horn with David Wallace
Come on. Whats your wifes name? Where did you work before you came here?
Beautiful. See
Youre not from paper?
Does David know this?
Well that
And that- I-I dont need to be managed
Ok
Whatever David wants.
Michael Scott calling for David. Well
No! You idiot!   Idiot
Hi Stephanie
And I really really need to talk to David.
I was never given a name.  hangs up
Are you kidding me with this? On the day that I bring in breakfast?
I wish you had told us sooner
Nobody thanked me.
For breakfast. Except Charles. You say no more parties
Damn it
Yep.
Do some overtime? You want to do some overtime this weekend? You know what
Kevin? This is my branch. You dont ask Charles. You ask me. I say
Yes it is!
No
Ok
Ok
No
How old are you?
Five years old?
Im gonna walk away.
Im kidding around
What is that smaller stripper holding?
Ok.
Party Planning Committee. Not your concern
Really? Well then how would we come up with great ideas like Jims? Go ahead.
Its a great idea. And we have a cake in the shape of a bale of hay.
But its cool
Whoa. Youre talking about my anniversary party
Yeah
Yeah
What?
Newsflash : Ive been here for fifteen years. Headline : You have been here one day. End of story. You have no right to cancel my fifteenth anniversary party. End of story. End of story. End of story!
Ok
Hello
So is this the meeting youve been in all day?
I drove.
Cancelled my fifteenth anniversary party. Just pulled the rug out from under me. And he said no figs. Ive already bought em. And I dont have a place to store them. So
Do you talk to him about this? Youve talked to him all day
Ok. Then I dont get it. It doesnt make any sense to me. Because I thought in the new system I was supposed to talk to Charles
Clearly thats what you wanted.
Fifteen years I have been here. And I have sacrificed a lot.
Ive put having a family on hold.
And Ive never gone hang-gliding. And Ive never driven my car to the top of Mount Washington.
I dont understand that after fifteen years of service here
Ok.
I quit.
You have no idea how high I can fly.
I had no idea when I got in that car and headed to New York I was going to quit. I got on that ramp and I thought two hours
Okay
No
I looked at Wallace and I said I quit! and as I turned to leave I looked back and I said You have no idea how high I can fly.
Why would I do that?
You guys have thought about this a lot more than I have. I just winged it.
Scotch with Splenda. Tastes like Splenda
What am I gonna do? Ill tell ya what Im gonna do. I gonna do a little bit of this
I have a job.
Pam
Any good headhunter knows I am available.
Youre I need you to is my command.
Hey.
You can talk to me for as long as you want. I have all the time in the world.   Oh God! Blech! Phyllis!
Oh! Hey. What is this about?
Oh.
Me too
I already have wine.
Hmm?
For?
Yes I am.
Where you from?
Thats a drive!

Thank you.
You work in paper long enough
What am I gong to do? Uh...  .
PSST! PSST!
Okay
Just close your eyes. Im going to start my own paper company.
yeah!
Can you believe... cause I know paper. I know everything there is to know about paper.
Yeah! Oh God. I practically invented decline.
Right
Close them.
Alright
Obviously.
Oh
Hey hey... whats up Chuck?
No Im staying.
Pam
You... oh. Somebody has been talking in bed. Pillow talk.
This is a dream that I have had since lunch
Before you got here
Cant I take some paper and just tape over it with transparent tape?
Thank you very much.
Im starting my own paper company.
Yeah.
Yeah. In all climates. Its going to be worldwide. And Im looking for some talented salesmen to join me. Thats where you come in.
Can you believe it? Well
Potential
Its... its very courageous
Thats what I was thinking
So think about it. Lets put a pin in it for now.
I made it sterile.
I am offering you the opportunity of a lifetime
No
Okay.
Okay
Stanley?
Listen
Just... I want you to think about it
Oh-okay
You know what. I had a great time at prom. And no one said Yes to that either.
Hmm?
Okay
Hank? You really think Hank is going to be loyal to you? Hank
Well here we are... I would just like to...
Alright then everybody
... and I feel free!
Shh shh shh... dont look down
Angela Kevin
I was going to
No
So which way are you leaning?
Thanks Jim.
Okay
Oh God... okay alright. Its time to go its time to go. Jim
I think maybe Hank should be here.
Youre going to mess with me
You are?
Okay. Its going to be great.
Right... Executive assistant.
Alright
Well
Are people watching?
Jim Jim Jim... were having a company meeting here.
Bye.
Oh
Yes I was. Yes I was.
That is inappropriate
Thank you. Would you like some french toast?
What shape?
Alright.
After breakfast.
So how you feeling about the new company?
You excited? About the new company?
After breakfast.
No
Just let go.
Let go
I cant do this! This is pathetic
I feel weak today. Felt much stronger yesterday. Like Benjamin Button in reverse.
Im not overwhelmed
Dont patronize me
Im not getting dressed. Im not getting dressed. I have too many things to do before I get dressed. I need to find a hundred clients.
Its totally impossible!
Assemble a sales team. A dream team.
Okay
Hes everything Im not and everything I am. Hes the whole package.
Umm... Oh! Vikram! Best salesman Ive ever met.
He worked at that telemarketing place.
Okay. Oh also
Yeah.
Maybe. Barbara Keebis. She invests in local businesses. And I am putting together a little presentation for her.
Yeah
Alright.
Oh. Wow. Michael Scott Paper Company. Okay. Very official. Dear Mr. Scott. Please be advised that it is in violation of your condominium agreement to conduct a business headquartered in your residence. The penalty
How are we gonna find an office? How can we pay for an office?
Okay. Okay. Achey Breaky Fart.
No! No No. No. My Stumps. Like My Humps but a guy with no legs.
We can do this.
Yes we do. So
Hey. I would like a pair of size nine
Okay
Well
Im...
Excuse me. Yes?
Yes
Yes.
It is.
Pam. Everyone deserves a second second chance.   Ryan
Would you like to come to work for the Michael Scott Paper Company?
Uh
Look what hes doing.
Hes stealing them. Okay
Hes already paying for himself.
Right here.
Oh yeah.
Sounds awesome.
People turn to their families all the time when they need help starting out and if my Nanas investment club can help the Michael Scott Paper Company become a reality
Well Im sure that you must all have very
Okay. I have spent the last 15 years learning the ins and outs of the paper industry. With a lean
By wanting it more. By working hard-
Mmmm-My mission is stated as follows : I will not be beat. I will never give up. I am on a mission. That is the Michael Scott guarantee.
And I offer same day
Nana.   I really think that Papa would want you to do this.
Well what is it exactly? I mean
Well... this might not be the right time
Okay.
Okay.
Yeah. I have cable and satellite as a backup.   Yeah
Whats that?
Blech.
Well you know what? My mom always used to say that average people are the most special people in the world. And thats why God made so many.
Well we should make a list. Lists are good. Lists are good. Lists are good. First on the list
I want you to listen to me. Because I want to tell you the situation that we are both in right now
So what are our options? Well
You gotta have some extra space. Philly
I did what I had to do. I stepped in. I took charge. Thats what being a man is. And earlier today
Okay.
Its right in the middle of the paper belt.
Yeah
You know what they say
Yes
Except this time
Its Britney bitch. And I am back
Hello! They took away my parking space but they cant take away my pride!
I would like to invite you all to come away with me
We are in the heart of it.   And the surge of water carries our business out to the sea.
We wait
I dont know I think weve done absolutely everything you can do to prepare for the day. Ive updated our contacts
I am going to need 800 of these
Hey you said you were gonna be out of town this weekend.
Hey Ryan?   Could you get to that copy from before?
Listen. Listen listen listen listen listen listen. I need someone to make a copy of this. Because I dont make copies
Stop it stop it! Bickering! Stop it!
Would someone just make the copy?
Just make that copy okay?
Theyre getting on my nerves Mom. Both of them. R thinks hes too good to be here
Im on the phone
They always say that it is a mistake to hire your friends and they are right! So
Listen up. It has come to my attention that some people in this office are not getting along with other people in this office. And I think I have come up with the reason why. This office space is too small.
Okay. There are ... 4 corners in this room. Each corner is to be a personal space for each one of you. Whichever corner you want. And make it your own.
Okay guys
No
Thats my corner.
No
Pam
Oh hey! Stanley
Thank you. You remember Ryan   And Pam is around here somewhere.
What for?
Yes.
Maybe the Michael Scott Paper Company was a huge mistake. I should leave. I should go
Get your free pancakes. They are delicious. They are nutritious. They are complimentary.   Young sir
Ryan
Hey Pam.
You sorta disappeared there for a while. Where ya been?
Yeah?
Well
These are shaped like paper.
I once had a dream. That I was eating a peanut butter and tuna fish sandwich. And
Dont tell them we have free delivery!
They dont know that!
Give him a guarantee.
Just say the word.
Yes!
You did!
Oh yeah!
She did it!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Who would have thought
Hup!
Hup!
Hey.
Is this good?
Oh. Okay. Eds Tires
I really appreciate it.
Its for your trouble.
No
Yes
That was four years ago. Why dont you let it go?
Eds Tires. Why dont you tell them that we have fewer clients
That is smart. That would not seem genuine. Ryan?
Good
Bring it in. Morning cheer.
I need you to get me the prices that youre charging Eds tires so I can undercut Dunder Mifflin.
Oh n- Is it Mose? Did you put the cover on that well?
Im not following you.
Personal hero
Crystal clear. So is this for a movie that youre writing?
Can I use it?
Michael dismisses note
Someone could say that it is like the situation that we are in now?
So I would say that the old boss has always been good to Dwight
Good. Will you meet me in 20 minutes at the spot?
Dwight?
Is the cool new guy Charles?
Is it Stanley?
Hello
Oh my God! Run! Run! Its a setup. Setup!
Dwight
You be cool.
Just-whats going on?
Mm-do... Dwight would not-
I. Understand. Nothing.
Wow.
It was a setup. Dwight told Charles. He told him.
Its like
I got hit in the face with a pee-filled water balloon
Hello
I want you to listen to me
Im just getting hardcore with him.
Yes
Is Mr. Schofield there?
Well
Wow. High score?
Hello
So you heard Schofield is considering a switch
No. No. You think I am going to fall for that? Theres no-
Meet- Ok
Toward the sun.
Noon.
You have two seconds.
Dwight.
I hope youre not recording this conversation.   Good. I cannot believe that you sided with Charles.
So you just rat me out? You could have said no.
If you want a truce
I do too.
Coopers.
Damn it.
Michael
Really? Thats weird. We didnt see any.
What?
Yeah
Okay
Yeah.
Dwight
No
What about our truce?
On purpose?
Why?
Be that as it may
Oh.  bites into sandwich
Dwight
If you keep coming after us
Oh
Oh
You can hear me
Oh
Walking in the door...
Mr. Schofield
Now
Yes. He does not have the authority to say that. I
What is that thing that Dwight always says? Paper is the soil in which the seeds of business grow?
Thats very rude.
Im going to pull a date out of the air right now. April 13th
Are going to fall by the wayside. Two of their branches have closed within the last year. The Michael Scott Paper Company
That sounds like a fantastic idea. I will see you this weekend for the Penguins. Box seats as usual.
Good
I color code all my info. I wrote gay son in green. Green means go
I wanted to start a company
Its 4:30 in the morning. Do you know where your kids are? If you are Ryans parents or Pams parents or my parents
Time to make the donuts.   Come on. Whoa! No
Hello! Time to make the donuts! Oh
Milk and sugar.
Thats what I said.
Every morning.
Were
You know what we need? We need some couches in here.
Oh
Like in a dorm room. You put your desk underneath
Most do in the magazines.
We should look into that. Or we just go for the loft.
How much can we afford to pay a delivery guy?
They are correct
Okay. A lame attempt at humor. Swing and a miss.
Lowest in town.
Okay
Explain that.
Well
Whatever
Our prices are the only thing keeping us in business.
Okay
Just crunch em. Just crunch em please.
Hi
Did I ever tell you about the day that Steve Martin died?
I know. But I always thought that the day that he died would be the worst day of my life. I was wrong. Its this.
I would love that.
Was it nice?
I love Pad Thai.
No. Theres a lot I havent done.
Hmm?
Were not hiring
Listen
Jim
No-- We dont have--
Uh... Yes.
Yes
Thats a pun.
Yep. Oh... wow.
Of course not.
Nope
Right
Oh
Ah...
Im good
It is. Im good.
Hello.
Michael Scott Paper Company to see Mr. David Wallace. I believe were expected.   Well
And we are prepared to reject that offer.
Never accept their first offer. What is your second offer?
Are you kidding me? That is insultingly low. I dont even want to hear what your first offer was.
Ill see your situation and Ill raise you a situation. Your company is losing clients left and right. You have a stockholder meeting coming up and youre going to have to explain to them why your most profitable branch is bleeding. So they may be looking for a little change in the CFO. So I dont think I need to wait out Dunder Mifflin. I think I just have to wait out you.
Well have to talk--
Just amongst ourselves.
Oh
We are so rich.
No.
Its a lot of money
Agreed?
Shut up
I want my old job back. I want my old parking space back. I want a Sebring.
And I want Charles gone.
I need him gone.
Okay
Sales.
Yes
And Ryan.
You know
And dental this time.
These are our demands.
Our company is worth nothing. Thats the difference between you and I. Business isnt about money to me
Thats one of em! Yes. These are our demands. This is what we want. Our balls are in your court.
Can we have the room please?
Yes! Can you believe it? Thats what Im talking about!
There are certain defining moments in a persons life. The day he is born. The day he grows hair. The day he starts a business. And the day he sells that business back to Dunder Mifflin. What have I learned from all of this? It is far too early to tell. I just know that I am flying high and I dont even want to think about it. I just want to enjoy it.
No
Someone is returning! He started his own company
Its Michael Scott.   Hold it up. Conference room
Well
If there is something that you would like to say as a group
Yes.
Take it up with Toby. What I want you to do
When I needed salespeople for my new paper company
Oscar
All right.
Not important.   Okay
Its going to work very smoothly
No
Okay.
Okay
There you are
Pamela.
Yep.
I know.
I do? Well--Where is that bowl?
Michael Scott Paper Company only.
Okay
I will--no
Against who?
The old Michael Scott might have taken this
Six weeks ago
That was us
Mm-hmm.
Yeah
Yeah
Hey gang. Where you been?
Whered you eat?
Whatd you have
So since you guys already ate
Dwight
Im going to o have some of this meat sandwich.
Mom. What kind of sauce is on your salmon?
Mmm. Thanks for going out
Hey
Who quits?
You guys gotta be kidding.
I love it. I love this idea
Yes I do.
Its frontwards.
No matter how I look at this
I need you to arrange a meeting between me and the sales staff without Ryan and Pam knowing.
Whatever you guys did earlier.
Just do it
Get em there. Get em there.
Are you kidding me?
Okay
So from the bottom of my heart to the top of my heart
If we could just focus and go down the line
They wouldnt make it unless people liked it.
Okay. If I give you your clients back there wont be enough clients for Ryan and Pam
Fine
You are not reacting at all as I had hoped.
Jim. Can I talk to you for a minute?
And Bingo was his name. Lets go.
I need your help. This whole Pam/Ryan debate is screwing with my head.
Youre close with Pam too.
Pro for Ryan
I like his hair.
Okay.
That sounds pretty biased.
Okay. Pam
I like her. I think that she is a fast learner. Cons
I dont need to tell you that.
I dont think you are being totally impartial though
Okay. So be it
Oh
Ho-ho
I have a very difficult decision to make. Its like last week I was at the video store. Do I rent Devil Wears Prada again? Or do I finally get around to seeing Sophies Choice? It is what you would call a classic difficult decision.
Pam
I gave Ryan the sales job. There just werent enough clients for the two of you. So I had to--
Im sorry
Yes
Yep.
No
No
Oh
You should have seen your face. Oh man! Oh
Oh
Oh
I dont know
I dont appreciate you telling me what to do. So clean out your desk
Oh! Whats our receptionists name?
Could you send her in?
Hello.
Have a seat.
This is very difficult to say
He will be ushering you out.
Oh
No
Oh...
I dont know
caught by camera crew dancing to At the Car Wash
Guys
Okay. How about a woman? Pam?
Oh
What about the rest of you?
At Dunder-Mifflin there is a very strict no lunch with the boss policy and I dont know who instituted it. I think it started right after my predecessor stepped down
Who else? Who else? Ryan?
Ok. Anyone? Anyone? At all? Accounting? I am accounting on you to go to lunch with me.
What?
Ugh! God! What happened to you people?   We are just office drones. We are office drones. All we do is work... is work.
I... was just learning... to... love.
No work. No work. No work. I come in here to release frustration. Ooh. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ooh.
Thats good.
If you ever want to come down here
Come on in. Hey
Now you got it.
Now you got it. Hey
You gotta keep yourself dehydrated.
Ok. I love it. I love it.
I love it.
Guys
Charles really did a number on these guys. They are way too focused on work. When I was in charge
Daddys here and daddy is going to take care of you.
I am your big daddy and I am gonna kiss da boo boo.
Andys afwaid?
Are you all afwaid?
Daddys here for you. My wittle angels. Ok. I think that I have figured a way to get you guys out of your funk.
Funk is the problem and the solution.
Ive taken my downstairs office and I have turned it into a place to hang out. A place where unattractive and attractive people can get together. To meet. To greet. To see the ones that you love. To love the ones that you see.
Why dont you get over lunch
No. Dwight is confusing you. That - its
... with coffee but without the haunted.
Its a daytime disco on the ground floor of and industrial office building.
Exactly.
Wha - No. No. Not even close. I cant force you to go down but I can entice you. Im gonna be down there. Erin will be down there from time to time... and all-you-can-eat espresso.
Well
Holdin down the fort.
Thank you.
This is a no work zone. Please respect the lei.
Kevin
Kevin
Stay
Cookie. Kevin
Mmm-hmm.
Come on.
Now I know what the founders of Phillip-Morris felt like. you just want to give people a smooth
Phyllis?
Hey!
Alright. Back. There you are. There you go. Good. Good. Ooh. Show me some attitude.
Oh
Oh
You didnt do that. Youre ok. Youre ok. Lets lie down. You want to go down? Alright.
Ok. Thats ok. Thats not a problem. Ok
No. No. No.
Its her back. We just - We need - Lets - You know what?
Were going to take care of you. Were gonna get you help. Lets - come on.
Oh
I dont need you to give me a history lesson. Ok?
Its just
Alright. Here we go.
You having fun?
What? Oh
Ok
Oh
Ok. Phyllis did injure herself. But she injured herself having fun and I dont think she would trade that memory for anything.
You all took a life here today. you did. The life of the party. Erin?
I want you to go downstairs and I want you to shut it down.
I dont care. Bury it. I hope youre happy.
I guess they got what they want. I am eating alone. Might as well be dinner.
Cafe Disco is dead but I can still hear the music in my head.
Its better than I imagined it!
Welcome
Angela. Angela. Angela. May I interest you in a triple espresso or perhaps a dance?
Oh. Alright. There you go.
No. No. No. Here is the deal - one signature for every song.
I know. I know
Hey
Hey! Hey! Angela
No... cleaning... up.
Hey! Hey! Jim and Pam! Can you believe this? Its really happening.
You guys are the best for coming. You dont have to stay if you dont want to. I understand.
Really?
Oh
Would you like to dance?

wakes up
Oh yay! Geography joke.  still laughing
See you later!
Were just friends.   Hey
Mmhmm. Yeah
All right. Mmhmm.   Hey.
A little bit. Uh
Hey.   Arrggh. So would you guys like some lemonade? Or one of you? Or both of you? Either or. The combinations are endless.
Okay.
You can go to hell.   Im kidding. Um
I lied to Kevin. Holly and I can never be just friends. I wrote down a list of bullet points why Holly and I should be together
What is up with you two
Cool. For who?
Wow... Im designing a chair. Its part of your pants. You sit down
All right
You bet your fat ass we are.
Well
Thats right.
Newspapers for sale!
I brought some snacky snacks
What?
Um
We could do a movie... sort of thing.
Oh!
Could we get a Delorean?
Oh!   Dun-der. Dun-der...
Dun-der. Dun-der. Dun-der. Dun-der. Blooo!!
No. No.
Were circling it.
Uh
And now

Yes
Ohh
Ahhhh!! Ohhh!! Ahhh!! I was there! Ahhh!! I was a tour guide at Dartmouth College!! Noooo!!!
Yeah
Im Robert Mifflin.   Ah
Two hundred and fifty dollars is more money than Ive ever seen in my life. I will say
Yes!
I will say B
David Wallace told me!!
I guess not.
Well... I didnt know they didnt know.
Thank you.
Well
Probably shouldnt have mentioned Buffalo.
Shouldve had hindsight.
I think it went well. I think it was good.
No
Believe me
Me too.   We have a lot of good material for next years sketch.
Well you guys should hit the road before... I close down another branch.
Good to see you.   AJ.
I didnt find a perfect moment
enters office
standing on tractor trailer with Dwight and Andy
Parkoooooour!
Whos getting married?
If somebody doesnt tell me
Oh! Hey
Did everybody know about this but me?
Okay... okay.
Youll never guess what I know.
Eric likes Megan.
How do you know this?
I hate
to Maurie
Im talking about your group date with Megan and Eric.
Yes
Well...
Stanley was on your group date?
Does anybody else know about this?
laughs
There he goes. There he goes.  Stanley gets up from his desk
So
Nothing? Well I got a little somethin somethin. I dont know if I should say...
Stanly is having a midlife crisis.
Well apparently
Who?
starts to speak
entering break room
Stanleys wife is out of town.
Oh
I dont get it!
Drugs?
Mmm... okay. Uhh... hmm... okay. Never mind. Carry on.
approaching Kellys desk
I am very happy right now. Thrilled perhaps
motioning to pad of paper with hangman game
No... no. Hes holding a pencil. He could be doing a crossword puzzle with that pencil. Whats that letter
T! Yes! Yes! That is a T
Hey
No
Pays five million dollars. Nudity required.
giddy
Oh
stares at Jim silently
in parking lot
So Its not true. Okay
So stupid!
I know
Oh
Wait
Oh my God! Wait a second
Im not saying... a damn thing.
You can count on me.
Oh
Did you hear about Angela? Thats pretty weird.
Well
Uh huh.   Alright?
How do you un-tell something? You cant. You cant put words back in your mouth. What you can do is spread false gossip so that people think that everything thats been said is untrue
Yeah.
Anorexia. Shes an anorexatic.
Nothing can be done
Im worried about Erin
Yeah. So... and Andy is gay.
Mm hmm.
Did you hear Pam is pregnant?
Yeah!
Guys
Okay everybody
Yeah
Thats not important

Nowhere.

to everyone
Yes.
But guys
Jim? No
Because a lot of people think that models
Okay
The one true rumor
Alright
Yes. Jim...
Look at that!   That is the inside of your v*g1n*!
How long have you known about the pregnancy?
A week? A month? A year?
Did you pee on a stick?
You shouldve told me.
phone rings

Oh
No
No
Yes
Hey
Hold on a second
Well
Yeah?
Yes
Im going in for a procedure today.
Yeah
It is a colonoscopy.
In your experience
My main concern
Abso... you know what? Ill do you one better
Ho
Oh right
Its okay with me but hes gonna want me in there.
Really?
Alright
Am I worried that Jim and David are having a meeting without me? No
Hey let me escort you to your desk.
You and Jim are close
Hey
Well
If you are lying to me right now Pam
I just dont want you to lie to me. I dont want you to ever lie to me. Have I ever lied to you?
I just dont want you to.
walks into conference room on his cell phone
Sorry about that. Whatd I miss?
Do not mind! Yes
Yeah.
Nope.
No
What is Jim telling him? That I cant handle this job? That s bull crap. That is bull crap. Although
How are your sales doin?
Shhh
Wallace had to show up on the one four month period that Im completely overwhelmed.
You know when they say its so crazy it just might work? Well
Be my eyes.
Hey
Yes
Look who youre talking to.
Well I would say that my greatest talent is being the best man
Permission to speak on the record?
Jim is like Big Bird. He is tall and yellow and very nice. But would I put him in charge? No
Very much
Its not very well written
I can just continue to run it myself.
This was Jims idea?
Wow. Ummm
after talking to David
Little pick me up?   Oh those are the best. Little sugar rush.
Well we did talk about how handsome you are.
Oh what a week
Hmmm
Tell you what
Yes!
Yes.
Hey David
Just wanted to talk to you about Jim Halpert. I understand that he did not receive the promotion. And I wanted to see what I could do to nudge you in the right direction.
Wha... heres the thing
Well
Hey
I never recommended you because I didnt want to lose you and I didnt want to lose Pam
Thats what she...
Kind of in the middle of something here.
I
Hello.
No
Oh
Well just as long as it means Jim becomes a manager.
I like that
Well that might be a little confusing for people because they know me as manager.
Okay everybody
Everybody
Of your butt
Whats happening to me? I am also being promoted to co-manager
No way
That is not big picture.
... Okay.
That is not-- okay-- that is day-to-day.
Youre trying to trick me.
Get out
Everyone
Yes?
Mmm
Welcome.
Mm-hmm.
Disruptive.
No
Lets do.
N-- well
Alright. Jim
At first
Because its a big universe
You know what eats a large amount of the day are naps. You go to sleep
Yes.
Alright. No more meetings this week.
I can be very suprising.
Mm-hmm?
Yeah
Stanley
What do you mean by these people?
Oh
Listen
What do you guys think?
No
That is not what Wallace told us.
That is not the way I heard it.
It is one thing
No
Or David Wallace will call us on line two. Why dont we just--
Hey David
Got it
Which is it more of?
I thought maybe we could talk after this is over.
No
Talk to you later--   Okay
I hate the fact that we have to do this together. I think we work better separately. When I am irritated and I look at you
All I can see is how big and gross the pores on your nose are.
You know
No
Jim
You use your brain too much.
Sometimes the smartest people dont think at all.
As I was saying it.
Con-- you look like a nerd.
Pro-- you get to share your pros and cons list with the other nerds.
Con-- you unzip your pants
That will not go over well.
Oh
No! I could not do that
And then another--
Oh
Ha! That-- I am not known for that!
Yes! You went over my head to Wallace!
Okay. Well
Ah.
Okay
Okay
This had better be terrible.
That was good! That was good! Okay
My plan-- a man-- panama.
Alright! Let me get this clear! Does everybody want a raise?   Alright
What about a raise based on merit?
Mm-hmm. Piece of cake. Ryan
Are you making a--
Toby.
Just wanted to draw a picture of him.
Alright! Who to pick?   Who to pick?
I... will skip a turn.
I need more time.
Hey
leaving his office
How you doing?
Oh
Usually a ten
I know
Yes
Um
Youre welcome.
Gin.  toast
Just pretend were not here.
What do you think? I spent all morning on it.
Its just a really important day for me.
Thanks.
Yes she does. Yes she does. Were all gonna go and were gonna have a good time.
No.
And
Dont. Dont. Dont. You stole my joke. Dont steal my joke.
Yes. I said that yesterday.
Dwight...
No. No. No. Please
This is what Im talking about. When we leave here and go up to Niagara Falls we are representing Dunder Mifflin
Pam and Jims wedding will be the single best pick up destination in the history of the universe.
Get out of here.
Oh
Theres... a name.
Oh. Well
Is that all you have on her?
Youre an idiot.
in car
Those glasses are super dark.
Alright. We need some tunes
You did?
That was nice of you.
Oh
Are you serious? You want me to play that for a woman coming to my room?
No. No. Thats not how it works.
Hello. Reservation for Michael Scott.
Mmm-hmm.
I dont have a reservation but I want a room in the Halpert-Beesly block of rooms.
Dwight. Dwight
Im staying in your-- Come on
I would do the same for you.
Yes.
Yes... just go--
Oh. Thank God.
Um... no. And you know what? I would say yes but you cant. And Ill tell you why.
If I have a woman up there and things are getting amorous
Ok.
I dont have a room?
Ok. Oooh. You must pass the dungeon wisdom test.
Jerk.
When Mary was denied a room at the inn... Jesus was born. When Michael was denied a room at the inn
Hey. Stanley? Can I stay in your room tonight?
Not in the same bed. In the other bed.
You... are... kidding me.
Im not a physics major
Thats rude.
You are going to be slepping by yourself for the rest of your life
Yeah
How ya doin?
Nice to meet you.
Whos doing a toast? I would like to go third. Sort of bat clean up and--
talking quietly
Didnt move my lips.
Head table
Well
What am I supposed to do with that
They have hilarious material and they are going to totally deliver it wrong. I would kill with the brother stuff. It should be me... up there. It should be me and Pete
Thats not appropriate. Hello. Hi
Thats a car that can talk. Can Smart Car talk? Nope.
Thats not smart. And also
And... you... everybody can laugh. It doesnt have to just be the idiots. Everybody can laugh.
Yeah. Go ahead.
Ok. Ok. Hey. What I think Jim is trying to say is that... they had an accident and you know what? These two people
Yes. Yes they were living together. Yes and you know what? You cant expect them to be careful every time. Because
When you c-- well? Am I wrong? They say its not different
When you use something to block-- I think everybody knows what I am talking about. Its not necessarily different for the woman--
...but its different for the-- ok. Ok.
Alright. My point is I said what I wanted to say and Mema
Jim.
That was a little touch and go at first but I think we saved it.
I know. I cant believe it was you
I have not found that to be the case.
Can you believe it? He screwed up
Theres gonna be a free room?
Hi
Yes. Yep. One in the same. May I?
I am actually great with old women. In fact
Oh. Ok. Well... hook you up
Youre welcome.
Oh. Isnt he terrible? May I? Heres the thing. Umm... Mema
Exactly.
I know.
Theyre gonna name the baby after you
Yes
What are you wearing?
Looks like youre going to a fish fry
Ok.   Thats not appropriate.   Uncool. Uncool
Dwight
Toy Story
Yes.
Why?
Oh
Theyre men
Something is wrong with you.
Is that Pam? Hey
I love you!
Mmm! Its after midnight.
Oh my God. Youre not going to be able to talk back.
Shell be sitting home saying
Now you sound like Kermit.
folding his pants on top of the ice machine
Hey
How can you eat like that?
Yeah
She was cute. You know? She was hot. She was very hot. She made love like a tiger.
She was from Europe.
Uh-huh.
No.
Wait a second. Youre not into her? Are you kidding me?
Shes Pams best friend. You guys could double date. Swap maybe?
No... youre crazy.
Shes-- okay. Do you know how hard it is to be a hygienist? You have to take x-rays. You have to scrape the plaque off of peoples teeth. You have to tell kids when to spit and make sure theyre not scared when the dentist comes in. It-- it--
I already have my European girlfriend.
Oh
Hey
Oh
Hey. Hi. Do you--would you have a snack in your purse? Youre a mom. I just figured you might have--
Oh! Eww... apricot. Do you have any of the Very Berry or Ocean Splash or--
Oh... okay. Were you saving it?
Im sorry.   Ugh. Apricot. Made of real apes.
my weekend was bad so far.
I came here hoping to meet somebody. You know
And... and the love of my life is dating somebody else.
It is a terrible year for love.
Im thinking about having my sperm frozen.
Oh
Yes! Yes! I have so much joy... in my heart... right now. How do I look?
Hey Pam
The fundamentals of business. The funda-mentals of business. Mental is part of the word
Get out.
Yes. So
Mmhm.
Mmhm.
Yes
No.
Yeah! Thats good! Come on up! Meredith
All right...
Okay
What?
The fundamentals of business by Michael Scott. Over one billion sold. More than the Bible
Oh hi. Im sorry
Do you know how creative space works? Okay I just cancelled my afternoon.
Push free play til tomorrow morning.   Hi. Sorry. Crazy day. Youre seeing how the sausage gets made.
Come in the conference room and I will show you a finished sausage.
Mmhm.
Yep.
Okay.
There is nothing more insulting to a great salesman
Oh yup. Yeah
Mmhm
Okay
Do your worst.
Oh
Mmhm.
Nothing
No Dwight
There is no such things as monsters.
Wait
I think
He did talk about a fire in the warehouse... and he also vaguely threatened me with testicular cancer.
Hey
Okay.
Um it is
Okay too many different words coming at me from too many different sentences.
Im not gonna lock my door.
Its Grotti. Hes following up.
I feel that you will regret missing this great opportunity to be in business.
Yeah.
Yeah. What are my options here? Do I just ignore it
Okay
All right.
Shh!
Thats not gonna happen.
What am I supposed to do here?
I was thinking exactly the same thing.
I dont know
Hold on
All right. I will meet with him
Andy dressed as a mechanic
Lets go
Forget it! Forget it!
Take that thing off the table! Please!
Oh my God!
Guys
Hello.
Mr. Grotti we meet again. These are my associates.
Yes.
Well.
Okay.
Thats not true.
Okay shut up.
I will have the gabba-gool.
The gabba-gool.
I dont
Guys
Thats okay.
Shh. I will have the spaghetti
If the salad is on top
I dont think our company actually needs any more insurance. So I am out.
No
Hey
Hes a good mechanic.
I dont...
Okay
Yep
Put it down.
Okay.
Okay.
Its just the cost of a cup of coffee an hour.
I had to make a snap decision Dwight.
It was a lot of snap decisions.
Yes!
Just get in the car.
Jim?
Oh thank God.
It wasnt easy. I had to tell the hotel it was a medical emergency. I chose massive coronary
Yeah
Okay!
Jim? Are you?
What? Wait
No! God! I missed
No! Oh my God!
No
Jim?!?   Oh my God.
Hey uh
Oh no. Um. What about this Cash For Clunkers thing?
All right. Well
No. Hes not. Hes just good. Nothing sticks to him. You still dont understand how this works.
But Grotti acts like hes mafia though.

If there is one thing I hate more than the mafia it is a liar. I wish the mafia would go out and kill all the liars. Bury them in my yard. And I wouldnt tell the cops a thing. Not that I would be lying per se. But I would just get really quiet
This is Scott.
Oh really? Is that supposed to scare me?
Well you thought wrong. Because I am not pleased. Im actually kind of POd.
I think you know exactly why
I think you knew exactly what you were doing. And frankly I think you were being a total and utter jerk.
You suck!
And Im not gonna buy your stupid insurance.
How about that? The only person that actually needs insurance is you
Doubt it.
What a tool.   What?
No. What do you mean?
What?
Oh man. I should be mad at you guys. But Im not.
So I looked him in the eye and I said
Erin?
Coffee?
Not from the kitchen. Stop and Shop. If its not Stop and Shop
Large. If its a medium I send it back. If its an extra large I send it back.
Go. Any questions?
Is there someone there? Who is there? I hear voices
Is someone there? I cant see you because Im blind.
It is?
Theyre back? Oh! Oh! Oh
And oh
Oh
Blind-guy McSqueezy. How do I describe it? It is a character Ive been workshopping whose lack of vision gets him into all sorts of trouble. The women in my improve class absolutely hate him.
behind Pam
I have recently taken a lover.
Pams mom.
Pams mom
About what?
Oh
She drives a green camry.
And the seats go all the way down. All the way down.
What?
Okay
Get the hell out of here
I think youre underestimating Pam. I think more than anything
Okay
Shes right on my way home from work.
I di- alright
Yeah.
Can you change my dinner reservations from four people to two?
Sure. Thanks for asking.
Oh
That is amazing. I feel like a real Puerto Rican.
Erin
Yeah.
Yeah
Hmm... no.
I dont.
I dont deserve this
No

I was probably going to break up with her anyway.
Pam
It is.
You want me to be happy?
Part of the problem is
More than a friend
Its okay.
That could have gone one of two ways
Okay.
Feels good.
Im sleeping with Pams mom. Sometimes
Due to a certain recent incident
That was a hit job. If you read the Dunder Mifflin press release it clearly states that they had absolutely nothing to do with that particular cancer cluster. So if there is a lesson to be learned here and Im not sure that there is
Who wants to help the world one step at a time?   Alright
Alright
Alright...
Okay
Ok
Anybody else? Who else has an idea?
Can you hold down the fort?   Hey boo!
Whats it... why are you crying?
No
Pamela Morgan Beesly
For trying to find happiness in the arms of a lover?
Alright
Shut up Oscar. Hey
Lets get back to the matter at hand.
No
I dont like the tone here... this is a place of business
Do not talk to me that way! I am your boss and I may someday be your father
I hope that you are willing to die in this office
Hey Toby
Um
Can I sit down for a second?
This is gonna sound weird
She brought it into the work place so I feel like it has to be dealt with here.
Really? Would you do that?
hugs Toby
No... thats...
I dont... um... I cant hear your conversation.
Yeah
You were right Jim
Okay
Well
Because I assumed that you want me to be happy because I want you to be happy.
You know what? Im gonna start dating her even harder.
You know what it means.
I dont need to be friends with Pam. I have plenty of female friends. My mom
Night everyone. Night Pam
Night Erin.
Welcome children of the Scranton Industrial Park Community.
Join your gangsta pumpkin on his palette truck of doom. Dont worry about a thing. Rest assured you will see me later. Bwah ha ha...   ... ha ha ha.
I am going to scare these kids so bad.
Kids
Why is Christmas the only holiday that can have a message?
It is the easy way out. You are not alone.
Who wants candy?
...and then I think Im going to go to the Garlic Festival.
Sounds like fun. You guys would love it.
They have a TCBY booth.
The same stuff you get downtown.
Do you like TCBY?
I cant believe its- I cant believe its yogurt. Uh... itll be fun
You should give them a call. Check that out.
Jims a good kid. He can handle a lot but sometimes you have to call in a master. I
Wha- what?
Why dont they just want you to go by yourself? Why do they want me to come
I dont want you to feel like Im baby-sitting you
Let me get your stroller.
What are you gonna call him?
No. What is his name?
Mr. Bourchard. Theyre very formal.
Yeah
...and that is the watch that you are going to wear? No. It is not. You should wear this watch. I will loan it to you. It is a Tankard. I highly recommend you wear that.
They are into style.
They are into appearance. We are selling success.
Thats sorta secondary.
Alright. Hi. Any messages?
Uh
It was. It was. And then in an instant it wasnt.
It rained.
Nothing. Cocoa.
Good. Yep.
Ok. Thank you.
Yeah?
Ok. Put them on speaker. Hey guys
Uh... I cant really hear you. I think we have sort of a bad connection.
It was- Ok. This is what it was. It was these bunch of idiots who had put a fish tank in the ground with no cover and no railing.
No. Maybe I was trying to save a child that had fallen in.
Not yet!
No it is- dont! Im not gonna bump. Im not gonna bump. And it was not hilarious. It was very
Erin
Oh. He did? What did he say?
Ok.
Thank you
Ok.
Yes.
I can name Pixar movies
I know what a flounder is.
Im not usually the butt of the joke. Im usually the face of the joke. I wish Jim had fallen into that pond and hed have to put on my suit and itd be too short and hed look... Damn it! Hed still look good.
The most fundamental thing about sensitivity training is that you cannot make fun of a person for something or some action that they have done that they regret. Show of hands- who has been Koi-ponded? Who heres been the butt of a joke that has gone too far? Phyllis?
Uh...
You never said anything.
Well
We are going to make a Do Not Mock list. Ok? Anything that we think might be out of bounds
Your nose?
Alright.
No. I havent finished writing. Did you sneeze it off? Thats it. No more. Ok. Who else? Who else? Everybodys getting their chance.
Ok. Thats to broad. Its gotta be something else. How bout your stomach? Yeah?   Meredith?
Ok. Fine. Come on up here. Write it yourself. And dont sign your name to it. And nobody look. Everybody look away. Look away.
Ok.
Its a fish.
It couldve died of natural causes. So...
Do not mock
What? No. I could get a fish for a 5 cent worm.
No
No. We are not done here. This-
No
Yes
I want to make fun of you right now.
No. Dont do that. Youre not. Youre not stupid.
Oh
Hey. I- I just wanna say that I cannot believe that I walked into a Koi pond. I mean
Well
Its ok. Were having fun. Its not actually the first time Ive been embarrassed by a pond. In high school
Hey. Who wants to watch Michaels pond dive? My roommates friend is the night janitor over there. He swiped the security tape for me and hes bringing it over.
Is this the tape of me falling?
No. Its ok. Watch it. He cant fire all of you.
Its alright. I can handle it.
I am a grown-up
I dont think you froze.
Jim is jealous of me? Jim is jealous of me.
Oscars a douche.
No. Hes a- yeah
Youre welcome. Whoa!   Almost fell.
Morning Dwight.
No. I had a fish stick sandwich. Actually I had two fish stick sandwiches. My girlfriend didnt want hers. Because I guess Im the only aphrodisiac she needs.
Well
It worked.
I dont mind if I do.
Im taking one for my lady friend.
Brain food. Thank you very much.
My girls. There they are.
Birthday lunch. Birthday lunch-- there is no better medicine than birthday lunch. Itll cure all of your Gee I dont know if Michael should be dating my mother and fixes all occurrences of I dont really see them together. So
Yeah--
I think everyone has meet Helene. Shall we?
No
Yeah. The rest of the story has been censored due to-- inappropriosity.
Hey--
Please
Just want you to succeed Pammy. You know what
Today is about family.
Hello. Scott. Table for four.
What table should we take? So many to choose from.
What? All I see are boring old tables with no birthday decorations. Oh
Not about taking credit. Lets just say we all did it.
Well
Oh. Thank you. Thanks for lending me the books.
Thats funny.
Youre 54 years old.
Youre 58 years old?
Congratulations.
The only time you should care about a womans age is if she is too young for you and I am not robbing the cradle. If anything I am robbing the grave.
That--
Hey
Helene?
I am. Im definitely going to do it. Ive already got the run and the bike thing down. Just need to learn how to swim. Come on
So its a matter of interest. Good
Well theres no jumping in a triathlon.
Youre thinking of the broad jump. Would you try-- bungee jumping?
Snowboarding?
I might.
Nothing. Just life-- and doing things-- before you die. I dont know.
Do I really want to go snowboarding? No. But I would like to if I wanted to.
So we should get the check?
Oh
Yes you will.
I literally-- I put no thought into the wrapping at all. Might as well of been toilet paper.
Thats just an arbitrary title.
Its not amazing... at all. Its sort of weird that I went and did that. And now your wish wont come true
Oh that I plagiarized I think.
Well
That was a bunt.
Oh
I got thirsty.
Honestly
Finish your cake
I want you to enjoy that cake because I have something terrible I need to tell you. I want you to enjoy your cake before I tell you this terrible
Helene I think youre a wonderful person and I-- God-- Ive enjoyed dating you and being your boyfriend so much. But I have to consider Pams feelings as a friend and a co-worker I can not in good conscience continue to date you
No its not.
Wow. That just-- youve really grown.
Thank you Pam. And I hope you are as gracious during this next part. Helene
And I want kids. And you... unfortunately
Its not my decision. Its mother nature. And mother has very strict rules about fer--   -- tility.
Well
Pamela Beesly Halpert--
May I have a word with you in my office please?
Well
Yes.
Yes. Join me please
Because of all the good work youve done.
Thats-- no
Do you want the raise or what?
Hey
No! No-- no I am not. Unless you want me to. DO you want me to? Cause I will. I will bribe you. No. Your face is saying dont-- unless I havent offered you enough... your face isnt changing. What is it? Talk to me face. Tell me what Pams brain is thinking. Come on! What do you want? What do you want? Do you want a million dollars? Do you want to hit me? Want me to get down on one knee and beg you or--
What?
Oh-- okay
Ye-- No. Alright. Ill take off my jacket and tense my stomach and you can just--
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
See you.
Hey.
Never. About what? A little-- what are you talking--
What punch?
Im pretty sure we said slap.
I-- mmm-- Im good.
Hey.
Do you and Pam ever get frisky?
I mean-- do you ever wrestle with each other?
Really?
She strong?
Can you stop this?
Okay.
I dont either.
Mmm-hmm. I know.
You gotta do something--
How much time do you think youll need?
Come on
Am I scared of getting hit in the face? No. Everyday weirdos pay dominatrixs hundreds of dollars for that very privilege. Im scared Im gonna love it.   Lets do this.
Its okay guys... I can handle this. Everybody can go home.
Youre just a bunch of voyeurs. Are you eating popcorn?
Yes.
I know.   Okay. Alright.   Oh-- God!
Okay!   Pam
So many things. I dont know. Its hard to choose.
Maybe that--
Yes.
Okay. I promise.   For the record your mom came on to me.
No!
I dont know.
As I watched Pams big
Ahh...
Oh thank you. Thanks. I owe you one Dwight.
No.
What are you talking about--
Forget that.
No.
Oh that feels better.
But I would say my favorite art form is a tie between sculpting and stand up comedy.
You did?
That sounds like it was hilarious.
Yes?
Youll have to be more specific Dwight
Woo hoo
Erin
Did you?
Oh
Its $1.99 to finish the article. I wonder what it was going to say?
No
Oh
Oh God. Well
Ah
OK
No
Crazy world. Lotta smells.
OK
Monkey see
Monkey pee all over you.
We have a monthly staff meeting
walks back in
Games have the power to distract people from stressful situations. Battleship got me through my parents divorce. Operation got me through my vasectomy
It is so much fun. Everybody plays a character
This is my call Jim
Tube City
There will be food. You leave
Sandwich platters.
Baby carrots.
OK
OK
Its not scary.
Well how do you think I feel? I mean I have to play Caleb Crawdad
looks at Oscar who is using his phone
Whos Michael? Im Caleb Crawdad
That is the way Southern people talk.
Delta Burke
No
Oooooo
I do believe that the game is a big hit. People are really diving into their characters.
Sir
Very good
Whoa. Whats this strange Yankee accent coming out of your mouth
No no no no no no no.   Im going to skip forward to a relevant clue. Here we go.
Are you going to believe that? That is a mis- thats a misdirection. We still dont know who the murderer is.   Nellie Nutmeg
I do believe you have me mistaken
No it aint.
I already declared you
This is not a game
You are out of order.
You are-
Deb
Cant wait
To Mama Juju Boo Boo.
Because this is the recreation of a crime scene.
No Michael here
No
Oh
Detective Wallace?
Aw
No
A murder
Get in there!
There has been a lot of murder and a lot of intrigue. My little heart can barely take it no more.   Today is the hardest I have worked in a long
On the count of three were all going to put down our guns.
Well put down our weaponry on the count of three
One
Ok. Ok. How bout this?  rises
I want it to be better than Great
Nope. Then my face is down. They cant see my face.
Alan Brand is the CEO of the company
Ok. Obviously Im not going to do the twirl. I only did it because I nailed the wave.
I am not going to do the twirl. Alright? Its not even a twirl
Ok
Well
Its not a limo. Its a town car. Town cars are actually better
They sent a limo.
Town cars suck. Town car is something that a company sends when theyre in trouble. A limousine is something that a company sends when they have cause for celebration. And in this case I think we are celebrating me.
Oh
Hate to break it to you Oscar but some of us like boobs.
Hey
What?
The limo seats eight. Ok. Then Jim and Pam and Ryan plus a guest.
Mmm... whoa.
in the limo with Dwight
Definitely.
Definitely. Look they got pillows. That. Thats bigger than my bed.
Whos playing with the button?
I will have to answer.
No
Oh
Yes.
Oh
Well
Well
See you later.
Officers. Thank you.
Thank you.
Hello.
Thank you.
Oh. It was awesome. Very
Its nice to meet you
Ah.   Your eminence.
You guys ever protect the president?
What about Madonna? Or Obama twins? Anybody famous?
Rock and roll.
This is not as much fun as I thought it would be.
Were going bankrupt
Hey
Yes.
Yeah
Ok. Alright. We are gonna - were gonna go out there during this break and we are gonna come back with a plan. Were gonna come back with a plan for you. Its a 45 day plan. 45 days to get us back on track.   45 points. Its a 45 day/45 point. One point per day. We get the 45 points we are back in business.   And you can take that to the bank.   And Limo Lady
Wow. Things are really picking up.
What?
I did wave. I did a lot more than wave.
We tell them the plan
Heres what were gonna do. The 45 day thing that I outlined
Just whatever comes to mind. Shout it out.
I am the guy who roused that crowd.
Got them on their feet.
They were so happy down there.
Ok. Alright. Well
Well
Its done.  Oscar
Oh. There he is. Come on in. Come on in. Gentleman
Tell them what you told me. This is genius.
Tell them about the cash flow and the dumping of properties and - this is all -
Its all good. Its all good stuff. Lay it on them.
That wasnt what you were saying to me. He was much more articulate and that was better. Much better.
O-kay. Oh... hey
Wow
That was embarrassing.
For me
Well
Uh

Yes it is a thrill to be honored by ones company. To have the people that you work for stop for a minute and say
running out of the building with Oscar
Yeah
Okay
I have it on good authority that you said the following.   Can you read that back to me?
Mmm-hmm.
Okay.
You are also on record as saying wittle-ittle
You cant be a baby in the office. It makes me look like I hire babies.
Okay
Well
Youre welcome
Keep.
I want to keep those so I can see what I sent.
Keep.
For what?
Oh okay. I dont know how those got on there...
Must be hackers.
What if I told you I had done the worst thing ever
Worse than that.
Lurk much?   I miss Pam.
Is that what were going for now? okay? We used to go for pretty good.
Yeah
Well
It would look good
There you are. I dont think we have finished with my Inbox.
To change lives.
Yeah
Well...
No.
I just
Just tell me it is going to be okay
Im not a bad person
Would you come with me? You know
Agh
Hey
Good to see you. Wheres your saxaphone?
Eigth grade graduation
Well
Oh
Sure.
Oh
No
Oh
Oh.
Wow!
Oh
All right. Wow. Um
Ah. All right. I came here today because I promised you tuition and tuition is very valuable. But you know whats invaluable is intuition. You know what that is? That is the ability to know when something is about to happen. Does anybody out there have intuition? Know whats gonna happen next? Nobody? Okay
Well Zion
Im sorry. Im sorry. Im so sorry.
I lied to myself too. Im not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was 30
Okay
Hey
Erin
Yeah. Yeah. I know
What can I do?
I can give you an extra laptop battery. Not everyone took one. How about this? If you can find a way to pay for your college tuition
Yeah
Really? Wow. Thats over $200 a year.
For-okay
Thats a lot of zeroes.
Please stop. 15 lives. I destroyed 15 young lives today.
Yes.
Youre what
I think youre doing a great job.
What do you want from this job
Really?
You know
Yeah. I just sortve had a feeling about him. I have a feeling about you too.
Heeeeeeres Santa! Hey little girl
What the hell is going on?
Phyllis
Phyllis?
Take it back. That is absurd.
No? No! Jim! Come on!
Its insane! A woman Santa
Fine! Then do it anonymously. Ransom note style. You can- I -you know what
If this were Russia
Ho ho ho! Why pay more to sit next to old Tranny Claus over there
No its not
Oh! I am so sorry that Phyllis hates you. And hates your body. But
Right now! Come on over here
What would you like for Christmas little boy?
What did you think was going to happen?
All right
Damn it Kevin
Okay get off
Okay you know what you get? You get a thousand helium balloons attached to you so Santa doesnt have to go through this again.
Ryan come here!
Come on
Ahhh... Ho ho ho!   Come on I need this. Come over here!
Just sit down!
Yup. Ryan and I are just having some fun!
Whoop! Okay
Okay. You know what Jim
Do you understand
Oh
Hey! Okay! Everybody! The office is being pulled apart! I realize that. There are traditions at stake. And there are--
No no no wait! No! There are other choices
Ill get some punch. That looks delicious.
I dont ask for much for Christmas
Behold!   Jesus Christ. And I bring to you glad Christmas tidings. I want to remind everyone the true meaning of Christmas.   Those of you who wish to join me
Oh the Anti-Christ!
Oh but I can push drugs in here? Is that what youre saying?
Well you have to pick one or the other. Your choice. Pick your poison. Get back to me. In the meantime
Uh oh
Oh yes. Its space garbage. Dwights gonna be able to build himself a friend!   Deck the halls with crappy gifts...
Yeah
Oh
I cant see from here people. Somebody shout it out
Thats fantastic. You can make another dress that goes past your feet.
No!
Andy had Erin.
What? Was I not supposed to say it?   What? Turn it back on.
David
Ill give you a hint. His last name is Christ. He has the power of flight. He can heal leopards.
Im Jesus
What?
Really? Whats going on?
What the hell? How rude! Does she do that all the time?
Hey! Get off! Get off the phone!
What does that mean?
Well
All of us?
Oh my God.
Earlier today this office needed a Santa. And then it needed a second Santa. And then it needed a Jesus. And now
Hey. Hows everybody doing?
That was a different guy. That was Jesus. Jesus sort of ruined the party. Hurt petulant Jesus.
You know whats even more offensive
I dont want to say. But
Its fun to stay at the -
Mmm
You know what
Its not... Nevermind. Nothing.
I didnt say anything!
Were going out of business!
David told me on the phone. David told me.
Earlier today.
He said
Dwight! Jesus!
Davids gone. Alans gone. Were all gone.
Its hard for me to imagine a scenario
Ill call him. Ill call David.
Yes
He told me where his kids go to school. I call the school
Its not sweetie
Stephanie could you hop off please?
David!
David
David
Well I think were past that now.
Were not fired?
Yeah!   Its a Christmas miracle!
Woo hoo!  climbs on desk
Oh! You got it? What is that?
Huh. Well
Hi Santa.
Id like to make a wish.
I would like an Xbox
You called Bob?
Come on! Phyllis!
Okay.
Oh God. Get a room Santas!
Thank you Santa. Happy Holidays.
Dunder Mifflin is about to be sold. But first an investment banker has to drop by and sign off on our branch. And... Im... pretty nervous about it. And... Im... making some cosmetic tweaks to help create a more appealing environment. Is that dishonest? Well
I see youve met Computron
What is the worlds largest ocean?
Pacific Ocean. Pretty cool
That is fantastic. Its good
Hello
Ok. Well
- since you made the trip out. And I got us reservations at Coopers Seafood. You like lobster? Youve had lobster before
They make the best Maine lobster in the world. Youll love it.
No
Oh
Alright. Excuse me.   If you will -
- follow me this way. Ill introduce you to the crack HR rep that you requested. I give you Toby Flenderson. Have fun
I left a copy of Best American Mystery Stories 1999 in Tobys favorite stall. So
Hey
Stuff. I love stuff.
HR stuff?   HR Pufnstuf. Right up my alley.   What is that? What kind of stuff is that?
Ah.
Talkin bout
Waste? What does that even mean? Like garbage?
Oh
No. No. No. No. No. No. Respectfully
This is a building where friends become lovers and lovers become sexually interactive.   Right? Would you agree with that?
Thats
I feel very sorry for that banker because he has to evaluate what we are worth. He has to decide what we are capable of and how do you do that? What is Jim capable of... or Pam... or Kevin?
I dont care if he goes and files a report and says that were nothing special because I think our future is very bright. We have only just begun.
Computron
Just - sh -
Shut -
Shut up. Shut up.
Sittin in my office with a plate of grilled bacon. Called my man
So check out how we live
They call it Scranton!
The Electric City. Scranton!
The Electric City. Lazy Scranton
Plenty of space in the parking lot.
Snack attack time.
We like Cuginos
They call it Scranton!
The Electric City. Scranton!
The Electric City. Scranton!
The Electric City. Scranton!
The Electric City. Scranton!
Ugh.
Oh
Its from Sob-ray
Dunder Mifflin was recently bought by an electronics company named Sabre.   They stepped in at the 11th hour
Oh!   Wow. Awesome.   For accounting
Cool. What next?
Okay
Hey
And distributed things which should not have been distributed.
And -  Jim seals box with tape
Alright
Thank you. Oh! Got it. Ok.
Alright
Why do I have to explain everything?
Okay.
Gabe seems tall. Hope we get along. Had a very good thing going with David Wallace. He was a good guy. He was somebody I could trust. Here he is.   You can really see that he is ok taking a picture with me. Even though I was there for disciplinary reasons.
You know what
Hello
In training.
Were very excited too
We have a little song prepared for you.
Sabre. Say-ber. Sabre.
Yes
Saber.
Wow. Really terrific.
Perfect.
No. Dont like that.
Mm
Well still get to use the little cups
I dont know what theyre made of.
You know what cant fit in a bottle
There is a small part of me that is actually very excited about this new company. But 70 percent of me is water
Really? You dont have enough water in there? Your stomach?
What?
I miss the old Dunder Mifflin. Too much change is not a good thing. Ask the climate.
I dont want to appear ungrateful for everything Sabres doing for us.
Well
All of them.
So maybe we should call. We should call someone. I could help. Im good with bosses. Call one of the higher-ups?
Hello. No. My names Michael Scott. Hello.
Nice to meet you. We are very excited about the merger with Sabre. I think you have a great accent.
Well
Ok. I feel very strongly that you cant just come in here and change everything that people have been doing forever. Is Christian Slater back there? Because... he knows. Hed know what to do.
I have already told him
I have come here today to talk to Mr. David Wallace about this whole thing going on with Sabre.   He will know exactly what to do. He is not a big fan of me dropping by announced. But then again
I hope youre not busy doing something.
You sure?
You look great too.
Oh
Hey. Wow.
Really loud.
Wow. Oh
Can I just stay here and never go back?
Oh
Yeah.
Hi. Sorry
I dont know.
Sabre is changing everything.   Site blockers. They dont let us use cups. So I started thinking
Exactly. What are you thinking?
It is a tough one.
Yeah. But one would be good.
Okay.
Okay.
So the kids making the noise to pick it up.
Oh
No
Yep.
The what?
Oh
Like it.
There are very few things that would make me not want to team up with David Wallace. And Suck It is one of em.
See you later.
Bye now.
Thanks for having me.
Well
Hello.   Is anybody home? Oh
You know when people say getting fired was the best thing that ever happened to them? I feel sorry for those people. Thats the best thing? Really? Ugh.
Well
But I feel pretty good right now. I really do. A lot better than I did earlier. Let me tell you.
No. This is my toast. I think this whole thing with Sabre is going to work out. I have a very good feeling about it.
Heres my toast. Orange juice is in here. And
Heres the toast. Im gonna do it now. Raise your container to us and to Sabre.
Mm. Wow. That is metallicy. Ugh. Thats like drinking a battery. Ah
Hello Vancouver
Okey doke.
What?
No.
No.   Were trying to look it up right now.
Um
Well
Oh.
Thats it!
Alright
Okay
Today
Jo Bennett enters with two humongous dogs
Pleasure to meet you
Jo
Whoa
And sometimes I can hardly handle that!
Forget the question...
I humbly accept the management position.
Because
Yes.
No
I could manage my way around that.
I will try to manage my excitement!
I have been saying the word manager a lot
Sure. You here to tell me that you think I would be a better manager and that you are sorry for being such a jerk?
What?
What? Really?
Wow!
La la la
What are you reading?
Oh
Why
...Where did you get that information.
Manuel who?
Well
Son of a bitch.   Pardon me.
Okay.
Really? Aw
Yeah. You can take the man out of the salesman
No
Im turning myself in right now!
Thank you.
Great! Thats great. Congratulations. Have fun signing my commission checks
How is that possible?
No excuses Erin
Oh
It will be a pleasure doing business with you. Thanks
Why not? Its part of the sales experience.
Well
What is that smell? Do you smell that? What is that? Like a sulfur deposit under here?
No
You know what
No
Are you kidding me?
And you guys are okay with this?
Oh my God.
Hey.
You know
Yeah. Except theres no grass out there. Its just a farty dirt patch.
I really need my job back. We made a terrible mistake here.
We make a poster that says Happy Opposite Day! and she sees it on the way out... Nah
Lethal Weapon?
What? What Im saying...
And weirdly Im a good dog person
Alright!
Oh
Erin
Oh
Actually
Happy to do it. Also
Well
Oh
Shut up
No
Distractions are good! That means conference room
Um
The purpose for this meeting is to take Pams mind off of whats going on inside of her body.
I will allow that.
Okay.
Does anybody have anything? Anything interesting
Yes
Nope
That sounds good! Do you need some music
Where are we? We have every six minutes
Yeah
Jim
Okay
Okay
Okay
Ooh
I think he is.
Pam
4:35. Alright
We can do...
Oh. What? You want to eat cat food with Kevin and not go to the hospital?
What is October feast?
Okay
Thats right
Lets go
Are you kidding?
You can do this. You can do this.
Im scared
Yeah.
Were going to have a baby.
Lets do that.
Two minutes apart.
Its okay.
I know
Were okay
Youre not going to. You know where youre going?
Yes
Yes! Were going to the hospital and were going to have a baby.
I got it! I got it! Everybody its go time! At your stations. Stanley
No
Yes.
Go bag! Wheres my go bag? Wheres my go bag?
You are telling me now that there is nothing in it. Okay
No
Thank you! Wish me luck!
Here we go! Here we go! On our way!
Come on
No
Dwight
Alright.
Geesh
What!?
Where?
By the bushes?
Okay
Okay
Yeah?
Im texting about you
Guys
Hello
Okay.
Okay.
Do you have everything
Okay
Dunder-Mifflin. Its okay.   I just did.
Where is my little nibblet? Halpert
Okay
That kids going to have a lot of hair.
I think its going to be any minute now.
Phyllis
Oh
Guys? Hello? Um
Youre starting
Yeah
Okay. You cant smoke anywhere these days.
Guys
Eleven pounds...
Thank you! Thank you!
Wheres the baby? I want to see the baby. Oh! Oh
Hello. Oh
Love you
Ooh
Alright.
Oh
Mm-hmm. Oh. Ooh
There she sat. Her name was Pam. She was a receptionist. She was engaged to an animal. There sat Jim. He was a gawky
Who else here is single?
I am offering up my services to you all. You saw what I did with Pam and Jim. I can help you
Okay
Ha ha
Andrew
Well
What would you say
I would like you to meet your new boyfriend.
Okay
Good!
Sure. Kevin
Bye.
Okay. This is going to kill Kevin.
Im not so sure. Kevin has an enormous heart. Literally
No
Just dont let him sit on you... Im kidding. Youll have fun. Itll be good. Itll be good. There he is. Go to him.
Kevin. Erin would like a few words with you.
Oh
Okay
No.
Lynn was as hot as Erin.
This isnt about me
Kev... Nice. Going.
There is no greater feeling than when two people who are perfect for each other overcome all obstacles
Hello hello. Top of the morning to you! Ooh ooh! Green M&Ms! Natures Viagra!   Two of my favorite joke areas combined. Itll be a good day.
It is St. Patricks Day
Morning
It is. This is a little something for you to remember your time here in Scranton by.
Yes it is!
No
Mm
When you work for Sabre
That is a great idea JB.
Oscar
Daryl. Mellow
Okay.
Look at that picture that you drew. Nice job! Were very proud of you. You know what
Oh no! Say its not so
Well
How about July 4th weekend?
I did!
You know what
All right
Lets follow the chain of events. Jo likes Michael. Jo invites Michael to house. Jo doesnt like Michael anymore. Hmmm.
Hello. I want you to stop what youre doing right now. You are stressed
No is not an option.
All right. Well if you need me
Ill be over there.
Very nice.
A real Hoop Dreams story you got there. Oh man
Hm mm. Seriously
How do I put this delicately? Does her family owe your family something
Okay. All right.
Hey there. So I think Im done. Gonna head out. Unless you want to chat. Like we were doing earlier.
Mm? Well
Right. What?
Mm. mm. Oh well.
No
Hey Pack-man.
How you doing stud? You already there?
Hows the lady situation?
Ah damn. That sounds great. Unfortunately I am stuck here
Yeah. Maybe next year.
How late do we have to work tonight?
Why does she do that? Why doesnt she just tell you what your schedule is?
Do I really want to turn out like Gabe? Twenty-six. Single. Tied to my desk. No life
Hello Jo.
There is
Im thrilled with the work theyve done today
Okay. Happy St. Patricks Day.   And also
Yes.
Excuse me
Drinks are on me!
Oh -hoh! All right.
Did I mess up my career today? My future prospects at Sabre? I dont know. There is a chance. Yes. I tell you I love my job. But Jo wants me to put on a show for her
Okay. Okay
Hey Jim
Look at him. Look at him - t-shirt
I am flattered. Thats Johnny Depp.
In my condo complex.
I am flipping out
Hey
Captain Jack Sparrow. Captain Jack Sparrow
No. Im Captain Jack Sparrow.
Okay
Yeah. Well
I know
I know! It also explains why the name on his mailbox was M Shulman.
First up
Ah
No sales topic per se.
Dwight?
I would like your undivided attention
Over the last few weeks
Yeah.
M-hmm.
Is that all you have to say to me?
Wow
Stop sexting Pam. Im trying to congratulate you.
You writing your memoirs over there?
Well
Okay. Dont gloat. Heres the thing. This kind of money can corrupt people.
Im just saying
Honey and jelly sandwich time.
Oh
You saw who did this and you didnt stop them?
The sales department smashed my sandwich.
You dont get it.
Thats what she said.
Yeah.
Thank you very much.
Ah
Alright. Then I guess I should give them out. Hold on. You know what Im thinking? Im thinking that I have something that you want. You guys are acting like you own this place. And you dont. Not even Sabre owns this place. Its a rental. Im kind of sick of the attitude around here. Im sick of the cocky walk
Then we are just rewarding their bad behaviour. Okay. Just - imagine that instead of going to jail for murdering someone
They act like I have no power.
Hmm. Well
Exactly that.
Exactly that.
Hello. May I have everyones attention
- and to King Meredith!
And to King Angela!   Because today we are all kings. And queens  .
Im giving them the leads
Hey.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Alright.
Oh
I do understand it.
Or is it?
Today I turned an office crisis into a teachable moment.   A lesser manager would have screwed this day up royally  : Now thats Italian! Some yokel sitting behind his desk saying take a lead
Well
Wait. What day is today?
Oh my god. Oh my god   oh my god
Okay. You know what
Why? Because I am not going to call Sabre and say
Well
Really?
Okay
You can.
Okay fine
You know
Yeah. Sometimes the acorn just stays the acorn. If you dont believe me
Youve changed
Since when do you care about money? When I first met you
No
Assistant to the managed him -
Yeah.
You think you would have done better without me? Really?
Wow. Ohhhkay. Man. When I think about all the time I wasted being your friend - I shouldnt have been hanging out watching karate movies with you -
You know what
Thats my wife youre talking about
If I wanted to hit you
No no. You just made an enemy with the wrong guy
Dont even think about that  Dwight begins rolling it towards Michael
Okay
Were never going to find those leads
This   Why would somebody throw that out?
Yeah
Know what would be a great picture here? Just this whole dump
In the dump.
No! Better!
How many is that?
Count the last one.
Oh
Oh
Oh
My respect.   Okay
Gets to go home.   Ooh! I say dance
What do we got? Creed
Oh
Yeah
Good.
Alright
Well
Yes?
Ladies and gentleman
Ok
No
I am in.
Its a deal.
Oh
Its not a birthday
Sucks to be you.
That would be sublime.
Yes.
Hello
What is a nice girl like you hanging out with these bums for?
Oh
No. No
So
Really?
See
Yes. I feel like an idiot. Awesome.
About what?
Shes nice.
Yeah.
Uh
About what?
Well
Guys
Hi
Hey
Im tying a knot in the stem with my tongue.
Wow. Oh
I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk
Hello.
Hi.
Yeah
Hey
Really? You told on me. Thats lame.
Yes. Homelessness. What?
Where?
Okay
She cant talk to us that way.
You let somebody talk to you like that
Well
Hey
I am here with my employees. I am here on a date. Hello.
Well
Yes it is. I am writing a book about it.
Ive written all of it... in my head.
If youre really interested
Read it? I own it. But no
I own a Chrysler.
No
Grenadine.
I manage a paper company-Dunder Mifflin/Sabre.
I did. I actually put it in your bowl.
No
No
He is I.
Oh
Hey
Halperts
I think I did. But I cant take all of the credit. Some of the credit is due
Im going to give Erin $15.
A one-on-one lunch with Erin?
Shes kind of a rube.
Okay. All right. All right. Okay. Ill take her to lunch.
Hi
I wanted to know what your plans for lunch were because I was hoping to ask you to...  lunch.
Ugh.
Well
Okay
looks at Andy who is urging he agree with her
All right.
Would you mind if I listen to my book on tape? Im kind of a bookworm. This is the novelization of the movie Precious based on the book Push by Sapphire.
shakes head
Ahhh.
Right.
An age or month?
Ive been trying. Ive been trying to keep it going. Erin is just weird.
So how are things going with Andy?
Well
Other than the fact that he dated Angela
I dont think he is the best dresser. Reminds me of Easter.
Mm-hmm. You didnt know that? Oh.
Okay.
I dont know. Probably didnt want you to have a mental image of him having s*x with somebody else.
They were engaged
Yeah
Thank you.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Well...
What are you doing? What are you doing?
Okay
Ill have what shes having!
Did you have a... did you like your lunch? Did you have a good lunch? Did you like that? Did you enjoy your food? It was good. I liked my lunch.
You know what
No. No. No.
Stop talking.
Oh God.
Andy
You know what
Erin?
No
Oh. Yep. Im sorry about that. I feel... Im sorry I caused that thing.
Well
You said butt.
Ahh! You said it! You know who you would love? Oh
Oh
Buenos dias
No
I believe that every man
Buenos dias
Ha ha! Buenos dias
La telefona.
Oh. Eso es lo que dice
Damn it.   Ah
Yo soy Cancun.
Can you smell the power of the Halperts? Power couple.
I went with the people I thought would put the best face on the company.
Did somebody order a hooker over here?
Hi. How are you?
Theres this woman I met a few weeks ago. Her name is Donna
Right here
Hi.
Sorry to interrupt. Sorry to interrupt. Do you
Because I keep getting these magazines sent to me via the address of the woman who used to live in my condo before me.
Uh
Okay
I took the liberty to scan a few things earlier
And that would be a display   of the crisp
Its subtle. Thats how it works. I show her an image that turns her on. And then she looks at me
This is a place that I like to go to be alone with my thoughts. Ive never taken anybody there before.
Ryan.
And thats it. Thats me. Thats who I am.
Oh
Hmm.
Jim! Could you come in here for a sec? What was that printer we were looking at?
You didnt see it
Oh really
Look
So maybe we could find a little wiggle room
Maybe wee find some wiggle room?
I think we could.
Okay
Why dont you run them again?
If she is
So corporate approval of this contract is contingent upon buyer and seller...
Operating blahdy blahdy blah. Boilerplate. Pound of fish.   Just kidding. Do you like mints?
I carry mints with me sometimes. You ever tried those?
Theyre good
Sure.
I cant stop myself from kissing her.
Okay
Okay. What do you think?
Andy?
Okay
Pam?
Im going with Pams group.
Here we go.
Okay.
No
What sort of movie would Rudy have been if he had just stopped
We should have your contract done by Thursday.
Okay.
Yeah it was nice to do business with you
I dont know. I think so.
Okay. So... Oh
Thank you so much.
Mmm.
Ahem. So
All right. All right. Bye.
And have a good elevator ride.
Oh
I dont know. I dont know. Cant really trust my feelings anymore.
She suckered you too.
Was it the cleavage?
Yep.
God. She left this here?
Okay. Maybe she wants me to return this to her at her work.
Yeah. This could be a signal. People dont just take barrettes off.
Well...
Yeah
I know. Youre right. Thank you. Thanks everybody.  waves
runs down to parking lot
Oh. Youre still here. I have your baguette.
You know what? Everybody told me that you werent interested. Everybody. And I didnt believe em. And they were right. So... theres your barrette.
Who?
About what?
No
No...
What happened?
Really?! Oh
No
You know what? It doesnt matter. Because I know it happened. And that is all that counts.   I did do it!
Jim. Are you clicking a detonator?
Get back to work
Ooh! Things with Donna are so... oh-ho-ho! Theyre going great. I
Who enjoys the weekends?   Of course. Now the weekend is always great if you have someone
Okay.
Okay
Yeah
Oh!
Thats fun.
All right.
We actually went to the Poconos last Tuesday. We headed up there
Because when your super-hot girlfriend says
You know what
You guys think Donnas cheating on me?
... and... we had s*x
How?
How do I not make any more of it?
All right.   And she wont say
Nine dates. I said it on the second date.
Yeah
No
Run what?
Why didnt you just say that
Well
Yes
Thats what makes it so wrong.
Ever since I found out that Donna might be cheating on me
I want someone to follow Donna. I want her tailed. I need the name of a good private investigator.
This is you. How much do you charge?
Ill give you $50. Moneys no object.
Okay.
Its never too early for ice cream
Its comfort food
I know. Well
Because I have him investigating her. Im waiting for a text update.
Its too late to undo it. I need to know. Otherwise this thing is going to spiral out of amok.
God
I know.
Thats not true.   Youre right
Helene?
Oh.
Oh
All right.
Youre back. What happened?
No
Ugh!
No. No! Are you sure?
Who eats eight protein bars?
Okay. Well
What? No
I am not paying for that membership.
sitting on the floor behind Erins desk
No
Thats her?
Mm-hmm. Right. Right. Right.   Okay
I didnt. Everybody else here did. Everybody convinced me that something was up. They poisoned my mind.
Ye... pfff. Well
If you wanna dump me
Well
...poop my pants.
Oh
We are?
Wow.   Thats exciting.
Hey.
Well it can wait. It can wait.
Jim is her husband.
And they are having problems
Good in bed.
Oh
Okay
Yeah
Who the hell is this? Who is this guy?
God! Lowest of the low. That guy. Just a notch above Toby. You know what?
Im gonna kill him. No
I have to hear it from her.
I need to have her tell me herself. Right?
I need to have her say...
I need to say
No
Okay. Okay. Okay.
You know what? We should really do something fun this week.
Wouldnt that be fun?
How about Thursday?
I cant do Thursday. Book club. How about Friday?
Oh
Oh okay. Well
Nope
Youre cheating. Youre cheating on me.
Pam told me.  looks up at 2nd floor windows and so does Donna  Jim
Who is he?
The other man. Whos the guy? Who is it?
Im the mistress?
Toby has been leaving radon kits everywhere
Pfffffttt.
Youre kidding me? God! You say radon is silent
You know what? Were not gonna die of radon
Right? And if I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler
Okay
I would kill Bin Laden and then Toby.
Okay geniuses
I dont know.
Yes
Toby
Good work.
Morning everyone.
Hello!
Oh
Oh! Oh wow
Okay. Well... thats random. I will dig into those later.
No
Hey.
Oh
That... exists?
Okay
Okay
Since when is this an office where we delve into each others personal lives?
I like Donna. Is it wrong to keep seeing her? Depends on who you ask. I mean
Well
People
I will have you know that I asked Donna about this and she is fine with it. And just to be sure
He is never gonna find out. He is a high school baseball coach. He wakes up early. He goes to bed early. Look at how long it took for him to find out.   It was right under his nose. I had to tell him.
Im sorry
On her diet! Hes a sports guy. Hes scummy. Dogfighting. Drugs. They spit.
Real sports with Bryant Gumble.
You know what? You know what? I am declaring a moment of silence right now. Ten minutes of silence honoring Michael Jackson. just sit there and think about Michael jackson.
Mm
Do you think this husband is a super sweet nice guy? Do you think hes an angel? I dont think so. Why is his wife going off and having a little something-something with me? There has to be a problem with him.
I am Beyonce always.
Yes
I would love that.
I have work to do.
Lets go.   I cant wait to see this jerk who is making me cheat on his wife. I should punch him in the nose for what hes making me do to her.
All right
Shh! Try not to draw attention
Right there. The coach!
Right there. Look
All right. Can you just-- can you just act normal for a second
You have no idea what youre talking about.
You dont. No
You dont know. You dont-- you dont know anything. Look at him. Look at him over there. High-fiving? He didnt even do anything. Kid did all the work. I bet he does that at home. I bet its like
Okay
I know
Shh! Okay
Okay.
No. God. You go talk to him.
No
Im good. Oh
Sorry. I got some stomach cramps.
Well
Okay
Dont thank me. Thank Dylans mom. Here you go! Oh! Ooh Hoo Hoo Hoo hoo!
You love it. There ya go.
Uh
Well
I did.
No. We just talked. Hes very nice.
It did not.
Isnt it?
Im awful
Im an awful guy! Ooh!
I am what I am
I dont care. I have an appetite for life!   Mmm. Mmm! Oh
Youll learn
Yeah
Nope.
I have got big balls.
Okay.   Phyllis. Okay. Look at me.   Phyllis
Because a motel is dirty and it is sexy. Like me. And like Donna. And frankly
Okay
Nobody better try to stop me. Good.
How do I feel about breaking up with Donna? Good. Moral. I feel proud.   Like a grownup.  That was not easy because I really liked her a lot. And Im a little bit emotional right now because I know that I absolutely made the right decision.   At the end of the day
Yes?
Umm... I have done some very bad things
Oh. Okay. I was talking about... what do-- what? Whats going on?
There is nothing wrong
OH! Pack Man
Apparently
Everybody
Oh
Yes.
Yes. Come on! Get it up! Thats what... lets do it!
Please.
Really? A baby otter? Okay
Jo! We were not expecting you!
Jo
Absolutely. Anyone who talked to the press
There is no reason for anyone here to sign this
Yes
Okay.
We should give him a one-way ticket to Montego Bay
Yes. You put them in jail for a long time
I want these people to really pay
Okay.
Ridiculous
Is there something that you would like to say to me?
About talking to the press?
Mmhmm.
I dont believe you.
Thats a little much. All right
Okay
Did you tell anyone outside of this office that the printers were catching on fire?
Oh
Oh my god. Was she cute?
Oh
I basically swore up and down that none of my employees did it
You leaked it?
I dont know what the best plan is
Oh.
Two whistleblowers... two! I always thought Darryl and Pam might get me fired for something I said.
So see you in Merediths van in five minutes.
No
What do we got?
Its okay
Hey
Okay
No. Okay
Just dont say no.
Thats just what we need
Okay. You can count on me.
Hey Jo.
I was thinking about our little leak problem. I was up all lunch thinking about what we should do to this individual. You know what I think we should do? We make em come to work
What?
It doesnt matter what I know.
Why?
Well
What?
Are you going to kill me?
Are we going some place far away? I know you said no questions
I have rights.
I am not going to tell you anything.
Well
Whole year
And my new favorite restaurant sucks... I bought a video camera last year
Holly Flax from the Nashua branch. Best HR rep that Dunder Mifflin has ever seen. Its not been a blockbuster year for me financially. My Blockbuster stock is down.
Hmm
You know
I
We at Sabre have betrayed the trust that we have built with our customers. We regret our slow response and our lapse in candor and judgment. At this time
That was fun.
Thanks. Today helped.
Okay. Hey

I suppose summer had to end sometime. Its sad
Hes not the worst
Its just coffee
Okay
To get some ice cream for everybody. Its national ice cream afternoon. Great.
And another thing I did this summer
Having Luke here is a pretty big deal for me
Dont bother Luke.
That means dont. Havent you seen Ghostbusters
No
Come on. Okay
Because I dont want it getting back to Sabre that were yelling at assistants. I think it would reflect poorly on us.
Nope
Well
No. No
Luke is my nephew.
Yes
Do you think they should have had open auditions for the band Hanson? What if no one named Hanson showed up? That wouldnt even make sense. Or what if they just hired the littlest kid and a 50-year-old guy who was a murderer? Really safe.
God
Thank you.
No! No. Im just saying
Well
Because I wanted you to come to me and say
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Ok
All right
Ok
Im reconsidering sending them back anyway.
Wait a minute.
Dont-all right. Well
No
Because Gabe tattled. I was perfectly happy to just hide it from you.
You dont have all the facts.
I love him.
No. No. Hes my nephew.
Well
I will cover his ass like moss on a Mississippi tree stump.
Luke and I have been working side-by-side as master and commander. Me as master
Luke is going to use his laser pointer to point to account setup. You click on that first
Give me the pointer.
No
Okay.
All right. Okay. Good job. Okay
Okay
Ok
Im not kidding.
Give-okay. Alright
bending Luke over desk
Thats what youre going to do
I had to do that.
All right. Are we good?   Youre okay. Hes okay. There are many different schools of thought on capital punishment.
Yes
Would have been nice to work with my family. It would have been nice if Luke had been able to stay here. But he couldnt. These things seldom work out. I dont know how Ringling Brothers do it. Night after night
Thats it? Really? Thats nothing. All right. Thats highway robbery.
I can do that.
Okay. Wait
Is there another option?
This is the worst! You are the worst! I hate looking at your face! I wanna smash it!
Ok
I know what you want to ask me. Did your mom ever see you naked?
So you can molest me? Oh
One hour.
One hour. Weve done one hour. Lets just speed this up
No
You know
Yes
Toby
Well
And I was raised by wolves. I was 25 years old before I saw my first human being. Wait
Yes
This is plenty complicated.
Ive played it once or twice with Jeff.
Jeff was my mothers boyfriend
Yeah
Yeah. You know what? He took me to a baseball game once
I was afraid I would find him in the park
I guess thats why I thought he ran away in the first place. To find a kid he liked better.
Right. Why would a dog do that? Thats silly.
When I hear myself say it
Well
You. Bitch. God! Youre very helpful arent you? You try to help everybody. Do you want to play another game?
You are good. But you know what? You cant help people. You couldnt help your marriage. You lose. I dont need your help. Nobody needs your help. Nobody wants it! You cant help anybody. I dont need your help! Am I going to make you cry?
Ok.
Youll do. . . ok. Filled out. Good. Thank you doctor. Take two of these   and call me in the morning.
You forged them! You forged the forms!
Yes.
Yes
You dont make a mistake on purpose
That was amazing! That was awesome! I auditioned for this. When did the cast list go up?
Really? They didnt call me. Who am I playing? ...Andy?
Andy
How long is it?
Nope
They say that no one can take your pride
I cant Andy
Wow.
I wish I could
And scene.
Oh
I did
Yes.
Nope.
This is ridiculous. Youd think theyd discourage people from bringing in balloons.
No
Are you kidding me?
All right
Hello.
Okay.
Okay.
Yes.
Good.
You enjoy the second act.
Thank you. You
How is that funny?
Boo! Boo!
Mmm! Fruit is so much better when its dried. Ive already eaten
Yeah
Hmm? No
Get your eyes checked
Well
That would never happen.
Okay. I appreciate the feedback.
I dont like that at all.
Hey
Yeah
Oscar. Enough with the sass
I am not just saying that. You can trust that I am telling you the truth. I booed someone tonight. I have no filter. And if I thought you were terrible
I did not say that to make you feel good. I just said it. Total integrity.
Come on
In the criminal justice system
No
There are many reasons a man would wear a fake mustache to work.   He is a fan of the outrageous. He loves to surprise! He loves... other things as well.
Look
You mean cancer?
It is?
Just a cold sore
How?
What?
Yeah! My last physical when I was forty.
No! It was like four years ago!
Why at least? If youre guessing forty six just say forty six.  later in his office
How did this happen
You know what
Dont even! Holly was clean! Okay? If anything I gave it to her.
Oh my God! What if I did?
Okay! You know what? Might! Might be crawling with herpes. I might have gotten it after her.
Theres no way Im gonna do that.

Hi Donna. Its Michael.
I have a disease
I cant even say it. H-I...
...R-P-E-E-S
No
Does your stupid husband have it?
Yes I am telling you you have to get tested for herpes. Good-bye!
No this is Holly.
No this is Holly.
Busted. So what can I do for you Holly.
Oh really? Was anyone killed?
Any nuns?
Were they in the missionary position?
Do you ever wonder what life would have been like if you hadnt been transferred?
We would have twins.  Dwight points towards the corner of his lip
Mmhmm!
Mhhmm! We would be married.
Do what?
I dont romanticize th-   No...
He had no arms or legs
We were more than we were.
Ok
It didnt come up organically.
Its nice to see you doing so well.
Bringing home the bacon.
after long wait
He hasnt changed.
Am I the kind of person to misremember our relationship as more than it ever was?
What?
Well
Because we work together.
Am I the princess?
Ok
I have herpes.
I used to think that she was the one. Or at least A the one. And if I called that one so wrong...
You know
No
Yes
I know
Got it.
IM TRYING! GOD!
Hi stranger! Long time!
Im Michael. We dated for a while.
Oh hey! Dwight
Did I make more of what we had then what was really there?
Just a quirky indie movie weird sort of thing
Jerk.
Real entertainers
Carroll
Im great! I saw your-your sign outside. And I decided
No.
Weird...
He sounds like a nice guy.
Oh wow another living room!
You put the TV here
Someone told me that I romanticize relationships
I have herpes.
I just found out today. Its
Mmhmm
Im between specialists right now.
Well I believe in love at first sight.
I knew what I was thinking at the time
Hi Holly its Michael
Oscar
You may have given me a sexually transmitted disease.
Herpes duplex.
I have already contacted all of my ex-lovers except for you.
Flower shops
Moolit Gandala
An electric car dealership.
Oscar! Think abou- Think!
Look at that.
Nice!
She is a beaut!
Oh
Oh
Yes
I did
Oh
Ow!  grunts
Brainstorming session is now open. Anyone has an idea-  Hold on. Sorry
Oh
Its Jim
You need the big guns
I will see you in ten. Bye! Hold tight.   Well
No
No! Okay.   All right.
Oh
That...hello. Michael Scott
Nice to meet you.
Yeah
All right.
Buh-bye. I could swear that guy was a male model.
Oh
Okay
Its showtime! Oh...never mind. Lets go.
When I knock on your door
You know what? You are having some problems with your loading dock
And you know what else were gonna do? I cant believe Im gonna say this...we are going to offer you our paper at cost. I know. I could get in a lotta trouble for this
Shake it
Okay. Thank you.
Thanks
Stop it. Just stop it. We did what we should have done
How do I feel about losing the sale? Its like if Michael Phelps came out of retirement
You know who we always lose out to? Staples
Okay. You know what? You clearly dont care
Why dont you go outside and...take a shot of insulin and have a nap
I dont know
Oh
You know what this is? This is a stinger.
Like the movie.
Paul Newman
Shhh! Hey! Thats my mug.
Yes.
Oh
Testify.
Yeah
Okay.
Pull it together
Oh...my god! Hes making her sell to him.
Stay-
Oh!
Dont let us down.
No
Im goin in!
Stop
I said stop. Okay
Dont! Get away from him. Please
I owe you...a most sincere and humble apology. We were trying to watch you to see your sales technique
A surveillance room next to this one.
Yes. And its the sincerest form of flattery.
Well-
Okay. You know what
No
You are
So
Hold it
Answer the question. Do you want a better life
I know
Do you want more freedom
I can give you more money-theres your better life. I can let you come and go as you please-theres your freedom. And you already know Dunder-Mifflin has the best service and the best prices
Everyone
O-kay. You know what? No. No. This is not some sort of construction site...or all of Italy
No. No. No. Somebody in this office.
No
Yes.
No
I said no.
Were not-
Okay. Lets-all right
Guys
Okay. Well...get ready
No
He doesnt need to sit
Good-bye!
This morning
standing outside the conference room
A lot of people are really getting into Halloween this year!  puts head down over fake bomb made from cardboard
MACGRUBER!
Oh
OH! Who likes to water ski on Lake Erie? No wai-where does Dracula like to water ski?
So
Blackula!
Oh
Yeah. Im sorry. I blew this. You should have gotten credit for that
Really? Were good?
Okay.   Okay.
Oh. Its a ream of paper. Thought you might hit me.
Darryl Philbin is the greatest guy in the world. And you know what Id like? I would like to have all the racists brought together and take Darryl Philbin out to lunch. Just to see what theyre missing.
Erin! Would you please do me a solid and get Darryl Philbin on the speakerphone?
Hi
You need to stop being so shy
Yeah
This whole delivery slash sales idea? You know whose idea that was? That was Darryl Philbins. He thought of that way before the corporate fat suits.
I got in the way. I said no. And it just stopped. But then corporate comes up with this idea
And we are going to straighten this out.
Mmhm!
Im a little peeved at Darryl right now.
No
What is taking someone from behind?
It was a good idea
What the hell are they talking about?
Do you think that Kevin is going over my head? I dont-  Oh my GOD. Okay. All right. All right. You know what? Thats inappropriate
Oh
What did you just thought?
All right.
Okay.
Well
I-
Okay
You went over my head. And then you lied to my face. So my head and my face have taken a beating.
Okay
In front of me.
So thats it.
Is it?
Yeah
Still dont know who I am? Ill give you a hint. I go over other peoples heads.
Whats a bad idea?
NEVER!   Okay
Hey
Aaah! Darryl moved it. You moved it.
Dwight
If you had one word you would use to describe Darryl what would that word be?
Thank you.
If theyre good ideas
That was-okay
Oh...
Well...
Stop it! Stop
You dont have to point to the fact that were thinking about it. Stop it! Just let us think. Okay
I am not budging on the hat issue.
Okay. We both reserve the right to go to Jo if we disagree with Gabe.
Unless you and I decide we want to talk to Jo
Sorry I was a jerk.
Friends fight. Friends fight.
Thats true
Um... kay. Uh
Top of the Sunday morning to you.
Oh
I invited everyone in the office because its not a day for just Jim or Pam or the baby or me. It is about us all. And I thought we should all celebrate... my joy. And our
Hey. Hey. I got an offer that you cant refuse. Scooch over.
But Im the Godfather.
Are you talking to me?
Scooch. Before I shoot you in the head.
Yeah.
Im not the godfather.
So who is the godfather?
Okay. Old friend
No
I dont even know how to say this
Good morning.
Jim and Pam and Cece really seem to be clicking. They are totally gelling. Its as if they leave my office and they go to another office that sells happiness. And good for them. Thats great
Good morning.
Good morning.
How are you? Good morning. Good morning.
I am feeling this. Call it the Holy Spirit or the passion of the Christ. I am loving these people.
Oh
No
Thank you. You too.
You know what
Shh.
No.
Hey
Are you kidding me? Stop it.
Shh.
Look at that. Look at that. Thats fun. We need to do stuff together outside of work. Lets go help Africa. Lets go build an airport. Well start small. Well have a car wash. Well send some cheerleaders to regionals.
Yeah
Look at these people. These are church-going people. And they know how to party.
Well
No. Okay
Bye. Good luck. Good luck to you. Bye. Do good. Do good. Bye. Have fun. Were proud of you.   Bye. Okay.
Hey. Hey. Is this the bus to Mexico?
Ill take a shirt.
If youll have me
Really?  cheers
No
It is not irresponsible! I have never been more confident about a decision in my life.
You know what
Hey
Tell them that I died
Tell them that Im in a meeting.
No
Thank you.
See you in a few months.
Mm. Thats not gonna happen.
Well
How long till we get to Mexico?
Ooh. What are we building down there again? Like
Why arent they building it themselves?
Do we know how? I dont know how. You know how?
Carla knows. Oh
What is happening? Oh
Oh
And Cinco de Mayo.
No
Can you fake a seizure or a heart attack or something?
Do that. Do it.
Okay
Yeah
Stop the bus
I didnt sign up for this. You guys are young
Blah-di-blah!
We could go back and forth all day. Its not gonna solve anything.
Do you want that for little Jessica? No
Okay
Why quick?
Is anyone still at the church?
What? Shut up.
It is so nice to be back in a country that has movies.
They have him surrounded. Its the SWAT. The SWATs arriving.
Ok
There it is! I saw it! I saw it! He went right by! You missed it!
Grandpa
Walk with me.
Glee? What is Glee
Dwight! Sign please. I dont have time for parties I dont have time for TV shows. Stanley! What time is that thing I have to do?
Cancel it! Are you still here?
MMM MMM MM MM MM! Did you hear what I said? Im a very busy man. I dont have time for your TV show.
Im joking.
Im joking. Im kidding around! Im not actually angry.   Im not busy at all
You know who my favorite character is? The invalid.   I am coming to your party.
Kevin!
Yes
What? No Gabe is... Gabe is not the boss.
Why did you just say he was the boss?
Yeeee... Guys! Do you consider Gabe to be the boss?
Uh huh...
Big...
All right!
Okay okay okay.
Gabe likes to entertain a lot

Try and destroy the old ways
Wheres Michael? Wheres Michael? We cant start without Michael! Oh here he is! Ohhhh. Yayyy
Actually I think its not loud enough. May I? Thank you sah!  takes remote
Well some of us are trying to have a...
Well I will turn up the volume.
Okay... Heeeeres what were gonna do! Right down the hall is a bed room. All the real Glee fans are gonna go down the hall to the real Glee party in the bedroom
Pam I have a loaded gun in my desk at work. If I ever start acting like that weenie Gabe I want you to take that gun
Better men than Gabe have tried to be my boss. David got fired. Charles got fired. Jan went crazy. Ed Truck
Yeah
Is this the same dough you used for the pizza crust?
So these are pizza dogs
Well...
Hes the longest baby in this room.
You know what Erin you do have to.
Thats what she said.
Okay... Alright.
I just went out for a walk.
What? Really? That stinks!
What does that mean? Partys over? Everybody leaves? Are you sure?
Are you kidding me?
Now thats going on?
Boy I wish I could see that. You know what? I have an idea. I dont know if its gonna work
No I was just check- Yeah. Yes I did
What is there to like? Hes just
Why? Im not your father.   All right.
Go to your room.
Go to your room young lady!
You listen to me. You listen good. You are are not
As long as you are living under this roof you are going to do what I say.
Oh do not raise your voice to me!
Gahh
enters
Gabe
My Bad. Space Heater and Fan were both on high
Uh... try password.
Uh... it was like eight years ago?
Okay
You know what? It made me laugh when I heard it
The important thing is... this kept us secure people.
Morning.
Im Facebook.
I sent you a Facebook message yesterday
A what?
Dot com!
I think an investors ski trip is the best idea. It will be a bonding experience.
I was looking at a trail map
Your kidding?!
You and me.
Dont you work here full-time?
Mm-Hmm.
That does sound fun to me.
Excuse me
MONEY!
Pervert.
Thats good to know.
Wuphf! All right
Whoo!
We already have a buyer.
At least.
Thats right!
Wait
No
Look at that. Triple your investment by January.
There you go.
Do not talk like that
Here we go.
Its Ryan the WUPHF guy!
Hes up there.
Look at that! He threw em on the ground!
No
I wont sell. And you know what? Ryan and I have the majority of shares. Isnt that right?
I--yes. Were not selling. I will not sell.
Cant talk
We Dont? Well
Eight Years.
No
Right
I think you are wrong.
You may be right. I may be crazy.
Im just saying that I think I agree with your point.
I thought it might make me feel better.
But it just may be a lunatic...   No.
Good
Always have your back. So
Nine days
Yes
Maybe I could take a second mortgage on my condo.
So you would think thats a good idea for me to do?
Mm-Hmm.
Yeah
Tonight?
Oh right. What am I saying? Rain Check.
Hello.
I. Do not agree to sell
Im not blind! I know exactly who he is. He is selfish and lazy and image-obsessed
Only if he fails. And you know what? Ryan
You cant have it.
The world sends people your way... Ryan came to me through a temp agency. Andy was transferred here. No idea where Creed came from. The point is you just have to play with the cards that youre dealt.   Jim
Thank God.
Mmhmm
It was great. China.
Everything here was made in China
They used to make stuff in America
Yeah
I found that in the waiting room at the dentists office. This kid had the magazine I wanted to read
My whole life I believed that America was number one
What?
So much for keeping our secrets up high.
I know what were going to do. Were going to put our best minds on it.
Everybody stop working. I want you all to imagine a world in which America is not the number one superpower
Welcome to your future.
How do we stop it? With a big idea. Thats what America is built on
Yes
Once a week antacid is the idea to beat. Anyone else? Nobody? Okay then we are... yes.
I dont know.
Alright.
I dont know what the   that was.
No hes not right. Were not. Where would we even drop it
No
In terms of land
No
I got it from NewYorkTimes.com
So I happen to know more than the smartest guy in the office. So what?   I dont care.
Okay
Absolutely
Very comedically humorous Jim.
Try Control P.
Not if the printer isnt hooked up. You are making some very dangerous assumptions Oscar.
Hey.
Mmm.
Yeah.
Sure.
Coffee Jim.
Yes.
Alright
Im pretty good on politics. California is bankrupt
Pass.
Pass.
Lifeline.
I could talk about boobs. I bet he knows nothing about boobs.
Wait
Is it going to be worth it?
I dont need to cheat.
Did you know
Did you also know that China has secretly been expanding its nuclear arsenal. But what do I know
China has been loaning us billions upon billions of dollars. We are going to be owing them for the rest of our lives. And they will control us.
How then do you explain that in the past year manufacturing in China has risen by 17% and in the US it has only risen by 8%?
Dont... I...
Yeah
Wait. You forgetting something?
This chat. Two men
Here we are.
My point is... that as long as people like you and me dont stop talking
I am talking about freedom
Raise your cups on high. Case closed.
People
Thats it! Thats a picture! Yes! Jump in the air. Were gonna jump in the air. Here we go.
Okay
Dont answer that. People
I believe in us. We can do this. Here we go.
We didnt get it.
Oh
Hows everybody doing today?
Hows the party coming along?
Are we over budget?
No? Good. Did anyone get drunk already?
Good for you. Angela
So Stanley
Alright. Well
Whatcha got?
Well
My kids are growin up. As a boss
Yeah!
Pam? Pam?
Hi.
Uh
Yes
You know what you
That was the worst joke ever.
Okay. Okay goodbye
What? What?
Hold on
That is a great question
Hollys coming back
You know what
Cancel. Were canceling it.
No
No
I know.
Its not. Theyre not. Fresh and new. Please let go. Please let go.
Well then everybodyll chip in
You know what
Man
We have always had good Christmas parties here
Well
Okay. Sure.
You never know about the press.
Could he help us with some parking tickets?
Well
Okay.
Okay...   Oh
Pam
Yes
Theres nothing classier than boring Jazz music. I am here to tell ya. And I made a bit of a judgment call. I hired one musician
When Holly gets here
She doesnt need an internet presence
What the hell are you doing here? Youre supposed to be in the courthouse.
And then he will come back here and replace Holly
There she is. Hey. Erin
Hello.
Well
Why
Nyuk
Doh!
Hi. Hi. Oh...
Oh no
Thats adorable.
Well
Isnt it wonderful? We love it here. Dont you love it? All right
What kind of guns do you have? Six-shooter?
This is weird. I cant believe youre here. This feels like you never left. Doesnt it?
Oh...
Oh
Well
You know who my favorite character in Toy Story is? Andys mom.
Because without Andys mom
Youre kidding me. Ahh!
What a douche bag!
Get a... yeah! Good riddance.
Mmhmm.
Good for him.
Really? Thats creepy. How did AJ get in your house?
Oh
Yeah
Me too.
Hey.
Hey there
Its a sophisticated take.
Yeah
Nora Ephron
I guess there are just some people who you stay together with when you transfer
What if Meredith was taking her smoking break below that window? You know what would have happened? The shards of glass would have shaved her face right off. And
All this arguing reminds me of a very funny story. You see this on my desk?   Know who gave me this? My girlfriend Tara
I havent told you about her.
Im a man in my mid-40s and I still get zits. I think thats pretty interesting. But you know what? I am not on trial here. The Scranton strangler is. So
I do. She is.
Did you see her face? Well it seems to me that there is a person sitting out there in the annex that still has feelings for Michael G. Scott. And it aint Tara.
What happened? What happened? Toby
Oh
It is Christmas.
Mmhmm. Mmhmm. Well
Ahhhhhh!   Surprise! It was part of the party. Pretty funny
I dont. But someday I think we will laugh about this... when we tell our kids...
All right. Shh. Okay
Oh
When you got transferred
And we did this whole stupid party for you.
Mmm. Erin
Hey
Nice to see you again
Good trip down?
Good
I am dead inside.
Oh
Yup. I read this story about a woman who slipped on some black ice
Yeah
No
Really?
No.
Yeah. I mean
I was in the mall
No
From the mall. That...
Well
Hey.
Oh.
Thank you. A Hostess apple pie! This is my favorite breakfast. How did you know that? Thank you very much.
Oh
I think I know where he is.
Mmhmm.
Video games.
A DSi?
A horse.
You
All right. You have to pick up after them.
January three
Today will either be the best or the worst day of my life. Holly gave AJ an ultimatum. He either proposes by New Years or they break up. Now
Michael
Okay
Happy.
Sad. To soak up my tears.
Bears sad
Sad
For you
Both sad.
I did! I did
Shaaa-shut up. Hello.
So... high five me. Were back. To a happy...   look at those! Mittens. Are those a present?
Theyre so fuzzy and warm! Let me feel those. Let me feel that. Put er there. Give me a good firm... ooh! Thats a good firm handshake. Youre hired! Yes
Yes
Oh my God! Thats it! Thats it!
Happy! Happy
Im trying!
Im trying!
What?
Im not listening to music!
Go! Oh
Me? Okay.
Im good.
Oh my God!
Hello! Oh
That is neat.
E.T. phone Holly. Holly like phone?
Why?
Bummer.
Reeses Pieces.
I still have my old phone. This thing... indestructible.  slams phone on desk
Holly doesnt seem to be engaged
When you broke it off with Roy
But you did still love him.
Do you love him now?
No. Shed just resent me. Or worse! She would think of me as her friend.   Oh
You think shed talk to you?
Thats true. Shes really nice. Shed talk to anybody. Why dont you bring Erin to balance you out?
Or sooner.
Thats not a joke.
Is it?
Next year? Come-I mean
What is wrong with you people? Cant you stick to anything? Erin
Youre just gonna somersault around for the rest of your life and you know whats going to be on your tombstone? Loser.
Just do a cartwheel!
Eat it.
No. No cheese whiz
Eat it. Put it in your mouth
I dont care whether you hate it! You said youd do it!
Eat it!
All right
Let me see if you swallowed it
No! You cant have any candy!
Holly Flax.
Not Michael
Well
Holly
And I wanted to apologize. These resolutions should be about you
It was insensitive and I am sorry.
I really wanted you to follow through on your resolutions. The cartwheel
Youre right. And I hope that we can still be friends.
Okay
Okay.
No.
Yup.
You can toss them.
My resolution? I never want to make Holly cry again. Unless its from laughing too hard. Or making love too beautifully.
Look at where youre going to be doing the cartwheel. So look at where youre going to be placing your hands. So pick a spot.
You ready to do this?
You know what? Im going to stay here as long as it takes.
Its about you. Its about you. Go!
You did?
Okay.
Congratulations. All right. Well
Oh
English?
Oh no no
Im working on an English character. Would you mind gi... Its called Reginald Pooftah.
Michael Scott.

I do Ping. Herrow. I Ping!
No
Thats good. Pleasure to meet you.
Dunder Mifflin.
No
All right. See you around.
Bye-bye. What a nice guy.
Hello
Nein! Im greek! My name is Mikanos.
Okay.
I am the plant. Every great seminar has one. My job is to make the speaker look good
You know what might be kind of fun? I was thinking
Okay.
Holly broke up with A.J last week
If-a you change-a you mind
Ugh. Youre the fifth person to tell me that today.
Okay
Practice Olympics.
I like the musical Grease
Hello.
She will have a greekaccino.
It...
I cant believe-ee. Its a miracle. She can talk!
No more brain damage!
Dah
No
Andy
You
No
Almost as good as the first day when we first met. You are the love of my life. Come to me
What? Come on. Its time for grapes.   Real fun day.
Just a minute. How long do we have to wait?
You broke up with AJ weeks ago.
I dont understand. I really dont. I mean
Sure we do.
Why does the sun rise in the morning? Why do magnets stick together? Because everybody says so. Everybody.
Yeah
Yes I do.
Yes I do.
I have my own opinion and my opinion is to disagree with you.
Lets go.
Lets go!
Just drive faster. I want to get back.
Okay
No Im not. Im not in a bad mood. Im not
I need to pee.
Yeah
What part of I need to pee do you not understand? Im upset. My bladder is full. There is no telling what I might do right now all over the inside of your precious little car.
Well I hope I make it.
I know
There is no way he ditched me. There is no way that happened. Hes my... Ok. May I please just use your phone? Please!
Ok. I will make it quick. I will make it very quick.   And you dont have my numbers on speed dial. Ah
You know what
Actually this is good. I am going to take this opportunity to go walk-about. Good. Good.   Nope
Hey you guys. Listen to me. Dont get hung up on just one girl because there are a whole lot of other girls out there. Look over there. See? They look cute.   Hello! You guys are so beautiful. Youre so colorful. I wish I could understand you. Thats a metaphor I guess.   You are disgusting. Youll never find love. Yekkk.   Do you think she needs more time or is it never going to happen?   Im being serious. Seriously.
Hello. I would like a hot dog please. Now
Well I understand that but this is a $45 watch.
With that I can buy... half the menu.
All right. What do you do with the hog dogs that you dont sell?
Well
Okay. Youve just lost my business.
Oh
Okay. Ill be right back.  . Okay. You know what? Im sorry. Im sorry. I dont have my wallet and I was gonna try to dine and dash and that was stupid and I realize I cant do that to you fine people.
Well I can
Well the number three is not such a giant feast.
I am not. I just have had a bad day. And I... okay. Ill be back later with the money. Im just gonna leave right now.
Well
Hi.   How did you know I was up here?
I got turned around. I thought I could see Dunder Mifflin.
Yeah.   Wow. I just miss you so much.
Really?
Can I kiss you?
Okay.
Miss you. Okay. Ill be in my office if you need me.
Okay
Dont go. I dont want you to go. Oh dont go. Dont go.
Holly and I are dating. Its been a week
Are these numbers correct?
Okay.
Are you... are you sick
Sit. Okay
Oh

Yes. Michael Scott
Perfect. Yes. It is quite apro-propriate. Carry on.
What
Whispering and tickling have their place in business.
I... Okay
Thank you.
All right.
Okay. Fine. No more PDA.
You win. But heres what we are going to do. We are going to designate one of our closets as a hook-up zone.
Anything goes.
Okay
Pro.
What? Problem solved.
No
Ah
Since when is comfort the most important thing? I mean
Oh. Okay. Well
Holly and I are like Romeo and Juliet. And this office is like the dragon that kept them apart.
Hey
I love you.
I love you-love you.
I am really disappointed in the offices policy on PDA at this moment. I love you.
Yeah
Hello
Here
No
No touching. Ah
Oh.
Oh
I dont know what your body feels like cause I cant touch it.
Grab you here.
I will grab you here anyway.
Never.
I did say I would
Yes
Were not supposed to PDA.
I havent thought about you having to go back to Nashua.
Thats what we said last time. Remember? We broke up on the drive. Hows this gonna be any different?
I was in love with you.
chuckles
Its like a time bomb...
...is ticking down. When it goes off
Sexual time bomb.
Boner Bomb starring Jason Statham. Or we go against type with an Eisenberg or a Michael Cera.
No.   Saving the world has never been this hard.
No
Do the monkey face.
I love that. I love that face.
No. The monkey!
Dont do the squirrel. Throw your poop.
Thats good.
Thats good. Hes throwing it.
I know.
Holly. Hey.
Holly
Actually
Youre gonna go back to Nashua eventually
Who?
Okay. Okay.
Ladies and gentlemen
Well
I do.
What are our plans for tonight? Umm...
Leave it at reception.
Clean up on aisle five.  : Midnight titlescreen appears
After three years of writing
Erin... what are you doing?
Thats... Thats. Well
Sweet
Mhmm! Its got action
Its got a lot of me.
Ladies and gentleman
Dwight does not play a robot.
Im up.
Tell him Im retired.
Goldenface
Heads I do it
Im not here to learn how to mop
What am I supposed to do with this?
Michael and Goldenface skate around the rink
No!
Yeah?

Congratulations.
I am sorry that I have to do this...
Im so sorry. Im so sorry.
Not who
Bingo.

Jack Blaise.
By far and away
The jokes on you Goldenface
He said
Why are you telling me this?
Hey Goldenface.
Go puck yourself!
That was not scripted.
More Tylenol.
Itll take a lot more than a bullet to the brain
For the insurance money! I knew it all along!  the President
Where had I gone wrong? All I wanted was to start a family with my beautiful wife. But somewhere along the way
Beer me Billy.
I got problems Billy. Big problems...
Dont ever change Billy. Goldenface is going to blow up the NHL All Star Game tomorrow.
Im too depressed to save the big game Billy.
No Billy
Well my names Michael Scarn and Im here to say
turns off the movie from the remote
Well thats a... pretty good reaction.   Pretty cool
Okay.   No
Hey.
Mmmm
Did you? What did you love about it?
No
Is it
It was eleven years
I talk about a lot of things
Because
I have my book on business
Yeah
I am a huge Woody Allen fan. Although Ive only seen Antz
Who likes Threat Level : Midnight?   Okay then who wants to watch the rest?!
I know
This ones for you Cherokee Jack.
We filmed this during an actual Scranton High School Hockey Game
No
Hey...
No its not.   Its not. But
Cherokee Jack.

skates forward
Some breakfast for me   and some breakfast for you.
Oh yeah
Ill get it! Man I love being retired! Scarn here!
Hello sir.
Ugh...   Im in.
Oh yeah!   Yes he is!
No
Still not seeing the problem here.
It was the best of times
Hi.
Oh
Oh
And it also helps if youve had five shots.
Whoa!
Is Packer here?
Dont know
Yes! The Pack is back! Ladies and gentlemen
You did! You got burned
Special delivery for Dwight K. Schrute.
And I dont have anything for you. But I do wanna talk to you about something. We have been thinking about where Packer should sit... And we cant just sit around and wait for Creed to die.
So you wouldnt mind permanently relocating
Lets look at this.
Dont be a baby! Okay! There it is. Packer was here and so was your mom!  Todd starts humping Dwight and Michael who are still under the desk.
No!
Best day ever. Best day ever!
Question
Please.
Yeah
No. Not me
Whoa! Look
Hes funnier than me.
So Im less funny than not funny at all?
Uhm...
Thats insane!
And you made Hank smile
I dont know
Yeah.
I guess you said something weird about your daughter?
Youve been on the road a long time. And youve been an outdoor cat. And now you have to be an indoor cat
No it isnt.
Yeah
I wont.
Okay
Kevin
Okay
Kevin
Okay
That-That was maybe too much. Packer is a survivor of divorce Stanley. Packer doesnt speak with his child
I was going to say dogs! Okay
What are you doing?
I cannot believe this
Okay
You have to tell him. You have to tell him what you did.
He is my oldest friend
Yes
Well... I dont know if thats a good idea.
No
Sorry?
Sounds great.
That is.   Its gonna be awesome. I think youre really going to enjoy it down there.
Nah
You ahh.
No you ahh.
You ahh.
I uh... I actually dont know why I brought that because Its kind of priceless.
Mhmm
500.
Get lost.
That is how you do it.
You know its really more for a bachelor pad. I just want to get a fair price.
In case... in case of what?
I dont have an in case. Do you have an in case?
Get lost.
Yes
Hi.
Oh
Well
Im asking Holly a question in fire.
Maybe.
Hey you know what? Ive got gas all over my hands and my shoes. Would you light it? Would you do the honors please?
Pam.
I am not in the mood for riddles pam.
No
Why?
I did?
Ok. Thank you all for coming. I would like to talk to you all today about... recycling.
Yes.
I could not have agreed with you more.
Yes. Thank you.
No
I had a great idea until you ruined it.
How about this I throw a corpse dressed like me off of the roof
Its easy enough to get a corpse
Heres the ring.
Yeah. I saved 3 years salary.
Is she not going to like that?
At a gas station?
That mush have been a surprise when... at the gas station you proposed.
Oh yea you didnt say that the weather was bad that sounds perfect. I want this to be an event that everyone talks about always and forever.
I just... its terrifying.
I know but Im still scared I dont know why.
Get this... Kevin thought I was gonna sell my Bowflex for 200 dollars and I told him Dude this was a prop in my movie.
Ok its because we havent sold anything. You know what? We just wait until the end of the day
Oh ok. For how long?
Is he alright?
You ok?
Yeah
Ok.
No
No. I am not going to be proposed to in the break room. That is not going to be our story. Mhm hm. Should have burned this place down when I had the chance.
Hey
Thats great and we still have most of our stuff. Good.
No
Shhhh. Lets go on a little walk. You know what? I wanna show you some stuff.
So this is one of my favorite places in the world.
This is where Toby announced that he was going to Costa Rica. Happiest day of my life. Until the day you came to replace him. Lets go in here.
This is where we first kissed.
And this is where we first made love. Remember what I tried there?
Through these blinds is where I first saw you
In-grown hair.
Right in here... this is where we first co-ran our meeting. Remember
We saved a lot of lives that day. Thats where you first met Michael Klump.
And right over there is where you found out that Meredith was prostituting herself for Outback steak. And I will never forget that you had the cutest look on your face because you couldnt believe it
And over here..
Well
Lets go in here.
This is where our love faces its toughest test. After this
That guys got more than he can handle as it is.
That marriage would be a sham.
Easy no.
That would be hot. I would pay to see that.
Only one that I was kind of worried about.
This is where I fell in love with you. And this is where I ask you to marry me. It started with..   Holly Flax
Thank you. So guys
Yep.
Holly has to go back to Colorado. Im going with her. Im leaving.
Kahlua Sombrero
Actually
Oh
And to middles
Do not tell my fiance Im drinking on a Wednesday.
Im moving out to the burbs... actually
Yep. Dont mess with Colorado.
No
You know
Thats what Ive heard.
Oh yeah? Me too. Summer or winter?
Really? What happened?
Oh... wow. The mountains. Where things are.
Man
No
You are? What bar?
I... do not see you.
Im been here about... gosh
Whatre you wearing?
Are we both at the right place?
I hear your voice.
I see your voice in the phone. Oh
Wow... that is insane!
Here we go! Are you ready?
Alright! Here we go!
This is it. What do you think?
pops up from below camera
Ok
Come on out!
I am well
And we talk for like 20 minutes
I happen to like the hilarious hijinx I get myself into. There he is! Deangelo
Oh yeah... I know... thats what I was just saying... thats what...
This is Jim and Pam
Yes it was.
Are you kidding? Id come anywhere to see a turtle? Whered you find him.
You know me very well
Now Im gonna have to go online and look at turtles or Ill be off all day.
So you decided to have an orgy and not invite me? I call the middle!
I sorta like the old way.
I know
Is that good?
Well
You can do the old way or whatever you think would work.
Shave me.   This is going to be funny! Looks like we are going to be shaving buddies!
And this is Erin and she is going to shave my face. Here we go.  Erin puts too much shaving cream on Michaels face
It really does. This is luxery. Here we go. Ah
Well
Thats-
You know what
Ok
Dont shave my lips.
You know
I still have to look at this stuff
Deangelos great. I love the guy. But Im not sure hes a great fit for the office. And also
Snack time! Its the witching hour! Its the sandwitching hour!
PB and J
I think Kevin wants one. Kevin
What?
Oscar
No one had a problem with the air here until you came around.
No
No
Well
I start with some chit-chat and a maybe a couple of jokes. And you might want to develop a couple of characters. You know what
Ok.   Why did you have to be so damn good?
No
Youll figure it out.
It is six a.m.   and we are about to go house to house to give everyone their Dundie Nomination Certificates. Just like the Oscars!
Every year! This happens
Why do you always say that? Youre gonna love it.
Alright lets go!   This way
Surprise!
You and Pam have both been nominated for Dundie Awards!
Here we go! Have Pam come down.
Congratulations!
We got it.
Yeah thats fine.
Hey Toby! You suck!
Go go go go go go!
arriving at a dumpy looking
Here we go
Yes you did. Thats right! Congratulations Meredith. We should head out.
Go.
Good morning Erin.
You have big plans for tonight?
You are getting so funny!   Very good.
The Dundies are my baby
Anything can happen at the Dundies!   Theyre like the Golden Globes but less mean. And I just want all of us to have a good time!
Black tie optional.
A la
Shh
So as you know
Think of it as part of your training.
Okay
You are doing it.
Guys! I want you to help us work on some banter.
Here we go! So
Okay
Mmmmkay. There needs to be what you call a rat-a-tat. And right now its all rat and no tat. Ryan come on up here. Tap DeAngelo out. Just watch this. Okay.   Ryan how are you today?
There you go! Lovely! Regis and Kelly! Nice! Use that as an inspiration. Just be funny.
No! God!
No
Jim
This is my last Dundies ever
Good. Good. Good!
Now
Too personal. I dont wanna hear about it.   Lets try this. Put these on.   I am going to turn this on
Say it with an accent!
The Dundies!
Im here.   In a good way! Ive been here the whole time.
DeAngelo
No
Listen to me
Youre doing this for all those kids out there
Say it.
You can do it
Now hit me.   One
Alright
Okay! Okay! Sorry about the delay everybody! But we were at the DMV waiting in line.
There are a lot of great salesmen in this office
Well done.
Which moves us to
Year after year
Stanley Hudson is a grump
You know
There you go.
It is difficult to recognize the person who will be replacing you. But he is a good guy
DeAngelo is expressing himself.  manager pulls the microphone cable
Okay
Were done. Were done!
Outside of the restaurant
What?
No
So what youre saying is you kinda like it?   Ive fallen and I cant get up!   That Phyllis bit
That got a big laugh.
to Stanley
Were really close.
Thats true
You know
Man! Maybe you should have won the Kind of a Bitch Award.
What is your problem?!
Okay! That
He is in an all-out sprint.
Here...   Okay! By his own omission
Oh
Oh my God
Yeah
No its not.
Here he comes! Alright! You deserve it!
Well
Yes?
Ahh
Oh
Sick freak! What is wrong with you?
I dont own Dunder Mifflin
Well
...in order to feed the bears.
How do you mean?
Okay
Okay.
Hm?
Well I have interviews.
Yes. Yes
Oh you dont
That sounds good. Thank you.
Sad? No
There they are! Party Planning Committee together again!
Mmm!
You know what
Tomorrow I want everyone to have a good time. No drama. And as for today
What do you like Pam?
What kind of toppings would you like?
Sounds good. Fudge it up!
I bought this for myself. And yesterday
pulls out a list of everyone in the office
When Phyllis was in high school
Ahh.
Sounds great
Stanley
Well
But youre the best salesman
You sold us all on Andy
Youre not gonna lose them.
Just do your best! I have faith in you.
Kevin
You know who that is?
Dont be a caricature Kevin
Good
You will find love.
Dont be. You should never settle for who you are.   Oscar
Okay
It looks like a   It looks like it was made by a two year old monkey on a farm! He just accepted
Was it just me
How would you have wanted to do it? Okay
Mmhmm
Sure!
Whos that? Whos that guy?
I guess this could be the one
My last pay check?
No.
Im not sure
Nah
Yeah.
I cant do this. All the channels are gonna be different there. Im not gonna be able to find my shows. Im not going to start improv at level one
Hi. What is the name of our town?
No
Yes.   Yes my hero!
Ohh
Okay. Ill see you tonight. I love you.
Yes
grimaces and nods
Kelly! Kelly? Kelly.
If I just went away right now
in Ryans office
Yeah.
Youre not prone to seizures?
Um
Okay...
Darryl!
I would like to give you
Mmmhmmm. Its true. Darryl
No problem. Worth a try.
Darryl said I could use the bailer because Im leaving.
Alright guys
Catch you guys-   Catch you guys on the filippity flip.   Flippity flip!   Flippity flip!  makes it in
Kevin?
Ahhhh...
Maybe neither.
Erin
N-
Okay.  both chuckling. Michael leaves Erin
Phyllis. Phyllis
Listen to me. Its two p.m. From now until four
Dwight
So I wanted to give you that.   Its a letter of recommendation.
in the office
You should see the other guy.
Jim where is Pam?
But it is already three oclock!  Michael leaves
in his office talking to Creed
Yeah I was tripling up. Theres not enough time in the day to have a special moment with everybody.
And you
No
standing in front of his office
What is this meeting about?
Okay
Well power through the arthritis Phyllis you can do it!
Umm
Ummm... Hm... No.   No. Theres a special guest that I would like to invite to say one last goodbye. So here he comes
Sure.   Be right out!
Ohh...
Okay...
Maybe.
Why am I so sad? Am I doing the wrong thing?
T-Shirt idea
Oh
Oh shoot! Thats my cab.
Alright.
I know
I am looking forward to lunch. And hearing about what a great boss I am.
Okay...   Phyllis.
No no no
Later guys.
Got almost everybody. So... Hollys my family now.  you see video of Michael getting into the cab
putting his shoes back on
Thats what she said.
I feel like all my kids grew up and then they married each other. Its every parents dream.
Oh
Actually
My job is to speak to clients on the phone about... uh
Whassup! I still love that after seven years.
Nothing.
All right. Take care.
Yes?
Yeah
Sure. Mr. Davis
What are you doing?
Its not on your desk.
Why not?
Well see.   This is why the whole downsizing thing just doesnt bother me.
If I left
How do you know it was me?
OK. Dwight
Do you like going out at the end of the week for a drink?
Thats why were all going out. So we can have an end-of-the-week-drink.
Tonight
Whats going on?
You know what? You should come with us. Because you know were all going out and it could be a good chance for you to see what people are like outside the office. I think it could be fun.
Yeah
Um... Whats in the bag?
No
Do I think Ill be invited to the wedding?
Hey.
How are things?
Oh no
Good. Good.
Thats great
Yeah?
Am I walking out?
Yes
Great. Let me just...
Oh
Yeah
Thats the thing. Its very sturdy paper and on the back it says
Do you really have to do that right now?
Mr. Decker
That is not the expression.
This is my biggest sale of the year. They love me over there for some reason. Im not really sure why but I make one call over there every year
Solitaire?
Six on seven.
So then
Who doesnt love that?
Yeah
You know what? Im actually going to have to call you back. Thank you. Sorry about that.
Yeah
: Uh
Hello? Hello?
What are you watching?
Really?
No way. I think she likes this stuff.
Yeah
Oh
Mr. Decker
Pam is asleep
Hey.
We can go.
Thats fine.
Uh... Not a bad day.
Last night on Trading Spouses
Interesting
Wow. But then who would watch my TV? That is...
Gosh.
That is a great offer. Thank you. I really think I should be concentrating on sales.
Yeah. I just dont think this is the kind of task
Any time Michael asks me to do anything
Right now
It says workspace.
If its the same thing
You are not my superior.
I thought it was a workspace?
You cut more than you had to
Well
OK
OK
Workspace.
Wait. What are you writing? Dont write Ebola or mad cow disease. Right? Cause Im suffering from both.
Oh
I thought you said you were inventing diseases? Thats spontaneous dental hydroplosion.
Thank you.
What are you talking about?
OK
Absolutely not.
No I didnt.
Killer nanorobots?
Sounds tough.
Do you?
Mmm hmm.
Yep.
Good luck.
Jim Halpert.
Who is this?
No
OK
Hey Pam! How are you?
Im doing OK. Getting excited for the weekend though. What are you up to?
No
I have nothing to do.
Oh yeah?
The mall?
Oh
Absolutely
At that moment
To what?
And I spend hours thinking of ways to get back at him
Oh yeah.
I think it has something to do with Survivor
Um
What? No.
What? Oh no no no. Dwight
Well Im trying to. Do you see what Im doing?
But listen
All right.
Yeah
Im on it.
You are not going to believe this.
Well
Hey Kev
Oh
Toby and Kevin
Well
I love their sandwiches too.
Their bread is very good.
OK
Because were strong
Sure
Oh no?
No
That was beautiful. All her idea too. Awesome. She is so great.
OK
I know
What? What?
Great.
Good.
Wait
I cant do that. You wont be able to breathe.
Thank you
So do you want me to stay here and
Right... Thats good.
Pam
Speaking of which
Yeah
OK
OK. I have just convinced Dwight that he needs to go to Stamford and...  ... spy on our other branch. No no no.
But before he does so
If we can get him to drive to Connecticut... and put peroxide in his hair...
No
No
God
Its stupid. Its
God
Pam gets a little down. Her toaster oven broke. Um
Thats him.
Uh
Oh my God.
Ill do it. Wear a little flouncey skirt if you want
Basketball? It was kind of my thing in high school. And Im
You coming down?
You gonna wish me luck?
Whoa.
Is that trash talk from Pam?
Oh.
Well
I think Ill see you at the mall. Yeah.
Have a good game man.
Really? I thought Id take Roy.
My bad.
You know what? Let me take Roy.
Take it easy.
...so I talked to the scout
I didnt sign anything.
Cute
Shes not really my type.
Hmmm
Moms
Too late
Pam and I are good buddies. Im sort of Pams go-to guy for her problems. You know with stuff like work
Shed be perfect for you.
So
Well
Plus you have so much more to talk to this girl about
Its all gold.
Alright. Heres the thing okay
You buy a purse.
Dwight
Okay
Yes. Listen
No. You dont need the bathroom. Youve got it. Go.
Okay
Hi my names Dwight Schrute and I would like to buy a purse from you. Good lord
Yes
Oh! That was really.   This is necessary to do to really give it a good workout. This is the ooooh... This is the prettiest one of all.
Im going to be the prettiest girl in the ball. Oh
Here he comes
Good.
He did pick a good one.
A futon?
Hes a grown man
Thats sad. Or its innovative. Well
Hi.
Im Jim
Hi Katy
I do. Thats what Im best known for. Sitting out there. Alright
Katy but you know what
Okay
Whats up?
Thank you for choosing me.
Ah
Yeah.
Oh
And stuff... yeah.
What are you doing?
Okay.
Thats cool.
That is cool. Well
Okay.
Alright.
Goodnight
I dont know. Grab a drink
I got this.
I got it.
Have a good night.
Oh
Alright now
This is a really nice car. In case you havent noticed
Youre not going to freak out?
So
What?
Oh
No
Well I think if you use the same jokes it just comes across as lazy.
Yeah
Hey! How are ya? I thought you left?
Oh!
Oh.
Yeah.
I think those might be empty.
Second drink?
Yeah
Yes
What a great year for the Dundies.
We got to see Ping.   And we learned of Michaels true feelings for Ryan.   Which was touching. And
What?
Okay.
I dont know
Oh my God! You are so drunk!
Did you get that? Please tell me you got that. This is all going to be on.
Hes a volunteer.
Dwight come on
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa
No you dont.
Oh
Shoot.
Not really a question.   Okay
Alright.
Goodnight
Hey.
Um... I dont think so.
Oh! There it is!
Um... Fifty signs your priest might be Michael Jackson.
Well done.
Topical.
Hey
Except pass that breathalyzer.
Im really excited to meet your Mom.
Oh yeah?
Good. Cause I have a lot of questions.
Yeah. As a child
Im in an office relationship. Its special. Um... shes nice. Shes shy. Shes actually here. You want to meet her? Hold on one second. Oh
No
Does that include Thats What She Said?
Wow! That is really hard. You really think you can go all day long? Well

Mm-hmm.
No way. Lets do this   Oh.
Wind.
Perfect.
Oh.
Hey
What does 2005 season mean?
Wait a minute
What?
Really?
Oh my God! Wait
OH!
Yes! So close. I really love the paper triangle flicking and hitting things game. Yeah.
Why?
Hey
So thats what this sound is all day.
Stanley. Just played Dunder Ball with Toby. What about you
Fair enough.
This scented candle ...andle ...andle. Which I found in the mens bathroom ...room ...room. Represents the eternal burning of competition. Or something.
Yes it does. Yes it does my friend. Ok
Let the games begin.
You have what is the national sport of Icelandic paper companies. And Im blanking on the name
Hum.
Fair enough
So
Yes! Phyllis!   Phyllis
Here we go. Here we go.
Dig deep
Phyllis by a nose. Gold medal in Flernenton.
Thank you
Wow! Ok. No one else should even try! Gold medals! Give him medals. Wow.
Very nicely done. I think thats H-O-R for Stanley
Oh my god. Phyllis
Who had someone from Vance Refrigeration?
Ryan Howard. Ryan!   Gold medal.
What?   Oh my god. Where did you have time to make that?
Alright Pam
Final lap. Final lap. Time to beat is 1:15.
Time to beat is one minute
Nothing. Guys? Timers still going? Er?
Here you go. All done.
Yeah
Hey.
Mmm. Hey
Okay
Notify the athletes.
Michael.
Nothing. I just wanted to congratulate you on your condo.
Nice.
Hey
These are the Closing Ceremonies. Step up. Youre on the top one.   Congratulations to Michael
And for Dwight Schrute
Um... Cause your condos in America.
Those are the doves.
Jim Halpert. What? How did you get this number? Stalker.
So were still on for lunch? Youre meeting me here? Okay. Great. Bye.
Okay.
Okay
And
Would You Rather. Would You Rather is our third game.
Okay
Nice. Third book?
Okay. Phyllis.
Nice.
I guess.
Uh
Nice. Smart.
Okay. Thought people read more books.
DVDs! Five movies. What would you bring to the island? Yes! Meredith?
Wow.
Wow. Bridges of Madison County
Wait
Unforgivable.
Good.
Pam? Get us back into it.
Five movies. Go ahead.
Ooh
What?
Okay thats five.
Pam
Play by the rules. Dwight. All time favorite movie.
All right. Lets move on. Lets move on to the main event. Who Would You Do?
Um
Um... okay. Ah
Yeah
Dwight. Dwight.
Come on Dwight! Use words.
Who goes to business school?
He does?
What?
You know what you should do? You should quit. And then
Yeah. Youre right.
Alright buddy.
Nothing.
Um... Kevin
Hey
Hey.
Good
Good to see you
Yeah
What answers?
Oh! Right! Right
Okay
Yeah?
Sure.
Im a three hole punch version of Jim. Cause you can have me either way. Plain White Jim
Oh
Okay
Nice.
Okay
Dwight is... special. But
Um. He sticks to his guns.
Um... Whoa.    Michael Scott here. Yes
Um... its in Maryland.
Yeah. Yeah. You know what? Maybe... maybe I will.
Honestly
Um... yes.
Michael
Im sorry?
Oh
Okay.
Oh
We should switch seats in order to...
Alright.   Excuse me.  Im really sorry
Wow.
Thats an overreaction.
Is this you? Are you being you
Okay.
Oh
Michael Scott here.
Toby? Mm hmm.   I really have to take this Creed
It wasnt me.
Yeah
Come on.
Thats just a figure of speech
That is weird.
Ok
Okay
I think you should retrace your steps.
Colder... warmer... little warmer... there you go
Hi
I know.
Uh
Ok
Right
Umm...
You know what
Was that your mom?
Oh
Assistant to the Sensei
Ok.
Uh
117 Mount Bergin St.
You making this up as you go along
Well
Thanks.
Hey
No Im not.
Oh
Ok
Please?
Good
Ok
Ok. Michael? Could you beat up Michael?
Well
Uh
Sounds tough. When youre a Jet
I cant. I just got a manicure.
Just have Dwight punch you.
You know a ton of fourteen year old girls?
Are you ok? Are you sure you are alright?
Ok
Ok
Obviously.
Yes.
Uh
Ooh
Um
Reading Pams palm
Your love line- Im just kidding. I cant see anything.
Oh
Tied up.
What
Later
No. Theyre in the conference room.
So this possible client theyre talking about
No...
We are doing worst first dates.
Wait
I always knew Pam has refused to go to sports games with Roy
Is this real?
Agent Michael Scarn.
How long is this?   Oh
Oh
Do we all have our copy of Threat Level: Midnight
Alright
Oh yeah-
Why not
Dwight-
Do you want to play-
The lead role of Agent Michael Scarn?
Inside the FBI
Michael Scarn takes out a nine-millimeter gun and shoots the-
A man sitting several seats down
Well
Thats actually a good idea. Well all take a brief intermission.   Hey
Yeah?
I had plans to meet a friend tonight. Which I had to cancel. But this is cool
Wow.
Nice. Thats excellent
So
Travel. Ive been looking forward to it. Its gonna be... really nice. Gonna find myself.
Yeah.   Definitely.
Jan didnt come back for her car last night.
Could it be that Agent Michael Scarn has finally found his Catherine Zeta?
No way.
Some might even say that we had our first date last night.
Really.
Cause there was dinner
Dinner and a show
Youre right
Least I didnt leave you at a high school hockey game.
Oh
Ok
No. Thank you.
Done.
Sok.
Youre not having s*x.
Ok
Wow. Um
Ok.
We dont have double-tabbed manila file folders.
No
Alright... well
I win.
Wait
Duh.
Today is Thursday. But Dwight thinks that its Friday. And thats what Ill be working on this afternoon.
Ohh...
Eck!... Oh! Also
Hey
...Saturday
Hey
Course
No
I dont really wanna picture it. But thank you
Um
Oh-
Yeah
Ummm... no idea.
Are we in danger?
What?
Hmm...
No.

Uh hum.
Its true. Im having a party. Ive got three cases of imported beer
Oh
Could
Because not everybody knows about the party.
Umm
Because its a surprise.
Uh hmm.
So
Ok.
So
I know.
Oh man. Oh
Oh
Hey.
Yup
Oh
Uh hmm
You do?
Because you said do you wanna hang out-
Really?
Aw
Improv sounds great.
Alright.
I think Stanley just coughed.
Quick announcement everybody
Thats because Marks my roommate.
Uh hmm.
Oh
Great.   Just wanna let you guys know that we will be taking the tour like I promised-
Hey! Just in time! You wanna go on the group tour? We were just about to leave.
Well
Uh
We can talk about that later.
See
This is my desk.
My home office
Ok
Yeah
You know what? Lets just leave that image out of it
Yeah
Oh yeah.
Thank you.
Angela
Chicken
There is soda inside.
Oh by the way hows your side project going?
Really?
So this year
I think I did a pretty good job.
Well
Yeah?
Well
Thats great. Well dont tell me who it is
Oh
Great. Where did you get it?
He obviously forgot to get me something
Theres a little more to it.
What is Yankee Swap?
I thought that was called Nasty Christmas.
Oh
Sure you dont want the teapot?
Right.
No. No. Definitely. Its ..
Got to be kidding me.
Yeah
I bought this teapot for Pam
Come on
Look
You dont even drink tea.
To think that my gift for Pam will be used for that
You know
But ..
Well
I didnt think you were going to get that one. I really didnt.
Hey.
Whats up
Wow
Who
Oh
Here
Its time for our first quarter camaraderie event
So that he can have us rob a bank
Yeesh
Im not really sure what movie youre talking about. Are you sure you got the title right?
Michael stands in the front of the boat and says that hes king of the world within the first hour
Its not hilarious
Um
Yeah.   Darryl! Darryl! Darryl!
Well...
Oh
Um... lets see
You know what? I would save the receptionist. I just wanted to clear that up.
No.
I dont know. Lets break up.
What happened to you?
Oh
What a night.
She was always engaged.
Thats... great. You know
Yeah
Yeah. Shes really funny
Shes engaged.
Huh.
Yeah
What?
Whats going on?
Im sorry? Pam.
What is going on?
Hey
Its
You burned your foot on a Foreman Grill?
Oh...
But you said that you went out with her this weekend.
What was that...
Oh!
He hit the pole!
Its broken right
Oh Dwight
Hes still driving... Dwight
So
So
Do you think Dwights bein a little weird today?
And that isnt weird?
Quick question: uh
I want to clamp Michaels face in a George Foreman grill.
You mean today? He stepped on a George Foremen grill and he burned his foot.
Uh
Fine.
Slowly
What are you doing? What
Stop
You cant lay down.
Wake up.
Im just gonna get...
Just keep him awake.
You dont think you should sit in the back with Dwight?
Well
Come on
Were going to Chuck E. Cheese.
Were going to the hospital
Oh my God
Give the bottle to Michael
Give the bottle to Michael!
Will you stop?
Michael stop.
Michael stop.  sprays Michael
Stop
Its Kurt. Wow
Concussion.   What did you write?
So you thought they meant your reason for coming to the hospital.
Come on Dwight.
Dunder Mifflin
Uh hmm
Michael went in there with him too. Its pretty sweet.
Uh huh.
But they shouldnt be much longer now
Ok.
Bye.
Not much whats up with you?
Umm
Nothin much whats up with you?
So close.
Yeah. On the booze cruise I told Michael about some feelings I used to have for Pam. I had just broken up with Katy and had a couple drinks. And I confided in the worlds worst confidant.
Hey Michael.
Remember that thing I told you on the booze cruise about Pam? That... was... personal so if we can just keep that between you and me. That would be great.
Umm
Nobody.
Alright. Great. Thank you.
Im going with grape.
Which one?
I dont know what you mean.
Uh
Im going to take off actually.
Tony the tiger. You dont hear that much any more.
Um
Thanks.
I dont know probably just gonna eat my ham and cheese sandwich in the break room.
No
Oh
Nope were not brothers.
Can I just have the ham and cheese sandwich
Uh
Um
Uh-huh.
What about you?
Wow
Thank you.
Thanks
Just you know politics
Well the cats out of the bag. I used to have a crush on Pam and now I   dont. Riveting.
Hey.
Ah
It expired in August
Big day.
Hey oh
Well I thought that
And seriously
Oh you did?
No
Oh yeah
And Pam it was like three years ago so I am totally over it.
Ok.
Hey.
Umm
Hey
Look its one day
Good.
Ready?
Oh
Pams on vacation and she gets back tomorrow
Oh
Hey! Welcome back!
So
Good! Whats goin on here?
What? I did not do that. That sounds disgusting.
Oh. Wow.
That might be a little difficult with the one computer.
But theres definitely a desk open in the back.
...which I guess Ill be taking.
No
Hey
Um
Allergy to... the desk?
Its the lever on the side.
No
Hey!
Nothing much. Let me ask you something. Its actually little awkward.
What do you think of Kelly?
Are you interested in her?
Really?
She said lots of things.
I have no idea.
Yeah. Sure.
Hey
Yep.
What is?
Thanks for the heads up
Oh
Yeah. Nope. Yeah. Definitely.
Yeah. I like talking to her too.
Yes. Yeah.
Yep. Cool
Ponies.
Flowers.
Hey!
Its a complete... well
Did you really?
Oh.
Good.
Nice. Well
I think you should do it. Thats great!
So youre not doing it.
Why not?
Come on.
Roy said that.
You got to take a chance on something sometime
You are?
So I broke up with Katy and havent been dating anybody else
I dunno
It was there when I sat down.
Hey Kelly. Whats up?
OH
Wow.
Wow.
No
I bet.
Alright.
Nah thats alright. Spend money on her
Take it slow. Cause it seems like a lot of the time things like that need...
Oh
You know what? Heres the deal
Well
Yeah. Alright
Can we not?
Still want that.
Cuginos pizza.
Dwight was the top salesman of the year at our company. He wins a little prize money and gets honored at some convention. It is literally the highest possible honor that a Northeastern Pennsylvania-Based Mid-size Paper Company Regional Salesman can attain
What did I do to deserve this?
No.
Oh
Hi
Im going to take a trip. Im going to get out of town for a while... and go someplace... not here.
Where do I want to go? Um... that is an excellent question. And one I should have probably thought about before I called you. Um...
Can I go?
So. Uh... I am going on a trip. But not really sure where Im going yet. Its kind of open-ended. So I was hoping maybe you guys would have some suggestions?
What is that?
I was thinking more like Europe. Or something like that. But
When did you go there?
Really for like how long?
Where do I want to go?
No. Were not.
Which means absolutely nothing.
Dwight. If you could travel anywhere in the world where would you go?
Okay. Just trying to get some advice on my trip.
You know I majored in Public Speaking in College.
Mmmhmm. And the first thing they teach you is that youve got to be true to your self. And you are all about authority.
The great speakers throughout history were not joke tellers. They were people of passion. So if you want to do well today
Youve got to wave your arms and youve got to pound your fists. Many times. Its supposed to emphasize your point.
Ok
Ok
Maybe. Thanks.
Yeah. Im definitely going.
Im going. Im a little nervous to run into Dwight on his connecting flight to Mordor. But
I dont know. I feel like I have plenty of time to figure out the details but...
Im... leaving on June 8th.
Yeah. And Im really sorry about that
Yeah. Do you want me to take these on my way out?
Alright.
Bribery. Nice.
The ocean.
What are you reading?
Aww
Pfft. So have I. Hey
Definitely. Yes. Glad you said that. ...You dont want to help me with some of my sales
Really?
Yesss. And youre Abby
Im Jim.   Annnnd... lets sell some paper.
Lets start with... your mom.
Ow
Really? Cause shes pretty strong
Thats pretty funny.
Cant believe his mom dressed him like that
Ohh
Thanks
Why does he own a guitar if he doesnt know how to play?
No
Hey. ...Oh
Man
Oh
Kelly
Sometime today.
Maybe
So. We got Kev some stuff. Um... a party pack of M&Ms
Which we realize sounds crass
...What?
Yeah
...Okay.
Yeah. Okay. Oh. I dare you to make an announcement.
Just... quit stalling.
Such a dork.
How old are you?
Well thats an invasion of privacy
You... owe me.
Think you can let go?
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.
Is that Michael?
...Its something to think about.
You look cute today
So
I enjoy the tangy zip of Miracle Whip.
Whoa. You are a volunteer.
And thats not the same.
Volunteer duty.
Well
Im just saying that you cant be sure that is wasnt you.
Marijuana is a memory loss drug
Well
Now how do you know how it works?
No! You said that Id be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now exactly how much pot did you smoke?
Oh
Oh
Oh...
Cmon!
presses drink button
Hi.
How much time do you have left on your break?
Wow. What a terrible day to not be able to talk. Dwight was literally carrying around his own urine and dressed like one of the Village People. Why does he do the things that he does for Michael? I just dont get it. What is he getting out of that relationship?
Yeah
Dwight tried to kiss me.
And I didnt tell anyone because Im not really sure how I feel about it.
Well
Well
Well
You mean your thoughts and feelings?
Yeah...
Hey... you know what
Well
This came out really well.   There you go.
Oh.
What did I write?
Yes! Five bucks each. And it was totally worth it.
That actually took a while. I had to put
Just a simple macro. You know
Yeah
Maybe Stanford would be cool.
Yeah. Maybe we should both go.
Sure you do
No
Pam
Im the one who complained about you.
I... I didnt know that Toby was gonna write it down.   I was just venting.
You know
And I took it right back. It was like...
Hey
Oh
Excuse me. How long is the wait for a table for two?
I can always kind of win at roulette.
Yeah.
Mind control.
Ever since I was a little kid
It was just little thing
Okay
That doesnt exist anymore.
I think you mean the aid to Afghanistan.
Guys
What are you doing?
Till Death Do Us Rock.
Oh.
Wait
Lets do it.
Why did I talk to Jan about transferring? Well
Wow. I dont know how youre gonna decide. They are all extremely good.
Yes.
Your mom would love that. She would. Oh
Lets take a look. Nice.
What?
Oh
Wow. Oh!
Yeah
No
Kev!
I will raise.   Thanks.
Its the weirdest thing. Every time I cough
Yeah
What was this?
Really?
Wow. I think youre bluffing.
Oh. Three nines.
Thank you very much. It was fun.
So
No
Yeah
Well
Yeah
Oh
No.
Okay
Hey
Yeah. Hey
No
I was just... Im in love with you.
Im really sorry if thats weird for you to hear
I just needed you to know. Once.
Yeah.
Dont do that.
Come on. I dont wanna do that. I wanna be more than that.
Not your fault. Im sorry I misinterpreted our friendship.
You have no idea how long Ive wanted to do that.
No Im not drunk. Are you drunk?
Are you really gonna marry him?   ...Ok.
I cant say whether Dunder Mifflin paper is less flammable
Why did I transfer to Stamford? I think thats pretty obvious. I got promoted! And you cant beat that view... right?
Uh-huh
OooOK.
I ate a tuna sandwich
Oh
Whats gay-dar? Oh
I miss that.
Its really good to see you
Yeah
No
You know
Oh
That is a lot of liquor.
And a dart board.
Oh
Yeah.
All right
Oh yeah?
Oh
Hey
Oh
Michael
Michael.
Dwights room key. And... Dwights room. What can I say? Old habits die hard.
Oh my God. Dwight got a hooker! Oh my God
Michael. Am I the first to arrive?
Can I get a drink?
Can I get a drink?
Yeah.
Michael...
Wait
Michael
No
Nope
Thats all right.
Yeah. Okay
Hey.
How are you?
No
At the Stamford branch
Im just killing Germans
Wait
Yeah I think we can be a big help to your company.  someone dims the lights
Oh
Um
Im sorry what are you whispering about?
Im trying---
Oh.
What?  Karens player shoots Jims player
Wow. Psychopath.
leaving his desk for the day
Oh yeah
Whats up?
Oh.
Mmm
Okay
Wow. Never pegged you for a quitter.
Really?
Oh
I have no idea. We went right for the copier.
And then we checked the fax machine.
Hi
Nice!
Sounded good.
Whered I find what?
I called the manufacturer
What?
Is it?
No
So I guess I cant get up.
Sure.
Love me
Go on and fool me. Love me
fool me
Love me
Ah
Hi.
Sorry
And I was just going to go through the system cause I didnt think youd be there. Why
Wow. Do you think you could send me a copy of that?
So...
Oh
Oh
What time is it here? Um
How far away did you think we were?
Yeah. I have a question for you.
How many words per minute does the average person type?
Shut up. Mavis Beacon doesnt even type 90.
Ok
Forget it. I was just about to brag but forget it.
No.
65. Ok
Respectable?
Right.
Ok.
Yeah.
I know!
No way. How do you confuse 28 Days with 28 Days Later?
No
Yes. Fancy New Beesley would make that up. New apartment
And how many kitchens?
Wow
Most apartments these days have like three.
Yes! How are you going to cook every meal of the day in one kitchen?
Pam?
Pam?
Oh
Oh
Yeah
Ok.
Yeah. Bye Pam.
Sorry.
I started biking into work. Josh does it and he lives a lot farther away than I do. And also it saves gas money
Thank you.
Scuse me?
Wow.
Yup.
Once a quarter
Whats that?
Yep.
Oh
Good.
Oh.
Can I have a ride
Okay.
Oh.
Im a drunk driver.
Man
No kidding. And I am just going to lie down in the back
So good.
Hey.
Oh
I dont have a ton of contact with the Scranton branch
Really? Wow... thats bad.
Well
I worked in Scranton for a really long time. And uh
Hey
I know its not definite or whatever
Okay
What does that mean?
Say what you will about Michael Scott
Wow.
Thank you.
No
No. No
Okay.
I really dont know. How you doing with all this?
Youd actually move to Scranton?
New York City is 45 minutes down the road from here. And you wanna move to Scranton? I dunno. If I were you Id move to New York?
Hey
Okay.
The Stamford branch is closing and everybodys just packing up their stuff. Andy Bernard made these tasteful hats.
Yeah.
You know what? I think you just need to meet him.
Sounds good Andy.
Yes. This is going to be very interesting. All right
Right.
Okay.
Hi
Yeah
Awesome! Good to be back. The place looks really good.
You
Where do I stand with Pam? Um... no idea. I mean
Hey
Okay. Sounds good.
I dont know what youre talking about.
No. Looks good.
Im not.
I am.
Okay.
Hey! How are you man? Good to see... you.
Oh
Oh.
You know
Let me get that for you.
This one taken? No. Good.
Hey
How are you
I just wanted to say hi.
Oh. Is that like your new thing?
No. Its cool.
All right. Good to be back.
All right.
No problem.
...what?
Kelly!
Really?
Great. Whats new with you?
Oh
It reminds me of the orientation video showed on my first day. The Scranton Witch Project.
Terrible. Totally unconvincing.
Not bad
You feel good?
All right.
Hey!
Oh yeah. Im trying to move away from that. Getting into more of a bottled water phase.
Well
Oh! Um... tonight
Okay.
Nope. Youre not interrupting anything. Nope. Im...
Dont...
All right.   I should probably get back to work. Get back to work.
All right!
Does he ever.
Yeah
Hey! Where you at
Whats wrong? You didnt have a good first day?
Yeah. Sure. Sounds good. I... .   Hey! You know what? Can I give you a call right back?
Ok
Hey.
I thought you had already... left.
Oh... Good.
Oh
I just think I should tell you that... Ive sort of started seeing someone. And uh...
O..ok. Um..good.
Right.
Yeah. Good to be back.
Hey.
Just about... yup. Now.
Yes. I have started to see Karen. Its very new
Jim Halpert.
...Okay I cant... help you... with that.
She is dating Ryan
Shes... high-maintenance.
Yeah
...Absolutely you should.
I know Pam pretty well. I know the things that she likes
Frisbee-based competitions...
She...
Lead off with that. She loves hunting. She also loves those ads for Six Flags
Jonas Salk.
Justin Timberlake?
What is that
Oh. Andy. I thought of one last tact you can take with Pam.
Quick question - do you play the guitar?
Hold on
Yup. Thats perfect.
Hey.
Perfect.
...Im messing with Andy. Im sending him to all the women in the office with... just... terrible information on how to get them to go out with him.
...Oh
Uh
Where... did you learn all of this?
So
Whatd you do
That is... quite the rap sheet
Well
Okay
Merry Christmas Dwight.
Wow. What have we got here?
Dead goose.
All right.
Wow. Win-Win.
Wow. What kind of bike is that?
But the paints chipping. Is that your old bike
Oh
Carol.
Its a bold move
What?
Are you serious?
Last year
You know what? Uh
No
It just feels a little bit
I feel like theres a chance for me to start over. And if I fall back into the same kind of things I used to do.
Will they still air Rudolph?
Yup
OK
As ranking number two
Could you please keep it down?   Im in session. Ive determined that this committee is valid.
Permission denied.
OK.   Wow
Yes.
No
Oh
Probably.
And shes trying to correctly butcher a goose
Oh no
Im sure theyll want to meet her
All right
What a horrible
Thank you.
No. She wasnt.
Well
Sorry.
You what?
Yeah.
You just had a rebound.
Yeah. Which
Oh
Oh no
Hmm... Well
All right
For what?
OK. Uh
Oh my God
Youre not allowed to take off your pants in the middle of the office.
Dwight
No
Dwight Schrute is now wearing a babys bonnet.
Oh my God
You want to talk about it?
Yep
Yikes.
Fantastic.
Hey.
Yeah.
Yeah. Yes. Um
Really?
So
Hmm
Yeah
Hey
Oh
Urkel Grue.
Uh
Definitely.
Hello.
Yeah
For this?
Pam
Oh well
Yeah. Right?
Ok.
Yup. Ill trade.
Dwight and I used to go on sales calls all the time. In fact
Seriously? Youre going to sit in the back?
You still do that thing?
After you sir.
Ok
We can offer our biggest discounts on 30% recycled and ultra-premium laser.
Let me talk to you about a few of the other things we can offer. Namely
We have discount prices on ink cartridges...
And
We can custom make them.
Sure
And this is Dunder-Mifflin.
Hey
Thanks.
Well
We should go on a double date.
Sure. Look at you!
Beesley
All right.
Yeah.
No way! All right Pam. Congratulations.
Which one was it?
Cool.
Oh
Yeah. Can I see it when I get back?
Congratulations.
Big deal.
Ok.
Pam? Did I ever have a thing for her? No
Yeah. Ok
Hey man.
Is that you singing?
Nice job.
You gonna answer it?
Yikes.
Thank you.
I miss Dwight. Congratulations
Hey.
So Andy is in rare form today.
Encourage him? Im the victim
Fine. Party pooper.
Hey
You wanna pull a prank on Andy?
I liked you better when you were the temp.
Would you like to pull a prank on Andy?
Okay
Are there any messages?
So weird.
No.
What are you talking about?
You know what? Maybe its in the ceiling.
Okay.
Oh my God
Its not freakin funny!
Hey.
Yes.
Prima nocta
Karen and I had a long talk last night and the night before that and uh
Hey.
Ugh.
Oh yeah. Why?
Oh. Yeah well
Yeah
No
Really?
Good advice Beesley. Thanks. See you out there.
Absolutely not.
Stop. Thats disgusting.
Fine.
Sally.
Blonde.
Are you okay?
Ah
Yep
Michael referred me to a male strip club called Banana Slings. Instead
Have you ever seen a stripper before?
Yeah
Hi.
Oh God.
Michael
Really? Looks like I hired the right guy. Im glad. Any real potential there Beesley?
Damn
In school
Dwight
Altoid?
Mint Dwight?
What are you doing?
What?
So whats in the box?
Those flowers are nice.
Phyllis and Robert.
You know what? I bet a lot of them are wedding crashers.
Did you ever see that movie?
You know I just wish
Hey.
When are we going to get to see some of those famous Beesly dance moves?
Come on. Get out there. Give the people what they want.
I know. Its very cute.
Hypothetically
Heres a not hypothetical. Im really happy Im with Karen.
Pams with Roy. Im with Karen. And
Okay. Thanks.   Animal control will be here at six.
Im sorry what did you say? So wierd...
The bat
Ow!
That bread on your desk? I just picked it up. Its white hot.
What? ... No. It burned me. I... bizarre.
Oh
The glare off Angelas crucifix? Its blinding.
So... youre cool to just wait here for animal control?
Cool. Okay. Im gonna go home and lie down
Sorry
Another worm? Like
Oh no thanks
Yeah.
Thanks.
Oh. Um. I think were good.
Yeah.
Why dont I wanna go? Didnt expect to need a reason
Yep.
Oh
Gotcha. Alright.
Well
Oh. Hadnt noticed.
No
Oh.
You stay here and have fun
Wallace? What the hell
So
Really?
Ok.
I dont know. Where to begin? My ball.
I dont know. Feel like... Friday night crowds...
Agoraphobic?
Really?
Absolutely correct.
Kev
Here we go...
Ok...
Sounds good.
Hey...
I guess... all things considered
Hey man
Okay. Um... Got you something.
You dont know what it is.
It was a little glass display case for his for his bobblehead. That would have made us even
Whered you get that?
Hey
I cant hear you.
Still nothin.
No.
Nice.
Okay.
And what happens in this one?
Okay.
Can I have a raise?
s*x
What?
I didnt say anything. I was waiting to see what happened.
So
Yeah
No
Well see. Im sure you guys will... find you way back to one another someday.
Oh
Ok
Boy I---
Its like when he annoys me and I want to screw with him to get him back
Well... yes
Thanks
Whats what?
Wow. I guess word got around. Thats a nice... honor.
Didnt think youd notice...
I... will never say a word. And now
Hey
Whats that?
No
Andy.
Andy
Dwight says that he actually doesnt know one single fact about bear attacks.
Andy! Nah
You really wanna bet?
Ok
No
I dont know
Theres like ten green ones.
Im gonna say fifty.
Oh
Kevs out.
Okay
Okay.
Id say like... 10
Well
Oh
Oh my God
Oh. Hes going to kill himself
Hey uh
Dwight...
Its kind of blurry.   Thats better.   Question. What kind of bear is best?
False. Black bear.
Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.
Last week
... MICHAEL!
Absolutely. I couldnt be more sorry about this.
One more. Why are you talking like that?
Yeah
All right.
Yeah
Oh
Whats that?
You know her name.
Its fine.
What about music? Do you have any music?
I was thinkin about more like a CD
Lord
Did that really need to be said?
Oh
Which one... is she?
Wow.
No
Nope.
No.
No.
Oh
Andy--- Ohh...
Oh my God.
Well... thats not gonna hold up in court.
All right.
Not important. Because youre not dating her. Because its a felony.
Probably another high-school student.
Absolutely.
And you should.
Andy... is having a real rough day today.
Good luck.
You want music?
Come on man
A-wimowheh
A-wimowheh
A-wimowheh
A-wimowheh
Do you?
OK.
Look at that.
Spot on.
Hey.
Oh
Jim Halpert
Oh
Lay it on me.
Now that sounds serious.
Which would be me.
OK
Oh
OK
OK.
Thank you.   The police are on it. They say theyve already had three calls.
Mm... not really
Question. Wont that interfere with your other task forces?
Wait a second
Why dont you run the meeting? You play with dolls.
No. Thank you
Not really. Ive seen a bathroom before.
I think you mean a girls locker room. And in the fantasy
Go crazy.
Well
Anna Marias.
Six-month anniversary. What?
No
Oh
That is pretty cool.
Hey
No
Dont.   I have information about the s*x predator.
I saw him two minutes ago.
In the womens bathroom
Really? Not Slytherin?
I know. Okay
Vol-de-mort
Woah
Yup.   Perfect
Woah
You cant say
What are you doing?
Yeah. No. Good.
Oh
Great. Yeah
In well?
How would that work in well? I just want to know.
Wait a minute.
If this job is in a well
I dont!
Nope.
Oh
Thats harsh.
And that is not the same at all. If youre going to ask other people to do it
Hey
Michael
Hey
Thank you.
Ohhh...
No.
No way.
Andy...
Nothing.
Yup.
Karen suggested that I get a haircut for the interview tomorrow so that I could look presentable and not
Thanks
Ahhh... just have so much paperwork to do.   Wow. Done. Okay
So I was wondering if Karen and I could get off a few hours early cause we want to spend the night in the city.
Whoops.
Hmmm.
Ah
All right.
Yeah
You sure?
Wow.
Uh
Hm. Really tough call.
You know what? Why dont you take the rest of the day
All right.
Oh hey
Does my room have cable?
Can I change rooms?
Can I have a late checkout?
Youre not the manager even in your own fantasy?
Okay
Go.
Yeah
Mm-hm.
Unbelievable.
She could put the cup right there.
Thanks.
Totally
Oh wow
Oh...
Oh
Um
Yeah
Oh do you mean when I get the job?
You mean Kevin?
Yeah
Whos that?
Beardy?
Im gonna introduce myself.
Yeah. Kinda feel bad for her though.
Oh
Okay.
Sure.
Thank you.
I should leave.
Thanks.
Im sorry
Yes
Oh
There you go.
Whats that? Oh
The friendships.
How are your feet?
The real reason that I went to Stamford... was because... I wanted to be... not here.
And even though... I came back
Pam.   Sorry.   Um
All right. Then... its a date.
Really
How much did you pay for it?
You paid for it?
I broke up with Karen after the job interview
Oh that sounds fun. Im mountain biking on Sunday. On Montage Mountain.
Yeah.
What?
Who was driving?
One day Michael came in complaining about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then.
Oh good
I can also take 3 people.
I think shes awake.
I wouldnt... I wouldnt worry about it. Dont touch it.
I will do some research.
Six of one
So whats your strategy for this race?
Mm-hmm.
What?
Why wont more people do that?
What?
Oh
I mean I can see how it would seem a bit like we uh... How it looks like um... I mean now a days you can edit anything
Right!
Wow! There it is.
It is going really great.
Yeah
Yeah.
Bat birth control
Which we are.
You know what though
Great
Baquette.
Eww.
I can imagine.
You couldnt have taken off all your clothes in the mens room?
Gross.
Alright.
Oh
Oh
Ooo! An estate sale. Wanna go in?
OK
Thats what I thought.
Right. Lets do some good.
Oh
...talk about it.
What are you doing here? Did you come back for us
Well
Glass of water would be a start.
Wow! You are a downer. We were having a pretty nice day.
You are?
Hey.
Oh wow
Im just gonna grab some chips
I guess.  Pam smiles and walks away
Ummm... yup. Yes
Actually
Ohh..  Michael goes to hug Pam
Hey. So now that we are dating
Oh.
Sorry
What?
Oh
Great.
Wait a second. Last time I checked
Swore I wouldnt tell anyone this
Swear to God.  . Aww this is great. I was actually gonna wait and tell you on your birthday
Wait. What?   You knew? And you didnt say anything?
Fair enough. Wow! We should have started dating like a long time ago.
Oh no
OK.
And... that is why we waited so long to tell people.
Why do you have the Big picture up again? You used that already
Hey
Nice to meet you.
Hey.
Alright I just have to ask now that were public
I knew it. Oh man
Be honest.
Thats honest.   Alright
For me
Alright.
Why dont we just go by ourselves?
What about a gift basket full of cash?
Yeah
That whole lifestyle
I guess he cant get any girl he wants.
Into a lake.
I know. I love it there.
Mmhmm
Sounds great.
Yeee... (grunts in frustration)
Theres this cube on the screen
Wait for it.
Hey Meredith
Oh
Haha...
Uh-huh.
MmmHmm...
Oh yeah.
Alright...
Whoops. Is that really what Ryan wanted you to tell us?
Actually it sounds like you are.
Or zipadeedoodaah.
I was... mocking.
Or a gong.
Really? Power gel?
What would you say if I told you we could pull a prank on Dwight and at the same time not be working?
What?
Yeah
Not sure. Just became self-aware. So much to figure out. I think I am programmed to be your enemy. I think it is my job to destroy you when it comes to selling paper.
Sure well go.
Oh Im sorry. What?
Nope.
Definitely not. If anything it was a tie.
Hows it going?
Yeah?
You look a little worried.
Okay. Um
Hey man.
Whats going on?
Oh yeah?
Im driving?
Alright
Yep. A long time ago
Yeah.
Its not. Its different. But its a good book.
What was that?
Oh. Two kisses.
Gotcha.
That would be fun.
Uhhh. Cant.
Oh
Mmmkay...
Uh
Yep.
Are there
Yep.
Oh actually I withdrew from consideration.
You need to let him go.
Yes.
Yes
As a hostage.
I think youre under-thinking it.
Ransom.
What did he say?
So
Okay.
Michael just called the pizza place with a list of demands.
Hey
Okay.
What have we got here?
Yeah
Which ones this? Perfect.
Do you remember what you said to me on my first day of work
And thats when I knew. You?
That was the moment that you knew you liked me?
Wow
A toast
Sure
Hey Dwight.
Do you run the bed and breakfest?
Does the Department of Health know about this?
Uh
That reminds me
Darn it!
No
Where are you going out tonight?
I wouldnt understand or a secret?
I cant believe this place is real. I mean
The Beets Motel? That is
How are you doing this?
Nice.
Yes. We will be requiring a bed time story.
Not even Harry Potter?
Hmmm
Oh
You know
Wait
Hey Dwight.
Does Mose have nightmares?
Oh yes. Ever since the storm.
Yeah
Just thought that I heard crying
Good night
You okay?
Are you a cocktail waitress?
No
Dwight
Have you checked Trip Advisor recently?
Maybe you should.
The dawn goose walk will tug at your heartstrings.
You will never want to leave your room.
Did I ever tell you why I left Scranton?
Yeah
Yeah
Ah
Yeah?
Okay.
Yep
Nobody tell him!
You got it
Break me off a piece of that applesauce
Nope.
I think its great that the companys making a commercial because not very many people have heard of us. I mean
You playing that game again?
Oh it has losers.
Who are you talking to
Hey.
Why dont we take a quick ten second break from that so I can show you whats going on here.   Okay
Yeah.

Oh
Not much
Yep.
I... why dont we go back to this animation.
Ah
I hope youre not killing yourself on this
Okay. Do you want me to stay?
Pam is staying late tonight to uh
I
Good morning.   Yeah Im sorry
Youre welcome.
Hey
Hey everybody! Just want to welcome you all to the premiere of the real Dunder Mifflin commercial
Animation? All her by the way.
I just thought you should---
Ahh.
Oh
So tell me again why I cant be part of your club?
Oscar?
So what are you going to do?
Did they?
We just passed the exit for Corcroan.
What are we doing?
Were going to Utica?
Im not going to Utica right now.
No.
I cant believe you guys. Im not going to go further piss off my ex-girlfriend.
No
What are you doing? Stop it
Are you kidding me?
Well
Okay.
You know what? Im just going to call a cab from here.
Alright. Wait
Oh
No.
No
Are you kidding me? Weve been driving around with this stuff in the trunk the whole time?
So the deal was
What?
Okay
Why dont we play that alphabet game that you were talking about?
It doesnt matter.
Doesnt matter.
That doesnt make sense
Oh my God!
Michael
Michael! Michael
Pull over
I cant believe were here
No
Guys going by. Shh.
No
Dwight
Oh my God
Shut up
Okay
No
Alright
Isnt that thing huge?
No
Okay! First of all
Damn it guys!
Oh my God
No
No
Hey Karen.
First of all
You good? Im just checking on the other branches. Michael wants me to do that from time to time
Copy that.
Yes?
Yeah
Oh no
I mean
Alright
I... will...
Hey.
Are you inviting me to the Finer Things Club?
Angelas Ashes
Yep. No
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
No
Of course I read it.
Angela. Nope. The ashes.
Got it.
Absolutely
When Michael plays the hypothetical game
Yeah?
And I am always busy.
Oh
Is there a limit?
Well
How so?
Whats that?
Right.
Not gonna change.
I thought we had that looked at.
Hmm
OK
Yup.
Thatd be great.
Oh
I do remember
You know what
There are thirteen people working in this office
And the other is something inappropriate. Or horrible. Or both. What else? He only sings the high harmony to Happy Birthday. And hes a very big believer in surprise parties. Maybe even
So... I think
We can just have one big fun party. Everybodys happy
Its a pretty good idea
No... I think its a great idea.
You know
Alright.  starts walking away
Right? I was just thinking...
Right! Exactly.   Knew I could count on you.
Whats that?
Oh
OK.
Yeah
Well I think Meredith was just --
Everybodys birthday.
What do you want?
You want a birthday pie?
Well
It will be Angela.
Andy.
Not your birthday.
Alright
Hey
Alright.
OK
Hey guys
Toby.
Oh
Is there anything --
Oh
What?
I remember that.
Seriously?
Tobys great. Hes great
OK. Yeah
Thats a bummer. OK
Yes
Yup
Hey.
Sure glad youre back.
You have no idea.
Well
So
You did do it?
Well
Thats what who said?
Thats what she said.
All right
Sure.
Wow.
Oh
What
So youre asking me to defend your honor against Kelly?
Bring me players.
Good game Meredith.
Dwight! Thank God youre here. As it turns out
Dwight and Jim are playing ping-pong
Check this out though
I think Im ready.
...Right. Spin-serve!  serves
Do you want to go play on the table upstairs?
Nope I dont
I think you did.
Oh
Michael has asked Pam and me to dinner at least 9 times. And every time weve been able to get out of it. But Ive got to give him credit
Hi.
Lets see
I have been getting ready and then driving over here.
Really?
Tour
Oh
Its fire.
Just like that.
Really? cause... seems pretty narrow... and short.
Wow.
What is that chestnut?
Michael
Well
What was that?
Michael and Jan seem to be playing their own separate game and its called Lets see how uncomfortable we can make our guests and theyre both winning. So Im going to make a run for it.
Youll never guess
Thats true. Um... dinner sounded delicious. Pam Ill see you at home
I dont know because I everything I own is there.
Katie Holmes.
Oh
Not really a rhyme.
Tom Cruise!
Oh no she just put it in front of my face.
Im sorry
So... how do you guys know each other?
Would you write down your e-mail because I have just so many questions...
Nevermind.
Thats nice.
Its getting late.
Of course
Oh... my apartments on fire
Flooded.
You know
I stole this.   For you babe.
So we had to park at a satellite parking lot over there.
Oh today
Oh
Your mom.
Michael
Margaret?
You just got yourself kicked out of your apartment.
Oh really? Whos gonna take you in? Youre messy. Youre a klutz
OK
Have I not proposed to you
Oh
No. Not gonna do it right here
Pam
Wait
And when it happens
I am not kidding.   Got it a week after we started dating.
Nice.
Where do you want to go for dinner?
Hey Pam
What? My shoe is untied. What is your problem?   Oh my God
No
Howd you get gum in your hair?
But best case scenario
Nope. Not for you its for your hair
Hey man
Well
Thanks.
Did I? I dont...
Hmm.
Yeah
And then an older gentleman asked you Boxers or briefs?
What?
Im gonna go to my desk.
I know.
I cant.
Im not single.
Pam.
You know what? If we all stayed a couple of hours late tonight without Michael distracting us
So I caught everyone before they left and I told them my idea
Thanks a lot guys
Nice job everybody. Great work.
Nope. I didnt
You really dont have his phone number?
Great
Its ringing. Does anybody have his name? Quick.
Its not
No guys his names not Hank
Is it Elliot? Hey ch... chief
Oh thank you Hank. You are a lifesaver
Yup...
Please dont pick up
Haaank. Is that you?
Still havent left the house yet
Good. Please hurry.
Will do.   Ill stop calling.
Cleaning people. Oscar.   OK
I... just... if they speak Spanish.
Lucky us.
Yeah thats true.
If you were a real star you would put your face in it.
We are here today
Greatness is only skin deep
Well thats not true. Other people believe its deeper inside...
And in this case...
Thats also not true.
You know what would energize me? If you
Would...
Well
What about if we did an even newer voicemail message that had even more zing and pep?
An urban thing...
Oh boy...
On a wing and a prayer
A formal warning...
Im sorry
Im sorry
Oh we were just... talking about
Yeah...
Thats not a good idea.
Who?
Lets go.
Okay
Today
Mr. Maguire
Great!
Hey
Now are you getting all your paper from PPC? Or-
Absolutely
So I guess Ill just... work on my short game.
You know
Yep.
Hey
Uh
Oh
Yeah. All right. Bye.   All right. Sorry
Okay. You had some fun
Absolutely.
You know its a tough thing
I closed it!
Thank you. Oh
Thank you. You know what
Hello
Yes
And how many would you like?
Absolutely. We can get that out to you immediately.
Dwight left his cell phone on his desk. So
Hello
Yes it is.
Oh
Cant do that. Unsanitary.
This is Dwight.
Oh
Oh
Hey... What?
No way! What did I say? I said that theyd love those sketches. Congratulations!
Yes! So when do you start?
Wow. Busy morning.
Its not a big deal. Ill come visit you. And youll visit me. Its only two hours away. Itll be fine. That parts gonna suck
See how easy that is?
So I just got the fax closing the sale
Thanks.
I just-
No
All right
Hello?
Thats not it.
Yeah.
Close.
Mmhmm.
What are the two levels?
Mmhmm.
Okay. Lets start with the I love you level.
Yes. You dont love Holly.
But you just met her.
Oh
Actually
Yeah.
Weve been through this.
Yes
Well
And thats really sweet. And you can think that. But you dont say that out loud
I know. Here
I was thinking... fireworks for the party. What do you think?
Oh
Because Im gonna miss Toby. Yep
Well we all want a good party
Im going to propose tonight. Holy crap!
on phone
Whatd you do?
Wow. Okay
Oh
There you go. Theres plenty of base-laying left
Would you do me a favor and connect me to Ryan?
Right to voicemail.   Hey
Yeah
Classic.
Not my favorite
Its not my favorite...
Hey...
I know. Thats awesome
Im sorry
Definitely not.
Conference room?
That was slightly harsh
You didnt set up your BlackBerry
As opposed to...
What about cars?
They do? So
Got it. Theyre like the penguins of the airplane family.
Thanks.
Well its just that you had no hair on Friday.
How long have you been a man?
That must have been extremely uncomfortable for your mom.
Right back at ya.
Oh my God
Pam! You dont think hell mind if we take the shampoo
Okay.
Yes
Wheres Dwight?
The office.
Hmm.
Youre doin great
Im sorry
More spins.
Okay.
I dont want -
Mmm...
All right!   Im not sure what Im supposed to be doing
Yup.
Right.
Mmmhmm. Why dont you start by telling me what you got.
Love it.
Mm
Definitely cant do that.
You know what?
Okay
Im just doing my job
Good! Fine! Ive got one Andy Bernard that will direct this puppy for half your fee...
What? What?
What?
Okay
Closed.  Michael leaves his office
Michael is on a mission to prove that hes creative. Which I think is odd
Well
Mmm... Id prefer to sit in back.
Nnnno. Uh
I have to. Pam
Well
Well
All right
Okay
You embarrassed me.
How much time do I have?
So
My friends basement. All right
What are you doing?
Right. There
I think thats the question that you had...
Wow.
All right.
What are you guys doing?
Oh yeah
Good eye - its an oval.   Youre measuring the table.
Do you?
Yup.
Now
We should probably get back.
I didnt have anything
Im sorry. She scares me.  walks away
Whats that?
I actually know a s*x model.
Yep. Yeah. Shes blind
Okay.
Yes.
Oh
Will do.   Ill stop calling.
No
Well
Lets be honest
Oh
Is that... I didnt know that was your... okay
Who else is he mean to?
Mm-hmm.
Hey.
Shes never worn these glasses before.
Well
A formal warning
And no one cared.
Productivity? My numbers are good.
If your client likes Italian food
Yeah
Hi.
He didnt mention me
Thanks
Ive always gotten along well with Toby. Uh
Scared me. Hows the party planning going?
So its going great
Hey.
Thats cool.
Sure!
Good one?   Thats a cool camera.
Okay
Do you honestly believe that?
Im gonna get a second opinion.
Okay
Is Ryan gonna fire me? I dont know. I know that Ive done everything I can
Hey
Why wouldnt you see him? You work for him.
Okay
smiles
Ah
No
Because most of the time
But what have you learned about her?
Nice.
Well
Ill just go later.
So you have the directions.
You have a toothbrush.
You have a cell phone charger.
Come on
What happened?
Call me when you get in.
Bye.
Why havent I proposed yet? Uh
I cant believe Im saying this
I dont really know Ronnie. But I have a feeling I will get to know her very well over the next few years
When Michael told us that Jan was pregnant
All right
All right!
So what is going on
Uh-huh.
Thats not what that is.
I would like to lose 65 pounds.
Cryogenics. Beer me five.
All right
Nope
Maybe put up some shelves.
OK
No.
Hi.
Oh
Some girl came into Pams room crying about her roommate stealing her soy milk. So Im in here waiting it out.
Well thats great.   Youre talking about your court ordered community service?
But he did
All right.
Nope.
Mmm.
How much weight have you lost
No
Probably the weirdest thing about Pam being gone would be lunch... actually. But um
Fair question.
See
Summers going great. Just spent two hours listening to Michael Clump. I have a weird pain in my left side that Im convinced is an ulcer. My girlfriend lives in New York and I havent seen her in 10 days. Hows your summer?
So as it turns out
I know. I suck.
Dwight says Hi.
Now he is saying Hi louder.
Umm...
Hey
OK.
Im gonna write you up for not working.

Hey
Perfect.

I just... couldnt wait.
Pam
So?
Hey
Hey Dwight.
Whats up
Alright. Ill tell everybody here that you say hi.
Why
Ah. That... they might be off the hook for because I... didnt tell them.
I just didnt
OK. You know what? Here we go.   Uh
Nope.
Thank you Angela.
Yes.
To get married.
Yep.
Nice.
Dwight
Jackpot.
starts a stopwatch as Dwight yawns
Oh you had said that you dont do anything personal during work time so... Im just making sure.
Personal conversation. Seventeen seconds.
One second.
Hey
By any chance
Actually not. It was really so-so.
I mean I like all the crazy monsters and stuff. You know
You know
Storys kinda bland. Its about this guy named Dumbledore Calrissian who needs to return the ring back to Mordor.
He has not stopped working for a second. At 12:45 he sneezed while keeping his eyes open
19 minutes and 48 seconds. What were we doing for 19 minutes and 48 seconds?
So I guess I can assume that was personal.
So maybe youre not completely ethical after all.
Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor. And Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now
Right
Oh. Right
OK...
Wait
OK.
No... way!
Ha ha. Thats hilarious?
Who
Uh...
OK
Jan enters the office
What do we have here?
Really...
Hey! You busy?
OK
The song is about losing your virginity next to a church
Oh. OK
Hey
Hey
You must be out or something.
Is it me
Hope you didnt have any major laundry issues.
Remember that time that I helped you do your laundry and that crazy guy came in and started yelling at you?
Yet here you are
Wish you were home. Uh
I miss you.
We were robbed last night.
So apparently Pam went out last night
Im on minute six of this message.
The future mother of my children.
Do you need us for any of this?
5 dollars.
I can see that.
Another round
Hey man.
Oh
Im good. How you doing?
Yeah
Oh
Shes
Yeah
Shes engaged
Oh
Yeah
What?
I am going to see Pam. Because I feel like I should.
driving
Dave.
You are?   A cat?
Oh
Hey New York
Oh
All right. Well see.   No.
I am off to New York. My brother Pete from Boston
Hey
Good to see you.
All right so now we can sit... and get comfortable.
Thats not really true. Theres a lot of things you can do with an art degree actually.
Wow
Oh wow. This is my niece Vanessa. Shes a trumpeter. And
That must be really fun for you and Marci huh?
Love that one.
Here you go again! What is your deal today?
One.
Half.
Also good.
Pete couldnt make the Mets. Shes at Pratt. You played JV baseball. Will you lighten up a little bit?
Pam
Guys
Well
That is good.
Truthfully anything would have been better than that prank.   Oh
Yeah
You wouldnt tell your mom?
Those reports affect our bonuses
Aww.
Testing
Nope.
You must be really proud.
Oh
OK. Or maybe I could finish the coffee thats in here and you could use   uh
How can you even be sure?
Make the face.   Yeah
Wow. That was Dwight. He seems upset about something.
It is... more of a spicy brown
How was your meeting with Michael?
Was it your scores?
Mm-hmm.
Of course.
Absolutely. Or you could just be nice to your customers.
Theres the charm.
That is me. Wish me luck.
Thanks.
I love you
Im not talking to you.
What?
Did my scores drop a little?
Are we even sure thats my file?
Well
Yeah.
I think you mean smug
Michael
I need a decent bonus
A little bit. ... Worth it.
Microgement.
Hello?
Wow
Wow
I am Bill Buttlicker.
How dare you? My family built this country
Would you hold on one second? Thats my other line.
Hello?   No
Sorry. That was a family emergency.
You know what? Thats private.
Sorry
Youre gonna have to talk louder.
Son
Louder
Now
The three words I would describe you as is aggressive
Im irate right now.
Well
Well
Michael
There is one condition
You have to fire the salesman that treated me so terribly.
Dwight. Dwight.
Are you serious?
OK
Whats that?
Whos they?
In this car?
What are you thinking?
The mob
Is there some evidence?
How many shoes do you need?
Im not talking to you.
Pam.
No
: OK.
Easy.
Lets just -- Lets head back to the desk.
Good one.
Hey. Sorry about Dwight
Well
Hey
Bye.
What was?
No
I dont think so.
Hey
Yeah?
Do you have any reason to believe that Kelly would be mad at me?
Wait
Well
No. What party?
I wasnt. But thank you.   Do you know anything about this party?
Well
walks quickly to break room
Dwight
Is that it?
OK
Probably just Kelly.
Thats what Im saying.
You were right.
You were right.
You knew it.
You knew it the whole time
Wow.
No
We called about a dozen customers
Whos that?
Oh
Thats it. I want to talk to this guy. Put me in his ear.
Im gonna make a bigger leap here. He is into you.
Dont.
Why are you telling us this?
Where are you going?
Where is it?
Okay.
Six point five days.
Pam comes back from New York next week and everyone here has just been so excited for me. And involved. And intrusive. And weird.
Are you sure?
Wow. I thought you were good at Flash.
Okay
W---Wow. Um. Well... okay.
Its not--- Its not about me. I mean
And you went to New York to do this. So when you come back you come back the right way. Right?
You okay?
Okay.
Alright.
Love you too.  hangs up phone
How does everyone know already?
Excuse me?
Im gonna grab a cup of coffee.
Thanks man.
I missed you.
Welcome back.
So why did you come in here?
Why is that
Shes probably going to
Toby works here again.
Oh no.
You dont know.
You should probably just meander back there  take a look. See if hes
Yeah
Thats really not cool.
Yeah
Todays a big day. Todays the day that I show Pam the house that I bought for us. Without telling her. But its my parents house
Could you guys all do me a favor and not talk about this until I tell Pam?
Oh thanks
Oh
Definitely we should.
Mmhmm
Oh totally. Sorry
No.
Im always this close.
Yes
Hey
Cool.
I have a surprise for you. All right
I bought it. Its ours. Lets go inside
So Im still in the process of converting the garage. Its got great light in here and Im thinking
You do?
Really?
Oh my God...
Yeah
No
Yeah
Uh
Ever since Pam and I started dating
You have to make the decision.
Hey.
Mmhmm.
Oh
Yeah.
Beesly
Okay.
Whew.
Woah
Mind if I join?
All right.
Lets go.
Lets do it.
Where we going?
Michael
Ahh... I got you some tiramisu. No hard feelings.
Yeah.
You look really pretty.
You might want to consider changing teams
Yeah?
There they are.
You got it.
Okay.
Oh!
We have that going out Tuesday... Okay? Sure
Let me call you right back. Okay.
Wait
Truce?
Yeah
Happy Holidays
Five minutes actually. I am a black belt in gift wrapping.
I think itll take you a little longer than that.
Ah. You brought in your doll collection.
Thats the Christmas spirit.
Yes.
I will grant you one wish.
Stupid. Everyone knows to ask for a hundred more wishes.   Dumb.
What is it?
Wow
Cant believe no ones thought of that.
Oh
Ah... would you want to do it on Groundhogs day?
Thats cool.
Well what if we cant do it quickly.
Yeah.
Yeah
Michael
Theyve been in there for 45 minutes.
Hey.
Do you take requests?
Please stop. People are having a Christmas party.
You did not know it.
Everyone knew some of it.
You knew it.
She knew it.
No
No
Nothing.
Why dont... Lets...
How about we just... Just have to talk to you for a second...
Ahh!
No
I know.
Andy still doesnt know that Angelas having an affair with Dwight. And its been seventeen days. I mean
We cant figure that out.
No.
Please stop.
When?
This is really not how this is supposed to happen.
Stop. What?
Okay
This shouldnt happen at work.
And!
This shouldnt be coming from his boss. And we should also consider the fact that that man has an anger issue.
Well its not too late
But youre leaving...
What are you standing for?
Youre not going to do anything to his neck or his groin.
Dwight
You okay
Hey guys
Nope.
Okay
Hey. It is my business when it happens at work.
So

Thanks Meredith.
Dwight! Are your legs broken?
Andy
Looks like a red wire.
Well its a computer Dwight
Doesnt it?
Dwight
I got 500 feet of red wire at a flea market up by Dunmore High School. 20 bucks for the whole spool. Crazy
Guys
Okay
No one cares. Who thinks that Hillary Swank is hot
Thank you
I think all of us have a tendency to view celebrities as sort of mythical figures
Kevin
OH!
Im saying
Back door.
Okay
What?!
No
No. Michael. Michael.
Michael! Michael!
Hows that gonna help you?
Right.
And we dont know how.
Punishment fits the crime.
Whats going on?
Uh
I mean
You couldnt of memorized that?
Gimme a break.
Can you believe this?   He was pretty talkative at breakfast.
Hey.
Mmm... nope
What?
Mmm...
Im ok
Dont open your eyes.
What?
Oh my God. Pam
Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce
Several times a day
Do ya?
Ok. Remember Spider face?
OK. Cause the quote was
Yeah... yep.
Yep. Youre being replaced.
He just sent a text...
So what did he say? Was it my fault?
You ok?
Are you alright?
This morning the phone guy comes in


Thats pretty funny. Hey you know what? Did I drop my
What the heck? Is that
I didnt
All right.
front door slams
Whoa! What was that all about.
Go ahead.
Okay.
Basically after Phyllis blackmailed Angela
Just
Party planning is literally the stupidest thing I have ever done in my life.
So this is fun.
We just wanted to say we are very sorry.
Guys guys guys guys guys guys. We just want to make it up to you. What can we do?
Okay.
Are you kidding?
Dwight. This
What is that?   It is your birthday period.
Not even an exclamation point?
I cant believe how bad this looks.
Okay
I am working on it.
Six dollars.
I said I was working on it.
How olds Kelly?
Its Mose. Who do you think it is?
Look
Do you think Im calling you for your best approximation?
So I am collecting $3 from everybody. For Kellys party.
Oh

Hey! What the hells goin on?
What?
Yep.
Got it.
Hey
Hey
And... ta da.
How do you hate it? Its a cake.
Right.
I forgot if there was an e between the l and the y. I still dont know.
Birthday.
Okay
Okay
Hey
You know what? I could use a little help.
We have a lot to do
Youve been making that sign
Im not writing
Okay
Look
Okay
Actually
Didnt see that one coming.
Not a surprise.
What?! You have a cake. You have a delicious cake
You havent heard our theme
Thats the best part. That represents a pillow
Because the fun part is
Yeah?
No.
All right.
Ahem. This is for you... and   ...Happy Birthday
Thanks.
Michael Scott
Nice to meet you
Jimbo!
Ayyyy!
Ayyyy!
Youre only engaged once. Well present company excluded
Yeah.   Shes fine.
Theyre for her to look at
Yes
Oh
I understand that.
Uh
We do.
That sounds fun.
I have a lot of work to do this afternoon. Those mines arent gonna sweep themselves.
Oh yeah
No way
Yikes.
No. Bob
That is a lie
But! That girl mustve had monstrous hands because the holes fit.
Nobody asked
I think if you ordered hot food youre allowed to eat.
Look at that. Bob ordered hot food.
We should help him out.  Jim and Pam each take a French fry
Here they come.
No
Oh great
Well they didnt dine so
We were.
Empty.
Oh boy.
OK.
So...
Oh initially I did.
Ding Dong.
KGB.
Ding dong.
Ding dong.
The KGB will wait for no one!
We own our own delivery trucks. We could lease them out on the weekends --
Free paper.
What are you doing?
Why dont you just go out on a date with her? Try to spark up an on going joke and then in a month or two
What power?
Well guys with girlfriends dont.
Hey
Ill take that down right now.
Im on the phone.
Hold on one second.
Its actually Blue Cross from Pennsylvania.
Hold on one sec. Hold on one sec
How do you not spread out the tickets into different shipments?
OK...
...well Im going to call corporate to make sure that they know I didnt lose half my sales.
So
Absolutely not
Good one.
All Im saying is that its a first dates
No
No
You cannot take the fall for him.
He can do the same for you. Right now. By getting fired instead of you. So what are you gonna do?
There it is.
You
And you know what? I even made fun of you when you dressed up as Willy Wonka to pitch this idea and for that I apologize.
Yeah
Who is it?
Alright. I just got out of the shower
Yeah
If you want to come back then
I get back from work around 6.
You can try. That
Alright.
I dont know. Is it classy enough?
I just feel like after fifteen years at this company
And of course
Last week
Thats it. Or Mr. Peanut.
Oh
Ok
Thats inspired.
De classé.
Hey.
Really wish you would have told me the new boss was coming today.
Nope. I mean
Hey
I didnt think youd notice.   Uh
Oh
Jim Halpert
I thought itd be funny.
Thanks
No
You pet the animals and they pet you back.
Hey.
Alright
Second-in-command to Michael.
Oh
Assistant regional manager
No
Alright
Yep.
See ya. See ya.   Bye!
And for my next trick
About a week ago
You called any headhunters?
Right
Its Monster dot com. Singular.
Yeah... .you want me to come in your office? Oh.
I would prefer not to.
Youre starting your own paper company?
Why?
Do you know the industry is in decline?
Right.
No
Okay.
I am not gonna do this.
And you are not going to
Heres the thing. What I wish for you is that you land a job at a company that A
Hey.
Nothing
I didnt... no.
I did have a chance to think about it
Well it is tempting but I am 100% leaning towards something else.
What?
What? Pam!
Pam! You cant be serious.
Still no.
Michael
Ill bring your stuff home. Okay
You gonna answer that
Charles is having Kevin cover the phones for a while. How do I say this diplomatically?   I think Kevin is doing exactly as well as anyone might have expected someone like him to perform in a position like that.
No.   Stay there. Kev
It is transfer
Here we go.
Kev
Would you please stop that?
Youre breathing very heavily.
No its not.
Oh no. I was just -
... Yes.
Ive never been a kiss up. I - its just not how I operate. I mean
Uh
Its cause Im more of a player.
You bet.
Well I do.
I play.
Well
Maybe we will someday.
Yeah.
Lets... eh... see ya.
Yep
Oh
Yikes.
Aw
Oh! Goal!
Aw
Left.
Forward
Striker!
Alright! Lets do it.
Kickoff.   My strategy is to touch the ball as little as possible. Chalk it up to teamwork.   Alright!
What?
Okay
Im sorry
LOVE the hair.
You realize youre not actually talking to me
The new receptionist is also named Kelly. So Kelly Kapoor has decided to hover around my desk
Hi!
Sure!
Okay.
What the hells a rundown?
When did you need that rundown by?
Okay.
Yeah. Gotcha. Of course. Im gonna dive in. To the rundown. Ill be exhausted cause its like a triathlon.   Do you want to close this? Close
Hey dude
Uh
This rundown better be really good?
Charles asked me to do this rundown of all my clients.
No. I cant. It was like
Oh
I will get back to the rundown
Hey you know what? Do you have a rundown that I could take a look at
Keeping it simple -thats what Im doing. But I am working hard on this one. Real hard.
No. Not too hard. Not harder than I should.
No
Hey!
Okay.
Theres the rundown you asked for. I may have expanded some areas that you werent prepared for.
Yeah sure. You want to look at it first?
No. No
The one I have. Ill use the one I have.
Just faxing. My Dad. A rundown.
Andy put down a bunch of deposits on stuff for his wedding with Angela
Anyway
I am extremely interested. So
I think she just didnt want a crucifix cake.
Am I going down a road?
Its so scary how right the things youre saying are. And youre coming at it with almost no knowledge
I was going to use today to purge my inbox
Hey
-I just dont know if I can do it.
Its just that Pam gets me through the day
You know that I was doin this.
Okay.
I just totally blew a sales call.
Yeah
Why? When I look in the mirror
Forget it.
I said forget it.  drop kicks lunch across room
Oh
Hey.
Okay.
Two things I need you to understand. One
And two
Oh
Hey
makes kissing
Now
Really? Does he do good work or--
Hey. I saw you called.
Oh
Oh
Good
Oh
Now
Oh
Oh
I mean I guess-- I guess I could go down there and try to nudge them in the right direction.
Okay
Hey
Actually here for something else.
You know I love a good guessing game
David Wallace has asked me to come down here and see if you would be interested in Dunder Mifflin buying you out.
Oh!
Oh! See Im here to learn as little information as possible. All I really need to hear is if your incredibly successful company would be receptive to a buyout.
Three yeses. I will see you titans of industry upstairs.
Missed the last part.
Got it.
Great work Dwight.
No
What are your top five cases?
Because youve solved zero cases.
Got it.
Can you give us a hint?
Can I address that?
Okay.
Of course. What is like a hostage?
Strongly-painted picture.
Can I just say something? I know that tempers are high
Great. See you upstairs.
Hey
Yeah
This is awkward to talk about
I know. Yeah
Thats true. Thats right. Yeah.
Well
Im just hiding out until all this stuff blows over. With Creed. Playing chess. At work. Hes winning. I feel like Im describing a dream I had.
Oh
Then why would you want to set me up with your daughter?
Sure. Let me just finish this turn.
I dont want to be biased
Eh
Well
Cons
He definitely stole my iPod.
You didnt hear my pros. Environmentally-conscious cause his mom drives him to work everyday.
Mm-hmm.
Thats not true.
I think shed be a really good salesperson.
And I wont.
All right. Youre right
Take it easy.
Not cool.
There are other reasons to go to Ohio.
So
Ok. So
Very expensive. Cause you say you want a small wedding and thats great but then you have to invite -
No one.
Ok. Right. Oh
That makes sense.
waiting outside the bathroom for Pam
You ready?
We should probably stop by. Itd mean a lot to him.
Were gonna stay.
Yeah. At least for one more dance.
Yes.
Me
Me
Yeah.
Michael had chicken potpie for lunch. Actually
Okay
Three
All right
Yeah.
Wait
Come on
I had this huge spider in my baseball mitt.
Oh
Well...
Hey
Yeah.
I dont get it. Hes not even my boss anymore.
No
Well
Nice job
You all right?
You sure?
Hey
All right
No
All right
Yeah
Oh
This... is Parkour.  turns laptop to camera
Well
Wait
No shotgun... cause that changes everything.
What are you gonna do about it? Theres no shotgun
You have to stop this.
I did. From you. You gotta stop telling people.
Do you know if its true? Do you have any idea? Because you might be ruining his life.
Youre gonna regret that when you find yourself between a moose and her cubs.
Oh
Yep.
Are you... interested in her guy friends?
Okay.
Really.
Well you gotta figure this out.
Yeah!
You gotta have s*x with a woman.
And a man.
And then compare.
Yep.
On what?

Can I talk to you for a second?
So
I didnt tell anyone! Who did you tell?
Hey
Yeah
Michael
Michael...
That Pams pregnant.
Okay. Thank you.
Four months.
Nope.
Thank you for trying to defend her. But actually
If everyone would like to see proof.
Michael
I did. It was inconclusive.
Dont take it.
You cant do this.
That sounds terrible.
gets up to leave room
hangs up Michaels phone
Sure.
Ah
Who was that?
No
I didnt tell Michael because I thought hed try to help. Example
Sure.
When you were in the office earlier talking to Wallace
Why dont we head in your office to talk?
Michael
Michael
Really?
You will? Wanna do it right now?
I tried to keep Michael in the dark. I should have known that he can do just as much damage in the dark.
How many times have I asked you to put me up for a branch manager job.
So instead
No.
Hi David.
Wow
Thank you.
Ah
No
Im sorry to hear about that. Who is this about?
Okay. Just want to let you know I take complaints very seriously. So... When did this happen?
Okay. And how do you feel?
All right. Did he hit you?
Did you cry?
Did you feel like crying?
Im just gonna write held back tears.
If you stop crying
Michael...
Can I talk to you in my office for a second?
I have noticed that we--
Thank you. Ive noticed weve been having a lot of conference room meetings.
And Im wondEring if perhaps those are a bit
Yes.
Okay
Okay. Yesterday
I am.
Right.
Yes
I just think that maybe theyre eating large amounts of the day.
You mean on a weekend?
How about this? I think our goal should be we dont have meetings unless theyre absolutely essential.
Really? You just agreed to that?
walks in
Really? Hey
Stanley?
Okay
Michael
Thats not what I meant.
I disagree.
Great. Guys
That is not what I said
Thats exactly what Wallace told us.
Im not bossing you around. Im trying to do my job
Hey
Which will clearly affect the day-to-day well-being of our employees.
David
Nope
Alright
You dont have to lie.
Right.
Alright. Lets get started.
Do you mean
Okay. You know what would help is a pros and cons list for our options.
Its hard to tell so far.
Im sorry
You just came up with that.
Yeah. Okay
Con-- no one gets as much as they did last year.
Pro-- no favoritism.
Ive been studying Michael for years
You know
I know. I just think it seems smart to keep the salesmen happy right now. Course I know that this might come off as biased
Im not gonna let you stop me from thinking.
Michael.
Look
I think that you are able to take constructive criticism very well.
But there is a reason why Im here!
No
I dont think youre good at making tough decisions!
At thinking out the options
But maybe Im here for a reason

Could I have everyones attention
Look
Ooh
Really what it is
Okay
Wow! Im just gonna rewind and back off a bit
Thank you
Rank each person individually?
Well
Nope. Im numbering the paper.
Its going really well
to camera
Hes not a part of this. You know that.
Okay
Here we go.
Okay
I was just trying to be unbiased.
Uh
Six. You?
I mean
We tried to find the fairest way to do it.
I just-- what?
Michaels my only friend left in the office. Except Pam... I think. Is she still upset?
Thank you.
Whats in here?
Ooh!
We would really appreciate it.
It is really special.
Well
Believe it or not
No. This is a fire cracker free wedding.
Absolutely. Cause not everyone knows and some people may be offended.
Thats nice.
Good-bye.
Yeah?
Oh
Click. Oh
Lousy Picture.
Niagara Falls used to be
And Beesly. Tonight were in two seperate rooms and tomorrow night is the honeymoon suite.
I know. Were pretty excited
I dont like that.
Dad
Mom
Michael
Pretty sure everyone heard that.
Mr. Beesly. How are ya?
Oh. Is this
No.
Alright. Hey
Aw
Ive been driving stick since high school. So... yes. For a really long time thats all I had. I just had little moments with a girl who saw me as friend. And a lot of people told me I was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl who I worked with
Pam cant drink? I didnt-- I shouldnt have said that. I dont know why I did. She can do whatever she wants
Michael.
Oh
Alright.
To waiting.
I cant believe it was me.
Is there something about being a manager that makes you say stupid things?
Im so sorry.
Oh
What?
What?
What?
Look
Uh...
And Dwight.
Pam
I love you. Okay
No. Lets talk for a long time.
Thats not how that works.
I may have told some people that. Im nervous. Im about to get married.
Hey!
Is this allowed?
Wow. You look--
So beautiful.   Hey--
Hey. You look just as I imagined you would. Pam
And who cares? Its a stupid veil
There. Now were even.  Pam laughs and mimes taking a picture
Well we are here now
You look great.
I bought those boat tickets the day I saw that You Tube video. I knew wed need a back-up plan. The boat was actually Plan C. The church was Plan B and Plan A was marrying her a long
Hello?
Oscar! Uh
Look
Hello?
Michael?
How did you get this number? Michael
That sounds bad.
Im gonna help you through it all right?
All youre gonna need to   and- it- and then go to--
And then youll be saved.
Just   and then youll be saved.
A- ah--
And youll be saved.
I   at the Bermuda Triangle. An- M- please dont call again.
It was.
Really was.
Puerto Rico was awesome.
Frank and Beans.   Always makes her laugh.
Nope.
Do we have a conversation scheduled?
Wow
Its a real handsome duck.
Well
What?
Youre messing with me.
You did not have s*x with Pams mom.
What kind of car does she drive?

Oh my God.   Oh my God.
Okay
Oh my God.
Not now
Okay
No
Dont call her the mom.
Then take a different way home
Okay
Frank and beans!
You know what? Can I have the weekend to decide?
You know what
No
Uh
Yes
Just take the parrot.
Okay
Dont-
Sounds complicated.
Who wants a hot chocolate?
Oh
Andy
holding up a sign that reads
I am gonna need your advice  starts playing loud opera music
Really?
I was gonna go with this one.
And whoever comes up with the best idea gets a $50 gift certificate to the restaurant of his or her choice.
Yes! Angela! Please...
Yes! I think we should look into that. If you could just speak up louder...
Yes.
Nothing... nothing at all... its all good!
Barely
Hey...
Yep...
Dwight
Hi buddy.
A wooden duck?
Okay
Silence.
I wont. But
Hey Pam
Yes
Remember that older couple whose kids were also named Jim and Pam?
Well
Yeah... maybe.
Youre not
We are doing a haunted house this Halloween. Which is actually kinda spooky because
Yes. I am the popular social networking site known as Book Face.
Wow.
I bet we would.
Cool.
Mmm-hmm.
Who doesnt?
Oh. Actually
That is a mistake.
Alright. Lets clear this up.   Well
Great. See ya then.
They said that they would feel more comfortable if you came along.
I absolutely dont understand
Alright.
Sure. Michaels a good teacher. A teacher is someone who stands right next to you your whole life and never lets you do anything. Thats what a teacher is
Dave.
Dave.
Yeah. Ive spoken to them on the phone.
Yes
No thanks.
Mmm-hmm.
...and paper.
Nope. No.
Hes trying to micro-co-manage me... or co-micro... manage... me.
I outran it.
Ill just leave that suit in your office then.
Mmm... its like Michael said. It was some- something else.
Truthfully
Ok. Great meeting
I think you just gotta ride this one out
No
Maybe if you make fun of yourself itll all go away.
Really? Do it. I am a big
See?
Mm... Im
Whoa
What happened to Do Not Mock?
That will inevitably lead to mocking. So...
Guys. Michael cant handle this and as your boss Im saying were not watching it.
What are you doing?
No.
See what?
Oscar
Oh... man. I thinke when I started to see you go in I think I just froze.
Its a killer new dance move.   Do you wanna talk in your office?
I didnt ask you.   Would you like to talk?
I shouldve grabbed you. Im sorry. Look
Hes alright.
Thanks Michael.
Oh man
Rarely. If ever. Let me give it a whirl. Ill talk to them.
Thats okay.
Its my pleasure.   Hello? Well thats great.   Turns out the paper was there all along.
Pams sales are fine actually.
Wow.
Oh
Definitely Grandma.
Penny for your thoughts.
Wow.
Shel Silverstein.
You set the bar so high.
Okay
Stop.
Hey.
Inappropriate.
All the time.
Yeah.
She wants it bad Michael.
I can.
And I dont support her choice to hit you.
But at the same time she looks crazy and I do understand her reasoning.
I just need some time.
I just need some time. Just give me some time to make a decision.
No more than a week. Maybe two weeks.
Feel better?
Once a year Dwight holds a seminar updating us on the newest developments in the world of karate... because as we all know
OK
OK
So lets just say that Dwight has come at you with the throat punch. Now how would you
And what if he comes at you with the other hand
Oh my God
You two are so evenly matched I dont know how one of you is going to get the upper hand.
Are you serious?
Michael in his office playing music loudly
Listen
Thats it.
That rhymes
Alright
Sure Im a little nervous
Customers have to use the coupon code from the website. And as of now there is no differentiation between the letter O and the zero
OK
Hey
I thought we agreed that we wouldnt do things like this.
Co-managing is a give and take. You have to pick your battles. One of the battles that I picked was to stop Michael from running plastic tubes all over the office and placing hamsters inside of them. He was going to call it Tube City. So
And what Designing Woman are you basing that on?
OK
OK
Alright guys
Oh
No
Or maybe hes just stuck in character.
Both. Theyre both worse.
Its going to be alright. Were a good company
Michael
Michael
Michael
Caleb!
Today of all days...
Ill take it.
Hey David.
Oh
Sure. Oh
OK.
See ya.
Nothing yet.
Well there is some bad news.   There has been another murder.
Conference room everyone.
No.
I think today was a good day to have two managers. Cause if youre a family stuck on a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean
Andy revealed himself to be a double agent. At which point Dwight felt comfortable revealing that he also was double agent. And then Michael announced to everybody that - get this- he was a double agent. Oh
Michael
Yeah
Five years ago
The next year he really stepped things up.
A year after that Recylcops really began to take shape.
Then tragedy struck Recyclops when his fictional planet was attacked by some other fictitious thing... I cant remember.
I think this was also the year he renounced Earth Day and vowed to the destroy the planet he once loved.
Mmm.
God bless you
Hey
But if the company doesnt go under then well finally have all our contacts in one program.
Could go either way.
Maybe we should just wait and find out.
Ok.
Nah. Might as well do it now.
Hey
Ok. You shouldnt be telling me that stuff and also shouldnt be taking two hour lunches without telling me.
I care about them and Im just as much of a boss as Michael.   Whats so funny? Im a co-manager.
Well - who? How did you? Who
Ok. Who else has heard the rumor that I am not as much in charge as Michael?
Who here heard it from Ryan?
Yes.
I am just as much of a boss as Michael and I can do anything that Michael can do. Alright? Who here believes that I have as much power as Michael?  Pam
I gotta make an example out of him. Should I just fire him?
To be honest
Oh
Well
Hey
Mmm-hmm.
Simple data entry
You know what?
I think I know the problem.
I think you seem distracted.
But
I am
I think this is really gonna help. If you could just hold up here one second.   Hey
Let me show you what I mean.   Your new office. How great is that
Right.
Youre a good kid. You know what? It gets bigger once youre in there. Enjoy it.
Wait
Wow
Hmm
Wow
Anything else?
Hey. Whats up?
Did you murder someone?
I think shes okay.
Great. Hey
Youre not in it at all
It would look bad. Sorry.
Not much.
Thanks Dwight.
Youre creeping me out. Im gonna go.
Let me guess
Well
Okay
Thats okay
Okay
Okay
Guys
Will everybody stop for a second
Dwight?
No
Look
Okay.
Guys
Okay. That is me
This is Jim.
Hey
So there was a little bit of a miscommunication here today. Its been a little wild
No.
I really dont know how it happened
All right
Yeah. Thank you.
Yes.
See you.
See you tomorrow
Too loud.
Too
Yeah.
This is all we have.
No
Why would you start so high?
Three
No.
We didnt
Pam!
Yes.
Hey
Yeah.
Yeah I told her a long time ago she could do it.
No
I think shes doing a good job.
Im not gonna go tell Phyllis that she cant be Santa.
Im trying Phyllis. Youre Santa.
Thats what I want.
What would Bob do?
Hey hey hey. Everything okay?
Can I just talk to you for a second?
You cant yell out I need this
Yup.
Michael
Great!
Who wants Phyllis as Santa?
And if you want Michael as Santa
No.
Not great. You heckled Santa for an hour and a half.
What?
What?
Wait wait wait
What?
Michael
Okay. We havent gone under. Weve been sold and that can mean many different things.
No
Oh my God
Oh my God!
Co-manager
Trained. Loving it. Good at it. So...
Thank you. Hey
Well
Turns out
But if not
So youve been shown a nonsensical video. Youre probably wondering
Ok
Oh. Adorable
I just walked in on someone in the bathroom.
I dont know. I dont know.
I dont know
Jerry.
This is great. Got to confess
No
Do it.
We should just go. Hes really uncomfortable.
What if we just bring it up? We just put it out in the open?
All right.
There was one thing we were curious about
Oh
What?
Did it? It might have come up while we were waiting for you.
No.
Oh
Anybody could have walked in.
Whoa
Ill take over. Um
Alright.
No.
I dont think so.
I... Why would you just say something like that?
Do you even know what that means?
Um...
This is way more than I make now.
I dont think Im gonna miss being manager. You know how some people say theyre not in it for the money? Well
Hey
Actually
Exactly that. I think that you absolutely deserve the manager position more than I do.
Yeah!
Really.
No
Why would you do that?
Mm!
You gotta do something
What is that?
Oh. Im fine. Thank you
Why would I wanna do that?
For now
Yeah. Thank you.
Hey.
Well
Well
For the record
Hey
Thats it. I think we should do it the Lethal Weapon way.
Michaels saying hes better at being manager
Alright.
Yep.
Hey
Yeah
Not to mention the extra nights sleep in the hospital will be very nice because once we bring the baby home
Michael.
Michael
Hmm
Because the insurance company only covers two nights.
Thats seven minutes. Here we go. This is happening. Come on.
Are you serious? Pam.
I... Pam
Okay
So
Okay
Well not until Friday 20% off toner cartridges
You know
Okay
Oh! Oh
Okay
Alright.
Nope
Mm-hmm. Okay
Great. I will do that. Sorry
No
Oh
I know Pam better than anyone in this office
Hey.
Ah
Yeah? ... Oh.
Did you say she?
Mad? How could I be mad? Were having a little girl.
Wow
Woo
Yeah.
Alright... Hey
Oh. Oh...
Alright. Time to go. Okay.
Lets give it a shot.
Hey
Pam
Come on
Pam.
You know what? Lets go. We got to go to the hospital.
Hey
If anyone can do this
Pam
The best news is
A really awesome baby.
So lets have it at the hospital.
How are we doing on contractions?
Two minutes...
Michael
No
We waited too long! Two minutes doesnt do us any good. Well
Alright
Alright
Go bags in the car... Keys
Okay
Okay
Alright
Michael
Okay.
Okay. I know
Okay
Pam
Wait
Michael
Pams doing great. Uh
Okay.
Doing great
No
Oh
No
Her name is Cecelia Marie Halpert.
Shes seven pounds
Hey
Great.
Oh. Let me get it.
I am a diapering master. I have done little else in the past two months. There is nothing I cannot diaper. Go ahead. Try to think of something. I dare you.
Ready?
Its so weird
We were just kids. What did we know?
Great.
I think well be okay.
Ready? One
I cant. Shes too strong. Shes
I got it. Alright.
Nurse!
How you doing?
Really?
Well
Wasnt it... Its kinda like a... Like that.
I think youre good. Doing a good job.
Oh! Really? Must have sat on it
Alright.
Its going to be alright.
Ha ha. No
Oh
Careful... Wow
You see that? Im pretty sure shes... Hi.
Yup. Really great. Whens she available?
Are you sure it doesnt hurt?
Yup.
Yeah.
Perfect.
I think she will.
Well figure it out.
Thank you.
Please do.
What?
Oh
No need. I saw him do it. I can try it.
Okay
Hmm?
Okay. Sshh. I know.
Thats amazing.
Thats awesome.
thats great.
Mm-hmm.
Hey.
What?
Okay
Perfect.
Ha ha ha.
We definitely are. At 3:00
Half hour.
Yes
Newsflash
Or it could be a half hour
Are you really sure we should be leaving?
But you hear the baby crying
Uh
Right
Five tickets on the windshield... Hey.
You used my move
Oh
Hey...
What do we got here?
Of course.
Hm hm.
Okay.   Just gotta...
Morning!
No.
No.
No-no-no-no-no.
swats over various photos and knickknacks
Good Lord!   I cant believe Im missing this.
Okay. Love you. Well talk soon.
It is. Big time.
Pretty amazing.
Oh its tough being here for a lot of reasons.
Is that what happened to you?
Thats a common mistake.
And Im actually pleased to be able to offer you printer cartridges and toner now.
What?
Right.
Yeah thats great. Great.
Whens the last time you upgraded your printer?
Please stop that!
Can you grow up?
Whether its this time or next time.
Yeah.
No
You know
That would be great
No
I am not surprised that Dwights using my baby to steal my desk. Im a little surprised that its working.
Hey Jo
You know I will. And by the way
Okay.
Thanks again by the way.
Yeah. We should be able to have that right over to you by Monday. Yeah no problem.   Thank you.
Oh!
No
Oh my God. Were going to have to re-name it then arent we?
No.
Is he you?
Where did you take that?
Oh my God
Sure. That they should do one.
Whos that?
John Dillinger.
Captain Crunch.
At the Yankees game. Yeah.
I had a little better reason to believe that... Youre right. Youre right. Well
...in your condo complex.
M. Night Shulman?
Oh
This is actually a big potential sale
You writing your name over there?
Thats good. You know
Alright
Michael -   Great.
Whatd you get?
Alright!
Hey.
So Im going to go ahead and save you some time
Alright. So why dont you just give me my share of the leads
Hey
Ahh
I dont think you understand -
This ones a map.
I am currently reading incoherent riddles on blue index cards to find vital information that Michael has hidden all over the office. How are you?
Oh my god
Having a baby is as exhausting as they say it is. Having two babies   - thats just unfair.
How about this one - When arrogant salesmen are mean to my face
I love you.
Michaels stupid scavenger hunt.
Lincoln.
It involves you too.
Phew! Cant wait for this day to be over.
Just all the - drama.
Between the - us and you guys. Its unnecessary
Oh
I have new baby pictures.
Shes wearing a onesie  holds out his cell phone
Didnt we kind of start it?
Can we at least all agree that this is uncomfortable
I dont think we need opposed.
Ill text Pam. Shes really good at this stuff.
Pam texted back saying we could give them all iPods.
Alright. Then were back to cash. And I got to say
No
No
Yes! We do.   Eclairs.
- two percent milk! What I forgot for the coffee.
I made a sale.
19.   I had a really hard work out this morning.
Wow.
I would love
Good one.
Absolutely
I gotta tell you
So some of the co-workers were thinking of going out tonight
I did not see this coming.
Okay.
Why?
Youve been gone for a long time.
Easy.
Oh
Would you like to be our fourth?
All right.
So what do you think?
About Julie?
Yeah.
So you like her?
So Pam was right?
About you two hitting it off.
Hey
You want to just make a run for it?
What is happening?
Michael
Wow. Maybe we should tell her that hes not normally like this.
Maybe it should come from a note... with flowers...tomorrow.
It stopped.
All right.
See ya. Nice girl.
You all right?
Actually
I literally did not know that existed until this moment.
Whats up?
Dwight
Oh
Sorry
I think you need to go a little easy. You cant just suspend someone form work.
And I got to take this bad attitude
Yeah
Buenos dias
All right
Yeah
Thats a good point.
Yeah I think we have complimentary strengths. We understand each other.
I dont even know who you are anymore.
Oh
How are you?
All right.
So
Hold on one second.
What?
None of this is time sensitive.
No.
Well
Okay. Well
What?
What was that?
Pam
Hey
Uh
Yeah.
Whats that?
I dont... I dont think so.
What if shes just flirting with you to get a better price?
She does not like him.
cause I stopped by your desk like 15 times a day.
Well
It is totally insane.
Nobodys for.
Okay.
What?
Wait.
Michael. Michael.
Michael.
No.
What?
Stop what?
Yeah. Thats what were doing. In our very limited free time and with our very limited budget
Yup. Thats exactly what we did.
Its a pen.
You do?
But you didnt believe any of this was true five minutes ago.
Thats interesting. Wow
Oh
You know Michael
Michael
You should stop this
What?
Wait
Nice effort.
Thats... not okay.
Stanley
So were gonna say the most likely scenerio is that Michael matured overnight?
Exactly. It happened in Big.
Im really too tired to do this.
Then lets just not do this. Do you have any idea the risks involved?
We can order in from Hooters.
Billy Joel Rock Band.
Now youre just being hurtful.
Pam.
Yeah
Sorry about that.
Well
Excellent. Go for it.
Right? So
Now
Ah.
What about an energy drink or something?
Well
A place?
Okay.
So instead of working
Okay.
What was you? You were the leak?
Uh-huh.
Whyd you do that?
Yeah.
Okay
This is a very good idea. This is good. Lets get all the bad ideas out now. Flush them out.
Guys
Really?
I mean
Hey
No... sport.
Hey
Wow
Thats right. The janitor said that. By the way
I think they run through these panels and then down under the map. I wouldnt know for sure cause I dont have a trained ear. Thats why I have to use one of these.
Yep. Wait
Go get em.
What happened to me this summer? Dwight bought the building
Oh
Well
Oh
But youre comparing you and Luke to God and Jesus.
You really think you can make it up to me with food?
Yep. Thats exactly what my first thought was. And then I remembered having a conversation with him where he was like
You follow him on Twitter?
Pam?
I did not do this.
This is impressive.
Do they call you that?
Come on
Oh! Of course there is. Hey
Great.
Pretty good. You must be almost out of water.
Is there really?
Aaah!
Wait. Is this your place Dwight?
Oh... lets take the tour Pam.
These are actually forks and knives from the break room.
Dont beat yourself up.
Who will be watching the children?
Prove it.
Were going to head outside
But Ill tell you this
Did something happen Dwight?
Pam?
Everything is going to be ok.
Youre good... youre good at sales.
Ok
Ok.
Wait
Dwight
Alright.
No
Before me stands your coworker
No
Agreed.
We present to you for your comments and approval
Wish us luck!
Is that what you were here for? A crystal wizard? I like it.
Wait a second. You know you cant buy that now
Thats it.
Stop
Did you just say you remember him?
What does that mean?
Lets just go.
There it is. Alright.
Thats pretty good.
Yes!
Its my own fault-
Really?
For a lot of reasons.
You should actually thank Erin
Everythings fine.
We can relax. Lets get our Sweeney on.
Okay
Oh
Okay
Really
Well
No
Alright
Its like The Hurt Locker!
No
We could put that in orange juice.
Yeah?
Yeah!
That was like
Nope
Am I blocking anybody? Can everybody see?
Good!
Are you sure you once knew how to do this?
Just steer more now.
No! No!
Amazing. How do I look?
Well
Hes not the Steve Nash. Hes big though. Hes kind of like...Scrantons Steve Nash.
Im not doing that. Im just explaining.
Phoenix Suns point guard?
No? Nothin?
Well
Oh
Well
So
No
Tell em.
What? He never called you? I thought you said it just fizzled.
Yeah
Ahhh.
Okay
-Im just gonna watch.
How are ya?
Dwight!
Hey
Listen
Yes.
The big gun thing.   Stop!
No
Nope
Showtime!
No
Is that your office?
A what?
I think you mean The Sting.
Nope. Different movie.
Meredith was the perfect choice to play the head of the company. Her lunch break lined up with our appointment with Danny and...thats it. Thats really all we were looking for.
Meredith Van Helsing?
Okay. But what is he more famous for?
You know this isnt real TV
Okay
We gotta get someone else in there right now.
Youre an exec at Pennsylvania Solartech and-
What do you mean?
Will you stop? Stop it
So youre taking over. You just gotta get her out of there as soon as you can.
Yes.
Exactly. You can do this.
Stop it! Its gonna be great.
And listen if anything else happens
Who else we got?
Great. Sounds awesome. Just have him pitch to you.
No
No
Michael
You hired him?
Did ya?
Im just kidding. She told me about it.
Oh.
Dwight
Hey
I dont know.  looks at Stanley
Stanley just drank OJ out of my mug
Stop.
Sounds like someones really trying to convince us that hes not the Scranton Strangler.
I am Popeye!
Ive never really been a costume guy. Even when I was a kid
So four years ago
Thats right.
Yikes.
Oh
No. No
I dont care.
Madge from the warehouse just made her first sale. Madge. We should have been doing this a long time ago.
That is crazy. We would never care if Andy or Kevin went to your party.
Its not like you guys had some long relationship right? Big painful breakup I dont know about?
Oooh! You cant handle the truth!
We have one question to ask the spirit world and you want us to ask that?
Hey.
When you work hard
Yeah. I mean
Could be. But you also called her the second time so you had the number right.
Nope.
Just tell her the real reason.
Hey. She had a nice time. It seems rude.
Hey
To be honest
Spinach in a can. Power eat spinach.
Stop.
Elaborate.
So by that rationale
sneezes on Dwight
Big day.
Nope.
It is really funny
Ok
Right now?
Okay. All right
whispering
What?
Yes.
This is happening.
No. Theres no extra outfit in the bag.
I did... say that.
Mm. No. Wrong on both counts.
Okay
Hey.
Oh
Yeah.
Huh
Okay
Scones.
I think that was sconesy cider
All right. And cider.
Oh
Uh
Okay.
Hey
I dont know
I dont know. Hey
A small blonde woman?
Uh
Hi.
Hi.   All right. Travel safe
Whats that? Oh
Yeah. Yeah
Some events are so news worthy
Okay?
You play?
You cant even do that.
changes channel during commercial
Oh
Okay...
Hey.
I dont know about
Well I think enemys a strong word. Cause I think we have a really charming back and forth. And-
I dont think thats gonna...
What kind of pizza would you like?
Thats not gonna make your pizza eating experience any better. Trust me.
Okay...
You need to stop talking.
Okay...
Im going home
Im not gonna-  cuts himself off
Uh
Nope.
No.
Okay
Why dont we just call the I.T. Guy who set it up? Whats the name of the guy in Glasses
Im trying everything.
Thats--   the password. Were in.
All right
I am on the first hot sale streak of my life. I think it all comes from feeding Cece
Mm-Kay
What are you talking about? We--we have a commission cap?
A commission cap takes away my incentive to sell. So you realize I now have no reason to work
Nope.
Okay.
Well
Pam. Okay
No.
Yeah
blows a raspberry
Oh
Talk to me.


All right
Why?
whistling
Oh
Well
Which is you.
I disagree with.
Okay
Well on the plus side all this worrying about China has made you smarter than Oscar
Oh God
Oh wow
Yeah
Woah
Around here
Woah
No.
Hes trying to set you up Michael. Whats going to happen is hes going to try and bring up what ever youre talking about in a very casual way
No politics?
Two for two
What do you know about boobs?
Thank you.
Show him how to use it.
Its still on a bike path though right?
What does that mean?
What?
But you didnt fail.
And you didnt fail those things either.
Hey
One Charlies Angels. One. Lets go.
You gotta be kidding me. Who isnt jumping?
Whys it smell real?   Ah... good one.
Hey
Jim goes outside
Well
Youve got something on your nose.
No.
You got it.
Hey.
We still doing the gifts today?   I mean
Me neither. Whew.
A note is on Jims computer that says
standing outside
Stop! Stop!
Oh... oh!
Um
Okay... Hollys back.
Aww...
Dont. Stop
Stop!
Okay. Okay. Okay.
Seriously!
Okay. Okay.
I just want it to stop.
Hey
No way.
Thats increadible.
You know whats crazy?
I cant reconnect with you right now. Hold on one second.  he hurls a snowball at Dwight with a lacrosse stick
What are you talking about? Youre the one terrorizing me.
Okay
Yikes.
No
walks over to his desk and sees a present sitting on it
Well
Ooh
You like it?
Yup
Alright
Right. Of course.   The Adventures of Jimmy Halpert. Oh
I mean...
I surrender.
Anything. You got it.
Youre a psychopath.
I dont want to go.
Have you ever seen em do that?
No
Okay. This is it.
Go! Go! Go!
Oh.
Im actually just looking for my Blackberry
Im just looking for my phone
Sounds good.
Smart.
Oh
Was it?
Hey! Yeah. No
Listen
Wow.   Stop
I know.
Im really sorry. I cant do it.
Will you let me know when this whole seminar things over?
I just have a meeting
Hey.
I just want to make a point to that last caller. I disagree. I dont think it is the running game at all. I think we do have to make a few moves in this off-season.
Psst. You think this things gonna go much longer?
Ohh! Good-bye.
Tom Witochkin. One of my best buddies
I was blue group
Was in the green group.
And thats what I told him.
My mom thinks youre too dumb to hang out with.
Yeah
Hey.
Pretty good.
It has been
Sales.

Oh
All right
See ya.
All right. Bye.
Lets Go!
Hes going to be a lot of fun to drive around in a car with.
Thats it? Thats all I get? Even after all the hard work I put into celebrating your talent today?
Well
Whered I put what?
Oh
Ok fine
Two! You have a better chance
And the final clue...
You know what
Cheer up. We made a sale.
Well
Someones in a bad mood.
Alright
No you dont.
Alright. Well well be there in ten minutes.
Alright
Hello?
Hey Helen. Is everything ok?
Ok...
What?
Oh my God.
Just stay there. Ill be there in one second. Michael! Michael! Excuse me
Hey its me. So uh
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Youre not holding a cup of coffee or anything are you?
Uh
No no no its ok. So
Yes
And his wallet and phone are on the seat next to me.
Nope.
Ok. Bye.
There you go. Thanks.
Big tip.
What?
We decided to have a Valentines day lunch and then that way we can spend the entire night with Cece and avoid the Valentines day dinner thing. Its a whole thing.
Shh.
Um
No.
All right
Wait.
Aww
OOH! Boom! Face!
Did it!
Love it. Keep it goin.
Mm-hmm.
Ew.
Well
Definitely not. Thats disgusting.
Hey
That was really rough.
No
And a shower.
What?
No. We took a walk.
Threat Level : Midnight is the great lost film of Michael Scott.
Yeah
I did not love the dialogue. Or the character. I took the role to impress a receptionist who will remain nameless.
cracking up at the stupidity of it
Im sorry
Thats fine
Because of the sign
Three months.
Four months.
Eight months?
Eleven months.
Okay now really think hard about this one : One year.
time has obviously passed
Four hundred and ninety-FIVE months. Thats just...
Why is Packer back?
What!?
You did approve it?
Pam walks over to him and smiles excitedly while bouncing
Nice. You know
Do I have any say in this?!
Whoa
Why are you nodding?
Well
Yeah.

Thats a lot of reasons!
Can I talk to you a second?
So
Well
I really think we should join forces on this one.
What do we think
Here we go.
Youve gotta stop with the hot chocolate stuff. I was thinking we can jam his drawers
Okay! Well this isnt my best
He... Its a crime fighting beaver.
Absolutely
Yeah I couldnt cut it down.
One thirty-five. Did you like one thirty-five?
using fake Southern accent
It is weird! Look at you
Whatever you wanna do in your spare time is up to you!
trying to hide from Michael what theyre doing
Hes a jerk.
Wait! Why dont we come up with a plan were all happy about?
Oh
How did those get out? Im sorry.
I was in Jamaica
Probably
Correction. I do not want to sell you Professor Copperfields Miracle Legumes.
Im really sorry. Pam must have put those out.
Theyre legumes Dwight
Shes amazing. This is very exciting.
Thats a guarantee.
Dont think you need the corpse then.
At a gas station.
Oh it was when she was working in New York so it was halfway between both of us.
Totally reasonable.
Cause its a big deal. I mean.. I knew Pam was gonna say yes but I was still scared.
Yeah... it.s scary.
Not bad right.
Nice.
Oh my God.
It is right. I mean
Theyre probably worthless.
Leave the telescope.
Holly
Congratulations!
Wait
We made that.
Yeah
Alright
And what happens here is-
We were... I think she was just trying to-
Wait
Listen
Hey
Thank you very much.
Were back in! Right?
Yep
Okay.
No she doesnt wa- Shes not here.
Stay in bed!
Having a great time.
Thanks
Why dont you just
I just dont understand the desire to push sweet potato fries on me
Whos gonna see us?
Get in the car?
I think Im gonna go.
I think you got this. Kay?   Alright. Feel better!
Im sorry

Nope
Wow! I do not parent for the award but I gotta tell you It feels pretty good. Uh
I dont know maybe being a good dad is just all in your own compass. I dont know
Didnt I?
I gotta go do this.
I dont know that we need to dissect it all now
That did. Pretty huge laugh.
And impressions!
You gotta play along man.
So you guys are filming people when they go to the bathroom now?
Hey! Its almost your last day
You sure?
Did you break the shredder Kevin?
Michael walks into the office
Uhh
Hey
So Ive been meaning to tell ya
What do you think? Tomorrow? Lunch
Youre not leaving tomorrow. Youre leaving today right?
Wow
Absolutely not. Its just that sometimes... goodbyes are a bitch.
You know what I think we should do? I think we should just save the goodbyes for tomorrow. At lunch.
And then tomorrow
Alright.
Listen Michael
I will see you
You got it.
Hey!
No he doesnt. You just get so nervous and hyper around him.
Every time theres a silence
Careful. There is no inner circle.
There is no inner circle. Deangelo just prefers to delegate a few things
Thats Toys R Us
Uh oh
Seriously?
What could he possibly stand to gain from a fake juggling routine?
Hes good at his job. And I like working for him.
And say what? Hey Deangelo
Mmm-hmm.
Hey
Umm
If its alright
I know.   Just the guys. Well
Maybe theres a vibe out there
Whoa. Whoa. Wait.
Oh. Like nobody.
It was --
Thats awesome.
Hey
Oh yeah
He didnt text me.
Dont worry
Yeah.
Nope. Just...   Okay.
Well
So this is my life. Until I win the lottery  . Or Pam finally writes that series of young adult books.
You know what? Instead of a game
Today. Now
Why not?
Alright
15 feet from the baseline
Okay.
Fantastic.
Yup.
Now what?
Oh my God
Erin.
All in favor of the baskets full of chocolates
Nope. Baskets have it.
So as it turns out
Well
Wait...
Im coming.
Youd slow me down.
Dwight has been acting manager for three months now. No. A week. Just feels like three months. Lets see
Question
You define foment.
Oh
Nope. Social club. God
And we would love to have you. But not today. Unfortunately
Wow
And the desk.
Okay.
I promise...d other people that I would be on my worst behavior. And I gave them my word
You cant fire me. Youre acting manager. Not office manager. So you have no firing powers.
You wouldnt dare.
If you get promoted
If I had thought that there was a real chance that Dwight would be permanent manager
Oh
Nope. When Jos here

Well
Yep.
Hey
Well
He never called a meeting.
Your paper experience is very interesting. Do you think you could use that experience to inform decisions here?
Really?
...What is it?
You could just be saying it to get the job.
How about this. Why dont you give us a part of the plan
Okay.
Did you just trademark that...
We are the Search Committee
Unfortunately
Heh. We think that 25 cents a mile is pretty generous.
Can you...  seems intimidated
Yes.
Yes.
He creeps me out.   But
Jim and Gabe laugh
Well
So I think all we need is a resume
Yeah
Can I ask why youre leaving your current job?
Is this a bad time to be doing this?
Andy? You all set?
So
Is it?
Your departments just you
Good!
Yeah.
Peepa.
Great.
No.
Youre not getting an interview
Okay. Thats vivid.
Yikes.
Well
Unfortunately
Okay.
Thank you.
Great.
Im sure its fine.
Howard Cline?
Oh... Deshaun Williams.
Hes an amazing man. Hes a Rhodes Scholar. He invented an app that invents apps. Fantastic kisser...
Darryl! We all know you. Your interview is not nearly as important as the other guys.
Thats very interesting. Um
I think thats probably all we need to hear from...
Thats very...
You know what? They all just sort of blend together after a while.
No
Uh--
Okay
No
Oh
Assistant to the Regional Manager.
What is it?
Oh
No. No! Wait
Ohhhh!
This guy was good. Although
Finger Lakes guy is good. Darryl is also very good.
Um... why Kelly?
Okay.
Oh
No.
You know
All right. Name.
Thank you
I just did. The answer to that one question told me everything I need to know.
All right
Yes.
Thank you
Well
Hes not a real candidate.
You took the deal.
Thats not okay.
What is happening right now?
No
Okay.   Okay
No
Am I the only one who remembers what he did when he was in charge? I feel like Im going a little bit crazy.
Thank you.
Okay
I suppose I am.
Yes.
Okay.
Perfect. There are several outside candidates that we think would be really-
Hey! Hey! Hey!
What about Darryl? We can all agree that hes a stand-up guy
What? No
I dont know. This conversation really got away from me.
No
The Search Committee finally decided
Oh
No
No one should be planking at all.
You watching that commercial again?   Why do you keep watching it
Hes got a bank vault. Thats a start.
The new CEO works out of the conference room about half the time. But whenever he takes a break
Can I call you right back? Thank you very much.   Okay.   What is this?
Its
Its just a list of our names
Okay
No. Okay. Um
We dont need a warning signal
I promise you
Left.
Why are you- How do you know?
Uh
Okay
I dont think its-
Thats not it.
Mmum
Wait
Alright
Hey. Its nothing. Alright? Ill text you when we get there. Let you know whats going on.
Nope. No dog video.
Okay. See you guys.
Uhhh
Oh
Right.
Yeah
Well
Shhh.
Alright
Hey
Alright.
Hey Kev
Yeah
Does it save time though? ‘Cause weve been here for about an hour.
K
No
How many L to a K?
Ill take five.
Your ex-wife?
Wow. Alright. Cant wait to meet her.
Hey.  Andy pushes things aside and sits on top of Jims desk
Why dont you start?
He brings up two good points. Do you have any new leads? Any new territories you want us to look into? Maybe have an in with a big client that we can get our foot in the door?
New leads
She looks at it when shes on the potty
We know that.
You have a walking buddy.
What if we went all the way up to five hundred points?
But
I dont know
Thats pretty good. What about uh
Alright
Wait. You did say we could pool our points
I can have it to you by the beginning of next week. Alright? Thanks very much.   Uh
Ok.
Andrew.
No
I dont know what to tell you
Oh
Nah
Yeah. Big sale. Dont worry about it though
and Im back. How are you sir?....I think we can squeeze a couple more golf games in
Gettin psyched up?
Andy
I mean
But I think its big enough to buy you some time till your next great idea....which
Absolutely not.
Pull up your pants.
Do Snowboarders hate animals?
Dwight! At least aim it.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa!
Alright! Nice job
So...ah
What if he jumps out the window and runs away?
Oscar
Yeah
Nice job.
Oh man
I mean
No
Whoa. Saucy. I thought you liked Maine?
Which ideally would be me....
Stop. Im a barista in your fantasy?
I dont know about Stephen King
Uh
OK. Three hundred boxes of twenty pound white. Thats seventy-five boxes per person
Nice.   Whoa whoa whoa whoa! Oh!
Theres gotta be a better way to do this. This is literally how they built the pyramids.
Yeah   Not that theyre not smart people.
Id go with that.
Not that
Its a great idea Kev
Our fake winnings
It is
Nope. Youre
A...hot chocolate tea
Kevin Costner.
Yeah.
So
But
So sadly
Is he OK?
OK
Thats alright.
Doesnt matter what the name is. Señor Loadenstein
Thats OK
Porque es muy rapido.
Right. Its city and country combined.
And I can fish right from the window of Pams pottery studio. And we can chat any time we want.
Just like now....too bad the schools are terrible.
But what are you gonna do about that?
Hey. So
Youve seen it
Theres this thing that people tend to do with billboards. How do I put this? If theres an opportunity for a graffiti artist to work in a... phallic shape
Okay
Ah
So
Ah. Why do you keep reading that garden party book? I mean
Im actually really disappointed in how poorly my book is doing.   Ive only sold one copy.
Chapter 2 – Announcing guests as they enter is the height of decorum. The more volume displayed
Oh
No.
No
Chapter 4 – One of the hosts most important duties is as Dance Master. A proper courtly dance sets the tone for the entire afternoon.
Chapter 9 – The tableau vivant is not only welcomed
Closing ceremonies.
I think I left my wallet in your house.
Right here.
Keys
I didnt forget them
Im so sorry
Whoo.
Hey
I dont know if I can.
Alright.
I know
No! My wife does not believe in ghosts.
Hey.
Oh
Was it
Mmhmm. No
Yeah
Hey its Jim Halpert. I was wondering if you wanted to see a movie tonight. Because Ive read a lot about this really great documentary.
Its called Ghostbusters.
It didnt have a buster sign around him? Why dont you draw him? Why dont we see this whole thing.
I aint fraid of no ghost.   Whoa!
You know thats...
I was talking about my wife and how she believes in ghosts. And then we had a little debate and Meredith said she believes in them too.
Party looks fun doesnt it? Everybody seems to be in there having a great time. So maybe now would be a great time for me to pop back on the computer.
Are you serious?
Thats funny. Ok.
Thank you.
Careful
No. That is just a bunch of people participating in a collective thing that maybe the Eagles will hear about and want to play better. Its not...
Thank you.
Like
Ok.
Oh
...W R K.
Uh no its W R K
Im just saying with the NBA lockout I think roller derbys in a really good place now. So...my pitch is...me
Is that off again?
Ok.
Wait
Which when it goes off it destroys everything. Very similar to a doomsday device.
Dwight
If this doomsday device goes off...
If this bad idea goes off and we all lose our jobs. Are you going to feel good about that?
Ok.
Nope.
Hmm...Heda.   No.
Ok
Ill try both.
Robert.
Yeah
You up for a game?
Exactly. Here we go. Lets do it.
Alright. Serving. Serving. Serving. Serving.
In the box.
Is that my phone?
Nah
Oh
Yes. Right now? Yes.
Here you go.
Awww
You sure?
What kinda iPhone is that?
Oh yeah. I have the one that nobody has. Is there anything interesting?
Ha ha. No
hits ball
Im alright.
Yep.
Yep. Ah. Oh.
Yeah. That does not feel good.
Hmm. Doubt it.
Whats that?
Honestly I have no idea. I just figured wed save her from Ryan right?
Hey.
Yeah. Super pretty.
The temp?
Nope.
And Im telling you
No
No
Okay. Uh
Oh
Oh
Mm-hmm.
Not his moms car.
Touche?
Mike Tibbets is like the most boring-looking guy I know. So if that was for the matchmaker test
Dwight!
Dwight! Dwight!
Sorry about that.
Dwight!   Why?
Leave.
Mm-hmm?
Told you.
You okay?
Okay
Stop shoving me.
Really?
Si.
Okay
Oh
No
No.
I am not lying.
Pam
Yeah
I dont know.
Okay
Okay.
Thank you.
Oh okay
Okay.
Oh my God!
Okay guys
How do you feel?
Cool. Thanks.
Visitor center. Gonna grab a map for the memorials
No
By the way
Yeah
Only two hundred dollars?
Oh wow. So thats two miles if you incorporate the walk back.
Yeah sorry everyone else didnt come. I think theyre just tired. With holes in their shoes. And they have dysentery.
What are you talking about?
Andy – this whole idea of our situation being just like war? Its just not true. We just work at a paper company. And youre our regional manager. And guess what man? You dont have to prove anything. We like you as regional manager. Andy if you dont believe me take a look at whats on my head. Im wearing a very pink hat. Ive been getting weird looks all day because Im pretty sure DM does GB means something kinda sexual. But guess whos wearing them? All of us. Just for you man. Thats huge.
Theyre terrible.
Hey guys lets just all admit it. Ok? Dwights better than us. He had the guts to stop sitting. And hes never
What are you up to? Oops look out!
Prank!
You know what its not my best. Because you could just easily bend over and pick it up right?
Because youre sitting?
Ok.
Because youre sitting?
You know I have to do this.
I think you could just do Andy Bernard.
I dont know. He wasnt talking to me. But if I were you I wouldnt hire his wife.
Well its sales. So you have to be able to live in the world of rejection.
Well its not that easy. Its kind of sometimes difficult.
No
Oh
Very cute.
Oh wait
Oh. Ow. Ow. Ow.   Creed. I was never here
Oh boy.
Do I?
I know
I really wish I could help. Im not really sure how I can...
Thats the thing. See
Perfect!
Yes?
I dont know what you want me to tell you. To be really honest
Yes. All right. Great.
I got Stanley tickets to see Lewis Black for his birthday. ...Might not have been the best idea.
Shes not your grandmother
Yeah.
It wasnt me.
Kathy wants to leave our clump?
Ow
Pam never seemed to have a problem with us.
What was that?
Cant do that.
Ah...  Im gonna s-
Dwight really wants my bonus. Hes trying to entrap me. Oh god
Uh
So Dwight did take the bait. He used my credit card numbers to send a two hundred dollar bouquet of flowers
I wonder
Hmm...
Nice try
Three times.
Andy
OK
Yes
Uh
And whats its name?
Oops.
Hey guys
Yes. It is.
I know
I dont-
Yeah.
O...K.
Let me just see that one more time. Yep
Right. Youre right. So maybe it was me who did it...by accident.
Ill figure it out
You alright
Yes.
Two friends who are not sleeping together
OK.
Alright. I will definitely do that.
You know what? Youre sitting
Yes. They totally do.
Oh man
All right
Okay
All right
You can write a book about chairs.
Very nice. Very nice sales pitch for our clients that dont know what paper is.
Stop right there. I love it.
In Philadelphia.
Thats a great idea.
Yeah.
All right
I thought it was a fun idea.
Okay.
Theres a table over here.
Shawn Marion.
Wrong
Oh my God. Lamar Odom
All right.
Its always more fun to mess with Dwight with an audience. That was usually Pam so now that shes out I had to find someone else. Turns out that Stanley is quite the comedy fan. But not everything makes him laugh. He has very specific tastes. Through a painstaking process of trial and error
I know.
Whoa
You know
Im sorry
I guess I thought you were approaching it with more of a sarcasm than misery. Kind of laughing at your own pain
Hey. Wow. Just stopping by. Got another party to go to. A wife and two kids at home party.
DJ Pam Halpert is spinning some serious Radio Disney tonight.
Youre looking at the master of leaving parties early. They key is
Robert
I bet I should.   Thats beautiful
All right-
I must...
Robert
Really? Why?
Good night.
To both these bears.
To madness.
Hey
Are you serious?
And theres my talking point.
Hey.
Okay.
Yeah.
It was pretty uneventful
Uh
Nope. Not guilty.
Were best friends
Okay.
I did get called in to jury duty. And they released me around noon
Aw man
Mine was actually a pretty boring case
Wow
I never considered that my week off would make everyone elses job harder. The least I could do is give them a good story.
So Phyllis
Oh man
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Okay
No. I never said he was on a bicycle. I just said I wasnt listening to you.
...and Pam was just going crazy
Okay. I think the best thing to do right now is just come clean and tell everybody the truth.
No.
No.
Are you sure you can keep this under wraps?
Uh-
The empanada guy!
Uh
Because my car broke down.
Well
Okay
Uh
Funny? No? Nobody laughing?
Pam really needed some help with the kids
You want a giraffe?
Yes
Whoa
Whoa
Split the difference?
Okay
What?
Wow
Did you say something about this one bringing in something for these people?
That was a great idea.
Oh my goodness
Oh
You know what? I dont think you need to do things on command. Thats very weird. Ill just take that. Thank you. I think we should just wrap up the show
I dont know what else we can do here.
Its okay.
All right
All right
I know
Oh bud
Cece!
Okay
I know
Im gonna grab her
Hi
No
Thanks guys. All right
Oh ho! Look whos back reporting for duty.
Nope. Its over.
Nope. OK.
Ooh
I just got a text from Robert California that says bring your clubs to Florida.
I hope not.   Because I am not going. Two question marks?
Robert
Got your text
Yeah
Duh- Wait. I just feel weird. I should just call him.
Robert
Ok
Really did   He responded L-O-L.
Now
I think youre right.
Total nightmare.
Yeah
You know Dwight
Hold on
Essential.
Alright
Well
Hey
Is that the buzzer from Taboo?
Mosquito.
So
That sounds awesome.
Dwight
Bye.
I will.
I am on the two kid sleep schedule so Im up and at em at four fifteen
Puppet.
Yeah. Its weird being away from them. Never done this before.
Are you sure its stress? Because I did poison you.
Oh no
Thats a good one.   Whoa
Yes.
Loggins and Messina.
Man.
Fantastic. Stanley drives so fast.
I would love to hear the other mottos.
No way.
It was-
You got to stop with the antacids. Its not the antidote.
Okay.
True loves kiss.
Dwight
Wow. Are you that bored?
Is that another motto?
Mmm.
Ah
Ive spent so much of my life telling myself Please
Oh
All right
Dwight
No ones moving!
Wha- no. No
The one thing Pam made sure I knew
Dwight
You havent done any of the research.
Stanley
You are bleeding through your shirt.
Catching butterflies.
Theater.
Dragging.
Dragging sticks.
Talla-nasty
Cathy? Its been great. Fun
How many buttons do you have?
College rules (Cathy throws Jim the bag and Jim kicks Dwight)
Alright
Hey
Uh... yeah
Okay.
Oh
Yes
Yup
We have plenty.
Do you want to watch the game with us? Were watching a game. The Heat game. Just a game.
No
Stanley. Stanley.
Stanley. Uhh... you know what? Just bring back those bottles!
Im sorry
In the bed.
Brown
Stressed
So smug. Like he thought it was funny
Yeah.
I know.
Ow.
Just check it.
Alright.
He knows what hes doing.
Alright
Oh.
I dont know
Well
Come on.
You know what? Maybe they just ate.
Okay
Is that really how you want to get this job?
Okay
Hmm? No.
Okay alright.   Im really sorry
um... I mean-
Im sorry
Yes

All right. Now I think its time for you to go.
Cathy
Awesome.
Right there!
Oh
Nice job

Oh yeah? Whats the first best?
Is that Nellie?
Which Spice Girl?
Okay.
Come on
Yeah
Uh
Im very sorry.
Im really sorry. Is there anything I can do
Yeah. Yeah
Dwight.
You can...   You can do it Ryan.
Youre the only one who can do it
I thought it was great
About ten minutes.
Oops
Its Ryan. Im sorry. I lied. Im not in the bathroom. I cant do it. I need to see my mom. Im going home.
Uh...
okay.
Im not doing the Presentation.
Okay
A costume?
Ive been in here for 20 seconds.
Im not wearing eyeliner.
Time. Space. Gender.   There are no rules anymore. All boundaries are breaking down in the wake of the infinite future. The only thing that -- the only thing that remain -- the only thing that remains are the things that have stood the test of time -- love
This... is the future
When I was ten years old
Oh.
All right.  Thank you so much. Wow. Wow! And good night!
Yeah.  Thank you. Thank you.
Oh
This is the last time Ill ever see Dwight. Its a weird feeling
All right. So... I guess this is it.
Goodbye
Well
Whats that?
I thought you liked the store?
Thank you.
Wow. When you put it that way
All right. There he is.
Can I just talk to you for one quick second?
Um
You know
Well
No
I tried. He will not listen.
Yes... my pretty hardest. Look
Stanleys very upset that were leaving Florida. But he would back me up.
OK. All right.
Dwight.
OK
Listen to me. Robert is going to veto the Sabre store.
Dwight
And then
Yes.
Dwight
OK
Dwight
Gross! Dont lick my hand! God
Gross!
What? What
Im sorry.
Im so sorry
You all right? You ok?
What are you doing?
Get up.
Get up. All right? Im not gonna let you by.
OK.   What are you doing? Are you really revving up? you know that doesnt work.
What are you doing? No. No
This is dangerous.
Why?
Nope. I think that was it.
Yeah
Hey.
I missed you.
Wow. Its the end of an era.
And I was still just a paper salesman.
Hey. So they accidentally gave us an extra egg sandwich this morning. Who wants it?
Nellie
What brings you to town?
No
Cant you do something about this?
-Right.
What is going on? And wheres Andy? And what is going on?
I think its a cross between Dumbo and Jumbo
Any luck?
Andy?
Andy
What? Youre in Florida? Andy
Like
Guys
Dwight
And when was the last time Dwight and I agreed on anything ever?
The raise isnt real.
Um... are you aware that Nellie is giving out raises?
Yeah. She gave one to Dwight
Land. World. Uh
Yes.
Oh

Was that not the--
Mm-hm.
Was that it? No
No. I wouldve said no.
I mean
No
Yeah
Yes.
No.
She dies.
Lets see it. Show of hands.
All right
How?
Oh
Stanley doesnt have a moustache.
Okay
Okay
Who says no moustache?  Jim
Im sorry
Why is she here?
Nellie
That was one time-
Excuse me
Ah
Thats moving boxes. We just came up with the term to make it sound cooler.
Sounds like every other party.
Oh! Hire a magician.
Trust me.
Yes
Nellie
I doubt that theyre sh-
Whoa. Who is this guy?
Boyfriend.
Like a boyfriend?
Yeah. Whoa. Heres one with his face whited out.
Better theory. This is her ex-boyfriend and they went through some kind of painful breakup.
Oh
Shh!
Dwight!
Im so sorry. These must be very painful memories.
No
You know what
No
Absolutely. Yeah.   Call it off
Oh. Well. I feel that as someone who knows Pam only a little bit... enough. A good amount. Not the most
No. No.
Oh
Ill do it.
Its the four of hearts.
Not true. Cause thats not a real place.
Well
Night-night.
Phyllis says the same twelve clichés every time it rains. So
Hey
And thats noon. Exactly.
Thats it.
Yep. Because Kelly is Indian and... oh
Sorry
Thats about it
Um...
What happened?
Couple of times.
Um... I dont... Uh
I was very drunk.
Wow
Hey
Well
Not at all
Second line.
And when the Indian Ocean calms
Uh
Wow Thats terrible
Well
Wow! Look at that! It says hes actually playing State College. Thats only three hours away!
Tickets are 250 bucks.
Paul Anka.
Okay
Well
Wow
Wait
Okay
Okay
What happened
Okay guys
Heres what Im going to do. Im going to go over there and Im going to talk to him and I guarantee you he gives out his cell phone to everybody.
Boom!
what is interesting? I just proved that he gives his cell out to everybody.
Oh
Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech!
Hey
Look at that one though
Yes--
Okay well
Yeah! Like that rock opera! You could always do that right?
Yeah
Listen
All right
Come on
Here
Youre welcome.
Quick phone call from you guys
All right
Okay. You dont need my help?
All right
Thanks Janet.
Wow
Screw ‘em.
Binghamton branch closed last night and their clients are up for grabs.
Hey
In the fridge.
Sorry
Robert?
The salesmen have a commission cap
Okay
Pam made a drawing of Lloyd. He is a blend of all the salesman.
Theres actually not a rule that says that.
How about this? How about we just ask Robert? Can we all agree that maybe the C.E.O should decide this?
Hes running!
Damn it.
Its a monkey.
Hold on
Is that him?
What? What am I gonna do? I dont –
Dwight!
Nos? You mean like in fast and furious?
Oh
Are you sure?
Brace yourself. 3... 2...
1. Here we go!
You all right?
Ah!
Dwight
What are you talking about?
I dont even know where the stairs are!
God!
What?
Big Red Paper Company?
All right
But youre saying theres a chance.
Oh
Yeah! I know it sounds stupid
I dont know. Ive always wanted to own a bike shop
That sounds lovely.
I know why youre doing this
Last week
Now hes trying to get me to bring my children in to work. I think its fair to be cautious.
Hows it going
Great
Is a mop the most efficient tool to use on a carpet?
Pam? No!
No
No
Nope.
But are you a hundred percent sure? I dont think any of us are.
Nope.
Thats-
Thats-
Okay.
Yeah. You just sit right here. Here we go.
Alright. Why dont you just-
-give him to me and... perfect.
This is great.
Excuse me.
Just do it.
Yeah
Lets do it
Great.
Yeah. Yeah
Oh
No
Oh boy.
Andy
Hey.
Perhaps your year of experience managing this branch will come in handy.
You are really good at modesty. Shes a genius. She painted this incredible mural in the kids room. Theres a hippo leading a parade of 500 children—
Oh
Its sports marketing basically. But the athletes are partners.
In Philly
An Altima or better.
we good?
No
Done. Explain.
Oh
The new guys called one.
Clark ended the whole thing with a karate demonstration. Did you know there was a belt above black?
You should ask him. Its a color you would never expect.   Too easy.
You a sports fan?
Oh. Any team sports?
Phillies fan
No
Ok. Good talk.
I have nothing in common with Plop.
Oh
Yeah. You know what? Ill meet you down there. Just gotta make a quick call.
Hey
Spinning would be more fun.
at the Halpert residence as Cece twirls in the front yard
A banana?
Oh
Just... so weird.
Is this his house?
OK.
Uh
I started a new business with my college friend. But
There he is. Is it almost time to cut the pancake
Thanks for inviting us
That was
Youre welcome.
By the way
Gravel company?
Not gravel
Yeah
OK
He plays piano?
Definitely.
Courtside seats. Sixers.
It was an away game.
No.
Um
Oh
You heard that one.
That I thought we were millionaires.
Thats all right.
You all right?
Ready?
John Stamos.
Right. And did you show them the market? Yeah. And whatd they say? Thats awesome! That
Its not even real yet. And Im not gonna tell her til its real.
Im sorry. This is for a news audition?
I can feel you looking at me.
Uh-huh.
That didnt happen. You wouldve told me right away.
Uh...
God
Dont worry about it. I have a thing. A thing of soup. Which Ive been wanting to try.
That was really good
Andy
Pam always says I look like Nixon. Thats crazy
You doing alright
Yeah. Not the easiest day to be assistant regional manager.
Oh
No
Like hypothetically... if I said there was another job. That you and I could both have.
Something cool. Like
Right?
Ok
Right?
Not even a thought! Its not even that far away! I could still commute! Exactly. Exactly! Alright!
Oh
We
What? No
Hey! Can I talk you? For a second?
I dont know what I was so worried about. I have the best wife in the world.
I deserved that.
Uh
I think I got it right here.  Cheering on screen
You got it.
Last week
Getting my wife a week off from work.
Awesome
Well
Side effects of EMF include: headaches...
..breast pain...
Oof. Infertility.
Ah! Theres my popcorn. Can you just grab that for me?
What?
Thats impossible
Im gonna drive you up to the lake
You mean Lavernes Pies Tires Fixed Also?   Yes we will be doing that. Well be getting a dozen.
Why would you say that? I meant 4 apple
What?
What?
Alright
Just...you good?
Im so sorry for all of this.
Ill get you a napkin. Someone get napkins please!
Pam
Hey
Andy!
Youre the boss. Dont you think wed all be a lot more productive if while we were doing work we looked up and saw the best rural pie stand in Pennsylvania?
What are you talking about? Youre not the boss. Andy is. Andy?
Next stop: Lavernes Pies Tires Fixed Also.
So it looks like this work bus was a pretty good idea after all
You got it.
If by lately you mean the last twelve years
Hes just mad that were all having fun.
Hes fine. Hes indestructible.
Lets go driver!   Laverne packs up the pie wagon at five so...
OK
Are you kidding me? Dwight
Oh no
What do we want?!
When do we want it?!
Thats impossible.   Dwight!
What are you doing?
You know hes doing all this on purpose.
Dwight? Why are you such a jerk? I am trying to do something for my wife and you keep derailing-
What?
Is this about the popcorn? Or the X on the ceiling? Dwight
No.
Ill take it.
Dwight
That doesnt matter.
Ok...thats not...
Did you ever think that because you own the building
Well
OK. And theyre all dangerously close to not getting pie. And theres only one guy who can save them. Its not me.
Its pretty good actually.
We bonded. We got to-
Dont..
Dont..
Pie! Pie! Pie!
We did it.
It wont budge.
Ceces really into princesses now. So we decided to turn them into a positive female role models.
Its Okay.
Sure I am. I am... one of the Men in Black guys.  to Pam
Theres a big investment lunch today
Gettin a lot of mileage out of this
Are you sure youre okay with me putting in this much money.
Youre the best.
Okay. Ill see you in a little bit.
Shut up.
Wow.
Oh
Oh
We were thinking somewhere between five - ten thousand? I can do the full ten thousand. We should just -   - all in.
All right.   Awesome. Cool.
Oh man
I did
Uh
Ten. It was the full ten.
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Its a good thing we talked about it though
Yeah.
What is it?
Um
They werent really talking that much about money. They just said
No
You werent there.
It was very clear that ten thousand was what we had...we should talk about it later.
Pam.
Well talk about it later.
I thought that concert was pretty great.
Angela
Uh...
Okay. Well
Because it is Halloween. So if youre going to sing a concert
And his brother
Competent.
Dwight!
No
Yes. He is. And you know what? We cannot let that happen.
See these forms...
What the heck is going on?! The stock prices are plummeting! Are you gonna take control of the message or do I have to send in someone who understands the media?!
Good afternoon!
Uh
Hi
Go ahead David
I cant. I have the thing.
I have this conference call today with this company in Philly that Im helping start. Ah
Yeah
Right. Okay
I uh
Uh yeah. Trust me
Oh
Um
Im gonna try a different spot. Okay?
Okay
What I was saying is the genius of Air Jordan was not in the market saturation
The... the... the... what I was saying is the real genius was...  was in the...
It was
Nobody!
No
Jim Halpert.
Hey man. I am so sorry about that.

Yeah. No
Uh
You got this
What? Yeah
Today I will be asking David Wallace if I can start working part-time
I could have prevented that. So I have to talk to Wallace.
Hey David
This is gonna be awful.
I mean
Oh
Yep.
Oh
Because were friends.
Unfair. Whens my birthday?
How about this-- You let me take you to lunch
All right.
You know
You know
Tell me about it.
All right. You know what?  Maybe well just... Well go slow.
Listen
All right. Phyllis! Phyllis
Still decorative.
No.
Dont-- dont-- dont pole people with knives.
Phyllis!  Wow.
Well
Phyllis
This is hilarious
Shuckin the peas.  You should go back to the first part
Oh
Im having second thoughts about one of the shirts I packed. The blue one with the stripes.
Well
I am leaving early today for Philly
So you know my job has something to do with sports
Yes! That
Done
Im not understanding the confusion. Am I the only one who wants to try hufflepuffs and schnauzerhosen
Right.
Were thinking of collaborating with Mike Schmidt on some of his charity work.
Whoo!
Yeah
Uh--
Best Christmas ever.
Thank you.
Cant wait.
I dont know. Is it what you expected?
So happy right now.
Yes
So hes kind of like santa
Wow! Its my favorite part of Christmas. The authority.
Oh
Quick question--Do you just decide who gets what in the moment
Oh
But more than once? cause you could have made a mistake.
Okay
Damn.
Ooh.
Oh
Yeah
I have to go to philly. But this was amazing. Okay.
Yeah
Ooh.
Thats right.
Perfect. Merry Christmas
You know what? Yeah. Have at it.
Ooh! Are you nuts?
Ow! Ow! Okay
Just--Just--Hey!
Thats enough
Aah! Ow!
In the parking lot
Im probably never gonna see you again.
Okay
Listen
Ill call you when I get in.
All right.
Love you.
Yep
Whats going on? Wheres the belsnickel?
What are you doing? Last time I saw you
No. I just missed my wife.
And I found out that theres a bus at 5:00 a.m.
Ooh
Oh
Right?
Hey
Thank you
Go get em.
I think theyre going to the conference finals.
Bynum
I bit my lip at lunch today.
Now I have this big bump in my lip that hurts. I hate it.
Okay
Whatever. Its not a big deal. You know I always tell my three year old
I am meeting Dr. J today
You sound tired. Everything ok?
Uhh
Uh
Ok
Thanks!
Love you too. Bye.
Oh man
Oh no
You gotta be kidding me.
Are you kidding me? I can literally scalp tickets to this.
Listen
Alright.   Oh
Right!   Hey
Its still happening right now actually
Yes
Okay
I love it.
Okay
And thats all?
No one will believe this back home
This is Jim Halpert
Sorry
Okay. Theres no possible way I can get there
Hey
Huh. How long would it take me if I drove 300 miles an hour?
No
Weeks. Always weeks. Man
Thanks Dennis
What are you doing here?
Thats so great!
Its pretty great
Actually
Well
Are you cool to just hang out?
Yeah?   You ready?
Lets do it!
Mm-hm
And as you know
Okay
I think Im a little too busy these days to s---   Oh
The Dunder Code! I completely forgot about that prank. That had to be like six or seven years ago. Stayed late every night for a month. Had a lot more free time back then.
: Man
...and finds the... fake grail? No grail?
I dont.
Oh
Hey.
Okay. Can we keep it on the early side
Ceces ballet recital is today. I cannot wait. Ive been working with her on her move. Its called the Cece Spin and Kiss. Do you want to see it? Its kind of like this. Its pretty cute
Well
Yeah. Even you.
Bye
Hi. How are ya? Good to see you.
Hey. I was just about to call you.
I am still in Philly
Its insane. This huge investor got cold feet
Pam
Youre gonna do great. And you know what? Mommys gonna record it. So well watch it together. Do you mind doing that
Okay. Are you sure you know how to do video on the phone?
Okay
Bye.    Yep. See
Uh
Oh
Hey.
We lost Bridgeport Capital. I have no idea what happened. Its like everything I did
I have no idea where were gonna come up with this money
Can you figure out how to upload Ceces dance recital? I definitely could use a pick-me-up.
Youre not serious
Come on
Oh
Look
Youre not serious
Pam
I dont know how else to tell you
Im doing this just for me? Is that what Im doing? Im doing it just for me. If thats what you think
Well talk tomorrow?
Okay. Ill talk to you tomorrow.
You couldve just called that an alliance too
Things are a little delicate with me and Pam right now. And if my working in Philly is gonna end up doubling the Dwight in her life
Im talking to him this afternoon
Last week
Im on the phone. Im on the phone.
Im just gonna call you back. Thanks.
Im sure hes just nervous.
Sure
Yeah
Nice. Music. Do you listen to it in earbuds? You dont listen to it at all because were at work
Sure
Right after you do one thing for me. I need you to breathe in my face.
I need you to breathe in my face right now.
What are we working with
I knew it
I looked at you coming around
How is it my fault?
But its Dwight whos bring in all the weirdos.
Yeah
I was just thinking that because this person is gonna be sitting at my desk
Oh. Um...
Okay. I cant say that thats not fair.
Oh
Uh...   Well
Theres a very exciting opportunity to be a core investor –
Yes
No
Dwight
Ahh
But you know I wouldnt hire any of these all-stars.
Nope. Your friends not turning out to be as great as you thought? Not even Gabor?
I knew it. You designed a uniform for Dunder Mifflin.
Well
And I gotta say
Well
Too much now.
That seems inconsiderate.
All right. I think that went well.
So
Trust me
Okay. Im really sorry I told the guys Id be there for the board meeting.
Ill call you when I get there.
All right.
Take care of my wife. I will be back.
No
Hey.
We are splitting a sublet on a place near Philly.
And
Im couching it!
And this dude labels his food. Hes the clean one. And
Hey. So
Who is this guy? We are killing it.
Yeah!
Nice job
What?   Oh
Oh
Oh. Its your go-to therm. Oh
No
No big deal.
Honestly
OK. Here ya go.
Hey.
Yeah. Totally.
Its mine. Dont worry.
I dont think you had to.
I think you might be going a little crazy with this labeling thing
Thats not the point.
No
Darryl
Its all good. Are we all good?
Whats that cooler?
Oh
Wow. This whole Philly thing has been so much fun that I may have lost sight of what really matters. I mean
Oh. Oh!
You win.   How good did that feel?
Its like magic. Or
By the way
They are terrible.
Oh my god. Thats so romantic.
Oh my god. Thats less romantic.
Yeah
Im very excited to see Brian. Brians a great guy. And Pam and I have gotten really close to he and his wife
Hey
What?
Oh.
Are you kidding? Thank you
Well
What?
Crying?
I dont know. I thought that was a little weird. You told me Brian got fired for the whole warehouse thing. And you intentionally left out a kind of major
Yeah
No
You know what? Maybe we should cancel that bottle of wine tonight.
Yeah. I just feel like I got a bunch of stuff to do in Philly and Im sure you have stuff to do. So we can just... I dont know
I just feel like were gonna fight.
So... how bout lets not?
Oh
Yeah
No problem.
You really wanna fight on Valentines Day?
OK. All right
Hey! There she is.   How you doin?
You look great.
Yeah.
Ok
You are gonna crush it. Wow
Call you right back. What were you saying?
Ive gotta go
Hey
I cant wait to hear about it later. Do you want to come in at eight? And uh
Ill make it worth your while
Alright
Hey! Back here.
Si
Oh man. Im so sorry. Are you alright?
Are you kidding? Were in Philly. Were having dinner together. And this is just consolation champagne. Its from the part of France that immediately gave up to the Nazis. Here.
Alright. So
Tell me about the cologne. How much?
Youre definitely hoarding this by the way.
Austin Powers.
Ferris Bueller.
Not Night at the Roxbury.
Im sorry
Its fascinating.
Thats amazing. Well
So
What do you mean? Of course it will. Youre amazing.
Huh. This is a little out of left field.
And I have started a business in Philadelphia.
My condolences.
OK. Now
Im sure... Im sure shes in a better place.
OK.   This is crazy. You cant make a dirt ball.
OK.
Ooh
Oh man.
Oh boy
What was I gonna- What was I gonna say?
Not that Ryan Howard. Um
Yeah
Yeah. So
Ok great.
Bye.
Hey man
Lets go to the conference room.
With our firm
Right?
Yep.
Wow.
Based on his nickname. Like it already. Let me guess
OK
Space dust.
Sure
Ok
Together we will win this baseball game against the evil space Yankees. Eat Fresh.
Smart.
Buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks.
Buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks!
Megan
Wow. I tell you what
Gotta go! Darth Vaders launching a huge attack.
I dont know how wed go about doing that.
Well look into it.
We gotta get him.
Were gonna go get him.
Were gonna get him.
Hey
Its a little
I wanted to talk to you about your divorce.
Sorry. I—no
You guys obviously went through some tough times leading up to it.
Okay. I was wondering if you ever did any couples counseling.
No
Thats all right.
So how does it work? Its like
Mm-hmm.
If I didnt do certain things without telling Pam
If she can just hang on for a little while longer
What do you mean?
Thats kind of an impossible question.
Well
Hey. I just wanted to say that you woke up early with the kids and let me sleep and I really appreciate that.
No shame in that. Get it all out in the open.
Yes
Mmhm.
Oh
An Earl Grey tea for the lady.
Thank you. I like being appreciated. But
Well
Thank you. Your mom is a treasure.
Hey thats work
Ok to speak my truth
I guess I will swallow my truth.
I know this was really weird
Thanks.
Bye.
Hey!   I...  hugs her tightly
I love you.
Im taking some time off from work—well
Its great.
But that doesnt matter. This does. Its the only thing that matters. Weve had some really nice days together.
Beesly! Oh
Ah
For now
Uh
Huh. Well
Smasher!
Fireball!
Thats pretty good. I feel safe.
Oh
You totally have. You have earned this. But maybe I could be with my wife. Kind of the whole reason that Im here.
What?
Okay. The annex it is. Ill be sitting at your desk if thats okay with you.
Hey
Oh
I get it.
Yeah. Definitely. Go Phillies
I really felt like I almost lost her
Again.
Not at all. It should be Dwight.
Youre gonna want to invest in a lot more liability insurance
Hey
Hey
I seem to have sticky not emergency where I grab it on the wrong end
If you could help me out
Anything would help.
Oh
Wow
You come so prepared. Aspirin.
Hey
No. He was maybe thinking of you for it.
I wouldnt be too sure about that. Just saying.
Wow
Whats up?
Okay.
Really?
Yeah
I need you to stay right here while you think about it.
All right? Im gonna wait.
Im sure you did not. What was your question?
Well
Look whos back.
Weeknights are actually tough just because—
Thats true
Congratulations
So.
Lets hear it.
Nope. Cant accept that job. Its not a real job.
Ill tell you what I could accept is assistant to the regional manager. That is a real job and one Id be proud to take.
Dont get me wrong
Oh
You know
No
What kind of offer?
What?
Oh
Wow
Yeah
Oh
This
I know. And I cant do it.
Sales form for you to sign.
Aw
No.
Pre-conference room meeting with Dwight went really well.
All depends on the conference room meeting itself.   Uh
Yeah.
I will. I will.
The guys at Athlead are still bugging me about this three month roadshow thing. Meeting athletes on their home turf
He welcomes you.
Your agenda-taking pleases him.
Lets not get crazy and ruin our no-nonsense streak
Yes
Thats obviously nonsense. Nonsense. And what percentage of nonsense do we tolerate in this office?
Gotta write that down. Ok
I love Star Wars as much as the next guy—
My god
Potential future nonsense.
Im gonna need you to look at your hierarchy mobile. Youve got a regional manager.
Obviously
But what about the assistant assistant to the regional manager?
Exactly.
Yeah
Well
Nothing.
Members of the office
Today we will be testing candidates for the position of assistant to the assistant to the regional manager.
This is not an excuse to blow off work doing carnival-like activities. Sure
He envies you.
Alright.
By 2:00
A good assistant knows what their superior is thinking before they even think it. Meredith
985
Okay
Oh
Thats exactly what I was doing. Plop
Ew
Come on.
Whoa. How did you know that I was gonna—
Challenge number two
Do you want a corn dog?
Well see. You are an assistant whos just gotten a phone message. I am in a meeting with Dwight
Uncanny.
An assistant brings their boss coffee with speed and dexterity. But an assistant to the assistant has a thousand times more to prove
Phyllis! Grab both these coffees
Yeah. Its real. Its the only way youll learn. OK
Look at that form.
Uncanny.
You know
What Im about to say makes no logical sense
Is-
The new assistant to the assistant to the regional manager is Dwight K. Schrute.
I think you might want to kneel for this. And yet
Hey.
You all right? Whats going on?
Yes
Yeah.
What?
Pam.
This was my decision
You didnt force me.
You did not force me to do this.
I dont know how else to tell you.
Resent you?
Is that really what you think?
Not enough? I dont know how else to explain it to her
You threw the summoning bag at me
Perform a test.
Ooh
Unless you think he cant handle it.
All right.
Thank you.
Well Ive been trying to tell you how I feel
OK
I have an assistant now
Ok
What do we got?
Wow! Congratulations
Right in the sweet spot. I think youre gonna be really happy.
Thats a lot of pros.
So what is the problem?
I dont know what you want me to tell you
Love.
Dwight
Not as good as you.
You got it.
You watched it.
Well
Its from the teapot. Everything youll ever need to know is in that note.   Not enough for me? You are everything.
Here we go.
Umm....
I bike to work now. Saves on gas
Pam and I are great. She just recently finished her mural for the Irish cultural center.
Can you clap! Can you clap for mom?
And Dwight is imitating Japanese business practices for reasons he explained to us in Japanese.
Okay
Uh
Dwight has made me his bestisch mensch. Which is Schrute for best man. Hes putting himself entirely in my hands tonight. And I know for over 12 years Ive done nothing but trick and prank him but tonight...only good surprises. Guten Pranken.
Okay
Mose has been weird? Thats so unlike him.
Hey man
Hey!
Kismet? Yeah
And Jim will say nothing.
Yeah?
Wow! That sounds incredible.  . Oh
Get out.
No
Of course I did.
Yeah!   Guten Prank number two.
Private Room.
Enjoy
Okay
Hey
Oh
They think it was Mose.
Wait a minute. You said the tradition is for the groom is search for her and it ends at a pub. So how about the last pub youd ever set foot in in this town?
Mm
Is that Mose?
Ooh.
Nope
Okay
I know Dwight misses Kevin. I saw him make his portrait out of a Wooly Willy. Tomorrows his wedding day. You cant be anything but happy on your wedding day.
Yes
Hey. Hey
Right.
Am I the only one thats nervous? How are you doing with this? Should we have bailed?
Doesnt seem like anyone cares about us anyway.
She pays me back every day just by being my wife so thats fine.
O-Kay.
Um
You ready?
Dwight
The minister just told me that its tradition for the Bestish Mensch to be older than the groom.
I havent heard of it
I think its definitely... Well
Either way
I just...really wish there was something I could do.
Best prank ever.
See
I gotta get out of this dress.
Whats going on?
No
Sorry
Thats why its so clean.
I mean
Oh... okay. Where would we go?
I promise you
The last...
Hold on a second.   The last few months have meant the world to me and all I care about...
You wanna do this?
You really want to do this?
Oh my God!
Hey
Lets go outside
You know what? Maybe we should talk.
Athleap.
Dwight
Hey
There it is.
Imagine going back and watching a tape of your life. You could see yourself change and make mistakes...and grow up. You could watch yourself fall in love
Thanks Phyl.
I sold paper at this company for 12 years. My job was to speak to clients on the phone about quantities and types of copier paper. Even if I didnt love every minute of it
Well. I dont know.
What?
Uh
You havent told me.
Uh
You put in the garbage can that was a special filing cabinet.
I have an important question for you.
Are you going to Angelas cat party on Sunday?
This is Mr. Scott.
I dont think it would be the worst thing if they let me go because then I might... I dont think its many little girls dream to be a receptionist. I like to do illustrations. Um... Mostly watercolor. A few oil pencil. Um
Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam.
You just still have these messages from yesterday.
What?
Dont we all?
Nothing.
I was in the meeting with Jan and she did say that it could be this branch that gets the axe.
Jim said mixed berries? Well

Yeah.
So when are we going out?
OK. Yeah.
Hey.
Roys my fiance. Weve been engaged about three years. We were supposed to get married in September but I think were gonna get married in the spring.
Do you mind if I go out for a drink with these guys?
OK. Im gonna be a few minutes. So its only twenty past five. I still have to do my faxes.
You got a fax.
What? Why?
Stealing? What am I supposed to have stolen?
Post-it Notes? What are those worth
Are you serious?
I cant believe this. I mean I have never even stolen as much as a paperclip and youre firing me.
Youre a jerk.
Hey.
Good. I thought you were going out for a drink with...
Its better
Yeah.
Is...?
Um... Are you...
Yes.
Yeah.
Yeah. Listen
Yeah
I know. I saw that.
Im saving that cause I like it when the cards go T-ts-ts-tch-tch-tch.
Um
Great.
Thank you.
Thats nice
OK
OK. If I have to do this
Mmmm.
Oh.
Sorry.
Im not making any copies.
Nothing new.
Theres nothing new.
Oh
No. I have a life.
You should try it sometime.
... your problem.
Dunder Mifflin
Where are you?
Actually
No youre not.
OK.
Still no one calling.
Dwight
OK. Dwight. Are you really in charge of picking the health care plan?
This is a ridiculously awful plan. Because you cut everything.
Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?
Dwights health care memo. I told you about it.
Michael
Where are you going?
Im inventing new diseases.
So
Nice.
Its an epidemic.
Hey
Good
Um
You dont have anything youre doing?
Oh great. Um
I might go to the mall.
I need new shoes.
Why did you put Dwight in charge of that? He did a horrible job.
Um... Actually
Oh.
Okay
But its not until next month.
You still want to have a party?
How about green?
This was tough. I suggested we flip a coin. But Angela said she doesnt like to gamble. Of course by saying that she was gambling that I wouldnt smack her.
It is... her birthday.
An alliance?
What does that even mean?
Hey
Um
Yeah
OK
Hes in a box?
Hey where are you? Yeah
Happy Birthday.
Oh
Thats perfect!
Hey
Come on.
Its just office pranks.
My fiance has plans for us this Saturday. So I really hope that Dwight doesnt make me work. Maybe I should sleep with him? Im kidding
No
Please dont throw garbage at me.
I dont think so Michael. Besides
Maybe Angela would cheerlead.
Yeah
Yeah
Im just saying
And he wants to take the WaveRunners to the lake this Saturday so...
Um
Woo!
Mmm-hmm.
Hey.
Yeah
Uh
Hey
Theres a person here...
Theres...
Theres a person here who wants to sell handbags.
Okay
Okay.
Theres an HR meeting in there at 11:30.
No.
Thats a very rude thing to say
Its nice having Katy around. Its another person for Michael to um
Were not dating

Oh definitely
Oh!
Oh...
Oh

Youre horrible.
Yeah
Im engaged. So...
I wished
Yeah
So

Thats what he said.
Hi.
Roy...
Cut it out.
Stop it.
Cut it out.
Stop.
Stop
Jim is a great guy. Hes like a brother to me. Were like best friends in the office and I really hope he finds someone.
Im bored.
No
Really?
What are you guys going to do?
Thats great.
Thats cool.
I
Cause Roys got a truck.
Uh
Great.
Okay
Ugh...
You know what they say about a car wreck
Michael has taped every Dundies awards and now
Oh
It wasnt. I swear.
Were not laughing at you
Um
Um
Okay
Youre taking away our bathroom?
Michael...
...Dwight is banning us from our bathroom.
Um...
Sorry.
...because thats what happens every time!
No.
No
If you would have asked me that
Oh no
Ill just get a ride home from Angela.
Oh good
Can I get a drink?
No
Yay Kevin. Whoo hoo for Kevin! For stinking up the bathroom.
Woo! Hey
More Dundies!
Fine work! Fine work Stanley!
Here here! Speech
I have so many people to thank for this award.
Okay
Um
And
Nothing.
What?
Dwight
Oh my God!
I just want to say
I feel bad about what I wrote on the bathroom wall.
Hey
Um
Bye.
You are?
My Mom is coming in to visit. And she lives like two hours away. And she doesnt have a cell phone... which is cool cause its kind of adding some suspense to my day. And I keep looking over at the door hoping shell walk in.
Ive decided to show her around. She really wants to meet everybody.
mmhmm.
Oh really?
Um... I just wanted to say that... Just
Thanks
Usually the day we talk about sexual harassment is the day that everyone harasses me as a joke.
Shes coming in today and maybe just dont joke around about that stuff in front of her.
Thank you.
Uh... my mothers coming.
I dont have any DUIs so I can drive myself
Oh my god!
Hello!
I love my Mom. Okay. Thats probably really the most obvious statement ever.
Yeah. Im in charge of this whole area.
This is where I used to keep my computer.
But then I moved it.
Yeah
So this is like
Hey!
Well
Mom!
No.
Ten minutes.
Then we can go to dinner.
He said what?

Every so often
You see Dwights coffee mug?
Sometimes when hes not here
Here.
Try paperclips. Oh wait. This message. For Dwight.
Oh.
You headed out?
Ok.
Have a great time.
Yeah
Yup.
Yes

Yeah.
Now the bronze are really blue
Jim
In English
The thing about Jim
Go! Go! Go!
Its Phyllis!
Flonkerton.
Are you sure you dont want to play?
Come on Angela
Well
Were friends.
I made something for our closing ceremonies.
Automatic voicemail.

I have 59 voicemails.
Sure.
Really?
Cool.
Dunder Mifflin
Katy and Jim met in the office. And now I guess theyre like going out
Hey! You can just give her your extension.
...Would You Rather?
Legends of the Fall?
Well
I take it back.
I take it back!
Okay.
Um
Yes. In my top three
Breakfast Club. Um... The Princess Bride and...
No
All time favorite.
You know
You should tell him.
Dwight.
Kay.
Hey!
Um... Oscars kind of cute.
Ooh
I forgot what a super
Hey... Happy Halloween. Jan called.
You wanted me?
Papier-mache?
Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Why did you put it off until Halloween?
I think its gonna put a damper on the party a little.
So its a man?
I just answer the phone.
Youre costume is fantastic!
Oh no
Okay
A dog-like obedience to authority
But that doesnt sound good.
Hes a gun nut.
No
... What?
I made brownies.
Im guessing Angelas the one in the neighborhood who gives the trick-or-treaters some toothbrushes. Pennies. Walnuts.
Dunder-Mifflin. This is Pam.   Uh
Jim is really talented. And he should be the one whos getting a better job offer. Like
Dont take this the wrong way
Yeah
Jim...
What happened?
Oh. That was like crazy. Cause I was...
Oh
I dont really have any control over that Stanley.
Michael tends to procrastinate a bit whenever he has to do work. Umm
Umm
Its just last year you...
Well
Well
Youre major and minor lines cross at a ridge - that sucks.
I am just following the website.
Yes
Could you practice on the forms?
I dont know.
French Onion?
Ok.
I just have a quick question.
No
Hes a purple belt. Thats really high.
Its just out there
Yeah.
What?
Well
Once point for me.
Oh
Hey
Yeah
The shipping place closes in a half hour.
Wait
Michael and his jeans. He gets in them
Ill take those. Thanks.
What is going on?
Oh my God
No
Umm... it was not that long ago.
Dunder-Mifflin
Ok
Ok. Um
When-
Ok. Theres a transcript between a naval ship-
Sure. Theres a transcript between a naval ship and a lighthouse.
It is a screenplay. Starring himself.
Of the FBI.
What is that?
Hey
Heres what we think happened. Michaels sidekick
Yeah.
For the bugs.
Yes... nice! I cant remember the last time someone made me dinner.
What are you going to do with your time off?
You have new music?
What!?
Oh
Dunder-Mifflin
Oh
Why might some say that?
Uh hmm.
We didnt dance.
Swaying isnt dancing.
I have some faxes to get out.
Its performance review day
Thank you.
Oh
Uh
She missed you.
I have one idea of what it means.
Well I dont think youre gonna be very happy with this.
Because shes conflicted. She has to be professional
Um
Michael and Jan definitely made out.
Maybe more.
Oh
Michael?
Jans on the phone for you.
Sorry.
What suggestion box?
Oh
Sure.
Hey
Oh my God
Can you believe who Trump fired?
You didnt see it?
Michael
You told me to buzz you about the suggestion box meeting when Jan was here.
Everyones waiting in the conference room.
Do you think Michael and Jan actually...
How do you come back from that?
No
As a human being.
Thank you.
Hey. Something just happened. Dwight just told Angela that she has to deleted all of her sensitive e-mails immediately.
I know!
Do you think that theyre like-
No
Uhhh
Its like squishing a spider under a book. Its gonna be really gross but I have to look and make sure that its really dead. Sooo...   If you guys see anything... ?
Hey
One is tall and brunette
Ummmm...
Hey
Hows it going?
Listen
No. I mean
Oh.
Yeah.
The professors would go to the parties?
What?   Ohhhh... Yes! Thank you!
Really? Thats great.
Maybe we can get him to hide and wait somewhere.
Oh
No thanks.
Hey.
Definitely.
Jims bedroom.
Cool... This is your desk.
Your home office?
Down. You have to sit down so I can get the full effect.
Ok
And Dwight would be like-
Umm
Ooooohhh no!
You were so dorky!
Hey Phyllis
Have you heard anything about any secret office romances?
Thats ok. Its ok.
Oh
Yeah
Just because two people are hanging out
You do realize that we cant serve liquor at the party.
I think the tree looks nice.
Oh
Yeah
Ill take the iPod.
I want the iPod.
Well
Sorry
Maybe because you hated her present so much.
How much?
I know. Its totally going to change the way I work out.
So what are you going to get me instead?
No
I traded with Dwight. Just
Oh my god! The yearbook picture!
Yeah
Oh
Sorry. What do I want? What do I want... Oh
Um
I love these.
Last week
A ski mask and a swimsuit.
And brush our teeth.
How about the anchor?
I think youre thinking of The Hunt for Red October.
No
Hey
Its getting kind of rowdy down there.
Sometimes I just dont get Roy.
I mean
Im cold.
Uh
No
No
Dunder Mifflin
Michael
Ok
Michael
Ok...
Wait a second

Uh
Michael
Michael
What was that?!
Ohhhhhh!
Oh my gosh.
Is he ok?
You missed two big conference calls today
No
You didnt have any.
And do my job?
Its just that before
Do you want some aspirin
Youve seen one of these?
Roy gave it to me for Christmas. Im trying to figure out how to put songs on it.
Really?
Oh! Ha
Pan?
Oh
What.
Tell me before I come there.
No.
No.
Really?
What?!
That is so cool. Thanks Dwight!
Oh God no
No
Wow...
Dwight
Dwight
Get up
Yeah.
I know.
I know.
I just want to say goodbye ok?
Yes
Its just hard to explain.
Oh my goodness!
Come here.
Dunder Mifflin
Oh my God
I cant believe hes getting a CAT scan.
Really? Michael went in with him?
Wow.
Ok
Ok. Bye.
Hey
I just wanted to let you that Dwights gonna be ok. The doctor said theres a really simple treatment for a concussion
I just
Oh
I bought my veil.
Ummm...
Ok. I was thinking about wearing it down. Kind of like
Thats a communal bowl.
Sick
Umm. How many different ways are there to sniffle?
Ok
Nuh-uh.
What did you guys talk about?
I hate you.
Hey.
Did you find anything good in your desk?
Score.
Big day.
Oh.
Right.
No
No
So are you going to be like totally awkward around me now?
Mmm
Cool.
Hey
Oh
No
Jim had a crush on me on the booze cruise or he told you about it on the booze cruise?
Yep.
Um
Right.
It was great.
Mm-hm.
Roy and I just got back from the Poconos. I get ten vacation days a year
What?
I dont know.
Oh... I dont know.
No
Open the door up!
Thanks!
A little.

Youre gonna throw my things on the ground?
...back so soon.
Yeah
Yeah
Are you kidding?
Somebody did something bad to Michaels carpet. Maybe thats all we need to know.
That doesnt seem fair.
Whats our punishment?
Hey
Hey
Sudoku. Level moderate. 18 minutes. Suck on that
Ill transfer you. Dunder Mifflin
Hey
Hey
Calling from my cell phone. I dont know if you guys figured out who did that to Michaels carpet yet
Todays a women in the workplace thing. Jans coming in from Corporate to talk to all the women about... um... I dont really know what. But Michaels not allowed in. She said that about five times.
Jan.
Michaels still at the door.
Mmmhmm.
I dont know how I fit in with these women. Here. Or with Jan. Um... I mean we get along great. Fine. Um... I guess the person I have the most in common with is...
Well... I always dreamed of a house with a terrace upstairs. Plant flowers on it... stuff like that. Since I was a girl. Um... More seriously though
Thanks.
Well... I have a job right now
Well... its just that the weekends arent good because
Hey.
Hows it going down there?
Good. We watched a video about our changing bodies.
No.
Almost.
Um... but hey? Something kind of cool. Theres this internship in graphic design that Jan was telling us about. She made it sound
Um...
Its really cool.
Dreams are just that. Theyre dreams. They help get you through the day. Like the thing about the terrace. Its nice but... um... I dont know. It was just something I read in this book when I was twelve. The girl in the book has a terrace outside of her bedroom and she planted flowers on it and I just loved that. Just always kind of stuck with me.
How did you know?
Just like no big reason. Just a bunch of little reasons.
Roys right. Theres no guarantee its going to lead to anything anyway.
What? You have something you want to say?
Oh
Yeah.
Its impractical. Im not going to try to get a house like that. Um... they dont even make houses like that in Scranton. So
Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. Uh... hold
I really like Valentines Day in this office. Its kinda like grade school. Everybody gives out little presents and stuff. Like last year
Phyllis.
Roy and I are saving for the wedding
Thats OK.
Guess what?
Thats great.
OH
You cant fire me
You need to get something for your girlfriend.
Tightly wound?
Ok
No
That you remember her.
Yeah.
Oscar.
Join the club.
Hey.
I guess
Nothing
I mean
Heading out?
Bye.
Night Phyllis.
Are you sad that Dwight beat you?
Are you going to cry
Oh! I... uh... yeah. Um... Ill uh show them to you later.
Ok
I have a ton of stuff to do for the wedding. And I have to do it in the office. And that can be kind of awkward. Um... just because people can get all weird about wedding stuff. Then... I just... I dont want to offend... Angela... or someone.
Mom
Do we know anyone who was in the accident?
You mean Toastmasters?
Yeah
Roy has a connection. Its nicer than you think.
Of course. Hes one of my closest friends.
Maybe well use a DJ. Thats the one thing Roys in charge of for this wedding but all hes managed to do is set a date.
Ryan
Australia? I have always wanted to go there?
Thats awesome. Where are you staying?
When are you leaving?
Oh.
Oh yeah. Thats too bad.
Its ok. I got it.
Im looking forward to Take Your Daughter to Work day. I am not great with kids
Oh
Oh
I reminded you last night.
Dont you think you should say something?
Michael
Hey
I only have one goal today. To make one kid like me. Just one.
That is!
Hes not coming out. He wont pick up the phone.
So
Mmhmm.
Sure.
Youre welcome.
Its not too bad. I get to shred things sometimes
Really?
Okay. Um... here it is. Dont put your fingers in there.   Cool huh?
Yeah
I know.
I think he thought his ukulele skills would transfer.
My theory is that...  Jim signals hes leaving
Happy birthday Michael.
I said happy birthday.
Ones good.
Michael wants a strippergram?
Michael
I can sign for it.
When does he hear?
Ohh... poor Kevin.
If I knew I had a week to live
...I feel like we should go get Kevin something. Do you think we can sneak out of here?
Sixty-nine cup of noodles.
And his favorite lunch.
You use fabric softener?
No
We should probably head back.
You dare me? How old are you?
over loudspeaker
Jim Halpert? Price check on fabric softener
Oh Im sorry. Im sorry.
I hate you.
No.
Who is that?
I got it.
Michael?
This is from all of us.
Michaels birthday was actually pretty cool. It was a good day. I dont know... It was a good day.
Jim does the best impressions. Sometimes hell look up at me from his desk and hell just be someone else. Like hell go um
He does everyone in the office.
Jinx! Buy me a coke.
No
Sold out? That has never happened in the history of jinx.
Sorry
Hey guys
Oh
I know that Jim has an amazing story about a relative of his who got caught up in the world of drugs.
Uh
Wow! He really pulled out the big guns. Fake crying. Did not expect that.
What?   Did you want to tell me something? You look like you want to tell me something.   You look like you have something really important to say and you just cant for some reason.   Come on
Here.   Just buy it from me. I havent talked to you in hours and its been weird and I really want to know what the hells going on with Dwight.
Hey.
Ten minutes.
No.
Yeah?
Oh
Uh...
There are a few people I decided not to invite
Win!
How about
Win.
Win
Hey
Nice.
Um... lets move on. I volunteer. Did anyone have a problem with me?
Wait
I have this kind of big secret about Angela. And Ive been really nice to her... and I havent told anyone. And what the hell?!
gets up and walks over to Angela
I find that hard to believe... considering you have problems with every single person in this entire office except Bobblehead Joe.
I cant believe Angela. I went against my better judgment
Dont take her side.
I dont know. I try not to bother him about this kind of stuff.
Yeah.
Angela
I am.   Its about the Save The Date.
What?!
Okay.
Its a nice tux.
Come on
No
No
Oh
Theyre wedding bands.
Roy was supposed to pick the band
Theres a KISS cover band in here.
Im pretty happy these days. Im getting married soon and Im getting along with everybody at work.
I think I should hire them all. Do like Lollapalooza.
Have three stages
Oh.
Oh
On the drums! On the drums!
Oh
No! No!
No
Jim is great. Being with him just takes away all the stress of planning my wedding.
Michael
Carol Stills.
Your realtor.
Its still me.
Sometimes I dont put Michael through until hes already said something. I look at it as a practice run for him. He usually does better on the second attempt.
Carol
Michael
Its still me. Uh
Oh
Yeah
I have good cards.
Mhmm
Straight.
Its okay. Ill see you at home.
Okay.
Bye! Hey.
Good
About when you want to give me more of your money?
Did you wanna do that now? We can go inside. Im feeling kind of good tonight.
What?
What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?
Well
You have no idea...
...what your friendship means to me.
I cant. Im really sorry if you misinterpreted things. Its probably my fault.
About 10 minutes ago. No
Me too. ...I think were just drunk.
No...   Jim---
Chicken.
Excellent
Yeah
Michael
Yeah?
No
What was Oprah about?
Thats a really big decision.
Maybe you should wait before you adopt.
Or not adopt.
Roys sister looked into it
You know
Yeah.
You probably wont.
No
No
Sure.
This.
Thank you.
Yes
Ill probably just wear this.
Um...
Mm-hmm.
Hey! Whats up?
Dunder-Mifflin
Okay. Well
So how do you come up with your cartoons?
You dream in cartoons? How fun!
Huh.
Freedom fries. Yeah.
Well
More freedom fries.
Thats great.
I went on a date. It wasnt a love connection
Popcorn anyone?
Anyone else? Nooo.
Movie Monday started with training videos
Hey Kelly
Kelly really likes to online shop. Soooo
Ok.
Really? I dont know.
Not at work
...noooo
Its too much.
Im gonna return it.
Hi.
Thanks.
I have this little vacuum cleaner thats broken. If Dwight doesnt work out
What?
Please go back to your desk.
Well
Hey Michael
But the warehouse coffee tastes SO much better.
With cream and sugar?
The news that you just announced? That Ed died?
Is there anything I can do?
Yeah.
Oh. Okay.
Okay.
Oh. I would like a break.
Great.
I think so. I dont know
You waited for me?
Lets see. I had an aunt that I was really close to. She was this amazing female boxer. Um
Is it for the bird?
I have it covered.
If you wanna do something for the funeral...
Maybe you could play a song on your recorder.
Do you have it with you?
Did I wake up this morning thinking Id be throwing together a bird funeral? You never can tell what your day here is gonna turn into.
Actually
Id also like to say a few words if thats okay.
What do we know about this bird? You might think
And we know how he died. Flying into the glass doors. But you know what? I dont think he was being stupid. I think he just really
An impression
Just smile for me and let the day begin. You are the sunshine that lights my heart within... on the wings of love ...
Hi.
Oh
Its weird. Jan use to treat Michael like he was a ten year old
Once a year they bring in a little cart and they give away free pretzels. Its really not a big deal. To some people it is.
Michael.
Great! I thought you could use this time to authorize some checks.
Hey
You know
Did you have a lot of sugar today
Dunder Mifflin
Night.
20 past 5.
PM.
These came for you. Contracts? Brent Koselli?
This is a huge sale.
Night
Dunder Mifflin.
Oh my God.
Hi.
Oh.
I had to work late. Jans making me keep a log of everything Michael does all day.
Yeah
Do you...
Uh
A little different. What time is it there?
Oh
I dont know. It felt far.
What?
I type 90.
Its true.
70? How many do you type?
Come on. Tell me.
You have to tell me now.
No
So ok. Im watching the movie
Because I just wanted a relaxing evening at home...
And
That movie is so scary!
But Im holding on because I keep waiting for Sandra Bullock to show up.
Because I got it at Blockbuster and they dont put the pictures on the box.
Would I make that up?
Oh
I have one kitchen.
Its actually...
Three kitchens?
Hey
Um. Ok
No
You have to go?
No
I mean
Bye Jim.
Really you do. I love the material.
I actually might not go. Feeling kind of tired.
Oh
I just feel kind of tired
Maybe. I just ...I dont really have anyone to go with.
Very official.
I decided to come. Uh... I feel a little under-dressed... but at least Im not dressed like a slutty cheerleader
Can you believe my boss proposed to his girlfriend in public? That is so Michael.
Yeah. Hey
Its hot in there. Hows the naan?
I am. You should come dance with us.
No one.
Here.
Yeah.
Uh... no.
Well
Yeah.
I kind of thought something would happen tonight too.
What are you doing?
Im rejecting your...
...kiss.
If you sit in the back.
You say one more word  Im stopping the car.
Are you okay?
What did Jan want?
What cant you tell me?
What?!
You just said that were gonna be gone...?
Michael
Its a blessing in disguise. Actually
Oh
Hes not here. I dont know where he is.
Is it because of Michael? Did he actually do something?
Sure
Coming to Scranton. Is anyone coming to Scranton?
I guess some new people might be coming from Stamford. Should be fun. New blood.
Thats
Yeah
No thanks
Have fun though.
Really? Where did you hear that?
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah
Maybe this is good. Finding another job is a pain. Theres another annoying boss
Hey!
Howd the run go?
Thats great!
Because he accomplished something.
Really
Really?
Oh
Yeah. Are you ready?
Set
Go!
Am I being mean to Dwight? I dont know. I did just make him run around the building and I have no intention of timing him. This isnt even a stopwatch. Its a digital thermometer. He does make my life harder
I should probably get back to work.
Good morning!
Okay.
Yes! Im in a good mood today! Im excited to meet all the new people and to see my old friend again
Hi!
Im Pam.
Oh
Oh my god! Its really you!
I know. I dont care.
Its really good to see you.
You wont be disappointed.
Hey.
What happened to grape soda?
Oh. Youve changed so much.
So when do I get to hear everything? Are you still getting unpacked or... you want to grab a coffee or something after work?
Oh
Yeah. I know
The days going fine. Its been a little chaotic but its fine. Its great! A lot of distractions. But
Hey!
Uh... no. I just uh had some other stuff I had to do.
Whats up?
What do you mean?
Oh. Thats totally cool. You can do whatever you want.
Were friends. Well always be friends.
Its good to have you back.
Ohhhh! Shes absolutely adorable!
...Oh
...Oh. Thats... fun for him.
Who is it?
Why would anyone go to jail for that?
Okay. Angela?
My dad.
What was prison like?
Yeah
They have art classes?
Kinda sounds like... prisons... better than Dunder-Mifflin.
Wow... I--
Wow. That was... wow.
Michael
Prison Mike? What was the food like in prison?
Wow. Thank you. Um
Merry Christ--  NO! Why... why did you bring that here?
Dwight
Well
I would like it off my desk.
Can I help you
Its behind you.
Michael?
I didnt
Yup.
Psst. Jim.   Um
For the past few months Ive been sending Dwight letters from the CIA.
Theyre considering him for a top secret mission. Theres his application. Oh
So... heres the gift. You get to decide what his top secret mission is.   Sorry I didnt wrap it.
Oh.
Oh yeah.
No
Michael
I know.
OK
Like what?
Well.. um I
I dont need to know.
No
I feel like Ive been kinda cold to Karen and theres no real reason for it. I mean its not like shes ever done anything to me. So
Hey
Um
I think one of her cats did once. She came in with scratches all over her face.
Um
That could really be fun.
You guys do a raffle?
There is now. We just started it.
Whats ours again?
Oh right.
Right
You cant do that.
Thats a great idea.
You can have your snack in here.
If youre using more than three pieces of tape to wrap a present
Oh
Oh yeah
Bye.
Oh
Hello everyone. We would just like to announce that our party is starting now in the break room. So... you can come by... .
Our party is also starting now
Good choice.
We have vodka!
I got goose bumps.
What?
Can I talk to you a second?
In the name of Nutcracker Christmas.
Yeah
Mmm. Hmm.
Well go tell everyone.
Night.
We should get him a bus ticket.   To make his trip easier.
It costs seventy five dollars.
Ohh...
Hey. You have a bunch of messages and...   thats nice. Hannah quit while you were gone. I guess she memo-ed to file some complaints she had about being a working mother? And so you might also have to be deposed.
OK.
Its kind of serious.
How was Jamaica?
Thats good.
Huh.
Its kind of an impoverished country.
But you cant today
We couldnt do it without you
Oh my God. Is that Jan?
On the left.
Hey.
You OK?
You sure?
Oh. You want to talk about it?
Hmm.
How far away does she live now
Honestly
No
Oh
Dunder Mifflin
Hell call you back. OK
Hey.
What are you doing out here?
Jan called. Shes coming in later to talk to you.
Thats all she said.
Sorry?
Oh
Sure.
What? No
Yeah.
Thanks. You dont need to stay here.
Yeah.
Great.
Who is Long Tim?
I would love to meet Long Tim.
Yeah.
Ok. Bye Harvey.
Really?
Ok. Sure.
Angela
Thats great.
Dunder Mifflin
Yeah I did a watercolor of Frances Willard Elementary School for a contest they were having. They were calling with the results. And I won. I won! My painting won. So I like to thank my mom for always encouraging me. And I like to thank my dad for buying me my first set of art pencils. And Id like to thank the sixth grade class that picked me.
Hey Kev
$100.
Cool. Congratulations.
Hey
Oh.
Oh?
Hmm. I dont think so. But thanks. My building manager... is... You understand.
No
Oh
I won an art contest today.
Thanks.
I sent in one of my watercolors.
It was the new one I did.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Do you want me to ask the cleaning crew if they stopped watering it?
Oh
Oh
Nope.
Hmm.
Angela?
Is everything okay?
Yeah.
I think we broke his brain.
No
What?
No. No.
Somethings up with Jim and Karen. Not that Ive been eavesdropping. Its not really any of my business
Hey.
Ugh.
Everything okay?
Well you seem a little tired.
You should get more sleep.
Never underestimate the power of a good nights sleep.
When I get eight hours
Oh yeah. Gotta get your REM cycle going with the whole sleeping. Better than not.
Yeah. Dont fall asleep at your desk.   Oh my God.
I think thats champagne.
But dont you also have girlfriends in Paris? Like a lot of them?
Okay Ben Franklin!
Ben Franklin
Well I like to think that his dad was a Ben Franklin impersonator and he really pressured him into it.
What do you mean?
Oh yeah.
Oh no
Im not into Jim. Yeah.
Yeah. Sorry.
Um
Nothing. I was just thinking of something else.
I know.
Didnt Ben Franklin have syphilis?
Ohhh.
Yeah
Yeah? I lose my appetite all the time.
Thanks.
Phyllis... ended up using the exact same invitations as Roy and me. So it was kind of like being invited to my own wedding. And I was like Wait
Also
Thats my dress.
What do you mean?
Oh... um... no. Thats... um... Thats actually fine
Okay
Hey.
Youre kidding me
Roy
Yeah.
Its okay.
Hey!
Oh... Im pacing myself.
No. Im such a dorky dancer.
Yeah
Okay
Thanks.
Im really happy to be back with Roy. I think it shows maturity. Maturity and dignity. ... Is that braggy? I dont mean it to be braggy.
You too.
Oh
Yeah. Oh
I mean
Dwight
Oh! No
...And its all from the same series.
Called Impressions.
Not that I call myself an impressionist
I hope so.
I still need... you know
Hey
Yeah
Maybe
Thank you.
Oh
Yep.
What do you mean?
Um... you wanna buy it?
Uh-huh.
... Thank you.
Do you have something in your pocket?
No thank you.
So we shouldnt help you
No
Hey
Ok
I have decided that Im going to be more honest. Im going to tell people what I want. Directly. So
Oh
Hey guys.
Kevin
Hey. You made it.
Hey Kenny
Oh.  Starts to walk away
Nice job.
Oh yeah?
Hey
Hey
I want us to make it. I want a fresh start.
Oh ok
Just listen. Remember that casino night about a month before we were supposed to get married? I kissed Jim.
He told me how he felt and I guess I had feelings too
Just listen.
Dont yell!
This is over.
ROY!
Roy dont!
I really dont want to talk about it. I dont mean to be rude
Oh my God
Michael
Laughing
Its been a really rough couple of days... This helps a little.
Sorry I almost got you killed.
He could have broken your nose or something. Crazy. Its just so stupid. I mean
Not anymore. Its
Jim... I am really... sorry.
I dont know.
Im sorry too. I just
Um... no. No
No
I know.
Oh
Oh. Drew. Sorry.
Its called being smart.
I dont know how the whole betting thing started
Ten...
47
I dont understand the question.
Yeah...
Its really hard to demonstrate depression. Their safety training had visuals.
So
Hey Creed.
Hey.
Yes!
What are the odds that this is in any way real?
Oh... God. Oh my God
Yeah...
Hey Michael! I have a present for you
Come down and... open it and youll see.
Dwight
Yes
Yeah
Were having a press conference?
Yes
Its just the Scranton Times...
You know what? I really think the whole thing is just gonna blow over in like a week or two.
Yes.
Michael likes me to run the camera when he makes his apology videos. He says he needs a womans touch.
Cut.
Cut.
One day for what?
OK.
Cut. That was your best apology video ever.
Hey
Hey
What? Really?
Oh
Can you tell us what happened?
Its just
Oh
Yeah
Its disgusting and demeaning.
Phallus?
I dont often miss Roy. But I can tell you one thing. I wish someone had flashed me when I was with Roy. Because that would have been the ass-kicking of the year.   Especially if it had been Jim. He would not have wanted me to have seen Jims... Whoo
Thats OK. I dont feel like answering phones.
Sleeves down to the wrists
Yeah.
Uh
Oh.
Oh
What do you want to dish about?
OK. New topic. Kelly
Michael
Oh
Michael
No
Read the pros first.
What was the last one?
Michael... you shouldnt be with someone who doesnt make you happy.
Maybe. But it sounds like youre just wrong for each other.
No one said it has no calories.
Im kind of in-between boyfriends right now. So I dont need anything sexy. But I do need some new hand towels. I figure I can cut up this robe.
Dont answer it.
Here
I think Ive got it.
I dont think we really need that
You know
Good luck
Dont leave a -
About 40 times a year
Michael?
David Wallace is on line one.
Oh
Thanks Toby.
I thought we were just having fun at the beach.
You want me to write down peoples indefinable qualities?
I have the most boring job in the office
Like what?
Well... no
Theres nothing better than a beautiful day at the beach
Does it have to do with these shopping bags filled with hot dogs?
Whens the contest?
How am I supposed to... get...
I think theyre even. At various times you gave Jim ten points
I really doubt it
Im gonna do it. And I fully expect to burn my feet and go to the hospital. Thats the right spirit when doing a coal walk
Id like to try it.
But Im not kidding. I really want to do it.
Do you want us to count to three?
Michael
Oooh
Hey! I want to say something. Ive been trying to be more honest lately and I just need to say a few things. I did the coal walk! Just
Hey. I think it looks great.
After I had my little outburst at the beach
Hey.
Um
Oh
Wow

Hes from that company in Pitts...
What do you want me to do?
What about Meredith?
So
Uh
I really hope you get the job.
Just dont get back together with her.
This was a terrible relationship. You were not happy when you were with her.
Youre so much happier now. Just go in there and be strong.
Right.
Oh my God.   Huge!
Thats crazy!
Wow!
No
Good luck.
Im happy for him. I hope he gets the job. I really just want him to be happy. And I know that sounds cliche. And I know saying it sounds cliche
What happened?
Thank you.
Really?
You will be your own assistant.
Okay. So... you would be the Regional Manager
Mm-hmm.
Absolutely
I learned from Jim
Then who do you think will get the job?
What is the cash value of a Schrute Buck?
I literally cannot wait to see what Dwight has planned. And I wish Jim were here.
HEY! COME ON! Lets listen to Dwights presentation!
Howd it go?
Did... Karen get the job?
Dwight
No
Medium rare. Thanks.
I know.
Well
phone rings
I havent heard anything
Yes.
to camera
It was for a video.
A celebrity s*x tape.
Not relevant.
Not relevant.
It all happened so fast.
Jim and I went to dinner a few times when he got back from New York. I talked him through his break up. Its really nice to be good friends again.
And Sunday Im thinking of going to that flea-market at the drive-in.
Cool.
Well have fun with that.
Thank God you were there.
Oh
Hey guys
No
Yeah
I was planning on it.
Angela?
Are you coming?
Cant your other cats keep her company.
Angela
OK
I can take 3 people.
Alright
Sales people can go later in the day. Hourly works can go at lunch.
I...
I was thinking that we...
But...
Michael! Michael!
Its gonna be OK.
Michael
Thats cool.
Oh me too.
Same religion.
I can help you with that.
I told you Im not dating anyone. And even if I was
Michael Scotts Dunder-Mifflin
Pro-Am race for the... They hung up.
Whats wrong?
Hmm...
Ah.
Angela
Im more of a dog person.
Well Im gonna start fast.
Then Im gonna run fast in the middle.
Then Im gonna end fast.
Cause theyre just stupid.
Yeah... That was um...
Yeah
... Were dating.
Ah
Well a giant check costs about $200.00 to make up. I have a print shop standing by but... What do you think Michael
Giant check it is.
Not well. A doctor wont come out to collect a check for $700.00
And also there is no such thing as a rabies doctor.
I dont think so.
Michael
Hey.
Oh my God.
You said come in!
Oh my God.
So I closed the door but the image of his...
... dangling participle...
... still burned in my eyes.
Come in.
Yes. Or come in.
On average
Theyre so not.
I didnt see where it started but I saw where it ended.
They say if youre nervous around someone you should picture them naked. I do not recommend this strategy. Try picturing them with more clothes on... or a funny coat.
What? Look
Yeah.   Oh were in last place.
Darn it.
I dont know Im really committed to winning.
Mmm... Yes.
Yeah.
You like it? Its kinda designy and cool
Yeah probably. Hey
Im still having a nice day.
Yeah. Hey Michael
And Michael
Yeah
I know you Michael
Hey.
I gotcha one.
Yeah.
No. Thanks... uh were still having lunch today
Toby
Phones ringing.
Can you make that straighter? That job looks hard. You should put your mouth on that. How can you even use that one naturally?
You might want to trim it a little.
Yeah
Hey Toby.
Well
OK.
Hey Ryan. Welcome back --
Yeah.
No..
No
You didnt say anything to me?
Can you believe that...
OK.
Hi.
In his office. You can go right in.
Michael told us to wait in here. We dont know why.
Reusing the Ben Kingsley
Oh.
I think that I should help him get home.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
Whoa
Hey.
Its funny you bring that up because yes it is.
I think... I mean
I now find you repulsive.
Eh...
OK.
Uh totally.
Yeah.
Thank you.
OK.
Yeah
So place it on the infinity thing without being obvious
Thanks.
Thatd be great.
Oh... is it...
No...
Um...
Im uh
Were together.
Yeah
OK great!
Great.
I saw it. I saw it
Michael? This is the press release I was telling you about. Ryan wants you to share it with everyone.
He does.
Dwight mercy killed Angelas cat. Its very complicated. Its caused a lot of unpleasantness between Dwight and Angela. Who are both already prone to unpleasantness.
Hes going through a break-up.
What kind of prank are you thinking?
Yes its too tight.
Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam.
Uh
One of the tickets is for him.
I won.
Tie goes to the girlfriend.
Heres a suggestion computer. I assume you read binary so why dont you zero one one
Hello.
Um... uh... Ill get back to you.
The Pizza by Alfredo guy is here.
I said it normal.
Michael
Im all over it.
Yeah
You came up to my desk
Yep.
Nope.
Ah-ha.
Michael just rented The Devil Wears Prada. He has his NetFlix sent here to the office
Hes a big Meryl Streep fan
A suit?
Like the main company number? Because Im gonna have to call information.
You finished the movie.
No. Go ahead.
Mo Chuisle. Hes watching Million Dollar Baby... Hes gonna try to kill me.
Michael
Hello
It says here you cater to the eldery.
Trip Advsior.
Two?
Shoot!
We only had tonight free
You wouldnt understand
The Beets Motel.
Thank you. Eh. The Embassy Beets. Radishon!
I dont know!
Oh my gosh.
What are the themes?
Irrigation.
What?
Yeah. Coward.
Oh my God. What century is this?
Ugh
Michael. Morning. Hey Dwight
Its whom when its the object of a sentence
How did he use it again?
Whats up?
Youre being gross.
What moves?
I cant believe thats not working.
Um
Shes very religious.
Okay
Thats right
Now that I think about it
Michael.
Whats going on
Doesnt Jan have money?
Man
We wrote a good review. Under comments
Table making never seemed so possible.
The architecture reminds one of a quaint Tuscan beet farm.
We really did. It was fun.
Dwight.
Hey
Okay.
Yeah.
Jims just really passionate about Italian food.
Im taking a computer animation class so I could try to do a logo.
No talk
Are you serious?
Oh my God
Whos that?
He looks a lot like you. How much time did you spend on that?
Right... youre a sports writer in Philadelphia? Nice build too.
You have a guitar slung on your back. I did not know you played guitar.
No no no
Oh boy.
Maybe
No no
Dunder Mifflin
Thank you.
I worked until about 2:45 AM. And then I had to decide if I wanted to spend the night with Michael editing in his office
Yes?
Certainly.   Okay
Thanks.
Oscar
Okay
Oscar
Because some people think you monopolize the conversation by trying to be funny.
Some people.
I have Ben Nugent on the line

Its Vivaldi
And spend time with George Emerson. Thats what I would do. I mean its the best male protagonist weve read
Uh
I think its interesting how Forster uses Italy to represent sexuality and passion.   And that also brought up themes of
It just-   To be making a case for passion in Edwardian times
Maybe sort of ahead of his time as a writer.
Very brave choice also
Why dont you use the microwave in the kitchen
Im so sorry


Ryan invited some of the branch managers and Toby into the woods for a get to know you weekend. Michael wasnt invited. Apparently they already knew everything they needed to know about him.
Did you sleep in cabins?
Who went?
Do you want me to ask where youre going?
Great.
Oh.
Wow! Youre shaking things up a bit
Do you think its a good idea?
Hmm.
Wow! That was easy.
Conference room?
Every time Michaels in a meeting
The warehouse got a ping pong table last week. Now Jim comes down and plays with Darryl. Sometimes I bring him juice. My boyfriend is 12.
Hi
I dont wanna guess.
Jim. Can I see you for a second?
Okay
Please? Kellys trash talking me because Darryl is beating you.
Sorta
Okay.
Hey
He needs help balancing some travel receipts.
Yeah
Hows it going?
Nice. So
Ill make the call.
Yes! Way to go.   See that?
You know what? Im sick of this! Lets go
Lets go. Pick up a paddle.
I am.
In my sleep.
O.  hits the ping-pong ball
We got you this.
Its really nice.
Uh-huh.
So you have an office and a workspace?
What a cute bench.
Yeah
Oh I can help starting dinner if you need it.
Three hours from now or three hours from earlier like 4:00?
I dont care what they say
Montana.
Joe Montana!
Why didnt you just say 49ers quarterback?
Oh okay.
Oh Jim
You can buy new stuff but you cant buy a new party.
Michael offers his coat to Pam
Is there more wine in the kitchen?
No
Oh
I have never
Awesome.
Like... like what?
I know Jan didnt poison the food. I know that. But if she was going to poison the food of someone at that table wouldnt it be me? Michaels former lover?
And now you guys are dating?
Flooded.
This is the best burger Ive ever had
Hmm?
Hunters voice starts singing
W.B. Jones is renovating their offices and their construction crews are taking up some of the parking spaces we used to get.
Which just means we get to see more of our lovely street. Tell them what we saw today Jim.
Nature.
Some of us like the walk more than others.
Did you pick a new chair? Its been awhile.
But instead
Michael started the process of selecting a new chair about three weeks ago. And normally I wouldnt care
Her?
The one in the really great mesh black high-back swivel chair?
Or in a great chair.
I definitely remember your dinner party.
Actually
No
Who are you putting down?
Who is it?
Yeah
OK Michael
No
Im setting Michael up with my land lady. Shes really sweet and... whatever
Shes sweet and cute. I thought youd get along.
I know.
Oh I dont care
Yeah
No
Hmm
Oh
OK
Oh
Ohh kay.
Ive been warned.
Nice job.
I dont know
I hate you.
Oh
How could I have thought that? How could I have thought that?
Whats wrong Michael?
You do.
We have peanut butter in the kitchen.
No Dwight
You cant
There is a master key and a spare key for the office. Dwight has them both. When I asked
I told you
Aw! Thats great Toby.
Toby
Phyllis.
I know how to throw a football.
Actually
I bet Michael had some elaborate theme party planned
Michael we dont know what youre talking about...
Shes talking about the handprints that celebrities make in the cement.
Um... yeah
I dont have my contacts...
Dont
If you propose to me during a Michael meeting
Oh
Oh
I should probably get back to...
Entering the....
No.   Dunder Mifflin
Hey
Because youre very important?
What does that mean?
I cant find my glasses.
Okay
I think you look nice.
So many memories in this old gym. Pretending I have PMS so I didnt have to play volleyball
Um
Theres some filing
Yeah
This is Michael
Hes nice and he seems interested.
I only brought the one.
Michael
Okay. Ill go look for another one.
My old art room.   Oh
A piece of paper.
Well I think theyll get the spirit of it.
Are you serious?
Okay.
Just checking in
I just drove twenty miles round-trip back to the office to get Michael a single sheet of white paper. So
Talk to you later?
Excuse me.
Beers? You closed it?
Yes! Oh!  runs into his arms
Well done.
Hi.
I was just wondering
Yeah. Can I fill out an application?
I can do that.
I dont know any of those.
New York or Philadelphia.
All right. Cool
And uh
New York or Philadelphia.
Okay.
Thanks.
Hey
Oh my goodness
Have you?
Dwight?
Im confused...
Do you mean
So how much antigravity potion do you want?
Hi
Hey.
Guess who just got into the Pratt School of Design.
Oh
I dont know
So
Yeah
Ohh...
I wouldnt go if things werent so solid with Jim. And down the road
Do you like it? Its a photo of everyone in the office. So you can take it to Costa Rica.
Well I was taking the picture.
Sure
Okay...
Did you need me to take notes?
Okay.
Toby
Michael...
So what is your gift?
What is it?
Your watch?
I just knew.
Is that the police?
Absolutely.
Wow. Look at our parking lot.
Is Jim gonna propose tonight? He is
Yay
Song parody writer.
I like that one.
I like that one.
Im gonna to miss Toby. He has a nice
Dont tell him I said this
Oh look
Oh
Sure. Meredith
I dont know
Michael.
Hey
Kelly
I got it.
Hey
Jan called and asked where youre going to meet for dinner. She wants you to call her.
Sure.
Michael doesnt know how to work his BlackBerry. So when he says BlackBerry me a message
Hey
Excuse me?
Sometimes your laziness borders on incompetence.
The city mirrors
The ones for drivers to check their blind spots?
Put cold tea bags on your eyes.
Yeah.
Mmhmm.
Mmm. Mmm-mmm.
Thank you
Whered he go?
Mose
Angela - she used to stay here sometimes?
Okay
Yeah.
Yeah
Yeah
How about Darryl?
Oh
So
Wait
Right. And
A little bit.
Because you love her?   Because you love her very much?
Okay. Have fun with your girlfriend!
Im kidding around. We joke about that stuff all the time. Im not really the jealous type
Oh
Oh
Yes
I dont think so.
Heres the thing. When Michael invents a hypothetical situation
I do.
No.
Youre welcome. Open or closed?
No.
Yeah. Dwight
Michael has employed Dwight to track you down.
Couple minutes
What are you doing?
Blah
Now. Get good work done. Concentrate.
On your backhand.
to Jim
Not with your hands.
Oh
Mmm-mm. Im probably just gonna stay here for a while
It was just a little...
Where did you grow up?
Wow
I dont have anybody.
No...
Sorry.
No
I just...
Are you talking about Beverley?
Because shes not a s*x model. Shes a tollbooth operator.
Thats the other Boleyn girl.
Shh.
Mmm?
Im supposed to turn the lock when I leave
What kind of stuff does Stanley say?
Michael
Hi everyone. My name is Pam
Thanks
Really?
Huh. Maybe I will.
Whats it like without my glasses? Um
Hi
Ryan!
Yeah.
Okay.
Ive heard that.
Okay.
Yeah
Hi
Thank you!
Hey.
Did you just buy that?
Ahh! Im sorry
Dwight.   Michael will be out in a second.
Not almost
Just
Yes.
Yes.
I have everything.
Tomorrow I start a three-month design program at the Pratt Institute in New York. I will be a little fish in the big apple.   What up
I should really get going.
Im sure it was really lovely.
OK
No
Im in the wrong class...
Oh
I can see you!
This is so cool.
Lunch with a girl from my hall.
Ceramics class. Then dinner by myself. Im gonna watch HGTV and maybe go to Bungalow 8 with John Mayer.
Can you put me down Im getting a little nauseous?
The nerve.
Theyre on the supply shelf.
New York is so exciting. I love my classes. The citys awesome. Um
Hi.   Mmm. Cause--
What?
Really
Wow
Hey! Jim! Um
Nice.
Sorry.
Youve already disappointed him so much. He cant be expecting a lot from you.
I... listen
No football games
OK.
Hey! This is not half-way! I did the math. I had to drive way longer than you. Montclair would have been closer
What are you doing?
Oh my God!
Oh my God!
Yes!
Well
No
Not one of them called to congratulate me on our engagement.
What? Why not?
Come on
Hi everyone!
Wow.
No
Sorry.
So you know Stacy
Theres no one from England
So
Anyway
No
So Sarah Kaya says to Eric
Yes!
No
No
Oh
Hey you!
Not even. Im doing laundry for the first time in like a month.
I cant hear anything
I cant hear anything!
OK.
Im not frustrated. Even if I were in Scranton
Hi.
on voicemail
I figured Id catch you walking to your car
Ill leave a message.
I guess this is just one of those days. Itll get better.
I finished my laundry. Got all my socks. Nothing like that time that crazy guy pushed you.
And then
Youre probably upset that Im even at a Laundromat right now. But
Anyway
Okay
New York
Hey.
Of course
Hey Michael.
Hey.
Thanks. My costumes getting a lot of attention.
So apparently no one dresses up for Halloween here. I wish I had known that before I used greasepaint for my moustache. And I cant even take off my hat
Hey!
How are you Tom. Nice to see you.
I asked Tom and Pete to come early so we could play a prank on Jim at lunch! Pretty awesome
Okay
So
Okay
Oookay....
They came up with that idea really fast.
Hey guys.
Hi!
Yup!
Cute.
Miles Davis.
Chet ...something.
Dizzy Gillespie.
I dont know if Im gonna make any money with art.
I mean its a very competitive field. But I have a professor who says I have a lot of promise
... Got you.
For the record
Okay. I lost my engagement ring in ceramics class. Left it in my smock. I had this whole thing where I go back to class
Thank you.
Oh. Hey how about at Thanksgiving we prank Tom about being bald?
Hey
Its the worlds tiniest Bluetooth. I found it in a Japanese gadget store in the village. I got one for Jim
We wanted to stay on the phone all day
I should go.
I miss him.
Dont give him Snoopy. Thats mine.
What was that?
Describe him exactly. What color mustard is his shirt? Yellow or Dijon?
Good luck.
I love you.
Jim? Jim?
Maybe its because you spent the whole year flirting with the receptionist.
Ooh
in New York
Thats what she said! Thats what she said! Thats what she said!
That was weird.
Have you ever had a conversation with Kelly where she didnt go on for 15 minutes without taking a breath?
Did you do something to her?
Well
Yes
Right Dwight is loud.
Hey
Its Alex.
Oh
OK.
Whats up?
Wow.
Because they have a great design program
Jims in Scranton.
Ill see you tomorrow.
Cant believe this.
I just talked to my advisor. Failing.
I was
I have to stay and retake it.
That means another twelve weeks.   Can you do this for another three months?
I know.
Right.
Yeah Im fine. Um... my cell phone batterys low
Alright.
Love you. Bye.
Im coming back the wrong way.   Its not because of you. I dont like graphic design. Thats it.   Stop smiling. I really didnt like it. Its just designing logos and stuff.... and I miss Scranton. But it is not because I missed you. I just really wanted to come home... and I know you said to come home the right way
I missed you too.
Uh
Im not going inside.
pours something from the fridge into a bowl and opens the microwave
Yeah. Wait
Dont you think the person who left the mess is the obnoxious one?
Just because someone likes things clean
When it comes down to it
Why arent you as mad or interested in this as me?
Are you inching away from me?
Reach your arms out.
What do you need
Please hug and kiss me
Thank you.
I know
I guess thats why we have a temp
How would wiping it with a paper towel make it worse?
Youve seen things cleaned before though
I dont know anything about that.
Here?
Sure.
What are we doing at your parents house?
I dont get it.
I love it.
Yeah
I mean
You bought me a house!
Um
And the clown?
New chairs?
Yes
Good? Yeah
Oscar
Exactly. That should tell you how terrible the chairs are.
Michael?
Ive talked to Meredith
What? Jim.
Hey.
So um
I really think you should reconsider.
Yeah
But I really think you should reconsider.
Jim. Jim
Remember
Well that never happened.
So
Look
Aww.
Thats cool.   Mm
Thank you.
Michael?
Hey!
You got a second?
Oh
Oh
Hey
Yeah
That is amazing!
What?
No.
No way!
Yeah! Oh
Yeah.
Heres what I was thinking : everyone sits on a chair every day...
But not everyone...
Or even uses the copier every day.
Yeah
...Thats it.
All right
Hot tie guy.
No
Yeah. I have my copies.
And I have my original.  holds up original paper
So suck it.
Theres that ass!
Woo! Yeah. Aw
Did somebody call Hank?
You can try mine.
Yeah
You can do that?
Youre gonna give yourself a bonus of $645 instead of getting the entire office something it really needs?
Or chairs?
So whats it gonna be?
Let me just say
Hey.
Thanks Michael.
Yeah
I wish that youd stop rubbing that lamp in that creepy way.
I know. If she wasnt an alcoholic before
I knew it.
I knew some of it.
Its Christmas.
Thank you. I knew it.
Dunder Mifflin
Angela made several 911 calls about cars going too fast in front of the building
Quick announcement : new year
Okay
Yeah.
So
Angela
Of course you will.
Oh my God!
Have you seen her with her bangs?
Kevin!
Ladies
No
Hillary swank.
Oh
The phones are dead.
Try a different door.
What do we do?
We dont normally download films illegally. Because were honest
But Andy does
My dad spent the night at our place last night. My parents have been fighting for weeks and... it kinda sucks. Jims been great. But Im gonna need to buy my dad a robe.
Hes not saying what he needs to say.
Yeah.
Hi dad. Yeah Jim has shaving cream
So he doesnt share it with his daughter but he shares it with his daughters fiance?
Hey.
Um

I dunno. I mean
Youre good to talk to.
What?  opens her eyes
Dunder Mifflin this is Pam. Oh
What did you say to my dad?
After you talked
What could Jim have said to make my dad want to leave my mom? And at what point in our marriage is he gonna say it to me?
Well I just want to take a minute to talk to you all about something very serious. Once every hour
Well
Dunder Mifflin this is Pam. Uh
I think he meant personal day.
Phyllis theres a package for you.
Hey Dad. No I know
Yeah. He said that you told him how much you love me. About how you feel when I walk in a room
Yeah.
When youre a kid you assume your parents are soul mates. My kids are gonna be right about that. I guess it also means that sometimes love affairs look different to the people inside them.  Andy is in the background
Michael! Its really good to see you.
What?
Ugh.
Good morning.
He brought a sled.
Yeah. I love being on the road
Separate rooms.
Im going to say it anyway.
This is a new cardigan.
No.
Can I turn on the radio?
But then you fall asleep and theres nothing for me to do.
Thats dangerous.
Thats okay I can... Im fine. Ill just play a song in my head.
No
No
I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate thinking that Al-Qaeda hates me. I think if they got to know me
Okay
Stop it
Please cut it out.
Michael!
No its not.
So when are you due?
Wow
Oh
What is happening there?
Its really sweet.
Uh
Thank you.
I like her.
Im serious. Um
Because
Are you asleep?
No
Perfect boobs
Okay
Yeah
Were engaged.
Oh
... Okay
So
Okay
You look good.
Im so sorry
Shes not doing it to hurt you.
Listen
You know
Yeah
Maybe. One step at a time.
You can do this.
Oh
Michael
No
That was weird
Blazer. Freckles. Penguin. K.D. Lang. Hollys boyfriend. These mnemonic devices help to make a connection
Dont look up. Dont look up.
No.
What?
Oh
You did what?
She never sent it to you?
No.
No
Because
I could read it.
Yeah
Go get your laptop.
What? Im not in love with her.
Its deleted.
She still has feelings for you.
I cant tell you specifically

No
You mean Tony?
Oh
Good morning
Im sorry
Shoot.
They have new phone systems now that can ring directly to a salesman
That is a great idea.
Um
There he is!
Ayyyy!
That was funny.
This is our first and only Valentines Day as fiances.
Really
I cant see them when theyre on the floor
You cant be a part of our relationship
What do you think?
Were in.
Anything to get out of that office.
Wow
What?
Jim uses a 6 pound ball.
Yes
No
Whats the rule about eating when people are in the bathroom?
Oh
Yes. And I think they gave him too many fries.
What?
Well
Do you think they dined and dashed?
I thought we were having a nice time.
Yeah.
Mine too.
My God.
Yep
Yeah
Sure. Uh huh.
Im on the phone.
You can fax it over. Yeah
0-1-7-5. Thank you. Bye
Whos there?
Buddha who?
Great.
Now theres
Good morning
Good morning
Jelly beans.
You dont have to wait that long. I mean
Thats psychotic. Do guys actually do that?
Dunder Mifflin
When Michaels skirting a phone call
Does that mean an idea that blows up in our faces later?
Dunder Mifflin
I dont think Jim means to say that you shouldnt touch her.
Shush.   Kevin
Thanks for much for helping the company
Sure.
Its actually based on a book called Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
OK.
Not classy.
Hi
Sure. Just one second. Please have a seat.
Michael
Yeah
This is what you did last night?
He just had to wear his tux today.
Took him 40 minutes to get ready.
Uh
Oh no.
I can tell Michaels mood by which comedy routine he chooses to do
And then
Cupcake. Its cupcakes and strippers all the way down.
Its really just a regular shaped cake.
He finally has a story everyone wants to hear... and he knows it.
Okay focus. Focus. Youre in the right building
Do you have any leads on a job?
Hi.
Uh
Hmm?
Im working on it Kev.
Itll be ready soon.
Is that what soon means to you?
Then come back soon.
During the course of business
Yesterday
No
Thats a really... well fine
Hmm...
Like Michael Scott Paper Company?
Hmm... yeah. Listen Michael. Have you really thought this through? Cause its a pretty big risk.
Yeah... you could give it up though right? And almost nobody would know.
Well
Yeah. Good.
Mmm-hmm
Everyone
Meredith...   Oh... so uh... G-44. Its not ready Kevin!
Im at a crucial point where I have sunk 4 hours into that copier
Hows it working?
Good.
I did it. I learned everything about this machine. I know all the buttons
Michael?
Oh no.
Im going with him.
Im going.
Michael
Yeah.
Great. Uh
Salesman.
Oh
Probably.
Okay
Today is my first day at my new job at Michael Scott Paper Company Incorporated. You know
Michael
Are you wearing anything under the robe?
This looks great
Yes
... Square is fine.
So
Im full.
I feel good.   Wow.
Yeah. Im excited to start the company.
We did that. So
No
Just let me have... Oh.
Fine!   Oh
You know
I know! No
Okay
I think you should get dressed.
Michael
We need to come up with one realistic thing that we could do today.
Great.
No. What? Why?
No. Were not gonna hire Ryan.
Okay.
Well find him.
Really?
We have an investor already?
Michael
Hey! We need to get you dressed!
I have doubts about this too. But when one person freaks out
Next on the list - open the mail.
No
Next on the list -- song parodies.
Great. Lets sing it in the car.
Yeah.
We can do this.
Michael comes out with Vikram
We have a meeting with an investor today.
He can be.
Hm. Im looking forward to getting to know you better
Yes. Yes
Michael! Whats going on?
Hey
This wasnt on the list.
No.
Its not.
When did you add this to the list?
You get paid by the year at the bowling alley?
No.
What is he doing?
Oh my God.
Sorry!
Sure.
Beat.
Nana?
It means grandmother.
I cant do this.
I cant do this. I had a real job. I sat ten feet away from my fiance. I had health benefits. I was just feeling impulsive. I should have gotten a tiny tattoo on my ankle.
I just keep getting bored. And I let things build up and build up and then I - I
We dont have any money. We dont have an office. We dont have anything.
How come out of everyone in the office
Yeah.
I could work here. I could see this.
Are you good?
Im good.
Morning Michael!
What should we do now?
I make that one copy
That is so insulting.
Because the thing youre saying Im good at
Seriously? Because it sounds like one of those is better than the other.
Shut up!
Really!
Seriously? This is whats so important
I dont want to look at your friend Jasmines boobs all day.
Like how? Dyeing my hair blond?
Oh yeah I bet.
Michael
Okay its my turn.
Give it back for what? Whatre you gonna do with it?
Youre gonna make another spreadsheet.
Yeah exactly. Its my turn.
Come on! Ryan!
Definitely.
We could work from home.
.... Corner idea?
How would we know that?
I thought that was your corner.
So my corners the one with the copier?
No thanks.
Hey Im here to see Charles.
Hey Charles.
I know youre a very busy man so Ill cut right to the chase. Id like my old job back.
Um
Or I could come back as your personal assistant. You know? Sort your mail
Personal shopper?
Well it was great catching up with you. And Ill see you around the building.
Im just gonna sit here for a little bit longer if thats okay. The air smells so good. I dont remember it smelling so good. The chairs are so comfortable.
Hey.
Yeah
Thats as specific as Id like to be.
Were small
Nope
Dunder Miff...Michael Scott Paper Company
We already offered free delivery!
Um
A guarantee of what?
And I guarantee
I made a sale!
Oh!
Things are a little slow here. And theres only so much cold-calling you can do in a day. Turns out theres no limit to the number of cheese puffs you can throw at someones face.
Were getting pretty good at it.
The timelines messy.
Im confused. Am I walking down the aisle to You Can Call Me Al?
I dont know. It seems like a lot for an a cappella group from a college we never went to.
Mm-hmm.
Im not gonna do that.
Im here. Im a part of this now.
Michael
Tell us what youre talking about.
We cant help you if you dont just tell us what happened.
Michael!
I spent a month putting that rolodex on his Blackberry
Pam
Oh my God
We got the van at a used car lot. We think it says Alleluia Church of Scranton. in Korean. It was either this or an old school bus with an owl living in it.
You didnt happen to bring any coffee
Oh
Do you drink this every day?
Oh
Why would I love that? Can we afford a delivery guy?
Yeah
Corporate greed?
Did it help?
When a child gets behind the wheel of a car and runs into a tree
We have maybe a month. I dont know what Im gonna do.
Thats what Michael said.
I like it.
Steve Martins not dead
You want to hear something sad?
So Jim and I are getting married and the weddings really expensive. So I tried to get a job on the weekends to earn extra money. I applied to Old Navy
Really?
Seriously? Are you being serious?
Yes.
Just to reiterate
No
We have to come from a position of strength.
Mm-hmm.
$60
Are you kidding me?
Can you give us another minute please?
Michael.
Why are you assuming youd get the whole thing?
No
Agreed. But thats all
Thank you.
Thats right.
Alright!
Who is it?
Boscovs at the Steamtown Mall?
Well
What?
Oh
Thank
That ones great.
What?
Mm-hmmm.
We were something else.
Mmm.
You made him lose the account by screaming at him the entire time. Its okay
He can only keep one of us as a salesperson now. Hell make his decision by the end of the day.
Oh. I think you should get it. Youve changed a lot and youd be good at it.
Yeah.
Just tell me.
No
Okay
I did?
For real
I did?
Oh
Thank you. You will not be sorry.
Oh.   I really thought I didnt get it.
Yeah. Cause you said I didnt
What about Ryan?
Yeah. Maybe you shouldnt fake fire people anymore.
Thanks
Erin.
Erin. Michael wants to see you.
Not cool
Oh
Just sent it.
If you dont take out his battery
Oh
So someone is going to a court. Big deal.
Were getting married today.
Tell em how it happened.
And very expensive.
You cant leave anyone out.
Ok
I had just woken up. I didnt look cute. Thats how I knew he meant it.
What?
Theyre beautiful.
Yeah.
This is so cheesy.
I like cheesy.
Yeah. I think maybe I want a wedding wedding.
Really?
I can do it.
You had to be there.
Yeah
Okay.
Oh
Tell them what happened last year.
No
Yeah
Hey Charles.
Do you want me to beat him up for you?
Back off
Maybe I played a little in junior high... and in high school... maybe a little in college... and went to volleyball camp most summers.
Hyuh!   Well
Good game!
How do you figure?
Lets do this.
I got it!
Oof!
Yep. No
Yeah.
No
Look
Well be back!
How long will that take?
Im sorry
This is the last day of our summer interns. Its been nice. We havent had interns for a while
Nobody.
We havent told anyone Im pregnant.
Yeah
Nope.
Cant back out now
No
Just keep it to yourself then.
What?
Why did that come into your brain?
Who did you tell?
Nobody!
Sure
Michael?   Hes over here!
Where are you going?
Dont get on it.
Dont... get... on. Do not.
Step away.
Jim.
Stop. Dont. Just...
Yes.
Okay.
Its clear why we were trying not to tell people. Thats clear now.  Jim nods
Youre right. We shouldve realized that you are an equal part of this.
You called Stanleys wife?
If you talk to her
Michael
Hey
Okay
Yeah
Ummm
Did I? Doesnt sound like me
Please dont talk about my breast milk.
Yeah.
Hey Kelly.
Thank you. Um
I dont know
We invited everyone in the office to our wedding. Even though we realized most people wouldnt be able to make the drive to Niagara Falls.   Which is why were having it in Niagara Falls.   Then Michael told everyone they could have Friday and Monday off
Hey Ryan.
So
It costs about $75 per person.
Can you just tell me now if youre coming or not?
Okay
Kelly Kapoor
Do you think that you could send in your RSVP card?
Well
You are going to text me
To ask for directions..
And you will eat whatever is fanciest?
So rude
Oh my gosh
I need to fit into my wedding dress. However
We did
Its awkward asking people for money
Oh
No
I dont think we registered anywhere. We just want cash.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Okay.
Is this what Ive become? Materialistic? Shallow? I feel horrible.   oh look! Mrs. Pam Halpert! Thats the first time Ive seen it in writing!
Why arent there any beans on this very old
Jim?
Yeah
$100 now for sure.
Yeah. No
How sure is this?
The guy has an algorithm to determine the winner of any given college basketball game.
writes a check
Im sorry. You guys have probably noticed my stomachs a little more sensitive lately. So
Phyllis
I dont think Im asking for too much. I guess its just the end of courtesy in the workplace.
Yeah
Ok. All of these things are important to remember but the most important thing is no one say anything about my pregnancy at the wedding.
Well
You know
Next time were all in this room Jim and I will be married.
Thank you
See you later.
Hey
She said everything with the wedding goes by so fast we should try to take mental pictures of the high points.
Yeah.
Oh.
We should have hired a professional to take our mental pictures.
Can we take a look at the suite now?
Oh... is there another wedding at the hotel this weekend?
Im gonna need the name and cell phone number of the housekeeper responsible for changing the sheets
Oh
Hey
Oh. Thank you... but nobodys perfect.
Oscar
Oscar
She has a boyfriend. Hes out of town.
Like... a year.
Michael.
Michael. Stop.
Mema.
Hey
Memas not coming to the wedding. Shes leaving tomorrow morning.
I was just going to go down to the hotel bar for a little bit.
I just wanted to get out of my room for a little while.
Nevermind.
Yeah.
No.
What?
Andy
Hey
He tore his scrotum dancing.
He is in my room icing his balls.
Please stop saying what. Can you take him?
Your brothers took you out drinking?
Thats Michael. Youre out with Michael?
Okay
Are you pushing me off the phone?
Goodbye.
Nope. I
Look
My job? My job is to get married in the morning. Thats my job.
Andy
Thank you weirdo.
Okay
Thanks mom.
He does.
Yes. Thank you
Okay great.   Yeah
Can you come here please?
No. No
Hey.
Terrible.
My veil tore. I knew when we were getting married and Im five months pregnant that Im not going to be able to wear the dress that I always wanted or high heels--
Thank you.
No
Everyones driving me crazy. I know way too much about Andys scrotum.   And my mom wont stop freaking out about my dads new girlfriend.   This is supposed to be our wedding day. Why did we invite all these people?
You look great.
Mm-hmm.
Yes I did.
Go ahead. I think its your turn.
Yeah
Saw it.
Hey Oscar. Its Pam. Hey. Were on our honeymoon.
Unless someone very close to us is in immediate physical danger
Are you kidding me?
Listen our credit card has been cancelled and we have to deal with that
Oh I will. I will Kevin. I will make that my top priority.
It really was.
Oh my gosh. The honeymoon was great. We met this other couple at the resort
Frank and beans!
Hi
Some candy.
Thats it.
Its good to be home.
Hey!
Uh
Awesome! Ill leave it up here so everyone can enjoy it.
I think itll be okay.
Great.
Frank and beans!   So whatd we decide for Michael
Bottle of rum it is.   Alright
Come on

Wow
I dont know. I think Michael has a date.
I think you have a date.
Come on.
Oh
Yeah
Of course.
Oh.
Oh! Gossip
No
screams out in the parking lot
outside
Thank you.
You need to be more upset about this. Shes your mother too now. Your mother is sleeping with Michael Scott.
Haha! Ha ha ha.
I have a way to make Scranton a better place
I love it
Im not apologizing to anyone. Michael owes me an apology.
Dont call my mother your lover.
Yes! Thank you
Shut up Oscar. What is wrong with all of you
Whatever
Uhh
You are never going to be my father
Me too...
Hey.
Oh
Well
Sure
Whats the matter
Oh
You can tell Michael that Im not leaving.
Michael
What! You knew?
Mmmmm
Then whyd you even offer!?
Michael
Whats that supposed to mean?
Shut it!
Awww
Mmmm.
Haha
Maybe Im overreacting.
But I dont think I am.
Here we are outside-
- the Wilkes-Barre Industrial Park.
The two people with the lowest sales in the quarter have to do them.
Here it is.   Suite 401.
I know. Now you dont have to.
Oh. No
And wed like to offer you 15% off your first purchase as our way of welcoming you to the area.
Its ok.
Anyway
Yeah.
You were way meaner to me than I was to you.
You blew the sale
Oh-   Thank you.
Well
He loves to eat.
I love to watch him dance.
And Ill just watch him.
Yes.
Mmm-hmm.
It was
Yeah
Sometimes were so excited we forget where we are. Like at a business meeting.
Yeah
If Im being completely honest
Yeah. Way too much.
I mean
When you cried?
Youre fantsy involves comparison shopping birthing classes?
Hmm.
Well
Ah.
Ah.
Hey
Ok.
Mmm-hmm.
No. It was a total waste of time. Um... it was fun
Yeah
Thats... right. Hes like Marlon Brando.
I actually do mean Marlon Wayan. Yeah.
Oh
I have an early lunch.
Michaels been trying to get Jim and me to hang out ever since he started dating my mom. I dont know. I really hoped this thing would just die out
Hey!   Hey. Happy birthday.
I think you guys all remember my mom from the wedding.
Kevin!
Yes
Oh
I know. Isnt that always how it goes?
I want to handle it.
I feel like its--
Yeah-- its exciting.
Thank you.
Why did I get in the car? I could of struggled. I have a whistle in my purse I didnt even blow it.
I use to love coming here. The chicken parm is good. Big part of my childhood. Oh
Michael
So
49 again? Thats nine years in a row. This is now our longest family tradition.
Mom
Please be Grandma.
I want you to be Grandma.
Yay
Maybe.
What about your gift Michael?
He locked himself in his office all morning working on it.
Aww--
Thats amazing.
Yeah.
Thats really nice Michael.
Home run Michael.
Hey. Whered you go?
And then you stopped at the bar on the way back?
Okay
Cakes really good.
Michael. Michael
I know that it took me a little while to come around and its still a little weird to get used to
Well--
Michael.
What?
I am working.
Really?
Really?
Why?
I have the lowest sales record of anyone here.
I have the worst attitude of any person here.
Yeah
Youre bribing me?
I want to hit you.
I want to hit you. Ill do that.
No. Are you kidding?
No. I dont think I can hit you in the office.
So
Okay.
See you then.
Oh...
Right.
Okay.
Okay wait-- its-- youre saying it comes from the foot.
Okay.
Wow!
Are you ready?
You have to keep your hands down
Michael
What are you sorry for?
How about for dating my mom?
And dumping her on her birthday.
Okay-- just-- dont ever date a member of my family again.
Are you okay?
Youre okay.
No. You were right.
Michael
Who are you?
Ill go.  stands up
Bill Bourbon was my uncle. I would have never hurt him any more than Id hurt a June bug.
I do not.
I think Michael may have snapped.
Well
Jim
I should just go.   Where to now Caleb?
Whats the news?
It wasnt me. Im not goin down for this!
Get the keys out of my purse
Oh my God
The thing I like most about Recyclops is that hes creating a different world for our child.
A world where you truly can be anything you want.
Thats great.
Sure.
Dont do the twirl.
Stuff gets around. I dont participate.
I forgot I have to support him no matter what. Close one.
Can you actually fire people?
Well
Oh. Ok. Ive heard you exclaim. Like the time you said
Well
Looks great.
Okay.   The Michael Scott Foundation is still in existence?
Michael
No Michael
Michael
Its terrible.
Just terrible. And the longer you put it off
No!
You have to tell them.
Its fine. Erin
Ok
Thank you.
No
Yup.
Ah!
Is it
So Santa
You know Oscar every time I make this lasagna people ask me if its a family recipe
Is it funny? I thought it was more ...interesting
Oscar and the warehouse guy! Go Oscar! Go gay warehouse guy!
Michael
Have you talked to him?
Matt?
Mmm! Good pate
Hey
Oscars pate is great. I could eat it all day
Okay.
Yes! Theyre the only two gay guys I know. But they should be together.
How could we do what?
Twelve drummers drumming.  marching drum band lines up to perform
Hello.
Hola. Bonjour. Ni Hao.
It might seem crazy
For the record? Not on board with fake Stanley... although
Good to meet you.
Well
Yep
Yep.
Yes.
Oh
No
What do you want us to do?
Because were usually not on the same page.
Hey.
Oh
We found a great local daycare. Its rated really high by all the local parenting websites. But that means its also really hard to get into.
Were hoping our interview seals the deal.
Okay. Okay. Yeah.
Theres a finger-painting station and a curly slide. Am I too old to go here?
What?
Who? The -
The guy were meeting with?
Hi Jerry.
Its lovely.
Ok
Hes uncomfortable because youre acting weird. So you have to stop acting weird.
Thats the weirdest possible solution to the problem.
Is this because Jim walked in on you going to the bathroom?
Maybe
Nope. Cause were really nice people but you dont seem to like us.
So
Oh
Michael
Michael...
He looks happy.
I just wanted to check and see if theres anything you needed before I went on my maternity leave... Yeah
There is nothing dishonorable about talking about your life. People like it.
Kevin
Hmm.
Mmmm
No
Im having contractions
If we check in after midnight
I cannot wait for that joke to be over.
Ooh.
You know the babys not going to live here
Okay
Everythings fine. We have plenty of time.
Hold on
No
Im going to be okay
Did you hear that? Butt-mud Brooks.
Five minutes apart.
Okay
Mm-hmm.
Not until midnight.
Actually
Oh
Oh
Yes
Jim
Jim
Why dont you go do some work?
I know
Okay.
Hey. Im not going to get in the car
Okay
Everything is fine. You dont have to worry. Try not to think about it. Shes not coming out for a while
I called the doctor like a week ago. I couldnt wait... Oh
Mm-hmm.
I know.
Good.
Okay.
Oh
Oh
No
Oh
There is no rush to get to the hospital. I am fine. Ill get there. And if I dont get there
Mm-hmm. Yes
Nope. No
Theyre not that bad still
No
No
Ah
Okay
Oh
Jim
I dont want to have my baby here.
The hospital.
A baby.
Dwight
Michael!
Stop texting
Wait
It has the birth song on it!
Jim
I dont know! Lets go by the house and get it. Its only twenty minutes past the hospital!
Dwight! Go to my house. Get my iPod. I think its on the kitchen table. Do not touch anything else. The key is under...
Okay
Dwight just listen! Its underneath...
Yes.
No
Okay.
This is happening!
Oh
with Jim
Okay.
Oh
Okay.
Love you
Okay
Again
Remember yesterday when we were terrified of being parents?
Good.
Doesnt she sleep here?
Oh
One
Shes not gonna... Just...
Go.
I dont know. I just
Doesnt feel right.
How does one do that?
Do you want to try it
I cant tell if shes getting anything. It just doesnt really feel right.
Even if shes not getting anything?
No. I read in the book about nipple confusion.
Shes just
Maybe itll be good because then she can like socialize with the other babies.
I know.
Yes?
Um
So
Oh
Okay.
Okay.
No
No. It just feels like pressure.
Okay. So
Okay. Aw
Okay.
Oh
Shoot
Will you just
Um
Jim
Get the baby. Get her. Come on.
I got her. Okay. Okay. Okay... Jim! She latched! She latched.
Oh
Aw
Were really parents now.
Oh
Yes. She was a little fussy earlier
Wrong baby! This is not our baby! Sshh.
Oh
No
Well
Okay
Oh
Okay
Hi. We did it.
I used a variation of your move.
Its kind of like that lip thing she did last night
Hey baby
Nothing but vomit and diapers over here.
He means his mopey place
Yes! Yes! I would love to!
Its been so long since Ive been with adults. I am so excited to see everybody. Creed
Oh
I want her to meet Michael.
Theyre both single
It is not that. Kevin! Oh!
Hey
Aw!
Yeah!
Hey
This is my friend Julie.
Julie laughs at everything.
Hey
You want to play pool?
Ok.
Hey
Why are you wearing a hat now?
Maybe.
Maybe it should come from a man.
Hey
Ok
You guys are stripes
Do you guys want some food? The wings are really good here.
Really?
Im sorry
Hes more
Okay. Bye.
Yeah.
Oh-oh
Okay
Not at all.
Hey
Its my first day back after maternity leave. And I miss Cece
at her desk
Its nice to see you again
Ooh. Ah-ah-ah. Ha-ha.
No
Thats weird
You know what
Mm.  walks into bathroom
What are you doing?!
Relax?!
Give it back to me now.
Its disgusting!
Its not sterile!
Jim does a really good one. Do yours.
No
Hey
What? What do you mean
Hey. You know I was engaged before Jim.
Yeah. And he worked here too.
No
Thank you.
Hey Toby.
Very interesting.
Thanks Toby.
I dont think an apology is enough. I really think the only way for me to learn my lesson is to take my suspension.
Yeah. I vant to count to ten.
That would have been funny.
You know
This is our first joint sales pitch. I think were gonna work really well together.
We have good give and take.   I give
Yee.
Oh
Ill have one.
Maybe Michael has a point. I mean
What if I back out and you finish the pitch with Jim?
Just let him flirt with her. People meet each other all sorts of ways.
Who cares?   Its not that huge a sale.
Dont act like you understood anything that guy said.   Good luck
Maybe shes just pushing her breasts together to make them look bigger.
You can flirt with someone to get what you want and also be attracted to them. How do you think we got together?
I was after your money.
Yes
Hmm?
Um... I think its really
Really unlikely. But I cant say that its impossible.
Im not saying shes in love with him. But she could have left a while ago. Most printer sales are done over the phone
Hey
You know what
Mm-hmm.
Yeah
Michael...
She doesnt want you to return the barrette. Shes not interested in you.
Im sorry.
Michael!
It all started when Dwight was tapping his foot against the leg of his desk. When I asked him to stop
Stanley got to go.
No
You had a nice meal with your girlfriend in a lovely place...
That is right. Dont make any more of it.
How what?
You could start by concluding this meeting.
Michael
Amok. It means
Michael
Oh!...
Why do we have to see what Dwight says?
No
Michael. Okay
Stop eating it! Do you wanna be happy? Look at you. You have a major self-destructive streak in you.
And you kind of torpedo every romantic relationship youre in.
Helene.
My mother.
My mother
Hmm? Oh. Its probably nothing.
Okay
No. Except for the pendant that you bought me. Which I love.
So it turns out Donna and I have a facebook friend of a friend in common
Hey
Im sorry to interrupt you. Um
I lied its personal. Its about me and Jim. Were... I just... youre the only person I can talk to.
And...
No
Yes. Yes
I need you to sign this! So bad!
I love  ... this idea is neat. Ive never been. It sounds lovely.
Youre gonna wanna look at the date on that. Oh
Absolutely.
I dont know who he is.
What?
You just have to go in there. You have to hear it from her.
You have to settle down first.
Okay. Okay. Yes.
Yeah
Okay. Look at this
Hi
Did she see me?
What flavors did you get?
Despera-dough. Witchy-womanilla. Why do they do this?
No
Yeah
Yeah
And we need bodies in both these rooms
Oh
No
Leave!
Oh
Thats awesome. You want some ice cream?
Could he still be seeing her?
Me too!
Hey Michael.
We were wondering if you would like to have dinner with us tonight
We can watch a movie and play Rock Band.
Yes.
Michael Scott
Mm. Hey. Oh
You were supposed to be the Lookout.
So embarrassing.
We will be well-rested tomorrow.
I dont think those were yours to take.
Did you talk to him?
You talked to the man whose wife youre having an affair with.
I dont think Im gonna make it.
It gets in the breast milk. If I drink it
Well
You sleep in the warehouse?
Okay.
It was me.
Okay. Im talking to this woman at daycare...
Shes telling me about all her amazing trip to Vietnam
Her husbands a reporter.
So now everyone hates Andy
I could tell Jo... or I could tell Michael.
I dont know what to do! Do I go tell Jo
That fast?
Yeah?  Michael points at Pam
Yeah
I have never seen so many parking tickets.
Um...
Were not going for yogurt.
Wouldnt we get fired for smashing all the computers?
I dont think thats a good idea.
Nobodys going to prison
Yes
Hey. What are you doing?
Sorry.
It was really funny.
I love you.
Why is there a circle with a line through it?
Or enough for everyone?
Get whatever you want
I dont know. That usually works.
I feel horrible for blowing Jims prank. I dont know if you can tell
Yeah
Dwight is about to get so Pammed.
Yeah
There we go.
Lets just calm down.
I dont-
Ok
Dwight
Youve gotta be kidding me.
Oh
I know. Yeah
Well
They do call me that.
Nope. Scared of getting cut in half. Also
Yeah.
Stop drinking the water! Stop!
We signed Cici up for this daycare. Its on the other side of town. The traffic...
Were you painting in the dark?
I dont really think we need...
Yeah.
And a soy sauce packet.
Look
I cant do this. I dont have this sales gene
Tell me Im good at sales.
The unfair thing about working in sales is that your salary is almost all commission. So
Yeah
So what happened?
I am. I am the office administrator!
Oh
There are a few ways to get promoted. One is to wait for an opening and apply for it. Thats the main way. But this could work.
A few months ago. I was talking to someone at corporate
Thanks! Yeah
I get paid $40
Maybe $50
No
I liked them.
Hey
Well
And
I just think somebody lost the paperwork.
Yes. Absolutely. Right away.
Hey Michael
There are a lot of one person departments here
We can do that.
Easily.
But of course!
So weird that there is no paperwork.
Although
Admit what?
Say it.
Say that Im lying or say that I have the job. Make a definitive statement
Great. Well
Sure. Anything else?
Ill get it right away.
The first lesson of watching World Poker Tour at 2:00 AM
Oh
Well keep looking.
I mean
Yeah.
Hey
We can relax.
Sounds like Cece.
Oh
Why are you here?
What possible explanation could you have for possibly being here? I dont... you know
You know what? It doesnt matter. It doesnt matter.
Okay.
Not together!
This night was a disaster.
Yeah?
Get it.
Lets get our juice on.
No. No no no!
Nate starts walking away from hornets nest
Yeah
What? No! Wait
Its just good to stop a Michael train of thought early before it derails and destroys the entire town.
Wait! What you should do
Hey! Our baby was not a mistake. She was a surprise.
Andy thats way too personal of a question.
Okay.
Michael!
Come on
Not the car!
Nothing happened. We went on a couple of dates. He never called me again.
Thats fizzling. I mean
No
You dont look reluctant
You dont?
Not really. Its kinda weird that a grown man is singing from the point of view of a little girl.
turns around
People are really into the costume contest this year. Might have something to do with the prize
What?
Im supposed to be Olive Oyl. And it makes more sense when Im standing next to Popeye
We were basically Romeo and Juliet.
Except where Juliet doesnt have that great a time and Romeo doesnt call back after two dates.
But Ive learned to love again.   Hes a cartoon sailor.
And looks so handsome in his UNIFORM! Please?
Um
Oh
It was two.
No
Yeah?   It was though
Hmm-mm.
Okay
Michael
Dressing up as somebody-I mean
Angela as the nurse!
Id remember talking about Jim. That wasnt it.
I did. And its just one of those things thats going to keep gnawing at me
Thank you! Thank you. I got it. Now I know. You thought I was a little dorky. You know?   Okay. Well
Oh
Aww
Okay
I know a lot of us have been feeling under the weather lately. Its that time of year. And according to a study done by the University of Arizona
One of the simplest ways to cut down on the spread of germs is to use something called the vampire cough.
Oh
Well
And get your flu shot. Also
Im not - Im not going to do that. Im not going to do that.
Ceces getting christened today.
Everyone from work is here. We werent planning on that.
Oh
Okay
Im sorry
Okay
Our friend
No
Okay. Thank you for coming
Somebody needs a change.
Well
What?
Honey
No
We have an extra outfit in the bag.
You said you checked it.
Wow.
We just had to add a few more tables. We werent expecting this many people.
Nope
Hm. Dont listen to her. Shes just jealous cause she doesnt get to come home to someone as cute as you.
I dont know. Im just hungry.
Cece went down.
Well
Who the heck was that?
We need more food. Ill go get some subs and sodas.
Honey.
Did you lose Cece?
Shes up! Great!
Cece
Michael? Maybe you should try gong in the other room again. You can have my seat. Its closer to the TV. Itll seem louder.
You have a gun in your desk?
Maybe I should go.
If I could get her sleeping normally I could get my life back.
I cant even talk about it.
I kind of doubt Gabe has suit.
Its a miracle. She loves him.
No no no no no! Shell wake up!
Look
Absolutely!
Do it!
Jim
What no
Okay fine! There must be some way to get out of it. Even just for tonight!
No no no
The reverse cycling ends tonight!
knocking on Angelas car window
I know you and Dwight have this weird deal
Yes! I have been so authorized.
Okay.
You know
Wait
Lord of the Ring stuff? I dont know
Youre typing Big Boobs?
Mm-Hmm?
Okay.
Oh
Let it go.
Yes
What do you want to say
Really?! Who?!
Did you prank Dwight?
Well
I love you
Oscar said WUPHF only has enough money for nine days.
Ryan
Oh
I move we sell!
Sell.
Hi
Oh
Im sure no one asked you to do that.
Listen
Michael
Michael
And there are a lot of other people in this office who have money at stake. Other people you care about.
Dont.
Yeah
Okay. Go Ahead.
Do you mind?
You dont have to do that.
Are you okay
Umm
Dwight
Im not going to do that.
Hi Nate
Hey
Sure.
Dwight. Dwight. Can you please tell new building owner that he is screwing over all the people he works with
An idea bigger than the Grand Canyon?
Dwight take it down.
Im serious
We can move out.
So
I went out to look for a better office space.
Not really
Yup.
Look at the huge offices Jim
Oh in three months we can. Check the lease
Theyre not of Cece.
This is possibly our new Dunder Mifflin office.
Well
Koreans.
White.
Parley?
So everyone here knows pirate code?
Youve been watering down the soap?
We need everything back the way it was.
Thats a sad story. I have another one. We move
I know
Uhh
Umm
Oh
Mmhmm.
I lied about some aspects of the building.
Theres no building... it doesnt exist.
I needed leverage so I pulled those pictures off the internet. Its just this Office Administrator thing
Fail. I dont want to fail... again.
And thats what you said about Art School
Well
What?
Well thanks.
Hello
Read article nineteen. There are suitable standards that you have to maintain the building at that includes comfortable temperatures and adequate lighting. It also means no more cutting the tampons in two
Okay lets go in. Im freezing.
Okay
Okay.
Im freezing.
Im the office administrator now
It hardly looks fake. Its so lush.
Great.
Nope.
Nashua got mp3 players.
Before we kick off the party
A party. Its not an excuse to get really drunk or confront someone or have a cathartic experience of any kind.
Wow
Michael
I honestly think youre idealizing people here again
Hey.
Yes. But dont get too excited
Okay.
Ive been working forever on Jims present. He always gives me the best Christmas gifts. Hell take a memory or a private joke
No
Hey
Why do you always think that girls are gonna be at the party? No one invited girls. Its just us.
Oh
Yeah. He works here. We all know him.
Cool.
Hey
Okay. Sorry. Well uh
Hey
Maybe. I mean...
Um
Well Darryl
No
Bring her to the party. Yeah
Youll be Mr. Christmas by the end of the night.
Hey guys
Who told you that?
Kelly! Um
You guys
Wow
It doesnt really seem like you.
So
Okay.
Okay
I mean
No.
Yup.
No
Look at this.
Jada
Oh
Something like an obstacle course
Thank you.
I dont think hes in the ceiling
Is it... is it pebbles from that beach in Jamaica?
Oh
I love it.
Oh
Michael
Thats good advice.
Thats a sad story.
Oh
I shouldnt tell you this
Really. And I dont know about you
So just be patient.
Hey
Oh... come on
Im sorry. I had no idea.
Oh
What?
What? What is it? What? What is
Hey
Its gonna be fun.
I recently met Sue
Oh
Hey
Why not?
Learn to cook for one!
Well
Angela.
Make time for romance!
I dont think so.
No.
Im not... Im not going to have...
No! Just talk to her.
Theres a plan.
The goal of this meeting is to get everybody excited about their resolutions! Whos been good about their resolutions so far? Erin. Tell us about it.
Cool! Heres a little way to go gift from Sabre.
Creed. I noticed you dont have a resolution on the board. Whats yours?
How is it going?
One of the hardest parts about making resolutions is keeping them. In fact
Yeah.
But thats okay. Because its not about being perfect
Okay
Yes! Because with all of your support
You dont have to do that
Oh
Okay
Kevin
Yeah
Okay
Lesson learned.
Whats going on? Do you know that guy?
Jelp? J-e-l-p?
I dont think thats a word.
You want some help?
Mm-hmm.
K-a. Ka? What does ka mean?
No
I think theres better...
You could have just told us what you were thinking.
Theres no yelling in that
Oscar
I dont know. Theyre still in there.
Stop. Out with it.
Heres the story. That guy in there is Jims childhood friend
And when they were both in the third grade
And Tom...
And Jims mom suggested that Jim spend time hanging with the kids in his reading group
Right. But howd you say it?
Wait. Can you back up? Whats the story?
Bye.
Aw youll get through it hon. Just make a game out of it. A funny Jim game.
All right
Whered you put it?
Say it. Where?
The fridge.
The fridge
Bye.
This is Pam.
Whats wrong?
Jim
Oh God! What?!
Ok. Shes ok?
Understood.
Got it. I will put out a A.P.B. Otherwise known as a Ask Pam Beasley. ... Did the phone cut off?
Alright
Bye.
Yeah.
Cute.   Very funny
Well the first one has a surprise factor. Im a suck suck-suckidy Sabre!
But
You guys
Yes. You guys
Dunder Mifflin
Oh
No
No
Ok. I
Ok
Ta-da!
Yeah?
Seriously?
Oh! Ok.
Guess not.
Ladies and gentlemen
Hey. How you doing?
Yeah.
At least she lived a very long and Im sure
Its possible that some people thought it was your birthday.
Im so sorry.
How much did you give him?
Wait. I dont have my scarf.
Im missing my scarf. Oh.
Yeah
Um
Yes. Never found that bottom
Yeah. What? Us?
Yeah!
Yeah!
Thats weird. I mean
You know
Oh
No
No.
That was so embarrassing. Im gonna die.
Let me make something clear. Jim and I have never and will never have s*x in the office.
Besides
No.
We took a walk.
Were all in it
Michael screened a work in progress for us
Wed love to see it!
Okay everyone
You have to let us go Goldenface! We have families!
Looking at her mother on screen
Why is your face gold?
Im just making conversation.
I got Erin a new computer
Awwh
I just helped someone out. It feels good.
So you know the feeling.
Hey
Hes seriously awful!
United front...
You have a computer Andy.
Ok
Yes
See
Sorry Andy.
walking through the office
What? Erin is that true?
Erin
Im not freaking out
Andy
Switch the computers back Andy.
Seriously.
Now please.
I dont know if theres really a private place in this office.
You did that?
Okay.   When did people sign-
Well what was I supposed to do
Okay
Yeah
in a car with Andy
Andy
We should break this hinge maybe.
Come on Andy! I mean you said you wanted a new computer and this is the best I could do!
Yes
Yep. Lucked out.
Yep
Yeah. You know what
Three.
Im full on corrupt!
Hey Oscar
Oh.
Dunder Mifflin is having our first own garage sale. Like many Americans
Its cold Dwight. Just shut the door and let people come in the front.
The signs will drive people inside.
Oh
Michael! Michael!
Hi.. I was just coming out to see what you were doing and to maybe stop you.
Why do you need more gas?
Is it a good message or a bad message?
Are you proposing!?
Wow.
Yea. Yea no problem.
Yep.
Michael
This is terrible.
You know what? Im gonna get a hose. Then well talk about it. Ok well figure it out. Be right back. Just stay there.
Hey Michael everyones in the conference room.
You called the meeting I dont..
Michael.
We are a family.
And Ive always believed that we should all be involved in everyones personal lives
So about this proposal thing...
Michael
So we just... we wanna help you plan the proposal so that its safe and responsible and realistic and doable.
Ok I think animals and proposals are out. Right Ryan didnt you read in one of your blogs that animals are out?
Holy s*** is that real?
No shes going to love it so I think you can keep the proposal simple. You know like when Jim proposed. He just he got down on one knee and he told me that he loved me and he asked me to marry him and it was perfect.
No it was really it was really sweet. It was raining and..
Shes not gonna say no.
You were scared?
Congratulations!
Well
But
Cecelia.
Really? Oh
Uh oh. Someone started off on the right foot with the new boss!
Hey
Da-das.
See
Whats going on?
Oh
Well the breadsticks are like what then
Youre right
Yeah...  they see Erin eating in her car
Whats wrong?
Why dont you wanna eat lunch with your boyfriend?
Dont you think its better to tell him the truth now? You know
What?
Wait
You didnt think to mention me huh?
Why?
Michael
Lets grab some ice cream
In costumes!
Whats wrong with cupcakes?
Well we all wanted to plan your goodbye party. We thought this would be easier.
We thought.
So this is the dream team.
Okay.
Should we get toppings?
What?
Hot fudge?
Michael sits alone eating at the back of the kitchen
So Im going to Carbondale this afternoon to get a new bulk shredder.
Its a good shredder
Its not supposed to shred magazines Kevin.
I dont think any of them are supposed to shred magazines.
So Michael said we can do whatever we want cake-wise. What do we want?
I dont
Okay
You know what
Oh

No he wasnt sad. He was full of hope. About Colorado
Good morning
Okay.
Because of the flowers.
Dogwoods
Hey
Okay.
Oh my God
I know.
Is that what he tells you at your little inner circle meetings?
Oh no
Oh wow
Look. Im juggling eggs and bowling balls. Im juggling with one hand. No hands.
What could he possibly stand to gain from a real juggling routine? How can you keep defending him?
Why dont you talk to him about it?
Why dont you just tell him how his actions are being perceived by the women in this office?
So
So
Wow.
Jim
Just go in. Just go in
So one afternoon
Hey! It sounds like you guys are having a lot of fun
Okay
Youre back in.
We could get Deangelo flowers.
What have you done?
Cant stay there all day.
Do I at least get to go with you in this fantasy?
Stop stalling! Come on.
You mean the frozen mice for the piranha?
Dwight
Why do you need to wear the holster at all?
Dwight
You have to get rid of all your weapons. All of them. Including killer fish.
You shot a gun off -
What are we doing?
We need a new manager.
to Dwight
Are you really going to apply for work at Scranton Breadworks?
Its gorgeous
Oh-ho-ho! He talked about himself in the third person?
Thats not accurate.
How is this on me?
Hang up.   Corporate needs you to find the differences between this picture and this picture.   Intel has told us there were at least seven.
Theyre the same picture.
The Senator?   He was married before
And dont say that thing about how lots of gay guys have kids.
Did you see him at a bathhouse?
The windowless building by the Baskin Robbins.
Forget it. Im never gonna know what goes on there.
Youre in the gay mafia.
No.
Im a woman. I would want to know.
She does seem happy.
Okay.
Uh
Hello! This is... the client.
Yes.
Great.
Thank you
That was our dream wedding.
looks over at Oscar
A homeless person. Really? A homeless person.
No
Ohh
in high-pitched
Well
I dont think I should.
Right here. Little Michael Scott-
Much different the second time around. And I have to say  it is nice not being the only pregnant woman in the office.
Wait
Well
Because everything makes me cry
Not enough though.
Jim.
If he comes out
He left it at reception and we photocopied it.
Maybe its a list of people hes gonna fire.
‘Scuse me?
I love you so much.
Okay.
Okay.
Thats regular pizza.
Oh
Oh
I used to be young and cute and sorta funny and I could do those cute
Oh. Oh God.
Yeah
Okay. Oh
Okay
Kevin
Yeah
No he hasnt.
Kevin
Kevin
Its huge. How much does it weigh?
Erin
Parenting? Yeah. This is Cicis favorite magazine. She loves the pictures of babies.
I flipped through it.
Of course.
Yeah.
That sounds nice.
I do.
Seems like a basic reward system where you give us points
Oh.
Yeah! Whoo!
Who talked to Maggie at Kaufmans?
Wheres Angela?
Ready!   Im not as think as you drunk I am!
Do Not Resuscitate...
Oh
We were hoping you could do something like this...
Baby.
Yes.
Do you think you could work from this?   we made some small adjustments.
Just a few adjustments
Um
Oh yeah
Angela
You know its just herbal tea.
Yeah. I think you should call social services.
You know
Fine.
Whats that come to? Like
Awesome.
And then on the weekends
I think we should get a townhouse in SoHo...
And then every morning
And then my handsome husband...
Would bring me a flavored coffee.
Well in your fantasy were Stephen King characters.
Oh
Wait
It says Lotto Pool
Oh come on. You really think Im gonna have a fourteen pound baby?
No.
Uh
You came in at 10:30 today
So. Ive been thinking
And we move to the south of France. See? No
Because Im never gonna act like that
We came to an agreement. Were going to live in a stunning pre-war brownstone at the top of a mountain.
Just a subway stop away are the best museums in the world.
Just like now.
Oh..
What are you gonna do?
Andy
Somebody defaced the billboards we just put out in an inappropriate way.
How is that better than a barbecue?
Nope.
Cece was around 22 weeks
Oh
Oh
I also would like to toast Phillip Halpert
What are they doing?
Nice touch.
Yeah.
faxing
Oh.  sends fax
Oh
Um
No
Yeah.
Oh
Okay. When I was 22
...and he said
Hey!
What do you mean?
I saw a ghost.
It was a ghost
I dont know what to tell you
Pam Halpert.
Is it called Ghostbusters?
It didnt look like that.
Ok fine Ill draw him.
Mmhmm. Dwight are you eating a stick?
Jim doesnt let me wash his NFL jersey during the playoffs. How is this any less logical?
Really.
Im not gonna freak her out
Im not gonna lie to her
Lets see. Andy has been manager for a hundred and five days. Which means Ive heard Closing Time a hundred and five times.   Still dont know the words. Tah wa Ta way hm hm home and home and home.
I bet he went home.
What are you doing?
Uhm.
Yeah
Are you okay
Uh
Oh
Oh
No. Its a jokey saying. Pobodys nerfect
You know what would go so great with this cabbage pie? Milk.
Im thinking cow-
Just dont talk about the email
Just trust me.
I got this.
Hahhh
Dwight stopped the device!
Hey Cathy.
Hows it going? Everything make sense?
Great.
Oh no
Ok   Oh that was just me. Pregnant Pam. And I make sounds much worse than this.
Im training a temp to be my replacement while Im on maternity leave. Oh I shouldve mentioned Im pregnant. You probably didnt notice because its impossible to tell Im so small. But yeah Im pregnant.   Oh come on!
You doubt it?
Why do you doubt that shes single?
Its going to be good to have someone hot at Pams desk huh?
Im kidding! Oh my gosh you guys! Shes obviously super cute I get it. But Id like to point out theres 50 pounds more of me to love if thats your thing.
Thank you. Really you guys thank you. Very sweet.
Really well thank you all.
Hey.
Helen Mirren. Hot?
Huh. What about Cathy?
Yeah. Do you think shes hot?
Im not asking if youre in to her. Just
You dont find Cathy attractive?
Look at her. Even I want some fries with that shake.
Yes
The thing about pregnancy is people treat you differently. Like youre a kid almost. They lose all sense of boundaries. They start acting weird
Dwight
What about before? Was I attractive before?
Hmm. I think Jims lying to me about not being attracted to Cathy.
Five bucks if you can get him to admit it.
Yep
Okay.
I think so. Okay.
Well
Yep
Honesty is very important to me.
Lets just see how we feel when we get there.
Hmm.
Hey
I thought it might be fun to set her up with someone. Any ideas?
Mike Tibbets
Kelly
I dont think Jim cares about his hair.
Jims on to me.
Yeah
Yep.
No
Is he puffing out his chest?
No. Maybe he just said something funny.
I think hes just making her laugh.
Whys he making her laugh so much?
Why was he making her laugh so much?
Oh
Okay.
Oscar
Yeah?
Why wont you just admit that shes attractive? Its kind of annoying that you wont say it.
Well
Yeah
This could all go away if you just tell me the truth.
Wait
Ah
Really?
Wait
Jim
Doesnt your dad have high blood pressure?
When was the last time you went to the doctor?
Dwight
Come on
Just go home. It doesnt matter.
Im gonna do it.
Oh! Im going into labor! Oh my goodness!
I know its wrong to fake going into labor just to get out of things
: Im going into labor!
Im going into labor!
Im going into labor.
Here we go!
Okay.
Oh! Oh!
Im really in labor! This is happening!
Oh!
False alarm.
Here. Like it?
I cant get a fire pit. I have two babies.
Plants and- hi
Okay. You know the test booklets that they give out in all the schools. I was thinking that we could put a coupon in the back that people would mail in to us... and as
Um
At this point
Hi. Wow
Oh right
Oh
Jim.
Hey.
Hi everybody!
How about a little visit?
Yes
No
Yes! Cece wanted to thank everybody for letting her daddy stay home with her all last week and play
No
No
She says no to everything. You know
No. Its crazy.
Shh.
Oh
Its okay
Shh.
Im looking
Okay
Shh
You want to grab her?
Here we go
Jim.
Hey guys!
Hi.
Yeah. Yeah
Well
What?!
Oh Angela
Aw. Its OK Angela. I have mommy brain too.
When did you find time to do all this?
Thank you.   Oh my gosh. Its really good.
So you guys
...we wanted to say thank you-
Really?
Ill fly anywhere for some good barbeque.
Does this have anything to do with what you were talking to Andy about?
Why? Does he think youre going to Florida?
No
Well
I like it so far.
Its perfect. You emphasized the golf
Total golf text. Send it.
Ok
Good. Doesnt sound pushy...youre just stating a fact.
Well done. And we managed to kill the entire morning.
I think you need to go to Florida.
Its only for three weeks
I was going to say good because Ill have all the help I need?
Exactly.
Alright
Bye. Call me when you land.
Hey
There.
Yeah?
Well Im not the receptionist.
I know
Whoa
Hey
Well I know how it is. I know its a lot of fun. I dont know how it is. Andy
Guys
Its nice.
Hey Angela
Oscar thinks that having a dog is just like having a baby.
Exactly. Unless you adopted
No
Angela is such a liar!
Well count yourself lucky. Wait until you have two. Thats two sleep schedules
Yes
We are good to goooo!
Were good to goooo!
Yes
Watson carpet and tile.
Hey
No
My husband would tell you to go for it.
Thats it
Thats true.
Weapons.
But these were not the kind of people who use their words.
Thank goodness he was there.
Police are a hassle. We settled this on the street.
1-8-5-0-5.
I just had a baby.
Wow.
How ‘bout we wait til next year after you have your kid?
Oh boy. Oh no
Aw
He said
Robert doesnt talk like that. You have to stop Dwight from doing this.
Did you actually try your hardest?
If Dwights about to get fired
Or have them sing that song! That the frog does in Looney Tunes.
Well find another receptionist. I mean
Hey
Aw
Aw.
This is Pam. Oh my God
Theres this balloon that has been floating in the rafters of the warehouse for
Well
Did a good job
What?
You messed up saying your name?
Robert
How can you give us performance reviews if you dont know us?
No. He just keeps letting all the calls go to voicemail.
I like working here.
Phyllis.
Really? Okay
Whoa
Well
No.
I think... youre a witch.
Im amazing.
Hey Jim. Stanleys back from the hospital today. Can you sign his card?
Its nice. Its funny. It mentions his tonsillectomy and makes a funny little joke about his moustache.
Yeah he does.
Okay
Phyllis! What are you talking- The whole card depends on this!
Okay
Welcome back
Oh!
Um
Im sorry
Im still not sure why this woman is even here.
I know
Phyllis!
Hey
So were planning this party for Nellie
No. Were gonna make it like a prank. Like order bad food
What?
Okay.
What? No! No
Oh
Or what if...
We discuss...   the idea of doing the party totally normal. Like
What are you talking about? Yes we can.
Okay
No
Cause theres someone already here named Pam.
Oh!  laughter
Thats not a real knot. When you pull on it
Hey Hank.
I thought I was very specific about you not letting up a magician.
Yeah
Lets just- lets go.
Just one. This weather makes me want to stay at home
You know
Oh my gosh
Ravi
Race had nothing to do with it. I just knew theyd be good together.
Kelly has been a handful in the past.
But shes had a bad influence. Shes like an addict.   And I just had to get her clean.
Dont shake our baby?
Okay. Id never heard that before. So
Yeah
Yeah
I saw you were getting along with Ryan again.
Yeah
I am not going to let Kelly throw her life away on Ryan. And it has nothing to do with access to my pediatrician. Why you would even ask or were going to ask
Actually Andy
That a couple of times-
Okay
All I did was remind her that you used to treat her badly.
Fair enough. Um... I dont think youre a very good person. And forgive me
Oh
Read it
Read through the pain. Be strong.
Oh
Boo!
Barf! Ugh
Youre not the least bit curious to hear a poem straight from Ryans soul?
Kapoor and ka-desperate
He is a drifter out to sea.
Its just so dumb.   But when he describes himself as a child
Okay fine. Ryan
Smokey
No
I dont think you love Smokey Robinson. I think youre just doing all of this to prove how deep you are about music
Oh my God
250 dollars is nothing to the worlds biggest Smokey Robinson fan.
Tears of a clown!
Dwight
Oh
Sounds like youre doing alright.
Oh my god!
Whoa!
Are you-- Twice! For real?
Life is Downton Abbey.
Hm-hmm.
Or you proved that he thinks youre gay.
Well
Well
Absolutely
Yeah
What do you feed her?
Does she smell?
Oh
Um
Yeah
Why dont I help you now?
Okay.
So...what do you make of this Robert California guy? I mean
Hey.
I stole Nellies phone.
What do you want from me?
Sounds like it.
Okay
No
Robert! Okay
Ah. Ahh.
Hey.
Um... yes. Definitely. With your hair –
Certainly. Um... you dropped your cell phone.
Yep.
No. My goodness. You have a lot going on. With Robert and everything.
No
Well –
But sometimes he talks about flesh... and bacchanals.
No... dont. Just put it out of your mind.
I know
Family picture!
What? Honey
Yes
No
We decided that theres no way Dwight would harm a child.
No
But its free. And well keep our eye on them.
Yes!
And well make sure Dwight doesnt do anything C-R-A-Z-Y.
Yeah?
Okay.
Oh
Okay.
You ready?
There we go.
Ill just stand here?
See? That wasnt so hard.
You hit her?
Oh
But have you ever actually seen him yourself?
David
For us
Kay
Yes
And he wanted Jim to be a part of it too.
He said if it takes off hes gonna buy us a new car.
And that was our summer.
Dont you guys have everything. I mean
Oh
Dwight!
What are you doing?
I will?
Sure
No.
Dwight
Exactly the way it is.
Yes
Find someone else
You ready?
Kay.
The buildings custodian is on vacation for the month and Dwight is too cheap to hire a replacement. So
Well
No
‘Kay.
Yes
I dont think you guys understand why were doing this. Its-
Ive been through several rounds of development with the team and heres where we stand with the chore wheel.  introducing a third ‘chore wheel
The tiny wheel actually does have chores. Its so cute no one seems to mind.
Toilets!
Thanks
Yeah. Im afraid hes only gonna have hot dogs.
Planned a wedding with him. He wanted hot dogs.
Think so.
Thank you.
Yes
Whos that?
Ha-ha.
No. Roy? No.
We still surprise each other.
You know
Yes. But
In Phoenix. They should really tell you that more specifically. I mean
Tell me one thing about you I dont know.
And you thought you guys were millionaires.
Yes. But theres
Thought you were millionaires
Uh-huh.
Yes. But John Stamos was temporary. I quickly moved on to-
Johnny Depp.
I think maybe there actually is something I dont know about Jim.
OK. Well
I ran into this guy from my high school who has just gotten divorced and he hit on me. In the mall. And I didnt tell you because
Yeah
Just tell me.
Jim
Jims at the dentist this morning. And Steve is an actor friend of ours.
. Is everything okay?
Great.
Nellie
Im sorry
You know
Brake lights. Break lights! Break lights! Break lights!!!
Pretty crazy about Andy and Michelle Obama
What?
Sure.
So hes not related to Michelle Obama?

Nellies pretty fearless. And I think she might be maybe even almost sort of fun.

Yeah—turn signal. Its exciting to be painting again—those are the wipers. So—the—its—just. There you go! Yeah.   Yeah
Well
Angela insisted that all the animals be fully clothed.
Good. Very good.  Oh—no! Here. Its
Oh
Oh—gee—Im—
Brilliant!
Ummm. Oh! Ill say hes related to Richard Nixon. Its an inside joke. He looks really Nixon-y when he wakes up.
Im sorry. Its just
Jim? No.
Because he just loves me too much.
Good. Good. And—
So what did you want to show me?
Yeah. Its really ugly
You mean me?
Oh my god! I love it! Uh
What?! No! I-I got this.   Okay?
I still cant believe he didnt tell me.
I was helping Nellie drive—
Thank you.
Week off. Thatd be great.
Oh
A dozen different pies? Cause that means rhubarb.
Yeah
Whats this?
Its OK. You know what they say
Oh my god! Ah!
You know what? Its fine
Oh! Yes!  Group cheers
My name is Pam.
I like to paint.
You think youre better?
Oh no you aint!
Hey
No
Then why isnt he scheming? Or preparing to avenge?
Hey honey
Phyllis! Thats not safe.
Go up and check on him. Hes upset.
Please? Just make sure hes OK?
Oh!   Hey! Howd it go?
Yeah?
You feel OK now?
Well
the one pie that I dont.
Oh my god. Im getting so stuffed.
You did it.
Role call.
Hey.
I am Dr. Cinderella.
Im an oncologist and you are a dog.
So the sports marketing business that Jim told everyone about except for me?
Unless he has a secret costume that he told everyone about except for me.
Yeah
You were in an a capella group?
Yeah. I mean
I kind of am. Its crazy.
Okay.
Okay I give up. What are you?
Gross. I love it.
Hey
Did you end up investing?
How much?
About ten?
Wow.
Wow.
No yeah. Yeah.
So did everybody ...
Did everybody end up investing ten thousand?
What?
They said they were done with the investing and then you volunteered ten thousand dollars?
So you invested ten thousand dollars to look like a team player?
Talk about it now.
Jim
We said some. We said ‘some.
We said part not all.
Oh you have to Jim? You literally have to?
No Im just
No! No
Yeah
Andys family had a total meltdown. His dad blew through all their money and took off to Argentina with a younger woman.
The weirdest part is Andy. The aftermath got dumped on him and the way hes been handling it is just..so..
Right?
Oh
Nope
Oh
Hes gonna be disappointed.
Please hold for Ms. Black.
Good afternoon Iris
No the papers not toxic.
Unless its exposed to oxygen. Then it becomes extremely toxic!
Andy.
Can you go instead?
Youve got this Schrute.
Oh
Hello
Okay
Okay
Okay
Huh.   Uh huh.
A little smile and a nod shows that I hear you. Got it?
Nellie
Ten years ago
You know
Dwight
Okay
Mm-hmm. Good. Baby steps.
Like
Oh
Okay
Oh my God. Its Jan.
Jan used to be one of my superiors
Jim and I are pretty sure she had an affair with her ex-assistant Hunter. He was 17. But she looks great. If she asks
Forget everything we taught you. Hey
What?
Sorry. Um
So this was all just a trick. You dont really have any business to give?
But not to us.
You did good
What?
Yeah.
Yeah. Um
Wow. Your voice is as lovely as ever.
And it is so cute how she signs her name.
Oh
Oh
Of course.
Um... A... X? I dont -- you got me.
Im so sorry. I hate this. Youre better.
Mm. Excuse me. Could I get some more water?
Oh
Okay
Oh
Dwight
Thats a license number?
Oh. Why me?
These are my painting clothes.I think Im gonna do it. I am really gonna start painting the warehouse mural today.
Are you avoiding your phone call?
Last week Jim wasnt there
Tell them your opening line.
I think its good. He likes fishing.
I guess if I make a mistake
Yeah. Painting now. I just want to make sure that...
Its probably gonna be a few minutes. So you can just go back to doing whatever you were doing.
I could get us a complaint.
No
Hello
Basically I couldnt tell
I-- I thought they were confused at least...
I did not know that.
Im so sorry.
If youre an artist
Shut up
Im sure its fine. its a blue shirt.
Im on it.
Were the party planning committee
Yes! Phyllis!
What does that even mean? Where would your name appear?
The party planning committee
Dwight
And that is...
That there are no rules.
Youre welcome.
What is it?   Dont touch it.
Oh!
I feel like  --Dwight is holding a candle and reading a poem.
And the fear.
Wow.
Mouse trap.
Oh
Well...this is it.
Shut up. Im trying to be serious.
I cant believe this is actually happening.
Okay.   Good luck. Youre gonna be great.
Okay.
Love you.
Whats going on?
For what its worth
I dont think anyone thought that.
Well
Zero.
Dwight
Jim!
Oh--Oh my god!
What happened? Did you miss your bus?
What?
Jims been spending a few days a week in Philly and Im not gonna lie
Great. Everythings great. Hey are you nervous about your big meeting?
Oh
Good luck!
Love you.
Hey Meredith
He didnt leave me. He just went part time.   Can you just fill out the form please?
Im sure shes just confused. People scratch their heads when theyre confused. Not always like an ape
Dwight
Stop that!
Alright
No! How? Im so clean!
Guys
Maybe it was Meredith. Maybe she brought in lice that are totally different than the lice that i got from Cece. So lets not jump to the simplest conclusion that she got her lice from me. That is how wars get started. Fine
Hey
Oh my God
Oh stop! I am so sorry!
Nothing.
I am going to tell her
Shes right
Oh! Uh
No
Okay.
Oh
Hes really making you work for it
Great. I am killing it over here.   Jim
Hey
Creed
Well
Hello?
What
You guys
Is there a volume knob on that thing?
Meredith
I meant to say something earlier. I just...
Hey honey
Im just gonna go home. My moms been watching the kids all day.
Really? A beer sounds incredible right now.
Meredith
I just did not realize how hard it was gonna be without Jim. I mean
Get it
This ones for all you ladies out there.
Not yet.
Hey
Ha ha. Thatd be great. Kind of like ditching school
A delivery guy will deliver a box of pens
Okay
You ready for your interview?
Well
Really
Good!
I just wanted to see you!
Wow
Sure
Thats sweet that he talks about me.
Well
Theyre the ones who put a fish tank next to a basketball hoop. Its like if I put a glass of milk on the edge of the table and Cece knocks it over
Say they dont hire you. Its not like youre out on the street. You have a great job with people who love you.
Right? Thank you! Its just Philly. Everyones acting like its New York or Paris or London.
Not us.
Congratulations.
I guess you gotta move to Philly after all.
No
Everybody dance now...
Hey... What happened here?
...Are the pens here?
: Did you send Dwight on a quest for the Holy Grail?
You dont remember?
Theres nothing down here.
Hey
Oh
Senator Lipton helped me submit my design for a new mural on a building downtown. Now Im just waiting to hear from the selection committee. But
Well
Hey
Lets call him.
Hey
What?
Hon
Of course.
Yes
I know how to operate my phone
Oh
Hello? Yes
Um
Shh! Kids are dancing.
Hey
Anyone want to see the video from Ceces recital?
All right
Okay.
Wait. What?
Excuse me
Oh
Well
I havent told anyone here about the mural yet. I want Jim to be the first to know. Whenever I tell him good news
Night
Night
Hey.
So
Im so sorry.
Oh
Um
No
Yeah
Is there-- um... you want to ease up a little bit?
I dont know
You know what? I-- I-- I dont think you want to start a conversation with me about whats fair. Okay? This is way more intense than I ever --
I am-- I am-- I am trying to make everything perfect here
Yep.
Yep. Ill talk to you tomorrow.
Bye.  quietly crying
What am I doing wrong

Its getting tougher. I just didnt know that it was gonna be this hard.
Thank you.
Hey Brian
I feel awful.
Well
Yeah
Um
Okay. Thank you.
When are you talking to David Wallace?
Too late. My hopes are up.
Its fine. Its just a seating arrangement. Doesnt matter.
Well
Hey
Hide
Yeah.
Oh
Yeah
Of course.
Okay.
Bye.
Im good.
Hey
Us.
Okay. Okay

No
Ive really been putting in the hours on this mural. And my boss is totally OK with it
ascends on lift
I dont demand justice often. Im not like Angela
Conference room. Everybody. Now!
Yes
Yeah.
I have terrible news. Someone defaced my mural. They painted all over it.
Yeah
I dont think so
Different colored paint. I wanted different colored paint in the spots where they put their paint. So
Yes. Thank you. Lets answer that question.
What? Come on guys. We need to figure out who did this and punish them. This isnt just about me. This is about all of us. This is our mural. Dont you see? How much we worked on this? How much time and energy? We put our heart and soul into this thing.
Sure did. I was as surprised as you
No
You will?
Thank you.
Yeah?
Great.
I was hoping for a righteous mob
We need another approach. Um
See
Tell us who defaced the mural!
All right. You can go. Give him his gum.
Maybe
Well
What was that?
Whoa! Hey! That is not OK. What are you gonna do about that?
That sucked. He didnt apologize. Theres no talking to that guy.
We should just take him down.
Im saying we should go scorched earth on that guys face.
Yes!
Yes!
We need an infiltrator.
Clark?
Shh
Shh. Remember your lines.
Hey
OK. What does he like? Whats important to him? Does he have like a favorite pair of boots or a lunch box or...
Yeah
Oh
OK.   Do you know the plate... never mind. Why would you know that? And why would I be asking that?
Yeah. I was kinda hoping you could. I gotta go. Bye.   Come on.
Im done. What are you... Is that supposed to be my mural?
Aw
Oh
Yeah. And he has saggy boobs.
Yeah. I feel better.
I know. You miss Angela
I got back at Frank in the most fitting way possible. With my art. The paints are water-based. Its gonna come off with a hose. But
No
So? You started it!
Whoa.
Well
You shouldnt be fired. I mean
Forget about my mural. Its stupid.
Its crazy. Brian
Thanks
Hey. I feel so lucky were in the same city for Valentines Day.
Alakazam!
And
These are gross.
Oh
Its with Brian and Alyssa.
I know. But we should go. We need to thank him for
That sounds nice.
Sorry were late.
Ha
Hes on a no carb thing. Supposedly.
Yeah.
Well
Wheres Alyssa?
Oh.
Yeah.
OK
I didnt tell you about the crying because I didnt want you to know how upset I was. Because it wouldve stressed you out and youre always saying how much you dont want more stress.
Its not Brians fault.
OK.
Oh?
Are you sure?
Yeah.
OK.
sees its a drawing of hers
Thank you.
I dont think you should go to Philly tonight. I think that you should stay and I think we should fight.
Yeah
He sounds like a wounded animal.
Ok.
Oh thats mine! Um
Jim set up a job interview for me today in Philly. Its um
Uh
hello!
Hi! Hey
Ok
Whats that? Is that a-
How are you
Yes. It is. And thank you so much for setting up this opportunity
Thanks.
Wait
Ha ha.
Bye.
Hello.
Hi
Im Pam Halpert.
Oh my god. Hes Michael Scott.
Oh my god.
Yeah
Oh
So um-
Yeah
Yes.
Two children
I am not pr-
Pregnant
Wow.
Im sorry I thought this job was for the position of office manager.
So
Yes.
I spent 10 years as a receptionist
hey!
Oh my gosh
Eight? Really?
Sure. I mean
Love you.
Hello?
Oh
Oh
Oh
Youre very quick on your feet. I remember you. Funny.
So
Oh
Guess what poster he had on his wall?
MmMm.
MmMm. Youre getting colder.
No. The Odd Life of Timothy Green.
I dont know
He said he cant help but tear up when he looks at it. Its like right next to his desk. He must look at it twenty times a day.
Mmhm.
I dont know.
I know. Its just even if it was
Is it? I just
Oh
... bad.
Todd
I think its called Nibbles.
Hey
I dont think we should eat Packers cupcakes. We cant give him the satisfaction.
We cant let him buy our forgiveness with cupcakes. He was awful to us. And
Would any of you be saying any of this if the cupcakes were from Supermart?
So
Kevin
Yes. He was a good spy.
Guys
Wait!
No
Good morning
Hey
Phyllis!
No!
Oh my god! Is everyone OK?
Wow. He is officially the worst human being.
But
Phyllis has gotten into audio books and lately shes been listening to 50 Shades of Grey. Which
Yeah.
Be careful. I pulled my moms dog off a pillow once
Shes listening to 50 Shades of Grey.
Cici has been calling me Pamela. Like four times this week.
I wonder if shell start calling you Jim.
Um.
Youre- You know your assistant told me that you have a big pitch meeting today. With Ryan Howard. How did that happen?
Oh
Um
Yeah
Ok.
Bye.
Uh huh.
It wasnt so bad.
Weird to see how we used to look in those promos. Some of us have changed so much.
Oh my god!
Brian?
Yeah
Hey!
Hi
Oh my gosh
Sure
OK.   Oh wow
Oh
Cheers.
So..
Well
Yeah. Its kinda crazy.
See all this like old stuff
Yeah
Yeah
Im sorry. Did that? That was out of the blue-
I just mean because you know us and you like observed us for ten years and I feel like hes- I just feel like...hes so into his work right now and....I dont know
Well
You know
How much stuff you got.
Well yeah
So we basically had no privacy for ten years.
Um...yeah
No I think you explained it.
I hope you got sound on everything. Id love a DVD of that.
Well
I wish.
Oh
Hmm.
You know
I mean
He took this job in Philly without telling me. He bought our house without telling me. At a certain point
I feel like hes always making these decisions for the family
Im sure Athlead will be a huge success. But I dont want him to do it anymore
I didnt see you! You should have yelled Crossing!
Ok
Thank you. I appreciate that you appreciate that.
So
And we have homework.
And were also supposed to speak our truths.
Because if I had spoken my truth sooner about not wanting to move to Philly
Hey!
Oh
Well
Oh
I acknowledge with gratitude that you are being kind and responsible enough to include it in your calendar.
Well
Uh
Really? Ive been putting the kids to bed by myself every night for a months. And you had to miss one phone call. Is that your truth
Were not high.
I wish wed started this exercise six months ago. My heart just feels so... blocked up.
Ok.
Jim!
Alright
Bye.
I love you.
Its great.
The phone has been ringing off the hook. The guys in Philly are kind of going nuts.
Nice morning
Wow.
its okay. You can sit in the annex.
Ill come visit you.
Oh
Yes. Yeah.
Oh
I could give you some beginner stickies?
Here you go.
Mm-hmm.
Its all yours.
Hey.
Hi.
Um
Oh
I did!
Super important.
Okay.
All right. I did not come back here just to see you.
I dont know
Exactly.
Im back. Oh
Yeah
Oh
They are.
Whats going on?
Congratulations
Its nice to have you back.
Oh
Is that them again?
Maybe you should call back?
When Jim decided to come back to Scranton full-time
Question.
We are expecting a water delivery today at 10am. What if
What are you so excited about?
What are you up to?
Nice.
Theme song from Saved by the Bell.
Darryl
Cool
Aha. Hows Athlead?
Wow.
He says he doesnt want to.
Well
Thats what he says.
Hey.
Are you happy?
No
And that was fun. But what about a year from now?
What about five years from now?
Because Im so glad youre back
Okay.
I kind of forced you to do it.
Yes
Im afraid that youre gonna resent me and Im afraid that—
This is not enough for you and Im afraid that Im not enough for you.
He does have a gift.
What is this?
Go ahead.
Yeah.
Whats that?
Thank you.
What? Dwight
Well
Angela
I think she looks good. Now that shes wearing sports bras
Darryl! Andy!
Were fine. Yeah.   And Im sure that you guys are fine too. Because why wouldnt you be?
Darryl
Okay
Oh
Wait
Uh
Whoo-hoo...go
No
Well
Im sorry. Is there a question?
Oh
Listen
Yeah
Oh
Michael has so many pictures of his kids he had to get two phones with two numbers and he pays two bills.
Oh
He just so happy to have a family plan.
Is it me? Is it Nellie?
I need to get out of this dress.
Why are you still here?
Okay
About 2 months
Yeah.
Well
Austin? Maybe.
Im doing it for us.
Hold on a second.   Wait
I wanna do this.
I really want to do this!
Were so excited.
Uh
Everyone
Okay.
Dunder Mifflin
I didnt watch the whole documentary. After a few episodes
What about the honeymoon?
I finally feel ready. Athlead is growing...
And Jim can jump back in without skipping a beat. Well come back to visit. But I think its time for us to officially...
Thanks Dwight.
I thought it was weird when you picked us to make a documentary. But all in all...I think an ordinary paper company like Dunder Mifflin was a great subject for a documentary. Theres a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isnt that kind of the point?
Shall I play for you? Pa rum pump um pum   I have no gifts for you. Pa rum pump um pum
Whassup!
Whassup.
What?
Just clearing my desk. I cant concentrate.
Its overlapping. Its all spilling over the edge. One word
You cant do that.
Safety violation. I could fall and pierce an organ.
Downsizing?
Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say
Im Assistant Regional Manager. I should know first.
OK
Please
OK. You tell em. With my permission. Permission granted.
Go ahead.
On his mothers grave.
Pam
Dwight Schrute
Uh... yeah I got a 78 280Z. Bought it for $1
New engine
Damn it! Jim!
He put my stuff in Jell-O again.
Thats real professional thanks. Thats the third time and it wasnt funny the first two times either Jim.
Its OK here
That is my stapler.
OK you know what
Its always you. Are you going to discipline him or not?
Yeah.
OK
Yes I do. I should have done it weeks ago actually.
Retaliation. Tit for tit.
Well
I have two. White and Indian.
A few of the ground rules?
OK
Im sorry. Its an orientation. Its not a race. Plus a lot of other races are intolerant of gays
I figured it would save time.
Excuse me
A hero kills people
A hero is part-human and part-supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma
We all have a hero in our heart.
Lots of cultures eat rice
Um... Shalom. Id like to apply for a loan.
OK
Outback steakhouse.   Im Australian
Oh
Yes. I can do it. Im your man.
OK
OK
Yes
OK
Thank you.
What did I do? I did my job. I slashed benefits to the bone. I saved this company money. Was I too harsh? Maybe. I dont believe in coddling people.
In the wild
Uh
Same thing.
Just knock
Oh gee
Yes. And my decision in final.
Aww
Sure.
Dont need it. Never been sick. Perfect immune system.
I dont need them. Superior genes. Im a Schrute. And superior brain power. Through concentration
So I can lower it.
Its a great plan. It saves the company a fortune.
Yeah
I can handle that.
OK
OK
Damnit! Damnit Jim!
All right
Uh
Uh
You did this
Yes you did.
I know it was you. Fine. You know what? Ill have to interview each and every one of you until the perpetrator makes him or herself known. And until that time
The problem
Why did you write that down Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
I think you need to confess...
...the fact...
What are you doing? Those are my keys.
Jim! Damnit! No! Jim! Let me out! Jim! Let...  Without looking
Let me out.
Let me out or youre fired.
Yes I can. Im manager for the day. Clean out your desk.
Jim! Open the door!
Jim!
Jim!
Jim!
Jim!
Uh
Hi. Dwight Schrute calling
Dwight Schrute.
Well...
He is not here right now. He put me in charge of the office.
Thats not entirely true
Yeah.
Call you immediately. Good. Oh
Oh
Michael. Michael?
I tried being rational
Im now going to read out loud your submitted medical conditions. When you hear yours read
You know what? You have forfeited that privilege. I have tried to treat you all as adults
I thought your v*g1n* was removed during your hysterectomy?
OK
Yeah
I most certainly did not.
Oh
Michael!?
I wanted to talk to you about the downsizing?
I
Yeah
Bottom line. Do I need to be worried?
Its a real shame
I didnt do it. What do you mean? Oh
Hey
Do you want to form
Good
Did you get your tickets?
The gun show.
Theres one other thing and this is important. Lets keep this alliance totally a secret. Dont tell anyone.
Jim! Hey. Hi
Did you tell Pam about the alliance?
Just now.
Right
Mmm hmm.
Done.
They seem awfully chummy
Only one way to find out.
What? I believe it.
I could tell
Good
Oh
Damn it. God!
God... Damn it! Why us?
Jackpot.
Hey
I dont think shed be missed.
Name
She had a hysterectomy.
Thats where they remove the uterus.
It could be kind of funny.
Oh my God
No no
I know. I know exactly what to do.
Im a deer hunter. I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer
This is going to be perfect
So tape it down.
Look
No
Can I trust Jim? I dont know. Do I have a choice? No
Oh.
I have absolutely no idea.
Do I feel bad about betraying Jim? Not at all. Thats the game. Convince him were in an alliance
Thats politics baby. Get what you can out of someone
Michael!
Michael
Oh
I apologized for that.
Michael
I can handle that.
And thats why you have an assistant regional manager.
Same thing.
Its close.
So we need someone to work this Saturday and I think that
Gimli.
Just trying to be helpful.
Michael
Yes!
Can I be team captain?
Can I be team manager?
Assistant team manager?
OK
OK
What? Shirts on or off?
You sure?
De-fense!  clap
Yeah!   In your face!
Yes!
Here
s*x.
Torture.
Cocks in the henhouse.
So am I.
Doesnt matter.
The purse girl hits everything on my checklist. Creamy skin. Straight teeth. Curly hair. Amazing breasts. Not for me
Hmmm... shes been talking to Michael a lot.
Assistant to the Regional Manager.
Thats true.
True. Plus I can talk to her about the origins of my last name.
Whats that?
I dont want a purse. Purses are for girls.
No.
Like those?
Okay
Its actually better this way.
Michael could I ask you something? I wanted to ask your permission to ask out Katy. I know its against the rules and everything. Because...
Thank you
What?
Is that all it is? Just a ride home? Like a taxicab?
Please. Please
You cannot promise me
Do you love her?
Hey
It will just take a second.
Just for a minute.
Please? I wanted to talk to you in private because I wanted to ask you out on a date.
Ok was that no to talking to me in private
Mine are at home in a display case above my bed.
So
So who are we laughing at?
Who? Dave Barry?
What is it? Who wrote it?
That is defacement of company property. So you better tell me. Kelly
No
...no
No
What were you doing in there?
I am not.
Excuse me
We are going to have two mens rooms.
Be prepared to hold folks   From 9 am to...
Nnnnno
...for peoples behavior.
And its-
Yes!
Best Dundies ever.
Welcome to the eighth annual Dundies awards.
Before we get started
The waitress tripped on the cord.
Really? We dont have any girls from HR.
Yeah?
Yeah!
Like an AIDS test?
Quick
Dont get into that now. We need something to cushion her head. Throw pillow? A cush-
Its okay
Ahh! I cant-
Watch your step.
Thanks
So the monkey does the s*x thing right here!
Do you want the link because then you could forward it around?
Consider it?
Yes!
Yeah
Yes.
Hey
You said that we could come to you if we had any questions.
Where is the clitoris? On a website
Good. Good. And...
Okay.
Diversifying. Smart.
And it worked. They should bring the stocks back. Peopled obey the law
You should go.
Uh huh.
You have your lawyer there?
Can I be your representative?
I think I should be there.
Im good. I can make sure things are up to code.
Please
So youre taking a personal day?
Please
Yes! As your representative?
Same thing.
I have been Michaels #2 guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. Were like one of those classic famous teams. Hes like Mozart
What kind of shocks you got on this baby?
I want to put the top down.
But then no one can see us.
Check it out.   Terminator.
Which ones yours?
This is smaller than your old place.
Actually
Actually
Lets go check out the master bedroom.
Oh. Terrible idea.
No
Warrantees dont cover it
Shh Shh.
Listen.   Can you hear that? Oh man. These babies are thin.
What kind of mortgage did you get?
Ho
Wow
Forget about retiring when youre 65. Hey
Well
Hey
Well be here waiting for you.
A thirty year mortgage at Michaels age essentially means that hes buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin
Totally having fun. Can you imagine those poor saps stuck at the office today?
You didnt have to...
I dont even know what to say.
Question. Where can I put my terrarium?
Its a fish tank for snakes and lizards.
Question. My grandparents left me a large number of armoires.
Question. What about carpooling
Question. Can sometimes I drive your car and you drive mine?
Just for fun?
Question. Who is the primary on the fire insurance?
Thank god. It was nice of him to offer
You know you can always refinance your mortgage. We had a 15 year on our beet farm. We paid it off early.
People love beets.
Everybody loves beets.
Lets get this roof going.
Ow.
What is going on?
Thats my stopwatch.
Silver medal.
Michaels in there right now evaluating the temp. He hasnt evaluated me in years.
Michael and I have a very special connection. Hes like Batman
People!
This is not a test! Move to the exits!
Head towards the exits.
Get up off your desks!
No
This is not at drill!
Please
This whole place is a tinder box
This is not a test! Can you leave?!
DO YOU WANT TO DIE?
Do you want to die? OUT!!
STANLEY! Have you ever seen a burn victim?
Move to the exits!
Weve got smoke! Weve got smoke! Smoke! Gah!   Oh
Cover your nose and mouth. Breathe through your nose.
Breathe through your nose. Remove your stockings. Okay? Theyll melt right into your flesh! Stay below the smoke line. Lets go! Clear out
Okay
Hey
NO!
Okay
Oh
Thats funny
Hey guys
Okay. Great
Then I would bring an axe
Fine. Physicians Desk Reference.
...hollowed out
Is this your car
Good shocks.
Do it.
Keep an existing...
Yeah
Self taught. You didnt even go to college.
Come on. Im studying with the master
You should learn from him
Right?
Stupid!
The Crow.
Why didnt I go to business school?
The temp.
Yeah
He doesnt even know that I do that.
Oh yeah
Im sorry I said that
Oh Jim
Thanks you guys. I just need some alone time.
Would that make you happy?
If you had your cell phone
Im on it.

Everyone
Thats exactly what I said.
Were you absent?
You failed?
I have a song. Attention
Everybody!
... Marilyn Monroe!
Eat it! You gotta eat it. You have to eat it!
Answer me this
Was it worth it? Was it worth it temp?
Really?
The fire guy! The fire guy!
Joe McCarthy
What is that?! What are you supposed to be?
Yeah
I am a Sith Lord.   Oh big deal. Three round pieces of paper taped to a shirt. This cost me 129 dollars.
Wait
Jim. Definitely.
Phyllis.
Stanley. Pam. Oscar. Meredith. Kevin. Angela.
One of the warehouse guys.
Who is he saying?
No
No
Not Dwight.
I know thats what he said.
Tell him
Tell him to stop.
Quiet
Make him be quiet.
Stanley
As Assistant Regional Manager...
Look! Ive got some bad news. Youre fired. You need to pack up your things and go.   Im serious
He wouldnt listen to me
If you want to fire him
Cumberland Mills?! And how did you get my resume? Oh no
Would I ever leave this company? Look
So you got the fax? So why didnt you add it to the res... ? What do you mean? Of course martial arts training is relevant. Oh
This is called leveraging an offer.   Michael
I just thought you should know that I was just offered a job with better pay
And I turned it down.
Out of loyalty to this company...
... so I was hoping to be made Assistant Regional Manager officially.
But then you wouldnt have me here.
Its in Maryland.
I cant. I... I suppose I coul... no. They never really made me an offer anyway.
Where is my desk?
This is not funny. This is totally unprofessional.
I didnt lose my desk.
Okay
Ok
In bathroom
Jim
Its by the ream?
...now
Wash your hands
Sensei
Dwight...
Yes
No
I am now Sempai
Assistant Sensei.
I am a practitioner of Goju Ru Karate
Impossible. The way theyre programmed... Youre mocking me.
Look
Ok
No. That is not a toy.
Please?
Arigatou. This is not a toy. This is a message to the entire office so they can see that I am capable of physically dominating them.
No women or children
Warehouse guy. Doesnt count.
Because were friends.
Argggg!
What belt are they?
No!
Michael
Ok
Kiyah!
Did I want to harm Michael? The one man Ive been hired to protect? No
I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran. Killed 20 men then spent the rest of the war in an Allied Prison Camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.
to Kevin
Good.
Now watch
I didnt sucker punch you
In case you remember
Ok
No
Yeah.
No
Ive got the key.
Yes
Hiii!
Yes!
Eat it!
Two more.
No.
It was my pants.
No holding.
No
No
I need to change my emergency contact information from Michael Scott.
Just put The Hospital. Contact number : just put 9-1-1.
Im busy.
Of course.
Michael
I can handle it. I can. Wow. So I guess this will just be my office.
Ill have Pam send out a memo.
Just a formality.
Michael
Thank you
Good luck
Ok
You took something that doesnt belong to you.
Brought it in here-
Made copies of it-
Not now!
Ok
Not in a thousand years
Yes
If it isnt my old partner
Thank you for noticing. Now keep me company for one more mission.
Pow! Pow! Pow!
Yes
Samuel
D-W-I-G-H-T.
Ok
Uh
Michael? Michael?   Michael?   His cars not in the parking lot. I should check the accident reports.   Whos this? Jan?
Did you do her?
Jan Levinson-Gould.
Did you do her?
And she is your boss.
You should get one of these.
Do you even know what this is? It is a fitness orb and it has completely changed my life. Forget everything you thought you knew about ab workouts.
This ab workout is specifically designed to strengthen your core.   Sorry.
Numerous health benefits
Plus
Its only twenty-five bucks.
Oh
Tell Michael that we should be stocking more of the double-tabbed manila file folders.
Oh
Yeah
Uh
Ugh
Uh
Saturday.
Who? Who was it? Who did he fire?
No
What should we do to prepare for Y2K?
It happens occasionally.
Tom?
Next suggestion.
You need to do something about your B.O.
You need-
To do something about-
Yeah
Next suggestion.
Dont sleep with your boss? Do you think this is referring to you boning Jan?
You are giving me this raise! I deserve this raise!   Yes!   Yes! Yes! Hiya! The least you can do is keep my salary consistent with inflation! Keeya eyah! Yes! Why are you gonna give me this raise? Why? Because... Im awesome! I am awesome!
Michael?
Im sorry
Great.
I am ready for my performance review.
Uh
That is an excellent question. Thank you for asking. Let me bring up one word : dedication.   I have never been late. Also
I have a copy of your key.
Id also further like to talk about my merits in the workplace.
For instance
You liked it!
Jan
Its a delicacy. And you know what? Its an aphrodisiac. So when were done here
And in conclusion
Smallville. And that is why
Im here! Im here! Im here! Its ok!
Mi-
Sorry.
Ok
You have to tell me.
Look
Yeah
Or get hit by a car-
Or a bus or a train. Get poisoned
So its true? You have access to our e-mails?
Oh hey
Good.
Nice.
Does he have access to their medical records?
I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer sheriff
Question : on the Internet there are several different options to get to your house for the party tonight-
I was wondering-
Why?
Like who? Who doesnt know?
Why just Michael?
Is it?
Oh
I wont.
Battlestar Galatica.
I cant-
Tonight.
Unfortunately
Clarinet.
Have fun tonight! Whatever it is that youre doing
Jim! You really think this is a good idea
You dont work with us.
Thanks. Yeah
When is the guest of honor coming?
Hes gonna love it!
Surprise!   Everybody!
Go. Get the door.
Go. Push!
Push!
Really shove it.
Shove it through! Break it!
I got a splinter.
Ive got it leveraged. Push. Straight up.
One
You guys should use a hand truck.
No.
Michael
Okay
Gather round. Secret Santa
I want to do it.
Hey
First present
Okay. Okay. Thats enough. Lets keep it moving on. Jim.
Pam.
All right
Michael.
We dont do anything until Michael gives us further instructions.
Yes
Angela
Okay
Its already been stolen this round. Pick something else.
You and me
I never said it was better than an iPod.
Michael keeps bragging about his iPod
Take that
Pam
Yes! There you go. I want the teapot. Gracias.
Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets ... Christmas.
No trades.
A real man makes his own luck. Billy Zane. Titanic.
No. I want it. Im going to use it.
True. But I get sinus infections
.. and pouring it directly into your nose
This is so awesome.
Thank you.
Oh
You shouldnt do things like that. The man is supposed to do that.
Yes.
Hello. Jim?
This is not funny. Why is my stuff in here?
Yeah
Yeah
No
Uh
Okay
But I dont have any...
Five
Good morning
Aye aye
Cool.
Limbo
Me! Me
Im stronger.
I was the youngest pilot in Pan Am history. When I was four
What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?
I cant. Do you want us to run aground
Wow. You should be the motivational speaker.
Yeah. He gives me real responsibility
Seasick? Captain Jack says you should look at the Moon.
Dont worry
silence
Im coming Michael!
Im gonna save you!
Hold on Michael! I am coming! Wait there!
Your foot?
It slipped.
Sorry.
Hey
What?
No
What is wrong with you?
Aw
Yeah
Oh
Yeah
Why would they all be...? Ok
These covers are totally indestructible.
Yeah. Throw it. I promise it wont break. Chuck it.
Oh no
No
Yep.
Huh. Do you like candy?
Cause youre sweeter than candy.
Dad?
Uh
I want Michael to take me...
Choo choo choo choo choo choo...
Vietnam sounds.
Tired...
Want to take a rake... .
Ahh!
Ok
Youre the best.
It smells like chicken soup.
I have to go to the hospital.
Where we going?
Ill be back
Why?
Aw

Oh
Where are we going?
Where are we going?
I found it under the seat.
Im thirsty.
No!
Im thirsty!
No.
You cant fire me
No.
Mmmmm...
My eyes!
My eyes!
Danger.
Hi Michael!
Ahhh. Mweehaa
What is that?
Thats what she said.
I dont want to do this.
Oh.
Whats up-dog?
Good. How are you doing?
Empty mind.
Meredith
Thats unacceptable.
Michael.
Oscar is out sick.
Can I do some of the talking?
Ok
And Dwight.
Ask him his symptoms. Im on Web M.D.
Checks out.
Ok. First impressions?
Which is exactly how youd wanna sound like if you wanted someone to think you were sick.
Question? May I investigate?
Listen Temp. I am conducting a little investigation so Im no longer going to be able to head up spring cleaning. Do you think you can handle it?
Do you think? Or do you know?
Oh God
Hey Oscar how ya doin? Dwight Schrute calling. Listen a little question for you
There are several different ways to tell if a perp is lying. The liar will avoid direct eye contact. The liar will cover part of his or her face with his hands
Ok
Oh
Ok. So what is the secret Michael?
Is that true?
Thank you Michael. I know your telling the truth.
I can tell. I wont let you down.
Who took all the black ones?
So
Sniffling how?
Three.
Ok
Quick Oscar update. I have conducted interviews with everyone in the office.
Including prep time?
As a volunteer Sheriffs Deputy I have been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me. So I tailed her for six straight nights. Turns out she was
Stay low... This is it... There he is. Hes been gone for at least two hours. Who is that? Come to Papa... Oh yes. Lets roll. I knew it! You are so busted. Ice skates
This is Dwight Schrute. Who is this?
How bout this. I dont tell Michael and in exchange you owe me one great big giant favor. Redeemable by me at a time and place of my choosing.
Guess what I found out about Oscar tonight? He was lying about being sick. Should I have reported Oscars malfeasance. Hmm
Its still stinky.
She probably scrubbed it into the fibers of the carpet. Total permeation.
Ha ha ha... the old bullpen.
Okay.
Yeah!
Mm.
No way!
And who had your office?
That guy Miles who quit to form his own company?
No!
I thought he was out on the road.
Ah.
Michael.
What?
Yeah!
Should we help em pick up their stuff?
Okay.
Hello
Jethro Tull...
I need to make a sales call. Please?
on phone
Yeah!
It is so on!
Michael is gonna wipe the floor with us!
But youre the one who picked today.
Its a terrible idea.
Them in there all together. If they stay in there too long theyre going to get on the same cycle. Wreak havoc on our plumbing.
Yeah!
We could do it in the warehouse.
Remember on Lost when they met the Others?
Okay. Lets go. Step up.
Michael wants us to bond so we need topics for conversation.
No.
No.
Yeah and then they make you drive them to Church the next morning. Like Gas aint free!
Not literally.
Word.
And you want me to come with you.
I will stay here and run things on this end.
Question. Will you be seeing Jan when youre in New York?
Well... Its Valentines Day
Screwed.
Whats this? What is this?
Yeah
Happy Valentines Day.   Its me. Im the bobble head. Yes!   Ahh!
Hello Angela. Did you hear
Oh I did. I did.
Oh
Pam. Hi
No
Girlfriend. Yes
(smirking) Exactly.
You mean
Ok
Ok
Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf
They are either going to say yes... or no.
Think it through.
Fumble! Yaaah!
Hut! Hut! Hut! Hike!
Ryan.
Ooh. Theyre having a sale on TiVo. Maybe I should get a TiVo. Oh. DVD Burner! Maybe I should get one of those. You are so lucky
Oh
Ha! I dont get it.
Well
What if I give a really long
When I was in the sixth grade
I cant do this.
Oh
Okay
Ill try and think of one. When...
Is that an insult or is that part of the public speaking advice?
Saleswoman has a v*g1n*.
But Im right?
Hey. Do you remember the speeches that you gave?
Could I have a copy of one of them?
Yeah!
That is so great about the bonus!
Excuse me! May I have your attention please? There has been an accident on 84 West. Cars have skidded off the road into the safety railing. Several cars have flipped. There is broken glass everywhere. Several people are injured.
Brad Pitt. Also there will be no bonuses.
They are unrelated.
He will never act again. Also
Yes.
Good morning
Uh
Michael
I can travel anywhere except Cuba. And I will travel to New Zealand. And walk the Lord of the Rings trail to Mordor. And then I will hike Mount Doom. So... no... just leave me alone.
Oh please! Youre not taking any trip.
You did?
Yes. I am.
Which is?
Ill glance at it.
Thank you
No
Blood alone moves the wheels of history! Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation
WE ARE WARRIORS!
Salesman of Northeastern Pennsylvania
Yeah. Yes!
No revolution is worth anything unless it can defend itself.
Some people will tell you salesman is a bad word. Theyll conjure up images of used car dealers and door to door charlatans. This is our duty - to change their perception. I say salesmen... and women of the world unite! We must never acquiesce for it is together
Ok
It was amazing. I wish you would have been there.
What? Something happened?
Weird.
Con artist.
Mmm... hello tiny one.
You are the future!
There is no way that hurt.
Little girl. Come over here. Shake my hand. Come on
No
You call your mom Meredith? Thats very disrespectful.
You can refer to me as Mister Schrute.
Schrute. Mister Schrute.
... Schrute.  Jim and Abby snicker
That was Greensleeves. A traditional English Ballad about the beheaded Anne Boleyn. And now
Theres a photo...
These are cautionary tales for kids
Nazi was a fascist movement...
...from the 1930s...
I was gonna teach the children how to make corn-husk dolls.
...Okay.
We have better service than they do!
Is that a real fun shooting windmill?
And he is on TV now!
Uh
Well at least Im not a horrible little latchkey kid who got suspended from school. So...
And they do
The Schrutes consider children very valuable. In the olden days
Yes. There he is
Birthday hug!
That suit is amazing.
Mmm. Maybe I should get one.
Ebay. Hm. Question! May I be in charge of the party planning festivities?
Excellent. On my part
Lets get the party started.
Party planning committee
Not my problem. Here is a list of things that Michael would like to be surprised by.
Yes
Its For the Longest Time
I probably care more than she does.
Uh
Listen up everyone! It is 11:23 exactly
There is a tradition that the Hebrews have of hoisting the birthday boy up on a chair.
So come help me celebrate Michaels birth moment. Kevin!
Creed! Come on. Stanley!
On three
Happy birth moment
One. Two. Three!
Oscar...
Okay
F. Alright
Thirty nine... sixty.
Why tip someone for a job Im capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can
Here they come.
Come and get it!
Uh
Hey temp
Hell
Oh. I got it.
This is the most important day of the year. I cant risk anything.
What about that meeting... later... to discuss finances?
But what if im hungry?
Here we go. Make a wish.
Yaoo yay!
Pam was supposed to get em.
Where have you been? And dont say the bathroom
Please
Ill get someone to take it down.
YEAH!
Turn it around. Turn it around.
Number one!!
Kevin Malone
Thanks
Lets go over some of the symptoms of marijuana use
I like the people I work with generally
Stop! This is not Kelly Kapoor story hour. Illegal drugs were consumed on company property
I didnt know that you were at a party on Saturday night.
Okay
Dont make me do this the hard way.
I go down to the police station on my lunch break. I tell a police officer
I cant stop this investigation. It is my job.
I volunteered for this job.
It is my duty...
...to investigate the crime scene. I have six more interviews to go and then I will reveal what I know.
If you are attempting to compliment me then you have done a very good job.
Well
...because being a narc is one of the hardest jobs that you can have...
...and I am very proud of being a narc.
Oscar visited Mexico when he was five to attend his great-grandmothers funeral. What does that mean to a United States law enforcement officer? Hes a potential drug mule.
Have you ever taken any illegal drugs?
Do you think its possible that maybe you could have had some drugs in your system without you knowing about it?
Have you ever... pooped... a balloon?
He sure left in a hurry.
I dont want to blow this. This is what all good law enforcement officers dream of. The chance to solve an actual crime.
Do you know what this is?
How do you know that?
Dammit.
No
Thats ridiculous
I would remember.
Thats not how it works.
Knock it off

I know youre innocent
Where were you yesterday after work?
Attention everyone. Drug testers are coming in a couple of hours to test everyones urine.
Company policy. If drugs are found on the premises there is automatic drug testing conducted within twenty-four hours.
No you cant do that.
No you cannot. It has to be official
Kevin
Angela
Youre not on anything?
Good.
Thank you
No
You will be. That is the law according to the rules.
Hi
Mine was green.
Im all better.
What kind of filing?
That goes directly to the tester.
Like in a cup?
For what purpose?
Then I refuse.
Are you serious?
But thats illegal.
Not my urine.
Were you forced to do drugs at this concert?
I want him to have all the urine he needs.
I know that. Dont you think I know that?
My fathers name was Dwight Schrute. My grandfathers name was Dwight Schrute. His fathers name Dwide Schrude. Amish. I loved my father very much. Every morning hed wake up at dawn and make us biscuits with gravy. When I was little my dad and I played a lot of games together. My dad cheated a lot but I never busted him on it. I would have
Thats great.
Its a uniform and I turned it in today when I tendered my resignation.
I took an oath when I was sworn in and I broke that oath today.
Really?
Thats fantastic because Ive always felt that the security here sucked .
Thank you
Okay
Thank you
I need to go over some details with you.
First of all
Oh
Oh! What is on your face? Is that a disguise?
Clown paint.
I.D. badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year
Oh
Whoa.. wha... wait. If someone has a problem with me
That is not true. Redact it. Redact it!
Okay
That doesnt make any sense.
No.
I never smile if I can help it. Showing ones teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me
This is humongous. I am not a security threat...
And my middle name is Kurt
I have another complaint for Jims permanent file.
What box?!
Ah... agh... dgh... Ahh! No
No! You calm down! Whos side is Toby on? Whos side are you on?
Him or me?
Him or me? I cannot work with Jim anymore.
Either he goes
You choose!
One of us is out of here by the end of today!
I am not bluffing!
Okay?
Do the right thing here
I deserve this. You know I do!
You have till five.
Oh
Its a good market. Higher volume.
I have a girlfriend...
So
I want an answer by tomorrow.
Fine.
Come on
I would never
I know. It belonged to my grandfather. He was buried in it
Impossible. Roulette is not a game of skill
Oh
How would you do that?
You cant be serious. Are you serious?
I dont believe you. Continue.
Thats ridiculous. You know what? Uh... Why dont you move that coat rack? Excuse me
Oh
Yes!
Wait
Actually
When Darryl was coming
Code name Re/Max is here. No sign of Lan Jevinson.
Im Michaels wingman. Ive got his back. Two dates. Hes got two dates tonight. My job is to keep Jan away from Carol and vice versa. Michael said
I expect to do very well tonight. I have an acute ability to read people. Jim
Hey
Jans here.
Give me the dice.
Lets go.
Evening
Thank you
Yeah! Yeah!  Kisses Angela
Give me the dice!
Come on
Come on.   So where you staying? Radisson?
Super 8?
Motel 6? Best Western?
Holiday Inn? The Hyatt in Wilkes-Barre? You staying with Michael?
Nice
Oh
Youre saying Michael stole money from his own company?
No! No
Which is exactly what youd say if you did do it. Oh
No.
There has to be a better explanation.
He charged it. Discover. Made a little cash back on the deal. Smart. If he were a general in the Army
Okay
Jim is gone. Hes gone. I miss him so much. Ooooh I cry myself to sleep
Of course.
Absolutely not.
Well
You could assume everyone is
I really dont think so.

Jim told me you could buy gay-dar online.
Yeah probably. He didnt tell the truth a lot.
Definitely.
Damn.   Ill try Brookstone.
Uh
Ah damn pop-ups.
I think all the other office gays should identify themselves
What about Phyllis? She makes absolutely no attempt to be feminine!
Michael appears to be gay too. And yet he is my friend. I guess I do have a gay friend.
Hope this helps. -Jim Nice!
Shhh. Dont be scared.  gay-dar beeps over Oscars belt buckle
Dont be mad
Monkey
Yes
And your veil.
Um.
I got it.
I got it.
Um.
Can I have my neck pillow back? Michael! Can I have my neck pillow back?
Oh
Shut up. Thats impossible.
Well
So what kind of commissions you get up there?
Youre so immature!
Hey
This party is going to be awesome.
Check it out.
Wow.
Ill do a shot
Dwight Schrute
Im a huge fan.
Why do they call him The Bus?
Smile!
You dont have email on your phone.
No one just called you.
Yes. Anything.
Ill talk to my buddy down at the station
So I called my buddy down at the station today. Had them run a background check on Josh Porter. See if theres any known aliases
He wasnt volunteering today.
Whoa. Michael.
Was that your per diem?
Hey
Keep the wing flaps.
Come on. Nice try
Yes! Ha!
Ha
Blood
Take a seat down there. Second from the end.
Why him?
Not everyone approves of Movie Monday. I wont say who.
Thats not going to happen.
Thats not his fault! He had to follow his heart!
Ever since Michael dumped Jan for Carol
Michael would never let me...
I could never do that!
outside in the parking lot
Is this Jan?
This is Dwight Schrute. I am calling about an extremely sensitive matter.
Its about Michael.
I cant talk here. Its too sensitive.
No
Pull over at exit 40. There is a Liz Claiborne outlet. I know you like that store. Go inside and shop
Many of your blouses are Claibornes.
Part of my job.
...noted.
Im going... to the dentist.
I have to have an emergency crown put in.
Yes. Its a new dentist. Hes far. I might be gone... three hours.
Did you get anything good?
New blouse? Halter top? Camisole? Teddy?
I can save the branch.
If you let me run it.
Ok I can run it?
Mostly get rid of waste. Which is half the people there. And clean house.   Right here. Its all for me. Thank you.
The decision to turn on Michael was difficult.   But once I did it
Oh
Hey.
No thanks Im stuffed.
...ok.
...so good.
They have this new kind of quick drying bonding
Oh
Crentist.
Yep.
Maybe thats why he became a dentist.
Ahh. Aaaah.
I know...
What?
What is it?
No.
Gahh!
I cant believe this news. That--- wow.
You said that?
Well... Gosh
All right.
Assistant to the regional manager. Thank you Michael
Hey... I cant imagine this place without you.
Yeah
Thank you Angela.
Thank you Michael. I just want to say
Yes.
I
Oh please
No thank you.
No thanks.
Not my style.
Well that was before. Im thinking about getting something German
No.
What did you---
Yes.
You know what?
No!
I think the Sebrings cool. Its cool. The Seabrings cool. It has a cassette and it has a CD.
Dont fire me. Please.
I HAVE EXCELLENT SALES NUMBERS!
Ill do anything! Anything! Ill do your laundry for a month! For a year!
Im sorry! Ill do anything
You cant. You cant. But I promise Ill never betray you again. What can I do
Whoo!
Awesome!
Michael
Okay.   Whoo!
Really?
That is the way to go. Instant death. Very smart.
Youre thinking of a chicken.
Ed was decapitated.
You said you didnt know how to say it.
Hey.
If my head ever comes off
When I die
That is not a statue
And how big do you want this robot?
Mm
Look   I gave him a six foot extension cord so he cant chase us.
I got it. When my mother was pregnant with me
Michael!   Michael. Michael ...
Oh...
Poor little fella.
He is a goner.
Yeah.
Michael
You want me to flush him?
Argh... gah!
What? No
Im sorry
I need a box. I need a box. A small box... not too confining.
Yeah.
Oh
Yes
Excellent.
Always.
Hes not a songbird.

Lets get back to work.
Brain teaser. I have two coins totaling 15 cents and one of them is not a nickel. What are they?
No
Ok. A man and his son get into a car accident. They are rushed to the hospital. The doctor says
A man is found hanging from the ceiling...
A hunter.
Damn it!
So you excited?
Very excited?
Extremely excited? ... Just very? Thats cool.
I am very excited. Ryan hasnt made a sale yet
When you are ready to see the sales office
Do you know where we are
I hold in my hand
And just as you have planted your seed in the ground
Smells pretty bad
Its called bull crap and a client can smell it from a mile away.
Oh hey
Congratulations resourceful salesman. You have passed the second challenge. Welcome to Schrute Farm.
It is time for your next test. You have planted the beet seed. You have walked the long lonely walk of loneliness.
You know what your problem is? You know why you havent made any sales? Cause you think you know everything. You have to trust that maybe there are other people that can teach you things. Are you ready to learn? Are you ready for the final test?
Come on!
Please be seated.
Pay no attention to the spirits that haunt this hallowed ground.
Yes.
Mose is my cousin and he lives here. He will always be my best friend. Unless things go well with Ryan today in which case
What is the greatest danger facing Dunder Mifflin?
Wrong. Flash floods. What is the true cause of Robert Mifflins suicide?
Wrong. He hated himself. What is the DHARMA initiative?
Final question
Wrong. Hes not afraid of anything. Also
Wrestle him to the ground.
Ryan. Dont. Ryan! You dont have to wrestle him. Just get in the coffin. Ryan?
Where are all the animals?
Ryan
You still mad? Its just Jim and I didnt get along
Screwgun. The sales call!
Establish time frames. Keep the phrase real dollars in their head. And always keep the power in the conversation. Thats why youre losing them on the cold calls. Cause you say the word please too much.
Michael always said
Good.
Right.
Uh huh.
Exactly. Yes.
They did not. They didnt have to say it to your face.
Not everythings a lesson
Temp! Temp! Temp! Temp! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Yes! Just think
Maybe youve got mono.
Yeah
Pam wishes.   Kelly
I see dead people.
He was dead the whole time.
Temp! Temp! Pflut! Pflut!
No!  Youll thank me later.
Hey stranger.
Sorry. I just feel like we havent talked in awhile.
Yes!
Whats the plan?
Can I drive?
Shotgun!
Still.
Thank you very much.   Okay
But
Christmas card list.
But when I do
So
No. Bad idea. You need an attack plan. Here
Dum
Yes? What is the meaning of this?
Well
Listen
Whoa hey
Okay.
Dum
Uh!
Ah.   Here
who is it?
Gonna get it?
Nothing.
Then it was an honor to have worked with you.
My first day when you hazed me by spraying me with a fire extinguisher.
Uh
What were your favorite moments?
What about when Jan said the branch was closing?
Well

Oh my God!
: Stranford is closed! Michael
We did it!
In your face!
Oh
I dont ... have no idea.
Psh
What was your mile time?
I could beat that on a skateboard.
Yeah
Lets just put it this way. Last weekend I outran a black pepper snake.
I am fast. To give you a reference point. Im somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther.
Man
And youll compare the times?
No
...is really tight.
I cant...
Aaaaah!
Nametag?
Karen Filippelli.
Probably Italian. Possibly Filipino.
Thats Andy Bernard.
If I were you...
...I would fire Anthony Gardner...
...before noon...
...to consolidate power.
No
The Japanese camp guards of World War II always chose one man to kill whenever a batch of new prisoners arrived. I always wondered how they chose the man who was to die. I think I would have been good at choosing the person.
Hannah Smoterich-Barr.
Well
Fact - I am older. I am wiser. Do not mess with me.
What are you doing?
I have a smudge on my forehead?
Why are you looking at my forehead?
Meet my eye line
Stop acting like an idiot!
Hello. I dont believe weve been introduced. Dwight Schrute. Assistant Regional Manager.
So youll be reporting to me
My title has Manager in it.
Oh.
I know everything about film. Ive seen over 240 of them.
We need to talk!
Which is higher? Assistant Regional Manager or Regional Director in Charge of Sales?
Okay. So who gets paid more? Me or Andy?
Ok. Who reports to who?
And then if I want...
I...
I...
One...
Yo Mike
What?
What?
But check that its covered by your health care provider!
But the little cars go in the compact spot
Do you mean to me? From you? Cause thats how it works.
Do you have batteries?
Very funny
Really funny
Do this. Come on. Ready?
On three. One... two... three.
Hey
That was my advice. Remember? Im the one who suggested that you fire him.
And what advice has Andy given to you today that you have acted on? Would none be an accurate estimate? None advice?   Fire Andy. Fire. Andy.
What!
YEAH!
If he even wants it. It doesnt come with a pay raise.
So who will be your new Number Three?
And I have to say your leadership...
has brought...
Uh
Xterras not even a real word.
Oh
That makes sense. Id rather drive a classic TransAm than an XEarth.
Well I hope 1985 has a time machine cause I drive an 87.
Speaking of funerals
Idiot!
If you were driving a TransAm
Youre the idiot!
I was making fun of your comeback! Thats why it worked.   Totally got the best of that interchange.
I am cool.
Im cool
I am greatly concerned about having a convict in the office. And I do not care if that convict is white
Prison Mike. Whats the very very worst thing about prison?
Merry Christmas!
Dont worry
I accidentally ran over it. Its a Christmas miracle!
Relax
Jim.
What does it look like?
And circle gets the square.
So can you watch this? Im gonna get my carving knife out of the trunk.
No
Once I brought in a duck. To prepare for lunch. And people got upset. Apparently
He was already dead. And we Schrutes use every part of the goose. The meat has a delicious
Exactly. Thank you
Ok
Its Christmas Toby.
Toby...
Please? Please?
Oh Pam. Take a chill pill.
Oh
Are we gonna cancel Hanukah as well?
Michael. Sorry to interrupt. Uh
Copy.
We are getting rid of everything that reminds you of Carol.
Oh
Why dont you just buy the whole song?
Oh
Pam and Karen. I am ordering you to cease and desist all party planning. Immediately.
As ranking number three in this office
Youre number four.
Ah
Ok
OK
No no
Damn it!
Get out Jim.   Actually
I cant... I cant here what youre saying.
Whatre you talking about?
Carol had a mustache?
What are you guys talking about?
Michael! Repeat what you said louder!
It is my job to be there for Michael. How can I be there for Michael if Im here for Michael?
Who are you calling?
Looks like youve got a little Nakiri knife action going there.
Yeah
Nah
Michael! Hey! Over here
Start the party.
Jim! Jim! What... Whats happening?
Oh... Narcolepsy.
Oh my gosh
Oh
Hey! Its Angela!  Angela slams door shut
No. It was awful. I couldnt hear anything.
No... way! Yeah!
Oh.
Walkie-talkies.
Yes!
Monkey
Lady
pum pum pum pum pum pum pum
Bye Pam.
What the?   You have been compromised. Abort mission. Destroy phone. Destroy phone?
Tape recorder.
For recording. Michael is on vacation and hes asked me to record all meetings and to type up the transcripts.
What?
Im not.
I do not have a knife!
Let the record show that Jim Halpert is a liar!
Give me it. I am not.
Jim Carrey did not just walk in
You cant see... You cant see my stomach.
Whos the target?
Whats it of?
Unless youre willing to tell me everything
OK
Michael hit a deer?
Michael! Michael!   Theres an emergency in the warehouse.
No
I have disconnected the office T1 line. I have ordered that that   be taken down and destroyed all print outs from the bathroom.
There were. A lot of them.
Who did this to you?   Where is he?
Its hot in here.
Yeah.
I know.   So youre PMSing pretty bad
Everything is fine. You are in the clear.
Ok
Yup?
Yeah! You want shirts on hangers?
Come on!!
Uh
Leave the keys.
Leave the keys!
No thank you
Uh
Can I use your phone?
Thanks.
One...
Three...
Seven...
Sure.
Erm
Here is my card. Its got my Cell number
I like Karen. Shes pretty and appears intelligent.
My girlfriend is also beautiful and smart. She could be a model or a college professor which is intimidating to a lot of guys.
No thank you.
Hey
I overslept. Damn rooster didnt crow.
I am not a liar.
Stay out of this
Michael
Thats what she said.
Its going to be ok.
Thats not the worst thing in the world. Ill just stand up in front of the office and reveal our true love. It wont be that bad. Look at Kelly and Ryan.
Well
Ahem-hem-hem. May I have your attention please? This will only take a moment of your time. Although I love this company more than almost anything in the world
I would like to give the rest of my belongings to Michael Scott. Just take them. Except this.
One of my life goals was to die right here in my desk chair. And today
I have left Dunder-Mifflin after many record-breaking years and am officially on the job market. And its very exciting.
For your convenience
I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me.
How would I describe myself? Three words. Hard-working
There is nothing on my horizon except everything. Everything is on my horizon.
I got this job to make some money while I continue my employment search. And uh
Childs play. Give me something hard to sell.
Need any help?
Great. I will literally be standing right here if you need anything at all.
I have snow tires and chains. Plus exceptional hand-eye coordination.
Dunder-Mifflin.
Paper company. Theyre only one of Staples top competitors in the area.
Whoa. Really? Have you heard of paper?
Well
Hey.
Same old.
Oh my God
Accepted.
The boss isnt funny.
I dont get to wear my ties.
So?
I dont want to do your laundry anymore.
Thank you.
You did this for me?
Oh
How do you know its going to be a boy?

Ow.
What if hes a murderer?
Maybe thats how you die.
I want to do this.
Action.
Alright! Uh!
What?
Im on it.
Ruddy cheeks
Leave me alone and get the male stripper.
I knew you would
No preference
Nice. Do you have any blonde women?
Yes. Jennifer Garner portrayed one on Alias. It was one of her many aliases.
Okay
Oh
Is she hot? Text back
I do! I want some man meat!
Elizabeth
We hired you for three hours work and were going to get it.
Care for a piece of chocolate?
Who is the king of Austria?
Who is the king of Prussia?
Who is the king of England?
I dont care what Jim says
Are you near sighted or far sighted?
GAH!!!
What do you think?
Okay.
Sure
Inbwit? Yes.
Dwight holds out his hand
I...
I dont know. My mouth tastes so bad all of a sudden.  nasty
Hello
You look as beautiful as the Queen of England.
The Shrutes have their own traditions. We usually marry standing in our own graves. Makes the funerals very romantic
Why are all these people here? There are too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague. Who are all these people?
No way.
Of course I saw it.
I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally. I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man and went into the wrong theatre. After an hour
Once again
Its a miracle.
Best of luck
Dammit
Scuse me
The bride and groom? What are their names?
Oh I get it
Got to find yourself another wedding to crash
I cant let you in
No
You are a real life wedding crasher and I must bounce you. Im sorry
Dont be an idiot. Changed my life.
Whenever Im about to do something
...Oh my God. Animal stool.
Solving a mystery
BAAAAT! BAT! NO! EVERYONE REMAIN CALM! There it goes!
We have... a bat... in the office.
At Six?! No
What? Whats so wierd?
This is your job
No... no. One crisis at a time.
If a vampire bat was in the U.S.
I dont have a lot of experience with vampires
Extraordinary events call for extraordinary actions. We form an allegiance--
--to use sudden violence.
Do you have the tools to turn a wooden mop handle into a stake?
Flush him towards the door. On my go... NOW!
Animal control? Ive been controlling animals since I was six.
Goodbye Jim. And good luck.
Jim is on a path now. An eternal journey
Magic time. Gyeeeaahhh!
Hold still
...  ... Youre welcome.
Yes. But this   seems to be...
I know how. Dislocate his shoulder and slip his arm out from underneath.

Its early bird gets the worm.
Let me smell.   Good
Thanks for inviting me along.
Hello
Talk to you later
Salad.
You dressed exactly like the servants.
Wait. I dont think yours will fit me.
That would have been really embarrassing.
Crisis averted.
Its from both of us.
Oh
Do you ever watch Battlestar Galactica?
No? Then you are an idiot.
Whats the square footage?
Does that include the garage?
Im just...
Its a common question.
These old colonials are great
Cool
Huh.   Yeah
Just the one window?
Are those real pearls?
Good.
Oh good
I want one. Its got good solid construction. Comfortable. What is this? Oak?
What do you know?
The chimney is in decent shape. Not great. I found some termite damage in a crawl space and some structural flaws in the foundation so all in all
Dont break up you guys
Pam
Everyday
Thank you not necessary and thus
Dont want it.
Dont want it. Wont open it. Dont need it. Wont take it. Citizens do not accept prizes for being citizens.
No
I saw the perpetrator advance toward the victim at a high rate of speed. His head was thrown back
Irrelevant. Discharged it at a distance of a little over a meter into the perpetrators eyes
When Han Solo returns to the Death Star in the Millennium Falcon
No. And why are you so interested in buying me something Jim
Whats this?
Certificate of Bravery
Please. They hand these out to little kids. Look. Theres a teddy bear in a policemans cap.
Really?
Mm
Sounds... fun.  they kiss
No need to thank me.
I am not a hero. I am a mere defender of the office. You know whos a real hero? Hiro
Yes
Jim
Ok
Ok
Damn you.
Yeah!
Idiots! God
Wolves.
Visual aids.
A quilt. Depression quilt?
Okay
We measured it once...
Seedless?
Ready?
drops watermelon
Okay.
Got it.
Were not allowed to use the baler.
Im on it!
Im temporarily lifting the shun.
It means nothing. I need you to do something for me.
Okay
What do you think? Youve got an hour.
Shunning resumed.
Un-shun. Yeah that sounds good. Re-shun.
Oh yeah
When you land
Do you wanna do another test? I got plenty of watermelons in my trunk!
Thats right! Doing! Totally doing! Its rock n roll!
Yeah!
Near near near near near!
Michael is awesome! Jumpin off the roof!
Bouncin on the bouncy bounce! Show em whos boss!
Rip a hole in the suuuuuuun!
Guys! Listen up! Michael is up on the roof
Un-shun. I think hes suffering from depression. Re-shun.
Un-shun. Never. Re-shun. I think he wants you all to come out to the parking lot and watch him die!
Its gorgeous. Lets go!
No really
Everybodys gonna be fine in exactly what theyre wearing
Come on
Michael
Depression? Isnt that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?
Is that the last year the data was available?
Dont do anything rash!
I didnt...   I didnt think you needed them for this part.
you said to just...
Okay
Attention blue collar workers!
Michaels up on the roof and hes acting strange!
Michael! Whats wrong?
Depressed? Isnt that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?
No
Okay
Oh... Its uh
Thats a ridiculous question.
Well thats debatable. There are basically two schools of thought---
Bears do not--- What is going on--- What are you doing?!
You know what? Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery
Oh
Cri-Man-Squa?
Yes! You are entering the No Spin Zone!
Not!
On it. OK
First rule in road-side beet sales: Put the most attractive beets on top. The ones that make you pull the car over and go
Hey!   Look sharp!   Hey! Uh
And you must be uh
And Breaking Corporate News.
Oh
Dont get too excited
Great.
Emergency dentist appointment.
You look good in this.
May I point out that the s*x appeared to be consensual? Both animals were smiling.
I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having s*x in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doin a goat
Its non-transferable...
Uh
Im just saying...
They would flank you. Throw in a concussion grenade.
You would be on the ground
Cut.
Pam.
Pssssh. I look like an idiot. Hey Karen.
Yeah
Im Jim Halpert.
Ah-luh-luh
That is a demerit.
Youve gotta learn
Lets put it this way. You do not want to receive three of those.
Three demerits and youll receive a citation.
Oh
That is correct.
Whats a dis... whats that?
Move!
Employees of this office are very small and delicate. Deserve protection from local pervs. Better 1
Agreed. Let me show you what Ive been working on.
There are several penises there Id love Phyllis to run her eyes over. You know
Look at that one.
Due to a recent incident involving Phyllis
Answer: No
Phyllis
Attention. I am removing all bananas from the kitchen.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Yes. Did you hear that
Mm
You know what? Why doesnt Oscar run the meeting? Hes a homosexual.
Those are collectible action figures and theyre worth more than your car.
Alien. Blagh!
I wish I could menstruate.
If I could menstruate
Have you finished with the sketch?
Hmm
Hmm.
Pams sketch looks like Dwight with a mustache
Of course you do
No
More like
This is what we know.
Yeah
No. Wholesies.
Natch.
You know
Dunder-Mifflin paper/s*x predator hotline
Jim
Ugh. Im hanging up.
You have information about the s*x predator?
Where?
Anti-flashing task force! Above the sink. Above the sink. Hmm.  sees himself in the mirror with two black marks on the mirror making a mustache
OK
No
Abdomen. Menses.
The uterus contracts after your egg passes through it.
Oh
Yes! Funtivities! I knew it wasnt just a trip to the beach.
I hope there will be management parables.
Yes!
I choose Michael!
OK
We will be called Gryffindor.
Slytherin are the bad guys
He-who-must-not-be-named? I wouldnt do that.
OK
Come on! Come on! Andale! Arriba! Arriba!
What are you saying?
OK
I am trying to bring team spirit.
Lets go! Lets go! Come on! Mush! Mush! Come on you b*st*rd!   What the? Damn it temp!
Its very good for you.
Youre leaving?
Damn it!
Sabotage.
No. I was saying that before. Not now. Now I am saying sabotage. The ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team.
If Michael organizes some kind of group hug
Gaaaaa....
Yaaaaa! Yaaaaa!
Gryffindor! Gryffindor!
Thats not why you lost.
Yeah
Aaaagh! Uggggh! How do you like that?
No! Its okay. I will do this Michael.
I will walk and stand on these coals until you award me the position of regional manager!
standing still
falling on his knees
Aggggh
The Aristocrats. A man and his wife and his children go into the offices of a talent agency. And the talent agent says
I mean truly repulsive acts.
You wanted to see me?
But thats my name.   Dwight
Thank you
sobbing
Thank you.
How would you like to spend the night with the Regional Manager of Dunder-Mifflin
No
Jim
I am gonna be your new boss.   Its my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check in time is now. Check out time is never.
No. And the sheets are made of fire.
Sorry
Ill have to talk to the manager.
Im the owner. The co-owner. With Satan!
Yeah
Eighty thousand dollars a year.
Once Im officially Regional Manager my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.
Yes you will.
Okay
No! Hey
What did I say!?
I am going to begin this process with a simple test of intelligence and mental dexterity. What is the best color?
Wrong. Black. It is the most dominant. How do you make a table?
What is the capital of Maine?
Okay
Youre not off to a very good start
Andy and Dwight arm-wrestle
This interview is over. Ill let you know.
Whos ready to work?
Michael is gone.
My first order of business: make Andrew Bernard my number two.
As if you had a choice.   Duh.   Opportunity of a lifetime.
You showed great leadership potential at the coal walk. Even if you did follow it with that embarrassing personal confession.
I had to make Andy my number two. Its political
Well
Correct
Mmmmmm
Do you accept?
Listen up! Come to the center of the room
Excellent question
Just... zip your lid! Another announcement. Michael wasted an enormous amount of the groups time and patience with non-work related ethnic celebrations and parades of soft-minded dogoodedness. No longer. No more meetings!
Instead
Yes! Michael is gone. Theres a new sheriff here in these offices
Listen up. Lets start... from the ground up. Where does paper come from?
Trees! And where do trees grow?
Soil. Right. We have
Very good! You have earned one Schrute Buck.
Then you have been deducted 50 Schrute Bucks!
We--- Dont you wanna earn Schrute Bucks?
Whats the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute Bucks?
Okay---
What---
No wait
No
Zip your lid!
Its like outerspace without the stars
Its so intimidating! Anyone who comes in here... is gonna have to take me seriously. Abandon all hope
To intimidate my subordinates.
It was Andys idea.
Pam
I wanted to thank you... for helping me
Where?
No need we can just check the security tapes.
Its only Meredith.
Hey... Why did you do it?
Was she talkin back?
Did you get sick of that face? Did she owe you money? Uh-oh. Is this downsizing? Did she spurn your advances?
Hey monkey
Sure.
Check to see if shes faking. If a car hit me
So what do you need me to do?
Mm-hmm.
Hey monkey.
Well you left the TV on
Sparkles
That was the sick one
No.
Really dead. Like a... just a dead cat.
So... Hey come on
Actually the place that shes in is the freezer
Shes only a cat.
Cats do not provide milk or wool or meat.
No
I do not respect her
As a farmer
Blink once if you want me to pull the plug.
Are you a doctor
Pfft... Her chart doesnt indicate that she had a hysterectomy but she did
Just doing my job.
So
Mm-hmm.
No
Actually the doctor said it was lucky she came in to the hospital
Oww!
Youre taking this out on me
Youll feel better after the 5k. Exercise is good for depression.
Well I dont know
Wait
Maybe we should just skip the ceremony and setup a college fund for Merediths son.
Mm-hmm.
On your marks
Youve got nothing to worry about
How ya feeling
Well you look cute as a button. Youve worked up quite a sweat.
I am a farmer Angela.
OK
I... I sang her
It was beautiful and gentle and respectful. I fed her antihistamines and she gradually fell asleep.
Well Im not responsible for that!
Hey
Its nothing
Its fine. What?
I thought I was helping you. I expected a hug. I took care of that cat
I know a great taxidermist. Ill pay to have her stuffed. Well hes not great
Or we can have her buried out at the east field
What?
I dont see it. I think they both could do better.
To give you this  .
Its a feral barn cat. I trapped him last night and Im giving him to you as a replacement cat for the one I destroyed.
And his name is... Garbage. Mose calls him Garbage because he likes to eat garbage.   Dont you Garbage?
You havent buried her yet?
Garbage can be very helpful. OK
What if we dont want to use a Blackberry because they are stupid and pointless?
Got it.
Hello.
Really?
Ill make a reservation. No
Oh
Im gonna live for a very long time. My grandma Schrute lived to be 101. My grandpa Manheim is 103
Are you enjoying your vegetarian noodles?
Dry. Delicious.
Oh
Are you enjoying your mineral water?
Then dont look in my eyes. Look right here
No
Dry rot?
Excuse me
Youre welcome.
Yes...   I miss you.
Fine.   Then I just want to be friends.
Plus a little extra. Also
Michael
Please
Yeah.
Thank you.
Sweet ride
Ah
Larry Myers. Left us six months ago for Office Depot.
Why do you use that thing? Lets them know where you are at all times.
The government
Yes
And we are dedicated to providing you with the very best customer service
Please
Remember what we had Larry?
I dont know. Sometimes people are just impossible and they make you miserable.
Like Angela in accounting.
Ugh... no
You dont know?
Hes not coming back
Accept it
Thats not gonna change his mind. Hes moving on. We had our chance and we killed it.
Well were O for six. Last chance is the Elmhurst country club. Other side of the lake
Thats how it goes sometimes
Wait wait wait! No no no! It means bear right
No no no
It cant mean that! Theres a lake there!
This is the lake!
No
Remain calm! I have trained for this!   Okay
I got you
Fine.
Did you get the rental insurance? Because that is pretty important too at a time like this.
Ill call a cab.
Look at that
Yes
Yes!
Take a stand!
Its real simple. If you dont appreciate what we do
Can you call us a cab please
Nice leather
Excuse me I have an announcement to make. We seem to be missing a box of chocolate turtles with peacons
Well bill you.
Thats ridiculous. Im not going to be beaten by a website.
Really? Cause Ryan says so?
I can make more sales than a computer. In fact
You believe a computer can beat me?
Well I will prove you wrong.
Well see.
Hmm. Very nice. Very nice.
Just ignore him.
I just feel like we need something more to acknowledge when I make a sale.
Go to my car. Open the trunk. Inside you will see many pelts. Under the smallest one is a case. Inside that case is a bear horn. Bring it to me.
Got it. Carb up.
Hey
Uhyeaahhh! Hello
Today Im prepared to give you 15% off our normal prices.
Three reams! Yoohoo... in your face
What if I told you I could offer free shipping? Sure. Ill hold.
It appears that the website has become alive. This happens to computers and robots sometimes. Am I scared of a stupid computer? Please. The computer should be scared of me! I have been salesman of the month for 13 out of the last 12 months. You heard me right. I did so well last February that Corporate gave me 2 plaques in lieu of a pay raise.
Ohhhhhh!
No
Fine. Good.
Yeah.
I do not look worried.
What are you doing? I am in the fight of my life against this computer and every sale counts.
Damnit Kelly! It knows! It knows what you did!
Return it! Return it now!
Y... You dont understand. If... okay
I am not a bad person. When I left Staples
Yes
Perfect. So let me just get some basic information from you. Mmmhmm.
Im sorry. Am
Yesss! Ten reams for the US District Court! Did I happen to mention the forty reams for the battered womens shelter?
Huh?!
Did you see the board?
Yes!
Woo!
Reams. Wait. Say it. Say it again. Announce it again.
No no no the first part.
Hey. So. What do you think? I did it for you.
You didnt have to.
I think shes efficient.
I hadnt noticed.

I think its inappropriate to date someone you work with.
No. I think you should date Kelly.
Uh
Ive seen this kid before. Hes one the kids who sneaks on my farm and steals my hemp.
Were a paper company. The best paper company in the whole wide world.
What did you just call him?
What did you say?
I can make him talk
Listen up kid.   I dont like you
Hey!
Its just ice

If youre going number one youve got ten more seconds!
Ahh-chaa!
Im just scaring him. The trick is to make him think youre going to do something to him.
Shut up
You had to
Well
What will you do?
Yeah.
So
Here we go
Now what?
Alright. Oh
Blah.
Uhh.
What?
Coopers has calamari.
Tokyo?
Yes.
Okay.
Nice.
Woo-hoo.
Yum.
Later on.
And I spent so much time in Scranton and I never sold any paper.
I started a fire with my cheese pita.
I date Indian girls.
Now Ive got a beard
I dont get that
Yeah
Dunder Mifflin
None of your business
It is not a B and B.
Agrotourism is a lot more than a bed and breakfest. It consists of tourists coming to a farm
Im not telling you anything.   Permits are pending.   Dwight Schrute
Okay
Where did you read that?
Trip Advisor is the life blood of the Agrotourism industry. A couple of bad reviews there
How many in your party?
We offer tours of the fields
One cardigan
You took that with you.
You are incorrect. I was recently scrubbing my room of memories
My girlfriend and I broke up recently. And I must say
We have three rooms
American
Ill put you down for Irrigation. Well then
No.
No. Jim
Mose
Here we are
Mose
reading to Jim
Jim knocks on Dwights door
Oh
Is everything satisfactory with your stay?
Great.
Oh. Well Ill look into that in the morning. Thank you for bringing that to the attention of the staff.
Pam.
I am better than you have ever been or ever will be.
Stupid.
No.
Maybe you should. Whatever.
Im glad you enjoyed your stay.
Uhh-mmm
No you didnt.
Mmm-uh-mm
sobbing
takes a ruler and shoves it between his desk and Jims
Second Life is not a game. It is a multi-user virtual environment. It doesnt have points or scores
I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. In my Second Life I was also a paper salesman and I was also named Dwight. Absolutely everything was the same. Except I could fly.
We cannot talk about this... because
Angela can stay the same
Dwike?
Yes.
Andy
She called you D?
Oh D.
Oh D.
He looks like your twin.
I will know.
I wont need to because well be together playing hooky. Yeah.
Found him!
Egg dripping
Well
Yow!
Hes lying.
Gah-ah-hah-ha!
No communication with the outside world Jim.
Oh no
Or real bombs.
Yeah
Come on
Im peeing in this empty can.
Well you said that we couldnt make anymore stops
Hey
I think I cut my pen1s on the lid!
Believe it.
And if we have to defend ourselves
Then Ill grind up the jumbo chalk and blow it in his eyes.
Okay
Lets move! Move
We are climbing some stairs.
Im breathing heavily.
Well...
Theres a security guard coming by. Hello
I can see the security guards eyes.
I have to do something to his eyes.
The eyes are the groin of the head.
My hip bone!
Dont leave us!
Dont leave us
Im losing control of my bladder.
Did you say Karen?
Do not tell Karen about the industrial copier.
Listen lady
Then we will burn Utica to the ground.
Im on it.
Lets see if any of these will work.
I keep various weaponries strategically placed around the office. I saved Jims life with a can of pepper spray I had velcroed under my desk. People say
Do I believe that Michael possesses the skills to survive in a hostile environment? Lets put it this way : no
No
I would make sure that you were dead.
First
And they would call me the Overkill Killer.
What are you doing?
It would be better if you were unconscious.
Do you want to do this right or not?
Were here.
Here we go. Just the two of us
Here we go
Keep going
Good a spot as any.
Im just --
Spin. Im trying to confuse your sense of direction.   Behold.
Heres your knife. Heres your duct tape.
Good luck
I lied to Michael. I said that I would leave him alone
Michael is a man of great depth and passion. I dont know what hes searching for out here.   I hope he finds it.   Lunch.
About two more minutes  .
Nothing to worry about. Just using the scope. Safety is...   on.
Stop! No
All right! What is going on here?
I told you.
All of my heroes are table tennis players. Zoran Primorac
Well
Wait a minute
Thank you Michael.
Michael
Does it bother me that I wasnt invited to Michaels dinner party?
Hello.
We came here to eat dinner and to party
So can we come in?
Hmmm... Mmm... great turkey leg.
Angela
Hey hey hey hey.   I know you love beet salad. Ive seen you eat it many times.
Purely carnal and thats all you need to know.
Fine. Get outta here.
Get out of my way
Michael can come home with me.
You people.   Come on. Youre sleeping with me.
Im gonna take you home Michael.
Alright.
Write legibly people.
OK
I wrote that. Michael
That is fantastic. Thank you
The furniture company gave me the name of the advertising agency. They gave me the name of the photographer. The photographer
She was so young and now she is dead. As dead as every dead animal who has ever died.
Why dont you sit down? Michael... come on.   Here we go. Yeah.
Jim
You know what you need? Closure.
There was a woman in your life who affected you very deeply
Come on. Ill drive.
I guess you could say she died of blunt force trauma and blood loss. She got in a car accident and plowed into the side of an airplane hanger.
Yeah.
She was stoned apparently.
You wait until next years chair catalog comes out and you find someone whos still alive.
Yeah.
Rhythm and blues...
Youve got a ton of dandruff.
Taste good too.
Wow! Lot of calories.
Hey Michael
Question.
Why am I being forced to come in tomorrow and pretend that a website made sales that I made?
I dont understand why our website has to have social networking at all.
Yeah!
No
With s*x!
Fire hazard.
Women look like white slaves.
Hey
No
Do you live in a regular sized house?
Good.
Well its weevil season but we were prepared.
They lay their eggs inside the unripe beet root
Youve already been several times.
Maybe you have some kinda bladder infection.
Ill order you some cranberry juice.
Do you have powers?
to tall woman in front of him
How did you all find each other?
Amazons.
Ok
OK. You know what
Wait
Oh.
Its not safe. Anything could have been in there.   Nice try.
I do
No
Uh huh.   Im not gonna call her.
Wow.
All right.
Nice.
I got sofa. I got sofa.
I got floor.
Do you want me to sing you a song my mother used to sing me
Its a lullaby.
I think his species might have a higher tolerance than ours.
OK. Good night Ryan.
Come on!
Can you breathe?
Hold your breath.
Ready?
And... go.   Force it in as deep as you can.
Andy and Angela seem very happy... I hope nothing horrible ever happens to them.
Unh! Scratch.
Uh
This cars crap. I will buy it for next to nothing.
Well
Yes.
You know what? You knock $1500 of the price right now
Seal the deal. Lets do it. Lets do this thing. Three
Five
Now. Now. Now.
Say it. Do it. Now.
Do it now.
Do it. Shake my hand. You will sell me this car. Shake my hand.
Jim is in charge of Stanley only in sales-related matters
There is this yellow zigzag that does give Ryan the authority to discipline Stanley...
However
Menstrual cycles.
You.
Well
All you have to do it say it.
Just say it.
Say it. Just do it. Dont think
So... All right
Rocka doopa deepa do POW! Shacka do DO! Oh! Whats Dwight up to? Oh probably nothing. Racka do do dee do-do do-do! Sha-KA!
Its my car now.
Yeah
Ive got a Madlib for you : a stupid
Maybe hes going to church. Or court.
Excuse me
I will tell on you.
Thank you.  hangs up phone
Michael
So... what else is up?   Mich-
hums at copier
Ah-choo!
Thank you.
Youre welcome.
Hello
Hello? Hello?
Jim
Uh
This man is an imposter! Do not do business with him! This is not Dwight Schrute!
K
Woah
Pam! You are not talking to Dwight right now. You are talking to Jim.
No!   Pam
Disconnect that right now. You give me your earpiece.
Ugh! Okay
Argh! Ahh!!
So what do we know about her?
I hate her too.
Because she... stinks... with her... ways... and her... head.
Would that be such a bad thing?
What?
But our
Have you been introduced to Kevin?
Hes here on a special work program. Hes slow
Yeah.
Hazing is a fun way to show a new employee that she is not welcome or liked.
Accounting department
You did.
You made me wrap it. I thought it was over the line. I just-
Oh my gosh.
Yes.
You have it?
Okay
Mose!
N-nothing you need to know the details of.
N-no theres not.
It was playful hazing.
Its not rabid.
Get it out. Come on
Well... its my own fault.
What?
Question: Has anyone recently offended a Gypsy?
Mmm.
My cousin Moses best friend was a dog. One day
Yes
Printing press. Tractor. Mechanical thresher. Telephone. Airplane. The only inventions that matter.
They fall under the category of airplanes.
Correct.
Thats an excellent analogy.
Vaccines are for chumps!
My mom didnt believe in vaccines. I got my smallpox the old-fashioned way. And I survived. So... jokes on you hospitals.
What?
Its called being a man. You should try it sometime.
I was born a man
I stopped shaving because my girlfriend broke up with me. Am I in pain? Hell
Hey. The way I see it
No
What?
What...
I was aware that you were speaking.
What is the matter with... me?
Im... discombobulated.
I need help.
State your business!
That is impossible. Unless you mean gonorrhea.
Yes
Stay out of this
Yeah
Okay
Arr
We had already applauded.
Wait! I wanted to sit next to you.
Okay
Woohoo!
Scranton rules!
Pam is down for anything.
Yeah. We shoulda brought Andy. I cut a chunk out of my pen1s for nothing.
You wanted to see me?
Im on it.
Jim
Now
And this... is a Hassenfass. Case-hardened steel. One side
Look at that. Perfectly balanced. This is a fine precision instrument.
Dont you want a sheath for that?
Anything else? Flint...
Parka...
Tent
Mmmnnnnmmm...
Ill tell you about my ideal dinner party. John Wilkes Booth. Lee Harvey Oswald. Osama Bin Laden. John Wayne Gacy. Jeffrey Lionel Dahmer. Oh hey guys
Michaels dinner party is for couples only
Okay
Your bill
You occupied the America room for six weeks. Thats our most popular room.
Right. Because you were in the America room. In an election year.
We dont take debit cards
Ohhh
I am so sorry. Im so sorry
Thatll come out of the upholstery. Oh
Its dehydration. He went to the bathroom at the club like fifteen times.
Friends with a hobbit.
Hazel. Theyre hazel.
Stop! Dont look at me. On the counter you will find bread
Really make one.
Will you please? Make a sandwich. Now
The website is hiding
Yes
Troy! What are you doing here?
Where is Ryan?
Welcome to our land.
Can I get you a tankard of mead?
Looks serious.
Troy
Maybe I do. Enough of your magical riddles!
From this point forward
No
There. Take those home to your wife.
Michael
Hit the scales
Wait a minute. One more bite of eclair each. Hold it in your mouth if you cant swallow.
Wait a minute. Pam is on the scale.
Family only.

Fax this for me.
Its not gonna take her 10 minutes to fax it
Ahh. We done good in there
Monkey.
Lets do this thing.
OK
Come on
All right
Shotgun weddings.
Obesity-caused illnesses.
Michael
They should not be in that room.
Yeah!
Not that guy who murdered his mother. He was not so handsome. Also Kevin.
Partys over. You are so busted!
Happy Birthday
Attention! Attention! We only have a few weeks left.   And most of you are just as fat as the day we began.
I am hardly the problem
This is what Im gonna do. Im gonna randomly select three names and these three people will get liposuction. Uhhhhh Stanley
Hello Phyllis. Do you have a minute? Listen. Im really sorry... about what I said before. Ok? I was way out of line.
But you know what
Sixty - forty. Hm?   Ill drive.
Hey
And you burned over a thousand calories walking home. And this branch just got a little bit closer to winning the contest. Phyllis Vance
Yeah
No
Vamping.
Eh
She should thank me.
I apologize for creating a ruse which forced you to exercise.
We better.
Yes
I do not! I do not say Hi Pam!
What are you writing about me?
Im gonna write you both up for not working.
Ok

God. Where is Jim?
What are you smiling about there smiley pants? Youre late.
Dripping on me.
Shes not a virgin
trying to assist Michael
Yes.
What should we be working on while you guys are talking?
Its a trick question. The bread is poisoned. Also
Time thief. Time thief! Fire him!
Never!
What are you doing?
Oh
There is no way that that was---
Ok.  Dwight turns around
None of your business.
Dwight stares at Angela
Yes
Hey Michael?
Contractions are coming every ten minutes.
My cervix is ripening.
Michael! My waters breaking!
Aaaaaaaa! What do you do? What do you do?
Right. Highways or surface roads?
No
Its about adapting to the circumstances.
No. OK
The pressure! The pressure!
Aaaaaaaa!
Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up
Hold me!
Cradle my head!
Im screaming
Numb me up. I want anesthesia!
No! I dont want natural!
OK!
Aaaaaaaa!
Do you have the Sharpie?!
Do you have the Sharpie?!
OK! When the baby emerges
Ready?!
Aaaaaaaa!
Butter. Newborns are slippery.
Whos Sarah Kayacombsen?
Oh no...
Jan had the baby and Michael wasnt there to mark it. So the baby could be anybodys. Except Michaels.
Huh. Twelve hundred dollars for a stroller? Phhhbt.
Twelve hundred dollars is what I spent on my whole bomb shelter. For that kind of money
Dont hit the fence. Oh no
Dont get stuck on the barbed wire!
Playtime is over!
I like to call this... the bumper test.
Oh. I took the liberty of putting it in your trunk.
You set a date?
A knife.
You got a better way?
About what?
I know none of that. If I did
She introduced me to so many things. Pasteurized milk
I was talking to myself.
I just dont get it.
Why is she marrying Andy?
Thats really fattening.
Bravo
Ugh.
Get in.
I know she loves me
Are you sure thats going to work?
Wait
Listen to me close. Cause Im only gonna say this once. You either break off your engagement with that singing buffoon
I said I was only gonna say this once. You have until 6:14 PM. 6:14!
Hey Phyllis
I had to get your attention. This is an emergency.
Listen
Okay
Wait
Oh. I get it. Youre trying to secure your place as head of the party-planning committee. Youre just being selfish.   And you slap like a girl.
What did Phyllis do wrong? Ill tell you what Phyllis did wrong. She stuck her nose into my business and tried to help me.
300 and one penny.
350 and one penny.
400 and one penny.
500 and one penny.
700 and one penny.
Eh
Hm mm mm mm. Want to see a magic trick? Heh heh heh! Im gonna make a pencil disapp-- oh!  elevator doors close
Good morning temp.
Thought Id go casual today. Morning everyone. Good morning. Hello. How are you Phyllis?
Andy.
No I get it. I totally understand. And uh
Well if somebody who barely out-sells Phyllis
I meant that as a compliment to you Phyllis
Cornell is a good school
Hey there. So uh
Not so. Cornell is an excellent school. Without its agricultural program
Someday
Excuse me?
Andy
What do you say?
Andy
Thats a conflict of interest.
Interview.
What?
Okay.
Bring it.
Dale Raymond Corson!
Hmm
On the contrary
Well
Interviewer is threatening applicant with an arbitrary review process.
Interviewer has suspect motives.
Interviewer has turned off applicants interest in Cornell
And you will be hearing from the -
-Cornell Application Department
And you will not be pleased with the result.
And your affiliation with Cornell -
Will end completely!
That is all sir
Where did you get those?
I see what you are doing. But I do not know where you are going with this.
Cornell.
I heard someone got engaged
Oh
Bring it on.
Sorry.
What does it say?
Thats impossible.
I sell more paper than anyone.
Wait
No
Impossible to say. I cant see myself.
What are you mumbling about?
None of your business.
Those cant be my scores
Im being sabotaged.
And Im going to find that person and punish them.
Youre an idiot.
No way.
I didnt say anything
What do you think I am saying to you?!
Ive caught Jim talking to himself several times today. What a loser. Get a friend
All right
Hello
Excellent
What is your name
Really
Yes
What? No
Oh
Sorry
OK
OK
...never been lower!
Buttlicker! Our prices have never been lower!
He --
Please
Please give me another chance. Mr. Buttlicker.
I have to put you on with my boss.
shakes fist
You are the master.
Dont do it
Get in!
Get in!
Shh.  turns radio up loud
They might be listening to us
You never know. Better safe than sorry.
Who stands to benefit from our downfall?
Could be the mob. But then Dunder-Mifflin would need to be a front for money laundering
I dont know. Two
Who are you talking to?
Shes not here
Wait
Shh. Do you hear that?
Breathing. Is that you?
Well
Ha!
Hear anything interesting?
I think you know.
What are you up to
Of course I am. I know youre the mastermind
Ah!
OK.
The reason that I got bad customer reviews is because I didnt! There is a massive conspiracy going on here
No.
No. Why? No.
Oh
Obviously. I knew it.
Yeah. What?
I was -- I was right.
I was right.
I knew it.
I knew it the whole time
Yeah! Woo-hoo!
I knew it! Yeah! Ha-ha! Woo!   Boom! Kelly the whole time. Lets get her.
Let me paint you a picture of a little girl from southern India
Oh
We have our confession. Im calling security.
I want to be here when you fire her ass.
Is that the Matsuhashi B-400? The worlds tiniest Bluetooth?   May I?
Congratulations on choosing Schrute Farms for your wedding.
Well
While I describe to you the Excalibur package. In addition to the breathtaking natural beauty and smell of Schrute Farms
While you
OK.
You already said deal.
Wait
Do you have your money belt?
No
Here
Do you want to get robbed in a foreign country? I wash my hands of this.

Who is that monkey?
Know what?
Oh
Have you seen her painting
What? Are there two suns?
Last I checked
Its totally unrealistic. There are no lines in the parking lot.
Youre back.
Good. I need you to make five copies of these.
Alright. First thing in the morning then.
Brownies is it? Hm. Pastry cubes made of sugar and fat? No thank you
To socialize. And inform.
He looks great.
Well rested.
Also
Okay
I love catching people in the act. Thats why I always whip open doors.
Okay
I am the bait.
Men find me desirable.
Oh
Mmhmm.
Men find me desirable.
Those are fighting words.
I hope he doesnt haul off and just hit you.
Hmmm?
Come on.   Baaah!
Hit him! Hit him
Ryan. Come on
Punch him as hard as you possibly can in the face.
Are you really not going to punch him?
I thought you were going to parcel those out through the day
Theres still one thing we could do to get Toby fired.
Frame him
Yeah
Oh Ive framed animals before. I framed a raccoon for opening a Christmas present. And I framed a bear for eating out of the garbage.
Yes
Hey
Officers
Search his things.
They dont need your permission
Save your whining for the jury there
No! Michael
So wait a minute
Gahh
Wait
You have laws that protect you in any kind of interrogation. Why dont you use them?
What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffanys at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No
Yeah
Mmhmm.
How could it be more clear?
Okay.
Well dig a trench. As long as its downhill from the well
Well were not gonna put out stumps
This is where youll have your receiving line. Of course well clear out all the livestock and hay and such.
Youre gonna need to be more specific.
Manure covers up the small of the slaughterhouse.
You wanna eat
...Ill consider it.
Theres a hose out back.
Have you made a decision on the butter sculpture?
Okay. Cow
Cats dont make butter.
It doesnt make any sense.
Cow
Heres another place.
So... why dont we try this out
He doesnt understand a word youre saying.
Although born just minutes from here
And there we go. Okay
I know you did. And thats why I have taken care of everything.
Well Monkey
Yes
It does in the state of Pennsylvania.
Haha
Wha...
My... Its not my fault you dont understand German  Ive been telling you to take it for years!
What is this?
Youre so pathetic. How long did this take you? Three hours?
Yeah
Really? If I can skin a mule deer in less than ten minutes
These are not dolls
Every year I do research to determine which toy will be the most popular of the Christmas season. This year its a doll. Half girl
I am simply punishing those parents that would wait till the last minute to get their child a gift. And such a genetically improbable one. Look at that. How does that happen? King has s*x with a unicorn? Man with a horn has s*x with a royal horse?
They are now.
All right.
Oh
Merry Christmas.
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-ka-ching.
We got a live one! On fire!!
Aye.
No
Actually
I stab her in the brain with a wooden stick.
There are several ways to kill a zombie
Oh
She is a hazard to the other people of the office.
I suppose I could do it if it was a controlled burn in a well ventilated area.
Oh right
Really?
$200.
Oh
Not my problem.
Well dont look so surprised.
Aah!
Yes!
I was just jogging.
Wait
No. You cant do that. It shouldnt come from you.
Seems like you already know where.
Trade seats with me.
Ive got a better angle on Pam. I can see everything.
I need a soup spoon.
Rule 17 : dont turn your back on bears

Youve got to tell Andy about us.
Get it over with. Then we dont have to hide anymore.
Do you love me or not?
Because youre engaged to Andy.
Not yet.
Angela said she was going to tell him. Shes just not ready.
I dont know.
Yes.
Eager.
And flexible.
Michael
Might get ugly.
to Michael
If Im sitting
If Im sitting
Andy.
Oh good. She broke up with you.
Uh
No I dont.
Well I dont know about that
Will never be her name.
I dont think so.
And Im telling you that I will never back down.
Oh really? How are you gonna do that?
That is very general
Okay
Fine!
What is your weapon?
Hey
Yes!
Outside of work.
None of your business then.   Good. So what weapon?
That is stupid. I will use a sword and I will cut off your bare hands.
I will also be talking my break at the exact same time and in the same location.
Mm.
Howd that get there?
Come on! Where are you? Lets do this thing! Come on! Come on out!
Come on!
Where are you?
Come on
Alas
Whoa! What are you! Hey! Hey!
Come on! Ow! Ah! Aah!
Never!   Get out and face me like a man!
Youre not a man! You dont know how to take care of her!   All you do is dress fancy and sing.   La la la la la la la la la la! What does that mean? You cant even protect her!
Last year
No. My right ones falling asleep a little bit.
Yeah
I sa-
Sasquatches are the strongest animal on the planet! So fine
What?
Shes sleeping with you?
She said she was only sleeping with me.

as Jim is collecting weapons
Whats this?
Hmm. It wasnt here before.
Yours doesnt.
No
What if the owner of Prince Family Paper has a beautiful daughter and we have to seduce her in order to get their secrets?
No
Please Michael
Youll fall in love with her.
Okay
Your fictitious name?
I am a paper salesman looking for a new job. I find out everything about their expenses and salaries.
Then we meet at the Dennys...
...and then we compare notes.
No!
You know how I feel about IHOP.
Are you socialist?
Ill have a cup of a coffee.
Store only has three employees.
It means they are not expanding.
No.
No because their sign is centered perfectly above their store. No sign of the sign being moved.
Its lunch time
Which Means theyre not acquiring new business. So once again no growth.
Oh
Get your clouds right.
So you go in now
Yeah.
Hello
Why dont you just get rid of this guy?
Im your son now  you can visit him on holidays. Dwight Schrute
Pshaw
Me too.
My boss
Its going very well.
Excuse me sir
Thank you very much.
Thank you for your time I look forward to getting your calls.
Cmon.
All their top clients I cant believe it.
Someones looking out the window. Go go
You drove over that. Go back  car hits divider
Thats not good.
Oh my God.
Oh man
Not good.
Yeah.
Youve done more then you can possibly know.
He drove over the divider and then backed over it and caused the..
How much longer is this going to take?
This is disgusting
I look forward to hearing from you about that job application.
Goodbye prince family
punches Michael on the arm
Its simple
They could do better.
What?
Im not familiar with that expression
It doesnt make sense
Michael
Your heart is a wonderful thing
Yes.
Yeah.
Yeah
There was a terrible war
Yeah.
Good
Where are you taking the client list?
Michael
Freeze
No no no
Its business
Its over
Guess whose stock just went up
Last week I gave a fire safety talk.   And nobody paid any attention. Its my own fault for using PowerPoint. PowerPoint is boring. People learn in a lot of different ways
Does anyone smell anything smoky?

Oh
Oh
No
Whats the procedure
Wait
No! No
Not a viable option.
Okay
Oh! Heres a door. Check that one out. Hows the handle?
Well
Back to our options. Jeez! Ok! settle down everyone. No bunching!
Things can be replaced
Okay
Calm
Have you ever seen a burn victim?
Okay! Procedure
A what? A rag. A damp rag
Whats next?
How about 911? Anyone? 911.  Michael throws a chair at the window
Use the surge of fear and adrenaline to sharpen your decision-making.
Attention everyone! Employees of Dunder Mifflin! This has been a test of our emergency preparedness. There is no fire. It was only a simulation.
Fire not real. This was merely a training exercise.   So
A lot of ideas were not appreciated in their time.
Shampoo.
I just want to say for the record
Yes I shouted fire!. I shouted many things! I also shouted instructions on how to get out of the building
When no one hedded--
N-no one would take hedded of my instructions.
So
And
Hee-heeding this right now.
No.
PETA.
Well... I guess we papered over that pretty nicely.   It always amuses me when corporate thinks they can make some big change with a twenty minute meeting in some fancy high-rise. Whats the matter? You hungry?
Dont you worry about that. I got it covered. Okay?
I am planning a bomb scare that should really get the blood pumping.
What? You?
Come on.
Thats preposterous.
This is a farce. I should be teaching this course.
Absolutely I would not.
Okay
Anyone else?
Wrong. Ehh. Check for an organ donor card. If he has one
He is.
Get me some ice and a styrofoam bucket.   Here we go.
We search for the organs. Wheres the heart? The precious heart.
Clarice?
I didnt think it was very realistic in the movie and it turns out
Wow.
I have.
I state my regret.
I could not
Yeah
Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors.
Speaking of which...
May I have your attention please? Sign in
That was the last signature I needed.
How dare you all attack him like this.
Michael is your superior.
Okay
Ok
Youre interrupting me. Im trying to get your back.
Are you calling me an idiot?
Dont you ever talk to me that way. You pathetic
Its very unusual for Michael not to show up to work. My guess? Hes either deeply depressed
Attention everyone I just got a text from Michael. He says personnel day. Are we hiring?
Oh
Got it.
Hey. Why are you wearing a turtleneck?
Excuse me
Go ahead
I insist.
What he said was...
...there was a problem with having one head of the party planning committee. She becomes too powerful
I am a paper salesman
If you say screw you one more time...
Hey
Oh God.
What kind of cake do you want imbecile.
Well
They match the carpet
Its a statement of fact.
This is more professional. Its not like she discovered a cure for cancer.
Are you trying to hurt my feeling? Because if so
Have you collected the money from everyone?
How much do you have?
Thats how much you and I contributed! I... Damn it Jim!

Damn it!   Dwight Schrute.
Who is this?
Mose doesnt know how to use a phone. So jokes on you.
Uh
Ill call you back.
I have here Kelly Kapoors personal and confidental file. Allow me to share.   Kelly Kapoor spent April 1995 to December 1996 at Berks County Youth Center. Juvie. According to past employers
What did you do?
What did you do?
What did you learn in there? I bet you learned things
Why dont you tell Jim where you were from ages 14 to 15.
In juvie.
Juvie... nile... Detention Center. Where they send teenagers!
For reha-
What did you do? Huh?
Yeah
I thought you said yesterday was your birthday!
Frosting.
Nice job on the cake
Busy!
Oh
You know what? Im a little busy.
Its not effeminate. Its festive.
blowing up balloon
Its in the name.
Youre right
Heres one. It was dark
Schrutes dont celebrate birthdays
Thats cool. Hey
Hey
Told you.
Our theme
Thats our theme.
Oh
No.
Okay
Move it! Lets go
Okay
Mm
opens door to wake Kelly
Ayyyy!
So sexy it becomes hostile.
Yeah
Having trouble finding a vein?
How about now?
I train my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also
Youre right. OK everyone
A net? a giant net?
What do you have in mind?
Oh God
No.
Lonely people mixing with one another? Breeding? Creating an even lonelier generation? Ha
Hey. No movement.
Eh
Im ok. Feel a little lopsided because of all the blood they took out of my right side.
Oh. Meh.
Eh.
Hello.
Dwight K. Schrute. Why dont you introduce me to your little friend?   Hi
I can untie any knot. Im serious. Name a knot
You shouldnt believe everything you hear. In fact
You must use a lot of paper.
...and the kind of discounts were talking about are not... hold on - Michael
Is somebody after you?
Hey
Oh
So basically
OK
Oh-oh-oh before you go
OK. Well
Thanks
I got a knock-knock joke.
OK
Knock
KGB.
We will ask the questions!
What are you doing?
Hey! Hey! Stop it! Stop it!
Cmon. What are you doing? Mine was a part of my hilarious joke.
Im not answering it.
No way
Im not answering that. You answer it.
Im not gonna answer it
Its true.
That was your idea.
You did. Several times. Over and over again.
You were dressed as Willy Wonka so...
Wasnt my idea. Loved - but I cant.
You dont keep a diary.
Hold that thought.     March... 4th. Michael Scott came up with golden ticket idea to give five customers ten perfect off for one year.
To keep secrets from my computer.
Impossible.
I wasnt given candy as a child
Had conversation with Michael about taking credit for an idea that wasnt mine. Discussed movies.
With all my heart.
OK
No... How skin is the largest organ of the body.
Oh
I did fall on my sword once. I was running with it in my belt. Wont happen again.
What about Shoe La La?
I love working here and I do not want to leave.
Well...
We discussed the fact that Im cooped up here instead of experiencing the whole wide world.
No plowing my own acres. Going around shirtless all day. You know experiencing freedom.
Try me.
I havent made a decision yet.
No.
He said he would do the same for me.
Im gonna go back to work. After I write you up for insubordination.
David... youre welcome.
Thats what she said!
Inspiration.
You never know when its gonna strike. Just... boom.
Apology rejected.
Oh Pam.
Thanks old man.
Yeah.
Cause Ive got this idea...
Alright.
OK guys
So I love Willy Wonka. That golden ticket scene is so inspiring to me that thats where I cam up with that idea  .
Pam...
That is my idea.
It is my idea.
It is my idea. Im filled with good ideas. Thousands of good ideas.
Horse Boat.
A canoe built around your horse so you can go from riding to water travel without slowing down. Horse Boat!
Oh give me a break.
Thats because theyre easy!
Womens urinals... uh...
Yes
Oh I am. In my own words.
No.
No
No!
Ding dong.
KGB.
When you are done
We have more houses to visit.
We will come back at... how is   4:45?
How about 5:15?
Very well
Michael
Followed by a fifteen minute moment of silence.
Jim! Enough with the classy
Michael
Oh
Mr. Peanut is not classy.
He is a regular peanut. He just happens to have a cane
Ok
Well
I said that!  storms out
Originally founded in 1866
Well finish it up later
What about your party?
Ask him about the party.
No the other thing.
He hung up?
Oh
Hey there
Hows it hanging?
Good. Listen
Excellent.
Any really good headhunter would storm your village at sunset with overwhelming force and cut off your head with a ceremonial knife
Do you want me to translate the German instructions for you?
Typical American ignorance that got us involved in a war we never should have been in. World War II.
Deutsch... let me see here. That is either an incense dispenser
My German is pre-industrial and mostly religious.
Your own paper company.
Right...
What a courageous venture.
Location is hard for me
Okay. So yeah.
You know
No.
Hustle!
Way to go.
What?
This is how I breathe.
If you want to tell me -
Oh no! The new boss does not find Jim adorable! Ohhhh!
Really
Wow.
You can be so modest sometimes.
Maybe you and Charles should kick the soccer ball around.
Maybe you will tonight after work. What do you say?
Great ideas are just part of what I bring to the table.
I dont try and be anything that Im not.
Jim
Game on!
Wing.
Yeah
Let me check.   Oh nope! Clearly a hunter. Who knows how to throw an outfit together.
Yes
You know theres a ghost in this office
A woman was murdered on this very floor in 1816. Haddie McGonagle. She was a prostitute.
Oh
Yeah isnt it? She was bludgeoned to death by the business end of a riding crop.
It was gruesome. They say she walks these hallways. If you ever feel a tapping on your shoulder?
That could be Haddie. Begging for her life. And it could mean
Just kidding. You finding everything okay?
Yeah?
Erin   Erin...
Hey buddy.
Hey buddy
Listen
Well
And I
No no no.
Look I just want you and I to hang out so
Youre good.
Oh its good
Hey you want to sing with me? Almost heaven...
In German! Leben ist dort alt
Take it Andy! Take me home
Cherry Pie
No! Really?
Enter Sandman
Rebel Yell
Really?
These sleeves are cutting off my circulation. Not enough blood getting to my hands.
Doesnt Charles know hes compromising my attack readiness? Its not a dress code. Its a death sentence.
Kay
When Michael was in charge
Hey. Eds Tires is thinking of making a change.
They have some great kitchen ideas.
Its small
Thanks
Wh- I dont need $6 to help a friend.
Michael
But dont forget you owe me $10.
Michael.
You needed to speak to me?
I prefer to stand. Less blood clots.
Do you mean compared to the ways things ran with other bosses? Comparisons are hard.
Your concern is noted.
Like a wolf. Thank you.
Really?
Its firm.
I dont know that I can do that now. You know
No
Imagine... Someone has a personal hero they really wanna help. But then theres this new guy. Very cool
Good
No.
No.
It is possible that I could be talking about us.
It is the situation that we are in now.
Im not a barbarian.
I will.
Yes?
Ive said too much.
Im sorry
I did
Dwight Schrute.
I think you have the wrong number
Mr. Schofield
Dammit!
I have a long term relationship with Harper Collins publishers and Mr. Schofield. Im not worried.
And you have bad skin. Oh
And no
Michael has been talking to my biggest client. Master and apprentice pitted against one another for the fate of the greater Scranton area paper market. So its not exactly like Highlander
I would like to arrange a truce.
Meet me in our spot in four minutes.
Michael.
In which direction?
At what time?
That-
Michael.   Sorry.
Michael.
You were making me do things that were not all right.
And not come through for you?
I want a truce.
Let me take you and your whole company out for lunch at Alfredos.
I had fish yesterday.
Oh
I hit a bear.
Hes technically fine. I imagine the true horror will be when he wakes up in a zoo.   Hey
Ok
Did you enjoy your lunch?
No
Me.
I broke it.
Yes.
You think this is some kind of game? No
And I knew that you would do that. The meatball parm is their worst sandwich!
Hi there. Dwight Schrute here. I was just calling to see if Michael Scott Paper was meeting all of your paper needs
Schrute comma Dwight. And on the back he wrote
And say hello to Cheri
Sure. Thatd be fine.
This is war and that is what happens.
Oh
Michael! Michael!
Dont let him in! Hes a traitor! Michael!
Are you saying you invented paper?
Its not the soil! Its the manure! Paper is the manure! On-time delivery is the soil! Aah!
Spin move.
Ha ha! April 13th
I barge because I care. April 13th
La la la! Continuing. Notice my persistence and recall. Continuing! You called Dunder Mifflin
Come on.
What hes not telling you is that he will abandon you.
Thank you
How is Tom
Shame
Its not your fault. Some people just dont want to be inspired.
Been there
David Wallace! Hello
Come along
Stupid. Yeah
I say we fill Michaels office with bees. My apiarist owes me a favor.
No
Five minutes exactly.
Sure thing.
Idiot
Let me float something out there
There is a hive of bees outside the front door. We kidnap the queen
Oh
You know what? Why dont I do it
Well
May I have your attention? The Michael Scott Paper Company is broke.
Theyve been calling all of their clients and begging them to pay more money. That can only mean one thing. Theyre desperate. Which can only mean one thing. Theyre total failures.
Quiet you.
You dont crack a case. That has pejorative connotation. Thats like calling a policeman a cop. You solve a case
Im gonna answer Charles first.
Okay
Done.
Im not-- Im not following you.
Wh--
Wh--what are you doing?
Wait
Yeah
You were bought out. So the company then bought out all of the stolen clients.
Fresh hot ink.
Trust me
No
When held over heat the invisible ink will reveal that everyone should meet at the warehouse immediately. Do not ask me where I got the invisible ink. Urine. It was urine.
Okay
Did you even read the memo?
No
Stop doing rhyming poetry. Just tell them
Were in crisis mode here
No
Stanley
He doesnt like it.
Her face is okay
Get out! We need to do something. Im thinking maybe a coup or we take Ryan hostage.
No
Excellent question.
Words will never be enough.
No
Oh. Well
Cmon.   Guys. Psst
Lunch.
Its pony.
Whoa
Thats my client.
Give me the phone.
Give me the phone. Tell him Dwight Schrute wants to talk to him.
Hi
Hey
Dwight Schrute here. Hey
I know times are tough right now
Ah! Mr. Bart! Ugh!  slams phone down  I cannot believe you lost that account. He was my client for ten years!
Youre a secretary! What do you know?
And youre a temp and Im taking your phone. Im confiscating this.
We want our clients back or we quit
No
Right.
Gasp. Are you talking about a secret meeting?
I dont know that first things about secret meetings.
Ill do--
Ill do the best I can.
Deceit does not come easy to me.
Thats fair.
Listen up
No.
Thats debatable.
Shut up.
I got her!
I do.
Erin
Now
Attention
It is a big deal. Cause theres only a handful of reasons why someone would ever go to a courthouse in Ohio and not be charged with a crime. To claim an inheritance from a deceased relative. To obtain a learners permit at age 14 and a half instead of 15. Erin
No.
All work and no play makes Michael a dull boy.
Hey! Hey
Who tipped you over? Was it Phillip?
Yeah. Back injuries are common. Not as common as knee injuries but more common than wrist injuries.
What do you think history is?
Out of the way! Move it or lose it!
You want to get sick you go to the hospital.
Im gonna need two able bodied men.
You comfy? Alright? Alright. Relax. Relax
Come on. Relax. The shirt wasnt doing you any favors. If my assessment in correct
No kidding! She sits three feet from me. Its the most annoying thing.   Its like children singing Christmas carols.
Tell me where it hurts.
Oh yeah. youve got a knot in your crest. This remedy has been passed down in my family for generations. and it always works. My grandfather was told that Diamond Dancer would never race again. they were wrong. He came in 9th in the Apple Creek Derby and his jerky came in 3rd the following year. A majestic beast. So fast. So tender.
This is oil from the gland of an otter. It keeps their fur water resistant
Whoa! Whoa
Im gonna with the python.
No. Please. I find the rattle soothing. It puts me to sleep.
Whats so funny?
Ordinarily I would say no but you need to move to reduce lactic acid build-up. Also
You cant steal what is legally your property.
What do you need from me?
Normally I dont condone leaving early
Like clockwork.
Bye Michael!  all applaud and cheer
Im gonna say 30.
Good point
Of course. You think the EPA would ever allow that much DEET?
Rolph is my best friend. We met in a shoe store. I heard him asking for a shoe that could increase his speed and not leave any tracks.
Listen up everyone! Ive gone over this lineup very carefully. We cannot forget the humiliation we suffered last year at the softball game with Jims whole spider-in-the-mitt incident. Right?
Erin
Why? I dont understand.
Woah
Ill tell you what
Sly dog.
Come on
Ohh! Oh
I couldve gotten that
Its not a sledgehammer! Come on

playing volleyball
Rule violation. Ball is ours. Give it to me. Our point. Okay. Hey
Yes! We advance to the next round!
Hit it Andy!
Dont set it to yourself!
What happened?
You werent even moving.   Okay
Okay
Listen guys
Hey
Because if we dont play
Okay
Rolph
Rolph
Pam!
Tell you what. I spotted a small hospital a few kilometers south of here. Get her back as soon as possible. Ill stall em.
Oh man
Okay. Fine.
Except
No
Seven? Can I finish please?
Eight?
walking on Pams desk
stands on his hands kicking open bathroom doors as Andy films
Andy! Leapfrog!
Yeah!  Dwight jumps on Andys back
Okay.
Jump over the camera! Jump over the camera!  Michael feebly attempts to jump off car
Lets do it!
Good. Excellent. Thank you.
chugs water
Go put them all in random order.
Then come back here for your next assignment concerning their order.
Okay
He most definitely does. Hes been asking her out repeatedly for weeks. She finally said yes. They went out on a group date the other night  apparently it went very well.
People tell me things. I guess I have a face you can trust. I think its because of my low cheekbones. And... boom.  finishes typing
Stanleys way past the middle of his life. Especially considering his height to weight ratio.
Present these to the dean for credit. And
grabs card from Eric
Look at the intern to your left. Now to your right.   One of you will do exceedingly well in business
Michael...  leads Michael to corner of vestibule
Whos the father?
Hmmm
Oh really
Nnnnn
Im talking about... hmmm.
So long Darryl
Oh? From who
Since when have you known Darryl to rush to do anything other than to come up here for birthday cake?   Yall having birthday cake?
Please... and how many foremen do you know that pull boxes?
It just doesnt add up.
Nah
I have been my whole life.
Im rebuilding a turn of the century steam engine in my slaughter house.
Yeah.
Yeah
Wa... wa... wait
Here
Oh
Toby...
Ooohhh...   Oh man! You okay?
I need to see your pupils. I need to see if theyre dilated.
We thought that she was you.
Are you... are you serious? Be... cause you look exactly alike. Am I the only one? Are you getting this?
Aww
Wait! Theyre using the lift as their own personal elevator.
He broke his ankle climbing over the railing and he lied about it because it was a misuse of company equipment
Really? Then why is there new wood only on one railing? Hmmm? We should check the security tapes Toby.
Yes!
Now
Phhhht. No judge is gonna believe that...
Okay people
Im... I was making it.
AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Could you please sign my expense report?
Sign this.
Sign it.
Idiot.
I have a complaint about Jim.
I would like to file a huge
Jim wont sign my expense report.
No
This has to do--
Id like to lodge a complaint.
You!
One minute ago.
Angry.
No.
No.
No.
Wait
Im not cr-- uhh!
I deserved that promotion
This is ridiculous! How could he do this to us?!
What about all these people
Her kid needs shoes
And Jim!
I think it was Creed.
People are starting to notice how terrible Jim is. Its great. Eventually
Come on in.   Thats right. Come in
Things were not this bad when just Michael was manager.
Are we idiots?  gets up
No
Pam is constantly throwing up because of the pregnancy. If she eats something the fetus doesnt like she is screwed. Its amazing. A three ounce fetus is calling the shots. Its so bad ass.
Oh
Come on. Youve got to be kidding me.
Well see.
But you can say that about anything.
What happens in accounting
Its easy. Thats what Im saying.
I stole the guest list from Jims desk and I search engined every female on both sides of the family.
Yes.
For instance
Two years ago she was selling a mountain bike.
Well... she was really into mountain biking but not so much lately.
She had a couple hundred dollars to spend
Well
What? No way!
Oh. God.
You know what? I made you a cd...
Mmm-hmm.
This is to play when you bring a woman back to your hotel room.
Youre gonna like this.   Hello. This is Dwight Schrute. If you are listening to this you are a lucky woman Michael has seduced. Ah to be in your shoes. Whats next?
Yeah. Its practical.
The proximity to the falls makes everything smell like a basement.
Dwight Schrute. I have a reservation. Confirmation number: Romeo. Tango. G7745.
And I had spoken to Teresa about a room with two safes?
Ok.
No way. What if I meet someone?
No. No.
You would?
Really?
Wait a second. Oh. No
Oh no. Now that I dont have a room
Please?
Mmm-hmm.
Ok. Ok. A-ha-ha!   That was a test. You have failed. For this is my room. You would not share with me.
No you do not.
It worked.
From quarter three to quarter four up 17 percent
Excellent question. Because while I was busy trying to improve the company and make it a success
Thats right. It is ew. It is very ew.
Its just for family.
Isabel Poreba. Oh
Thats a very good record.
Knight Rider.
No.
Very smart.
What? Its a casual
No. Theyre howling at the moon. Its suggestive to women because of the howling during s*x.
Im just worried about the farm
Nine and three-quarters.
I invented a device called Burger on the Go. It allows you to obtain 6 regular size hamburgers
Michael.
Drop this one. Abort.
I found twins.
Arent they magnificent?
I love finding a good set of twins.
Hey-O!
Congratulations.
Oh my goodness.
Youll have Pam to answer to.
Jim... hey why dont you braid my hair. I want to watch TV.
You have everything?
Cell phone? Charger?
It really is. Im not hungry. I ate a whole bunch of sunflower seeds after you went to sleep. And besides
You know it.
Okay
Okay.
Really? I hadnt noticed. Too busy knocking boots.
Im ravenous after a night of love making. You?
Hey
Brides side or grooms side? Or townie?
No kidding.
I bet she had hairy armpits.
Isabel was nice
No.
Oh please. Put a gun in my mouth.
Look. Shes a dental hygienist from Carbondale and she makes love like one. Shes a bumpkin. Pass.
You should ask her out.
I got them a set of turtle boiling pots
That was an intelligent comment.
Oh. Fine. Isabel
So
Toby.
Id like to lodge a formal complaint against Jim for making us wait for over an hour.
Crap.  sees turtle on the ground
I think youre right. It definitely looks suspicious. And his southern Italian heritage raises some flags.
Did he threaten you?
I knew it! More trunk space. Or should I say
No
Exactly.
No I disagree. R is among the most menacing of sounds. Thats why they call it murder. And not muck-duck.
Lock your door!
Thats bad.
Thats bad.
Hes right. Cops cant do anything until a crime has been reported.
You know what?
Thats an exaggeration.
No
The only way to defeat a bully is to stand up to him. Trust me
Heres what we do. We meet him in a public place. Ask him to lunch or something like that
Let him know youre not the typical kind of guy that he can shake down. That youre stubborn. That you might even be a little bit dangerous.
Do you know how to use it?
Youre wearing loafers!
Hey. Bathroom checks out clean. Nothing behind the toilet except for this roach motel.
Youll never kill it that way. You want to separate the head from the thorax-
Hello.
Oh hes not that nice.
What hes trying to say is
Bring him the gabba-gool!
He was trying to force you to decide on a policy.
So were choosing...
Check out Dental?
Dont do it!
Dont.
Yes.
I dont understand
It wasnt a snap decision
Do you know what snap decision means?
It means like this.
We have let Michael down
Not on the inside hes not. Look at his life! Broke! Living in fear! No friends
Not the living in fear
Yes. Hes got to stand up to this mafia guy.
Me neither. Not the way things are now. But what if Michael felt no fear toward the mafia guy?
Yeah...
What is wrong with you? I am talking about convincing Michael that the guys not mafia!
Well more far-fetched than a mobster walking into a paper company for a low-level shakedown? And that happened.
Michael. Incredible news. Grotti is clean.
Its true
And he made us all look like chumps!
Okay thats-
Thats good
We just told you he wasnt mafia
You successfully backed down the mob!
Very close.
Yeah!
Its Jim and Pam
Yeah...
This conversation has two items on the agenda.
Number one
Youre welcome!  quacks
I inserted a listening device into the belly of the mallard. Now I can observe Jim
Im sorry to have been bugging you all these years.
Mallard. Okay
You seem tense. Hey
Theres an egg on your head and the yolk is running down
Theres a knife in your back and the blood is gushing down...
...the blood is gushing down
The Nard Dog... what was that all about?
What were you talking about in there?
Volunteerism is important. Every weekend I volunteer at the local animal shelter and they need a lot of help down there. Last Sunday I had to put down over 150 pets all by myself.
I dont think theres a whole lot of sleeping going on.
Shh!
Where did you get that mallard?
That!
Okay
Ill give you five bucks for it.
Ten.
Well
Im sorry.
Mallard. I put it in your office in order to surveil you. I was jealous that you got the promotion over me.
Oh
Dont tell Michael...
Punishment fits the crime
walks into Jims office
Im Jigsaw
Michael
Michael?
A carp is both a fish and a term for complaing. Theyre mocking you with wordplay.
Michael
I dont want people making fun of my nose.
Its too small.
Just
Hey! Its on the list
Thank you.
Michael
Play it again.   He purposefully leaned away and let you fall in.
Judas.
Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So
Good morning everybody. Who would like an authentic New York bagel? Hmmm? Stanley?
No
Oh
Oh
Good morning Michael.
Hungry?
Fish sticks are not an aphrodisiac.
Youre thinking of deer pen1s.
Regardless. That was over two hours ago and it is now a scientific fact that you are hungry.   Bagel?
K. I brought cheese too.
Excellent.
Okay.   You owe me.
Cant a guy just buy some bagels for his friends so theyll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore? Geez. When did everyone get so cynical?
Pam
Thats right. Youre a woman and you need to refuse food the first time. Ill try again. Please Pam
Let me guess-- you ate the bagel I gave you and loved it.
Wow--
I will.
Let me get that door for you--
There you go!
Oh... goodness... thanks. You know
Observe.
Right?
Yeah
And that needs to be straight as an arrow.
Thank you very much for that.
Have a seat. Allow me.
You know what? I am going to preemptively change the batteries in your wireless mouse.
No
Andy is complicating things. But Im not worried. This will only up my game.
Whats going on in here?
Oh... no... really?
There is no book. Theres only a survival guide.
Okay
Hey
No
Dont worry about it. You can just owe me.
Whats going on?
Alright
Oh yeah
Got it.   To Dwight. Wha--   Starbucks gift card.
Dammit. I am no closer to taking Jim down. What a waste of a day. I could of grown poisoned mushrooms that would have been this high by now.   Theyre mushrooms. They dont get that high.
Wait
Lets get some raw meat on that face. I got a chicken in the freezer upstairs.
Good
Fire Jim.
Im cashing in the favor. Fire him.
Do it. Promote me. Tri-managers.
Can I have an office?
You know what you can keep your stupid favor. Its worthless. And this is my dinner on your face. Im keeping it.
screaming
How can I pose this to you in a relatable way? You are all members of the Yakuza and you happen to be visiting the Lackawanna trolley museum... and you are attacked by triads... how can you hold them off until your clan arrives? You cannot go wrong with a throat punch  screams
No
False. I did choke you with your shoelace. Now come at me!
That is correct. Unless there happened to be measles present.
Easy. Allow me to demonstrate. I am attacking myself with a throat punch. Here it comes.   Block. Grasp wrist as such.
Good point. Second
He really is
The important thing to remember Jim... we always have what is called the element of surprise.
Michael?
What is the meaning of this email that everyone got?
This one
Hello everyone I am sure you have seen the item in the Journal. I just want to stress that its all conjecture. If theres any concrete news you will know ASAP.
You know what? You can all have jobs at Schrute Farms as human scarecrows. It doesnt pay much and you cant unionize.
He needs me. Seat saved infinity.
Wait a minute
I will poison your food.
Voodoo Mama Juju
I know you did it!
I know she didnt do it. Its never the person you most suspect. Its also never the person you least suspect
Frankly
Youre sure it was water
Stop playing games with me
Answer me.
You are out of order.
Hey shut up. Youre dead.
Oh
OK
I have crossbows.
OK
Bow down before Recyclops.
Happy Earth Day
Who has put a number seven plastic in a number four bin?
Recylops will drown you in your over-watered lawns.
Recyclops will have his revenge.
Recyclops destroys!
Yes.
Polluticorn wishes.
Humans are terrible for the environment.
The twirl sucks.
What kind of mileage does this baby get?
Calves. Calves all the way.
Smells like it.
Word.
Ill ask you a question.
Michael Scott you run the most profitable branch of Dunder Mifflin. How do you do it?
Good luck
Coming through. Che
I was hoping to lob Michael his softball question early. I wanted to swing by the garment district
How is he gonna have grandkids?
No. You will not.
Oh
Oh. If onlys and justs were candies and nuts then every day would be Erntedankfest.
Yes.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah.
Yeah! Your idea.
My idea. I just need Andy to think its his idea. So it wont get traced back to me. In approximately six hours
Hey Jimmy
Cool. Very cool. I bet if you tried
That laugh is so infectious.
I didnt mean any of those things I just said. And you can expect the same from everyone in this office if you dont nip this whole Employee of the Month situation in the bud. Make it about the work.
This encompasses all available data. Hours
In an ideal world
Im going to run this by Toby and Accounting and have him assemble the data.
Hey
So Jim thought it would be ideal if we all pitched in a 20 for this whole Employee of the Month thing.
He thought you were doing an incredible job last month.
You seem suprised.
Hey buddy
Five minutes ahead of schedule. Right on schedule.
Oh
Yeah
My idea!
Excellent idea
There must be some reasonable explanation for this.
He knew all along!
This is Kevin Malone
Tell him Im mad at Jim
This is Stanley Hudson. Jim Halpert is a menace.
Its Toby Flenderson. Listen
I know how it happened.
No!
What?
No.
What?
Oh
Damn it!
Apparently.
Not now
What? Diabolical plan? I wouldnt even know how to begin a diabol...
So what do you want?
Attention everyone! Jim and I
--the party planning committee...
But effective
Merry Christmas. Good.
My diabolical plot is on hold for Christmas. My heart just melts with the sound of children singing. Hmmph!   Not really! Im just tired. The days are short. I dont know. Maybe Im depressed.
It is time to unveil the tree.
It is warm feelings.
Thirty! Twenty-nine! Twenty-eight!
Twenty- seven! Twenty-six! ...
Exactly.
Everyone.
Yes
Like the spirit of Christmas!
This was a successful unveiling! Go back to work! Merry Christmas!
Hey Santa!
For several weeks
Excuse me. Whoever has been sending me the parts to this gun
What else does it look like?
Well I dont have all the pieces yet.
Not a gun.
We dont have a North Pole branch. Idiot.
Yes!
Whats your pin number?
Where? Holiday Inn? I dont ...
You are kidding me!
When? When did he tell you? Today?
Awww!
Aaaarrhh!
Hey David.
Yeah!
I walk a lonely road
Its true. We all walk alone.
My shadows the only one that walks beside me. My shallow hearts the only thing thats beating...
I have no idea.
Michael? Please! Come on!
Oh man!   I can use this for so many nuts! Macadamias
Its real slippery out here.
Oh
He has more character in a single flake of his dandruff then you have in that entire snow bank on your shoulder. Wait
Ignore him. Hes the local lunatic.
Dwight? Who is this Dwight? Oh! You mean Dwight Schrute
Thank you
Hope to see you soon.
Yo
What?
What?
But check that its covered by your
But the little cars go in the compact spot!
Dont lose your head.
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
Here we go.   Oh! Wow.
Impulsivity and inattention to detail.
Terrible mistake.
Undistributable.
Impossible. He opened it like an ape.
Welcome. Scranton hot dog from Scranton?
So excited.
Oh. Of course.
Theyre 2 ounce paper cups dipped in plastic. He goes through 20 a day.
Im not seeing anything under confirmation.
Could it be under affirmation? Cause you have thousands of those.
You did get the e-vite to my barbeque!
Michael...
Wait
Thank you.
Hello.
I am treating you the same as a man
I
Bobcat
Youre twenty minutes late!
Just admit you lost track of time.
Ryan and I have been meeting up to work on our diabolical plot against Jim. Ryan is always late for our meetings. I wish I had a lair.
Of course I seesaw. Mose and I seesaw all the time.
Oh
I like where youre going with this. Continue.
I have an old barn!
Its kinda smelly
Okay
Hes supposed to cut his leg off? Think!
Think!
The new IT guy. Nick.
I think he is the key. Hes very trusting
Why dont you just let me handle the Tolkien references
Smeagol was corrupted and became Gollum.
I might start a diabolical plot against him after this one.
You know
Its not really 1992 anymore.
Ho-ho. There he is
I imagine one of the best things about being an IT guy is
Listen
No
Michael
She sent an email
Well
I cant help but think that something we did made this possible.
Oh temp
Because! Martini bars are pretentious. No thank you.
It is not farm boy swill
Wait a minute! You cant do that. You cannot exploit your baby for sales.
No
Hey there. Dwight Schrute here. Listen
I need a baby. Ill never outsell Jim and Pam without one. Also
Ha
Bare my child.
I want to have a child for business reasons and I want you to be the mother. If you agree
Have a seat.
Before we conceive a child
Its been a long time since weve come down here separately.
Now
Acceptable names include and are limited to : Ebenezer.
Jonas.
Warf.
Okay. Fine.
Irrelevant question. Section 5A
Yes you can.
Its as simple as keeping the womb extremely warm for two days after s*x
No
Has anyone checked how dilated she is? This is ridiculous!
We dont.
Doesnt matter. Ill escort you!
Lets go!
Michael!
This is where I saw that deer last week.
Right over by that fence.
Lets go!
I love escorting people. In fact
Ugh
Are you kidding me?
Dwight Schrute.
Why didnt you ask me to do it yesterday? I kept IMing you how bored I was.
I dont need a key.
No
Yesterday
Hey
Nothing left to do except dot the Is
Very well.
Isabelle. Hello... Yeah
Yup.
Oh
Hey
Are they now? Ha ha
Alright. Ill call you
Two forms of ID
Nothing.
Just pour yourself a cup of apple juice. I feel sick...   I couldnt find the iPod... Give me a couple days. Ill be out of your hair.
Very good. Okay. Will get back to you right away on that
Mega-Desk.
Command central.
Surveillance
Okay. Come on! Jim!
Dweedle Dee and Dweedle Dumb-ass have been away on maternity leave. Now Dweedle Dumb-ass is back
Great.
Thank you.
Oh come on. Come on. Five more minutes? Five more minutes of Mega-Desk? Please?
They say that no man is an island. False! I am an island and this island is volcanic. And it is about to erupt. With the molten hot lava of strategy!
Must be amazing being a father right
Ah
What up is
I mean
Ill tell you what happened to me. I didnt see my father for the first two years of my life. I thought my mother was my father
Turned out fine for me. But Mose? Oh. Same story
Oh Jim
My headphones are broken.
Can I listen to my music at a low volume?
Okay?  Unplugs cord
-But well be together then-
-Dad
Ah. Got a little client meeting at Shanny OGannigans tonight. It shouldnt go all night long
Hi there Jo. Sorry to interrupt. Um
Well
What the hell is this?
This is not Mega-Desk.
Thats ridiculous
Hello
Yeah
Sorry
You couldnt handle my undivided attention.
Listen
When I was asking about the leads.
... is there any news on the leads?
Yeah. You got any news on the leads? ... Okay
Salesman is king. As the best salesman
What are you doing
Scavenger hunt? Here. I can solve it. Give it.   The treasure you seek is in the parking lot under the first president.
The prankster is getting pranked. Ha ha.
The leads are in?
Michael? Michael
Kevin! Damnit   Kevin
Really.
Gimme the leads. Where are my leads?
Where are they?
Turn the trash   Its code. Alright
dashes to kitchen
dives into dumpster
Ill go
This place has gone to hell.
Yeah
Oh
Hey. There is nothing I can do about my wide-set eyes.
When I first met you
Oh
Okay? Because they promote from within. Instead I had to follow you - you
I hitched my wagon to a horse with no legs.
Kung-fu movies!
Nice babies youre making with the floozies at the bars.
Your made-up wife? Who doesnt exist?  Michael picks up a piece of metal and hurls it at Dwight
Dont do it
No!
Stop it
Oh
Wow. Amazing
Hey   You know whod like this? Phyllis. Purple
Yeah
Hope - grows.
drives into office parking lot
We have an awesome bean bag chair thats perfect for the break room.
Yeah
Breathe. Work your core. Come on.
Not counting the last one
Ok
Okay.
And one girl push-up.
25. Yeah! Come on
Hold that thought. Well
Whats a girl like you doing in a place like this?
Ooh
Usually means theres a battle scene coming.
Any brothers or sisters?
Really?
Vegetarian?
Whats your blood type?
Universal donor.  startled by Angela
Angela versus Isabel. Height
Whacking moles. Hit em on the head. Whack. Say it with me.
Extend the fingers more.
Good.
Hey
Listen
Look
Its just that we both-we want different things. You know
No
Dissolved. Dont worry
With this move
Oh
Sh-what?
No
What are you-
Angela...
Youre really putting me in an awkward position here.
Angela
You are an impressive specimen.
Why is everyone clumped around accounting? Break it up
Is that the program where all those puppets live in the barrio?
I love that show.
That is an amusing link. Id like it sent to me

Well
Her milk is coming in. Shes getting uncomfortable.
Same thing happens with my cows if I dont tend them frequently enough. You gotta milk them
removes jacket
Really? Fine. Let your breasts explode. Three squeezes and I would drain you.
Yeah pretty much.
Wait
Prideful idiots. Watch how its done.   Gabriel
I kneel before you.
Humbly taking your hand upon which I kiss to show my contrition.
What was that? Are you kidding me? Was that an impression?
I have to go back to the zoo to the stick insect exhibit.
Guten tag
I dont understand why Michael is wasting his time with Spanish. I have it on very good authority that within 20 years
You know what? I should be getting this client
If you want people to put the best face on something
What is this?
It doesnt just sound aight
How do I apply?
Uh
Come here. Come here.
Ten seconds ago
One minority from this branch is going to get into this program. Who would I refer? Hmm... the competent
Oh
Well
I bet you get pulled over by the cops a lot
I think you should consider applying for the executive minority training program.
I know
You could be the Indian Bill Gates. You could be the Indian Ted Turner.
Thats not... shes... okay. Yes.
How as being a minority affected you?
Oh
Oh
Hey... what are you guys doing?
You know
Ryan? What does he know?
We?
Kelly will be even worse than Darryl. If youd have told me this morning that today Id be creating a monster capable f my own destruction
Kelly is disqualified!
You said the program is not open to Caucasians. Well... anthropologically
Well
Kelly is the only applicant.
Oh
How would one of you feel if I told you I could put you on a fast track to an executive position at this company?
I wasnt talking to you
What Im offering is a ticket on a bullet train straight to middle management.
Yes.
Speaking of rainbows
I can protect you from Kelly.   Will you get out of here? Seriously.
Whoa
Helping heal America in a dramatic fashion in the 11th hour.
Caucasians
You dont know what you need. Just...
Hey
Oh.
Gosh. He he.
Just once
Stop it!
Youre talking about me in Morse Code. Well
Very well. I must have imagined it. I apologize.   Detonator. Detonator where? Michael!
Michael
Fine.   Hey. Tap away.
Eel fishing.
Are you nuts?
Oh
Oh
I think Ive got one for you.
$100 a day
Im just gonna warn you... and I say this to all my clients... you might not like what I find.
And you might not like how I find it.  slides over table
Hi stranger.
I work with Michael.
Dwight Schrute.
All cases are solved with logic. The only logical way to find out if Donna Is a cheater is to seduce her
at gym
Its all yours.   Ah!  after first rep
Yeah
Tractor pulling. Too bad theres not a tractor here.
Oh. Oh. Oh.   One thing you need to know about me. I dont quit until something tears or pops.   You look like youre getting a good workout. Can I feel your pulse?
Really? Hey
Get out of my way. Huh!
Tomorrows fertilizer
Donna. Donna
Donna
Oh
Yeah
Put your fingers here.
Im positive. Yeah
People who dont trust egg whites.
Oh
Youre right. I was paraphrasing. What she actually said was
Okay
You know what? You had your chance. Youre no leader. Out of your seat
No! The hills a trap. Lets take the dirt road off to the side.
If they catch us
You were being really funny
No
Come on
Toby
Ready
Leave
Right now!
Michael
No.
Alleged contract.
Just try. I will do legal jujitsu on you. Gyah!   See
So much of this is just impossible to verify. Item five
How do we know this? Id like to see a stool sample.
Eughh.
Same page. Just keep moving.
Which we cant know.
Unless were unplugged.
And wake up in the future.
What?
What?
I dont have $30
$30
Look
Intercourse to completion. Five individual times rendered at my discretion?
Agreed.
Five times for $30
But not in your bed. Its lumpy.
Fine. Five times.
No.
Do you understand how rare is that in nature?
I am an honorable man
I could have stopped him.
Are you warmed up?
God
Never mind. Just never mind.
Oh
Michael
Hey
Oh
Apache persuasion hold
Youre with Big Brother? Okay
Hold that thought. I dont want to waste your time
Why would I disparage a company that has made me rich beyond my wildest dreams?
Are you referring to alchemy?
Im not dumb. Im smart.
Let me give you a hand.
Ready?   Got it? Oh shoot. Got it?  walks away
Basement office? You mean like a lair?
Okay.
Cancel it. I want you to make an offer at seventeen twenty-five Slough Avenue. Make em an offer they cant refuse. No
All right. Sounds good.
Oh
Hey
Im about to buy this building
Well
Hiya! Ha!  climbs on Phyllis desk and starts kicking things off
From now on
Like youd ever be cold
Jim
Dwight Schrute
The bigger the key chain
Where?
Give me that.
Yes.
Jim quietly takes Dwights keychain and starts adding keys to it
Whos gonna tell on us? Gabe?
How close?
Yes. Of course.
Hey
Okay
Is this elevator going up? Hey
Pam
Use your talons! Pry em open!
Well
Ive got 56 ounces of fluid in my bladder! And we have to establish a pee corner!
How ya doin?
Wow. Late every day this week.
Why didnt I think of this before? Did you know that there is a daycare center opening right here in this building?
Now that I own the building
Welcome to the Sesame Avenue Daycare Center for infants and toddlers.
You remember my cousin Mose.
Oh no. I like to think of it as a kids place. Would you like a tour?
Come on. Here is the language skills and cognitive development area. These are English... uh... letters.   I see you found out magical toy box Jim.
Jim! To you and me
Oh! That shouldnt have been in there. Im embarrassed.
We come fully equipped with a restroom. Feeding trough
No one. The door locks from the outside. Escape is impossible.
What?
Oh no
I promise you
Boycott the Steamtown Mall! Everyone
All of it! The mall
Yeah
You dont want to know.
What?
Yes I did. And Im going to do the same with all of your clients.
Oh yes I will! That mall is corrupt
You guys know me. You know that Im not one for fancy things
I went to the store and I pressed the buzzer
Ok
Apparently there is a famous Hollywood movie from the 1980s
Apparently
Ok
Really?
Wait. Less matching to appear more rich?
I cant see.
Wait
Copy. Thank you.
Please.
Thank you.
What?
Do you have your card?
It is a pewter wizard holding a crystal.
Because Im here for one thing. Revenge.
Excuse me sir.
I was here yesterday
You work on commission
Good Morning!
What?
It was beet juice! I am a beet farmer idi...
Good sir. I happen to have been working a very long day. When I came to you fine establishment. You are such a... Im gonna... Ok. Listen. You cant treat... Thank you! Good morning sir!
You made a big mistake. Huge!
Aaah!
Ill take the wizard!
Uh
Please
Angela? Dont like her anymore. Not attracted to her anymore. Just contractually obligated to make a baby with her.
Give me the punch card.
That is not in the contract.
Alright
I work with that guy.
Too bad Im not gonna explain anything that you miss.
His names Andy. Hes a terrible salesman.
Why are you dressed like a seed catalogue model?
Lets go.
All that singing got in the way of some perfectly good murders.
All right
Its okay
No
I will tell. I will tell the mediator. What-what are you...   Ok. Oh
Good night.
Hola
I pick up day laborers and tell them theyll get paid at six p.m. At five forty five
Hola
Y el accento
You speak English?
Ok

That is my new maintenance worker
Poor hornet.
I left him all the tools he needs. This is do or die. If he chooses correctly hell conquer the hornets...
Hell die.
When did the phrase do or die become so corrupted?
Interesting choice...
A bat! Impressive...
Some eggs can rely dormant in a woman for years
What port? The Jan port. The Holly Por...
You may have...
You need to contact Holly! You need to notify her
You need to contact every woman youve been with
Then I will.
No
So long Donna!
He forgot to mention the herpes.
I dont understand the reference.
We had to come over right away
Ok Im gonna head outta here
Next stop is Helene. Youre gonna wanna make a left on Willow
Jan knows paper.
Wait
Forget it Michael! Today is about herpes.
Who gave it to you
TO answer your question about Jan
Come on old lady. Lets go.
Come on.
Michael!
Excuse me
It was probably just an ingrown mustache hair but we have to be exhaustive.
Im gonna need a list of every man youve ever had s*x with. Im talking train stations
Fence with a hole in it..
The woods behind the liquor store
The democratic primaries
Cant beat a horse. A horse is a bike that peddles itself.
Yeah!
How do I look?
Normal. Ugly.
Alright. Wait
We have a big meeting with the chief buyer for Frames Select
Will you stop trying to put it in terms you think theyll understand? Its condescending.
And who is this the Steve Nash?
No.
No
Go tell her were here. Youre good with receptionists.
Crap.
Danny Cordray is the worst.
The best salesman ever. He works for Osprey Paper over in Throop
Also
Im gonna intimidate him. Okay?
Watch this.
So anyway
What are you doing?
Like hell you are.
Hes not just here for the coffee
Whatd he say? What did he say?
There he is.
Ive been in showtime mode since breakfast.
Hes not kidding.
Oh.
Jim talked too much.
Yes
I know how we can learn his tricks.
What I am about to show you is of the utmost secrecy.
Yes
The Sting. The Sting.
Van Helsing was a respected professor before he was a vampire killer.
People cant keep their true natures hidden for long
Hes very
Oh...
Oh
I told you! Youre an exec at Stark Industries
Then make him pitch to you.
We gotta see what hes got.
Okay
Okay. Youre a young hotshot from Stark Industries. Youve just bought this company. Meredith is fired. Its a whole new regime. Hes gotta pitch to you now.
Michael! No
No!
Michael?
Can I talk to you about something?
Its about this very announcement you just made.
Michael-
Wheres he gonna sit? Theres no more seats.
Wheres he gonna park? Theres no more reserved parking spots.
You snubbed her.
Let me handle this
Oh
Welcome aboard.
Its after 5:00
Pleasure.
So long
Too late! If I was the real Scranton Strangler
To my chickens Im the Scranton Strangler.   Oh-ho! Thats very funny. Looks like someone decided to dress up as old Dwight Schrutes mom.
Youre only one third as beautiful and only half her height.
Lake Erie.
Pam is gonna choose whoever has a scent most like that of her father. Does anyone remember what her dad smelled like?
He went to Gabe behind your back.
He went over your head to go behind your back.
No. Shh. Michael
Yeah. Heres another good idea. Corporate chain of command. We need to strangle Darryls idea.
Garbage magnet.   Garbage magnet
Hmm
Lets just say I saw exactly what the two of you wanted me to see.
I know how to sit on a fence. Hell
Uh-huh. Right. And ruin their cloaks? Do you have any idea how expensive wool is in Transylvania?   Cause of the euro.
Uh...
NO
The worst thing you can do for your immune system is to coddle it. They need to fight their own battles. If Sabre really cared about our well-being
Exposing yourself to germs is the best way to make yourself stronger.
Yes. I would welcome it.
The principle is sound. To avoid illness
For all your paper and printer needs. For all your paper and printer needs. For all your paper and printer needs.
Good morning. Dwight Schrute. Thank you all for your prayers and your remembrances. Like Justin and his disfigurement
Opus dei.
Shh
Greg
I am ready to love thy neighbor with these kind of discounts.
Ill call you back.
Michael
Gah!
They shouldnt televise any of this
Not because I want to. With all the feeling to base a show around. Glee? Thirst. Now thats a show Id watch.
Tonight might be a convenient night for us to have some intercourse.
Michael
Kelly. Kev-   Are you gonna quiet that baby? Or do I have to?  Dwight grabs Cece and makes noises
That would be nice wouldnt it?
You know its not really necessary for me to sit here holding her all night. Just go into Gabes refrigerator
Really? Oh... Then here we are.
She loves me.
Well somethings come up
I have something to do.
I do. But you married my worst enemy.
Enough. I will require beer and pizza to think this over.
From Jim.
Surprise me. No! Pepperoni.
Insert it in my mouth.
No
Id prefer for him to think of it as degrading.
No. Crust first.   Okay
I have a legal obligation to Angela. Okay
Oh come on
Yeah sure
You ever been with the blondes before? Its the big leagues.
Shes in heat. She will eat your face off!
A single piece of pepperoni please.
What are you doing?
Uh-Oh. Okay
Try zero
Okay
Try Big Boobs with a Z.
All Right
Yes.
Ah
Every fall
Hello! Welcome to Hay Place! A place for hay.
Oh
Roll in the hay
Oh
Yes
So
Hey kids
All Right!
Oh
Wow! This brings back memories. Hay stacking
Uh
Hey
Nothing. Life Lesson? Some tasks are not worth doing.
And now
Did I truck 300 bales of hay to a parking lot to rectify some childhood disappointment? Yes.
Angela?   Angela!  sees a note on the door

Twenty minutes a day Jim
Im sorry Pam
D-E-A. Oop

Uhh

Owning a building is a war between the landlord and the tenant. Not a literal war
China is on the move?
Im sorry
Stanley
Which is you is not a sentence.
Pam
Well then youre not going to talk to the new building owner. Which is a shame
Dwight Schrute. Mhm. Tell her Im busy. I dont know
You know what Pam? Youre right. This isnt just a business. This is a home
I say we bomb em. By 2020

Or else? Or else what? Theres nothing you can do.
Waste of time.
Let me see.
You cant just move out.
In your perfect would
Yeah
You cant possibly be serious.
Parley
Pam
Why do you even need soap? Are you that bad at going to the bathroom?
You dont wanna move. Moving is one of the most stressful things you can do in life. Youll probably just take it out on your kid. Jim will turn to the drink. The family will fall apart
Here it is
Theres no building. This could only mean one thing.
She was lying. Oh
What?
Oh.
Im sorry. We have a colleague with the same name.
So
Damn it
I cant wait to do to Pam
Hey Pam.
Yknow what
Yeah
Whats the exact square footage.
How many offices are there? Oh Ill just look at the one sheet myself.
Youre a funny guy Pam. Whats the first thing you guys are gonna do when you move in to the new office? Im going to walk down the hall and say Wow
Impossible
I see Ive underestimated you
Reply it!
They say the best vampires dont bleed their victims dry
Ill tell you who. Darryl
You are?
Let me see you jump.   Oh
Oh come on.
Oh
Damn it
Look at that. Theres a pebble in there. You coulda killed me.
You apologize to me right now.
You apologize right now.
Very well
No
Pam?
Death to Toby!
Is it the middle school teacher who tried to turn her foreign exchange student into a s*x slave?
Okay.
Youve reached the voice mail of Dwight Kurt Schrute. Please leave...
Ahhhhhhh!!!! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
Ahh!
grunting
I have no feeling in my fingers or pen1s. But I think it was worth it.
dumps the remainder of the snow in his bag on Jim

Oh
Oh
Huh? You like that?
Huh?
Yes
I could not agree more. And just want to state for the record that I am intending to sue Jim for acute psychological distress.
With snowballs
Wait
I find that unlikely. You email me when you get a new zit.
Dear God in heaven.
Okay
Didnt think your affectionate nicknames would be your undoing
I do not accept your surrender. Theres only one way that I would ever relent.
You hit Pam in the face with a snowball while I watch.
Ill take that as a no.
In the end
Minutes from previous meeting of Knights of the Night. No
This meeting is for Knights of the Night only.
Knights of the Night are volunteer crime patrollers. Were often compared to the Guardian Angels
No
What are you going to do now? Are you going to make fun of our leaders weird voice? Huh?   Dwight
Fine. Minutes from previous meeting of Knights of the Night. Thats our official name
Reflective strips were glued to patrol jackets. Knights went outside with flashlights to test them.
And the rest was just  stuff.
Okay. Knights stayed outside to play flashlight tag.
It was pretty awesome.
Wow. Did your baby draw that?
Hey
Not doing that.
Ive achieved plenty and theres no better than the best.
Wait
Yeah.
Awesome.
Its that easy?
Okay
Ill take the entirety of the second floor.
Welcome.
Is that what we were doing?
Good. Real good.
Yeah
Yeah
Okay. Whatd you get?
Oh
I am not going back until I fulfill my resolution.
Come on
Well
Chicks fall down
Gentlemen.
Strip club. I was looking at the strippers at the strip club.
Yeah!
Hey.
How are the marks?
What are some of your small business ideas?
Thats great. Theres a big
Um
Uh-huh.
Wow!
Right. Okay? Great.
You promised us whales. These are worms.
Were no more a team than the people staying in the same hotel are a team.
So whats your crazy business pipe dream?
Really?
Phyllis?
Some of these people are for real.
Hey
Hey
I got it. I got it.
Youre gonna blow it.
Andy. I didnt think you had it in ya.
Problem solved everyone. Space Orphan and Princess Nincompoop are off to rescue Michael. Unbelievable. Im going. You drive
Male. Caucasian. Forties. Black hair. Facial type : marsupial.
Hey hey hey. Let me answer this. Stupid question. He went back to the office
Alright. Dont get a swelled head. Youre no tracker.   Lets ride.
Has Michael checked in?
I asked you a question.
Goodbye.
Pam
This is a man-hunt slash rescue mission.
Pam
No word from Michael.
Hey.
Theres too many brands. Wheres Holly?
Hey!
What are you doing?
Tootenbacher.
Of course. He was here. Shes the key. Amazing. Holly. Hey
Excuse me Do you speak English? We are looking for a man. Michael
Uncanny. Put a pin in that.   Which way did he go? That guy! When he leave here
Hes heading downtown.
Do you see a little clown that you want to follow
Okay
All right then. Someone propose a plan.
Not you
That is the stupidest idea Ive ever heard. No. Tap into your common mind and tell us what he would do next.
Right. I can do this on my own. I can think like Michael. All right... Im deep below the oceans surface in a submarine. A torpedos coming right at me. No. Damn it
Okay
Youre just filling that out right now. That wasnt meant for me. I will not be your Valentine.
Michael. Confession : I have done PDA in the office.
Ive had intercourse in the office.
As has Angela!
As has Ryan. As has Kelly. As has Meredith. As has Phyllis. As has Darryl. As has Creed.   As has Michael and as has Holly.
Michael
And what is the hook-up zone policy on masturbation?
Yes!
Hey. Hey. Come on. Youre hurting him.
Shh.
Just hush.
Just rock. Shh.
Movie idea?
Okay. Shh. Have you talked to her about your feelings? Women really go for that crap.
Kevin! Do more stupid faces.
I dont know.
Do the monkey face!
Good. He loves it. Good. Jump. Jump up and down.
Go back to the monkey!
Hurl your feces.
Good.
They really do that.
My perfect Valentines Day? Im at home
I play Samuel
Its Goldenface.
He cut the part where my circuit board malfunctioned! What was the point of spilling the drink on me?
No no
I have the best survival stock shelter in north eastern Pennsylvania. But everything has a shelf-life. So I must eat and replace everything thats about to expire. Its nice not to have to plan my meals.
Theyre still good for another week.
Hardy har har. Okay picture this : Snowy ash drizzles from the sky. A ravenous pack of dogs surrounds you as the flame at the end of your stick dies out. Theres only one hope left for you. The door to my shelter. You pound
No. Because you laughed at me. Kevin will be eaten! Pam will be taken slave! Jim will be made a warlords gesture. Meredith will do ok. Be assured this day will come. Its just a matter of time. Could be one month
Could be.
I can see that happening
Thats a realistic time line.
Perhaps.
I can see that as a very real possibility.
I can see that happening.
Whys he talking to Holly?
Holly
I didnt order anything.
Well theres a lot of seats in the annex.
I have been sitting here for ten years
No it is not.
I dont wanna move desks!
in the annex
What do you grow in here
Kevin
Hey Packer
Cause I wanna let bygones be bygones. Show you Im cool. Youre the new guy. Its cold out. I made too much. I got this awesome hot chocolate recipe from my wife.
Drink it!
None of your business.
It wasnt poison Jim
Really.
I know.
Pepto-Bismol
Ooh does Edgar Allan Poe know about that one? So sinister! That wouldnt annoy a person at all! Where do you come up with this stuff?
Who is Justice Beaver?
Why dont you write up your best forty ideas and e-mail them to me. Can you do that?
Yeah
to Jim
Theyre all good. So good! Number three : eat a frog. That sounds promising. Number four : eat a dog. I dont know
Eat a brog. Maybe its because I didnt understand it. I just had a couple of notes
And you make sure to get down there and check out that Harry Potter World.
Harry Potter World is supposed to be faaantastic!
Check it out and have a free butterbeer on us. Keep the receipt and well get ya back!
He took my desk.
It wasnt my first choice
No
People! Look alive. Its showtime. Doors open in 3...2...1.
Its good that its cold it will drive business inside.
The warmth will lure people inside.
This is how business...
Im not closing the door.
Stop it.
Uh oh
Not so fast.
Schrutes are farmers by hobby
I will trade you for the used candle.
Come on
Thats how its done.
Oh
People like Ryan? Let me tell you about men like him. He comes over and youre like Hey baby let me light a candle then you pull out this one half used and hes like Uh! Who else is she seeing? I better lock her down fast.
And the Jennifer Weiner collection.
What is this?
Professor Copperfields Miracle Legumes?
Thats a common swindlers trick.
So you wanna sell me magic beans.
Nice try. No. Correction. Terrible try.
You got this kosher certified?
Ryan
Oh
things are going very well. I traded a thumb tack for Merediths junk for Kellys crap for Phyllis garbage for Oscars trash for Stanleys garbage for Ryans junk for Creeds garbage for a very cute squid that Erin happened to have.
Jim
just out of curiosity
I know right...  what the?
That... thats impossible.
All right
Probably.
I started with a thumb tack and traded my way to a telescope. But in a way the most valuable thing here wasnt the telescope at all. No
Did I want to be made manager? Sure. A great opportunity squandered? Absolutely. A crushing blow? Yes. Will I get over it? No. But life goes on. Not for me.
Thanks for meeting me.
Theres no turtle
Thats because Im your right-hand man
I want to be manager. I just dont understand why I wasnt even interviewed for the job. Whats wrong? I was totally qualified
How do I become a manger at Sabre?
I left a message at corporate.
Cant you just use the recommendation you already have on file?
From when he recommended me to replace him.
Correction. Just you. Alright
Just a little announcement folks
Every day is black tie optional!
Always the padawan

Appalling.   Eye sore.   Surprisingly adequate! Okay everyone! The activities commence in four seconds!
Ladies and gentlemen
Excuse me
Big smiles folks! There they are.
We should just wait here and not get good seats in the conference room?
I thought it was the worst Dundies Ive ever been to.
Gladly! Id accept that award
I just dont see a point in the Dundies! Okay? The jokes are terrible
And next time
Michael?
Ive got a treat for you!
Colorado specialty
Thats because theyre Not oysters
What is wrong with you? Im the sick freak? After what you did? You expect to be buttled? You didnt recommend me?!
Where did you hear that? Obvious XM Radio?
Great idea.
Especially if you think that life would be better without Legs!
Black Bears can smell a salami at five miles Michael
Any kind of meat that you can possibly name!
Ive given up expecting Michael to do the right thing. Or the decent thing. Or even the comprehensible thing.
Yes.
This is gonna be good.   To whom it may concern.   Good
opening his trunk excitedly and gets out his paintball gear

Uh oh...  Jim
Oh
Its just that I own the coffee shop. So
I think youll find what youre looking for   over there.
Congratulations on your one cousin. I have seventy. Each one better than the last.
Im just not a suck-up like everyone else around here. Okay? I do my job well
What?
No youre not.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
Whats the argument here? NBA
No!
So
Really? Anything.
Deangelo
Pass. If I wanted to see a pissing contest
Okay
No
Wait
Dwight Schrute. Yes
Excellent. Morning announcements! Theres been a problem with some people sharing copier codes. Your copier code is a distinct 21-digit number that is unique to you
Thats on a need-to-know basis.
General meet-and-greet. So I expect you to be on your best behavior
Define foment.
Please take note of the new color-coding system.
Aha!
Gotcha! Why are you late?
All right. You stop me when I reach the diseased area.  Dwight points to her legs and slowly moves his finger up
Hey
You expect me to believe that youre starting a rebellion?
Okay
I will never be happier than I am right now. I will also never be less happy. I will be at my current maximum happiness for the rest of my life. Because I am manager of the Scranton Branch of Dunder Mifflin. Acting Manager.
Ah
The desk is a replica of Uday Husseins desk. I saw a picture in Newsweek. Listen
Jo is coming later today. I cannot have a subordinate trying to make me look stupid. Okay? I need you to promise me that youll be on your best behavior.
Dont make me fire you.
Dont make me pre-fire you.
Watch this. Youre pre-fired. And when Im promoted
What?
How you doing
Everyone here thinks that youre a joke. They think that you were hired because of your good looks
Now I want you to find out what people are saying about me
Yep. Yep
The holster was a gift from my great-uncle Honk. Um
The gun is just an accessory to the holster
Why do you need to keep wearing those booby shirts all the time?
Uh... hello!
Why would I put a banana in my holster?
Okay. All right. Fine. Everyone calm down. Someone get me a banana. Sorry I freaked you guys out - aah!  Dwight goes to flip the gun and it fires near Andys ear
No
Okay
Okay
enters with a cowboy hat
Really? You did? What hand was I holding the gun in? What did Andys tie look like?
I have no way of knowing if thats true.
Okay
Come on.
I just really
Because you guys are my best friends
There he is! Our hero!   You look fantastic. How you doing? Here
Did they say what caused it? Because I know you like putting Q-tips deep into your ear canal.
American Idol? What? No.
No.
Okay
I put everything back in the vending machine.
Okay.
Thank God.
Whats jazz hands?
Fine.

Hello
does jazz hands
Oscar
No
Kevin
Okay
Youre kidding me.   Oh God
Oh
I cant. I cant push harder!
Okay
Im kneading it!
Jo... I accidentally fired a gun in the office today.
I am telling you this because I care too much about this job to be blackmailed into doing it poorly. All Ive ever wanted was to be manager here. And if you feel that you cannot promote me over this one accident
It was a Beaumont-Adams
I take full responsibility.
Pam made me put a banana in my holster.
Okay. Did I make a mistake? Yes. Do I regret the decision that I made? Yes.
Got it.
Jo
Shut up.
They wont make me manager
Bread is the paper of the food industry. You write your sandwich on it.
What makes you feel qualified to judge a place after a mere interview?   What are you doing..?   Stop trying to figure me out.
You cant.
No
Stop trying to figure me out.   Do you even know anything about paper? How its made?
Get out.
Im gonna prevent inferior men from sullying my place of work with their weak
comes in
Hows the family?
Good. They good?
Whats your daughters name again? Peepee?
Peepa
Great! Oh
Now
Okay
Im going to make you an offer. Okay? You even do so little as grant me an interview
Erin will eat garbage for your entertainment.
Ha ha!
Fine. Ill do it without you
Let me get that for you.
Okay.
Jo
Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ohh
Okay.
Its complicated.
Assistant Regional Manager.
Assistant Regional Manager.
Assistant Regional Manager.
Uhh. Wait. Wait! No. Stop! Stop. Jo...   Its me. Im Dwight.
Yeah.
I would have dressed this way every day
Yes.
Silence?
Dwight Schrute.
You have to interview me...
I demand more questions!
Okay! If youre not going to interview me
What will be your first priority? I will have seven first priorities. Safety
Thank you.   Youll be hearing from us shortly
Well
What a surprise! Minorities sticking together.
Were gonna miss you
I will run this branch
No
K... Kevin!
Yeah
K
Hoist him aloft. Cmon Darryl. Lift
Say no more.
Kids
What are you looking at?
It cant be nothing.
throws hard
Phyllis! Phyllis! You okay? You okay?
... 2
Okay
Yes!
This is if we were all on a cruise ship and had to divide into lifeboats. This is if we were on a cruise ship and had to divide into life rafts. Heres something. Who would eat who in an ‘Alive situation. No... that cant be it.
Shhh
No
Thats great. Lets do this guys.
You know
Okay!
Losers.
Cmon.
Cmon
Cmon.
Ha ha
Oh
Jim
Good night.
This week we are rolling out the brand new Sabre tablet....the Pyramid.
So
Oh no no no. Without the battery pack and optional memory booster
Fifty L.
Youre really going to want the booster.
Thank you.
Is this really the best use of our collective time?
OK
Heres how Im going to help out from now on. Im going to not care
Your friend Neil Patrick Harris really made me laugh the other night.
We could talk about how fast children grow up
Let me guess
Is this about the profits? Because if it is I just dont see the point. Its so Wall Street.
Right?
Good. Really really good.
Oh
I dont know
You wanted the job
Yeah!
Obviously you can go the ass tattoo route and obviously
DRAW SOME BLOOD!
....back orders and you never called them.
OK
There you go! Here doggy! Hes not even trying. Come here doggy
Whoa
Nein. Sits.   Goot.
Yeah
Bye poochie!
Before taxes.
I know what youd do with all that money.   Hey Pam
I think well be fine.
Hey...OK no. No. That. You are so not...oh god.   False. Andy
Negative! Three hundred boxes for me
Yup.
Whats the problem? Grunting is scientifically proven to add more power. Ask any female tennis player. Or her husband.
Well
No
Like baboons or elephants.
Kevin! Doesnt apply.
Hey
Message in a Bottle
Kevin Costner.
Its not the greatest one either...
And its clear were not going to carry them.
Exactly.
Yep. Hell be fine.
Uh
OK
I dont know.
OK. You know what? Its been a real busy day
Its uh
Get the thing
Whats going on?
Oh
No. No. No! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!   No
Schrute Farms is very easy to find
Its simpler this way.
And please refer to the map
They dont warn you when the cameras are driving by.
Theres so much more to it than that.
Ive been wanting Schrute Farms to break into the high-end event hosting industry for some time
MR. RYAN HOWARD!
STANLEY HUDSON AND HIS MISTRESS CYNTHIA! JAMES
MR. AND MRS. WALTER AND ELLEN BERNARD!
Set that down.   Present yourself.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
Ladies and gentlemen! The last supper.
My first love is beet farming
Oh really? Well
I can get you exotic meats – hippo steaks
Itll all be goat.
Who cares.
MR. JAMES HALPERT!
Stop forgetting things.
MR. JAMES HALPERT!
What? Idiot.
MIS... MI... What are you doing?
Thats a stupid question
Its called a costume.
Ryan
Has no one here heard of Kerrigan
Yeah
Im a Jamaican zombie woman
Damnit. I AM Kerrigan from Starcraft! Ive been censored.
Kerrigan is ruler of the Zerg swarm!
Yeah
Its a root you idiot.
Thats really rude. I dont tell you hurricanes suck even though its true.
Try influenza.
Open up a newspaper. Oh look a hurricanes coming. I suppose youre going to tell me the scariest animal is a shark?
Yeah Im serious.
Loser.
Go
You wanna attack or let them come to us? Your call
Nice.
Got em. Go!
Sorry
Wha...Yes. Your attention. Uh because... No that is all.
Last night I dreamed that the number two was the most valued number in the world. The vice president had all the power. Athletes fought for silver medals. Women were considered the best gender. And stadiums of fans shouted Were number two!. As with all my dreams
I may have a little solution to our mistakes problem. This is a project Ive been working on for quite some time and today
Allow me. Youre going to love this.   Ugh...shouldve used a shorter string. Never mind
Have I not been worthy of your trust? Have I not been a reliable number two?
Well
I will do my voodoo.
The accountability booster. It registers every time a mistake has been made in the office. From a late delivery to an accounting error. Five strikes in a day equals a home run. One home run and youre out.
Or in this case an email gets sent to Robert California containing the consultants report from last year. Remember the one that recommended the branch be shutdown? And as a fail-safe also every negative email youve ever written about him to the group will also be forwarded to him.
Roberts favorite songs: Creep by TLC
P.S. We should should kill him.
No
Jim
Smile...nod. Smile and nod.
They are making me out to be a Bond villian. I like to think of myself as a brilliant scientist who will stop at nothing to remake the world. Like...not Doctor Moreau someone good. Doctor Frankenstein
But the device will change that. Without a safety net
Oh
Its not a doomsday device
Well
No questions.
Accountability booster.
I havent even considered it. Thats how sure I am that this accountability booster is going to work.
How about Scrantonstrangler666.
No. Oh shoot. Ha ha ha...You guys are never gonna shut down the machine
Really?
It goes out automatically at five P.M.
Well
No.
You dont deserve to have this branch. Five mistakes in less than a day.
No you didnt
Hey
Ha. Ok
What?
Good luck finding a new job idiots. Ill make sure to write you a glowing reference. Glowingly negative.
Oh. Come to reason with me?
Get lost.
What does it look like Im doing? Digging a grave for a horse.
If you hit another horse
In. Im hungry.
Okay. Take off your shoes. Except you Kevin
This is the new addition
Did you just have a stroke
I hadnt heard that before
Any specific animal?
Dont say cow- Ugh.
Sive drafely.  Pam points back at him
Theyre not my favorite people in the world. I wouldnt even call them friends. They come over here
Andy Im really sorry about your mother. My deepest condolences.
Oh we know.
Ok ok ok no no no. This is disgusting. You realize what youre saying? The hottest thing ever would be a 66 year old pregnant woman.
No! There are universal biological standards of beauty and attraction. And you are purposefully celebrating the opposite of them to mollycoddle a pregnant woman.
Yes you are. And another thing. Helen Mirren was born Helen Mironov. Thats right. Youre fake salivating over a Soviet era Russian.
Thats just absurd.
Her breasts are large
Why would I or anyone else think that youre hot right now? I cant impregnate you
Meh... you were at your most attractive when you were 24 with a slight
You think Jims lying?   Thats so cute. I know hes lying.
Done.   I never touch a pregnant woman.
If were going to work together
Rule one: our only loyalty is to the truth.
Rule two: we stop at nothing.
Rule three: Dont fall in love.
Were gonna bust this guy.
So important. And then we will destroy the man himself.
None taken. What do you got?
I dont see whats so ugly about him. Hes got the broad face of a brewer.
Hmm?
Just ugly enough to have deniability.
Well
The male reveals attraction through unconscious and involuntary physical signs. The puffing of the chest
With the crotch.
Psst. Were not here.
Exactly.
Okay
I cant tell. Its unnaturally sunken.   Busted. He just was mirroring. Did you see that?
Jim has no discernible sense of humor
Time for me to find out.
Just going to walk over here-   whoa
Im fine
Yes?   Wha- Jim.
Aw
Im sorry
Does your husband have very soft erections? Because if not
She called it crazy? Aw
And she called it nuts?
Come on.
Stop shoving me. Stop grabbing my pen1s. Grow up. Take off your jacket and take a seat. When it lies
Why dont you go check out the sympathy cards
We have to start with a baseline question to establish what the truth is.
Well
Jim
Okay
Do you really
Do you find Cathy Simms attractive?
Yep
I would listen to my homemade test
Look at the numbers. Every single time
Oh
Its important to go every month and get your prostate checked. You can do it at home by yourself with your finger. You just stick it-
Its not really your choice
Doesnt it worry you in the slightest that Jim is not his real name?
But... hey
Gettysburg? Hmm. Could be interesting. Second-most northern battle in the Civil War.
Ha!
The Civil War history industry has conveniently forgotten about the battle of Schrute Farms.   Whatever. Im over it. Its just grossly irresponsible.
Guess Im a sucker for historical fiction.
Total deaths belongs to Gettysburg but when youre talking about D.P.A.
...nothing beats the battle of Schrute Farms.
Oh
The truth.
No
Yes
Okay
Gettysburg was very important. Credit where credit is due
Not by a long shot!
No
No
Sure! I will cede it was the second-most northernmost battle!
Was it the northernmost? No. Get out of here
Excuse me
Can you tell us about the battle of Schrute Farms?
Really. Okay
You said you werent going to look back.
Really?
Well. Anyone employed by the Gettysburg Industrial Complex is certainly going to want to keep quiet about the Battle of Schrute Farms.
YES! Ha! Prepare to be refuted! Go on.
Hallowed ground.
Ive seen enough.
Oh
Standing is proven to be healthier
Every second you sit there is an hour off your life. Look at all of you. I feel like youre in a suicide cult.
Oh yeah?
Thats right Jim.
Hey.
No. Putting a load on more like it.
Last thing I need is luck.
Thank you so much.
What are you doing? Give that back. Come on!
Oh thats real creative.
I could
Standing.
Dont!
Standing.
I know.  Jim pushes him over
Knock
Remember how you said that you were looking in the office to do calisthenics and aerobics?
Well todays your lucky day. I have opened in this very office building Dwight Schrutes Gym for Muscles. You wanna take a look?
Your path from obesity begins right here!
Obese people in my office are a drain on resources. Chairs wear out faster
Maybe you do. Hi. Im Dwight. Sales is really not so hard ok? Its paper. We have it and they want it so bad they are willing to pay for it.
Its the second easiest job in the world.   Being a mom.
That is true.
Thats me.
Maybe over a beer after shes closed her first sale  .
Ready? What do you think?
You havent even looked around yet. Look. Gravel bucket squat yoke  squats
Darryl...
Attention! I am now accepting memberships for Dwight Schrutes Gym for Muscles. The first 20 members can take advantage of the pay what you weigh promotion.
Kelly?
Thats okay. I know how to build a business. You gotta get the black people to do it to get the white people to do it. Then you gotta get the black people to stop doing it. One step at a time.
What do you think youre doing?
I build you this temple to the human body
I was watching you. You want to know how long it really was?
Eight minutes!
Is that the same philosophy you apply to buffalo wings?   I want you to bring that same buffalo wing passion to this gym! Im gonna make you look like Lebron James!
Thats what I said.
I know.
This is my gym
First thing
Really? Too embarrassing for you? Huh? You wish that every exercise was strutting around the gym like the Fonz? Well how do you think the Fonz got so cool? He stretched his pelvic bowl!
Youre nothing! Youre so weak
Okay
All right
No! Because if that was the case
What do you want!?!
Val Kilmer? I dont buy it. That doesnt make any sense. Wow... I figured out your goal. I am going to make you the buffest dude Val Kilmer has ever seen.
What about my wish that we dont have to attend meetings that degrade our sense of adulthood?
Where? Dark side or light side?
Is it by the Sea of Tranquility?
Thank you
Fine with me. Jim can leave anytime he wants. Goodbye.
I just wanna say
What is it?
No
Boom!
Ah! Ive been attacked! Oh my god! Oh! Someone put a porcupine in my drawer!
Yeah
Or who in this office knows that I have access and is trying to set me up?
Hello? Lacerated hand here folks.
Oh is it really? Two separate times you have set me up to believe I was being recruited by the CIA.
You see?
Might wanna run that by Angela cause its so cute.
Come down right away!
Yes
Henrietta.
Enough of this garbage.   This is Christmas.   Hi-yah!!!!!  gabe
laughs while spray painting Jim is Awesome on his own car
yawns
Took a little nap right next to Jims desk. I feel so good right now. Mmm
Knew it! I knew it! Soon as I heard that wrapper.
You need to stop banging your pen on your desk or its going to drive me insane.
Animals
Dwight Schrute for Robert California!
Im not here to be given anything. Im here to take what is mine.
Gabe? You dont know?
Hmm. Impressive office you have here. Surrounded by shrubbery
Robert.
Yes.
Very good.
Gabe
Meat grinder.
You know
But I can give you this pitch in one minute-
Still an important position. Still a chief.
Theres no fires within eight miles of here.
What? No
So its a very simple argument of why I should be put in charge of southeast printer sales. Nobody has sold more printers in the northeast than me. Bottom line
Oh my God.
Most of all
Whats with the smile?
And my character is one that will never give up until greatness is on the horizon
Take me to Robert.
Take me to his house.
You know where it is. Lead me there.
Listen
Which one is it?
Robert! Robert California! Robert!
No thank you.
Let me tell you why I should be the next manager with a riddle: A manager
Yes
N... its complicated.
Its a job interview
Yes.
Oh
Jim
Ugh.
Aw
Really Jim? Really? Very funny.
Thirty-two meatballs.
That idiots been feeding us for a week.
Big. Stupid. Pure chump bait.
What-
Im relaxing. Scram.
Oh really?
Yeah
You regret attacking me now
Im not going to help you. Why would you choose me? Because Im mighty? Because Im the manliest man in the office? Ill do it.
You stop.
No
Okay
No
Ah
Damn it.
We can get some chicken fights going in the pool.
Chicken fight!
Hey
Yeah- oh!
Woohoo! Yes!
I know. I could just bang you right now.
Maybe we should take a little break.
Okay.
Go!
Erin
Youre lying. We didnt win.
Ugh. Same old party
I know.   But boy
So I just want to make sure that you are completely
Not what I asked.
So then you wont mind if tonight I just go crazy on her
Youre an idiot.
Cant believe they let someone like you serve on a jury. Makes me question the whole judicial system.
Of course you found him not guilty.   Oh
Not coming
I was in Los Angeles last year. Jim tricked me into thinking Id won a walk-on part on NCIS
So this whole hit and run thing
And the victim rode his bicycle into the left hand turn lane but the perp was already in the left-hand turn lane?
See
Yes! Andy
I am making a citizens arrest. You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to beg for mercy. You have the right to request judgment by combat. Dwights rights.
Jim was lying about jury duty. He was lying the whole time so he could go do yoga or go canoeing. I dont know what this pervert likes. Fire him!
I have Jim on the record saying that the vic-
I dont- I dont need to take a chill pill.
I really dont want to take the chill pill.
Okay
Thats good enough for me.
Okay
Okay- oh
No
He says
Okay
Great. And while were enjoying these delicious empanadas
Walk us through it. What time would you get there every morning?
Wait
Youre screwed! Oh
Your clients. Theyre all mine.
All right
No
Thats it? This is crap!
Gabe
Im gonna find Gabe
Oh
Okay.
Psh! Why? I know what Angela and the senator look like. I can mash that up in my head right now.
So dont.
What?
How long before?
Yes I did.
I want to see the baby.
Oh
That baby is a Schrute. And unless somebody taught Mose s*x
Angela
Need I remind you that we were together a month before the wedding?
Completely true. Remember? Angela. No.
You said that Robert was not fulfilling you-
-and I said
And then I inserted my penis-
Into your-
v*g1n* and-
Admit that there is a chance.
Admit it. Admit it.
Yeah.
Before I go
Nurse
I just might be his father.
Oh
Oh
Jim? Oh
What are you doing here? You just had our baby. Our collective Dunder Mifflin...family baby. Four days ago.
What?
You cant tantalize me.
OK.
If you make me head of sales one more time
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes
The Shrutes have a word for when everything comes together in a mans life perfectly: Perfectinschlag. Hmm. Right now
Pam
Mm hm.
Eh! No plus ones. This is for competent workers only. And dont worry about the cost
God
My first task as special project manager Dwight Shrute? Assembling a crack team. I need people who are loyal. People wholl help me get an inroad with the gay Hispanic community. People who wont be missed. We dont need idiots
Kathy.
Yes.
Oh my god.
Are you kidding me?! Im supposed to get in an airplane with those nincompoops? Wed never get off the runway.
Oh god.
Kevin!? Kelly!? Kathy!? Andy just gave me a chain with three weak links. Have you ever tried to use a chain with three weak links? I have. And now I no longer own an arctic wolf.
May I have your attention please? Could Kathy
Oh
Oh
I can understand your pain and your rage
I know
Good point. But were gonna be working pretty hard until five PM. After that its gonna be beach volleyball
It might be innate goodness versus innate badness? But theres an easy way to find out.   Oh Andy
Uh
Hey. Be proud of your enormous monster baby. I was once an enormous monster baby.
OK hey. I specifically remember there were a lot of other people I thought should be considered.
Great idea! So why doesnt everyone just take the next five to six hours
Three to four hours.
Two to three hours...
Come up with a statement in the next hour....
I have already picked my team: Darryl
Mm-hm. Powerpoints are the peacocks of the business world. All show
Ok. Thank you Kevin
Wow. Seasonal effective disorder
Maybe its what she does here...
You know I dont think its a good idea for you to clear your head any more than it has been already. I think you need a workplace where the burdens of everyday life keep you tethered to reality.
Well
I wouldnt say that...its a bit much.
Jim is essential to th-
Andy
This is stupid! Cut.
He doesnt even want to go.
Oh my god.
What?
No.
No!
(Bleep)
Youve gotta be (bleep)-ing kidding me. Ok. Ok
Lets go
Hot? What are you talking about? This is a nice temperate Florida morning. Eighty-five degrees
But? Theres not buts. Thats it. Youll wish you were dead. You seem a little disturbed
Cause if any of you would prefer to stay here
SHUT UP MAGGOT! YOU DONT WANT TO GO
How many of you have seen the documentary Deliverance?
I released three hundred mosquitoes in the conference room
Yes
Orientation is over.
Ok
So Sabre has set up a conference room for our use while were at corporate.
Basically Sabre has tasked us with helping them branch into the retail marketplace. They want to set up their own version of an Apple store.
It did
Oh
No. We sell business tools and the stores need to reflect that. They need to be all business. Let all the other stores look like a toy store.
Yes. What are my expectations for the group?
I have been given the responsibility to manage Stanley
Today is the first day of Sabres new project to develop a chain of retail stores. I am meeting my new boss
Wake up!
Hey
Stanley! Wake up! Youve got to wake up
Good morning.
Heeeeres Dwi- what the-?   Oh man.
Looks like Jim got mixed up with some bad apples.   Oh no
Attention
I need to make Nellie see me as a leader today. First impressions get locked in forever. When I first met Pam
Ill have a bottle of the antacid. Also
Power.
Okay
Im fine
Very funny
Im gonna set your face on fire.
Packer.
Uh.
You didnt poison me
What is the antidote?
Ill do it! I always say
Mmm!  screams
Yes
Yeah
Send it to the frickin moon
You talking about hunting? I love hunting. Im a master hunter.
Im a decent baiter. My cousin Mose
Why is everyone else standing up? Okay team
Ill be on top. Its the most important position.
Ahh!
Everyone stop moving! Everyone stop wiggling! Oh
Stop moving!
Oh!
Arrest Jim. He poisoned me.
Dont remember me like this. Remember me as the man who pulled down the screen.
Phillip
I just got out of surgery. Whats going on? Fill me in.
Whos doing the presentations?
Damn it!
Yeah Todd
Im great. How are you?
Whats our presentation about?
I got the surgery
No
I want that vice-presidency.
Youre too slow
All right
What is our topic? Oh
Really? Okay. Retail consumer habits is...   The only thing you need to know about retail consumer habits is that consumers are mindless lemmings. They just want to be told what to do.   Fast forward to today
Shopping habits are both seasonal and cyclical. What does this mean?
No
Andersons three pillars of retail. Crucial. So important. Next. Are there any questions?
Ingredients.
Burgers.
Killing royalty. The truth be told
Thank you very much. Any other questions? Jim?
Oops. Thats embarrassing. Egg on my face.   Ah.
Amazing. Just lost four ounces of appendix
Oh God.
Youre not paying me to heal
Thats right.
Ah! Not so fast.
Ill go ahead and cancel my post-op check-up right now.
I had two goals today. The first was to make myself the clear candidate for vice president. I achieved that
Pretty good.
Thats not what I was going to ask. Gosh
Can we at least eliminate those that are not in the running? Free them up to focus more completely on the menial. Like stacking or sorting
Thats a hobby
Waste of time.
Thats just a verb.
Yes
English peoples main use today is judging American talent.   Youre crap. Youre wonderful.   Theyre mean
Genghis Khan could take em both down cause hes not afraid to kill children ... What? its true. He- He would- he would eviscerate babies and hang them from poles outside of the villages. (Jim taps Dwight on the shoulder)
Thats a stupid game. I got a great drinking game. Okay
Oh
(takes out bag) 40. Always.
Sure. (Hands bag to Cathy)
No
Aah!
Hey. I see what youre doing. Its futile. the VP position is mine.
Well
If anyones having s*x with Nellie for personal gain
Seagull.
Oh please
You wanna see a picture of me trapped under a tree?   ...ahhmmm... excuse me... What?! Not now
Wait wait wait wait
I gotta be gone for a few minutes. You make sure that Packer does NOT sleep with Nellie.
You really want Packer as your boss?
If Jim has bedbugs
Where did you see it?
We gotta find it before it eggs.
Describe it.
Could be a bat weevil... Describe its mood. Did it seen sleepy?
Fair enough
Pshh. Thats a bedbug.
Everythings a joke.
Check your hair!
God
You are clean. Okay... One thing a bedbug thrives on is heat and carbon dioxide   I am going to generate myself into a human trap.   When I jump into the bed
Yeah.   Cover me!
Let the bedbugs bite!
We wait.   Come to papa.
Nope
Oh
If there were any in here
No
No
Such a chorus girl.
Euughh... Pathetic
Okay... Seven
No
Try again... Ugh
Wait
oh...
There you go.
Seven minutes.  ... Nellie
Win at all costs
Wheres the bug?
Stand back!
Its a compound of chemicals I pulled off the maids cart!
I think I saw it!
You cant stay here
Second best Bananas Foster Ive ever had.
Dont let-shh!
Today is the test launch day for the inaugural Sabre store. Brr brr brr BRR   and I
Yes.
Yes. Yes.
We went over this
Loam
Okay. Nellie
Today is press day and press is gonna make or break this store. And for a tech company
Okay.
Cathy
Packer
Perfect casting
Speaking of pimples
Open the gates! Theres plenty for everyone. No need to panic. Theres plenty for everyone!
Theres plenty. Dont stampede. No need to stampede
Okay
Oh
Are you trying to sabotage this entire event?
You could have pretended to be Chuck. I begged you to pretend to be Chuck
Point it towards the store
You know what I mean? One of these buttons is -- damn it. Take over.
Oh hey
Cathy
But you still work for Wired
Good! Okay. Flirt away.
Okay. I know
You just need to realize that so much rides on this. You have no idea.
Im trying to make him feel important.
Um...   Oh
Whats a book?
Jim
Why are you just standing there? Go to a nearby store and get him a yellow or green sports drink!
Have you seen Erin?
Oh God...  Hey no! Where do you think youre going? Youve gotta stay for the big presentation weve got this young wiz kid -- Ryan. Hes like an even more handsome Bill Gates.
Its moments away. Just stay here!
How long has he been in the bathroom?
Jeez! Whats he doing in there?
Are there any bloggers around?
I had to send him home. As brilliant and creative as he is
Thats right. Will you just give us a second?
Jim --
Look at me. Look at me! Look... at... this... face. This is not the face of a performer. This is the face of a scary apparition you see before you die. Im telling you... if you dont do this
Oh
Of course theres a costume!    Oh
Did you pass out in there? What is taking so long?
Hurry up. Let me in. I wanna watch you get dressed. Did you find the eyeliner?
You are wearing eyeliner
Its true.
Yep.
Psst.
Okay
Ha
Okay! Come on!
Hah! Yah!   Boom!
A dart? Are you kidding me? Who would put a poison dart
Well
Ah!
You think youre excited? You should feel my nipples.
Oh my gosh
Dont even care!
Well
Robert
Robert! Im gonna win
The math is simple folks. Deeper market penetration
I told you.
You know what? That is a great idea. Cathy
What are you doing here? I thought I got rid of you?
What
You want to do something for my own good? Turn around
Silence.
I know what youre trying to do
Different guy.
That you look like the worlds tallest hobbit.
Showtime.
You again? Gosh
Yes
Jim
Uh-huh.
Wait.   Hes gonna kill the store? And hes gonna fire me?
Thats two things.
Nice try
You know what? You might want to get to the airport. Its gonna take you a long time to get through security with all those beauty products. Bye.
Nothing is gonna stop me. That is the mark of a great man. Unstoppability. Dunder-Mifflin
Help! Help!
AlI had to do was think about pie and my salivary glands did the rest.
Ah!
Oh
My wound hasnt healed yet.
Oh
Rrrah!
Huh
I was trying to go-
Ok
Then you know what? Im just gonna have to run right through you.
Jackie Chan!
This. Ends. Now.
Rrahh!
Anything else you need to talk about?
Once again
My warcraft clan was still on speaking terms.
Well this has been fun
Right here.
What?
How could Robert transfer Nellie here after the Sabre store debacle? She stinks of failure. The fact that she could show her face around here is an embarrassment. I should know. Im in an identical situation.
I wouldnt let her manage a celery farm.
Those who cant farm
I refuse to be judged by someone that I do not respect. I lost respect for you in Florida. If it was up to me
What?
Theres no limit to what I think I deserve.
Five percent. No less.
Six percent
Money isnt real ever since we got off the gold standard.
No
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes. Yes
Darryl grabbing him by his hair
Well fought. I accept the outcome.
Neither of those looks like any person that has ever existed or been dreamt of in the history of human insanity. That said
Yep.
Yes!
Okay
Why Jim?
Ugh! Ow.
Dont listen to Jim. Have you ever seen him play Tetris? Oh
I will get the chair in. Watch the Great Schrutini work his magic.
Haulin cube!
I wonder if king-sized sheets are called presidential-sized in England. I really should have a Tweeter account.
Ooh.
I have to see these shoes.
Oh!
Heres the two of them taking a hike. Im guessing hes some kind of friend.
Heres the two of them kissing at a beach and kissing at the Eiffel Tower. Im guessing hes some kind of close romantic friend.
You read my mind.
Hmm. Maybe someone threw a pie in his face. New theory- hes a hated Italian politician.
Why not call...
Thats awful. What kind of restaurant.
If it would help you to forget
Okay scram
You heard me!
Nellie let me bobble-ize him. His name is now Captain Mutato.
Ive written quite a bit of X-Men fan fiction. Captain Mutato is half man
Yes?
How?
Erin
Okay?
Washington Monument.
Eiffel Tower.
One of Tobys eyes is getting smaller. So theres that. Gabe bragged about having an extra ticket to the air show this weekend and Meredith said she was interested and then Gabe said immediately that his friend might be taking the ticket. So Ill keep you posted on that.
Every day I brief Nellie on whats going on in the office. Most of its irrelevant. But a good informer doesnt judge whats worth passing on.
Oh
Erin made it clear to me that he was unable to perform sexually last night. By contrast
Its not just a human problem. Flounders frequently experience impotence
No
Yeah Jim.
You know
You dont like the Beatles?
Eleanor Rigby? Paperback writer?
I dont want to alarm people
There is a disgruntled ex-employee sitting in his car in the parking lot.
Thats how workplace tragedies always begin. A middle aged white male hanging out. Call the cops!
I dont even know what kind of weapon he has. Could be a knife
Wait
You guess the price
How much do you guys charge for a one full year gym membership? Thank you!
Its $475! Like candy from a baby!
Yes! Thank you!
Oh yes! Yeah!
Oh
Thank you very much! All I had to do was look at the prices
Thank you. Wow
Protein powder
Oh
Oh
Feast on this
Oh
Very funny Jim.
I dont need your help.
Here
Good
Thanks so much Earl.
And they said it couldnt be done. Boom!
Yeah
No
And you are...
Lloyd Gross is a fictional salesman we invented to – how do I put this – steal from the company. Embezzle. To commit fraud.
Yes.
There he is. Thats Lloyd.
Thats true.
Wait
Chair
Okay
Dont listen to him.
Nope.
Prestige is ours. Okay
Make a decision.
Jim
Damn it!
Wha – what is this supposed to be?
Jim
What?
Its him! Do something! Get out!
Go slash his tires! Go dent his hood.   Thats it? Oh
Come on
Yeah.
Hit the nos.
Yes.
Got it. Go.
Ready? Go! Go
Ahhh!
Yeah.  Doors about to close
Go
Just run! Take the stairs!
Ill stall him. Go!
Im gonna activate the seismic failsafe. Well be stuck between floors for hours.   Oh.   My pants fell down.
My pants fell down! I dont have a belt!
Hello
Well –
I was here first.
I already made an appointment... with your secretary.
Wait
Me too. Or do you also have a monopoly on thirst?
No. Let him get his own. Its Syracuse money.
Jim couldnt land me in a thousand years.
Shut up.
What?
How have we never talked about this before? Wait. You dont even care about nationals.
Hes searching out younger gays.
...with you.
You okay
Put some ice on it.
I wanted to give a nice gift to the tenants in the building. At first I thought
...their own children.
Hey everybody
Jim
Wha-?   Damn it
Great
Up here.
Jim
Thats it.
Cute kids
Well
Nice to see you. May I hold him?
Okay
Really?
Okay
Okay
He defecated
Is this what you were looking for? Huh? Huh?
Operation Phoenix is a go. Just get the car ready.
Hello.
Theyre testing it now.
Seventy-two hours.
Yes.
How was my summer? It was pretty mixed. I invented a new power drink made out of beet runoff. Mmm
I dont see it.
Yes
In a way its like I have a son. And who knows? Maybe someday theyll hire someone who looks like a younger version of him. And then Ill have a grandson.
Good boy
Ah
Well
Just how this going to be
So what kind of farming you into
Spoken like a true root man.
My calls?
You want a list of my clients? You want my leads?
Ok
With my leads and stuff like that?
Cause youre interested in going into sales?
Wow
Youre not getting my clients! Nice try.
Paranoid? Im not familiar with the word. And I really dont have time to learn new words right now
Jim
The new guys. Dwight Jr is after my job. Yeah. There is a shark hiding inside that adorable little cherub.
Wait
The new guys called a sales meeting?
Theres no belt above black. Is there a belt above black?
Boo
Ok
Thats not true. Just give me another chance.
What?
This is a stupid activity. I would be embarrassed to be good at it.   Idiots.
Slack lining
Pam? Hey come up here
Come here
Do you see how the trapeze completely surrounds the wire? That means its literally impossible for anyone to fall off. So you will merely sit below and be my counterweight as I pedal across the parking lot to that telephone pole.
You will. Yeah we weigh about the same
So youll do it?
Come on
Come on.
No
Please? Please
I cant use Phyllis. Are you kidding me? The moment she steps off this bar Ill be launched into space. God
Ok.  Oh
Attention
Woo!  starts pedaling out until trapeze bike flips over
I will not be participating as there is no evidence that charity works.
No thank you.
Fine
Which was recently discovered to be a front for the Taliban.
Yeah. The Taliban in Afa-ghanistan.
Well
Anything else would be inconsistent.
Absolutely
I feared Nellie had some sort of a plan but she used a ridiculous font. Huh.   You dont have a plan.
What the?
Gimme that.
Youre insane.
Oh
This cleaver appears to need sharpening. I suggest you spend some quality time together just you and your hand. Tie a shoe
Sounds like a plan.
This is it. Any questions?
No. Its gonna be over before you know it.
Heh! Ha!    Darryl enters
Ha!   This is for real this time.
No
No.
Oh god.
Yeah.
Yes.
If you like James Franco
Whoopty doo. That doesnt make you a genius.
Yeah
No
Youre the stupid one.
Youre the stupid one.
You
Who are you?
Youre not Jim. Jims not Asian
Alright then Jim. Ahhh
How did you know? No! No
You dont work here! Youre not Jim!
I dont know who you are
Oh my—! Oh d—! Oh
Ah
You wanna learn a really impressive second language? Try dothraki. Win over any man in my guild.
Dothraki is the native tongue of the nomadic war-mongering horse lords of Essos as featured in the superb Home Box Office series
I could teach you if you want. Its a lot easier than French.
Atherozar!
It means excellent. And we have begun.
I throat-rip.
You throat-rip.
He/she/it throat rips.
More of a
Louder! Youre shouting it from the back of a horse!
Daraas!
Daraas!   Does anyone here have fermented mares milk?
People laughed at Klingon at first
Was a member of the Bund. Which is not technically the same thing as the Nazi party. So...
Oh. I was joking about that whole Bund thing. Oh ho
Yeah
Fail!
Oh
Nothing! Nothing is going on. Keep moving please.
OK
OK
Oh
Statistical correlations exist between EMF radiation and various health hazards. But mainstream studies are inconclusive! That means you cant make me do squat.
You people dont realize what youre asking. Id have to rip open the walls. Wed have to shut this place down for a week.
What? Come on.
I know what Jim is trying to do. Hes trying to get big bad Dwight to shell out for a huge repair job while lucky Jimbo gets a paid vacation. Well sorry
Had em all my life.
No nobbies
Yeah right.
Psh. Keep your snacks on your side
Some of these kernels have crowned.
Andy!
So
In my contract
Bring it in!
Roll into the future with Work Bus. Say goodbye to wasteful buildings. These days a mobile office isnt just for hotshot politicians. Now anyone can rent a work bus.   If youve got a parking lot
What can I say? I love justice. You forced me to spend money on needless repairs
Its not my responsibility to solve your marriage problems by spending my money on gas.
No. No! This is a work bus. The wheels are for transporting the work space to and from the work site.
Get your foot behind the yellow line.
Im sorry to spoil Jims fantastic voyage everyone
That name brand place? Nope forget about it
Stop ordering me around
OK
Im barren
My trouser hives are void of honey. I had congress with Angela and the child that she bore did not issue from my loins. I thought I would be a father and instead I am a eunuch. Neutered by my own building.
You mean you flooded my building with dangerous electromagnetic radiation as a prank?
Thats genius. Thats the best prank youve ever done.
Really? How long did it take you and Pam to conceive?
What position did you use to conceive?
Regular? Or lady on her back? You used lady on her back
You know theres a phrase about that in German. Bildenkinder. Used almost exclusively by childless landlords to console themselves. But now? I really understand it.
Bildenkinder.
When you dont get out of the way! Out of the way!
Oh
Everybody! Hang on!
This year I decided to really get into the spirit of Halloween.
It may have been the costliest decision Ive ever made.
My greased up head went into the pumpkin no problem
I cant get it out. Try again!
I mean
Jim
But as Jim and I discovered... No! ... any blow to the pumpkin itself could prove fatal to me.
At first I drove myself crazy thinking about the things I should have done differently. I never should have played that joke on Erin. I never should have hollowed out this damn pumpkin in the first place. Then I realized that I was being silly. I mean the pumpkin should rot off of my head in a month or two. Right?
What lab did these little clones escape from?
Jim. Look Im eating you.
Ha ha. Hey Erin
Must eat more Jims. Oink oink oink oink.
Oh no
Hello little pill. What do you do?
Dumatril is licensed to treat anxiety symptoms
Dumatril!
Dumatril.
This is a pill that I found here in the office. But its not for worms or eczema like any normal pill. Its not for any disorder of the body.   Its for a disorder of the mind.
Okay
Why are you trying so hard to bury this thing
Ill get my apprehension kit.
Hi Daryl. Im just here to smear some peanut butter on my forehead.
That makes sense to you
So this makes sense then. Or is it crazy?
Is that where the nanobots like to come in?
Is that how they like to get in?
I dont know. I just dont know.
Hey.
All right. All right
You think I dont have anxiety? I have anxiety all the time. Every waking moment of my life is sheer torture. I have land disputes Ive got to settle and idiot cousins to protect. And neer- do- well siblings to take care of. But I dont need some stupid pill to get me through all this.
Ah ha! Ha!!! The jig is up
Gotcha! Yeah! Lets see ya get out of this web
What?
Oh.
I agree. Yes
I want some of those pills.
Oh
Which one? Mose or the real Mose?
He says Thank you.
I do! I do. I do. I do. I do.
The media can make you famous. And do you have any idea how easy it is to sell something when youre famous?   Uh
blah blah blah
...In a bitter battle..Hey
Tricky siskel spat a bit of wicked biscuit....
Vroom! Dunder Mifflin. Dunder Mifflin. Good. Sounds-  phone rings in break room
Iris
Iris
Entirely is the perfect way to describe it
Yes..?
Now then
Thats impossible.
OK
This is gotcha journalism. You know what? Theyre not gonna gotch me.
This is slander
Thank you Sandra!
Do not listen to her! This employee is obviously disgruntled!
Get out of here moron!
uhhhh....no one.
No

Thats what Im saying! No of course not!
My resignation? What are you talking about? No! I was just following orders! Listen
Please sir! Spare him. Please.
Ok
David
Oh
Oh
Youre welcome
Walk out of the house...
...with your hands on top of your head
enters main office
Shrute! Shrute!
Overall
Dwight Schrute.   Well
And you didnt call Jim - that seems significant.
No
Okay
The White Pages.
The White Pages: Do you want it? No. Do you use it? No. Does it inexplicably show up on your doorstep three times a year? Yes
Im gonna need to put you on hold for a second.   Hah! Yah! Woooo! Eat it Jim! Eat it Phyllis! Eat... wheres Stanley?
Will you run into the bathroom and tell him to eat it?
Yeah! Okay.   Hey David
So uh
Her name?
Shhh!   Thanks David! Thank you so much for calling me!
Good luck to you.
That is a damnable lie. I love women.
‘Gy-na said that?
Okay. With pleasure. Get ready to learn a few new tricks
Hello.
May I please speak to your boss?
Okay

I never sit down during sales meetings. I want to appear aggressive and imposing. I am going to sell to you in twelve minutes
I will tell her what her needs are and then fill them. So this is going to work out best for you if you just relax and do nothing. And once Im finished
I thought it went great.
Yes.
Thats impossible. Listening happens in the ear and in the brain. I mean
What are you doing?
Kind of.
I am a person.
Thats a bit extreme.
Okay
Hello.
Thank you. Im so proud of them. I carried each one of them for nine months inside of my torso and then pushed them out of my v*g1n*.
Look
I had a barber once who used to comb my hair gently.
Okay
He used to fight dogs.
Little of this
Just a little off the top and then a nice combing. Yeah
Oh
Hey. Your daughter could be a bubble bath model. I could just bite her head off.
Listening.
Sorry.
Okay.
Yes
Jan... You thought I had no more cards left to play. Well Ive got one. Man-boy! The Ace of Babes.
Youre the Quiznos.   Jan
Hmm?
Hes been growing that mustache for weeks. Best he can do... So young.
Very good.
Oh and uh
Oh
Thats all you need. And when I have curried favor with her
Because you are my friend and you are a woman... And women love gossip. Its like air to you people. Ugh
Well
Come on in
I know. Thats not why Im naked. I always work out without my clothes.
Oh
All right
Yeah
I can try. Im gonna use SMS text.
Text went through.
All we can do is sit and wait.
Oh
Get in the van.
Well
Does he own a gun? Show her.
Do you have any idea how many guns Trevors had stolen from him?
Mm-hmm. Good safe?
Wow!
You get half now and half upon completion of said job.
You cant have someone murdered.
What did they do to you
Oh
Yes. Crazy. Thank you.
No! No!
Absolutely not. There are a lot of different ways to get revenge. Ive had great success by defecating in a paper bag
No! Youre not helping
No. Angela! What are you saying?
Im trying
Okay. But its cruel
The target-- its Oscar
Your nostrils tell a different story. They flare like that every time youre engaging in deception. Hello again
Well I could understand you wanting to get a strangers knees whacked. But a co-worker-- Dare I say
I cant even imagine how painful this must be for you. But the first ones to break your marriage vows were you and me.
What do you mean?
No! No
Oscar? Oscar. Oscar
Come -- come with me.
There are a bunch of construction workers in the warehouse without their trousers
Theres no time to explain.   Okay
What is wrong with you? There are a million gorgeous guys in the Scranton Wilkes-Barre area
Oh
Aah! Actually
No
Disarm!
Dont move. And disarm now!
No! No
No.
See ya later
I just saved your life. Youre welcome!
Oscar.
Youre not stupid. Jazz is stupid.
I know. Youre gonna be okay
I dont like him either.  And yet I really like him.
Where does gayness come from? And how is it transmitted?
Is it called red-vining?
We heard it was called red-vining.
Where are gay mens vaginas?
What?
When two gay men have s*x
Uh
Philadelphia. From the greek phila meaning Love
What about an authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? Drink some gluhwein
Or
This is me and my family celebrating Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas in 1982 on the farm. Theres me and my brother Jeb breaking the ceremonial pig rib. He doesnt come back for Christmas anymore. The sepia tint is from an app on my phone. This is the same photo
Yes! Yeah!   Yeah! Okay! Yes! Its a Christmas Miracle!   Yeah! Whoo-Hoo!
Uh-huh.
Uh
You have never been cooler.
And Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas has officially begun.
That is gluhwein
Somebodys found the hog maw.
What? Its a Pennsylvania Dutch specialty. Hog maw. Thats a beauty
It is stuffed pig stomach. And
This is austere
Have you ever tasted a Shepherds Crook?
Wait
Ohh...  Judgment is nigh
I am nigh!
Every year
Ooh
No
Yes
No.
Okay
Oh
Take a bowl and pass it down.
No
No
I decided earlier.
Of course I checked it.
I checked it more than once.
Impish or admirable.
Phyllis Vance! Cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here! I judge your year as...admirable.   There you are.
Its a set of rubber gaskets for canning jars.
You cant have the bowl! Oscar Martinez
No
In a head-to-head contest
Stop giggling.
Its a punishment.   Hey
But you work tomorrow.
But we were gonna break the pig rib.
Remember?
No matter! Belsnickel cares not about this--off with you!
Wait
Jim Halpert. Cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here!   I judge your year as impish.
I judge you impish!
Theyre not abandoning the party.
Impish!
Partys over. You quit on Christmas
Everyone thought the food was gross
Jim couldnt even stay till the end of the party.
I dont care. Guess how much I care on a scale of one to ten.
Damn It!
No
Shh. Lets not speak of that. The Pig Rib! We could totally break the pig rib! Im gonna dig it out of the trash!
Comes back in
Oh!  Pig rib breaks and Jim wins
Very impish.
What? Lice? Oh my god. Lock the doors
Just lice Pam?
Of all of the vermin in Gods great green kingdom
Make way
Should be. I use lice shampoo every morning.
Its a Hazmat suit. That stands for hazaderous materials mens suit wearing. If you rent more than four times a year
Renters. Ok
Scalp leeches
To be burned!
Im not gonna lie. Lye!
Lets talk pubes
Oh sure
swings the scissors around and puts them into his pocket
Shes right Pam.
Yeah theres a volume knob on that thing.
Attention
Whoa. Hypertoxide has a mild hallucigenic effect
I had a pretty good day today. Not everything went exactly according to plan
Stone and Son Suit Warehouse recently lost their paper provider. Theyre a family owned business  . Jim and I used to clean up at those. Wed go in pretending to be family – brothers. We did it at a family owned law firm
I hope youve been paying your wig storage bills Jimbo
Oh
Phyllis
Oh
How is that my problem? Get in your car and drive down here. You can make it in 30 minutes if you drive 240 miles per hour.
Mmm. Thats a good... question. 300 times...   180... Um that comes to 25 minutes.   Yes. Oh
There he is!   We are all so proud of you for the small part that you played in landing the white pages. Prouder of me
Gosh
How would you like to pretend to by my son in order to land a sale?
Then looks like we have a deal... Son
You know
Oh! Youre a hunter I see. Spend your early mornings out in the blinds
Guilty!
It was his birthday
...But I think that all of your concerns will be answered when you see the brochure that Clarks getting out of my car. Hes a good boy
Oh... really.
Well
What took you so long? Were you loitering out there like a hooligan
Youre being disrespectful!
We dont get along.
Terrible!
Yes! Genius. Stupid
I bet you have. He knows nothing about what people have heard before
Maybe if you listened a little bit
His last girlfriend was a transvestite. I knew it right away. Adams apple like the prow of a ship
Yeah? Like what?
That never happened. Hes always been a liar. Ever since he was a little kid. He got caught saving treats from the kitty litter box.
Glistening brown morsels tumbling from every pouch in his trousers.
Following the cat around on his knees with his hands cupped beneath its tail
Got cat turd collector written all over him.
Do you mind? The men are talking.
Us old timers need to stick together. And how better than by signing a contract?
Wait
Yeah
That place doesnt exist. Its not a documented island. Ha ha
Actually... You look great. They steered you right. I guess it does make sense buying from a father son team. You know what? Ill take one too.
Yes! We did it!
And you closed it. The boys are back in town.   High fives! Ha ha!
You got me!   I used to collect them!
Each one is very different
Gotta clear out these file cabinets people
Aha! A lightbulb.
A lightbulb. Okay. Okay.   Invisible ink.
Higher than numbers go. The ceiling above accounting!
An X.
Oh.
Sedes introiti. Seat of entrance.

Lets just forget it. Forget it.
Pfft
Youre working for Stumpany too?
What?
Hey
You wont stop until youve poached us all.
No. Ill be damned if Im gonna let us lose me.
Hey
Youre welcome.
This -- uh
Yeah
Bust out your complaint files. I need everything youve got on Darryl since he started working for Jim in the last few weeks. Break it down by keyword
Okay
Customer Loyalty. What is it? Can you hold it in your hand? Can you nudge it with your finger? Can you dump it on a woman? No. Why? Because its an idea. But what does it mean?
Not even close. Mr. Romanko has been a client for 20 years. He came in today in a rage. Why? Because of Darryl. Because Darryl was focusing on outside projects and needs to remember his first priority-- the client.
No
Loyalty.
Thank you.
Yes.
Yeah.
Thank you so much for coming. Darryl and I will be here to serve you for years and years and years and years.   So
It cant be more fun than selling paper and paper products.
Are you pretending to be crazy
You looking for fun? It just found you! Woo!   Here we go! Yeah!
Yes
Uh
Yes. Fast food. Ill take a burger over a gross Philly cheese-steak any day.
Not like this.
Thank you.
Nope.   Fire in the hole!   Oh
Wait
Its a youtube thing! Lets go. Lets go. Come on
It barely even feels like a prank anymore.
Ha ha! Yeah

What? What was that? Did I just hear you laughing with glee?
Thats right
Oh
Wallace is letting me hire a junior sales associate to sit at Jims desk while hes away in Philly. Finally Ill have someone at my desk clump who gets me. Its like
Mm-hmm.
You know what? Youre gonna get your interview
Clark has no chance. I mean
Big changes coming to the old desk clump. No longer a Pam-Jim alliance against Dwight. Now it is Dwight and a friend axis against Pam.
I chose my words very carefully.
Hey. Come on
Rolf is my best friend
And this chairs gonna be yours. And this desk. Ha!
No doy!
No earbuds!
So Ive got your resume here
Well
Ive worked here for 12 years. I won salesman of the year. Im an Assistant to the Regional Manager.
Wait
Well
What makes you think youd be an effective paper salesman?
Well
All right. Do you see yourself as more of a team player or a self-starter?
There were only two options.
This is a bus transfer.
I cant hire Clark. Yeah
Okay
Thank you.
Damn it! Perfect answer
Think Dwight
And anoth—
No.
It does
Oh
Next up
What quality would make you a good sales associate?
It says here on your resume that you spent the last 15 years as a sales rep for Dow Chemical.
You know we live together
And Ive never seen you go to work
So why is this on your resume?
When I was young
This is Dwight Schrute. Who am I speaking to? And dont lie. I can tell if youre lying.
David.
Really? Thats interesting. ‘Cause I was thinking that since Jim is only here part time
Sounds fair to me
No. Why not do it now?
Id love to be in the loop
Id love to invest.
Id like to give you $100 million.
Im not. These people are the best of the best. I find talent an attractive quality in a friend.
You know who else was a freak? Spider-man. And he was also a hero.
Mandatory paintball. Uh
Wolf is hilarious. He has executed me over 100 times at point-blank range. Half of ‘em
Sell me this piece of paper. Watch this.
I sure do.
I will pay you whatever it takes.
No
Okay. Good. That was great. So. Wow. Youre still at the 570 number?
Okay. Good
This isnt gonna work out.
Nate is a proven entity
No
I do that myself now.
No
Or none of you
I wish I could hire all of you.
Psst. Jim Jim?   Jim
Just act natural.
And I was thinking its only fair that you help make this decision since theyll be sitting at your desk next to your wife.
Aah! God
I guess I just have higher standards for my work colleagues than for my friends. I just couldnt picture any of them in the old gold and gray.
Summer. Winter. Jungle. Formal.
Yes. Thank you. Amazed.
What? This is such bullcrap!
Wow. So much crap. Its just a load of B.C. How could you do this to them?
Okay.
Okay
Guys
Oh
Okay.
They say that everyone outgrows their friends at some point in their lives. Well I just outgrew them all in the span of three hours.
Oh

Who
Absolutely
Okay
Aah!
Welcome to the club
Aah!
You dont have the clearance to call a conference room meeting.
Youre telling me
Lets go everyone. Super secret
Pam
If theres anything I hate worse than art
You need my pitchfork?
What is it? I have vengeance to exact.
Ah
If I get the deicing gig
I am handing out pieces of paper. On which
Incorrect. It is my fetish. Oh
Yes. Or nipplous breasts. Perhaps.
Or melons. Like cantaloups. With the halves are cut off. And then
We just need a pretense to talk to him. We could tell him that his mother is dying. That usually works on him.   Nate. Your mother is dying.
Its all right. Its all right.
No. She needs her rest again.
You know who the vandal is. Now
Theres no gum. There never was any gum.
Oh
Wait. Are you saying...
Normally
He messed with something that was important to you. We need to mess with something thats important to him.
A little eye for an eye action.
Go all Hammurabi on this clown.
I know just the man for the job.
He even looks like a mole.
I never want to see you working in the upstairs office again. Do you hear me?
Silence. Youll now be working in the warehouse with the untouchables. Now
Go move some paper!
Great. Get the plate number.
So we know which truck to van...
Yeah. Frank draws a butt on your mural
Lets see yours.
This is amazing! Frank! And hes leaving a trail of poops?
I saw that. Thats great!
Good. Im glad you feel better. This has been a wonderful day. I have to say
Ugh! Dont sympathize. Youre ruining the mood. Back to work. Draw his pen1s.
knocks on Andys door
Andy
I would be happy to. It would be my pleasure
I really like Andy these days. Hes pretend and he does exactly as I tell him to. All that will change when real Andy comes back tomorrow.   Unless he comes back as pretend Dwight. In which case
I have yet another sales order for you to sign.
Why thank you Mr. Schrute. I dont know how you do it. Youre a god. Rick-a-dick-dick-doo.
Youre back.   And youre disgusting.
Hey
No. Please. Come on
Thank you.
Yes!
Yeah!
You were on a boat.
On a boat.
In the ocean.
Im not gonna say it.
Not a word.
No!   What do you think youre doing?
Dont you dare! Andy!
Coolio.
Coolio. Coolio.
Coolio.
No
Please Ja
Two seconds of the turd dog and he loses the biggest sale this branch has ever seen.
God! I just dont know what wed do. I mean
Id like to rat out Andy. Unfortunately
Fine! The state hes in
Well
... lit the whole thing on fire. It was crazy.
Yeah.
The whole thing is in ashes. Fire department was here. It was in all the papers.
No
I need you.
And you should take breaks more often
Its my aunt Shirley
You have no idea. I mean her hair
Probably nothing
Thank you.
Angela. You owe me one
And theres parts of her I dont even recognize.
Theres this one hanging part in particular
Its like a prehensile wing or something
Its a divet...
..where it was and it needs
How dare you?
Aunt Shirley
This is Angela
OK
You know what? Before you put the new clothes on
Ok
Ok.
Yeah
It keeps her docile. Go to the kitchen
In her prime
Now all it takes is half a liter. Shes dreaming. Alright
No
Its hosing time Aunt Shirley
Youll see. Here we go.
Lets do it! Ready? Heres a box cutter to get her clothes off.
Lets get to it.
Give it a whirl.
I need you to hose my aunt.
OK you are useless.
Give me the hose!
Ahh! OK!
Yes maam.
And you look like one too. Thank you Angela.
By all means. And I will carve the roast skunk. Angela?
Would you like the stink sack?
No
Ok. Well
Right. Not outside. The horseflies. You know what? My farm is only a few acres East of here. Or
Leave him. He probably wont even notice that youre gone. Be with me
Im not talking about some frisky romp in the warehouse. We have wasted too much of our lives ignoring the fact that we belong together. The eighty or ninety years that I have left in this life...I want to spend with you.
Stand by your man. Its what I would want if you were mine.
Hold it!
I am dressed according to the Schrute codes of mourning. My aunt Shirley has died.
I would say that she raised me
My actual mother was very cold and distant. Id say she was the closest thing I had to an aunt.
Keep them.
In keeping with Schrute custom
Excuse me?
OK. Thats not...
I really hope so.
I miss her so much.
You know?
Zeke.
Are you going?
Get in the sidecar. Get in the sidecar.
Get...
at the grave site
Oh
Jeb
Uh-huh.
Doesnt matter. Its a cemetery.
Well
Well
You had black hair and then gray hair.
You were late. So
Hello
I see Esthers back in town.
Hi Esther. Nice of you to come today.
Well
OK.
So
We Schrutes dont need some Harvard doctor to tell us whos alive and whos dead. But
Thank you.
I cant stand the fact that Jeb is a pot farmer. He couldve grown anything. Anything in the world. He used to talk about growing a peanut-grape hybrid. One plant
Lets do this. Lets run Aunt Shirleys farm. Im in. Boom.
Of course you are.
Oh my god.
You know what? Lets take a couple of nights and stay here and think about Aunt Shirleys offer.
You will say yes on one. Five
OK.

Oui.
People underestimate the power of nostalgia. If baseball can use it to get people to care about that worthless sport
Yes
Which is fine. And
If you want.
This? No. Thatd be cool
Did you just ask me if this was a cow?
Come here. Come on. Grab a teat with each hand. Sit down. There you go. Squeeze from top to bottom. Really pull. Use some muscle. Draw the milk out. All right. Going all right?
Well
OK
It.   That kid doesnt put in some farm time
Seriously. Ugh. Ok
Phyllis is m*st*rb*t*ng. In the office right now as we speak.
OK
Its OK guys
Clark
Esther Ruger.
Lives on the neighboring farm. 85 acres.
Well
What do you think?
A long term tractor lease is going to put pressure on a relationship.
Esthers on her way up. I wonder if she wants a snack. Lets see
Did I tell you about her teeth?
Ah
Yes. Esther
Mr. Ruger
Ok ok ok
Security deposit. Thats been-
Right
No.
No.
I am closing a deal on a tractor with the father of a woman I plan to inseminate.
What? Dont you cap that pen. Do not cap that pen! Do not! Ugh! You capped it. Wow. You are serious. Ok
Go on.
No.
What? Has the warranty expired on the auger you have now?
No woman would ever want a man who doesnt know what an auger is.
I just need a moment to consider your offer. Excuse me.
Maybe youre right. Esthers a ten and the best Ive ever done is Angela whos a nine and she rejected me.
Who needs a new tractor anyway? Maybe were the kinda guys who end up with a tractor thats already been rode hard and put away muddy.
By hand.
I dont know that theres anything left for us to talk about
No.
That snake!
That shady grove out by Willards pond.
So
No!
Post hole digging.
Well
What does Josh McAuliffe know about the paper business? He works for a news...thing.
Well
The buyer is your sisters friend. This is the printing paper for the entire school district of Lackawanna. You are coming
Andy—  I need to talk to you.
Stanley is refusing to go out on a sales call.
So what Im hearing you say is
Mm-hmm. Good luck.
For five years Ive held my instincts in check because I wanted to be made manager. Maybe its time for me to just let that thought go. Its kind of painful
Stanley
Dont worry


Its all right. Andy approved it.
Okay
Shh. Got about 45 minutes to get him to the client before he comes to.   Grab his feet.   Lets go!
Move it! One
Hes like a manatee. Ready? Lets go again. Come on. We can do this. One
Yes.
Okay
I might see a movie.
What about you?
Lets take him—
Lets go right to the top of the stairs
Okay
Thank you. I mean
I know. Evel Knievel.

Okay
Yeah.
You use your hands and just blunt his descent
Its 15 feet down
Okay. Good call. He would have put a hole in your chest same as he put a hole in that wall.
You okay?
Almost there. Almost there.   Okay. Were running late. Lets get him inside.
Are you kidding me? The bubble wrap is the only thing thats stopping his suit from getting wrinkled. These meetings are all about presentation.
Thank you.
Lets get him inside.
Well
Fine
Hoist his shank on three.
Its by the tenderloin.
Roll him
Got it?
Get in the back.
Get in the back.
Get in.
Okay
Oh
New plan
And for—oh
Hes fine. He gets carsick really easily.
Its a long drive. He was in the backseat. But right now were talking to Mrs. Davis about the full range of the products that we offer and our competitive rates
Stanley.
Look at him. Ive never seen such a beautiful child.
Like this? Watch.
Right? Come on!
Yeah
You earned yourself a nice
Well—no
We need a winch and a hoist.
Yesterday was the first round of a branch wide paper airplane contest. It was being sponsored by Weyer-Hammer Paper in an effort to get us to sell more of their new product Airstream Deluxe A4
Im pumped!
I offered myself to Angela and she turned me down. If she changes her mind
Hey
Well
I call for a refold!
Its a piece of paper. You fold it into an airplane.
Whoo!
Come on Clark!
Whoa!
Watch and learn.
Yes!
Oh
What are you-   Youre here early.
I like a little feather in my nuggets.
Yes. I pity her. She was recently in a situation where she could have had it all
In a way. But not in a stand up and cheer kind of way
Yeah! Ok! Beat that!  Erin throws plane
After you.
Oh! Oh man! It slipped out of my hand
Alright.
Attention
Smasher? No
I had to find a new dojo after sensei Ira and I parted ways. My new sensei
I would like to invite you all to my black belt ceremony
Ah!   Thats how its done.
He will now perform the ceremonial changing of the belts!
Take my belt
Just slip it off my—Slip it off my hips.
He will now perform the ceremonial cutting-off-of-the-belt.
There it is.
We did it
Thanks. I will now perform my final kata forms. Youre gonna watch me right?
Sensei
Watching?
Watch this part
You did not just say that! You dont know Pam. She is really cool.
Yeah
You wanna get rid of a headache
Thank you. So I saw you talking to Wallace earlier. Is he going to offer you the managers job?
Yeah
Hello.
Big day for you.
Thank you.
Oh
This is exciting! Youre finally gonna get to go out and flap your wings.
Oh
Andy
Youre bad.
Say it again.
Where?
What branch?
Im sorry. Ive just waited for this moment my entire life. I mean
But this isnt interim manager. No. Its Dwight K. Schrute...   Manager.
In case Michael or Andy ever got killed in a traffic accident and there was a trade show on the same day. You will not regret this decision
I will never
David. Can I just do one thing while youre making this announcement and then Ill never
Its just one thing. Just let me—let me do this—
Just wait and send it to voicemail.
Come on. Come on.
Dwight Schrute is manager!
Pam.
Thank you
Get out of Jims seat.
Youre an annex kid. You might be bullpen
So...
I wanted to offer you a new position.
Assistant regional manager.
Jim.
Shake on it? Done. Way to negotiate
So
Thank you.
Yes
You okay?
Yesterday I was just your average
Last week I finally became permanent manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. My first project: increase security. I got these doors from a jewelry store that had recently gone out of business. Now theyre protecting Americas real treasure
But the coffee in Peru is far hotter.
This is Tuesday
The coffee in Paraguay is colder?
Ah
No
Its just harmless steam to panic intruders. Id like to get harmful steam
Break protocol! Break protocol! Break protocol!
Oh
Manager of Dunder Mifflin? Check. Owner of a 1600-acre beet farm? Check. Engaged to be married to an actual milkmaid? Check... on that later today. This is my grandmothers ring. It was made from a bullet I took out of her left buttock. She was a moonshiner shot by Adolph Coors. This is my grandmothers buttock bullet ring.
You know what to do.  waits for Jim to put form in inbox
Behind every great regional manager is a great assistant to the regional manager
Once upon a time we were natural enemies
Good call. Together we run a no-nonsense office.
Welcome.
Please take an agenda item.
Have a seat
What is going on?
Ok. Um
Im letting you all off half an hour early to view the documentary. So you can make it up to me by working an extra half an hour tomorrow
Not now! Private time!
Hey
Which is
Yes
The power source.
A loyal
Someone to whisper in the ear of the consigliore.
Id have to get some more wire and string
I like the sound of that. Who do you have in mind?
That doesnt sound crazy
That means ye
We owe Andy that much. Am I right people?
Youll always have the upper hand
Wow
You dont need to repeat right now
Not even close
Wait
No
A thousand times more.
No
Oh
I know.
Jim
Me.
Yes!   Thank you.
Okay
Smart baby. Thats the most flavorful bond.
Oink the pigs
The way that boy looks at the Galactica is precisely the way I look at the Galactica. And he eats the same kind of paper I do. Hmm.
Thank you
I need you to perform a test.
On an innocent baby.
Damn straight.
Hey
Hey
Okay.   You ever been in a managers office before?
Phillip
Yeah. Any ordinary child would have taken the money
That is because this baby is of superior intelligence. He can tell when hes being tricked out of the experience of a real human breast.
Door. Chair. Its about Phillip.
I believe that boy may be a Schrute. And if he is
Then the two of you would move to my 1
Very well.
Yes.
Jim! I need my assistant to the regional manager. Code red.
Now.
Jim. Im not kidding. I need you.
I was thinking of proposing to Esther today.
Shes got a ton of great qualities. Shes young
Plus her dowry contains a walk-in freezer full of frozen
And did I mention that she weaves? Colorful
Angela.
Some sort of virus?
Oh.
Youre a good assistant
Thats very true. Get the hell outta here.
Pull over!
Move to the side of the road!
Pull over!
Shut up
Listen to me! I love you! And I dont care that Phillips not my son. I will raise 100 children with 100 of your lovers if it means that I can be with you!
This expresses how loudly I love you.
This is a ring
I love you!
What?
What? Why would you say that—
Get out! Im a dad!
The documentary series finished airing ages ago. Why is PBS sending another crew?
pff
PBS. The propaganda wing of Bill and Melinda Gates and viewers like you.
In the past year
Today marks several important milestones. Stanley
No! And our next and most thickly frosted cake is...for...Kevin.
Go ahead and just read the frosting.
Uh-huh.
Its a colloquial way of saying youre fired
The cake has spoken Pam. Sorry.
Well if anyone here can make a case for Kevin staying.
Based...on his merit.
Toby
That is all. Have a good morning.
What was that for?
Ah. I know. It just feels so empty with so many of the old gang gone.
Oh
I brought in some new faces
Oh hey
Ever since Angela moved in and Mose had to stop sleeping at the foot of my bed
What? Ooh!
I thought you guys couldnt come.
Uh
Wait
Jim...wha... Come on! What...what are you gonna whack me
A bazooka. You remembered.
. Get out of my way.
Woo! Okay!
Amazing.
Man
Oh
No
Oh
Yes
Okay
Now
Youre telling me!
What for? We havent even gotten bread yet. Does anyone wanna split a twice baked potato?   Do you have those? Those arent deep fried
Oh
Good old Mose.
Oh
A ceremonial bridal kidnapping. He will take the bride and hide her at a local pub and when I find the place
Right. Which one is that?
Yes
Very well! Drinks on me! Bartender!   Oh.
I heard you bought a bar
Why did you pick this place?
You? You did this as a prank. My own Bestich Mensch.
Waste of a good hatchet.
I heard you say well the first time.
It was nothing personal. Its just that you were terrible at your job.
No really. You were terrible at math and organization
Thats it.
I missed you Kevin.
Ohh.
Youve had your drink. Now where is my bride?
Mose! What..ooh
No. We cant see each other on our wedding day. And her legs are still numb from being in the trunk.
With todays modern surveillance technology we are in a constant state of being watched weather its our government or the government of other countries a.k.a. Google. You guys are being filmed way more than we ever were.
You kidding? I was born ready.
Oh
Oh
Not... significant is a big word...
I think youre only a teeny...
Jim.
Michael. I cant believe you came.
Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much for coming. Now
Everybody!
Good night.
Good evening.
Hey guys.
Aww
No
Dont be an idiot. Its for the severance. The best I can do one month for every year youve been here. Thats the max.
Woah. Right. For what
Do I get along with my co-workers? Well
Just before lunch. That would be great.
Alright
What? Im sorry?
Well
Do you want to look at mine?
OK. Since the last meeting
Michael
No
Ive spoken to Josh in Stamford. Ive told him the same as you and its up to either him or you to convince me that your branch can incorporate the other.
This does
Go ahead.
So do you think we could keep a lid on this for now? I dont want to worry people unnecessarily.
So
Wait
The Gold Plan? Im not even on that plan.
Michael.
You know the whole reason that were doing this
Its your job. So...
Michael... maybe... I mean...
Sometimes a manager
Im doing it right now. To you.
Hello?
This is Jan.
Who is this?
From sales?
Wheres Michael Scott?
Dwight
Really?
OK
No. Please dont use my cell phone ever again.
Are you listening to me Michael?
What did I just say?
Alan and I have created an incentive program to increase sales.
Im not going to do that Michael.
Weve created an incentive program to increase sales.
At the end of the month you can reward your top seller with a prize worth up to a thousand dollars.
Uh
No
Its a
No.
No
Are you there Michael?
Really? Im dropping an atomic bomb on you?
You already had a party on May 5th for no reason.
And you had a luau....
And a tsunami relief fundraiser which somehow lost a lot of money.
Okay
Yes. Yes
You seem a little bit agitated
Well
Do you need to see the video again
Michael. MICHAEL!
Michael
Mike... Michael. Please. I... I... really.
Thats not my sense of humor.
Wha...
Scuse me
Mr. OMalley is our Corporate lawyer. We have him on retainer. To protect the company as well as upper level management
This is a projection of the countys needs...
Thirteen schools
So when we get to the Radisson
Excuse me?
You had no right to do that
It said that.
Alright. But you will let me run this meeting.
What?
Thank you.
Michael
Do you always shut down the entire office when you leave for an hour?
So which way is Chilis?
Oh
I know Scranton.
Alright.
If its a couple blocks away-
Ok.
Why would we need a signal?
What kinda trouble are you planning on getting in
Youre gonna let me do the talking
Just Jan Levinson.
No.   Thank you very much for meeting with us. Have you been waiting long?
Michael.
Michael
Michael.   Uh
Were in a meeting.
Christian.
I thought we could start by going over the needs of the county.
What?
So-
If you have a-
Christian
Just the one.
Excuse me
We would probably be upset with ourselves if we went this whole night without talking business
Whats the bottom line?
I dont think Christian has time for that.
Oh no
Wed been fighting for a while-
He didnt want kids
I was stupid.
Uh-
Bye... thanks.   Yes!
We got it!
I am really-   Thrilled.   Lets go.
Lets go.
Michael.
I am returning your many calls.
No. No
Uh
I expect you to forget anything that you think may have happened between us and exhibit completely professional behavior.
Ok
Michael.
Are the cameras with you...
...in your office?
Well address this in the meeting then. Ok. Ok
Im good  how are you?
Nice to see you.
Can we please go in your office?
Thank you.
Nice to see you too
Not like that.
You know Michael
Period.
Do we understand each other.
So are you still in the middle of the performance reviews then?
No.
Fine.
How is that a business question?
Please dont smell me
Uh
Great. Very good.
That sounds serious
I cant
Please sit down.
Youre gonna sit here and Im gonna go sit over there.
Please
What
Because nothing did
No
Is this how youve been conducting all the reviews
Thats a serious offense!
Oh! Michael
No.
Ok! Heres what Im gonna do : Im gonna step outside
Thank you
Look
Im heading back to New York  Alan and I will conduct your performance review over the phone tomorrow.
K?
Michael
No
Never
Michael
With your looks
Really. Youre
And you were very sweet
At this time in my life. I just am not in the place right now where Im looking for a relationship
Ohhh
So
Women today
Michael... I thought we agreed you wouldnt be here.
What are you doing?
Michael.
Michael.
You are not allowed in this session.
Now youre really not allowed in this session.
Im your boss.
Were fine
Ladies
Yes
Michael!
So one obstacle is how assertiveness is perceived differently in men and women. Men who are assertive will be admired. Theyre called... anyone?
I dont know what youre doing here
... but its very destructive.
Can you please do this somewhere else
Dwight
Im so sorry about that... um... so where were we? Pam
Please? Thank you. very much.
Why dont we go around the table and all say something that we know were good at. I will start. I am good at public speaking.
Great. Phyllis?
No. Okay. Stop. Go on...
That is an excellent goal.
Great! Uh-huh?
Well
Great
You know the company is offering a design training program in New York.
Well
There are always a million reasons not to do something.
All right. Lets talk about clothing.
Dress for the job you want
Another issue is inequality of pay between men and women. Im sure that all of you have felt that before...
What? A union! What...
Im not...
The cons are that everyone will lose their job. Michael. Everyone. Office
You got yourself into this Michael
Thats too bad.
I dont want to...
Michael! Michael! Michael!
Michael.
Dont say another word.
Get yourself down stairs.
Sports metaphors are one of the ways women feel left out of the language of the office. Now
Right. Par for the course is a golf term. It means right on track. Below par means worse. Wait... that should mean better
Excuse me?
I dont know what Michael was talking about. I dont know.
Kelly
Im divorced.
It was. Yes.
I think you should all spend a little more time thinking about your careers and less time on personal stuff.
Okay. Lets take five. I think we can all use five.
Did you take care of the situation?
Excuse me.
Excuse me. Ive been told theres been some interest in forming a Union and that Michael supported it. Obviously hes not a friend of yours because he didnt tell you the facts. So let me. If there is even a whiff of unionizing in this branch
Josh Porter
And Michael Scott
Fine Michael. Thank you.
Nervous
OK.   Craig
Um
Craig
Well
NO
Yeah
Oh
Surely
Uh
Oh
Oh
Oh.
Hello
Im... returning your call
Well
...Happy birthday
Am I on camera?
Yeah
Michael?
You know that Im very serious here.
What?
I thought that you were their fearless leader.
I think you can handle it.
I think so
Goodbye
Michael?
You know
I could use a little fun. So
Incidentally
Okay
Bye-bye.
Michael?
Hi.
What are you... Just... Wait
No. No
Does anyone want a drink?
Okay.
Cosmopolitan
Well
Casino Night in the warehouse. Good sport.
Oh
What?
No
I didnt... I dont know...
Smoke?
Fabulous time. I drove two and a half hours to get here.
Left work early
Why did I hook up with Michael?
It was very late
Good. Have you told anyone?
Well
Hey. Im leaving.
So
And thanks for inviting me. You were right
Nice to meet you.
And you guys have a good time together.
Yeah.
Okay. So what is it that you wanted to talk to me about?
Im sorry?
Well
Well
Obviously we do need to find it quickly to ensure that its not a criminal action.
But... I guess thats it. So
You know
Thats not what its called.
Coming out
NO!
No
You know
Michael
Oh
We all checked in?
Great
Okay!
What are you talking about?
Step away from me
Great!
What have you generated
What party?
Michael
Really?
Well
Hello?
Hello?
How would a movie increase productivity Michael? How on earth would it do that?
Magically?
No.
Hello?
Who is this?
You should talk to Michael
What about him?
Its not about a surprise party is it?
Look
How do you know I like that store?
How do you know that?
No its not. Its officially not.
Yeah.
Really?
Ok.
What would you do differently?
Dwight
Where is it?
Michael.
I just had a very interesting conversation with one of your employees.
No
Mm-hmm.
You cant have people undermining you. Get control of your branch immediately.
So
Michael
I understand how you feel
Well
Of Ed?
Im not sure thats realistic.
No
What the hell are you two talking about?
You know what
...and I have to get back to work.
So call me when you feel like having a real conversation.
Goodbye.
Tell me what you did yesterday.
Nothing?
I dont care how your day was Michael.
Tell me what you did yesterday.
Hi
Im great. So
Thanks Pam.
Michael.
Michael.
Michael.
I am here to tell you that we are closing the Scranton branch.
The board voted last night to close your branch.
The boards.
Im very sorry. I dont relish telling you this. Youve been a big part of this company
A small number of people will be transferred to the Stamford branch
Well
Well
Its... its about talent.
Our CFO believes that Josh is going to play an important role in our companys future.
Hi.
Oh
So
Awesome.
Wha... excuse... why not?
Today?
You leveraged your new position with us into another offer?
Damn it
Im gonna make some calls.
So... we are still scrambling here. But uh
And I know that you just left there a couple of months ago
Yeah.
Michael.
Ah. Well
Wheres Michael?
looks around
Ah
Well
Back?
Uh
Michael!
Did you fire Tony Gardner when he was trying to quit?
Do you realize
You do?
What? No. No. No
Hes the only one who has worked with both groups. I sent you a memo about this.
Mmhmm.
We get that money for hiring an ex-convict.
When did the check come?
Okay
Uh
...Okay its someone named Martin Nash.
Michael?
Hello everyone. Hello Michael.
I was in Scottsdale visiting my sister.
Very sunny. Familys important. Michael
Why am I here
In the last year
I think I owe it to myself to find some kind of happiness
This is the kind of thing
This is the point
Good
Well
Wait 15 minutes
Oh
Dwights name is on the security sign-in sheet
Michael
Okay.
Uh when
You went to a bachelor party at work?
Im closer to firing you.
Ill talk to you later.
Michael?
Hi.
Lets just blow this party off.
Am I on speaker phone?
Is anybody else in the...
Hi
Ok. Lets just go to a motel...
...and just like rip into each other like we did on that black sand beach in Jamaica.
Still on speaker?
Are cameras there?
See you soon.
Im sure that its catered. I need you to sign these
You realize this is a legal document that says you cant sue the company.
Ive never told you that I love you.
I am taking a calculated risk. Whats the upside? I overcome my nausea
Whats this over the i?
Why is this so hard? Thats what she said. Oh my God. What am I saying?
Oh
Of course
From the Scranton Branch.
David
Were good.   Michael
Martini please.
You ok?
Its nice.
I
Im sorry. Youre just going to have to excuse us for just a couple minutes.
Sorry. Michael
Dont you know what Im doing?
Shut up.
Come on.
What?
Just let me loosen my dress.
Michael.
Slam me up against the wall
Oh
Oh
Not too good.
I feel sick.
No
Please dont cry.
It was never a love contract
I didnt mean it. I was...
Tired. Im tired. And I didnt eat enough. And
Thats all. I didnt mean it. Thats all. Im just saying I didnt mean it.
Ok.
Michael
Is Toby there?
Ok
Thank God.
All right
What did I tell you about yeppers?
I told you not to say it. Do you remember that?
Why dont we talk next month
Today. All right
Great. Uh
Da--- Darryl from the warehouse?
No
Michael
...and we need someone else
Thank you
Thats my new assistant.
I have to call you the second I get a new assistant?
Hi
Right now we can offer you a 6% raise.
Oh
Michael---
Michael---
Okay
Ok
Great.
Whats wrong with you?
Okay
No
No. But we can offer you 12.
Michael!
Michael
...come over after work tonight
Ill give you $200. And if I get up before you
$300?
You know whatever. Just let my assistant know if youre coming over so he can get more vodka
Michael...   I was
So... were good?
Oh. Hold on
One second. Oh! Its from you. Uh
OK.   Its me
Oh.
Michael.
Uh
Im great. Uh
I just
Okay.
Been good.
Good.
Sorry to drop by unexpectedly. I uh
After you ended... everything with us
To kinda clear my mind.
It was. Yeah
Ive made some big changes in my life and... I miss you. I want us to get back together.
Ohh...
So...   there are a lot of things that I would like to do differently.
I feel like
And if we could talk about a way to approach a possible reconciliation...
Thanks.
Oh
Well
Good luck with your interview.   Bye.
Hey you!
How was your interview?
Yeah?
Oh.   Ill put in a good word for you.
What?
Whats... whats the matter? What... what happened in there?
Tell me what?
You son of a bitch!
Youre firing me? Where the hell do you get off?
Erratic?
Is it because of these?
No
No?
Cause he likes them.   Okay? He likes them. And
Yeah!
Okay
Bye Hunter.
Good luck with your band.
Dont let them change you
Oh
Oh
Oh
Live together. Actually
OK
Youre over 75 years old?
Theres no prize money.
So I heard that you were peeping on Michael.
I dont know what your deal is
Water? Water?  Toby gabs water
Michael thats irrational.
Hi
Is Michael in?
Hey.
Ryan. Ryan. Ryan
Well
Different salary.   Youll get there
Thank you
Best decision I ever made.
You know what? I love the beard. Keep it forever.
Hey.
What?
So
Hes such a snake.
I hope hes gets hit with an ageism suit.
Ageism? Companies they cant discriminate against people due to old age. Like a couple years ago we tried to force out some of the older branch managers with a mandatory retirement age and then Ed Truck
Yes
My friends? Michael
Is it really that important to you?
Alright.
Go by yourself.
Well...
What? No Michael!
You do.
Well
A futons not a sofa.
I know what a futon is
It costs what it costs.
We have gone through this.
Conniving little runt. Put him through.
So
Why? Improv? Why dont you just pretend you have a car? Good practice
You drive
I didnt go.
I just didnt!
How was improv?
Youre broke?
Michael
Yeah
Okay
Well
Ill be right there.
Alright.
Michael.
Whats going on?
Well
What does that mean?
Michael
Your creditors can follow you anywhere with ease. Your debt follows you around the world
Uh
Well
Michael
Im keeping them. I know you like them. Theyre kind of uncomfortable though.
Its kind of painful and my nipples are over-sensitive now.

I dont know
Good.
And they displayed a pattern of disrespect and inappropriate behavior.
Um
Remember
Does this work for you?
Uh
Four million.
No
Stop saying ridiculous things. Hes just gonna tell the truth
Michael
All right
Michael
People underestimate Michael. There are plenty of things that he is well above average at. Like ice skating. He is a very good ice skater.
Can we just move on to another question?
Okay
Uh
I had to
You keep it under my side of the mattress.
Alright
I love you too.

Michael
Alright
How about Chinese?
That was my cheap suggestion. Chinese was my cheap suggestion.
Fine
Hi.
How are you?
Chilly huh? So glad we finally got to do this with you guys. You wanna take their coats babe?
Oh well Pam
So what do you guys think
Do you have a preference babe? Upstairs first?
Alright
Yeah
This is my office.
Not super exciting.
And this is my workspace.
I do
Uh-huh
Men love this one.
When I get frustrated
Just like that.
So this is the master bedroom
Babe I thought you said you were going to tidy things up.
Shame on you.
See
Its pine.
Really?
I bet you are.
It was between the neon beer sign and the Dundies so I said Honey keep the trophies.
Oh
So glad youre finally able to be here.
Oh
Aw.
How bout we do the short tour and then Ill start dinner?
Oh no no no
You know Pam
Do you have a preference
Follow me.
So music
Do you guys remember my old assistant Hunter? He is an excellent songwriter.
Well I think hes probably just about as reliable as Pam being that it usually takes you an afternoon to get back to me.
Joe Camel!
Oh!
Babe can you just like really
No.
I was watching Jim.
No smiling.
No no no
No rhyming!
Im so
Come on
You are so right
I will get it
Uh
You should see our bathroom after Michael takes a bath
Oh well dont tell me that hes really changed since you guys dated.
Well
Mmhmm.
Coming!
What are you doing here?
What is he doing here?
Fine
We saw Wicked.
I am so sorry that I dont want to bring kids into this screwed-up world
I hate my life.
Im just gonna check on dinner.
Can you not do that? Its disgusting.
Oops.
Hey babe?
How about we take the beer sign down until our guests leave and then we can discuss it.
Ok.
At least hes an artist.
AND IM A CANDLEMAKER BUT YOU DONT HEAR ME BRAGGING ABOUT IT!
FOR AN INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY!
YOU BURN IT. YOU BUY IT!
AND YOURE HARDLY MY FIRST!
Michael!   Michael. What are you doing to him?
Bye Babe!
Well it was good to see you.
Yeah
Hello... Michael.
I...
No.
Uh
I didnt...
... touch that.
Why?
Yeah
... happen when...
... we were together. Thats true. And-but
...Not to. No
Yeah.
I went to a sperm bank.
Yuh-huh.
Uh
I know.
No
IHop.
If I was 22
Oh
Look
Okay.
sighs
I just think that...
Why?
I think you can. I... what?
All right
Well... well
We just will.
I have some ideas.
I am not going to tell you yet.
Oh
Yes
Sometimes when he gets nervous he
A little amuse-bouche
Okay
Oh!
Ahh
Are you eating?
Really
So
Well
I did
Yeah.
Yeah. But
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
It was me!
I spray-painted that dog. It was sleek
What are you doing to him? What...   is this about that stupid
Please
I need you to make me 100 copies of this on canary yellow.
Hi.
Oh
Oh
Thats his ex.
Hi
This is my baby.
Astrid.
Well
And the birth instructor thought it wasnt a good idea for you to be there
OK
Im sorry
Yes
trid.
Well...
Michael
Thank you. Thats very sweet of you.
Thank you.
Being good isnt always easy / No matter how hard I try / When he started sweet-talking to me / Hed come and tell me everything is all right / Hed kiss and tell me everything is all right / Can I get away again tonight / The only one...
now belting out the lyrics
Well
Yeah
Oh
Oh no
And after the birth you get out and deliver the afterbirth.
Youre sad about this. I know that
All right. Um
Oh. I was just catching up on my sleep.
Wheres Astrid?
On a what?
Thats funny.
What are you doing? Whats going on? Excuse me.
There you are.
You dont flash around a newborn baby. Dont you know that?
Michael
Uh... come on.
Oh
You know what
Ah. Thanks
OK. You know what? There is
Dont date Holly.
Thanks for the baby shower. It was great. And Ill see you... soon.
OK.
...to accommodate the
How do I do it? Raise my daughter
Yeah Im really happy. Me and Astrid against the world.   Were loving it
Yeah.   Fry it up in a pan. Never never never let you forget...   I love that commercial.
Well
Are you gonna keep me in suspense?
No
Michael Scott
You wanna dig into our relationship
No! In the beginning we were not good.
Well if theres anything exciting about it its because we both knew it was wrong!
No
No Im the princess
Assy! Awwhhh how was school?
What did you learn?
You might have learned shapes
acting as a jazz singer at the Funky Cat
He finished his movie?  frantically trying to open her car door

The hostages are under the stadium.
You son of a bitch. Youre firing me? Where the hell do you get off?
Wheres Wallace?
I was under the impression that David Wallace would be coming. He bought back Dunder Mifflin
Molly! David Wallace is in Vermont.
Molly. I am not Tom. I am Jan.
I thought it would be fun to have a little chat with uh
Stop.
Stop that.
No
Insightful
Pam?
Im a very busy woman
Fine. I will show you one... slide show.
audio from slide show
Aw.
Well
Cece cant spell her name.
Well
Can you spell it? Try to spell it
Dont patronize me.
No.
I -- I --
I dont recall. And yes
Will you uh
Do you have a valid passport?
Hello?
Oh
Really?
Hmm.
Seriously? Youre calling me a few weeks after finalizing our contract to gouge me now for more money? Is that what youre doing?
Yeah.
You know what? You know what
Tell Angela to send me a final invoice.
Packman.
Can you shove down? Instead... shove down
Um
I think it sucks.
walks into the office with a large
Hey
Hey
Ive been meaning to ask her one question. Does the carpet match the drapes?
What has two thumbs and likes to bone your Mom?   This guy!

bleep
Still queer?
Are you kidding? Everyone knows why! You dont know? Okay
Were talking blonde incompetent.
Like 10 words a minute... talking.
They are women
I said it. And then
Meant to ask you
Come on
Why does everyone ask me that? Who the hell is that?
Dont ever let this little bitch drive you around town. We got
Where is Michael Snot? Sniffing some dudes thong? Probably.
There he is.
There he is. Good one.
So a guy goes home
Theres this guy. Hes at a Nymphomaniac Convention. And he is psyched cause all these women are smokin hot perfect 10s
Ex-squeeze me?
Oh my. They really got to you
Merry Christmas
Whats up my nerds. Check it out.
Pacman need a drinky.
Hello
Hey whats up
Dude
Fat and ugly. You might actually have a chance.
Oh heres what you do. Hike up your skirt and pull out your tampon
Maybe next queer. Hey ladies
Whoops!
I saw you on the news and I want to pinch your tiny wiener...   Its Packer!
Lame. Why dont witches wear panties?
Because they need to grip the broom!
Has anyone started calling you Gabe-wad yet?
I dont think you get it.
Halpert
If doing The Scarn is gay
Yep
Uh...
I dont see what that gets us
Schrutes out to get me. But Im playing the long game. As soon as he messes up
When you guys do that whole power of two shebang
Nice.   Hey
Aw
Thats... thats the same guy. Its the joke I made.
Well
Sup?
If I may speak to that
Are you kidding?   Shes the queen of the whole freaking Magilla!
What
Hey
Hi
OK. Lets get right to it. I guess. My name is Todd Packer and I am in recovery. Im working the steps. Im on step eight of Alcoholics Anonymous and step nine of Narcotics Anonymous. Im here to make amends. Ive been hard to deal with over the past years. Kind of a jerk. I know it. I dont need you to accept my apology
Actually
Why cant I just be nice? Truth is
Huh. The mind sees what it wants to
Oh. Im Todd. Oh
No? Wow. Im in this mode now where Im apologizing for thoughts that are in my head.   Hey. I have a crazy feeling   that you are really gonna like this.
Hey
I am. It was my rock bottom.
Hey
I am going through a twelve-step program. Im currently on step zero. Which is have a   of fun. I spent six hours carefully removing the frosting and then layering in a variety of drugs
So
Its OK. Im over it.
So what does downsizing actually mean?
What?
Well
I was just going to say
Yeah?
Well
Oh
Keep me out of it.
Id like to play if its just for fun. I played basketball in school.
I have a sports bra.
Ill do it.
Live and learn.
Its about Michael.
Dwight
What were you doing in the ladies room?!
Why were you peering over the stalls?!
You are a pervert!
You
But where would we...go?
This says Bushiest Beaver.
Its
All relationships? Eh
Im the same age as you
Were in the same High School class.
Michael! Come on!
You dont have to worry. Im not going to...
...report you to HR.
Ill do it.
Are you calling me a ho?
Oh
Oh
Um
Definitely Jim.
Come on
Yeah
Thats great!
What are you? A monk?
Ass.
Thats the characters name?
Sir
Theyre important.
First message is : I love you. Thats from me.
Tom? He worked in accounting up until about a year ago.   Tom?   Pow.
Sure.
You tell me. Well
Here I go again on my own. Going down the only road Ive ever known...
Dwight...
Yes
Im sorry
I knitted it for you.
Hi guys.
Does everybody know my boyfriend
Where are we going this afternoon?
A furnace?
What does the furnace do?
Michael
Michael
Um
Oh
Youre gonna compete against us?
Im good at computer stuff
I dont know. I thought that I wasnt going to be asked that...
Really? I thought they were pretty...
...and a big walk-in closet.
Shes real good.
Im excited about today.   I love girl talk.
Mistake.
That must have been hard.
Mmmm
Isnt he sweet?
Really
Goodnight Pam.
Hey
Oh.
Unbelievable.
Its unbelievable!
When should we bring out the cake
Where do we get those?
Yes
Its labeled.
We dont feel that way.
Oh I got the Save The Date.
Yeah
Uh
Okay...
Excuse me.
No
Stanley and I are close
I know you keep saying its your space
I guess so...
I dont like you.
But I didnt report your snoring-
Oh
Afghani.
Afghani.
Okay
Oh
I have an ace.
Oh
Look
You guys wanted to see me?
Well
$14.
$3
It will never happen again. My boyfriend
Okay.
Im getting married to Bob Vance.
No
Well with your ties and your matching socks and ---
You should order the most expensive thing on the menu
Oh
Woooooow.
Its really something.
Youre kidding...
Michael
Maybe Ill quit.
Thats a shame. Ed was a good guy.
Okay thats enough.
Well
Im just saying hi to Bob.
Whats on your suit?
Ok
Isnt this fun? Not wearing shoes?
Hey guys. Uh
I thought maybe DJs.
Okay
We know the branch is closing  Michael told us.
Stanley!
Hey
I was...
Ill tell you later.
What smell?
Oh
What is it?
My perfume?
Bob Vance bought this perfume for me in Metropolitan Orlando. Its made from real pine.
You have a lot to learn about this town
Oh
Bob Vance has an air pump. He said hed fill all our tires up.
I cant feel my toes.
I like goose. If its already dead is it so crazy we eat it?
But we invited guests.
I thought you said green was whorish.
Itll be all right.
You should
I was just getting a snack.
OK.
Hi.
Oh
Cold
Maybe thatll help. Is it cold in there?
Theres another party in the break room.
Oh
I called every grocery store in Scranton
Were the same age and Ill pick... Karen.
Then how is this Amazing Race?
Michael.
Do you have a pole?
Um-hmmm.
Its a big order. Thanks Kenny.
Hey
Yeah
Im so glad youre with Jim. He was hung up on Pam for such a long time. Never thought he would get over her.
You can pay me back later for the makeover.
Sort of. He had a lot of clients.
No. Sorry.
Dwight has a big personality and I have a big personality. And a lot of times when two people like that get together it can be explosive.
Yes
Thanks
Yes
No.
That wasnt me.
I thought it was...
Michael... No.
I dont need your... thank you. No
I do.
Thanks Angela.
I dont have that
Its beautiful. Why dont you find your seat. Enjoy the buffet.
Its fish.
You found Uncle Al!
Thank you
Look
Did you see...
Mm-hmm
Four.
I know
I think I just got flashed.
In the parking lot.
Um... I was walking to the building and this man asked me for directions. And he was holding a map. And when I walked over
I didnt really get a good look.
Michael.
When I got my hair cut short
Oh
She does have very nice clothes.
No
I bet you know. Dont think
My mom taught me that.
Jims gonna love it.
Is there any mustard?
What are you gonna do?
Dwight is our new boss.
I think its gonna be Michael.
No
You shot Dwight?
Does it hurt terribly?
Im a Lutheran and Bobs a Unitarian. It keeps things spicy.
Oh
You guys are together?
Did you plan it?
Michael...
Sorry
I couldnt see your hands.   Hey Pam
OK.
Wait
Did you even try?
I cant see half of the things.
Michael.
This is stupid.
How is giving people gift baskets going to get our clients back?
Did you get any clients back?
Stanley
Angela is worse than usual lately
So how do you feel about the fact that the banner says lunch?
Im so sorry to hear that
I want to understand what youre saying but its difficult for me when you use that tone.
Yes.
You can pick one of these things. Its unreasonable for you to ask me to do all of this.

That seemed to shut her up.
Yeah
Hes always been terrible with money.
Dancing babies!
Sue Grafton is at the Steamtown Mall. Shes doing a book signing right now.
Okay.
Bye everyone.
Well
So I kept on asking and they finally threw me out of the store in front of all my friends.
No.
Popcorn.
Someone needs to clean it. It smells like popcorn.
Bob and I took rock climbing lessons once.
Michael wasnt invited on Ryans camping trip. Toby went
Oh!
Hey
Do you have any idea what time well get out of here?
Call us when you get there so we know youre OK.
Michael?
I have a friend whos single.
Sandy. Shes gorgeous and shes got a feisty personality
Umm
Umm I dont know Michael.
What are you asking?
No
Well
Did the police solve the problem with the...
Elliot.
Jim was supposed to collect it.
We-- we--
Well--
When I was a little girl...
We-we found some wet cement in the park...
In our neighborhood...
What did we write?
Thats the dumbest thing I ever heard.
I mean
What consequences?
Yes.
Hi. Are there any local companies that rent antigravity machines?
Thats right. Yeah.
They make you feel lighter...
Okay.
Oh boy. I appreciate your help
Why would you do that?
Really?
Hello Angela.
Can I get a list of your vendors?
Why would you do that?
Sorry.
Kevin
Sorry
Hey
Party plannings a real high. Like a runners high.
Thats despicable.
Thats...
Go get him Bobby!
Sic him!
Sic him!
Hey
Thought we were playing for fun.
But its closer to you.
Oh
Phyllis
Oh.
I like your frames.
Oh
Well
Jim
I dont know
When I was growing up
And if the food stations are here and here... no! Here and here. Drinks here
Mmm
Its times like these
Angela
Yes
Its going well.
We lost weight today. I think its OK to reward ourselves once in a while.
Stanley
You said fruit
Cake.
Yes you were.
Split the commission?
storms in the office
There was no client. Dwight drove me to an abandoned warehouse five miles away and pushed me out of the car. I had to walk home with no money and no phone.
You left me in a bad part of town!
Phyllis Vance for David Wallace.
Why should I have to thank him?
I like her purple dress.
I wonder what people like about me? ... Probably my jugs.
I thought very strongly agree sounded stronger than totally agree.
Thank you
I dont care what shes doing. I just hope she keeps doing it.
No.
That cant be right.
Hey
I know
Look at it as if youre paying for the cake
I do enjoy being the head of the Party Planning Committee. Im no longer under Angelas heel
Sorry.
What are you making?
Youre making a knife with a knife?
You want to talk about it?
You know I know.   You know they know.
Hi.
Its nice to learn new things.
Okay.
What dont you get?
Angelas not really a risk taker. And Andys not really a risk.
No
Where are we going?
Then you need to give her an ultimatum. Tell her she needs to make a choice. You or Andy. If she pick you
It did when Bob said I had to stop talking to my sister on the phone so much.
I think its a fun idea.
We could auction off things we do for each other like cleaning or tennis lessons. My sorority did it all the time.
Move on
Its the only gavel I could find.
Oh dear.
Why couldnt have you just said it? Why did you actually do it?
Now you move on.
Well Dwight
Well
I have my hug.
Shh. He wears that so he can sleep at his desk. Who are you?
Mm. I like your shoes.
Sure.
Im sitting right here Dwight.
On more week.
Dwight
Jim
Wheres your place?
Ohhh...
Hello.
Know what?
Im sorry. Its the largest one I have.
This is the first Christmas party I am throwing as head of the party planning committee. The theme is Nights in Morocco. This isnt your grandmothers Christmas party. Unless of course shes from Morocco
Yes.
Angela. Youre going to move this for the party right? Its not on theme.
Alright. You can keep your camel
I need you to get rid of the tree.
Thank you.
Oh
It looks like were going to be here for awhile
And napkins... fanned.
I was waiting until later to hand out this years gifts from corporate.   I dont think theyre appropriate anymore.
Oh
You never showed me mercy when you were in charge. Why arent you wearing the hairnet?
Ok... nice.
Thats a halwa shabkia cookie. They serve it during Ramadan.
I need you to put the Christmas tree back up.
I didnt ask you where it was. I told you where it needs to be.
Excuse me?
Okay.  starts to walk away
Wow
Why isnt Dwight turning around?
Andys running over Dwight with his car.
Dwight
Youve got no taste Stanley Hudson.
Hillary Swank.
Shes not hot.
What--
Oh! I forgot my purse.
What in the name of God is going on?!
Thats not a good idea
He needs to rest.
We bury him?
It is a big deal. You almost killed Stanley.
Let me get you some water.
Hey
I hope hes ok
Oh
You forgot her birthday
Shes out of your league Andy.
Sexually?
Theres always a theme.
Hey
It is so nice to go out with another couple.
I know
Hes talking about Michael
Okay. Now everyone here whos bowled under 70 raise their hand.
Come on
Yes I do.
Bowling.
Oh sure
Yeah
Damn.
Oh
Its just me here.
I think he left.
Um
Andy Hes gone.
You dont have to kiss his ass anymore.
I never see him drink. I never see him eat.
No
Its really cute.
Whats wrong with you?
I think you look nice.
You sound worried.
Andy
Mm-hmm.
Maybe
You mean the clients you stole from us.
It sure looked good on the mannequin.
Well
Isnt that what you said to a bunch of my clients when you were stealing them? That I didnt have enough time for them?
Close your mouth
You dont take my clients away and give them to a secretary.   No offense
Those sound too harsh.
A restaurant.
Ryan
Me.
Michael
Michael
Michael
Michael
Work.
Its a combo dance house coffee bar.
Aw
Oh
Tell him Im going dancing downstairs in the storage closet between the bathrooms that used to be a utility shower and he should join me there.
Mmm-hmm.
Hi.
Hey. I like.
Oh! Mother ******!
Back!

Wow! Sorry!
Its my back.
Call a doctor.
No. Call Bob.
What? No. I thought we were going to the hospital.
Dwight! Dwight!
I do.
That feels good
An hour? I cant stay here an hour.
But the rattlers so scary.
I think Bob is gonna cheat on me with his new secretary.
When I say it out loud its so silly.
Wanna dance
Weve been out here for a while. I dont need this.
Oh
Ow
I... twisted it.
Theyre not getting married. Its just talk.
Theres nothing to know
Teris out of town
Teri
How far along is Pam?
We have a right to know.
Congratulations!
Again with the cousin.
Whats happening to you Michael?
Whats going on?
Hey
Perfect. I hate registries.
My cousin makes the most amazing romantic birdhouse mailboxes. I know I shouldnt tell you
Good. Good.
This isnt a game
Not according to the beans.
Its not so much that I might not get a raise. Its just demeaning!
Yeah
I say no.
Michael!
Come on! This isnt fair!
Michael
Now this is getting ridiculous.
Thats funny. Your wife loved this hat the last time she saw it.
I think Pam ran away because she knew deep down she wouldnt be a good wife.
So he wont get caught!
Disgusting...
Good luck Michael
Wow. Sounds scary.
Michael
And when you fell in
Michael
So now youre comparing yourself to a cute
Michael. You know
Were not mocking
Well
Yes. Put the DVD in.
This is really nice Dwight
Holy crap.
It is rumored that they will recommend declaring bankruptcy.
You know
What does that mean?
Michael
Well
Lose the twirl.
Yeah
Bob took me to Capellos. We got a little tipsy.
Oh
Its not like you can fire people or anything.
Ryan.
Sorry. Plastered.
Whats Scotts Tots?
Yeah
Thats fair.
How is that possible? No offense Pam
Ooh.
You didnt decorate it?
Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas boys and girls! Its me
Yeah!
I have been wanting to be Santa for years. I believe I have the right temperament
Its going to be a very jolly time if youve been good!
Oh then nothing but a lump of coal for you!
Yeah.
Well?
The only Santa.
You promised me this. Dont make me get Bob involved!
Never mind
How do you know its a gun?
In the North Pole I spend many nights alone tinkering with toys. So today
All right sweetie
This just arrived from the Dunder Mifflin North Pole branch!
Ho ho ho! For Stanley! Ho ho ho! Youve been very good this year -
And this brings us to you
Its a secret.
Hi Michael.   Mm. kay.
What?
An Xbox it is. Because Ive decided youre a good boy.
No Bob
Im sorry
Im really sorry. It was earlier today.
Hi sweetie.
Im good baby.  they kiss
Michael
I sent an email out to everyone in this area that this might be a side effect to my new allergy medication Im on.
No.
I did.
You dont even like us as friends?
I can put on lipstick the way Molly Ringwald does in The Breakfast Club.
No
Good luck!
This is ridiculous. We just cant wait here.
But you dont know that. I mean
I have an ice cream cake in the car.
Hey!
But is there anything relevant to the sales staff here?
Honey
Finally
What are you -
What the hell do you think youre doing?
Are you gonna give me the leads or not?
What are these for?
Michael
I think youre remembering that wrong?
I dont know about this. I mean
Whats the least we can do to make this okay?
I guess we could give them some of our new commissions.
Oh
Okay
So how about
Yeah
Our treats
Yuck. Im not going to sit on that disgusting seat.
Ten...
Eleven
One more
Hmmm
Yeah
Hey
Say Me eat cookie.
Mm-hmm.
I dont get it.
You dont know that. Some people cant help oozing sexuality.
She just crossed her arms together... thats bad.
Michael
Oh
I dont think hed do that.
Oh Michael.
Hey!
Was there a fistfight?
And it didnt change your mind.
Michael
Yes.
For your signature.
Awww
quietly
Look
I dont know
You deserve it.
Dwight!
Luke? Luke!
Did you send those samples to Justin at Lehigh Motors yesterday? Because he didnt get em.
Yeah
Hey
Well
Yep
The mall itself or just the stores in the mall?
Im glad Michael is getting help. He as a lot of issues
Go get em Dwight.
Its nice
Found him!
Your show was really great
Oh
Yeah
God! Wow!
Thats no pimple Michael.
Oh! When you got your new phone
The ability to express love physically. Its a magical thing.
What? Is Dan okay?
Yes.
Oh
You know
I could try to seduce him.
Uh...
This is weird.
Its not gonna get better  hes gonna steal all of our clients.
I dont know
I think he-
Oh.
What should we ask?
An asset!
Who takes a kid to Mexico?
Church isnt a party
Michael
Okay
Heres her carrier
Whos that?
Whos that?
Which ones Glee?
You know your perfumes!
Are you alright?
I know. I thought you two were nice together.
Made love? I dont know.
Ill see what I can find out.
Erin! Uhm
And I imagine things are starting to heat up?
Of course you dont wanna rush things! I mean the anticipation can be so exquisite. Bob and I took our time. The first time we saw each other naked we didnt even make love
Magical...
You have all of our attention just by screaming anything.
What do we do? How do we stop this?
Yeah
Well I like being in the same building as Bob. Keeps me honest.
I am jumping.
Yes
Yeah
Oh God.
Oh
Whats the case
So is it an open relationship?
Nobody cares about that. Look
So you went homemade this year.
Yeah. Money problems
Are you good at homemade?
Yeah...
Well
I think its good.
I know Sue. Shes not that great. And you know her husbands in a wheelchair
Ill talk to her
Why wouldnt she?
Follow my lead. Hey
Oh
No.
So
You didnt break up with AJ at all? I mean
A lot of mines in Scranton.
Im out too.
Hmm?
Wow.
C.C
Im clicking!
I am clicking.
Well
Yes.
Yeah
Maybe thats not the best one. Keep reading.
No
Yeah
Blue Wasabi is so good
Mm-hmm.
Yeah
If youre just handing them out
Yeah mostly.
It didnt go down so easy but shes made some friends and its already better than it was.
Uh I dont know if you ever know. And if you wait for the day when your parent to comes to you and says I cant take care of myself anymore its never gonna happen. I have a box of bras under the table if youre interested.
Yeah
Mmm
I love their breadsticks!
I have diabetes too. You dont see me making a big deal about it.
in the conference room with Pam
The three of us have all been chairmen before.
Yeah that was a surprise...
Please Michael.
I thought he knew about the baby I gave away.
Look Michael
Its almost done
Its cute.
What does that even mean?
Do you believe that?!
Hmm
As a person who buys a lot of erotic cakes
Yeah
You want the 27-26 or the 27-30?
No.   Im on a sale!
Okay...
Theyre almost done but my knuckles are swelling a little and-
Oh no
Here.
Yeah.
Okay.
Im not a feminist
Thats true.
He means the ice pack.
You could put your cell phone in it instead.
Hows your hearing?
Okay
Good morning.
Did you have a nice drive in?
Oh
It turns out that Erin was born in the basic time and region that I gave away a child.
But
Mm.
Yeah.
Are you sure this is a good idea? I hate to see you disappointed.
Do you know what it took to get Bob to notice me? I waited in his office every morning wearing nothing but kitty-cat ears. I did that every day for two weeks. And on the tenth day he walked in
Bestiality. Yeah.
If my daughter were asking me...
I would say
I dont think we should tell her. Angela went a whole day without telling me I had lettuce in my teeth. Screw her.
You know
Is it true that youre making Dwight the manager?
He and Kelly said
Yeah.   Yeah
No
It seems like we all know enough to vote. Should we just vote now?
Then what was this all about?
Yeah
Ahhh!
Yeah. Yeah. Oh.
Thanks guys.
Cmon
Yeah
Completely.
Well
Whew
Good night
Ooh
Andy
Wait....theyre terrified?
Yeah
You dont have to thank us for coming in
Ask for Donald
What else you got?
Thats still a lot of money!
Yeah.
What? No warehouse guys? I have an important order that has to go out by five. I emailed you about it.
Andy
No..we dont
Yeah
Yeah
Yeah
Why didnt you just say this was to impress Robert California?
Who?
Bob and I are doing this Scranton Haunted Walking Tour.
Wait
I almost wonder if putting nothing on this wall is more Halloween-y.
Is she Asian?
Forest? Did Andy say his girlfriends from the forest?
Hmm.
Remember we have to give Rigo Escrow their refund by five.
We did our best.
Yeah you have this sexy glow.
No were not.
Or should I have corndogs. I mean-
Well
Im in too.
Ooh. Isnt that the one where the guy becomes limitless?
Yeah
I dont think I should walk anymore. You know all I had for breakfast was oatmeal
We have a gym at home. Its called the bedroom.
Aw... Hes so tiny. Is he in a ladle?
Is that ladle stainless or...
One
You know
Is that Cici?
Thats awful.
Dwight?
He should pay.
What?
Backups.
Oh I know you think that
Well
Oh
Then another woman will get it. We cant allow that. We have to destroy it.
How was jury duty?
Did you send him to the slammer?
Oh
Yeah
Yeah.
Why?
Im sorry
Cookies?
Oh.
No
Just go.
Are you glad to be back?
I have a new swimsuit I need to break in....
Eight Cases
If I wanted Jamaican food Id just hire a bunch of bodyguards and go there.
Ooh
No way.
Do you have a black eye?
Look
If Dwights not coming back
Yeah.
Oh.
Make them kiss each other.
What are you doing?
Hey! Good to have you back.
Yeah.
Nellie
Pam.
Really?
Oh
Oh
He does have a moustache.
I cant believe hes making us throw a party for her.
It kinda makes me want to throw a really bad party.
On purpose.
Order carrot cake.
Toots
Welcome to your party.
Whoo! Wow
Oh
Yeah. You know the roads are actually the slickest in the first half hour?
Oh
I actually sleep better when its raining.
What do you mean?
Lots of things are cozy in the rain.
I mean
If it makes you feel any better
Forty-three was ju- I got nothing done.
How do you? I mean
Yeah
Whats he doing?
Oh.
Yeah.
Is it true youre buying the company?
So were not gonna be a part of Sabre anymore?
Helpless.
Who was Pams first celebrity crush?
You think that Andys family owned slaves?
Hey boss! I am so thirsty. Could I have a scoop of water?
Andy
Whats going on?
Oh my god!
Oh
Just drive away. Just..
Role call.
Dont you have any sunblock?
No
Dwight
Gina Rogers at Apex Technology said you called her ‘gy-na for your entire meeting.
Yeah
Guys
So
Okay
No
No actually
Oh
Ms. Thomas
Oh
Okay
Yeah.
How much wine do you have?
You know what? I dont know where the years went.  ‘Cause sometimes when I look at my hands
Whose hands are these?   Theyre not my hands. I dont know.
No. Jim...
No
Can you help me?
ha ha!
Got it.
Were gonna cover for you
Yeah
Of course we are
I knew the party was today
We already said no.
Lets do it!
Dwight said its Hog maw.
Its the lining of the stomach of--
Come on
Thank you
Oh. What are these?
Id rather have the bowl.
We found some old decorations in the warehouse. Oscar ran to the store for some food and drink
What are you wearing?
You got dumped?
Whats gonna make you feel better
Mmm
Val.
Well
We think you made a big
Hes a real catch and you should take him back.
I have ears
Clark!
Ooo! 16 types of espresso! Now thats Italian.
What?
Hey
We dont work for you!
Wait. This says Dunder Mifflin Loyalty Pledge?
Does Mr. X know that Erin has a boyfriend
Well
David Wallace called this meeting?
Or the mini mall. They have all these Valentine Day deals. You can get 20% off if you come in with your husband or your   boyfriend. But
Oh...
Ah
Andy.
He and Pam are having their Valentines Day lunch.
We started selling balloons.
I cant be around sad people
Andy
Andy!
What does that even mean?
Put it down.
Put it down
See?
Told you so.
Come on Andy
Ow
It looks pretty black.
Why are you here
I agree. Even though that place has a way of making those cupcakes so theyre dense. But
So
OK. Packer can go to hell.
I dont care what you do
Last night
What did you do
Why?
What the hell?!
Wait
Play it again.
Wait. So they were filming all the time? Even when we didnt know it?
I thought Terry knew about Cynthia?
What does it say?
Ouch. Sorry
No
Her hair looks beautiful.
Yeah. Poor Angela.
Andy sings beautifully. And hes really good at dancing. Hes a good speaker. But theres just something there you dont want to look at.
Whats it now
Who knows? Maybe Andy will make it. Hes not terrible.
No
Ill try this one.
Hot!
Were all a little hormonal with the doc airing.
Eleven years. A guy is in your life for 11 years and then hes gone for who knows how long.
Which thing?
Hit it
Yeah
Oh
Thanks.
Oh
After 16 years
. Andy...
Andy
Poor
Angelas special repairman is here.
Its just the wind.
Okay.   Its just the wind
Let me help you us.
Oh
I missed you.
Lots of people think that Stanley Hudsons a mean old grump.   But   would a grump make this? Its me. Its me.
Cool.
Hey
Im happy that this was all filmed so I can remember everyone and what we did. I worked for a paper company all these years and I never wrote anything down.
Well...
It could be out of your hands Michael.
Can you promise that?
Its just that we need to know.
You cant say for sure whether itll be us or them
Fine. How are you?
I admire your cultures success in America.
Who am I supposed to be?
Its collard greens.
Its collard greens.
Theres no dental
looks at keys
Oh
This isnt the big surprise
What about confidentiality?
We all think you dont have a surprise.
Whyd you do this?
Last year
Im sorry?
Why of course?
Whats that supposed to mean?
Hmmm...
Is that from the machine that was in your office?
I thought that was the incentive prize for the top salesperson.
I dont know where they are
I think I did.
Say
You said
I did
Its this person whos hand Im holding Michael.
Well
So
That is my daughter. She goes to Catholic girls school. I am taking it down right now.
Yeah
A little bit more and I would have had it.
Oscar!
Ooh.
Thats one book. Youve got two others.
Okay
Come on people
Okay. Its called Who Would You Do?
No.
To the.
laughs
I dont want to stay until seven again this year.
Michael
I dont care.
Sometimes women say more in their pauses than they say in their words.
Oh
Oh
Its all about my bonus.
I think I do.
I didnt think the premium laser color copy batch would sell as well as it did.
I know how to plug something in.
That was meant for Kelly.
And you should have just bought a $20 gift like everyone else.
All right
Stanley Hudson.
Michael.
I need to know...
What were doing.
You said bring a toothbrush.
Is this an overnight?
Should my wife tell her boss shes not coming in tomorrow?
Not maybe. Yes or no.
In January?
Im not disabled and neither are you.
Mailboxes
Uh hmmmm... .
I mean Im learning nothing.
Im on the phone.
What is?
Hmm?
Excuse me one second
Thats not what a hate crime is.
This here is a run-out-the-clock situation. Just like upstairs.
Go ahead. Get the wallpaper. Wallpaper the ceiling if you want. Call Terri and tell her she...
Why would this affect our bonuses?
Michael?
You said we were getting bonuses.
Cancel wallpaper.
Michael
Shes in middle school.
Mmhmm. What?
A little fishy?
That little girl is a child! I dont want to see you sniffing around her anymore this afternoon
Boy have you lost your mind? Cause Ill help you find it! Whatcha lookin for
Mmhmm
These are all the same?
Is this trip related in any way to your... birthday?
Is that supposed to be me?
I do not think that is funny.
Hmmmpt.
Where did you get these facts?
They are not.
No
I didnt say that.
We sit close.
Wednesdays
You gotta be kiddin me.
Will Lady Fortune give me a raise?
Somebody stole some money. That is fantastic. How much did they get?
I hope they bought something nice
Ill tell you what
Thank you.
I got them a toaster. They called off the wedding and gave the toaster back to me. I tried to return the toaster to the store
If you do that
But... why Dwight?
How does that qualify him to run a branch?
We do not wanna hear about this.
You have just spit on my face.
Nope.
I will NOT.
No
I wake up every morning in a bed thats too small
No way.
Boooooo. Booooo. Back of the line.
This is Pretzel Day.
Thank you!
Three hundred and sixty four days
I dont celebrate Kwanzaa.
I couldnt be happier. Im gonna take the severance and retire. My wife and I are gonna travel.   I really couldnt be happier.
I dont know who these new people think they are. Ive sat downwind of Phyllis stinky perfumes for years. Never said a word.
Back to work. We dont have to get along. We just have to work together.
Got an hour? Ill try to explain.
Trust me. It only gets worse.
Fantastic.
Im going back inside.
You cant cancel a holiday.
What does that mean?
Fruity and delicious.
Oh
My bonus check was a hundred dollars less than you promised.
They said I should talk to you.
I am not doing a lick more work until I get my full bonus check.
Pass.
... Ill take the kid.
You want the lead?
Mind? Nothing would delight me more.
Ah
So good to see you too. Id like you fellas to meet Ryan Howard.
Im gonna let Ryan do a little pitch for you while I do my crossword. Ryan?
Ha ha ha! And you just said
Oh
No.
Of course.
A toaster
Unbelievable.
Goooood bye.
You must have been scared out of your mind.
Yeah
So you and Bob are looking at a historical house?
Mm
Is it nice outside?
Do I need my jacket?
I am upset. Dont I sound upset?
Oh
Excuse me?
I dont care what you call my team.
No
Theres already a twist
Thank you so much.
Do you expect me to believe that youre truly making your recommendations on this basis?
I would rather work for an upturned broom with a bucket for a head than work for somebody else in this office besides myself. Game on!
Uh
growly noises
Sorry about that. Its all about taking points away from Dwight.
How so? I mean... sure thing
Ive never heard you talk that much. I thought it was Kelly.
Amen.
Liquid.
I dont want it.
Make it 100.
No. In fact
The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.
What is wrong with you? Why did you have to phrase it like that?
You cant be serious. You ran a woman over this morning.
Hello Meredith.
Im... um
No
Zero.
Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.
So weve got what
Hmmm...
I dont know.
If the kid wants to set mine up
Its too little. Use the phone.
Im not driving with him.
Or him.
Yes
No Im not.
You said you werent coming back and we could leave early.
We get to go home?
You find anything?
Why cant you guys do it?
Fine.
Why are you calling me here at home?
Michael
Michael
When Im at home at night in my own house in my sweats drinking some red wine watching my mystery stories
How did Ryan use it? As an object?
Is he right about that?
I bet its Jan spending him straight to the poor house.
Urban? I grew up in a small town. What about me seems urban to you?
I dont understand why sleeping at your desk is better than you not being here.
I got an offer from Utica for more money
I think its because of my sales record.
Money.
Money.
Money.
Yep
Michael? A word?
I changed my mind
I wasnt really planning on leaving
I took an extra shot of insulin in preparation for this cake today. If I dont have some cake soon
Why dont you mind your business?
This is ridiculous.
Theres nobody I hate enough to write her name on this card.
I dont like when my clients call me to help them use the website
When will that be?
Did you not tell the security guard we were working late?
Perfect
Not me.
No.
Leave me alone
DID I STUTTER?
What.
What are you talking about?
I am not going to apologize to you.
Its like I used to tell my wife
Are you serious?
Youre firing me over three words. Have you lost your mind? Do you think Im gonna let you do this to me?
Ive watched you screw up this office for ten years
So Im not fired.
Oh yes
Do you have any idea how to run an office?
Every day you do something stupider than you did the day before.
And I think
He can top that.
But what do you do?! You find a way
Oh
Fine. Here it is : you are a person I do not respect. The things you say
Michael I have known you a very long time
Fair enough.
Has potential to be your best idea yet.
Hmm?
You ran over an employee.
Booyah!
No one paid me to say Booyah. Now pick up the ball.
Now it isnt.
through the fence to Terri
Somebodys always got to be a hero.
Why dont we eat more corn dogs? Theyre delicious.
Corn dogs should be the standard. Corn dogs should be called hot dogs
What a messed up world.
When I had my colitis
How much for one?
Goodbye.
Im taking the dumplings for my wife.
Im taking my dumplings.
Oh
I happen to be losing weight on my own for my own reasons. The truth is
I lost four pounds. I dont know what those other fools were doing
I dont like cake anymore
Tastes changed. Now all I like is baklava.
I dont know about anyone else. But it was a good summer for me. I lost seven pounds. And you know what? Im just gonna take five days off anyway.
This meeting.
Its a quarter to five and I have started to gather my things.
Amen. Just keep the ribs coming.
I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. Theyre always complaining. I have varicose veins
Im done.
Do you want us to look for em?
What?
Heh heh.
Dwight.
Oh my God.
Im with Pam. Chairs.
There he is!
I didnt hear a phone.
Its your job.
Eh...
I will not be the big guy in the tiny hat.
I agree.
Mmmm... chewy.
There was a car.
Whats happening?
What are you doing?
Oh
Some actress
What difference does it make? Attractive
I am trying to be more optimistic in life. Ive got what
Leave it woman!
Im about to die!
Thank you
Its true. Around this office
Not maybe. Yes or no.
No way. Uh-uh.
Are you from another planet?
Boy
Did I stutter?
Im done. Goodbye.
But the doctor said if I cant find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings Im going to die.
Im not sitting in a wheelchair.
Im going to die.
Oh
I would die.
Im okay with the logic of it.
Yes. I had a heart attack. I would quit
Im not feeling well. I need to sit down.
Oh my God!
Oh my God!
Chocolate.
Its my bio-feedback machine..
It alerts me when my stress level goes up so I can try to calm down.
Yes...
No
Would ya
Please. A little further.
Thats better.
You dont have to lie. Through here.
Four Splenda. Are you crazy?
Are you out of your damn mind?
Were not friends. I didnt think about it.
You really like her
Give me two clients for her.
I have to take care of a couple things. So Andy will be taking over things here. Youre in good hands
I know
Take a nap
Pardon me
I
Ive got a golden ticket idea. Why dont you skip on up to the roof and jump off?
clears throat
Fantastic.
Did you tell him how sick of him you were?
Maybe you should go into your office
Cant you see Im urinating?
No.
No.
No I didnt.
Yes.
Just transfer the damn call.
I dont think he even uses the bathroom.
I prefer   Maradona. Uhhh... Diego Maradona.
From Argentina.
I get it.   You need to see more?
Shes upstairs talking to Charles.
I dont know.
So
What are we supposed to do? They keep undercutting us on price.
How is that going to work?
New File System.
I am not changing the way I do my files.
Its not right. I dont like it.
I had Mexican food.
Who let this boy on the phone?
And me.
You want us to apologize to you?
Thats right.
Are you giving us our clients back?
Nobody likes that stuff except for you.
So?
I would like the memory of a day uninterrupted by this nonsense.
Had to be part of the group.
I usually dont enjoy the theater
Im meeting a client. Do you have a problem with that?
Goodbye.
That is ridiculous. Of course not
Damn! I told her it was a stupid idea to go up in that club.
Its just that... Teris been traveling a lot...
And its been lonely.
Cynthias been keeping me company. She was my nurse
Yeah
I just need you to promise not to say a word about this to anyone. Michael
Im counting on you

You told everyone I was having an affair?
What have we here?
Co-manager of what?
Can I also be a boss?
If you dont smell this
We just need to hear your plan for our raise.
Mr. and Mrs. Stanley Hudson.
Are you crazy? I brought Cynthia with me.
I got one queen size bed.
A queen size bed is five feet wide. I am not five feet wide
If your hat hits me in the face one more time--
Anyone have anything they want to trade for a toaster?
No.
Heh
Did you say Koi pond?
Michael
You just ignore their carp.
Thank you.
Oh lord
This is ridiculous.  gets up to leave
What kind of food?
Im in.
Do we have to play?
Super.
Oh
I thought you were killed by Polluticorn.
That doesnt make you a boss.
Cant say.
Has it really been ten years?
Local businessman pledges college tuition to third graders
Were supposed to applaud you for taking a giant diaper off fake tree?
Not a gun.
Well
I have.
We deserve to know.
Thats ok.
Im going to go look at the Internet.
Hold it!
Why do you find someone for yourself instead of meddling in our affairs?
Hey!
When are we getting to sales topics?
About time.
We need those leads
They arent salespeople!
The Kardashians is a good show.
Not your staff
If we act nice now
That is a dangerous precedent.
Well
This is - nice!   All of us back together.
Good news that you found our leads?
Excuse me.
Dwight
Ill slap you in the face with a rainbow.
I have an idea for your weekend.
Let me get back to my desk right now.
My doctor told me to cut out hot dogs. We all got problems.
How about make-believe land has anything you want?
Oh
It wasnt me.
Phyllis
to Toby
Still behind.
Are you crazy?
Lets just make this kid open this damn car.
Texas justice.
No you will not.
How many paper supplies and ink cartridges to go with that? Ok
Is he still doing his boycott?
You brought balloons to a play?
Interesting subject matter. Im surprised you pulled it off.
Not again...
Youre always asking for our attention.
Seems recent.
Thats what I was thinking
We sell better?
I would like to stay. This pertains to me.
Why do you always assume I have diabetes?
Im outta here.
Hmpf!
Whats a seven letter word for purse?
Nope. Starts with an H.
Hmmm.   Thank you.
looks at the clock
Night
How many freakin vampires am I supposed to care about these days?
Raaah!
This is not the meal I was promised. Im going to have no energy for the rest of the day.
I would run to Mexico if thats where the sandwiches are.
You could feed the hungry. Us.
I...
You dont have our attention.
Im listening.
Yes
I want my money back.
Get us out of this!
Its a bad bet.
Michael
Dwight
Dont tell me how to do my business.
Are you just gonna sit there
Why not just go one for the year?
I will not work in a roach billboard.
Are you trying to kill me?
Pam got those sugar-free cookies I like. Im doing fine.
Yeah
So do they bring in food
You lucky son of a bitch.
I have been trying to get on jury duty every single year since I was 18 years old. To get to go sit in an air-conditioned room downtown
Great.
Im out.
Click the x
In the box.
Woman
The flirtatious tickling.
So something good happening to Stanley is crazy now?
Marry me Holly.
Deangelo
Need a hand?
What are you doing? Have you lost your mind?
Have you lost your mind! Get off my property before I call the police!
I was.
More meetings and-
Wheres the rest of it
Yeah wow!
as Michael walks away
Yes
Mmhmmm.
Is that it?
Is that it?
: $0.50 with a camera pointed at it
We all saw you do it.
in elevator with Phyllis and Darryl
The hell you will! I worked for the last boss for 15 years. According to my doctor
My next boss will be my last boss. Hell be at my funeral. So I would appreciate it if you would take this seriously.  dunks his half-eaten donut in Jims coffee
Ill get over it.
It might be easier if you take a deep breath
I came up with a new thing this summer. I act like Im telling someone how to do somethin. I go on with a long description and then I say
What?
Go in there and just ask the man what it means.
Well
Whats that?
Thats pizza.
We get that every year.
How on earth are we supposed to sell...?
If we could just double our sales
How ‘bout you want us to work harder
Youve got to unleash the power of the Pyramid!
I like what we have.
Any chance Connecticut Casual is Pennsylvania Business
Just some chef.
What the hell is going on here?
How did you get in my car?
Closing time every new beginning...
Ive never heard that song before. And once I heard it
Goodnight.
This doomsdays device sounds like a scare tactic to me.
Try mose1234.
Well...I was saving this for my retirement
I know how to save the company
If your woman is like mine
In the African-American community-
Thought it was worth a try.
how about that two-hole-punch letter? Only the lawyers want that punch at the top and they use legal.
Holiday wishes.
We know exactly what holiday youre referring to.
Ive been here eighteen years and have suffered through some weird thematic Christmases. A Honolulu Christmas
I dont want no Kwanza wreath
Thats right.
Go on
Atlanta.
Keep talking all you want.
Thats it. Im going to go watch the boats on the river.
Youve been meatballed!
Are you ready for some meatball?
Look for your stapler!
Oh okay. Good night.   Whats the haul?
Good day.
Well never have to buy meatballs again.
I moved them. Pants only need a chair if theres a person in them.
Yeah
What?
What the hell
Well see you tomorrow.
You still had eight weeks more than we did.
What?!
Respect it? Youre trying to tell me Kevin Malone deserves more than Stanley Hudson.
If anybodys going to Florida
Florida Stanley smiles. Florida Stanley is happy to go to work. Florida Stanley is who you want on your Florida team.
Why is it so hot in here?
How did a mosquito get in here?
Mmm!   Ugh!
Laugh it up
Youre a nice guy
Did I say Messina?
Get the damn phone.
Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. Thats one of my mottoes.
Its just rum. Im not bored
Its whatever you want.
Or do you only drink with your kids?
Sounds like a hoot. Im in.
Aw
Yup.
Whats under the cloth?
My friend and I are new here in Tallahassee. Would you like to get a cocktail?  Jim slowly slinks down in his seat
My mini bar is oddly out of rum.
Oh
Got it. Good night. Careful Jim
mm-hmm.
uh-huh.
Im on break.
Dont talk to me.
Good to be back.
And we are grateful.
Whos a native?
No. Um-um.
Shes right
You two better watch yourselves.
Can we expect any payroll interruptions?
Oh
Theyre like the new Jim and Dwight.
Mm
American Diabetes Association.
Well somebody owned somebody. And I dont think anybody would buy an Andy.
Do not care.
Whats he measuring?
Well Im not getting paid to work in a microwave oven.
There are a hundred packs..
Shh!
Ninety nine cases..yeah.
How many times do you need to take a stroll?
Boy
No question.
Next stop pies!
Hurry it up for gods sake. Theyre gonna be out of banana cream!
Ugh. I dont want to sit through a whole concert of that.
Show some pride. This is crap.
Why should we help you?
When is my birthday?
I dont know
Now were talkin.
Weve got all afternoon to talk about that.
Ill have the surf and turf with a side order of lobster.
Not enough lobster. Side order.
Dont be pushy Jim. Its tacky.
Is it white wine?
Ooh

I did enjoy grinding your beans
Shuckin your peas.
Yeah.
No. I want Tropical Christmas.
I love Philly. Dirty town.
See you next Christmas.
Ugh. Im not eating mystery meat.
Uh-Uh. No
Thats it. Im getting my stuff. Im leaving for the day.
Get off me!
Alright
Put those away before you hurt yourself.
Ah! So
I usually take a siesta about now.
Its all gone. I didnt get a chance to try them all because Creed poured my Bogota Sunrise in the plant.
Hey
Thats none of your damn business.
This is not natural.
I said something when they were thinking of hiring Jim. Didnt work then. And now look what hes doing to us.
Phil
Shouldve put him out of his misery and just fired her.
Im the same way with horny people.
Uh huh.
Thats where noseyll get you.
Why cant you just do regular sit-ups?
Maybe we should eat the cupcakes. Havent we done enough to Packer? I mean
Me too.
Weve all changed.
Yes
Hurry Pam
She does. But neither of them know about Lydia.
Hello
What the hell? No. This is NOT happening.
I put 17 damn years into this company
This is an abomination.

You own the building. Why cant you fix the elevator in the middle of the night? Who do I look like? Jackie Joyner-Kersee?
Son
You are not my damn boss and you never will be! Guess what? Never gonna happen! Pete! Iced tea. Three sugars
Pass.
Dwight
No

Helllloooo!
Pigeons.
Ooh-hoo
Ohhh...
Thats Benji. Oh
Eee.
A beautiful family.
So I just smiled and complimented her grandkids
Oh

Whos Carla Fern?
Not one of us remembers you saying anything about two thousand dollars.
Andys from the generation that thinks they should all be famous. What happened to the generation that knew you shut up
Cant you just leave?
Yeah. And people worse than him make it all the time. Like Lil Romeo.
He was good.
Over the course of this documentary Ive had three affairs. If you find my body in a ditch
He aint coming.
I heard that.
No one is ready for this. You cant be ready for this. We dont even know what this is.
Ah
Hey guys.
Oh
Yes
I guess this was work being filmed nonstop for nine years.
I missed you too.
I had to pledge $50 to my local PBS station just to get this.
Okay
You guys better update your resumes just like Im doing.
Cant you just tell us.
Yeah but Michael
All right.
It was fine.
Martinez.
What part Native American?
Two fifteenths
OK
And
My parents were Mexican.
Thank... Yeah...
Mexican isnt offensive.
Like what?
What connotations
Im just curious.
He literally wont come out of his office.
Michael
Its like a pay decrease.
This is not good.
What was that?
I dont know
I dont know.
Well?
OK
Uh
My nephew is involved with
Donate to the charity?
Thank you.
Thats... thats... thats very generous.
Well
It says it right on the sheet. Look
I just think its kind of cheap to un-donate money to a charity.
Yeah.
Last year
How old is she?
Uh
Per mile.
Thank you
I can help out
What time do we have to come in?
Im on the phone.
Thats supposed to be confidential.
The Dundies are kind of like a kids birthday party
Yeah. Its a terrible system
Eh.
Its a scoreboard.
Kevin and I play this paper football game when Michaels out.
Yeah.
Sweet!
You should ask Toby to teach you Dunderball.
Pair of shoes!
Ah...
Great.
in background
No
No
Pam.
Michael.
What are you implying?
Yes?
Yeah?
This is great.   Oh.
Oh... hey.
Oh.
She had done a background check on me
Yeah. And she was asking me about stuff
Ok
Mr. Scarn
No
Hey
Actually
Ok...
Tin Man. Actually we just a got a memo from IT saying youre doing e-mail surveillance.
Im on a call.
Yeah
I got Creed. And to tell you the truth
Shower radio. Neat.
Thanks
Why are we doing this?
Ill take the ... teapot.
You got a bonus check?
Im in.
Michael? Poor Richards?
Last year
...Lord of the Rings trilogy
Whats up
Ok...
Hello.
Hello?
Yeah I think I came down with the flu.
Yeah
I have the chills.
I feel nauseous and my heads killing.
Michael is there anything you need from me? Id like to go back to bed.
Ill just be sleep---
Are you going to tell Michael?
Hey
Hey
What happened in Michaels office was wrong. I understand it
Its just that were really swamped over here
Are you kidding? I thought it was you.
The best present would be
My mom.
I get here early every morning so I can set the thermostat. I like it a little cooler
What the hell is going on here?
Ive got a time share in Key West that might be available.
Is that Chet Montgomery?
Who is this guy again?
This sounds like a get rich quick scheme.
Skin cancer is treatable.
Its going to be okay.
...Ill do it.
It wasnt me.
What is this?
No
What are you implying?
Okay. Im done with this.
So Pam told me that you do a great Stanley impression
Is that true
You were the one joking around calling Dwight a narc.
Its like child abuse. I say
Angela!
Since Christmas.
No.
Whats the next one?
I dont like looking at it. Its creepy
No.
How bout
Fine.
Again? We do that every year.
Itd be nice to do something for people who are actually suffering.
Let it ride. Let it all ride.
No
Well
Okay.
Im pretty sure Michaels involved because every other time theres been money missing from the office
I went over my books three times.
Yes
Yes
Hi
So
You did?
Well
Were talking more like $3
No. We didnt think it was.
Okay. Thank you
Were trying to find out who stole money from the company.
Did you use any company money for anything? Were just trying to balance the books.
I do
Its 11:15.
I thought you had two kids.
Okay. Thanks for your time.
Im sure its not you
No. Okay. Thanks for your help.
You know
Well
Well
But
Kevin
I really dont think it was anyone in the office.
Maybe it was someone in the warehouse.
Maybe it was Roy. Hes getting married. He can use the money.
We dont think it was you.
But we have to ask everybody if you used any money to buy anything and forgot to report it
Kevin
You dont have to answer that one.
But you dont have to.
So
Yes. She said she didnt do it
Okay
Wait. Here
Its got to be it.
You have to admit
What friend?
What? Thats not even close to being a real person.
Who?
Basically
He said he was leaving right at 5:00.
Okay
I cant. I have errands to run.
Im going to the mall. I need a new wok. Just stuff like that.
Nothing. Nothing. I just want a new wok
That was uncomfortable.
Angela
What is it?
You think hes gonna dust for fingerprints?
What are we even looking for?
Check this out. Michael Scott is the proud owner of a quality Seyko timepiece. You think he paid $3
No
And he keeps it locked.
Okay
Go to the beginning of the month.
Okay. This is pointless. Someone just has to talk to him.
Oh
We
In your books.
You accidentally logged this equipment depreciation twice.
Did you let someone else have access to your books?
Then...
Very well. Very well.
Very well.
No
That sounds like a great
No
Yes Im super cool. I am an accountant at a failing paper supply company
Am I the first gay man you ever knew?
What are you doing?!
Yes Im gay. And I didnt plan on sharing that part of my life with you today
No one else in this office is gay.
You sound pretty defensive Michael.
I think the problem with this office is that you are sending mixed signals about my being here.
I dont think I can work here any longer. This has been the worst
I would rather not.
No
Michael... Im sorry. That was a good idea. Come on
I was going to quit. But Jan offered me a three month paid vacation and a company car. All I had to do was sign something saying I wont sue. Gill and I are going to Europe. Kids
What are you doing?!
Too soon.
Hey
Oh
Hi
The one of all women?
Because Im gay?
OK
I really have no preference. We dont even have to have a party.
Michael --
Why dont you have me riding in on a donkey into the office like Pepe.
Actually
It reminds me a lot of the Three Amigos with Steve Martin and Chevy Chase.
Youre the one who said we needed more culture.
Its her first try.
Meaning what?
Well
Angela
It was crazy.
Well
It was insane!
What are you guys talkin about?
Really
Forty-two.
Thats really not our job.
I wonder how many phone calls youre missing while youre teaching us to answer calls.
Really
Yes.
I expect you to apologize for that
Still said it
I dont wear a Speedo
What?
Come on Phyllis
Turkey is a healthy meat.
If either of these guys are put in charge of the office I will transfer to Albany. Gil can come if he wants. Im kinda looking for a way out of that relationship anyway. I think I might try girls for a while. Angela thinks I can cross over. Well see.
Hey
Maybe you should talk to her? Before...
Michael...
Im sorry
Youre not sure that you have the job.
Good luck
Oh
Do you really think hes qualified for that job?
Mm. Yeah.
So ten thousand of your dollars is worth one real dollar?
What--- What are you winking for?
I dont know
So shes really going to be fine?
Subtle.
You pushed Darryl out the window?
Separate cars.
Like what?
Dwight please!
Youre doing great Michael
More or less.
Creed?
Everything OK?
You did what?
Its never gonna happen.
This is why Im here?
Why arent you in New York?
Michael
Its not pizza.
Stanley
Because were looking up jail time.
Thank God.
Obviously its a real word
Hes not even good at his first one.
Michael
You heard me correctly.
Not at all.
Hey
Still
This is a lot of credit card debt.
Mmm.
Okay
Twelve hundred dollars. Whats a Core Blaster Extreme?
Okay
The red bar is what you spend on non-essentials
This scary black bar is what you spend on things that no one ever
Michael
She has to know.
Michael
Im done!
Jan is smart.
So due to Michaels clever financial maneuvering
Jan.
Michael left.
I dont know.
I dont think so.
Jan
When I was younger I always wanted to be an actor in commercials. Then I realized I had a brain.
To be Edwardian. His best work.
Sure thing Pam
Besides having s*x with men
Can you imagine a life where all you have to do is summer in the Italian countryside?
What are you doing?
Yes.
Very brave.
And George
Okay
How does it end?
Ahhh!
Ok.
Lets be honest
No
Why dont you just have an apple?
Probably went to his head.
Hey
So the figures show improvement right there
Been here nine years. Now all of a sudden Im supposed to park half a mile away.
Wow.
I am livid
Elliot!
We should all make sure to give him a big tip this Christmas.
Why?
Why are you assuming they only speak Spanish?
Good evening
They happened to speak Spanish.
Michael that doesnt seem... safe.
Why are you telling us this?
Yes.
Well see.
Dunder Mifflin paper.
Hey.
Why
Well this is what happened: uh
Theres no proof of that.
Its fair.
I was raised Catholic
Michael
Oh.
Um...
Youre forty-three. Mick Jaggers like sixty-five.
Did you Google Confucius and just print out the first thing you saw?
I... like your hair. I dont know if I told you.
I think Ill just take my chances.
I was going to be in New York tonight
Dont.
You know the octagon sign means stop.
An octagon is a shape. You can see shapes
Okay
I hate to ask you this
You have CDs?
Okay
Case Logic.
Im asking about Certificates of Deposit.
Hi.
Okay
Wow. Now we can afford hard-cover books.
I totally see that.
Yeah
Its a problem with the client. I think
Honestly
Totally
Why dont we make corn burgers?
Seriously
Yeah?
Yes
No
Every few weeks we have the same conversation. Oscar Yeah? Can I pawn off stuff from the office and sell it on eBay? Umm no
I know you have gambling debts.
Promise me you will not take out a small business loan and use that money to pay off your bookie.
You got the loan?
Good luck.
All I had this weekend to eat was a chicken breast and a case of Diet Coke.
OK.   Stanley
Hey
Also -- and no pressure -- the teacher? Hes a catch.
Im gay!
Whats the joke?
Oh
Im messing with you
OK.
Yes
OK.
Oh!
So how was your date?
Oh my God
Because its your making-fun-of-fat-people character.
I think of him as more like... a monster? What about
How was Friday night?
Hell call.
I thought you were already engaged.
That isnt ethics. Ethics is a real discussion of the competing conceptions of the good. This is just the corporate anti-shoplifting rules.
Exactly
Pass.
Ok
Why do we have to pay money to get a gift for his ex-girlfriends unborn sperm bank baby?
Shes got an Orbit  thats a twelve hundred dollar stroller.
Me too.
Great
How does that even compare?
I dont want to talk. I want my laptop back.
So
100 dollars.
Whoa. Awesome.
Here.
Im good.
Andy brought one too.
I made egg salad sandwiches. Do you want one?
Ill check us in.
Im probably going to leave after one drink.
Nice to meet you.
Yes.
Michael
How do you even know theyre gay?
Dont do this.
What are you doing?
If you dont mind me asking---
Okay.
Its just that Ive sat next to Angela for a very long
How could anyone stand that woman?
What do you see in her? Wh -- what do you see in Angela?
I want to know.
You havent had s*x?
Y--Are you guys waiting to get married
Andy
Id like to know. You should call her and ask her. Id like to know whats wrong with her.
Do it! Its a--- Call her!   Oh my God
Why wont you do Andy?
Hey.
Yeah
Hey
I cant believe we called her up.
Im talking about Angela. I cant believe we called her up last night.
You--- you call--- you called her.
Alright.
Okay.
Good morning
Mmm...
What is first base with Angela?
I had a good time too.
Thank you.
No.
To whoever made the microwave mess : the microwave is a shared kitchen appliance. By not cleaning it up you are basically telling whoever follows that their time is less valuable
No kidding.
The note. So holier than thou.
Here are our final actual costs for this year.
As you can see
Alright
Right there.
You can see clearly on this page that we have a surplus of $4300.
But we have to spend that by the end of the day or it will be deducted from next years budget.
Your mommy and daddy give you ten dollars to open up a lemonade stand. So you go out and you buy cups and you buy lemons and you buy sugar. And now you find out that it only costs you nine dollars.
So you have an extra dollar.
So you can give that dollar back to mommy and daddy
And you ask them for money
We have to spend that $4300 by the end of the day or itll be deducted from next years budget.
We should spend this money on a new copier
No
Now listen
Pam
So Michael
Michael?
Im just gonna grab some lunch. You wanna come with?
Stop it! Michael.
The best. Great friends. Thank you
Thats the original.
Do you know?
I think you know.
Does anyone happen to know what 15% of 4300 is?
Whyd you say dollars?
Whats 15% of 200?   Thank you. Everyone
Youre gonna get us a copier then?
Michael
You are a smart guy. I know youll do the right thing.
Hey
I just figured Id rather have new chairs than nothing at all.
Were back on the 5th
What about February 2nd?
Now? Its our Christmas party.
Do you know how to do an intervention?
Where did you get this?
Thirty-one is humanly impossible.
Thats impossible.
What is wrong with you? She is engaged.
Are you serious? Ugh. Where?   Where?   Where
That was good... Its just
There you go.
You said that yesterday.
This is nuts.
Mm-mm. Its 4:10
The Prius is silent if he keeps it under five miles per hour. He deserves the win.
Kevin
See that
Thats the thing about debating
Ah! My hand! Thats hot!
Stay alive! Im getting help!
Youre too heavy!
Michael are you serious? You really want us to roast you?
Thats offensive.
I consider myself a good person. But Im gonna try to make him cry.

Alright Kevin. Enough with the Michael jokes. I think he got it bad enough yesterday.
That reeks
Michael
Wow.
Oh
Two?
Angela
Whered you get that kind of money?
You have your cats on Nanny-Cam?
It could be snacks
Wha-
Good God!


Is she cleaning the cat with her tongue?  Angela licks cat
I have no idea.
I want to get that image out of my head. The psychological issues that go behind licking a cat
TV.
I dont think so.
I cant.
Do you risk telling him how you feel? Do you say something that you can barely admit to yourself?
I was stupid
He told me he wasnt gay.
Im not done yet.
Yeah
Angela
Hes on one of his honeymoons.
He made non-refundable deposits on his honeymoons
Why do you always go to that? Has anyone ever been after anyone in this office?
Its possible.
We can stay a little longer.
Come on
Ten percent?
Theyre our largest client.
Its gonna hurt.
They can.
Yes
Michael
These arent announcements.
Do you have specifics?
At least he is in the building.
I love a good quitting story. It makes me feel like I have control over my own life. Gives me hope. Maybe I will have one of own someday.   But I dream... so...
Thats a lot.

You put a note in my food?
Just to say sterile doesnt make it so.
Do you have a business plan? A funding request? Market research
You need those things. Most new businesses
Five years?
Its just not prudent Michael.
I cant believe this is really happening.
And just like that. As mysteriously as he arrived
Phyllis
Use it in a sentence.
Try another sentence.
I dont know but it sounds like the rundown is really important.
Why dont you just ask him--
What have you been doing?
Nothing. I didnt say anything.
Im sorry youre offended by my shoes
No.
I dont think so.
Meredith
Please dont refer to yourself as our daddy.
Is this our punishment for not wanting to have lunch with you?
What happened to Phyllis?
You invited someone?
Ive been here 8 years and Ive never...   Rude.
Settle down gentlemen.
Dwights right. Corporate deserves to get its ass kicked.
Do you guys need to do this here? This is a public area.
I bet theres something there. I was with them in the kitchen yesterday
I did. Yes.
What?
Are you attracted to other men?

If you resisted Brad Pitt a little bit
Wow. I wish... I wish I could help you. I dont... you might be gay. You might be gay.
What exactly is my responsibility here? To comfort insecure heterosexual men? That cant possibly fall to me.
What? You think Im the voice of the Taco Bell dog?
Michael
You wanted to see me?
Yeah sure.
Is everything okay?
Im sure everything will be fine.   What do you? Whats the procedure
Okay.
Oh my God.
Yeah.
Look
Thank you
Excellent question
Well?
Hold on
Exactly!
We work just as hard as the sales people. We deserve raises.
We would just like to know whats happening. Are we getting a raise
Again
Just--
What the hell?!
Someone please explain it to Kevin.
Pleased to meet you.
You thought I was dating this? What the hell is wrong with you?
Him? Him?
You owe me and apology.
Its not a good idea. Theres no such thing as a good hairpiece.
Oh...
What are you doing?
How long do you take to pee?
Guys
Hey guys
For the record
Uhh. All right
Pam and Jim are on their honeymoon. So theres not the usual balance between sane and others. Toby has mentally checked out since June. Its a very dangerous time. The coalition for reason is extremely weak.
What? What?
Its
No
Jim? Its Oscar. Im so sorry to be calling you on your honeymoon.
Its Michael
Pam
Youre right. Youre right.   Oh
Why would you cancel Jims credit cards?
This constitutes identity fraud.
Whats that supposed to mean?
Why would I love jail?
Accounting-wise
Just- no. No.
Just to be clear
Hold on
You have no sense of boundaries Michael.
Maybe youre right
Hey.
Pam
My mothers in a wheelchair.
Jim
Dont you mean Koi Story?
Oh my. That is small.
Can you breathe okay?
When is the funeral?
Kevin.
How can we not watch this?
It starts on its own. Let it -
Oh. Did - did you see that?
Jim
Jim
Andy bought lunch.
Its not a fight. What other outcome could there be?
How? He cant hit back.
I found the article.  everyone walks over to his desk
Not necessarily
Or it could mean the end of Dunder Mifflin.
Its my blackberry Michael
I just got an email from corporate
Well
This plantation
Youre not gonna answer the phone?
Not again.
The long term problem is bad investments that they need to dump. The short term problem is the company has no cash and theres no where to get it.
Those are the bullet points.
Thats as simple as I can make it.
This is so typical of management to spend money on this. Ugh. Bunch of boobs.
The Dunder Mifflin stock symbol is DMI. Do you know what that stands for? Dummies
Can you believe this? The money they spent on this convention hall.   Excuse me
Oh
These questions are bush league.
Ummm...
Ok
Um..
I feel
I think this has gone very well and I thank you.
Michael
What?
For me.
You - Oscar walks away
Sure.
Are you kidding me?
Hey
They finally let you do it!
Thats funny.
Thats too funny.
There he is.
Is Matt around? I got his check.
Ah
Ill just leave it here with you.  drops checks
Who?
Is it that obvious?   No- hey...
Okay Pam.
Nice to meet you Mark!
Right
I think you dont know what youre saying.
I think we can do it.
Right? Mm. Did we try printer first? Shredder at an angle -
Fax
But I banked six weeks.
Michael. Reading.
The Atlantic.
I should step into sales myself.
Sabre has no caps on commissions. He can make a lot more money in sales.
Manual.
What are we
Thats fancy feast. Ultra feast is something they made up so they can pig out together in the name of ceremony.
The hospital provides dictionaries
Congratulations. Thats great.
I have a question.
In the training manual it says
Im in.
No! No
Way to go
Essentially
You okay? You okay
Hey. Matt
I always come in at 7.
Well... Hey
Yeah.
Yeah
Hey
You know what we havent done in a while? Happy hour. Upstairs
Didnt we? I think we did.
Yeah
So happy hour.
All right.
So what do you think?
I know.
I couldnt understand a word he said.
Maybe youre right. I should count myself lucky.
There he is! Hey
Sure. Hoops!
Hoop it up
Thank you. It didnt even take that long.
Thank you.
Yes.
Erin? I think were out of fax cover sheets.
Sounds like they just got to go home with pay.
Why didnt you do Oscar the Grouch?
El telefono.
Michaels having a hard time with the gender part of Spanish. So I told him to mark everything with the international symbol for gender. And
Your office is full of genitalia.
Thats what he says?
I dont see how we could possibly sell these for that little without losing money. Delivery alone will cost...
Actually
Michael
Dwight
Its not a signal. Its just a coincidence. No
That seems... quick. Even for lesbians.
All that does is help you shoot around things. What does Bin Laden...
Why would you throw something wet at me?
How can you live with yourself?
Whats number one?
The lawyers are searching our hard drives for information on the leak. Thanks a lot
The coffees supposed to be here at 9.
He messed yours up to.
Michael
This is hypothetical. Were talking about Luke who happens to be terrible.
If theres nothing wrong with this
Ah
Oh sure
Yep
Office Administrator. So when did this happen?
Yeah
Totally
Great.
$50
Thats great.
Maybe something not so monochromatic. Not so matching.
It was an amateur production
I dont even wanna know these things!
Andy
Why would you choose a pencil Andy?
What is this about?
Yes!
What?
We were never lovers!
Huh?
I love cycling. Andy
Yes
Yeah.
Yes.
No
Oh...
You are busy! Were in a meeting!
Its pandering. And it makes me think you think Im stupid.
That sounds fake.
Okay.
All right. I can do that. Then what?
Okay.
Meredith
Como estas
Its hard to judge ourselves accurately
So what kind of statement are you making with that costume
Everyone realizes that this coupon book isnt actually worth fifteen thousand dollars
Thats a great name. Youre hilarious. A plus!
Guys? Youre arguing over a one in sixteen chance. Over a prize worth... forty bucks.
I guess you could say Im still in costume. Im a rational consumer.
Stupid coupon booklet. Have you seen my costume? Im a rational consumer.
I present to you the   rational consumer
ERIN!
Why do we have to do something together? I volunteer at a clinic on my own time.
Michael. Get off the bus.
noise on TV
You know what? I didnt read the rules
Jim what are you doing?
Flip it back please.
Go to the recorded version.
What?!
This is why Erin! Were living it! Start recording now!
Did you ever think of WUPHF as an emergency notification system
Whats your money situation?
Sure
Bankruptcy?
How long do you think a week is?
Actually
Michael
Come on Michael. You can...
Where are you getting this information?
Guys its not worth it really. Guys this is not worth our time.
Great. I was wrong. Im wrong. Is everyone happy?
Funny Jim. That is funny.
What is it?
Alright. Alright I get it.
Thats print.
Hes... hes not smarter than me
Hey Michael.
I was thinking about some of the stuff you said earlier about China.
Id love to talk more about it.
Maybe over some coffee later?
Michael
We have missiles too.
Actually
Do you really think that manufacturing is a relevant indicator of where the world economys heading in 2011? Do you know the comparative expansion of say the information sector? Id say thats far more relevant. Wouldnt you?
Dont worry about the coffee
Michael
What?
Whats your point.
Thats not.
That wasnt what we were discu... That wasnt the whole...
Heres a question nobodys asking : Is this worth it?
Why?
State senator.
Who are you dating in the public arena?
Well...
Why would someone hug you?
Senator
Robert seems great. Hes very handsome
Merry Christmas to you.
A real David and Goliath story.
Ill make it. What are you drinking.
I dont know how to make that.
Whos the senator?
Oh
Ill get him water.
It means youre playing someone whos going to destroy you. Why did you play moo?
Okay
A triple word.
Or moon.
Shes stuck on that one thing.
A little treat for our old friend Gabe. Put that q right there.
Put the q there
Put the q there!   Sorry I yelled.
Theres no theater in that.
Well...
We got it! Wow! We got it!
Yes
Ah. No!    . Although I must say
Yes.
You know what Ryan
Which on in particular?
You suppose?
Im suppose to be wearing red gloves but my color cartridge portal
Ok. I got one.
Yes!
Irony is such a critical...
Wow.
Pam
Thats tasteless
Tasteless.
Whos is it? Who wrote that?

The numbers are correct

I jus... I just need a signature.
Yes! The freaking PDA!
Thank you! I mean
Yes
So happy. Yeah.
Kevin!
Are you guys listening to this?
Not occasionally. All the time.
Good.
Just leave it how you said...
Okay
Are you kidding? I wasnt trying to break you guys up.
Go on. Kiss each other already.
I just told them to do it!
Hey
Huh... muffled screaming as he slowly chokes
Michael hows this supposed to work? Packers gonna keep saying terrible things
No. Everybody assumes I am. I always get them as gifts.
Shes the one.
Wanna know how to do it? Heres how you do it. Take her out to dinner. Go down on one knee. If you are in costume
What... Ryan
No.
Where was that.
Will you marry me?
Michael is leaving. And apparently theyve already hired a new manager. And were meeting him today. Its a lot to process. Paperwork wise.
You wanted to talk to us Deangelo?
Well
Michael
Michael

Try Jim DeAngelo
The analytical part of me wants to examine it
I forgive you for kissing me!
Toby is shaking his head
Come on Toby.
Thank you Michael. Its beautiful.
State Senator.
Brava!
Oh Michael! Where do you want your last pay check sent?
You have an address yet in Colorado?
What town do Hollys parents live in?
These sound like good ideas
No thank you.
My God. There is a hardwood floor underneath this carpeting. Why would they do that?
Ill look on WebMD. What are your symptoms?
Firewall.
Could you turn the volume down on the beeping?
Angelas engaged to a gay man. As a gay man
Pam... I think Robert is gay.
So!?
I have a very strong suspicion.
What bathhouse?
confused
My friend at the Scranton Blade is totally plugged into these matters.
Youre thinking of another group. Much wealthier
No. Why would we be talking about the Senator?
Is there a front runner?
Well
Well...
Are you?
You have met a lesbian in real life
Youre right. Youre right. She seems happy. We dont tell her.
Erin
Okay.
I dont think he meant
Go ahead.
Can I say...?
I think it should be Darryl.
Kellys on your side.
Oh
Planking is a very stupid and dangerous trend. Basically
Cultural ghetto? Totally- totally agree.
Good night Andy.
No
Hes fine.
Hes making a statement. Its an ironic comment on our expectations of him. A funhouse image of our model of Kevin.
...C-SPAN?
Let me call you back.
We dont get it.
Really?
Can you believe this?
You cant leave a dog in a parked car.   Snowboarder
I bet this guy didnt leave his weed in the car. OK we have to do something because this is incredibly dangerous.
This guys been gone long enough. Hes lost his right to a window.
Come on buddy
And one for good measure!  Busts out taillight
Why would we take the dog?
Jim
Shh! Shh! Stay there
There we go. That should do it.
What really interests me is the group dynamic of six people winning the lottery. This will not end well. Right?
At least.
Really
Of course. I would. But my hip....I would kill to be at a hundred percent.
Bulk or definition?
Bruce Kenwood. He hangs out at Plant Fitness.
Oh
It used to be Reggie Winters out at Golds Gym. But he moved away. And then it was between Bruce and this guy Dean. Um
Its really not.
Andy
Andy
Wow.
Technically FOR Robert California. Hes our CEO.
Guess we found Andys rosebud.
Its a reference to Citizen Kane. Something that explains why a person became the way they are.
Different school of thought. Lets just agree to disagree.
Narddog.
I always wondered what kind of people went on that thing.
What happened
Mummies are real. There are mummies at museums.
Hey guys. Im an Oscar   liar   weiner.
cuts back to a Happy Birthday cake gushing blood when cut into
There is no story.
Where is this from? That is so upsetting!
Theres an easy way to tell if this device is a sham. We just make a mistake. Ill send an order down to shipping before weve received payment.
When the stakes are this high
Mhm. Six-forty
Nuh uh.
Five eighty-eight plus fifteen percent- Oh no.
Andy.
Dwight be human for once. Shut down the machine.
Why havent we heard anything? Its 4:45. Theres only 15 minutes left.
I made a mistake. Im sorry.
Its not that funny.
He stopped it!
Yeah aesthetically speaking she adds a nice presence.
No
Pam you look more beautiful now than ever.
In this case yes.
Its not fair
Good luck!
Actually it is the northernmost.
Dwight
Stop filling her head with nonsense
Really? Why dont you tell us the real history
hes a historian.
Yes
Yes!
Argh!
What?
Erin-
I apologize for my friend and for the Republicans who are cutting your funding.
Dwight – this is one of the archivists here. I thought maybe we could consult him.
Yeah.
Youve heard about it?
Wow. This is so much better than the story you made up.
Youre right. There should be a monument to this.
Are you really comfortable standing there? I tried one of those and I just never hit the sweet spot.
All I need is another gym. As if I dont have enough drama.
Whos spotting who? Dont use the bike in the corner. Thats Bruces. Jeremy says...
Andy
How mean are we talking about?
Thats Gerald.
Yeah
He did it himself.
Oh
Its not that kind of ladle.
Ah
Kevin?
Yes!
Wow.
Who did this? Who did this? Do you know who did this?
No!
Thats no accident.
What?
What? I havent bar tended in forever. Oh
Dwight.
You really have to say oh yeah every time you eat a candy bar?
Andy
Gosh
Andy
Aw...
Im leaving early today because tonight I have a trivia contest in Philadelphia.
Any other crunch time
Its only the biggest night of trivia of the year. Theres a thousand dollar prize. Im committed to my friends
I dont believe this. What are you doing here
What? No!
And you guys thought this was a good idea?
Yes! Its a gay bar! So you guys want to go home now?
What does this say about you? That you followed me here? That you think youre going to win your sales quota? At a gay bars trivia night?
Good luck.
Salman Rushdie.
rings bell
No! Come on!
Oh
Kevin
That was you
Holy cow!
How many bottles? Three hundred?
Toby! Chateau Margaux ninety-five. You know your wine.
To the kitchen!
Toby
Okay
To both these bears.
Toby! I am Bacchus
Well no one won the pool. Angela wasnt due for another month.
Well Kevin and I have to go
We all got the email
Guys
Knock
We wanted to say hi to the newest little Dunder Mifflinite.
Kevin!
Wow
Oh yeah
Again
This baby is clearly not premature. Theyre lying about the date it was conceived. Its very interesting. And her husbands gay. I dont even know which thread to follow.
Honestly
The only premature baby in this room is the baby this baby ate.
Angela.
I knew that
Chicken marsala.
Mm-hmm.
Dwight. Hey.
He went to the car or something
Dont you want to see the baby?
I promised I wouldnt tell.
Angela got pregnant before the wedding.
She got pregnant before the wedding.
A month.  Dwight leaves
Angela
It just feels like a slap in the face.
Were not questioning his reasons. I just wanna know what they are.
...Andy.
Can we see that? Did you really find it?
Hey
Hey
Its maddening!
Exactly. Thats just like crate training. All night long
Like her genes are so important. The world just needs more Pam/Jim DNA. Thank you
Un-be-liev-a-ble.
Andy.
Order reference number 00983-126.
Jamaican
Terrific.
Good job Andy.
How can we feel safe knowing that there are gangs here? We should call the police right now!
Why are you fixated on this hypothetical transgendered attacker?
Youve gotta be kidding me.
No
With all due respect we know what were defending against: a twelve year old female bully.
You guys
When the team left for Tallahassee
I am dying to know whats in there.
We knew. Ryan told us.
I remember when that balloon went up there. I was still with Gil. We were so happy.
Pam
Actually
What does that mean?
Shes always late
Yeah.
Listen to this.
Were in far too deep. We cant change course at this point.
What I mean to say is we dont want to.
Plus everyone would know who you meant.
To Nellie Bertram
Pam
Yeah.
Times almost up. How many are left?
Nellie
What is this?
Oh come on
Oh
Ryan
It says here this Smokey Robinson dead thing was a hoax. Its on CNN as of two minutes ago.
Whats going on?
my dog Gerald is my life.
This confirms three things: Im right about the senator
I stumbled into a very dramatic situation. Angelas husband just hit on me!
I know!
We were talking about animals
Well
Jim shakes Senators hand
This is interesting.
He does not think Jims gay. A gay man would not leave the house wearing those shoes.
sorry about what? Theres nothing to be sorry about here.
No. Im certainly not disappointed that Angelas husband was not hitting on me. Id have to be a monster to root for that. A lonely
Nice to see you again
okay
why does this always happen to me? Ahh! I just feel so bad for Angela
Why did Binghamton close?
Hello. My names Oscar. Im an accountant in Scranton
No
No matter how hard it gets for you
Do you not own a mirror?
Okay
Its not misleading.
In any case
What?
David Wallace hasnt worked here in years.
Senator Lipton. Hey
Um
That piece doesnt go there.
No
Those guys always change back
Definitely no.
But your mouth is ble—
You know what? I will take Comstock.
Ill come by after work and pick him up.
Cest la vie.
Yeah. Good news
Next question for our oldie-weds-
Pams first celebrity crush.
Then why are we talking about her looks? Why not her credibility? Or her reliability?
Im so sorry
Does Erin have any experience? Has she taken any journalism classes
Im just saying
Well
Andy! Andy! No! I would be very polite today.
Your connection. To Michelle Obama has certain... negative connotations. Most likely
The difference is
Your familys rich! I have to believe that a big part of the Bernard fortune was earned on the backs of slaves.
Really?
Is this like a blooper reel?
What was that? That was just a normal video with you making vulgar noises.
It stands for electromagnetic field. Generally cause by a concentration of wiring in one area   Especially if theyre poorly insulated. Dwight.
No six after the eight
Shh!
Six.  Pete opens air vent over Angela
Hold on
What if it were salads?
Dwight!
Whoa! Whoa! Dwight!
What?
I dont know what youre talking about.
Kevin
Role call.
Senator Lipton
Actually Im the electoral college.
I
Can you guys come with me for a minute?
I know you saw me with the Senator. I think Im in love
Kevin
Can you do this
I dont know what that means. Hey
Perfect.
Kevin!
That actually wasnt the worst cover. Id say at least once a week
Thats a tough one.
Im in big trouble.
Its clearly not an accounting mistake.
So...
Well
I hope thats it
Guys? Excuse me. Um
Oh
Those figures I gave you? Theyre false.
I was mad at Kevin
Yes
What are you talking about? I just did this now.
Sure.
Thats gotta be tough.
Well
No.
You know what? Im sorry. I overreacted. Because Im stressed out. Why am I stressed out? Whos not stressed out? Whos not stressed out? Who-
U..s..a. U-
I have to say Im impressed with Kevin. Uh
Hi.
More like fall cleaning.
This doesnt... Im sorry. Wha... what?
I literally have nightmares in which what just happened happens. I wake up in a sweat. And then I make Angelas husband spoon me back to bed.
Oh
Angela
I just never heard about the senator and yoga...
From you. Im sure its probably nothing. But whats with the yoga already?
And Blake! All right Angela
Angela
Angela!   Angela. There.
On the stairs. Stay calm. Stay down. Oh
Shes repositioning his hips for downward facing dog.
Whoa
Whoa
Just wait. Just a minute. Just watch.
Please. Its Robert whos enjoying it.
This could be the affair that youre scared of. Politicians are wonderful liars. You never know who they really are.   But uh
I dont know
Hes making a phone call.
phone vibrates
Yesterday
Good morning.
Of course
Yes
Its the stupid thermostat! That thing is a catastrophe. So Im gonna
No
She doesnt know. I shouldnt be surprised. This is a woman who married a man who is obviously a homosexual. Basically
I brought you a cookie.
I just gave her a cookie
What?
What are you doing?
Oh
I dont know what youre talking about.
I got it.
What the hell
you are incorrigible!
You hired someone to hit me with a pipe!
What-- what I did was wrong
Angela
Angela
Aah!
Im so sorry. Angela--
Yeah
I didnt realize how many of Angelas opinions I agreed with
Just take her name off of everything.
How would anyone even know--
This is a real thing. Belsnickel is a crotchety
His partner
Ow! You hit people with that thing?
Pam
I wash my hands at least six times a day. Toilet seat covers? Yes
I can appreciate that. I also only eat local
Wow.
Youre a saint
Yeah
Angela.
Angela rinsing Oscars hair
Youre waterboarding me!
I guess so.
Hey
My friend has one of these. Fool-proof espresso every time.
Actually
Try this one.
You guys
YOLO!
Its a thing. It means you only live once.
Well...
Yes!
Thats enough Kevin.
Thats enough!
Its insane! They need to have the A.C. on year round! January too!
Everyone! Now that we have all this energy
Huh?
One
Wait!   Its beautiful. Hardwood! I always knew it was down here
Kevin
Everybody shut up and work!
Kevin
Annex. It must open something in the annex.
What?
Aw.
Loyalty pledge?
People
Ill watch it. Lets get this over with.
Oh.
User error. Ive heard of that happening to other people.
Just – I dont wanna make assumptions based on peoples physical appearances.
Yeah
Angela. Youre going to find out
He said he wanted me there for support.
Angelas husband and I are in love. But
Pam
I was politely saying nothing can be done. I thought I was clear.
That painting is just... How can anyone that weighs less than a guinea hen be so terrifying?
One of his tee shots can wipe out a whole owl population.
Yeah.
Maybe I should be insulted that he only invited me here to be his token Mexican friend. But
He put me here.
Ow! Robert?!
Yes. Sorry about that.
Darryl
All right
Hi. Wed like a couples discount on a pair of foot massages.
We are together. Romantically.
What happened? We thought you were coming back tomorrow.
So
A quarters three months. Thats how long youve been gone.
Youre clearly snooping.
Thats her private property.
Andy. That is her private property.
You could all be doing this
I watch way too many ads online and I dont do enough situps. So I bought these. Now
Ill tell you why. Because...the floor...is...disgusting. Yeah
Can someone please help me?
Just- People! Im not going anywhere. Soon
Oh
Im so sorry
I get red dirt. Nobody is getting red dirt. I shouldve kept my mouth shut. Were not even that close. Ive only known Dwight... 12 years. 12 years. Time is a son of a bitch.
You invited me. You threw the red dirt in my face.
Who is that?
You have a brother?
Theyre a descriptive people.
Who is that?
Dwight has a sister?
Shes beautiful.
Thats it for me.
Toby
Theres a promo for the new documentary on the web.
Hey guys
Dumpster Man.
Three PM Girl
It looks like the camera man was hiding behind the shelves.
Are you kidding me? Its like half the show is secret footage.
Meredith!
Yes
Im sorry sweetie. This whole thing is just freaking me out.
I have been very honest with you guys. In a way that could seriously impact the political career of a very good friend of mine. Youre not going to use any of that
Ok everyone
They caught us kissing on Halloween.
Oh!
Angela! Well he kissed like Jack Kennedy!
Well
You call him!
Stop hitting me!
No!
Oh you?
Hey
Hey.
Um the documentarys going to be airing soon
Very much so.
Absolutely.
Hey
I think thats it!
Done!
Ok!
Our office has an unusually large number of... unusually large people.
So when something as routine as elevator maintenance happens
What?
The Office: An American Workplace airing on PBS next month is a documentary following the employees of Scrantons own Dunder Mifflin Paper Company!
He knew!
You did it
What?!
Why wouldnt you use your own life? Erin just dumped you.
But you just!
Is everything ok?
Thats—thats awful
Angela
I cant say we didnt see it coming. But its a sad day when anybody is fired. Were so sorry
No
Hey
Good night
Tents? Are you thinking of going camping? I thought you found nature vulgar.
Wait a minute. Youre not thinking of living in a—
Okay
Come stay with me.
I do. Yes. Not forever. But until you get back on your feet. Which wont be long. Its the least I could do.
Separate bathrooms.
Youre welcome. Lets go get Phillip. Then well get your stuff...
And get you the hell outta that place.
Oh
No
Angela
I know. I understand more than most
Angela
Angelas divorce from the senator has been very difficult for her. When she got kicked out of her apartment
Saddle shoes. With denim? I will literally call child services.
Why?
Hi
I cant believe the doc is finally going to air. When this thing started
Why didnt you pack the apple snacks?
Seriously
Did we ever have lunch together
Here
He just wont go down. Its as if hes excited by all this paper.
Listen
Well
Hey. Did you manage to feed him? I dont know what it is. He just keeps spitting out the nipple.
Hey
Okay
I think theres
Sure.
Easy.
Hey
No horseplay.
Ok
All right
See you there.
Yay! I am gonna drop Phillip off at my mothers
She doesnt know Im living with a straight woman. I dont want to get her hopes up.
Oh
One thing we do know
Ooh.
Years ago
Thats the reason Kevin got fired. Its his magic number. He used to use it to balance his accounts. He used to call it a Keleven. He told Dwight
Youre back?
Whoo
Yeah!
They wanted me to go to the bachelorette party with the girls. Really? Such a cliché. Im a man. So Im going to the bachelor party with the boys. I just have to remember how I acted before I came out.
WASSUUUUP!
Yeah
Well
Is that a volunteer program or...
If you want her to leave
What is that?
Thank you David.
You take something ordinary
Why do you say that?
Yeah
Youre not gay.
I bet its gonna be me. Probably gonna be me.
Hey.
Sure.
No.
Stop...
Kevin! Thats inappropriate.
Its ridiculous. Did you talk to him?
You let him walk all over you. Its just pathetic.
Nothing
What about the surprise?
What?
No
What color do you guys think?
I think green is kind of whoreish.
Merediths allergic to dairy
No
Phyllis wanted red
Has anyone seen the first-aid kit?   How many times have I told you? Im the safety officer
Youre ahead.
This is a cold pack...
I dont like to necessarily touch things. Im just... Im shopping.
Yeah
Gray. Dark Gray. Charcoal.
No.
Email forwards.
I hate them. You send me these filthy emails and you say forward them to ten people or youll have bad luck.
You play that.
I do play games. I sing and I dangle things in front of my cats. I play lots of games. Just not at work.
Im sure.
I have one
I call it Pam Pong. I count how many times Jim gets up from his desk and goes to reception to talk to you.
Apparently.
Okay! Everybody!
Do not panic!
Safety partners.
Do not panic.
Go in single file lines.
Arms at your sides! Arms at your sides!
Go
Alright
Come on
Youre safety partners!
The Bible.
A Purpose Driven Life.
No.
The DaVinci Code!
I would take The DaVinci Code... so I could burn The DaVinci Code.
My name is Angela.
You cant go in yet!
Yeah.
Yes.
You know
Yeah.
But we dont keep two sets of books.
Well
... that has three people...
... doing the work that could be done by two.
Those arent chips and dip.
Uh!
Im just trying to figure out why youre sabotaging things.
And I made cookies. Same category.
What about the Halloween party?
Have you signed the expense reports yet?
Michael
This is illegal.
I actually look forward to performance reviews. I did the youth beauty pageant circuit. And I enjoyed that quite a bit. I really enjoy being judged. I believe I hold up very well to even severe scrutiny.
Dont talk about it. Office romances are nobodys business but the people involved.
Sometimes you talk to us real close.
Well
Its hard.
I know.
Hi.
Its ok.
No. Are we supposed to?
Hmm...   Excuse me.
Im just leaving for the day.
Charity. Bake drive.
No!
No
I got sap on me.
Im a vegetarian.
Guh.
I think its alright. Jesus drank wine.
Is there anything were missing? Phyllis
Well see.
Fifty.
Will you help me?
It sounds mean.
Michael should have asked the party planning committee first. Hes not supposed to just spring things on us out of nowhere.
Ill take the poster. Some people like these.
What is that?
There should be some ..
Hey
Its alright.
What is wrong with you?
Hey!
He needs to go right now
I
Hes out sick.
I agree its unacceptable.
This is from Hooters.
Did Toby approve this?
Its nobodys business
We havent finished getting things in order from your last visit.
Were you?
Really?
Ive seen some of your spreadsheets.
Im not gaining anything from this seminar. Im a professional woman. The head of accounting. Im in the healthiest relationship of my life. I just think its insulting that Jan thinks we need this. And
Are you married?
At least you dont have kids. You have no kids
Really? I wouldnt know anything about that
I didnt get anything for Valentines Day.
Really? Well
Nothing for me?
Are we out of jobs?
The very best of luck to you
I am just feeling under the weather. And... I think that I will go home and rest.
Well
Can you put that down there?
No. Thanks. Wed... have to explain everything
I guess I wouldnt mind a pair of small
You know
One thirty.   Im sorry
No. This is a closed door meeting.
You dont know its going to be okay. Dont give him false hope. ...Its probably nothing
Bologna? I dont eat bologna.
No.
No.
Oh. Thank you.
What are--- its... the party planning committee.
Fine.
Yes...   but dont expect any cookie.
No cookie.
No one cares about your birthday. Kevins waiting to hear if he has skin cancer.
I understand.

I dont take any prescription drugs.

No
Do you want to give Michael your urine?
Youre not going to get my permission on this.
I didnt get mine yet.
Can we go? I have a lot of work to do.
Can we just skip to whatever number 5 is - win/win or whatever?
I got this poster for Christmas
Thats... no...
How about
But
Oh. Thanks.
It was hand delivered. But
You already did me.
Yes
What?
You have to pick an approved
We are giving money that has been gambled. Why dont we just deal drugs or prostitute ourselves
Good evening
Then roll an eight.
Good luck
Theres about $3
It is not an accounting error.
It is not an accounting error. Well
Michael said to stop by on your way out.
Are we absolutely sure its not an accounting error?
Me
Thats a very nice watch
Ive never seen it before. He must have died very recently.
Were missing $3
I knew it.
You dont use it to buy refrigerators
So
Its better to be embarrassed by the truth now
Idiot. Now we dont have the element of surprise. Its impossible to trap her
Oh
You didnt take any money at all? Youre sure?
Wed appreciate your cooperation if you find out who did it.
Really
All right. Who should we ask next?
Can we focus
It had to have been someone.
Yeah
Roy wouldnt do it.
He wouldnt do it. He has too much character.
I do not. That is inaprobable... inappropriate.
Stop it! Stop it right now!
Kevin...
Kevin
Kevin
Well
We dont know that.
It obviously isnt Dwight because he has the most integrity of anyone in the office.   What? Did you talk to Kelly?
Fine. Ill write it.
No.
Fine. Ill supervise.
The date should be right-justified.   Right-justified
To whom it may concern? Really
Thank you
We are missing $3
Okay. Yeah.
You gambled petty cash?
Thats not the point. How are we supposed to believe you didnt take the other $3
My friend gave it to me.
Diane... Chester... Snydburgh.
Well
All right
Yeah
You dont have a watch?
You cant look at the clock up there?
I think people should be self-sufficient.
You know
Thank you.
Okay
Its not supposed to be fun. ...Again
Dont touch anything. Youll leave fingerprints.
Stop that.
Receipts maybe. Any evidence he took the money. Or something worth $3
Im gonna go on his computer.
Put it back
Okay
Last eight transactions are to Jacks Joke and Magic Shop.
Paying his electric bill.
Well
Hey
Well
We asked her. She said she didnt do it.
I believe she didnt do it. Are you doubting me?
How did he afford that new waterbed hes always bragging about?
Thats not true.
Well
You did? Where?
Excuse me?
Well
Absolutely not.
Oh...
Very well. Case closed.
It explains so much.
Sure
Watching some of your friends.
Judges and juries!
Sign.
But I dont understand. Its for managers.
I know! It... I was just really hoping we could spend some time together.   Are you still there?
Dont Monkey me! You cant wait to get out of here
In the Martin family
That was for per diem
That town is full of history!
Is there a key for Jane Doe? Thank you.
D?
I dont approve. I dont.
Kitchen.
Michael is going to get us all fired. You sat back and let him play that dumb movie
You know she has it out for him now.
Dwight
Its not up to Michael
Fine! Sit back and do nothing and let us all get fired!
I know that patience and loyalty are good
Congratulations Dwight.
Its really happening!
We can make a difference here.
You alone? Because I thought together we could---
Hi.
I do not wanna talk about this.
We really have a lot of work to do right now.
A dead bird should not be in the kitchen!
But...
Amen.
Sales take a long time.
Im sure Dwight will protect him.
Hes not weird
Youre a freak!
Dont go. They eat monkey brains.
How many gods do you have?
And that blue busty gal? Whats her story?
I find this incredibly offensive.
Well
I wish some of us still had our shoes on.
Im a vegetarian. What can I eat?
Ill just have some bread. You used your hands.
Dry. You look like you were having fun.
I have to watch our shoes so they dont get stolen. Who were you texting?
What about us
I dont want to blame anyone in particular. I think everyones to blame.
I dont want to go all the way to Dunmore.
No seafood.
Oh
No.
Yes!
Oh.
I do like it
Thank you.
Maybe thats because some people treat it like their own private Hooters strip club.
Jan
Look
Last week.
One of the Stamford people is a criminal?
Jan
Hmm.
Andy?
Sure. Lets protect the convicts. At the expense of the general feeling of safety in the workplace. As a 90-pound female that sits in an ill-lit
Do you really expect us to believe youre somebody else?
Dont encourage him
Phyllis
No
It would never work here.
No.
God help you.
These are all terrible ideas and none of them are on the theme of A Nutcracker Christmas. I think you should leave.
You tried this out
This shouldve been up yesterday.
What is that?   The Committee to Plan Parties invites you to a margarita-karaoke Christmas? Theres no such thing as the Committee to Plan Parties.
Well
Two hundred dollars.
No
Phyllis?
Pam
I have a very important announcement to make... about... your paychecks. Umm... Your paychecks will be arriving as scheduled on Friday. And they will be in the correct amount that they are normally in... Please stand by for a very important announcement... refer..  for further regarding your paycheck!
I need to know if I can start the party?
Did Michael give you permission to do this?
Also
Welcome Hannah. You will not be disappointed.
I said you wouldnt be disappointed.
Meredith
No
Brownies. Cupcakes.
I dont back down. My sister and I used to be best friends
Try harder then.   Uh uh. No one has seconds until everyones had some.
Youve got to be kidding. {Kevin takes bite of brownie
Wheres Dwight?
Hey
You cant have it   I dont walk into your house and steal your Hello Kitty backpack.
Did you have fun at Benihanas?
Ive had the worse day here
Im not sure. Does your karaoke machine have Christmas songs?
Oh
Copy
singing
... Shall I play for you
I played my drum for Him
By the end of the day? Thats impossible.
Michael
OK
Did you try the petting zoo?
What?
They arrived this morning.
Is it a big deal? Is it Kevin?
Everything ok?
Thank you.   I... I dont want those.
Hey Pam. Would you like to go with me to grab a coffee?
Yeah
Ok.
This friend of mine - lets call her Noelle - she missed this deadline turning something in to Corporate in New York. But then this gallant gentleman - well call him Kurt - he drove all the way to New York and handed it in for her. Thats... I dont know. I guess he really just likes her a lot.
Yes
Thats great Pam. I like having these little moments with you. You know what? Sprinkles recently had kittens.
I would like to offer you the dominant male. His name is Ash.
Mmm-hmm.
Well then. Have a nice day.
How is going to be ok
I hate those two people more than anything in the entire world.
Dwight
Oscar.
Oscar? I have a question. Would you like to join the party planning committee?
Yeah.
No. No. Certain events have transpired. And Ive thought about certain things. And Im sorry for the way those certain events transpired.   And I would just like to make some changes about certain things and certain situations.
Thank you.
Never.
Yeah.
Oh.
No.
I wanted to let you know that Dwight was late that morning because he was driving to New York to drop off the correlated documents that I forgot to send. Though to be fair
Yes.
None of them. Especially not Andy.
Are you enjoying your fiesta?
Welcome back.
Nothing. You know this is a luncheon shower. Girls only.
Under no circumstance should a man strip off his clothes in this office.
Sparkling cider is very good.

Thank you.
Hi
Thank you. Dont linger. Break left. Left!
Congratulations
... Please dont let that stupid thing near me...
Poop is raining from the ceilings. Poop!
No thank you
You saw it? Describe it please.
Oh...
Well... good for Dwight.
What happened
Mm-hmm.
Goodness.
Youre useless.
Then whatd he do?
Dwight. Dwight. Ive been doing some very interesting reading.
Mm-hmm. Tales of bravery.
Mm-hmm. I was thinking tonight
This is just offensive.
Kellys training us?
I dont have a headache. Im just preparing.
Can you just tell us what we need to do so we can go?
Excuse me? Well
Where are you from? Ohio? Thats nice. So what do you want?   Hes upset about the watermark.
It was an unfortunate error. Were fixing it. And you already got your money back...
...and the company has already apologized
Kevin
Yeah
You two are apes.
Im sorry... that youre both morons.
I called you morons.
Phyllis. Youre a married woman.
What is so funny?
What a surprise.
And when we get mad
This is not work talk.
Malls are just awful and humiliating. Theyre just store after store of these horrible salespeople making a big fuss out of an adult shopping in a juniors section. There are petite adults who are sort of... smaller who need to wear... maybe a kids size 10.
Meredith
Thank you
OK. Im gonna be at the doll store.
Sometimes
Slower. Slower. Meredith.   Slow it up.
Everyone put on sunscreen.
What? What are you saying? Did you say sandwich?
I knew you were saying sabotage. I was giving you an example of it. I will misunderstand everything that Andy says until he goes insane.
What
I dont understand what you want from me.
Sorry! Bye
Im not going to talk through the fire after your disgusting feet have gone through.
Or Mrs. Outside Hire.
Why?
Wha? Who gave you that advice?
But you said you were in debt.
No Dwight
Not now.   Goodbye
How can she make you get back together with her?
I cant
Shes been sick for some time. Thank you for asking
I have to give her her meds
Theres bad blood
All right!
Hey D.
Can you do me a little favor? Go to my place at lunch and give Sprinkles her medicine.
I have to visit the alchy.
I wouldnt put it past her.
I wrote it out.
Theres a diabetes shot
No
Hey.
Any problems?
What!?
Sprinkles.
Uh-huh. But I thought she had more time.
Did she look... When you saw her how was she looking?

Alright.


Sprinkles never hurt a soul. God in your infinite wisdom how could you do this? She wasnt ready. She had so much left to accomplish.
You never... you dont like them.
Thats why were cursed.
This is Sprinkles.   She was my best friend. I kept her going through countless ailments. I asked Dwight Schrute to feed her once
Pssst. Im having relationship problems. And since youre always having relationship problems
I have this crazy thought
When I got home
Somethings not right. The vets doing an autopsy.
Did Roy ever kill one of your cats?

Shut up.
Oh
Im not depressed Im in grief.
No.
The vet is removing all of Sprinkles organs right now and sending them to the lab.
What does that mean?
You did kill her!?
You put her in my freezer.
Well then she barfed them up in the freezer and tried to get out.
You!
Its OK.
Its nothing.
How could you do that without telling me?
Cat Heaven is a beautiful place
You dont understand.
Dont touch me Dwight!
For the record
Its not a surprise to me. Pam is the office mattress.
What do you want?
Oh
Her name was Sprinkles.
I cant believe you just thought you could replace Sprinkles. Before shes even in the ground.
Dont rush me. Im grieving.
I dont want Garbage! I want Sprinkles!
Hello
Yes.
I would prefer a public place. See you after work.
Very much. Hows your meat?
I heard a joke today.
Yes
I cant do this. I cant be with you. Every time I look in your eyes I see Sprinkles stiff lifeless body.
Im sorry. I gave this everything I could.
I will leave your toothbrush on top of your tire tomorrow morning.
Thank you.
Is that all?
Elevators.
Dwight
Good.

Waste of time.
Waste of time. The websites going to win.
I dont care
I dont care
I wont be watching
Lunch party? Its supposed to say launch party! What is wrong with you?
I feel angry. Angry at you. Angry at you for doing something stupid. Angry at me for believing you could do something not stupid.
It is awful. Youve made this day awful!
Then it would say lanch party
Its supposed to say launch!
I care!
Plan a party
Is just looks bad.
I asked for assorted cutlery and I got back spoons. These are worthless.
Phyllis. These are spoooons. Spoons have rounded tops
Goodie.
Because theres a party! A party for the website Ive been planning for two weeks.
Stop it! Gimme that! Give it!
Theres still an hour.
I didnt ask you to do it for me.
How do you tell someone its over? You send them a notarized letter
Hello
Hey. Do you have any men that you can fix me up with? I would like to have a relationship with a man.
Let me know.
Thank you.
The party starts in an hour.
Beer
Something made of ice?
Pizza
Chocolates? Someone famous?
Cool music.
Confetti.
Go-Go dancers?
I cant do this.
I cant do it.
It should take no time at all if you put the care into it that you normally do.
Ow!
What?
I have been working on a party for three weeks that just got thrown out the window. So now Ive got to pull together a whole new party
I have to hang these.
I needed another hour
Thats why youre not in charge Meredith.
How did you
Will you help me put it over there?
Okay.
Ow! What are you doing?
I didnt ask you to scratch it.
Im not dating you.
I have to go clean up after the party.
What about my cherub figurine?
No I left it on my night table--- your night table
Fine.
You may ask me out to dinner. Nothing fancy or foreign
Thats not happening.
I find the mystery genre disgusting. I hate being titillated.
Jim
Yes. Kellys was last week
Its birthday month. Creeds is today. Oscars is week after next. Merediths is at the end of the month.   Michael usually goes with red and white streamers...
What?
I dont like it.
No. No way. I am not a machine
What am I supposed to do with two cakes and a pie?
No
What am I supposed to do with this?
Sometimes I think she holds on to faxes.
I dont know.
Another clue
Those arent helpful.
You shouldnt joke about that.
So you keep a very tidy house.
Ive noticed how you look at him at the office.
Yes
I hate beet salad.
The thought of popping one of your beets into my mouth makes me want to vomit.
I dont think that this is---
Its ridiculous.
Im right here.
We get it.
Yeah
Um... tall. No
Mmhmm.
Its a man eating cat food.
Extension 128.
No.
Bless you.
Dwight and Angela exiting
We have a buttercream cake and a slideshow of Toby.
But so far we only have two pictures of him.
Michael...
No. You know-no!
You always do this! We have a nice
No! No! You know what? This is not a party-planning committee anymore! And I dont want your foot money
Phyllis
I shredded it.
Gosh
Well
...Okay.
I said
No.
Oh my God!
They dont have this kind of technology at the vets. Its not far.
Bye
Uh... something cool that Ryan doesnt know about yet.
I dont know
Tonight my party will be broadcast out to five other states. Which means
Lacrosse
Well
Yeah.
No.
No.
Andy
The Finer Things Club was not sanctioned by the Party Planning Committee. Renegade clubs are dangerous. I squashed the Weight Loss Buddy Support Group. They didnt need to gather. It was just gross.
calling in
Andy
The reason I ask is that Andy went to Cornell.
I dont.
A Catholic schoolgirl?
A nun?
If you hadnt made us stay
I need you to make an announcement that this party is a disaster.
Deep fried Twinkies? Its gross!
Yes.
What?
No. No.
I dont care.
Well
No
It doesnt matter
Listen
But hes an idiot!
Oh
Dangerous. Tacky. Sharks. Haunted. No.
Hurry
Hey!
I have a nice comforter and several cozy pillows. I usually read a chapter of a book
No. My doctor wants me to gain weight.
Its not my problem.
That is very important to me
I know I havent made this easy on you.  Dwight comes out of storage room alone
I hate to even ask because you have been so accommodating about all the wedding stuff.
Is there any way our first dance can be to my favorite song
Really?
Mmhmm.
The guys?
Mm-mm
I dont think that...
I dont know if I want your old college a capella group to be our wedding band.
Lets talk about this later.
That was Roy. She was engaged to Roy.
I once reported Oscar to the INS. Turns out hes clean
Per your instructions
Michael wrote down Astird.
Its a baby game where you guess whose picture is whose.
Thats Phyllis.
Yeah
Well
Yes it is.
Um
You gave birth in a tub?
Thats good. Now
Now. Come on
Your hands in it.
Yeah
Yes
I never felt safe here.
I would very much like that.
Yeah.
I think you have me confused with another person.
I heard you.
What are you doing?
Not here.
I dont want to be married in a tent like a hobo
Nana Mimi cant be in canvas that long.
OK fine you can have your tent
There has to be a barn thats old enough that you can see the stars through the roof slats when you lay on your back. And antique tools to look at when you roll over.
No. But anything within a five- to eight-mile radius is acceptable.
Pay him whatever he wants.
Be good.
Meaning what?
Hello? Hello?
What?
Are you drunk?
I know who this is!
What?
Are you drunk?
We will discuss this later.
What?
Are you swallowing them whole? Youre eating them so fast
Hmm
I think Andy makes an excellent point.
But my biggest concern is that theres only one bathroom.
Nana Mimi cannot squat over some trench.
Manure. Get rid of it.
Do you have to slaughter on our wedding day?
Honey
No. I havent thought of it.
I would like cat.
I would like cow butter sculpture of a cat.
Yes it does!
I want a butter sculpture of a cat!
Its beautiful.
Hello
I work with Dwight.
I do.
Dwight
What do you mean?
Dwight! That doesnt count!
No
I didnt-
We are not married.
Take this thing.
Now
Its the nativity scene.
I am not going to judge Phyllis for desecrating Christmas. There is one person who will though and Phyllis just stuffed him into a drawer.
But--
Really Andy? Its Christmas and your singing about nudity and France.
I dont--
Please stop making me do these things.
But its the season of mercy.
I lost it.
Its outside.
Shut up.
Im not moving the tree. Face it. The only power you have over me is this big secret that I know youre not going to tell. And you want to know how I know that? Because then you wont be able to plan your stupid
I think Id like to go home now.
Kevin
Thats enough.
What is it?
That is a terrible idea. One of your worst.
Youre expanding on your worst idea.
Ive already admitted that I do. Why do you keep making me repeat it?

We can talk right here.
What have you heard?
That doesnt sound like me.
Andy
A little bit.
I dont know. I mean
Michael.
Let me think about it... I
Standard
I said nothing fancy.
I love you.
Andy
Or
I will respect the results of the duel.
I cant believe theyre gonna fight over me.
Im not voting.
Oh my God.
Ok
Did you bring your jerky in again?
Its okay. Shh shhh.
Oscar.
Oscar!
Pull me up!
I only weigh 82 pounds! Uh-- save Bandit!   Oh!
What is that? What is that?
Michael!
Michael.
Oh my God! Dwight!
What are you--   What are you doing?
Oh my God!
Dwight!
If you ever wondered if you were Michael Scott
I normally dont enjoy making people laugh.
If you ever called the fire department cause your head was stuck in your chair you might be...
Hello
I am proud to announce that there is a new addition to the Martin family.  takes a breath
Seven thousand dollars.
I sold Andys engagement ring on eBay.
He wouldnt have wanted that. Her name is Princess Lady!
Mm-hmm.
I have something better than a picture. Come on.
Yeah.   I mean
Right. Anyways... I just want to make sure Princess Lady is acclimating well. She means more to me than anyone.
And person.

No!
Stop it
No
Where is that bad cat? Oh
meows like a cat
Has this been on the entire time?
Well
Oh God
My worst breakup was actually two breakups. Two different men. I was in love with both of them and when things went bad they had a duel over me.
No
I guess I have. Huh.
Really? I dont see it. I mean
That is so unnecessary!
Thanks again
No. No one wants to see that.
It was very nice meeting you
Hello
No!
Charles and Kelly? Absolutely not. He is a sophisticated man. He does not need to go dumpster-diving for companionship
Well
Bandit
Im sorry
Okay
Okay. Bye Charles. Well youll let me know. Good bye.
These are for employees only.
Youre bad at this too!
Charles
Sounds fun.
Charles
What do you hear?
Okay.
People are dressed inappropriately.
The man is wearing sandals. I dont need to see Oscars toes at work. Gross! I mean he looks like he just got off the boat.
Excuse me? Oh. Youre so educated
Meredith
No. I dont want to stay late to have a two hour lunch.
Oh
Come.
Kevin
Kevin
Come on
Ugh. There is no cookie
Wha -
Oh
Completely unacceptable.
Can you please go back to work instead of masterminding these situations were in we hurt ourselves?
Stop!
No. I didnt come down here to get wet and wild. I just need you to sign these.
No. You need to sign them all.
Look
You are forcing me to be down here. Am I not allowed to have some fun?
No.
I can play.
Rolph
Kevin! Now its seven-six
Did you know a baby conceived out of wedlock is still a b*st*rd?
Want me to say it again?
No. We heard that about Jim.
How is that a bad rumor?
I knew it!
Rude.
Mmm hmmm.
Pam
But
Yes. They dont get em
What are you talking about Michael?
Its not like were not gonna see the checks. Were in accounting!
This is how you make this important decision?
Decent people everywhere will get offended.
Well
Really
Ow! He pinched me!
And where do you think youre going?
Well
Mmm-hmm. Ok. Ill go with you. Come on.
Are you sure?
Itll be fun.
Oh my God.
Yes.
Relax. Youll get your shot at Jim. Those two treat the whole office like a 1970s key party.
I have some ideas about conservation...
Thank you. Sure well first of all I think that we could totally...
Well
Im sorry
Pam
Black widow.
Why isnt Jim wet?
So you fell in?
So a child had fallen in?
Thats never the case.
This sounds ridiculous
Why?
I was.
Whyd you stop it?
No.
Pam
Put your hands in your pockets.
Michael
I dont like my character.
Voodoo Mama Juju
Its not my fault
Hey everyone
Dont just say things.
To my tally
Yes!
It could only be you! Way to go.
Amen.
Its fabric! I really wanted this.
Andy
Are you serious? This is so offensive.
If you know something Michael...
Come on!
Thank you.
Have a great day.
I already booked a Great Lakes cruise.
Thats your toast?
No
What are you looking at?
Excuse me?
Good afternoon.
What is this?
Of course.
You know I was thinking...
Agreed.
Jedediah.
Jedediah.
No Star Trek names.
What if its a girl?
Hey. Uh-uh. I cannot control that. You cant put that in here.
No.
Absolutely not.
Have you had a chance to look over the revisions on the contract Ive prepared for you?
I look forward to it.
Goodbye.
And now you
Alright. How would you like to celebrate?
Hey!   Are you sick?
In your nose?
Yes
Hm-hm. Do you not answer e-mails anymore? Because Ive e-mailed you four times asking you to come to my desk.
Oh
Ill give you the leads. But you know what? Its going to cost you some clerical work
It doesnt matter. Fill them out. All of them. Then when youre done
Im not going. You did this
Do you have any pastries without fruit?
Ow!
And then they said the most ridiculous thing about Anderson Cooper
This looks like a hoot.
Whack.
Okay.
Its no worry.
I could see enjoying that.
But we signed the contract.
We both-you didnt dup-
Dwight Schrute! Dwight Kurt Schrute.
You are hereby served with a summons to appear in Lackawanna county court.
For breach of contract with Angela Noelle Martin.
Dwight recently entered into a contract with me
Did he not tell you that?
Do you plan on raising a child with me? Or do you plan on breaking this contract?
Dwight?
Youll see me in small claims court!
This is my favorite day.
Psst. Hey. Erin.
You embarrassed me earlier.
You think I want people remembering I had sensual relations with Andy? Its the kind of thing you wish you could have annulled. I want to throw up just thinking about it.
You are throwing up for the wrong reasons!
Angela.   Michael.
removes post-it
I knew it. You should see their baby.
Is this the thing where they use an icicle so theres no evidence?
No.
Rather than spend all day in court
Alleged? Im going to own your farm by the time this is over.
Im doing it. You know I am. Its disgusting.
Dwight
Same page. Go to the next one.
What?
He has a 60-acre beet farm that is worth a small fortune.
Well
Those lumps are cats
I want eye contact.
Yes.
Im not some farm animal.
No.
What did you do to yourself?
Well
Oh
Everybody knows it was Andy
Okay
It does!

She gave me a heart attack!
Is that even a fake knife?

I said I didnt want to be on the internet!
I came down here to feed the feral cats like I usually do and I found something unsavory in the back of your nephews car.
Michael
Thank you.

My place tonight. Wear this.
Yes. Dont forget the pipe.
What the hell is happening?
Listen
No. If you want to punch the punch card
Well
Thank you.
Dwight and I have a contractual agreement to procreate five times
Ugh! Theres gum on the seat and now its on my work skirt. I have to go change.
Oh
Come on
These are just my dirty old gardening clothes. They were all that I had in my car.
That was more horrifying than Nunsense.
Wheres my car? Come on.
No
No
Well
Good night
Whos this guy by our cars?
This is what you get when you treat your body like an outhouse.
What?
Yeah
So
KELLY! You cannot change costumes in the middle of the day! Pam
Yeah
This is an amazing prize. I mean
I dont like your tone! Look
Jim. Pam.  gasps
Well
You dont know them all?
Jesus is not your caterer.   But he should be your caterer cause youre a little angel. Why didnt your parents get you a caterer?   They dont think.
What are you doing?
What? Kevin!
Did you think I stole your baby?
Someone put them in my bag.
Just say copies
Are you going?
I would watch that.
Outside my car in two minutes.
What are you doing here?
Are you authorized to do this?
Ok
Wait Pam! How did he seem? Like
You know what Pam just save it.
Nosy?
Hey
No
Mm-Hmm.
Perfect!
You met your commission cap last week. So from here until the end of the fiscal year
Its a new corporate policy.
waiting for Dwight at their meeting place
Where have you been?! Ive been waiting.
No
Dwight?
Sure.
Probably.
Mm-Hmm.
Yeah
Oh.
Mm. Yeah
Thank You.
You would. And if I were to call your house and ask for your wife
How tragic. Very sorry to hear that.
You never told us to close them.
Michael do something about this.
Really?  jumps to try and activate motion sensor
Nothing. Should be fun.
I wouldnt subject Robert to that. Hes a very busy senator.
I would not expect you to know what its like to date someone in the public arena.
The senator.
We went to a picnic thrown by the Comptrollers wife.
Do you have any idea how many photographers there are at a ribbon-cutting ceremony. I do. Two. Angela...   over here
No
We can save that.
Just stop moving your calves so much while youre talking.
Maybe Ill bring my boyfriend. Ill invite him.
I mean
Well
I dont think thats appropriate.
Yes
Its so cold. Even with my coat on.
No
Im so glad you could come.
Hey everybody
Yes.
Mmhmm.
I dont know if you guys have had a chance to use the new parking meters that accept credit cards
I am.
Zip it
You are. You make your own drink.
And you know those annoying geese at the park? Well
Yes.
Good morning.
The glitter is blinding.
Yes.
My boyfriend.
Ugh.
Oh
All right!
Please. It was easy once I decided I wanted the dog to piss on Gabe.
I dont know if anyone else feels this way and dont get me wrong
Uh-huh.
No one is more thrilled for them than I am...
...but its totally inappropriate.
No
God! Kevin!
Dwight!
With who?
No.
No! Dont!
Will you marry me?
Yeah
Deangelo
Cause I was thinking that you should meet my boyfriend
Michael! Deangelo has a peanut allergy.
Oh wait
Please.
Everything.
Its an experiment.
The dream team... and Meredith.
It was just you...
You wanna see some pictures? I just got these.
Uhm
Oh
Yeah.
See? This is what happens. You cant let a stray dog into the house.
Good God...
No! Im not cleaning up a bunch of uneaten cupcake bottoms! You know
Of course you do
Okay. Then how about Im the head of the Accounting Department
Andy
No.
Amen.
Thank you.
Oh
Pet Day! I want Pet Day back - no dogs.
Four
Seven
Six
Nine
Three
Two
God!
Okay.  hangs up
Thank you.
Its a little flashy. I mean
Okay. He took me to the replica of Monets Japanese bridge
Yes
Then I saw flashes. Reporters were there. They always find us. And everyone was crying
Stanley
I mean
Niagara Falls? Pregnant? That was your dream? Pork medallions?
Hmm.
Well
Look
Isnt it amazing
I am having a child with my husband
Did you guys figure it out?
It was excellent.
Bye.
No
Hes always been like that.
I mean
Have you seen this?
Have you read it? Has an adult member of your family read this particular issue?
So you saw the article on the importance of taking frequent walks while youre pregnant?
I will be taking a morning walk and an afternoon walk. Would you like to join me?
Great.
Well
A coworker of mine is drinking caffeine while pregnant
Maybe.
In mugs with trace amounts of coffee!
I already did.
Fine.
Sure.
Oh
Yeah. And I said sorry.
Is there anything you wish you had done differently to avoid cankles?
Ive already gone up another cup size. The senator is grossed out. When do you start feeling it kick?
Phillip?
Phillip is the name that were using. Its after my favorite cat.
Its after my cat.
I would like to toast someone who isnt here but who will be in just four short months. Welcome to the world
She just always has to copy anything I do! Its the Ford Taurus situation all over again!
I know. Im taking them down.
Well
So
Pam do you think anyones going to notice Ive worn this costume before? When I wasnt pregnant. You know I bet nobody would believe it still fits.
Kevin
Oscar
You sent the late notice to Ryan Heart & Wolf. Right?
Six-seventy
yes!
Ohhhh!
Oh
Okay
Enough Oscar
This is all pathetic.
Toby! Nobody cares about your sex-crazed black detective.
No. Porcupines dont have souls. Theyre like dogs.
Andy
Oh
Dwight! Oh my gosh! Dwight!
Youre in my way!
Were in the pool!
Yes?
Oh... I dont- I dont want any- what are you guys doing here?
Hey.
No
Mm-hmm.
Nine pounds? Really? I thought you said five. You know what? I was under so many drugs
Aw
No
Shh.
Its fine. Pajamas arent supposed to be baggy
Ah!
Really?
Fine
The senator and I wanted to wait
Right. Um
And now you all know
Dwight?
Hes hungry.
No
You wont see-
Every baby looks just like you. Your face kind of looks like a baby.
That is completely untrue.
I did not. Uh-uh.
That didnt happen.
No! Stop it!
Dwight.
And even if it did
I will not.
I will not
Yes
Sure.   Watch the head
Hello everyone! Remember little old me. Hi!
I wanted to come back to work. Not everybody needs some long luxurious Parisian maternity leave.
Really? I feel like this big rhinoceros. Anyway
I dont know what that is
Babies sleep a lot Pam
I wouldnt know
Ok
My baby is not a monster!
So cute.
News flash - If you didnt carry it around for nine months
That is where we disagree.
My Phillip is crawling.
No one said you must have two
No thank you.
Stop it.
Stop it.
Paid.
Is this spicy?
1434-967
Black eye
Yes.
Why would you care what the police think of our neighborhood?
Yes.
Can I please leave? I have a rape flute.
Good point? What is a tub of electricity?
Great! I think Kelly should attack Toby.
Thanks.
Lets go Kelly.
So
Well
Ugh.
Trust you? The way Pam trusted you to provide for her so she wouldnt have to work?
Cause we come here to do our jobs. We dont stick our noses in other peoples business.
We should do it right here in the break room.
Pam
Were going to have the fluorescent lights flickering. Its gonna make everyone sick.
Okay.
I knew shed crack! I wanted to leave you out
Nobodys named Monday.
Nellie is terrific
On it!
You got it.
What are you doing?
Stop that! Dwight! Stop that
Ugh.
Ugh. Eww!
Oh God!
Robert! The senator was going to wear dark brown tonight... Im sure it will be fine.
My husband is sponsoring a fundraiser tonight for local dog shelters! Robert California bought two tables for everyone here! These people were lucky to get seats because it is going to be a whos who of the northern 22nd district!
We think you might kill Robert.
Robert
:   Hello! Hello
: Robert sent me to take over if Pam fails. If?
: I have been crunching numbers all day. Math is for boys. I need girl talk.
No thank you.
Uh
Heh.
Dwight.
No. I am going to hold him because I havent seen him all day.
I think that Dwight is doing this whole thing to
See the duckie!
No. No. I like the babys hair the way it is.
Uh-uh
Dwight
Oh no.
I think we have all the shots we need. Thank you
No! Dwight! Give me the diaper! Dwight!
No! God
Get out of the car! Get out! Where is he?
Yes!   Tell me! Tell me where he is! Mose
Where is it?
How long does it take to get the results?
Youre gonna wait here?
Dwight
I told you
Well
No
Please
Oscar
If you pray enough
Attention everyone. Comstock is still available. Oscar has been flirting with adopting him. But still hasnt given me a definite yes or no.
Fine. For any interested candidates
Why do you want this cat?
How would you support the cat? What are your ambitions?
Have you taken any concrete steps?
Allergies.
No
Really? Oh
Yay! Oh
Please dont teach the cat French.
Um
The senator and I still have mystery. Im always waiting to see what hes gonna surprise me with next.
Language.
Oh!
OK
Kevin
Has she done the pageant circuit?
Ew.
Stop it! Stop it! Youre frightening me!
Ooh!
Oh my god!
I
So wait
Oh!
The senator will be joining us later.
No
And I told Phyllis not to put it out
Wait a second
You know what? This is outrageous. I have to find Phyllis. You two talk
They lost me when they sang ‘Monster Mash. That song obviously glorifies the occult.
Jammed. This day couldnt get worse.
What does that mean?
Kevin
I dont know why Im surprised. Literally nothing you do could surprise me anymore.
That doesnt surprise me.
The Senator is exhausted. This campaign is wearing him out.
That man hes up against is so dirty. And the senators just pushing back as hard as he can.
What?
Anyways
Why on earth would you think you were getting a promotion?
Honey! What are you doing here?
Oscar? What is going on? What was that?
Hi.
Spring cleaning?
I think the senator is having an affair.
I think the senator is having an affair.
When he comes home in the morning
And hes always at the yoga studio. He never misses the noon class - its Hot Yoga with Blake.
I dont know.
Right.
Right?
What?
Which one is the instructor? There all fatties.
Where?
Oh my God! Shes so stunningly tiny! Shes like a petite double zero
Ive heard of this - dog style. Oh wait. Oh look Oscar
Ow.
Okay
Wait. Why are you... Oh. are you getting your jollies right now? Cant get enough of the show? Your jollies are all on fire --
What?
Oscar
Look
Oh. Oh.
Oscar...   can I ask you a question?
Is it cool in here to you?
I think the thermostat is acting up again.
Thank you.
Meet me in the old place
Ugh!
Dwight
Just put them on! Put on your clothes. I need your help. I need someone who can operate outside of the law. Ugh.
My marriage is in danger. I dont know who I can trust. I need someone to be there for me.
Something like that.
Can you arrange a meeting?
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Ow! Dwight! Ow!
God!
So what are your credentials?
Do you have a gun?
What is this?
You dont carry it with you?
Obviously.
Okay
Murder.
What if they deserved it?
Theyre sleeping with my husband.
Thank you.
No
Yes
You said you would be there for me.
Its the only thing that will make this right.
Oh
What? Why did you call me out here?
I dont know what youre talking about.
Fine! Its Oscar. So what?
Exactly
Well
Hes here.
No
You know
You deserved every bit of it!  You made my husband gay.
No. No.
Well are you gonna let go of it? Because part of the blame is definitely on you.
God!
You were supposed to be my friend.
I feel so stupid. I sit next to him every day.
Jazz is stupid!  I mean
I dont like your friend Trevor.
My pastor said it can come from breast feeding.
Well
What is it called when two men intertwine their penises like the snakes on the medic-alert bracelet?
Is it called red-vining?
People red vine.
No.
Oh
Dont blame me for something we all forgot.
No!
No.
No
Party planning cimmittee
No. I dont want my name attached to this party.
Please just take my name off of everything.
Huh.
Kevin. Kevin! Aaah. Stop it!
Oh God
Dwight!
Geez Meredith
Ew! Oh.
Oh
What do we do about our heads?
Excuse me?
Oh.
We dont want it to last longer. Its horrible.
Okay. Oh
Oscar
You dont want bugs. You know? Who knows where those bugs will end up?
Oh my God.
Well
Sorry.
Oops.
No
Cant I just agree without putting my hand in?
Oh
Ugh!
Kevin! Kevin! Kevin!
Stop it!
Stop it Kevin!
Kevin!
I dont get the point of this stupid window!
Oh
Shut up!
Yeah!
Whats going on?
Dwight! Down
I have no information. But Im sure as soon as they know
Well
Yes. And he didnt like it.
Oh
Oscar
I dont want to sit near any of those people for the next 20 years. Someone say something.
Excuse me
No. No children. Our house is not kid-friendly. Most of our furniture is sharp. Also
No
What?
Im his! His... wife.
We agreed that you wouldnt be seen with him in public. Its humiliating for me. Well
Hey!
Exciting news. Theres room for one more at my sons birthday event. And
What? Wait. The state transportation secretary will be there. You could sell your beet salt idea to the highway people.
No.
Aw
Oh
Hes blocking me.
He put you right in front of me?
It was all my fault.
They have a nail salon there where I get my feet detailed.   They use a watch repair kit.
Yes
Its a bonus check. For you. From Wallace. Because the branch exceeded its targets over the past quarter.
Uh-huh.
Ahh! Dwight!
What? What is it?
Dwight
What do you mean by poisoned?
Ok
But I dont see how this is my problem.
Ugh.
Gah.
Its fine.
Ugh! God
Ill help you!
Ugh.
Hello Aunt Shirley.
Oh
Yes. How would you like a nice warm bath?
Ow!
No. No.
No.
Gosh
Spray her down?
You have to use chains?
Dwight!
No! No!
Dwight
No Dwight!
No
No Dwight
Im gonna give your aunt a proper bath and a haircut like a lady! And you two are gonna shut up about it! Do you have a bathtub?
Good.
Oh hush. Loose braids reflect a loose character. Now stay still.
I think your hair is much too long for your age
There.
Youre welcome. Would you like some stew?
Mmhm.
Is it any good?
Thank you.
Oh
It was not an unpleasant way to spend an afternoon.   Dwight
No
I cant be your monkey
I made a vow. I gave my word.
Good night
Do they even have a bakery anymore?
Kevin
Uh-huh.
What
Hes gone. Its just a cupcake now.
Kevin?
Some of us got both.
No.
Can we skip the color commentary and just have Andy go out there and fire her?
Here you go. And good for you Dwight
Dwight is dating a brussel sprout farmer named Esther. Shes coming here this afternoon with her father. Who knows? Maybe shell be pulling the horse cart!
Your screen is all black. You just unplugged your computer.
I bet she does. I bet shell eat them right out of your hand with those big strong teeth.
Yes.
I guess men find Esther attractive. I mean if there are chubby chasers
What about me? Klokken tre pige
What? Why would they...wait a second
Oh my god.
There was much more secret filming than I expected.   But I am fine with it
Come on!
Oscar.
I think we need to figure out whats going on. I might just take a little walk.
We need to know more. Did their shots have sound? What exactly did they get on tape?
Alright
Oh! He was dressed like Ronald Reagan!
God!
Oh!   Stop it! Stop kissing him! Someone needs to call and warn him. This could ruin his career.
Call him!
Call him!
Call him! Call him!
No you go. Hi honey!
Its Angela and Oscar.
Just a few quick things.
Oh you look so handsome! Very presidential.
Yeah.
Yeah!
Yes and I cheated on you with Dwight
I think were good.
Bye!
Love you!   God.
Thank you
All right


Oh my god!
Nellie you didnt tell us we could win money.
Me? Oh
Come here
I had a chance with Dwight
Really?   Thank you.
Was Dwight rooting for me? Hmm. I hadnt noticed.
Come on Clark.  Clark throws plane
No you cant baby!  to Dwight
Whoo!
Oh my god! Oh my god. Ok its your turn.  Toby crumples plane and steps aside.
Yes!
Thank you.   Oh god!
Dont you dare tank this.  Dwight throws plane far
Well
I was disappointed in Dwight today. He showed a weakness that was unbecoming. Even if he did do it for me. I dont need pity and I dont need charity. I have my dignity and thats enough. And as long as I have that
No. Everything is not okay. The county took my cats.
Two sacks worth. Apparently my apartment complex has rules about how many pets are too many for a studio. And while I was out picking Phillip up from daycare
Its the   that lives downstairs. Shes this uptight
And theyre gone. And I have no one left. Without my cats
I guess.
Dwight has been practicing karate for years. When we were dating
Yes. Congratulations.
This is a big day for you.
This is Angela. Oh. Hello
Andy.
What are you doing?
Yeah
Ugh.
No
No
Okay. Well
Thanks.
Its just a really nice song.
Well
Oh
Oh
You dont want me at your place.
Well...
Thank you.
Okay.
Are you allowed to have pets?
So is your place all bachelor-slobby and gross?
I wouldnt know. I never lived with a gay guy.
I love him.
No
Ok
Daycare wont take Phillip anymore.
Apparently my station in life has descended to a depth even they wont forgive. So
Why didnt you pack the apple snacks?
Because whenever I pack the bag
Why dont you pack it?
Not now
Ok
Kevin
Kevin
Kevin
I know. Earlier today he tried to eat some of the 24-weight letter bond.
Yeah
Its just his way of saying
Would you like to hold Phillip?   Yeah. Thats Kevin.
Okay
No
Stop it.
No
Hey. You wanted to see me?
I am sorry hes here today but I had—
How thoughtful.
If he is your son
Can I go back to my desk now?
Okay
Are you sure you dont want me to drop him off?
All right. Bye
Dwight?
Why?
What do you—Dwight!  Dwight cuts her off in his car
Dwight! What the   is your problem!
Who drives like that?
Can you put that down?
Its too loud.
Okay
And I lied to you.
Phillips your son.
I just needed you to want to marry me because you wanted to marry me.
Youre a dad!
Yes. My heart is so open
To remind you that our weddings gonna be wonderful.
D
I dont...I dont know why.
This is my big sister Rachel.
Were very close. We even have our own special language.
People love it.
What?   Okay.
Wait
Okay...
Rachel
Oh geeze.  . Oh
Okay
Uh
That was interesting.   What was that?
Will you lock the door?
Alright
What the   is your problem you      ?!
Thanks.   Oh. Ouch.
No
Hi.
Oh
Do you even have a mattress?
Yeah
I remember.
Basically
It was kind of hard to hear.
Hey.
You wanna go to the beach?
You wanna get high?
I think you do
Maybe some spagh-etti.
Hes got to come out sometime. To go to the bathroom.
What are you guys talking about?
Thats a real thing.
Someone has it.
Do you think we should go ?
What is he doing?
Italian.
Yeah.
Their breads really good.
I have a hoop in my driveway.
So are you jealous cause theres another girl around?
Shes prettier than you though.

What is your type?
Stay away from my mom.
Oh
MILF!
She wasnt that hot.
Phyllis?
Packer said it.
You mean where my desk is?
Okay. I have a lot of work to do anyway.
Ooh.
Or when were bored.
Were bored a lot.
Oh!
We call it Hate Ball.
Because of how much Angela hates it.
Sometimes we play Who can put the most M&Ms in their mouth?
It smells like cookies.

Present company excluded?
Pam.
What if he dies in the fire? And thats the last thing you ever said to him.

Was it worth it?
Yeah.
Yeah. Oh.
Stacy.
Sweep the leg.
Later Jim.
Michaels movie? Two thumbs down.   Heh.
I heard they made out and had s*x.
Well
Romances?
Oooo.
Michael
I gotta erase a lotta stuff. A lot of stuff.
Thats pretty young.
Are you gonna eat with us?
My brother is in town and we are going to see the Alaska Film Festival at the Scien-
Oh.
Not so fast... Fire Guy.
Just turn around now
Well
But what are we going to do with this hacked off part?
Do we have one?
I got myself for Secret Santa. I was supposed to tell somebody
Should we just keep opening up the presents?
I want the foot bath.
Thats the thing I bought myself. Im really psyched to use it.   Maybe I should have taken the iPod. Oh
Kevin Malone.
Yeahhh.
Mine.
Thanks for the party
Can you hop?
I think thats from Big.
What does that mean?
The thing you just said?
Whhh... What are you guys doing?
Michael is that a wig?
No.
Jim has got it bad for Pam.
Well shes the... Hey Michael so do you think Jim will try to break up the wedding?
Nice... she is so hot.
Whats goin on?
I dont think thats vomit.
Me?
Oh
Michael.
Michael
It smelled terrible.
I bet Roy heard about you liking Pam. I bet hell try to beat you up.
Ive got your back if he does. But try to stay out of it.

That sucks so much.
Woah.
Woah
Man
Oh zip it.
Whose it from?
You should go to Hedonism.
Its like Club Med
Ive never
I always set it at 69.
This... is my file cabinet. Uhm... oh. This... is the partition... between my desk... and Angelas.
Abbys my fiancee Stacys daughter
Go ahead.
Whatre you doing? You never have plans.
Niiice.
No. Im still waiting.
They said this afternoon. Theyre waiting on a second opinion.
Um
Right.
Hello? Hey.
No
Still scary.
Well the doctor said a combination of interferon and dicarbazine.
If I go home now
I cant relax about it
No
Okay
Hello? Yeah okay. Alright. Okay
This is awesome. Thanks
Hey...

That is so good
Im not taking Rogaine.
Id like a magazine.
Id still like one.
So
Cause Im in a band. We really rock.
I accept your decision!
Something with animals. Or people.
We really dont do a lot of weddings. We actually dont play in public very often. We are all really hoping that Pams wedding works out. This could be a turning point for the band.
Come on
Yes.
Dwight
Yeah
Pam. Jim Halpert
I won the 2002 $2
All-in.
Three queens.
I suck.
I do not want to talk about it.
Yeah?
Awesome. Did Pam say it was okay?
Dude
All right.
This is the first Ive heard of it. They never tell me anything. I like it that way.
Absolutely
Has anyone in the office bought anything nice recently?
Yeah.
Oh
An emergency like
Dont yell at me.
Why dont we just ask her if she took the $3
Oh
Thanks
$3
Were in the process of interviewing everyone in the office. I think its kind of fun. Its a great chance to catch up with people.
I dont think it was him.
Angela thinks its an insult when she calls me a genius
I dont know.
Why? Whats going on?
Why?
All right.
Ive never seen it.
Who?
How do you know?
You have a crush on Roy.
You have a crush on Roy. Unbelievable.
Does he excite you? Does he get your blood flowing?
Does he get your...
Roy and Angela sitting in a tree K-I-S
No.
You would have to take some from petty cash.
In Oscars drawer.
Well
Oh
But you can if you want to.
Oh
I didnt steal $3
I talked to Creed
No
No. Angela
Yeah.   God.
Yeah
Fine
I finished my own memo.  The memo reads: Tuesday To Whom it May Concern: ANGELA STINKS. Kevin Malone
Oops. Um
Yeah
Cause Im telling you that I didnt.
Oh
You guys
The guys who stole the money.
He is still in there.
What time is it now?
Its slow.
Well
I think youre mean.
What are you doing tonight? Wanna get a beer?
What are you doing?
What happened to your old wok?
Its okay.
Shh
This is so much fun.
Get it?
Animal House. You guys are breaking my spirit.
Attention! There is a lot of junk in here! Over!
Awesome.
Do you think this thing is worth $3
Okay
He has a snow-globe drawer.
Id lock it
I like it.
No.
But what are you doing?
I do not think you should do that.
And here.
Yeah. Oh.
Very well.
This is the best day of my life.
: That sounds great.
So did you hear?
Pams back on the market again.
If I werent engaged
Yes!
Ok. Billy-Bob
Do you have any savings?
Michael
Me
Oh
Hey! Hey!
Account...? Michael
Night
Are you guys going to this Indian thing tonight?
Oooh. Do you mean like
She looks like Pam from the neck down.
This is the best meeting weve ever had.
Stop it. Its a disease! Ive told you.
Nice outfit.
Well
Where are we going?
How about Cuginos?
How bout Coopers then?
But
Hooters?
Yes!
Hey Pam
All right.
Cool.
Hey Ryan
Awesome. Lets go
Michael
Can I have your pencils?
Oh
In general
This thing is so awesome. It will shred anything. Ooh! It will shred a CD. It will shred... a credit card. It will shred... oh!   Shoot.
The beef is poisoned?
Staples.
Hmm.
Andy.
Hmm. Martin?
Wait
He is black... right? And...
Yeah!
I wonder what he did.
Cool.
I had Martin explain to me three times what he got arrested for
You got outdoors time?
Michael
I would so rather be in prison.
Hey! Let us out of here! Hey! I have--
The tires look pretty worn.
Thats not fair.
Hey.  Toby puts hand on Kevins back
Then why are there two flyers?
Right.
I didnt see where it was.
I think Ill go to Angelas party
I hear Angelas party will have double-fudge brownies. It will also have Angela. Double fudge... Angela... double fudge... Angela   Hmmm...
Dont push it.
Youve got to be kidding!
I want you to know. That Im happy for you. I wish nothing but...
And Im here to remind you of the mess you left when you went away. Its not fair
Right.
Dude
Already sent it to you my friend.
Jan.
Hi Jan
Yeah. How was it?
What am I going to do?   Im gonna hang it up at home. I dont have a lot of art.
Angela.
That was a voicemail that corporate left last night. They did not get our tax forms. Did you send them?
Are you sure? It is a big deal.
... Do you really not know? Because it is a big deal.
How much did you win?
I won $400 bucks on the Celtics game last night.
Thanks
Oh
Yeah? I thought of it like
Can I join too?
Okay. The game is no limit deuce to seven lowball. Lines twenty five fifty
Michael.

Hi. Im Kevin.   Where did you find her?
Riiight. The gym.
No this is not our first wedding. This is the THIRD wedding that Scrantonicity has played. We also played our bassists wedding and our guitarists wedding.
Attention
My tire blew out on the way here
I almost died. I... I went into this skid---
...What?
I almost died.
Wow.
I... am a hero!
Is everything ok
Hey Pam.
Oscar. Angela.
Yeah.
Its complicated. I would appreciate some space on this.
No
No
Good thing you didnt listen to me.
Later
Man
Youre wearing a womans suit?
Who makes it?
Karen
Michael
Yeah. I heard you might need it. So...
Jim--- Roy--- Look out!
Five bucks says its over 50.
Ever since March Madness ended
Damn...
On what?
Nice.
Long johns? A shaw?
Ten.
That is lame.
Oh
Damn it.
That is not fair. He has spent hours up here at reception with you. Hours and hours.
No
Ryan
Here you go.
Okay
If someone gives you 10
Oh! Can I be   Australian
ello
I like ice cream too
Sir
Eleven.
Yeah
Oh
Still said it.
Im guessing not.
Yes
Hey
You arent curious?
Yeah
Yeah. Im going in.
Oh... my... God.
Yes.
This is so great
Youre in here.
OK.
I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. Thats all Ive ever wanted.
And the night got deathly quiet
Are you going to try it?
Angela
Why dont you go Michael?
Hey.
Whats different about you? You look worse.
So Jim
Pam is taller.
Yes. She has bigger breasts
I think Karen has a prettier face.
Well I mean Pams face is really pretty too. Its a very tough call.
Yeah.
Will do.
Do you think its gonna to be weird working with Jan in New York?
What?
Yeah
I love fake boobs. Often times
Karen. She looks corporate. Those little pants suits.
Do we have to?
Trees.
Forest.
Are you kidding me
Are you kidding me?
Whos we
Oh
Oh
I bet you were.
What
Whoa!

Oh well
Michael?
You cannot make me run.
It is not a real charity. Its stupid Michael
You didnt run for me...
...when I thought I had skin cancer.
No.
I just dont want to run. I didnt bring my sneakers or my clothes.
Back off me.
I knew it!
Fire!
You werent here for that.
When he started the fire.
Little old man boy.
Bearded man boy.
No way!
Yeah
Oh
What does that mean?
Tuna Tuna Tuna.
And he can get any girl that he wants.
Tuna. Check you later.
Dude
That was so awesome.
Isnt 7 pm a little late for a lunch party?
Maybe you could just change the U into an A.
Wait! Alfredos Pizza Cafe? Or Pizza by Alfredo?
No
Oscar
Oh no
We think its a straight forward kidnapping.
Whats going on?
Were getting hungry out there. Were all accomplices now anyway
Good pizza.
Different stuff.
I guess he wanted to get out of here before the cops find out.
The bar uses an applause meter. That is why its so important that you all come and applaud only for my band. Scrantonicity 2. NOT Scrantonicity
Dammit.
I know whats right
I dont know.
I do gamble Michael.
The mob.

Yeah
Shh.
True
Mama Bear!
I kind of know what its like to be in commercials. My nickname in high school used to be Kool-Aid Man.
Michael
Damn it!
Damn it!
Yeah
Oh
You never call back.
About what?
Are you sure he wants me? Because I have Oscar balance my travel receipts.
Oh
sitting down
Hurts like hell.
If I had someone to set you up with Michael
Nope. Stacy broke up with me.
Not anymore.
Its a bitter situation.
No
Yes.
Nice.
Michael
We need to assemble the five families.
We have to.
The five families are the five companies of Scranton Business Park. The bosses rarely meet. Theres Michael Scott
Im calling the meeting anyway.
I... have... things...
We want our parking spaces back!
W.B. Jones construction guys park in our parking spaces every morning and some people have to park really far away and walk all the way to the office. And some people sweat too much for comfort and---
After Stacy left
We did it.
We got our spaces back.
Later.
Way to go
Oh God.
Michael you could put your initials in it.
Hey Pam
All the girlfriends that Ive ever had have worn glasses.
Yeah
Like librarians.
Could you just say
Michael
Its Michael versus Stanley
What are we talking? Skins? Acey Duecy? Bingo bango bongo? Sandies
Im gonna take this petty cash I got from Oscar
Andy
Yeah.
Ooh! Winner gets ten bucks! Wait -wait for me! Andy!
Okay
Oooh!
Hi.
I do the numbers.
Do you want a M&M?
Yeah. I keep them here at my desk so that everybody doesnt take them.
Yeah.
Hi.
I cant decide what to get.
Well I like pretzels
Hmm...
Im totally gonna bang Holly! She is cute
Woah! Cool! A bouncy house!
Yup. This is my car. Do you drive your own car?
Okay
Yeah
No
Just hurry.
It was great to see you
Yeah
I think you kids have a lot to catch up on.
Yeah.
Ill go to the diner with you.
Yeah
Me too.
That seems early
Thatd be DUI.
Ill always remember Merediths back. Thats all I can see from my desk. All that red hair
Hi
What do you mean?
Wha...
Im a little mad
Kidnapping is the asportation of a person against the persons will
In every good hostage movie
I still do not have your reimbursement check.
Hi.
Jim
Im gonna take so much money off that guy. That guy is a whale. Im gonna clean him out. This is really gonna get me out of a hole.
Hes not my client.
Hey Oscar
When you get a loan
No
Lets say you tell the bank that youre going to open up an ice cream store but instead you buy an ice cream cart? Technically you are still selling ice cream.
Gambling debts? What?
Whats a bookie? I dont even know what youre talking about. You are weird. You are a really weird dude
Okay
We will be selling ice cream.
The business will have a mobile component.
In a way.
We have flavors.
Um
We would buy the ice cream in a store. Or we would make it our self.
No.
I have a lot questions for you too.
If you grant me this loan about how long will it take for me to have cash in hand?
Niiice.
Ive got it.
Oh my God I think weve been the target of a sting operation.
Are you wearing a wire?
Please do not hurt me.
Im sorry just dont be mad at me.
That little dude may hurt me if I dont get that bank loan.
Im gonna sell ice cream out of a cart.
Why not?
I know.
We need a secret signal that lets me know if Im talking too much.
You have a great... vest.
Strawberry.
Hi Brad
Oh boy...  Kevin stands and drops his briefcase
outside the office with a cart
No
Ten dollars.
Ice cream! Gooooood ice cream!
Pam
Yeah.
Hi Jan.
Hows the candle game?
Cool. Thank God they found her
Hey!
Thank you
Wait
Oh
What?
Firrrrre-duh guy!
Yeah.
You too.
Because youre kind of doing Michael Clump.
I got a gift for Pam and Roy. Do I have to get another one?
Oh come on! Hes right there.   He was hired.   Oh check it out
Its a trap.
I think were out.
I think she got it as a tip
But Phyllis
Michael
So we had games planned but the baby ruins all of them.
OK... Who wants to guess when the baby will be born?
Yeah
Oscar
Hi
Federal and State.
Fine.  throws down microphone
Dammit Creed! Ive been up since four!
Michael
You love your mom.
T minus...
You did it
Yes.
So Jim
Michael
Michaels a genius.
Hey Michael
Fire girl.   Too soon?
Well
Yeah
Whoo-hoo!
Hot tamales.
Uh oh.
Oh
Because I wouldnt want an innocent person
How about
Were not listening.
Oh come on
most of office huddles around print out of Hillary Swank
She looks like a monster.
That is not the question.
Yeah
Five. Five to five.
So what do we do now?
The debate is whether she is hot.
Huge difference. A painting can be beautiful
Are you serious? Jim
Hes making all these fancy
Kevin sits down
Ladies and gentlemen
Wait
This is ridiculous.
Its out in the hall.
I cant keep doing this forever.
Call it.
I would want to live with no legs.
Michael
Oh my GOD... Oh man... Ohhhhh my God...
in the lunch room
Im almost done.
I didnt eat lunch.   I didnt eat all my lunch.
It... yeah.
Wait
Any cat
Why would we-  cats meowing from Angelas computer
Is that what I think it is?

That one ugly cat is humping Princess Lady!
No way.
Oh

This is getting weird.
Ohhh...
I was looking at pictures of food on my computer.
Ooh- can she pick a half hour of each?
Oh
No
I miss Stacy.
I cant even imagine.
Was he in to you in like a gay way?
A week later a friend of mine calls me up
My worst breakup was with Stacy. It was a Sunday morning
Hello.
Im from here!
Thank you
At the Circle Drive-In they show old movies. Its really cool.
I used to go there with my fiance  . Before she left me  . No
I think I blew it. It all happened so fast. So... fast.
Hey
Are you on email?
Cool. Bye.
Good Valentines.
I think I should call her.
Why is it so bad for me to call and ask her to lunch today?
But I do like her just the way she is.
Andy
You guys are throwing a lot at me.
Right.
Like that?
Lynn
I think you have the best smile. Id like to take you out to dinner and a movie.
Nice.   Boobs.
Ni-
Hey!
Michael?
I just realized that I used the 2008 calendar to do the spreadsheets for January and February. I may need to come in this weekend to fix it.
Ok.
That hes wasted 15 years of your life?
Michael is that scotch?
Pam?
When will the new copier be ready?
You said it would be ready by today. And it is today.
Soon could mean anything. Soon could be 3 weeks.
Sometimes.
Oh!
I always thought Michael got a bad rap. Hes a good guy. And hes super funny. Yeah
I think hes singing.
Michael
But you didnt want to start with us?
Phones?
Oh
Please hold.   Andy! Phone call.
Yeah
Okay. Andy
Oh
Hold it.
This is Kevin. Please hold and I will transfer you.
Just... dont answer that call!
Your call is very important to us. Ple-
Wag.
I thought Rajini Ghanda was a boys name?
Try it in another sentence.
I guess I could be nicer.
Hi.
At least once a year
So
Yeah.
Yeah. This place is great.
Im sorry.
Yeah. Respect the lei.
Is there a cookie?
I wanted a cookie.
Michael
I got it.
Set!
Yeah!
Its six to six. Its a nail-biter.
Kelly
I thought that I could do it.
Yeah?
I would very much like to do that.
Q.
T.
I might have extra
Yeah... what do you mean exactly?
Reeeeally.

Tea.
You would.
Oh
Do you like it as much as you like mens butts?
Because youre gay.
I need to do mine first. Whos been saying that theres another person inside of me
Stay.
I knew it! Her breasts were a tiny bit bigger. At first I thought Oh
Hey
Hey
Like money? Like you-- you want my money?
Will you take a check?
Cool. In the memo line
Wait til Monday.
Jim is only giving raises to the salesmen.
Totally!
Yeah.
Yeah
What does a bean mean?
Michael
What does a bean mean?!
What does a bean mean?
Michael!
So... youre going to provide them
What the hell?
Oh yeah.
People dont think of me as one of the sharper dressers in the office... but Im going ot turn that around at this wedding. I thought
She thought I was your boyfriend.
Oscar
Im not gay. Im Kevin.
Yes.
Are you seeing anyone right now?
Cool.
She probably switched cards with someone. Like I did with Erin.
Yes!
That sounds epic. Can we bring anything?
Its a good idea.
Yeah. But thats easy enough for you to say
What else you got?
Its gonna be fine. Its gonna be fine. Pams here.   Pam?
I left a pair of dress shoes in a bag outside my door last night to be cleaned at polished
Thank you.
They were stolen?
What?
But that was my only pair of shoes.
Well... well damn-it.
Okay.
Oscar. Angela.
Im trying to decide if I have time to pee.
The peeing is fast
Oh
Who would want it?
What an awesome party. The best wedding Ive ever been too. I got six numbers. One more would have been a complete telephone number. This was epic. My Kleenex shoes were a huge conversation piece
Jims gone on his honeymoon. So I started borrowing his office to fart in. Then one day I came in and I just stayed. Cause this place is awesome. It feels like home now. Even better than my home. My home sucks.
Hello.
Oh man
Um
Six-six-five-zero.
Wait a minute. Yes I am.
No. That... I
No-
Shoot.
I usually can think quick on my feet
Oh God. I wouldnt last in jail Oscar. Im not like you.
Oh you dont know about jail? Oh you would love jail.
Because... You would love it.
Hi Pam
Okay
Cool. Okay.   Bye.
They have no idea what happened.
Oooh yeah...   Jim and Pam!
Shhhh...
Shhh...
Whos pickle?
Yes! Thats what Im talking about.
Oh... whered you get that hat?
That is hilarious.
Im gonna kill you.
Yeah. Every single day.
I dont want people making fun of my weight.
Enjoying your nut?
Im not mocking. I was just making an observation about a nut.
Well stay late.
Open QuickTime.
No! Use QuickTime. Trust me. Ive done this.
Here they come.   Boom!
Hi.
Because of s*x?
My moneys on Pam.
Michael could win.
Why cant you just agree with me sometimes?
Were here for the show
No way. Last time you pulled my pants down and then you tried to choke me with my shoelace.
retching sounds coming from the mens bathroom
It smells like throw up in here.
Whoa
Oooo
He lives on Sesame Street
Yall.
Do you want to go out on a date with me? We can make out by the horses.
Nice.
That could be a good sign.
Now
Michael
Check it out
Does and email count?
Yeah.
Hey.
Jim said that?
Jim said that?
No
I... I... I did not... That was not... How come not?
Look who it is!  shows camera the cake
Congrats Phil!
Michael its me
When can I sit on your lap?
Thats really comfortable.
I dont know. I didnt know you were gonna ask me that.
I didnt know. Nobodys ever let me sit on their lap before.
Can you give me some choices? Cause I really dont want to mess up on this list.
What about if I tell you the things I dont want?
I didnt even get to tell you what I wanted!
Awesome.
Michael I had you. I just want to try Phyllis.
He got scented candles!
Christmas tree
Thank you.
Yeah.
Just cause you have liquid that doesnt make it a toast.
Hi!
What
Hi.
Jo
Nice!
I cooked my way through Julia Childs cookbook
Pregnant Pam and I
I thought that maybe we should do something special for early dinner. One last ultra feast.
I think it should be a surprise.
For the love of God
Her shirt is touching them. Maybe we should cut holes in her shirt.
Stick spicy food up her butt.
Our ultra feast menus theme : Hollywood. We have Ratatouille
Im petrified.
Ta-da!
Yes!
Oh
Erin
Yes!
Bye.
Hi.
She touched my shoulder.
No.
Yes.
Hi.
Yeah
Really
Yeah
Yeah.
Yeah.
You said she liked me.
Ive dumped better than Erin.
Lynn was way hotter than Erin
Yeah
Jo
Just because Jo has no life
Oh Im in.
You are never going to find them.
Im going to enjoy this.
Im still enjoying it.
Turn the trash. Turn the trash.
No
What -
Um
Yeah. When we walked in here
Yeah!
Oh
Yeah!
Waaah!
When a new mom hears a baby cry
Waaaah!   Waaaaah! Mommy!
Yeah!
This isnt funny. I dont talk like that.
No. I wont say it.
Angela
Yeah
Man
Theyre making fun of Cookie Monster. I get that. But in a strange way
Oscar
Thank you.   It really makes me self-conscious about my voice.
Im not crying.
Do my hands feel sweaty to you?
Yeah.
Erin
So if you need anything
C is for suspension.
Uh guys
Ciao Right? Ciao. I say Ciao because Im fancy from Tallahassee.
I made the most brilliant retaliation video. Its awesome.
But Oscar is an accountant
But the Count is purple and Oscar wears purple.
Thank you.
Look at that. Shes totally flirting with him.
Like that?
Yeah
Yeah
Well
I think its over
Michael
Ooh.
Thats hilarious.
Boi-oi-oi-ing
Wow. That is crazy.
Yeah. Thats pretty bad.
That is a dangerous game
Why not your condo?
No.
Jo
Well
Wait
No
Well
No
Performing isnt necessarily the only way to express yourself. For example
Thank you.
This is a haiku I wrote: Beauty approaches  I am brought under its spell  I long to be with. Then I ran out of syllables.
Oh yeah.
Quit playing hard to get
Hello? Is anybody here?
Oh no! Oh. Its locked! Please
Well
Wait
Oh
Yeah. Let me take a look at the circus board.
That was awesome!
I know how you got it.
Michael come on. A cold sore is herpes.
I never seen herpes on you.
You have a pen1s?
Michael
It feels unbelievable!
...unbelievable.
It feels amazing!
Yes.
Just admit that your baby was a mistake.
You got it! Lance Armstrongs Bike!
Nice.
I could sing it.
But my voice is unique. Like Bob Dylan.
Hes like a better-looking Andy.
Yeah.
Oh
Or the me that stinks.
Suns in her eyes
Your mama mighta said that bullfrogs are dogs
Croak!
Nice.
sitting at Phyllis desk
The statement that I am making
You own a bar?
I dont think that she would leave Jim for Danny.
I am never gonna forget what Danny did to Pam. I forget nothing. Im like an elephant in that way.
Yeah
Okay
Theyre really upset about the whole Danny situation.
Yeah
Or youre dead.
Okay.
I am so sorry.
I just thought-
Well
I told him that there was this one cool move where she powers down like a robot.
Okay? But I- I am so sorry that I didnt tell you first.
You think that I would let this happen again?! NO WAY JOSE.
you
Pam. Can you vote for other people?
I cancelled my plans to come to this thing
With what? How? Sometimes
Give me the baby!
Look at these scones
They should do that thing where they play the really good music to get him to come out.
No! I bet hes wishing he was strangling someone!
Hey
Yeah! You gotta go to the bosss party!
No hes not the boss.
Cause
I wanted to eat a pig in a blanket
I cant believe were missing that!
Please Michael
Big Boobs.
Wow.
Commission comes out to... dunh-duh-na-dah! Zero.
I entered the sale
Dunh-duh-na-dah!
You had me at s*x.
Awesome!
stuck in the maze
Help! Hello?! Oh! Help!
An antacid that you only take once a week.
Michael! An antacid pill that you take once every six weeks.
Its too big of a pill to swallow.
Thank God.
Uh oh
Well
Then see you later building.
I said see you later building.
Oh
Angela
Oh
Oh
I would
Yeah.
Hi
Yeah.
Did you bring us anything from Nashua?
Wait
Oh no
Oh
I bet you didnt even bring us anything
For your feet!
Wow
Congratu-ohhh.
Hey!   Right back atcha
Well
Well not all of us are Michael Freaking Scott.
I dont know. Im glad this is happening. Thank you
This is a new food for me
Can I get some cheese whiz? Or hollandaise?
God
All right
Can I get some candy
You were super mean.
It was traumatizing
Okay
Well
Im going to help you.
Hey
Hows your fart project coming?
Me.
Hey
Andy
Then I wont let you down.
Yep.
Go.
Yes!
There are some people who have charm and some people who dont. Guess which type I am. Charm type.
Dream... big. Right? So what I want you to do is dream the biggest that you c... an.   And then double it!  .
No. Yes!
No. Im fine. Okay
What?
Red gloves.
I cant wait.
Ok
Ditto.
Nice!
Yes
I dont know
Can I finish? Can I finish? Is that okay? I was saying...I enjoy watching them because it makes me horny.
Oooh.
Booby honking.
Butt honking.
As has Kevin!
She goes to another school.
Yeah
Hey
Which one? I have a lot of stupid faces.
Better luck next time
Suck it
Pizza
Dont you guys get it? Nobodys coming for us.
Michael Scarn!
Its like one of the best movies Ive ever seen in my life.
Or carnivals!
Youre eating eight year old tomatoes?
Ive got some cheese you might like too. In between my toes.
Yes!
Nice! We got burned!
What dont you understand about the word approved? It seems some of you dont know what the word approved means.
I have very little patience for stupidity.
Mean but good!
Hey
I do know how to read though!
Hes right. I mean
I got a lot of numbers here to put together.
Thats silly. If anything
Well
Woah
200.
45.
Damn it.
Yea when I was a kid I was on Dallas.
Yea. When I was kid we missed our connecting flight and we spent the entire day on Dallas. Then we spent a week on Hawaii... I was in heaven.
Yea.
Nice.
No you cant do that. You cant play a black mail card and call a proxy meeting in the same turn.
no this card is from the wrong game this is from the game of life.
No but thats not fair.
Hey guys its my turn.
Yeah I told you
This is stupid and I want my money back. Wheres the money?
Ok you know what? I am never ever playing board games with you two again.
And that is Dallas.
Thats awesome!
All of us?
Nope! Its not Ashton Kutcher. Its Kevin Malone! Equally handsome
Burnt! Its lush
Interesting.
Awesome!
Nice!
Yes! I love banter. But I hate witty banter.
Hi!
I brought them from home! Do you have a red?
Oh really?  camera shows that Kevin has drawn a house on the tablecloth.
For birthdays!
Oh!
Oh...
Better...
But...
Michael
Sounds beautiful!
Im going to!
Finally! That old shredder sucked.
Yeah
I know...
No
This all sounds great to me.   But I could see how some people might think that theyre bad. I dont know what to think.
Jim only says that because hes in the inner circle. I also say that because I am also in the inner circle. Did you get that
Yes!
Yeah
Yes.
Oh
Didnt drop a single ball!
Hot!
That sounds like Pam. You know how she gets. Deangelo
Jim
Yeah.
Whoa.
Yes! Okay.
One...
No food now? Someone has to do something about Dwight!
You could put a banana in it.
In case you werent hungry now
Put back everything in the vending machine except the fruit.
Put everything back in the vending machine except... the fruit.
What the   is that?   Oh
Hey
My back is sore
Hey
No
I dont feel anything.
Push harder
Go a little higher. There you go. Nope
Knead it. Knead it like a pizza.
Dont eat it.
Another one?
Thank you.
Nice.
Oh
Um... Business!
The Botanical Gardens
Yeah! Tell us a story.
Okay
We dont tell her.
giggling
Yeah. Low blow
Its good. Its just that I wish the puppets would talk more about the alphabet. Not for me... but
Do you mean it? Anybody? Are you sure?
Okay... well what do I want in a manager?... let me see.   what do I want?...
So now anyone gets to talk at any times?
What do I want?... Im looking for someone... who...   Everyone is listening to me.  Dwight looks at the camera
Later
Exactly.
We need a warning signal.
We do.
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
I know! Its alphabetical.
Warning! Warning! Warning!
The thing that I like about Elmo is the tickling.
I knew it. I just knew
Loser. Losers.
Yes. Me do.
Me do it now. Go. Stop worry.
Me feel good. Body strong. Sleep big last night.
You keep think that.
Me mechanic not speak English. But he know what me mean when me say car no go
Thank.
But save time. More success.
No me fault.
Many small time make big time.
See world.
See world. Oceans. Fish. Jump. China.
Fine
When me President
Wait
Well Im just quoting you. I would never say that about her. I dont know the woman.
This is where we go
Its a answer.
There are no wrong answers.
Dont! oh
So...DARRYL! A GIRL!
Kevin.
No!
Dont talk to me!
For sure.
Here
Good old Kevin. Hell do anything. Well guess what? I will not do a good job.
Damn!
OK
Guys! When I was a kid
Yeah we move stuff and it was fun.
Right. My mom-
So I found this grease. And then I remembered that you thought it was a great idea.
I think were ready to give thi-   Jim?
Here...
Oh hey guys.
OK Darryl
No Jim
Señor Loadenstein. Tell em why its called that
Yeah
I understand.
I think this thing is broken.
Andy? I think we should acknowledge the man who has led us to such a profitable quarter. To Robert California.
The gorilla from Rise of the Planet of the Apes? Huh? The one who sacrifices his life.
Its been out for ages
Jim
Come on
Im only scared of real things like serial killers and kidnappers. Not things that dont exist like ghosts or mummies.
Yeah  ...prank
Why on Earth would a museum put a mummy in it?!?
Exactly.
Nooo!
Thank you.
Im on it.
Good thinking.
Apparently a big client for this company
What does this mean? What does it mean!
Uh
Yeah.
Guys come on. Im right here.
Isnt it supposed to be
Yes!
Hey
Were called Kevin and the Zits.
I have a tambourine.
Nice guys
We all got to go sometime.
Dude
You do that on TV!
Guys
Yeah? Okay
Maybe we should warm up with some scales?
Whoo!
Mm-hmm.
Are you serious? From Star Trek?
Yeah.
Guys
Yes!
Not food and stuff.
Oh
The fire pit is a no-brainer.
Okay.
Well
Yeah. But not just the cookies
Kay
Thank you.
I dont know.
Yes. I am an accountant.
Never trust a cookie with a womans name. Pecan Sandy. Lorna Doone. Madeline. Theyll just break your heart.
What?!? No!
No! This is not fair! This is my idea. Hes trying to steal it because hes jealous of me.
Every time you buy a Big Mac you set one ingredient aside. Then at the end of the week you have a free Big Mac. And you love it even more because you made it with your own hands.
How can we do that? Shes simply wonderful.
Yeah. You need to be over here with us accountants. Just sit here and be quiet. And if you have a question
Hey
How ya holdin up...because of your wife leaving you?
Yeah.
Yes.
Oh yes.
Good cookie.
I dont wanna put you out
Hey.
So
Oh yeah!
I cant help it
Hey! I can make that error.
No
Okay.
How am I supposed to know what was on his mind? Ooh
Ron Artest
Nicely done!
Oh yeah!
Three hundred pounds!
Les Jolies Choses.
Marie Cotillard exposes herself a number of times in that film.
Look
Lets just do our thing
Riboflavin?
Dude
Yeah. All of us in the pool
Hey Oscar
It was me.
Whoa.
Im right here!   Cold. Cold. Come on
Okay. Watch my toes.
Thats racist! I dont know. But I would say
Wow!
Kelly
No!
Is it black? Cause that would be hilarious.
You know.
A little bit
Oh
Yeah
Got that
Hi!
Phillip is so fat.
You warned me not to say anything if it was tiny
Im going to call him Little Kevin.
I got Little Kevin Call of Duty.
Little Kevin.
Extremely
Well
Hey!
Because I feel like that Im in a place with my gambling rehab that I can finally start going to dog racing again. You know
When do we leave?
Look at these little mini pizzas. Does this make me look huge?   Hey guys
Are those the lyrics?
One order.
Dude
One order.
It happens! Like a hospital needs more napkins for surgery...
Oh
Listen
I woke up at 4 am by accident in time for the paper to be delivered. Guess what?
Its not a kid on a bike. Its a man in a car.
Yeah
Poor Andy! First you got beat up by a gang
Bye.
Whether its a gremlin or chucky the doll. The key is to throw it in something. Like a fireplace
Cookies
Oh
I know. But sometimes you still get a little something.
I do.
Oh
Hey guys
No. Wait
Metaphorically 69ed. Ew. Perverts... no offence Oscar.
Thats true. If I have a question about my cookies at midnight
This is tough. Cause Darryl
No
Hungrier.
Hungrier.
Oh yeah
Go.
Perfect! Now people will think Im doing hot girls all day.
Okay
What do you mean?
No guys
Nice.
When that went up there
I just remember pushing aside my silky bangs to say
oooh
Huh. Yeah
Hot tub party?
I do.   Come on everyone...
Come on Jim
None taken.
Shh
You think this is a great party? This cake has vegetables in it. Like a salad bar
Welcome home.
Yeah.
Thank you. Nellie was nice enough to give it to me. Shes sweet. I just wish there was pockets.
Get lower.
Dwight couldnt get it up for Nellie?
Tip-top shape.
Ooh
Yeah. Man
Yeah
because he fired you which means apparently youre living in your car now.
Wait
Its going to be super weird
Hey
Oh man
Creed
No! It was my idea to not be raped!
Whoa
So Dwight doesnt understand silent auctions. I guess hes the stupid guy in the office
Im sorry
No. No hes not.
Youre welcome!
Sometimes I feel like every one I work with is an idiot. and by sometimes I mean all times. All the times. Every of the times!
My dog Ruby doesnt do anything
Well I put out Pro Bow-Wow
Doesnt really poop. Its perfect
She smells horrible. Its unbelievable. But I dont want to put her in the bath
People seem awful interested in you Ruby. Guess theyre just jealous
The branch closed. Forever.
Hey
Wait
Even I know thats weird.
Oh
So I patched him with stuff from around the office. But I couldnt get the pieces to fit right. Then one day
The one who uses the doorbell
Angelas cats are cute. So cute that you just want to eat them. But you cant eat cats. You cant eat cats
Ill take him.
I am enormously proud of what I did for that turtle!
Go ahead
Oh
A wheel is supposed to spin.
Okay
This sucks.
Yeah
Oh boy! Whats happening?
Heifers International. Listen to this. They give a poor person like
Whats the craziest place youve ever made whoopie?
Totally. George Clooney.
What is the craziest place youve ever made whoopie?
And John Wayne?
Wayne Johnson? The Rock?
Yeah
Thats me.
As would I.
My name is Kevin.
That is my name.
They call me Kevin.
Cause thats my name.
Next stop pies!
At five? Thats only twenty minutes from now. The pie shop is thirteen miles away. So at fifty five miles an hour that just gives us five minutes to spare.
Wh...
314 pies.
Well
Well now I dont even feel like pie. Wait...no its back.
Guys
I insult you
I insult you! To your face!
Then why dont you do something about it?
You dont have the guts. You stupid
Oh yeah. I decided that acapelca music is awesome.
It turns out
Thats beautiful. No
I really want to. Whatever happens
What happened?
Yeah
I dont know what youre talking about.
I... did not.
Oh really
I have to go to the bathroom!
I have to go to the bathroom!
Drives away waving
Please
Please
I cant
Yeah
Yeah
Me too. Cause then
Hi.
Oscar
Oh that is nice. Classy move.
What are you doing?
Well Oscar
You know what Angela? I- Oh my god.
Come on Oscar
It is really cool! U-S-A! U-S-A!
I totally forgot about the affair for a minute.   Oscar is having s*x with the senator and Angela doesnt even know.   Her life is a complete sham!
Nice!
Thats the winter season.
Whats happening in three months?
Make it go taller.
No
Youre not getting this
Me and Pete are building a tower.
Obviously. Hes a sweet kid
Huh?
Yep
Okay
No
Yeah.
Nice.  Pretty soon
I am Oscar Martinez.
Wha-- wh--
Nice! Yeah.
Nice. Nice.
You did it.
So were not going to have a Christmas party this year? Angela
Well
Mini-Cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes
No.
Come on
now
Oh
Yes
Nope.
No
I wish my car had a bathroom.
I love this hog mama.
What is maw?!
To me
No.
Oh
The Hawks are terrible. Theyre always terrible.
No.
Here man.   You need that more than me.
Yeah
I think he needs some hugs
An Escalade.
Big mistake.
So does this mean youre gonna take Darryl back?
Well
shoving large amounts of bubble wrap into the baler
I wonder what happened over there. Ive been sitting here the whole time.  as the baler crushes the bubble wrap
Hey
Taste test? Im in!
Yeah
Alright everybody
Alright
No way.
Ok guys
Yes!
Yes!
One!
Two...
Three...
Four!
Pam! Pam
Pam
It feels really hot in here. Is it hot in here? It feels really really hot in here.
So long
Well I cant stand here if you pull the carpet out from under me.
Yeah!
I dont get it.
A lightbul--
Whoa.
Whoa.
Thats a flush.
Ooh
Ooh
Okay
Your feelings for Erin? Probably your heart... and a little bit your pen1s.
Lets get this over with
Meredith
Angela
Hey. So
OK. I understand. Ill just stay here
Opening with pub pastries? Thats a bold play. Theyre saying
Yeah. Thank you for the food. Oh
You are like a terrible person. These guys care about you and youre just using them. Again
Andy left a carton of milk in the fridge. So
OK
Ew! Ill be your foot buddy.
He just waltzes back in here like he owns the chunky
You know Pams mural? Well
Whoa.
Pete...
Pete what?
Im Kevin.
Didnt you two used to do it?
Oh
Yep. Acidic
Packer
They do. Its awful. And
You dont know that.
James Bond was a spy.
Yeah. He was the best. James Bond would love this cupcake.
Oh
Why would you ask me?
My night was just like that.   Meaning normal.
Nope. I did not see you either.
Ah.
Yeah. No
Uh oh. Shes doing it again.
Whats going on? Oh
Whoa. You go to the bathroom for 45 minutes and everything changes.
This is a documentary? Oh
Did you see this?
Andy
Of course.
What was that word they said when they showed me Skrald mand? Whats that mean in Danish? Cool guy?
Cool. Superhero.
Ooh
Yes! And I knew it the whole time! I kept the secret. I kept the secret so good. You didnt know
Yes
Yes! Ohh! I did it. Ohh
Ohh.
Yes!
Uh huh.
Of course.
Yes. In a way. From one that I bought on Craigslist.
No.
This is flatter.
I cant. I love them all too much. And
Fine.  throws plane
Im not giving up. Im going to keep making planes until one of them flies. Like Wilbur and Orville Redenbacher.
The Mark 47 is ready for launch.   Less paste.
Wait
Ive never met anyone like that.
Could Andy make it as an entertainer? I dont know. You know whos really funny? This bird
Our question is—it seems dumb.
Well
Ooh
I dont think so.
No
Dwights the new manager. He freaking did it.
Yeah
What do you think that was about?
Awesome!
Night
But the coffee in Peru is much hotter.
Ooh
Guys.
Guys.
Guys.
Do you want to see a video of a weatherman who says bold front instead of cold front? Its insane.
Philllip
Whoa.
Thats totally uncool.
Right. Now.
Oh
What? Im moving the ink down in my pen
Dont tell me what to do!
No
Away. Tell Phillip that his stupid little baby wish came true.
Hes not that smart. He doesnt know where I hid his duck.
Cant hear you. Im giving you the silence treatment. How does it feel being ignored?
Phillip got this for me?
That was a really cool move.
Whoa.
What a chubbers. Whoa.
Im losing my balance.
Whoa!
You wanna play with the cactus?
So
Bye
Yeah.
Sir
Yes!
I feel scared a little.
Yes! Whoo
Yes! Wait
Get out.
What does that mean?
Im...good.
At least I got chocolate.
Well
Yes. I did. This one. Now get out!
Well
Youre just saying that to make me feel better.
Is that all it was?
Come here
I missed you!
People actually dance to this. Its in my juke box. None of the money goes to Andy though.
Yeah
Wheres the
Okay.
Arise
Thats not...
What was that stuff?
Ooh! Yes. Uh
Oh
Hey
Yeah
Yes!
If there is one thing that I have learned through this whole experience
What is it?
Oh
Oscar. Oscar.   I think Im gay.
Its just that Im so emotional.
No
Hey.
Ryan Howard from the temp agency. Daniqua sent me down to start today.
Yup.
I heard they might be closing this branch down. Thats just the rumor going around. This is my first day. I dont really know.
Whats up? Nice to meet you.
You shouldve put him in custardy.
Yeah.
All right.
Chappelles Show.
I downloaded it on her computer. I hope she doesnt mind. She just had a lot of extra space.
Great. Shes cute
Oh
Did you get the kind with the cookies? Instead of the...
Michael? Are you done yet?
Yeah.
Thanks.
No
Fine
Darryl Rogers?
Yeah
But
OK.
I stretched before I came.
Can we just do one? Thats cool
Same team
Im installing File Share on all the computers.
Yeah.
I would love to.
You dont want to recycle them?
Do you want this?
What about this bottle of power drink?
Blue.
It says flavor: Blue Blast.
No
Well
Wow. How many filet-o-fishes did you eat?
Still.
You staying?
What am I going to do with the award? Nothing. I-I dont know what Im going to do. Thats the least of my...concerns right now.
You a big William Hung fan?
I got your sausage
What was the thing
Im just going to take a nap in my car until work starts.
I did.
I figured I could throw it away now
The temp agency wants to know what you think.
Ah
Uh
Fozzie bear?
Got it.
Yeah.
Ah... adapt
Uh
Okay... uh
No.
...I dont.
I dont want to be like a guy here. You know? Like
Yeah.
Dont...
Thats actually a test prep book.
Thats a test prep for business school.
I just got in. I applied
Yeah.
No
Just started.
I... wouldnt even know where to start.
All right
Is it cheaper to sign a new customer? Or to keep an existing customer?
It is ten times more expensive to sign a new customer.
I am.
I am.
Its a way of looking at consumers as subsets of a larger client base.
Maybe we should get some air.
Im really uncomfortable.
Hey
Whats your number?
Um...
You got to... you got to give it to me again.
Now I have it.
I am so sorry.
I cant believe I started the fire.
Im really sorry
What?
No.
Im really sorry
Oh
Did you ask me here for any specific reason?
Why is that secret?
Updating emergency contacts.
Catch-22.
Whats her address?
Hello?
Do you mean Neverland?
What?
Who is your emergency contact?

Hello?
Is your wife still your contact?
Kay.
Fudge?
Ok
I have the emergency contacts.
Uh
Yeah
Hey
Good.
Yeah
Agent Michael Scarn
Hahaha
I forget it
Dont you mean constructive criticism?
Hey
Huh
Angela drafted me into the party planning committee. Her memo said that we need to prepare for every possible disaster. Which to me seems excessive.
Whoa
Wasnt there a $20 limit on the gift? This is 400 bucks.
Yeah
Yeah.
And I have to give it to her? I dont have a choice?
Yeah
Hey.
Ryan Howard.
What line of work you in
Were running low on cups. Do you want me to just run out and get some?
Oh
I really did not do anything.
Whose butt is that?
Oh
I have a test for business school tomorrow night. Is it okay if I skip the cruise and study for that?
Im already in business school.
Here you go.
Yes. I ordered three full rotisserie chickens worth of all dark meat.
They were out of yams. I got you creamed spinach.
Yes.
They had no yams.
You know
Twice.
I found the pudding cups you wanted in a gas station in Carbondale!
You are very welcome.
No
You sure?
Ok.
I ground up four extra-strength aspirin and put them in Michaels pudding. I do the same thing with my dog to get him to take his heartworm medicine.
Whats that?
Huh?
Yeah
I think.
If I had to I could clean out my desk in five seconds and nobody would ever know I had ever been here. And Id forget too.
Creed did you organize the menu book?
No
What?
What?
Jims been looking at me kind of a lot all week. I would be creeped out by it
It wasnt me. Um... it wasnt me.   It was not me.
Hey Jim
Thats what I told him. Thanks.
Whats up?
What?
I dont know. Depends if you like a little junk in ...   Umm... Shes really cool.
Yeah
Did she say something?
Do you know if shes looking for a long-term thing or if shed be cool just hangin out?
Can you find out?
How about rainbows?
You know what... we could get this done a lot quicker if we formed a type of assembly line.
I hooked up with her on February 13th.
Soda.
I cant tonight. I have plans with my friends.
Cool. Cool. OK.
Yeah.
Youre inviting Jim?
Actually
I know what I said.
You really think youre going to go?
Nice. Send me a postcard.
Jim has worked at the same place for five years. Jim eats the same ham and cheese sandwich everyday for lunch. I dont know. If I were a betting man
Kelly and I both agreed that we would just have fun
Wow.
No.
Uhm...
Yes
Okay.
Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life.
Right. Okay.
Um
No! I will... go.
Who uses calling cards anymore?
Someone ate three feet of that thing?
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.
I go to a lot of parties.
I am not giving you my keys.
Whats the hard way?
Yeah
I dont think Michaels ever done drugs. I dont know if anyone has ever offered him any.
Cool. Hey
Yeah. Maybe.
Thank you.
Um
Um... lets um
My voicemails really spotty... sometimes...
One beer and one Seven and Seven with eight maraschino cherries
Yeah
All right. Three pairs of pants. Three pairs of socks. Three packs of condoms.
Uh
I dont want ketchup.
Uh
Um... Yeah
Thank you.
Thanks. Um
Oh
When I was five my mom told me that my fish went to the hospital in the toilet and it never came back so we had a funeral for it. And I remember thinking Im a little too old for this. And I was five.
A dime and a nickel.
But the other one is. Ive heard that before.
Because hes my son. The doctor is the boys mother.
He stepped on a block of ice
Its a polar bear because youre at the North Pole.
Yeah.
Yes. Im very excited.
I have spent a year here. I have to commit or get out. Dwights the top salesman in the company and hes taking me on my first sales call today. And
So what if theyre not talking much
I know where were not.
I dont think you know what youre saying.
Uh huh.
Gotcha.
Ok.   Of course.
Hey Dwight
Look man
Yeah.
Who was that?
Is that your Cousin Mose?
Outsourcing and consolidation of competition.
Depression?
Um
No. Ok. All right. All right. Its over. This is over. OK.
No
Look
Wait
Ok
Im going to put everything in terms of real dollars.
Im going to ask a lot of questions that all have sort of positive answers.
Saying
Im going to try to be confident
They really didnt like me.
I dont get it. I dont get what I did wrong.
You drive.
I think about that all the time.
Yeah. Yeah.
So
What?
They said something about Zach Braff.
No
Well
Yes.
Oh
It makes perfect sense that it would happen today because I just received this in the mail.   A thousand business cards with this address and phone number.
I just feel like it could have been something special if we could have kept working together
This kinda worked out perfectly for me. I got some good experience. Uh
Is Jim coming back.
I just dont want it to be weird
Oh
Uh yeah
Hey
Im good! How are you? So...
Yeah.
Um... unless you really
Cool
Yuh.
Yeah. Jim is a nice guy. Thats why I got the desk.
Im sorry. Its just
Sometimes he brings more costumes.
They have business classes there?
Prison sounds great.
Michael
Ah man
Im not feeling so well. Ive got a ton of work to do here. MSG allergy
Thanks.
Doctor appointment
I miss the days when there was only one party I didnt want to go to.
Looks like they forgot the power cord.
No.
Huh?
I am very flattered. I was his second choice after Pass.
Is there a prize?
Hey
Yeah
Hi.
Um...   Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.
Oh...
Dwight will be missed. Not by me so much
What?
Not right now
Yeah
He hasnt even said a word yet. Just giggling.
Is this the same grill you grilled your foot on?
Oh gross.
Kelly dont do this.
You know what youre doing.
Ok.
You will be a guest speaker... in my Emerging Enterprises class.
If you bring your boss to class
What?
Y-You understand nobodys graduating.
...It doesnt apply.
Quit it!
...Dunder-Mifflin cant compete with the modern chains
And now
Michael.
What we normally do here is more of a question and answer thing.
...It wasnt personal.
Pack my--?
Look
To the annex? Where... Kelly is?
Its only temporary
I think I heard it on Roys side.
Not here. Not here. Not here. Not here.
Yeah
I cant imagine what I would have done.
Well that was funny
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
You know what? I didnt---
Well
I dont know what youre talking about.
No
Dont you see why thats insane?
What about a long sleeve T?
Kelly
I guess I forgot.  kisses Kelly
Will I be too warm in a long sleeve T?
At least were outside.
F and C
Ill go.
Yeah.
Whats the occasion?
Nothing - I think
Uh
I figured. Its cool. I dont - I wouldnt want to be in an office relationship anyway.
Can you just stop this right now
You have to stop yelling at me or Im not gonna do the egg race.
Thats what being a good captain is about. Its about listening to the members of your team.
Last year Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creeds brain I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top. Ive read some of it. Even for the intranet its... pretty shocking.
I dont do that stuff anymore.
on phone
Nobody. You and I are done.
Yes Michael?
Back? Why is that Michael?
Oh! Did you do this on purpose?
Did this happen on company property?
I dont think you understand how jeopardy works.

People keep calling me a Wunderkind  I dont even know what that means. I mean
You have reached the offices of Dunder-Mifflin
Hold on one second.   Hey Pam! Its great to see you. Is Michael in?
OK. Should we get started?
Yep
Stop that! Stop that!
You scared me.
Michael and everybody
...let me just say something. I know I used to be a temp here
So...
OK...
Enough! OK? This is inappropriate and it stops right now. Do you understand?
Perfect.
Dunder Mifflin Infinity represents a floor to ceiling streamlining of our business model. The center piece of the campaign is a new business-to-business website interface that will allow us to compete directly with big box chains.
This is a massive overhaul. Were getting younger. Sleeker. And more agile so that we adapt to the market place. All essential personnel will be issued Blackberries for company use.
Ill stick around to help you set them up afterwards. Any questions? Dwight?
This is company-wide
Andy.
Any other questions?   Kelly Kapoor.
Thank you everybody.
As fast as possible. We want to start retraining people A.S.A.P.
OK
Well it is business
No.   Were throwing out the entire playbook
No. Were not. Michael
So
Good.
Kelly...
Kelly
I never cared about you? Six months ago Karen Filipelli sent me an email. Asked me out. I said no
OK. OK.
I can... I cant talk about this right now
Jan.
So elephant in the room
Oh well
Well... you look great.
Scranton suits you.
You were let go.
Is there another meeting scheduled
Ohh... man.
Michael.
Were not doing this today.
OK. This is...
Michael
We have actual work to do.
Well
Michael
Ok. I look forward to hearing your ideas.     Where do you wanna go?
Kelly
You dont?
You lied about being pregnant.
You really dont understand why that might make me kind of angry?
Were never getting back together.
Whats
With gift baskets.
Good luck Michael.
Yes
Next night
Literally.
... Later guys.
Hey Pam. I havent settled on our final design logo yet for Dunder Mifflin Infinity and I know youre into graphic design. Do you want to give it a shot? Maybe try and deisgn the logo?
Cool
Thank you very much.
Cool.
I like it a lot. Its clear and subtle at the same time. Its really good
Id love to talk to you about it more.
Do you want to go out to dinner tonight?
Wear something nice.
What?
I just... I just wanted to have dinner.
Youre kidding?
Thats... great
So let me um
Cool.
That is not correct.
Im not saying I had a meteoric rise... but I did. And if they knew how much I was paying for my haircut now
You should come visit. The city is... amazing.
No. You dont know until you live there. Theres something about waking up every morning and just being in that city.
No. You cant imagine it
No. It... eh... you cant... its not about how it sounds.
Yeah. I created a website. Look
Convergence. Viral marketing. Were going guerrilla. Were takin it to the streets while keeping an eye on the street. Wall Street. I dont want to reinvent the wheel here. In other words
And now from my old hometown
Always a jokester. How about that image? Crystal clear.
Hello Michael
Why is there a kid on your webcam saying that hes being held against his...
steps in front of camera
I sent you an email about the new Powerpoint.
I had IT install the updated Powerpoint on the computer so you can use it for the presentation. I really want people there using Powerpoint.
Hold on
Hey guys! Whats happening? Hows my favorite branch doin?
Okay
Ladies and gentlemen
Is this the first time you ever opened PowerPoint?
You didnt prepare a presentation at all
Im your boss.
You have another job?
You can not have another job if it affects your work here.
It did
Why is Darryl here? He works in the warehouse.
Its not a party. Darryl
How long until you actually get this presentation ready?
You know what I really want? Honestly Michael
What?
No
Do you really know which one is correct?
As an object.
Wait! This doesnt matter. And I dont even care. Michael
Hello?
What?
I told you not to call about small problems.
Thats good. Theyre creative
Its not part of your job
Okay
But Im good at managing people who do sales .
Im on Michael.
You have to know how to work this. Theres no excuse for this.
I can get you a tutor if you need-  Pam walks in and shows Michael a note with a waving
Oh
Take the call
I insist you take your work calls.
Hey Michael.
Im glad youre here. I actually need to talk to you for a second.
Could we talk off the record? As friends?
Jan... has put the company in a very tough position here. Now youve been with us for a long time. Over 10 years
Good. That is great to hear.
Yes
My favorite branch. Hows everybody doing?
Love it. Go.
I can tell you thought about this a lot
David Wallace does too. You told him all about this at the Christmas party
You did. Yeah.
Watch your back Jim. Im just kidding.
Ok thanks Michael.
Im here today to do some creative problem solving about Dunder Mifflin Infinity and field your questions.
Dwight.
This is a temporary measure to increase the legitimacy of the site.
I hear you Stanley
TBD. Phyllis?
Yes
Yes
Its all about creating a one stop shop consumer experience
Do you have a question Kelly?
You too.
Michael let me go. Let me go Michael.
Na.
Sorry man.
But seriously
Unreal.
Bye everyone. Stay real Scranton
I dont know man
Michael.
What are you doing here?
That is so awesome man!
And you brought this guy!
Aww!
I know its you guys.
Im so psyched youre here!
Woooo!
Lets get a drink.
Guys
Ah
Bottle service yall?
Yeah. Hes a normal guy
Dwight Schrute man. Hows Schrute Farms?
This guy owns his own beet farm.
Weevils
Crazy. Thats too much for me man
Yeah.
I dont know
With vodka
Did you want a place where we could meet older women?
Hell yeah. Ill hook it up.
Check again
to Dwight
Lets bail.
Youre doing it man.
Hey man
Its inevitable
Why wouldnt they let me dance?
I dont wanna go back in.
This is a one time thing
One of you guys can have the sofa
No.
No. Guys
Guys
I think its self-explanatory.   Hey
How do you live with a franchise this bad?
Alright
Its actually not a joke. I know how you spend your time here
This is nothing to do with that
Woah
Congratulations!
Dont interrupt.
Congratulations on doing your job. Did you enter the sale on the website?
All right
Dont worry about that. Just re-log it.
Have a seat with everybody else.
You dont know what Im going to talk about.   Actually
Can you get me a cold water?
Thats all right
Thank you.
I spent three years
Okay
Dehydration.
Yeah
Oh
Yeah.
Not really. New York is...so great.
Yes.
No
Yeah.
No.
Youre my friend
Yo!
Haha
Hey
Think fast.   Honestly
The only good bagels anywhere.
Same with coffee
Im gonna go find Toby. Oh
Wallace likes Jim. So going after him - thats a risky move for me
Hows my favorite branch doing?  no one talks
And you got a goatee!
Did you get that after you helped me move and you saw mine?
Hey Kevin...   Thats really funny.
Its great to see you Kev.
Im keeping a list... of everyone who wrongs me. So when Im back on top
Jim. I wanted to apologize... for how I treated you last year. I lost sight of myself and now that Ive quit the rat race Ive realized theres so much more to life than being the youngest VP in the companys history. Ive even started volunteering. Giving back to the community.
I dont need a judge to tell me to keep my community clean.
All right.

Kelly.
I wanted to say Im sorry... for treating you bad the past couple years. I was in my mid twenties and I was goin through a lot of stuff. I think I never fully processed 9/11. Um
We should get a drink later. Catch up. Pick me up around eight?
That--- I
Yeah.
exhales
I did.

Everything. Shes perfect.
Oh...
Ok
Kendall from corporate HR is on line one and Holly is on her way in too.
Two HR reps.
I got her
Gordon Gekko.
... Yeah.
Morning.   Wow. Good morning Dwight.
All right.
Living in the moment.
I dont play the politics game anymore
What?
Oh
Her Americas Got Talent finale party over the summer.   Thats crazy. It was packed. I thought everyone was there. You were there. I remember you being there.
Just checking out where Im going to be pretty soon. When Pam gets back. Gonna be close quarters. Gonna be a lot of tension.
This looks like where Ill probably do my pushups every day.
Yeah... Mmmmm...
This has to happen again. Darryl cant happen again. Look at me. Do you want me to do more push-ups?
Okay. You have to break up with Darryl. I already typed out a text message for you. All you have to do is press send.
Has to be done. Well press send together.
Id like to see him try.
Thats all he wrote?
Can I see it?
Didnt you two date for like a long time?
Were back.
I--- I realized that for whatever reason I... just couldnt do better than kelly.
Yeah.
Youre taking two?
You did that for me?
Are you happy you did?
Whats up?
Yeah
Yeah
You should have hit him man
Hey
I was just back there
Yeah
Ah ha ha
I--- I would find a way.
I--- Pam
I cant do this.
Its not fair to you. And its really not fair to me.
That was your choice  dont put that on me. Im just going on a little trip.
Its not that kind of trip. Im going to Thailand with some friends from high school
Lets be adults about this. Lets have s*x one more time. And if you have any extra cash
Im swamped
Hey
Sixty thousand dollars a year.
What do you make
I told you guys
What size shoes are you guys?
What are those
Where is it?
Do you guys want to hear about Thailand?
It was indescribable.
Do you get TNT? The station? Do you get TNT?
You should come into town this weekend man. Yeah
Please dont listen to my phone calls. Yeah
Pams better at that stuff
How is it insulting to say that youre good at something?
Im not judging it
What the hell?
Yeah I make originals too.
Yeah!
Thats me and my friend Jonathan from Thailand.
You could be hot too if you made any effort. At all.
This is from the sun.
No dont take that
Im gonna make a spreadsheet.
Yeah!
Go make a copy
Or you could fire one of us. Whoever has less education.
Rock the house!
Last night was crazy. Jojo? Yeah. He did a donut in a parking lot in front of a cop. And then he yells
Yeah. I wish my iPod could make phone calls. No I dont want an iPhone
Are we staying til five?
Im texting. I dont want to get my fingers sticky.
Keep going.
Write it down.
Oh!
We did it !
I can get there.
Oh
Yeah.
Finally.
Look at that old dude and his rolodex go.
We can spend a couple days there.
Weve been making 5:00 AM deliveries for a couple weeks now. Ever since Ive gotten clean theres something about fresh morning air that... just really makes me sick.
Michael
Most dorm rooms dont even have that.
Lets see what a delivery guy costs.
Look
Yeah.
Explain what you think that is.
I never went to Thailand.
I went to Fort Lauderdale.
Yeah
Youve never had Pad Thai.
Oh
Hes bluffing
Maybe.
Okay
That were having any problem at all.
No
Just put it out of your mind.
Michael
Well have to talk about this.
How could you do this to me
I would rather have $60
Yeah
Yes
Who is it?
Oh
You look so classy in that picture.
Tough.
You. Us.
Its gotta be because they all want their clients.
What you gotta do is you gotta go down to that warehouse and you gotta crack some skulls.
Chiklis style.
Yes
That looks great.
I can eat.
Im sorry you feel that way
Exactly.
Exactly. This is your first complaint in ten years.
Things have been generally good.
Look
At these prices with this service...
Youre not gonna find this anywhere else.
No
Stop flustering me
Okay.
Michael gave all of our clients back to their old salespeople
I think you should get it. You really grew into it.
If you really think that
Thanks.
I dont do lunch. Im eating five small meals a day now.
Now that Im back to doing the job of a temp
More eyeliner.
Its about me.
Yeah. This looks ok.
No. Its not gonna read on camera unless theres a lot.
Uh... I lived in New York for eleven months.
What can I say? I love music. If I had to choose a lifetime without music or without s*x
Are we doing this or not?
My blood-sugar is getting low!
Thats it. Im done.
Ive got somewhere to be.
Hey
This guy? Youre really gonna make out with this guy?
You really think you can replicate the chemistry that you and I have... with this guy?
Ill see you at 5:00.

Dont vaccinate it.
Hey.
Yeah
Okay
Yes
Probably
You know
Heard you guys are looking for cash for the wedding?
Question for you. Would you guys rather have $100 now
Because you just give me $50 to cover the broker fee
Instead of $5
I was the youngest VP in the company history.
Um... also--
Where were you guys? Do you know how long Ive been waiting here?
Then do it.
Write a book.
Well first of all
What you have are specific families. Whats the guys last name?
Whoa
Ahh
Id rather not say.
...it should go with the persona you already have.
Twenty.
Deal.
This reminds me
Id rather not say.
Thats really not the trend in vampires right now.
Ive always found beauty in uncommon places. Homeless people. Graffiti. Photography lets me capture all that. Have you ever been photographed before?
Well heres what Ive been doing around here. Its for a series on exposure in the workplace.
Hey.
Quick question.
Are you scared?
We heard about the punch.
Im getting concerned that you dont seem to understand whats going to happen. Do you?
alright. See you there.
You dont have to keep saying I do declare. Any time you say something it means you are declaring.
Ill use it when youre done.
Uh
The companys probably going under
Seems like its leaning one way.
Definitely.
So should we wait to find out before we start doing all this stuff?
Do you love her or do you love the idea of her?
Heres the thing. Um
That Id kinda rather not do it all then do a crappy version.
Sounds like you have a really specific vision for it. Do you wanna maybe just take a whack at it?
What?
Great.
Yep
Well
Mmm-hmm.
I will
Uh
Is there internet?
Hows it going? Good day?
Um
I found a copy of it in the copier tray.
I want the same thing you want. I want to take Jim Halpert down. I want in.
Uh
Ugh.
Whoa
Im doing something over here.
What are you talking about?
No no no.
Yeah! That was the idea.
Awesome!
Michael
Um
Did you see Saw?
No
Okay
Could we lure him into an old warehouse or something?
Yes!
We do what they did in Saw! ... I mean
Well suggest something else then! Dont just...
Dont just criticize my idea!
You think of something then!
Nick.
Like Frodo!
Well
Nick. We could make things very
Threatening you? No.  tries to crush an aluminum can
Jim dug his own grave
I would love to.  elevator doors close
Well
I am not interested in anything I have to make myself!
You let me in your bed. But now
Ha ha
Because its St. Patricks Day
Why are you being so weird about this?
Why no kids?
Its my -
No its - how would he even know the Kardashians?
No
Guys
One second.
Guys
If we save em up
I know
Its Kevin as Cookie monster from Sesame Street.
Good work
C.C. me
Thats a little derivative.
Uh
Okay...
Tell her everyone in home room thinks shes fat.
Its easy... you just turn every question around on them. Do you think youre treated differently because of your race?
And then the two of us are cleanin house.
Some diner?! It was the Starlight Diner! Its in a LIFE magazine spread about Americana.
Does she keep her phone locked around you
Does she leave the room when she takes phone calls? Does she keep perfume in her purse? Does she shower before s*x? Does she shower after s*x? Does she...
Sorry
Is there a curtain rod in the room?
Okay.
I dont know why you were in that part of the bookstore.
All right
Im not scream-- Im not screaming.
Good for you
He takes what he wants.
You know what? I think youre attractive
You read my mind.
Yep.
Its hard to live that way man. You gotta really not care what people think about you. I-I dont know how you do it
Woof is a site that Im launching to be the last word in social networking. For just $12.99 a month
Thank you
Its not like they have anything else to do
Picture this: fifty ancient zombies
Okay
I was making a horror movie. But the retirement home wont let me use any of their old people. They wouldnt even let me ask.
No.
Okay
I guess if the director of Paranormal Activity can take a bunch of unknowns and a crap location and make it a hit
Cut! Got it! Very authentic looking. Amazing.
We needed a real reaction for the scene to work and we got it. Congratulations.   Youre amazing.   You are so good!
A prop knife actually costs ten times more than a real knife and we have lots of knives
Well Gabe
Its unprofessional for you. But for me
Whoa. Wait. Stop right there. Your voice
Yeah.
Awesome. Ill direct. Ill produce. Ill act. Ill write the score. Ill be the first to wear all four hats.
mmm I guess so. But does he also play his own soundtrack?   Lets make a movie guys
Havent you heard? During renovations
Wuphf.com!
This is how you build a business. This is how you make it in this country.
-and you jump in front of them.
America is one big mall.
The glasses are a little...  Dwight drops glasses to the floor
Yeah
But if he doesnt?
I-I dont think they usually...skate to such...bad songs.
Okay. Stark Industries isnt real. I run Google. Larry and Sergey brought me in-
Will do.   Wont do.
Its really good. Its a classic. I think you might win the whole thing with that.
No.
Hey
Yeah
Fifty seven. Fifty eight.
Shake things up. Im a Nader guy.
Hope you brought your pipes. Were about to smoke the opium of the masses.
Ive heard of that place. If you go to Cabo San Lucas
For all their generosity of spirit
Hello.
Teach for America girls are way hotter
Welcome to the party. Everybody have their kool-aid?
Hey! Marantz Tubes Sterio. From the 1970s. I respect that. I respect that a lot. Oh hoho. The five Chinese Berilidy Herbs. No kidding. This is powdered seahorse. They say that fifteen Chinese soldiers fought off the entire army of Gangus Kong just using this stuff. You know what they say...
What is this
Were behind.
Hows It Going?
Hey
Whats up Facebook?
You shouldve sent me a WUPHF.
When you send a WUPHF
Thanks Erin.
I love it.
Great
We could sell
New Investors are key
Today
Or we could do that together
Awesome.
Hows everybody doing?!
Good! Now
For my current investors
Washington University. I dont even want to think about selling until our numbers get into the billions.
So Ive decided to open up a second round of investment to friends and family.
No
Fun
Well
We have nine solid days. I love these questions. Keep em coming.
Check this out.
Well
A lot of these guys are just Mac.com
Okay
WUPHF T-Shirts. Who wants one? Just imagine that youre at spring break
Everyones like
Yo
Whats he dropping?! Wow
The first lesson of Silicon Valley
Baby
No
I help you with your things and you help me with my things.
I got this
The Washington University Public Health Fund.
The domain name. Yeah
Have some faith in this idea!
Yes. You alone do
Michael
Hey
I have nothing but ideas. The thing is
Look
Oh
Well
Think about this. You and me on a private plane flown by our private pilot--
Eating our private meal cooked by our private chef.
We totally should.
I gotta work on this.
Yeah.
Im betting on myself.
Hey. Its an ambush here. Nobody here believes in this company. Will you tell them theyre wrong?
Oh... Uh
Okay. I wont let you down.
Im on it Jim. Im on it.
Got it. China has fifty six cities with a population of over one million. The US has... nine.
Actually
Where is Tibet?
When was China founded?
Who is Mao?
Just in case Michael
Hes rubbing his neck. Hes rubbing his neck!
Hes rubbing his neck.
Theres no connection between the origin story and the quest.
We need to know who Jimmy Halpert was before he was bitten by the bear. Otherwise
Well
Well
Okay.
Its amazing. Its so great. Thank you.
Hey
An F train to Brooklyn. Extra bitters.
Okay
The other way.
I just feel blocked. Like Im living
Yeah.
Thats real
Okay
No
In you go.
Yup.
And?
Okay. I dont... I dont like committing to things just like that.
No
Yes.
Yes
And if I flake
Just so you know
Its not irrelevant. Details
We are getting divorced
No
No Oscar
Ok fine
Speaking of
Hey. Youre looking for me?
No you werent.
You wanted to have s*x in my office.
No. Its... its cool. Just try to put everything back were you found it. Text me when youre finished. Ill be out here.
Anybody can be Prince Charming one day a year with the dinner and the flowers and all that. But you know what impresses me? When a guy can do that no days a year.
Ryan is acting as an official for the competition taking place. A line is formed in front of a line on the ice. Standing behind it are Michael Scarn
You should enter it in festivals!
Right this isnt the U.S. Government.
Everything... Everything.
Hey cats
Sometimes you over react.
Free sample?
My mom makes the best pesto in the world. And I always tell her Mom you should sell this
No I meant like uh
Thank you. Whatcha got there?
My mom also makes the best salsa.
Blogs are out but people are texting each other no more animals
Nice.
Cant really tell the...
Will you marry me Holly?
That is so badass. So hardcore.
holds up painting of desert to office
I love when people say like crack when theyve obviously never done crack.
I dont know
Yeah thats great.
Why dont you ask my therapist
How do I feel about not winning Hottest in the Office this year? Uhm
You helped me get off drugs!
Wow.  camera pans over to show that the light is from Michaels St. Pauli Girl Sign
This is... totally unnecessary.
No.
Hey hey
The problem with having It or the X-factor or whatever it is you want to call it
Im sorry
Because what would you have done in that situation
Id die for you too.
Hey
Youre the best. Thank you.
So I am the new customer service supervisor.
And I am also a very dutiful boyfriend when --
All the time.
Okay
Hey! Kelly
Oh
I did not see Rango.
Oh
I felt terrorized.
Dwight
You guys
Cause hes totally gay?
Um
Oh no
Little advice? Take a day off from the whole Jim schtick. Try caring about something. You might like how it feels... James.  closes his office door
I want an outsider.
No
No
Let me guess who you want
I got away with... everything
Take care
Okay
How much memory does it have without the booster?
Im sorry
Uh
I like it
SoHos mostly lofts but OK.
Nice. Right back where I like you.   Can you make ten copies of this for me?
Why not? What are you doing?
Ah
OK
Just give us the address. Well look it up online.
Whats the dress code on this?
This is not funny
Its not broken
Id like to make a toast to the troops. All the troops. Both sides.
Thats because you didnt bring a jacket.
Yeah! Im too hot anyway.
If you get into season 1
Whoopi Goldberg.
Oh my god!
We cant do this Dwight.
Dwight would never be that obvious. Try something like...z64$8.   Not that exactly Jim
Oh!  everyone yelling out
Hey – asking for a friend. Do you happen to know if that new girl is single?
Yeah me too.
So word on the street is she has a boyfriend.
Yes! Have you seen her in a bikini? Amazing?
Hey
Yeah
Okay
Whats the halal option?
Out.
Robert
May I go first?
Raw fish- the disgusting food from Japan that Americans would never want to eat. Now
Well I had to memorize the presentation
Okay
Robert I hate to interrupt. But I would love to pitch you one last idea. I call it the Big Mac idea.
Its really
You know what? Now I remember. That was your idea.   That is 100 percent your idea.
Thats why my foundation – The Dream for a Wish Foundation – is going to put them out of business. Theyre not going to know what hit them.
Actually Ryan.
Bitttch!
Yes!
Will do.
Whoo!
But look
You cant click on these Kardashian links
Im trying but you need to-
That doesnt sound right. I want to say
Yeah?
Okay
I wont look at it.
I cant- I cant not touch it.
Look
Oh
Robert
With ammunition like this we are in for quite a night
To both these bears.
I mean
To madness.
Robert
Hey
Eh
Why am I shorter than the table that Im standing next to?
What are the criteria for going?
Stop calling us guys.
Stop. Stop it Andy.
You have two young dynamic people in this office who know trends
Not both. Just one
But...
No no
You know what might be great? Is if instead of a genius bar we have a lounge area where people can ask questions about the product with other customers who liked it.
It seems to me that the Apple store is kind of like a party. So I think our question is: How do we make this a better party?
Right. Think different
Me neither. Hey
No
Hey
Okay
So whos leading this thing
I cant wait to meet him.
I-
Dude
Dwight?
Oh! Who called it? Nothin but net.
I can field this one.
Ill have a glass of your oakiest chardonnay
A waffle?
No.
Oh
You come with me. Were gonna get you that waffle.
Why would Erin confide in me that shes staying here in Florida if she didnt want me to make some last-ditch
Yeah
Girls know a lot of stuff too
Hello
Right.
Got that.   Get down.
Shh! do you want us to get scolded? Shut your beautiful
Hey.
Hey.
Hey
I know. Can I give you a compliment? Im really impressed by how much youve grown. Since I met you
Yeah?
Really?
Yeah.
Six months?... um
Are you holding this chair?
‘cause I feel like Im gonna fall off.
Im not wearing the right shoes for this.
When people see this presentation
Sabre. Its time to come home.
Yeah
You know what?
God. I wish Kelly were here. She always knew what to say.
Youre so ignorant. You barely know what youre talking about. That is so ridiculous. You really need to read a couple books.
On my God. Youre so embarrassing.  My mom would say the best stuff
And you know that Im capable of this.
What did you think of the presentation?
Oh! Fix means you hate it! I knew it! I need something to drink!
No
Hey Uncle Lucas
Dont talk to me right now. Im sorry. I- I know youre my boss
Sabre... Its time... to come home.
Thought you checker my Tumblr?
Well
How long do you think its been up there
Hey
Yeah!
Hey
Um
Dont shake the baby. Um
Yeah.
Oh
Me too.
Kelly and I broke up and she can do whatever she wants. And her new boyfriend seems awesome
Hey
Maybe we werent right together
I found this the other day while I was journaling and they reminded me of you.
Yeah
You were being really bratty about where we would go out to dinner. But all I remember is how pretty you looked
Im in love with Kelly Kapoor. And I dont know how Im gonna feel tomorrow or the next day or the day after that
Hey
Well thats your opinion and its her opinion
Well a lot of people would say that Im a better match for Kelly than Ravi is.
For Kelly?
Kelly
No. It would cause me too much pain.
This poem would crush you!
You see
You are toxic! You are toxic!
Kelly
Well you do a lot
What is your problem?   Hey
Can we turn this  -ing thing around? Thank you.
Thank you. Kelly
Will you roll those dice with me?
No you dont.
No you dont.
What?
No
Smokeys dead.
Smokey Robinson Pam. He died like an hour ago
Oh you liked him? Thats nice. Did you like when he changed the course of American music like two or three times? Did you like that tracks of my tears is maybe the last true love song ever written? Im glad you liked him Jim. I am completely devastated right now.
Huh?
Oh God
Um... God
Okay
Okay
Thats... Thats not the point!
Okay
Okay well
Yeah... Whos opening?
Paul Anka?! How can they make the Smoke Man play with someone like that? I dont think I can see this.
How much is parking
Dont call me a clown
Oh
Ive actually done a lot of market research and it actually turns out that southwestern Ohio is going to be the next Silicon Valley. They call it the Silicon Prairie. Its a big university town. And
Kelly
Hey.
No
So I was dating this girl
Say hi
Yeah.
No Kelly
Ravi? Ravi? Drake has a bit of a rash. And hes hot.
I was wondering could you maybe examine him for a second?
Actually
Thank you Ravi. Thank you so much. This is great for me and for Drake. Thank you.
Hell be fine. I let me suck on a strawberry. Hes allergic but hell get over it fast. I had to talk to you.
I love you.
Were gonna be together forever.
I finally mastered commitment.
Are you sure about that?
Excuse me.
Kay. Kay.
Yeah
Well I appreciate what you guys are saying but it
Its very.
All right
So did the merger go smoothly
Hey
I liked your statement tonight.
Oh
See you later.
He asked for a line
OK
Eleven
Then youre an old hand at this.
Fine. Please be brief.
What does this have to do with sales?
Do you have a card?
These are expensive Ray-Bans
Do you mind if we share this bale?
Theres no charge to sit on the hay
I mean
I mean
No
Pay Place.
Thats humorous.
So
My wife passed away a few years ago.
Thank You.
Next up
Dwight
Go ahead and read it
Hey! Lincolns starting.
Quit it.
Oh
Eh
If started by accident as these things tend to do. You know
Yeah. Little hat.
Yeah.
Eh
Hey! Its Andy Bernard!
Hey
Hey
No
It sounds good. Seriously
Just tell her Ill talk to her later.
What the hell is this? What are you trying to cop a feel or something? Huh Halpert?
An alliance? What the hell is he talking about?
Come on.
Yeah
Dont listen to him Pam. Trust me
Thats what Im talking about.
OK.
All right
steals the ball
What the hell man?
No
No
Hey baby.
Look at Larry Bird. Larry Legend.
Yeah? Lets get you into a tub.
Hey
Why dont you get on that?
What are you gay?
Thats disgusting.
Man
Engaged
Whats up?
Are you still mad at me?
Come on
Come on
Are you still mad at me now?
Are you mad at me now?
Huh? huh? Come on... Come on
I was just kidding. You know I didnt mean it. I cant...
Yes.
Ah
Yeah
...talking about? Hes a jackass every year.
Come on
Pam. Go.
Boys R Us!
Hey
So you dont have the biggest package. Dont feel bad.
You look like you feel bad.
Little package!
You look good.
Natural redhead.
Thats her?
No!
At the party?
How are ya?
You look great!
Okay
All right
Hey! Guys
Whats up? Can I hang out with you guys for a bit?
The warehouse guys are a bunch of jackasses sometimes.
Uh... Oh
Hey
Youre all gay.
Youre joking right?
This is awesome.
Yeah
I dont know. Probably like
I think after I lost Culpepper and T.O it was over
Its possible. I cant believe you traded Shaun Alexander
Come on! Shaun Alexander? Hes the best back in the league.
Oh
Never.
Yeah.
No
Where did you go to school?
Piss slop who cares-a? We played you! You... you really look familiar. Did you... you cheered for them
I remember that! We crushed you like 42-10!
Whoo! Whos next? Come on
Come on!
Ive just gotta wait for Darryl to do his shot. Just a minute. Come on!   Darryl! Darryl!
When you were in the Navy
Hello
No
We can go back in
Okay
No.
I think hes dancing.
Nope.
You mean the thing?
Why?
I dont understand.
Jim... Halpert. Hey uh
No
You know
So
All right.
Sweet.
Pam shushes me. It drives me crazy.
I hate it when girls insist on taking them out to new restaurants every weekend night and then theyre like When are we going to go on a date-date?
Like next to no benefits.
Exactly.
Thats what Im talking about.
Absolutely.
In my truck.
Hey babe.
You almost ready to go?
Whats wrong?
What
Well
Pam! Pam! I love this guy!   Come on!
So
Yeah! Thats great.
She took you down
Hey
Yeah
Whatever. Im in charge of the music.
Sweet. All right.
Sorry
Okay. Hey
If you still want a honeymoon. Hey
See you.
Well
Well
Isnt it locked?
Wait
Chicken or fish?
So you havin a good day?
Good
After Pam dumped me
Hey.
You look nice.
Excuse me
Theres nothing wrong with your car. I just thought you might like a break from the grief counseling session.
How are you likin the new car?
Yeah? Sure is small. Got airbags?
Well
I dont know. Whos... uh
What does that mean?
I dont really want to work here without Pam. You know that Cinderella song
Crazy day
Yeah
So I only use three?
OK. And where to do you get all those cool bows?
OK. Are you sure I cant use like
Hey. All right
Which one is she?
You dont know?
Hes in the office.
Mike
That corporate booty
Hey
I was definitely right.   Oh
Im not really into strippers. You know what I find sexy? Pams art. Shes an artist and I appreciate that. Its very moving and sexy. The art.
Hey.
I know I normally dont notice these kind of things but uh... This weddings really nice! I mean
I know youre probably not going to remember this
I uh guess I wasnt really too involved in the planning.
Sorry about that.
You think this sucks for you? I was the one who actually wanted to get married.
Hey
I know. Uh... I gave them twenty bucks. You want to dance?
Hey
I cant for your art show tonight.
I-I wouldnt miss it for the world.
Love ya.
Good. Alright I brought my brother
How bout this
Its cool if I go
To my place?
Your art.. was the prettiest art of... all art.
I cant. My brother
Ok.
Hey.
You said it was important
You guys
Yeah? Get you a drink.
One
On this side.
Not here. Not here. Its either here or here.   Not here.  .
I can read you like a book.
You cant keep anything from me.
What?
Thats awesome. Thats what I want.
I didnt do anything. Ask anyone
What?
Jim came on to you?
No
Dont yell?!
Yeah
Are they going to call the cops?
Jet ski money?
Im gonna kill Jim Halpert.
Hey Halpert!
Ahh God!
Hey man
Please. I just got some stuff I gotta say to you.  Pam nods
Im so sorry
So you gonna start datin Halpert then?
Oh yeah... Wait a minute
But youre not even gonna try to go out with him?   I dont get you Pam.
Halpert?
Im not gonna hit you or anything.
You good?
Im good.
Hey Darryl
Hey
Whats going on with Pam?
Yeah?
Really?
Huh.
Congrats
So Pams happy?
Wow.
I thought you were a friend.
Darryl! Ha-ha! Whats happening?
Ah
Aw
Are you kidding?
Come on. If it wasnt for you
Thanks...aw.
Started a gravel company. I mean
Yeah. What about you? What are you doing?
Oh
So
You know how I said I was taking boxing lessons? Actually
Oh
Great. Were all set.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Great.
Thank you. Thank you very much. OK. Thanks for filling these out and I promise thisll be quick. At Diversity Today
Uh
Thats fighting ignorance with more ignorance.
No. With more ignorance.
Right. Exactly. Uh
Right. OK.
Yes
Actually
Thank you very much. And it would also help me if you were seated.
Thank you. OK. Now
Um...
Well
Mr. Brown.
Well
So were going to reenact this with a more positive outcome.
Well
Great. Guy listening. Ok
Great. Youre the Chris Rock guy and youre guy listening.
Wait a second.
Stop it!
Now
Oh
OK.
Ok
Now
I cant leave until you do.
Michael
We both know that Im here because of the comments you made.
Um
Yes
Those are my instructions from the Corporate offices to put you through this seminar for the comments that you made. The reason I made copies for everyone was so you wouldnt be embarrassed.
Dont worry about dating.
OK. Thank you.
Hey
Im sorry.
I love their sandwiches.
Really? Today?
Oh
Yeah
Hi
Hey
Yeah
Eighty-nine.
Yeah.
A girl.

Michael?
Um... I need to talk to you in your office. Itll just take two seconds.
The full story is that Randall resigned because of sexual harassment. So Corporate asked me to do a five minute review of the Company Sexual Harassment policy.
Its really not a big deal
And then Corporate is going to send in a lawyer...
Just to refresh you... .
on our policy.
Maybe not some of them. Maybe not inappropriate ones.
Yeah
So remember
Great point.
Um... in fact
Uh
I can go over it with you.
Its over.
Office relationships are never a good idea. Yeah. So lets just try to avoid them. But
Ok
No.
Well
Okay
Hey Dwight.
Sure.
Technically
Yeah
I should get back to work.
He talked the whole time.
Um
You dont need to write ex.
Michael...
Any word on those time cards?
We want to go home.
That is unbelievable.
Arent the suggestions meant for you?
I got Angela. She is into these posters of babies dressed as adults. I got her one of those. I felt kind of weird buying that.
Well
Were really not supposed to serve alcohol.
Wow
What
What do you need?
I dont think Pams gonna want to come into the mens room.
Ryan
Dead.
No. Cant
You just got your corporate credit card back. Do you really want me to take it away again?
Im not processing this.
He seems fine to me.
Thats no burst pipe.
Been to Amsterdam.
To Amsterdam.
Umm... After my divorce. Yeah.
Uh
Come on.
Okay
Alright
I think these belong to you.
Believe me
Is everything okay?
Uh... its true...
Mmhmm.
Well
Not Jan.
If you really want to have kids
Somehow.
Yes.
Didnt you lose a lot of money on that other investment
Who brought in donuts?
Happy birthday!
I... guess I forgot.
Are you serious?
Honestly
I dont really think people are in the laughing mood.
I work here.
Oh
Hookah is not an illegal drug
No its not. Its a type of pipe. You can fill it with tobacco
You cant do that.
Thats not random.
Just letting Oscar vent a little. We would use the break room
Its just a little dispute over a poster in their workspace.
Michael
Heres how I usually handle this: all I do is listen.
These things just have a way of working themselves out.
Its like if you write someone a letter
Okay.
That was the right decision for me and my marriage.
You solved it?
Well
Mmm-Hm.
I... I cant do that.
That...
Its all Dwights.
Every Friday at 4
Actually
Yeah
To your HR representative.
Fine
Sure.
Just take it.  flashes goes off
Talk to Michael. I gave him the box.
Actually
Ill call.
I have good cards.
I dont really play cards
OK I think Oscar would just like if you used lame or something like that.
No not really...
Apparently you called Oscar faggie for liking the movie Shakespeare in Love more than an action movie.
All right Michael
I mean for real.
No
OK
OK
All right
What?
Really? Shes dating?
Hey
Its
Um
Okay.
Michael
What?
It was obvious...
Second?
Actually
Yes.
Michael
Jan told me just a few minutes before she told you.
Well for a minute there
Hey.
Ah
About seven.
Well
Hey
Hey
Oh
How are you? Hey. Welcome back.
No
No
So... okay.
All right... sorry... sorry about that.
It was just...
Nothing.
Um... You might want these orientation materials.
I dont... I dont think we can do that.
This is Toby. Hey Pam. Where are you calling from?
Michael. Whys everyone locked in the conference room?
Well
You know theyre teasing you. I mean... obviously
Oh
Dwight
Come on Dwight. We went over this
Its a dead animal in an office. You cant...
Im sorry.
Clean it in your car.
Hey Dwight. Pretty nice robe-   Why?
Hey Kev.
Hey I need to talk to you right now.
About you and Jan.
Wish it were true
Michael
You know
All right
All right
At the gym.
Toby! Yeah!
The simple solution would be to open a window... if we had... windows that could open.
Oh
Well
Here.
I was...
Yes.
Im... here
Well
Yeah
Which is where?
Thanks Dwight.
Can you stop...
Theres a bunch of people back here
Guys...
I dont think Michael intended to punish me
Where?
Alright.
No.
How would we get home?
Hi
Just preparing for the deposition.
This may be the first time that a male subordinate has attempted to get a modest scheduled raise by threatening to withhold s*x from a female superior. It will be a groundbreaking case when it inevitably goes to trial.
Sure.
Ok
Um
No
Well
You know
Sedentary.
Creed is eating an apple. I found a potato.
Nice.
Hey
Whats going on?
I dont think laughing about it is an appropriate response.
I dont think the women in this office -
I was at a parent-teacher conference.
Hey
I-I think we hang out an appropriate amount of time.
Anybody need sun block? Got SPF 30.
Its Beach Day...
Hey
Uh-huh.
No
Yeah.
Oh
Alright
Hey!
Im makin great time. Usually I have to take a bathroom break half way through a race like this
And the winner is Toby Flenderson.
Where are we?
He couldnt have made it a circle?
Ohh.
Yes
...about some other people engaging in PDA and
Ok
Alright everyone
Yes.
Hey...   you two.
Oh well
Uh huh.
Lets just wait and see what happens.   You know?
Lets just wait.
Technically
Hey guys. This is my
This is everybody else... okay... This is the place... so thanks for the lift.
Absolutely.  Toby kisses Amy for an extended period of time
I just really like you.
Have a great day!
I wouldnt want to do that now would I?
It was Ryan wanted Michael
To whomever
I know right? I just want to go
Alright
Fun?
Really?
What was fun about it for you? Was it the death of the twins?
Did you even read it?
Who was the main character?
I really didnt think I was going to have a good time
Oh
Michael.
Under the stars. It was really beautiful
Me
Ryan invited me to go on his wilderness adventure retreat. It was this amazing
Michael wasnt invited.
Hey Jim.
Hey
Yeah...
My birthday was two months ago.
There was no party.
Well
I dont know
I just though you could add me. I dont see the harm in that.
Im allergic to mushrooms.
Michael
Um
...You know
Excuse me.
I might have it in here.
Its so random that I have it.
When I put it in I thought it would be a waste of time
No.
Sorry guys
Hey
Course you do.
More like Everyone lets get your boss laid Saturday.    Toby puts his hand on Pams knee
Can I talk to you a second?
Uh
Well
Yeah.
He didnt seem like he was joking.
Alright... Well
Um
You know
Id say all the goofing around at Pams desk
Well
Morning.
Good morning
Fine. Good.
As part of my last day Im training the new Human Resources rep in the ways of the company. Again
So this is H.R. This is your desk.
Yeah
Hey
I want to introduce you to...
Hey Michael.
Id like to introduce you to my replacement.
Come on.
Michael Scott
Nothing.
Youre-youre not in it.
I love it. I love it... I would love a picture of the two of us
No
Im gonna... Ill go get one. Stay.
Whatd you guys do?
Well
Wow
Hi Pam. Stay.
Im Toby.
This place
Ive got some ideas
Well let me see... I would
I guess everythings okay.
I made it this far
Suck on this.
Thanks
I normally do nothing
Hey. Hey
Yeah
This one right here.
Its digital
Thanks...   Really
Its not.
Oh
Hey.
Well
The lady cop acted like shed never pulled someone over for driving too slow. And I tried to get out of it with the famous Toby Flenderson 10
Damn it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I remember.
Thanks Kelly.
Colorblind.
Its out of context. Its not the same as driving.
Well
I spent three years in advertising before I came here.
Hes gonna ruin everything.
I like it just us three.   I dont want it to change.
I love The Finer Things Club. My ex-wife used to have a book club
Forcing your employees to set you up is not a
Well
But now its being looked at as more of a productivity issue.
I know
This is Jim Halpert...
And Pam Beesly.
Youre welcome.
This is a picture Ive been carrying around in my wallet for about six years. Its this unspoiled beach in Costa Rica
Hey.
Hey.
Yeah
Yeah. Um
Think you could... wants to hand the camera to Jim
Uh
Okay
Well
Im gonna really miss going to beers with you guys every Tuesday night  Pam holds up soda in salute
...building looked into...
in a hospital bed
Hi
Well thanks Michael.
Well thats sweet
Well
...and
It was actually kind of hard to meet people I found.
And uh
Are you all right
Hey guys thats really inappropriate.
Im not going to punch you
No
Hey
Why?
Hey
Hey
Dont search my stuff.
I have a reasonable right to privacy.
Michael!
Oh my God!
That was... I went to Costa Rica for a few months. What is going on?
That is not mine. I have never seen that before.
What is going on here?
Of course not!
I didnt put caprese salad in my drawer
Did you?
You know but the police could have been out there you know
I did leave.
Well
What?
We should really have the offices air quality tested. We have radon coming from below
Youll see.
Michael
Michael
Okay you know
Sure. Wow.   Ow...
Hey Sasha
No
This is great. My ex-wifes going to be so pissed.   For once daddys gonna be a hero.
Hey
Oh
I was-- I was gonna get the doll.
But I-- I promised my daughter. Darryl
I only have $200.
Oh man
Oh thanks. Shes gonna...   oh...
No. Its even-- its even better than the one I wanted.
Michael is like a movie on a plane. You know
Not much? Whats up with you?   Nah its okay. Im in the bathroom. Hey you been watching Damages this year? Its so good. No
I have like
You have to stop.
Cant you just not look at his feet?
Well
I could loan you a pair of socks.
No
Hey
Your outfit.
You--you might consider pulling it down a touch. Its ri--its riding up a little high.
All right
All right
Im running this meeting.
Its not. Its not. Sit down or I am writing you up.
Casual Fridays are cancelled.   Lets just not do it anymore.
Theres not a single appropriate outfit in this whole--except mine
Ah
Really
What are you guys talking about? I have a daughter. How can I be a virgin?
And thats how you broke your ankle?
I will send this off to corporate. Make sure you hold on to your medical bills. Feel better.
He has a doctors note.
A guy on my street fell off a ladder painting his house. It was on the news.
Thats not a very good Darryl.
Hmmm.
Well
Sounds like a EMDP-40.
Youre into trains?
Wow.
Thats so cool.
Wow
Well
Uhh
Get over there! Get over there!
I cant believe this.   Hey you
You gonna eat all that dog food yourself?
Just keep going.
If they were dilated...
No
Hey Darryl
What?
Well
You really did it...
Ahhh
So Dwight and Darryl came to an agreement that both would file complaints with corporate and now I get to do all this paperwork. We worked it out.
Michael
What?

Well I guess this weddings not going to happen. I wonder if this is it for them.
Well the fun is in it.
Yeah
Oscar says I checked out huh? Huh.
Hey
Oh
What did I do?
Yeah
Um
Yeah
Ah
Ok
Yeah... thats why they pay me the big bucks.
Im good...
You know
Hey Pam
Well
Maybe you could just take the rest of the day off... you know...
Buddy
Pam
I heard about the hit. Just-- make sure its off company property
Okay
Okay. And-- the-the power-- comes from the back foot. So its-- its all one motion through the-- body. So you stay a little low and theres a twist. You keep your shoulder down and you kind of throw out the arm.   Pow!
Yes.
Yes.
Okay.
Wow Michael
You cant
No!
Wow! Cause...
Thank you!
Thanks man!  awkwardly tries to hug Ryan
What are
Come on
Sorry. Hey
What do you mean?
Um... nothing comes to mind.
Mm-hmm.
Happys a funny word.
You know
Yes.
Generally happy.
Oh
I dont know.
I dont know. No.
I dont know how Im going to get through this. I dont want to lie and I DONT want to tell the truth.
Well
Its
Look
Michael
Oop.
Looks like we kicked it.
Oh
If we dont patronise the only Syrian restaurant in town
Does it have to be pizza? Could go for a
I dont think this fax is going through. Is there a different... I can just put it through again
I called Tallahassee. He can ask you not to come in
Yeah
This here is a radon test kit.   Okay I will be putting em everywhere. And... please dont throw these out.   This is a radon test kit.   Please dont throw these out.   See them all over the office.
Come on
Please sit down.
I dont wanna do this.
Hey everyone.
Well
Good.
Oh
Oh
Oh... yes.
Write your own damn novel.
Im hungry.
Well
Guys
Yeah
Whats something that you...
Michael has been assigned six hours of mandatory counseling with a trained professional. I actually have a degree in social work. I mean
We can do this with more privacy.
Id like you to imagine a place where you feel very peaceful. For me
Uh... what was your favorite flavor of...
What?
Ok
Michael
Tell me!
I think we might be about to maybe really get somewhere.
Of course.
Come on Michael. Those are all fake stories.
Oh.
You know what Michael? Youre right. You win. This is pointless. Were not getting anywhere. I got a bunch of fun stuff
We can play something more complicated if you like.
So you have played it before?
Whos Jeff?
So
Did you guys do much stuff together?
Its working. Im doing it!
Its really sad that your dog ran away. Why did it keep you from going to the park?
Why?
Dogs dont do that.
I dont know.
Its very important for you to be liked
Im just trying to help you Michael.
I just want to...
Just fill them out any way you want.
Ill have Erin fax them back to corporate.
Yes.
He seems fine.
Heh.
You filled them in and faxed them yourself!
You remember that.
Unless part of you made that mistake on purpose.
Its a great stick
Thanks!
No.
Oh.
Sunday church service... its been a few years. The Big Guy and I
Okay
standing in the church sanctuary
Hi guys.
Uh
Uh
Okay
Well
Yes.
I dont know.
Come on.
Guys
I can neither confirm nor deny this. Lets just say Ill be up to my neck in jury duty.
Corporate will be sending someone else to take my place for a while.
Uh
Yeah
Yeah.
Hey.
Uh
I cant talk about it or Ill get removed from the jury.
I know people are only this excited to talk to me because of the trial. But
Oh
Theres this female uh
Who looks exactly like you.
Yeah. No
What?
No
No
In meetings.
I really disagree with this. I think its kind of hateful. Though I am a little happy right now to have a platform to talk about the outcome of a case I was recently a juror on. The Scranton Strangler. That mans being put to death. I was part of the verdict
Well you know Michael
Okay.
Heres the thing Rory
Do- Well you should give him a little time to settle in. But-
Well
Thanks.
Hey
Oh
I am supposed to collect eyewitness accounts. Who saw Dwight do this?
Would you consider this a terrorist incident?
Oh
Uh
Im sorry
W-What?
How will your experience selling refinery equipment translate to our smaller scale here?
Uh... Human Resources.
Yes.
So
Well
Well
Im sorry
I didnt think you were.
But there arent...
Well
No
I should not be here. Im in the- I was in the wrong- Im- Im sorry. Uh
I would spend a lot of time launching my true crime podcast
Hey
Uh
Its probably okay...
I think its better that I...
Its a finicky car...
Its a little tricky
Every Halloween I tell him the same thing - You cant bring weapons into the office
If you turn out the lights well do a little dance.
Great.
So great.
Oh
...bones. What?
What... you cant... Gabe? Are you...
For you?
Who are you seeing? Thats gr...
Oh.
You know I dont have to do the paperwork unless youre actually dating.
But I mean...uh have you talked to her? Is sh...
Do you know her last name
Shes going to be screaming her own last name?
Good luck Gabe.
Its going to be nice to have just a healthy
Radiant.
You know its not just pregnant women who dont get their due. You know whos gorgeous? Helen Mirren.
You know what would be the hottest thing ever? Its a pregnant Helen Mirren.
Did you bring your passport with you?
Well
No.
Oh my god.
You know this sounds a lot like the premise of my latest Chad Flendermen novel. A murder for framing.
Chad Flendermen. Just an easy going black guy
No
Fingerprints can be planted. You know with a severed hand...
.....Chad Flendermens kryptonite.
Well
Note? Its a symphony.
I would love that.
Toby
Bears.
To madness.
And I am Bacchuss friend!
You know
You mean food truck. Ernestos was a food truck.
Ernesto!
Yeah
Its the empanada guy.
It has been a long
It is real
Me?
Yeah
Self-defense is not some fun boxing match
That may have been my fault.
Okay
I dont think thats very common.
Well
Its interesting that youre drawn to the point of view of the attacker.  You would like the turn of the table. Okay
All right
Now
Theres no shame in getting beaten up by a girl. My ex-wife used to demolish me.
Okay
Okay. Good point...
I dont... I dont...
I dont know if this is gonna help...Uh...
We should stay to maybe some more traditional models...
Okay
Okay
Knock
What?
You cant claim territories. This is the only place I interact with people. Cant you sell at your church or barber shop?   Or chess club
Thats it? Yeah
Hey
No
See?
No
You know
Im
No.
50?
And this is Sam.
Yeah
Dont make me be your pony
Yeah. I have my dignity too. I refuse to be another mans horsey.
Robert did say youd be joining us. Welcome. Im Tony.
I- I said Im Tony. Okay I made a mistake. I thought it might go unnoticed. But uh
It happens
Erin
Me?
Now
I like to think Lloyd Gross is a no-nonsense guy who doesnt back down from anybody. And he calls people Kimosabe.
Thats true. Theres no rule. You can check the employee handbook. Oh
No.
Ive seen guys like you. Big guys who like to push the little guys around. Lloyd Gross eats bullies like you for breakfast.
Hey
Andy
I can refer you to someone to talk to.
Give you a name or-
Hey
Do you see David Wallace in the room right now?
Kelly Kapoor is gone. Her fiancé Ravi was hired as a pediatrics professor at Miami university.
Miami University in Ohio. On her last day
Shortly after Kelly left
Theres two new guys back there with me now. Theyre in their 20s. And we really get along.
Just three single guys. Getting into trouble.
Hey you wanted to see me?
You can only fire Nellie for cause.
Except you just told me you were gonna make it up. Now if she sues
Cant. I took a course at the Weintraub Memory Academy. I sat next to this woman named Beverly Brook. She had a Greek salad for lunch. See what I mean?
This is a bloodbath. Alright
It is enough of this. Everyone
I w-
John Stamos.
Johnny Depp.
Sh
Uh-huh.
Its an EMF hotspot.
You think I have a machine for measuring bee hives?
Hey.
Are... are you me?
Oh my goodness

Look at.. Look at me.
Yeah.
Kevin. His gambling problem mustve resurfaced. Im gonna have to send him home until I can do an investigation.
Hi
How?
So you set him up.
I knew it. I knew it from the beginning it was possible.
A few years ago
I always thought he might have been set up but I felt pressured to convict.
Tough? I put an innocent man on death row.
I have very fertile hair glands.
I am so glad I got all of the dudes to do Movember. We have the dopest time back in the annex.
We even go to lunch
Smile if you love mens prostates.
This is fun. You know? I mean
That is-- that is a loaded question.
He said that?
I-- I dont know if theres truth to-- to
Oh... uh...
I dont...
They dont have vaginas.
No. Theyre just regular men.
Uh... wow....
You know whos not gonna get to work on some exciting new startup this year? George Howard Skub
The Scranton strangler. George Howard Skub. Havent I told you about the jury I was on a couple years ago?
I--I could--I could talk about it.
I could
Heres the thing about moonlight. Its not sunlight.
Yeah. So anyway
Two dimes
What? I was just explaining--
Why wouldnt it--
But why?
Are you gonna kiss me?
Hey
So proud of you
Im just curious though
Petes a pretty cool guy
Yeah
Mm-hmm.
Lady...you never stop surprising me.
Warehouse Worker Frank remains silent
Uh... it... compliment...
There were two or three sorrys in there.
You cant fire Pete. You understand why
Oh
Alright
Its just boiler plating
I already signed it. I was just showing you.
Andy
Hey Nellie. Mmm. I am so sick of February. Its the shortest month but it sure doesnt feel that way. We should catch up.
Yknow Ive been going over my notes from the trial...
...feel like I may have glossed over a few...
...minor points.
Ive been drafting a letter.
Im going to the prison. This afternoon. Im gonna talk to the strangler.
Well I just wanted to say Im doing it.
Hi
This is the prison. Uh
He- he cant do that. Turns out shes allowed to have feelings of sexual arousal. It doesnt become a violation until she physically acts on it.
A little ironic that Im going to be kind of a TV star
Oh
Lets do it. Lets get personal.
Whoa.
Oh
chuckles
Oh
Oh
Yes
Youre really there to talk to each other. I would say that the therapist is more of a facilitator.
He might start by asking each of you
Well
I mean
Blah blah blah blah. Jim.
They do. That they do.
That they do.
Good morning.
Hey I left my glasses down here somewhere. Crossing through
Ow! Ow!
Im sorry!
Andy?
You wanted to see the gooey eye.
Alright
Okay
Andy
Yeah
I cant.
Oh
No
No
Yeah. Yeah
Hello!   Hello!
Hi!
Oh.
Oh
Anyone can follow a Twitter feed. Wanna share a cab?
alone in cab} After Dwight fired me
Yes.

Its everything.
Good luck.
Oh
Yeah. Ill stop by.
I have a customer meeting.
I just had the longest meeting.
It was you.
Yeah
No. No
Spicy Curry
Yeah
This is a bowler-
Yeah
Im okay!
Let go of me!
Definitely
How about you Pam?
Why is that?
Oh
Yeah
Hi-yah!
Wow
What?
Wait
You said constructive complements  that doesnt make any sense.
I thought you read these every week.
Im sorry guys  can we please not talk about paper? Theres gotta be something else we can talk about.
Oh
Yikes.
Thats like
I will steal the iPod.
Damn it.
Okay
Hey.
I dont know.
Wait
Why did you tell us to bring a bathing suit?
Yeah
I took the tags off already.
Yeah
Oh my God! That is so exciting! Can I be a bridesmaid?
Listen
Youd look like an angel. Im seriously going to cry.
Pam?
Jim
Are you moving back here?
Because Toby used to sit there
Weird.
Im serious. My closet doors will not shut. I mean
Beyonce
Oh my God
Oh
But its so weird to fall asleep. And I just hate it. Cause I try to go to bed at
Oh
You just asked a girl out on the phone!
Ill tell you one thing. I am not going to be one of those women schlepping her kids around in a minivan.
I want an SUV... with three rows of seats.
Oh
What about second base? Like if Michael said that he got to second base with you? Does that mean you like closed a deal?
I mean thats a baseball term
...and you went to Chilis and he got to second base with you.
He told everybody so I just want to know is that a baseball term...
You were probably feeling really depressed and sad and thats why you did that thing with Michael.
How can someone so beautiful be so sad?
Nothing. Oh except
And it was so funny cause we were at this bar with his friends and I was sitting next to him the whole night and he wasnt making a move
So I said
Oh my God
Oh
So nervous
I dont know what hes thinking
Cool. Hey
I mean
OK
Its frustrating
Yeah
Okay
Is Brad okay?
This is karma because of what he did to Jennifer Aniston.
Whyd you pick the V.A. for the reception?
But he did a great job. June 10th is perfect. I want a June wedding. Ive always wanted one. Ryan
Oh.
Yep.
Oh my God
God I cannot wait to get pregnant and have babies!
...that I thought you should know ...
I think something a little fishy is going on.
Yeah. I mean
Second opinion on what?
Oh
I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral ever. That and my sisters.
Dont be scared! Youre good! Youre good!
And the guys are saying
Six.
So the first time we went out to dinner
Were having the best conversation.  Jim
So
I didnt file a complaint. I was just talking.
To my friend
Kobe Bryant has a foundation
That is so cool that youre gay. I totally underestimated you.
Oh my God! Are you so excited for tonight? I am so excited. You guys are going to click
You look so pretty.
Well
My neighbor Alan. Theyre going on a date tonight.
Alans cartoon is so funny
And theyre
So
You love ketchup! He loves ketchup.
I love it!
You havent even tried it on yet
Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch!
Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch! Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch!
Its so sexy. You look so hot.
What?
No
Isnt that like your third soda today?
Oh
Ugh

I mean
You told us we had to.
Because they acted all tough and everything...
But what they were rapping about was cupcakes and the Chronicles of Narnia. God. Who invented cupcakes
I cant believe that Ryan is not back yet. Where could they be?
Oh my God
I dont know. Dwights so weird.
No
Here you go.
Its not a dress. Its a kurta.
You look so handsome.
I know.
I...
I dont get why you wont go. Did I do something wrong? I mean
Well
Um... Diwali is awesome... and theres food... and theres going to be dancing... and... Oh! I got the raddest outfit. It has
Sparkles...
Oh
Like hundreds
Ruka
Dont even listen to them. Theyre so...
I dont even want to hear it. Okay. I didnt come this Diwali to get yelled at!
Uh... excuse me. I want to get a...
If I get to stay and Ryan is laid off
Ahhhhh!   Im so happy we dont have to break up now
Jim!
Oh! Oh my god! I have so much to tell you!
Yes! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes? They had a baby and they named it Suri. And then Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? They had a baby
I just told you.
Looks like salmon.
I eat beef.
Hey
What dya think?
See
Well that blows.
Whatever we deny or embrace. For worse or for better. We belong
Dunder-Mifflin customer service
Oh my god
Well I dont even think the stripper was that hot. Do you guys think she was hot?
Do what? I just asked you a question.
Anyway
Could you scoot over? Youre on my dress.
I know but there was an emergency.
I look really good in white.
Are you all right? This must be so awful for you.
Well... this was supposed to be your wedding.
Theres no way its fine. Im sorry. If I was you
I cant believe youre back together with Roy!
Oh my God. Youre so in love now.
Oh
...Oh... yeah. Definitely... Ill be there. For sure.
What are you doing? Youd better not hurt that little bat.
Dont hurt that bat
AHH! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IIIT!
Oh my God
I wont
Oh my God
That is the bravest thing I have ever heard.
I can. You would have left me to fend for myself. Like that time we were on the Ferris Wheel and that kid dropped a milk shake on me and you just laughed.
Oh it was?
Okay
...and you call me
...you can just call somebody else cause Im not gonna do it anymore
I call you in the middle of the night to tell you that I love you!
You are so mean.
Yes you do
What is so stupid about wanting to name a baby Usher?
Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapoor.
Oh
And all of a sudden
You should just read the report that Toby did. He took everyones stories.   Dunder Mifflin
Excuse me
Ryan?
What?!
Are you kidding me?
So then the next movie moves to the top of the queue. So number five becomes number four
Youre such a ditz.
This day is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. This day is bananas! B-A-N-A-
Look
I know
OK
Absolutely!
I like ice cream! I need a boyfriend.
OK
Ask where hes from.
OK
And youre sorry.
Thanks
Awesome. Um
Whoa.
Michael
I dont want to hit the big rock!
I know Im near the big rock. I just know it.
I just dont want to get hit by it...
Can I have a turkey burger?
Can we just take those first two things?
Team U.S.A.!
Whos Bob Hope?
Oh
Shes from What a Girl Wants.
Are you kidding? I would have never done that. It was pathetic-ville. No offense
Who was that?
What?!
She looks awful.
Thats Buddhist.
No.
If there was a God then Ryan and I would be married by now.
Have a seat
I dunno
Oh
Oh.
Can we speak privately about our relationship?
Awesome. I am dating a lot of guys.
A lot. Black guys mostly.
What?!
I want you to tell me that you care about me. That is what I want.
Oh big strong man
Well

And guess what buddy
Do you feel prepared to help me raise a baby?
We have a date!
You know
You know what
I dont understand what the big deal is.
No!
Right
No!
Why not?
If thats from Ryan
Waaay too tight.
Why is it so tight?
Depends... how much have you eaten already today?
You had carbs? Thats awful.
But you get to put the paper in this little shopping cart and then it says
Thanks.
Not so much anymore.
Youre so funny.
I invited him.
Okay.
Umm
Okay
Ryan used me an object.
What do you mean you have plans tonight?
Well
Okay
makes a W then an L with her fingers
Well
Dont you dare walk away from me Darryl Philben
Darryl Philben is the most complicated man that Ive ever met. I mean
Ahhh!!
What has two skinny chicken legs and sucks at ping pong?
Guess whose boyfriend it is?
Ill give you a hint : Its not my boyfriend. I think its a guy over here  .
I dont talk trash
flashback
flashback
flashback
Pam leaving bathroom
Yeah
Woooh! Nice baby! Nice one!   Hey
What?
OK. Bring it on.
Think you can handle this?
OK. Volley for serve
O.  hits the ping-pong ball
If Id have created a website with as many problems
Yeah I have a lot of questions. Number one
Now hes never gonna come.
Ok
Oh my God
I cant believe this is your last day. How do you feel?
I feel weird.
I cannot wait to visit Ryan in prison. Im gonna wear my hottest track suit
Can I be your bridesmaid?
I dont want to talk to anybody about Ryan! Please
Well
Oh
And he doesnt care about anybody but himself.
And dont have s*x with him
Is that traffic school?
Because were not supposed to be doing personal stuff at work.
Because yesterday when I was taking an online quiz about trying to find my ideal weight for my frame
Just reiterating what you said to me.
Hi
Yeah
Oh
Oh
Shes 23.
Actually
Some of my friends parents
Was he still there?
Im so cold
Why would he say that?
Oh
Ignore her
Yeah
Guess who just became the cutest girl in the office.
Just leave me alone!
I am on the third day of my cleanse diet. All I have to do is drink maple syrup
I was on an IV for two days at the hospital.
Its just some of us are taking this really seriously.
I swallowed a tapeworm last night. Its going to grow up to three feet inside of me and then it eats all my food so that I dont get fat. And then after three months I take some medicine and then I pass it. Creed sold it to me. Its from Mexico.
Oh
Cool.
Oh that is so sweet. Um
Its a small office.
...what else do people like?
I hate dieting
Nope.
What?
Why is ok for smokers to take breaks all the time? If I want to go outside and hang out once an hour
Sometimes I download pirated music onto my work computer.
And this is way worse than the stroller she came with.
Um
Wow you guys look amazing. Stanley
Oh
Thank you. Will you help walk me to the fax machine?
Inappropriate. Thank you. Who are you
Oh
Michael
Yeah
Call your mom
So I returned my bridesmaid dress
Yeah
Oh
What are you talking about?
You always say that
Are you accusing me of something?
You just cant come into my nook and call me stupid. And maybe if you were a little bit more nice and polite
Dwight
Yeah
OK.
Um
Whats going on?
Nothings going on.
What? I -- I dont know what youre talking about. This is the first Im hearing about this.
I love your tie
I was raped.
OK
See? I wasnt lying.
I was lying.
No problem.
For you. Im with Darryl.
Is that supposed to impress me?
No. Not going to happen. He has hurt me too much and too often. And I am in a healthy relationship so Im not gonna flaunt it and Im not gonna hurt him
What are we doing? This is so wrong.
Mmmm.... mmm. This cant happen again.
Yeah.
I dont know. I mean
Oh my God. Hes going to kill us.
Oh! He says its cool.   He said
Thats all he wrote.
Mmm hmm.
Mmm hmm. Its like a fairy tale!   Mmmm...
Were back together again baby.
They tried to keep us apart
Oh!
Yeah
Um
Mmhmm.
Punch him
Hi
Cant do what?
Wait
Oh
So youre dumping me?
Okay?
Wait
Yeah
I guess people have fewer choices as they get older.
Theres Andy
Yeah
No
Dwight!
A vacation.
I have made a list of people that I would make out with before I would make out with Michael Scott. A turtle
Screw you.
Oh yeah? Screw you too.
My birthday was yesterday
Screw you guys. Youre dead to me.
Yeah
I guess my only wish
In a way
Ice Cream.
Stop yelling at me!
I didnt do anything!
I was kickin it.
My boyfriend dumped me
You did? I wanna see the cake.
I hate it.
Well
I mean
Those arent... themes. Theres always a theme.

This doesnt look good.

You dont hear a theme
Cool.
I love it.
You know what
Thank you.
Im too excited to sleep.
So
Decorating.
Yeah
Well
You met a woman when you were giving blood? That is so romantic.
Oh my God
She could be.
Aww.
Michael
My god
Thank you.
Should I seduce him?
I could see our kids facing obstacles being half-Black and half-Indian
I am going to get him to buy me a prime rib tonight.
What?! Move!
Hey! Is that his scarf?
Michael get to the good part.
So that is why I have to leave at 5 : 00 on Tuesday
Yeah I dont like talking...
Yep
So you should be heading back to your desk.
Shes such a special person. And shes turning 50 this year.
Where will you be staying while youre in Scranton?
So. I thought we could take the customer on a... Then. Then we could...
And...
Yes? Charles
Yes Charles? Yes
Well you know what my middle name is? Rajani Ghana! And I hate it! I hate it!
Hey
Hi.

Dammit
Thank you so much for saying that. I cant believe that Toby thinks this is inappropriate.
Cafe Disco? More like Crappe Disco.
What dance competition? I was just dancin casual with my friends
Stop squirming.
You wanted to do this. Just be brave.
Im doing it. No. Im doing it for free. You have to stop squirming otherwise Im gonna mess up.
Gay ear? Are you 12 years old?
Look
No. Im gonna count to 3.
1... 2... 3
Andy
Yeah. It was.
Since most of the office is away at some boring software training program
We did. Subtle Sexuality.
You know when you love a guy and hes giving you mixed signals but you know he really likes you and youre sleeping together?
Ill never tell who this song is about. That is a secret that I will take to the grave.
It is
Its our office
How do you know so much about whats gonna read on camera?
In this shot Im a bride
Ok
Yes! Were still setting up!
Well
Cut. Cut.
We still have to shoot our make out scene!
Ugh! Were finished!
He and I are finished. The show must go on.
I have to throw up.
I dont think so.
This isnt radio
We would love it if youd hold the camera for us.
One and two and cross and cross. Down. Sexy
Ryan
Ill be thinking about you the entire time.
The video came out amazing!
I cannot wait to see it for the first time.
When this blows up Ill probably go solo like Beyonce did.
Oh
You dont return my texts
If they get married before I do
Its Eric and Megan.
WHAT??
Really?
Andy Bernard??
Me too!
Well then
Are we just gonna wait here?  Pam returns
Its true!
Ugh
Is Ryan going?
Heres the deal. I really want to go but Im not gonna go if Ryan doesnt go
I love rivalries-- Michael or Jim
walks in from shopping
What the hell?! Why are you being such a jerk?!
No!   How is that gonna repair Ryans car?!
This is so much cooler. We feel like werre in a limo and youre our driver.
Blow my brains out.
Lame! What else you got
How was Puerto Rico? Was it so romantic?
Im so happy for you...
Ryan
Well
I think Im gonna get the same fedora as you.
Well
What the hell is a mallard?
Oh
If you take it back
Youre so cool.
Lulu from The Fifth Element.
What keeps your glasses on?
Oh my God I love it.
Yeah.
Pam. Shes going to punch the crap out of your face after work.
No
It has almost no calories.
Guys
Im going to have some cake.
What psycho would send that as a gift?
Hi David!
Jim.... Jim!
Oh my God.
I guess Andy likes me. I never thought of him in that way. But
You brighten my day with the sound of your voice
I know
What did yours say?
Oh! You scared me!
I didnt see you. And you were there all along.   Well
Bye
Um
Who?
Who
Did you know that labor can last weeks? Then they take your insides out and they just plop them on a table
Oh my God
Im not single. I have a man.
I dont want to bring my friends
Well why dont you invite your friends?
Yeah
I want to watch the Kardashians! I dont want to watch boring -
Its about a family. A real-life family.
Youre adorable. You need to go for it.   Im going to be
Why?
What drama?
So unnecessary.
I mean
Dont use your cute baby to make us like you.
Were focusing
Only three tickets.
Stop telling me how to spend my tickets.
Then
Me
My name is Kevin
But parody is always derivative.
Do they still get paid?
But youre an accountant too.
This is the second time that youve sent me the wrong size. I mean
I dont know if she was white.
Yeah.
Well
Never thought of myself as an executive before.
I cant think of any CEOs
I could be the Indian Julia Roberts.
Well
Indian guys always wear their cell phones outside their pants. Its so dorky.
Just put it in your pocket.
Can you stop micromanaging? I know how to do this.
This girl was really rude to me at the mall. So I created a fake I.M. account from a hot guy at her high school
Oh
Oh
Would you ask that same question if I was white? Were so in.
When I become executive
Namaste.
Hello.
Sometimes my bangs cover it.
I do find that offensive
For hobbies
Dwight : What are you doing?
God
And the best part is is that I get a business stipend to buy all new clothes. So you can totally buy any of my old clothes that Im not gonna need anymore.
Oh. Actually I was thinking about clothes that I was just gonna give to Goodwill anyway.
Thank you
Ill never forget everything that youve done for me.
Because I never forget anything.
Wait
Wait
Oh
Did Michael get them for you?
Where?
Claires? Zales? Rickys? Earring
Franklin Mills? King of Prussia? Springfield? Governors Place?
Eughh
Well
Cause its next to they baby section
I dont really know why youre screaming at me right now.
Thats Merediths cake. Its her birthday.
Hey guys
Guys
Of course Im the leak! I think I Tweeted it! I cant control what I say to people
That idea sucks.
Uh
Thanks Erin. But you know it only got two views. You know what I think it is? I think that music and dance are dead. Its everywhere. You know
I think its just time that we move on.
Oh
OK
Whats going on?
Well... we could be in it. You could use us.
Ryan
Ryan
No more singing and dancing for us.
Run!
So how can I help you?
Well this is America
Guess her good eye isnt that good because this is the second floor.
Were on the second floor. Why are these murders happening?
Oh no
No
Help! Somebody help me!   No!
Oh God. Come on! Come on! Come on!
Ryan
You make it so hard to love you sometimes.
This summer
I would just like to say something off of what Darryl said about the level playing field. That is actually a zoning issue. So
Yeah
You know what Dwight? You need to go back there
What did I say?
I talk a lot
Big mistake! Huge!
You shirt and tie are disgusto-barfo.
I thought they were kind of cute.
Ooooh!
What time is it?
What?
Is that a blow torch?!
Can we please talk about how gross Meredith is?
I guess maybe you should go marry a meth dealer with crabs.
Like Jim and Pam
Im on Sheryl Crows side in that whole thing
me!
Josh Duhamel.
I get that. I get that.
Um
Um
Could you for once just let us enjoy a party instead of making it about all your issues?
If I have to vote for someone
I heard your momma had more bacteria per square inch than a toilet seat.
Try Jesus.
Columbia Street in Washington Ave! When is he gonna come out?  phone rings
No really? Is there time to change this?! That show! Now first they say that Mr. Schu doesnt know anything about choreography
And what was with Jesses sudden turn on Rachel
Finn.
Rachel.
You have to stop.
You know what? Im so confused. Is this a Glee watching party? Or a Glee pausing party? Cause we keep stopping it
The shows back on
Oh my God what song was that?
What song was it?
Okay
Ahhh! Whats going on?!?!
Good luck Michael!
Are you guys meeting about WUPHF? You know that that was my idea
I said to Ryan
I think Im gonna stay here.
I do
But I--its not right.
Is the nail place Koreans or whites?
Good. And the dry cleaners?
Good.
I have a computer question. Hey Oscar?
Can you move aside so that I can ask Michael?
Michael
Oscar it must be killing you to know that Michael is smarter than you.
Yeah
Its present time
Sabre is actively looking for ways to involve me as minority executive trainee. So I suggested choosing the annual Christmas gift to the employees. And they said
Its a Hello Kitty laptop sleeve.
I wonder if these presents would be under as much scrutiny if I were white.
I said
Blankets
Hes rubbing his neck.
Well
So wheres the ring?
That is a great idea. Ultimatums are key. Basically
Michael
Oh
This is a fast food receipt from April.
God
What happened? Is there a ring?
Come on!
Wow.
Yes
Oh
Why are you eating stem first?
Youre killing him
Oh
Meredith
My resolution was to get more attention.
Cake.
Oh
But perhaps no achievement is greater than his on-again
Who am I? Im Kelly Kapoor
It is important to brand yourself
I could sit here
Profess Powell
Do you think you could tell us the ten secrets of business?
Come on Scott
Mm-hmm.
Yeah bitch.
Whoo!
Everybody
Over the weekend
The last thing that we want is any kind of drama.
We were having a beautiful weekend in the Poconos. We were making love
And in the morning we walked by a chapel and we stopped
Ummm
God baby
Ryan
And who is on my side?
Flowers
Yeah Michael the movie is amazing!
What are you referencing?
Dont do it Kevin
This is textbook. Its so uncool. Ryan does this to me all the time. Like its some offense to have feelings. Dont do it Kevin.
Are you serious? A half used candle? Get out of here Dwight. Youre blocking my table with your giant body.
Screw you man. People like my stuff.
You can take my Helen Fielding collection.
Ill get that you guys. Dont... its just... you know...
Oh
Have we met before?
Well
And that is what you call a meet cute.
What?!
Yes! Please! Please go away! And stop using that weird slow voice.
I think we should do cupcakes. I am one of the few people who looks hot eating a cupcake.
What?
Why should I pretend that you are my boss?
Yeah
You really would?
Sure thing
Mom
When Deangelos around.
All the time.
Lame? You worked at Anthropology?
Thats like my dream job. How did you even get that job?
You chose this job over that job?
Im sorry
No
Hes not saying anything!
Thats not fair
Oh my God
Its none of your business
Dwight went on a shooting spree
Dwight
Okay. I guess I can just not go. Do you guys wanna hear my solo?
Why did my temporary boss go on a shooting spree?
Yeah
Well
Yes
What was that?
Am I not a serious candidate?
I dont have any
Excuse me
Uh
Very
I dont know
Yeah
I dont know. Dwight seems like a great leader to me
That is correct. Actually
Im sorry
You are not leaving without giving me a hug.   Ughh.
Im sorry! You were just a lot bonier than I thought you were gonna be!
I dont care. They can just vote.
(planking on top of cabinet Very smart.
I cant get down.
How is this a pizza party?
Yeah
door opens
Why is it all kid stuff and a vibrator? Its so gross.
This point system is really insulting.
Thats a tablecloth.
So what
Oh dont try to get in on it now
Thatll work.
Bye.
Oh
I think I would keep working. And for my salary I guess I would take like a dollar a year....I mean obviously I wouldnt come in till noon and I wouldnt do anything I didnt wanna do. I mean Im getting paid a dollar a year
I dont get the reason for this party.
Whats the reason
I am so cold.
This is ridiculous! Why cant there just be two Kate Middletons?
Look
Oh my god
What are you
Well
1
Thank you.
Fine.
Mmhmm.
I guess.
I try not to think about it.
Never marrying.
What emails are you talking about?
Thats not that bad actually.
Um
Wha...whats Dwights mothers name.
Shut it down! Shut it down! Shut down the machine!!!   Shut it down! Shut it down!
Well
It is called the matchmaker test
Eww!
I mean
Yeah
Im gonna write something mean on his wall.
Oh my God
Yeah.
Pitiful.
Andy took some of the other people on a corporate retreat to Gettysburg.
I have these new sneakers which are basically like a gym for your feet.
I just want you to know that I will be mean to Jessica if you want me to be.
Its really no problem. I was already planning on being mean to her.
Eww
Cool.
Do you think thats what happened? Do you think he used a severed hand?
Well help me
Yo.
On it.
Jessica
And that
No
What!
Whoa
I dont know. It looks pretty great to me.
Yeah
Shh. Of course Im superstitious. What are you talking about?
Oh God.
Youve broken up your last couple
Cece
So then this means nothing to you.
Damn girl! Your body!
You wanna call someone? That texted you!? Do you wanna drive them away? I mean
Why?
Hell yeah.
Important? Oh because you and your enormous monster baby are so important to the branch.
For you maybe.
I dont know how Im going to live here without you.
Yes
Were screwed.
Will one of you get the phone? I am freaking out! I know its for me.   Are you guys kidding me? Stop flirting and someone get the phone!
Andy
Im dying!
Sometimes I get so bored I just want to scream
Guys
I thin were gonna need to here those texts.
No. Theres no way in hell Im leaving. Something interesting is happening here for once in my life
Boring.
Five dots
Andy this has been an amazing night. Epic.
Oh
Will someone please explain whats going on here? Since the interesting thing happened til now
So
No
I was a twelve year old bully.
Yeah
Good. Lets go.
You think youre so pretty!  Well youre not gonna be so pretty come Prom time!
Take that!  Not so pre-violent anymore!
Oh
Dwight
Thank you
Oh
Its no bother
cries
Oh
God I dont even remember what that fight was about.
Hes so sweet. He pointed to my latte and he said
Which time?
Ravi makes me incredibly happy. And Ryan puts me through so much drama. So I guess I just have to decide which of those is more important to me.
I wasnt going to interrupt.
Ryan.
You mean so much to me. But
I do.
I hope we can still be friends. Can I have a hug?
That was really cool.
Just keep chatting. Im just checking my makeup in your webcam.
Webcams make me look the way I do in my fantasies.
Im throwing out all my mirrors.
Now you look at me like youre adoring me
I dont need em anymore. I am going to Miami biotches. To hang with Lebron James and Gloria Estefan.
Enjoy the snow losers.
Uck
Hey
Whose baby is this? Oh
Drake is your babys name?
That is an amazing name. Im obsessed with Drake. His last album... it just touched me to pieces.
Cool. Well
Oh.
Ravi
I dont know
You gave your baby an allergic reaction just to talk to me?
I love you too.
Were running off into the sunset.
Michael. Michael
Could you mean v*g1n*? Because if you do
A uterus is different from a v*g1n*. I still have a v*g1n*.
Oh! Surprise.
Yes.
Uh
I cant eat dairy.
Yeah
Happy Bird-day Um... Meredith
That was Stanley. Meredith
This is from Michael. Meredith
No
Youre right. Youre right. Yes.
Um... what about office romance?
Wow!
Legends of the Fall
...and Ghost. But
...Jim.
Is there anybody else.
Ill take the teapot.
Damn it.
I really want the iPod.
Ill take the oven mitt.
We can drink?
Me. Please.
The deal is that this is my last hurrah
Yeah.
Yep.
Yeah.
All right!
Me.
Wow!
You can take my van!
Hi. Im Meredith and Im an alch... good at supplier relations.
In five years
Four and a half.
Oh
Slip.
Happy Valentines Day darling. Love Bob Vance
Yeah. Wow.
Um
I got permission to bring Jake into work
Did you hear anything yet?
Wow.
Gosh
You think I stole $3
Please. If I stole $3
Yeah. We should go out and get a beer after work. Or
Yeah. So
Yes. Im a single mom. I would never do anything to jeopardize my kid.
My ex-husband took Wendy
Sure.
You guys want to get that beer?
That town smells like cheese steaks.
I have a lot of work to do.
Do you want to make Appletinis and watch s*x and the City at my place?
Oh
Hey
Whered you get that salad?
What was your cell like?
Yes.
Is that a threat?
No thanks. Theyre too sweet.
Gertys.
I dont remember.
SHUT UP ANGELA!
Wait
I thought youre not supposed to wear white to a wedding.
I really want to come out!
Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Get off! Get off me! Get off me!
Get off me! Get it off! Ahhhh!
I dont remember doing that.
Thanks. I know how to drive.
My car
Its a little too tight. Im gonna find another spot.
Crap.
Oh Im excited. Today is Beach Day! And Michael is taking the whole office to the beach. So Im wearing my bathing suit underneath my shirt  lifts up shirt
What is it?
You got a haircut. Its sexy
Turn around.
Yes.
Do it!
You know what? Dont even worry about it. Everyone was so drunk
I would never do that. Waste of money. In my experience
At the same time.
This is weird.
No dont bother the nurse
Thanks.
No
I have no idea.
Well it was really great of all of you to come and visit me at the same time. Ill see you guys at the office.
Michael
You cracked my pelvis
Youre not forgiven.

Dont pull any plugs.
Better.
Yes. Dwight here
And a rat. Separate occasions.
Hey Michael.
Better.
Im in because you hit me with your car. But I wanted to say
Sure.
Hey... there he is.
I never thanked you for coming to the hospital.
Well
Anyway
And I was wondering if you could sign my cast?
Can you write where I can read it?
Ill read this when I get home.
Three hundred and five.
Oop. It just made another sale. Three eighty.
Four-oh-two.
What do you want me to do
I think it looks good.
I cant believe he has a second job.
Im excited about doing the ad
You comin?
Piss or get off the pot!
I love camping.   Anything can happen.
Hey
I really prefer devils food cake.
Yes!
What is Jim thinking? Its a birthday
Dont patronize me.
Owww!
Guys
Almost.
Thanks for bringing that up.
Okay. One two three-   Oh lets do it again. Pam your smile is weird.
One
Drunk? No! You cant get drunk off Kahlua. Its just a kind of coffee.
See you guys.  chorus of goodbyes
Oh please
Youre gonna be here a long time.
Nurse! I just need some water. And my pills. Thank you.
Theres nothing in here.
Angela
How am I supposed to know what that is?
I dont know why Im not in The Finer Arts Club  . Its bullcrap.  throws her cup on the floor
Hi
Its a couple streets over.
Sure! That sounds fun!
I hate that bitch. I wanna cut her face.
Pretend? Or really make one?
Make your own  in sandwich.
What should we do with all these leftovers?
I like her nails.
I like her fingernails.
Nothing.
Ill smoke with you. I got a bag of cigars in my purse.
Ill go. Have you guys ever met Bruce Meyers
Well for the past six years I have been sleeping with him in exchange for discounts on our supplies and Outback Steakhouse gift certificates.
Exchange of steak. Have you ever had sirloin steak
Liaisons
Am I in trouble here or something?
Nah
Well its funny. Maybe its a girl thing
Well... Im not quitting.
Dont sign anything.
Am I getting fired?
Hey
I got some in my minivan somewhere.
Ass...turd.
You know I once dated a couple of guys from Cornell. They were really nice. They gave me a ride home.
Hello.
Its just a van.
Look
Pam failed art school.
Come on.
Sincerely
Yeh
Jim
Oh... my... GOD!!!   Hit me again.
Ahh yeah!!
continuing to dance
Im all right. Im all right.
A little better. I threw up.
Im not an alcoholic.
I dont care what everyone thinks. I know I am not an alcoholic.
Sure.
Obviously.
Youre welcome.
I am fine.
I know I drink. I like to party
I am not an alcoholic!
I dont mind telling you that I have an addiction. I do. To p0rn.
We just missed Poor Richards.
Yeah
The Bog? Coopers
...Brixxs
...The Fort
Well
Yeah... all right.
Enough of this Christmas crap. Lets get some party music.   Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah thats better.
Sunrise Rehab? No! No! No! I told you no! There is no way!
No way! There is no way! No way!
No way! No way! There is no way!
No! No way! I told you. We talked about this. There is absolutely no way. No! No! There is no way! No! No! I am not going in there! I am not going in there!
I am not going in there! NO!!
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Just wait! Just wait!
Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! No! No!
No! No! No! There is no way! There is no way!
There is no way! There is no way! No! No!
This man is crazy! This man is crazy!
No! No! No! No! No!
NO!!!
I knew something bad was gonna happen today.
Yeah
Ive had two men fight over me before. Usually its over which one gets to hold the camcorder.
I call loser!
Theres a star-shaped thing taped under the kitchen table.
Hey
Shes got mean eyes.
She is an amazing actress.
Chunky monkey.
Michael? You ran over me with your car. You posted a picture of my bare boobs on the bulletin board with a caption that said Gross...
Michael
How much?
Seven grand?
I gotta see that little bitch.
Shes right. I had my second kid just for the vacation.
Awesome!
Yeah
Surprise!
Take a nap!
Surprise.
What are you doing?
Ill help.   Now its just a stupid baby.
She could be your soul mate.
Did you spit in his face?
Little Ms. Thing wants attention.
Ill take them for my kid.
Dont fall in love with me
I dont know. I saw a crowd. I thought there might be a dogfight or something--
About what?
What? Whats wrong with my outfit?
A bunch of prudes. You know
Fine.  pulls dress up
Its casual day. Happy?  bends over to get a file
Ooh
This is like a haunted coffeehouse thing?
Yeah! Man in!
Maybe we shouldnt play due to the circumstances.
to Oscar
Really?
Shes gonna hate being a mom.
A few months
Niagara Falls in October? Pfft
Nah
Ill just have whatevers fanciest
Uh huh.
Right...
Unless theres ribs.
We have.
Wait. Seriously?!
My kid needs shoes! You want to tell him he doesnt get shoes?!
What the hell?!
Youre not saying anything. At least Jim was being direct...
...when he was telling us his dumbass plan.
I am so pissed at this company!
Yeah. Who said that?
Why cant you? My time is just as valuable as yours.
All morning I look forward to my afternoon cigars and Im not stopping for anyone.
More recently
Crotch injuries are the worst. You dont need to tell me.
Is there still something there?
It didnt get torn off?
Whoa
The weekend!
Well I caught my son taking a dump on the upper part of the toilet.
He calls it an upper decker.
So whatd you bring us?
What else?
Oh
Paint a mural of Chicano leaders.
Im a hobo.
I dont think it rained. My hip would be throbbing.
Uh
I dont want to say it out loud.
I really didnt want to put it on the board but I thought maybe it was gonna come out somehow so... what are you gonna do?
Hey
Shh. Its on.
Hey
Hey everybody
Belles
Nice accent. You sound like Forrest Gump.
How about a threesome?
Im the dead body and these are my brain chunks.
And it looks like youre taking a dump.
Why dont we talk more about it instead of doing it?
No
How bout us? Its Meredith. By the way
Talk about vacation days!
Hey
Ow! Geez
Yeah
No it aint. We all saw the Valentine you gave her.
Believe me
Oh
I have a shirt like that in my car.
Hey
She hasnt popped yet.
You know it. I am never getting married.
Like Clooney.
Stop fighting. Just on St Patricks Day
Nope. Nuh -uh. Not today!
Hey! Me and Creed are in. Are you guys in?
All right.  The four of them get out of chairs to run out
Okey-dokey.
Its coming off anyway.
Nice spread. We get it. You eat like royalty.
What do we get if we do em?
Here you go.
Have a cookie
I just like the way it feels.
Just relax. Okay.
This is like the Cadillac of pumps.
Okay
Its not a big deal.
Were both girls. Who cares?
Pathetic.
You and Donna should hit the Poconos. They have heart-shaped Jacuzzis. Room enough for three.
That is something I would never do.
Hey
I ask... everyone in the room
I would like to buy some paper
I give you curse! May the spirits of the serial killers of the past combine forces and haunt the third floor for all eternity! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Hey
Im in.
Sack up
Michael!  bottle gets passed around by Darryl
Wait
Yup
I know tons and tons of people who have herpes. I have it myself. Thats what it is.
Because its on my genitals
Hey guys!  Angela leaves the table
Come on
I didnt want you it!
His ass was on that seat? All right!
Thanks
Meredith Van Helsing. Pleased to meet you.
Hel-lo!
Thats a great set of shoulders you got there. What is that...Genetics? Creatine?   Sorry. Yeah?
Im sorry.   Youre here to sell me some paper.
What do you mean?
Real well. Uh...feels more like a third date to me.
Shut up and let me do this!   You know
So
Oh
Uh
You smell like a Scorpio.   This is...Esteban...another cleaning man. He doesnt speak English either. Esteban
Danny
Please to meet you-
Wait
Suck it Oscar.
Wow
Not yet!
Wow.
Was it the post office guy who rubbed his pen1s all over the mail?
What does the strangler look like? Is he gorgeous? He looks gorgeous in the drawings.
That scowl.
Maybe your senator boyfriend has a blanket in his car... for screwing Americans.
Thank you.
The real problem is the teachers union.
No. You tell me why my kid is 17 and still cant read.
Annoying.
Well
Sweet! Free Ring!
Why?
Maybe it wasnt.
Uh
You know
Dont whats up us! You think youre so cute
Thats how he gets you to take off his panties.
Sure.
Forget you.
Fine
That apple looks delic!
Im so busted! Walk of shame!
Ahh
No no no! You guys stay! No no no! I have Vienna Sausages and I have napkins.   Let me fix you breakfast!
jogs up and makes out with Michael
That is bull!
You hit me with your car!
Hey! What are you saying?!
We decided on the ice cream. Mint chocolate chip
Erotic.
I know these Ethiopians that run a cake shop.
They make these cakes
I know what youre thinking
Okay
looks at ring
Tell us the freaking story!
You pick a crappy boss
Yeah
I just want
Okay
Maybe were sposed to do it with people in our group.
People in the other group.
Hey!
Suck it losers.
on the phone
I gotta go.
Hi.
Whats with the blanket?
How does one get a point?
Looks good.
Whoa!
Bye!  Kevins horn honks twice shortly
Were lookin at at least one suicide and one weird s*x thing.
get a divorce...get a divorce...
Great billboard! Funny
Washington Street
Yeah
Hell no. She wishes.
Get up there and sing or I will cut your larynx and youll never be able to sing again. Woo!
Because I was there.   Your the peoples princess! Diana was nothing!
What I said was
Why is it such a shock that I follow the royal story? Warms my heart
Honestly
Jim.
Its stupid.
What is the status on my wish?
Either he drives or I drive. Now Im drunk and mad.
Thank you Santa.
I know
Alright.  Andy opens back of her van
Whoa! My stuff!
Its my valuables!
This is my treasures
No Im not
Where are we? This aint my street.
Ah
Wonder what a studio condo would cost in this neighborhood?
What are you smiling for? You thinkin what Im thinkin?
Ow! Take it easy.
Good-timers follow me.
What?
What?
Princess Ding-Dong
Wrong. The answer is dyslexia!
Are you sure?
You going tonight
Its no problem. You live right near me.
Andy followed you home after the Christmas party.
He wanted to make sure California didnt put it in you.
The main stones missing.
You guys got to try this pool. No top scum
Shut it
To madness.
Oh
How could it be boring? You were there for five days. Titillate us.
Toby
Wait. Kathy gets to go? Uh
I am...
Hey
Youre the closest one to it.
Hey
Ow.
What the hell
Make them kiss me.
My kid didnt have a face tattoo.
I already spent the money.
Tell me about it.
Hey jabroni. Show some class.
Thank you!
I dont want to!
Ouch. Thats gotta hurt!
Hey
Crap. Sorry
Cronkite was hot. If I could go back in time
Cool! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
You better fix this. I already ditched my uterus and I aint losing any more good parts.
Im not gonna grow a third arm!
Nice job.
Lose weight.
Oh my!
Dwight
What?
Where you boys stayin? How does it work in the rooms? Do you get a privacy partition?
Cool. Free upper.
Dont dog catch me!
Let me out!
Stop baggin my head!
Hey
Which place? The one right near Philly? I could be there in an hour.
Oh...So..- how are you holding up?
Hey remember that week in the 90s when we got bagels?
Hes screwed. Theyre meeting in less than an hour.
Booo! Weird.
Who was messing with my van?
Sure you dont want to put another coat of primer on that Pam?Queen of the primer
Sweet.
Oh OOOH!
Boom!
Thats cheating.
You? Little Miss Priss? You wouldnt fart on a butterfly.
Yahtzee.
Wow.
Were out there sweating our balls off every day
Topless Christmas.
Ugh. What is this stuff
Weird. Where are the sugar cookies? Wheres the karaoke machine?
Belsnickel
Jeez H. in the morning. Will you stop your nagging already? No wonder Jim left you.
Yes.
Hurry up already.
Hey
Yes
Baking a cake
Oh
Shaboom! How do you like me now!?
Take a picture. It will last longer.
Yeah
Thanks Pam! Ill take a pack of Nicorette gum and a pack of Kools.
Youre getting a bargain. I aint got no hair no more.
Shave her head. Shave her head!
Yeah yeah
Just? Just what? Just forgot?
Whos the one who didnt bring lice into the office? Meredith. Sure I gave everybody pink eye once
Hey
Let her stay another hour. Lets go get a beer.
No duh. Lets go. Youre buying.
Forget about it.
Right. I got the bartenders phone number when you were in the john. Im gonna take that freak to bone town before the night is over.
I come...
Hey!
Nothing wrong with being a gentleman. Like my mom used to say
What
Always with the friends Oscar. Cant we just enjoy the new espresso machine?
Frickin A!
Tear up the carpet!
Yeah right. With slammin bods like that
Good night.
Hey
When are you gonna boom me?
Got it.
If I ever get that bad
Walked right into that one.
Yeah
Yeah
Meredith Palmer aint never been called no nark. Floozy? Yes. Alkie? Check. Einstein sarcastically? You bet. But never no nark. Vomit mop? Sure. Floor meat? Thats me. Flesh hoover?
Ah
Tell us!
Whats it say?
Boo.
Hey boss
Kid doesnt have a romantic bone in his body.
Fresh meat! Fresh meat!
OK.
Im not sorry about it.
Did you get diarrhea or were you stoned?
Just ignore her. Sooner or later shell finish.
I am a very private person. I show em when I wanna show em. Who wants a taste?   Boob sauce!
Wow.
Man
Oof. Always hurts to hear that one.
Hey
Id better come out of this smelling like a rose. Ive been on my best behavior for nine years. If it wasnt for the cameras
Uh
Hey! No way!
Yeah!
Are you gonna come to Poor Richards and watch with us tonight?
Question for Darryl. Did we ever get loaded and listen to Zeppelin in my van?
Nah
You have to!
See you guys at Poor Richards
Speech!
Thank you.
Andy?
Darryl!
Whoo-hoo. Lets get this party started!
Shut up. Jakey?
No
Give the good show
Take it off.  . Yeah! Good song choice
Be gentle Jakey. Gentle. One second. Just one second. Look.
Fine. My bad. Go ahead Jakey.
I got a beef with that. Um
You have to go
Hey
I just feel lucky that I got a chance to share my crummy story with anyone out there who thinks theyre the only one to take a dump in a paper shredder. Youre not alone sister. Lets get a beer sometime.
I dont know of anything like that
You mean the elevator that takes you down into the mineshaft? Its not really a ride.
It goes 300 feet into the earth
Its an industrial coal elevator.
Surprise!
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday...
... birthday
How old is she?
Yeah.
Dundies! Dundies!
Darryl! Darryl! Darryl!
What? Where?
Oh yeah
Yay.
Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday   to Creed. Happy Birthday to you.
Whats up?
Where you at? Where you at? You over there? Im over there.
Wait
So whats that? Were coming in on Monday
Monday?
Dammit
You know thats a good question
Yeah
Youre not allowed to drive the forklift.
Dammit
What the hell is wrong with this man?
What are you---
Dont disrespect the baler!
Yeah
Thats called having a fat butt
Yeah
Fat butt disease
Yeah? I bet youd like to swim with this sea monster
Dude
Yeah
Its not my real name.
Darryl Philbin. Then Regis
Were loading at one.
No
All right
Just getting a tea bag.
Why dont we make it more interesting? Loser buys dinner at Farleys.
No
Youre on.
Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.
You have one more free throw shoot. Come on.
Block
Take your shot man!
That was you.
Yeah
Hey lets go to Poor Richards.
Like a joke? A knock-knock joke?
Well
Man
I think he feels bad.
Hiding from his momma.
Oh
Yes
You remember? Yes!
Yes!   Right here. You are a naughty girl!
Come on
Yeah.
Yeah
Who cares?
Oh
I had to. I needed defense.
Its defense.
It is worth it.
Are you kidding? You wait.
Thats okay
All right. Thanks
How about the sales department is the sails?
What?
Thats what Im talking about!
What... Whats that? Whatcha doing?
That was definitely not dancing.
Paper business.
My biggest fear is that someone will distract us from getting all the shipments out on time.
Hey
The experience...
Its dangerous
Mike.
Mike. Get off of the lift. Please. Come on now.
Look
Were the ones that got to clean that up!
My priority is safety.
So it really bothers me when somebody comes in here speeding around on a lift
Uh uh uh. Dont shush me.
That bothers me too.
I hate that too.
No
You say were the same
We work the same hours as you and you just said we work a lot harder
But we get paid a lot less.
You know this would not happen if we had a union.
Thats what we need.
Man
Its more than necessary
Man
Union! Union
Are you with us Mike?
Welcome to the warehouse.
This is not a good idea right here.
Hey Michael. This aint over.
Checkin in with Chet. Dopplers up.
Mike
Except my warehouse.
We just have a lot of stuff down there that could be stolen.
What?
Why? Cause Im from the hood?
Dinkin flicka.
I taught Mike some
Oh
Hey Mike.
Look
I wasnt.
Actually
Hang on little ladies. You dont need this thing
Hey. Hey
All right. Se you later...
All right
Yup.
Uh huh.
Yup.
Mike
Oh
You ready for me?
Cool.
Okay.
Okay
Are you wearin lady clothes?
Are you wearin lady clothes? Those look like lady... pants.
That theres a womans suit.
Ima call Roy
This is gonna make him feel better.
This is too good.
Yeah
Okay
Well
What? I cant hear you.
I cant--- what
Why cant I just... tell you?
There you go.
I am serious
Come on
Are you serious? Youre earning this?
Mike
Ho-ho!
Oh
Fourteen years. Fourteen. I know.   Ok
What?
Thats cause of you
Get your own raise. You gotta get out there and earn
Well
Yeah thats true. You gotta call your girl
Yeah
Fourteen years long.
Make it happen
Comfortable
How about you
Thank you.
I havent been to New York in a long time.
Maybe Ill stay overnight. Got a cousin lives down there.
Oh you could stay too. Hes got a big place.
Mm
Busses
Okay
Yes sir. Remember that. Ill be right outside if you need me
Yeah
Now
Should you drive the forklift?
No! No no no no no! I said should you. You should not drive it. You should not drive the forklift
Its not safe
Her. Yes
Do you understand that?
We do safety training every year
And I fell and busted my ankle. Im legitimately scared for my workers.
The baler can flatten a car engine. It can cut off your arm and crush your entire body without skipping a beat.
How many people a year do you think get their arms cut off in a baler?
Anybody wanna take a guess? Anybody?
Anybody?
Ten people
You have to be alert
These are very dangerous machines down here
Its not a trash compactor! Its a baler!
No do not touch it!
There is no occasion for you to go near this stuff
Take them at the same time.
Thank God we only had a baler to deal with.
Actually
Alright
Thats what Ive been trying to tell you
Mike
Yeah
A lot... of things. Uh
Mike
I couldnt do it. I--- I aint that strong. And I aint that brave.
Way braver! You Braveheart
Come down
Presbyterian.
Oh?
Alright!
Im giving him a peanut.
Look how happy he is.
Whats up man?
Make a delivery.
Kelly ordered this online.
Who knows?
Hey! How about instead of yelling at our sweet little Miss Kapoor over five hundred sheets of paper you get back to your desk. Start sellin multiple reams like a man.
Whos it?
Here you go.
So you still missing Ryan?
Mmmmm.
Theres information here? Yeah
Hey
I have plans later.
I have my daughter tonight  were renting Charlottes Web.
My daughter.
That was cold.
Hey
Its like she only wants to hook up when Ryan comes around. Its gotten to the point where I get excited every time I see that little dude walk through the door.
Hey
Slow down
Out of paper
Dunder Mifflin.
Dunder Mifflin.
Whats rap?
Great.
Out of paper
Dunder Mifflin.
Youre right
Youre on your own
You just said you hated it.
Game
19
Yes.
Mike.
Im very busy here
Why?
No
No
Both.
Yeah them
Newsies.
Oh my goodness.
Well see
Thats when somebody really gets in your face
Yeah
Well
Hey
Like what?
Figured I look presentable.   You?   Went a different way.
What college did you go to Mike?
Show them what you brought
Yeah
Yeah.
Unh! Damn it!
No.
We got exposed wires up there. You can actually hear them sparking
Hey!
Bank loan? Whats your business plan?
Thats mad solid but
Cause
Come into my warehouse
I get a hundred up front plus another five-hundred more once I score the loan. Any other nervous sweaty people having money trouble
If you hear words coming out of your mouth... thats your signal.
So you enjoy ice cream.
I can tell by your perfume you are a woman of distinction.
Indeed you do have a vest of very high quality.
I want you to experience something now. Taste the ice cream.
Hi
Before you say another word
Look if you taste this and turn us down like a man
Its cool we dont even need yall. I sure my man has a back up plan.
Dont go breaking my scale.
2
All right
OK
2
Still good. You guys lost a pound. You lost one pound.
Well you lost zero pounds.   No change. On the bright side you gained zero pounds.
You guys lost four pounds.
I say we have a parade.
Two thousand one hundred seventy-five.   Sorry guys.
Whats up
You a baby daddy?
Hell yeah. You know why? Because that was my baby.
You should stop calling yourself baby daddy.
Because youre not a daddy
You feel connected to his baby over there?
You feel connected to this?
You want to hold me
No.
Mike gave me a list of his top ten Springsteen songs. Three of them were Huey Lewis and the News. One was Tracy Chapman
Hey Mike
Mike
Sold! To Jim.
She thought I was McNabb.
Yeah
Whats up
Oh
Hey! Do Not Touch My Radio.
Mike youll drive this every weekend?
This trip was longer than I thought.
Not really.
Four hours. Almost halfway there.
Next exit isnt for five miles.
Theres nothing out here man.
WHAT!?
Clever
leaving someone a message on his cell phone
Please call me back.
Please...
Theres another dolly in the truck
This is the last of it.
Youre not staying?
But you want me to put it back in the truck.
I know its hard Mike. Break-ups hurt.
Looked like it. Sometimes when Im down like this
Da na na na na... da na na na na...
Da na na na na. No
Thats when you hit me with whats getting you down
Da na na na na.
Da na na na na.
No
Da na na na na.
Da na na na na!!
Da na na na na .
Yeah! Da na na na na.
YEAH! Da na na na na.
I was there. That dude is not engaged. Im not a big believer in therapy
Yo.
Thanks man.
All right man
You can owe me.
I know
Something wrong with the doll?
Mike claims
Ok
Whats his name?
Roy left years ago. Whats his name?
Whats his name?
Nope. His name is Michael.
Start over.
Were the boxes near each other?
I put three pallets on the truck to Blue Cross once a week. They use a lot of paper.
Whatd I tell you about building forts in my warehouse?
I was rushing to fill an order. I put the ladder up to grab a box of three hole from the top shelf. Next thing I know
Yes.
This doesnt concern you man
If we were living in Sweden
Be quiet.
Thanks T-Man
Toby! Dwight! Is that them?
You come to my house
Why would you think a lady is me?
Heres what Im gonna do
Cmon Gwenneth.
Cool.
Stupidest thing Ive ever heard.
Alright
And Im telling them you guys sexually harassed my sister.
This is the spookiest warehouse in the world
Nobody told me what people were
Here is an old man and a goth dude... and then the old crone from Drag Me to Hell.
I asked for a list.  Dwight rides in on a tricycle
Youre not as scary as Book Face
Ok
What the hell is wrong with you?
Theres other pencils in this office.
Michael.
I know who did that.
Didnt have to see. It was sales. I can feel it. They are out of control.
Yes. All of em. Together. Its a conspiracy. Listen to me
You need to get back on top.
Yeah.
That sounds fun
I cant. You know that.
Hey
Thanks
Has that ever happened? Ever?
You want me to invite Matt?
Look
Happy hour. My pleasure.
So
Hey
Let me tell you something
Tell em your story
I brought those in. Its my birthday. Thats some stone-cold narcissism right there.
Thank you.
Yum
Sounds all right.
I didnt say aight.
I like the sound of this.   Maybe one day Ill be sitting in Michaels chair. Wouldnt that be something?
I got my whole life to be a minority executive. I only have about a year left in these knees
Curl up with your favorite DVD.
Wow. That dude is good.
You didnt feel like he was hiding something?
Like he was... covering something up? Maybe.
Two years ago
Close the door.
I dont have a plan exactly. More of a loose structure. Gives me freedom to improvise. Its like jazz.   Andy dont mess with me.   Ill figure something out.
Some freaky stuff going on. I was walking behind Gabe and I heard some things.
It was kind of mumbled
Whoa. I hadnt even thought of that.
Look
Glen
Its bad.
Its real bad.
Still no plan.
Its getting bigger.
I can videotape it.
There it is.
What?
You havent even introduced yourself.
You should talk in a higher voice cause the camera makes you sound weird.
Higher.
Mm-hmm
One more
This...
I dont wanna prank anymore. Things get real. Its not funny. Im just gonna be good
Probably shouldnt tell you this
A restful location. Talk to Glen. Hell take you up in the lift.
Lightbulbs burnt out
Pam.
Yeah
I think she could... sense my sadness
No.
All right
All right.
Michael
It says decaf. You get me decaf?
My summer
Hes got to go
Dont dont bother Luke. Got it.
Whats wrong with a level playing field?
Say stuff like
Im telling you how to do this man.
I saw a TLC show on Kate Walshs home office. All corkboard.
Right in here?
Hey
No
Shhh. If we dont listen to the overture
Hey!
Silent. Look
I had no idea. This plumber has pipes!
You didnt have to boo him.
How would you like it if we booed you?
Boo! Boo!
Boo! Boo!
Andy
Im sure they dont regret having their child
Condoms.
Ohh. Ok. I didnt realize we were doing trick questions. Whats the safest way to go skiing? Dont ski!
We should schedule meetings
I dont know whos got you upset but my advice is stop crying.
Look you need to pick yourself up. Man up
Yeah.
I have no idea what his problem is
Im very busy with time-sensitive work.
If you dont enter them immediately
Nah. I play for pleasure.
I wouldnt enjoy that.
Oh
How much?
Thats crazy money. Ill take forty.
One second
But youre singing it.
No
Oh
Songs about truth.
Whats something you really care about?
More universal.
Couldnt get outta bed today. Wish the alarm clock would go away.
Go ahead.
Which me am I gonna be today?
Oh
Yeah.
One
Ill be your croak monsieur.
I find you absolutely ribbiting!
Scoopity-splash!
Dracula.
Yes. I do remember saying something like that to you.
Im just glad were gonna try it out.
Yeah. Were cool.
Whats under your shirt?
Hello?
Im good.
This is embarrassing
Let me put my shoes on.  hangs up phone
Im not mad. Are you mad?
Well
Mike.
You made a bad call. And I fixed it. So Im not apologizing.
Thats it.
Yes.
No.
Youre gonna be missing out on some good ideas.
You said no to this one!
What have you done for me?
What have you done for me?
Ed Truck hired me. Jo promoted me. Gabe listened to me. All youve ever done is say no to me. I have ambition. And you kept me at the same level for years.
I dont understand the point of a hat.
Cool. Okay. Sorry I lied.
Sometimes it seems like it was better down in the warehouse
This was your freshman year.
No. I got some work to do. I do got big plans with this company.
We are hanging out-right now. You want some more of this?
I agree. I think its superb.
Hey Andy.
You gotta stop texting me so much.
You need to change your standard for whats worthy of a text. Ask yourself is this something Darryl needs to know. The answers almost always no.
No.
There was a time when the only people who texted you were people you wanted to text you. Girls. And theyd all say the same thing. Im coming over baby. And I would text back BTB
Are you watching this? Seriously?
Im sitting right here.
Megan Fox. Question mark. Whats that mean?
You know what
You accept these terms?
Come to parking lot. Crazy pigeon action?
Thats a text.
Thats your new standard.
Ill take one of those pink pouches.
I feel good today. My little girl Jada? Its my turn to have her for Christmas this year. Two years ago I had her
Come on
She did?
I dont know... I thought I was enough family for my daughter.
Dont come in
Uh
No. Thank you for your interest in my truck.
Hey...   You know what
I just
Jada dont want to spend Christmas with me. She told her mom it wasnt as much fun. And how could she say that? You know
Her mom wants me to take her to mass. I guess thats something to do.
How do I do that?
Are you serious?
No
Sure
Ohh
Maybe the grinch hid the Christmas star
And the games over seconds later.
What do you want
Hey
We wanted to give you something.
What do you say?
You know what you guys should do? Go to the bookstore at lunch. Theres tons of cuties and its easy to talk to them. Hey
Ill come with you
My resolution is to read more. And if someone else is driving me to the bookstore
I got that cutie behind the counter.
Whoa
Holy
Hey
Really?
Cool.
A book about oceans.
No
Whoa! Hold on.
Oh
Im telling you
What kind of chicks are you going to meet there?
Were going skating.
Sup?
To the arcade.
Why
Right on
Right.
Ahem!
Theyre a bunch of jackals.
They left you in the lurch
Whats it say?
And I will take you all down.
Ive been reading the comics to my daughter since she was three years old. Not once I have used the real captions to Family Circus. That crazy family is hilarious to her for one reason : me.
Gabe
Wrap it up
Send me one too.
You crushed our spirits
Dreaming hes a dog on a island.
Thinking about my grandmother a lot.
She was about to turn 97.
Thank you. Congratulations
Hooray. Live it up big D.  Days like this dont come often enough. Time to celebrate. You deserve this?

Rachel from the party?
Nice. Do the damn thing. - Pow!
Yeah
Obviously
That thing were you softly exhale on her neck.
Okay. Ill keep working.
I can hear you.
You got it. Pick it up. Take it out.
Pick it up.
Take it out. Pick it up. Pick it up. Pick it up. Take it out.
Make that face he likes.
We should play it.
Its Dallas the game
Well
And Im gonna play this here share the wealth card.
Which entitles me to half of both of yalls money so if you dont mind.
It was in the box.
Thank you.
Dallas indeed.
I told you were way past rules. We have been for some time now. We start having rules now
Yeah where is it?
Kind of embarassing.
Its cool that you like the southwest. Its one of my favorite regions.
Its one of my favorite regions? Did I just sound totally lame? No
I love the desert. Its one of my favorite ecosystems.
Finish the joke
So this is a ten-gallon hat
Cool
No
Mike
Damn that was cold.

Hey.
Thats sweet Mike. Lets see here. Theres a chapter
No. Cant let you do that Mike.
Seriously?
Snap
The winner : under Special Skills
Hey
Damn!
Daaamn! Mad respect for my brotha!
The man is paying me to take Chinese. I will say what I need to say
Do it!
Ill take him.
Whats wrong with you?
Yeah.
I was talking like this.   I dont feel good about it
Nine first.
Good morning.
Good morning.
I did.
I have a solid relationship with Jo
Thank you.
Think about it! What other mammal
So this is cool. I think we make a good fit.
Uh...   yes?! I was.   Little joke!
I thought that was your job.
Ill answer that
Whos that?
I... I just thought you knew me.
Let me...  Jim shows him the resume again
Yes
So
Hope its all right.
The guy who was in here earlier
Ehh
Yes. How did he do?
Come on man. Im being serious. Dont joke.
Yes
Paper material
Pieces of paper.
enters the office with his daughter
Maybe
Okay
Every day I have a blueberry muffin. Today
Im lifting.
Yeah
Apt. Apt analysis
Good times.
Its ok E-Dog
No no no no. I like her.
Nah man
Ill introduce you.
Yeah
rub a dub dub...I got scrubbed. ‘Sup
Follow me
A car parked in the sun is like a toaster oven.
Hey
Hello?....Justine!   Nice surprise! How you doin baby?....Nah. No no
When I worked in the warehouse
I dont know.
No.
I havent hired anyone.
Im not checkin email till lunch. Four hour work week.
I got it. Im doin it.
When did I get so fat?
I didnt hire anyone if thats why youre here.
I have a file of applicants here. I just gotta open it
The guys did invite me out to celebrate but I decided to just stay home. Eat a bunch of tacos in my basement.
I did. I did have a fantastic basement. Now it smells like tacos. You cant air out a basement and taco air is heavy. Settles at the lowest point.
You mean what did we do the last time the warehouse won the lottery?
Oh yeah.
One of em
I dont
Nope. Im good. Im here. Lets find some warehouse workers.
OK.
OK.
Yeah.
Why do you wanna work here?
Thats not a good reason.
Dont just take the first job that comes your way. Cause next thing you know
I hope so. Think about this carefully. Theres better lives than this one.
Ive never been lucky. And Im not talkin about the lottery
Did you hire em?
What do you mean they left?
Then I think you should fire me.
Yeah. Just put me out of my misery.
No? OK. I dont wanna be here anymore. Fire me.
Would you just fire me
You wanna make me happy? Huh?
Give me your job.
Ill do it better than you. I earned it. I deserve it. I got passed over
He died.
I didnt have time because of my daughter.
Hey Im not gonna tell you this stuff if you gonna throw it back in my face.
OK.
OK
My futures not gonna be determined by seven little white lotto balls. Its gonna be determined by two big black balls. I control my destiny. I do.
I put some guys on tonight. Best of your bunch and my bunch. Tell you now though
Why is the forklift in the wall?
Is that grease on my floor?
And did your brains tell you to ruin these boxes with grease?
And?
Let me see it.
Let me see it!
What happens when were done chewing? Do we spit it out on the floor
Theres a grill in the warehouse I could bring.
Ive seen this
Yeah
I think if I had parents like that Id be trying to convince everyone all the time how great I was
Rosebud?
I know Citizen Kane. Rosebud didnt explain why he was how he was
No. Youre wrong.
Cheeseburger or hamburger.
Put it on
Three Kings.
This partys tight. The fog is cool.
Perfect.
I just dont get it
Dwight?
Dwight.
Dwight!
in the bathroom with Robert  Yeah
Nahh!   No. Not Justine. Never Justine.
Oh yeah.
Ahh...We dont really do those. We just sign the thing.
Ill be there.
Its not a race.
Who knows what the belt is for?
Apparently we have a visitor. Gabe
All right so the support belt. Now this one is mine. Doesnt get much use nowadays.
You done?
Once you read the packet
Actually
Mmhmm.   Caramel soy latte.
Got it.
Yeah
Good policy. Sensible. Smart.
Its Darryl. Erin told me to pretend to be a cop and say your mom died.
Dude.
Look man this is a bad idea.
Really? That is messed up man.
Youre a bad man Andy Bernard.
That stuff can come back to get you. Its called karma. You do not want to be messing around. I got an uncle...
What are you doing with my lunch?
Its not pizza.
I like the sound of that. Is Kevin in?
Nice scatting
That was never agreed upon.
Again
Usually that life is short and tragic. Thats okay
Local musician? Local legend! I used to come hear you play every week at the Deerhead.
Hey
Seriously
Hey
What
Yeah
Yeah they kind of had a specific sound that didnt really fit in with our thing.
No man
No
Every day.
You know
J-j-j-ju...
Shh! Movies almost over.
I got Source Code on the way back.
Thats fascinating. Tell me
Hunger for hamburger.
Thats good.
Andy
Hey.
Back at the bus. We were locked out. Phyllis is sitting on the ground eating a dirty sandwich.
I hate myself.
Hey man.
Taking a load off huh?
Good luck with that.
You dont have to say it if youre doing it.
Uh weight lifting yeah.
Ill take a look.
Ive been meaning to join a gym.   For my health. I used to say I wanted to live long enough to see a black President. I didnt realize how easy that would be. So now I want to live long enough to see a really
Um no. This is not a gym. This is like a scene out of Saw 5.
Obviously you know how a gym works. So you know Im not going to pay money for this. You want people to come to your gym? Make a real gym.
Make a real gym.
Getting my sweat on.
I just did
No.
Dude
Its Lejon Brames.
You know
Yeah
Okay
Looks that way.
This doesnt help me. I dont respond to that kind of strategy.
Dwight
To push this bar up.
Help me!
To look good for Val!
This thing could take your arm off
Alright.
Oh yeah
Popsicles?
Well you should definitely come. The foreman always comes. Plus its fun
Oh
I meant dressed up compared to normal. You usually dress like a ghost-buster.
I thought youd wear a sweater.
Come on
Hi.
Check out this song I wrote: Ima love you downstairs tonight...
Im in.
Its trivia.
Thats a great plan.
You just made a good idea
What?
There were times on the two and a half hour drive when I experienced doubt. Thats the thing about long drives
Yes
Chill
Yeah
Val. You made it.
Uh oh
Mmm.
You know
Yeah
Ive been working out. But
Hey Val. Want a beer? It might taste better than that pool water youve been drinking.
Cool.
Cannonball!   Lets do this!
Why?
Would it be more hilarious than Angela having a Chinese baby?
Jim
Its all good
I have a kid. Last week
What do we have here?
Val knit me a beanie. But I cant if its a were just friends beanie or a Im hot
Notice anything different about me?
Super comfortable. Like sweatpants for my head.
Wow. Its like the nation of Islam down here.
Oh
Yeah.
Hey.
No
Just a hunch. Your gift is on the way.
This is Darryl.
Your girlfriend? Is your girlfriend Val?
Were friends. Were friends.
Yeah sorry
Back off! I got my reasons.
Hey whats up? You called?
Its cool really.
This coupon entitles you to one free tickle monster attack
Thanks.   Nice flowers.
Your mom?
Uh. So I guess that was your mom who called me earlier looking for the address? Real deep voiced woman?
She said her name was Brandon
Then I guess I figured out where I stand. This is a love beanie.
I loved it.
Oh   yeah.
Yes sir. Thanks.
Andy
Processed.
Whats up man? Im Darryl.
Oh yeah.
Im not sleeping with your girlfriend.
I got too much ice cream. You want some? Getting my fry on.
Uh
Thats regular text talk.
Youre such a great friend.
Youre such a great friend
Yeah
Shes got a boyfriend.
It has been processed.
Sure.
Hey
Andy
Guys
What?
Oh my God
Hey
Ill put you down for shortbreads.
No. No.
I been selling here for five years. This is my spot.
You know what? Its your first time
OK
All I need is Kevin. Dude buys more cookies than everyone combined and then some.   When I first started selling cookies he was a relatively thin man. Not a thin man
Would you like to buy some cookies?
Its not a scratch-and-sniff
Youre new to the game. You learned a lesson today. See you next year
That doesnt mean anything.   Kevin
Huh. Hit the road
Whats a skinny guy like Toby know about cookies? You cant trust him to understand the wants and needs of the thick man. Maybe Toby from two years ago.
Thank you.
Look
Baby
No
Yeah
Youre not talking... triple digits?
Hi. This is Alex.
Kevin cant come to the phone right now because hes busy with us.
I dont know
Forget it
Im out. And so is Toby.
This may be wrong. But theres a limit to what I would do for my child.
Hey
I was still thinking of going back to school.
Me.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
Oh
So how was the drive in?
You dont say?
Phyllis. This rain... does it make you wanna be doing something?
Uh... I have other issues. Im terrible at math. Overweight. You- youre in great shape. A lot better shape than I am
He does not like that wall.
Looking good
You really re-did Andys office
I need you to sign these
You could go downstairs and ask them?
Who knew
Tacos.
I can go get us some tacos.
If you loan me some money.
$30.
Tacos were on sale
Hmhmm.
Shes trying.
Peppers been getting me out of the house
Is she sick? How are her poops?
Let me get this straight. You lost all of it. All your winnings. A hundred and fifty thousand dollars.
You mean to tell me no one wanted an energy drink for Asian homosexuals?
And you got half a million of these? Well I gotta try it.
Aw
The coconuts pretty subtle.
I dont know
If I were Val
A lot has changed since yall left
I would.
Yeah.
Yes
Good slam.
Good luck to you.
Lets see that smile. Go on.
Cool.
Actually
This seems like the kind of thing white people with dreadlocks do.
Go
Congratulations
You got this
Everyone
Andy made me his consigliere. Which means Assistant Regional Manager. I guess he thought Id be into The Godfather cause Im black. Wrong! Im into The Godfather cause Im a cinephile. I like Scarface cause Im black.
OK
Um
That was a good one.
Its getting late. I thought you guys could use a little   inspiration.
127 hours. Its about this guy who-
My bad.
Goodnight.
Oh
Its all about finding ways to make yourself more efficient. Life hacking
Since Andy promoted me to assistant regional manager
You log in sales at ten different times. If you log ‘em all at once
Life hacking
Tracee Ellis Ross. Daughter of the First Lady of Motown
What?! Really?
Huh ha! Thats cool
Whoa! That person has really gotten him or herself into quite a predicament.
Yes
I included some time saving ideas...
Look
Youre gonna po mouth
Actually
That could work.
Im going for a walk.
Im done. I gotta get out of here.
Its not just today
Hmm. Yeah right
Like what?
What kind of job?
Hell yeah!
That sounds awesome!
I love Philly!
Its not even a thought—
What? Wait
Yeah. Yeah
Oh
Its not real... until your wife is on board.
Yeah. You too
Hey! He deserves this. And he said I could get in on it too.   Yeah.
That was a triple.
My pleasure.
Hey
Come on! Just show me the Power Point.
Youre the tutorial.
You could be.
What are you doing?
You popped one kernel.
Correct.
Stop.
Too late.
You went to Cornell?
I cant really picture it. Can you... get it on there. Yeah. And maybe
Get under your chin first. Yeah.
Take it all the way up to your lip
Yeah
Who?
Sounds great.
If we sell everything but the boat
I worked at a Jiffy Lube.
I would if I owned it and I went broke.
Andy
Hes been sailing for two days.
Daaaaamn! It just keeps on coming
What are yall doing?
Cool. It should be taller though
Thats what Im talkin about.
Bang.
Well
Actually
Ah-Ha-Ha! Philly! Exciting stuff
So you sure you remembered everything for your trip?
Think that through for a sec.
Yeah
What else could you possibly be forgetting?
Things? People?
Jim
Merediths a little cute. Im just realizing. She got
Boo!
Im gonna tell Jim to go   himself.
Back for more
You!
Thats great.
Thanks
I shall come by at your convenience.
Claps his hands once
Oh! Whoa!
Sucks. Anyway
Alright. I mean
I know
Me and Val were going nowhere and if Im gonna be working in Philly
Ill never be sorry
Alright
Yeah
Thanks
Oh
Yeah.
When I was a kid
Huh?
Oh
But...
Im back together with Val. Yay...
Heading to Philly. Interview with Jims company.
Why dont you come along and tell him yourself?
I was born ready! No
Yeah
Damn! Jim
If this companys going down
Yeah.
Mandate- Always think of two men on a date.   I have gay friends... I have one gay friend.   Oscar?
Ummm...   Alright. Obviously yall look really busy
Cool. Hey
Yes
Yeah
So Im like a three year old girl in this scenario...
And Id only get to see Jada on the weekends. You know
Who needs it?
What?   How about yesterday?
Oh
Yes
Kill their fish
Nothing stupid about working for yourself. Hanging out with pro athletes
Yeah
Yep.
Come on
Mr. Romanko
Loyalty.
Darryl is dating Val... still.
Dwight
It can.
I dont do that anymore.

All right
How far is this place?
Fun.
They have fast food in Philly.
Exactly like this.
Its 30 degrees out. You drinkin a mildshake?
You just threw a milkshake in a restaurant where they make minimum wage.
You missed a spot.

No. I was clearing my throat.
watching you tube video
And replay.
Im gonna miss the paper business.
They smell so bad.
Your friends are like Spider-man
How much did you pay for that?
Everybody knows I go to Philly. Ive just been using sick days I saved up. But
Hey.
Just a couple of grown
Jim was nice enough to give me his bedroom.
Which usually means theres clothes all over the living room.
I love Jim. I love that he hooked me up with a job. Its just
Already on it. I ordered them by their Google trend ranking so we know who to hit first.
Yes sir.
You too... Darryl.
Its cool. Readings tricky sometimes.
Thats my go-to thermos. Thats all.
No big deal. No big deal.
Nah
Nah
I dont know. You gonna wash it? Or you gonna let it soak?
Thank you.
Oh
I usually watch TV during my lunch breaks. Its cool?
All right.
I didnt say anything.
Excuse me?
What you need flour for
What? You making bread?
What kind of bread you making? Pumpernickel?
All right
We good.
Nothing.   Its mine.     What happened to my Tavis Smileys?
Hes not my hire
What? Is he retiring? You getting him a gift or something?
I know he loves his pick up truck.
Hey. While I got you on the phone
Oh. Come on!
Damn!
That felt really good
No... yes
Stop talking bout it. I said Im fine with it.
Oh
Man
Hey
Youve got a booger bubble going on there.
Its ok.
Dont use his real name. George Howard Scubb. Its a devil name.
Thats big of you
Somebody just needs to get her attention
Hey
And we all know
Subway sandwiches.
The space dust does it.
Yeah.
Wow. Yeah
Yeah
Its so strong.
We can look into it.
Well go after Darth then.
Thats what we gotta do.
It does not say dangerous. And theres no exclamation point.
Something full of acid.
That was great man. Alright
Yep.
I was in The Whiz in high school.
Hold up
So?
Andy Bernard cant squirt water in his eye and act like it doesnt freak him out. But you know who can? Older Male Lab Assistant Number One.
I believe I want to go home.
Action!
I just think youre going into this a little fast.
Show business is cold. Lets say you get a job
You talk to Wade and Colin?
We got an offer on the table.
A buyout.
Were in play
We did it! Hey
Yeah
Wade said we could do the whole country in three months.
Cant do what?
No
What up?
Delivered all my furniture to Philly. Hey
I hate goodbyes
Thanks
Yep. Take care.
Hey.
No
We livin like rock stars. Im about to eat free steaks with my sports heroes in 32 different cities.
Jim really doesnt want to come?
Wow. Man. I hope he doesnt regret it.
Jim is happy here
If you say so. Hey
Oh
Oh
I dont think I sh-
Guess Im going upstairs.
I didnt realize we were this close.
Uh... yeah. Depending on traffic.
These dudes are definitely in a weird mood. Picked the wrong day to return a truck.
Well
Maybe forever. Anyhow—
Oh
Whoa
Hey
I dont care
You chose one thing?
You want to dance?
This is what you want?
Better get some decent speakers up here then
I wanted to leave quietly. It seemed dignified. But having Kevin grind up on my front while Erin pretends to hump me from behind is a more accurate tribute to my years here. Im gonna miss these guys.
Hello
Hey
What? Mustve been another devilishly handsome debonair individual.
Hey
Yeah
You ready for tonight? We gonna tear up the town?
Hey
I love it. And its Athleap now. And the city is amazing.
Yeah. Yeah
Woah-Oh! Havent been in one of these in forever.
That happens a lot?
Lets get a drink in you
Right there.
Thank you go much.
Yeah
What? All right!
Hey
You did good. Real good.
Everyday when I came into work
Yeah!
De-fense! De-fense!
Ahhhh! Whoo hoo! Come on
...did slowly go by... and feed... them on your dreams...
...The one they picked... the one youll know by... dont you ever ask them why... if I told you would cry... you never look at them and sigh... and know they love you...
We did it! We did it!
Ouu! Ou! Ouu! Ouu!
Spot
Utica! Utica! Utica!
Utica! Utica!
Youre married.   Hes married!
Uh-huh
Well done team.
Watch your back Madge.
Hey! Come on man!
Yeah
Hes afraid of you now.
Hey
Ill go.
Madge.
No
Im sorry.
Im sorry. You all right?
Sorry
No it wasnt.
Oh
Jim
This one is hand embroidered.
Katy.
Wow
I guess a cup of coffee would be great.
What?
Regular coffee is fine.
No really it is.
Bring it on.
So do you like the periwinkle and the purples?
Thank you.
Gosh
That was on Sesame Street.
No
Hi
Yeah.
Cool. What year were you there?
I should probably get back to my table.
Guys are usually my best customers
This ones really good for a hot date.

Congratulations. You need a hot date more than anyone.
Good.
Sorry.
Come back...
Is that from Starbucks?
Wow. Is that for the office?
I wouldnt think of it.
Oh
Oh no
No...
No. I really dont want to inconvenience you.
At five?
Okay.
Okay
Okay. Cool.
Cool.
I think youve made a really good choice
Oh
You seem to like to touch things. Did you try the velvet?
Oh no
I dont think so Im really busy.
I cant.
I really cant.
No.
Both.
What colors do you like?
Hi.
Im Katy.
You sit out there
Okay
Okay.
Okay.
Goodnight
I uh
Thanks.
You got that?
Good. Here. Squeeze it inside.
Why?
Its a... its a very nice car.
Hi!
How are you?
Im good. Its good to see you.
Im hungry.
Oh
Um
Okay
Okay.
Alright! You want to drive?
Alright.
They are soo cute.
You guys
Pam
Thats hilarious.
Bishop OHara.
Yes
Id like to be engaged. How did you manage to pull that off?
Do you think thatll ever be us?
What is wrong with you? Why did you even bring me here tonight?
Whoa. What?
Sing it Elton.
We just came from yo mamas house.
Sing em a song dude.
You suck man!
Dundies! Dundies! Dundies! Dundies!
Not it.
Im sorry
We have a strict policy here not to over serve. Apparently

Oh!
No
No.
Little package! Little package!
You banged her?
kissing noises

: The Natural Redhead


In todays fast-paced business climate
Hey
Hey
Im not even in the scene!
Hey
I love lawyer jokes.
And motorcycle head injuries
Yeah
Um... hello.
Finally made it!
This is all yours?
Oh
Oh
with the picture.
Sure.
Oooooh!
Well
Hi
Oh
Oh
Oh
So which one is Jim?
I just wanted to know.
All right. Okay.
Okay.
Ill make myself busy.
Michael
Are we ready to sign some papers?
Its a very gay-friendly neighborhood.
And then
Well
Ten year fixed
Whenever youre ready.
Actually yes.
Whenever youre ready
What?
Michael
Who told you that?
Is this a financial thing? If its a financial thing
Thats some extra income for you.
You will lose $7
Michael?
Uhh
No just the front two.
Sure.
Hello
Im great. I just needed one last signature for your mortgage insurance.
Oh
Oh
Oh
To the casino thing?
What?
No problemo.
To answer your question...
Yes.
Id love to go.
I have to get a sitter
And Ill bring the papers
Ill see you tonight.
Bye.
Hi.
Hi.
Thanks. Thank you for inviting me. It looks so great in here.
Drink would be good.
Wow
What does that mean?
Hi
No
Can I get a red wine? So
Oh
Well
All right.
You
Goodbye.
She seems really nice.
I thought you said this was a costume party!
An Indian woman in a sari.
What? Too spicy?
Theyre not smores. Theyre samosas.
Are you okay?
Oh
Can we talk about this in private?
Can we talk about this in private?
This is the ninth date
I better go. Okay
Okay.
Okay
Hi
Michael.
What?
Get outta here.
I really need a moment alone with you.
What is this?
No. See
I went on a ski trip.
Two years ago with my kids and my ex-husband.
Michael.
This is so weird.
I think youre a really sweet guy.
But
What are you talking about?
Oh
Michael...
Im sorry.
I know.
Im so sorry. They were an hour late.
Nice to meet you.
Its very safe. Its very clean. Also
I promise its worthit . Ooo
He told me he couldnt show it to me
Oh
Oh sorry
Ok.
OH!
Yeah
Yeah.
Oooh!
grumbling
Oh! Yes!
Oh!


Angela.
Oh my God.
Out of my way! Lets go. Get out of my way!
Stayin alive

Yes.

gasps
To waiting.
Huh? What?
Merry Christmas.
Yes. Yes
Yeah!
Stan-ley! Stan-ley! Stan-ley...
YEAH!
No. No!
Mm-mm.
Yeah
Hey!   Hey

No.
Awww.
Oh! Oh my goodness!
Goodbye! Good luck!
Limitless! Limitless! Limitless! Limitless!
Ooh! All right!
Oh great.
Somebody! Answer the phone.
Oh
Whoa.
Oh...
One
What?! Why is that?
Whoa!
Oh!


Oh no! Kevin!

No!!
Pam!



Meredith
Whoo!

Zero. No nonsense. You cant have nonsense.
Go! Go! Go!







Together that we prevail!
Awww!
loud clapping


Cheers.
ahhhhhh



Whoo! Yeah
Think youve had too much / in this life.
Everybody hurts
Sometim... .
Everybody hurts
Everybody cries
Everybody hurts
Sometimes
Ryan started the fire! It was always burning---

Ryan started the fire! It was always burning...
Um
Surprise! Ha
Oh my God
Jan Levinsons office.
Oh
I just need the name of who youre planning to let go.
I know she wanted the name.
Yeah?
Jan wants the name as soon as possible
Mm-Hmm.
Hey
Yeah.
OK.
Hanging up now.
Huh?
What are you telling me?
No
No
Um
Can I go?
Lets fight it.
Lets call Jan and fight this thing together like the old days.
Did you start the paperwork yet?
You dont have to do this
Undo it!
No
Michael
Fine. Fire someone else. Fire Devon. Hes terrible. I am so much better at my job than Devon.
No
Listen
Uh
Thats from me.
I dont know. It was so long ago.
Yep. Thats exactly what happened.
Oh
When I was a teenager
Oh ho! Which one is Pam?
Oh
Oh
Hi guys. Somebody makin soup?
What did you hit me for?
What?
You shouldnt have hit me
Who do you think did it?
Really? I thought you.
Sure. He hired me. Hows he doing?
I thought you might.
Michael
Ryan!
Jimmy
Id send you to Hong Kong.
Like to say Hi to my friends in China.
That is correct.
Hi kids.
Have you ever seen a foot with four toes?
Th-the hair covers it
That is Northern Lights Cannabis Indica.
Great.
Then why is there a picture of a white man on the door?  Michael
I know exactly what hes talking about. I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious. But they smell like death.
Theres a great soup kitchen in downtown Scranton. Delicious pea soup on Thursdays. Ill probably give the money to them.
Who has AIDS?
Oh
Thanks. I never owned a refrigerator.
: Im not offended by homosexuality. In the sixties I made love to many many women
Theres my girl. I noticed you handing out some shekels. How would one get on that train?
Andreas the office bitch. Youll get used to her.   Creed.
Im just looking.
In a minute.
Its a real shame about Ed
About what?
Ed was decapitated.
He was drunk as a skunk
You know a human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated.
What did I say?
I have. Thats the Union of the Monkey.
Ditto that
Right place at the right time.
Baby. Hello baby. Here you want to play with this?
Oh
Thats crazy. Its crazy.
And a happy holiday to you.
Spinnin n reelin with love. Give it the time
Oh... Where did you get this stuff?
Which aisle?
Well
Sure.
Okay.
What size?
Animals cant feel pain.
Good night
Hey! What are you guys doing here?
I run a small fake ID company from my car with a laminating machine I swiped from the sheriffs station.
Heres the $40 you gave me.
In a way you did.
I remember it was very late at night
Hey!
Hello.
Hey
Here.
Every week Im supposed to take four hours and do a quality spot-check at the paper mill. And of course the one year I blow it off
Yes
The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job. I will do whatever it takes to survive. Like I did... when I was a homeless man.
When I went over Wednesday
Now Im told she told her manager she had the flu. Im a trusting guy
Got a farewell card for Debbie Brown. I thought maybe youd like to sign it. Maybe throw a couple of bucks in there for her. Shes got some children.
I feel terrible about Debbie Brown. She got fired because of Dwight. So I thought Id pass around a goodbye card
The guy was just hanging brain. I mean
If thats flashing
Are we still discussing this? I say again
What are you doing in here? This is the womens room.
I pay for that privilege.
Im a pretty normal guy. I do one weird thing. I like to go in the womens room for number two. Ive been caught several times and I have paid dearly.
Nobody told me we were going to have hot dogs!
On the go thats after three.
I remember. I blogged the whole thing.
www.creedthoughts.gov.www/creedthoughts. Check it out.
I find it offensive. Au natural
Oh really
Oh.
Ive been involved in a number of cults
Creed Bratton
82 November first. How much is the prize money?
What
Thats my boss! Yeah-ha baby!
Creed
Thanks.
Thats some fun stuff. When does the website go up?
Cool beans.
Were screwed.
Us? You and me. The old timers.
Youre over 40
Yes
Everythings cool
Im thirty. Well
Because theyre lame.
Hey brah
Michael is right. Its a made-up word used to trick students.
Hey cuz
Listen
Creed Bratton has never declared bankruptcy. When Creed Bratton gets in trouble
You dont go by Monopoly man
Bankruptcy
Exactly.
Shes crazy hot.
Get her Phyll.
Jim.
I hate devils food.
Screw Meredith
Today is actually my birthday and I want to pick the cake.
I want pie. I want peach pie.
I want a nice cobbler.
I dont care who you talk to. Just make it happen.
You tell her its for Creed. Shell know what that means.
Listen
Yeah.
Nothing! Nothing going on. Were talking about nothing. Cmon gang.
Well nobodys touching my cobbler.
Yo
Daat!
When Pam gets Michaels old chair
I dont get the big fuss here
Hank
A lot of jazz cats are blind
Yeah
Hiya Pumpkin
Say
Are you out?   Pumpkins out
The pleasures all mine.
Any time.
...Excuse me.
What is wrong with this woman? Shes asking about stuff thats nobodys business. What do I do?... Really
Hey
Its the temp!
Mm-hmm.
Sup?
Just boardin
Oh
To look younger
Suit yourself. But
I go to New York all the time
Cambodia. You?
Lets do this thing.  Creed loses the first point
Were not playing strip pong?   Okay.
I gave Toby my buddy Jorges number in Costa. Hell hook Toby up with everything: cable TV
I can bring these to my shelter.
Fright. Being scared to death.
Oh nothing.
That wasnt a tapeworm.
Hell of an ass.
The tall guy got engaged.
Must be like the tide at Omaha Beach.
Ugh.
Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name?   Creed Bratton.
Yeah
Lets put a smile on that face!
Its pronounced Ker-nell. Its the highest rank in the military.
One more week.
Cool beans
Just pretend like were talking until the cops leave.
The balls on you
I can get you one in an hour.
You are welcome.
Yeah.
Ah
You were in the parking lot earlier. Thats how I know you.
He has no wallet
Give it up
Whats a text?
This gal
All right
Have I ever steered you wrong
Id like to contribute.
There you go.
For a cat? I could get you a kid for that.
Bonnie Hunt is on.
Thats not why.
Good work
I think its 75 cents.
Oh
These are terrible boss. You gotta make them in a circle so that they cook evenly.
Well I dont even want these.
Its crazy whats going on out there today
Sometimes its best just to say out of it.
Want to play a game?
No. IF you do that
You dont want to do that.
So hey
I thought you were gay.
I dont know.
Challenge.
I hear it
Boss
No problem. Ill just have no idea whos driving behind me now.
Hey
If I cant scuba
I heard that from... Andy.
Come on
How far along?
Whos the OB/GYN?
Theyve been in there a while.
Cant be good.
Think theyre talking about me?
Yeah
Hey
Yes.
Yep.
Uh
Shes messed up man...
I want to sell your blood!
Hey
Oh
Thank God.
Somethings up. That paper was never supposed to arrive.
Sorry Im late
OK. Hang on just a second. Let me just settle in and Ill be right back.
I dont know
Guys
What if youve been bad?
What if youve been really
Have you tried making everything smaller?
Have fun!
Oh
You ever notice you can ooze two things : sexuality and pus. Man
Psst...  Creed walks by Andy and draws his right index finger across his neck
So there I am
Curve the bullet. Like in my favorite James McAvoy film
Uh
Are you gonna add any more?
He dont give an F about nothin!
Im very relieved to learn it wasnt you.
I think we all can agree that its either Gabe or Angela.   Its Angela. Get her
I have never seen anything like it. It has the right arm of Lizzie Borden
You got Creed.
I couldnt care less about nepotism. But
Hes been trashing us relentlessly on Twitter. Yeah
Everywhere I look its Betty White this and Betty White that. Finally a kid thats not talking about Betty White. Of course I follow him.
We should start our own mall!
Unfortunately
Be cool
The feeling of pure risk.
Its thrilling.
Well
Youre welcome.
Hey
Hey hey hey
Best Edward James Olmos costume Ive ever seen. Like
Beleniege!
HI mahhhh. Boo yowww. Gunjo! Ooh uncow!
Hey! Puck and Finn worked it out
No.
Hey
How far can you reach those Lovely long arms of yours?   Eh
Were working.
Pirate code
I understand it
Shes one sassy black lady.
I know. Isnt it something?
For me?
Thank you very much.
I want to do a cartwheel. But real casual-like. Not make a big deal about it. But I know everybody saw it. Just one stunning
Im having a little trouble motivating.
Well
My tombstones already made
You think?
I dont think Im there yet
you!   you! God!
Mmmhm.
Yes
I really appreciate it
I did it!
The perfect cartwheel.
What a rush! Thats all I had to do all year.
Creed! Ha!
Two eyes
The one where you start in a crouches position
Thanks mom.
I watch you when you sleep.
Not cool man.
See ya tomorrow boss!
He put some snacks in the freezer for us.
No. The blueberry Slurpee pouch.
drives up to the entrance of the building
Do I love being manager?... I love my kids. I love real estate.   I love ceramics. I love my job. I-I love wrestling.
Find out what language this is.
Okay
pointing at a whiteboard with BOBODDY written on the left side
Were making acronyms. Okay! What does the first B stand for?
I like it! Business! Good
First of all
Okay I already see one
Get me our biggest client on the phone
Its Creed. FYI
Hehehe
All right
You remind me so much of my fourth-biggest client.
I think you two should meet.
Hey Jordana! Patch my ninth- and fourth-biggest clients together.
Its Kismet!
I already won the lottery. I was born in the US of A
No...
You dont live as long as I have without a healthy fear of snakes
Oh my goodness.
Who said that?
Howd I get this long triangle?
No. No. No. Youre way off on that one.
Okay. What about your friend?
Thats great. When you know you know. Hey
Whoa. We got a real Clarence Thomas here.
Lets reverse engineer this. Youre a black singer. Where do you go? Somewhere where youre a novelty. Alaska?
Usually Im a burrito guy
Hey
Let me have a turn.
All right.
Im out.
I like it. Its so peaceful
Ah

Hi
opens box
Touch me and Ill sue.
Everybody get comfy now. This first songs over a half hour long.
Best gig ever. They asked me to play only originals. I said
We hate Pam. We hate Pam.
Jinx. Buy me some Coke.
Havent heard any complaints. Wouldnt care if I did.
Well
Yeah
Good
In the parking lot today there was a circus. The copier did tricks on the high-wire
A wheel wants to spin
I know you dont really exist.
I wanna work with
The Taliban is the worst. Great heroine
Im getting older. Im losing my hair...
Thanks. Playing a little hookey from work today....Oh my god.
What?
Me neither.
Its Halloween. That is really
Yeah. Thats what she said.
Yeah
I miss Clinton.
Lets find out what I did.
Remember
You did good. You did good.
Tapas swiss miss.
Spanish tapas
Bald people make me sick.
Hey
Oh God. Stuck with the weirdo.
Im sorry
Im sure itll turn up.
I saw the leaves twitch!
You shut up!
Lets try it out.
Night
Uh
Thats kinda uncool
Its not cool.
Hey Erin
Shes looking good.
New glasses.
$3.75 a cupcake
I never forget a number. Names? In one ear and out the other. Places? Nope. Faces? Thats rich. But
Wesley Silvers gay?
They make a nice couple.
Two grand huh? I know a guy who can turn that into eight hundred dollars. And its me.
I think just anybody could be a star. My postman
Creed Bratton is the new manager!
Oh
This airs tonight? Oh my god. If my parents see this
Hey
Ok
Jeff Bomondo. I sell ceramic tile out of Newark.
My wifes name is Kathryn. I can show you my social security card if it helps.
Uh..ohh!
I saw a friend today. It had been a while. And we forgot each others names. But it didnt matter. ‘Cause deep inside the feeling still remained the same...
I still have my medal from that.
No
And all the faces that I know have that same familiar glow. I think I must have known them somewhere once before.
It all seems so very arbitrary. I applied for a job at this company because they were hiring. I took a desk at the back because it was empty. But...  no matter how you get there or where you end up
Creeds an idiot
No
Exactly. You gotta go with your gut
Thats why Im being fired?
So you might not look like an idiot?
This is unbelievable!
What!
Kevin
Trick or treat!
Im a bumble bee.
A fairy princess.
Im a lion.
What is this company?
Thanks.
He seems bad at this.
I wanna go on it again.
Uh
Actually
Ok
Shi mate!
Alright
Dwight - awarded a point.
No points for pants.
Clean single kick
Ok
Seven new messages. First New Message.   Hi
Yes.
No
Thank you.
Right. Well
Sure.
Its ok
Ohhh no!   Oh my God
Well
I have time.
So after watching my mom go through so much pain
Its not fair.
You didnt.
Thats right.
You were really brave! You
You said World
Right down the street?
I know.
Its terrible.
I dont know. I guess I could give you guys our business
This way
Welcome Scott family. Itll be just a moment.
I want my baby back
No.
That just means you have to enter your password.
Whats your password
Oh
By keyword phrase.
Hey
Hey
Yes.
But we already know each others names.
...  talking Chester avenue
Hi
Im the horrible boss around here
Oh
This is not an office so much as it is a uh
My aunt Joan. Oh
Step this way for The Spanish Inquisition!   Kids in the Hall. Just
This is a tiny resume. Papa Smurf! Come back to the mushroom.   From The Smurfs movie.
What does this say here? To ti te per tat... what language is this? Swahili? Oh wait a second
Youre a good audience.
Unlike some of these people around here.
Yeah
What if Bob Dylan was your boss? Im gonna do Dylan!   Pam Halpert is my name
You wrote Art and Painting
Nothing to see here! Boss at work. This will be your desk. Right up front. Best seat on the roller coaster
Youre not.
I didnt ask her if she was pregnant. She just offered it. The last three girls here all got pregnant.
Dont be afraid
It is. Yeah
Yeah
Well
Ok
Ok
Stop
You shot me
You cant just shoot everyone in the scene.
Ok
No
No. No. Michael
Just
Yeeehh
Freeze!
You wanna go over the rules one more time?
Michael
Then why are his hands up? Bill?
Ok
Great.   La la la la la laaa...
How do I get to Bernies Tavern from here?
I am-
Im supposed to meet my doctor here? Have ya seen him? Hes a very angry midget.
Again!?
It requires a dedication
Islands in the stream
One
Three



Medium amount of good pizza.
Michael

Cheers.
Bruce! Bruce! Bruce!
Happy Birthday!
To us and to Sabre.
No.
Streamers!
What?
Hey! Andy!
Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy!
Mi-chael! Mi-chael! Mi-chael! Mi-chael!
Stay the same.
Croak
Croak
Yay!
Good morning.
Merry Christmas.
Nine million
Nine million
Remember to
Remember to call
I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America
...indivisible
Good luck! Goodbye! Good luck at your new job.
Aw!
No. Nah.
To the kitchen!
Yes! Woohoo! Bravo!
Hi.
Hey.
Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon.
We believe! We believe!
Hey!
Cheers.
We hate Pam! We hate Pam!
What?
Eight

Shrute! Shrute! Shrute!Shrute! Shrute! Shrute! Shrute! Shrute!

The warehouse.


What?!
Dwight...
OH!
Ohh...

If you want your bride
Stanley!
Nard Dog!   Ree-De-De-De-Doo!
Awww.
Hey!
It comes to $166.41.
Fifteen bottles of vodka? Yeah
Okay ..
Bob Vance
Bob Vance
Bob Vance
Oh
Good Luck
Absolutely not. Thats all you. Thats all you.
I do.
If you ever lay I finger on Phyllis
Oh okay. Thats enough.
Thanks
Give me the microphone.
Give me... Give me the microphone
Youre out of here!
Wheres Scott?
Let... lets pick it up
Mmm. Well
Mind if I steal my wife?
Are those staples?
Scott! What in the hell is going on here?
Actually
I am Captain Jack
Okay
Okay! So...
Please. The life preservers.
They are located underneath the seats
Well
Okay
Please
Michael.
Your companys employees are not the only people on the boat tonight
Why dont you let me and my crew do our job. You just sit back and have a good time. All right?
Not now
All right! I need a volunteer to come up here and hold my stick. Whos it gonna be?
Okay...
Uh... usually its a woman.
Hey
Keep us on a steady course. Keep a sharp eye out. Im counting on you!
All right
Nope! Dance contest!
So
Women and children.
Thats a stupid analogy.
Well
Suppose your office buildings on fire. Jim
Hes just sucking up!
Oh yeah
We gotta celebrate! Hey
This is where Captain Jack drives the boat.
Hey! Hey! What the hell is going on here?
Yeah. Everybodys really nice.
When are you going to start the presentation?
Really? What?
Snorkel shot! Snorkel shot!
Oh my God!
Sprinkle of cinnamon.
Thank you!
Hey!
Michael Scott
Great.
Sorry Im late. Someone parked in the handicapped parking space.
Hey everyone
Thank you. Actually
No
I dont know
This morning? Just like every other morning
Hey
Listen
So
First is parking. You cant block the freight entrance with your car
You know what Michael?
Let me stop you right there.
And leave.
Whats wrong with that guy?
No
A head injury.
So
Well
Does the skin look red and swollen?
Not yet.
Okay. Really push this time
Sir! Sir
Mr. Schrute
Ok
No metal of any kind.
Ok Mr. Schrute
Hey Im Dana. Welcome to Hooters.
And for you?
Oh
Is that what you really want?
Great.
Here you go.
And I understand we have a birthday today.
Ready girls? Front side.
You put your front side in  you put your front side out. You put your front side in and shake it all about. You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around. Thats what its all about. Whoo
Angela who would you choose Jim or Roy?
Right... mmmm... right there.
Whos this?
Gil.
This is culture to you?
Yeah
Meaning
Yeah
Phew. Oh! No
Yeah. Should we go upstairs?
So
Well
Yeah
Yeah.
You cant expect to be friends with everybody.
No. Theyll always think of you as a boss first.
Im not sure that ever happens.
Why cant your workers be your workers
Erin... Same question but about your dad?
Whered you learn to dance like that?
Your mom
It was pretty big.
Yeah.
Left it in the middle of your office.

Special delivery!
Sit on the throne
Big whoop! I was in Hot-lanta. That whole town is whacked.
You took the ice queen? I dont buy it.
They wouldnt give you a subscription to Maxim.
No.
Well
Yeah
Wait
Halpert! Tall
Shut up!
Shut it!
Either this chick is a dude or Halpert got scared straight!
What happened?
Quick somebody help! Help the man!
I have a full day of sales calls.

And what kind of stripper did you get?
You didnt order a stripper? Have you ever even been to a bachelor party?
Mike
Just get one for the girls too. That evens it out. You know
Quick query
Still queer?
You cant put me down. Too strong!
Yeah
I can do it.
I tell you what though
Totally. I mean
Did you say masturbator?
Yup. Tallahassee
This is great. This is gonna be great.
Dude
Drama queen
That was an interesting diversion. Shall we get back to the meeting?
-features a tech support area. Bring in your product
Oh
It would be an honor
Cookies. Bet you anything its cookies.
Thats great.
Not good enough (clicks tongue)
Ill be there at 6:00
Jason Bourne would kick Bonds ass.
Okay
Aaaaand he host at his own lame game.
Thank you.
I will be here.
Oh
What? Thats a joke
Alright.
Hey
I really though I was becoming too much of a womanizer. I realized I had shirts in five different womens houses.
All right
Whoa! Im sorry
After you!
Oh!
Its great to be among friends
Thanks man
well I was there for twelve years. Plus my names carved under the desk.
Is too!
Check it out!
Dont even watch
Hey whats going on you guys?  walking into the kitchen with Holly
I dont know
Since when did you learn how to read?
Yeah. You know how to read... a menu!
So you two are married to each other now
Thats sweet. Hows the s*x?
Why?
I think Ill pass. The only hot chocolate Im into is Viva A Fox.
at Hanks with Michael
Why?
Holly said that?
She asked me
Michael
Youre right. I gotta watch my behavior.
Dont give up on me.
Im sorry if you were offended by my comments earlier.
Okay. You want an apology? Here it goes. Kevin
Well thanks
That sounds weird.
Apparently
Youre looking at the new face of corporate. Gonna put the ass
Well we gotta go out and celebrate
Do you have a ball and chain?
Listen
I know this stuff can hurt
Its gonna be so good.
Uh
No.
You have seven unheard messages.

One... Two... Three. Ahhhh!  Phyllis throws the flowers
E-Mail forms you made us read.
I hate that too!
It totally sucks.
You know youre right.
Come on
I thought there was a party in here.
This is room 308?
Stanley.
How many?
Dude
Thank you so much. My daughter is going to love this.
Thanks.
You too.
Are you coming?
Heck
You dont need one to get in. Plus
Were actually building them a school.
Hey
Why?
Okay
Can I come?
Dont forget to make a broom.
Well
Its taken off faster than I expected
Hello?
Fire in the hole! Go! Go! Go! Go!
I nailed that guy
Fire in the hole! Go! Go! Go! Go! I nailed that guy
Hey


Michael
Generalized mumbling agreement. Yeah.
Would you sign here?
Phyllis Lapin.
Its from Bob.
No
Can you sign?
Hey.
Whats up buddy?
Guilty
Oh man
No
She aint my boss dude. I dont work for that bitch.
What? You like Jan? How can you like Jan?
Yeah. Heres the deal. I did not understand this was supposed to be a full on... like report or whatnot.
I was under the impression this was
That is correct
Look
Oh man
Michael Scott.
You know Dan Gore from Buffalo.
Not much
What about you
Did you?
She is our boss.
You hooked up with Jan?
Yeah
Nice to meet you.
So with the twelve new local accounts
Thank you.
So
Hey
Pretty good.
Listen
And I just want to let you know that if our branch absorbs your branch
Yes.
Okay.
We should probably head on down and hook up with Jan.
A shot of MIDORI
Um
All right
All right.
Yeah
Jim got us a great lead with a new rep from National Envelope. We can grab lunch with them tomorrow.
Well
I dont think so.
Fine! All right.
Or what? We didnt bet anything
Yeah
We gotta go.
Uh... well do it later.
Theyre exclusive with Staples.
Andy
Yes now.
This is not working
We just need a strategy
SNIPE--
JIM!
You dont snipe in Carrington
Andy
Whats going on with Fairfield County schools? Karen
Okay
Thank you
All right. Think you guys should be all set. Oh
And Karen? Lets keep it to twenty dollars a person this time.
Sure
I honestly dont. I dont know.
You know what
Jan
Wow. Uh
Excuse me
As of today


Im sorry
Hey Andy!
I just want to say thanks. Good luck.
David
Nice to meet you.
OK. So we are in the process of doing a complete review of the companys financial strengths. All Id like to do today is to...
Thanks very much.
OK
Wow. OK
But
So
You understand this is a very serious situation.
You made a joke?
Well I dont need to explain to you that even a joke about sexual relations with your boss...
Good.
Jan
Of course I do.
About 5
I dont know
This was a gift from Lee Iacocca. Twenty year old
Sure.
God
Whats ah
Michael
Jan is out of town right now.
Michael?
Michael?
Michael?
I am calling to see if you can come down and interview for a job we have opening in corporate.
Week from today. Bring your first quarter stats and your recommendation for who would take over the Scranton Branch.
Thats not necessary.
Yes.
Oh
Isnt our interview tomorrow?
You happened to be in mid-town Mahattan?
In the middle of a work day?
Okay.
Were only interviewing the branch managers and some other upper level company people.
I dont think so.
I believe we put you in charge.
Okay
Im really looking forward to our interview.
Michael
Oh
Okay. And your strengths?
Oh. Yes. Very good.
Very good.
What do you think we could be doing better?
Okay!
Thanks for comin in
It is always a treat when our paths cross.
Youre back together.
Okay
No
Okay. Uh
...what do you think about Michael Scott?
This is off the record.
Jan
Frankly
Recently
Its not.
Its not.
The time has come for you to end your professional relationship with this company. You are clearly unstable.
Actually
No
I do.
Yes.
I dont know how I feel about hiring a Sixers fan.
Uh
Always hit your numbers
Uh
And that
...thats a HR formality. We have this very irritating HR guy here
How do you think you function here in New York?
Youve been in the Scranton branch a long time.   What have you liked most about that place?
Okay. Well
So
Michael. I am very sorry.
Yeah?
Thanks
Michael
I dont understand
Michael
All in caps. Do you know what 911 means?
Now what Im curious about is how you were able to go an entire a week without knowing a member of your staff was there.
Okay
No.
Not without cause
You have to get along with Toby.
Yep.
Goodbye
Michael.
Is this why youre calling me?
Okay.
You want me to weigh in on a minor budget issue?
Well if I were you
Branch managers who come in under budget get 15% of the savings.
So listen
Utica
Heres the thing. Michael is doing something right. And in this economic climate
What say we do.
Its hard to try and evaluate yourself
Yes.
Yeah.
Yeah
Hi Michael how are you?
So listen
Correct. And I was wondering if I could get you to do some of the field work that would normally go to the supervisor  . There is an area from Carbondale to Marshbrook
There is a small company there
Ill fax over some of the things were looking for.
Look
This is good stuff Michael. You are a titan of industry pal.
Good work.
Look Ill be in touch
Look
Michael
Fine. What is going on?
Why did you OK this golden ticket idea? Were going to lose a fortune
How could you not know Michael?
Might have hi--- OK
Michael?
Was it the sales department?
Was it Jim?
OK
Thats too bad.
Hopefully
I just want to say that this golden ticket idea is one of the most brilliant signs of initiative I have ever seen at this company and how about a big round of applause for Mr. Dwight Schrute?
Alright Dwight. This is huge.
This
Pam
Yeah?
You probably have too much to do around here. I dont want to uh
Hey guys
No. No dogs.
We are gonna call you back guys.   What is going on here?
No
Guys
What
OK
I am gone.
What gave you that idea?
I see.
Look
Youre still the branch manager
Ill give it my best shot
No.
Michael.
How did you get here
Ok.
Michael. Listen-
Well
Thats not exactly-
No.
Yes.
We didnt ask you to do that.
Yeah. Youre right. Yes. I get it. I get it
We will move some money around
What?
A lot better than a month at the Scranton Radisson
Hmmm.
Uh.
You know
Hi
Hi. Uh
Hello. Uh
Okay?
Ive been wondering that myself lately. Were just gonna get started
Hmm.
I find that extraordinarily surprising.
Well bring them both in.
Fellas
Yeah
I cant believe Im about to say this
Jim
Yeah.
Michael
$12
Heres the situation. Your company is four weeks old. I know this business. I know what suppliers are charging. I know you cant be making very much money. I dont know how your prices are so low
Okay
Okay
So youve thought it over
Yeah.
I am not firing Charles. He is very valuable.
No.
Uh
Pams not a salesperson.
Okay. Please continue.
Ryan cost Dunder Mifflin hundreds of thousands of dollars
Do you realize what youre asking for here? Youre talking about salary plus health benefits--
Insurance
Your company cannot be worth that much.
Michael--
Okay. Deal. Okay?
Yeah.  David and Charles leave room
playing volleyball
Welcome to the 43rd Annual Company Picnic
Okay
Uh
Im sorry
Were- were closing the Buffalo branch.
How could you possibly think that the right way to announce a branch closing was in a comedy sketch at the company picnic?
What about the fact that theyre here today? What about that? That didnt throw up any alarms? No
Damn it
Yeah.
Dwight
Dwight.
Okay.
Okay
Okay
No
Yeah.
Okay.
Michael
Cheese platter?
Alright
Thank you Jim.
Erin
Ah
Are you sure youre okay with these new responsibilites?
Im just trying to figure out the best way to utilize everyones talents.
What about Jim? Do you think Jim is someone who is ready to move into a management position?
Please do.
I thought you liked Jim?
Constant office distractions
Is there anybody else you think could run the day to day of the branch?
Jim had an interesting idea to help you with this extra work load and it involved you being promoted to oversee all northeast sales and then Jim would be promoted to your position.
Mmhmm.
Ummm... okay
Jim can you walk me out to my car for a second.
This is David.
Yep.
So
Michael
Well
Michael
Hey Michael
Actually
Hey guys
We were thinking of having two branch managers in Scranton. Both of you guys working as co-managers. Jim would handle the day to day and Michael you would focus on clients and big picture stuff.
Co-manager and Co-manager. See
Alright
Hey
But if I can be candid with you here Jim
You know what? I cant really get my head around anything like that right now
Thanks Jim.
Michael.
So glad you could make it.
How was the ride?
Im glad. I want to introduce you to everyone. First well start with Alan Brand. Alan? CEO. Michael Scott
Seated
It was fun when we werent on the brink of bankruptcy.
Believe me everyone is working very hard
What are we supposed to tell them now? Ok? Youve dug us quite a hole.
There is no plan.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
No. No. No. No. No. No. Dont call anybody
Please do not text anybody
Yes.
Just so I understand
Am I missing something?
Jim
Uh
Its been crazy here. You know I think youre doing a great job
Okay. Hey
Okay.
Yes Michael
Im not going to guess. You can tell me or I am going to hang up.
Michael...
Michael-
This is a very very bad time.
Stephanie
Listen
Ill be fired.
Alan will be out too. All of us.
Goodbye Michael.
Hey Sweetie
What the hell?
Michael
Ever
Hello everyone.
You werent supposed to tell anyone Michael.
I am not supposed to... Okay. Guys. I was really only talking about Alan
Look. Theyre buying the company for the distribution. You guys are the only thing about this company that works. So congratulations.
No! No
Michael.
No
You look great.
You hungry? Im just having lunch.
Fantastic. Teddy
Keep it up
Yeah.
Things not going so well there?
I have a doctors appointment next Thursday.
Uh
No. Just hanging out
Uh
I dont know. I mean
I
I dont have any ideas for you there.
Hey
I want to tell you about a business idea I have.
Ok? You know how kids leave their toys everywhere? Okay. So this is a vacuum. Its like a shop-vac type of thing.   Teaches kids how to pick up their own toys. Right? Baseball gloves
No. No
You-you dont like it.
No
Itll be ok.
Hey
Suck it. Thats what its called.
Huh? Catchy. Kidsll love it.
Oh
Thank you for coming.
Well
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah! Take out the Suck It and well...
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah! Teddy!
What you doing?
You picked on the wrong person
Yeah big time
Ooh! David Brent
Oh
Herrow! Herrow!
You cant do that these days. You cant.
No
Where are you working?
Any jobs now?
Just let me know.
All right.
Andy Bernard!
How you doing
Oh
Thats the attitude to have. You know what
Yeah
Andy Bernard.
Um... Im in the middle of a piano lesson.
Dunder Mifflin.   Now... why would I want that? Its worth half of what it was three years ago.
Why dont you come in?  Andy walks in
Hey guys
Okay
Ill get to that in a second
Yes
But its very possible-
Probable.
Yep.
Theres an official announcement
Now that is a great question
Actually
Ah
Well
Pleasure.
Thats very gracious of you
Okay everyone. I had a conversation with Bob
But
I had no idea how pervasive this problem was until Bob explained it to me.
Glad to hear it. You sound very confident and decisive.
Well
Jim
Guys
Look
No
Good luck!
Yeah
They did?
Oh
Really?   Hey David
By the way
Andy.
Andy!
Watch it Andy!
My wife?
Yeah?
Has it?
Shh.
Andy.
Shh. Im not gonna fire you.
No.
I wouldnt own the company if it wasnt for you. So...I owe you that.
We are even...now. Understand? Got it?
You are on very- Hey
And that about does it
You all ready for this?
Looking so crazy
Next
Dwight
Before we bring out our guest of honor tonight
The winner of the three day trip to the sky top lodge is Dwight Schrute!
The yearlong membership to Scraton-Bikram Yoga is Dwight Schrute!
A one hour appointment with the kissing magician goes to Dwight Schrute!
Well
Well
Thats Batman.
Im in eighth grade.
I drink like
Theres a really cool coffee place
Youve never been to Jitters? Ryan
Come on!   You have an email address?
So... you cut the paper and dye it and stuff.
Wait
You serious?
What?!
You know
Did you get married?
Was Chet Montgomery cool back then?
Who? Terry?
That woman is not my mother. That is my step-mother.
Do you need any help?
Sasha.
Ooh!
Sure.
Are you Mother Goose?
Whats a Nazi?
So
So you didnt get to be what you wanted to be.
Daddy
One
No thanks.
From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler.
Yeah
Definitely the Aquarium.
Sure.
Mmhmm!
Yeah.
Alright.
Thats not fair.
That doesnt sound like a show.
Why not?
Do you want to come over for dinner tonight?
Do you have any computer games?
Yeah
Whatever
Thats your name? Mister Poop?
Sure
Bye
Youre just a middleman.
Really?
Do you have a girlfriend?
Even I have a girlfriend.
Mister Poop
Youre ugly.
Meredith!
Is it okay if I take one?
Thank you.
Is your job hard?
Yeah!
Yeah.
Thats so cool
Thats so awesome!
Can you just smile
I do
Ewwww!
No way.
Ewwww!
YAY!
Yeah!  a chair falls over
Yeah!
...Bundle
Hi everyone
...Recess! Hey
Well hi Chet.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
Okay
Well whats your favorite subject at school?
Ree-cesss. So tell me
jaw drops
My names Chet.
I want to be on TV!
Recess.
I want to be married and have a hundred kids so I can have a hundred friends
Hi
Uh... s-sure.
Oh. Thanks.
Uh
Uh
Happy birthday dear Michael
Maam? Please dont touch that. That is not a toy.
I do not think that is funny.
We test a lot of urine.
Oh
Yeah
You want to work at the urinalysis lab?
We just need urine
You want a picture of me?
Can I get a copy of that?
Dwight K. Schrute
Heres your badge.
No
I dont think so.
Two.
Hello?
Yeah.
Ill get ready to leave.
Stop calling me so I can put on my damn socks!
Son of a bitch.
I dont think hes gonna take anything.
Stop calling me so I can put on my damn socks!
Got a call about a problem up here.
So
Thank you. Thank you. You know
So what are we talking about?
I know what a surplus is.
Is that the copier?
Hmm.
I was just thinking. Let me see a chair.
Hmm
On the one hand
Well
Now the chairs. The chairs are very weak. Very weak chairs. I could not sit all day in this chair.
...Let me see the copier again.
What?
Yeah.
Okay Michael.
Come on man
You dont say? I own a one-eighth share in a rental property down in Pittston.
Welcome
Dwight said this entry was a waste of space.
Eight dollars.
Look
I dont know what that is.
Heres your bottle of sparkling cider.
Im now supposed to tell you to enjoy a mind-hunt break and look for a heart or some   in the break room when youre through.
Yes maam.
Yes maam. I got my eyes open.
What? That aint right.
Wait a minute! You said it was a magician
Hey! Are those skateboarders back?
Where are they?
This ends now!
Thank you.
Off.
snaps a photo of Creed
Are you sure?  looks at Oscar

to Dwight
I cant. I only get reimbursed for the I.D. photos.
You mean digital?
20 bucks.
One
Alright
Thatll be another 20.
Okay
Sir
Sir.
Very nice. Just a couple dozen more. Smiles
I didnt do it!  Michael and Stanley continue to talk off camera
Okay
Im gonna get a drink. Do you need anything?
Okay.
No
Thats my girlfriend.
She was never my nurse. I met her at Chilis. She was my waitress.
Its all on you
You dont looks so good
You got problems?! My TV dont work! I pay thirty bucks a month for the damn satellite whats-a-whosit
I see what you mean about problems. I know whatll cheer you up. That table of bachelorettes over there bought you this drink.  a table with Meredith
Im gonna cheer you up
There is a whole crowd of people out there
Hey! We got sports games again!
Okay
No
Flip them.
The point is four. Shooter
Five.
Yes!
Excuse me. Big moment. The evenings chip leader and winner of this beautiful mini-refrigerator courtesy of Vance Refrigeration
Well settle down
What a pair of Marys.
125.
When are you getting to Bruce?
Ill bid on a hug.
100 dollars.
300.
325.
400.
500.
700.
1
I honestly dont know how you can work with that jackass
Everyone here whos bowled a 280 please raise your hand.
One time. You love bringing up that one time
Oh yeah. You can always model ladies jewelry.
OK then.
Where were we?
You didnt eat much there Jimbo.
Want some meat?
Forgot.
You okay baby?
Oh
Yeah
Cool. Um
Why do you need a pen?
Not it.
Hey
Shes pretty hot huh?   Shes completely crazy. Steer clear Big Tuna. Head for open waters.
OooOK.
Big Tuna is a super ambitious guy
OK. Who put my calculator in Jello? Good one. But uh
Why did you do that?!
Were on the German team. Shoot the Brittish.
Now?
Put the game on hold everyone.
Its the new guy.
See what I mean?
WHAT?
Are you playing for the other team?!
Saboteur!
Saboteur! Im going to kill you for real. This game--- the game is over. Im really going to shoot you.
Suck up! Josh
Hey. What are we doing? Whats the game? I want in.
Did you check the vending machine?
Did you check your... butt?
Hey
Can you stand up? And talk to me over there?
Im acting my heart out here.
Yeah
I dont care bout anything but you... what ever happened to those guys?
We have such a roller coaster thing
Roller-coastery friendship. Hot. Cold. On again. Off again. Sexual tension filled type of deal. Its very Sam and Diane.
From Cheers.
You guys ready to party?
I said are you ready TO PARTY!
Hey
One. Two. Three. Shot!
Oh
One. Two. Three. Shot!
I went to the doctor. I went to the mountains. I looked to the children...
I looked to the children
Wait
TUNA! Are you kidding me!!
No way
Um
Mmmm.. suck-ah!
Stamford
Whats up
Thanks
Thats the other thing you got to watch out...   Yo! Tuna! I wanna talk to you about this new boss
So whats he like? Likes? Dislikes? Favorite sports? Favorite movies? Favorite mens magazines?
Playing your cards close to the vest. I get it. Good luck over there
What?
Ill be the Number Two guy here in Scranton in six weeks. How? Name repetition
Hello.
And you must be Michael Scott. Aloha and... hello.
Michael
Nifty!
Michael Scott. Thank you. I appreciate it
Andy Bernard. Regional Director in Charge of Sales.
Umm
And Im a director.
Which on a film set is the highest title there is. Do you know anything about film?
Congratulations.
Hey
Sure thing
Am I trying to get under his skin? Yes. Because the angrier he gets
Hey
Do you like it?
Thank you. You have such a pretty smile by the way.
Youre welcome.

What is love?
Baby
Baby
Whoa-oh-oh-oh
Whoa-oh-oh-oh.
Oh
Dwight may have won the battle. But I will win... the next battle.
Michael
Saw your dorkmobile in the parking lot. What does it get
Yeah
Actually
Yeah.
Yeah
Oh
Oh
If I were an idiot
Idiot!
Nice comeback!
I am so horny.
Oh
Oh
Next. How about...  . Blondes are more fun. Cmon
Okay fine. Um. Pam
Jackpot.
All... righty
Are you kidding?
I started the main Frisbee golf club at Cornell. Where I went to college. I live to frolf.
Pam-a-lama-ding-dong. Listen
Shh. Think about it. Ill hit you back.
Yeah.
I play the banjo.
You know I can
Im gonna go get my banjo out of my car.
Wow. Prison sounds horrible.
So weve been told
Yo
Michael
If I may say. Shes even prettier that you described her.
Hey
Umm... Im number three.
Yeah
Hey. I cant concentrate when I know youre in pain
Thats my boy. I know the perfect place
No. Benihana. Much classier. But dont worry
So she looks really hot
So she looks at me right
No.
Put that away. Put that away. S.O.S. We... I... May day. Haha. Man down over here
I think well start with a round of noga-sakes.
One part eggnog
Wait for the onion. Trust me. Hey Cindy
You made her laugh. Yes! She totally digs us.   Watch
This drink...
Cindy
I want you to close your eyes and imagine your dream house.   Cmon
This is great.
Now open your eyes and describe it to me.
They have been checking us out
What?
Now
My new girlfriend.
Your hands.
Ill use my hands on it.
I am now chopping off Phyllis head with a chainsaw! ... Rin-in-in-in-in-in!
Boring. Call me if she rolls over.
Ole ole - ole ole... Ole ole - ole ole. People in the party - hot hot hot
Five of us transferred from Stamford. There are two of us left. Me and Karen. Its like we are touring Willy Wonkas Chocolate Factory and dropping off one by one. Well
Hey Dwight
Hmmm
Ph. D. Doctor of Sales.
Well
Sebring by Chrysler. Heck of a... motor... carriage.
He does your laundry?
Bueno.
In order to take down Dwight
Whats the deal with Dwight doing your laundry?
Wow
I think you have assembled an amazing team at Scranton. Its really a pleasure to be a part of it. Its like
My plan is taking longer than I thought but I dont give up easily. I have walked two marathons.
Caught an eighty-pound shark off of Montauk. Its in the Hamptons. My dads got a 42-ft Bayliner. Sniped it with a rifle from the crows nest. Also shot a deer once.
Ok
Oh
I swear
Ow.
Oh man. Talk about your classic Lame dash O. Do we even want that guy buying our paper?
I... Im so sorry man. I really screwed that up.
I really Schruted it.
Schruted it. Its just this thing that people say around your office all the time. Like
Hey boss. Got a minute?
I forget
Thats weird. Because I was just walking past his desk and I saw this
Oh
It sure seems like he is lying.
Oompa-Loompa Doompity-Dawesome
Um
Big Turkey.
All four parts. Recorded it on my computer. It took me forever.
Thank you muchly.
I called it myself. I just thought youd get a kick out of the new ring.
Side note. Id just like to say Im thrilled to be working directly beneath you.
I feel I have a lot to learn from you
The cost of doing business.
Was the top salesman...
Addition by subtraction.
Mmmm. Yeah youre right.
Hey
Noooothin. Ehrrrrrrrrr. Heh. Man. TGI-Wednesday. Am I right?
Gonna go home. Get my beer on. Get my Lost on. What are you doing later
Well
Oh
Yeah
Feel ya
Absolutely.
You said...
Which is like
Oh
I think I could go for some tuna fish right about now. Oh
185 pounder. Check it out. Whew!
In your he-ead
Oh. Good move
Large Tuna. Have you seen my cell phone device?
Cause someone is calling right now. There is a call.
Whats going on?
Where is my FREAKING phone?!
Maybe youre in the ceiling!
trying to look in Phylliss desk
Wait up. Where are you going? Do you want me to come with?
Just listen
Duh. Which is why I was just joking about doing that.
Fine. Ill just sit at my desk and be quiet. Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship.   Excuse me. And Im also sorry that a lot of people here for some reason think its funny to steal someones personal property and hide it from them. Heres a little newsflash! Its not funny! In fact
Sure? Okay.
So Michael had a little chat with corporate and they decided to send me to management training. Anger management
Oh
Its so good to meet you!
Yeah.
I graduated from anger management the same way I graduated from Cornell. On time. Now Im back. Got a second chance
Hey guys! Guess whos back!   AHHH!   OH
Good morning
Drew. Im Drew now.
Apology not... accepted. Because it wasnt even necessary in the first place.
Several weeks ago
Mornin Jim.
Good. Drew.
Dr--- You can call me Drew.
Cool. I cant control what you do. I can only control what I do.
Drew.   Dwight. Hows it goin man?
You guys...
Its on!
Thank you.
Anything.
You mean a moon bounce.
Im gonna need... Im gonna need petty cash.
Do you
Whoa! Whats the situation?
Ok
William Dolittle at your service. A.K.A.
Beer me!
Hand me that water. I always say Beer me. Gets a laugh like a quarter of the time. So hows whats-her-name?
Who
Nice. Check out this sunshine
Uh
Your call
So
Well not everything a guy says needs to be said. Sometimes its just about the music of the conversation.
Whoa! What the--- Why is my girlfriend here?
No
The one in the green hoodie.
I wonder if shes
Shes like
She probably a t--
Sh---
Jamie!
What are you doing here?
Are you a student here?
You never told me you were in high-school!
OH MY GOD!
I had no idea.
Huh... We didnt do anything illegal. Except knock over a mailbox with her friends.
Who was that guy she was talking to? At her locker.
But who was that guy?
Pfft. You dont teach it well enough. One of your students is a bitch.
I want to take out an ad
Thats not what I had in mind.
I dont care.
Yeah.
You know what--- I dont---
Oooo-oo-oooo-ooo-oo-oooo-oo-ooo-ooo a-wi-imbube!
Oooo-oo-oooo-ooo-oo-oooo-oo-ooo-ooo a-wi-imbube!
Sweet.
What happened? What can I do to help?
Ill check the web.
If it were up to me
I really appreciate your letting me work alongside you so closely today.
This guy looks like a real deviant.
Aye
Think well find him?
Halvsies?
Listen
Yep. If you dont mind
We will be team U.S.A.
Phyllis is out. Yes!   Follow my voice. Follow my voice. Yeah
Dont worry. Youre not...
No where near the big rock.
Whatre you doing? No! See
I am okay if I lose every single contest today. Honestly. Because I see these contests as an opportunity for me to demonstrate what a good sport I am. Mallard!
Great job everyone
I am so hungry!
One came up.
I didnt win. But the only reason I didnt win is because I recently learned that its better to work thing out with words.
Yeah it is. I totally could have kicked your butt so bad.
Yeah
Trying to wet bandana
Go tell them Im floating away
Angela
Angela!
lying in water
Nice!
Blup-dup-do. Whats up
What is it
Sorry
What?
I will see you at the inter-view.
Saving the best for first!
White
You make a chair
The capital of Maine is Montpelier
Should not be a problem. I minored in history in the Ivy League school which I attended.
I agree. But in another way
I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has: my brain. Which I use to my advantage
Damn it!
Hail to the chief!
My first order of business: accept.
Three months ago
Thats it!
Class is canceled
Im punishing them.
Its like staring into my soul
This is gonna look so awesome!
Totally!
Did you see who did it?
Isnt that your money?
Im petrified of nipple chafing. Once it starts it is a vicious circle. If you have sensitive nipples
Hey Angela. Hey
Ive walked 2 marathons. Pretty sure I can handle a 5k. Key is drafting
Oh God! My nipples
Ah
Tuna!
Jim Halperts off the market. Guess who just became the best looking single guy in the office?
Fire guy
Here for what?
We should call it Dunder Mifflinfinity. You know
Mmhmm
Ill go with you Stanley.
What about cash? With cash you can buy anything you want
Yes! Cash basket! Nice work Tuna.
Dude
Later man.
Ha! Tuna...   Tuna Tuna Tuna.
He has a killer job
So
Dah! Come on!
And this is where I will record your sales.
And then I will say something positive
I cant tell if hes mocking me.
Ehh
Thank you.
Yes like a chime or a bell...
Yes!
Twenty seconds to go time.
Yeah!
Website check please.
Three-oh-five. You my friend are winning handsomely.
You my friend are in a very close second.
Okay
No !
Four! Three! Two! One!
Woo!
After numerous projections that the computer would crush all salesmen in its path
Fifty-two reams!
Dwight has defeated the computer.
He beat the computer.
What do you think of Angela?
No
You hadnt noticed shes a woman?
I hear shes single and ready to mingle. Im thinking about making a play for her. What do you think? Crazy
Isnt that part of the fun?
She works here too
Okay.
Are you looking for dinner and a movie? Because youre not going to find it in that box.
Just so happens that I know where you can find it
Angela
Hello.
They say you should never mix business with pleasure. Really? Well then
Here you are my dear
Yes I will.
Excuse me.
I stole it!
You said your upper back itched.
Look Angela
So
But do I like her or not
Hello
If you change your mind
I dont know yet
Ill call you back.
No. Actually
So.
Me. All night. Dreaming about Angelas smoking hot body.
Not from a male perspective. You need to set me up with her
I have moon-walked past accounting like ten times.
Yeah.
Really? Well
Okay
Yeah
Yeah.
I left a little present for Angela. I think shes going to like it
Best ad ever.   Gimme a break
What? No
Break me off a piece of that... huh huh huh... br- applesauce.
Break me off a piece of that Chrysler car.
Football cream. Grr!
Hoo hoo hoo-hoo!
Its true
I need some advice. Ive been spending a lot of time making out with Angela lately. But weve been necking
Well use code names.
Thats not different enough.
Does anyone actually know what Sue Grafton looks like? I mean
Well then maybe we should just use Angela and say shes Sue Grafton. Would anyone notice?
News flash. I got some juicy updates on Operation Fallen Angel. Remind me to tell you later.
Break me off a piece of that lumber tar. Snickers bar.
Break me off a piece of that Grey Poupon.
Let me pour you some bubbly because somebody got to a whole new level last night.
No
Yeah. D for Andy.
Oh D.
Oh D!
Claude Van Damme
Totally
Just came to discuss my favorite E.M. Forester novel. Pam
The Finer Things Club is the most exclusive club in this office. Naturally
Fine. Ill just sit here
Why cant I be in the club?
So
Im gonna miss you man
Oh-oh
Tuna.
Me likey the ice cream cake
Well
Wow
Loud and clear.
Pizza rolls.
Mushroom caps.
Hey-o!
Tuna! Whats up Tuna
Except for one flower
No its a... hump. Theres a hump.
Okay yes
Yes! Yes.
Michael
Time!
Thought about it
Yeah it does.
I lost a penny out of my loafers
I left my cell phone in my car.
Because of the construction at W.B. Jones
Its like a ten minute walk.
Yes.
OK.
...So help us out.
We wont let you down.
Uh Michael Scott could not make it today due to an unforeseen prior engagement.
Gentleman please. We called this meeting. Andrew Bernard is the name of me. And this is my associate
Well first of all
I did it.
Yeah
Did I do this for me? No
Oh yes! Count me in dudes. I am in some serious need of some bro time. Old ball and chains been a lot more chain than ball lately if you know what Im saying.
Yes
By a show of hands
Yeah
Here it is
Cause that says
So much more than words...
Okay
Good one. Okay
The tall man entered the nice building to visit a very nice man. Sit down
What about a cat eating man food?
What if we changed our outgoing answering machine message
You meet a lot of ladies driving an Xterra
Thats a racing stripe.
Mmm
How next to?
I have to pick one of those?
Can you go over those options again?
Well I have the
Can I think about it?
Let me think about it--
Let me think about it--
Im thinking about it--
Thinking--
Yeah. All right!
What the hell is this all about?   Youre flipping my car for profit.
I gave you a deal... based on what you said to me.
Oh no! No
Oop
Hit about 1200 balls last night
Giddy up
People assume Im great at golf. But like everybody
Dammit!
AH! Come on
All right
Shortcut! Shortcut!  drives cart off course
trying to pick up a beer bottle with blistered hands
Count me in!
All right!
Right on.
Can I have your attention please?   I was waiting for the right time to do this
Angela
Into the mic
She said yes!   And the crowd goes wild! Woo!
Ive been carrying that ring around in my wallet for six years. Because you dont know when youre gonna meet the right girl and the moments gonna be right. And tonight
Tuna!   Im engaged!
Mr. Andrew Bernard... its got a nice ring to it.
Ay-o!
Then... what are you saying?
So
What do you think of Angela? Theres just something about her. All that strength and steeliness and righteousness all wrapped up tight and shoved into a tiny little delicate frame.
No. I will not be playing it cool   with Angela. Let me tell you a little story. When I was seventeen
Gentlemen
And as such
I am dying of lovesickness and horny-sickness.
Im talking about Angela
No can do. I am itching all over with Angela-pox.
Hey
Thats not why I came over. I mean its a week late
Angela
Scranton U. Varsitys gonna scrimmage the J.V. squad. Should be pretty interesting. J.V. gets really amped.
Yeah.
You wanna go?
Because we could get some food...
Afterwards at the...
Still waiting on that check.
And let me just add
Mmmhmm.
Dear Andrew Bernard
I got into Cornell off the Wait List. A lot of people were like
I played a lot of pong growing up. I spent a lot of time on cruise ships. Im also a monster snorkler.
Okay
Do you know anything about physics?
Just serve. Lets go.   Dammit! These balls are weighted weird
Yeah. Get another one.  throws the offending ball at Jim
I dont know! No
I believe it means mouth pleaser.
Its French. I studied some French during my semester at sea. Or
Mm-hmm
Mmm.
Ow! Ow!   Owooh!
It was down for a couple hours yesterday
Um
But I dont think its a disaster. I think its fun
Is that what that is?
You know what
Im excited to lose weight for the wedding
Im totally gonna slaughter at the weigh-in today.
Really? Cause I havent eaten anything since noon on Friday.
Ang. Ela.   Ella
Hey
Every little boy fantasizes about his fairy-tale wedding.
This is where my parents decided not to get divorced.
OK. How do you feel about Maine?   Im on it. Ill see you later
Hey. So
I dont know if theres any one place that has all these things.
Thousand-year-old church in the continental United States. There has to be a rainbow. 24-hour veterinarian on call.
Sweetheart.   Just so you know
Hey-oh!
Why not
Damnit
NO! I want names!
This is the hardest thing Ive ever had to do in my entire life. I havent had a very hard life.
Leave it to me
Andy Bernard does not lose contests. He wins them... or he quits them because they are unfair.
Your wish is my command.
Of course!
Yeah! I mean its a great song. I always thought it was bigger than Christmas anyway. You know?
And you know what? The guys already know it so its easy breezy.
I didnt tell you.
Here Comes Treble
And
Ok
Mm-wah!  Angela walks away
Wet Tuna!
A little close to my engagement there Tuna
Hey-oh!
Ill drop an ethics bomb on you. Would you steal bread to feed your family? ... Boom!
Yeah
No thats... not how it works.
Yo.
No
Is that anything like the original Battlestar Galactica?
Really?  Dwight closes his eyes
Really? That doesnt sound right.
No way
Wait a second
Yes! Yeah.   Aaaaaaaa! Aaaaaaaa! Aaaaaaaa!
Yo. I got the Nard-puppy for ya. Whats going on here?
Awww. Check it out - who would have thought that this little baby would be marrying that little baby?
Well -
Why would that make me a pervert
Thats not you.
Thats mean
So Jan
OK. Yeah. Look at my finger. Look. Looook!
Look up here!
What? Sorry.
Were taking a picture.
Shes natures bounty.
Thats for you. And
J-Money. Or should it be T-Money
Youre always safe with me. Im a very good screamer. And one day
Yeah?
Consider yourself... at home!
250.
I need a hug
Meow. Sweet stume
Cool.
We were looking for kitten.
Ha ha ha. Thats funny.   Take that sweatshirt off! Hey buddy.
Remember when I jokingly yelled at you to take your sweatshirt off? Totally joking. But
Come on
Well hes had a pretty good season so far--- Stop saying we. You did not go to Cornell. Okay
I know its an excellent school
Take that down.
Take. That down.
I seriously doubt that anyone from Cornell dated you.
Its pronounced Corn-ell! Its the highest rank in the Ivy League!
Fine.
Yeah
You might be interested-
Dwight!
Hm. Assuming you had the voice to be in any of them
Yeah. Big one. So
Excellent. When the hourglass strikes three
The conference room!
Who are your role models?
If I had to put Dwights chances into a percentage
So
Lets see how well you know your Big Red history.
Who was Cornells eighth president?
Mm
What are you writing? Cant even give Cornell your full attention?
Nobody wants ...that
Applicant is attempting to blackmail interviewer
Applicant is wasting everyones time with stupid and inane accusations.
Applicant has a head shaped like a trapezoid.
I have everything I need-
And you will be hearing from -
which I will not be a part of-
And YOU will not be pleased with the result!
And your affiliation with Cornell -
Will end completely!
Whistling
What
Well you will. Soon as you visit
Big idea: double wedding. Me
Speakerphone!
Yo
I got mine. They were really good.
Yeah
Right
It is a great mug. But its not my mug. That is my mug. So give it back.
It has my face on it.
Dude
Yeah
I found the best tentist on the east coast. He personally tented Giulianis first and third weddings. And I got him.   I got him!
Would you be able to do the same design
So its called the Shangri-La Tent. Its two stories
Hobos live in trains.
Well
Done and done-er.
Do you have a specific place in mind?
On it!
at computer
I found it. I found the perfect place. A local bed-and-breakfast on a 60-acre beet farm. And even better
We havent decided on anything yet. Were still reviewing some options
Oh. Hmm.
Thats very generous.
Oh
Um
Cant argue with that. Dwight ...   You are going to make us so happy.
Monsieur.
Im just bidding a bon voyage a La Mon Petit fiancee. Translation : Goodbye my petite fiancee.
I will try.
Meaning I will try to get other dudes laid.
Ah... sweet!
Michael Gary Scott rolling like a pimp!
Mmmhmmm...
Mmmm...
Thats really good.
Oh...
Oh boy.
Harry and the Hendersons
Very cool.
We are going to find out where the action is
Wheres the concierge?
Mmm... bingo!   Follow moi
What about a nice sushi place? Maybe a place with a view?
One final question. Where might you find yourself on a Winnipeg night like tonight?
The Huntsman.
Engaging wings
Yeah with a hot slab of Canadian bacon in your hand.
For Madame et monsieur.
Youre welcome.
Let me get a picture of you guys.
Alright
Come on! Its Dandy Dale and Foppy McGee over there.   Mademoiselle! Beer me dos Long Island iced teas sill vous plait.   Bad decision in a glass.
I dont care if youre gay
Youll thank me when they spank thee.
Do you guys like apples?
Do you like apples?
Well
No
Gentleman.
Dude
Anything. You can ask me anything.
Im your wingman.
Right-o.
What?
What do I see in Angela?
I see through a hard exterior to a little jelly in the middle. She is teaching me to be a better person. And shes working really hard on that. And she has the softest skin Ive ever seen and I cant wait to have s*x with her.
No.
Honestly
What is wrong with her?
I should call her and ask her. What is wrong with her?
Too late
What is wrong with you?
That was Oscar and he wants to know why you wont do me and I think its a valid question.
This is Andy Bernard!
I wanna take you to s*x school.
Is somebody there?
I have needs.
Naked.
Well discuss it later naked. I want to see you naked.
Oscar
That was fun last night.
You know
You kidding me? Its what I do. Get the whole nine nards.
Totally.   What--- Who?
We called Angela?
That was real?! I thought I dreamed that. Oh
Oh
So bad!
Oh man
Shes taking us back to first base.
I get to kiss her forehead.   I had a good time hanging out this weekend.
Wingman for life. W.M.F.L
You up for a chest bump?
Bro hug?   Back to basics. I like it.
I had to go all the way to Canada to get to know a guy who sits 20 feet away from me. And hes delightful!
So
Ehhh no
Kaaw!
Whoa
That is just obnoxious.
No
Dwight
I mean
Walk until you hear the beehive.
Lets three-way this little issue
Were getting married at Schrute Farms
Hmm... mm
Uh
See? Thats how you do it! Makin progress here.  steps in manure
Okay.
Okay
What is this? All right
Hey-o!

Im Andy.
What?
Are we
Hey Tuna
Was that hot or what?
Hey
Theres a hole in the wall where the men can see it all.
Sorry.
When I was in college I used to get wicked hammered. My nickname was puke. I would chug a fifth of socos
Whats up?
Sure.
All right
Sure. Dooo. Tough room.   Come on. I just learned it. Just so you know protocol is a little round of applause. But
Excuse me
Hmm?
No
That cannot be true!   Youre going to charge me a fee to cut my own cake? Uh
When what?   When what?
What cant go on?
Seems like...
You guys should... be hearing what Im saying.
Yeah.
Will do
Youre not making any sense.
All righty.
Have a good meeting!
Kick Wallaces ass!
I cant hear you through the glass
What?
Are you serious?
I need to talk to you.
I need to talk to you in private.
Lets go to the conference room.
Is it true?
That youre sleeping with Dwight.
Is it true?
Just answer the question. Are you sleeping with Dwight?
How long has it been going on?
Who else knows about it?
Who else?
Oh God. Come on!
So like
Do you love him?
Why should I believe that?
Who says that?
Wheres Dwight?
No. Not at all
Dwight.
Its over.
No. Its over between you two.
You have to.
She doesnt love you. Shes marrying me.
Angela Bernard.
It will be her name. And you will have to call her that!
Im telling you to back down.
Then Ill make you.
Through the use of force.
I will fight you.
Fine!
Guess what? Not happening at work.
Were gonna do it outside.
None of your business.
My bare hands.
Then Ill get something too.
I will be taking my break at 4:00 in the parking lot.
What a coincidence.
Yeah.
You give up?
I am a man! Im a bigger man than youll ever be! I would never sleep with another mans fiance!
Protect her from what? Bears
Go away
What did you say? Im sorry
What? You stupid idiot!   Youre like
I dont get it! How can she be sleeping with you this whole time and only sleep with me twice?
What!
Im her fiance.
enters
Thank you.
What are you guys talking about?
Who is the gal in question?
Each side will have three minutes to prepare opening arguments. Topic : Hillary Swank is attractive.
Okay
Okay
Whoa
It-- its warm.
Aah! This ones hot too!
Get out of the way!
Move it!
The fires shooting at us!
Yes!   Yes
Go
Youre choking him!
A throne for your highness.
Oh you can tell by the way I use my walk Im a womans man
Da
Stanley.
Hope you brought your appetitos. My lady. My tuna. A little movie popcorn.  dumps popcorn in bowl
Hmm? Who? Sam?
Hmm.
Jim and Pam are
I know it man. You know
Yeah... but... eh... breakfast? You mean when they were eating soup? I dont think that was breakfast. Unless soup
You guys
What I hate about you
Sam! Sam!
I am not insightful enough to be a movie critic. Mm... maybe I could be a food critic. These muffins taste bad. Hmm
Um Phyllis
For your information
This conversation is over.
I am single now. What we have here
Trying to see what CDs she got. Its good to know the deets about the girl youre wooing. Eh
Brought you guys some coffees. Stanley
Well
Are you out of your damn mind? You bring an angel like that into this office
We are friends. Stanley
Yeah. I really like her with all my heart.
So Julia
Oh Okay
Really? Is that... wow
Guys
Yeah. Yeah. I mean
Okay
Wait
Oh
I am about to die.   Will you wait here while I go get my jacket?
Okay
This is the Nard-Dog.
Oh
Yeah
Sure
Take care Julia.
Sorry I tried to kiss y...
We lost the account.
Golden Girls. Thats a golden ticket idea
No! No! No!
Youre making it too easy for her. Youre just conveying
Well thats not what we agreed on.
Huh?
No.
Youre asking him to give up all of his power.
You cant let a girl feel good about herself. It will backfire on you. Every compliment has to be backhanded. Oh I like your dress
Thats low
Dont touch her. Dont talk to her. Dont look at her.
Jim
Well
Hey-o!
Duuudes
Stop doing that!
Cool.
For four more days.
Hey Michael...
Can I talk to you a minute?
I just wanted to tell you that... Oh What?   Whats that?
Um
I hope I get to work with you someday again.
Ah... busted. Yes
Oh.
No way!?
In this climate?
Ehh...   well its a very intriguing concept
What is he doing? It looks like hes saying something.
The whole office feels darker
I know.
It is 1-3-4
You are murdering the Nard-dog!
Hey-o!
My maid died.
How are operations of the company? Just

Oh. Oh my God. Im so embarrassed. You werent supposed to see this. This is like my secret obsession.
No way!
I hate soccer. But guess who doesnt hate soccer? Charles Miner.
Ahhh. You b*st*rd! That shoulda been me!
Cool!
Whoa! And he just goes
You know your soccer
I mean
Im in it to win.
Get im
What do you think?
Thank you!
Oh
Uh oh! Oh! Oh!
Um
Pffft.
The last thing I want to do
No
Look youve been here longer
That was great
What? Oh my God you heard that Im so embarrassed. Im like so rusty.
Really?
Literally every song is better a cappella. Name a song.
Better a cappella!
Yeah. Name another.
Better a cappella.
Aw!! Way better a cappella
Yeah.
This is my solo.  stereo plays Andy imitating bass guitar
Trust me. You will not be walking. You will be boogie-ing.
Well
Did you even hear the music I just played for you?
What was up with Pam being all pushy and negative in there?
It scares me to see you going down a road that I went down.
When I see her bossing you around like that
I know a few things about love. Horrible
Noishe.
Thats interesting
And you know what? I am here for you. Let me be your traveling pants.   Ah
Totally.
Hey
Bro
Tuna
Well
Jim.
Okay
Okay
Hello.
Excuse me
Oh
Yeah
Uh
Oh man
Hey
I just think the bar should be lower for a newbie.
I dont want to have said that. But I think its important that you know it.
I call foul
Andrew Bernard.
What are you still doing not at your desk?
All my files are now in reverse alphabetical order--
Oh
We could write a strong-worded letter.
I had a salmon salad. With water
Dijonnaise.
Me too.
Thats completely backwards.
You dont understand clothing
Youre running from the problem.
Wittle Andy is afwaid.
Yes.
Its like a haunted disco.
Everybody Dance Now
Yeah! I love the vibe down here.
Im not sure
This dance competition is not over.
Yeah. No. Well
Well
I
Are you sure thats not the gay ear?
Well
Count to twen - count to twenty.
K
Agh! Son of a bitch!
It was?
Bro-migo
If-
Uh...
Thats...
... not what I meant.
playing volleyball
Okay
Are you blind?!
Can you see things with your eyeballs?!
Bump! I bumped it!
Jim
Dwight.
Vending machine. Vending machine. I want a treat. Something to eat. I want a treat. A little sweet. But not too sweet. What do I eat? Vending machine. Tell me what to eat now.
So they asked me to audition for Subtle Sexuality so I gave them a little  . Followed by some  . And
Weve met before...
Can I still be in the video?
You guys. DVD. Finished.

Parkour!
Do me! Do me!
Ow! Get off! Get off!
Here it is
Hardcore Parkour!
leaps from trailer
inside refrigerator box

What?
So?
I like tea!
Hahaha! I like it a lot! I love tea!
WHAT??
Who told you that? Was it Broccoli Rob? Someone from Chi Psi? Or did you run into someone from my high school?
This is not the first time rumors about me being gay have come up. Twice before
Did you hear the rumor about me? That Im gay?
And?
Do you think its true? Do you think that Im... gay?
No! But
Would I push him away? How hard? Like
Its not real Brad Pitt
Tuna
Women friends?
Not guy friends?
No. I mean
But off the record
Yeah
Yeah
How?
Right-o.
Ohh...
Alright.   Well hey...
Congratulations to you.
Come on... little baby Tuna. Little junior toro.
I heard it from Erin.
Even the fact that Im gay?
Yes!
Michael... am I gay?
What can I do for ya Hoss?
How are my sales doin? Busted. My numbers are down a little bit and its cause of the economy. Youre not buying it
Oh
You got it.
Oh
Dit
Oui
Thats not how that goes.
Theres no way that Stanley gets more beans than me.  starts to take Stanleys beans
Thank you! That is exactly-- by the way
Dwight peels a hard-boiled egg at his desk
What happens in Niagara
No... I didnt steal your joke.
in Andys car
Mmm-hmm. Erin?
Not only is Erin really sweet and cute... she smells like my mom.
Hey. I got the room the night before you guys. Ill break in the bed.
How did Meredith get put at the young peoples table?
What? Youre kid-- Thats-- Youre--
Partay. Room 639.
Chicks are gonna be off the hook. Guys
Nothing. Except $40 for beer and any hot chicks you know. Cause that would help me deliver on some promises I made. Woo!
No one from the office has been to a real Bernard throw down.
If I was girl
You call that a robot? Try being more robotic
How about a little bit of this.
Did someone change my name to Baskin Robbin? Because I feel like a banana split. Woo!
I was dancing and I did a split and I landed on my car keys in my pocket.
I tore my scrotum. I need you to take me to the hospital.
Everyone else is too drunk. Just dont let me die here.
Are you sure this is the right way?
Well
I was trying to liven things up a little bit. I was kinda doing your job so--
Well its also to make sure that we have a great time at your stupid wedding
Ow
I spent the night with the bride the night before the wedding. Ah yeah. She stepped on my hand on her way to the bathroom.
No. No that was real.
Oh cause of last night? No way. Reports have been exaggerated. Weddings make me very emotional. I um--I just have that side to me.
Well thats not--
I wasnt telling you.
Excuse me?
No
It was my scrotum. Um
Golf.
Stock market.
Dave Matthews.
What do you think?
What happened in there?
Mobsters are!
He drives an SUV!
All mobsters have a front
Yeah
Its John Gotti
Yeah. Its pretty close.
Already? This
Yeah right! You heard him! Hes gonna burn down the warehouse or run one of our trucks off the road.
hangs up
Not only that
Thats how it works!
When somebody threatens you
Dwight...
Wait lets hear him out
Okay.
I like this plan. Id like to officially withdraw my plan.
No
Well youre gonna have to.   Dwight : Well be right beside you.
What?
Well if Im gonna back you up
To change tires
Should I change?
Well then I cant use it. Im just gonna hide it.
Oh! God!
Hi.
Hmm. Very true.
You know
Maybe we have a plan for you?
Yeeeeah.
Yes I can.
Okay!
Black goes on the red. With the... If we... Positive... Mo- it being a motor drive
You want to do this junior? I didnt think so. Sorry. Its kind of a long day at the... mechanic store.  Andy places connections wrong
So your cars totaled. Uh
Yeah. Just thinking about how
It was before
Do it.
Just do it.
You were man enough to back down Michael
Hes alive. So youre welcome.
Yeah
Youre right
Well I dont see that happening.
Are you saying-
That we surgically remove the fear center from Michaels brain?
That seems a little far-fetched.
No
Class act. Boy scout.
Hes trying to intimidate you to close sales. Hes just a pushy salesman.
Whoa. Okay.
Next time you look in the mirror
You made the mafia apologize to you! You made the mafia be polite!
Sure thing
How may I be of service to you?
both look at Dwight
What are you thinking?
Let me tell you something
I know
Trust me it would only make you mad.  opera continues
Is this because of the 60 Minutes segment about working conditions in our Peruvian paper mill?
That is not okay dude.
WB!
Industrial P.! Makin cold calls.
Where are you? Dean Trophies. Suite 100. Sherman Blinds and Rugs. Suite 202.
Yeah. I was gonna sing that part.
Except it was going to resolve the melody
Were kind of a dynamic duo. Or trio.
Looks like somebodys got a case of the definitelies.
Sha-bow.
Oh
Nuh. Actually
Pams carrying our surrogate. Because my girlfriend needed to keep her figure for fashion week. So
No I wasnt. Ok. The very idea of us together made you burst out laughing like you just bit into an Adam Sandler and jelly sandwich.
Let me tell you something. I was never gonna make that sale.
That is our sales pitch and we are stickin to it.
Well-
Yeah. You know. Two peas in a pod. We complete each other. What can I say? She loves to cook-
I love to dance-
Right. Sometimes Ill just dance for hours in the living room-
Yeah. We are thrilled.
In fact
Yeah. On Clearview Avenue.
Yeah.
One of the baby books suggets the best birthing posture is on all fours
Oh
Oh
Message received
Well
We got a maybe. It was our first maybe. Going by the Nard Dog curve
You know what? Im sorry. Cause in that moment I knew I was kissing your belly too much.
Yeah.
What the heck was that?
Agh- try almost cried
No. I know Im gonna go with Miss Janet. I just- I dont know. It was fun to role play
I mean
What do you think of Erin? I mean- shes- I- Shes kinda cool.
You think I can do better?
Gotta get my goin out on.
Wow. H & H. You went all the way to New York City to get us bagels?
Thanks.
Oh
Yes!   And I wanted to return the favor. I was polishing my loafers and I happened to look over and noticed that your brief case was a little worse for the wear
Feel it against your cheek.
You give me a gift-- Bam! Thank you note. You invite me somewhere-- Pow! RSVP. You do me a favor-- Wham! Favor returned. Do not test my politeness.
Whoa--
Thank you very much. Now Ive got it for you.
Is that right?
Huh.
That really works.
Hey-- oh
Whoa-- thank you very much.   Oh boy.
You are very welcome.
Have a seat yourself.
Not necessary.
You didnt have to do that.
Aye-yi-yi!
Yep
You bought breakfast for everyone
Whoa
No
Ok
Ahh.
Stupid things wedged up there. No one in this office will help me.
What if Dwight dies and I still owe him something? That is a recipe for a ghost.
Its like a little envelope-- there you go.
Surprise!   Its from everybody. $15 value.
I did stand up comedy once.
Yeah
It was hilarious.
I got it
I like Erin. There
Whod you get?
Oooooo
Nathaniel Nutmeg
Thats clever
Well
Uh
I reckon I got something to say to Miss Beatrix Bourbon
Hey there young lady.
I would be remiss if I did not ask the pretty young lady out on a date for this weekend.
Alright
Im a little worried I might have asked out Naughty Nellie and not Erin. Which would be a whole lot less appealing
Just thinking about Weekend at Bernies. Its funny
Speaking of weekends
Yeah
Well
Did you mean a real date?
Totally... not.
Andy
I am calm.
Thats aerosol spray. Its terrible for the environment.
Ladies and gentlemen from Scranton
Hate the twirl!
Im so jealous right now.
Hey
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Michael
Make it a softball. Something he can
This is your big day. Come on.
Kay.
Yeah. Well
Look
You should get up and say something. Youve got to be true to whats in there.   Dont be a wuss.
Ive always been the guy who can rally other people to rebel. In high school I organized a walk out over standardized testing. Got over 500 students to just skip the SATs. At the last second I chickened out
You wanted to see me?
Is it serious?   Wow. Andys a wittle scared.
Why would people say that?
Andy have a boo-boo tummy.
Would you rather me say Hey guys
Crazy diarrhea happening right now? Cause things can get real adult real fast.
Do I sometimes replace Rs with Ws? Yes. Do I sometimes repeat a word to get my point across? Well if I do
Well if I were complaining
I dont-just people. For the record
Tank you Mr. Elwis.
Dr. Tuna
The entire office has come down with a pernicious case of the Mondays.
0%
Dont worry. There is a surefire cure. Employee of the Month. Every awesome place Ive worked has had one.
Bear Stearns
Great!
Nope!
Jims talking to Michael right now. They totally went for our idea!
Number nine
Correction. It was my idea.
That would be employee number three
Oh
Why would you wrap it in a sheet
I begged Dwight and Jim to give me Erin for Secret Santa. And I decided to give Erin the Twelve days of Christmas. Is it my fault that the first eight days is basically thirty birds?
Does it hurt?
Hmm.
I know
Huh!
Yeah! Totally! I admit it! Its me.
Seriously? Are you serious?
Yeah! Totally serious! Im your Secret Santa! Busted!
Hey Phyllis
Okay.
Nnnnya.
I
Well its the thought that counts.
I suppose a gentlemen might... throw in the towel
Merry Christmas Erin! Take it away boys!
Great news
Ok.
Saber.   Dunder Mifflin and Saber. So yeah
You sure its saber?
I am telling you
Well maybe they ran away
The balls totally in Erins court. After the whole drum line thing.
Hey
Uh
Okay.
Thats as hard as I can hint.
These sure are pretty dogs...
They sure do.
Oh
Got some Valentines cards for my coworkers and my bro-workers.
Valentines Day
throwing a card at Meredith
Whoa-oh
Beep-beep! Beeooop-beep!
Theres blood everywhere! Um
Yeah
Uh
Oh
Yeah! Its Roger Federer for men
Its got pheromones in it.
Its not cause of the smell. Im just expecting a nosebleed.
Im sorry
Cool
...That was weird.
I dont even know what that card said.
Excuse me? Everyone? Please check your emails
Phyllis
Please dont read into this card. Yours in professionalism
Its n-- that wasnt... I like someone else.
Its not... Whether or not
Yeah
Guys. Word of advice. Speaking as a former baby. Dont get too hung up on baby names. I was named Walter Jr. after my father until I was about six or so
My brother was born
Can we do sleight of hand tricks?
Yes! Can anyone do those?
I can do the evolution of dance-dance.
Nope
A little frazzled.
Hey
What? God damn it. She was supposed to come out yesterday.
I decided to give baby Halpert a newspaper from the day she was born. This frame set me back fifty five bones. But she decided to take her sweet time
This man has a gift!
Torn scrotum. Still on the mend
Yes
Why was I hiding behind the plant? Ha
Ow.
Erin
The fax says Erin
Sorry
Oh
Im... Im asking you out.
So
Yeah
Well
Okay. Lets do it.
Welcome back Tuna!
Erin go braugh!
Thanks. Its actually my sisters old field hockey skirt.
Erin and I have our first date tonight
The cats in the cradle and the silver spoon
She should go home. Its not the end of the world. Well go on our date next week. Shes still gonna like me in a week. Right?
I was just working at my desk and I wanted to run some new leads by you.
No
I have some good ideas...
You sure?
Hi!
Thats okay
It is? Im sorry.
Okay
Whoa!
I didnt know you had a brother.
Well
Are we rotating seats
So
All right. Formative years.
Yeah
Ooh. Its coming down out there.
No
Ah. Oh great
Well then no Andy Bernard per se.
Very nice. Let me just
Give me that  wrestles with Darryl
Me likey!
Hey. I guess you probably wont give me your leads since Im a jerk salesman.
Where?
Are you...
Are you sure?
Yeah.
All those who agree
And Ill text Erin. Shes really good at this stuff too.
Erin just texted me back. People love shells from far-away beaches.
Yeah. We wanted to bring you in and make a peace offering.
Its freezing out here.
Oh wow
A bunch of us are talking about happy hour.
Oh
Ring her up.
Ha! Knew it!
Erin
Yes.
Whoa.
We recently struck up a romantic relationship. And
Yeah
Hey
A bunch of us are going to get some drinks
Im sorry
For happy hour?
Trying to get a head count.
All right
Whoa! What is crackin?
Yeah
Wow
Theyd be like
Did we miss the wedding? Um
No drama. Ok.
Did you tell them?
This is exactly what I dont want
We just have to throw everyone off the scent a little
Hi.
I dont normally do this
Just sit down next to a beautiful woman and start talking to myself to confuse other people.
What are you doing?
We didnt say we were gonna
Get in here.   Where did you learn to talk like that?
Well
This is not what I want my relationship to look like.
Hi
You know
I know
This is awesome!
Its Secretarys Day. And it is Erins and my three-week anniversary. So perfect storm for a romantic gesture.  Andy unfurling a giant Happy Secretarys Day banner by reception
I do.
If it wasnt for secretaries
I was just wondering what you had planned for Secretarys Day.
Yeah. She really looks up to you. And theres only so much we can do as her coworkers. Secretarys Day is really kind of a boss-secretary thing.  Michael glances over at Erin in reception
Thats my girlfriend youre talking about.
Shes gonna be so psyched.
So... how was lunch?
Was it everything that you hoped and dreamed it might be?
Well
Hey. Can I have your attention please? First of all
I am saying the exact opposite. Angela is fantastic.
Specific shout-out..
Ok. As some of you may know
Can we talk about this in private?
Yes.
Why would that be something to talk about on Secretarys Day?
I was going to tell her
Who cares? I mean its not like I killed someone. Big deal right? This can blow over in two seconds. She never asked me. So
Will you stop walking for one second? Thats it. Theres no other secrets. Ok? I mean yeah
A year.
Yeah but thats it. Now you know everything about me. I promise. And if I think of anything else...
I didnt see that movie.
Sometimes telling someone something is hard. Well
Well
Ehh.
You know
Walk around apple orchards.
Super romantic.
How many dates have you been on?
Mm.
Of course. Yeah
Hey
Yeah
What are we gonna do about this?
Let me know what they say.
What do you mean?
I dont know.
Whats up? I got your e-mail.
Okay.
Such as?
What? You dont know what it meant? How about Andy is a problem and we must eliminate him?
Yeah. Hah. Hoo.
Creeds head of quality assurance. So hed definitely be wrapped up in this.
Your text said 911.
Whats bad?
Oh
I might have to go public here
Yeah.
There what is?
Were printing on 24-pound premium stock paper
Right. My name is Andrew Baines Bernard
Higher? Okay.   Recently certain events have come to my attention...
Make it higher? Okay.
I have come to the conclusion that the Sabre corporation...
May be overlooking certain safety regulations. At the danger...   ah!   Its working.   Its... I knew it!
We are blowin the roof off! Blowin the roof off!   Nice. Nice. This is my partner
No secret crying. Hasnt even opened the tissue box in there.
Well
How does he feel about it?
Did Donna tell you that?
So youre just making a giant assumption. You dont even know the guy.
My name is Andy Bernard and I am a cuckold. For those of you unfamiliar with William Shakespeare
So... heres the thing about infidelity.
How does that work?
In any cheating movie
Not this time.
This guys a high school baseball coach
Yeah. Those teams have games and practices every day. Lets go check it out.
Oh
Bum bum BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM bum bum
Baseball!
Where?
Stage right or stage left? I played batboy in damn yankees!
And Now
Whatever. Im the one blending in.
Chase Dixon is up. Could be a big play.
I know its like cricket.
And its--theres-- well
Seems pretty well liked by the team.
You do know that high school coaches dont pay their players.
Great game
You guys are awesome! Best game Ive ever seen in my life.
Ha. The other guys can go die.
Baseball! Go talk to him.
Shane. Great game man!
No. Uh
Ha. No. No. But were gay for baseball.
But I have a wife
Yeah. I am so into the institution of marriage.
I mean
I get it
Of course.
But real quick
Come on
Get- Get over here. Sheldon
I just wanna go on record as saying that I do not condone this affair
Do you want someone to stop you? Cause no ones going to.
If you say anything
So unfair. Even if I thought that our printers killed baby seals
Uh...
I
Okay? I
I swear on the graves of my parents who arent even dead yet.
I dont care
I dont know whos giving Darryl any crap. He was more bothered about it than me.
What? Based on what?
Yeah. You know
Gabe
Youre going to believe that guy?
Hey Phyllis
Look
Well
Hey.
Uh
Go
Toby
Whoo! We did it!
Brocolli Rob
And JC. We call him Blorville
Hey!
Not at all.
Am I angry that Gabe stole my girlfriend over the summer? No. Ive been through anger-management
New guy sucks. Calls me the Nard-Man. Im the Nard-Dog
That kid is the worst. Needs to be fired
Clutch cream run
You get that kid to open this car
This kids costing us sales
Oh
No
Whoa! Whoa! Hey. Whoa. Dwight! Stop!
Well
Dwight?
Did you call all of my clients at the mall and cancel all my business while using the F word?
No
Did you assume that I would automatically side with the rich snobby shop owner?   How about now?   How about now?   How about now?
Pretty Woman.
Julia Roberts goes into the store
I was telling that... I was telling that.
A gentleman who is a rich snob who will go into shopping malls and drop huge amounts of cash on clothes.
If someone offers you a cocktail
I think hes got it!

After you.
No.
Steven Sondheim.
Were the cast of Sweeney Todd : The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. We open in a couple weeks at the Loose Screw Playhouse here in Scranton and today just doing a wee bit of viral marketing.
Like a month ago.
Two comps. For my lady and her Gabe. Its closing night. Tomorrow we have to give the theater over to the Scrantons Miss Fitness pageant.
What? Thats awful. Everyones gonna miss that guy.
Gabe is not coming
Everyone.
What kind of terrible rumor monger is Gabe? He is woefully misinformed
8pm sharp.
Hour forty-five.
Jim
Dwight?
It would mean so much to me if you came to my show tonight.
If it makes you feel any better
This guys like world-class. You should not feel bad. Im asking you thespian to thespian. Will you please be the bigger man and come to my show?
Noishe!
Hey
My parents used to scramble to find babysitters so they could take my younger brother to do stuff. I understand how hard it can be. I just-tonight
Yes!
Oh my gosh
Yeah
Guys?
You all made it
Shes babysitting?
I understand. This is
Just checking my e-mails. See if I got any last-minute break a legs or I still love you type texts. Doesnt look like I got anything. Maybe on my Facebook wall.
Mr. Todd! Mr. Todd! I found her!
That monster of a judge has locked her- . Locked her away.
Oh
You know what? Let me just double check
A madhouse.
Yes
Do you think...   so you think...  bottle rolling
Thats really irresponsible of Erin. Shes a terrible babysitter.
Are you ready?
Ah! Blood everywhere.
Yeah
Okay.
These would have been your seats. Best seats in the house. Lots of people think it would be the front row
Awesome.
See you later.
Yeah
It was like amateur hour.
Stop just saying that.
Thank you. That feels good.
Thanks
Okay

Uhh
Very very smart.
Oh its stinging him! Ow! Ow!
Michael
You know what guys
Excuse me everyone
What do you mean again?
Maybe like a year ago...
No
Everyone
Its the worlds only international sport!
Ba na na na na. Hot pizza
So
What
Perfectly normal genitalia Tuna. Now Im going to show you another picture of perfectly normal genitalia.
Its normal! Big deal! Yeah sure it has some herpes on it
Herpes
Ok I guess I can make a pros column. Feels...
Express love
Umm
Then I will write it down.
I actually had that down in the cons column
Ok
Yes! Thank you! Such as?
Yes
Ok
Who can tell me what the safest form of s*x is?
Incorrect
I just thought Id bring it up in case someone in here was practicing abstinence. Thats all. Anybody?
Well someone could answer if they want to.   Ok
What?
Well Im not gonna use my pen1s
Im doing this for you Meredith!
Well did you h- di- GAH! Does no one appreciate what Im doing right now?!
I dont know
How is that relevant to anything?
The only reason I said that is because you asked me so politely! It was very difficult for me to say no.
No Im just sweating.
Im not crying Im just sweating.
Ok.
Whoa. Libby Dirketts got married. Big Red mazel tov to the Libster. Ooh
No
Some Vermont-based alums can hear Broccoli Rob Blatt
Yeah
I was the artsy
Knockity-knock
Not to go all Sherlock Holmes on you
Im starting a band and I need you on keyboards.
This is for pleasure.
Im willing to pay you.
Yeah.
Sixty bucks a session.
Yes!
Please Mr. President-
Yeah.
Yeah
Yeah
Thats a lie.
I just was hoping to maybe save your voice in case we did a novelty song about frogs.
Okay
Okay. Honest feedback time. Oscar?
But do you think it could be famous? Like in a car commercial or something?
I feel like I can see someone ice skating to it. You know
Rude. And not helpful.
Well
Thanks
Reverse snobbery.
Sometimes I feel like life has passed me by.
Holy crap. Are you kidding me? You just made that-thats amazing!
Which me am I gonna be today?
I gotta closet full of mes. Am I gonna be the happy me?
Oh
Wait. Seriously?
So were just
Closet full of mes-
Ill be your croak madame.
Croak
Ribbit!
What about this one? Its kinda badass
shirtless
Shh! Shhh!
Tuna! Tuna! Do you want us to skip this party?
You know what else?   The-this... this sucks for Jim. Right? But it also sucks for us. Because we dont get invited to a ton of Halloween parties.
Creeds going?!
Screw corporate! They probably stole the idea anyway.
Hey
Im really sorry
You were?
Were just like
Well Jim and Pam basically begged us not to go...
Sookehhh.   Bill Compton
Whats up
When I was a freshman in college
I started to ask myself
And a top of the day to you too
looking at Cece
Does the Nard-dog want Nard-pups? Yeah. I want a big ol litter of Nard-pups. All jumping around
What if the moon was your car and Jupiter was your hair brush?
Michael
Save me an aisle seat
I will not stand idly by while these Mexican villagers are sick.
Whatever. I wont-I wont stand for it.
Were one in a million.
Just a heads up. Probably gonna be borrowing a few things. Uh
Good-bye
Well
I dont know
They dont know how.
Well
Do you smell like a weird
And the Christmas party.
Nah
I can make myself cry.
Should I-I got it. I got it.   Um
Well
Just make him stop the freaking bus!
It doesnt matter.
If we went to Mexico
Stop the bus!
I bet hes wishing he had a hybrid
Youre having a party at Gabes apartment?
You would?
Try and keep me from coming!
Try and hide it
No what?
Yeah.
Oh thanks.
Why does Erin like Gabe?
Thats really nice

enters room where Phyllis is pouring wine
My nanny used to wear that.
I just ate powdered seahorse! I have to admit I did not think it was gonna work
muttering going on all around
What does this say?
confused
Did you wear my favorite outfit on purpose?
Youre four seasons in a day.   You... got the Autumn thing going on. But if you put on ba-   Put if you put on a blue...  stops
No!
Puts pillow in front of the puke.
Erin likes Gabe.
Do you think that theyve ever...
Well girls tell each other things right?
I accidentally ate some seahorses.
I didnt know its powdered
Thats so beautiful.
I got it
Im sorry
Anyone can just throw numbes up on a chart. What are you doing to make it happen?
You have his email?
That sounds weird.
Yeah
Your doing the wrong thing. Youre gonna lose Michaels investment. Youre gonna lose ours.
If you tell Michael to sell
All those in favor of selling
Youre gonna lose all of our money.
Whats the occasion?
I would like a muffa du blueberry por favor.
Eight dollars?
Yeah
Hey Darryl.
But I wanted you to know that Michael and I are wearing the same tie today. Its insane.
Got it. Then I will call you.
Well are you?
Oh my gosh she is so cute. She looks like both of you.
Oh
Megan Fox! Come on!
Yes
Oh
It is not just coffee.
And then he will smugly pay the cheque and make you feel so small.
Damn it. Michael
Michael
This guy doesnt just wanna win. Yknow
Im like a quarter of the way through.
No.
Yeah.
Shhh. Youre gonna scare em away.
Yeah. Right.
Lets just jump in the air!
Well
Yea?
All good
Hello Kittys for girls.
That sounds awesome. Can we all do it?
Is it criminal?
Have we heard of it?
Oh
I bought these.
These cookies are fine.
I will help. Although my brid
I do
You know Darryl?
I should come along
Its cool
Come on
Christmas tree
Ehh
I dont have kids or anything
Yes.
Nobody hug me
Why would anyone frame you for that?
I am the mean old grinch. The little girl who wishes to win back the Christmas star must first succeed at these challenges.
Wahhh...
No. You must answer topical political questions. How many congressmen is the state of Pennsylvania guaranteed? And what other state has the equal number?
Do you know the other state?
The star has been hidden. Is the little girl hot or cold? Well
Drink less caffeine. Thats a good one
Yeah. I love cooking
No
Thats a good one.
You know what
The bookstore?
All right! We should divide up by section. I will take romance and travel.
Hi.
Let us know if you need anything.
Why did we pretend like we work here?
Good!
We kinda nailed it.
Hey
I dont know. Single moms at a skating party. Sweet sixteen
Roller derby practice!
Um... Dave Matthews Band. No hits! Deep tracks only.
I said no hits!
Hey! Where did you go?
Oh
Yeah
And where did you go?
Thats actually Master of Ceremonies Bernard.
Last year
Thank you so much Tuna Turner. You are simply the best.
Go higher. I get super flexible when Im nervous.
No. What? You cant do that. You are a critical part of this seminar. Youre the charming warm-up guy
If the seminar was a meal
You cant. You cant.
I cant have this go badly. Im a terrible salesman
Theyre not worms
Stanley
What? I already lost Jim. Salesmen are suppose to help each other out. Were suppose to be a team.
Kevin
Hey
Hi
I need somebody to talk to this seminar about business.
Can you do it?
So no?
What do I put you down for
All right!
Okay
What?
Kevin
Ryan
Welcome everybody. Awesome to see you guys. My name is Andy Bernard but you can call me The Nard Dog.
Lets get things started
Are you okay?
Here...
Im really excited to introduce you guys to Ryan Howard. He has achieved a great deal in the last...
What are you...
That brilliant little bitch.
Ladies and gentlemen
Okay. All right
Thank you.
Really?
Excuse me.
Hey
What?
to Dwight
Hi. Hope you enjoyed your lunch. Welcome back.   Ooh. Well
Maybe. Only maybe.
Wow! What a day
Yeah
Yeah
This is hard for me. Im a nice guy.
Okay
Yes! Awesome! All right
Good choice. The rest of you are dead to me. You made the stupidest decision of your life.
But it was a pleasure meeting you
Well
Hey
Oh
Divorced?
Sorry
And you didnt invite any of us?
Yeah
Boo-yea!
You?
Oh it is on like Genghis Khan wearing Sean Jean in Buton.
Woo-hoo.
Yeah
Phyllis!
Oooohhh.
Do the next one.
Oh!

Birthday punches!   One two three four five sice seven eight!
...thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen seventeen eighteen nineteen twenty twenty-one twenty-two twenty-three twenty-four twenty-five twenty-six!...
...So I got an early res at Blue Wasabi and Im taking Rachel. Shes picking me up after work.
Oh
Whats up?
Are you kidding me? Its all I did every summer when my brothers were out sailing.
But if there is a romantic thing with Gabe
Well
At least until Stanley calms down.
D...d...d...d...dont look. I accidentally did his Sudoku.
Shes neat. Uh
Hey
I wish you well on your quest.
Aww
Okay.
Whoa.
We should actually probably talk about it outside or we might make Darryl mad.
I think he can hear us.
That makes sense
Darryl is a jerk.
No
Oh. Okay.
The temp at night?
Pi...
Okay.
Right. Okay.
Okay
Oh
How romantic is this?
Right. Do you see a clue or...
Oh
No time to chat.
Hey.
B-9.
Maybe its just more like
Mm.
Hmm.
Some people are really popping on screen!
Whoa Whoa Whoa! Isnt the president evil?
looking at his computer
Where did you get this?!
This is a sick computer! Gwen Stefani has this computer!  to Pam
Yeah
Well Andys desk needs a computer. And
Im not asking for one
Phyllis
What are you gonna play mange on faster?
Its crazy
Pam
-take a few breaths
Thats interesting. So you also think my computer is crappy.
Seriously?
Pam! Come on!
Fine!   Please make sure no one is humping me!
Pam. Can I talk to you in private?
Well they put a sign-up sheet on the conference room and I signed us up for three mods. A mod is five minutes. And it started two minutes ago.
Can we talk about this in the meeting? Because were a little late.
Mind if I close the door?   What you did out there
You humiliated me in front of every body!
I mean
Pretty sneaky sis.
Andy is seen clicking random things and warning boxes pop up. He pours coffee on his keyboard
No no no no no! We can say that the previous owner was a neat-freak. Or an elegant old lady and she just kept it around in case her grand-kids came to visit
Thats probably good. Thats enough.
Lets not go crazy.
plugging in new computer
Whered you even find this thing
All right
Close it.
Close it.
Close it.
Just close it.
Oh my gosh
Really?
Well... theres no instructions.
Im pretty good at board games.
Sure.
Hmm
And call a proxy meeting to take control of you and oil once and for all.
Why not. Seems to me were just making up rules cause somebody forgot to staple the rules to the inside of the game like a normal human being.
Oooh.
Well played.
We must honorably adhere to the rules we are making up on the spot.
Well thats Dallas.
You cant go
That exact situation is why I always carry around some of these.  holds up Hello
I wasnt even trying to make a joke. But I guess Ive always been sorta quirky
Here we go... ok... what do African Americans call...
I... dont know. Help me.
I dont mean to go into a rant here
I wrote the perfect joke. Topical
...I saw this thing on the news. Democrats want electric cars. Republicans dont. Im thinking
I wasnt taking a position. Its just one of those things where-
Yeah
Lets see if they have my favorite teas in here...  throws tea packets into air

I guess this is my life now.
Why dont you think of hosting the Dundies like youre just running a meeting.
A lot of people Id like to thank
I mean
Nine million
Hey!
Why dont you
Okay! Thats so weird! Just go away!
Hi Tuna.
Wow.
You know Im the worst salesman here right?
Im gonna lose em.
I promise you that I will.
No.
I just lost Porter Hardware! I just
walking into the kitchen
Im going to be dropping out on one of our biggest clients this afternoon and I could use some back up.
I thought wed just talk about our customer service and exceptional paper quality.
What do I know?
Yeah.
Yeah!
Alright.
No. I dont.
Awwhh
Oh
Mmhmmm.
Uh DeAngelo
Sir
Hey!   Good job boss!
Hey!
Oh
I gotcha covered
Whoa
How could I not see it? Youre so right.
And if he doesnt listen
Yes! Im in.
Im going in
Okay
In fairness
I know
Yeah?
Sure. Whats going on?
What?
No
Were just friends
Yeah
Pam
Dwight
Aah! Aah! Its so loud!
Eeeeeeee... Theres like this crazy ringing going on. I cant - eeeeeee... I cant find perfect C.
Somethings definitely wrong.
I think I should go the hospital.
Thank you
Its my ear.
Okay
Hey.   Were back.
Well
Yeah.
Temporary deafness in one ear. It was both ears. I couldnt hear a thing Darryl was saying while we were in the waiting room.
We have to clean this up now!
No!
Uh...
Did I say that earlier? Yes
And sobbing uncontrollably. Yes. Uh-huh. You were in hysterics. And my maternal instincts kicked in. Is it actually how I feel? Yes. Or no. That is... between me and my diary.

The manager job? Nah
Dont even...   EEEHHHH!!!!
EEEHHH!! No. Hehe.
In my family
Good luck
Okay
Augh.
For starters
I wasnt acc-
Right! I really wasnt trying to insult any
What?
Okay. Let me think... are you counting car windows?
Uh
Yeah! And the diameter of the Sun is 870
I am unhappy with the confusing and
Hey
Whered you learn how to puppet like that?
Listen
Erins my best friend in this office
Tuna... Youre completely sane.
Who do you like for the job? Is there anyone who maybe was a little underwhelming at first
Whoever it is
She may have a point there... would a small pen1s work? Small-to-moderate.
Uh
Sometimes you hear about people failing upwards. I think Im about to do that.
After you my good sir.
I insist.
I... its unbelievable. True
Uh
Thank you
Hey
First item on the agenda: can I get everyone an extra long Columbus Day weekend. Item number two
The Friday before Columbus Day. Thoughts?
Just making chit-chat. Kind of a medium year for womens soccer
Really great list of names guys. Thank you so much. Good work.
Oh
I gotta say. Kinda seems like the left sides the side to be on. Me
We couldnt crack it.
Hell know that we looked at his private notebook.
Im already working on this Columbus Day thing for you guys and its starting to stack up. Feels like a lot. One thing at a time.
Whats up? Weird thing. Totally awkward
And it was open. And people saw this. And theyre just kinda going nuts and like wondering what it is.
Its a photocopy from your notebook.
No. They did. And they asked me to ask about it.
What?
That is fascinating. And
Okay. Roberts in the annex
Stanley
Thank you. A little much needed comic relief
Dwight!
Well
Great group! Pizza party!
Well
Okay. You guys ever had Margarita pizza?
Fresh tomato with a dollop of mozzarella cheese.
Ah hah! Their interpretation of Margarita pizza. Fans of classic pizza will be psyched.
Cmon Pam. Chins up
Yeah?
When I was a salesman I could just be like Not my job
Hi
Thank you. Great. Robert. I said winners and losers. Is that what youre talking about?
Oh
No. No
Im going in there.
I know that every time I talk to you things just seem to get worse. But
Well
Meredith Palmer... Supplier relations. The word no not even in her vocabulary. And just to show you that Im being fair. You had Gabe in the loser column. I think that is astute. Good call. Pam
Erin Hannon
Yes. No! The Friday before Columbus Day
Yes
I dont care.
Hey guys. So Columbus Day
Well
Night.
Night.
Kevin
Here
What are you gonna do with all this time?
Oh
I just wanted to pop in and get your opinions on ties...and tie clips. Which combo do you think Robert is going to like more?   What do you think
Yeah. C-SPAN
I am still forming a first impression with Robert. Once it is formed
Hi Dad!...... Ahhh....oh boy.
Are you factoring in the... whole national ...economy.... declining and all that?
I think I can sum it up with what I think is your favorite ice cream flavor....vanilla?
You were saying you chose me.... There was a reason?
Can I inspire?   I dont know!.....I dont know.
Why dont we get Robert a nice hot fresh cup and I will have this.
Ive been craving a freezing cup of old coffee.   Mmm....
I do.
You know
You got it.
Done.
Neither am I
Whats up
If no one else wants to? I was just thinking about Robert...man. What a boss. Just throws down goals
OF course not. Theres no magic button. You have to summon that.
Dwight
You know what? We need to get our heads out of the box. If we did have something
Fart..... good Sesh.   That legs asleep.
D-Bone. There you are.
No
I know
Yeah...um
Must be a tough time to be a family farm.
Oof. What are you gonna do about that?
Theres gotta be some way you can double your beet sales...
Thanks for coming in guys.
Well I never got thanked for coming into a meeting and I always wanted to be so Im gonna thank people.
This is whats under the blanket.
These are incentives. Its how were gonna double growth. Now
Youre exactly right and you get a point.
Twenty points.
Ive outlined the exact parameters in an email
Theres lots of stuff. John Irving
I cant.
Ooh I didnt mean to offend you
Thats a crazy amount of points.
Well
Alright. For five hundred points
Ill run naked through the parking lot with a donut on my ding-dong.   Yeah? You like that? Alright! For five thousand points
Swear to God
T-bag bone...
Have you noticed a little bit of a mood shift around here?
Really? Because I sat next to Stanley for years....and this is nap time. Open eye nap time. He balances the phone on his shoulder and just powers down. Now look at him.
You think it has something to do with that incentive program?
Bah...I think people thought I was kidding when I said that.
Hundred and twenty points.
Hey Kevin
Hi
Took ‘em one day.
OK
We should think about this...does anyone have any better ideas?
Just need a second outside.
Yeah.
Tunes..what am I doing here? Why did Robert pick me? ....Confession: I dont know what Im doing.
My ass is only so big
No one expects me to go through with this
Lets ink...my stink!
My heart belongs to music. But my ass belongs to these people.
Do your worst!
They are already off
Well
This is where I grin and be-YOW OW!
Invest in softer cotton
AHHHHH!!!!!!!
Its a Nard Dog!   Thats my nickity-name! I love it
Oscar
Well
Were losing cloud cover.
The warehouse crew won the lottery yesterday. Nine hundred and fifty thousand dollars. And then they quit!...and no one else can focus.   This is it. This is all on my shoulders. Im the one who has to tell everyone to get back to work
Are you kidding me?! Guys if I have to ask you to get back to work one more time
What d-? What..what? Wuh
Are they on their way over?
This is kinda time sensitive.
Alright
Are you volunteering?
Jim! How bout you?
Great. And Kevin.
You look awesome.
Where are we in the process?
Did you go out celebrating with the guys last night?
You do have a fantastic basement.
Right. Um
That is not Darryl. I dont know where Darryl is. I suspect probably our Darryl is inside of fat Darryl.
Welcome
Does anyone have experience? Shelving
Well-
Um
You sure? Cause you keep talking about it
Good. Great. Then can you say things that arent like a huge bummer to everybody? Cause the more I talk
We need you
OK?
Alright.
Alright! Thank you for coming back in
Good. Keepin em honest.
Are we scaring them straight....?
Is everyone licensed?
No. Warehouse license....Masters in warehouse sciences?...I
No. Not joking. This is real....painfully real
Does anyone get distracted easily by bubble wrap?   Youll be dealing with lots of bubble wrap obviously. Um...
No. Because they all left.
I mean
What are you talking about? Im not gonna fire you.
.....OK
So Darryl says to me fire me. But what he really means is Im gonna say something really weird
Attention! Does anyone know anyone who could work in the warehouse? We can pay. Come on Oscar
Definition.
Are those just show muscles? Or is he really strong?
Gideon. You are a PhD candidate studying Americas diminishing blue-collar workforce?
Great....Well
Eh
Got it. Dually noted. You!   Coolest tank top I have ever seen. Where did you get that?
So cool! What a cross-section we have here. Thats what I love about interviewing. I get to meet all these people I wouldnt ordinarily meet or know or even talk to.
Surprise! Your new crew.
Why? Because you didnt win the lottery? How am I supposed to make you happy?
Yeah.
Haha
Im not gonna give you my job! Its my job! I earned it! And heres the thing
Nate! Please....thank you. You have no business education
He didnt die
None
Oh
Hey. Heres the thing. Jo saw something in you. She loved you! She gave you a shot and then you stopped pushing. She noticed.
OK what?
Ah
Yeah.   That makes sense. OK. Good
What is goin on?!
Why is the truck empty?
No
Yeah? Pretty cool
What better way to announce our new slightly lower prices than with an ad campaign? And what better face for an ad campaign than our new regional manager?
Howd it look?
No.
What?   Morning
Erin
Oh
Which one did you see?
Yeah
Now
Its just a garden party. Sheesh.
You dont need a reason to throw a garden party anymore than you need a reason to throw a birthday party. Its a garden party. You dont need a reason.
Few other super simple reminders – no burping
I get it
This is not a picnic
Aw
Im glad you asked – Connecticut Casual.
Guys
Its my dad and my brother. I would have joined in but this melody doesnt really support another harmony part
Yeah
See you all there at 3 p.m.
Ooh
Sure.
Uh
You know
Then the basil will be fine.
Hows it going over here
Didnt mean to bother you
Well
I dont know how you got there.
This branch
Did I throw this party to impress my parents? Thats crazy. Now
Can I introduce you around now?
What are you going to see?
What??
I didnt know you were going to be here.
Welcome.
Hey
Oh
So pretty today.
Yeah
Toasts are great. I mean
Lets hear from you guys
You cant triple toast somebody! At least not until we get everyone once.
Yeah
Some of you know that we have an internet star in our midst. Mr. Walter Baynes Bernard Sr.
Ah
Yes!
Well
Saying I love you is not the words...
Yeah?
Right
Saying I love... Saying I love you...
Is anyone filming this? Seriously! Erin!
Cheers! Alright! Cheers
Hello
I dont know
I know
Hey everybody
Um
Thanks
Approved!
Chef from South Park
Ive decided to pre-screen all the Halloween costumes this year. I have three simple rules - dont be offensive
Whoa! Aw
Costume vetoed.
Ah
Kevin has a gorilla suit you could borrow.
Guys
I thought you were at your sisters funeral.
Um
There you go. Thank you.
Everybody looking good
I just got a text from Broccoli Rob - Boo! Scared me. And then I got this text from Robert California - Looking forward to Halloween party. Expectations are high. Scared the s**t out of me.
Gday
Australian accent...
Hey! Uh-oh
Yes.
Wow
Hey. Whats up?
Yeah...
Um
Can we talk about it at the end of the day? I gotta call
Yes.   I dont know. Mmhmm.
It really looks great. You did a great job.
We should still have that talk. Maybe you can come by my office at like 4:45?   Cool.
Whats the story?
I think weve seen enough. You can turn it off now.   Yeah turn it off now.
That was awful. Robert I apologize.
What we have here is a classic misunderstanding.
Did you think I was going to fire you? No I wasnt.   Im sorry this must be really uncomfortable for you.
Ok. Erin I think you know Ive been dating someone.
And its getting a little more serious. Shes never come by.
No I didnt want her to call because I thought it would be weird. But now its weird that shes not calling.
Thirty-one.
Hey everybody its closing time. You dont got to go home but you cant stay here.
Closing time.
Every office needs an end of the day tradition. Something to tell you the day is over. Otherwise
Closing time
One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey and beer.
Come on pam!
I know who I want to take me home. I know who I want to take me home.   I know who I want to take me home.   Take me hooo...hooome! You know what fine! I try to start fun traditions for you guys
Whose your favorite iron chef?
You go first.
Well the monitoring software is a double edged sword. Sometimes...
Umpf...thats not good. Chalk that one up to Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb out there.
Theyre both Kevin. Oscar is the s*x and the City gang and Angela
I would agree with that.
End the mistakes
I would like that.
What do you got?
Sounds controversial.
Do not go there! Youre the deuce I never want to drop.
Go do the voodoo that you do so well.
Mmhmmm.
Hi guys. I just wanted to say that
And Id like to add that your work has been a little sloppy. So
If we as a group make five mistakes in a day
Are you sure this is a good idea? I mean the thing about this office is
Alright everybody
Dwights our co-worker and he worked really hard on this doomsday device so I...
Alright everybody
Gahhh. Thats five strikes.
Dwight we got five strikes.
Did the email go out or...
Well
Ok! Dwight you may now enter your password.
What?!
Nn no.
No!
Some of us should go there and talk some sense into him. Get him to stop that email.
Pam
Kevin has that lovability.
Jim
Gotcha something.  gives Dwight cap
Well now hold on it
Where you going?
Dwight
What are you doing? Its 5 to 5.
Thats insane!
Trust you
Enngh-
Oh!
Erin.
In two minutes I want you to come into this meeting and tell me I have a really important phone call. Im not going to take it because I want him to know how important the meeting is to me.
Nobody. Just say that Im- Just make it up that I have a phone call. And then Im going to refuse to take it.
Just make up a phone call. Its not a real call. Make it up.
And come and tell me. Doesnt matter what it is.
Im not going to take it. And then hes going to be like whoa this is a really important meeting.
Okay.
Ok
Yeah.
Im sorry – Im with a very important client. Itll have to wait.
There is nothing more important to me right now than this meeting.
I dont think shes dead.
Shes not dead. This is exactly the kind of thing my mom pulls.
Yeah. Um line 1?
Hi.
Ooh
Officer.
Did she have any last words or?
Oh make sure that your client gets the best deal possible.
That is so mom.
Alright thank you officer. Erin please hold all my other calls. Where were we?
Im delivering it from the fridge. Its like a porno. Hey did anyone order a pizza?
Yeah and were not about to make love. I just thought maybe youd want to eat lunch at your desk today so that during lunch we could go down to the warehouse and bang out a few tunes.
Uh you tell me
Ske-be-do-bah-bap-bah-de
Thank you. I think I said doop instead of boop at one point.
Hey Robert
Well were all musicians and we play together sometimes.
Thank you.
Miss no more! What do you play? Join us!
CEOs dont play tambourines. Tambourines are for girlfriends.
Great!
I had totally given up on hanging out with Robert California and now he wants to be in our band! And when youre in a rock and roll band with somebody
Yeah
Yeah
Midnight what?
Did you know that Lisa toured with Chaka Khan?
Well
Maybe we could switch instruments.
Cause
We had to leave because of creative differences.
Well-
Rudit-do-do-do-di-do.
Hey! All right
Hey guys
Never cry wolf.
What?! They took another client from us? Okay
I am a leader. But you can only inspire people so much in a place like this. So today Im turning the inspire-factor up to ten with a little help from my friend Americas bloodiest battle.
Why even read business books? We should be studying war. Going to places like Gettysburg. Where is that?
gags
That sounds super inspiring! Im in!
Charge!
Yeah
Dates
You know
Anyone whos not going
One for you.
And one for you.
And- oh. You missed your head.   There you go. Phyllis
All right
Its just not appropri- I mean
All right
You guys...
Get excited!
All right! Were here. Limitless can wait.
Woo-hoo! Ladies and gentlemen the eighteen hundreds await you. We can watch Limitless on the way back.
Woo!
Whoa
Yeah
Unless youre going on the very specially-created and meticulously-researched Andy Bernard tour.
After Chancellorsville
We dont need to bother this poor gentleman. I know exactly where were going. Giddy up! Tallyho!
Lets talk about food for a second. Food for thought.
Hunger! Hunger for victory! Hunger for honor. Hunger for pride.
Exactly. Now do you know the Civil War soldiers were hungry for? Pride! Now
We are all branches on this tree. And from the tree comes paper. Were all part of a business. But business is war. Whats that I hear? Uh
Get the flag! Get the flag! Come on
Spangler Springs is a mile this way.
Its... I mean come on.
Alright fine. You know what – I guess this place just hasnt rubbed off on you the way I hoped it would. Im still going. And Im not going to ask anymore. Im not even going to look back. Im just going to assume that youre with me.
Dammit.
You guys came. Wheres everyone else?
Yeah I asked the bus driver to lock it because our stuff was in there. I guess he follows orders.
Even without an audience youre still at it.
Our office has a disease. And it goes by many names. Sarcasm. Snark. Wisecracks. You take things people care about and you make them feel lame about it with your jokes. Thats what you did with this trip.
You dont like the hats?
They just didnt turn out how I wanted. In my head they were cooler
The world will little note
Andrew... Baines... Bernard.
Andrew Baines Bernard. I love filling these out. Because its like taking a test
What was that?
Hey there. Its a pleasure.
I would love to. But I have to be completely honest with you guys. Were 100 percent staffed up.
Alright.
Alright! The DM Express is pulling out.
We will start here at Erinville.
Reception. Your classic one-man operation.
I was watching a movie and a bunch of apes took over San Francisco. Just saying.
Ill explore exploring it.
Ok uh next stop on the tour sales. Here we go. Station stop Jim Halpert. Oh boy our resident truth teller.   Alright have at it. Let ‘er rip. What do you hate about this place?
Jim?
You know if you joined our sales department you would be working very closely with our department head Mr. Dwight Schrute.
Dwight why dont you tell Susan about some of your hobbies. Survival skills. Ranking of animals.
Oh how am I supposed to pull this off?  . The entire office is being nice to her than theyve ever been to me. What I wouldnt give for one of Phyllis classic room clearing farts right now.
But we already have a surplus of accountants as it is.
Those are fully staffed as well.
Yes.
Let me beat around the bush for a second. Our chairman of the board has some very strong feelings about-
There are lots of considerations.
Alright. Well then welcome aboard.
We get you over to HR and then we get you set up with accounting.   Hang on. Hello?
Hi gam-gam.
Are you taking your med-meds?
We promised wed never say goodbye.
Hey
I am not asking
It would be great if she were gone by lunch. Erin
What is going on?
Okey-dokey
Why would you say that?
Its not that
Lets just say that if you dont want to work here
I dont know.
Yes! The dude is an enigma.
Ah...
Cameras...
It just was one of those things-
Yes?
No games?
Okay. I mean
I am lying. I am a compulsive liar.
No
No
Jim
I think weve got ourselves an answer.
That makes complete sense. Thank you all for a wonderful day.
Uh...
Yep.
Hey
You know
Yeah.
Yeah.
Who knows?
Totally.
Hmm?
Christmas tiiiime is heeeere!   Wow. Thanks guys
Whos excited to get their holiday wishes?
Whats that
It is important to be mindful of all belief systems at our holiday party.
Fulfilled! Brought my bicycle
That
Light side.
As a matter of fact
So
Ugh! Gam-gams name is Ruth
Jessica is my super serious girlfriend
Totally out of your league. So in summation
Well you came to the right place....Ah
Oh
Well
It wasnt either of you.
Sh sh sh sh! Dont look. Who it was is not important...but she did say that your constant pranking and one-upsmanship is driving her crazy. She or he.
Hey! Hey! Respect the hat!
Alright. Im gonna speak in a language you both understand....Mo-nay.
Money....You both have sizable Christmas bonuses coming your way. If I catch either of you messing with the other
You need consequences. OK? I want you both walking on eggshells.
My ex is meeting my s*x....which is always scary
Hey! Jess
Hey everyone! I want you to meet Jessica
Erin
What?
Oh no.
Ut oh
Edgy impressions.
How many drinks have you had tonight? I cant be driving everybody home.
Whoa! Maybe you should take a break.
Jim
What? ...Alright
OK!
Um
Yeah
Yep.   Hey!
Have you had anything to eat besides candy canes?
OK...maybe I should make you some oatmeal or something.
Ah
Thats not what it should be
You you
Hey
I swear...
I was too embarrassed!
Um.
Cici is Jims daughter.
I know who did this....Dwight.
Dwight.
Yeah. He is gonna pay. This is fire-able.
Its
You know those movies where two friends are sleeping together and its like
Do you think two friends who are not sleeping together can stay friends?
No...I dont
By the way
Alright
Christmas miracles do happen.
OK great.
Perfect.
I would
OK
You bet.
Thank god Erins getting a ride home with Robert because she is trashed.   and who better to drive her home than Robert
Lets go
Hang on.
What?
What is all that?
Its junk!
Youre a hoarder. My god!
Ah! My Santa suits stuck.
Sh
Oh my god.
Meredith
Im sure I am not. Lets get you home.
Whoo.
It was a raccoon! Eating a hamburger like a person!
Love letters
Books! Excellent
Shh! Did you hear that? Infinity! There is an infinity of things that you can do with paper! Now
Im talking about you guys! Who in this room
Yes!
Robert said that we needed to double our sales growth to eight percent by the end of the quarter. Thats today. And were eight hundred and thirty dollars short. And I cant afford to keep buying paper from us. So today
Hey C-span. So my dad says an accountant can really help you out
So make that error!
Well
Its just
Oh.
What?
You know what? Go. Have fun.
Theres a trivia contest at a bar in Philadelphia.
I didnt even say what it is.
But heres the best part. The prize is a thousand dollars
Yeah? You like it?
All right.
Im so psyched you guys are into it because I thought- I was like
There is one problem with this plan.
Wed have to leave work
You left us no choice
Ive got a quota to hit. I dont care how I hit it.
Wait
It says that I believe that my staffs intelligence and that Im willing to try anything.   Not anything.
Uh
A-team.
All right
Oh
Jim
Youre my sports guys! Youre ESPN
So the best chance of hitting our mark is now in the hands
Whoo! Yeah!
Go Einsteins!
Oh
Jessica! I love you! Thats a message from my mom.
My parents met Jessica and they completely flipped for her so they gave me this old family ring to use on her. I know
Um
Well
Oh.
Yeah
Hmm? Flicking a bug off my wiener.
No
Hi.
Its great. You know. Reliable. Great mileage.
Well
No. What?
All right
Okay.
In a minute. In a minute.
A minute would be cool.
Hey
Where...  finds pants
No thanks.
Kelly
I cant believe youre wearing it. Are you not superstitious at all?
The ring of a failed marriage might have some sinister energy
You know what
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yay!   Whoa!
I cannot believe youre still up!
Dwight are you okay? Hey
Ooh
Mmm.
Last I checked
Were done. Erin and I are over.
Have at it. Or take it slow. Whatever you guys work out.
Wow.
Yeah. Oh wow. How did you know it was mine?
Duh.
Oh
Honestly Erin
Val
Everybody out.
I cant promise what Im going to do or not do.
Obviously Im going to clean up.
Stress is like the uptight mayor or a town whos saying
Hey! Tuna! Hes back.
Oh
Hand roll.
Come on
Whats up
Dwight
No. Dwight! I have me on the record
Here
Attaboy. Good. Now
Yeah
I feel terrible getting lied to. No ones ever lied to me before.
No
Do you know why you never heard of it?
Covered it up.
They used to call me King Tut because Im so good at keeping things under wraps.
My nickname was actually King Butt
Yeah but who remembers all their customers? I mean
Why? Everybodys heard it.
Hey
Why? Why?
His car broke down. So he called me
Thirty minutes out
Were getting buried out there. What was that stuff about the car breaking down?
Im not Rumpelstiltskin
I dont even know what the truth is anymore.
Uh
Dwight
I know what I said. Jim
Aw! You guys. Hes licking on my finger
Oh!
Wow
Theres cross-hatching in some of these. Thats kind of advanced for a two-year-old.
Hey
Hey
Oh
Dwight
Pam! Ahh! Look what I can do now that shes no longer pregnant.   Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!
Dwight
I think youre going to like it.
Oooh
That...  you got a promotion!   Right? I mean thats not the kinda thing you wanna read quietly at your desk.
No
And heres some facts for you. Did you know frogs can hear with their lungs? And that flamingos can have orgasms that last 30 minutes.
Yeah
Uh yeah
Pin twins! This is a gift from Jessica
You wanna take Darryl
Can I interest you in someone less essential? Like uh a Creed or a Meredith perhaps?
Theyre not expendable exactly
Alright
You have your team.
Mooshie mooshie.
Well uh...well the deliberations were confidential so...I feel like we should respect that.
Guys. Guys. Guys. Come on
I use the word guys a lot when Im nervous...guys.
Guys! Guys! Guys!
Guys..
Dudes...the dudes who are going to Florida were picked by Dwight and me.
Wha-
OK
No. That is a ridiculous waste of time.
Five to six hours?
No no no no.
Nope.
Thirty minutes!
Or both?
Very impressive. He put a lot of work into that.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah
Well...
Erin
Well it wouldnt be hard to find someone to fill in..
Tuns
OK
....Stanley..
...Ryan...
...Erin...
...And
Safe travels.
Oh
Ahh!   Sorry I couldnt resist. Its so quiet.
Its so quiet
Of course
Yes
Oh! There we go! Pam?
Can you get the phone?
Mm
Phones ringing.
Fine. Hello
Yeah
Hey Darryl
Up high.
Dunder Mifflin
Im acting like I like reception and Im a really good actor
Mail call!   His name is Oscar
Yes I am
I found my calling.
Ugh! Fine. Did you see this?
I mean...
Dunder Mifflin
Oh
I miss her too.
Check this out. My brother just got a new sailboat. He has NO idea what he just got himself into. Theres nothing harder than taking care of a boat...am i right?
Okay
Say what?
Say what?
Say-
Tonight were staying late to service the accounts of the people who went on the Florida trip.
...ball droppings can be beautiful. For example
Who is ready for dinner? oh
Additional trivia factoid
Heyyy... lets get back to the food. Brandon
Goat...
Thornwood Wholesalers.
Im pretty sure if Darryl sent Val a text
... yeah...
Thank you.
Kelly
Play it cool
Yeah
Cool-down fiesta begins right now. I got decaf coffee...
I got Romy and Micheles High School Reunion...
Morning
Dont care. Tell me later.
What do you got?
Yes
What?
Heres what happened. Pam and I were arriving for the day. And there was a gang in the parking lot on bikes
They had
I just stepped in to talk some sense into them.
Punches were going
I didnt do anything any of you wouldnt have done.
No.
No
And my eye will heal. But if the police come
Because I have neighborhood Pride. 1-8-5-0-5.
Exactly. We need to feel safe
Right Toby? Will you teach us self defense?
Great.
What if youre being attacked by a ... smallish man who happens to not have a groin?
What if youre being attacked by a 411 man who is penisless?
Why dont we start with the basics? Show us how to defend ourselves against a baby
So in that scenario
Take that
I think you guys might have the wrong Office.
Listen
Oh...
Hey
You know why I got hit by girls? Because I stood up for others. Pam and for Toby.  I stepped in and I didnt care that I was standing up to girls. You may wanna ask yourselves
Tough day. Yes. But I feel good. I put the office in their place
Everyone stop what youre doing
Hes gone
Yeah. That was him on the phone. He sounds wonderful.
How could I have been more clear? He had a massive stroke   of good fortune and he is now in a better place.
I think that Dwight wanted us to realize that this conversation among friends is the true treasure.
Yeah
Now
Would if I could. And I can so I will. Put me down for one box. Dont care what it is
Damn it.
video chat begins
Oh
No.
I dont buy it. It
What?
Yeah
Im just dealing with Erins stuff since apparently shes not coming back. And she didnt bother to tell anyone.
Ryan
You never update it.
Does anyone else think this is weird? And like
Im going to Florida to get Erin.  grabs coat
Hello.
Hey
Okay
...Florida Flu.
Im in Florida to get Erin. As soon as I heard she wasnt coming back to Scranton
Here I am  Signed
Uh
Hm?
Well
All right. Technically
on phone message
Nope. Its just work. Not important. You know
I dont know.   Just let it vibrate. Its fine.
I dont think it does that.
Jim?
I- Im home in bed. Ive been in bed all day. I got the-- I got the serious poops
What do you mean
Okay... Jim
Yeah
--sorry
Well
You broke my heart too.
Im so sorry that we have not loved each other at the same time.

That did not go how I wanted it to. Ugh. I have a whole ton of Erins favorite food for the drive back
Erin!
Okay.
Wait
Like your toothbrush and stuff.
You dont have a toothbrush?
How do you not have a toothbrush?
You just use whichever one is sitting there?
Of course. I own my toothbrush.
Two crazy kids on the journey of life.
On the road with my new girlfriend. But first
Mm-hmm. Its a beautiful place. Great place to let her down easy.
Oh. Hmm.
Time to have a little kiss!
Mm. Sorry. Right. No kisses till the breakup is official.
I believe in that.
I think thats important. That is important. Bummer
Mm-hmm.
...and Jessica
Consider it nailed.
Okay
I just need you to know-
Wow. Theres a lot of cars here. This is just weird.
Hey
I was just on my way back from this business trip
Why is Erin with me? Thats a great question. She is my coworker
Yep. This is Erin.
Yeah. Uh
Itll be fine. Just act natural. Do you want a gummy pen1s?
These are delicious.
Ew! Aww! That seems gross at first blush
Hey.
Oh! Ah
Aww.
Oh
Well
By yon bonnie banks and by yon bonnie braes...
No. I gotta do this. Hey Jessica
Uh
Well
Uh
Whoa! That? No. Okay. You want honesty? Super-honesty time. Im gay.
I am gay
You did not
I like hanging out with you. Youre a cool guy. Which proves my point. That Im gay.
Well
Well... I mean
Understandable. And Im really sorry. I really am.  hugs Jessica
Right? Rough scene.
Oh... at least we can kiss now.
You know
Yeah.
Oh yeah.
I just gotta do one thing.  leaves car
Hi. Super-duper honesty time. Im not gay. In fact
Okay.
Bye guys.
My girlfriends back and theres gonna be trouble-
...my girlfriends back!
Anyway
Hey
Nice sweater.
What happened to old salty?
Okey dokey.
Whoa. Well
I just want to thank you for jumping in and minding the store during my temporary absence.
Anyway
Obviously
Get back to normalcy.
This is what I was trying to tell you.
Okay.
You cant dock my pay-
Great. Five
Angela?
Ooh
Oh
Seriously
I got a little bit of an anger problem. Got me in some trouble a couple years ago.
Youre just saying numbers. Its meaningless.
Its literally like-
Oh
Whoa. No. Are you kidding? You were so sexy. Just the thought of you last night
Yeah. I know its not... a big deal.
You cant call a meeting.   But I would like to have a meeting in the conference room right now! So lets get in the conference room. Thank you. Good. Thank you for coming to my meeting.
Oh! Cant do it cause I gotta run a meeting. So.
Wanted to talk to all of you guys about   importance... and know that each and every one of you is vitally important.
Fine
I had a lot on my mind last night. And I didnt perform. Okay? It happens to plenty of guys. Its usually not followed by a giant workplace discussion and an interview.
Every guy in this room has been touched by this affliction. Tuna? T-dog?
Fascinating.
Okay
Yeah Jim
Dad
Oh
Stop protecting me! Im a man- I can protect myself! This is misdirected anger and Im sorry! I dont mean to lash out at you! Theres a lot coming up right now
You are not the manager. I earned that job. I was personally chosen after Robert was chosen and quit.
Why dont you take a seat
And your stupid face!   And your stupid office!   Ah!
That would actually be cool. Id love for you to meet some of the guys.
No.
Im saying no.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
I cant describe it. I just
Ah- da
I... Got... It.
Yes.
Hey!
What?
guys
Why would that be weird?
Hello! Did anyone order a blast from the past
Oh
Where do I look? Its been so long since I did one of these things? Okay
What havent I been doing? Gosh
The hero lives in this dystopian future and he flies around in a spaceship thats shaped like a treble clef. And he has to sing his heart out to destroy all evil.
Ehh
Bobby! Bobbo! Youre a rock opera guy
You gotta check out this thing Im working on
Evil!   although hes humanized in the end because he weeps uncontrolably and pees in his pants.
Me
Youre being a Thomas Oregon!
Dont need you to pay for me. Im doing just fine
Excuse me. I would like to purchase two seats at another table
then Ill take a table!
And a high five!  Raises hand
Oh
Hey... David Wallace!
Hey
No
No
Yikes!
can you believe this guy?
Not a joke. That was not even a joke.
I will! I will take all of those dogs!
No
No
Okay! Hope you all learned something!
Im so ready to love all of these animals. This ones even bonding with me already.
Stupid dog.
so it just goes on under here like this?
Ugh
I am so great!
This is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me
Youre right. hes right
Yes! And also
Yeah
Yes
Morning.
Somebody left in such a hurry this morning that she forgot... these.
You know the only thing more delicious than your feet is the feast that I am going to prepare for everyone.
Whats this?
Is this Roberts attempt to embarrass me?
Why is it when other people spend all their time at the office
Lot going on guys. Whats happening?
That was a fine branch. Things are really bad under Robert California
Uh
Sorry
Message received loud and clear. Just have to get the caramelized sugar off the pan before it dries.
I forgot
Some bizarre energy in this place today. Robert is going off the rails
Hello. Andy Bernard to see the C.E.O.
No
Seriously? ‘Cause I could just be anyone. I mean
Im a former paper executive. I know the product. I know the margins. I can save you 25% on your costs.
No. Im a rogue.
Which is the best part. That means you will be my first customer and your business will get 100% of my attention. Now...   I have written down my personal phone number. You call this anytime.
Of course they have. Which is why Im giving you a key to my house.   Whatever you need – anytime
Maybe you just want someone to talk to. Maybe... you need a place to crash for a couple of days. My wireless password is eat pray love. Easy to remember.
Yes
You once put me on a list of the losers in the office. Well
Its just business.
Whoa. Well I gave him a chance.  gets out of car
You got a minute?
I wanted to see if I could interest you in an investment. Dunder Mifflin.
Exactly. And you know better than anyone that with the right management it could be worth twice what you would pay for it today.
Hi guys.
Im- Im good
Look
Clean the toilets.
Pull the poop out of the toilets.
Just
Please!
Give me something!
Thank you.
Thank you.
I have a delicious secret.
Yeah
Mmm
This is getting more and more delicious by the minute.  gargles alcohol
Hey Nellie
But its really good-   Oh!
A delicious moment.
Well
I just want you guys not to worry. Cause old Andys gonna be just fine.
No. That is not the deal. Calibrate.
Thats not true either! Thats also total- Everyone
Huh? Hold on.
I just gonna- quick-   Hello? Hey
Im not crazy. I convinced David Wallace to give me my job back.
Okay
I- I- Okay
Stop saying my name.
Thank you
Erin
Yeah
What? Thought I heard my name. What? Im the new manager?
But its- it is- it is me? Right?
What?
Oh my God!
Wow. From janitor to manager?
Thats quite a Cinderella story. From M-O-P to M-V-P.
From total loss to total boss
I was so looking forward to that and it did not... go as I thought it would.
Guess Id better take off these dirty rags. Figure out how to be a manager of this place.
Gosh
Looks like I might get my delicious moment after all.
It would be rude of me not to let you say whatevers on your mind.
No.
Do not bring Shakespeare into this. How dare you play the bard card?
I just want one mother  delicious moment. Is that too much to ask?
If I were to hire you back. If. What do you think you would do well?
All right
Gymnasts? Youre going to seek out uneducated gymnasts?
Mm. Mm-hmm.  they hug
Hey! Wow
Whatre you still doing here?
You know I had this really funny dream during Outward Bound that you died.
See me in my office later. The new guys
In Outward Bound it was all about nicknames. They called me Iceman. You will be called Plop.
Cause youre always taking dumps.
Come on
No
Whoa! Mind blown. Its like father and son! Dwight
Dwight
David
Yeah
Mm
Then forget I just told you that.
Now I know why Michael hated you so much.
I wanted to talk to you about our working relationship this year. Its going to be terrible.
No Im going to make sure that it is. And if it isnt
Now this is called slack lining.
I set up the old slack line to teach the office the skills of focus and discipline. Or in the case of certain individuals
If you make it all the way across
Thats me. The powder is for your protection
All right
Nonsense. Get up here.
Come on. Uh
Ok
Dwight Jr? This looks like your speed.
Yeah
Focus on the horizon.   Whoa! Look at this guy.
Hey
Alright. Let me show you how a real man walks across a flaccid cord.
Ooh! Who ordered the hot apple fail?
Well its official. Old Dwight is lame and New Dwight is cool.
There are two things that I am passionate about. Recycling and revenge.
Bugh
Uh
Im not doing it for you. Im doing it for the preservation of nautical flag signaling.
Clark wants to film you in different outfits inside his apartment?
Clark
Really?
Thank god someone here knows what their talking about. I want you to take this credit card
Awesome.   Plop!
Her body. Were gonna talk about her body.   Good. Great job.
Erin has an audition to be a newscaster.
Uh-huh. And I want her to feel very comfortable in her very sexy skin. So
Yeah
Yeah.
News flash everyone. The human race finds attractive people more trustworthy.
Shes gonna be amazing. Look at her. Shes gonna light up the screen.
I love it. Its fantastic. Now
Pause after news.
No
Pause
Wha
OK. All right. Great. Some great stuff in there.
Yeah.
All right!
Nice.
Wow. You know what they say Erin. If you cant take the heat
He sure did.
Just
No
I dont think we did get it. I could do
All right.
Uh
OK.   Ill call you later.
So this is a single.
Nellie! Get your wrinkly old balls in here.
Executive-summary me. Hit the highlights.
As in...
Wow!
This is super-flattering. Shes the most popular person in America. This is a big day for both of us.
My fellow Americans
Alright! We gotta get rid of all this junk food. Get fit
There he is!
Ahhhthathathathathta. Right now I need canned tuna
Its me!   I am related to Michelle Obama.
I mean
Right?
Darryl said
Whats going on here? Im related to the first lady
Why? Is it employees day or something? I cannot keep track of these BS holidays.
Does anyone else think its possible that I come from slave owners?
Hey mom
Great. Ooo! Spreadsheets! Yum
Huh huh huh. Look
Right on
. Heyyy
So
Not my slaves
That youre learning a made-up language from HBOs Game of Thrones? I have a lot going on today...but this was a great nerd-out!
Hi guys.
Yeah. You dont have to ask me.
Ha ha! Okay. Great. Very funny. I get it. Just because my ancestors happen to be— . Very funny
Ive done a little genealogy research of my own. Turn out Im not the only one with a few skeletons in the ol family closet. For example
Kevin is related to both John Wayne Gacy and John Wayne Bobbitt.
No. Not that I see here.
You mean Dwayne? And no. What about Jim Halpert? Uh oh! Turns out
Dwights grandfather was a— .
I was gonna say he was a tax evader.
And Meredith is a blood relative of Lizzie Borden.
No
Mightve done. And how... do you figure?
You know
We merely transported them. Which at worst
Yo
Exactly. Help me po mouth
What if I said that my dad beat me. And
You now
Okay.
I like that guy. We should hook him up with Meredith.
Alright everybody
Andy Bernard presents: Summer Softball Epic Fails!  Kevin swings bat on screen
Fail.
A blooper reel? What is this
Do do do do do do do.
Cant take the fail? Get out of the fail video!
Id like to take a solemn moment to remember Jerry in the warehouse who passed away this year.  Screen flashes FAIL over Jerrys face
Well
Oh that wasnt...that didnt work. That was not the right..
That was not a fail.
That was actually a serious accident that could have resulted in severe bodily harm.   Youre all failing right now.   Congratulations on your epic fail of the use of the word fail!
Um
I was just asking a question
Fine. I will give you one minute.
You have one minute and your minute has begun and no time will be added at the end
A baby what? A human?!
Oh.
Oh
And I happen to notice youre down to about thirty seconds here.
And those sand grains are tumbling..
With fury...
Down the sides..
Of the hourglass..
Times up!
Sure. Ill read her letter. And if she tells the truth about how evil and unfit to be a mother she is
Ladies and gentlemen
Whoa!
Yo. Dudeces.
Alright! The fat people have spoken! Dwight
Dunder Mifflin road trip twenty twelve!   Ah OK
Banana cream is the first to go. Well be lucky to get pumpkin at this point!
Who is it?
Yeah. Perfect time. Im right in the middle of a rooftop crisis.   Fine
Its inaccurate
Heres the thing
British women. Famously overemotional. Am I right?
What?
I changed my mind.
Yeah. Not as is
My name is Andy!
I dont do drugs!
Now check the style!
Of Flatt & Scruggs!
A jitterbug.   You guys look great! Just a reminder. The party is right after lunch
Not a question.
Excellent. That reminds me
Oh
Aaah!   So good!
My Cornell a capella group.
Yah! ah. Okay. Ha ha ha ha. But you have no idea how lucky you are because HCT is doing a set at our halloween party.
Atta boy Clark!
No. Nope. Nope nope nope. Stay away.
You know what I just realized? They might actually call me up to solo on George Michaels Faith. That was one of my signature songs. Oh
Ruh duh duh da dudes! Whats up?
I know that its pathetic to re-live your college years
You didnt come here to sit in a room
No
You dont have any-- Any questions about the old days?   You at least want to know why they call me Boner Champ?
Im sorry
Broccoli Rob was Broccoli Rob. Andy Bernard is the Boner Champ.
I was just talking to some of the actives
Did you maybe tell them that or...?
Could you just call them and tell them the truth? Cause I know its really stupid
Love you too.
Yo! Bad boys of a capella.
Heard any good stories lately? Or new twists on old stories?
Did he tell you how I got the name?
Spring sing ‘95. Got completely ripped on Bud Dries. I had s*x with a snowman. I just went at that thing. Cold would have stopped most people but I stayed locked in
They didnt know about the snowman story
Right?
Ladies and gentlemen
Oh Man!
No. Do not sing that. Do not... Oh man...
Whoa! Whoa! What the hell is Broccoli Rob doing here?
Thats my signature song.
Russell
Wha...?
Shut up
You thought I wanted to sit in the audience like some slutty Treb rat? A mans signature solo is his for life
Just dont do the song anymore.
Fine
I knew you would go there
OK
Doesnt mean youre the best singer ever. Dick.
This is all so silly right? What am I gonna do? Move back to Cornell?
I mean
Duh. I know. That would be insane.
It could totally work though. I dont know why we wouldnt. Oh my god are we doing this?
If I am not Boner Champ
Make a donation.
Yes. I am gonna make a donation. And it just so happens that I know someone who works at the Bernard Family Foundation. Her name is mom.
Mom
My parents are broke.
Alright
White
Are the Nards hurting? Yeah
Yeah. Hes in rehab actually.
No
Were done Meredith.
Alright
Totally
Alright
Guys
Alright
Yes the boat means everything to my family
Uh
Ok.   thanks.
Look
All I ever wanted to do was sail the damn thing. But dad wouldnt let me. Said You cant be a skipper until youre a man. You know
Tonight.
Yeah right. Its in Stamford
Yeah
Seriously?
Alright.
Lets do it.
Thats the family boat!
Right?
Sorry?
Sure
Ok.
Geez
It raises the main sail. That was my job when we went sailing.
Really?
Up she goes!
Oh
You got it. You know what then
You know what? Chill
Ok
Yeah
Good stuff. Nice stuff.  begins raising sail again when guy leaves
Ive had a thousand picnics on this boat. The point was for me to sail it.
Fine. But I could have.
I am the captain.
Right?
Im the captain.   Hey
Im taking it over from here.
Yeah
Fine. Good. Keep it. Just leave the supplies
Yeah. Yeah I know how to hoist the mail sail
I thought you were in rehab.
I didnt. I
Same thing.   Come on. I need a crew. You should be my crew. Three weeks
Alright guys
Good? Come on. Above and beyond. Worlds Greatest. You did this! Dammit Im happy!
Ill see you in three weeks!
No way!
Erin I gotta go!  Thems my chords!
Ah
That Swayze sure can dance dirty.
No
Check this out. Keeps my hair out of my stare
What else can I show you? Oh
Yeah
Ah! Thats not good. I better sign off. I hate to get going. I mean these skype sessions are
I will leave you with this. The image of a man and his boat. Burn this into your brains.
No. No! Nooo!
in his office doorway
Well
I guess I can cancel my order from Zappos.com because
Hey! Sweetheart!   I have missed you so much.
I have been dreaming of this moment.
Well
Obviously
I have no idea. I dont know what he knows or doesnt know. But weve been in touch the whole time. I mean
Question. Wheres Jim?
For two hours? Really?
If the shoe fits.  plays güiro and sings
I noticed that you landed the Scranton White Pages account. That is tremendous.
And you sold it to Jan too.
I mean... Im impressed.
Well
I was...
That...
OK. The issue is that you need to run this stuff by me. Coolio? Are we coolio?   Just say the word coolio.
Say it.
Coolio.
Just gonna call the Scranton White Pages and clear this right up.
Hey
I was just looking over the paperwork. I found a little hiccup.
Yeah. It appears my employee offered you a price that he was not authorized to.
No. No
It
Jan
Well
Aw! That was not how I had hoped that would go.
Hey
All right. Thank you very much.   Looking good.   Whos that little fella?
Wow
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh...   Uh-huh.   Thank you. Great. Well
appears approaching group
I need you guys to tell me all the highlights from the last three months in case David asks. Just a few things I could sprinkle into conversation. Any big sales or office gossip.
Not helpful. Lets stay positive
Hey! David! How are ya? Ah
Thank you.
Great!
We had to let a warehouse guy go?!
What?!
There was a fire in the warehouse?
This is what Im talking about! This would be good to know. All right
What?!
No kidding?
Wow. Go Kathy. Shes like 50.
Good
Who knew the balloon game would be so lucrative? And thank god
The warehouse fire. Werent you just down there? Its like burnt to ashes.
I am speaking metaphorically
I think youll agree I explained that pretty well.
Thank you.
Yeah
Yeah
What?
OK
On your side. But theres tons on my side. Its gushing. Were just out of sync right now. But thats just timing
I mean
Im gonna be a prune in like
I know you may not be feeling love for me right now but
Yes.   Come on. Totally.
I resent that. I
And all was good in Scranton PA that day.
Oscar says hi all the time. He says all kinds of greetings. Hi Hello Hola Youre telling me youve never heard Oscar say hi?
But youre calling me a liar.
By the way
Oh
This has been a really tough time.
Yeah.
Erin just dumped me and I cant remember any of the aha moments I had on the boat
It was like a security blan-
-ket
Youre not?
Thats awesome.
David
Crystal.
Vanilla.   Vanilla Ice. It was a band.
Good morning.
And how are you on this fine-  chokes up
Ok
Ahhh! Oooooh! ahh
Where are you going?
Wha? Oh
Im still the boss!
The answer is yes.
Are they from you?
Well then
Nope
I dont want to talk about work right now.
Then I want my big blue sweater back.
She got rid of it. My blue sweater. What is that about?
Stay! We are in the bro-zone layer. Ok? Nard dog
Survey says: ENH! Doesnt make me feel better at all. Zero Clark Thirty
Last night I ordered a pizza by myself and I ate it over the sink like a rat.
No.
May not seem like it
Why doesnt Erin seem sad? Has she found someone new or something? And if so
Im not snooping
Uh
Everyone please
Oh my god.
Darryl
Too late. I found out shes been texting a guy named Pete. Does anybody know a Pete?
Come on in. Have a seat. Uh
I knew it!
You and Erin are fuhhhhhhherraaaaa!
No overlap? Great. Good. Wow. This is suddenly so easy. Guess what? Youre fired!
Yeah. You. Are. Fired! One of the perks of being boss. I can fire anyone who steals my girlfriend. And wow
..The camera dont lie!
Youre being an idiot get..
Out of my office
Because you suck.
And youre fired...
So you had a bad day...
Rut ti doh doh...
Rut tit doh doh...
Rut ti doh doo doh
No.
Nellie was a professional grudge. This is a purely personal grudge.
They already have a contract?   Mutually agree to- Ah
Well
Ok
Thank you! Thanks
Ugh.
That doesnt matter. Ok? What matters is that I am hurt! Deep hurt inside of me. I dont care if theyre Romeo and freaking Juliet! I feel like the guy that Juliet dated before Romeo. Probably her boss. And guess what? Juliets boss also had feelings.
What?!
Sorry.
My whole life is a booger bubble!
Kinda painful to chat with you Pete. Ever since the old one-two punch to my scrotum pole. Translation: pen1s. Translation? My manhood.
Great advice. Thank you
Awesome perspective. Thanks for butting in.
Yeah
Hi.
Hi
Wow this sure is intense. Having to share a workspace with someone you used to get it on with?
Awkward.
Really uncomfortable situation.
Its alright Pete
Hey
Thank you all for coming in. Just wanted to check in. How is everyones day?
Really? Hmm. Thats interesting. Because Erin and Pete thought it wouldnt be weird at all. Why do you think it was weird
And Alice
Well get to that. Gabe
Alright
Wow
exits office
Last night? Oh
Im not
Yeah. I didnt see you last night at all.
What?
Whoa
Well there you go. Thats muy caliente.
Excuse me
You can have this back at the end of the day.  cut to Andy listening to the iPod and looking aroused
Guys
Of course there are!
People
Oh! Seven new comments. The guy at 0:19 is hawt!   Hi Bongripper
Hey! TexasPoonTappa and JasonJasonJason and all the rest of you haters out there! Check this out.  plays banjo
Huh? Yeah
Red alert! Red alert! The reviews are in! I repeat
I just got a text from my brother. Scranton Times Tribune.com. Theres a review of the documentary!
I dont know
I think we should.
Its okay.   The hell does he know?
I want you to print that out for me.
Now that this documentary is coming out
Hello
Yeah
I hate people! Why do they never do what you need them to do? Stanley has to go. Thats final.
Yes! Im sorry Im being curt
Directory? Movie Star department. Back. Directory.
Huh
Yeah
Come on!
Carla Fern is not just an actors agent. She does writers
Actor?
Yeah
Does anything go on top of the mouse?
Aw
Whats the mouses name?
Well
At the risk of sounding arrogant
My exact age is 28 to 34
: Yes. And yes.
Whereas that is not why I have entered show business
Well
You are? Yes! Yes. Are you being for real right now? Oh
Most talent agents take 10% of whatever jobs they get you
It doesnt include headshots.
Well
Be careful of that beaker
Well Im just trying to bring some life to it.
Last week I got an agent and uh
Go away
Oh yeah. Alright
Yeah
And remember: Do not attempt to extinguish a chemical fire with water. You will only exacerbate the flame. The dangerous flame.
W-w-w-wait. Stop stop stop. Dont go anywhere. I just need to find more colors. Lets do it six more times.
Heads up everyone. If you really need something from me today
Yeah.
Who is Carla Fern? Well
Little raw. Not cool Oscar.
Not cool.
No. Hes- I mean
Thats the cleaky clacker! He clicks that and then the guy says action.
I guess its starting. Um
Got it.  lowers head to show hair
Sorry.
This video is to demonstrate the HPRDC chemical handling protocols. These protocols could save you from severe injury
Just made a character choice to be a scientist who really likes what he does and enjoys his job.
So how do you want
This video is to demonstrate the HPRDC chemical handling protocols.
Its Tom Brokaw
Tom Brokaw!
Which is insanely painful.
And Ive already picked a few childhood memories to tap in to
So I just lean over this thing and then youll add the water special effect later?
Im not comfortable doing my own stunts. Ill get nude if you want me to
Darryl
They want me to use real water in the eye wash scene.
I cant squirt stuff in my eyeball. Ive never even used an eye dropper.
Carla! Carla!
She yelled at me. I cant wash my eyeball. I cant do that. I cant.
Do you believe in me?
AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH!!
I can do a better one.
I said I can do a better one. Darryl...
AHH! AHH! AHH!
Yeah! Yeah.
Hey. Which tie makes me look like a guy who likes sofas? My agents putting me up for a furniture commercial.
Totally
Thin-sliced tuna. Carpaccio. Go on.
Tell me about it
David Walrus
Yeah.
Im gonna stop you right there. David
Every minute that I spend here is time not spent making audition videos for reality dating
At my last head shot sitting
Well
Thank you
Nope. I have made up my mind. Im really sorry.
Thank you. Not gonna need it.
Everyone
I wasnt fired. What are you talking about? Im fired up
Yeah
Im 38
All right. I get it.
The male is a funny species. We dont just tell each other how we feel
Im gonna miss you too. Mmm!
Its now or never.
Yeah
Well
Nah. I like my plan better.
What?
Well
Big day for you.
Love the belt.
You know
Thank you
No
Nothing is impossible to him who will try.   Alexander the Great
Im gonna make it. Every person that has been on Conan has a crazy story about how they made it. Every person.
Erin. Honest Erin
Will you tell me bluntly
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hey
Okay.
Death of a salesman.
Sure
Got any hot leads?
Brava
How did I just abandon my dreams so quickly? Its cause I had a fallback. Thats the problem. When you have fallbacks
Everyone! Changed my mind again.
Uh
All in! Whoo!
Toby! Hey
Yeah
Seriously?
Come on
All right
God
This is your—you brought this on.
Okay
David. I lost the Scranton White Pages account. Do you have any idea how much paper that is? And Id just like to point out
What if I told you that I hate you and I hate this company?
Just stop forgiving me
Eleanor Roosevelt once said ‘the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.   I think shes right.   I feel calm now.   I feel
Yeah.
Uh
Wow. Angela. What we had was great
But I just—its in the past. And I feel like we shouldnt...
Rehash—
Exactly.
Thanks
A-bridge
Tuna
Hello
Yes!
Well
This is really huge. This is like the March on Washington but for a singing show. Can you imagine if Martin Luther King were here? And sang I Dreamed a Dream from Les Mis? With that baritone? That would be historic.
No!
No
Casey Dean!
Yeah.
Andy. Whats yours?
Hmm? Um
A cappella is all about pitch
Theres a mole?
What mole? What are you talking about? I already forgot about it.
Yeah! Pour some Sugar Ray on me!
I dont know where it came from.
Yeah. Yeah
I did
Great
What?
Is this a show about the resiliency of the human spirit? Or is it a show about singing?
Me too. Hold my place in line.
They want feel-good stories? Wait until they get a good feel of me.
Hey
No
No
Oh
Yeah
Whoa
Whoa
I am going in there! Dont—
Dont—dont—
Dont touch me.
Hi. Youre still here. Oh
Sweetheart
Busted. Yes
Nope! Cant end like this. Slept in my car last night
Thats—thats what—yeah. Okay
Are you insane? Its the Cornell fight song.
You didnt let me finish. Thats not fair.
Wow
Hey
Oh I can so just sit here and cry!
One more for the doc.
Oh. Eh
Yeah
Oh
Two million hits in the first week and then the parodies started. One from the Philippines got 12 million hits. And the late night comedy guys had a field day with it.
After my clip blew up
Hey-OH!
Yeah.
Thank you. Yeah
Hey! Aw! A bear hug from my favorite mama grizzly.
A little warm.
Okay. Aw. Thank you Phyllis.
Hey!
Didnt I just see you at the airport jumping in a limo?
Hmm.
No I didnt change the number. All good though. Phone never rings.
Surprise!
Hey! Pam!
Mm-hmm.
Aw!
Jim
Yeah
Thats how I got my new job in the admissions office.
No. Its a job. Things are going great.
Yes.
Im sorry guys. This is probably on me. I got hated on pretty hard when that auto-tune went viral.
Ill go talk to the manager. Maybe we should just go home.
Ree-De-De-De-Doo!
Its only 6:00. Come on
Youre probably sitting there wondering what will be your mark. What will you be known for? It might surprise you to learn...
You might feel sorry for me but I actually feel sorry for you. Because youre about to leave Cornell. So say it with me:  : Oh
Thanks Dad...Darryl.
I spent so much of my time here at Dunder Mifflin thinking about my old pals
Jims nice enough. I dont... I dont know how well hes fitting in here. Hes always looking at the camera like this.   What is that?
Yeah.
Scared?
Call of Duty!
Look how cute he is! Hes trying to shoot with a smoke grenade.
Im sorry nothing
Just tap S then D.
Any... last words? No?
throws some desk material in the air to signify debris from the grenade explosion
Um
Dammit.
Uh
But dont worry about it. My snack food doesnt fall under the umbrella of your authority.
Okay
I am NOT a quitter. I will do this all day if you want.
Yeah
Oh
Mm.
Yeah
Six?
Im calling a supermarket in Montreal.
Bonjour. Je cherche des tchips de la marque Herrs. Non? Ah... merci quand meme. Au revoir.
Thanks.
Whered you find them?
Hey.
My chair is squeaking.
You took my chair.
When you get up
Thats it? Thats what you came up with?
Really?

stop.
This is not fair
This is not a proportionate response.
Nice basket.
Oh. Did you shake it?
Thanks.
Got it.
Ooh.
Andy
Oh
Its not good.
Goodnight
Hey dummy
Yes
Yeah
Sure. Heres your bag. Just dont puke on anything. You okay?
Good.
Hey.
Who are you faxing so early in the morning?
Hey
What you gonna do?
You know
Yeah
Yeah
Okay
Yeah
This is going to be an adventure.
Right on.   Hey is that Joshs computer?
Hi.
Karen. I love your sweater.
Really? Thats so cool. Ive always wanted to learn...
...to knit.
Uh wait
This is Karen Filippelli. Please leave a message.
This is Karen Filippelli. Please leave a message.
Dis is Kar-en Fill-uh-pel-li. Please leava me da message. A bon danza.
Mm-hm.
Karen Filippelli.
Uh
Must be an... air freshener plugged in somewhere. It smells like a funeral home.
Oh
I... I... I
Its just my crazy nose. Im... uh
Whos Bob Vance?
Shouldnt we be equals?
Does Bob Vance work for Vance Refrigeration?
How are we going to get home?
Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration.
Im at the grocery store buying a corkscrew to give myself a lobotomy.
Oh my god! Hey! You want to meet at Coopers in an hour? I need a drink.
Yeah.
Ok.
Hey.
...Almost done?
Hey I got one.
Jesus.
You cant give paperclips to a baby. He could swallow.
Hey.
What is going on?
I love it. I want in. Whos the target?
Perfect. What do I do? Just give me an assignment.
Demen-Dementors like in Harry Potter?
Uh
Ok ... um
A Christmas drinking game ...
What?
Youre kidding.
Yeah
Does anyone ever stand up to Angela or..?
Right.
Oh cool
Oh
Yeah
Whats your funding?
Umm
Oh
And then theres a way more fun party that starts at two forty-five.
I think thats a really good option...
Hes cute. You should date him.
Yup.
All right Stanley. Woo.
Lots of it!
Are we taking this too far? You know what
Hey
Oh
Oh
Dwight
Open it! Open it ! Open it!
Do you like it?
Well the Committee to Plan Parties has served its purpose. Were gonna disband. In the name of Christmas.
Angela
Yeah
OK.
No way.
And now we get to remember it forever.
Thank you.
Yeah
Dwight
Nope.
I still havent found an apartment yet. Im living in a hotel. Yesterday
What are the ingredients of poi?
You sure?
I think I owe you one.
For talking sense into Halpert. The Days Inn room 228 was starting to get really depressing.
Yeah
Oh
Wait
Lets go get a broom.
Why are we turning in here
Yeah
Thanks. That was fun.
Thank you.
Thats nice.
Hey
Yeah.
You ready Jim?
So
Did you ever have a thing for Pam?
I moved here from Connecticut...
Kay.
What happened on your sales call?
Hey.
Yeah
Look
Do you still have feelings for her?
I guess Jim and I have had a little bit of a rough patch for the past couple weeks but we had some really good talks and actually now I think that were better than ever.
Karen Fillipelli. Jims girlfriend.
Yep.
Thats rude.
Mr. Franklin?
Do you have a girlfriend?
Ben Franklin tied a cherry stem with his mouth!
So I guess you have the Ben Franklin wig and the costume and you figure
Hey um
Well that you kissed. And we talked it through and its totally fine
Really?
Okay.
So um
What are you sorry about?
What are you sorry about?
A toaster.
Yeah. P and R?
Ah
Every little thing she does is magic. Every little thing she do just turns me on. Even though my life before was tragic. Now I know my love for her goes on. Every...
Oh my God!
Oh
But Jim
Hey Jim
What glare?
Im the only one left. Everyone else was either fired or quit. And there is one in Anger Management.
Rachel
Hey
Thats Drake. And just so you know
And it didnt end well.
Well
Really? I thought it was so obvious. Im glad it didnt make you uncomfortable.
Ok. Oh
I so got you.
Of course not. I mean
Oh my God
Hey Jan.
So do you want to see it or not?
Oh my God
Yeah.
Yeah! You would rather sit on your couch and watch a Phillies game
Bye. Ok
...and were gonna go to dinner.
And then were gonna go to the movies.

Hey
I feel great
Well
Um
And hes a big dude
When I heard Jim and Pam had kissed
Maybe you just feel guilty about all the pranks.
Hmm... I dont know. Maybe you should go back out there and sell paper so we can go on a trip.
Fifty-one.
Its a strategy!
Thank you.
I dont know this place as well as I thought I did. Im getting cleaned out.
Actually I think you could make the argument that it wastes time.
Hey
No.
Im good. Thanks.
Hey
Dwight
Look
What youre saying is extremely misogynistic.
Im saying that youre being sexist.
That - its the same thing.
Can we just get back to work?
Frankly
Its a pretty common one.
That is not healthy behavior.
OK
Look
Phyllis. What do you think? Too much?
Answer it.
OK
Hole?
Oh my God! You ass!
Get em big boy!
Cmon
Hello? Yeah
As well.
Yes. uh
That would be fine.
Cut it out!
Hey.
Its okay
Oh. Okay.
Pam is... kind of a bitch.
Hey

Heh.
Wait
Oh.
Cause of Jan again?
Hey
Thanks.
Thanks.
Do you want to get back together with her?
Do it.
Oh my God. Can you believe that?
Wow!
I know!
All right
Hey
Oh
No
Cause Im going to get the job.
So we have all night. Where do you want to go first?
How often do you come here?
I think youll really enjoy this
That wasnt him.  Jim nods
So whats going to happen to us when I get this job?
Well
Exactly. But you get it
Uh
So
Yeah?
Hes a very nice man. And hes very well suited for the job he has now.
He would be disaster.
Wow. That was some serious... hardcore... self destruction.
Dont! Shes nuts!
Okay
Just call me when youre done.
Good luck
Yeah.
Thanks Ro. Hey
I am the regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin Utica branch. Turns out its a pretty easy gig when your boss isnt an idiot and your boyfriends not in love with somebody else.
Look
Look
Hello?
Michael...
Listen
Im-
You called me.
Im pretty sure his familys coming with him.
Tobys not a salesperson.
Oooh. Good-bye Michael.
Jim?
Uh
What are you doing here?
I cried for weeks over that guy
Let me ask you
Im taking Stanley.
Jim
So youre still doing this kind of stuff
If you wanted to see me

Oh
Traffic
Hey. Hi
What!
Of course not!
Lets just get this over with
Not gonna have to do that
But now we think youre a liar.
Uh
Okay. All right everyone
Can I please see you in my office
No thats
You know
Uh
Thank you. It just all happened so fast.
Yes
His name is Dan
Yeah
Oh
So
Thats so great. Thats great.
Oh
Hows Jim?
Oh my God
Ever banged an entire bachelorette party
Why are you singling my line out
All right.
Thanks. I appreciate it
All right
No
Ill see you soon.
Wow
No problem.
So you cant pay for your food?
You did not. You have no money. And you dined so much.
Mr. Chu!
You were trying to steal food from us?
You cant. Well stop you.
He just left.
I think he was heading downtown.
All right
Sir
Im sorry
Okay
Morning
Actually
Say
That is so true. Ready?
Great.
Are we early?
Hey
Do you guys work together?
Oh
Well
See
Freedom fries for the table.
Yeah. I mean
Yeah. Next time bring some of your illustrations
Yeah.
Okay.
Its nice to meet you
Alright
Dunder Mifflin is still a strong company. We are poised to come through this more streamlined and profitable than ever.
The shareholders need to empower our leadership -
... and were confident. There are many things to be optimistic about in Dunder Mifflins future and one of them is here with us today. Michael Scott
In these uncertain times
Quiet! Quiet
Ok. Were gonna take a 15 minute break and then were gonna answer more questions.
You were supposed to wave.
Who cares?
The gentleman in the
Thank you. Thank you for your suggestions.
Yeah. Yes
Attention Scranton Business Park
We do.
And we have 18 different toppings. We have sweet glaze
The Works. You got it.
Bye
Karen
Yeah
Gardner.
Thanks.
Uh... this is difficult
No. I mean I cant physically. I cant get on the table.

No
All right. All right. Stop. Put me down.
Let me go!
Put me down right...
Put me down!
Put me down right now!
IVE HAD ENOUGH!
PUT ME DOWN RIGHT NOW or else!
Im sorry!
Its just not going to work for me.
I have to go.
I was on the fence about this and... its just not a good fit.
I cant work here. I have to quit.
No. Toby was helpful. He was very kind. Its just your management style.
No. Was it supposed to be funny?
Excuse me?
But theres nothing in my desk except coupons.
Its all vegetarian.
Mimosa?
Would you like me to take your peel?
Kelly Zach Braff
Stop it right now. Ryan is a temporary worker
Hes a perfect match.
She is very fair.
So youre saving money...
...to start a family and home.
Yes.
How long have you been married to the cheerleader?
Is there anything you wanted to ask us tonight?
Is it? Hes really outgoing
Theres more than one answer to these questions pointing me in a crooked line
the less I seek my source...
the closer I am to fi-i-i-ne. The closer I am to..
fi-i-i-ine!
When you become close with someone
Customer service might be monitoring this conversation.
Excuse me
Can you tell us why you are shutting down Scranton and putting 15 people out of work?
Absolutely
Alright.
Hello?
My bags mostly pencils.
No.
Take a picture. Itll last longer.
Look whats on his computer.
Its my left breast.
Tony was right. This environment is dysfunctional.
For crying out loud.
When do people work?
He.
Thats his favorite color.
Thank youuu.
Uh
Shh!
Why would I be disappointed?
These nuts are really hard to crack.
...which is why they need a passing game.
Oh! Thanks.
Hey! Why doesnt your car have a flat tire?
Whats up with this guy?
Is he always like this?
Good. Getting settled
So... you all wanna know what I was in for?
Um
Not terrible. Boring. We do the same thing every day. But... at least we got outdoors time.
Two hours
Not good. Uh... a little bit bigger than Michaels office... but
Yeap. Yeah.
They did
Yeah
Actually
Yeah
...thank you James.
in the Electric City!
Yeah! Gainer! Woohoo!
look down
Dont hurt me! Baby
Whoa-oh-oh-oh! Whoa-oh-oh...
walking across cars in parking lot
What can I get for ya?
OK.
We dont serve food here.
Thats fine.
Have you decided?
Okay then. And for you sir?
The... what?
I dont really know what that is.
I dont really think that we have that.
Okay.
Sorry
No
Actually
I think hed know.
I dont know.
I... dont know
That rocks.
Thanks! I
Is he the hot one or the giant baby?
I thought I could have it.
You know where I am.
Oh.
Hey.
Hey. This party blows
Cool...
I... Were just gonna take off.
No... I have school.
Merry Christmas.
Do I agree about what?
Whatre you talking about?
And if you want love
Your body is a wonderland.
Something bout the way your hair falls in your face...
Ohhhhhh D!   Ohhhh D!
SlumDunder Mifflinaire!
in the Electric City!
Healthcare Provider!
Spot. Spot. Spot. Spot. Spot.
for the tasty bread.
Take out my Suck It and well suck it.
Five
Three
Yes!
I come home in the middle of the night. My mother says when you gonna live your life right? Oh Mother dear
Hi
I am Harvey
Pam
Me so horny. Me love you long tim.
Long time. Me lobe yoy long time.
You ruined a funny joke
Boobs.
Yep.
Uh
Okay. Well take it.
We wanna buy your house.
Oh
Hey Pam.
Whats up
Thanks man.
Where?
YES!
Damn jet skis!
No
All of it.
I knew it!
You invited me to go shopping with you.
Get lost!
Youre disgusting!
Yeah get out of here.
Hey bro
Stanley Hudson.
Great
Hello
Well
Okay.   Wow
Its your wife? You better take it.
No problem. Hey Jim
Youre Kareem
And it went like this.
Thats it.
Yeah
Please keep holding
Hi
Hi
This is MasterCard. You are over the limit. Send the minimum payment of $448 by Monday
Hi
This is Annie from second nests. Im sorry
You sell those two printers this morning? Nice work.
Love that Andy
Oh
Okay.
Good morning.
How much for the slip and slide?
Forgive me for interrupting. I believe my daughter had an altercation with somebody here
What about the lady you hit with the pine cone?
Apologize.
You know what? Tiffys going to college.
God bless. Friend of mine uses your paper. You do good work. Bye bye.
Really comin down out there. Commutes gonna be hell.
So um
What kind of company is that?
I never heard of em.
You gonna be like that
I dont like him
Oh
Thats right
Thanks. Well
Hold the door please!
Thank you.
Hello!
What?
Thank you for that introduction
Knickers in fact
Well
Ah. Im here to teach you a little bit about my life and the era of the founding fathers.
It was a warm June evening in 1752
Yes?
I have a lovely wife
Uh
Well
Well
You know I invented electricity.
Well Im sensing a little electricity right here.
Yes
You know Michael
But I kept all this from my wife Deborah. These things only serve to upset the women. They are the gentler s*x.
Chocolate! Where did you acquire it? That is a delicacy in the Amazon but it has not yet been imported to the United States.
Joseph the 2nd.
Fredrick Wilhelm the 3rd.
Why the tyrant King George
Both. Thats why I invented the bifocal.
Hey.
Im Elizabeth
Im the stripper.
Hi guys!
I hear theres an important meeting here.
Hit it.   So wheres the groom?
Just sit on down.
Alright.
Here we go.
Yeah!
Mmm
I bet shed be jealous.
You want me to answer phones with my clothes on.
Oh I love your poster.
Secrets
Oh my God
You could strip you know.
Hello Michael.
Yeah.
Great.
And do you
And do you
... take Phyllis to be your lawfully wedded wife
You may now kiss the bride.
Who?
Oh
Okay
Oh!
Phyllis and you will be great together.
The Celtics were a great team.
Nobody ever helped me. I had to do it myself. Even the doctor didnt know!
Phyllis
Cheers.
She is.
....Dude.
Sir
By your own employees calculation youll be obsolete in the next five to ten years.
But theres five Goliaths
But in the big picture...
What do you say to a customer who wants to leave you for the convenience and savings of a nationwide chain?
Has anyone ever come back?
But how can you compete against a company with the resources of a nationwide chain?
How far has your Herfindahl index declined since the merger?
...What?
Oh.
Oh.
Maybe one day.
Mmm.
We werent invited?
Its actually really good.
I was his babysitter.
E-mail?
Im gonna get going.
I have a question about discounts from distributors.
So what?
Excuse me. Sorry to bother you. Are you a mechanic?
My battery is dead
Thank you so much
What?!?
What was this? Youre out of it.
I didnt get one.
Is it just the one jug of apple cider?  Pam shrugs
Get out!
Can I take your picture?
We just need a picture of the top of your head in case we burn some of your hair off.
No
Oh
Thanks for coming.
Wonderful
Hello Michael.
Excuse me.
Can I get anyone anything
Thank you.
Ill show you around.
Uh
Oh. I must get that. Youll have to excuse me.
Uh
Did you get a chance to try Michaels homemade potato salad?
Wheres my angel.
No

They do.
oh
I dont know! I dont know.
Whats happening?
No.
Oh
Im sorry
Hey it seemed like a big hit.
Really?
The animation was cool.
Hey listen
There you go.
Its for you. From them.
College baseball is on.
Whats it about?
How many people want the game?   Who wants PBS?   Sorry. Tie means I do nothing.
All right.
Hey Creed.
Youre the man buddy.
I dont know
I dont know.
Hey guys
You got it
Uh
I think shes comin in... later.
Sure.
Okay.
Bye.
Oh
It would be the worst thing in the world! It would! Very much so.
No time to sew a quilt. ... I got it. Give me the number for the Giant Big Box Toy Store.
Really?
Aach.
Yeah
Nnyeah. What ya gonna do?
Ughh! For the love of God were trying to help you... stupid bag.
Whatever calms you down.
Ok.
What?
Hi
Scranton Times. Chad Lite
And obits.
Oh...
Uh
Everything.
Andy?
Oh... yeah...
This is weird. I... gotta go to Spanish.
Hello
Well it isnt ended. Im... Im very angry. I--- I could have lost business.
I dont accept your apology. The watermark was obscene and horrifying.
I dont accept.
Well
I dont care! It was disgusting. Cartoon characters having s*x?
I
Youre the head---
Youre the head of the company!
Yes
And so you should lose your job!
Fine.
Mm-hmm.
Im calling the Better Business Bureau.
Ill be with you in a moment.
The issue with the watermark is very serious.
We teach our students that character counts.
But---
Three. Two. One.
One. Two. Three! Go! Do it! Go
One
Wow. Go

Flintstones
Call her! Call her!
Michael Scott!
Okay...
WHAT?
Ooooh!
Whoa!

Stop it!
Dunder Mifflin!
Fail! Fail! Fail!...
Shabooyah
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Role Call! Shabooyah
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Role call! Shabooyah
Next stop pies!
No!
Pies!
Pies!
Pie! Pie! Pie! Pie!
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Ugh. Ew.
No!
No!
Oh!
Whoa.
Oh!
phone rings
You have a call from Eddie Murphy.
Pam
Hi
Yes
Actually
But
Yeah
Hes ready for you.
Oh
Ooh. Im glad youre on our team. Here
This must be very frustrating.
Well
Oh
Okay
Hes really not that busy.
Yes
You know generally its not a good idea to click on offers that you havent requested. What was the exact offer?
Yeah
Well if youre going to reduce my identity to my religion then Im Sikh
No.
What
There you go.
To be safe
Oh
Oh good
Daddy? Shes ready to push.
Why dont you get more ice chips?
How we doing?
Would you like me to take her to the nursery for the night?
She can. But a lot of parents choose to have the baby spend the first night in the nursery to get some rest. Youve been through a lot.
Okay
Somebody buzzed?
Well
Yeah
Oh
Well
Alright.
Hey
Hows it going?
Bottles are fine. A lot of babies grow up using bottles. So are you excited to bring your baby home?
Yeah
Twenty five minutes. And youre all set with the car seat?
That bottom part needs to go in the car.
Ha ha
Who are you?
I dont know what that means. Were gonna circumcise him.
How are you doing Ms. Palmer?
Excellent.
Um... Im an intern
Ah
It also says you were recently bitten by a raccoon?
Michael Scott?
Thank you everyone.
Im 87.
Well
I started this company in 1949.
Back then
And then Mifflin
And he was
And...
Well I
Well
Yeah
Whoa. Easy tiger.
Okay. Bye guys. Nice to meet you.
Proceed to the highlighted route
Make the next right turn.
Proceed straight.
Make a right turn.
You know we closed our account with you right?
Were with Office Depot now.
OK. I dont think were coming back.
I mean
OK thanks.
I mean their website is really easy to use too. Thats a big deal for us.
You know I have heard it before.
Shes great
Oh
OK thanks for the goodies.
It looks delicious? I dont know.
Can you offer lower prices?
Then were not coming back.
No hes right.
Oh
That I dont care about as much. Let me know when the sites up.
Did you forget something? What happened to you guys?
Oh what is this?
Maybe you should leave.
Alright here you go
Yeah it was mine!
Come on guys
I ate them OK
I told you I dont want you doing these things in here. You can use your own office or do it in the hall.
Okay. We start. As soon as I make... this shot. Aaannnddd go!
Who am I?
Not sure. Just became self-aware. So much to figure out. I think I am programmed to be your enemy. I think it is my job to destroy you when it comes to selling paper.
What is a Jim?
You do look worried.
Oh. I didnt realize we could use the leads we stole from Staples.
You beat me. You are the superior being.
You tell me.
How do I know this isnt Jim?
Heres a suggestion computer. I assume you read...
Setting up the web-cam for the party.
Okay. Okay.
Hey. Sixty-three fifty
The half off coupon only applies to orders of two pizzas.
I dont care what you told them on the phone

Not my problem.
Great story. Its sixty-three fifty
Well then youre not getting youre pizzas.
What?
Im not going in there.
This is stupid.
Yeah
No.
What kind of business is this?
You better think about what youre doing.
Sales?
Youre such a loser.
A loser.
A loser.
Why are you looking at her like that?
If anyone out there is listening
I can hear you
Im not scared of you.
Can I start talking? Is this thing on? Give me a signal when you want me to start.
the manager of Louie Volpies approaches a giggling Kevin
This is a cloth tablecloth! You cant color on it!
Okay
Hey howd it go?
You have to give us something...
Yeah
So this one goes with my eyes and this one goes with your eyes. People have said I have very pretty eyes.
Okay
Could you light this please?
Guess Ive been working so hard I forgot what its like to be hardly working.
No--- dont... that doesnt even mean anything.
What
Whats going on here?
Were a legit operation with a license from the city I can show you. We pay minimum wage against commision---
Everybody in the conference room. In 5 minutes.
I just want to remind you to stick to the script. Improving the work. So
Were offering a $50 bonus tonight to the guy with the most sales. Ok.
You could make jokes when youve made a sale there rookie
My office.
Just dial the number on the sheet and stick to the script. Say those words exactly
A few more minutes is a waste of our time.
This is a trading game.
You give a quick pitch. You make the sale. You move on. Thats how Vikram does it.
Good for Vikram
Whats so captivating?  everyone stops talking
Uh
No
I think that you should call the cops.
I dont know what to tell you
Are you... you threatening me?
Well
Good luck
Hey Dwight.
Mind if I get in there for a second?
Just one...   Gah! Ah! Dwight
Yeah.   I already got to yours
Hey guys
Oh yeah
My name is Nick.
Okay
You called me man? I just said my name just now
You
Thank you so much for that. I saw all your hard drives
But you promised.
Everybody poops.
Theres no other... way to get rid of the food.
Gone.
His day place.
What office?
Angela?
Angela  .
Cannonball! Lemon bomb! Jim
Okay
Names Mose
Large spins!
Helicopter!
Aaah!
Welcome children.
Im the valet. You have to give me your car.
Im the... Im the valet. You have to give me your car.
Give me your car.
Give me your car.
Get out. Have a good time at the thing.
Hi
Im not supposed to say.
People person.
Thats right.
Yes.
Okay.
Zekes here.
Hi to Mom.
Will there be ghosts there?
Well
Guten Prank.
Or a woman.
Yes
Michael?
No.
Oh it looks like mixed masala
Oh
Enjoy.
I was a surgeon back home.
Oh yeah.
Well this is your home.
Uhh
Good night.
Thank you Michael.
Well if you concentrate and make your calls faster
Good night.
You got me.
Where are we going?
He seems really confident.
Confidence. Its the food of the wise man but the liquor of the fool.
Hes taking a long time. Is it possible hes bowling? I mean
Hey
What sort of investing club is this?
I thought Nana raised some good questions. What kind of a name is Nana?
Oh
You know
Dude
Yeah
All right
Really?
Whats it about?
Wed love for you to come
Lipophedrine
Never heard of it.
Are you quitting?
Come back anytime
You just put it back in your pocket.
Hey
Lets do it
That sounds great.
Okay I can tell that your time is valuable---
That all sounds really
Why dont we show you what we did with the Nashua branch?
Thats what we came up with.
Yeah
Well
Okay Im not going to argue with this guy. Lets go. Good luck dude.
Sure.
Yeah... no.
Hey
Hey Michael
Well the main part of the ad has to stay the same
Okay
We were sent here to help out.
Right.
Michael
This is weird.
Okay
No
Hey.
Thank you Michael
200.
350.
No
Do you have your passport?
Got your per diem?
Michael
I was happy to send Michael on this trip. Hes been feeling pretty down since we had to transfer Holly up to New Hampshire. But this little perk really seemed to turn him around.   And its pretty tough to find somebody who wants to go up to Winnipeg mid-November.
Well
And in terms of nightlife
Hey! I just heard you guys made the sale.
Good
Excuse me?
What are you talking about?
Okay.
The hotel? What
Im sorry to hear the hotel was bad.
Sometimes
How could you possibly think this is a good idea?
You could have burned down the whole building.
No
No
Michael
Michael?
Yeah.
Could you tell me why you had to cut the face off the dummy?
We had to pay for it. Cost us thirty five hundred dollars.
Would you let Charles know that David is here
So Michael
Hey guys
Its probably a little of both.
Excuse me?
Wait
Look
Very good.
Jim
I may have heard from an old client
Hello?
Dwight?
Yeah? Are you ok?
Well
Dwight?
What?
Ok
Hey Jim
Hey
Jim says hed like some say in the hiring process.
Jim
Yeah.
And I know we have a call scheduled for later –
Yeah. Whats up Jim?
Its okay. Go ahead
Okay. Jim
Hey guys.
Sounds great. Dont let me interrupt. What ever you guys have been doing this last quarter
Well
Great job
What fire?
It looked fine to me.
OK.
Thanks
All right. Everyone!
Hey
...No
Hey
Hey
This isnt going to be an easy conversation. I told Andy that he was on very thin ice when he snuck away from three months to the Caribbean. Then last week he used company money to buy a top-of-the-line photo printer. In his words
Andy—
Uh-huh
So you think youve been too focused on your job?
So you—you want to quit Dunder Mifflin to pursue acting?
Uh
Theres probably no way I can talk you into staying at this point
Well
Okay.
Well that kind of worked out.
Uh
Sensei
He said that? Hes an odd guy
Well
So
Again! And Im looking for a new manager. And with his performance this year
You sure?
Yeah.
You can stay on as a salesman
Dwight
Will you be the new manager?
Where?
Here. Scranton.   Come on. Come on
What?
Why do you already have this?
I know.
I know
Attention
I dont think so.
Dwight
Yeah.
Then well get him a new set of drums.
We put the past behind us
Enough
Oh my god.
Its like seeing a documentary about how your food is made. Its kinda disgusting. You learn a lot
I think your ideas are fantastic
It all starts with an idea. But you can never tell where an idea will end up.   Because ideas spread
Dunder Mifflin
Karen? Hes on line one.
Hi.
Uh
Hi Michael.
Arent you the guy that hit the woman with your car?
Everyone says Scranton branch is worse than Camden. Didnt everyone from Stanford quit
Seriously?
A good start. And I think its busload.
Mr. Scott
Oh. Very good. Well put.
How long have you known the plaintiff?
How long have you known Ms. Levinson?
And you were directly under her the entire time?
Excuse me?
Ms. Levinson told you she was your direct superior?
With all due respect
Oh
Can you go back to where this digression began?
Did Ms. Levinson ever say why she thought she was being fired?
Can you be more specific? Who are the twins?
You dont need to go any further. Her breasts.
She thought it had something to do with her recent breast enhancement surgery?
What about your romantic relationship with Ms. Levinson? Could that have played a part in her termination?
Interesting. How so?
Could we take a short break?
Wait
This is plaintiffs exhibit 107. I quote from an entry dated Janruary 4 of this past year. Just got back from Jamaica. Tan almost everywhere. Jan almost everywhere. Hehe. Oh diary
Irie
Arent we trying to determine whether Michael or Jan were engaged in a romantic affair? Not Michael and this Ryan person.
You can respond
Starting at paragraph 6. Council : Mr. Wallace
Council : Was he your first choice? David Wallace : Michael Scott is a fine employee who has been with the company for many years.
I have one more question
Hi everyone
Thank you
Were gonna need to see a copy of that entire journal before we proceed.
Its basic discovery. We have the right to review it.
Mr. Scott
OK Mr. Scott
Considering she consistently gave you such poor performance reviews.
Mr. Scott
And that would be a month after your relationship became official
You may read the
Mr. Scott
Mr. Scott?
Two years ago
Yeah
Okay. Were you aware that when Jan was with you
Im sorry. Excuse me?
Okay
Okay  .
Toby?
You know
No wait
Okay
Um would you mind please just
That is you and Ms. Levinson in Jamaica
And that photograph was taken more than two months prior to this start of your relationship. Does that sound right? Mr. Scott
Wait
No
Im sorry
Mr. Scott. Do you swear to tell the truth
Mr. Schneider : And you were directly under her the entire time? Mr. Scott : Thats what she said.
Mr. Scott
Was he in the top 5 of contenders? David Wallace : What do you want me to say? Come on
You took me by the hand
Not now Dwight
You wanna press charges?
Sir
The neighbors said they heard some shouting.
You know you dont have to press charges
Yes. Shed be charged.
Wendys.
This isnt Wendy.
Dude
You have to come to the restaurant to order food.
Its ready now.
Michael?
Are you Michael Scott?
Oh
Youre asking what I do with the checks that people write to me?
I dont know.
Shes beautiful.
Im gonna head out.
Thats incredibly rude.
Michael? Michael?   Large hot chocolate with caramel and a shot of peppermint.
Michael? Hello? Michael?
Lets just meet back in an hour.
Alright
You have about ten seconds---
OK.
Whose parking spaces?
Ohh... God...
I dont have time for this you guys.   Just give em back their spaces.
We good? OK. Could have done this over e-mail.
OH! You believe in rock n roll. Can music save your mortal soul? And then   can you have to dance real slow. Well
Hey
Insane.
What are you doing man?
OK I gotta go. Do not take him to a hospital.
Hey
Troy Undercook
Just filling in for Ryan
He had an urgent matter in New York.
If I see him
I report to Wallace now.
Maybe I do.
Whoops.
Ive never heard of that movie.
How old are you?
Wow. Thats so cool.
Well Im gonna go back to my group now.
Thanks for the drink.
Yeah?
Uh
You have to go with me.
Stay. Stay
Call me.
Wooo!
Were not going unless we can all go.
Thats one aspect of small pet grooming. What do you do?
Cool.
Yeah.
Im just gonna just use the powder room.
So Ill see ya soon.
Ohh...
Thank you.
Whoa!
Hey Jim
Phil Maguire
Yeah
Guys kind of a douche.
Lets make it interesting
I cant complain
You know what Jim? Im not really looking to change things up right now
Oh!   Ah
Yeah Ill- Ill get it out. Thank you.
You can try. But Ive looked at your prices. Even with free shipping? Doesnt work. Its just- its not in the stars
Lets open a tab
No.
Ill tell you what. My fiscal year ends in two months
I guess.
Cool.
Hi.
Sorry for wasting your time.
Hi.
Polznik.
Hi.
You didnt want me before. Thats what you said.
You were kind of a jerk to me.
And Im
Im sorry
Okay.
Well
Oh.
Thats what the recruiter just said.
Pam walks back into office
Good playing with you guys.
The job fair will be closing in five minutes. Eighth period will commence as scheduled.
Hello.
Are you interested in graphic design?
Oh absolutely
Great. And uh
Its actually not super-complicated. I mean Im sure theres some sort of like
Yeah.
Sure.
You should.
Absolutely.
Its where the action is.
Hi. Yes
I love the view.
Hi.
Man
What did you do to him?
Yeah
Oh
What do you do here?
No. Which ones Kevin?  they glance over at Kevin subtly
Oh. Good for you guys.
Hello. Hello.   Hi.
What do you do?
Oh
Oh
Well that is a very safe place for them.
Oh...   Nice
Thats good.
No
Ooh
Um... Y-yeah. Okay.
Thanks.
Great.
Hey Kevin.
Do you need some help?
Well
Hmm. Well how much money do you have there?   Okay
Damn it!
Oh
Yoga.
Pass curvy metal piece
Ohh
Acting!
Lovitz.
Hello.
You too.
Yeah
No
Um
Here you go.
Oh
Oh that is so sweet.
Whats protocol on this?
Michael
Oh
No
Stop. You can let yourself be upset. Hes your friend. You know what I usually find?...
Oh
I think its really cool you hired Kevin.
That-Thats my car.
Michael
I just... Um
Cool! You drive your own car?
Yep. Just like you.
Bye. Kevin
Not bad.
Someday I would love to hear Beers in Heaven.
Is he okay?
Yeah well
Hey there.
So you missed something really big.
Yeah
So... You know
Okay.
Oh that would be great.
I love pie.
Okay.
Okay. Good night.
Yeah
Oh
Oh
Oh
Oh
Great.
Ex-squeeze me.
Almost
Math is hard.
And arch your back. And slowly bring up your head.
Oh
Actually
Im not a lesbian. I dont know why I said that... Its a joke.
There is no joke. I just said it because I havent had much luck lately and Im not really looking to date. Maybe I should switch to women.
Um
I knew that. OK
Oh
Wikka wikka wikka what?
Youre shaking. Are you all right?
Hey
Oh
So
No! You do not talk to him like that!
He is not an idiot!
He is mentally challenged. But hes doing a super job here.
Well
Im sorry.
I have a crazy idea. What if we did
Obesity-caused illnesses.
Thats so lame they didnt invite us.
Hey
Itll probably be a total disaster
Really?
Oh
Its kind of a good news
Ok
Eight point five. I got a red wine stain on my favorite shirt. But hes cute
Whats wrong?
Dietings only half of it.
And exercise. Although I know everybody loves going to the gym.
...or that Dunder Mifflin does not discriminate. Nor does it condone unhealthy dieting habits or extreme weight loss strategies. As was clearly stated in the official starting---
What are you doing?
Oh
I just got off... Kendall? I just got off...
Oh
No.
And you know what? I even got two tickets to see the Counting Crows tonight as a surprise. Why do guys not call when they say they are gonna call?
Thanks. Thats sweet. Anyways
Well
So were only eight pounds behind Utica. Now
Im calling it. I guess thats curtains for the yoga guy.
Yeah.
Yeah?
Aww man
Look at where my seats were.
Yeah.
Michael
Ok.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Pencils down!   Just kidding
Today is ethics day. After they finish their quiz Im going to run my first ethics meeting here. Its gonna be insaaaaane. No
Thanks Michael.   Today were going to have a business ethics seminar because recently
Lets start discussing those questionnaires that you filled in this morning. It is wrong to make personal calls during work hours. Now
Corporate would like to emphasize that ideally you would all totally agree with that statement.
Thank you. In fact
Yes
Stealing office supplies is another big ethical area that there seems to be some confusion about.
Well
I am?
Ok.   Michael makes a really good point so
No
Ok
What was the dilemma?
Oh--- no no no.
No--- I
Meredith
Michael
I mean all of you have done things I wouldnt have done myself but Merediths actions are really over the line.
So
No
What I dont understand is... why the steak coupons? I mean
Well unfortunately immunity or something being off the record does not really exist in the workplace. I mean Ive never heard of anyone whos kept their job after something like this.
Its Mike-raculous.
Sounds good.
Oh I already bought this...
So
Oh
Mmm.
In Summer.
Maybe we should talk about Meredith first.
Ok
Im from da future.
Well
We punish her?
I dont think we could enforce that.
A chastity belt.
No
What am I saying?
Im saying that her behavior is unethical and a little icky and I dont think I want to work in an environment where that sort of conduct is tolerated.
Its not a family. Its a workplace.
Its been a little tense. People are suspicious of me. And my best friend in the office wont even talk to me. Turns out being the morality police does not make you popular. I should know because in middle school I was the hall monitor and the kids used to stuff egg salad in my locker. I was just hoping middle school was over.
Can I sit?
Yes
Oh
Umm
No
No. I can do it.
Can I have everyones attention? Excuse me
Everyone
In this next section we examine the difference between sick days and personal days. Sick days are only to be used when an illness precludes you form doing your job or can spread to your coworkers. Personal days
Ahoy.
Good.
Of course. Yeah.
You OK? You seem kind of...
I can imagine.
Oh
Waaa! More paper! Waaa!   No
Shes with Angela.
You still gonna be mean to me?
Yes.
Hello.
Yeah
Oh
Yeah.
Yeah.
It would help.
No
Um
I dont care
Oh
Im going out with you.
No more.
No more.
Thank you
Oh
We could go to the food court and get different foods. You could get Chicken Teriyaki. I could get a hot dog.
...Hell yeah.
Yeah
Its time to go.
Youre crazy
Oh
Yeah
Oh
I didnt forget my keys
Oh
Can I talk to you for a second?
That wasnt us
Michael I think this is our fault.
Oh...
Hows everyone doing? My door is always open if anyone wants to talk.
Michael scored the big ticket item. Springsteen tickets! The boss scored the boss.
He knows how to get things. He got me.
Sorry.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
The Springsteen tickets seemed too good to be true. But
Oh
Michael is taking a personal day to move me up.
Breaker one-nine
Kidding.
Its been a weird week since we found out I had to transfer. Michael wanted me to quit and get some job here in Scranton
I have to unpack this weekend but maybe next weekend we go to the outlets!
Yeah it did look shorter on the map-
You were sleeping? You were talking before.
Were only halfway?
Lets check there.
No.
No.
No
Its not gonna work.
Theres too much distance.
Michael weve only been dating each other for a few weeks
And I like you too.
Ive dated four guys last year too.
Oh.
Michael. Dont. Dont. Dont make it harder than it has to be.
If you leave on Friday
And then sleep in Saturday. That only leaves us less than 24 hours before you have to go back again.
Oh.
Well-
How long could we keep that up?
Years?
Years? Of just a few hours every weekend?
Thank you.
I do
Youll be okay
You will.
Okay. Bye.
Oh no
All right.
Hi. You remember AJ
Lemonade sounds great.
Um
I remember your chair pants idea.
Okay
Yep
Have ya hoyd the news? Extry! Extry! Read all about it!
Ooh
Do you have a script for the sketch
Crystal cool.
We could do Back to the Future.
We have to convince Dunder and Mifflin to go back in time... fix their parents.
Jaws. They swim in the ocean and they terrorize the whole community.
Dun-der. Dun-der...
Oh... We havent found our great idea yet.
Oh.
Hmm...
Are you ready to play SlumDunder Mifflinaire?
For one hundred dollars
That is correct!  both run to another side of the stage
Nice campus. Think youll get in?
Im Robert Dunder.
Robert Mifflin had a great life. But unfortunately
That is correct!
The economic downturn has been difficult recently
That is correct!
pantomimes biting off Michaels fingers
They didnt know?
Hindsight.
How do you think it went before the Buffalo thing?
There werent any laughs.
Yeah
Well
I cant wait.
Whatd you think?
Okay. So good to see you.
This is Holly.
No this is Holly.
No
I am calling because
A lot of people.
Three nuns
Yeah.
I dont think wed have kids.
It was just for a few weeks!
Michael
You romanticize things.
Michael
You made ourselves to be more than we were.
I dont know what youre getting so upset about
Michael...
This is Holly Flax
Hi.
Is there any way I can get a hand with these
Well
Well I did show my face around these parts
I most certainly am.
Unnnnnnngh!
Oh
Oh
Hi.
Oh
Would you put those out?
Oh
Oh
Watch out for my guns theyre both loaded.
Its a pea shoot...
Yeah
Oh...
AJ gave me that.
Mmhmm.
Why?
That is a really good point. AJ said he hadnt seen any of the Toy Story movies.
No. I know. I was like
Get a life!
We sat down and we watched them all in one day.
Now hes the biggest Toy Story fanatic ever.
Next day I found him in my bed.
We live together.
He had a little note pinned to him that said
Yeah. I love him.
Oh
Oh
Okay
Yeah.
You guys
Dwights right. What you did was dangerous and inappropriate. Im really surprised at you guys. Last time I was here
I didnt know you had a girlfriend.
Who did this? Its obvious to me Im not welcome here
You think this is funny?
Michael
You made up a fake girlfriend to see if Id get jealous? And you destroyed a gift my boyfriend gave me? What is the matter with you?
Michael
You guys
What? AJ!
What are you doing here? Oh
Wow! Nice.
Oh... when did you get here?
Oh
Hey
Oh
It was blue cheese dressing.
Theyre warm.
Oh
Ha ha
Yeah.
I got it for Christmas. Im so out of my league here.
Holly misses old phone.
New phone is confusing. Gets bad reception.
Bummer.
Reeses Pieces?
Oh
Oh
Oh
Nothing really happened. I mean
It just wasnt fair of me to give him an ultimatum in the first place. The whole thing is totally my fault. But were going to be just fine. Just fine.
Yes
Whats up?
Oh
Were gonna be just fine. You know how you say something over and over and the words start to sound weird? Going to be just fine... just fine... just fine... just fine...
I just think we need to cool things down for awhile. Yeah
Oh
Is Mikanos greek? He sounds Italian.
Maybe Mikanos ran away to join the Italian circus.
What do you do in your free time?
Mmm. Do you like movies?
We have to try this out on somebody.
Its a very strong coffee with milk from a goat.
No more brain damage.
Ahh!
I dont know.
Wonderful seminar!
Michael
For what?
Dont you have a sales call to go on?
We dont know that.
Why is it such a certainty that we are supposed to be together?
Michael
Well you dont have to agree.
No you dont.
No
Its the gas station on Benet Street?
Ok.
Oh no no no. Ill be fine.
Which way did he go?
Oh really? You dont think he walked by the bakery just for the smell of it?
Oh.
Hey.
Oh
What?
Are their egg rolls really that big?
What? No. Dwight asked if I wanted an egg roll. What... what are you implying?
I have no idea.
I dont know.
Will you stop! There has been a few coincidences
Stop looking at me like that. Okay
Look
Michael?
What are you doing up here?
Dunder Mifflin.
I missed you too.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay
Bye.
Okay
Ohh. Can you get lower?
A little lower.
I cannot keep myself from Michael. Everything he does is sexy. He has this undeniable animal magnetism. Hes a jungle cat. The man exudes s*x. He can put both his legs behind his head.
So we kiss occasionally.
Sorry to interrupt. Forgot to collect my things.
Oh
Yeah
Okay.
Two people in love?
Wait
Wow
I love you.
Hello.
No
No touching.
Oh.
Almost got you.
Youre not touching me.
And here.
Okay.
You said you would.
No
Yes. Number three.
Give me all your money and take off your clothes.
Come one. Nobodys looking. Whats wrong?
Maybe we didnt want to think about it. We can make it work. Well date long-distance.
We werent in love last time.
Im not saying it wont be hard. But we can make it work. Thats what she said.
Hi.
What? What are you talking about?
No
What if I said it wasnt up to them?
The company. Nobody knows our future
You do?

You never told me you made a movie.
Its got you.
I cant wait.
Uh... which part?
Hey! Good movie.
I loved it.
Uhm
Uhm...
Not worried about that.
Wha- Its your dream and you never even mentioned it before!
Well why do you have to make a movie at all?
Really
Im real.
I love you too.
Hey
Hi!
You must be Todd.
Very funny. Okay lets get started.
All right.
I already have.
Michael loves you
Yes I did
Yeah.
Oh
Hey
Uhm.
Michaels recommendation was glowing! And
Okay
Do any of you have any concrete complaints about something hes done?
Well if thats the case
So
Well
So much happening.
No! No.
Did Todd tell you to do that?
I love you.
Thats certainly opinionated.
Oh Im going.
I dont think hes funnier than me.
No
No
Ok : Bill Cosby
Honey
Im sorry about your friend.
You ahh.
What ah you wicked smaht?
Who ahh?
10 dollars.
20.
You know we dont have to sell that if you dont want to. If its a problem with the neon I can have my neon guy take a look.
Well we could put it in storage... in case.
You know... in case if something changes.
Nope.
Michael called Dad?
Um
Hi Dad.
Um
I... Im not there Dad
I live here. Um
No. No... no Dad.
Mom
Well who do you have?
No. Mom?
This is your moms old stuff?
Hows she doing?
How do you know when its time?
Let me see.
Look I need to talk to you.
I think I need to go home to Colorado. My dad isnt doing so well.
I dont know.
Yeah.
Yeah
And I want you to come with me. Now I know thats a lot to ask of a boyfriend..
And I was thinking... you know maybe since given our last conversation that were both ready... Michael Scott will you..
Uh
13 dollars.
Listen about earlier ...
It was wrong to put you in that position and... Michael you are my life now. Im not going to Colorado.
Why?
I remember.
Michael..
Yes.
Mh hmm.
Oh
What happened here?
Nice
Hi guys.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
Your wife becoming me will I.  everyone in the kitchen starts cheering
Hello there!
Boulder. Is something wrong? Are you okay?
Oh you mean this?
Ill pay the rent!   Okay
Well Ill see you tonight. Ill pick you up outside baggage claim.
I love you too.
Antigravity machines?
What do they do exactly?
Antigravity... Um... Anti...depressants? I could put you through to someone on that.
Hey Mrs. Vance
A fridge?
What?
Im not so specific as I can be on my first day
She was laughing hysterically that whole time!
Thats not cool.
Whats a...
Youre gonna be just fine
Lots of people suffer dehydration  they all recover just fine.
Im Michaels pediatrician. Dehydrations pretty simple. He could also have been treated by a Boy Scout leader
They sprayed me in the eye.
Shes a Weimaraner
Brad Bailey
Yeah.
Sales
Well
Mmhmm.
Hey
Yeah.
Nice.
Paper.
Are you sure?
Sweet.
Well
Oh
Okay
Thanks.
Whoa
Yeah
Nnn
Hi
Mr. Malone.
This is the ice cream franchise? Yeah
Id rather not.
Can I ask you something? Did you make that or buy it from the store?
Absolutely. Justin is smart
I think Justin can be anything he wants to be.
Toby! Come on
Toby! Toby! Toby!
So
Well I would hope so.
Yeah
Okay
Flavors
And you would make the ice cream yourself?
Do you know how to make ice cream?
Ill be honest this stuffs going in the recycling so... if hes lucky well shred it first to protect his social security number.
I have a lot questions.
Really? What kind of questions?
Not something youre going to have to worry about.
So do you have it?
Lets go.   Kevin this is just paper.
Come on Kevin
Come on
Im not going to hurt you. Do I look like I would hurt you? This is a terrible situation you got me into.
Im not going to be mad if you give me the money! Come on man! You have a nice new car
Get it okay? Look at this car!
Hi. Thanks for waiting.   So
Oh yeah
Oh well thank you.
Mmm
Dunder Mifflin
Hi
Does anyone want to dance?
Sorry Im late. I accidentally switched my alarm clock setting to Zapf Chancery.   Which is my terrible segue into our course
Some of you may remember from last semester I am Professor Monaghan.   And looks like Im boring someone already.
Please sit down.
So
Quiet please.
Oh
My ex-girlfriend. Shes right behind you. Just... hide me.
No no! Dont look!
Uh
Sorry.
Lets meet for lunch.
What -- today?
Yeah. Cmon well meet halfway. Youll be back for your 4 oclock class.
The rest stop where that soda exploded on me. Exit 17
Where?
Alright. See you there.  : ) P.S. I finally finished my summer project.
Lets get ethical! Ethical! I wanna get ethical! Lets get into Ethics yeah! Let me hear that Dunder Mifflin talk! Your body talk. Let me hear your body talk.
Michael.
Listen
Well
Well
I thought it was clear with you
Every other branch has managed to get this to us so if its not something you can handle then thats a different discussion.
Good.
Oh yeah
Really funny.
Paaam-o-laaaaaa...
Paaam-o-laaaaaa... Miss ya kiddo. Miss you... so much.
You are such a dork! Shots!
Im not drunk.
Okay
Scranton.
You can take the girl out of Philly...
Wait
Me and the blues. Its me and the blues.  Dwight looks at his watch
140.
160.
Life is a highway
Hey
Im good.
Right! That would be hilarious! We should totally dog her
Like she basically has a hobby
The other thing would get Jim.
Oh
Pam
So Pam
Maybe Pam should pay the check by drawing a picture on this napkin.
Yeah. Right Pam?
Yup. She only knows how to play When the Saints go Marching In.
You dont!
We pranked you!
Thats when Ill do the face
A noogie?
Pam
Hoping itll make our wives take it up a notch.
Heard you might have a whoopee cushion on you.
Wear a tie much?
Hey
Hey.
Hows it goin?
Its been a while.
So you work here
Must be a front for some kind of famous laboratory.
Cause youre so smart.
Oh
Yeah.
Wheres your jetpack
Thats perfect. You know what would be even more hilarious? Remember that thing we did when Jim was in high school with his girlfriend?
That
Oh yeah.
I think this is better.
This is nicer
Nice to see you again
Yeah
Hey
Yeah but
Just saying. How many famous trumpeters can you name besides... Louis Armstrong?
The point is Pam
And there are hobbies. I love baseball more than anything
Im just calling it like I see it.
It was Pams idea. Pam was the mastermind.
That was killer. I was so close to blowing it.
Alright
Like
You know what? Never too married for a noogie.
Smoking.
A little mo cardio.
Douche.
No thank you. My names Pete.
Pete!
What? Why?
No Im not.
Sure
NASCAR. The Amazing Race.
You mean horses?
Ah
I dont want it
I want to start my own business. I want to be a millionaire. Lots of things. Travel
Well
Why are you getting rid of it?
Your husband?
Really? I got something?
Yay
Thats really nice.
Its open.
OK.
Uh
No
Seems unnecessary for an audition.
That Clark
Yeah
Hey
The weird thing is Erin is doing the audition alone.
Now
Someone whos already got rapport with Erin
Sorry
Yeah
Yeah we noticed early on
Yeah
Hey Erin!
Oh—okay. Sorry.
Fonas chek!
Oh sorry! Sorry.
I dont think thats Nelly.
I didnt realize that everybody here dresses up every year.
What?
Fax?
Cool. Hes like 40 though
Awesome. Have fun.
Hey. Shes back.
Yeah
Hey
Oh. Nope. Its not that
Yeah
Ok.
Yeah.
Okay
Toby got us all to participate in Movember. Its a charity for prostate cancer. You pledge money and then you grow a mustache for the month of November.

Erin
What?
Oh
Wow.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
One of my jobs is to input customer complaints into the computer. And when theyre in
Thats the idea.
Well
Will do.
Kevin
This next card comes to us thanks to Meredith Palmer
All right. Up next we got a whole lotta Creed.
All right.
There we go.
Nicely done. Very nicely done. All right
There you go.
Hey
There we go. All right
All right. Check it out.
Like a Phoenix from the ashes. Ksshhhh!
Can you hand me a card?
What?
Did she buy it?
See ya later
Our crowning complaint card comes to us thanks to Pamela Halpert...
For insulting a clients recently deceased mother.
Well
yeah. Thats-- that is terrible.
Im just hoping German terrorists dont take over this Christmas party. Make me go all John McClane on their asses.
Die hard reference.
You havent seen die hard?
Why havent you seen die hard?
Come out to the coast
Actually
Oh
Common mistake.
My brother dared me to memorize it
Hear what?
You dont like flying
No
Let Heinrich plant the detonators and Theo prepare the vault. After that--
That is transcribed by some fan. They make mistakes.
Hey. Everything okay?
Right
Or we can just sit and talk
I mean
Okay.
Okay
Yeah. Definitely.   Hey
Oh
Uh
Hows that?
Yeah
Okay.
No
Hey
Okay.
Hey
Stocking pens
What?
Then we created a bunch of fake friends for Derek
Oh
Oh! All right
Yeah.
Yes.
Bap
All right
That is correct. Come on
Hey.
Well
yeah.
Oh
Erin says shes gonna break up with Andy
Sure.
Ill get my coat.
Meredith
Hey
Oh.
Oh
Ive got the seat adjusted right.
I was just leaving.
I dont know. Women do tend to move on quicker than men.
It just occurred to me that Andy has been calling me Plop for so long
Hey.
Yeah.   You were gone.
For a long time
Andy
What?
Andy?
Andy.
Im trying..
Andy.
You cant fire-
If you want to talk to me
Ill be in the annex.
Alright? Ill be in the annex.
Toby!
Toby?
Hey. You got a sec to talk?
Yeah. Look
Well
Yeah.
I do think we can have a fair....
Alice. Oh man.
Yeah. We uh
Well. Is it?
Ok.
Andy
It is awkward. This is a really uncomfortable situation that youve contrived.
Yeah.
No.
It is so unpleasant. You?
Dude
It was college. That is what you do.
Shes nice to me.
Oh my god.
Uh
No!
I just want to be real clear that chopsticks is not the measure of a man.
Why dont you say in the beginning: This isnt really going that well
Ok
Yeah.
Your morning 3-by-5. Coming right up.
Poor Angela.
Erin! Erin! Just stop.
Relax.
Yeah.   Whoa!
Ok   Hey hey hey
Yeah
Oh
Its cool
See
Wow. Cause
Plop? Still?
Fine.
A horse.
Whats the opposite of a horse?
Uh
Yeah
There he is!
Hello?
No
Well
Are you--
Uh
Pam Beesley?
Its Pam. Uh
Uh
Um.
Im gonna take a big leap and I want to tell you that I think you should not move back to Scranton.
Why did you come to New York in the first place?
Right. And thats why I think that you should stay here. Because I mean
I know. But all Im saying is
OK.
So Id like to redouble my order
Im sorry?
Hear what?
Well
I need paper.
Well that sounds like a really nice deal.
And I must say
My mistake. Sorry.
That- thats good for you.
Hi.
Thanks.
Im sorry. Youll need to keep moving.
We need to keep the isle clear.
Hi.
Oh
What would you like to drink?
Tsk... Oh. Matsuki. Thats a good one. Uh
Oh
Down here... the financial district.
Good to see you.
Oscar.
Thank you.
Thank you?
Uh...A stro cleaners on St. Johns place is the only place open on that day.
What?
Uh
Is he your boyfriend or something?
Mmm-hmmm...
I am so tired.
Ill be honest with you--- weve been talking with Catalyst Paper. Their prices are better than yours.
Everything okay?
Keep talking.
Uh well weve been going with...
Oh my God.
Oh you must take this call. Its...
Okay
Michael
Michael
What makes you think wed have weed?
Why would you even say that?
Walk away.
Hey
Hey
Its- its two pounds. Im losing money on this man just
Walk away.
Hi
We were tipped off about a possible narcotics situation.
Sir?
Sir
Really?
Turn around.
Do you have any weapons?
Salad dressing?
We got a fake tip.
No.
Sir
Sir
Check this out.
Some basil. Salad dressing
Yeah its
No.
120
Can I help you?
Oh!
Hello
Oh
What kind of business are you in.
I assume your primary paper needs are stationary
About 80.
Its just me
I opened this place after I came back from Vietnam.
Mmhmm.
You sure know a lot about paper for a lawyer.
Oh really?
Hi
Thats my son.
I sure hope not.
Wait  let me get something for you. Here is some
Bye bye now. So long.
Is everyone okay?
A tow truck is going to charge you one hundred bucks to take you a mile. Let me take a look.
Ill be right back Im just going to grab my tool box.
Well that outta do it.
Gosh
Hot!
This close.
Youre just out of business?
Grandfather : So why are you considering leaving Dunder Mifflin?
Grandma
Right.
8
Its all better.
Dont put that.
It sounded bad.
No
Ahhhh!!!
Did you shout
Wh--what?
I dont follow this exactly. Uh
Are we talking about your grandchildren?
Finally theres a provision here in the occurrence that the child is born an old man
Despite the provision covering whether this is all part of the matrix--
This is essentially...
Equivalent to a donor or surrogate contractor.
Which is actually pretty common. So I have to tell you that this is a solid contract.
Look
So essentially
Look
Look
A-B-C. Okay? And hat stands for... airway
Its been 20 seconds.
Would you like to try next?
So
No
All right
Okay. Well
No
Okay!
Okay!
Yeah
I have no idea.
I want you to meet my nana. Nana...
This is Sam.
Mmmhmm...
Please-- Call me Lily.   Lets play Bridge. You can be my partner.
Im in here.
I want you to stay.
Get that done already.
Sam
Hi. Nice to meet you Mrs. Hannaday.
Alright... Lily.
I uh
Get that in there. Oh yeah.
I know but if I get it in deeper...
Lilly no. Lilly! Lilly please! Lilly STOP! I dont care how much time we have left. I dont care what my friends say! And I dont care what your mom thinks! Frankly Im pretty sure shes not makin any sense. Please. Move back to my apartment.  Andys crying
Michael I gave you a ride home last week
Oh
I cant accept these prices
No
Actually
Thanks for walking me out.
You must be freezing.
Oh
Whats a Nard-Dog?
Whoa. What the hell?
I just got out of a relationship too. Its really hard.
No
Okay.
Thank you.
A.J.

Im a salesman. Thats why I raised my hand.
Yeah. Why
Its pretty serious
Excuse me?
No
Does what feel good?
Hi.
Yes
Really? Hes never around when I come by.
How about I make an appointment to come back? That way
Great.
Oh
Ok. Im
Yup
Youre gonna need to lie down right over here.
Alright
Just relax.
Youre done.
Oh. She left.
Im sorry sir we cant give out that information.
Of course.   Thats weird. You got a cotton ball and tape and weve been using Band-Aids.
Hi
Whew
Yeah
Whew
Sure.
Sorry
Oh
God
What?
Ew.
Thats not good.
Well
Um
A hat with no blood in it?
Youre cute.
Ah
Is he OK?
Oh
Hi.
That does sound cool.
Thats really sweaty.
Oh
Bye
Hi.
OK.
OK.
I- I- believe you.
Um
Oh God tons of it .
OK.
Look
Look
I am.
He was definitely with somebody.

If that was his sister
Making out.
Why would we call you at night?
I learned that a ream of paper is 300 sheets.
Oh... I guess I didnt learn anything.
Alan Thicke.
Hi -
Hello.
Uh
Right.
Yeah.
Its called due diligence. Basically
So
Um
Well
So
Are people generally happy?
In what way?
So... generally?
Generally.
Generally happy.
What about non-safety issues
You
Youre the head of Human Resources.
Ok.
Its uh
Talkin bout
Waste is next.
No
Is anyone near retirement age?
Hey
Thank you. Its nice to meet you all.
Is this the party?
Excuse me
This is Jessica Ortega. I met her when both she and I were both seven years old when my parents took me to Quimixto on a service trip.
Right now
Its gonna be three months of hard work and when were done
My parents explained it to me this way. You wouldnt hesitate to save a family member from a burning building
Thank you. Or should I say gracias?
If the whole world were like you guys
I know. Nobody I know would leave their jobs and friends and families to do manual labor for three months.
You have plenty left to give. Youre doing-
Thats him... the guy I hit.
There. That chubby one.
Yesterday?
Sorry I kicked your ass in front of your thin girlfriend.
Yeah
I-I was-
Thank you.
Why are you wearing a tuxedo?
Uh.
Your name is Jim?
Hey
Hey
You know
How about I just say hi to everyone at one time?
Thank you
Thats great.
Hey
But the goal is to
Uh
Sp-Well
You didnt tell them.
Yeah
Is that we are cutting three percent across the board
It is official. It is official. And actually
No
Michael
No
No.
Saticoy Steel.
No
No.
Yeah
And what is that?
Thats not how I plan on doing things.
Ill tell David what he needs to know. Sorry. David wants it this way.
Ok.
Charles Miner. Hello? Hello
Oh
Its no big deal.
You still have that option.
I do this for every branch I go to. If you do not like it
Uh
Ok.
Thats not the way its gonna work.
No
Ok
Ok
No
How old are you?
Five years old?
I will walk away.
What exactly is the PPC?
Excuse me
This doesnt seem like a good way to spend company time.
Whatcha got
This isnt a good use of company time
Everyone
Dwight
Ok
Yeah
I dont know if I have hurt your feelings or you do not disagree with my methods
Come in.
Hey.
Number two?
Oh
So youre the assistant to the regional manager?
Any responsibilities come with it?
So you keep this made up position? Its important to you?
Yeah
Ok. Nice meeting everyone. Ill see you in a couple of weeks.
Uh
Okay.
For regional manager Ive decided to go with an outside hire. For obvious reasons.
Jim.
what are you doing?
Okay
Okay. After you.
Okay.
You know
Come in...
Did Michael just let anybody in his office?
I am aware of the effect I have on woman.
Hey Hank
Okay
I cant pretend I havent seen that. So I am going e to ask you to stand up
not if youre starting your own paper company
No
Hey
Okay
Michael get up!
Michael
Hank? No
So
Also
Yeah
Just want to fill you in on a few details. As you know
Eh
Actually
Okay
Okay
No. Hey
Good. As I was saying...
You a soccer fan?
Well
Yeah.
I was actually in Germany for the 2006 World Cup Finals.
Yeah
Yep. Yep. Thats Pele.
I know. Yes I do.
Oh yeah?
I didnt know we had so many
What about you
Well
Yeah?
Thats a great idea
What do you say
Okay. See you on the field
See you on the field. Ha
Miner -
...sees his partner -
Halpert. He looks up!
Defending duo! He sets him up!   He sets him up. Yeah. Oh-ho!
Aw
Cmon
Jim. What do you play?
Forward or half?
Lets see what you got in those legs!
Alright.   No
Oh
Phyllis
Whyd you duck
Does that make you feel better? Huh?
Oh
Michael
Mmmhmm.
Hey Kelly?
Oh
Oh
Okay
Erin. Okay
Hey Jim can I get a
Hi. I need a rundown of your clients
Yeah.
As soon as possible.
Just get it right.
You started on that rundown yet?
Oh.
Okay
Just keep it simple.
Youre working hard? On this?
Right. I mean why work harder than you should.
Hey Pam.
I dont know what to tell you. The jobs been taken.
Um.
Yeah I know.
No.
Okay.
Great. Fax that to everyone on the distribution list.
Do I need to?
Whats that?
Looking good.
Dwight
Nah
Ive just been impressed with your performance and I wanted to make sure good work doesnt go unnoticed.
Yeah
And I wanna start givin you more responsibility. What do you say you and I go out for a drink this week?
Definitely.
Hi
No
Michael
Yes.
We need to talk about our two companies
He did.
Michael
Okay
No
In the last month we have lost ten major clients to Michael Scott.
I dont want to hear excuses. I want to see improvements. This is unacceptable.
Why are you telling me this?
Is this something you really want to have said?
I dont know what to do to inspire these people. Okay
I wrote a memo to all departments asking them to find ways to save money but
Uh
There he is. There he is. How was the trip up?
Oh
I feel like I should be thanking you.
The conference room is ready if we want to get started.
Oh yeah
Right.
Uh
Yeah
He shows promise and Jim
Okay
God
I agree.
Okay. Hey
Yeah.
We still have the inventory sitting--
Yes. Yes
What is wrong with you?
No
What?
Dwight.
What? Howd you hear that?
So how long can they stay viable?
Okay
Because you have embarrassed me for the last time today. Got it?
You two are morons.
Get out.
Oh
They dont make them anymore.
Thats very kind of you to say
Hey
Jim. Pam.
Nice day
Must be nice to get a rest from all your rest.
Yes we are!
Look who just woke up!  laughs
Woah
I dont know. You know
Oh
Yeah
I guess thats it for you
Yeah
All right! Come on.
David Wallaces office.
Good. Thank you.
Alright. . .
David Wallaces office.
Michael...
Please hold.
David Wallaces office.
No
Sure David.
Not a good idea
Hello.
Isaac Silby here for the interview
Thank you.   You interviewing too?
Interviewing?
Regional manager.
Philly.
Yeah
Gotta go
Its a phone?
Of course
Yep! Yeah. He just loved having people
Back to work
Vikram
Michael!
So lets hear it.
How do you expect to turn a profit in this economy?
Whats your mission statement?
Michael
Im not so sure.
See
This isnt a handout club. Its an investment club!
I love you
But no. I mean it. No.
Okay
We could just give him a chance. Its not much money.
Who are you?
I dont think so...
What is happening?
If were changing names
Oh.
Really?
Why was she in this building?
Thats crazy.
Oh my god!
Hmm.
Oh!
Yeah.
Just got some ice.
Oops!
So Ill see you guys around!
Can I help you?
Country roads
Thank you.
Wow!
Hi.
Do I still have a job here?
I really love your outfit.
You look like J-Lo.
Hi.
Oh
Oh!
Is--do the people--
Oh!
Do they not like me
Okay.
Oh my God! I cant believe it! I jut won an art contest!  Erin screams
Thanks. I still dont understand why you wanted me to say that.
Hi
Right. Im sorry.
Did somebody here leave a map in the printer to Youngstown
Sure.
Michael? Michael sorry to bother you. Are you going to be working down here? Do you want these down here now?
Well
You have a cool place to come hang.
Thanks.
Wow.
Now I do got it.
Oh
Thats rule #1.
Whew.
Its a cafe disco.
Oh
Yes.
Like unplug the coffee machine and bring it up here.
Youre bad.
Ashley! You made it!
Oh
Hey
phone rings
Thanks.
Yeah! Boo-yah!
Oh. Did we come up with a new name?
Cool.
And Im the minister.
Rolling?  Kelly inhales the cigarette
Is that a wrap?
Absolutely.
Good.
The shoot was going really great... until Kelly and Ryan got into a fight. Then the poop really hit the fan.
Maybe you can do it alone?
Do you know someone?
Would you be able to kiss him?
Oh. No. You have to wipe the jelly off your hands first. Sticky.
Hes your replacement.
They do have sparks.
Amazing!
Kelly got Andy to edit it for us in exchange for a small part.
You are so talented.

Kelly has an eating disorder?
She always eats my lunch.
We should do something.
I am so happy youre eating again.
I heard it from Michael.
Thats really great
Michael
I think hes around here...
David Wallace is calling.
Should I tell him youll call him back?
Dwight
David Wallace is on line two for you guys.
Wallace sent an e-mail about a meeting next week. He wants you both to respond.  Michael and Jim leave
Dunder Mifflin Scranton will be closed today and Friday for a company wedding in Niagara Falls. So
Oh no. That wouldnt be fair to leave Kelly alone in back.
Oh. Gross.
Go Meredith. Nice moves.
Oh yeah. What else you got?
What else you got?
Are you in a lot of pain?
People say you cry all the time.
If you want to sit on this--   I was thinking the wood might be too hard on your damaged pen1s. Make it softer.
Do you think they canceled the wedding?
Michael walks in office
In your schedule it just says nine til noon is creative space and I thought this could be part of that.
You dont have anything in the afternoon. It just says free play.
Yes?
Okay.
Okay.
How do you return coffee?
Theyre back!
Hi!
Coco Leche! Thats my favorite!
Oh
I think it will too
Oops
Sure. Oh
Pam
Michael
Fun!
Hi Dwight!
Night Michael.
I confirmed with Raskin Design and theyre expecting the both of you in an hour.
They said the both of you.
Youre soaking wet.
Um
Michael
Staples?   Uh
He heard you made a big splash at the meeting. Oh
Um
They want you to pay for it.
Well
$300.
Oh
Thanks.
How did today go
Yeah
Hes
Oh. Do you mean Marlon Wayans? Cause he is.
These are amazing. You took all these?
Oh just by like friends.
Oh
Your feelings journal? You told me to put it in the time capsule.
Naughty Nellie Nutmeg
How about you?
Hello.
Sounds like a plan
Well
Yeah
I havent seen it.
Of course
Where are you taking me?
Savannah? Thats a far way from Scranton.
No.   Did you?
I thought it was for real. So I was excited
Wallace is on the phone. Hes returning your call.
I dont think so. I think its David Wallace from Dunder Mifflin.
Michael? The limos here for you.
He said limousine
Its like what high school kids take to prom on tv shows.
Frankies Dirty Joke of the Day? Theres a bunch of those.
Theres a bunch of Sent e-mails that jusy say Delivered. Should I delete all of those?
Thats why you have a Sent Mail folder.
Theres about 30 news alerts for Nip Slip.
Nip slip.
Well...
Oh
Hey Pam
Oh
Weve already rescheduled seven times.
I can print out a new itinerary with Pams name on it.
Wow!
Youre famous.
Hey Mr. Scott
No.
No
The principal told me that 90% of Scotts Tots are on track to graduate
Really?
Ive always wondered what it might be like to be an accountant.
Yes
Seriously?
Hello. Sorry guys.  louder
Its so edgy!
It stings a lot.
I keep trying to figure out whos sending me these gifts.
So far no one will admit to it.
Is it you?  Andy stage face
Seriously?
What?
Do you want me off the call too Michael?
It was a little much Andy.
What were you thinking?
I got a big box
Guys
Well
I think when Andy finally asks me out hes going to try to top what he did with the drum line. I cant wait to see what he comes up with.
No
Nothing. Its wide open.
Uh-oh
Beep! Twenty people dead in a pile-up!
Oh
You named them?
Uh
Wow
Andy
Michael
Well
You know
Whos hungry?
Its ants on a log. Michael would always have me bring them in at 2:30 and say Whos hungry?
Do you want me to spin you in your chair and make you dizzy?
Its a thinking technique. All the top executives do it. It keeps the brain moving
Oh sure.
Well.
Geez louise.
Well
Friends are worth sharing a doghouse with.
Its no wonder that Andy gave Kelly such a romantic card. I cant compete with her. That girl can sing
Yeah
Sure does! Okay
Oh!  hits another key
Ooh
I thought you said your younger brother was named Walter Jr.
Affirmed. Seattle Slew. Secretariat. Citation. Assault. Count Fleet. Rollaway. War Admiral. Omaha. Gallant Fox... And... I know this. Uh... The jockey was Johnny Loftus. Sired by Star Shoot.
Um
Okay
Theres nothing in it.
I didnt know we had a tape measure.
You wanted to see me?
Oh
I dont know what to say.
Okay.
Michael
Im so sorry if I gave you the impression Im into Kevin
Im sure hell be fine.
Really?
I dont want anyone to die.
Hi.
Did you grow up around here?
So
Hey.
I have really enjoyed our time together.
I want to continue working on our friendship.
Because I think our friendship could be a really cool thing.
And
And I hope that Im your friend... And
Well...
Okay
Its busy. Why dont I keep trying
You cant talk to me like that. I didnt do anything wrong. Ive been having a tough day today.
You read the fax.
Oh
Yes. Do you have a day in mind?
Everyday is fine. Or...
Thursday?
Okay.
Welcome back
Andy go braugh to you! Nice kilt!
Oh
Yes.
Im a little sick but I dont want to miss my date with Andy. Ill get better. Whenever Im sick it goes away within a few hours. Except once
This fax came for you.
Uh...
Oh! No. I feel like I could lift a car.
Well...
Opens door
Im in my jammy-jams!
Oh
Your hands cold.
Yeah
Youre awake. Andy
Hes my foster brother.
Hey! My feet arent smelly
None. We were in the same house from ages ten to twelve. And then from fifteen to eighteen.
Yes. Thank you
Im so sorry I was so sick.
Something came for you
Yeah. I basically wish you were dead.   I hid the leads.
mimes zipping mouth and throwing away key
Lower.
Lower  tilts head toward her desk
I emptied it in the dumpster. With Tobys baba ganoush.
Go on. I have warm blood.
Sure
Talk to me that way again
Exactly.
Quiet.
Whats this game?
Oh I know.
Hey
Yes
No.
I get it.
Okay.
Erin sits with man
What we said to do.
I was flirting with a man.
The movies. I dont know.
You love drama.
Oh
Thank you.
Welcome back!
I know that Erin would be so psyched if you took her out to lunch.
Well
I got a picture of you asking me to lunch. I was thinking we could go to Hayworths.
Just the two of us.
Yeah
Oh.
Okay.
I was thinking it would be fun to talk on the way over. So what decade would you have chosen to be a teenager?
I would have chosen the 1490s.
Cause America was discovered.
And then my last job was at a Taco Bell express. But then it became a full Taco Bell
Yeah
How many pillows do you sleep on at night?
Hes the best boyfriend in the world. Tell me about him before I met him.
Yeah I love that.
What?
Sorry. About Angela? Did you say he dated Angela?
Why wouldnt he tell me that?
They had s*x?
Uhhhh
face looks disgusted
moans
In the Foster home
breathes heavily
Lunch was fine.
I dont know. It was lunch
God
I know about Angela! I know that you were engaged to her and that you were sleeping with her! Michael told me.
I dont want to be in private. Is it true or is it not?
Who else did you sleep with? Did you sleep with Phyllis or Kelly or Pam? Maybe all together?
Did everyone know? Was I the only one who didnt know?
Who are you?! I dont know you!
Thanks.
You want to talk to me
Oh. Take it up with the chief of police.
I want to throw up just thinking about it.
Really?
It was Andy
I hope you find what youre looking for.
Trust is the most important thing to me. Is your name Andy Bernard? Whats your real name? Lionel Frankenstein?
How long were you guys together?
A year? You were together for a year?
I think I have to be on my own for a little bit. Like the girl Precious in Precious. Based on the novel Push by Sapphire. Ok?

Oh. Sorry I thought everyone was gone.
I cant trust Andy anymore.
Its Andys fault.
Oh
You tricked me!
Buenos dias
Holy cow. Id be so happy.
I know. I meant Id be happy for them.
Mm!
Michael
Yeah.
Oh
Great.
Kelly got into the minority training program.
Maybe youd be more comfortable in your own office.
Uh
Yeah.
Its so exciting Pam. The Eagles are doing a theme of ice creams in honor of turning 60.
Do you want me to go back to the store?
This is all for Michael. It turns out his girlfriend was married.
After his last breakup
Thats okay. You probably shouldnt keep a baby up that late
We have Mr. Bean playing in the conference room and the Pink Panther movie in his office. With half hour shifts to watch it with him.
Hes coming.
Hi Michael.
Thanks
What about Kelly?
Is this a joke?
Ryan
Andy?
I wanted to say that I think it was very brave of you to go to the press.
Yeah.
Im Just the Girl Next Door is our best song ever. Your voice just keeps getting better.
Its the economy.
Oh. It was so much fun being famous
Oh good.
Thats so cool Kevin.
Weve got our outlet.

Im so sorry Angela.
grunting
Not somebody. Parts from many!

Whack!


Yes
Whos the guy who invented the peanut?
Gabe is awesome. He has accomplished so much career-wise and height-wise. Thank God hes my boss because I would not have said yes to a first date if I didnt have to
Thats a really tight argument.
Hey! Ice cream afternoon!
Oh my gosh
Im sorry
Yeah!
I dont know.
Dwight  snaps a picture with a disposable camera
Disposable cameras are fun
Andy?
Did you write this?
Who did?
Who is he?
I am so excited. But I just need one. Gabe cant come. Sorry.
Oh
Gabe seemed to think no one was going.
I really wanted to see Andys play
I just didnt think that you guys were gonna see us. We were just gonna stop by and get some ice cream and then go home.
Im sorry. I just really wanted to see Andy. You guys made it sound so unmissable
Oh
Why dont I just take her home and let you guys finish
Okay. Alright
Yes. Oh
Oh
Okay
This is awesome.   Sorry. Hi
Okay.
Thank you.
Terrific!
Andy...
Andy
Unplanned pregnancy.
Your two oclock.
Gotcha.
Dunder Mifflin
Oh!
Kelly! Great costume!
He says no.
A... S... S... H... E... T?
Ah!  lets go
Two! I got two. I ate two whole apples.
Di-Did you say vampire?
I think its really cool
driving up to pick up Michael
So its faster.
Do you guys want me to take you home or go back to the church?
No
Yeah. Kevin suggested it
I bet. You guys.
Oh
They caught the Scranton Stranger
Its pronounced wacko.
Michael!
Gabe and I are having a party
Yeah its a TV show...
Uhh. Its just that its our first party together so...
Okay
Wait which one?
Good me too!
I dont know if Michael likes Gabe that much
Mhmm! Id love it if you were there.
You and Michael are always the life of the party!
Why would I keep you from coming?
Why would I hide it!
Its make your own pizza night. Isnt Gabes place so nice?
Look at the size of those wine glasses Michael!
Those posters used to be real French ads.
The shows starting. The shows starting! The shows starting! Shows starting!
I wasnt recording it.
Wait
Jim.
Michael. Gabe is making the pigs in a blanket
Look who I found!
Michael knows everything there is to know about snacks
Gabe was born in 1982. He was the longest baby in the hospital.
Whats the longest thing youve ever seen?   For me it was the tale from Jets.
Are you having a good time?
Andy you look awful!
Are you alright?
Oh
I dont know.
I have to go Phyllis.
You did this?
Why dont you like him?
I care if you like him.
Okay...
What?
Uhm
You listen to me. You are not to tell me what to do.
I hate your roof!
Ill raise it how I want! Ill raise the roof!
I hate it! I hate your car!
Um
Sure.
Pam.
I dont wanna be a lousy snitch.
Ryan has been using the color printer for his business a lot
But its not for--
All that color.
How was the dentist?
Oh
Oh my God.
According to the internet
Whats America gonna do?
What if we all get together and help each other and hire a new guy
I think thats what theyre doing to me. I cant prove it

Fire him. No
Right
I didnt want to miss it.
Good.
Guys
Wow.
Ive looked her up online... theres nothing about her. Shes made no impression on the internet.
Oh...
Hello.
Im really sorry
Oh
To throw out? Or put out
Yeah
I dont get it! Im sorry. I just
Thats not true. I dont know her enough to make a decision even.
No.
I really think youre better off.
Yeah. Is she an amazing cook or something?
Hello.
I know who you are
Snot. Sorry
Okay
Sponge.
Gummi bears and gummi worms.
Ukuleles happy?
Chocolates.
Thank you! And two bottles of scotch.
And did you get the tickets?
Im really excited for Michael either way. Because if Holly chooses to be with him
Go!
Oh
Want some company?
I went to Portugal.
No.
Well
Hey! Gabe.
This is all I could find.
One
You want to keep this?
Do you want to keep this?
Do you want to keep this?
Your first student is here
Oh its...
Michael?
Ooh. Wait
Down... there.   Is jlp a word?
No
Im playing Scrabble with Gabe
The winner gets to pick the movie we watch. I have won no games. So far Ive seen The Shining
Really?
Yes.
Because Im playing to win. Im playing moo
Uh...
Like the cow mood yesterday. God.
The cow jumped over the moon.
Wait. Why?
When I win...
Were gonna watch Wall-e
Yes.
Apoplexy.
Got it.   Oh
I played ape.
I know. You get to pick.
Yes?
Theres a Shrek two?!
Ohh.
Oh my gosh!
Holly is ruining Michaels life. He thinks she is so special. And shes so not. Her personality is like a 3. Her sense of humor is a 2. Her ears are like a 7and a 4. Add it all up and what do you get? 16. And he treats her like shes a perfect 40. Its nuts.
You know what? Why dont you stay and Ill go?
Its kind of a sketchy neighborhood though. I better come along.
He answers to Michal. Michal G. Scott. Michael J. Fox. Mr. Fox. The Incredible Mr. Fox.
No.
Hey
She wandered off like an idiot.
Orville Tootenbacher. Thats Michaels millionaire character that...
Its Michael!
You knew.
Where did he go
Okay. We fan out...
Good. We dont need her.
From my secret admirer. Thats you!
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Look in the vase to find your first clue. Oh
But
I cant
Oh.
Psst! Psst!
Are you good at jigsaw puzzles?
Okay.
Oh! No
Yes!
Oh
Andy.
So tell me about your new girlfriend.
Aww
Thats Gabes boom box. Come on. We have to go find it.
No
Come on!
Ha!
Dont mind us. You keep working.
Oh
What do you think is on it?
Not if were talking like this. I think its okay. He doesnt seem to hear us.
Darryl.
No
Okay. Then no more talking. Lets just play the song.
What do you...
I guess we just have to wait until night and see.
Oh. Cool.
Super romantic.
Yeah. Did you not see it?
Hanks.
Sorry.
Oh. One Erin Special
Thats my favorite.
B-9.
Like a benign tumor.
Oh
Mm. Oh. Were suppose to...mmm
Guys! Guys. Did you guys know that our own Michael Scott has made a movie
Sorry were late. Gabe fell in the shower.
Yeah
Thank you Pam.
Hey sailor! Come watch it over here!
Pam gave it to me!
I just thought
Oh! If youre going back to the annex
If youre not gonna take the ants over I should probably just do it myself.
Gee! Uh oh! I think the ants are starting to eat each other!
getting up and walking towards them
Dunder Mifflin
Oh
Dunder Mifflin
Oh
Yeah
What do you think?
...Im so sorry. Sorry.
Deangelo
Michael
Deangelo
Oh hey
I dont know
Get away from the car
Just get in! Get in! Just get in!
Please! Sorry. Get in.   Sorry sorry sorry.
I eat lunch in the car now. Its my alone time. Its just nice to have some time away from Gabe.
I
Thank you Jim.
I cant just dump him Pam
DeAngelo
Thank you
Im not attracted to you. I just
walking into the womens bathroom
You cant be in here. This is a ladys room!
Hey Creed.
I really think you should leave.
Can we talk about this later
Gabe!
I know that Gabe is young
Andy.
I wish I knew who my birth mother was
Im not attracted to Kevin.
Extension 147.
I know.
Absolutely.
Deangelo?
Who should I say is calling?
Ooh
I thought I needed to know for your calendar.
Oh! Darryls funny.
2:00 should probably be okay. I can either take your number or -
Hes just gonna call back.
What?
Dwight doesnt trust robots to give us our messages.
Im taking a break from dating. Gabe was a great guy with so many wonderful qualities
Andy!
Ill go with you.
Navy blue. Little red anchors.
She had so much -
Hey.
Its good. I really hope you get it!
Still
You in the bosss chair!
Did you hear anything?
So
Yeah. Im sure I was just another Porkys baby.
But why not find out.
I think Andy should be the boss. Hes just so great. If Im being objective
I... I dont think I can do that.
Well
Yes?
I do really want him.
Jo
Hes all messed up. I can tell him to get lost if you want.
hiding under desk
Ive been turned into a puppet!
I went to drop off the FedEx forms and an evil witch named Angela turned me into a puppet!
And theres only one thing that can change me back into a real girl.
I need the most special thing in the office.
A date with the best salesman... Andy Bernard!
Oh.
Ive done it all my life.
I see it.   I see it like I see a mountain that Im standing in front of   and facing
Planking is one of those things where
Here we go.
Robert California. Lets have a conversation.
Well
Very smart
Pam
No.
Andy
I like my new group. I liked my old group.
Um
Andy wants us to
Justine. She said shes coming by later.
Would you be requiring a cold beverage while youre here?
Oh
Oh
Yeah. Its old.
I asked if you wanted a cold beverage and you said coffee....
Andy
Sorry.
Yes!
Yeah.
Theres a dog in the car.
As long as you guys dont need me up here.
I didnt feel anything.
You need to drop it
You did say it was a great idea. I heard you say it!
And we did.
Jim? Tell them what its called.
Jim...
Six months.
Ahh!
I think we should toast...
Its either taping or calling.
Sorry.
Here you go.
When they talk about all the nice things about dating a coworker
Oh
That Andy
Pam
Thats like
Yeah...
Send completed. You are the best in the biz
Oh
Oh
I dont know about this
Oh.
Hey.
Novembers sure creeping up
Hey
But thats it? Theres nothing about me
Oh
Gabe?
Im throwing the Halloween Party and I just want to amp it up a little. I think it could use some extra pizazz.
Remember that Halloween party you took me to once? The one where I started crying as soon as I walked in and I didnt stop crying?
Ok. Lets say that I wanted this party to be a tiny
No – just scary. If we wanted ideas for scary stuff.
What are you thinking?
Witchs brew?
I grew this party up real fast. Get out of here little kid party. Nobody loves you. And clean up your room! Grownups are going to use it later! Oooh!
Thanks. Its on medium.
Oh
Oookayyy everybody. Be prepared to be scared. Ok.  hits play on DVD player
Im sorry. I got confused. I heard you wanted to make the party more adult. But I think I know what to do now  . This game is called pecker Poker.   Its the game of cards that gets you hard.
All I know is you wanted to have a talk with me and I got nervous so...
Sure.
And shes never called here. Unless its your mom.
Two dates? Three dates?
Wow. Im so happy for you guys. Um let me know when you get to forty. Ill see you guys.
I dont know. Shes from somewhere
I dont know

Now we only have four strikes left until a home run.
Youre a real crumb bum
Dwights car is gone.
Uh
Do you need a hand?
Kevin comes around corner with a pan
Haho!
Yeah.
Whos calling?
Youre not going to take it?
Ohohohoh.
Youre not going to get it though?
Copy that.
Andy.
You have a very important call.
Are you sure? Its really
Really? Because your mother is dead.
Shes dead. She was hit by a bus.
This isnt one of those times. Its the police. They said its the worst theyve ever seen.
Line 2.
Oh.
Drive carefully!
Its right here in PA.
Im in.
Cool. Thanks.
Yeah
Mm-hmm.
Oh. D.P.A. sounds way more important that total deaths.
Oscar
Interesting.
No!
Get out of here!
Hunger for chicken chimichangas. Right
Hoo-hoo!
Although I was watching a movie and Merryl Streep had two secretaries.
Got it. I know exactly which stapler to give her.
Here you go.
Well thats a sales desk.
Thats adorable. How on earth did you get him in a ladle?
He just rolled out and crawled out.
I love Jessica
Oh no
Thats OK
Jessica. Yes. We dont say hi
Sorry
Wow.
Which is funny
Scoliosis. Had to wear a back brace for three years but I never did.  Jessica laughs
Oh.
Uh
OK.  takes shot
Whoo! Jiminy Christmas!
Hit er up.
Yeah!
I want.. my sugar free cookie
Whoo!   Thank you.
Thank you.
A thousand.
Maybe you should mind your own business.   Just kidding!
Hey
I hope you guys get married....and who knows? Maybe at the wedding
And later on tonight
Hey.
Every martini has an olive.
Hey
Its about you.
Its that I wish Jessica was dead.
I wish she was in a graveyard! Under the ground...with worms coming out of her mouth.
Too late! Its already been wished! And you promised it would come true. You wrote it in an email! So
Hey.
Hey.
Game on.
I would like another alcohol.
And...
And you have any advice or anything?
...Help me feel better...
Thank you
Does anyone have a first aid kit?
Okay
What is it?
I did my part
Flying jib.
Dunder Mifflin. Jessica
Im not going to be one of those exes who cant move on. They have their life and I have mine. Im taking an Italian class. So far Ive learned tortellini
I will patch you through right now. You sound really pretty today. Okay.
Oh
How do you know where I live?
Why?
Oh. Come on.
Wow. Andys such a weird stalker. Following me home like that when he has a girlfriend? I should get a restraining order.
Funny how we can be surrounded by people and still feel so lonely. Hi.
How is everything? Hows your car?
Is that so? How about this weekend we take that sucker to a duck pond or something? Maybe get caught in the rain?
Oh
Hi.
I guess Andy isnt totally over his current girlfriend. But
Hey
What you doing?
Ow.
Come on
Yeah.
Oh!
Stop it. Dwight
Oh Dwight!
Stop.
No
Is he looking?   Oh. You can stop.
No
You can actually stop.
Andys not even looking. I think sexy eating is a dead end.
What is the most romantic possible thing?
Dwight
Andy
Dang it! What the heck already?
Yes! Woo!
Dwight
Hes not looking.   Hey!
Dwight
One more?
Mush
Go! Okay. Yeah.
Ive got this!   Charge! Go! Go!
Sure. Sure we did.
Hey
Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
So I kind of stepped on this. I think its yours.
The Bernard family seal. Duh.
Sorry if your special night was ruined.
Oh
Andys confused. Thats not what I was hoping for
Hey! Jims back from jury duty.
What was the case?
Ooh
Ah! Angela had the baby!
Ah
We should all go to the hospital and visit her.
Got it
Hes more than substantial. Hes a monster.
Is he really five pounds?
Because I squat with five pounds. This-  squats
Oh
Hi.
And heres the fax for you.
Ah! Love to learn.
So...
Were pin twins.
Yeah. Thats cute. When I saw it in CVS it made me gag too.  Andy laughs
For a while there I thought something would change. But nope. Andys still with Jessica
Absolutely. Works for me.

Hey guys
I do. I really do. I think it would be a nice way to clear my head.
Either or. But if you can find someone to fill in
Really? Oh
Im going to Florida.....and Im not coming back.
Yeah. And they should have a place where people can check their computers or printers before they see you so you dont have to carry it around like a dope. Like a coat check.   Oh
Goodbye for a very very long time.
Oh. I was reading the mattress tag and I fell asleep.
Stanley
Hey
What do you think happened?
Hey
Who says none of us are diarrheal?
Yeah!
Jim
How long will he be gone?
Well
Packers giving one.   Jimll probably give ours
Lets see
Do a hundred jumping jacks.
I dont feel like it either!
Ninety-seven
Retail consumer habits.
Convenience.
Service.
Building loyalty.
Famous
Im sorry to have wasted your time.
And I will have waffle with your mapliest syrup.
Oh
A hotel waffle. I know what I want to eat. Is that crazy?
Im moving down here
Im young
Hey.
Whoa. the lights are still on.
I like how guys just know stuff all the time.
Hello
Okay
... a measuring cup...
Its the fuzz!
Hey.
Hey.
A lot of fun.
You should move down here with me.
We could be roommates.
We could get a dog. We could go to R-rated movies. And who knows
Maybe in six months-
Hey Strangers. So stoked for the Sabre store opening.
Hey
I was ahead of you!
Come on. I was in line before you.
Uh yeah. I already bought my Pyramid
We are closed! Come on.
Sorry about kicking you out. Its just
Youre not married yet?
My best friend was my boss
Yeah! Forget him! And you should forget your husband.
Hellosi
I got it. It was so busy at the store today. Really good cheese samples. I had
Irene hired me as her live-in helper. We met at the store launch. I told her I was moving here and I needed a place and it just sort of made sense. I basically do everything for her.   I run errands. I do chores around the house. I cook and clean. Honestly
Well
Oh
Can you help me? Im trying to make a video chat with Andy.
Can you just do it?
Erin123
All right.
Thats so weird. Theres something wrong with my laptop.   Oh. I fixed it.
Yes
This is a tanned spot.
Well
I have a job here. I work for an old lady.
Andy?
Another beautiful day in Tallahassee. Ooh. Good morning
How are you? Hows your family doing?
Bye.
Look at this place! Five rooms
Im in the bathroom.
Yes.
Andy
Uh
Um
Hey... dont listen.
Oh
So you came to get me
You didnt even stop to pee? Gross.
Oh
Ive heard thats amazing when it works.
Andy
No
Andy
You broke my heart more recently and more often. And I think at some point
I know.
Really? cause youve been kind of a B to him all afternoon.
Irene
Why?
Andy wait!   Andy! Andy wait! Dont go! Andy I love you! Stop! Oh
Andy.
Lets get out of here.
Lets go.
No
I dont have one.
No.
I just... theres always one around.
I always find one. Have you ever heard of buying a toothbrush?
Going to Pennsylvania.
Oh. That must be nice.
Oh
No.
Yes.
Yes. So do I.
Important.
Well
I think we should try again. This time
What?
What is it? I didnt sleep well last night.
So
Okay Andy
Andy-
No
But... theyre penises.
Maybe we should just go.
That was a really rough scene.
Yeah.
Oh
Yeah. Yes
Probably from seeing that turkey.
When we drove by the farm. Oh. Always does it.
What? Why are we-
Uh-oh!  laughs
...his girlfriends back!
Thank you.
When I see him start to get mad
There you go.   Hey. were gonna have a nice
Hey. So last night was so not a big deal.
We both were. Plus
Really. Its not a big deal.
When you lost the manager job-
Did it affect you outside of the office?
I dont know what the technical term is... Penial softiosis?
Oh
Okay.
Oh.
Okay
Dwight!
You promised!
Toby
Shut up. Shut up! I am sick of your dumb opinions. And if you dont like the way that I take phone messages
And Andy is the manager
And why dont you take all your stupid memos and your stupid pens and your dumb caramels?
Maybe well get sent to anger management together.
Here-
But you hurt your hand.
Right now?
Oh thats Andy. Hes just hanging out
Hey
Andys just coming as my date.
Oh God!
Hes great. were all great. Twelve dogs. This my life now
Youre going to be alright
So some of us ended up adopting those elderly dogs. Its been great!
Hey.
Oh.
Andy
This dumb rule Robert made
No
Jim
Theres a call for you on line one.
He says salvation. No last name.
Okay
I know this is going to be a great payoff.
But after youre manager
Just calibrate. Okay? Calibrate.
No
Hes not hitting me. But
No
Andy tells me about seeing David Wallace all the time.
Oh my God.
Andys coming back today! Andys coming back today! Ha! Andys coming back today. David Wallace sent him on an outward bound wilderness adventure for a whole month to make him more decisive and confident. He sent his own son too. And the counselors said they both grew up
Im so happy for you Kelly.
Andys coming back today!
Andys here! Old Dwight
Yeah
Yeah
Oh
Well
Yeah
Well
Oh yeah
Well
You mean
Maybe
Whoo!
I never really thought much about being more than a receptionist. But
Yeah.
No
This is a first for me. And
Afghan president Hamid Karzai declared a new policy of dollar days throughout the country. Promising low
A little bit here
For Channel 11 news
For Channel 11 news... Im Erin Hannon.
Got it. For Channel 11 news...
Im Erin Hannon.
Oh.
Oh god.
Tuh.
The victim was released from the hospital with second-degree burns.
Well
Aw!
Great! Lets get some food. Im starving.
Im hungry.
OK.
Hey
Heyyy! Study buddies!
Getting things done. Awesome!
Sil vous plait...dites-Moi...Ugggghhh les Bleagh!
Im just trying to fit in better with Andys family. They all speak more than one language. Usually when Im there!
Yeah! Lets do it!
Oh!
I was intimidated by Andys family before. And now I have to see the First Lady at holidays? Shes gonna be like
Foth aggendak!
Foth aggendi!
Foth aggenda!
Forth aggenda!
Wah!! Aggenda!!
Addor!
Qazer!
Azem choma! Chomakka-attun!
Vos!
Because of your slaves.
Well
Dwight
Dothraas! chek!
Hmmm!
Sorry.
Im trying. Sorry.
Oh
I wish! No
Absolutely. I know exactly what they want to hear. I would love to help.
Just dont tell Andy
Yes!
Yeah Jim!
Always say that a child is placed for adoption
Never say that.
I am so excited thinking about this child youre going to adopt.

Hey guys.
Pam
No
Uh
Jim

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
Stop it stop it stop it stop it!
What is with these turkeys?
Hey! You better do ‘Faith. You get me?
So learn it. You all go to Cornell
Buts... are for pooping. Okay? Make it work. You have to or Andy will flip out... And make it a surprise
The more I hear about all this a capella drama
Are you okay?
Okay!
Yeah.
Oh well
Yeah.
Oy. Andy
Well
Well
Oh.
Whats wrong?
She could get like sixty packages of Ramen noodles for five bucks. She could eat for a month.
Dont you guys have that place where you used to spend your summers and have all those memories?
See? I bet you wouldnt sell that Jiffy Lube for all the money in the world. Would you Darryl?
Oh yeah
Oh no
Hey! My teeth are all this stuff in my mouth.
Oh
Ok
Ok
Well
Then screw lunch. Lets go for a sunset sail.
Ok
Yeah! OK! Lets go.
Of course
Alright.
Lets do it!
Thats yours?
Oh my gosh
I thought it was gonna be tiny. Oh my gosh its beautiful. So this is how your family came to America.
Gee
What does that one do?
I wish I had seen you do it.
Yeah.
Well
Andy
As long as were on this boat
Yeah.
Yeah.
Nice!
Do you even know what youre doing?
Bahamas
Oh
Yes
OK!
Thanks for covering the phones.
Fine.
Does he have a flipper?
He sounds like an idiot.
Ok.
Thanks.
Last week Andy set sail for the Bahamas to sell his familys boat
Oh
Yeah.
Andy? Andy! Andy! Andy. Oh.
Hes in the bathroom.
Of course.
Eat it Stanley!
Hello.
I am? Hmm..   Hi
Hes absolutely right. Im really struggling.
Its just up and down
Yes.
Uh!
Sorry
I know. Thats great. It just - it makes it look like theres an eyebrow in the middle of your face.
A handsome eyebrow
But um

Yay!
Whoo!
Um
Okay
Dunder Mifflin. This is Erin. Yes
Yeah!
Oh...Hey
I mean
Wait
I havent seen it.
Mm-Mmm.
I dont know
No.
None of this makes any sense to me!
Nerd! Do you know every line of the movie?
Okay
Die hard. Every line. Go.
Dont change the subject.
Movie is starting.
On a computer
I dont know. This looks pretty legit.   Oh
What up
So what comes next?
We should just watch the movie. That makes much more sense.
No. No more talking. Its movie time.
Oh
Mm.
Do you think Andy would ever jump off an exploding building tied to a hose for me?
Im still Andys girlfriend.
But you can leave your arm.
Good morning
Oh
Trust me
Holy wow
Oh
Next!
Lice. More lice.   Angela has lice.
Ooh yabber
Yikers
Oh yeah
No! Stanley! If you leave now then youll get it in your car and then youll get it in your house!
Im trying to save you from yourself!
No
To be washed.
No
Yes
Ok
Once its all over your head
Okay
Oh
I feel it working.   Eiffel tower!
Dwight
Wow. He got to purple.
Youre up.
You do kinda look like Elvis
Okay. Okay.   Is that too cold?
Mhm. Cover that. What does that mean
What? Everything? What
Hi guys!
Sorry. Super-busy. Pens coming in later
Thank you!
I dont really have time to think about Pete right now. I just have a lot going on with this whole shipment of pens. And I have a lot of people trusting me
The pen delivery went amazing
No
No
Pens
You left me in charge of the pens
Well
Its just Pete in sunglasses.
And then we had him Like Dunder Mifflin.
So far
All right.
Pete and I work well together -- not that theres anything special about Pete. It could be any guy... or girl-- not that Im into girls. Not that Im into Pete. Ugh! What was the question?
Oh
Wow. That guys really into paper.
We did it. Youth task force forever.
No
Oh
Im just gonna say this one more time. Pete and I havent done anything.
Okay
Nellie
Hello
Oh
I guess we dont have a choice.
Yeah.
Dunder Mifflin
Pam
Hes around here somewhere.
Yeah
Nobody knows it yet
as Darryl descends stairs
Nothing. Won him at the carnival. Spent a ton on tickets
Ha
Aw
I thought thats what you were doing.
Oh. They used worse paint than your paint?
I thought you wanted paint on the whole thing.
Hey! Wanna play hookey today?
We can do anything you want.
I really wanna have fun today because tomorrow is going to be a nightmare. Andys coming back from his stupid
Wanna play catch in the parking lot?
Great.
Perfect.
Andy!
Yes.   Welcome back
Me too. So much. Im so happy.
I am really
He only emailed me four times.
Hey!
Guys. I know that a lot of people are mad at Andy and
Fish sounds great.
Really playing the scales
I dont love you anymore.
I still like you
I just said there isnt love.
I guess.
You got really sunburned.
Ugh.
You really think we can get that back?
Hi.
I couldnt do it.
Im sorry.
Were breaking up. And just so you know
Good morning.
Yes. Pete and I have started seeing each other and Andy still doesnt know. We thought that keeping it secret was more considerate to him. And hot for us. I mean I saw Petes butt. Its sick.
I...
..just have some messages for you.
Well no
I cant. I-
These are messages from clients who want to buy paper.
Well I only want to talk about work right now.
Well
Listen to him
See? We can all be friends!
Just
Hi.
Yes. The consultant. Andy said you can start right away so I will take you to your desk.
Just keep walking
Oh
What
Oh.
Thats so random.
Andy also hired a management consultant today. Oh no.
So Andy just called you up out of the blue?
Yeah.
How are you doing? Is it really rough?
Gabe!
Hey
Gabe
I didnt ask you to get that Nike Swoosh. Nobody did! You did that for you!
Well
He didnt even say that.
Gabe
What is that supposed to mean?
I dont want you to shave everything.
What do you-!
Dwight. What a ridiculous
What color is it?
Oh
Hey.
Hey Dwight
Hey.
I sneezed into my hands without using Purell and then dipped into the candy jar. Did they film that?
Didnt you get the memo? Its Stairmageddon!   Come on Stanley!
Dwight is having maintenance done on the elevator today
Come on! Come on
Come on!
Come on. You got this. Here.
Though it mostly focuses on the daily realities of office life
I bet its Katie Couric. Ive been saying this for years.
Oh
Andy!
Oscar is with the Senator too?
Oh. Hey
I did. I got some really good sleep.
Bzzz.
Clarks a dead man.
Nellie
Hey. Why dont you back off? ...I mean best of luck to you in the competition.
Growing up in an orphanage
Nice.
Yeah! Oh! Eat it piggy! Eat it! Oink oink oink oink!
I cant hear what you said.  snorting
What?
Wow.
Yeah!
Dammit! Dammit
Sorry Im mad! I dont like losing! I thought I was going to win!
Sorry. Sorry. Im going to go upstairs and just...
Oh
Lately
Yes
So true. Is there a question
Bluntly? Yes. Huge mistake. Andy
I had no idea. And here Ive been stapling the same way for 20 years like a frickin sheep.
Actually
Well
Just forget it. Forget I said anything.
The tea in Nepal is very hot.
The tea in Nepal is very hot.
Close.
Colder.
No
But
Aw
Darryl?! Darryl!
You left us without saying goodbye.
Are you kidding? You broke our hearts. Get upstairs.
Get upstairs
Oh
Listen guys
We have our decision.
We want to dance with you.
One dance
Absolutely.
Yes!  Stanley
Ok
You have to change the channel to PBS.
But theres a documentary coming up. Everyone in the bar will love it.
A paper company.
Whoo!
Oh!
Phyllis!
Hows Florida?
Really?
Thank you.
Maybe sometimes. But not like hate hate. More just like
Yes?
Yes? Is there a follow-up question?   Mom?
I dont know. Ive just always been really good at dancing.
How did you do it? How did you capture what it was really like? How we felt and how made each other laugh and how we got through the day? How did you do it? Also
West Virginia
farts popcorn.
Take me home
Oh man.
Hes in a meeting.
Mr. Schofields ready to see you now
Uh
Oh-
Must be nice to have company on these cold calls.
How exciting! Do you guys know the s*x yet?
Have a seat. Um
Uh... um shell be right in.
If youd like to reach an outside line
Michael
Really?
Dwight
Maybe we should schedule a meeting on our-
Why dont you guys just e-mail me your best offers and we can finish it up that way?
Uh
Excuse me?
Well
Then you cant afford to pay him anything.
Your prices are too low.
Why do you think Staples and Dunder Mifflin cant match your prices?
Yeah
But you need to use a variable cost pricing model.
Okay.
As you sell more paper and your company grows
...business expansion--
At these prices
Theyre actually putting you out of business.
Its a program. Theres no such thing--
Crunch.
Oh
Its pretty important. He wouldnt want to be disturbed. Can I give him a message before he gets off?
Ill let him know.
Hi. Im Jessica. Im looking for Andy?
Oh!   Oof!
Oh.
Hi.
Oh
Oh.
Ah..
Spontaneous scoliosis.
Thank you.
Thats uh
No
OK.
Did you not...
Oh my god. How could somebody do that?
I dont know what I was thinking
Uh huh.
Um
Ill see you at home?
OK
Bye  ...I still dont get why you cant just call her a cab and pay for it.
Oh
OK   Bye.
Wow.
What are you doing?
Gross. Im getting a drink. Do you want anything?
Hey.
No
Dive in right here.
Okay. You dont know what youre doing.
Come on. Lets chicken fight those two.
Yes!
Yeah! Great!
Here we go!   Yes!
I cannot believe it either.
Andy! Hey!
Hey.
Sorry. Its kind of a madhouse.
I dunno.
Uh
Uh
Youre breaking up with me?
Oh my God. Are you leaving me for Erin? You said she wasnt relationship material and she wasnt as good as me
What?
Andy
I cant say it doesnt make sense...
Look
What are you doing here?
Go away.
Theres girl in there.
Where?
The other room?
Down the hall.
Whatd I just say?
Forget the sandwich. Girls. Girls.
What other room?
Theres girls in there?
You have another sandwich?
Ah
Woah. Homemade?
Is there a... Meredith here?
I dont hear cheaters
You suckers are goin down! Theyre gonna wipe their asses with your serves! Piss all over your faces!
Its true!
Heres an accounting question for you : what does one fiance plus one lover equal? Answer : one whore.
What? She is sitting there
No way! You dont mean that!
Hey Michael.
Id love an iced tea
Were designing a house.
For us.
I like that. Put me down for a pair. Im a size 34 waist.
You guys are really gonna do this?
I loved it. You know
Michael.
Hi.
Im
Was I supposed to bring you guys something?
Surprise.
I wanted to see you. How are you?
Oh
Just now.
Just now. Hey
Pleased to see you. Thank you.
Yeah
Is everyone here kind of mean?
Oh.
Hey
He smells awful.
Great.
What is he talking about?
Are we losing our jobs or not
Youve got to be kidding me! Youve got to be kidding me! Were the best branch in the company! I cant believe it.
David
And?
00.
00?
Come on
Oh - oh.



rush into office
approaching elevator
There you go. Is there anything else I can do?
Mm hmm.
Mm-kay.
What are you talking about?
At Tinks?
Howd you know about that?
Did Stanley tell you?
No
No.
What are you talking about?
He was with somebody.
I learned that a company can describe their internship as full of exciting experiences
I learned that if you look even the tiniest bit like Jet Li

No thanks.
I learned that half these peoples email password is password.
I thought it was 500.
Julia Stiles.
Ahh!
You are one of the good ones
No
Aww. Are you going to sing for us?
Thats not like you. Thats not like you. Come on
Oh. Hello. Hey everybody
Why the hell did you come back here?
Definitely.
Sad.
Halpert...
Great.
Oh
Oh
One moment while I check.
Im sorry
Oh
Yes. Schrute.
Sure. No problem.
Heres your key
So
No.
Oh.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
I wasnt sure about your branch of the family. After I heard about your parents divorce. But you and Jim are just perfect. God bless you.
Well... I wouldnt care to live if I thought that.
Whats obvious? Why cant Pam drink?
They were living together?
I should have known. The hotels television set had a movie on called Bruno last night. The remote control had so darn many buttons on it
Oh. Youre that foul guy that kept talking about intercourse.
I want to go to bed but I cant. I cant turn that television off.
Oh. Thank you.
It was that horrible Charlie Rose.
People are like cats and dogs these days.
This used to be such a great country.
I dont know what happened to it.
You mean
Id like you to meet Christy Kelly.
No no. Shes my girlfriend. Hey? Can you make room at the head table?
Why would they make the bad man a boss if youre so much smarter?
I found the needle in the haystack!
I dont know!
Im sorry
Im sorry.
Nice to meet you
Im so sorry.
Is it zipping over your belly? Dont squish the baby.
Mom
I begged them not to.
I know you specifically put this song on your Do Not Play list.
Im sorry.
Wait
Okay then!
Jim and Pam
Wait. Youre worried about your horses? Thats cool. How many horses do you have?
Hmm-hmm.
Yeah. So you sure you dont want breakfast? Its the most important meal of the day.
Thats really sweet
K.
Bye.
Hey
Hello stranger. How do I look?
Um...   nothing. Anymore.
Im standing. Im a bridesmaid.
Hey.
Of course.
Um
Mm-hmm.
A girl like me is why a guy like you comes to a place like this.
Do you?
Oh
Three brothers.
Two are in the Marines
No. I love meat.
O-negative. Universal donor.
You are amazing at this. How did you get so good?
Whack!
Whack!
Well
What are you talking about?
Whack!
Thank you.
Good morning. How can I help you?
You must be Mr. Malone. One moment please.
Sir. Its the man with the shoes.
I can offer you a complimentary breakfast.
Vancouver Court Hotel
Well
Um
Uh
...Oh
Uh-huh. Seven nights in our street-view economy single?
Yeah
Yeah
There is a cancellation fee for this
Mr. Malone. Your shoes are gone.
No. Destroyed.
The bag was opened by our shoe shine and the smell overcame him. I too smelled them and made the choice that they must be thrown away. Incinerated actually.
It became a safety issue
everybody see Kristies stupid blonde extensions? Its like they were made from a plastic broom.
Oh darling! You look beautiful.
Oh
Are you sure? Remember you dont have to do this. You dont.
Oh
No.
Oh
Oh--
Oh that sounds awful.
Oh--
Yeah. Guess it is.
Excuse me
Sisters in the can and we totally want to get her when she comes back.
Yes!
Hey. What happened?
Ah.
As a manager of business
But you also got a lot of responsibility
None greater perhaps
God forbid you... should have a fire in the warehouse.
Yeah
You will be hearing from me Mr. Scott.
I can be very very persistent.
Would you look at that people? What an unpredictable world we live in
Mr. Scott.
Hi. Angelo Grotti.
So
This is one of those half booths
Waitress
If you want to supplement your coverage
Yeah
Look closely Michael. I feel theres a plan here for you.
How about you? Maybe you can use supplemental coverage of some kind. Anybody can get hurt! You always think
Come on! Lady in distress? Go! Go!
Im sure he can handle a simple jump-start. Now come on
Where were we?
Now if you could just sign this letter of intent
Arent you a mechanic? Why wouldnt you put oil in the car?
Look Mike
This is Grotti.
Oh! Great. Michael
I
What?
I dont get it. How was I scaring you?
Look
Oh no. Fabulous.
Singing
When you coming home Dad?
I dont know when-
But well get together then
Hello Mr. Halpert. Im calling from the identity theft department at Capital One. Weve detected some unusual activity on your credit card.
First would you mind verifying your home address?
And may I have the last four numbers of your Social Security Number?
Well Mr. Halpert. Youre obviously not in San Juan Puerto Rico.
Im going to go ahead and put a hold on your card.
Very funny sir. Well get a new card out to you right away.
Have a nice day
Get out and stay out
Dont come back.
You dont even know how to drive! Bye Andy! Loser! Nice car!
Well
Some couples dont seem like a good match. You two do.
And a baby on the way? You must be so excited.
Oh. I know the best teacher. Her name is Miss Janet.
Yeah!
Thats great!
Whoohoo! Pammy?
Thank you.
Wait a minute.   Is that another birthday present for me cause you already gave me a necklace.
Tell her how you gave it to me.
He put it around my neck while I was still asleep this morning. What a nice way to wake up.
So
Well
Oh my God!
Well
Oh youll love it. You can have my guide books. I think Im done with those really long plane rides.
Sticking with 49.
Well
No. Im 58.
Uh huh.
Oh
Oh
Oh
Oh no
Hmm... I might have done it when I was younger
Oh--
No
You want to go snowboarding?
Michael
Im sure I wont.
Gimme. Look at this wrapping paper. Its got the word love on it in every language.
opens present
Ok
It was from the wishing well at the mall. You threw it in. I went back later
A poem!
I can not go to school today said little Peggy Ann McKay...
Um-- I have the measles and the mumps
I think its wonderful
God... its a scrapbook.
Oh
Hmmm?
I
Im 58. What am I supposed to do now?
Well
Ooh
Hello
Im
Love you.
Michael?
Itll go away in time just dont touch it.
What did you think we were?
I think for you to have come here even expecting that we can have a conversation like this shows ho-how self deluded you are! Michael
holding the baby
Youve already had four.
Youre lucky to be alive.
Lets just make sure that everythings... Working properly...  leans in closer to Michael and the heart rate monitor
Hi
Now
Im sorry
Um
August the 5th
Well by now youve figured out that ol Beatrix Bourbon was the killer.
Car seats eight.
The car seats eight.
Yeah
No
Mr. Scott?
Im Laurie.
Thank you for joining us. Come with me.
Ok. If you just want to follow me Ill take you up to the lounge.
After you
For those of you with questions
No.
Not supposed to talk about it. Nelly Furtado.
Im just gonna run to the bathroom. Will you save my place?
Excuse me?
Itll just be a second.
Sure.
Youre a criminal.
Limousine?
Youre all corrupt. You should be in jail.
You havent said anything yet and were headed for bankruptcy.
How are you gonna fix the company?
What was that about?
Excuse me?
Who the hell is this guy?
Hes our best manager? Wheres the off button on this moron?
He can take the bus. Hes had his limo ride.
Mr. Scott?
Im good.
Its in the music room
Everyones so excited that youre here today.
Now
Im sure you remember this place.
Do you want to go in?
We just want to say thanks.
You lied to us.
Mr. Scott! Mr. Scott! Mr. Scott!
Oh! What? Oh! Break it down! Hey
Hey

Yeah!  cheers
Mr. Scott
Politicians are always coming around
Lets put your hands together and give a warm welcome for the man of the hour
Oh
You came into our lives and made a promise
There were a lot of times over the years where I was pressured to get into the drug game. But I always thought back to my guardian angel
You owe this to us!
Hey
That was messed up what you did.
Who does something like that? Who promises that to a bunch of kids and then just doesnt come through like that?
You can pay for my college.
Theyre expensive.
Its about $1
No
Okay. Okay. Make it out to my mom
Im Zion
Hi
Hey Mr. Scott
Hey.
Uh
Matts a pretty good-looking dude
The Sabre shipping method could be more efficient. Combining inventory systems makes sense on paper
Not at all. Theres a way that it can be scheduled. I sketched this out downstairs.
Are you serious?
Absolutely.
Thank you.
Moving on up
Not bad
I impressed her with my good ideas.
I made a suggestion at the meeting that was good. You were there.
Now Mike
Hey! What are you fellas doing up here?
I wish
Oh. Yeah
Take a shot.
Wow
Andy look
And Id blow your mind.
Where you been?
Cables out.
Look
Is it any particular branch of Washington University?
W.U.P.H.F.
They only want it for the initials.
Yeah
If everybody wants to sell
opens the door the Ryans office
You got this crazy opportunity to get our money back. Tell Mike To Sell.
Its not that we dont believe in the company
What is wrong with you? What happened to you in High School?
I gave up a lot of weekends because I thought itd be good for my daughter to see a black man as president. Even in a silly home movie. What a stupid waste of time.
So this new computer you found in the warehouse.
Yeah
Maybe you could go back down there and see if you can find me some extra sick days.
Really? Cause I think maybe I saw five.
Aw
Boo!
I saw three ships come sailing in
Call
I dont think so.
I had some.
Nice to meet you Oscar.
Its Matt.
Hey
I dont know. Im free. If you hear of anything going on
Hey
Anyone up for some hoops?
Lets do it.
Hello
Yes.
Calculating. Calculating. Pacific!
The NFL celebrated its 50th anniversary in 1972.
Mul Yam in Tel Aviv is better.
Are you calling me wrong?
Computron experiencing emotion.
Ok.
Please dont. Computron -
wants to live.
Hi.
Oh. Okay. And to you.
Um
We are very impressed with this branch and we are so excited about this merger.
Um
Most of our business comes from selling printers. So dont think of yourselves as paper salesmen anymore
At Sabre
We have a policy here at Sabre where we are
Actually
Ok
Little cups? Like paper or plastic or... ?
Ok
Oh
Which ones?
Well
You know what? Let me see what I can do.
First let me say that I told them everything you wanted me to say
Ok
I dont - its just...
This is Michael Scott
This is Accounting.
Over here is Meredith Palmer and Creed Bratton.
That is Jim Halpert
Oh
Um. I set my stuff up in there. So... just give me a few minutes to clean that out for you.
You never know with Jo. Sometimes were here til midnight. Sometimes she doesnt show up for three days.
Yeah
Michael
Michael
But you do. You are in charge -
- of supporting the sales staff. You are required to hand out those leads
Okay
Good.
Why do you keep repeating -
This is violent and offensive.
Its awful.  reaches for tissue box
You have some food on your face.
The beginning here has been a little bit of a fiasco. Either they dont respect me or they respect me too much. And some of them still think that Im the I.T. guy. This Cookie Monster thing is an opportunity to show people that Im an authority figure.
Hello
And thats straight from corporate. So not to be scary
Guys
Ok.
I should probably get involved in this
Ok. Ok there. I heard that. So Im sorry
Yeah
I dont want to hear it. Suspended.
So I can reprimand them but I cant suspend them. Oh I cant do either. Uh huh. Fair enough.
Hey everyone. Hi. Quite an afternoon
Great.
Guys
Guys
That was ugly. Im sorry you had to see that.
Its tacky to discuss finances. Its best to pretend that this never happened.
Can I buy everyone coffees?     Or cookies.
Alright.
You got to be able to laugh at yourself. Im one of the gang.
Why dont we say ciao to the impressions?
You would have weekly conference calls with executives in corporate. A two-week training program at the Yale school of management
Oh
You have to be a minority.
Those dont really count. Were thinking more ethnic and racial minorities.
Hmm?
Well...
What?
Yeah
Darryl withdrew his application. He said the Yale program interfered with his softball league
Yeah
Thats very nice.   I never noticed that before.
Yeah. I dont want to be offensive but
Well
Everyone
Theyre going to be pretty pleased in Tallahassee that I snagged an Indian for the program. Shell be the first. The programs mostly black. Its almost too black. That didnt sound right.
Theres no way that you guys have any almond butter
Thats weird. I havent heard of that happening. I would even settle for apricot preserves.
I dont know. Call HQ
I talked to corporate. Turns out there have been 12 reports of faulty printers. Out of 400
Guys?
Can you two please join me in my office? Now.
I dont wanna be the heavy here
Good. Okay. End of the dressing down. I just hate that part of the job
Okay. Thats great
Im sure you got my email about the printer fires. The one with the branching decision tree? I actually designed that chart. Kinda hoping it catches on.   Anyway
Are you leaving? Oh
All right. Uh
What a rich timbre your voice has. Okay
Uh
Uh
I know you want to make your movie
But it does say that you can not bring weapons into work...

Where? Theres nowhere to run!   Okay...
You can not sneak up on people wielding weapons anymore. Its petrifying and frankly
Look
Really?
People usually say my voice is really nasally. Stepdad says I sound like Truman Capote
I would love to.
Um
Huuh.
She assumed it was just another typical day at work.
You cant bring weapons into work

Third Floors the harm!
Hey
Sorry
Im gonna head back to Siberia there. Ciao.
I started dating Erin this summer. It has been
Thatd be hilarious. Uh
Those overnight packages needed to go out
Michael
Legal says the best way to protect us from a lawsuit is to call this a stress-induced outburst. You will have to undergo six sessions of counseling.
Good. Well
And
The alternative is termination.  Michael stares off
Yeah.
Right
Thank you so much.
Oh boy. Can you get every department heads signature on this so I can back this up to corporate?
So
That is not how it seems to me.
You marked severe in all the categories
Im back! Ha ha. Pam
Great.
The problem
At all.
Pam
I dont want to say it.
Mm-hmm.
Statements of such nature
Will do... Can I get one of those name plates... that says Gabe Lewis?
Nope.
This wasnt really about Meredith was it. You and Erin are broken up.
I asked you if it was ok if I asked her out. You said
Ill let this slide
In case you cant read m-m-my Poker Face...   we will be reviewing our sales policies.  accepts note from Michael
When our warehouse workers make deliveries
That is correct.
Not here.
Okay
Uh uh. Corporate stole nothing
Okay...
In the future
Okay
Ohh. Dropping bombs
Yeah.
Youre right
Okay. Were going to table the hat question. The best ideas are going to come to me
Okay
Michael
Well
Okay
So these are your cheeses
You dont really toss the dough.
Welcome to my Man Cave! I did my senior year in prog in Japan. Best year of my life.
Oh! I like to play soundscapes. I imagine one instant of a song
Its a little loud...
Some of us are trying to have a conversation.
Ill just turn the captions on.
Thats for the other box.
Lets go ahead and wash our hands.
Yep! Waste not right?
Erin you dont have to...
Michael! You are making this harder than it has to be.
Its still on upstairs.
See ya Oscar!
What happened?
How much?
Ive got just the thing!  leaves
Is this job really about the money for you
When youre dealing with a large organization
Nudity makes me uncomfortable.
My gym allows it. I wish they didnt
Hey
Can you at least try to look busy?
Gabe Lewis.
Well
Oh my God
We just want to say how grateful we are.
Kelly
Erin and I make great use of ours.
Yes
Im not sure the temporary replacement of an H.R. rep really warrants a party.
Yet another opportunity where a blanket would have come in handy.
Intercepted!
Whoops.
I picked out our movie. Its called Suspiria. It pushes all the boundaries. All your preconceived notions about what horror can be come crashing down.
Ooh.
It is hard to explain why Erin is doing so well today. The only thing I can think is Erin is living out some Slumdog Millionaire scenario
So
Well
So I got us a compromise. This movies called Hardware. It tells the story of a killer combat robot
Nice guy.
No no. No no no.
Ok.   No no no.
Ok
Unless we can all agree to some ground rules. Its either that or I can fax this to Joe and let her decide how to proceed.
Number one
Number two : no pop culture references.
I think we can all agree that they tend to alienate those who dont get the reference
Ok final thing
Sticky Quips are fun. They are safe. They are handy. I like to use Sticky Quips as regular Post-It notes when I am in a fun mood.   Not every day.
Go get em. Start quipin.
So what
Oh
Hey...
Too late! Oh. Ha. An IM chat. Very clever. Ill just print that out. Come on guys. Grow up. I dont want to be your babysitter.
Darn it Bob. I told you not to buy a Sabre brand lifeboat.
No
Wake up
Uh
Umm... You dont have to sniff my rear end anymore
Tasteless?
More tasteless than this...is that a palm tree or did Gabe get skinnier? Either way
Uh
Oh
I know what it smells like but I didnt roll in anything. Its from listening to all of Gabes bull .   Isnt this the perfect romantic getaway
Gabes mom... hmm... Gabes mom? Wait. Tall woman? Looks like Gabe? Yeah
And what do we have here?
Come on.
I dominate Valentines Day. I practically make romance into a science.
Oh
Well
The puzzle is the clue.
I hear them kissing all the time. Its this horrible plipping sound. You know
Thank you all for meeting on such sort notice.
Yes?
Seeing as its Valentines Day
First things first. An office romance is permissible. Not something youd expect to hear from corporate. Well
I get it. Andys slamming my girlfriend. Very funny. What I do not approve of
They dont touch. They dont kiss. You would hardly even know that they were husband and wife.
Okay. So
Yeah
Butt honking. Yeah
Sure. Basically
Maybe you find your own chair.
You have to cut it out.
No one is a bigger fan of sexual touching than me. But with you two
Number two : Youre desperately trying to fit in a whole relationship before Toby comes back from jury duty and Holly has to go back to Nashua. Or three : Youre at an age where your sexual climaxes arent as powerful so you need to overcompensate with foreplay
Im such a klutz!
Will you marry me?
First things first
Ahh. There you go. Get a recommendation from Michael. Thatll put you right on the shortlist for next time theres an opening.
What recommendation?
...Im sorry
What?
stands up and walks to stage
Stay away from Erin!
Im your boss!
No
No! You go away!  storms out
Andy walks by with DeAngelo
I need to talk to you!
Someday
Just read the letter under your windshield wiper
Okay...
Im either going to quit today
Oh
320. Just freeballin it.
Give or take.
Umm
Was it Pam?
Well
Total brain burp.
Droswip
Hey
Can I talk to you a second about these client memos?
Are you still in love with Erin?
Because I am. I need to get her back.   I cant be alone anymore. Andy
No. I dont like being alone with me either
Do you promise that?
No
Im sorry. This cant wait.
Erin
Or maybe theres a God. I dont know. I mean
Well... its just...   it messes up my rhythm.
I cant reach Jo. She must already be on the plane.
No! We really shouldnt be without a receptionist. Now more than ever.
Im gonna keep trying Jo.
Hey
Hope Im not interrupting anything.
Hey
I just thought that it was so interesting that you promised that.
No
Yep.
Well... its an interview
How would we know that
Okay
No.
Oh? Uh... we havent started the interview yet. Were you--were you joking?
Whoa! Thats a very heavy accusation to level against Toby.
Well
I have two relationships with Andy. I have a personal relationship
How many windows are there in New York City?
Critical thinking. Common
No... How far away is the Sun?
Shut up about the Sun! SHUT UP about the SUN!  slams fist
Great!   Um
We just have a lot of serious candidates to get through today
What do you want me to say? I mean
A little un-specific.
How would you compare
Okay.
Okay
All right.
I have no idea.
Very unprofessional
How much time do you have? Sales ability? None. Integrity? See sales ability.
Yes
Oh
That sounds like a promotion!
Gotta catch a plane.
Oh
Okay
There are plenty of people who love touching me.  camera zooms to Ryan
I cannot believe that Andy is throwing a party like this just to impress the CEO. Classic Gabe move. Hey Andy
I cant believe I didnt think of toasting Robert. Get in the game
I would also like to toast Robert California. Mr. California
To Robert California
And I overheard
Sweetheart.
Ok where does Gabe factor in?
Yes. Lars and Decoccos
I will make this sexier than you could ever imagine.
laughs
Ok let me go get it.
The cinema of the unsettling is a growing film movement. The most well known film in the genre is an hour long shot of a squirrel with diarrhea.
Yeah it seems like there isnt a narrative.   Maybe the filmmaker realized that even narrative is comforting.
Hey.
Mondays suck.
Hey. I need you to get the paperwork rolling on a new workplace relationship.
Yes. For Gabe.
Whom Im seeing is Val from down in the warehouse.
Im not technically seeing her
Ok
Yeah we had a whole conversation about Mondays...
Toby Im going to tell you her last name tomorrow because shes going to be screaming it tonight.
Hey! Watch it.
Its for protecting my ass. When you suckers lift more than you can handle. Sup
Look at this
I get the sense that Val enjoys a good putdown. Considering thats the only thing I know about her. I will be milking that hard.
Its like a hula hoop. Right. Mele Kalikimaka is the wise way.
The Michelin man called
Hey Darryl
Uh.
Decaf frap-
Hey. Youre welcome.
So
Yes
I could quit. Problem solved.
Well hes probably a drug dealer. Thats the best way to land a hot girlfriend. You just uh get her hooked on blow.
Its one of the most common fetishes.
The Sabre Code of Conduct outlines the governing principles key to establishing and maintaining trust with our employees
Oh
And trustworthy in all your business activities and relationships. Treat one another-
Fun fact. In France
No
Apparently
Okay
Oh
I just dont understand. Its 1865
Abe and Mary are seated watching the show.   Oh Mary this is wonderful... Ok Mary stop your scolding. Ill be quiet.   I need her like I need a hole in the head!     BANG! Ooh  Gabe falls to the ground and the crowd claps
I didnt know Darryl joined.
Nice pelvic bowl. Deep.
Dwight? What are you doing here?
Course I know.
Corporate says to me
You can reduce your prices by ten percent or were going to be finding a new source for our morning bagels. All right.
Yeah. But not just bagels. All unwanted problems. Question: Whats the most important appliance in your house?
Too slow. Its the toilet. And I am the toilet of this office. I flush away annoying problems so others can keep their hands clean. And
CEO to COO. What a difference a letter makes.
Youre really going to like Bill. He
Your wish is my command.
Hey man
Well
I can see you in the jungle now.
I know.
What?
Youre doing great. You know
Dwight
Ow! He went home.
Uh
Ow! Ow! Stephanie
I dont know. All I know is the building.
Yay Robert!
Im feeling eighty-two
Well
Too kind doesnt begin to cover it.
And Gabe-y makes three.
Yup. We could watch some right now if you want. I got a Korean film on my iPod if you want to just- if you have the cables.
And that goes double for me. Ill stay even later than youd like.
So leave.
Everyone
Oh
I love maternity wards. Its the perfect blend of love and horror. Things can go so wrong or so right.
Youve reached Gabe Lewis
You had something important to tell me?
Wait
What happens if youre the hunchback?
Well
Whats in it for GSL?
Got it.
They dont make these cords in boot cut anymore!
Im not just saying this
Guys
Ah! Ha ha ha!
I dont really see what the problem is. Erin doesnt even like s*x
Ive read- and I dont know anything about this personally- but they say prostate stimulation can help.
This is just
I know
Ugh
I remember when people thought biceps were all that. Theyd flex them all night at the discotheque.
Yeah.
Cores critical. There are four tenets of pilates that I live my life by. One – lengthen. Two – elongate.
I love the burn. The burn is where I live.
Speed set. One. Two.
Five. Six.
We got it?
Yeah
Did someone say girl talk?
Sometimes I wonder if I have ovaries in my scrotum
Have you guys been watching any good Korean soap operas? Im pretty deep into Hee-Jungcinderella girl. Although
Uh
Oh
Happy birthday to Gabe!
Hello beautiful.
We absolutely did. Thank you for remembering that.
You know
Yeah. He told me you two broke up.
You must be pretty horny.
Honestly
I still wear Erins button-downs around the condo sometimes. So it feels to me like were still in a relationship-
...a lot of the time.
Oh no no no no no no. She wouldnt even let me say it. It was adorable. She would plug her ears and scream her heat out.
I got a tattoo for you.
Just do it. You were the it that I was just doing.
I technically cannot. I dont have the lung capacity to blow a whistle.
What kind of music are you into
Really? All kinds? So you like songs of hate written by the white knights of the Ku Klux Klan?
Erin
Erin
Give me one night with you...
I have shaved everything...
I am as smooth as a porpoise. {Erin argues
Shove his sashimi!
Hopped off the train in Scranton
Dunder Mifflin is a part of Sob-ray. So yeah
Hey la
So youve just been bought by Sabre. Youve probably got a lot of questions. Hi. Im Christian Slater. Whats it like to work for Sabre? Lets find out together. Working at Sabre means taking on the challenge of the road that rises to meet you. Sabre is respecting the past
Youll find it easy to embrace the Sabre spirit. Welcome. Were very excited to go on this journey with you.
Gabe
Wait a minute
Turn me around. Now.  Michael starts to leave
Oh
Aw
Pardon. Pardon me
So listen
I would take until the end of the day if I were you.
Oh
They love a good crotch.
You should take that as a compliment!
Hello.
Do you always stay seated when a lady enters the room?
I like that.
Good-looking group.
Another couple of heartbreakers. Who is this tall drink of sun tea?
I thought this guy was the manager?
Two guys doing one job? We gotta do something about that!
Yeah. I think I understand.
Each of you is doing half a job.
This is knucklehead talk. Im not gonna bite it
Michael?
I think one of you should return to sales
Well
You can go on. Shoo!
Im Jolene Bennett
Hey!
to Angela
Thats right
Now Dunder Mifflin has an arms reach in all these small businesses all over the northeast. Now were gonna take that arm
Theyre the easiest-to-use printers on the market.
I think thats it. So were all good!   Thanks yall.
Oh
Now Jim here is thinking about taking himself out of the running for being manager.
Really?
Well
You know
I think you   will become the salesman
You two are grown-ass men. What do I have to do
Fine. I dont care which one of you does which job
Oh
Oh
Well
Oh good morning sweetheart.
Im sorry but is that a gift I see in your hands?
Is that a lump of coal?
Have I been that naughty?
Err
Well
Now
Thank you. You know I get way too many ideas from the top. Now I want to hear your ideas. I mean
You know it doesnt have to be an invention.
I am so proud of Sabres Print In All Colors initiative. Any Sabre employee of color
Okay hush now.
But you wouldnt need more trucks?
Oh look at you.
I like this Daryl. I like this a lot. Maybe you should be doing your sketching upstairs. Would you like an office up here?
Yeah. Take Jims old office.
Yeah
All right.
Okay. Any questions? Anything on anybodys mind? Im leaving tonight
Yes
Well
Oh honey you didnt buy a ticket?
Oh honey. Im not home
Enough!
No
Yes it is.
How many knocks does it take to get you to do some work?
Oh no no no! Are you feeling ill?
Oh no honey
Yeah
Yes?
Oh! Youre sick!   Dangit! Thats exactly why I sent that receptionist home.
Get everybody sick in the office.
We dont need any heroes here honey. Its time for you to get on home now.
Youll probably feel better once you get some pants on. Come on.
Hey there.
Well theres chatting time and theres working time. Im still on working time.
Well
Well I mean
Anything else I can help you with?
Oh
Hello?
Well sure. You know
Okay.
Sorry Sugar. Whatd you want?
Thank you.
Overnight all my damn bags home. Im carrying nothing but my Sable gloves. Ive had it with Homeland Security. And I want you to put all those tracking numbers in my Blackberry.
Anything I can do for you Puddin?
Hmm.
All right then.
Michael?
I look forward to that too.
Howdy. I hope Im not interrupting anything.
Course you all
Turns out our printers are famous. Theyre all over the news. Its an interesting story. Cheap foreign printers attacking innocent Americans. Well
Im not sure you do
Not long ago
Can you now?
Its a little form
All thats just birthday information
Why dont you come with me? Well start out with the honcho
When Mama was working as a prison guard and something went missing
So say we catch this whistleblower
Uh
Well
Yeah.
Okay Dwight.
Well
Yeah
I dont like to tell a man what to do with his money
Well
Sounds like you were as blindsided by this as I was.
And we didnt find anything on your computer.
Except this.
I know what it is. I skimmed the first chapter. Im just curious
The way I look at it
Michael.
Michael Scott... what do you know?
If it doesnt matter
Because I want to deal with it the way I deal with it.
Empathize with me for a moment. I came up here with a big problem
Hahahahahaha.
Michael.
Lets just talk.
Honey
Mama Jo knew there was something up.
Oh
Whos Holly?
When I was growing up
I
Oh honey
Hey
I hope your rough patch ends soon.
Well
Let me see what I can do.
Why is this my problem
Lower yourself
Which are?
Oh
Well
If you keep him
Was how I put it not clear enough? I mean
The moment Darla put the cupcake in her mouth
: Now listen here
Now
Ive always been a fighter. And Fate has obliged me with plenty of battles
Hey
Slow yourself down there. Just like a man. Wants to jump right into it while I still got my socks on. Jim Halpert - the only man that ever turned me down.
Well
Dwight! Walk me out. Lets talk soon. And stay on top of these people. You gotta admit it - its nice to have a little power
What?!
Shooting is worse! Are you kidding me? Its not even in the same - you shot a gun? What is wrong with you?
Beaumont-Adams is a girls gun. That just makes it plain stupid.
Who else would be responsible?
Oh
I love you
No
You three are my search committee. Youre in charge of finding me my next manager. All righty?
Till then
Who is it?
Gabe
Here. Jim! Did you hear Stern this morning?
Ohh
Coordinated and implemented receipt storage and delivery of over 2.5 billion units of inventory. 2.5 billion
Paper material?
Or what? You gonna shoot me?
Ill interview you right now.
Question 1. Ever shot a gun in the office?
Yeah
Okay.
Welcome to Scranton
Huh?
No
I want to talk to Dwight Schrute for a second. I want to ask him a question.   If he isnt here in sixty seconds...
Lets just say I had hired this Jack Souvenir. Then what?
All that for this job.
Thats f***ing crazy.   Get outta here.   What a nutjob.
Okay
Whos this fella? Went to Cornell. Whats wrong with him?
And thats your unbiased opinion.
So its not relevant that he took the receptionist away from you?
Gabe...ugh... you got all close to these people. Got involved in their lives. Lets get you back to Florida. Well figure out something for you.
Its not. Lets get Kelly in here to take his place.
Cause Gabes tall and weak. Shes short and strong. Im doing an opposites thing.
Howd my girl Nellie do?
She didnt mention it?
Integrity move. I like it.
Well
Pam and Jim? Hey
Good to see you. Come on in. My office is right back here. This is the play room.
Oh
Oh. Got to take this. Sorry.
Okay. Hi
Sorry about that. Right this way.
That seems a bit premature
Yeah
Seriously? You told her?
And you - you thought that might have something to do with how the meeting is going?
Well
Im being perfectly pleasant. Did you ever consider that you might not be as charming as you think you are?
It doesnt lock for the childrens safety.
It was story time.
Huh? Hey.
Hey
Oh
No problem at all. This is great. So what are you guys up to?
Suck it!
Suck it!
Suck it!
Suck it!
Suck it!
Yeah.
Pull over!
Pull over!   Youre not allowed to impersonate a police officer! Dont make this difficult
Sir! You cant park here!
Uh
Hi. Im Clark. Josie said you might benefit from a lactation consultant.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm... Wheres your car?
Oh
Would you like me to help you up out of the chair?
Yeah
Hi there.
Hi.
Oh
I was out like a light... Oh
Kathy.
All expenses paid. Yeah
Hi
Actually
Ill get that for you.
Okay. Let me feel here.
Yeah
When youre feeding
Okay.
Okay
Stimulate it.
Alright
And you can just... The baby should grab on to that.
It doesnt... Why dont you bring your baby over here... Shes beautiful.
Yes
Well
Hey
Youre looking good.
I love it.
No
I dont either.
Yep
I think Im busy that night. Or I would.
Learning what?
Kay.
Is this—is this like code for gay stuff? Cause if so
You know
So could you give me a list of all your clients? Or just the leads that you havent had time to pursue yet?
Yeah
Ill give it a read.
Yeah.
I am.
Ok.
Uh
Ok
Ive always been good at anything that required balance. My doctor says I have gigantic inner ears.
Alright
You got this
Well
Wow
Duncan
Well
Hes looking for on-air talent and hed kill me if I didnt get you on tape.
Youll just come over
Ok.
Think it over.
Uh... couple of button-downs
Yeah
And then
I absolutely will do that.
Pff. Guess Ill just head over to the mall then. Buy Erin some sexy
Whatever it takes.
answers his door to find Erin
Come in.
Come on in.
Whatre you doing here?
All right. We got that. Thats a rap
Yep
No
OK
So we decided the best way to get ahead here is to be his cheerleaders.
Oooohhhhhhhh!
Its starting to have this reverse effect
Just clap through it
I dont want to teach you Power Point.
Just do the tutorial.
No
Mm-mm.
So Creed is that dudes step dad?
Stretch. Alright.
I
Its a medical thing.
Im good. I..
Come back.
Mmm.
What?
I do. I love the bosss interests.
Wait! Wait. Hold on. Wheres the band? ‘Cause theres just no way you guys are making this magic with just your mouths.
What
Yes! All right!
Thats how you do that! Whoo!
So
God!
Wheres the Quiznos?
Do what? Get into sales? Thats what I want.
Hey guys.
A gentleman doesnt discuss such matters. Especially when the feelings of a lady are involved.
Women reach their sexual peak at whatever age Jan was last week. I mean it was... like making love with a wild animal. But not like a cougar like you might think. It was uh... like a swarm of bees. Bees that just find something wrong with every hotel room.
Whats with the wig Meredith?
Nope
If you really want to show appreciation
I loved it.
If itll lead to me being a salesman
No
He calls me Clarky ‘cause hes my Dad.
My dad is the best hunter there is. I mean
Here you go
I sure was. Just like he taught me
...And I love you
Ha ha! I just burned him. Because the truth is... our relationship is... terr-
Terrible.
So for your menswear catalogue
Well
Here we go again
Women dont despise me...
Alright
Like the time that you got drunk and
So we can offer you matte or glossy printing-
Theres obviously a volume discount uh
No
Hi
Lets talk.
So if you look at our catalog here...
I mean
You know what Dad? Maybe you should buy me a suit. I mean
Well
How do I look?
You opened the door-
Hey
Why?
They got us set up with Windows 95
Hey
Well
You know what
I scored Stone and Son Suit Warehouse with you
This sucks
You interviewing for the sales job too?
Well
Rolf Ahl? Sounds kinda like Roald Dahl.
There he is.
Hey Jim
Thanks
Oh
Yeah
Thanks
Why?

Wintergreen.
Yeah
Thats just a classic no-win situation.
So Id Kobayashi Maru it.
Yep.
You know what
This interviews over
Yeah. Star Trek rules.
Come on
So howd you guys hear about the position?
You were in the shower or he was in the shower?
So you guys all know Dwight already?
X-Men school?
Whats up good lookin?
Hey
Oh
No!
Well
OK
This is never gonna work.
What lines?
Its what I do.
Kay.
Oh
Shes living a lie.
Why? Isnt he just coming in to rip you a new one for being gone three months?
Do you have any idea what I had to do to get that sale from Jan? I mean
Yeah. And
Yeah. In the European billboards
Theyre tasteful.
Perfect height
Look at it this way
There you go
You just let it all hang out
Ill give you a hundred dollars to wear that sweater to work tomorrow.
Hmm.
So Pete was a librarian?
Was he like the sexy librarian?
No.
Whos this guy?
Hey
You didnt actually say that.
Packer laced the cupcakes.
I went Christmas caroling in March and I fertilized some bushes along the way. So
Its p0rn.
Whats her name?
Sweet.
Oh yeah. Keep talkin.
Oh.
The same thing that you think.
God
Oh my god
Jeez
Whoa! Whoa! OK
Oh
Oh
Hey
One second.
One second.
Dont do it.
Dude
These chicks are way too hot to be into us. Esthers just pretending to like you so that youll buy her daddy a new tractor.
Yes. Her sisters trying to seduce me into buying an auger with her.
I dont even know what an auger is!
A Scranton nine
Screw new tractors. Guys like us
Hey Dwight
My mistake.
Hey
Hey
Holy  .
Is he gonna be okay? I mean
You gave him three shots.
All right.
We gotta get a wheelbarrow or something.
I am!
Any good weekend plans?
Nice.
Uh
I was thinking about...
And then what?
Well
Thats a little weird.
Thats about as good as thats gonna be.
Catch?
I cant catch him. Hes like
Blunt?
Dude
We should probably call a doctor or something
We cant just leave him bubble wrapped like this.
Thats actually really smart.
God
Hey
Just say arms and legs

Wha—Whats a shank?
All right.
Yeah—yup yup.
What?
Aw
Damn it.
Okay. We
Isnt the client
Driving.
Quater finals in an hour. Hope you got some sleep cause I am going to be haunting your nightmares tonight.
Did you?
Oh
Weve still gotta work together
You know what
Are you guys high? Because if so
Right. Yeah. But
Right. Well
All right
Thats fine with me. But be careful
Dude
All Im saying is
Congrats
But I fought for this seat.
Yeah.
I would love a corn dog.
Mr. Halpert
Darryl
Hey
Great
Here we go!
Dwight
Knock knock.
Hey. Pam
Hello? Dwight? What
Wow
All I did was bring macaroni and cheese... Wheres the fridge?
Oh... Well
Well
Yeah...
Do that.
- and the man in the moon. When you coming home Dad? I dont know when-
Were here to bust you out!
Dude! Your shirt tucked in?
All right.
See you later.
Whats up?
Cold hands.
Oh yeah
Ooh!
Nice skirt.
Oh! Sorry! Sorry
Thank you.
Good. Hi.
So you work with Pam and Jim?
I should hope not.
I am an ESL teacher.
Yeah.
Are you thinking that I said ESP?
I was a little nervous when Pam told me he was her boss
What are you doing?
I think Im gonna go.
Yeah.
Whats he usually like?
Yeah.
My brother
In Japan
Why? I dont need translator.
In Japan
Bad economy. Bad investment.
Coconut pen1s.
You paint wall now?
You paint now.
I wait.
You paint very bad--
Why you make trees into bushes? You dont make paper from bushes.
Thank you.
I have eight years experience selling electronics in Sanyo store in downtown Tokyo. I was a doctor. And I have a business degree from Tokyo University.
Thank you.
Hello.
Hi.
You wanna pay 400 bucks to re-felt this table?
Ted
All right
Get out. Now.
Then I am sorry that I didnt kick you out.
Well
Is that how you do it?
Really? How much have you written?
Oh.
Huh. Have you read Lee Iacoccas? Its a classic.
Dude
Shut up.
Whats your drink?
What?
You have a card?
Stanley Hudson?
Whoa
Michael Scott?
You just won yourself a lunch.
So... when are you coming in for that free lunch? Youre gonna want to come in on a day that Im working. Uh
We got a problem?
Hi.
Do what?
Oscar
Whats the difference between a chimichanga
This is Kevin. This is Kevin.
Hello
Here we go. Hot plate.
And your salad
Yes?
Of course. Ill get you a bowl of pickles.
Hey Kevin its Oscar. Im looking at the sheet you sent me. And I cant seem to find the column for shipping cost.
Hi
Hi!
Oh
You look exactly alike.
I have a sense about these things.
You have some ancestors in common... somewhere back.
Oh
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Who took the photo?
Oh.
Not bad.
Thank you.  Michael tries t kiss Donna
Oh my God.
Was it professional? No. But I work in the nightlife industry. I get hit on all the time. In my 20s it would have been annoying. In my late 20s
Is this... is this the best you can do right there?
Oh. Well
Mm-hmm.
Yes.
Oh
You want one?
Its like cool... certified cool. I like how they say certified. Like theres some consortium of...  Michael grabs the mint from Donnas hand with his mouth
Oh
And
Thank you. Did I... get everything?
Yeah
Yeah? Do you need validation? We dont... we dont validate.
No
Youre welcome.   Youre... welcome.
Bye.
I dont have
Bye-bye!
Okay.
Michael!
No
You were right.
You were right.   Im sorry.
Im sor...
Oh
Right.
Donna
Thank you.
You okay?
Yeah
Nope. Im good
Im out of here.
You stay away from me
How could you think I would cheat on you?
Thats pathetic.
When I tell you I like you
I told you I like you.
Hey
Have you ever been to Vero Beach?
Were going.
Yeah.
Thank you.
No
Steamtown Mall.
You know
Uh
Isnt that something?
Oh.
Yeah I think itll be a nice trip. Were gonna get a lot done.
I am
Yeah
Yeah.
Thursday works. Yeah
Oh
Shoot. Im working.
Well
Oh
How do you know?
What
Its you. Im married.
Hello?
Michael
Oh no.
Oh my God.
Wait
Ummm
No! He doesnt. Are you telling me I have to get tested?

What do you think?
Look
I know
Excuse me. Yeah
Dont listen to him
No
Joint custody
Yeah
Lets go.
Do I know you?
Are you somebodys... parents? Oh
Okay.
Okay. Lets go!
Whoa!
Hey
Of course. Okay? I gotta... get back to this.
All right.
Its all right. Its all right. Keep it going.
Michael Scott?
Do you wanna make a comment on the rumors?
Im talking about the Sabre printers that catch on fire.
Police have now surrounded the apartment complex.
It is unknown if he is armed with anything.
The property youre looking at is in great shape. By the way
I just need you to come by later and sign a few forms.
What time works for you?   Mr. Schrute
But...
Weve got our outlet. Weve got our outlet.
Coffee Monkeys arrived.
Here you go
Ooh
My name is Luke Cooper. I love cinema. My favorite movies are Citizen Kane and The Boondock Saints.
Whats up
Uh
You dont have to yell.
What for?
No
What? Im stopping it. Thats what you said.
So you just want me to move it? Youre being totally unclear here. Im just gonna go ahead and move it.
All right
Im gone.
No.
No!
What the?
What the hell was that?
Hey
Who can I speak to in this office about saving on window treatments?
Is one of you the office administrator?
Can I show you a few samples?
Please and thank you go a long way.
Let me know if I can help you with anything.
Yes?
I remember
No
Of course
We had a safety concern. Um... we very politely indicated that hed be welcome back...
If he were in accordance with our dress policy.
But the blood stained hands...
Im very sorry.
Oh
Lets get the paperwork started.
Excuse me
Excuse me
Right there
Michael! Shelby Thomas Weemes
I promise you that if you keep auditioning with similar gusto...
We are going to find a production with a role for Michael Scott.
Yes?
Good.
Enjoy the second act.
Have a refreshment.
Thanks you.
You found Johanna.
Theres a little bird fluttering around. Do hope it ceases chirping.
The bird continues to call. Someone please turn off your... bird. Oh
What is the news of my darling daughter Johanna?
Where is Johanna?
A madhouse?
A madhouse? Johanna is as good as rescued. Where do you suppose all the wig makes of London go to obtain their human hair?  Michael tips over wine bottle
Foggs Asylum
Darryl?
Didnt know you were gonna be here. Hows the toilet?
Thank you.
Youre the guy who booed me.
No
Thank you.




We dont go with that man. Ive seen several men go with that man and not come back.
Weve lost friends.
We dont know what he does with them.
I dont want to talk about it anymore.
Hola amigo.
Si
Scranton
Yes
Okay.

picks up baseball bat
Yello.
Oh
Let me put you on hold for just one eensy sec.
Hey Pam
riding in car
Yeah.
The buildings underground?
Pam. Pam?
No youre not.
I wasnt here.
I wasnt here. Its a pretty common saying. You may want to log it away for future use.
Yeah.
I dont think it goes that way.
Got it.
One
One
Um
Okay
Also
Also
What wa-
Ah! See
You had me at clookies. I cant wait to find out what they are.
I will look so handsome for you
When you do your makeup
How long you
Uh
He says
Ah
I love it too Val. Its its really itchy
What?
Darryl
Can I open it?
Ah
Theyre so elegant.
Howd you know?
Im glad youre in my life. Happy Valentines Day. Ugh
Oh Darryl
Yeah
No
Yeah
Ive never met Ravi personally
Dwight called my house
Do we get our resumes back or do you keep them? Because I only have the one
So
Gums gotten mintier lately. Have you noticed? Like
He did it.
Thats really rude.
No! No no!
Mommy!
It was cool.
What did I learn?
So this is the chefs kitchen
Michael.
Im great! How are you?
You didnt call my office and ask where I was?
Because the receptionist told me a man called but he only said he was my ex-lover.
Yeah.
Its a family room.
Michael why are you here?
You know
What? Did you have that while we were together?
Oh! Oh
Did the doctor check it out?
Yes
No.
Well so do I
Hey
Good to see you too.
Oh
Danny Cordray
Three of you guys for one sale.
Well
Its good to see you guys. Nice to meet you.
Danny Cordray. Its great to meet you.
Im gonna take off my coat
Well
We should think of this as a first date. And I think its going very well
Ha ha
Ive never been a desk man. Always traveling on the road. Come on...why not
Well
Hola. Que tal?
Yeah
You know what? I may have parked my car in a compact space
Michael Scott.
Hmm.
But from where?
Okay
Or...crazy.
Im gonna go.
Oh
What do you mean
Sure. You seem like a fun
No!
Get out of my way.
I swear to God
Im very upset!
More freedom.
Oh
Yeah. Way
Oh. She was not into me.
Obviously. I dont even think she called me back.
Okay...thats different.
Uh...I mean-yeah.
Thank you.
Oh.
Thanks.
Gabe-wad.
Excuse me
Public School
So. Youre all on the list!
Okay.
Hey.
I was looking forward to throwing some darts with you guys.
For sure.
What are you talking about?
Jim and Pam really dont want you to go?
Ill talk to them.
Okay.
Okay.
Can you imagine? Its just crazy.
Look
Exactly.
No! Two or three dates.
Was it two? I thought it was three.
Well
Well
I dont think its gonna work out the way you think.
Hey.
This is some party
Are you serious?
You know what it was? I think she gave me her number but then her fours look like eights
Okay. You wanna know? I didnt call her back because she spent the whole date talking about you. She was obviously in love with you.
Do you honestly want to know why I didnt call her back on a date over four years ago?
Okay. Honestly. I didnt call you back because I-thought you seemed a little... dorky.
Michael
Thats very generous
Michael
Thanks for coming in.
Thank you.
Please Mr. President
We ask you
Good morning.
What a terrific day this is
You may have seen the bus out front. Today we also say good-bye to our young adult ministry. Theyre leaving for three months to build a school for the village of Quimixto
Thank you. Anyone else with a prayer or a remembrance?  Dwight and an eldery man stand up at the same time
Christening calls to repentance
At this time
Before we go
Love suffers long and is kind. It is not proud. Love bears all things
And thank you for your prayers for Justin. We hope for a speedy recovery.
Hi. Good morning.
Oh
Im gonna use that one. Have a good lunch.
Good morning.
Im Doug Mcpherson
Davey.
I dont mean to bug
I think maybe some blonde lady had her.
Smaller than me.
So that was lunch
Fine
I dont know. I lost the purse too.
Oh
Are you okay
So
Can you drive a car?
Why do you have
Gyllenhaal
Would you dress up as
Well
Uh
We are extremely excited to be working with you too
Jim
Cant stop. Were on a schedule.
Maybe well stop in Tennesseee. Its not safe to talk to a driver.
Stopping in Tennessee.
Stop the bus! Stop the bus!
Wait for me!   Dont say anything to my parents.
... banana bread

No.
Yes.
No.
Mama!
Mama
Mama!
No!
Yeah.
I want Daddy.
Bye
Press End.
And the winner is
Drama Queen?
Hey
WUPHF.
WUPHF
WUPHF!
Oh
Pam
Yeah?
Im Pam.
Oh
Ive been known to bend the truth.
Okay.
Yeah?
Hi
Oh
Im not doing it! She told me she wants to have Christmas here.
Yes. She wants to be around family for Christmas.
Hello. Im looking for Darryl Philbin?
Ok....?
Can we.... go some place private?
He doesnt look like Santa Claus.
Daddy
What kind of challenges.
I dont know.
You have a whole room of vending machines?
I cant decide what I want.
Merry Christmas.
And Merry Christmas.
And Merry Christ... mas.
Merry Christmas. And Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Youre welcome.
Yeah.
A trampoline...
Video games.
A DSi.
A horse.
A pool.
Yes.
Daddy
I dont know if hed be a good manager
Its nice. I know.
Hi.
Oscar. A pleasure.
Thank you so much.
Im just so touched that shes so interested in my work.
You see
Do I look like someone who would waste my own time?
Will you be heard? Will you have a voice? Will I steamroll over you? Do you feel heard right now
That was your choice
Yes. You do.  nods at the Search Committee
Ohh
That business cant attract anyone. Its awful up there. Those people seem like theyre in prison
I just did.
Its done.
I know you now
I saw an episode of how they make paper on Sesame Street.
I will get offered the job. Thats a... call Ive received many times. The slight hopefulness in their voice
Hello.
Describe your day so far.
And when you recount your day
What are your thoughts.
Yes
Great. Thank you.
What is this?
You read my notebook? And photocopied it. And distributed it.
Ah
Some people doodle at work when they let their mind run. They draw houses
Might as well have been sketching a cube.
enters room
Jim
Sesame street.
Elmo
Sesame Street was created to reflect the environment of the children watching it. Complete self-absorption of Elmo is brilliantly reflective of our time. Ours is a cultural ghetto. Wouldnt you agree.
I just think you guys are winners and I wanted to have lunch with you.
No.
I dont- I dont wanna say-
No
Ha
Probably shouldnt have said that.
I never said that.
Let me tell you some things I find productive. Positive reinforcement. Negative reinforcement. Honesty. Ill tell you some things I find unproductive. Constantly worrying about where you stand based on inscrutable social clues. And then
Im not gonna change my list
I did not know about the sales figures.
Are we done?
You want a three and half day weekend for Columbus Day?
And you are aware that Columbus and his legions committed genocide against an entire civilization of Native Americans.
Hello
Id love some coffee.
I was looking over your projections
Andy
Vanilla? No no no no. Youll never guess in a million billion years youll never guess.
Andy
Oh! Thank you. Uh....
You can just put it down.
That is very cold.
Why would I.....?
You like her.
She likes you.
Im afraid youve lost my interest.
If the office superstore was supposed to put us little suppliers out of business
Ah...
Oh
Its a wrong answer.
Take a look at where you are
Let me tell you how I buy something these days. I know what I want I go on the internet
Double.
Im not kidding.
Double.
Why did I choose Andy to run the office? Because hes all surface
Theres something about an underdog that really inspires...the unexceptional.
Andrew
Well
You dont want to hear the other one. You love marmalade.
Its a basil plant.
I also mentioned the marmalade to my sister and shes very interested.
Well
Hello Andy.
Thank you.
Yes
Andy
No
Ill say a few words if thats alright with you
You people say I led you
Forget the beets. Concentrate on the hosting. I could spend a considerable amount of money having my birthday party here.
Of course I am not interested in goats. Why would you spend so much time going over the goats with me?
Well talk.
Are you sure?
My body has somehow become acclimated to southern Italy. Isnt that strange? Ive never been there! Oh
Yes
Everyone
Here
Oh
Well
Extraordinary. Did you plan this?
Delightful.
Now then
Just fine
You feeling fulfilled in your life?
You guess? So
Because its too terrifying to imagine. Now were cooking. What is it
Yes. Dying alone
What are we talking about?
You seem unimpressed. Ghosts dont scare you?
Its true. Theyve been preserved for thousands of years. Theyre all over.
Why didnt you simply ask Andy to clarify? Asking is a very easy thing to do. Youre obviously very close.  . Oh I see. This no longer seems like my business  .
You were going to talk at the end of the... Im not here.
Im never uncomfortable.
I should go.
Looks terribly real
Are you scared of snakes?
What am I up to?
When I was a boy
The crib was full of dirt. Baby struggled to free itself from underneath
Amongst them was a man
Almost instinctively
Fear plays an interesting role in our lives. How dare we let it motivate us. How dare we let it into our decision making
This is atrocious.
The ticketing software paints a picture of a sloppy
Did you need something from us?
Last week an accounting mistake resulted in a client getting their order for free.
Who are they?
Andrew sometimes I feel like you dont know me at all.
Simply...end the mistakes
When I come back next week and this report shows me no mistakes
End the mistakes. That is all I ask.   And you cant have a favorite Iron Chef. It depends entirely on the secret ingredient. Sometimes I feel you dont know food at all.
Ill see you next week Will.  at the club
Jim what are you...What a surprise.
Yeah.
A game or a match?
In the box.
Sounded like mine.
Well
Can I have it?
Yep.
Whoa
ha
Nah
Yeah.
Its the standard one. The one everyone has.
It depends Jim. Do you find one-day only Jet Blue sales to Buffalo interesting?
My serve!
Take it easy. Nice and easy.
Oo!
You alright?
Skinned knee.
Oo
Okay. My serve.
Just taking a stroll. What exactly have I stumbled upon here?
Youre a band.
I miss being in a band.
Tambourine? You know Im the CEO
I play harmonica. I think I have one in the car.
to the keyboardist
Darryl
You guys mind if they join us?
What should we play?
Midnight Rambler?
Oh
Where is everyone? Where is Andy?
Well
So
I am so eager to hear your game-changers. Lets dig in
Absolutely.
This idea hasnt gripped me. What else did you come up with?
That was bad.
The situation you described
No.
I am not.
Kevin
Cookies. Cookie placement.
Who else agrees with Kevin
Interesting. So what is Dunder Mifflins oatmeal cookie? What is the product that no one wants?
Thats the oatmeal cookie. Fantastic
And why is Black Rock suddenly the paragon by which all hedge funds must now be compared?
Right. I mean youre an accountant. Those bogus prospectuses must drive you insane.
Kevin!
Big Mac idea. That sounds encouraging.
Well what is the idea?
Oh my. It was just actually cookies the whole time?
In four seconds my wife is going to be coming through that door. I told her she could work here. Under no circumstances can that be allowed to happen.   There you are! Honey how on earth could you miss the elevator?
Everyone. Id like to introduce my wife Mrs. Robert California. Mrs. California this is everyone.
Last night at dinner Susan and I were talking about her returning to work. So shes here today to see if theres a good fit. Something tells me it just might work out. This is Andy Bernard the regional manager.
Andy would you be so kind as to show Susan around the office. Show her the various departments. Find a place where shell shine.
Andy. Lets see if theres a good fit first. Then well talk.
Two secretaries could convey a sense of importance and success to our clients. Certainly worth exploring  wouldnt you agree Andy?
Good. It seems like you have this under control. So Ill just duck out and run the company for a while.
Are you telling me that theres no one in this entire office that could use an extra pair of hands?
I am the CEO and I am telling an employee of mine what to do.
No. Absolutely not. Andrew there must be something you can do. Think.
I would be eternally grateful. Its not a bad thing to have the CEO owe you one.
Say hello grandma.
Hold one finger up to Susan. Youll just be a second. You numbskull. You were given a very simple task. I could not have been more clear with you. Now say
Why can you not say exactly what I tell you? Undo this. Undo it.
Andy! Andy
Please. Andrew
Oh
Well thats a shame.
Where did this come from? Did Andy say that?
Whats the struggle? He made a great call
Absolutely.
No games.
Okay
Andy
No games.
You lying son of a bitch!
Tell my wife youre lying.
This is preposterous.
Lets get Jim in here.  Jim shoves out of fram in his chair
Can you call security
Thats weird. Well
Hello Jim.
So I think you know what we want to know.
Yes.
No.
All right. Thanks.
Yeah.
Heh.
Hello
The five day Hindu celebration in December honoring the god Ganesh
Hey!   Oh!
I actually appreciate the human intimacy. Feel like a kitten being cradled by a gorilla.
Its been ten days since I had sexual intercourse.
I hope so. The corporate party was wretched. I am so tired of the Black Eyed Peas. Its rock-n-roll for people who dont like rock-n-roll. Its rap for people who dont like rap. Its pop for people who dont like pop.....ah
Erin
Now why would you come to a bar and ask for a cola when you can get some from the kitchen? Did some small part of you want something a little stronger? Ryan
The fifth one is for you
Mmm. Wow.
Jiminey Christmas indeed.
Oh.
She
Lets you and I take a walk. Oscar
Your heart is broken. So is mine.
And what?
No   my god.
Ive been married thrice and each has ended in an acrimonious divorce
Erin
Dwight.
You made it.
Impressive initiative. I dont know whats worse
Dwight. Today is not my day at all
No
Gabe
Its a command.
Dwight! How nice of Gabe to show you where I live. Come around. 102.
Shalom.   Give us just a minute. Stu and I are just finishing up our lesson. Trust me. One nine-minute bout is a cardiovascular equivalent of running uphill for three hours.   I could go to the gym three times a week or I can wrestle Stu once a month.  slaps the mat
Guys
They havent really improved on the Oreo
Sit down
You were dining alone? All those people are you?
Ah-ah-ah- your drive
This medal was my grandfathers. He received it for acts of courage. For excellence. Its a tribute one man gives another. I could give you a job
Dwight
Im selling the house
Its mid-recession in a depressed area of a faltering state and Ive got the most expensive house on the market. The one percent are suffering too
What could you possibly have found funny in what I said? What was the joke you thought you heard?
Oh yes. How hilarious it is to laugh at clowns
A beautiful monster cost me my forties and my dream home. I think Im entitled to the occasional bad day.
What
You know I suppose someone should enjoy the place before I hand it over to the staging experts at Remax tomorrow. Lets try this: everyone
You should see the whole thing.
Im just about to give the tour.
Join us. You must see what you were laughing about.
Here we have the parlor. I imagined people would set down their coats and symbolically their inhibitions. This was the gateway. You enter this room a lawyer
Wine collection.
About twelve hundred. What the hell
Oh.
Jim
I dont know. Maybe not. Just come.
I pictured myself here every night eating a leg of mutton
To the kitchen. Onward!
I had two bears sewn together to make this king-size. Total waste of two bears.
When I put in the screening room
And of course
Gentlemen
Yes
Nellie.
How are you adjusting to life in Scranton so far?
Good.
Ah
Now. Lets find you something fun to do here
We have a manager.
Excuse me
Andy
I dont care
He just hung up on me mid-sentence.
Not much we can do about this until he gets here.
Sometimes the flowers arrange themselves
This is an odd situation. But its very interesting how its playing out.
We live in this world of routines and rhythms. Kevin ate someones lunch. Phyllis has a new necklace. Who is this woman?
I am not. Huh.
Let me guess
Jim
Jim
When two animals are having s*x
... is communicating a message to the other. Nothing is mutua-- this isnt very helpful. Youre gonna want to hear the sexual metaphor.
All life is s*x. And all s*x is competition.
And there are no rules to that game. That wasnt so perverted
My point is
Look at this wonderful recognition of Nellies leadership. I believe.
Good morning
Is this a video conference youre having with Drake
People
Nellie
Ah.
Ive never believed willpower was very important in a woman.
I dont think you would have shown up to work nearly an hour late for no reason.
No
Nellie?
Youre clearly under a lot of... stress with the moving and the work situation youve found yourself in.
Lets help her out
The rest of you
This humble but sincere effort is all for our valued new colleague. Excellent.
Cheers.
no
Oh
Why is Jim treating the magician poorly?
Well Nellie
Interesting. Yes. No
Nellie! Youve been terrific in your interim capacity. But
Im sorry?
Im not accustomed to people saying no to me.
Youre both adults. Im sure you can figure this out between yourselves.
I never allow sexual desire to influence a business decision. So I find it best to excuse myself temporarily until Ive had a chance to make love and then go back and analyze the situation rationally. Buffett operates the same way.
Andrew
It seems Andy is the only one with this problem. Fascinating.
Jim
No
Andy
I almost didnt come in today.
Andy
Andy
Andy
Excuse me?
Well you cant say no.
Look
Andrew
Ugh
Andrew.
I stepped in right away and start--
Well...
So
and the hero
Andrew
Andy you should leave. Now.
Thank you. Why do we love dogs? Want me to tell you why? There is no answer. Our love for them confounds reason!
The state senator
Bella here was a therapy dog for ten years. when her owner passed away she came to this organization for placement. But people dont often adopt older dogs
Andy
Andy why dont we discuss this at a--
Everyone
Shh... shh...
Can everyone just
Closing the Binghamton branch never occurred to me before today. Or
Wonderful.
Pam
Apparently
Yes
Lets do it now. Whats number one?
There we go.
Wheres the Advil
Andrew
Oh
Harry...
How do you mean?
Harry there is a time for every decision
I have decided. Neither of you are to have any contact with either Prestige or any other Binghamton client until I have figured out how to divide things up. As Solomon once said...
Shaping a company is
Hmm.
Excellent. Excellent. Though troubling that your first instinct is thievery.
Now we get to the bottom of Nellies yes
Oh yes it can.
Shopaholic.
Yeah.
Ah.
Pam
No
Pam
Erin.
Who is it?
Yeah
Youre blackmailing me.
Ah
No
-pep talk. Sexuality is a spectrum. Its a paradox to think of any sexual activity as normal. It gets better but it also gets vastly more complicated.
Ow! Damn it
Fine.
Andrew
Everyones better than this
Oof.   Wouldnt wanna be a Sabre employee right about now.   Im actually the CEO.
Hey
Likewise
Id love to give you a little rundown on what Ive learned about this place.
Please.
David has generously offered to donate one million dollars in matching funds to a cause thats very dear to me. So
Oprah Winfreys leadership academy and other schools like it
Yeah
Its been a great year.
Dont worry. Ive scheduled a press conference for later today. We just need to face the camera together. A beloved public servant and his devoted wife. And move on.
I would just to start by saying that there have been some rumors about my personal life that I would like to settle once and for all. As my long-suffering wife can attest... I am gay.
Ill say it again for mis amigos latinos. Yo soy homosexual.
I once believed that a gay person could be somewhat straight. It wasnt until my marriage to Angela that I realized how...charmless I find the female body.
Theres someone else I need to thank. His name is Oscar Martinez.
Oscar is the one who opened my eyes to who I really am. For the first time—
--with this new self-awareness
Whos pumped for the quarter finals
Alright. Sounds like somebody wants to walk away with this.  holds up large check for $2
Merry Christmas.
Keep it real.
It was pretty cool.
It was fun.
Whoa
I said breathe!
Wait a second
Shut that off!
Fine
Go!
Nice! Were gonna calm down later.
Well
Actually
Hey
Okay.
So
Oh
Name? David Brent. Occupation? Inspirer. Status? None of your business. Young
I was thinking we could buy up of abandoned mine shafts.
Uh
My company would act as an intermedium
Something with cell phones. Its like
Hi Nard Dog. Im Lu Peachem.
Ill take one.
Hey
Uh
Um
Um
I dont think I should be married to you anymore.
Hi Jim
Everything is fine. Babys fine. She has a tiny fever. Im taking her for a check up. Nothing to worry about.
A tiny thing. I locked her in the car.
Shes smiling. Shes happy.
Jim
No
Just make it quick.
You dont know it.
He left you here on purpose. All right? I saw it. He just drove away.
Yeah
Shes right. He went that way.
Im not a pawn shop.
Wow.
I cant just go giving away hot dogs.
Throw em away.
No.
Sure thing. Here you go
You know what? Say hi to Orville Tootenbacher for me.
The temp at night. The temp at night. The temp at night. The temp at night.
Hey.
I got a delivery for ya.
Im supposed to deliver this one in person.  pulls out a gun and starts shooting at Michael
Michael Scarn
Well
Well
Well
It wasnt easy for Scarn to admit that he had lost his self-confidence. And he hadnt of course
in Stanleys voice
Families and sweethearts back home waited desperately for letters from the front.
But the Battle at Schrute Farms was no battle at all. It was a code used by pacifists from both North and South who turned the Pennsylvania farmhouse into an artistic community and a refuge from the war.
Dwight Schrute dressed as a butler. Speaks in slow

Its the president. He needs you for a mission.
We have to search the stadium.
Im intercepting a name. Jasmine Winsong. She works for Goldenface. What I cant figure out is
Oh- starts to freak out
Ha!
Weve searched the whole building
Weve searched the whole building
Weve searched the wh- ok...
Noooo!
But why would you blow up the stadium? You OWN the stadium!
Michael! You have to get to that puck before halftime! Or the whole stadium will explode!
Cherokee Jack? Michael he died.
Yah!  kicks open the gate to save the hostages
Darryl
Its your old enemy
Not so fast
You just said the bomb... is in the puck?
Is that where you hid the bomb Goldenface?
Michael
I need you for another mission.
Jim
Die!
I wasnt trying to kill you
Oh by the way!
Hows your wife doing?
Ha! This is gonna show them   that I mean business. See ya!  points gun to Toby the hostages head
Sorry about your friend

Hm?
Hm?
In the puck!
Because Im going to kill you.   Unless! You forgive me for murdering your wife.  distraught
Yeah?

re-cocks gun and shoots at Michael
walks into the Oval Office with an accomplice
Why do you care?
I worked in a gold factory
Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha!   Oh-   The office cheers at the ending of the movie
Creed wearing a tunic and carrying a mop
Mop it.  A montage of Michael mopping the ice awkwardly and using an ab-cruncher
Mop.
I want you to take all of your frustrations
Yes.
Please Goldenface
Ahhhh
Your friend Michael
Holly?
Dont you worry about him
I have your father. Hes right here Ill put him on.
Holly?
There was a program on TV about India.
Wanna watch it?
What are you doing there?
Ill
Ill drink to that. Im starting at a company this week.
To begginings and endings.
The moms and the troops.
I wont... I dont know her.
Colorado! The sunshine state.
Doing some skiing?
Well thats just good sense right there. Everyone I know who skis is dead.
Try it once
Im an olympics nut.
Knuckles! Actually
You know
You know
Thats the way it goes.
Excuse me. Hello? You running late?
Im at the bar too.
Im at the bar. The bar thats located in the lobby of the hotel.
How long have you...
Ok
I am wearing a grey suit
Which place?
I hear your voice
Deangelo Vickers.
That is insane
I am ready.
Oh
I am very much looking forward to tommorow. It feels like the culmanation of a lot of hard work
Did that? Did that just happen?!   We should.. we should write a movie or something! Im serious!
blinds roll down
Hello!   How are you sir?
Can I just say
Ill help you.
Hello!
No

Oh.   That was... lets see

Office funny guy! Always glad to have an office funny guy around!
Well
I do a lot of portion control. I try to keep my daily calor intake under 1200.
Heres the great thing about the southwest  theres so much more than desert. Along the north rim of the Grand Canyon is a forest as lush as youve ever seen.
I did not.
Sounds very interesting
Why do you use your name when you use the phone?
Try it without using your name.
Dunder Mifflin
I just prefer it without the name and I thought- Ive got to start doing some managing at some point.
And it really isnt.
Well
I think a change would be nice.
Hey
Oh
I saw a hawk today. Just sitting right there on the overpass. Looking at me.
Ok
Alright. This is how we do it. Feels nice
Ah
Ok
You know what
No
Whats up?
Lets not talk politics in the office
Now thats funny! Thats funny! You walk much?
Little click...
Thank you. Thats my stuff. Yeah. Michael
Oh
Yep
Hey
Drink some soap!

Best whale watching : easily the west coast. If youre going whale watching on the East Coast
I need a wide berth. I need a wide berth from those nuts.
Michael
No
Youre getting nut particles all in the air!
Everyone
Hold on
Maybe. Maybe not. 50/50. You know what
I... Im adequete. Im half as good as you.
Will you do me a favour and enjoy this time
Ok. What is the Native American girls name?
Thats a cute baby. Very cute baby. Adorable. Very cute.
I swear
So
Stone cold seriously.
They are trying to figure me out. And I dont like it. Once they figure me out
Change two
Dont thank me! Hey
I dont care what your favorite flavor is. Heres a bowl of ice cream. You either like it or you dont.   Thats my attitude right now in this room
That is a s-- astute observation
Kevs got me pegged.
It blows away Vermont in the fall.
Hold on.
And if youre really serious
No. Because the entire state smells like Earth.
Yes
Put it with the rest.
Hey dudes!
There he is! Got ya coffee.
Not a coffee guy
Listen. Ive got a sixer. Automatic for the People on the jukebox. Lets hit the park after sundown. Come on! Pick up some sausage if you want.
No matter how many times I reach out to Dwight
Whos the biggest client in the state? I say we go get em
Right! Or my other idea
shoots mini basketball at hoop on office door
No
Deangelo!   See what I did there? Thats what you need to do.   Its that little English. The British are coming.
Deangelos open!
Hey Ry. Your departments killing it
Keep it up.
Woo. Glad hes not my boss.
You know I have a cousin who cracked the secret formula for a certain popular cola that I shall not name. So Ive never had to buy it. True story. I just drink my cousins.
You know what... straight up
Ohhhh no.
Okay? Im gonna win you over.
Yes I am.
Oh yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes. Yes-yes-yes-yes-yes   yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes!
Whats wrong with juggling
Oh yeah. Id do it for you here
Its a little cramped. How many square feet out there? 17
Sorry gang. Thought my juggling stuff was in the trunk of my car. Its not.
Sorry
No. Never. Can someone please throw me a fifth ball? If you dare!   Incoming! And were on! Remember
Do you believe in me
Because I believe in you.
Feel that connection? Dont move your head. Please. Thank you. Oh! Big hand for Phyllis!   That took a lot of guts!   Ho! Im Deangelo Vickers
Yeah
So whats up?
Yeah sure. Lets make it a meeting.  Darryl
Whats the big secret? Why are you even whispering? Come on
Uh-oh. Right?
Are you serious? Who feels this way?
Guys. Hold on. Doesnt matter who
Thank you.
Erin
Oh
Dwight
Man
Yup.
No corporate experience whatsoever. I didnt want anyone with any bad habits.
Internally
Hey Jim.
Can I help you?
No one likes a money grubber.
Ohh.
Is this true
Okay
Its too murky. I like Ryan. You seem kind of hysterical to me. Ryans your supervisor. Lets just leave it that way.
Oh
Im no MJ. I can do his dunk. From the free throw line.
Okay. Well keep that in mind. Alright
Jim! Come on in.
Yeah
Yeah
Only because no one has called NASA to request a liftoff.   Lets go downstairs! Okay? Lets do it.
Damn it
Seems a little close
Nah
And uh
Yeah
Right. Yeah. Okay
Someone want to sit in Kevins lap? Angela?
Oscar?
Okay
Alright?
This is also for the troops.  backs up
Tablab.
says to bartender   Droswip. Droswip.
Summer!
Sorry...
Change it.

Hey
Yes
Well
Thanks.
Congratulations!
Uh
Is this an employee of ours?
It reminds me of Katrina.
Do you usually leave your door unlocked? And ajar?
Im not going in there.
Thank you Michael
Not much of a performer
Michael
That is true
This did not happen.
Uhhh
Oh good!
Where were you on September 11th?
This is so weird! If Im conducting a meeting
laying down
Meee Mo
When I was very young
THE DUNDIES ARE-OW-ABOUT COMING TOGETHER! AND RECOGNIZING
THE DUNDIES!
THE DUNDIES!
Hello?
Oh no!
Billy Crystal?
Neil Patrick Harris?
Ughhh
Hey
Mmhmm.
Jim! Do you know where I can find Michael Scott?
No one is listening to me! And Im running out of time!
Maybe I just need to look into my heart.   DeAngelo
Go do it by yourself
This was not
Who am I doing this for?
I cant.
Stop
Hit me again.
Fall asleep right after s*x. Huh guys?
They say hes going to be my right hand man
Hold on
THATS WHY ITS BEEN SHUT DOWN FOR MOST OF THE EVENING...
This is truly special
Michael
I know Im the cause of this royal screw up but I would like to see this show go on.
You know what
I can just run over to the gas station.
Okay
Please dont stop so suddenly
Look
Measure your life in love!
Every day
Youre not gonna take all these toys are you?
I mean you dont have a job lined up
Thats nice.   How bout that truck? Can I have this little truck? I was thinking I might... glue a stapler on top. Or put a hole here
You know what? Uh
I will be in the break room.
Dead man walking.
I used to be obese. Once youve conquered obesity
hurriedly
Lets rip it up homes.  smacks top of the door frame with his hand
okay
Thats stupid.  laughing. Nervously
What do you know? We gotta get psyched up! Okay? Guy? Lets get psyched! Is there an animal shelter on the way?
Awesome! Ani Ani Shelto! Here we come. Do you know how to high-five?
Cause if you do nows the time.
Not while Im driving.
You know how I met Jo Bennett? And got started on my ladder of success?
Im walking along
Gimme that dog! Thats not your dog!   Yeah! Again.
Gimme that damn dog you f***ing thief! Dont ever do It again!   You hear me?!   You feel that energy?
I would just like to start off saying
That is cold sir! Absolutely cold. You know what? It was a complete waste of my time.
Okay whatever.
on his phone waiting for Andy
We did it!
Well if hes not gonna make it at least we should go ahead and eat the cake.   I for one love the corners.  cuts a corner piece
Michael dressed as Jo Bennett
Luckily I have someone for you!
Better.
Hes in Little Shop of Horrors on Broadway. Now we need Michael Scott! The best darn Dundies host on both sides of the Mississippi!
Michael is wearing a blond wig

Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech!
No!
Shh!
Michael is wearing a wig that is very close to Jims actual hair
Micheal dressed as Phyllis
Its showtime.
And cups of coffee.
Erin
I can bring him a welcome basket. Ill surprise him.
Does he like jams? My shelves are over flowing with preserves.
Wooo! Yeah!  parades in circles with the dog
Hello.
No
Yeah.
Well
Yeah.
Dwight? Deangelo wanted me to ask you if theres anything I can help you with.
Do you need anything?
Seriously?
I dont
Im good.
Why are you telling me this?
Who is our biggest client?
Okay.
Mose... youll never guess where I am right now.
Aaaaahhhhh!
...under God...
Yes!
Absolutely--I
Yeah.
Nice try.
Well
Well
I guess I could be
Tell you what. Ill give you part three of part two. Not gonna give you a whole part.
Color-code sent documents
Thats a verbal trademark. Thats an agreement.
No
Can you do any better on salary?
What about mileage when I use my car? I mean
How about 27? And uh
You dont work in sales
I am loving the chemistry between you two.
I bet. Im excited.
If I may
Thats right. Your little finger.
Ill let Dwight have his fun. Today will not be his day.
Im gonna tank the Sabre store at the presentation to the board.
Well
But
I couldnt just kill the project from the start. Jo Bennett endorsed it. Shame though
Bravo
What baffles me is how you could take a perfectly good idea
I dont see Dwight. He clearly had the infinite wisdom to stay as far away from this clown show as possible.
That was never on the table.
And yet Todd
Did
What do you mean?
Place must be horrible. I dont know if I want this job.
Well
You guys pay for relocation
Well
Im leaving my other job because they were all jerks
Im having a bad time.
continues to chew
Oh
Honestly
First
Symbol of transparency. Thered be no titles. Everyone would have the same job. Same goes for me. Id take your job
Everyone would be known for their accomplishments.
Ooh? Yeah. Mm. Scratch everything from before. I tell you what Id do. Go the other way. More cubicles. More division. Everyone is somebodys boss
Well
By splitting the difference. Just... just
Zen office. Hmm? Thought of that? Thats what Id do. Everyone takes their shoes off
Youve got a Thai woman
Sockee!... is her name. Okay? Shes administering massage
This job? Oh
Psst. Say
Psst. Say
Him
You poor
Ah! It was. I went on a shopping spree. Very destructive. I bought thirteen pianos. Then I realized
No
Oh
Let me just get the projector working.
Jim
Is there not? Maybe Im just waiting for someone to wow me.
Huntings so primal. Almost sexual.
Why are you sitting down like that?
We have the Sabre Pyramid
I feel like Im in ancient Egypt.
Very good point.
Dwight
Ah
What are the three pillars of retail?
Very true. Where theres a will
How are you feeling?
Can I see the wound?
Oh! Thats disgusting. Thats barely healed.
A few hours ago
That is amazing. Todd
Would you come in early tomorrow so we can talk about the store over breakfast? I feel you   have a lot to offer.
Everyone
Ah
It is the end of the day
Well thank you. This is very helpful feedback.   Dwight
I cant be hypnotized
Alright
Everyone meet in the hotel bar at 7:00. Im not allowed to say its mandatory
Jason Bourne has no support staff. His own governments out to get him.
Ooh
I will be right back.
Blow in my ear.
Like Im on the beach.
And a wave crashing... a wave crashing.
Oh
Impressive.
You look like Ed Harris if they stretched him a little bit.
Oh!
Put your forehead near mine
No
No.
Dwight
Mm-hmm.
mm-hmm...
I will see you in seven-
at the door
Are you in there? I can see the light on under your door. Hello?     Oh
Test launch day
Yeah
The black one. I never stood a chance.
Now
Uh... that is excellent.
I want to create a sense of wonder and enthusiasm as if
Yes!
I wasnt really sure which one of you is Chuck.
Dwight
We gave you an Arrowhead for free for the day. How hard would it have been to do this
How you doing?
Your little man is unraveling. Now go and fix it.
What is the delay here? Wheres Ryan? Why is he not here?
What?
You are gonna bloody ruin it. Youre gonna bloody ruin it because youre a no-good half-assed cock-eyed...
Thats....
Dwight.  Youre the vice president.

aagh!
Oh
I am so happy Dwight is gonna be working alongside me. We are a regular Archibald and his man George.
Trick... theres no such thing. Its not even a real English duo.
I just made you look like the goat of Dover. And that doesnt exist either.
He doesnt even care.
Ah. In England
Oh.
Hop in
How did that look?
Where the hell is he? I cannot do this without him.
Right
Whatever you do
Allow me to solve your problem
Mmm.   Oh
Certainly not the Harry Houdini Museum. What a nobody. Oh look
Mm.
That one looks empty.
Oh
I have one simple philosophy in business: if the seat is open
Robert.
So far
Water pressure in the hotel is marvelous.
Mm-hm.
Oh
Do you really? Because it is 10:00. Ive been in this chair for an hour
So what is going on? That does seem to be the question
So no one can tell me whats going on. Well
I came in here simply trying to get to know you
Performance reviews.
On first impressions
All right. Lets get going. First up
Oh. Oh
Dwight
Dwight
Then you accept it?
Absolutely not. Seven percent.
So Phyllis
So
Oh
Mm
So
Thats not really what you want. What you want is a good nights sleep
Does Jim have to breastfeed? Did Jim carry around those babies for-- what is it? 12 months? Be honest
You must be exhausted. Fancy a nap?
Go on. Have a nap. Lie down right here. Theres a blanket in here. I used it earlier myself. Dreamt I could breathe underwater like Jacques Cousteau. No one will know. Ill wake you up. And when you wake up
I think youre amazing. You know that
Jim
Why are you so staunchly defending your friend
Jim
Im Tinkerbell.
Mm-hm. Im a magical fairy who floated into your office to bring a little bit of magic into your lives
But heres the thing about Tinkerbell
She dies! Now who here believes in Tinkerbell?
I grew up poor. I had little formal education. No real skills. I dont work especially hard
Sorry
Oh
Nine minutes. Bzz! Off it goes again. Whack! Seven more times I did that. Bzz
Ah ha!
Oh
Well
Ugh! I hate that! No offense.
oh! Ay
Uh
If youd let me finish- Or the squash court
Yes
Yeah.
Oh
Oh.
I see youve discovered Benjamin. Thats what I call my box full of photos of Henry.
God. We owned this flat together. Then one morning
I couldnt afford the flat myself. So I sold it at a loss. Ah
Thank you. No. Look
God
Jim
Why thank you.
Well
Yes?
Oh yes.
You are most welcome.
No.
Mm-hmm.
Hmm
No.
Well
Im gonna count down from five and if you are not out of my office
Five... four...
Angela! Dock Andys pay one hundred dollars.
Do you want to go again?
Lets go again. Five... four...
Three... two... one...
Angela
I know what
Three...
Two...   one.
What do you mean?
I just wanted to take the mans job
Okay
Okay
No.
Which is important in its own way. So if youd just like to take a seat
Take a mans job
This meeting is not about any one person in particular. It is a human problem.
Oh
Dwight told me about it earlier.
Chumbo
Oh... Stanley?
Creed
The most important thing to remember is not to stress about this. Stress just makes it worse
Erin
Okay
Its the apology. I really have to insist.
Stop saying no.
I know a few of his songs
Yeah
I knew this would happen! Everybody told me if I moved to America
Come in!
Yes
How are things in the warehouse?
The warehouse isnt downstairs?   Is it? Is it?
I...
Tonight could be the night that Darryl and I go from casual work friends to actual good friends. The only thing standing in our way is the contempt he seems to feel for me.
Call me a lame man
What I wouldnt give for a big mess of tacos right now!
Brilliant!
Yes
$30
Ive never eaten a taco. Im not entirely sure what they are. As long as theyre not slimy
Oh
Mmm! Uhh   Mmmm... Oh! Hmmph!
I got your voicemail. From – from last night.
And the answer... is yes
Oh. Oh
Do you think Id like that
Can I do it
Oh!
Oh
Thank you. Im... so stupid.
Oh
Youve just got me started. Robert... is... a filthy beast. I mean
I mean
I cannot even tell you what he left on my phone last night.
Pam
Oh yes. Come on
Things are looking up. I might be a mother soon. I have MasterCard right where I want them. And... I have a new friend. A friend. At work.
Oh God.
No
I dont need anyone to-
Thats not even a thing.
Andy.
Andy.
Why dont you clean the carpets for today?
Youre welcome. Up you get then. Pick yourself up. There it is.
You dont need to-
Well
Oh come on
Youre dirty
What?
Oh
May I say one thing?
The quality of mercy is not strained.
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven upon the place beneath.
It blesseth he who gives and he who takes. Tis mightiest in the mightiest.
Special projects manager
Oh
It sounds amazing
Wonderful
Brilliant.
Not necessarily
Oh
Im very self-conscious about my feet.
Once again
Oh
Fluke.
Get excited. The special projects fairy has arrived.
Today
With Operation Give Back
Theres four thousand dollars to give away. So
Dwight
Thank you
Dwight
Participation is mandatory  Dwight
Great
Oh
Dwight
You support the Taliban abroad. So I assume youre willing to live by their rules here.
Will you join me then in a pledge to live by Taliban law in this office?
When you use a ridiculous font
Looking for this?
Oh
Didnt you sign a contract to live under Taliban law? And now
I know. So
In that case
I tell you what. I need to make three calls. And then after that
Is it gonna be long?
Oh
That is absolutely revolting!
He is so good
The way he just cuts off his arm.
Well
Well
Stupid like you.
Like you.
Youre the stupid one.
Youre the stupid one.
Hmm? Oh—oh
Its just that I am taking my drivers license test in two days

Oh
This is my research into how we might produce child-proof paper that doesnt give you paper cuts. We cant. And here is a print out of your genealogy from thisisyourfamilytree.com
Well
Wife of Barack
Mmmm—the thing is Pam
Whhooooo!
Yeeeeahhhh! Its almost unbelievable!
Well
Well
Pam
Pam!  .
Oh
That is brilliant
Thats amazing
Mm. Ugh
Pam
No! Im just practicing my lyyiiinggg!   I love it.
What should we say about Jim?
My ex behaved like Nixon. All of the lying. None of the sexual charisma.   I just made a joke there.
Oh no! Oh! An affair! It is always an affair!
. How can you be sure?
Youre a cocky little thing
That is quite an ugly wall
Needs something
Yes! You! You are soo talented! Its going to be my next special project. Hiring Scrantons most dangerous young muralist to paint the warehouse wall.
Anything you have to say to her
This is his fault. It is not your fault. Im gonna find you someone better
And Filipino. But well break that to her later.
You know what this is all about.
Yeah. Go on
Ohhh
Andy
Oh
Im trying to adopt a baby.
And the...agency require a character reference from my employer.
You wouldnt have to do anything. I would write the letter myself and you just simply sign it. So.
Its not..its-
Well then if I could just convince...
You.
Its not..its not
Entrapment if Im..
..writing..
Fine.
Oh of course
Listen
Oh thank you so much!
He hates me and thinks Im a monster. Should go back to Loch Ness.
Well
I wish I could just wave a magic wand and make you a parentless five year old again. I would snap you up.
Andy?
Um
Oh
Ah well
Alright then.
Oh
Oh.
Oh
Shes tough in business
Im sexy Toby.
Something wrong Dwight?
Yes?
The mind is part of the body.
Dwight
Hm?
Its my pill. I have an anxiety issue and Im not ashamed of that
Yeah
You know
Hey Toby.
Yes.
Yeah. I...
Yes. I thought Id you know
Its funny right?  Toby starts to lean in for a kiss
Okay
The pill is mine.
Get her out.
Oh Dwight
Oh
Mm. Got it. Well
The real Mose.
Well why dont I go and tell Dwight so he can stop being such a complete nipple.
And welcome back to Biz Whiz. Im Iris Black. On the line we have Dunder Mifflins senior sales associate Dwight Shrute.
So the day-to-day operations are entirely under your command?
Uh
Im so sorry were going to have to ask you to remove the shirt all together.
Oh
Are you by any chance wearing pants with a metallic zipper?
Im getting the all clear from Steve
Well
Lets get straight to the point. Is your paper toxic?
Excuse me
Did you just call Ms. Mick a moron?
Are you insulting my guests?
The fallout from this mornings revelation continues to mount
For those just joining us
Oh
Ew. Thats not good.
I have uh
Well
And then we thought wed ... I cant. I just cant carry on with that face. Look at it. Im gonna get nightmares with that face. I mean he looks like hes laboring over a stool having just eaten human flesh.
No
No.
Oooohh... you salty dog.
Oh
What did I just say? What did I just say?
Oh
Hmm. Yeah.  All right! Yea
Come on
Were they angry?
Okay.
Yes!
Is It?
Well
Too weird.
Im sorry
Oh
Oh
Shh.
Shh.
Shh.
No...more...talking.
Yes.
No.
Breakups are the worst. The only thing that got me through mine are large amounts of shepards pie and Brandy. The singer
Oh
Aw
Listen
Or whats her name.
Lets get Darryl Val.
Quite enormous.
No. No
Darryl
No. Look
Absolutely not!
Whoo!
A-bam!   My favorite is Viennese Amaretto. And the worst flavor Ive tried so far is Alpine Select!
Whoo!
And we have torn up the carpet! Oh
Whoo!
Oh
So
Wow.
Oh.
You two are geniuses. And I am a genius putting you two together.
Well done
Oh
Loyalty is exactly right.
Yes. I mean
Darryl is dating Dunder Mifflin.
But hes flirting with Jims company on the side. And we all know what flirting can lead to.
Im having a bit of trouble understanding the importance of loyalty. So lets-- lets use an example. Take Erin. Erins boyfriend Andy
So is it all right for her to flirt with Creed
No
I suppose that will-- that will be all right
Most relationships eventually die on their own
Oh
Oh
Well
I didnt really think about it like that.
What we have?
I just remembered... I kissed that man. Oh
I am sorry that was so awkward for you two in that meeting. But I am going to have to reassemble the youth task force.
Well
Nope.
Yeah
Heres an exercise for you
Theyre freaks
Have you seen Darryl?
Mmm.  exits
I am in too
Yes
All right then
Well
Now listen. Now that we have got you here
So
The first sorry sounded sincere.
I say we all have one last fun boss-less day.
Everyone
What?
My boyfriend does look like a pretty girl
Oh
Turns out
Im not going to rat on him. No
Um.
Oh no.
No no no no.
No. Toby
For two years! Then what? Another year picking out a stamp? Another six months before you decide to lick it? Just- I dont want to hear it!
Probably best to use his real name rather than strangler.
Hes doing it.
well
I did. I did
Yeah? Well
Oh
Oh my god. Do they film us at night when were sleeping?
My first week here I sneezed directly into the candy jar because I thought Id get more   I thought Id get more screen time than anyone.
Good night Andy.
In this series
Andy Bernard
A possible explanation for his lack of career focus is his surprising musical talent.
I will.
Oh! Which public figure?
Oh
What
Marriage counseling?
Did you know that is the only kind of counseling I have never had?
Mmm.
That was exhausting.
Well
That is for sure.
We started with sixteen brave aviators. Some use skill
We are now down to an elite eight. Well
Hey. Day two. Drama in the warehouse skies. This is Robert from Weyer-Hammer Paper
Oh yes I did
I forgot. I completely forgot. But at least now that large piece of cardboard that man was carrying around makes sense.
Oh please.
OK
Kevin
Oh man.
Ok
You have to choose one now.
Angela advances.
Next up we have Dwight and Phyllis.
Dwight defeats Phyllis
Alright ladies and gentlemen
It is time for a little T & A. I give you: Toby and Angela.
Well
Each contestant will throw two aeroplanes.
Angelas first throw
And we have a winner. And its Dwight. And it is everyone because this is over.
Andy
Well
Of course. But what if you were to stay here
Oh
Oh
Oh
Oh.
No.
How did you now my plane had arrived? How long have you been stalking me?
No. And I thought I unfriended you.
See
Um
Yes. It is. Oh yes it is.
If Ryan wants his baby back
I want the job. I really do. Its just
Hello!
Hi
Hey
in high-pitched
Ohho! Im good! Dont you just love paper
So
Baby...
Yeah
Uh
Id really prefer they not be down.
OK
Alright
That was just the cotton swab.
Your old crew won the lottery?
Is this a joke?
Wait
I need a job.
How much longer is this gonna take?
Like a drivers license?
North America...and
FYI
Made it.
So
You said you were running the company.
Yes
Uh
Money Ball. Walter Jr.s choice.
Pleasure.
We really should be leaving.
Im eating
Okay. Okay.
What do you want to do?
Oh
Its too high.
Its high but its not that high.
Just take it down a little.
Here
You dont come in yet.   ...I want to hear from you
You know what
Hi. What was that display?
Andrew...
Im not going to tell you how impressed I am that youre a manager of some rinky dink branch of a paper company in Scranton
It was a nice party
I thought you were the CEO.
Its getting chilly.
Sandwiches were dry.
Hey Bronard!
I wouldnt have missed it.
Im Walter
Tuna
Dad
Bye Tuna
...not the words...
...not to say it but if you only knew... More than words is all you have to do to make it real...
What would you do if my heart was torn in two...
May the good lord be with you down every road you roam. And may sunshine and happiness surround you when youre far from home. And may you grow to be proud
If youd like to make a call
Hello. Can I use a computer? I need to check a hurricane.
That stuffs for babies.
Very low pressure in the Sargasso Sea
What are you
If you had some really big wings with blades on the end
If youre going to be a Zerg
Yeah
Everyone hates you.
What do you like? Tornadoes?
Oh yeah? Whats the vaccine you can take to avoid a hurricane?
Try a box jelly fish.
Im using it. Im about to play Starcraft with him  .
Yeah.
Got it.
Unleash the hellstorm.

Toby?
Youre fired.
You heard me. Pack your things.
Im the CEOs son. Pack your things. Youre done.
Dem bones
Singing
Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end.
Hey
Are you really this lazy?
Hey.
Yeaha...yup.   Just trying to get in.
Yeah
Thats too much Doodle and not enough Lab.
Thats what Im sayin.
Thanks for the coffee.
Are you asking me on a date?
Because I dont date coworkers. Its not personal
Dont quit.  Darryl eavesdropping
Not bad fellas
I caught it.
I might enjoy seeing you guys play the blues.
I think the music left without you.
Thank you.
Alright.
Isnt that just for popsicles?
Yeah
What should I wear?
OK.
Since when does a sweater mean dressed up? Am I your grandson?
As a contestant on Dancing with the Stars
Yeah. Thanks.
Yup
You know
You in?
How was that?
No
Cool.   Does Darryl not swim?
Oh Ive got him!
All right guys
Promise me youre going to clean up.
Promise me that-
Youre wearing the beanie. You like it?
I like to knit
Wow. Those are really nice.
Cashmere.
Cant wait.
Thanks
Yeah.
Yeah
Yeah Darryl
And delivered.
Hey.
Brandon
Honey
Thats messed up.
Brandon
It has been delivered.
Hey. I just wanted to apologize. I mean
Okay
Uh
Calm down
Brandon!
Right here?
How you doing?
Its how it has to be.
Me neither. Come here.  she hugs Darryl
Hey
Can I help you?
Yeah
Ok
Thank you all for your concern
No.
Yeah
Okay.
Lets give it a shot. Lets make it work.
Youre not. I believe in us.
OK
Great. It was really fun.
The Doc crews throwing a big after party in the warehouse tonight.
Come on.
First. Second.
Thirrrr....third.
Hi
Hi.
I think everything is under control.
You should sit down.
No I should go fill out my paperwork.
Are you okay?
Yeah
Oh
It was from a deleted scene so we were both right.
Um
Sorry
My cousins were actually at those Olympics.
Its almost too warm.
Hey
Okay
Cool
How was the drive?
Um
Well that was just one idea. It doesnt have to be winter.
Ugh
Thank you-
Can I see?
So
Well
Hey
Okay
Cool...   Is this March Madness? I love March Madness.
LeBron James.

I havent seen anything.
Jeez...
Is this really nessecary?
Ugh
Is crazy gone?
Yeah
Wait
Oh my God
I know that youre married
Can you... without running to the other side of the room all night?
Okay.   I am so cold.
What? Oh
Aah! Stop

Oh stop it
I cant breathe!
Stop it!
Seriously disgusting.
Ugh. Kill me. That was my idea.
So youre a blogger right?
God
I dont know. Hes not picking up.
Good energy
You guys sound great
Yeah.
Have you heard about the midnight rambler?  Lisa
Go Eagles!
With the crotch?
Uh
You have to share the machine with others.
Thank you.
I have a new heart
Oh baby I love your way.
Wanna be with you night and day.
Oh baby I love your way.
And day.
Oh
Sure.
Uh
Are you Lincoln?
Chelsea
Schrute Farms did you say? That is a fascinating little chapter of the Civil War.
There you go.
Dearest mother Im sorry it has been so long since my last letter. It is three months since I arrived at Schrute Farms and I fear I may never leave this place alive. Melvin Fifer Garris.
I just hope that if my buddies who are still in Afghanistan see me win
You have to understand. Poets
Hello. Oh call me Susan please.
Hello nice to meet you.
Well it was really nice to meet you Brian.
Oh
Hi.
I love shopping and sales is just the other side of that.
Well make that a red wine and Ill tell you my animal rankings  .
I was thinking accounting might be a good fit because I really clicked with Oscar and I do have some experience in bookkeeping.
Uh I could work in customer service. HR even.
Robert this is very uncomfortable. Obviously theres no place for me here. So thank you for trying. Why dont we just let it go.
So what happens next?
You didnt say goodbye to your grandma.
Who walks around with their passport?
Have you had any?
Um
Oh
Excuse me
Aw
I get it. Last time I had a job
Your employees dont seem to be taking to me.
Do you not want me here?
Its okay. I understand. Im not sure how I would feel about having the boss wife work for me either.
But it is something.
Why would you not want me working here?
I think I understand what youre going through. My husband can be a very difficult man to read
Mm-hmm. So he is mixed up in this
Got it.
Andy and I had a great conversation. And I just want to let you know that I am not going to be working here.
Is it? Because we talked about it and it seems like that might be what you want. Which is fine.
No
You sure about that?
No games?
Because Andy seemed to think there was some information he was not able to share with me.
Andy?
Why do you keep looking at my husband?
Thats not true
Robert...
For Gods sake
Jim...
Answer the question
Robert holds the door
Andy.
Hey. Uh
Yeah
Well
Who knows?
Maybe after all this settles down...
Its a date.
it was a mistake. But one that can be fixed by all of us being mean to her.
All right
Okay
Okay
All right
Excuse me
Im sure youre just checking your Grindr account...   but you cant check smart phones during trivia
Okay
Sir?
Okay
All right
D.M. Backup Team has three points. The Einsteins have eight points.   Ladies Gaga have five points.
All right guys
In second place
And
Ring it in when you know it. First question: This man had a fatwa declared on him when-   Einsteins?
Aesops?
Salman Rushdie is correct.   Heading out to sea
Flying jib is correct for the Einsteins.
According to a recent survey
No.
Thats correct for the Einsteins.
Sir-
Dial it back
Final round. Last two teams squaring off. I hope youre ready to play doctor. Our question is about health and the human body.
The standard American analog scale has a maximum capacity of what weight?
Point for the Einsteins.   Heres your final question. Cinephiles
Im sorry
The Einsteins win it!
Whoo! Lets go!
Whoo!
Boom! ADHD!
Yes!
Grab my knee!
Welcome to the Stonewall Alliance Trivia Championships! First prize is forty-five hundred dollars!
Riboflavin.
Michigan.   The President of the United States is P.O.T.U.S.   John Steinbeck wrote The Grapes of Wrath.
Well
Yes
No
Well
Dwight.
Oh
Still. Still.
All done?
Mmm.
Hello
Hi
Thanks.
Sure.
Oh
I guess were okay with the fingernails.
Oopsie
Im just gonna take him out and change him just for a second.
Youre stinky.
Okay
Okay. There we go.
Hey.
You didnt call.
You know what this is about.   Call.
Nice to see you Oscar.
So Oscar
Ouch! Right on target.
God
All having this wonderful Halloween gathering. Excuse me
Where you want I park?
Hola Toby!
Como esta?
No.
What does he like?
Sir? Sir
You need an operation. You have appendicitis.
Two or three days.
Hi Andrew. What happened to Erin?
Oh
Aloha
Well get to that.
Its cookies. Let me- let me finish my speech first.
Is it oatmeal with no raisins?
Unbelievable!
How you doing
Oh no
Darryl
Must be doing real good since youre f***ing my girlfriend.
Dont play dumb with me. I know whats up.
Hope you all like goat.
I read the text you sent to Val
No
At midnight?
You forgot one.
With the dots.
See? Yes. Thank you
Thats some pretty blatant complementing youre doing there
You would?
Sounds like youre trying to hit on my girlfriend.
So you really think shes gonna leave a guy who owns his own restaurant for a dude who ate his own restaurant?
Thank you
Oh
Yeah. Blogger.
Okay.
Look at that guy. Hes got his Sabre phone on
Whens the presentation?
This is a perfect photo for my Daily Fail blog.
Patty Grossman. Im a woman.
Yes.
Its okay. Ill go to the Costco and search for handsome men.
Oh
Someone rejected you? With that body and those bazongas? Forget him!
Well...
Yeah.
Hey!
Oh
When can I introduce you to my grandson? Hes a wonderful swimmer. Shallow end
Thank you.   Oh
Just open the program and type in his user name.
Here
Thats a terrible password. And you dont make a video chat
Hello!
Erin
Did you wash your hands?
Wheres the ring?
Wheres the ring
I dont know. Maybe its cause hes not that handsome.
So
I think you should leave
You should take it. Its probably your girlfriend wondering where you are.
You really wouldnt feel those kinds of results after one session.
You could put it on silent.
Just go to preferences
Hes here in Tallahassee
Erin
I was protecting you because I thought he was no good. But I can tell you really like him. And hes willing to lose his job for you
Were not your concern
He got his foreskin caught in some lawn furniture.
Good morning Erin.
Wheres the postage? I mean
Why wont she go with him?
Erin
Proctology.
Im not drawing a butt.
Whats going on? How was the delivery?

Yes.
Andy! Hey
Well
Aww!
Oh. God.
Nice to meet you.   Well
Oh
Suck it!  cheers
And we come to Matthew. The guy who was with his old girlfriend basically the whole time we were together.
Youre done!
Get out! You ruined my party! Who does that? Are you kidding me?   Yeah
I cant believe youre not gay!
No
So weve established-
-that you guys hate Pam. Do you ever wish she would just... disappear?
Are you Nellie? Oh
Oh! Big guy
Looks like we got a guy from another country here
Little known fact about me. Before I was a magician
But I never could seem to figure out those knots.
What the hell? All right
What?
Huh!
...and then just lay him in his crib
I do adore you.
Thanks for helping out
Theyre called premature
Oh
Oh
Are you sure you dont wanna go in?
Hey
Oh
How old?
Turn around. Turn around. Turn around!
She dont wanna turn around.
You know
really? Well
Mr. Bernard
Well
Oscar!
It was lovely! And dont forget to call.
thanks so much for coming
Thanks
Yes. Were good friends. Good friends.
You know
Its only a photo
Angela.
Thanks so much for coming. Thanks so much.   Well. Have we all calmed down yet?
Lets all try to do better next time. Kevin
I beg your pardon.
Youve reached Senator Robert Lipton
Huey is going to need this medication once every 90 minutes. You can administer it orally
Uh
thats right!
Yeah
Yeah
Maybe you would think it too!   Im sorry
Who the hell are Jim Halpert and Dwight Schrute?
Harry Jannerone
What the hells all this?
You live well down here in P.A. I want to talk to you guys right now. Oh
Where do you get off crossing state lines?
Theyre New York. Were New York. Sate line is the dividing line. Thats the way its always been.
Stay out of my state. Its in your best interest to stay out of my state.
Just stay out of New York
Roberts here. Look at us. Bickering like schoolgirls
Robert California. What a surprise youre here in Scranton.
So why would you close Binghamton down without a transition plan in place?
No
Listen
Used to be Binghamtons –
I want it
We need you to make a decision.
Is it just me or is our boss a freakin weirdo?  stands up
What are you doing?
Mr. Ramish
Give me a cup of coffee.
You know
So what would you do if you werent selling paper?
Nothing?
Id like to sell one big thing
Anyway
Is there someone here to see me?
Come on in.
Why havent I heard of you? You got any references?
Uh-huh.
Every salesman Ive ever met has given me his personal phone number.
You want me to drive to your house if I need paper.
Whats going on?
Oh
Let me stop you all right here. Ive already picked a new paper supplier.
No
Mm-hmm.
They did not.
I wouldnt.
Come on
Yeah
Well were more following you guys
Iceman.
Morning
Who am I? Im Jim. Weve been working together for twelve years. Ha
You seriously never noticed? Hey
Uh
Dwight
Oh great
Please enter your password.
You have one new message.
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Hey



Hey.







Thank you.


Did you say youve got AIDS?
I thought Broccoli Rob was the Boner Champ.
I just thought Broccoli Rob was the Boner Champ.
Im so sorry! I dont know how that could have happened.
I just-- I just started yappin about the old days
Will do. I love you

Hes still mad.
Champ
Look
I tell you what
My pipes are primo
He said
Thats real. Thatll never change!
So the workspace looks awesome.
I killed it.
And the graphic designer is going to be sending in some of the logo treatments. I cant wait to see them.
Ive also been running the numbers and between our backers and our own investments
Wow
You guys rock.
Oh Jim
Welcome aboard!
Yeah
No.
We dont know it.
Look
Now folks
Its Mr. Andy Bernard!
He reminded us today of how much he means to us. And we certainly seem to mean a lot to him
She said you wanted to hear ‘Faith. Thats Broccoli Robs signature song.
I really didnt know that man. I just thought you wanted to hear it.
I thought you were Adam Lambert.
Or we can hope for a holiday rally?
Move.
Trying to rig a boat here. I dont know how to do that when youre standing in the way.
Im not a ghost
Dont do that. Dont do that.
Nope. Cant do that.
Weve already started boarding. And no one is insured to rig her up right now except us.
I can smack you all day if you keep touching what youre not supposed to touch.
OK.
Good stuff.
What?
I hate to uh
OK
Oh god
Yeah
Hey bro! It was here all along.
Way!
I just had a little intuition that someone I loved needed a little bit of attention today. Oscar
What was that? Im sorry
Well

Okay lets get started.
Uh
Are you at your office right now?
Uh
Whoa.   I think theres been a bit of a mistake. Were trying to reach Jim Halpert
Uh
Okay
It was in what? Jim
Jim? Jim
Jordan wore them for nobody? Were not following you
Oh
Im so sorry Jan.
Thanks. Okay.
Hey
I know. Dont worry about it.
Its just... its not totally working.
Yeah
Is it safe to talk?
I started following people around to get exercise. Turns out
You tell me.
Its the receipt for my gun.
Read the receipt. Thats a $300 gun. Someone could steal it.
Now I keep it in a safe.
Oh
And thats all off the books?
Nice. No taxes.
So whats the job?
Okay
This seems a little crazy.
But I think Im up for it.
Thats very effective. Ive been on the receiving end of that quite a few times. Its devastating.
What about a knee-capping?
All right
Sandwich delivery for Mr. Oscar Martinez.
Lets get it on. Im gonna do this. I might-- I might puke
Im sorry
You dont--
Okay
If you chase me
Ooh
Pass. Next one.
No
Checkmate. You win this one
Nothing gets by this guy.
Hey man
Can you imagine how insulting that would be? The contempt that a person like that would have to have for you.
Well
And what are we supposed to do until then?
I hope you dont mind me bringing you out here. I cant get my knees under a desk.
Stone & Son Suit Warehouse contract expired with their paper provider! Go get it! –David Wallace
Its kind of funny
You dont meet many hunters these days.
Ahh...
I cant relate to that
Bring him into the business
I heard that before...
Listen to him. He created you.
Really shameful...
Here he is
Sons used to idolize their fathers.
Id love to! Sam Junior here
Yes maam
...So definitely looking to expand our market
Alright
Darryl
So how about we start over
By the way
Its too bad he still hast to work part time in Scranton though...
We cant wait until you move here.
Well
This is the team.
...And I want to reach every demographic possible.
Were talking weeks here
Alright. Good.
Okay
Hey fellas
...Did you say cat turd collector?
Im sorry
Okay Pop...
Thats right.
Hey.
Okay.
Does that suit come with a fire extinguisher?
Hes got you there...
Thats Italian silk. Very comfortable. Very tasteful... Although expensive.
Science teacher
It was nice meeting you Darryl
I work at a home shopping network.
Im a laywer. Im the only one here who can honestly help.
Hey Jim. Peter Rowley at Bridgeport Capital requested a meeting at lunch.
Peter
Jim. We need you.
Uh sure. No problem.
I wouldnt say a rage.
Thank you. Thank you.
Im sorry. Do I still need to be here?
Ladies and gentlemen
One
One
Really?
Youre very rude.
Yes
Listen
Hey boss
Thats what they told me.
And your milkshake.
Fire in the hole!   Go! Go! Go! Go!
Hey
Nothing. Youre doing the best you can.
Give her a minute. Give her a minute.
Hey
Yeah. Lets turn the cameras off. Seriously
Yeah
Its fine. It was my first slip up in nine years of miking you.
Sure
Will do.
Sure.
Oh
Uh
Hey
Easy!
Youre gonna hit a woman?
No. No
Its all good. I knew what I was doing. Its... Im sorry about your mural
No. You
Look. I dont
Seeya.
Hey.
Oh
Its
Its fine. What are you gonna do
Thats... OK
Uh
Actually
We were telling two different versions of the same story. And then
Yeah. Thats the thing. When we were fighting
At least my crying wont get you fired.
Oh
Hi.
No
Yeah
Let me grab a couple drinks.
Alright
Cheers.
So...
What brings you by?
Oh yeah
Yeah
Oh yeah
Yeah
Um...
No no
No
Yeah.
They want to know how much what?
Pretty much everything.
Theyve got parabolic mikes
Thats not really true
Oh no
Look
Brian.
No. Youre interviewing for it. Im getting it.
Im Rolf. Rolf Ahl.
Go to hell.
Nice.
I hope you like Norwegian black metal
Well
What are your credentials?
I think Ive heard everything I need to hear.
Thank you
No. We get it. Thanks so much for the opportunity
Yeah
Yeah. No limit on weapons class
My—my mom.
I knew you looked familiar. You used to pick up Dwight from school.
Oh
Dwights my cousin
Everyone was in the shower. Its a cow shower
Its dense. Like bread.
I could start Monday.
Hey
You get in the sidecar.
You were the aunt to my cousins. Most of your life you were 54
Dwights sister.
Yeah.
Blugh.
Yep.
Absolutely.
Growing up with Dwight and Mose was not easy. Uh
Party time! Whorehouse!
Well
I was his babysitter
You went to X-Men school too?
Do you need to be changed?
Mm. Are you going to make a decision soon? Ive been double-parked for five hours. Im wondering if I should move my car.
Well
Man
Do you want this paper?
Its not very good.
I think I wanna keep it now. It must be pretty special if you want it so bad.
Stop trying to get my paper buddy. Okay read my lips. Its over.
I am.
Yeah
Yeah
I got it. Paintball.
Lets just go
Im sorry?

Youre gonna to compare um to the butts up there.
Im sorry I didnt like your crappy doodles. I drew a butt. Big deal. Butts are funny.
Well
You know what? You people cant fire me. So
Lady! My truck? You had no right!
Its a $40
So? So someone need to shut you up!
You son of a bitch!
Ladies and gentlemen
You two seem very close.
Hold on a second. Uh
Excuse me
LaShawn. Great. You wanna be in a photo? Right this way.   Not you. No.
Lets just wheel Margaret right in front...
Smile.
Sean.
Oh
You take off your glasses.
Your boyfriend. He look like a pretty girl.
No. No discount for two men. Two men are not a couple.
Two men?  other nail stylist speaks Korean to manager
Oh
Whos this little kitchen witch? Shes so tiny like a little kitchen witch.
New clothes? What for?
How would you like a mean cold slap?
I could do that.
Step on it!

Time to get clean!
Lets get this show on the road.
Stop your belly-aching and hose me.
Ow! The braid is too tight.
Yes maam.
Ok.
Thank you Angela.
I feel like a show pony.
So
Thats what Mose said about his lady scarecrow and look what he did to that poor thing.
Hey
No. I heard you.
Hi.
Im here from BCI Marketing Consultants to meet with Andrew Bernard.
Ok
Nice to meet you. Cute sweater.
Pete?
Its uh
History. Wow
He worked as a librarian freshman year.
Is there like somebody whos in charge of marketing? Maybe I should sit near him or her.
Hi.
Hi.   Good. Id love to discuss strategy with you if you have a marketing p-
So theres no marketing department.
Ok
Yeah youre also supposed to go to classes
So youre dating a secretary now? Moving up in the world
Hows that P.E. degree coming? Thats what he wanted to be. His dream in college was to be a gym teacher.
He is not a very sophisticated man
I wasted two years of my life on you
Because I had to wait-
My grandfather know. Mah Jong will be here to stay. Hobbies of the East continues in a moment.
I didnt really see a better parking spot.   Whoa! Look what I did. Its a rental.   You wanna go in?
Huh. Its crap soil. Nothings going to grow here.
Yeah
Its fine cause theyre not going to grow.
Good. I agree. Dont worry about it. You wont get any.
Hi
After I left the army
Buddy? Buddy?
Snap out of it. Dwight?
Totally. Yep. The people here are like  makes farting sound
Couple of nights couldnt hurt.
Oof. This is no nine-acre worm farm. This is a beast. Whoevers managing this thing is gonna have a hell of a job. Not it.
We are here today to join this woman and the ground. Man is born of woman and his life is full of turmoil.
Would the family care to say something?
approaches Fannie
I see you started without me.
Well
Were at a funeral. Theres a funeral going on here.
Oh
Is she crazy?   Dwight?
No
No
Look. I
That Cammy and I are drawn to. And
Yes. I
Uh
That doesnt work on me.
By the way
Very funny. OK. Oui
Oh my goodness.
So
Not it.
All right.
Dwight.
Anyone mention her height?
Land size?     Shirley
Hi Dwight.
This was on the way. Were going into town after. I need yarn.
Thank you.
Dwight
Look
So youre going to be paying more
You need to tell him you want a deal based on miles or he can just stick that tractor where the sun dont shine.
Mmhm.
Of course.   You didnt just think I was tractor bait
Stupid.
Hey.
Yeah
Is there a reason that were excited for that little woman?
Oh. Is she a gambler?
Hmm. That is sad.
We want you to win. Dwight told me about your situation. Its such a pity. Use the money wisely.
Oh! Im am so proud of you
Go get ‘em
All day long
Dwight
Bye.
Thank you for coming to my funeral. As I gaze at lifes big sunset
Jeb. A street pusher.
We cant just sit by and watch our family farm disappear. So
after following Dwight to the chicken coop
I was just asking you something I didnt know.
Are we gonna eat these today?
Is that a guillotine?
Thats a cow?
What are you doing now?
I dont know.
I dont know any of that.
I never met him.
Music begins
Nice to meet you. Eat Fresh.
Hey there
I look at these actors on TV and I think: Cmon
Watch this: Eat Fresh. Now what does that make you think of?
How? I didnt say Subway sandwiches. Its called playing the subtext.
I actually wrote a screenplay
Half biopic and half superhero movie. A mild mannered professional baseball player
-hits a home run into outer space. Ball comes back with space dust on it
I actually brought a- some copies of my script if you guys wanna read it together.
Thatll pay for the exploding helicopter.
Suddenly
Come on man
Yeah
They kiss. It is super emotional. Like in Toy Story.
Keep reading then.
Um another thing. Im gonna need you to get me the rights to Darth Vader.
We need Darth.
Fine office you have here. Sturdy walls.
Lets talk terms. If you agree to a forty sixty split on this tractor
Esther
Standard.
Hey


That manipulates the secondary shaft.
You would be a great one to buy an auger with.
The lift capacitys up at two thousand pounds. Thats a lot of beets.
We should buy an auger together.
Hi honey!
Kevin
Shhh!
Senator
Question for the Senators beard.
Stanley
Thats Benji in the middle.
Very special little boy.
Funny sense of humor. If you push on his nose
Like that.

Mama.
Mama.
Beet.
Are you in that paper documentary too?
Do you need an agent?
Hey
Andy! If you dont stick your eyes in that machine
Kid can act!
We are rolling and...action!
Ok
I dont know
Ok.
Who was that?
Ok here you have just knocked over the beaker
Yeah.
Thats great. So what youre gonna do then is come over here to the eye washing station and then just kinda flush out your eyes. You know
What water special effect?
Dude
The actors crying.
Here we go. Rolling and... action!
And cut. We can fix the sound in post.
Ok
Yeah
Whats the hold up here?
Oh god.
Yeah.
Thats fine
So Andy
I will now perform the ceremonial changing of the belts.
Its not a large room
Thats really ok. Im mostly focused on the belt here.
Hold it—Take a step back. Take a step back.  they bow
Congratulations.
Okay.
Yes
Yeah
Im watching.
Uh
Yes. Irritating
Mama!
Ok
Sorry
But thanks for coming out and be sure to watch Americas Next A Cappella Sensa—
Okay.
No
Please dont.
Im not touching you. Okay?
Whoo-hoo! Casey Dean! Cincinnati
America wants it!
Casey Dean!
Man
Whats your name?
Whatre you listening to?
Oh
Ah! Its Mark McGrath! Oh my god! Youre gorgeous!
What? On a roll much?
That was amazing
Yeah
Big time.
Over at the porta-potties
Yeah.
I dont know. But Im getting really worried here.
Where are you going?
Youre back!
No
You did a really great job. You even look shorter.
Oh.
Oh.
Run
Whats up
Thank you
Oops. Im not supposed to—Im not supposed to say that. All right
Good man right there. Ill see you guys inside. Good luck
Sea horse.
Say that? Uncanny.
Okay. You got it
Oh come on! Hey!
What is this?
Gabriella was our last audition. Thank you. Goodbye.
What is this song?
Look
No
Flag on the play.
Look
Can he do this?
No
Listen
Were getting bonus footage for the DVD.
Itll be a pledge gift.
Oh
I think I gained a couple of pounds since I got here.
Thats Baby Wawa
You cant just sit here and cry.



Bye!
Oh
Oh
Its gonna be all right. For Weekend Update Im Seth Meyers. Thats Baby Wawa. Good night.
Hi. I keep seeing this symbol in the accounts from last year. Its..its all over the place. I dont know what it means.
Hi
Nice.
Hi
Hey
I bet you boys have a big appetite.
Mm
Ohh
Heard you guys needed some pipes fixed or cleaned or whatever.
Mom?
Oh
Okay.
How did it feel to see your lives played out on tv?
Uh
All I can say is
Uh
Pam
I hear ya. What did it say?
Were gonna move on. Next question please.
Well
Do you find that your life feels pointless now that nobodys actually filming you anymore?
I wanna know how everyone felt they were portrayed. Was it accurate?
I have a question for Jim and Pam. Everyone watching sees how much you love each other and how youre soul mates. So
Like Harry Potter.
I have a question for Erin.
Yes. Um
So my question is
Erin...
Um...Oh
As it is traditional to the Schrutes
I now pronounce you man and wife.   Release the doves!
Oh
